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Couldn’t they have used a car phone?

December 21, 2013

Uh, oh. North Korea is getting technologically advanced. They have threatened South Korea to “strike mercilessly without notice.” The threat was sent by fax.

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Another longer threat was sent by mail. But in South Korea they can’t view it to respond until they find someone who has a Betamax player.

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To all those in the GOP screaming about free speech with Mr. Duck Dynasty, I somehow missed your defense of Alec Baldwin

(And heck, Baldwin even goes after photographers, which might count as “lame-stream media.)

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Mississippi State was fined $25,000 by the SEC for violating the league’s “artificial noisemaker” policy. The fine stems from a fan tradition of showing up at games with cowbells, which can only be used at “approved times.” So alas I guess it’s true, you CAN have too much cowbell.

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Since he’s doing so well as Governor of California, a group is trying to get Jerry Brown to run for President again. Does it occur to them that the reason Jerry is doing such a good job is that he no longer cares about running for President?

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Domino’s has apparently come up with a vegan pizza with soy cheese in Israel. And they may someday introduce it here in the U.S. For all those health food types who have been longing to order from Domino’s – both of them.

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Carlos Beltran says now he has always wanted to be a Yankee, and “it means a lot to me.” Yeah, $45 million to be exact.

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Five days after Mack Brown resigned, many Texas football players said they never saw it coming. Which is shocking in and of itself. Not surprised when athletes don’t pay attention to their studies, but when they don’t pay attention to ESPN….

 

TARGET is offering a 10% discount Saturday and Sunday to apologize to shoppers for exposing 40 million credit cards to hackers. Here’s an idea, how about a 5% discount, and spend the other 5% on upgrading their credit card security?

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A federal judge struck down Utah’s same-sex marriage ban Friday. Thereby incensing many in the state who believe that marriage should remain a sacred bond between a man, and a woman, and a woman, and maybe yet another woman.

 

Tonight’s pre-Olympic exhibition game featured a brawl between the U.S and Canada women’s hockey teams. A brawl resulting in 10 fighting majors and other penalties. Hmm, if this keeps up could result in serious women’s hockey ratings.

 

 

Economic Darwin award for the day:  A woman who is head of PR for IAC, (parent company of Vimeo, Tinder and OkCupid) tweeted before she got on a flight tonight “Headed to Africa. Hope I don’t get AIDS. Just kidding, I’m white.” Her company’s response? “This is an outrageous, offensive comment that does not reflect the views and values of IAC. Unfortunately, the employee in question is unreachable on an international flight, but this is a very serious matter and we are taking appropriate action.” Anyone looking for a job opening in PR?

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What’s a few zeros…

December 17, 2013

The Mega Millions jackpot, already at $586 million, may reach a billion before Tuesday’s drawing because of lottery fever. Right, because there are so many things you can’t buy for half a billion….

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Marissa Mayer is one of several tech executives scheduled to meet with President Obama Tuesday. Because maybe her changes with Yahoo mail have made the Obamacare website look good by comparison?

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Of course, there’s a good chance Obama wanted to meet with Mayer last month, but his invite got caught in Yahoo mail spam.

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Starting today, San Francisco has free wi-fi on Market Street. Yet another excuse for pedestrians to walk right into traffic,,,,

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A water leak filled a skyway bridge and closed one of the Terminals at San Jose Airport this morning. No word on a re-opening time, but wonder who will be the first airline to institute a pump fee.

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At Harvard, fake bomb threats resulted in the evacuation of some buildings and the cancellation of some final exams. And in the SEC, football players preparing for bowl games asked “What are final exams?”

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Dez Bryant said the reason he left the field early in the Cowboys’ loss to the Packers is that he didn’t want to be seen crying on the sideline. And Dallas fans are thinking “How do you think WE felt?”

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Why should New Jersey have a monopoly on Gubernatorial political comedy? Donald Trump now says he might run for Governor of New York next year.

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Peyton Manning was named SI’s “Sportsman of the Year.”   Now, the Broncos just lost their last game and who knows about the playoffs. But maybe this year’s award should be subtitled “Biggest name star least likely to embarrass himself or get arrested.”

