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Let it be, whatever it was…

November 2, 2013

Paul McCartney, 71, says he and Yoko Ono, 80, have ended their feud. Which is either a sign of gracious maturity, or that they can’t remember why they disliked each other in the first place.

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Phrase I’d nominate for oblivion: “Keeping bowl hopes alive.” Right, because everyone plays football in hopes of that magical 6-6 season.

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Washington, D.C. is thinking of decriminalizing marijuana. Sounds good but there’s the danger of members of Congress smoking. Which might at least make them mellower but also lethargic and unable to accomplish anything… Oops, never mind.

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Ted Cruz says his father was just “making a joke” when he said President Obama should go “back to Chicago, back to Kenya” at an event last year. Maybe. Or maybe Cruz is afraid of birthers telling him he should “go back to Texas, back to Canada.”

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Despite videos surfacing that purport to show him smoking crack, Toronto mayor Rob Ford said again that he will not resign. At least until he figures out the steps to run next for mayor of Washington, D.C.

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Alabama had a bye week this Saturday. Which means the Crimson Tide has about as much a chance of losing as they do against their usual out-of-conference cupcakes.

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Apparently all 13 suspects arrested for credit card fraud at Barney’s stores this year were minorities: 10 black men, two black women, and an Asian woman. But one question, so how many white people may have committed credit card fraud, and weren’t arrested?

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While Cal made it within a touchdown in their 33-28 loss today to Arizona, the Bears, with only a win against Portland State, look poised to run the table to be 0 for the conference. On the other hand, Cal does look to be in the lead for the “Pac 12 team most likely to be offered $1 million to play Alabama.”

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The FCC is working on a proposal to require all NFL games to be shown in their teams’ home markets, even when the games don’t sell out. And football fans in Tampa and Jacksonville are crying – “Haven’t we suffered enough?”

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No woman no crime?

November 2, 2013

 

Another day, another high-profile shooting. For all the words that have been made PC recently, there seems to be little need to change “gunman” to “gunperson.”

 

 

We know very little about the LAX shooting. But a few things we know for sure. Many will call for more stringent gun laws. And the NRA will say that whatever the gun laws were, they would not have made a difference in this case. (And someone will no doubt claim this is a reason why air travelers should be armed…)

 

Allegedly the LAX suspect was carrying a note saying he wanted to “kill TSA and pigs.” So what will one likely result of his shooting be? More TSA and security hired at LAX.

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LAX Gunman is reportedly Paul Anthony Ciancia, 23. And a number of liberals are probably thinking “Whew, he’s not Muslim.” And some conservatives are probably thinking “Darn, he’s not Muslm.”

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And now back to the silly stuff…    Because even on bad days  there is always silly stuff.

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A man is suing the KC Royals because of injuries to his eye plus pain and suffering when he was struck by a 4 ounce foil-wrapped hot dog thrown into the stands by the team’s mascot. Time for some no-texting while watching baseball laws?

 

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Lots of hype for next week’s Thursday night NFL – “Adrian Peterson vs. RGIII.” Alas for the NFL Network, the two will be accompanied by their respective sucky football teams.

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Honey Boo Boo’s family apparently dressed up as the Kardashian family for Halloween. Does this even need a punchline?

 

Michael Jordan, who now owns the Charlotte Bobcats, said “I don’t believe” in having the team deliberately tank in order to rebuild by getting a top draft pick. Besides, since the Bobcats have been 62-168 the last 3 years, losing doesn’t seem to be working anyway.

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Jacksonville Jaguars WR Justin Blackmon has been suspended indefinitely for violating the NFL’s substance abuse policy. This could really put a damper on the 0-8 team’s season.

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The NY Yankees have signed Derek Jeter to a one-year, $12 million contract. Which is less expensive than it sounds, as the Captain’s health insurance will be covered by Medicare.

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A British Labour politician, unhappy with bipartisan good wishes from his colleagues on the occasion of Prince William’s christening, complained that “valuable Parliamentary time” had been taken up to “congratulate two very wealthy aristocrats for procreating”. The English were shocked – Parliament HAS valuable time?

 

Delta and JetBlue are the first airlines to allow e-readers from gate to gate following the FAA’s ruling yesterday. Of course, some passengers had already discovered a way to read without interruption on a plane – printed books.

 

The San Antonio Spurs beat the Los Angeles Lakers Friday night 91-85 in their first meeting of the season. Otherwise known as the AARP Classic.

 

Iowa LB Marcus Collins was dismissed from the team after a DUI arrest. While he was driving on a suspended or cancelled license, AND while he was already suspended from football for “undisclosed reasons.” Not sure what Collins is majoring in but guessing it’s not rocket science.

 

 

Police have uncovered a 1,760-foot drug smuggling ‘super tunnel’ from Tijuana to San Diego, which has power, vents and its own rail system. The tunnel was so elaborately well-crafted, maybe the states should plea-bargain with its architects to work on California’s proposed high speed rail?

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Morning after of the nearly dead.

October 31, 2013

Scariest thing for many of us on Halloween. No more MLB baseball games this season. But only 104 days until pitchers and catchers report.

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In Mexico, November 1 is known as “Day of the Dead.”    In the U.S., it’s “National Half-Price Candy Day.”

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All the talk about Halloween being such an unhealthy holiday because of kids going out to get and eat bags full of candy.  So what’s the most popular pre-Trick-or-treating meal in the U.S?’    Pizza

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Google says they are “outraged” by alleged NSA snooping. They say if anyone is snooping on their customers it should be Google themselves.

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Some people say we have children as an excuse to buy toys at Christmas/Hanukkah. Looking at pictures today I’d say there’s an equally good chance some people have children just to come up with adorable Halloween costumes.

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Hallmark has changed an “ugly sweater” Christmas ornament they were selling from saying “Don we now our gay apparel,” to “Don we now our fun apparel.” Reportedly due to consumer backlash. But was it homophobic backlash, or backlash from gays who said they would never be caught dead in an ugly sweater?

Image

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Dell Computers is admitting that some of its new laptops smell like a cat litter box. Are they sure it’s the machine and not the latest version of Windows.

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An NFL game ended Thursday night in overtime on a safety? That’s almost as unbelievable as a baseball game ending on an obstruction call.

