Posted tagged ‘Lebron jokes’

« Left Coast Sports Babe home page
Newer Entries »

LeBron gone.

July 11, 2014

Open note to Miami fans. There are children in Africa who need clothes. Just in case you were thinking of a jersey bonfire? #Lebron

–

Most googled question in #Cleveland today? “How do you get burn marks out of a jersey? #Lebron

–

Lebron James returning to the #Cavaliers. Best sure thing about this for #Cleveland fans? It knocks Johnny Manziel off the front page.

 

Miami Heat owner Micky Arison sent a classy ‘Thanks for the memories” tweet about Lebron James leaving, even though it’s not great news for his franchise. But Arison must be used to train wrecks by this point – he also owns Carnival and Costa Cruises.

 

“There are no second acts in American lives.” So somewhere maybe F. Scott Fitzgerald is saying “F**k you, Lebron James.”

–

Suspended Uruguay soccer star Luis Suarez is leaving his professional team of Liverpool for Barcelona. Wonder how long he had to chew on that decision?

–

Chad Johnson, now a member of the Montreal Alouettes, scored his first touchdown since 2011 and celebrated by hugging a CFL official. Out of habit Roger Goodell fined him.

–

Forget #Lebron, the REAL breaking news is that Tim Lincecum got Paul Goldschmidt out #SFGiants

–

Curtis Reeves Jr. the man charged with shooting a man for texting inside a movie theater, was released on bond today. Reeves will be allowed to leave home only for church, court, doctors’ appointments, and the GROCERY STORE. New catch  phrase in Florida: “Cover me, I’m going for a quart of milk..”

–

 

Mashiro Tanaka, on being injured. “I want to apologize to the Yankees organization, my teammates and our fans for not being able to help during this time.” How long until the NY Yankees apologize to their fans for this season?

 

Brazil vs. the Netherlands for 3rd place in the World Cup Saturday. Have we finally found a sporting event where athletes care less than the NFL Pro Bowl?

–

Consumer Reports just rated California-based “The Habit Burger Grill” as having the best (chain) burger in America. Uh, many people would say it’s not even the best burger in California.

 

 

From Alex  Kaseberg:  “100 years ago, Babe Ruth made his baseball debut. It was a big day, Larry King threw out the first pitch. “

 

(and I’m thinking, who could forget the Babe’st thrilling first hit off of Jamie Moyer?)

 

–

 

Well, Jerry Brown may win re-election easily in California, but for 2012 Gubernatorial fun at least we have Florida. Where Gov. Rick Scott just criticized Charlie Crist as “elitist” for wearing a Rolex. Scott is worth about $150 million and has his own plane.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Water world.

July 3, 2014

A Qantas flight from Los Angeles to Melbourne had to turn back when a pipe burst, sending a river of water rushing through the plane. On United they would have just kept going and charged a swimming pool fee.

 

Qantas may be changing their pre-flight briefing.  “In case of rushing water in the aisle, passengers wishing to use the restroom may use their seat cushion as a flotation device.”

–

–

Silver lining about all these religious universities whose beliefs are so pure they don’t want the government involved in their health insurance – it will save taxpayer money because they won’t want tainted government funds for their research grants and student loans, right? #wecandream

–

Apparently the #WorldCup television ratings have been higher than those of the NBA finals. #Betterflopping?

–

 

All these NBA players working so hard to see if they can end up on teams together… If they spent as much effort actually working on playing as a team together maybe some of these prima donnas would have a better chance for a ring.

–

 

SportsCenter Breaking News “Lebron James agent meets with multiple teams.” “Lakers and Knicks offer max to Carmelo.” This isn’t an NBA off-season, it’s a bad mini-series of “The Dating Game.”

–

#SFGiants manager Bruce Bochy says he will drop Blanco – 10 for 59 since Pagan got hurt- down in the batting order “until he gets his swing.” Uh, except what if 10 for 59 IS his swing?

 

–

Overheard around U.S water coolers today. “Hey, do you know when the next World Cup games are?” “No, me neither.”

–

Hillary Clinton said in a BBC interview that she’s “grateful” she forgave Bill over Monica Lewinsky. “Forgiveness is a choice, and I fully respect those who don’t make that choice for whatever reason in their personal or professional lives .But for me, it was absolutely the right choice.” So where’s the applause from “family values” conservatives?

–

–

Stay classy Mississippi. GOP State Sen. Chris McDaniel is offering a $1,000 ‘reward’ for evidence of voter fraud by Senator Thad Cochran, who beat him in the Republican Primary. In this case the “Big Tent” is more like a cover over a boxing ring.

–

The economy added 288,000 jobs in June and the unemployment rate fell to 6.1% – the lowest it’s been since September 2008. Time for the GOP to call another hearing on Benghazi.