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Ravens-Lions on MNF. Good economic stimulus. Because most of the country said “Meh, let’s go shopping.”

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ESPN says that Nick Saban brought Lane Kiffin to Tuscaloosa to help evaluate the Crimson Tide offense. This could be good news. For Oklahoma.

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–Chip Kelly, rumored to be a candidate for the U Texas head-coaching job, said “It’s just speculation, but I’m not involved in any jobs. I’m the coach of the Philadelphia Eagles.” So given past history when Kelly announced he was staying at Oregon it will be about 10 days before he heads to Austin?

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The New Orleans Saints are apparently mulling a change after Garrett Hartley missed another two field goals yesterday. Hey, Morten Andresen is only 53 now!

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A 58 year old SF woman, accused of speeding at over 80 MPH on city streets in her Mercedes-Benz this September, will be charged with felony vehicular manslaughter for crashing into a minivan, and killing a 16-year-old boy. So will there be an adult “affluenza” defense? 
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If it is better to give than receive, then the #DallasCowboys in the second half yesterday were the best team in the #NFL

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Great ending for the Ravens with a 61 yard field goal to win at the end of the 4th quarter. Does this mean Nick Saban is more likely to bolt Alabama for the NFL?

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No laughing matter?

September 11, 2013

As we remember September 11, some think it’s inappropriate to joke on such a solemn anniversary. But I think if we can’t laugh, the terrorists win.

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My friend Keith Ogden, who I agree with on politics about 10% of the time, made a comment that reminded me of one of the greatest things about this country: As much as you may not like how the USA is run, or who is running it, or who wants to run it, you can joke about things all you want, and you don’t get arrested or worse.

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McDonald’s has a new “Blitz Box” meal, which contains 2 Quarter Pounders with cheese, 10 Chicken McNuggets and two medium fries. They market it for “two or more.” Well, for many Americans that’s plausible deniability anyway.

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Forbes.com reports that tickets for the Alabama-Texas A&M game are going for an average of $763 online. Wonder how many of those ticket buyers will spend much of the game criticizing Johnny Manziel for making money from autographs

 

What could POSSIBLY go wrong here? Disney is re-releasing “The Little Mermaid” on September 13. And encouraging kids to be “part of her world” by bringing their iPads etc. to interact with their “Disney Second Screen Live” app….during the movie.

 

Some sports reporters are starting not to use the “Redskins” nickname and will simply say “Washington football team.” Fortunately, if week 1 was any indication, there will be no need for this awkward phrasing to continue into the postseason.

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USC coach Lane Kiffin said there was no team meeting after the Trojans’ embarrassing loss to WSU. But WR Marqise Lee confirmed it was a players-only meeting. “Kiffin don’t know,.. Kiffin don’t know nothing about it.” Sounds like Lane knows as much about his team as he does about coaching football.

 

Some cheerleaders at a Texas public high school who want to display bible verses on banners at football games, have hired a lawyer to fight what a local politician called an effort at “imposing San Francisco liberalism in every community in Texas.” Uh, really? Don’t think most liberals are that worried about banners in football, we’re a little more concerned about imposing things like science in textbooks.

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Tweet from Colts owner Jim Irsay on protecting Andrew Luck: “we gotta protect #12 better..and that includes more than just OL…it’s backs,TE’s,coaches on blitz pick ups..I DEMAND better” Right, because last week they just weren’t trying.

 

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Following the defeats of Elliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner, comes the news that Mark Sanchez may be out for the year. “Oh, the horror”, said NY comedy writers…

 

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Ndamukong Suh is appealing his $100,000 fine as excessive. Guess he figures it’s too big a chunk of his annual fine fund?

 

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Bobby Valentine, talking on the radio today, said his Mets team was “tired” and “wasted” after 9/11, because they had been going to the funerals and firehouse. And stated “”Let it be said that during the time from 9/11 to 9/21, the Yankees were [AWOL], You couldn’t find a Yankee on the streets of New York City. You couldn’t find a Yankee down at Ground Zero, talking to the guys who were working 24/7. Many of them didn’t live here, and so it wasn’t their fault….” Wow, it’s sensitivity and judgment like that that is the reason Valentine is employed in a major league clubhouse today….not.

