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Opening day.

May 18, 2012

After the first day of stock trading – Facebook’s relationship to Wall Street? “It’s complicated.”

 

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Not Facebook, but short term business idea for moderately big bucks: Discreet book covers for “Fifty Shades of Grey” for women to use on airplanes, by the pool and at little league practices.

 

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A Wisconsin man bought a Green Bay Packers Super Bowl XLV championship ring at a pawn shop. Hmm, this might be the only way Lebron gets his ring.

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Kerry Wood made one last appearance today for the Chicago Cubs, before announcing his retirement. He ended with one last strikeout, though it might have been more fitting had Woods finished by first announcing one last trip to the DL.

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The Miami Heat canceled practice today. Well, guess based on the last two games it wasn’t working anyway. –

 

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The Lakers salvaged Game 3,  but Lakers guard Steve Blake and his wife have been attacked and threatened online since he missed a possible game-winning shot against the Thunder in game 2. Who do these idiots think they are, soccer fans?

 

 

 

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AZ GOP Sec of State Ken Bennett said “I am not a birther,” but “At the request of a constituent, I asked Hawaii for a verification in lieu of certified copy. We’re merely asking them to officially confirm they have (Obama’s) birth certificate in their possession and are awaiting their response. He said if the issue is not resolved it was “possible” he would keep the President off the ballot. Arizona sounds like they just can’t stand Florida having the title “Craziest state in the U.S.”

 

The attorney general’s office in Hawaii is telling Arizona’s secretary of state that if he wants confirmation of President Obama’s birth records, he’ll have to prove he legitimately needs it.   Translation  “Are you all nucking futs?”

 

New Ohio State football coach and AD Gene Smith self-reported 46 recent secondary recruiting violations. Why 46 exactly? Maybe they figured 50 would be serious?

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Can’t stand the Heat?

May 17, 2012

Thought about the GOP going after President Obama’s connection with Jeremiah Wright: Is it really a good idea for to make religion an issue when your candidate’s great grandfather had five wives?

(Personally,  if someone was a genuine witch (or warlock) and could fix the economy, support education, and protect my rights, I’d be okay with that. :-))

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Only silver lining if the Heat look as bad in the next few games as they have against the Pacers so far: Lebron James won’t have to deal with the fourth quarter choking taunts in the finals.

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Truest words Mitt Romney ever spoke? In response to being asked about comments he made earlier this year about Obama and Jeremiah Wright, Mitt said “I stand by what I said, whatever it was.”

 

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American Idol finalists  announced tonight.    But all the last three probably got more votes than either Romney or Obama will get in November.

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An autopsy report apparently showed evidence of marijuana in Trayvon Martin’s system after he was shot. Uh, okay, wouldn’t that make him LESS likely to be aggressive and violent? (And it’s not like Zimmerman tried something like taking his Doritos.)

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So are the DJ’s playing “Last Dance” in heaven tonight? One of the best dance songs ever, for those of us youngsters of a certain age. R.I.P. Donna Summer.

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Is it too soon to retitle them the Miami “Not so Hot?”

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Final arguments today in the John Edwards trial. Will be interesting….leaving the legal issues aside, can you convict someone for being a douche bag?

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For the first time ever in the U.S., more children were born to minorities than non-Hispanic caucasians last year. Wonder if this finally might change some Republicans’ stance against birth control.

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For the first time ever in the U.S., more children were born to minorities than Caucasians last year. Wonder if this finally might change some Republicans’ stance against birth control.

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The NCAA is looking at overhauling rules to provide “stronger, more predictable penalties” for violations, including possible fines for a university up to five percent of its annual athletic budget. Is this known internally as the SEC tax?

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SF Giants beat St. Louis Cardinals today 7-5. More amazing than the seven runs? The fact that the three errors today were all in the Cardinals column.

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The best part of waking up?

May 17, 2012

A new study says that people who drink two to three cups of coffee a day may live longer. And those who have their coffee in the morning are also presumably less likely to kill their family and coworkers.

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A 6’6″ and 350 lb Wisconsin man is picketing an “all-you-can-eat” restaurant who he said cut him off after a dozen pieces of fish.   6’6″, 350 lbs?   Well, if nothing else, sounds like walking around with a sign might be good for his health.

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Reporters,(including one from that liberal rag the Wall Street Journal) complained that they were physically restrained today at a public Florida event from asking questions of Mitt Romney. A Romney spokeswoman said “an error had been made.” Right. Next time they won’t give the press advance warning.

 

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From my friend Gary Bachman:  Texting while walking has been banned in a Fort Lee, New Jersey. The law was enacted after Gov. Chris Christie visited the town and was involved in an accident. He was texting while walking and did considerable damage to a Mini Cooper.

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Random thought about this Clemens steroid trial. Who’d a thunk one of the most honest men in baseball might turn out to be Jose Canseco.

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John Edwards’ lawyers rested their defense, without calling their client to the stand. Okay, if you’re a lawyer, and your own lawyers think you’re now too unlikeable to help your own cause, you might really be a scumbag.

 

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NBA says they will not suspend or fine the Heat’s Dwyane Wade for his flaqrant foul on the Pacers’ Darren Collison. Their rational can be found in the rulebook under the “Superstars do not commit flagrant fouls” section.

 

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Meanwhile, Lebron James said that with Chris Bosh out it was a “lot more taxing being in there with bigger guys.” “Wow, that sounds rough, I feel for you,” said no one outside South Florida.”

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Lindsay Lohan made a cameo on “Glee” last night as a guest judge for the nationals singing competition. Good casting choice. How many other 25 year olds would make the cast of Glee -many of them her age – look so young by comparison?

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Skechers will pay a $40 million settlement after the FTC said their advertising misled consumers into thinking their “Shape Up” and “Tone Up” shoes would give them a figure like Kim Kardashian’s without “setting foot in a gym.” Well, anyone who believed the claim probably at least matches Kim in intelligence if not figure.