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Kim Kardashian told Jay Leno her selfie in a skimpy swimsuit was her “big, like, middle finger to the world.” I thought the Kardashians themselves were a big middle finger to the world.,

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So the new FAA regulations say passengers will be able to use their cellphones on planes with the doors closed, but not for phone calls nor text or email. And of course all passengers will obey that directive….

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A number of media outlets are trying to make something out of the fact that Pamela Anderson cut her long blonde hair into a pixie cut. Perhaps they are oblivious to the fact that most men don’t pay attention to Pamela for her hair….?

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Now there’s medical marijuana for pets. So what’s the next product, cat and dog food flavored like Doritos?

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From T.C.  “Last night, the Red Sox won the World Series at home in Boston for the first time since 1918 vs the Cubs. Baseball fans were shocked, the Cubs were in a World Series?”

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From Bill Littlejohn   “O.J. Simpson can still vote in Florida while thousands of others can’t—-they’re hoping that some day he can find 2000’s ‘real voters'”

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It’s over.

October 30, 2013

Okay, congratulations to the Boston Red Sox. But I think I speak for mothers everywhere when I say “Can you shave now?

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Everyone’s happy in Boston tonight. Well, except scalpers who had game seven tickets.

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Will Tim McCarver’s next act be telling Americans how much more he knows about retirement than any of us?

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Although the Red Sox were World Series champions in 2004 and 2007, fans in Boston are talking about what a historic occasion this is because the team hasn’t won the Series clincher AT HOME since 1918. And Cubs fans are thinking “Just STFU.”

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Thinking if the Angels’ Mike Scioscia had pitched to Barry Bonds like the Cardinals’ Mike Matheny pitched to David Ortiz, the SF Giants would have a third trophy with little flags at A T & Park.

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The World Series beat MNF in the ratings. Which could be a sign that Americans really do consider baseball the national pastime. Or that most of us don’t give a damn about the Seahawks and Rams.

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Bob Barker is returning to the “Price is Right” for his 90th birthday. It will be like he never left. Especially for Bob himself, who probably won’t remember leaving.

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The Miami Dolphins had to fix their cheerleader web site yesterday because it was sending mobile users to a pornography site. Presumably they noticed the problem when traffic to the cheerleader site went up 1000%?

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London archaeologists just unearthed a Roman eagle statue that they believe dates from the 1st or 2nd century. Apparently the sculpture hasn’t been seen since it was featured on an early episode of “Larry King Live.”

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A Wisconsin man was arrested after coming home drunk from a Halloween Party and dangling a child upside down from an overpass. Presume he was dressed up as Michael Jackson?

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Kanye West, referring to Kim’s near-nude swimsuit selfie, “Michelle Obama cannot Instagram a pic like what my girl Instagrammed the other day.” “What an a**hole,” said most politicians on both sides of the aisle. “Uh, I’m willing to  chair the investigation of  this picture,” said Bill Clinton.

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The last funeral home in Palo Alto, California is closing tomorrow and the property has been bought by Yahoo’s Marissa Mayer. Insert Yahoo Mail joke here:

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A Fargo, N.D. woman named “Cheryl,” told a local radio station that when “fat” kids come by, instead of candy on Halloween she’ll hand out letters saying “Your child is, in my opinion, moderately obese and should not be consuming sugar and treats.” Why do I feel confident “Cheryl” is single?

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Apparently in Denver authorities dealing with legalized marijuana are grappling with some who are okay with the law, but object to the smell. So they are trying to regulate smoking in open areas. Maybe when Denver figures it out they can pass the same laws about perfume.

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Indifference

October 29, 2013

Tuesday is National Cat Day. And most cats are thinking, isn’t EVERY day National Cat Day?

 

Tuesday was also the NBA’s opening night. Which means we’re only 6-7 months from when the games start getting meaningful.

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For all those baseball fans who realize sadly that Wednesday could be the last MLB  game of the year, there’s a silver lining: It’s also the last time we have to listen to Tim McCarver.

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San Diego State played their third annual Halloween baseball game Sunday, with everyone on the field in costume. Big deal, say Cubs fans. For 100 years we’ve been watching guys dress up like professional baseball players.

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Ah that Lane Kiffin legacy. According to CBS Sports, USC is projected for a bowl this year. Except that it’s Dec. 21, the New Mexico Bowl, against San Jose State….

(Says my friend Gib Worley, Kiffin did less with a pack of Trojans than Sean Kemp.)

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Detroit Lions WR Nate Burleson, who broke his arm in a car accident caused by trying to save a pizza from sliding off the passenger seat, says he’s received a year’s free pizza from DiGiorno. Uh, except if Burleson has this much trouble driving with a pizza, do the Lions really want him messing with an oven?

 

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Jeb Bush made a speech last night where he decried “crony capitalism.” And we thought Abbott and Costello had a hard time keeping straight fares during “Who’s on first.”

 

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The Cardinals’ plane was stuck for hours  on the tarmac in St. Louis.    Has Will Middlebrooks been charged with obstruction?

 

Golden Gloves announced for baseball tonight. Not a single winner on the West Coast. So apparently MLB voters have as hard a time staying up to watch those 1030p East Coast games (or highlights) as the folks from ESPN.

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Following his latest arrest, Chris Brown has entered rehab. Must mean he’s serious. About avoiding prison.

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Johnny Manziel, asked who he’d most like to party with, first came up with… Charlie Sheen. Let’s see, time to open the pools. Date Manziel signs his first NFL contract? Date of his next arrest? Pick both and make it a daily double.

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Just as an aside to this whole NSA tapped cellphone mess, somewhere is George W. Bush thinking “oh, so that’s why Cheney told me Angela Merkel liked having her shoulders rubbed?”

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Currently dismissed Notre Dame QB Everett Golson in an SI interview. “I had poor judgment on a test It wasn’t due to poor grades or anything like that.” Asked “Did you cheat on a test?” “Yeah, something like that.” “SOMETHING” like that? Since Golson is planning to reapply in 2014 and play again, maybe he should figure that the rules might be a little more specific..

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The federal administrator in charge of the Obamacare site apologized today and said “HealthCare.gov can and will be fixed.” And wonder how many in the GOP said “Hmm, time to hire some (more?) hackers..”

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Fat lady singing?

October 27, 2013

The way these World Series endings are going,  the fat lady won’t sing, she’ll slip on a banana peel.

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So what will end tomorrow’s World Series game? A wild pitch, a balk, batting out of order?