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Bo knows better?

August 13, 2013

The latest Obama “scandal” is the idea that the President chartered a fancy plane to bring Bo to Martha’s Vineyard. Apparently Bo did travel on the MV-22 Osprey, but it also carried White House staff, media, and the Secret Service. Of course if Romney had been elected the dog would have flown on the roof where he belonged.

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Joe Biden is giving hints of a possible run for the Presidency in 2016? So what will his real contribution be to the race? Making Hillary look young?

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The Texas State Board of Education is trying to get “intelligent design” into biology textbooks. Interesting thing…most of the folks arguing “intelligent design” are their own best arguments against it.

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So maybe catcher A.J. Pierzynski’s ejection in the 6th inning was the reason Yu Darvish lost his perfect game in the 8th. Maybe not. But that’s okay. Because the real reason fans come to games is to see world-class umpiring from guys like home-plate umpire Ron Kulpa.

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Want tickets to the Univ. of Florida vs. Georgia game this year in Jacksonville? A few are available, all you need is a contribution to the Florida Gator Boosters. The amounts needed? For 6 tickets, $14,500, for 2, $8,300. Hard to imagine how some of these players get that idea that the point of playing college football is money.

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Apparently the first pictures of little Prince George after his brief appearance on the hospital steps are likely to be family photos sent out on Twitter by William and Kate. And somewhere the Kardashians are thinking ‘What, no multi-million $ contract?””

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Personally I don’t get the handbag thing, (wouldn’t pay $380, let alone $38K), but the Swiss saleswoman is now trying to attack Oprah’s credibility by saying “I simply told her that it was like the one I held in my hand, only much more expensive, and that I could show her similar bags.” Maybe she should quit while she’s behind.

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Mike Trout said anyone caught using PEDs should be banned from baseball for life. Which means either that he’s not using, or he doesn’t think he’ll get caught.

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Allegedly Johnny Manziel signed autographs and memorabilia for dealers at at least two previously unreported off-season sessions. At this point wonder if Manziel will be signing autographs this fall as a quarterback for the Canadian Football League.

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From T.C.  PGA Champion Jason Dufner’s final round scorecard will be sent to The World Golf Hall of Fame, but not until Johnny Manziel co-signs it.

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A California man on a hunting trip was shot and killed in Marin County last weekend while riding in a car with other hunters. The Sheriff’s department is indicating a gun accidentally “went off.” Gosh, if only he had been armed.

(Augie wonders, “was Cheney in the car?”)

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An SF Giants fan apologized to Adam Jones, saying he did not intend a racial insult, but was so frustrated with the Giants’ play against the Orioles that he just grabbed a banana off a catering cart at AT&T Park and threw it toward the field. The way the SF bullpen looked in that 10-2 loss, suppose it’s lucky that the fan didn’t pick up and throw the whole cart.

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Games people pay to play.

July 20, 2013

The NY Post is reporting that some Manhattan parents are hiring $400-an-hour recreation “experts” to organize play dates for their children, since top private kindergartens watch how kids interact as part of the admissions process. Well, what’s $400 an hour when you’re saving for a lifetime of therapy.

 

There are reports that RGIII has been sexting a waitress, even on his wedding day. Who does the Redskins QB think he is? Tiger Woods?

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A little bizarre baseball trivia: Tim Lincecum’s no-hitter against the San Diego Padres – 148 pitches. Six SF Giants pitchers combining on a shutout against the Arizona D’backs Friday night – 123 pitches.

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New York Mets lose 13 to 8 after falling behind 11 to 0 to Phillies. Guess they didn’t want Citi Field fans to get too used to seeing All-Stars.

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While our country will never agree on the trial verdict, can we at least stop this characterization of Trayvon Martin as a thug because he used marijuana? My alma mater, Lake Brantley High School, is about 15 miles from Sanford, Florida. When I went there in the late 70s it was 99% white. And we had an outdoor smoking section. (really). It was a school joke, walk by the section, get high on the fumes. And they weren’t nicotine fumes….

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One group that is being very quiet about Trayvon Martin &  George Zimmerman – the NRA. ‪ Maybe they don’t want to start seeing quite ALL Americans armed?

