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Not so great debate?

December 9, 2011

Rick Perry became the latest GOP presidential contender to opt out of Trump’s debate. Had he stayed in, the Donald would have had three confirmed candidates. And three is not a number Perry feels comfortable with.

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The only candidates confirmed for the Trump debate are Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich.

Of course, most people think that in the big picture Gingrich is really taking on Mitt Romney. And given Newt’s history of “flexibility” on his positions, maybe Gingrich can use the time to debate himself.

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Trump’s debate is scheduled for December 27. At this point it may end up as eagerly anticipated as the Clippers’ season opener.

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In honor, or maybe I should say “dishonor” of former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, Spirit Airlines is having a “seat selling” sale, of $14 one-way fares from Chicago to seven cities. Of course what they don’t say, if you take advantage of their “seat-selling” you may end up feeling somewhat “confined.”

(Of course, if they really wanted to emulate Blagojevich, maybe Spirit should be trying to sell the same seat to several different people.)

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Kris Humphries will be baking cookies Friday morning on “Good Morning, America.” Wonder how long it will take one of the Kardashians to say it’s all about self-promotion?

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Newt Gingrich’s sister has backed President Obama for re-election. Nice timing, just after any potential family Thanksgiving dinners.

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Jerry Sandusky’s wife just said that her husband is innocent of the all child sex abuse allegations against him and that all his accusers are making up their stories. Proving once again, Denial is not just a river in Egypt.

(my friend Jim McCann asks “How long would Jerry pause when asked, “Are you still attracted to your wife?”)

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People Magazine is reporting that Michelle Duggar has miscarried her 20th child. Sounds like even God is saying “ENOUGH ALREADY!”

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The Duggars are enough to make even Tim Tebow consider an ad for Planned Parenthood.

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Something no one thought we would hear on sports talk radio in 2011 – discussions of whether the 49ers should rest Alex Smith to keep him healthy and in good shape for the playoffs.

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New Democratic ad: “We’re going to close the unproductive tax loopholes that have allowed some of the truly wealthy to avoid paying their fair share. They sometimes made it possible for millionaires to pay nothing, while a bus driver was paying 10% of his salary – and that’s crazy. Do you think the millionaire ought to pay more in taxes than the bus driver?” Quoting that noted liberal Ronald Reagan.

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Albert Pujols had indicated he liked St. Louis, but might want to be closer to his family in the Dominican Republic. Guess the Angels gave him 254 million good reasons to try California.

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Now that Pujols has signed for $254 million, wonder how Angels pitcher Jared Weaver feels about having given the team that “hometown discount” of a five year $85 million contract.

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Rumors that the Rangers now may go after Prince Fielder in response to the Angels’ signing of Albert Pujols. This could end up being a good off-season for the Cubs after all.

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Apparently Barack has remembered where he put his cajones. Republican candidates Bachmann, Gingrich, Santorum and Romney accused him in a forum Wednesday of being engaged in a foreign policy of “appeasement.” The President’s response -“Ask Osama bin Laden.

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Bowl weak?

December 8, 2011

ESPN is running advertisements for “Capitol One Bowl Week: December 17 – January 2. Wonder which SEC graduate came up with that one?

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And they wonder why football players are bad at math.

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From my comedy writer friend Jerry Perisho: “I’d love to hear the voice message Alec Baldwin left on American Airlines’ answering machine.”

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Nice to see Newt Gingrich surging to the front of the GOP pack. Since Newt already helped one Democratic President get re-elected.

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Arizona State apparently had an agreement with June Jones to take over as their head football coach, but for some unknown reason pulled the offer. That was a quick relationship. Who is negotiating for ASU, one of the Kardashians?

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Jerry Sandusky has been arrested again on new molestation charges. And because he was unable to post bail the former Penn State coach was taken to jail. “What a shame,” said absolutely, positively nobody.

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Rod Blagojevich was sentenced today to 14 years in prison. The disgraced former Governor quoted Kipling, that this was a time “to be strong and fight through adversity.” Too bad Blago forgot this other Kipling quote: “You haf too much Ego in your Cosmos”

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Rod Blagojevich is the fourth Illinois governor in the last four decades, and the second in a row, to end up in prison. Scoffed Louisiana politicians – “Amateurs.”

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So will they start swearing in governors in Illinois by saying “Will the defendant please rise?”

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Not sure Rod Blagojevich gets it. The judge threw the book at him. And the former Illinois governor caught the book and tried to sell it on Ebay.

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Now that Bobby Valentine is managing the Red Sox, Terry Francona has taken his place as an ESPN baseball analyst. Wonder how long it will take Francona to start complaining about the slow pace of Boston pitchers.

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Orlando Magic CEO Bob Vander Weide is trying to clear up rumors that he may have “drunk dialed” Dwight Howard, saying he only had “two to three glasses of wine over a three-hour period after a social event and that he wanted to return text and phone messages Howard had left for him.” Hmm, wonder if the phrase “I love you, man” was involved.

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ESPN is actually doing a “Game Day” type setup with regular broadcasts directly from the baseball winter meetings. Well, it’s still more compelling than what would have been NBA regular season games.

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The Marlins have dropped out. But the Cardinals, Cubs and other other unnamed team apparently keep upping their offers to Albert Pujols; the slugger will get well over $200 million for 10 years. Pujols is taking his time deciding. But once he signs, it won’t take long for Albert to pronounce – “It’s not about the money.”

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Oops. A cannonball fired as part of an episode of the “Mythbusters” television show missed its mark and hit a Dublin home and a car Tuesday. As my friend Laura said, you have to wonder what myth they were busting. (The myth of their competence?)

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Plane crazy.

December 7, 2011

Alec Baldwin was kicked off a plane today at LAX, and later tweeted “Flight attendant on American reamed me out 4 playing WORDS W FRIENDS while we sat at the gate, not moving.” Two thoughts, if he’s going to be that much of an a** Baldwin should buy his own plane, and there are advantages to being a luddite – I don’t even know how to play WORDS W FRIENDS on my phone.

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Wonder how long until someone will start marketing books and paper Sudokos crossword puzzles as “inflight entertainment you don’t have to turn off.”

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Apparently Baldwin lost his temper too, and yelled at the flight attendant. Maybe she reminded him of his daughter?

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Wouldn’t it have been more appropriate if he were playing “Angry Birds?”