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So did the #Cardinals and #RedSox sign a secret contract promising at least one brain freeze per #WorldSeries game?

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The theme of this year’s World Series? “It’s a simple game, you throw the ball you hit the ball, sometimes you catch the ball.”

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The NY Jets have had a few weeks without a quarterback circus. Break time is apparently over.

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Just how bad is the NFL Least? The 2-6 NY Giants are only two games out of first.

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So much for another BCS title game between two SEC teams. It’s not even November and the conference only has one undefeated team and two one-loss teams left. Wonder if they’ve asked the NCAA about starting the playoff system a year early.

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Chris Brown was arrested this morning for felony assault. So congratulations to all those who had October 27 in the pool.

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Well, for all those tired of discussing football’s “push” rule ad infinitum, now we can discuss baseball’s obstruction rule ad infinitum….

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A man was arrested yesterday at JFK Airport for checking three illegal weapons plus a loaded rifle in his luggage. On top of a fifth gun that was legal. Wonder if the airline refunded his baggage fee.

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How ugly are the Red Sox playoff beards? Parents of teenagers and college students may be so relieved their children aren’t emulating the players that their reaction to another way of standing out might be “Oh, it’s only a tattoo.”

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Dick Cheney is predicting his daughter Liz will unseat Mike Enzi, the sitting GOP Wyoming senator in next year’s primary. “The fact of the matter is, Washington is not going to elect the next senator from Wyoming, the people of Wyoming will elect the senator.” Interesting choice of words considering Liz Cheney just moved to Jackson Hole from a D.C. suburb last year.

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You have to hand it to him.

October 27, 2013

David Ortiz played  first base last night in the World Series So after the controversy about Jon Lester, this will make Big Papi the second Boston player with a possible foreign substance on his hand – his glove.

(wonder if he had to ask a clubhouse assistant, which hand?)

 

Wonder how often umpire Jim Joyce has thought he’s tired of mostly being known for the blown call in what have been Armando Galarraga’s perfect game. (At least last night wasn’t game 7. And this time the call was right.)

 

Facebook finally has a working edit function to fix typos in posts. Dyslexics and overly fast typists of the world are untied in happiness!

 

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Bill Sharman, 87, a Hall of Fame player with the Celtics and coach with the Lakers, passed away Friday. Less well known, however, is how much fun Sharman had playing youth pickup games with Greg Oden.

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Nick Saban has taken away seating privileges for some fraternities and other groups at Alabama’s Bryant-Denny stadium the students involved weren’t staying for the whole games. Season ticket holders are hoping the Los Angeles Dodgers don’t ever adopt this idea.

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Jeff Garcia, 43, says about potentially returning to the NFL, “there’s a fire that still burns.”. Is he sure that’s not heartburn or arthritis?

(my friend Jon N. suggests, “If it’s the burning that is driving the decision, he should try a full course of penicillin before making any serious choices.”)

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Joe Montana, on the 49ers moving to Santa Clara, complained now San Francisco “made a terrible effort” to keep the team in the city. Wonder why the legendary QB is speaking up now? I don’t suppose the fact that Montana himself has been unable to reach a deal with Santa Clara officials about building a hotel-restaurant next to the new stadium has anything to do with it.

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In a Big 12 matchup, Oklahoma handed Texas Tech their first loss. So have to figure Sooners fans got all kinds of bouquets from fans of 1-loss SEC teams?

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Roger Goodell says he wants NFL teams in both London and L.A. “but it doesn’t matter which one is first.” And London and L.A. are thinking “You take the Jaguars, no, after you, no, after you….”

 

Duke 13, Virginia Tech 10. And millions of sports fans around the U.S. are saying “So who cares about pre-season first quarter college basketball scores.”

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Ted Cruz said the country is “facing a new paradigm in politics and it is the paradigm of the rise of the grassroots which has Washington terrified.” Maybe, but if President Obama used the word “paradigm” FOX News etc would have immediately accused him of being elitist.

 

(and wonder how many Cruz supporters have any idea what he meant.)

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Darrell Wallace Jr. won a trucks race at Martinsville Speedway in Virginia, the first black driver in almost 50 years to win on NASCAR’s national level. Number one reaction – NASCAR has black drivers?l

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Friday Night No Lights ?

October 25, 2013

So tonight, no MLB postseason baseball, no NFL football. In other words, recent business as usual in Southern California.

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And so far, two very sloppy games. But then you can’t spell #WorldSeries without “E”s.

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In a recent interview, Brett Favre said ‘God only knows the toll’ (with his concussions) and admitted forgetting some details about his family life. Of course, there’s a name for people who forget that kind of detail. They’re called “men.”

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The GOP keeps attacking Obamacare. In part no doubt because they think Americans would be better off with the great Republican alternative healthcare reform plan that the party has put forward in great detail…. Oops, never mind.

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Cory Vaughn, a Mets minor leaguer currently playing for the Scottsdale Scorpions in the Arizona Fall League, is recovering after being bit in the leg by a scorpion. Good thing the kid doesn’t play for a team affiliated with the Detroit Tigers.

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Ted Cruz has railed against other members of Congress and staffers for accepting federal health insurance support. No doubt he’d prefer to pay his own way, except it turns out that Ted gets health insurance though his wife, who is an executive at Goldman Sachs….

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Kraft has recalled some of their cheese products after they changed color and showed signs of spoilage before their expiration date. Shocking !   Kraft actually created cheese products that had an expiration date?

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According to USA Today, U.S. Patent and Trademark Office received a registration application for the name “Washington Bravehearts” for the purpose of “Entertainment in the nature of football games.” The Redskins claim they have nothing to do with it. Makes sense, it’s the team’s long suffering fans who truly need to be bravehearted.

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The GOP chair of a North Carolina county precinct apparently was forced resign yesterday after an interview aired on the Daily Show where he defended tougher voter ID rules and said “if it hurts a bunch of lazy blacks who want the government to give them everything so be it.” Wonder if he had to resign for the racism or the stupidity .

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Now that pictures have surfaced of Doug Gansler’s hanging out at his son’s graduation party with underage drinkers, the Maryland attorney general (and gubernatorial candidate) is saying, several days later, that he made a mistake by not trying to stop the party. Uh, what he means is, he made a mistake by not realizing these days that EVERYTHING gets posted online.

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This is the same Gansler who made a public service commercial saying parents are the leading influence on their kids’ behavior when it comes to alcohol, noting, “It’s never too early to talk to your kids about smart ways to say, `No.”‘.   Uh and it’s also never too early to say “I made a mistake.”