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And putting this in perspective from Marc Ragovin:    “The media is reporting that George Zimmerman is the most hated man in America.  Except in Chicago.  Well played, Steve Bartman.”

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The media is reporting that George Zimmerman is the most hated man in America. Except in Chicago. Well played, Steve Bartman.

– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/227354/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-July-19-2013-Edition-428#sthash.vB7Q9cly.dpuf

The media is reporting that George Zimmerman is the most hated man in America. Except in Chicago. Well played, Steve Bartman.

– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/227354/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-July-19-2013-Edition-428#sthash.7Yo9PJoV.dpuf

The media is reporting that George Zimmerman is the most hated man in America. Except in Chicago. Well played, Steve Bartman.

– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/227354/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-July-19-2013-Edition-428#sthash.7Yo9PJoV.dpuf

The media is reporting that George Zimmerman is the most hated man in America. Except in Chicago. Well played, Steve Bartman.

– See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/227354/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-July-19-2013-Edition-428#sthash.7Yo9PJoV.dpuf

Andrew Bynum, now a member of the Cavaliers, says that Cleveland is “definitely a playoff team.” Well, not sure about that. But the Cavs would probably be at least an NCAA tournament six seed.

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Not exactly.  Anthony Hopkins speaking to Jay Leno last night “Only America could produce ‘American Idol.'”

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Some wondered if after Texas passed very restrictive laws tightening clinic restrictions and banning abortion after 20 weeks, that the backlash from women might make them reconsider. They’re reconsidering all right. Now a legislator has introduced a bill banning abortion after SIX weeks.

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Matt Garza apparently has been told he’ll be traded, though he doesn’t want to leave the Cubs, as he believes the team is headed in the right direction. “I don’t think we are far away from winning.” Sounds like Garza is getting out of Wrigley just in time, he’s becoming delusional.

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Dear Gawd, now the U.K. Telegraph has a cover story on “10 ways to bring on the Royal Baby.” Actually there’s one way with a 100% success rate: Wait.

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So, conspiracy theorists of the world, where is the speculation that Kim Kardarshian is waiting to show pictures of North West until the day the Duchess of Cambridge gives birth?

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Tough and tougher.

July 3, 2013

Jamaican runner Novlene Williams-Mills. who won a bronze with her 400m relay in the 2012 Olympics, just revealed she been secretly diagnosed with breast cancer the month before and had a lumpectomy 3 days after the closing ceremony. Weaker sex my a**.

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So Dennis Rodman thinks that after his visit to North Korea he should be a candidate for the Nobel Peace Prize. More like a candidate for the Piece Of Work Prize.

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1. All countries spy. 2. Edward Snowden has made it clear he views it is his mission to expose spying and will use any means at his power to do so. 3. Snowden wants to live in a new country. 4. See #1. 5. Snowden is scr*wed.

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Aaron Hernandez jerseys are now selling for hundreds of dollars on Ebay. To paraphase P.T. Barnum, guess no one also ever went broke underestimating the bad taste of the American public.

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Regarding that New England Patriots offer to trade in Aaron Hernandez jerseys;  T.C. says “The kicker is that you get an Ochocinco one in return.”

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New York City GOP mayoral candidate Joe Lhota just called on Anthony Weiner’s ex-girlfriends to dish dirt so that women “will come to the right conclusion after enough women come out and talk about what it was like to be with him and date him and things like that.” Uh, did Lhota forget that New Yorkers re-elected Giuliani, and voted overwhelming twice for Bill Clinton?

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Iggy Pop, 66, says he has quit stage-diving in his shows. Was this after a number of shows where he dived and couldn’t get up?

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Jennifer Aniston: “I’ll never forget when Justin and I were on a road trip and we were so hungry, “The only thing around was McDonald’s. I think I ordered a Big Mac. Wow, my body did not react well to that! It was like putting gasoline in a purified system.” Even most first-world people are thinking “REALLY-First-World Problems”

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An Ohio day-care operator was arrested and charged with putting Benadryl and Melatonin in kids’ pancakes to get them to sleep. “How awful” said many Americans. “How much did she use?” asked many tired parents.