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The “Over-Under” in Las Vegas for the Alabama-LSU game is 39. Is that Alabama 3, LSU 9?

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The Kraft Fight Hunger bowl will pit two fired coaches – Ron Zook of Illinois and Rick Neuheisel of UCLA – against each other. Though both coaches has handsome enough severance packages that neither will be worrying about food stamps.

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NFL analysts still talking about the Dallas Cowboys’ failure to call one of their time outs at the end of the game. (It would have given them an extra play to go for a shorter field goal or even a chance for a touchdown.) Where’s Chris Webber when you need him?

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The Big East has announced their new members for 2013. Boise State, SMU, Central Florida, and…. San Diego State. Really? San Diego isn’t even in Eastern California. (Though it is east of San Francisco and Los Angeles.)

Maybe San Diego State was added to make Boise State feel more Eastern.

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The NFL has suspended Washington Redskins tight end Fred Davis and left tackle Trent Williams four games each for violating the league’s substance abuse policy. Guess the league didn’t buy the players’ excuse, that playing for a Dan Snyder team would drive anyone in their right mind to drugs.

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A new planet has been discovered that has the potential to support life. Or at least a reasonable facsimile thereof – like Mitt Romney.

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From Marc Ragovin: “Newt Gingrich said he’s gonna mop the floor with his fellow contenders at the next GOP debate. Well actually he said he’d get some poor ten-year to do it.”

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The latest Gallup poll of GOP presidential contenders has Jon Huntsman at one percent. Guess that SNL appearance really boosted his candidacy.

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Rick Santorum now says that he is against gay marriage because if it were legal then “their sexual activity” would be seen as “equal” to heterosexual sexuality. Uh, how exactly does he know it isn’t?

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Turns out two passengers sustained minor injuries in Ndamukong Suh’s car crash this past weekend. One described him as “going so fast, it was violent.” Bet that’s the last time anyone riding with Suh tells him to “step on it.”

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An 85 year old woman is complaining she was strip-searched at JFK airport. You would think TSA would be more respectful of United’s First Class flight attendants.

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Yet another accuser has come forward against Jerry Sandusky. At this point it looks like the only chance the formerly revered Penn State coach has to be acquitted is to hold the trial in Los Angeles.

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Just another sleazy Monday.

December 6, 2011

You know you might have a bad lawyer when…he lets you give interviews like this: “If I say, ‘No, I’m not attracted to young boys, that’s not the truth, Because I’m attracted to young people — boys, girls….” Jerry Sandusky – quoted in the New York Times.

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So USC’s Matt Barkley will not be invited to the Heisman ceremony, probably because his team is on probation for the misdeeds of Pete Carroll and Reggie Bush. But LSU’s Tryann Mathieu will be there, despite having been suspended earlier this year for the misdeeds of himself. Can’t understand how college football gets such a sleazy reputation….

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Cliff Harris, Oregon’s All-American Cornerback, was already suspended from the team (for the second time this year) when he apparently violated team rules and coach Chip Kelly dismissed him. Looks like Harris is well on his way to becoming a first round draft pick for the Bengals.

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The head of the FAA was arrested Saturday night for DUI. Guess his real ambition was to be a pilot?

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Robbers stole $1900 from a Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse in Pasadena. Wow. That’s almost the receipts from three steak dinners.

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Newt Gingrich is lambasting Nancy Pelosi for her comments that that she knows “a lot” about the former speaker because of the year she spent investigating him. In fact, Newt sounds so upset, maybe he’s forgotten Pelosi isn’t one of his ex-wives.

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Dan Quayle is said to be planning an endorsement today. Wonder if the former V.P.’s statement will say he is endorsing “Mitt Romny”.

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Jon Huntsman today said that Donald Trump’s talks with other candidates are “pure BS.” Is the man bound and determined to get the votes of all the thinking GOP primary voters? All five or six of them?

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Apparently Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman won’t attend the debate moderated by Donald Trump. The Donald, insulted, referred to them as “joke candidates,” with “zero chance of getting elected.” Well, it takes a former one to know one.

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Many in the media are focused on the fact that Tim Tebow only completes about 40 percent of his passes. Well, that’s a much better percentage than Herman Cain.

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In Japan, a number of luxury sportscar drivers ended up in an 11 car pileup that smashed eight Ferraris, a Lamborghini and two Mercedes – over $1 million worth of automobiles. It was one of the most expensive wrecks of the year. Following perhaps only Kim Kardashian’s wedding.

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from T.C. “The Jacksonville Jags have been sold and rumored to be relocating to LA. A team in LA playing in the AFC South? Makes sense, KC is in the AFC West, StL in the NFC West and as another reader mentioned last week, Dallas plays in the NFC East. If Hawaii ever gets a team, they can be placed in the AFC East. Hawaii IS EAST of China.”

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Bowled over?

December 5, 2011

In a college football season, only one team stays undefeated all year, after beating their rival by 3 points. And that rival ends up with only the one loss. And so since it’s that close, why not a rematch in the national championship? Well, except when it was Ohio State beating Michigan 42-39 in 2006 And the Florida Gators got into the championship game. (Apparently Michigan didn’t qualify under the SEC codicil.)

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Here’s a crazy easy idea for the National Championship. Can’t be any worse. Play the big bowls Jan 1 like they used to – either the four BCS bowls or those bowls plus say, the Cotton Bowl. Vote afterwards and have the top two vote-getters play a week later.

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One reason Jim Harbaugh probably figures he made the right choice to jump to the 49ers last year: In the NFL you can lose a game and still have a chance to play for the championship.

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It seems like yesterday that many pundits figured Tim Tebow was John Elway’s taking a shot in the “SuckforLuck” bowl. Of course, I figured Alex Smith was going to serve the same function for Jim Harbaugh.

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With LSU-Alabama in the National Championship, schools in the SEC conference will divvy up $34 million. Wonder how many thousands will go for academics?

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LSU coach Les Miles was quoted on ESPN saying he is very happy to be playing Alabama. Well, yeah, a team with a mediocre offense they know they can beat. With a lot less prep work than it would take for Oklahoma State.

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The first of many Fiesta Bowl trivia items: Brandon Weeden, the OSU QB, is 28 years old. (Really.) That’s older than Alex Smith, Tim Tebow and Aaron Rodgers -Rodgers turned 28 on Friday.