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Rumors out of Tampa say the Buccaneers coach Greg Schiano may be fired before the end of the year. In Schiano’s favor, not sure who Tampa Bay could get instead willing to take over that mess.

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Ah yes, the private sector. United Airlines cancels a flight from SF to JFK tomorrow for “airport conditions.” Computer doesn’t rebook passengers. No options within several hours. Called them to negotiate Newark as an option. While talking to the agent, United puts in a new flight SF to JFK a few minutes after the cancelled flight. Still doesn’t rebook cancelled passengers on it. In fact, says the flight is sold out in the booked class. 15 minutes later supervisor gets it done manually. (So did the ACA designers use an airline website model?)

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Rule Britannia?

October 24, 2013

The NFL keeps increasing the number of games in London in hopes of basing a team there someday. Might not be as hard to get players to move to England as the league might think – the country would have free healthcare for all their children and baby mamas.

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Apparently after Sam Bradford’s season-ending injury, the St. Louis Rams reached out to… Brett Favre. But the 44-year-old said that he really is retired now. “Couldn’t you have given it one more chance?” said every comedy writer in the country?

 

Alabama coach Nick Saban is complaining that Crimson Tide fans are leaving at halftime. Maybe it would help if the team scheduled opponents who would keep the game competitive after the first quarter.

 

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What’s scarier? That the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are now 0-7? Or that they probably aren’t the worst NFL team in Florida?

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Former Oregon Ducks TE Colt Lyerla, who left the team Oct 6 for what he said were “personal reason”, was arrested last night for cocaine possession. When he quit, Lyerla said that he “would pursue an NFL career.” Sounds like he’s well on his way to being league ready.

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Cal’s current football player graduation rate last in the conference and last among all BCS schools. Gosh, who’d a thunk the Bears would be the Pac 12 team to beat SEC teams at something?

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Where’s a good tornado when you need one? The Westboro Baptist Church plans to picket the World Series because Americans “worship the false idol of baseball.” Silly silly hateful bigots. Most Americans do not worship baseball. They worship football.

 

Apparently a breathalyzer test is being developed that will catch stoned drivers, as opposed to those might have just smoked the day before. Of course, it might be cheaper to just hold up a bag of Doritos, and see if the suspect snatches it from the officer’s hand.

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Why do I have a feeling this may be one of the understatements of the year. After Spirit Airlines delayed flights up to 12 hours for engine inspections, an airport spokesman said “there were several dozen people in Terminal 4 overnight. There were no arrests. Some did lose their tempers, but it was all worked out amicably.”

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Hope game 2 of the World Series is more competitive. The way they played last night the St. Louis Cardinals won’t be able plausibly to sell “game-used” gloves.

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A STL minor league pitcher accused Boston pitcher Jon Lester of doctoring the ball, and pictures do show something in Lester’s glove, though the Cardinals never complained during the game. But come on, the Red Sox cheating? Just who would they have to think they are? The Patriots?

The average postseason baseball game has gone 3 hrs & 22 min. And fans of #Yankees #Redsox games are thinking, how do they play that fast?

 

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This Carlos Beltran is a pretty tough dude. If he were healthy all the way through 2011, would the SF Giants be sitting on a “three-peat?”

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Just maybe it is not a good idea to throw strikes to David Ortiz with runners on base in this postseason?

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For those who think I only pick on the SEC, Oregon and USC, this gem is from ASU via a friend ‘

“”I don’t know what that word is man. Arizona St. education, bro’. Break that one down for me.” Dustin Pedroia

What’s that? Oh, the word that confused him was “validity”.

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A couple was fined $250 each for having oral sex on a flight from Medford to Las Vegas. No word on how much the airline charged passengers for an entertainment fee.

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From BIll Littlejohn:

Marlins President David Samson predicts that his team will be playing October baseball next year.Boy, those Arizona Winter Leagues are starting earlier and earlier”
 

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World not so Serious?

October 23, 2013

If the Boston Red Sox win the World Series will their MVP turn out to be the most famous beard since Katie Holmes?

 

Are the Cardinals trying to vie with the SF 49ers this week in appealing to British fans who normally follow soccer? This might explain the “no hands” defense.

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#SFGiants in the news: Team re-signs Lincecum and Kanye proposes to Kim at A T & T. Wonder which relationship will last longer.

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The World Series is supposed to be the best two teams in baseball playing each other? Tonight looks more like the baseball equivalent of one of those great SEC-cupcake matchups.

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And somewhere scattered across the U.S. Pirates and Dodgers players watched WS game 1, and thought “How the bleep did we lose to these guys?”

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Many Americans profess complete disinterest in the christening of Prince George, because they can’t imagine caring about someone who will only rule due to an accident of birth. They’d much prefer to speculate over whether Jeb Bush might run in 2016 against Hillary Clinton.

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The SF Giants aren’t saying exactly how much Kanye West paid to rent A T and T Park for his proposal. I’m just wondering, how many celebrity proposals and weddings will it take to pay for a power hitting left fielder?

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The NBA owners has decided to change their playoff Finals format from 2-3-2 to 2-2-1-1-1, with an extra day off between Games 6 and 7. Another small step on the way to making the Finals “The Summer Classic.”

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The Cleveland Browns are the latest NFL team to bench their starting QB for poor performance. And several others are barely hanging on. Starting to think maybe God really wants to see the return of Tim Tebow.

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You can’t make this “stuff” up dept: Three elementary children were treated for minor injuries sustained during a school safety demonstration in Southern California – the injuries apparently resulted from a panic when a police officer’s gun discharged.

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McDonald’s is rebranding ther “Dollar Menu” to the “Dollar Menu & More” items at $1, $2 and up to $5. Guess the chain is hoping Americans are as good at math as they are at making healthy food choices.

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Oops. A University of Iowa math T.A.meant to email students some math problem answers, but instead accidentally sent nude photos of herself and her boyfriend. Once again prompting millions of men to ask “where were these teachers when I was in college?”

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From Gary M.  “Apparently Kanye West proposed to Kim Kardashian Monday night at A T and T Park.  One of the few ‘locals’ to score at AT&T this year.

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Doh – ritos

October 22, 2013

A new Gallup poll says 58% of Americans now support legalizing marijuana, the highest percentage ever. And no doubt that doesn’t count another 5-10% who responded, “uh, sure, maybe, I don’t know, what was that question again, man?