–

From an anonymous friend “Next up: SCOTUS declares the Universal Suffrage Amendment unconstitutional because “it wasn’t in the original Constitution, so the Founding Fathers didn’t want it”. Cave paintings at 11″

–

–

From Bill Littlejohn  “Food and drink will be delivered to 49er fans at the new Levi’s Stadium via GPS tracking.  Maybe they might reconsider Apple Maps, however, as a couple of construction workers there, however, report that recently their lunches were sent into San Francisco Bay”

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

I feel the earth move….

March 29, 2014

NBC news at 11pm in the San Francisco area: “It is a chaotic scene in much of Southern California.” Well, we knew that, what about the earthquake?

 

Moderate damage reported from tonight’s Los Angeles earthquake. Some Trader Joe’s reported several broken cases of Charles Shaw wine. Why, that could mean a total of almost $100 in losses.

–

So what defines a moderate quake in LA? When the earth moves faster than the traffic?

–

Lebron James, estimated by Forbes to have earned $60 million last year, said he would opt out of his Miami Heat contract if he could get a deal like Miguel Cabrera got. Well, the man’s got to feed his family.

–

The SF 49ers’ Chris Culliver was arrested today in San Jose, around 10:30am, for felony hit-and-run and weapons (brass knuckles) possession. Sigh. There is just no cure for stupid.

–

A 148 word paper on Rosa Parks got a football player an “A-” at UNC? Wow. In the SEC a football player’s paper of that length would have qualified as a master’s thesis.

–

Steven Seagal today defended Vladimir Putin over Crimea and called him ‘one of the world’s great living leaders.” What is Seagal doing? Angling for an invitation to North Korea?

–

This Leland Yee case in California now involves mobs, drugs, guns, bribes, hitmen, etc. Meaning the biggest question may not be how much time Yee might get, but which network will be first with the made-for-tv movie?

–

Just in case you were thinking you really don’t know sports. A Jeopardy answer was “100+ assists in an NHL season has been accomplished only 13 times, 11 times by this player.” And the contestant said “Who is Magic Johnson?” (Now if you think “Good guess”, then yes, you really don’t know sports.)

—

Congrats to the Florida Gators, heading back to the Elite Eight with a team featuring four Seniors. Players at most other college basketball powerhouses are asking “What are Seniors?”

–

Tragic, really. Gwyneth Paltrow, talking about the difficulties of her life compared to moms with “regular jobs.” “It’s much harder for me…. I think it’s different when you have an office job, because it’s routine and, you know, you can do all the stuff in the morning and then you come home in the evening. When you’re shooting a movie, they’re like, ‘We need you to go to Wisconsin for two weeks,’ and then you work 14 hours a day and that part of it is very difficult. ” #affluenza #tonedeaf

–

MLB and the union have agreed that players suspended during the season for PED’s will not be eligible for that year’s postseason. Well, at least that’s one thing Cubs players don’t have to worry about.

–

Hearing crickets from most of the GOP regarding Chris Christie hiring his own investigators to find him innocent of any wrongdoing. Have to wonder what we’d hear if President Obama hired his own team to investigate Benghazi.

–

Forget the “needle in a haystack” figure of speech, may be time to change it to “a plane in the Indian ocean.”

 

Bus to hell time. Following tonight’s 5.1 earthquake in Los Angeles will CNN be doing breaking news updates on reported debris?

–

Any truth to the rumor that the Washington Generals are trying to schedule a game with the #Philadelphia #76ers?

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 4 Comments

Now playing in New York – “Guys and guys” and “dolls and dolls.”

June 25, 2011

The New York GOP controlled Senate voted Friday night to legalize gay marriage, and Governor Cuomo signed the bill into law:

So will Billy Crystal make a second movie  “When Harry met Sal?

–

Dirk Nowitzki threw out  the ceremonial first pitch at the Texas Rangers’ game Friday night. Rumor has it the Florida Marlins were thinking of having Lebron James throw out the first pitch at a game too. But they’re afraid the ball will only make it three-quarters of the way to the plate.

–

R.I.P. Columbo (Peter Falk.) In his honor, all trenchcoats may be worn at half-mast.

Alex Kaseberg wonders if his last words to the nurse were “Sorry to bother you maam, one more thing…”

–

Texas Governor Rick Perry is edging closer to a run for the GOP Presidential nomination in 2012. As soon as he figures out one little problem. How do you campaign for President and talk about your state’s secession at the same time?

–

Tennis riddle of the day:  What do you call an American man in the finals at Wimbledon? A spectator.

–

Commie pinko time for the next two below:

In an anti-abortion speech, Michelle Bachmann applauded the fact that at least six Minnesota Planned Parenthood clinics were closing due to federal budget cuts? So let’s see, the objective is to limit abortions, and she thinks it will help to limit lower-income people’s access to birth control?