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A thought about this evidence that George Zimmerman showed signs of injuries from a fight the day after he shot Trayvon Martin: This case is for a jury to decide, but one thing is sure – no one would have been hurt if George had just obeyed the dispatcher who told him not to follow Trayvon in the first place.

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Not ready for prime time?

May 16, 2012

Not saying Los Angeles doesn’t deserve a good hockey team, but….NBC Los Angeles did a story about the Clippers, Lakers, and Kings all being in the playoffs…. and they used the logo for the NBA’s Sacramento Kings instead of the NHL’s Los Angeles Kings.

 

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Meanwhile down in Anaheim, the disappointing Angels rank 12th in the American League in runs this season. Fans are shocked, there are two teams scoring less runs than the Angels?

(answer, yes, Seattle and Oakland. as of today.)

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Thomas Williams,   Catholic priest, author and television personality,  has admits fathering a child “several” years ago.   The Vatican’s reaction, embarrassment, but relief that at least his transgression involved an adult woman.

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Husband grumpily reading resumes tonight.  Open note to job seekers:   If you really want an interview,   it’s a good idea at least to  use spell check on your cover letter.     (Really.)

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As the second Roger Clemens trial drags on, and on, a juror was removed for falling asleep. Sounds like they lost the smartest guy in the jury pool.

 

 

Then later ANOTHER Roger Clemens juror fell asleep during the trial and was removed today. (Yes, two of them.) The remaining jurors are adding to their resumes “Ability to watch paint dry.”

(as my comedy-writing friend Jerry Perisho says “Note to self, falling asleep will get you out of jury duty.”

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U.S. stocks fell again on worries about the Greek debt. So when is Romney going to call for an invasion of Greece?

 

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Derrick Rose had successful ACL surgery and will be out about 8-12 months. Which means he’ll just barely miss the last round of the playoffs.

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Manny Pacquiao said President Obama’s views on gay marriage are a “direct attack on the morals of society and the will of God, saying that “America should be the model of morality for other countries to emulate.” Right, and who in the U.S. are better to judge standards of morality than professional athletes?

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Mitt Romney is alleging a “personal beef” between the Clintons and President Obama. And Mitt should know about these things – he has such warm relationships with his fellow Republicans….

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Mitchell Guist,, star reality TV star from “Swamp People,” died yesterday in Louisiana. Many Americans responded with “That’s sad news.” Even more Americans responded “What the heck is Swamp People?””

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An AP/CNBC survey of 1000 Americans said 46% of respondents think Facebook will fade away, and 43% believe the site will be around for a long time. Of course, it took the pollsters over 5000 calls to get that many answers, as most people were too busy updating their Facebook accounts.

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Jerry Brown thought  California was $9 billion in debt but says now the state is  really $16 billion in debt.   Is he running for election or for CEO of JPMorgan.

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Even after he apologized for the company’s $2 billion trading loss, shareholders just approved JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon’s $23 million pay package at the bank’s annual meeting. And just try being a week late with your Chase credit card payment.

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Pacers 78-Heat 75.  Okay,  it’s only game one.   But might this be the first May in memory that we have a big sporting win in Indiana – that has nothing to do with lots of very fast left turns?

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Blue Jays third baseman Brett Lawrie spiked his helmet after a bad 3rd strike call in the bottom of the 9th, and it hit the umpire. So he’ll probably be suspended. At least this probably won’t happen in San Francisco or Anaheim. These days in that situation those teams wouldn’t hit anything.

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A bite with Mitt?

May 15, 2012

Donors to Obama’s campaign were entered into a drawing to have dinner with the President and George Clooney.    Donors to Romney’s campaign get a drawing to have “a bite with Mitt.”    Just Mitt.    What, Ted Nugent wasn’t available?

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An investigation found that Newark at TSA took corrective actions for only 42% of security breaches at the airport between 1/1/10 and 5/31/11. But hey, they confiscated several thousand bottles of water.

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While gas prices have come down in most of the country, they have spiked in California in the last couple weeks, apparently due to “refinery issues.” What’s a “refinery issue?” I think it’s “We have the refineries, we can charge whatever the h*ll we want.”

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Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski says London 2012 will be the last Olympics he coaches the U.S. men’s basketball team. Guess if coach K wanted to spend time with overpaid prima donnas, he’d just move to the SEC.

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Ron Paul announced he’ll stop campaigning for President. Which means he’ll be getting about the same amount of media coverage he’s gotten so far in 2012.

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MLB dropped its 100-game suspension of Rockies catcher Eliezer Alfonzo for a positive drug test because the sample wasn’t sent in promptly enough. So once again, “If the urine sits, you must acquit.”

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Former New Jersey high school star Billy Rowell, the Baltimore Oriole’s 1st round draft pick in 2006, has been suspended for 50 games for a 2nd violation of the minor league’s drug testing program. Uh, wouldn’t you think someone caught once would be more careful? Even Snooki is thinking this was stupid.

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Oklahoma City Thunder 119, Los Angeles Lakers 90. If this keeps up when the series heads to Staples Center Jack Nicholson will ditch the sunglasses in favor of a paper bag over his head.

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From T.C.  “So what’s the diff between USDA Select, USDA Choice, USDA Prime and Kobe? ”  They are just different grades of Dead Meat!   –

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So the chief investment officer at JPMorgan Chase is out, to be replaced by Matt Zames. Who according to CNN was “formerly a senior trader at Long-Term Capital Management, the failed hedge fund that placed massive bets on the trajectory of interest rates and required a $3.6 billion bailout from the Fed in 1998.” Well, that should inspire confidence.

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The number #2 name for baby boys in the U.S. in 2011 was “Mason.” Which allegedly is due to Khloe Kardashian’s naming her son Mason. If so this is the kind of thing that makes one fear for our country’s future.