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Manny Ramirez has had his second PED suspension reduced from 100 games to 50 games. Plus Manny has both hired agents AND filed for reinstatement from MLB’s retired list. Even Brett Favre is saying “Dude, give it up already.”

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There are rumors that Herman Cain may now endorse Newt Gingrich. Well, Newt may not have shown he can lead the country, but he has shown Herman a path on how to rebound from “woman issues.”

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Cain says he’s not quitting, he’s just changing to Plan B – “changing Washington from the outside.” Hmmm, wonder if Sarah Palin helped him out by writing that message on his palm with a sharpie.

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And regarding plan B, might not have been necessary if Cain had had a plan Z (as in keep your zipper zipped.)

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Busted Championship Series?

December 4, 2011

A lot of one-loss teams in college football after this weekend. What a shame that the sporting world has never figured out a way after the regular season to play such teams off against each other..

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Thanks to Southern Mississippi, BCS bowl games can all safely say “We no longer have a Houston problem.”

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Ndamukong Suh failed in his attempt to have his two-game suspension overturned. Guess NFL commissioner Roger Goddell decided to put his foot down.

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Herman Cain has told his supporters to “board the Cain train.” Which apparently has turned out be Amtrak. (And let’s hope for Herman’s sake that when he gets home, it doesn’t turn out to be a remake of “Murder on the Orient Express.”

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Some conservatives put all the allegations about women and Herman Cain down to a liberal conspiracy. But really, assuming liberals were organized enough to pull off such a conspiracy (which I doubt), wouldn’t they have waited until he was actually on the ticket to do the most possible damage?

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What’s next for the former pizza mogul? A line of t-shirts saying “I had an inappropriate relationship with Herman Cain and all I got was a lousy order of Hot Wings?

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Syracuse basketball Jim Boeheim apologized for accusing the men who said they were abused by his former assistant coach Bernie Fine of lying for money. Boeheim added that no one told him what to say and his apology is “what I feel.” Of course what Boeheim also may feel is that he would like to keep his job.

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Coca Cola had been packaging Coke in white cans for the holidays and as part of a campaign to protect polar bears. But the company is adding red cans after some consumers complained that white cans looked like Diet Coke and made the soda taste different. Can’t imagine how Americans get the reputation sometimes for being whiny wimps.

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Commissioner Larry Scott stated of the Pac 12’s 1st championship game “Of course I acknowledge there is disappointment around the fact that we’ve got a 6-6 team that fired their coach this week.” And blames the NCAA for putting USC on probation. Uh, maybe the conference could have had #1 play #2? Or not added two lousy teams (Colorado and Utah) in the first place.

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GOP presidential candidate Michele Bachmann said this week that gay people do have the right to get married, as long as they married someone of the opposite sex. Like her husband Marcus did?

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Herman, we liked you better when we hardly knew ye….

December 2, 2011

Newsmax, a conservative website, has asked Donald Trump to moderate their upcoming GOP presidential debate. Is this because thinking conservatives are looking at their choices and want someone to tell most of them “You’re fired?

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The Manchester Union-Leader said of Herman Cain, that he shows “a lack of self-awareness that should give any supporter pause.” Really? And this is the newspaper whose candidate defends marriage while having three wives, and decries lobbyists while having made $1.6 million from “consulting for Freddie Mac…

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With both his image and campaign in jeopardy, Herman Cain has launched a new website for testimonials called “Women for Herman Cain.” Hmm, wonder if the site is going to be an endorsement list, or a menu?

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Herman Cain said that his wife “now knows” about the money he gave Ginger White, and that “My wife understands that I’m a soft-hearted, giving person.” Uh, Herman, the “soft” part of your anatomy she may understand, it’s the hard part that may be an issue.

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USA Today has a list of the bonuses many college football coaches get for taking their teams to various championships and bowl games. Suppose it’s naive to be disappointed there are no bonuses listed for actually getting a certain percentage of your players to graduate…

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Britney Spears turned 30 today. So maybe there’s hope for Lindsay Lohan making it that far.

(for Britney’s 30 birthday party, wonder if she has decided to be responsible and have her children drive her home?)

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A windstorm in Northern California earlier this week has resulted in over 20,000 residents still being without power. On a brighter note, they were all named honorary San Francisco Giants.

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From my friend Alex Kaseberg: “Stevie Wonder wants to be on “Dancing with the Stars.” Ew, I just don’t think that will work; not because Stevie is blind, because he is an actual star.”

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The Philadelphia Eagles are now 4-8. And in Miami they’re sniggering “Well at least our “Dream Team” made it to the playoffs.
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From Bill Littlejohn, on former quarterback and fellow evangelist Kurt Warner offering spiritual advice to Tim Tebow: “Learn how to throw, will ya?’’

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In the Pen, State

December 1, 2011

Joe Amendola, Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer now says he might have to talk to his client at some point about pleading guilty to charges of child sex abuse.

Not that things weren’t bad enough before, but when your lawyer who married his 16 year old CLIENT after he got her pregnant (true, you can google it) thinks you’re too guilty to defend, well it’s probably over.

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So what did coaches like Joe Paterno and Joe Boeheim really say during those recruiting trips? – “Yeah we’ll carefully look after your sons, but you’d better guard their little brothers on visiting weekends.”

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The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reports that interim coach Tom Bradley will be in charge of the Penn State football team through this year’s bowl game. Translation, as if we could find someone else to step into the middle of this mess.

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LSU coach Les Miles stands to make over $6 million this year with bonuses, further assuring the coach will stay in Baton Rouge instead of considering an pro job. Plus there’s the major advantage in getting new players in the SEC as opposed to the NFL. Juvenile records can be expunged.

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Anyone missing the NBA regular season at this point? Me neither.

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Kris Humphries now wants his marriage to Kim Kasdashian annulled, saying that it was a “fraud.” Making him perhaps the last person in America who paid attention to the marriage to figure that out.

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A Utah hunter is recovering after being shot in the buttocks when his dog stepped on a shotgun that he had laid across the bow of his boat. Guess that’s what he gets for having named the pooch “Cheney.”

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Herman Cain told Fox News he is indeed “reassessing” his campaign saying the accusations are ” constantly weighing on me and my family, especially my family, because it continues to stir in the news.” You think he might have thought his actions may have weighed on his family…?
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Meanwhile, Cain today told his supporters to “stay informed because … stupid people are running America.” Not necessarily disagreeing with him, but some even stupider people WANT to be running America.