–

Well, we’ve finally found a way of curing many GOP members of Congress from always wanting to take military action in other countries. Have a Democratic president authorize the operation.

–

–

So after settling their 2004 lawsuit in 2008, then deciding not to take their rejected followup suit to the U.S. Supreme Court, the Winklevoss twins are now going after Facebook with new lititgation in Massachusetts. Even Brett Favre is saying “Guys, give it up already.’

–

Just once when you’re sitting on hold forever with an airline, instead of hearing “Due to higher than normal call volume you may experience extended hold times”, it would be nice to hear something a little more truthful. Like “Due to the fact we want to minimize salary costs we have decided to under staff our phone lines in hopes you will give up and go to our website.

–

Yesterday’s – “Herman Cain said that Jon Stewart was ‘attacking him because he was black.” Nope, Herman, Stewart was attacking you because you are stupid.'”  

Said Augie “Responded Sarah Palin, what color is stupid?”

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: 4 Comments

No place like home.

June 24, 2011
 
Lindsay Lohan’s parties and failed alcohol test will not get her sent back to jail, because alcohol was not specifically prohibited in her house arrest sentence. Although the judge did say Lohan used “extremely poor judgment” and ordered “No more parties.” Jeez, what does a celebrity have to do to get sent to jail in L.A, kill someone? Never mind, strike that.
 
–
 
A Southwest pilot has returned from his suspension after his cockpit rant.  Apparently he didn’t realize he was broadcasting on an air traffic channel while referring to the airline’s flight attendants as a “continuous stream of gays and grannies and grandes.” 
 
Hope the guy plans to spend his remaining years with the airline bringing his own coffee onboard.
 
–
But really, what could possibly have been his defense for such a rant?, (which was also apparently laced with profanities.)   Guess the pilot couldn’t apologize and say he was drunk?
–
 
–
Lindsay Lohan has been photographed having rooftop parties during her home confinement, and has now apparently failed a court-ordered alcohol test, her second of the year. It’s all part of Los Angeles’ celebrity “75 strikes and you’re out” policy.
 
–
–
After the Washingon Nationals won for the 11th time in 12 games, manager Jeff Riggleman just suddenly quit. No word if he’s been offered a job by any other team, but Riggleman did reputedly receive a congratulatory call from Sarah Palin.
 
–
 
 
–
NBA Player’s union president Derek Fisher said that players aren’t afraid of a work stoppage. And presumably Lebron James will teach them how to view it just as a long fourth quarter.
 
–
–
Sarah Palin cancelled an announced trip to the Sudan due to “scheduling difficulties.” Wonder what that means? She couldn’t find it on a map?
 
–
After Jon Stewart made fun of Herman Cain when the presidential candidate said in a speech that he would not sign a bill longer than three pages, Cain said that Stewart was “attacking him because he was black.” Nope, Herman, Stewart was attacking you because you are stupid.
–
 
–
Some GOP candidates say President Obama’s Afghanistan troop reduction plan brings home troops too slowly, others say it brings them home too fast. Anyone want to hazard a guess what they would say if it were President George W. Bush’s plan? “What a great example of nuanced leadership?” (Those of them who know the word nuanced.)
 
–
Ron Artest now wants to change his name – for real, he has petitioned the Los Angeles Supreme Court. The new name he wants? “Metta World Peace.” Guess “Bat Sh*t Crazy” was already taken.
–
–
The Phillie Phanatic mascot was attending a minor league game and had to be taken to the hospital after getting drilled by a foul line drive. The Phanatic suffered a minor concussion but will be fine. Maybe he should consider attending SF Giants games. They don’t hit the ball hard enough to hurt anyone.
 
–
 Serious groaner for NHL fans from Gary Morton:  Fans in BC don’t want to talk about the Stanley Cup anymore. To them, that’s Luongo and far away.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Summer time, and the laughing is easy.

June 22, 2011

One of the new popular items at county fairs this summer is apparently deep-fried Kool-Aid balls. (really.) Assume the price on them is $4.20.

–

Another example of why when you wish/pray for something, it is important to be specific.   The Giants lost to the Twins tonight 9-2, after Minnesota scored 8 runs in the first inning.  How many SF Giants fans said before the game- “God, I am so tired of watching great pitching wasted in 2-1 losses”?

–

Another day, another Republican candidate. Today it’s Jon Huntsman, who says he wants to “create jobs.” Waiting for the honest man or woman who really states the GOP platform – “More tax breaks for millionaires.”

–

Dirk Nowitzki is now trying to decide whether to take the summer off, or play for the German National Team. Or he could make a Lebron like compromise – play for the German team, but take the fourth quarter off.

–

Now Newt Gingrich’s campaign finance staff has resigned. To paraphrase an old joke, at this point the main difference between Newt’s presidential campaign and Elvis, is that everyone knows the campaign is dead.