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A California man has been arrested for allegedly driving at speeds of up to 104 mph with his 9 year old son and a teammate because they were late for a kids’ soccer game. And many parents are going “100 mph for soccer? How crazy can you be? Now, for a Little League game, maybe.”

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The Bachelorette” starts tonight with Emily Maynard. Host Chris Harrison says that because Emily is a single mom the show won’t be “the superficial drama you’ve seen in seasons past.” Right, it will be a different kind of superficial drama.

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Virgin Atlantic has announced they will start allowing passengers to make and receive phone calls in flight. Meaning a crying baby may soon not be the worst possible seatmate.

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Bad actors?

May 14, 2012

NBA commissioner David Stern, on allegations of “flopping” by the Miami Heat.   “I think it’s time to look at (it) in a more serious way.  We should give out Oscars rather than MVP trophies.” Unless of course our MVP’s are doing the acting.

 

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On a more serious note, for those worried about signs of the apocalypse,  the headline  “Clippers win playoff series”  has to be right up there.

 

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Metta says he won’t shake hands with James Harden. So once again we have the disappointment of no handshake for World Peace.

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Milwaukee Brewers closer John Axford says said his blown save this week put his wife into labor. If true, there should be a lot of new baby Mets fans born today on Mother’s Day.

(for those who missed the train wreck, New York took a 4-2 lead into the bottom of the ninth in Miami, and lost 8-4.)

 

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A dancing dog won “Britain’s Got Talent.” I guess a “Dancing With the Stars” Nancy Grace joke would be inappropriate….

 

(or as Augie says, “if were a dancing bitch, a Bristol Palin joke would have been inappropriate.”)

 

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Man City won the EPL title in a major upset on a goal difference today. And most Americans responded “I have no idea what that sentence means.”

 

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The CEO of JPMorgan Chase said his bank made a “terrible, egregious mistake” in losing $2 billion trading credit derivatives in the last six weeks. But says the bank is still very strong. Well, yeah $2 billion is only a fraction of the $25 billion they received in TARP money.

 

And on the subject of mistakes, egregious and otherwise,  of course many Americans know how wonderfully understanding Chase is when a mistake makes a customer late with a credit card bill.

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Yahoo CEO Scott Thompson apparently has resigned.  What next? Well, it ought to be interesting when he sits down with a recruiter and his resume.

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The Los Angeles Kings took a 1-0 lead tonight in the NHL Western Conference Final. “That’s awesome” was the second most common response in Los Angeles. “We  have a hockey team?” was the first.

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Happy Mother’s Day.

May 13, 2012

This must be the most stressful day of the year for NBA players –  so many baby mamas –  so little time.

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Bill O’Reilly dismissed the Mitt Romney prep school bullying story as “dumb,” and added that “Everyone does stupid things in high school, and added that he himself shot someone in the back with a BB gun. Is O’Reilly defending Romney or campaigning to be Vice President?

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The second round of the NBA playoffs has started before the first round has ended. More of the league’s efforts to make the postseason as confusing and nonsensical as the regular season.

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Baylor basketball star Brittney Griner will be in a cast for four weeks after a skateboarding accident. I guess this is another step towards equality – young women athletes being as stupid as young men.

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Eduardo Saverin – no problem building a company that started linking students at U.S. universities, with U.S investment, and U.S. educated employees But when it’s time to pay 15% U.S. capital gains tax – hey, I’m outta here. See you, suckers.

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With the way the GOP is trying to make an issue of President Obama’s support of gay marriage I hope none of them plan to go out to restaurants or have their hair done at their National Convention in Tampa.

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Three of the “Top Ten” plays tonight on ESPN are from….lacrosse? Let me guess which network is covering (and selling ad space) for the NCAA men’s lacrosse championship.

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From my friend Gary Bachmann:  “Betty White says she usually keeps her political views to herself, but this year she is announcing her preference for Barack Obama. This is her first public show of support for a candidate since she came out in favor of John Quincy Adams.”

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A top GOP pollster is circulating a memo saying that the party needs to evolve on gay issues. Wonder what upsets some conservatives in the party most – The idea of giving more rights to homosexuals, or the idea of evolving?

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Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer just signed a bill that allow employers to ask workers whether or not their prescription birth control pills are for medical, non-sexual reasons. Where’s the follow up bill to allow them to limit Viagra prescriptions to married men with pre-menopausal wives, and then only once a month for conception reasons?

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L.A. L.A. land

May 11, 2012

The  Los Angeles Lakers have been pushed to a game 7 by the lowly Denver Nuggets.  Maybe they’re just trying to prove that money and talent are nothing without World Peace.

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Much excitement on ESPN etc that Tiger Woods has made the cut this weekend and will at least finish the Players’ Championship. Wow So finishing is now a goal? Woods has gone from Jack Nicklaus to Danica Patrick.

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Corporations are greedy people example of the day: American Airlines charges extra for “preferred” seat assignments. Fair enough. But on a plane where coach goes back to row 32, the “preferred” seats are EVERY aisle and window as far back as row 25.  –

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Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band have announced a concert at Fenway Park on Aug. 14. Well, at least Boston fans can look forward to one guaranteed day in 2012 of cheering for big hits.

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NBC is axing Tina Fey’s “30 Rock” after next season, along with “Parks and Recreation” and “Communities.” Guess the network is looking for new and different ways to be last in the ratings.

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A thought about that Time magazine picture of the mom breastfeeding her 4-year old. While it’s a free country, it might be considered a bit creepy if your kid is old enough to text when he/she wants milk.

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Get out the violins – Josh Beckett in response to criticism of his playing golf on an off-day and then being too sore to pitch: ”We get 18 off days a year, I think we deserve a little bit of time to ourselves.” Well, at least looks like Beckett and the rest of the Red Sox will have another October off.-

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If Beckett makes any more stupid comments,  following the whole beer-fried chicken debacle in 2011, we may see a study checking pitchers for concussions.