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For Herman Cain, maybe it’s not taxes but attractive women he should have approached with the plan “Nein, nein, nein.”

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Barry Zito is apparently getting married. Well, for a change, and for his sake, let’s hope this one actually turns out to be a successful long-term contract.

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Apparently Tampa QB Josh Freeman had a minor accident and injury at a shooting range earlier this season. Freeman has thrown 16 interceptions this year; sounds like he’s as accurate with a gun as he is with a football.

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Cain touched this?

November 30, 2011

Herman Cain said he didn’t have a affair, but he simply helped a friend financially. Instead of a “Sugar Daddy” does that make him a “Sugar Cain?”

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Who says there’s no American ingenuity anymore? San Francisco supervisors voted to ban free toys in children’s meal. And McDonald’s is complying, by charging 10 cents for a Happy Meal toy. (All proceeds going to build a SF Ronald McDonald house for sick children.)

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Rick Perry warned that if elected he will deal with uncooperative federal workers by reassigning them “to some really God-awful place.” Well, at least Perry didn’t say he’d go postal on them.

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Wouldn’t it be fun if one of Herman Cain’s girlfriends was named “Nina-Nina-Nina?”

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Herman Cain apparently told his staff Tuesday he is “reassessing” the viability of his campaign after Ginger White’s allegations of their 13 year affair. “Say it ain’t so” cried the nation’s comedy writers.

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Maybe Newt Gingrich is smarter than we thought. Get all the affairs (that we know off) out of the way years before running for office. Americans have short memories and they love repented sinners.

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Rick Perry spoke to a group of New Hampshire college students and told them he’d “appreciate their vote if they were turning 21 by Nov. 12.” (The election is Nov 6, 2012.) Good thing Perry forgot the third thing he was going to tell them.

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Ann Coulter was bleeped out on MSNBC this morning when she appeared to call John McCain (R-Ariz) a “douche bag.” Was she bleeped for the language, or because MSNBC thinks either Gingrich, Cain or Romney is the real “douche bag?”

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American Airlines declared bankruptcy this morning. Wonder how long it will take them to turn that into a ticket surcharge.

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Hardest speechwriting job amongst those writing for GOP primary candidates -writing for Mitt Romney. He/she doesn’t just need to contradict the words of other candidates, but also to contradict the words of the old Romney.

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The Chicago Cubs are apparently in the running for Albert Pujols. Guess new GM Theo Epstein figures now that Pujols has a ring, he might want to spend more time with his family and have Octobers off.

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Dr. Conrad Murray got a four year jail sentence today. Wonder how many days or weeks that is in Lindsay Lohan sentence years.

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Indianapolis Colts coach Jim Caldwell fired the team’s defensive coordinator and announced a QB change, saying “We feel this is the most effective and realistic way to move forward and win games this season.” Yes, that’s “games” Plural. If this coaching gig doesn’t work out Caldwell has a great future in stand-up comedy.

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One of many questions about the various college football scandals, from Syracuse and Penn State to the more mundane ones about money. How do these smart coaches always claim their focus is all on their “kids,” but at the same time claim they have zero idea of anything bad that might be going on?

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Actually are coaches at major universities becoming the better paid equivalent of political wives? “Of course I had no reason to suspect him….”

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Choices, foolish and otherwise:

November 29, 2011

Bus to hell thought of the day: The least popular Christmas gift this year? Penn State children’s pajamas.

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Football coach Rick Neuheisel, who was fired from the University of Washington for betting on March Madness, has been fired now from UCLA for incompetence. Neuheisel is really bummed, he had Dec 4 in the pool.

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Meanwhile, so if coaching Florida was too stressful for Urban Meyer, how is Ohio State going to be better? Did the Columbus police promise not to arrest his players?

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The NBA has apparently decided to start the season on Christmas Day. Many sports fans were hoping for another holiday start date – like Easter.

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Note to Herman Cain. Homosexuality is NOT a choice. Monogamy, on the other hand, is a choice.

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A woman is now alleging that she and Herman Cain had a 13 year affair. His campaign released a statement saying that a candidates for political office and public officials should not “be questioned about his or her private sexual life.” Right, it’s just regular folks who need a constitutional amendment. defending marriage.

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We’ll see how these latest Cain allegations play out. But anyone but me think a sexual allegation might actually HELP Mitt Romney? Of course, most people have a hard time believing Mittens has even had sex with his own wife.

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So the BCS championship game is likely to be LSU-Alabama. SEC schools, who will share in a huge payment, should be happy. Television advertisers, who just hope fans outside the South watch the whole game, are just praying that someone can Occupy the End Zone.

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The National Weather Service issued a fog advisory in the San Francisco Bay area Monday morning. Meaning conditions will be dangerous on many roads and bridges. The fog was so low and dense many drivers had a hard time seeing clearly to text.

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The woman who pepper-sprayed her fellow shoppers at Walmart now says it was “self-defense.” Wonder if the judge in the case will consider dropping the charges in exchange for the defendant accompanying him or her on a Christmas Eve shopping trip?

(added my friend Steven Harmon, “well, unlike the UC Davis police, she WAS being hemmed in by a large and unruly crowd.”

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Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback apologized and said his staff overreacted to an 18 year old girl tweeting her friends that he “sucked.” Hard to believe Brownback is a father of five, he should know most teenagers think ALL adults suck.

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From my funny friend Neil Berliner — “Herman Cain Denies 13-Year Affair, saying actually “It was 9 years, 9 months, and 9 days.”

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Happy Cyber Monday.

November 28, 2011

Today, November 28 is this year’s Cyber Monday. The day American women prove they can be as unproductive at work as men are during the first rounds of March Madness.

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Barnes and Noble’s ad “Cyber Monday is here, plan your lunch break accordingly.” Wonder if their ad agency was able to write that with a straight face.

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On a brighter note, many Americans will at least find their friends are too busy to send them “copy this as your status,” messages, or Farmville requests.

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Another week, another loss for the Colts. Andrew Luck next year is looking at playing for another team that isn’t quite good enough to make it to the BCS title game. (Or heck, maybe even a BCS bowl.)

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Okay, kind of hope I’m wrong because I’d rather believe the best of people. But who wants to join me in a prediction that Jim Boeheim follows Joe Paterno into at least temporary unemployment?