–

“Lost” actor Doug Hutchison, 51, announced that he has married his 16-year-old girlfriend, Courtney Alexis Stodden. Even Hugh Hefner is saying “Now that’s just creepy.”

–

Princess Cruise Lines is now dropping both Mazatlan and Puerto Vallarta as a port on their seven-day cruises from Los Angeles, citing concerns over “the continued violence in these areas.” Really? If the cruise line was that concerned about violence, they would just drop Los Angeles.

–

In a report released by the American Customer Satisfication Index, airlines ranked 47th amongst among 47 industries. This despite many survey respondents who tried to rank them 50th.

–

An Amish man was arrested today in Indiana when he arrived at a 12 year old girl’s house in a horse-drawn buggy . Allegedly he had sent the girl sexually explicit messages. So what is an Amish sext? – A hand written note directing someone to look for naked pictures placed on top of their rotary phone?

–

This next may only make sense to California readers…

Statement from Gavin Newsom’s spokesperson: “Contrary to rumors and speculations cited in recent media reports, Lt. Governor Newsom has no intention of pursuing a run for the U.S. House of Representatives.” Of course not now – at this point he has no idea where things will end up with redistricting.

–

Despite many allegations of the contrary, a investigation by the Ohio Bureau of Motor Vehicles of two Columbus-area automobile dealerships found that no state laws were broken as far as used car deals given to Ohio State football players and family members, and that they could not confirm any special deals were tied to free tickets and memorabilia.

The department, however,  declined to release details of  the investigation.  Would just love to see how much Buckeyes’ memorabilia is on display at the BMV. 

–

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 7 Comments

Biting the dust.

June 10, 2011

Newt Gingrich’s campaign manager and many senior staff for his presidential campaign have resigned. Said Rick Tyler, the former press spokesman “The team that left had a different idea of what it would take to win.” Namely, as they probably realized, a different candidate.

–

Miami fans who celebrated upon hearing that Lebron was “taking his talents to South Beach,” may not have thought of one thing. That James might leave his talents in Florida when travelling to road games in the playoffs.

–

The U.S. State Department denied rumors that Hillary Clinton has been approached about taking over as head of the World Bank.

Well, if she did, at least the maids would be safe.

–

Terrelle Pryor says he is not interested in the Canadian Football League, and is definitely focused on the NFL supplemental draft. Makes sense, with an average CFL salary of under $100,000, Pryor would be taking a paycut from OSU.

–

Cam Newton and the rest Auburn’s national champion football team got their White House visit and photo op with the President yesterday. When the NCAA takes away the Tigers’ title in a few years, will they delete the pictures?

–

Tennessee Titans wide receiver Kenny Britt arrested for a second time in New Jersey, just a day after appearing in court for an April arrest on traffic charges. Guess Ray Lewis was right about that increase in crime if the NFL lockout didn’t get settled.

–

How offensively challenged have the World Champion San Francisco Giants been lately?  Mario Mendova, were he still active,  could bat cleanup.

–

An aide says that while it is too early to tell, Gabrielle Giffords may not be able to return to Congress because she still struggles to find words and put together sentences. Congress? Sounds she’s already recovered enough to run for President.

–

Meanwhile, Sarah Palin has said that she hopes to meet with Margaret Thatcher when she stops in London on the way to a conference in India this summer. This response from a Thatcher friend was quoted in the U.K. Guardian “Lady Thatcher will not be seeing Sarah Palin. That would be belittling for Margaret. Sarah Palin is nuts.’

–

And yes,  we’re not done with Weiner jokes.  (Nor will be ever be, if he doesn’t shut up…)

Anthony Weiner apparently called Bill Clinton to talk about his “situation.” No word on the conversation, although one rumored comment was “Dude, come on. At least a dress can be drycleaned.”

Augie says, has there ever been a Brat worst than Weiner?

–

Speaking of unfortunate names, there has been no scandal about him, but a candidate for leader of the Labour Party in Britain is Ed Balls.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 6 Comments

No shortage of losers.

June 9, 2011

How bad are the Mets on-field and financial woes? To increase attendance and revenue simultaneously, rumor has it the team is considering offering free beer. But then charging $20 for pay toilets.

–

It’s really hard to win the airline division of the “stupidest public relations mistake of the year.” But Delta is, in charging returning servicemen from Afghanistan $2800 for extra bags, is clearly now the frontrunner.

–

What happened to Vancouver in the last two games of the Stanley Cup playoffs? Eight goals in game three, four goals so far in game four. Roberto Luongo’s goal tending has had more holes than Anthony Weiner’s stories.

–

But really, could Anthony Weiner have made his choices any worse lately?    Other than proclaiming his innocence last week in a one-hour ESPN special?