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n an effort to combat drug-trafficking, Uruguay will start selling legal marijuana for $1 a gram. In related news, expect travel agents soon to report a huge surge in vacation requests for Montevideo.

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Why punctuation and careful typing matters, sports version. A fan purchased a World Series ticket on Stubhub for $3.00 (plus a $3 service fee). After the seller apparently left out a comma and/or a couple zeros.

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Temperatures in Boston are supposed to dip down to near freezing Wednesday night for the opening of the World Series. Guess that’s why they call it the “Winter Classic.”

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The NFL continues their Europe marketing plan with SF-Jacksonsville in London this weekend. And the Brits are thinking “Okay, thanks for sending the 49ers over, don’t we get a second professional team?”

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Apparently Kanye West proposed to Kim Kardashian Monday night at A T and T Park. So SF fans, yes, the park has finally seen something scarier than the 2013 Giants’ hitting with runners in scoring position….

(alternate punchline “scarier than Brian Wilson in a Dodgers uniform.”    Other suggestions encouraged.)

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Tim Lincecum signed a new contract with the SF Giants for two years, $35 million. Guess we know a reason why they were willing to take Kanye West’s money.

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John McCain is thinking of running for re-election to the Senate in 2016, when he will be 80. And Hillary Clinton is thrilled- McCain will make her look young and vigorous!

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Why men should not do wedding planning. A British groom was sentenced to a year in jail after he admitted to calling in a bomb hoax for St. George’s Hall in Liverpool. He was trying to cover up the fact he had forgotten to book the hall for his own wedding…..

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Apparently the NY Jets knew the Patriots might try the illegal pushing play during field goals, and alerted the refs to watch for it. And the Sunday before, the Patriots had allegedly tried it against New Orleans, whose defensive coordinator is… Rob Ryan. Oh brother.

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Regarding the Obamacare website and the idea that it would be up and running without bugs on schedule: these folks may know how to reform healthcare, but they sure don’t know software engineers.

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Despite polls showing the voters overwhelmingly blaming the GOP for the government shutdown, Ted Cruz said he’ll try to do it again in January. At this rate the Texas senator stands to get a lot of donations – from Democrats.

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Just proving that when it comes to crazy, your state may matter more than your political party. Democratic congressman Alan Grayson, who is white, sent a fundraising email which equated the Tea Party to the Ku Klux Klan, and had a burning cross for the letter “T.” Yes, he’s from Florida.

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Truth from Jim Barach:  A poll says that nearly half of all Americans say that everyone in Congress should be replaced. All that needs to happen is for those people to tell that to the quarter of Americans who actually vote in congressional elections.

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Not so high hopes?

October 10, 2013

Talk about a culture of diminished expectations. The Dow rose over 300 points today over a GOP proposal for a temporary debt ceiling raise, which would keep the government shut down. It’s like dropping the insurance rates on a wild teenage party, because one or two adults might have shown up.

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So wonder if the #OaklandAthletics have invited the #DetroitTigers to jump in their stadium sewage?

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The rumors of Justin Verlander’s pitching demise have been greatly exaggerated.

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As Sonny Gray took the mound for Oakland tonight, A’s fans were thinking “Madison Bumgarner.” Tigers fans were thinking “Salomon Torres.”

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Big money ball thought of the day: You could add the payrolls of the Detroit Tigers and Oakland As together, and still be about $30 million less than the LA Dodgers…

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Wild times in Provo. Apparently Coke Zero, which is forbidden along with other caffeinated beverages at Mormon-owned BYU, was accidentally stocked in a campus vending machine, and according to the Salt Lake Tribune “immediately caused a run on the machine.” Just imagine the profit potential for smuggling Starbucks….

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SF 49ers’ LB Aldon Smith was charged with 3 felony counts of illegal possession of an assault weapon yesterday. The guns in question are legal in some states, but not California. Considering the variation in state laws, free agency rules, and some players’ mindsets, you’d think Florida and Arizona would have better football teams….

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From T.C.  “In honor of QB Matt Schaub, A Houston pizza joint has a item called “Pick 6″ toppings. It’s pickup only as the owner figures deliveries could be intercepted.”

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The service academies will be able to continue playing football and other sports through the end of October, despite the government shutdown. Well, with our country’s priorities so in order, sounds like things will be resolved by Nov 1.

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Actor James Woods told a Twitter follower “‘I don’t expect to work again” after he criticized President-Obama over the government shutdown. Responded most Americans “Who’s James Woods?”

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The Democrats and Republicans are often going to disagree. And laws will be passed in future that one or another party does not like. So to those who are cheering Boehner’s shutdown strategy, assume you have no problem with Democrats doing it in future when THEY strongly believe a law is dangerous to our country? #thenewnormal

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A friend of a friend is against Obamacare because of the “tyranny of forcing people to buy something from a private company.” So what’s the next government shutdown going to be over? Car insurance?

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The Jonas Brothers canceled their planned concert tour because of “a deep rift within the band.” And in a display of bipartisan unity, both GOP and Democratic parents who had promised to take their pre-teens to the shows, said “Now, there’s a shutdown we can get behind.”

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Saddest thing about a sad Glee episode, the disclaimer during the credits “The events and characters depicted in this motion picture are fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, or to actual events, is purely coincidental.” Tonight, wish that that were true. #Rememberingcory

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Games people play

October 5, 2013

Now John Boehner is urging President Obama to negotiate on the shutdown, saying “This is not some damn game.” Well, if it’s not some damn game, why doesn’t the Speaker simply call a damn vote.

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Apparently the elevators at O.co Coliseum have already had issues. Everyone has fingers crossed for the plumbing. When they talk about if Oakland can make it to game 5 or 7 in a series, they may really mean whether the stadium will hold up that long.

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If you don’t have a NL team to root for to get to the World Series, may I suggest Pittsburgh. Not only are the Pirates the underdogs, but they have a fun young team, a beautiful stadium, and oh yeah, it will drive ratings-hungry Fox television executives crazy.

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Dusty Baker was fired by the Reds when Cincinnati once again failed to make it out of the first round, in their third playoff appearance in the last four years. Three in the last four years. Somewhere Cubs fans are just weeping.

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The Atlanta Braves didn’t even sell out their playoff game Thursday night. Maybe to increase attendance they should play during the halftime of a University of Georgia football game?