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“Angry Birds” has now been downloaded a billion times. Which means a lot more people have used their phones to play the game than actually to call and talk to someone.

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Another thought about Scott Thompson, the Yahoo CEO who blames his phony degree on his resume on some hiring firm: Ever notice how when there are resume “mistakes” they never make the person look less educated or as if he or she went to a lesser school?

 

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Ah commas, another whacky liberal invention. This typo on Mitt Romney’s website about Gun Rights: “As president, Mitt will work to expand and enhance access and opportunities for Americans to hunt, shoot, and protect their families,  homes and property.”

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Many conservatives are saying that President Obama’s statement on gay marriage was politically motivated. Wonder what their explanation is about Mitt Romney speaking at Liberty, a Christian university with a Theology course on “The history, doctrines, and present state of the major cults such as Mormonism, Christian Science, Jehovah’s Witnesses and Seventh Day Adventism.”

 

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From Marc Ragovin:  “Tim Tebow has changed the name of his dog from “Bronco” to “Bronx,” even though the Jets play in the Jersey Meadowlands. Good to see the cross country move hasn’t affected his accuracy.”

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Parenting over the rainbow.

May 11, 2012

You cannot make this stuff up dept:  One of the people criticizing President Obama for his gay marriage decision, saying that “we know that in general kids do better growing up in a mother/father home,” is Bristol Palin.

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Here’s an interesting reaction to President Obama’s statement: “It is significant,” but “I, for one, am dissatisfied with half steps. I hoped for a leap from our president.” The speaker – Meghan McCain. Must be some interesting dinner table conversation in that family..

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Sarah Palin after President Obama’s saying his daughters influenced his thinking on gay marriage: “It would have been nice he had been an actual leader instead of merely reflecting what many teenagers think after one too many episodes of Glee.” Guess Sarah thinks Obama should have been watching more serious television – like Dancing With the Stars.

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Yahoo’s beleaguered CEO Scott Thompson allegedly said he wasn’t the one who fabricated a Computer Science degree and that he never noticed the bogus degree on his resume. If true, forget the lying, the man is too STUPID to be a CEO.

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If Thompson gets fired from Yahoo he certainly has a chance to catch on at Costa Cruises – the man has “fell into a lifeboat” down cold.

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The parents of an 18 month old said they were ordered to leave a JetBlue flight because the little girl was apparently on a no-fly list. Well, sounds like a TSA mistake. On the other hand, most frequent fliers can relate to being terrorized by onboard toddlers.”

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Howard Stern, who is going to join “America’s Got Talent,” says he would be a better judge than Jennifer Lopez is on American Idol: “If I sit there and just sit in a beautiful dress and tell them they’re wonderful, they’re not going to get anywhere.” And Steven Tyler said, “Wait, that’s my job.”

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.Less than two days after she said she became a Swiss citizen, Michele Bachmann is giving up that Swiss citizenship. Saying that she was making the quick change to prove she is a “proud American citizen.” Either that or she’s hoping to impress Mitt Romney as a potential running mate.

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Now that he’s with the NY Jets, Tim Tebow has changed the name of his dog “Bronco” to “Bronx.” What? Guess it was too unwieldy to call the pup “Meadowlands.”

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Time Magazine’s latest cover on “Extreme Parenting” shows a mother breastfeeding her four-year-old son, both of them standing up. And most teenagers think their parents had the most embarrassing little kid pictures of them….

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Gas prices have fallen as much as 20 cents a gallon in the U.S. in the last month. Stand by for Mitt Romney taking credit for it.

Leaving the marriage issue aside, here’s a question for my friends and readers of all political persuasions: Will there be an OPENLY gay male pro athlete in one of the major U.S. sports in the next 20 years? (Baseball, football, basketball, and sure, why not, hockey)

And if so, what sport?  My friend Michael Duca suggests basketball:  “just  because sooner or later someone’s going to notice the one guy who does not have 7 children by 9 mothers.

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We Hoped, we got Change….

May 9, 2012

Some folks can’t decide if they are madder at President Obama today because he said he now supports gay marriage, or because he said he came to the idea through evolution.

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Just wondering.  How come conservatives who are anti-gay marriage love to quote the Bible on homosexuality, but somehow forget all the verses on incest and polygamy etc?

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“I am more convinced than ever before that as we seek to establish full equality for America’s gay and lesbian citizens, I will provide more effective leadership than my opponent.” A quote in response to Obama’s statement today? No, a 1994 statement from Mitt Romney while running against Ted Kennedy.

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Since marriages are in the headlines today, anyone else thinking that these NBA playoffs are going to last longer than Kim Kardashian’s and Kris Humphries’s marriage?

Amazing listening to all the conservatives criticizing President Obama’s statement that he now supports gay marriage. Where was this bashing when the same position was stated by Dick Cheney?

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Sheryl Crow forgot the lyrics to “Soak Up the Sun” during a Florida concert, and laughed it off with “I’m 50 what can I say! My brain has gone to s-.” Well, if true this ought to be entertaining when Aerosmith tours this summer….

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A Boston radio station is reporting that two days before he missed a start because of muscle stiffness, Red Sox starter Josh Beckett was playing golf. Hmm, maybe he’d have been better off sticking to recreational fried chicken and beer.

Patricia Krentcil, the “tanorexic” mom, has apparently been banned from several New Jersey tanning salons. So when can we expect John Boehner to stand up for the rights of orange people?

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Michelle Bachmann has used her husband Marcus’s heritage to claim dual Swiss citizenship. And Switzerland is saying “Wait a minute, I thought we and the U.S. had a mutual non-aggression pact.”