–

–

It turns out even if he doesn’t resign, Anthony Weiner’s congressional district may be eliminated in next year’s redistricting. Could be the most appropriate Weiner cut since Lorena Bobbitt.

–

Now it turns out that Anthony Weiner’s wife is pregnant. If it’s a girl will they name her Minnie Cocktail Weiner?

–

CNN is reporting that Anthony Weiner’s colleagues are telling him he should resign “to preserve his own dignity.” To mix metaphors, I believe this might be a case of locking the barn door after the weiner is out.

–

The NFL is apparently making contingency plans for an eight game season. Which means the Detroit Lions 2011 slogan might be “Nasty, brutal and short.”

–

So the latest on embattled and now former OSU quarterback Terrelle Pryor is that he will play a year in the UFL. Wait until Pryor discovers they won’t be lining up to pay big bucks for him to sign memorabilia for the Las Vegas Locomotives or Florida Tuskers.

–

Ann Coulter was a guest on “the View” today. Guess it’s part of the show’s new policy to try to include more male guests.

–

Lady Gaga’s latest record “Born This Way” will now be available in Lebanon, despite earlier rumors that the album had been banned for being offensive to Christianity. Apparently the Lebanese government decided that Lady Gaga was offensive to most organized religions equally.

–

Presidential candidate Tim Pawlenty says the government shouldn’t have any organizations or services that overlap with the private sector.

And yes, this is the same Pawlenty who pushed hard for using almost $400 million in public funds, (sales tax) to fund the construction of Target Field, the new Minnesota Twins stadium.  Ah, priorities.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 3 Comments

Not standing the Heat.

June 8, 2011

Rooting for a Mark Cuban owned team from Texas? It’s a tough job, but the Heat have made sure that a lot of somebodies have to do it.

–

More pictures of junk tweeted around Tuesday night.    Not Anthony Weiner again, thank gawd.  Just videos of  Lebron James’s play in Game 4. 

–

Meanwhile, what are the chances of Anthony Weiner ending up on SNL? I smell a potential remake of “D*** in a Box.”

–

As far as politics, however,  what can Anthony Weiner possibly do next? Except say “partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.” And then run for President.

–

Okay, now I feel old. The Detroit Tigers selected, in the 26th round, Colin Kaline. Not Al’s son. His GRANDSON.

–

Nationals prospect Bryce Harper, 18, blew a kiss to the opposing pitcher in Single A after hitting a home run. If Harper had done that to Nolan Ryan, we’d be discussing plans for his funeral.

–

Is anyone remotely surprised? Terrelle Pryor, already suspended five games over memorabilia sales before the car allegations came out, has announced he will not return to Ohio State and will enter the supplemental draft. Only thing, even if the lockout ends, sounds like to join the NFL Pryor may have to take a pay cut.

–

But let’s see, Pryor made his money, got loaner cars, freebies all around town, and apparently the stories are now that he made up to $1000 a session for signing memorabilia.  Oh yeah, and he played in three major BCS bowls.   As to his suspension, he’s leaving OSU before he serves a minute of it. 

Yeah, for others thinking of breaking the rules, let this serve as a warning

–

At a state dinner Tuesday night, German Chancellor Angela Merkel received receive the Presidential Medal of Freedom from President Obama. But fortunately no neckrub.

–

From my friend Alex Kaseberg: Libyan President Moammar Khadafy vows that he will not leave his palace. That’s a smart move. Just announce to Seal Team 6 that you’re waiting at home.

 

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Loserville:

April 8, 2011

The Cubs have started 3-3. But at Wrigley Field the attendance on Monday was 26,292, the lowest since 2002. Normally there aren’t so many empty seats at Wrigley until the whole place is empty in October.

–

Natalie Portman said in an interview “I’m too old to be a stoner.”
“Speak for yourself, honey,” responded Willie Nelson.

–

Donald Trump has declared bankruptcy three times, now he’s so concerned about President Obama’s birth that he says he’s sent a team of investigators to Hawaii “in hopes of getting to the bottom of the issue.” And this is the man who hopes to convince Americans he should be the one to oversee government spending?

Regarding “The Donald’s” potential presidential bid, Bill Cosby told Meredith Vieira on the “Today” show that Trump should “run or shut up.” Some of us wish he would do both.

 

The 2011 Boston Red Sox payroll is over $161 million, and the team is 0-6. With that kind of pay to performance ratio the Sox should be the official team of the U.S. Congress.

–

The trip to Italy for the cast of Jersey Shore has been postponed. Many things apparently have to be negotiated first. Including America’s non-aggression pact with Italy.

–

For those who wonder, how could Lebron James have grown up so clueless and self-absorbed,  here’s a story: Lebron’s mother was arrested by Miami Beach police after she reportedly assaulted a valet because it was taking too long to have her car delivered.