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Up in Canada, the B.C. (British Columbia) Lions won the Grey Cup (the CFL equivalent of the Super Bowl), after starting the season with not only low expectations, but also a 0-5 record. So in other words, the Lions turned out to be the anti-Miami Heat.

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But really, 0-5? And the Lions made this great comeback apparently without divine intervention or even his chosen messenger Tim Tebow.
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The half-time entertainment for the Grey Cup? -Nickleback.

So Canada may not have serious big time football. But at least for their championship game they have halftime entertainment that music fans under 30 actually listen to.

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In OT, Chargers 13, Broncos 16. Ever get the idea that God sent Tim Tebow just to “mess” with the heads of NFL experts?
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Never been a fan of athletes who spend a lot of time thanking God. On the other hand, Tebow isn’t raping women, getting in bar fights, or being arrested for some combination of alcohol, drugs and guns. And he makes “experts” look stupid. Starting to seriously root for the guy.

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Bill Clinton referred to Newt Gingrich as “articulate.” Several other GOP candidates couldn’t decide if that was a compliment or insult until they googled “articulate.”

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The N.H. Union Leader endorsed Newt Gingrich for President. Which puts Newt in position to follow their last endorsements. Presidents Pete DuPont (1988), Pat Buchanan (1992 and 1996), Steve Forbes (2000), and John McCain (2008).

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As the child molestation allegations mount, Syracuse University on Sunday fired associate basketball coach Bernie Fine. Just one question – what took them so long?

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In the “bus to hell” department, assume no late night comic will dare make “I feel Fine,” jokes…

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And on a serious note, the worst thing to my mind about the Jerry Sandusky-Bernie Fine stories: Wondering how many others of these perverts are in high school and college programs who haven’t been caught (or turned in) yet.

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In the bag?

November 28, 2011

For their environmentally conscious fans, this Christmas season, the 49ers are now putting their logo on a reusable shopping bag. Apparently the sack can be used at least nine times.

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All these pundits saying how much better the SEC is than the Pac 12. Well, in that case why don’t some SEC teams schedule regular season games against some Pac 12 teams on the West Coast for the “easy” wins and the bragging rights….? (Heck, there isn’t even a scheduled bowl game with a SEC-Pac 12 matchup.)

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6-6 UCLA will go to the Rose Bowl if by some miracle they upset Oregon next week. And 7-5 Louisville is still alive for a major bowl bid as potential Big East champions. Wonder if they call them BCS bowls because NCAA basketball nixed the term “January Madness?”

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On the other hand, it’s not just the BCS that can mess up college football. The newly expanded Pac 12 has their first championship game next weekend. Because of the conference divisions, it will pit 11-1 Oregon against 6-6 UCLA. Yes, those same Bruins who warmed up for the game by losing to USC 50-0.

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In that 50-0 loss, the Bruins wore white. Wonder if the uniforms were made of used flags?

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NASA’s Mars rover “Curiosity” lifted off today on a two-year mission to Mars looking for signs of potential life. If successful, “Curiosity” will next look for signs of life with Mitt Romney.

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President Obama went shopping with his daughters at two local small bookstores in Washington, DC today. Waiting to see which GOP candidate will be the first to claim that buying books is elitist.

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One of many silver linings from the NBA lockout. Fans of the Clippers, Wizards and Raptors probably won’t have to watch their teams lose 50 games this year.

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And the real reason the NBA settled their lockout in time for Christmas games? The players couldn’t face the thought of having to decide which of their families to spend the holidays with.

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Leftovers

November 26, 2011

No, this isn’t a scene from a potential Power Rangers movie….it’s the one-time special Nike-sponsored Stanford football uniform.

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Nike says Saturday’s uniforms -pictured above- are a “metaphor for the pulse of life and the heart that pumps the relentless engine that is Stanford pride.” I think I like “a shameless but eye-catching-albeit-ugly brand promotion” better.

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Meanwhile, in the NFL on Thursday night, Poor Alex Smith. Yesterday he spent so much time on his back under large men the 49ers QB was named an honorary Kardashian.

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Meanwhile, Ndamukong Suh, after being ejected for another personal foul penalty, will be out of action probably for a week or two for the Detroit Lions. Says T.C,, “well at least he has increased his chances of one day being offered a role on the Calgary Stomp-peders.”

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On Thursday night during an early Black Friday sale, a shopper in a Southern California Walmart allegedly used pepper spray to keep others away from things she wanted to buy. In the woman’s defense, she claimed she was just in the spirit of Thanksgiving by sharing food with others.

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But really, if pepper spray is a vegetable does this make salsa a multi-vitamin?

Harvard upset #20 Florida State tonight in men’s college basketball. This would never happen in football. Between the BCS and the scheduling gods, there’s no way Harvard would ever play FSU in college football.

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The latest conservative complaint against Obama is that while he said “God Bless You,” at the end of his Thanksgiving speech the President didn’t explicitly thank God. Fox Radio host Todd Stearns, for example, said “Thanksgiving is a holiday traditionally steeped in giving thanks and praise to God.” Uh, if you asked most Americans wouldn’t they say it’s for giving thanks and praise to family, food and football?

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There are rumors that people have developed seizures while watching the movie “Twilight, Breaking Dawn.” Which means millions of men will be telling their wives/partners/girlfriends- “Honey, of course I’d love to see the movie with you, but my doctor recommends against it.

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Listening to announcers talking about LSU senior QB Jordan Jefferson’s “comeback.” After he was suspended from the team for allegedly kicking a guy on the ground in the head during a bar fight. But after the charges were downgraded from a felony to a misdemeanor (and the trial will be in the off-season), Jefferson was reinstated. How heartwarming.

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And moving onward, another of those serious thoughts: Okay, I get anti-Wall Street, and I get anti-greed. But Occupy protests like Friday night’s to stop shopping in San Francisco’s Union Square? (Didn’t work well, but no one got hurt.)

Sorry while I’m not pro-big-corporation, I am necessarily anti-retail employees just trying to make a living selling stuff we may or may not need.

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Are you ready for some shopping?

November 25, 2011

Thursday’s paper – 1/2 inch wide. Thursday’s ad inserts – 2 inches wide. So when are we going to officially change the name of Thanksgiving to “Black Friday Eve?”

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All these football games on Thanksgiving supposedly to honor our national sport. Sorry, actually they are the pre-game to the TRUE U.S. national sport — shopping.