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Former Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino’s motorcycle, the one he was riding at midnight with his mistress, is for sale.. Value of the 2007 Harley Davidson, approx $16,000. Repair cost: $18.000. Cost of the ride to Petrino’s reputation: Priceless.-

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The NY Times is reporting that NCAA is already investigating Nerlens Noel, a top high school basketball recruit who has committed to play for John Calipari’s Kentucky Wildcats. Hmm, if they find something could that make Noel a “none and done?”

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Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer says he needs more time and has asked for another delay in the former Penn State asst. coach’s sexual abuse trial. Presumably until say, 2035?

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Richard Lugar on Tea Party activist Richard Mourdock, who defeated him in the primary. “His embrace of an unrelenting partisan mindset is irreconcilable with my philosophy of governance.” And Mourdock’s supporters probably respond with “There Lugar goes again, with all those fancy foreign words.”

So many closers injured,  so many ineffective.   This is really tough for the Yankees.  They haven’t yet figured who they want to buy to replace Mariano Riviera.

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Oft-injured Josh Hamilton led a group of Texas Rangers in an impromptu “Slip and Slide” game today on the tarp before a rain out at Baltimore Camden Yards. Rangers management cannot have been amused. . But “Boys will be boys” responded AL pitchers.

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From Gary M. “How about Josh Hamilton’s line last night at Baltimore: 5 hits, 4 home runs, 8 rbi, 4 runs scored, 18 total bases. Or, as the Mariners would call it: April.”

 

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Carolina Blues.

May 9, 2012

North Carolina voters passed a amendment to the state constitution defining marriage as strictly between a man and a woman. Really? Can a loving gay couple possibly do as much damage to the institution of marriage as say, John Edwards?

Reading about the John Edwards trial. Anyone else think that in a just world he and Rielle Hunter would be sentenced to spending the rest of their lives together?

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Some think this vote is the most embarrassing thing to happen in North Carolina since the Charlotte Bobcats.

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This just in: Cole Hamels says he would have just hit Josh Hamilton.

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From T.C.    Cole Hamels suspended and fined for beaning Bryce Harper on purpose. On the bright side, the city of New Orleans just made him an Honorary Captain of the Saints.

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Hell  potentially  freezes over department: Okay, it is now possible that the Clippers may last longer in the NBA playoffs than the Lakers.

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The Charlotte Bobcats are reportedly interested in Patrick Ewing for their head coaching position. Heck, with their record last year, maybe they should consider him as a player.

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An Indiana man was arrested for driving with four children strapped to the roof of his car. Wonder if he had a Romney bumpersticker?

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As a way to fight obesity, Massachusetts has banned the school bake sale. You know you might be too PC when even Californians say “That’s insane.”

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Mitt “Let Detroit Go Bankrupt” Romney, is now taking credit for the auto industry’s recovery. What’s next, John Edwards taking credit for defending traditional marriage?  –

Rick Santorum says he’s against smoking, but he doesn’t want a law against smoking. But he’s against gay marriage, and he wants a law against gay marriage. Hmm, which of these things he doesn’t like actually can HURT people?

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A Florida man was arrested at BWI airport with a loaded Glock in his carry-on. He said he “forgot” the gun was in his bag. What, did he miss it under his quart plastic bag of toiletries?

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Mike McQueary has filed a whistleblower suit against Penn State. He’s the asst. football coach who first reported seeing Jerry Sandusky and the boy in the showers back in 2001. But then did nothing further. Uh, Mike, if you had REALLY blown the whistle, you wouldn’t be in the mess, career and otherwise, that you are in now.

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North Carolina passed that state constitutional amendment saying marriage is between a man and a woman. So if you’re a state resident who wants to marry someone who looks like you, you’d better stick to relatives.

 

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Rush Limbaugh is fighting back against his anti-woman reputation by touting his new “National Organization for Rush Babes.” Now, nothing against conservative women, but “Rush Babes?” What’s the requirement, a bust size larger than your IQ?

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Coming soon, the TSA strip club?

May 8, 2012

The CIA apparently has thwarted a second airline underwear bomber. Let us all pray that doesn’t mean another item we need to remove at TSA checkpoints….

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If they do start checking out underwear I see new career opportunities for some of those furloughed from the Secret Service.

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Researchers at Duke University said that by 2030,  42% of Americans will be obese.  And most people who’ve been to Disneyland or U.S  beaches in the past couple years responded – wait, that many aren’t already?

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A New Zealand study predicts that robot-human marriage is in our future. Who’d a thunk it? Ann Romney – trendsetter.

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SF Giants have committed 33 errors, most in the majors. As the manager in Bull Durham said “It’s a simple game, you throw the ball, you hit the ball, you catch the ball.” Is the 2012 team motto “Two out of three ain’t bad?”

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Not a good day for the Giants all around.  As reliever Guillermo Mota was suspended 100 games for a banned substance.  Considering that his ERA is 5.06,  maybe Mota’s defense is that  with a 5.06 ERA whatever he was taking sure wasn’t performance enhancing.

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Morning headline: “Stocks waver on Europe jitters.” This isn’t a stock market, it’s a financial remake of “Groundhog Day.”

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Cole Hamels after he hit Bryce Harper “I was trying to hit him, I’m not going to deny it.” Forget being suspended for throwing at the rookie, Hamels should be suspended for being stupid enough to admit it. –

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(The postscript, , MLB suspended Cole for five games. Which with the Phillies’ schedule means that Hamels will be back just in time for his next scheduled start. Yeah, that’ll teach him.)

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The San Antonio Spurs swept the Utah Jazz in the first round of the playoffs. And this year for the Spurs has been their usual mix of team play, little media attention, and no tabloid drama. Are we sure they really are part of the NBA?

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The South is different. Apparently a South Carolina driver was ticketed for “an obscene display” for having replica testicles on his bumper. Well, the state is so conservative I’m amazed they don’t consider an Obama bumpersticker an obscene display.