 

This Max Scherzer guy is pretty good. Maybe if ESPN and FOX hadn’t been so focused on Yankees-Red Sox more Americans might care about the ALDS because they would have seen the Tigers, and for that matter the As, play several games.

 

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LA Dodgers hit into so many double plays Friday night; if it weren’t for the color of their uniforms fans might think they are watching the 2013 SF Giants.

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Alex Rodriguez is now suing Bud Selig. Any way they can both lose? #douchebags

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A-Rod says in his lawsuit that ‘MLB is trying to destroy me.” Methinks the Yankees slugger is doing a pretty good job of that by himself.

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Friday night, Alex Rodriguez filed his second lawsuit of the day. This time against the Yankees team doctor and the hospital for misdiagnosing his left hip injury during the 2012 playoffs. Shame A-Rod’s lawyers can’t file a lawsuit against the guy in his mirror.

 

Jesse Ventura said on CNN’s Crossfire tonight that he might run for President in 2016. Even Donald Trump is thinking “You’re delusional.”

 

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Another thought on the GOP government shutdown “Kamikaze missions rarely turn out well, least of all for the pilots.” From the editorial pages of that commie pinko rag, the Wall Street Journal.

 

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Penn Gov. Tom Corbett, asked about his lawyers’ statement comparing legalizing gay marriage to legalizing marriage for children “It was an inappropriate analogy. I think a much better analogy would have been brother and sister.” So what is Corbett doing? Trying to divert media attention from the crazies in Congress?

 

 

 

Let them eat cake, after they put in on layaway first?   Nebraska GOP Rep. Lee Terry on still accepting his salary during the shutdown: “Dang straight. I’ve got a nice house and a kid in college, and I’ll tell you we cannot handle it. Giving our paycheck away when you still worked and earned it? That’s just not going to fly.”

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Shutting it down

September 30, 2013

Shouldn’t Congress have learned from the Nationals and Strasburg? Shutdowns just don’t do Washington any good in the long run. #shutdown

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Maybe to fix the situation, we should put the Redskins’ defense in charge. They can’t shut down anyone.

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Who says there’s no bipartisan spirit in D.C. ?    Why tonight I hear that President Barack Obama offered to send Walter White over to the House to bring the GOP some Stevia for their Tea Party.

–You have to love how #Congress says they themselves are “essential government employees” with a straight face. #shutdown

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Things are heating up a bit in D.C.   One Congressman referring to GOP members who want to shut down the government:   “Lemmings with suicide vests. They have to be more than just a lemming. Because jumping to your death is not enough.” Oh, and this commie-pinko rep? . Devin Nunes, a Republican from California.

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Last night on AMC, millions of Americans tuned in for the dramatic final of “Breaking Bad.”  Now, with the government shutdown, we can all turn to C-Span, and watch “Lawmaking Bad.”

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The Chicago #Cubs have fired manager Dale Sveum. No word on a replacement yet. But no job comes with lower expectations.

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Former star RB Earl Campbell has joined those calling for the firing of Texas football coach Mack Brown. Well, Lane Kiffin is available….

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Asked about benching Geno Smith, NY Jets coach Rex Ryan replied, “It’s not a thought at this point right now.” Mainly because he can’t think of an alternative.

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So what time is the SF Giants game tonight?   Sigh.   A. Bartlett Giamatti was right. “It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart….”

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In the face of a world-wide boycott, Guido Barilla, CEO of Barilla pasta, is backtracking on his anti-gay remarks of last week and is trying to apologize. Always fun to see “family values” take a back seat to profit values.

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USC athletic director Pat Haden says he will keep the search for a new football coach private. Makes sense. Most candidates probably don’t want their current teams to know they are crazy enough to consider the Trojan mess.

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This just in. NY Giants Antrel Rolle safety says “I believe we can go 12-0 from this point on. People can look at me like I’m crazy….” Forget crazy, isn’t Rolle worried about prompting the NFL to test him for drugs

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Okay, it’s early days. But would a Saints-Broncos game be the classiest QB Super Bowl match-up in history?

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Lane, if only we barely knew ye…?

September 29, 2013

First Anthony Weiner, now Lane Kiffin. These are challenging times for comedy writers……

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USC announced early this morning that Kiffin had been “relieved of his duties.”  Of course, the school could have just said they made a “Lane change.”

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So wonder who’ll have a job again in football first? #LaneKiffin or #TimTebow?

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Much speculation on a replacement for Lane Kiffin at USC. It’s early days, but have to figure Chip Kelly might already be getting a bit nostalgic for the Pac 12….

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So who’s going to do the retrospective of the Kiffin years at USC? The Stanford Band has already volunteered for the task.

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Lane Kiffin was to college coaching what Tim Tebow is to pro quarterbacking. Well, without the charm, humility, and the miraculous ability to win a game now and then.

 

Pat Haden in July 2013: “I anticipate the media will ask me if our football coach is on the hot seat this year “Here is my answer and will be my answer whenever I’m asked: He is not. I’m behind Lane Kiffin 100 percent. I have great confidence in him. He’s a very hard-working, detail-oriented coach. He’s a dynamic playcaller, in my estimation, and he’s an exceptional recruiter. He knows USC and he knows what it takes to be successful here.”

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One bench of three seats on a crowded light rail train labeled “reserved for senior citizens and persons with disabilities.”. Three 20 something young women run and grab the seats. All blondes. No comment.

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Mitt Romney says now that a main reason he lost last November is that the Hispanic community didn’t understand his immigration stance well enough. Or maybe they understood it too well.

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Former Cleveland Browns QB Bernie Kosar was arrested for alleged DUI in Cleveland. Was Kosar trying to prove he still belongs on an active NFL roster.

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WTF is going on Pittsburgh? The #Pirates are still alive and the #Steelers are dead.

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Heard on the SF Giants radio broadcast – “a bases loaded grand slam.”. Well, it’s been a long season for everyone.

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72, 71, 84. MPH for Barry Zito’s pitches in a swinging strikeout of Kotsay for Zito’s last time on mound in SF Giants uniform. #rallyzito.

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Could have been worse. A fun way to end the season with a walkoff win for #SFGiants. #Firsttotiedforthird

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So if the Rangers or Rays somehow win the World Series, there will be how many champagne celebrations? One when they got into the wild card playoff, one if they win the wild card playoff, one for the ALDS, one for the ALCS, and one for the World Series. “You’ve just won the World Series, what are you going to do?” “I’m going to rehab.”