–

Bill Littlejohn, with a variation on the above  incident.   LeBron James has become a minority owner of Liverpoll FC..  Scotland Yard had this reaction:  “Soccer hooligans, we can handle. Just tell him to please don’t bring his mother.”

–

President Obama said Wednesday night there was “no reason” not to come to a deal and avoid a budget shutdown. Alas, when in recent memory has reason had anything to do with it?

–

Once again, how can you write a punchline? And how can you make stuff like this up? Fox News hose Bill O’Reilly, talking about potential budgets cuts for “non-vital” programs: “Nodody’s life is affected by NPR. Nobody’s life is affected by Planned Parenthood. These are options.”  (Yes, he said this.)

–

Augie’s comment about Ann Coulter coming to San Francisco.  Wonder if she’ll be speaking  at the
Y-M-C-A.?   I hear there’s a run on the Village People costumes. “

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Raiders of the Just Plain Lost.

January 20, 2011

LeBron James has announced his new cartoon series “The LeBrons,” that will “teach our nation’s online youth about the importance of morality and honor in a young person’s life.” (No, I am not making this up.) Will lesson one be “Don’t let your ego lead you into bad Decisions?” 

–

Rush Limbaugh  mocked China’s president Hu Jintao by speaking in nonsensical, ersatz Chinese.

Okay, fine, a comedian may claim not to be racist and still mock a politician’s unintelligible speech, but if so, why didn’t Rush mock George W Bush by speaking in nonsensical ersatz English?

–

The GOP-led house today voted to repeal “Obamacare,” in a largely symbolic vote intended to express their distaste for a government role in healthcare. Well, if they feel that strongly about it, why don’t they all take the larger symbolic step of giving up their OWN government-paid healthcare.

–

At this year’s Super Bowl fans will have the opportunity to spend $200 to sit outside Cowboys Stadium on the lawn and watch the game on a big screen.   Inspired by the idea, for the 2011 season, the New York Yankees are already negotiating with Bronx officials about leasing any available park  or lawn space near their stadium.

–

And President Obama said he will go to the Super Bowl if his beloved Bears win on Sunday.  No word on how much Cowboys owner Jerry Jones will charge him for tickets.

–

New Raiders coach Hue Jackson said the team is “chasing greatness.” Yes, like dogs chase cars.

(And with about the same chance of actually catching their target.)

–

Al Davis now seems to think Hue Jackson is the answer for the Oakland Raiders. Of course, each time Larry King probably always believes that “death do us part” stuff too

–

A recent survey, complete with breath tests, outside of MLB and NFL stadiums showed that eight percent of fans left the games legally drunk. Shocking. If true this means 92 percent of fans were theoretically sober?

–

Congresswoman Giffords is making great progress in her recovery and will soon be moved to a  rehabilitation facility, where according to her doctors “she will have to relearn how to think and plan.”  When she does that, maybe she can also teach some of her fellow members in Congress?

–

There were apparently short toasts at the White House Wednesday night before the state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. And Jintao’s toast of course preceded that of President Obama. Because we all know the protocol – Hu’s on first

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 3 Comments

Karmic tweeting.

January 13, 2011

Tweet from Lebron James attacking Cleveland Fans – “Crazy. Karma is a … Gets you every time. Its [sic] not good to wish bad on anybody. God sees everything!”
Yep, and tonight God apparently saw that tweet – Heat 105, Clippers 111.

–

Apparently James also forgot this little earlier directive from God:

Proverbs  16-18  “Pride goes before destruction,     a haughty spirit before a fall.

–

Open note to all NBA players.  If you are going to showboat and dunk, it is a good idea to put the ball in the basket.

–

Nicole Kidman has finally admitted to using Botox. In related news, Elton John is still gay.

–

How anti-climactic was Kidman’s Botox admission?  No one raised an eyebrow in Hollywood, not even both women left in town who could do that.

–

The Atlanta area and much of the southeast is still trying to dig out after this week’s snow and ice storm. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea for some locals to say that the Falcons would have a serious chance to get to the Super Bowl “when hell freezes over.”

–

The Speaker of the House hosted a cocktail party tonight for RNC committee members. Featuring no doubt “Boehner punch” – it seems bland and orange but one glass will bring you to tears.

–

Apparently the morning before his alleged shooting rampage, Jared Loughner was pulled over by a policeman for running a red light, but let off with a warning and no search of his car. Have to wonder, what would have happened had his name been, say, Julio Gonzalez?

–

Not sure about the rest of the country, but sounds like the Jets and Patriots certainly didn’t get the “can we try a little civility?” message.

–

And for most of the country, outside of New York and New England, this Jets-Patriots game now presents a dilemma – for one day you’ve actually got to root for one of these teams.