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The Baltimore Ravens got to Alex Smith tonight NINE times. Yes, nine. That’s more sacks than most dedicated shoppers get at a Black Friday sale.

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So tonight’s answer for Jim Harbaugh to the question “Oh, brother where are thou?” “Watching my defense sack your quarterback.”

Ndamukong Suh said he didn’t mean to stomp on a Green Bay Packers’ lineman’s arm. What, was Suh aiming for his head?

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Jeno Paulucci, 93, died today. He originally founded Chun King, a brand that sold canned Chinese food. But Paulucci later established Jeno’s Inc, the first and biggest U.S. sellers of pizza rolls. All over the country, joints are being extinguished for a minute in his name.

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Black Friday brings to mind a sign seen in London last winter: “Buy more sh*t or we are all f*cked.”

(And seriously – over one in four jobs in the U.S. are in or closely associated with retail.)

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Former American Idol finalist Lauren Alaina forgot the words to the national anthem before the Packers-Lions today. On a brighter note, she was immediately offered a gig singing the anthem before campaign events for Rick Perry.

(My comic friend Michael Piccard says, “actually, she didn’t get offered the gig. Perry forgot to call.)

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One factor delaying Urban Meyer’s hiring at Ohio State may be the fact that the school, looking to recover from recent scandals, may be concerned about the 30 plus arrests during Meyer’s tenures at Florida. But in Urban’s defense, only about a dozen of those arrestsinvolved violent misdemeanors or felonies.

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What some politicians give thanks for on Thanksgiving: Rick Perry, that no one has asked him the three things he is most thankful for, Herman Cain, that no one had camera phones in the 90s, Newt Gingrich, that he only has to spend it with one of his wives. And Barack Obama, that these three are taking turns leading the GOP polls.

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The NBA players and owners are apparently trying again for a settlement to “save Christmas for their fans.” “How heartwarming,” said absolutely nobody.

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For sports fans who use holiday games as a respite from the craziness, it’s a darn shame they don’t play baseball in November. Because even in the late innings, comebacks are always a possibility. Whereas the Lions-Packers game at the end of the third quarter is OVER.

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Happy Thankful for Turkeys Day.

November 24, 2011

And on that subject, I think I can join comedy writers all over the world… If the Republican primary was being dominated by an intelligent, reasonable, likable man (like Jon Huntsman), well, we might all be better off in the long run. But it would be a more a boring world.

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Bad weather across the U.S. Wednesday meant that some travelers won’t make it to their families for Thanksgiving dinner. And at least a few of those travelers have already raised a glass somewhere to toast Mother Nature.

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Michele Bachmann’s spokesman said NBC did finally apologize for the song and said the band had been “severely reprimanded.” In related news, Fallon’s musicians were all made honorary members of the Stanford band.

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So, “Lying Ass B****” for Michele Bachmann?

Surely late night bands can come up with more ideas for other political figures.

For any member of Congress- “Fool on the hill.”

For Congress, the candidates and our President: “Promises, promises.”

For Arnold Schwarznegger, “Billie Jean.” Oh never mind, the child IS his son.

For Rick Perry after that New Hampshire speech “Everybody must get stoned.”

For Romney: “Subterranean Homesick Blues.” (You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.)

More to follow, or readers, please add in comments. Political – or for that matter, intro music for sports figures. (Some of those tomorrow for sure.)

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Meanwhile, Mitt Romney told an audience in Iowa he was “not looking to put money in people’s pockets.” Exactly. But he is looking to keep money in the pockets of those who already have it.

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The Kansas City Chiefs signed Kyle Orton off waivers, and the Chicago Bears signed Josh McCown. That’s it, Brett Favre is officially “chopped liver.”

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Andrew Luck will apparently not play the “one more year of eligibility” card to affect the NFL draft As it has been reported the Stanford QB will not take classes next quarter. (Either that or Luck wants to see what it’s like to be an SEC quarterback.)

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A source told ESPN, that Urban Meyer has done some “soul-searching,” and is likely to accept the Ohio State coaching job. Angry Florida fans doubt the story, because at this point they doubt he has a soul to search.

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The NBA owners and players are talking again, with a new self-imposed deadline for Christmas games. Brings to mind that old Chicago song “Does anybody really know what time it is, does anybody really care?”

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Another week, more allegations against, and more denials by, Jerry Sandusky. If this guy loses any more credibility he’ll be named an honorary member of Congress. (In the interest of not going directly to hell I won’t say “or of the Vatican.”)

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But here’s another rider on the bus to hell:

From Marc Ragovin “An assistant Principal at a Brooklyn high school has been suspended for viewing child pornography, or as its also called, Penn State game film.

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Finally in all seriousness, thanks to anyone reading this blog, even if you just stumbled upon it by accident today. You all are the reason I write. Janice Hough

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The latest Grate-ing debate.

November 23, 2011

If Mitt Romney becomes the Republican Presidential nominee Madame Tussaud’s will face one of their biggest challenges ever –How to create a wax figure of a wax figure.

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And tonight, in trying to come up with a witty response to Wolf Blitzer’s introduction of himself that including “And yes, my real name is Wolf,” the former Massachusetts governor stated “”I’m Mitt Romney and yes, Wolf, that’s also my first name.”

Except that Romney’s first name is “Willard.”

Great, the guy wants to be Commander in Chief and he couldn’t even get through an airport TSA inspection with a ticket that matched his legal name.

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Meanwhile, Herman Cain referred to Wolf Blitzer as “Blitz.” Could have been worse though, with the approaching holiday season Cain could have referred to him as “Blitzen.” (And at least Herman didn’t ask where Donner was.)

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Newt Gingrich is now saying we should get rid of child labor laws, and put underprivileged children to work in paying jobs. Is he running to be President, or Ambassador to China?

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Michele Bachmann said this morning that 70% of GOP voters are still undecided about their choice for the 2012 Republican nomination, which could be a boon for her. Except the problem for her and others is that 70% of voters wish someone, anyone, else was running.

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Rush Limbaugh says Michelle Obama is “uppity,” because she’s trying to tell parents she knows what to feed their children. Well, judging by obesity figures, a lot of Americans DON’T know what to feed their children. (Including, perhaps, Rush’s parents?)