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If a government shutdown means furloughing all non-essential employees, what possible excuse can there be for not furloughing Congress?

Dallas 2-2, Philadelphia and Washington, 1-3, and NY 0-4. Is it too soon to rename the division the “NFC Least?”

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Where have all the WSU fans gone?

September 29, 2013

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Stanford 55-, Washington State 17.   CenturyLink Field doesn’t seem nearly as noisy as when the 49ers played the Seahawks. #Cardinalrules

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Wonder if after tonight Jim Harbaugh will call David Shaw for advice how how to play in Seattle?

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Maybe NCAA will eliminate sanctions on USC if Trojans extend Lane Kiffin’s contract. #mercyrule

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Radio host Paul Finebaum called Lane Kiffin the “Miley Cyrus of college football.” He has a point. Under Kiffin’s leadership, USC football is childish, unwatchable and devoid of original moves.

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The Texas Rangers’ six game win streak to keep them alive in the wild card chase would be more impressive if they hadn’t sucked enough the rest of the month to fritter away an almost guaranteed playoff spot.

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Notre Dame has lost twice already this season. Irish eyes are not smiling. But everyone else’s are.

 

 

Bummer. Former Detroit Tiger, Gates Brown has passed away at the age of 74. One of my favorite baseball stories ever is from 1968 when Manager Mayo Smith unexpectedly called him to pinch hit. Gates had just grabbed two hot dogs, and didn’t want to waste them, so he stuffed them into his jersey. Then Brown hit a ball he stretched into a double, slid into second base and came up with hot dog and mustard all over his uniform.

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SF Giants have signed Hunter Pence for 5 years, $90 million. I guess he will be able to feed his family.

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A pastor was shot and killed while preaching today in Louisiana. The saddest thing, he wasn’t from the Westboro Baptist Church.

 

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From an anonymous friend;  “Let’s arm all the uninsured people, then let them work out a “market-based solution”. #GOPcare

BYU WR Cody Hoffman was suspended last night for “violating a team rule.” What, did he drink a cup of coffee or something?

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Not sure what a government shutdown does and doesn’t affect. But if the Tea Parties are serious about saving taxpayer money, assume they will voluntarily forgo their own salaries and healthcare for the duration?

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Stay classy, GOP. As the House tries again to shutdown the U.S. government with a bill to defund Obamacare here’s Rep. John Culberson of Texas, displaying his enthusiasm – “I said, like 9/11, ‘Let’s roll!’”

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What matters most?

September 28, 2013

 

The NFL has fined Cam Newton $10k for using unapproved Under Armour visor clips (with the logo blacked out) on his helmet. The league only found out when a Forbes.com article Tuesday showed pictures of the helmet with the clips. Good to see that with all these arrests and concussions the NFL still finds time for what’s really important.

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Okay, I’m no Trojan fan, but… USC’s appeal for reduced football sanctions was denied, after the NCAA did reduce sanctions for Penn State And the NCAA’s statement “There is no comparison between USC and Penn State.” Uh, yeah, right, in one case pkayers got some free stuff and money, and in the other young boys were molested for years. No comparison at all.

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It’s a shame Mariano Rivera’s last time pitching at Yankee Stadium was in the 9th inning. Had they done his farewell on the mound before they cut off alcohol in the 7th, maybe Mo could have turned water into beer on the way out?

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Stay classy, folks. While Kaepernick and Gore were doing postgame TV interviews in St. Louis on TNF, 49ers fans behind the cameras were heard shouting “Seahawks suck! Seahawks suck!” Who do they think they are, Raiders fans?

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Barack Obama said today he spoke by phone with Hassan Rouhani. These are strange times when the President of Iran may be more open to reasonable negotiation than the Speaker of the House.

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Bill Clinton said he really doesn’t know if Hillary will run for President. Really? As if people might believe in that marriage that one spouse might not know everything the other is doing….

 

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Groupon sent out a list of their most popular deals. One is 50% off on-line traffic school. Presumably for those who read about Groupon deals on their phones while driving?

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Lebron James is going to give a pregame pep talk for Ohio State players before they play Wisconsin on Saturday. Wonder if the talk will include “And if you play really well, you can end up with an NFL team and move to Florida.”

 

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Nicki Minaj told Ellen Degeneres she would “NEVER go back to American Idol.” “What a shame,” said absolutely no one.

 

Sens. Ted Cruz and Mike Lee spoke on the chamber floor again today against Obama. Zero GOP senators showed up. These two are so unwatchable they should be on NBC’s primetime schedule.

 

–Miami Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria fired his President of baseball operations Larry Beinfest after 12 years. Beinfest was reportedly muttering as he cleaned out his office “Free at last, free at last…”.

 

From T.C. As each week passes, we get closer to the day when Johnny Manziel signs his autograph for real money. Too bad it will be on a contract with the Jaguars or Browns.

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Jacksonville Jaguars are offering free beer to fans who buy tickets. The way the team is playing, shouldn’t they be offering something harder?

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Minnesota Vikings and Pittsburgh Steelers are in London preparing for their Sunday matchup. A lot of disadvantages for NFL players having to go overseas for a game. On the other hand, British police may not send Americans their arrest records.

 

 

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Our Cup runneth over.

September 26, 2013

Way over, this thing was supposed to be done a week ago….

Oracle Team USA has won the America’s Cup. In rowing, the winning team tosses the coxswain in the water. Any way Team USA can toss Larry Ellison in the bay?

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But really, leave it to Larry Ellison to engender the maximum hate at all times. As Oracle Team USA came back to set up a single final race for the America’s Cup, there were ZERO hotel rooms anywhere near San Francisco, because of… Oracle World.

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New Zealand has to be wondering what happened.  Are we sure that last week they didn’t add to their team a nice new sailor named Buckner?

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Another thing about Oracle Team USA America’s Cup win today. Finally, someone has won one for our country’s poor downtrodden billionaires.

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The Yankees have been officially eliminated from the 2013 postseason race. “Bummer,” said almost nobody outside New York and/or ESPN.

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The FBI is now saying the Navy Yard shooter was “delusional.” What was their first clue?

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The U.S. Senate just voted 100-0 to move ahead with a bill to keep the government running through Nov. 15. 100-0? Did Ted Cruz decide he likes Green Eggs & Ham.    (Thank you, thank you, Uncle Sam I Am?)