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So after Rick Perry gets his special legislative session to vote on his abortion bill, will the Texas governor’s next move be to ask his state to declare they are not subject to the 19th amendment?

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There are rumors that Texas Governor Rick Perry might announce another run for President of the United States. Millions of Americans are very excited about this possibility. They’re called “Democrats.”

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The GOP strategy if Hillary Clinton runs for President is reportedly to try to paint her as “old news.” Well, that really ought to boost Jeb Bush.

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Watching Yasiel Puig makes me think maybe a good second half strategy for SF Giants might be to troll waters outside Cuba with a black and orange boat and sign saying saying “Baseball players welcome here.”

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Entitled much? A TripAdvisor review of a 3-star NY hotel booked ON PRICELINE rants how even though she advised a 7a arrival the hotel did not have her room ready at 9a for early check-in.  (And only had it ready an hour before the promised 3pm check-in time.)   Plus they wouldn’t give her Hilton Honours points with the discounted price.  And she got a small, dark room. Hello? ‎#Yougetwhatyoupayfor

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Fabulous!

June 26, 2013

Conservatives may be disheartened over DOMA being overturned today, and gay marriages being allowed again in California. But hey, from a business standpoint, think of all the economic stimulus from gay weddings! #Expensivechampagne

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Is the New England Patriots’ season as dead as DOMA?

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Apparently Aaron Hernandez is the 29th NFL player arrested since this year’s Super Bowl.  This is clearly what comes of allowing too many heterosexuals in the league.

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The prosecution’s evidence against Hernandez allegedly includes some used bubble gum found in a car seen near the site of the murder.  Gum that he may have been seen buying.   So does this mean, if he chewed, then he is through?

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Cleveland rookie LB Ausar Walcott was arrested Tuesday and charged with attempted murder after he allegedly punched a man in the head last weekend. Gosh, the Browns can’t even get the major headlines on the NFL police blotter.

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Rough week for Paula Deen. Who knew it was possible to make Walmart look politically correct?

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Paula Deen in a teary television interview today complained of “horrible, horrible lies” about her. Uh, in Celebrity 101 class shouldn’t there be a session featuring Hugh Grant’s interview with Leno? Admit, say you were stupid, and move on. (Then if necessary find God and beg forgiveness.)

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Just wondering, how would Justice Clarence Thomas have ruled on “Loving v. Virginia” in 1967….

(if that’s too “inside baseball,”  “Loving v. Virginia” was the ruling that struck down inter-racial marriage laws. And Thomas is married to a white woman.)

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Best comedy line of the week goes to coach Chip Kelly: “As I have I stated before, the NCAA investigation and subsequent ruling had no impact on my decision to leave Oregon for Philadelphia.”

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From Bill Littlejohn:  “Former Cub Kerry Wood found a body floating in a harbor.  I hear he strained his shoulder calling 911.”

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In Justice Scalia’s angry dissent today he once again railed against “homosexual sodomy.” So does he have a position on heterosexual sodomy. (Technically defined as anything but vaginal intercourse…?.)

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Texas Gov. Rick Perry just called a new special session to take up the abortion bill that was filibustered last night. What happened to that “small government” philosophy?

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You can’t make this stuff up…   Gov. Perry says he is calling a special session on that abortion bill because “Texans value life.” On the same day that the state has executed its 500th inmate since they reinstated the death penalty in 1982.

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Somewhere both #MollyIvins and #AnnRichards are together looking down on #WendyDavis. And smiling.

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 Terminal, the sequel?

June 26, 2013

Edward Snowden is apparently  living in a Russian airport transit terminal. Didn’t we already see this movie with Tom Hanks?

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President Obama said today in a speech “”We don’t have time for a meeting of the Flat Earth Society.” And some in the GOP immediately accused him of trying to influence the IRS against granting the Flat Earthers tax-exempt status.

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Apparently Heisman-winning QB Johnny Manziel almost transferred when he was suspended for the 2012 season for being caught in a bar fight with a fake ID.     The suspension was overturned on appeal, aided by a letter from the Texas A & M coach.  Although Manziel did have to take a 6 hour class. Wonder what the class was on? Sports and Criminal Justice?