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Ohio State says if the NCAA doesn’t prohibit them from going, the Buckeyes will accept a bowl bid. Actually, if the NCAA wants an appropriate punishment, they should let OSU go, but forbid the players from accepting ANY swag.

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Brigham Young has apparently broken off talks to join the Big East. What, did someone do something drastic? Like show the University president a map?

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Over 20 students in the Great Neck, New York area, have been implicated in a scandal involving college students being paid to take SAT tests for kids in high school. The most shocking thing? Apparently no football or basketball players were involved.

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So it looks like there are a number of potential victims in Florida who were looking to improve their figures. They now allege that a woman posing as a doctor injected their buttocks with a combination of tire-sealant, cement and superglue. Uh, folks, the only way superglue helps your figure is by using it on your refrigerator door.

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Newt Gingrich advocated a softer stand on immigration than his fellow GOP candidates. Was Newt just trying to be the voice of reason? Or besides his affairs does he have illegal employees in his past? (Or an affair with an illegal immigrant?)

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Although they didn’t win, Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke earned a perfect score on DWTS last night. Well, good to see that this year at least one Kardashian has managed a harmonious relationship with a new partner.

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From Gary Bachman: The Black Eyed Peas deny rumors they are breaking up. If they do break up, would they be called the Split Peas?

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Gentlemen, start your field goal practices:

November 22, 2011

If LSU ends up playing Alabama in the BCS National Championship will the game be be sponsored by Sherwin Williams? Because another Field Goal derby would be like watching paint dry.

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Jay Cutler is out for the year. Wonder how long it took for that phone call from Hattiesburg, Mississippi to Chicago saying “I’m available.”

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Fox’s Megyn Kelly referred to the pepper spray that University Police used on U.C. Davis students as “a food product.” Well, heck, let’s put the stuff in school cafeterias then. The spray could be used both for discipline problems and as a vegetable.

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Ground staff at Liverpool’s John Lennon Airport are staging a series of two-hour
strikes this week. Which means Lucy and her Diamonds may be in the Sky, but not, alas, you and your luggage.

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So for a prescription, Walgreen’s was out of Allegra in the 30 count bottle. Which was $9.99. But they had two 15 count packets, which they say they would sell me $27.98. And the young woman behind the counter didn’t see the problem. If corporations are people, they are the greedy, stupid relatives you don’t want to see at Thanksgiving.

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Newt Gingrich is defending his third wife, who he “dated” for six years while married to his second wife. Newt claimed that lies have been told about Callista, and “it’s not fair.” I guess Gingrich feels that if there are going to be lies involving any of his wives, he should be the one to tell them.

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TCU placekicker Ross Evans has been charged with kicking in the door of a Denton, Texas apartment, supposedly while trying to receive his cell phone. Evans is free on bail but has been charged with criminal mischief. Had he only been Alabama’s placekicker Ross would have missed the door wide right.

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A recent poll showed Newt Gingrich leading the GOP primary as far as being the best potential “Commander in Chief.” Or it’s possible respondents misheard the question, and thought they were answering “Who’ll make the best PHILANDERER in Chief?”

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Retired Florida football coach Urban Meyer says he hasn’t received an offer from Ohio State, but if he they do offer him the coaching job, “I’ll have a decision to make.” Presumably whether he wants to spend more time tattooing his family?

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(This next will make the most sense to Canadian readers. But anyway…)

British Columbia, who started the Canadian Football Season 0-5, is in the Grey Cup, and Detroit looks to be heading for the NFL playoffs. Guess with the success of avowed Christian Tim Tebow, God wanted to dole out a measure of success for the Lions.

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So brothers Jim and John Harbaugh will square off as NFL coaches on Thanksgiving. Given the relationship, and Jim’s known propensity for “enthusiasm,” will the post-game handshake be replaced by a pillow-fight?

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The University of Arizona announced the hiring of Rich Rodriguez as their new football coach by Twitter. Makes some sense, one of the few printable things fans in Michigan might say about Rodriguez is that he is a first class twit.

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In the “a plague on both your houses” category: In the private sector if your job is to come up with a budget in two months and you come back to your boss and say “Sorry, couldn’t do it,” you are looking at unemployment.

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This just in, the Congressional Super Committee has failed to come up with a deficit reduction plan. But they did agree that Candy Corn and Boston Baked Beans Candy both qualify as vegetables.

(added my friend Bill Schmarzo, “does that mean Swedish Fish qualifies as a protein?”)

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Really, folks, the super-committee’s failure is disappointing. But realistically they had about as much chance of success as the Washington Redskins did of making the playoffs.

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From T.C. “Hidden-camera footage taken at Sparboe Poultry facilities show birds being abused. McDonalds has terminated business with this supplier. ‘These people are creepy, sick, demented and need help,’ says Jerry Sandusky.” – TC in BC

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Moving the football.

November 21, 2011

Who knew? The so-called “Game of the Century” between LSU and Alabama, might not have been one of the top ten college games of November.

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Listening to all these NFL players introduce themselves and their college, I propose a new rule – You only get to mention your college or university IF you have actually graduated.

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Stanford’s Andrew Luck was named a first-team Academic All-American with his 3.48 GPA in Architectural Design. In the SEC, at least a few QBs can allegedly spell “Architectural Design.”

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All this strength-of-schedule crap. Never going to change with the BCS. Because an out-of-conference loss knocks teams down so far, there’s no reason for SEC to play good Big 12, Big 10 or Pac 12 teams. And vice versa. We get one or two games like LSU-Oregon and the rest is conjecture. Another reason we need a playoff.

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The University of Miami, currently tied for #7 in the ACC, has decided to self-impose a bowl ban for 2011. What a crushing disappointment for all those kids who grew up dreaming of playing in the AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl.

While readers may know I’m biased in favor of Stanford, I am not a 49ers fan (I root for the Saints.) But San Francisco is having an impressive year.

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For those West Coast sports fans tired of East Coast bias, the most fun part about listening to the Sunday Night Football? Listening to the announcers talk about marquee teams like the Giants and Eagles, and realizing neither of them is playing as well as the 49ers.

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Of course, if the BCS had anything to do with the NFL playoffs, the 49ers would be seeded about 10th.

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“Breaking Dawn” took in over $139 million this weekend. With an audience that was 80 percent women. Amazing. How the heck did some of those women get men to go with them?