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Following an April boycott initiated by the Catholic League, Delta Air Lines has pulled their sponsorship from Jon Stewart’s “The Daily Show” Makes sense, with all the pilots they’d had arrested for DUI’s Delta needs passengers who pray a lot.

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A new study indicates that people who have depression symptoms in middle age may be at increased risk of dementia decades later. Great, one more thing to be depressed about.

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Former Saints lineman Anthony Hargove apparently said in his statement that he was told to “play dumb” about the bounty program. Telling an NFL player to play dumb? Now there’s a stretch.

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This story from Kissimmee, Florida, not far from my high school – A 28 year old former teacher is being accused of having her 16-year-old student pulled out of class and then leading him to a closet to have sex. Once again, evidence of why we shouldn’t have heterosexuals allowed in the classroom.

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Open note to the San Francisco Giants: To win a game it is generally advisable to score more runs than you commit errors.

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John McCain said that the overriding reason he chose Sarah Palin as his running mate was her qualifications. And millions of voters said “Yikes, he’s older than we thought.”

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Morning after:

May 7, 2012

May 5 was Cinco de Mayo. May 6 for many Americans was “I’m never drinking tequila again” day.

 

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Talk about the worst of times and the best of times: Baltimore DH Chris Davis went 0-8 at the plate today, then came in and pitched a scoreless 17th to get the win for the Orioles over the Boston Red Sox today.

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Albert Pujols finally got his first home run in the AL. The Angels hope they each don’t end up as expensive as Zito’s wins have been for the Giants.

 

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A former asst vice chancellor at UC Berkeley, has been fired after doubling the salary of her male subordinate,  17 years younger than she was, during their 15-month affair.    Well, I guess equality in the workplace does mean the opportunity for women to be as stupid as men.

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George Lindsey, who played Goober Pyle on “The Andy Griffith Show,” has died. Okay, wonder who in heaven is getting that talking dog ready.

 

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Men’s Health magazine has listed the “Smuttiest Cities in America,” based on the number of adult-entertainment stores and the rate of internet porn searches. And #1 is — Orlando. Well, guess dads have to do something after those long days at Disney World.

 

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Apparently the National Christmas Tree located on the White House lawn has died. Waiting for the first Republican to blame Obama. Or at least Bo.

(As my friend Ian says,  just proves what they’ve been saying, ” Obama hates Christmas.”)

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“Were Ronald Reagan in office today, some Republicans would start looking for a ‘real’ conservative to challenge him in a primary.” Another quote from a liberal, right? Well actually former GOP governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

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Chipper Jones, 40, is mad at Jamie Moyer, 49, for accusing him of stealing signs. I guess this episode is baseball’s version of “Grumpy Old Men.”

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Charles Barkley, referring to Mitt Romney “We’re going to beat you like a drum in Nov. Don’t take it personally. You seem like a nice guy, but you’re going down, bro.” Sir Charles may or may not be right, but it’s probably the first time anyone has referred to Mitt Romney as “bro.”

 

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Finally, Bill Littlejohn, on Jared Weaver breaking a tradition of not leaving your teammates during a possible no-hit bid by going to the bathroom in the eighth inning: “Thus, this becomes the first no-hitter ever pitched in relief.”

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Ran for the Roses.

May 6, 2012

One of the points of Kentucky Derby day appears to be to drink enough mint juleps to make those hats look good.

 

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So maybe “I’ll Have Another” won’t win the Triple Crown.  But he also won’t get arrested, won’t give a stupid interview, and all his illegitimate children will at least be conceived deliberately.

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You cannot make this stuff up: On Cinco de Mayo, a Mexican jockey wins the Kentucky Derby in his first try – aboard “I’ll Have Another.”

 

 

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Mormons are different: Mitt Romney’s son Tagg and his wife just welcomed twins conceived through IVF and born to a surrogate. Well, they can afford it, and infertility is rough no matter what your wealth. But the boys are their 5th and 6th children….

 

A thought about Mitt Romney’s son Tagg’s two new twin boys, born by IVF and a surrogate. So what do pro-life folks do with the extra embryos?

 

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Two of the three hikers held in Iran after they accidentally hiked across the Iran-Iraq border are getting married. Hope they are registered for a GPS.

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Shaquille O’Neal received his doctorate in education today from Barry University in Florida. Putting him about 7 1/2 years of university ahead of most college stars today.

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“The Avengers” had the second highest opening day in history with a $80 million take Friday. When asked what they thought of the plot, millions of moviegoers responded “Plot?”

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Okay, for fans of useless baseball trivia. Madison Bumgarner, 22, got a hit and RBI today for the Giants, Jamie Moyer, 49, got a hit, and scored a run for the Rockies. Is this the biggest gap in age ever for two pitchers getting a hit on the same day?

 

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The Angels gave Albert Pujols the night off.   Meaning he contributed as much to their offense as he has on an average night this season.

 

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The original line in “My Old Kentucky Home” is “Tis summer, the darkies are gay.” Now it’s sung “Tis summer, the people are gay.” Amazed being Kentucky, that they haven’t changed it to “the people are happy.”

 

Some buzz on the internet about a man taking pictures as his wife was attacked by cheetahs in a petting pen in South Africa. (The women survived with relatively minor injuries.) But uh, “cheetahs” and “petting pen?” Those are two words that maybe should not be used in the same sentence.

 

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The most exciting two minutes in sports?

May 5, 2012

Today, the first Saturday in May,  is the Kentucky Derby.  For over a 100 years  known as the “Most Exciting Two Minutes in Sports.”

And the Derby still beats out contenders for that  title, like

“How long the Cubs’ playoff hopes last each year.”

“The length of most NBA players’ relationship with their baby-mamas.”

“The time it takes for David Ortiz to run from home to first.”

etc.  (other suggestions encouraged.)

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Lillian Musial died today at the age of 91.   She was married to Stan Musial for 71 years.  To put that in perspective,  that’s about 350 times the length of Kim Kardashian’s last marriage.