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So now that the good old boys in Texas think they have rewritten the filibuster rules  (and perhaps altered a time-stamp)  can we at least apply their standards to the GOP in Congress? Then we might actually be able to get some legislation passed.

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Texas Democrats, led by state senator Wendy Davis, who spoke for 13 hours, were filibustering against a bill in Texas that will virtually outlaw abortion in the state. Wonder when they will need another filibuster – against cuts in aid for the resulting children born into poverty?

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The Cubs released reliever Carlos Marmol, who was 2-4 with a 5.86 ERA. Maybe the SF Giants can sign him to work the eighth inning. Based on the last week or two that 5.86 ERA would be an improvement.

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So Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are saying they named their daughter north because she is their “North Star… their highest point together.” Sort of like the “high-water mark of the Confederacy?”

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Wow. ESPN reported this comment about A-Rod Tuesday “Alex should just shut the f— up. That’s it. ” A not perhaps uncommon thought about the Yankees’ one-time star and current problem child. But the speaker?!  New York GM Brian Cashman.

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Forget Syria, the stock market, Snowden… here’s some GOOD news. It was just announced that Paul Giamatti will appear as Cora’s brother in season four of Downton Abbey.”

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Whatever happens with Snowden can we all agree that Booz Allen Hamilton might need to do a better pre-screening future job applicants for sensitive positions?

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This  last was sent to me by a reader, very interesting I think in the current situation with Snowden.

“I went to school in Washington, DC during the Vietnam war.  In 1969 there were protests – the War Moratorium – as it was called.  Many professors gave students off for the day (it was a Wednesday) so that they could attend the march.

My religion professor was a most ethical man, a wonderful teacher and a fine human being.

He did not cancel class and he said that if we cut it would go on our record.  (It was a long time ago -does anyone care if you cut class anymore?)

When he was asked, his reply was – “If this is what you believe in, then the price to be paid by you for your belief is to have an unexcused “cut” on your record.”

He was teaching us, that if you want to act with courage about an injustice – then you should not “buy” your courage, for free – it has to cost you something.

It was a lifelong lesson.”

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Sports without borders:

March 5, 2011

The Toronto Raptors were swept by the New Jersey Nets in London this weekend, – Which means the Raptors can now potentially lay claim to a new title – the worst NBA team in three countries AND two continents.

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On Saturday, The Texas Nationalist Movement marked Texas Independence Day with a rally at the Capitol urging Texans to secede from the United States. Finally, an idea that both Californians and Texans can agree upon.

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If Texas secedes, how long until New Mexico, Oklahoma,  Arkansas and Louisiana put up border fences?

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The San Antonio Spurs crushed the Heat last night 125-95. Maybe it’s time to start referring to Lebron and company as the Miami Not-So-Hot.

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Britney Spears is the latest to say now that she has “nothing to say” about her past. Wonder if she, Cam Newton and others have ever heard that line about “Those who cannot remember the past….?”

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Mitt Romney is now decrying Obamacare when the plan is very similar to what Romney himself did in Massachusetts. Well, at least this proves one thing – the Republican “Do as I say not as I do” mantra doesn’t just apply to morality and sex.

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In the does this really need a punchline department, this quote from Sarah Palin:

“See because our president is so inexperienced in the private sector and in government and in actually running anything and making any kind of budget that inexperience has really made manifest in some of the statements he makes.”

(a punchline, no, a translator, possibly.)

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We are now one week from NCAA  basketball’s “Selection Sunday.”    Translation, there are five productive working days left  in the month of March.

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Inspired by a comment from Augie:  There’s a new way to describe being hot and/or nervous this year.

“Sweating like Maksim Chmerkovskiy (Kristie Alley’s DWTS partner), waiting to find out if the week’s routine involves lifts.

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The BCS, airline security, and other jokes.

January 9, 2010

With all the fallout from the Gilbert Arenas gun incident with the Wizards following a card game, the New Jersey Nets informed players that gambling was no longer permitted on team flights. Which is harsh. It’s the only way this year at least some of the Nets were getting a taste of winning.