(my niece Sarah implies some teenage boys may have been crazy like foxes and gone to a showing to meet teenage girls. Alex Kaseberg says “It rained so hard in LA it washed a straight dude into a showing of “Breaking Dawn.”)

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Of course, maybe this is all a plot. By opening “Breaking Dawn” the weekend before Black Friday, millions of American men may decide that if their wives or girlfriends give them choice, they’d rather go shopping.

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Jim Harbaugh was the most sought after potential NFL head coach last year. And it is just possible that he might have been under-rated.

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Congress is giving us yet another oxymoron – “Super-committee.”

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The new MLB contract between the owners and players will reputedly include testing for HGH. Translation- The players have found something better.

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In Sunday’s Vikings-Raiders game, Minnesota almost punted early because the officials forgot third down. “See, not so easy is it?” said Rick Perry.

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Pizza, pizza.

November 18, 2011

Congress is now saying that in school lunches, pizza counts as a vegetable. What happened to the good old days when vegetables had to be something healthy, like ketchup?

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Regarding Congress deciding pizza is a vegetable. What’s next? Will they decide pepperoni is a pepper?

(my friend Edie hopes that cocoa beans will be classified as a legume…)

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A new study by a Northwestern professor of medicine says that at the rate we are going in America, 83 percent of men and 72 percent of women will be overweight or obese by 2020. Must be all those “vegetables” we are eating.

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After two weeks of increasingly disgusting stories out of Penn State, somehow it’s not as hard to take comments like this: According to the NY Post, Tim Tebow said that this week that the most exciting thing he did during the week wasn’t preparing for the Jets defense but announcing his foundation was building a children’s hospital in the Philippines.

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And how many sports fans were rooting for Tim Tebow and the Broncos Thursday against the Jets, if in hopes of watching Rex Ryan melt down?

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Okay, who’d a thunk a couple years ago that Tim Tebow would be having a more successful year in the NFL than Tiger Woods on the golf course?

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The Rose Bowl says if Penn State wins the Big Ten title, the Nittany Lions will be able to play in the game. Stated Chief Administrative Officer Kevin Ash: “Whoever the champions are, we’ll welcome them with open arms.” And I am sure it is just coincidence that the music playing in the Big Ten offices is “On Wisconsin.”

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If Penn State does end up in a bowl, think it’s a safe bet the halftime entertainment won’t be Boyz II Men.

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from Marc Ragovin: It’s not surprising that two of the biggest slime balls in the Penn State fiasco are two guys named Schultz and Curley. One is an incompetent Nazi, the other a Stooge

Herman Cain is the first GOP presidential candidate in this election cycle to receive Secret Service Protection. Of course what Republicans who want to win the presidency really want is protection to keep Cain from opening his mouth.

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Herman Cain’s embarrassing public gaffes have even some Republicans saying this guy has no business running for President. But maybe Cain is looking back to 2008 and trying to prove he fits the mold to run for vice-president.

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Herman Cain appeared on David Letterman tonight. At one point during a prickly exchange Herman asked Dave “Are you trying to talk me out of this? (running for President) ” And thousands of comics and would-be comics across America screamed at their television set “Nooooooooo…”

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Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are divorcing. I suppose it would be too much to ask that she is dumping him for a younger man.

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Apparently there is a strain of lab mice called Black-6 that actually voluntarily consume alcohol. Wonder if on Sundays scientists refer to their cages as “the Black Hole?”

Nonetheless, the little black mice have been named honorary members of Raider Nation.

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No joke, apparently there are now limited edition bacon-flavored lubricants and massage oils. Insert men/pigs joke here:

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What we have here is a failure to communicate….

November 17, 2011

Herman Cain’s latest “oops” minute, asking a crowd at Versailles restaurant “how do you say delicious in Cuban?” Michele Bachmann immediately came to his defense, saying she doubts even President Obama knows that many words in Cuban.

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Meanwhile, it is apparent watching Gabby Giffords that her cognitive skills are largely intact, but she is having serious trouble getting words and sentences out. Some think she shouldn’t run again for Congress, but hey, Gabby’s already ahead of certain candidates for the GOP presidential nomination.

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As Newt Gingrich becomes relevant in the GOP primary again, despite three marriages and admitted affairs, are there any other women with the same question I have? How did Newt find so many women who found him attractive?

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Meanwhile, Melania Trump told Joy Behar that her husband Donald will decide in the next few weeks whether to get back in the Presidential race. Guess the the Donald has seen Newt Gingrich’s surging poll numbers and decided it’s a good time for family values types on their third wives.

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At a recent campaign stop for Rick Perry, people were told that non-U.S. Citizens would not be allowed to enter. Apparently it was a misunderstanding. With that rule Perry would never be able to have an event catered by any restaurant.

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from T.C. Washington Nationals kidnap victim catcher Wilson Ramos was rescued this weekend in Venezuela. While in captivity, he overheard his abductors saying they weren’t interested in Terrell Owens either.

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For many Americans, especially baby-boomers, one result of the past week is that after over 30 years, the movie “Carrie” is no longer the standard for the most awful imagined shower scene.

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Mike McQueary, the assistant coach who said he saw Jerry Sandusky raping a young boy, now says he “stopped” the attack and did go to the police. Not sure who to believe at this point, but to paraphrase a line from Hamlet – “Something is rotten in the state of Pennsylvania.”

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Apparently former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn has been implicated as a client of a $800 a night call girl ring in northern France. Maybe his defense will be this was an example of a serious French stimulus package.
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The GOP controlled House of Representatives just passed a bill to dramatically expand the right to carry concealed firearms Well, concurrently with the Occupy movement what could possibly go wrong?

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Natalie Wisneski, former COO officer of the Fiesta Bowl, has been charged with filing false income tax returns for the bowl game. And faces campaign finance and conspiracy charges. Ah for the good old days when that might have been one of the biggest college football scandals of the year.

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Terry Francona withdrew his name from consideration for the Chicago Cubs managerial job. Apparently Terry feels that he’s a manager, not a miracle worker.

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In the “who cares” department, Heather Locklear and Jack Wagner have broken off their engagement, which they announced in August. On the bright side for those who like celebrity romance, their engagement did last longer than Kim Kardashian’s marriage

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Okay, guys who read this blog can ignore this one: People magazine has declared Bradley Cooper this year’s “Sexiest Man Alive.” Please, can we just retire this competition and give the award permanently to George Clooney?

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