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Mariano Rivera, 42, says he will return to MLB from his ACL injury.   ” And why shouldn’t Mariano make it back?   Especiially since he’s such a young man”  -said Jamie Moyer.

The big news Friday from the PGA Wells Fargo Championship was that Tiger Woods has missed the cut this week. Golf fans should stand by for weekend television coverage of what Tiger is doing after missing the cut.

 

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The Saints are in trouble, the Secret Service is in trouble. Moral of the stories? Violence and sex are okay, as long as you don’t pay for them.

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John Edwards apparently referred to his mistress Rielle Hunter as “crazy.” Once again, the two sound perfect for each other.

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MCA of the Beastie Boys has passed away at the age of 47. It’s always way too young to die as a musician when people older than you have no clue about your music.

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Rick Perry says if Mitt Romney doesn’t win “God help us.” And God is thinking, wait a minute, I’m already working on helping Texas survive your being Governor.

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The Bill Buckner ball from the 1986 World Series just sold at auction for over $400,000. Have to wonder if the new buyer promptly dropped it?

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Love and marriage

May 4, 2012

Bill Clinton said that Hillary didn’t even tell him about the U.S. mission to kill Osama bin Laden. Who a thunk it? There are secrets in that marriage.

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Chris Harrison, the host of TV’s “Bachelor/Bachelorette” has split from his wife of 19 years. Wow, if anyone is an expert on the grass not being greener…

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Chris Bosh was  uncertain for the Heat’s game 3 against the Knicks as his wife gave birth to a son early Thursday morning. Shocking. An NBA player had a baby with his WIFE?

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Michele Bachmann endorsed Mitt Romney on Thursday. Guess Michele’s trying to prove that even though she didn’t get the nomination, she’s still capable of making those tough decisions

Mariano Rivera has sustained a knee injury and could be out for the season. From all accounts he’s a nice guy. Still, “What bad luck, I’d hate to see that keep them out of the playoffs,” said no one who isn’t a Yankees fan.

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Snooki has called the “tanorexic” mother crazy for putting her five year old daughter in a tanning booth. Let’s hope this doesn’t turn out to be the carrot calling the pumpkin orange.

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A shareholder discovered that new Yahoo CEO Scott Thompson lied about having a bachelor’s degree in computer science. Wonder if he found the information on Google.

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The number of people seeking unemployment benefits fell last week by the most in nearly a year, which economists say is a hopeful sign that hiring could pick up in coming months. Think it’s time for another look at Obama’s birth certificate.

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Jeremy Lin said about his knee that “It doesn’t look good for game 4.”    Neither do the Knicks.

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Levi Johnston, Bristol Palin’s baby daddy, is now expecting an (unplanned) daughter with his current girlfriend. He says they plan to name her “”Breeze Beretta.” — Beretta “like the gun.” To quote Church Lady “Well, isn’t that special.”

(My friend Michael M. adds “One more of those and Levi could get a job in the NBA.”)

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Notre Dame QB Tommy Rees, 19, is in jail following his arrest for resisting police, felony battery to law enforcement, and public intoxication following a confrontation with police during a party last night. Insert “Fighting Irish” joke here:

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Just one of us.

May 3, 2012

Ann Romney wore a $1,000 blouse on television Thursday. Although the designer said it was an off-the-rack item and not one that was especially made for her. So can’t imagine how Ann is getting an increasingly out-of-touch reputation.

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Congrats to Jared Weaver of the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim on his no-hitter tonight. And he didn’t even get to pitch against Albert Pujols.-

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Magic Johnson says the Los Angeles Dodgers will reduce the price for general game parking from $15 to $10. Makes sense. $15 seemed a little steep for the 90 minutes or so between the third and seventh innings.

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Spirit Airlines has long charged for carry-on bags that don’t fit under the seat. Now in November travelers who don’t pay that fee until they get to the gate to $100 PER bag. Well, the new policy may cut down on boarding time. If it doesn’t result in arrests for assaulting airline employees.-

 

Zito vs. Zambrano Tuesday night at A T & T Park.   Darn shame they couldn’t have  had the national anthem done by Z.Z.Top.

 

Newt Gingrich finally dropped out of the Presidential race. What is it about this man never knowing when to quit – unless a marriage is involved?

 

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Rick Perry said today that God forgives people for their “oops” moments. Makes sense, Perry might be one of God’s “oops” moments

 

Amar’e Stoudemire said it “wasn’t like I had a closed fist and just punched through the glass. I just walked by, wanted to make some noise, swung my arm, hit the fire extinguisher door….” So his defense is that he was dumber than he was angry?

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Oil Can Boyd says he used cocaine every day when he pitched for the Red Sox in 1986, a year he won 16 games in 1986 with a 3.78 ERA. Talk about things going better with Coke.

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The story last week on new Romney advisor Richard Grenell was that he had scrubbed hundreds of anti-women tweets. Today Grenell resigned, apparently over conservative ire that he was openly gay. So the message is clear: You can attack women all you want, as long as you sleep with them..

 

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On a serious note, while no one knows for sure what led to Junior Seau’s reported suicide, it does seem as if playing NFL football is increasingly bad for your physical and mental health. 

If the league is serious about protecting players, two suggestions: 1. Steroid suspensions have to be at least for a season. 2. Illegal hits that injure an opposing player should result in a suspension for the length of the injury, or the season. Otherwise the bounty punishments are just window dressing. IMHO. 

And R.I.P. Junior.

 

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Well hidden

May 2, 2012

Ann Romney says of Mitt that “There’s a wild and crazy man inside of there.” Right, and Hillary Clinton says there’s a monogamous man inside of Bill.

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Newt Gingrich said that it’s “clear Romney is the nominee and the focus should be on defeating Obama. We should not focus on defeating ourselves.” Surprised he didn’t add about the latter sentence “For my part, been there, done that.”