–

I’m willing to take the high road here and accept Sarah Palin’s word that she had no idea how offensive the term “blood libel” is to Jews and anyone who knows the history of the term. But isn’t this another example of why we actually want our potential leaders to be educated people?

–

Okay, even if Americans are willing to concede the 2nd amendment, and willing to accept that guns are not any more inherently dangerous than a car, here’s a question: Why can’t it simply be as hard to buy a gun as it is to get a driver’s license

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Are we thawed out for some football…?

December 28, 2010

Apparently Brett Favre will not play Tuesday night unless he passes a concussion test. Such a test would require Favre demonstrating he is thinking clearly and rationally. Shame for Vikings fans they didn’t adminster one at the beginning of the season.

–

Many if not most NBA fans haven’t gotten over “The Decision.”  Now following the uproar over his latest remarks about having few NBA teams, Lebron James stated today that he really isn’t in favor of contraction. 

You know, “The King’s Speech” is a great movie about a speech therapist named Lionel Logue who helped King George VI avoid embarrassing himself everytime he opened his mouth.  Wonder if Lionel has any descendants in Miami…..?

–

But really, James is an incredible talent.  Except lately he seems to get in more trouble opening his mouth than anyone not named Monica Lewinsky.

– 

–

The Miami Heat-Los Angeles Lakers game on Christmas drew the NBA’s highest holiday television rating since 2004. But Lebron James and his friends actually had an even more stunning accomplishment for the day – turning most of America into temporary Lakers’ fans.

–

Julian Assange has apparently signed a contract to write his autobiography. But how can the publisher possibly believe anyone will actually buy a copy of a book that a month ahead of time should be completely leaked to the internet?

–

The Florida Gators surprised their fans by announcing that they will be without four starters against Penn State in the Outback Bowl. The real surprise, the players involved are all injured, none were arrested or suspended.

–

With the snowfall back east, both the Giants and Jets were stranded in the midwest, and temporarily unable to fly home. Based on their team’s performance against the Packers, however, Giants fans are okay with them staying there for a while. (Like maybe until the Spring thaw.)

–

The Chilean miners are all heading to Disney World on an expense-paid trip that Disney has donated. So these men survived over two months being trapped underground; now comes the real test, how will they do on a few back-to-back rides on “It’s a Small World?”

–

My comedy writer  friend Jerry Perisho wonders about Hefner’s latest engagement and if he asked his fiancee’s father. I wonder if Hugh asked her grandfather?

–

Sarah Palin is now saying that her created word “refudiate,” was simply the result of hitting the wrong key instead of the P while she was tweeting. Uh, okay, but if so wouldn’t the word have read “reoudiate”, or “reludiate?  (Take a look at a QWERTY keyboard if this makes no sense.)

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

All-star break….

July 13, 2010

Monday through Wednesday of this week Major League Baseball takes a hiatus to focus on televising the All-Stars.

As opposed to the rest of the season when they focus on televising the Yankees.

Actually the Yankees have a name for the All-Star break, it’s “shopping time.”

–
Meanwhile in Baltimore, fans can rest assured that for three entire days, their Orioles are guaranteed not to lose.

–
For their new manager, The Orioles are apparently interested in hiring television analyst and former manager of the Yankees, Diamondbacks and Rangers, Buck Showalter.

Makes a certain amount of sense. Showalter was fired three times because he did a great job during the regular season, not so well during the playoffs. Shouldn’t be a problem for the Orioles.

–
Now Bud Selig has changed things so that the All-Star game will count, to make it more “meaningful” for the players. Yeah, exactly, the lone representative from a cellar-dweller or a last-minute injury replacement from some other mediocre team can hang a slider, or get lucky on a fast ball, and it completely changes a seven game World Series. Sure, makes sense to me.

–

Sunday was the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona. This year it may be hard to get an actual injury count, since in honor of Spain’s victory in the World Cup, countless runners who weren’t gored simply flopped.

–
Now that the World Cup is over, so is having to listening to vuvuzelas. But for those who will actually miss the cacophonous loud sounds, there’s always the American Idol tour.

–
–
It doesn’t look good for Mel Gibson making another Lethal Weapon movie. On the other hand he is definitely the frontrunner for the lead in a sequel to “Despicable Me.”

–
The YMCA is changing their name to the “Y” but the Village People have announced they won’t change their song title. Makes sense, besides, how long until no one knows what “Kodachrome” is, either.

–

Just another example of why Lebron doesn’t get it. Of course the guy had a right to decide he had given seven good years (well, plus or minus a few playoff games) to Cleveland and it was time to move to a different situation. But the special was the unfortunate equivalent of going on national tv to tell your wife you’ve decided to leave her for another woman.

–
Brett Favre has been working out for a while with some high school players in Mississippi. Today he ran away from reporters who tried to ask him about his plans for next year. Apparently Brett’s now not saying anything until he can work out a contract for an ESPN special.