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A Facebook exercise designed to draw attention to breast cancer is requesting women to post their bra color as their status, and then invite their friends to do the same. Not surprisingly, Al Gore posted “green.”

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Backup Texas quarterback Garrett Gilbert’s father Gale was actually the Cal quarterback when they beat Stanford on “The Play.” Unfortunately last night Garrett didn’t have the Stanford band to bail him out.

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ESPN analysts are saying Boise State has a real chance for next year’s national championship, but it will depend on their pre-season ranking. Ladies and gentlemen, congratulations to the BCS. They have just turned college football into Olympic figure skating.

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Jay Leno made a lot of snide jokes tonight about NBC’s possibly cancelling his show. The network might have sued him for libel. But libel requires that the negative comments actually reach an audience.

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Curtis Allina, the inventor of the Pez dispenser, died at the age of 87. The funeral will feature a closed top coffin, which will then pop open, then closed, then open, then closed…

The service will be private, but tickets may be available on Ebay.

(explanatory note, Ebay was supposedly founded by a guy who wanted to make it easier for his girlfriend to buy and sell her Pez dispenser connection.)

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Former New York mayor Rudy Guiliani appeared on ABC’s “Good Morning America” and praised former President George W. Bush’s record on terrorism over that of President Obama’s. “We had no domestic attacks under Bush; we’ve had one under Obama.” Yes, he said it.

Later apparently, Guiliani corrected himself and said he should have said “Since 9/11.” Oh yeah, that. But, btw, Richard Reed boarded that American flight with his shoe bomb on December 22, 2001.

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A Hawaiian Airlines flight to Maui was intercepted by fighter pilots and returned to Portland because of a passenger’s rambling comment card talking about “Gilligan’s Island” with fantasies about Ginger and Mary Ann. Now, I’m no theology expert, but I think it’s a pretty sure bet that the 72 virgins do NOT include Ginger and Mary Ann.

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Republican strategist Steve Schmidt, who was engaged in a bitter power struggle with Sarah Palin, now says the former Alaska governor lied on the campaign trail. So as angry as he is, Schmidt is basically conceding Palin showed signs of being able to run for president.

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It’s over….

January 8, 2010

Yes, the college bowl season is over. You know it probably went on too long when the last truly awful football plays of the year weren’t made by the Detroit Lions.

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Congrats to the Crimson Tide for winning the BCS National Championship Game against a Colt McCoy-less Longhorns team. And over in Idaho, the Boise State Broncos are thinking, with some reason… we could take either of these teams.

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Tonight’s BCS championship game between Texas and Alabama was played over a month after both teams played their last games. The players have been so bored, some of them have actually gone to class

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Longhorns quarterback Colt McCoy was injured and out of the BCS Championship early. It was the most desperate time Texans could remember without a real leader since George W. Bush was governor.
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The BCS championship game was played over a month after the regular season ended. “And the problem with that is?” said Bud Selig.

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Of course, the reason for the huge delay until the final game was for hype, and television ratings. Which means someday the World Series could be known as the “Thanksgiving Classic.”

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It now appears Gilbert Arenas’s teammate Javaris Crittenton actually cocked and loaded his gun during their locker room confrontration. But come on, he’s a Wizard. There was no chance he would get off a good shot.

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USC quarterback Aaron Corp, who lost his starting job to Matt Barkley after being injured, announced that he was transferring to the University of Richmond. Corp must really want out. Being at Richmond is likely to be a heckuva pay cut.

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A sting operation caught as many as 58 nine potential illegal immigrants last Sunday in Foxboro. The men were their way to shovel snow off the field at Gillette Stadium before the Patriots game. This could be the biggest immigrant roundup in sports since the Yankees took their team picture.

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According to the New York Post, White House party crashers Tareq and Michaele Salahi are apparently being paid $5000 to headline a party at Caesar’s Palace nightclub. Well, that will discourage them.

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The organizers for the party who are paying gate-crashing Salahi’s a $5000 appearance fee expect to sell several hundred tickets. With an actual attendance figure of about 20,000.

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John McCain has released an anti-Obama commercial to kick off his own re-election campaign. Senator McCain wanted the commercial to look as up-to-date and modern as possible so he insisted it be shot in Technicolor.

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