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Facebook has a new way to share your organ donation status with your friends, and link to state databases where you can sign up online. And if you use the app while driving, it may get you to donor status quicker.

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Definition of “politicizing” a foreign policy victory: Any time your opponent is bragging about one of theirs.

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John McCain, when asked if President Obama’s surprise trip to Afghanistan was a political move, responded, “Well I think it’s a good thing, I think it’s always good when the pres. goes to where our young men and women are in harm’s way.” Well, that ought to be enough for some in the GOP to brand McCain as a RINO.

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Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom have said their reality show “Khloe and Lamar” is going on “hiatus” while they take a “little time off for family time, kids, basketball, Olympics, you never know.” Millions of Americans responded, great move. Come back when you have grown grandchildren.

The Dow closed at a four year high today. And over at Romney headquarters someone is going “Quick, someone find out what other pet-type animal Obama ate when he was a child in Indonesia.”

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Albert Pujols’ homerless drought continues: I blame Obama.

All these May Day demonstrations come just days before Cinco de Mayo. If the Occupy and Labor folks really wanted to call positive attention to the day they’d hand out free margaritas.

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Definition of “politicizing” a foreign policy victory: Any time your opponent is bragging about one of theirs.

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Regarding a top ten list for  next week,  I’m looking for non-original comments this time  – the most unintentionally funny line of the week.  Things like Joe Biden saying Obama has a “big stick”, or  Ann Romney saying her husband is a “wild and crazy guy.”    Just suggest lines in comments along with who said it.

Not quite a top 10 on new names for Metta World Peace.  To quote Gary Radnich, ‘nobody cares.”

But five good ones.

5. Anonymous:  Metta WWF Peace.

4.  Scott Ostler:  World Peace LOL

3. Mr. Irrevelant.

2. From PBen :  “Meh, World Peace.”

1. From Gary Bachman:  NucleArtest

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Mayday!

May 1, 2012

Amar’e Stoudemire apparently punched a glass fire extinguisher after the New York Knicks’ loss to Miami. He did as well against the glass as his team did against the Heat.

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Stoudemire’s self-inflicted cut hand probably means he’s done for the season. Now, New Yorkers are used to sports embarrassment this time of year. But usually the Mets are involved.

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Are they going to have to change all the signs on fire extinguishers at arenas across America? In case of loss, don’t break glass?

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What’s the difference between Albert Pujols and Amar’e Stoudemire this spring? Stoudemire has at least proved he can hit with power.

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The SF Giants are off to another start of great pitching and so-so hitting. But haven’t heard too much from those fans who wanted them to make a run at Albert Pujols.

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Today is the last day of April. Which means NBA fans can only look forward to two more months of playoffs.

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NBA fans still shaking their heads at the Grizzlies blowing a 27 point lead against the Clippers. What’s more amazing, a team played that badly down the stretch, and Lebron James wasn’t involved.

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Regarding all these May-Day protests, one of which will shut down some morning commuter ferries in the San Francisco area: Now, I’m generally supportive of workers over big corporations, but is it really the way to build support for your cause by making it more difficult for other working men and women to get to their jobs?
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The Charlotte Bobcats, whose 7-59 record was the first in NBA history, will not renew coach Paul Silas’ contract. But if the Bobcats really wanted to punish Silas, they would have had him coach a few more years.

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NBA commissioner David Stern was asked if he thinks all the major injuries this year, including Derrick Rose’s ACL tear, had anything to do with the lockout caused condensed schedule. “”I don’t think it’s related at all. Zero.” What’s next, Stern proclaiming players really don’t smoke pot or father out-oft-wedlock children either?

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Munich police arrested a man after he tried to pay for a taxi ride with marijuana because he was not carrying any cash. Silly guy, that only works in California.

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Kim Kardashian now apparently wants to become a comedy star. It’ s not enough for her that’s she’s already a punchline?
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A report says that the Tigers’ Delmon Young will be suspended by MLB for his alleged involvement in a New York fight and anti-Semitic remarks. Wonder if Young will use his free time to take in a few Mel Gibson movies?

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The GOP is accusing President Obama of exploiting the 1-year anniversary of the raid that killed Osama bin Laden for political purposes. Right, and if Seal Team Six had failed, I am sure Republicans would have never have mentioned it.

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House of Ill-Repute?

April 29, 2012

After the recent scandal, new rules will bar the Secret Service from visiting “non-reputable” establishments. Hmm, will they make an exception for them to enter the House and Senate?

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Not saying Lindsay Lohan has aged but she looks too old for consideration as Newt Gingrich’s next wife.

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Newt Gingrich now says he will end his Presidential campaign Wednesday. Newt’s announcement had been planned for Tuesday but both his supporters couldn’t make it.

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Ah pitchers. The Rockies placed Jeremy Guthrie on the DL after he hurt his shoulder by falling off his bike. Was he trying to chew gum at the same time?

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Romney adviser Eric Fehrnstrom (Mr. Etch a Sketch) now says that President Obama’s auto bailout was Mitt’s idea. Right, because the way to get your bailout ideas out there is with an op-ed headline “Let Detroit Go Bankrupt.”

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LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian, who became a couple when they were both married to other people, renewed their vows for their first wedding anniversary. Wonder if it was meant as a renewal or a reminder?

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A Polish dentist pulled out all her ex-boyfriend’s teeth after he showed up for an appointment after he dumped her. Were her parting words “Bite Me?”
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Yet another example of why President Obama will win the women’s vote: At Ft. Stewart: “For the gentlemen out there who are not yet married, let me just explain to you: Your goal is to improve your gene pool by marrying somebody who is superior to you.”

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How could anyone think Mitt Romney doesn’t get it….. At a small university in Ohio he told students “We’ve always encouraged young people: Take a shot, go for it, take a risk, get the education, borrow money if you have to from your parents..

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