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Ted Cruz spoke against Obamacare for 22 hours, but he took breaks of up to an hour. Wendy Davis spoke against closing women’s clinics in Texas for 13 hours, with NO breaks. ZERO. Not even bathroom breaks. Weaker sex, my a**.

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Maybe someone should warn #TedCruz that “The Lorax” is not an ode to development.

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Barry Zito’s last start as an Giant in SF not quite the same as Mariano Rivera day at Yankee Stadium. But how many teams who’ve lost in the postseason wish they had someone perform like Zito did in 2012. Remember #Rallyzito

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And hey so possibly denying LA home field advantage in the playoffs is a bit of a come down from a World Series title… But hey, SF Giants fans have learned to enjoy the little things.

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The Post Office is seeking a 3 cent increase in the price of stamps. Assume they announced their plan on Facebook and Twitter.

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The Tampa Bay Rays, who will probably make the playoffs, are dead last in attendance, with 18,646 average per game, and the team owner has been quoted as saying “For some reason, people are choosing not to come out as they do in other parts of the country for Major League Baseball.” Apparently he hasn’t spent any time in the stadium either.

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Terrellle Pryor was apparently told to stop tweeting after he posted “I don’t remember much! Good hit by whoever it was. I heard our team fought well … We will be back!” The NFL really doesn’t want players tweeting with possible concussions, although actually concussions might explain many idiot tweets…

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In a trial over an alleged assault at Aldon Smith’s party last year, the prosecutor said the 49ers LB was stabbed after he used a .45 caliber handgun to fire a warning shot that he hoped would force guests to leave. Wonder if someone has told Smith,  to declare the party over, it’s simpler to turn out the lights or shut down the bar.

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Cover stories

September 24, 2013

 “Rolling Stone” magazine has Miley Cyrus on the cover. Guess they figured there were still people they didn’t manage to offend with the Boston Bomber cover?

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The Detroit Lions’ Nate Burleson was injured in a single car accident reportedly caused by him reaching down to pick up a pizza that fell off the front seat. So in addition to the NFL’s trying to get players not to drink and drive, will the league now request that they have pizza DELIVERED?

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With this new two wild card system teams can be out of the MLB playoffs before the screen printing is dry on the postseason t-shirts.

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Burger King announced they have come up with new french fries containing 40% less fat and 30 % fewer calories. The better, no doubt, to be sold in “Super-sized” portions.

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–The Houston Astros game had a 0.00 Nielsen rating locally during a loss to the Indians. Actually there might have been a few fans tuned in, but at this point they probably turn off their meters to avoid the shame of it all.

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Mets were eliminated weeks ago, Yankees will be eliminated as early as tomorrow, and the Giants are 0-3. So the best team in New York right now is… the Jets?

President Obama indicated willingness at least to consider talking with Iran, “The roadblocks may prove to be too great, but I firmly believe the diplomatic path must be tested.” Suppose that hoping the GOP wishes him and John Kerry success is only slightly less likely than hoping the Cubs win next year’s World Series.

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After being down 8-1, Team USA has come back to tie the America’s Cup at 8-8, with one winner-take-all race remaining. If New Zealand does lose the Cup, they will at least be named honorary Chicago Cubs.

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The Nationals have been officially eliminated from any possible postseason berth in 2013. Washington fans must be thrilled they shut down Stephen Strasburg last year for this.

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The $400 million Powerball jackpot was apparently won by a South Carolina man who stopped in the store when his wife told him to buy hot dog buns. He couldn’t find the buns so on a whim bought $20 in lottery tickets. I can see it now with thousands of men: “Honey, of course I didn’t forget what you asked me to get, I was trying to make us rich.”

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So looks like the Texas Rangers’ season will come down to the wire- will they break their fans hearts and just miss the playoffs, or break their hearts later in the playoffs?

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The party (bus) is over…?

September 23, 2013

It’s only September, and we may have the NFL injury of the year: Ravens WR Jacoby Jones, already rehabbing a knee injury, was hurt Sunday night when he was hit over the head on a party bus by a stripper wielding a champagne bottle

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Phil Jackson’s fiancee Jeannie Buss just wrote that she felt the hiring of Mike D’Antoni as head coach last year was “a betrayal.””Phil wasn’t looking for the job, and then he wasted 36 hours of his life preparing for it when they were never in a million years going to hire him anyway.” “Wasted 36 hours of his life?” The horror. Most people have done that on a random weekend.-

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Costa Concordia captain Francesco Schettino’s trial has begun. And Italian authorities confirmed that they have revoked his Schettino’s maritime navigational license, so he will never again be able to captain a ship. Bummer for all those cruise companies who were lined up to offer him a job at this point…

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President Obama says he finally gave up smoking because he said he  was “scared of my wife.” Wow.. If that worked for all vices Bill Clinton might never have done anything to get himself impeached.

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Sarah Palin is now saying that Hillary Clinton is “ill-suited” to being president. Some statements are their own punchlines.

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Do these online sites have no one to monitor headlines? The NY Post has a big headline on the Kenya mall massacre. Alongside their #1 story “Giants slaughtered by Panthers.”

 

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How tangled is this baseball web Bud Selig has woven become? If the Reds and Pirates finished tied, do they have a one-game playoff to decide who gets home field advantage in the one-game playoff?

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From my friend Jim Barach:   A Hollywood studio is charging $349 to prepare dogs that qualify as cabin pets for a safe and calm airline flight. Now if someone could only do the same with Alec Baldwin.

(personally, think the program would be useful for a lot of humans.)

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Depressing thought, The A’s play in a decrepit mess of a stadium. But if the Rays and Indians make the postseason, Oakland will be the playoff team with only the third worst attendance.

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Ted Cruz is quoted in GQ saying that conservatives were “embarrassed” to vote for president in 2008. And no doubt McCain thinks the same about Texas Republicans voting for Senate in 2012.

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“Saturday Night Live” became the series with the most Emmys ever, picking up its 40th last night for directly. “Shocking” thought many Americans “SNL is still on the air?”

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Leaving aside whether you believe or don’t believe in Obamacare, a simple question. Do we REALLY want to create a system where if one party doesn’t like what the President and Congress (and the Supreme Court) have done, they shut the government down? And someday, it’s going to be the Democrats in the reverse position.

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