–

Newt Gingrich says he’s considering a run for President in 2012. Yeah, who better to defend family values and marriage than a man who’s had three of them?

–
Senator David Vitter of Louisiana said today he supports “birthers” challenging President Obama’s citizenship in court, although he admitted his only “direct” knowledge of the issue was from the news media “filter.” Was that the same “filter” that Senator Vitter used to decide that prostitutes didn’t count as part of “…forsaking all others”

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Move over Los Angeles…

July 9, 2010

So “King James” is going to Miami, where he will end up with his friends Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh. After this ego-driven free-agency madness, forget hating the Lakers, the rest of America may just decide they can’t stand the Heat.

–
And back in Cleveland, suffice it to say that the only King Cavs fans want to compare Lebron to is Charles 1 of England.*

–
Fans in Cleveland, who once adored Lebron, have turned in a hurry. It’s not just that he left, but that he did it in such a narcissistic, over-the-top, public way. So many fans are publicly burning his old jerseys.

Guess we can call them, “Lebron fires,” or more aptly “Lebronfires from his Vanities.”

–

All over America, women watched their husbands and partners riveted to the Lebron show and saying “Don’t you dare ever call ‘the Bachelor’ or ‘Bachelorette’ insipid again.

–

–
Although in the past week, both a previous “Bachelor” couple (Jake and Vienna), and a Bachelorette couple (Jillian and Ed), have had well-publicized breakups. Just wondering, how lovey-dovey will James and Heat fans be if they don’t win a championship fast?

–
Not sure when the Miami Heat come to Cleveland next season, but no doubt Cavs fans will be looking for the number of Lindsay Lohan’s manicurist.

–
Everyone in Miami may not be thrilled about Lebron’s choice. For example, he just gave sports fans in the town yet more reasons in the spring not to go to Marlins games.

–
And btw, Lebron, you said you were taking your talents to South Beach? American Airlines Arena, where the Heat play, is in the city of Miami proper, about a 15 minute driver from South Beach. The main sport in South Beach is partying…. Hmm, never mind.
–

It was announced today that USC would be ineligible to be ranked in this year’s USA Today’s football coaches’ poll. But, the Trojans just hired coach Lane Kiffin -there wasn’t a snowball’s chance they would be ranked anyhow.

–
Larry King and his seventh wife Shawn have called off divorce proceedings. It was the 76 year old talk-show host who originally filed for divorce back in April. One of two things have happened. Either the two have reconciled, or Larry forgot why he filed in the first place.

*Asterisk to above joke, Charles 1 was beheaded after being convicted of treason by Parliament.

And for those hard core history and sports types, (yeah, both of us. ) How mad at the King are Cleveland fans? Many of them want to change their name to the Cleveland Roundheads.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Mistakes by the lake.

May 14, 2010

Not to say Lebron played like a quitter in the Cavaliers series against the Celtics. But in truth, he looked less like a King and more like a Governor of Alaska.

–
So let’s see, Lebron James, who was actually booed in Cleveland for his performance, is thinking of going to the New York Knicks? Yeah, now there’s a market where lousy play will certainly be dealt with in a kindler, gentler manner.

–
ESPN announcers said midway through the fourth quarter that Boston was “smelling victory.” Cleveland was smelling like the Cuyahoga River when it caught on fire.

–
How bad did the Cavaliers look? Even Ken Griffey, Jr, is saying “Hey, at least I’m not in the lineup when I fall asleep.”

–

How bad has the San Francisco Giants lineup looked lately? There’s more scoring when a bunch of guys from a video game convention hit the singles bars.

–
And San Francisco Giants fans are getting frustrated. At this point you can count on seeing more hits watching the NBC primetime lineup.

–

The defending Stanley Cup Champion Pittsburgh Penguins had a 2-1 and then a 3-2 series lead against the Montreal Canadiens, who were the worst team to make it into the NHL playoffs. And the Penguins ended up losing, with the final game a 5-2 loss at home. Wow. Normally embarrassing Pittsburgh is the job of the Pirates and Ben Roethlisberger.

–
Some are calling for a boycott of the Lakers-Suns games played in Phoenix, due to Arizona’s new immigration law.

And in Utah, Jazz fans are saying “See, we didn’t choke, we were just early adherents to the boycott.”
–

BP CEO Tony Hayward has admitted that regarding the oil spill “We made a few little mistakes early on.” Isn’t that like Tiger Woods admitting to a “little” adultery?

–
And another combo joke effort with Jerry Perisho, who noted “A Japanese company has introduced a bra that allows women to grow rice in the cups of the garment. Or, in Heidi Montag’s case, watermelons.”

Meanwhile, BP has asked Pamela Anderson if she would donate a bra to help cap the oil leaks.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Newer Entries »