Archive for the ‘baseball jokes’ category
August 22, 2012
Someone please take away this man’s shovel, he’s dug himself deep enough: Todd Akin, still defiant, says the uproar is about misspeaking “one word in one sentence on one day.” Uh, no, sir, “legitimate” was a bad word, but your whole statement was reprehensible.
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Todd Akin has a new ad running today saying “rape has many victims.” True. Including, when talking about it like an complete idiot, political campaigns.
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Contrary to popular opinion, GOP leaders have already forgiven Todd Akin for his “legitimate rape” firestorm. In fact, today he received a personal invitation to go hunting with Dick Cheney.
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The only really happy person in the GOP this week? Maybe Kevin Yoder, that congressman who went skinny dipping in the Sea of Galillee. Akin did manage to knock his “full disclosure” right off the front page.
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Piers Morgan put an empty chair on his show last night after Todd Akin no-showed an interview. Most Republicans didn’t mind – the chair was far less embarrassing than Akin.
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Akins last-minute cancellation led Morgan to refer to him as “what we would call in Britain a gutless little twerp.” Thereby prompting millions of Americans to wish that Piers was moderating a Presidential debate.
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RNC Chair Reince Priebus said today: “This is the platform of the Republican Party; it’s not the platform of Mitt Romney.” Is that because Romney is more moderate, or because the GOP can’t figure out what Mitt’s platform is either?
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Diana Nyad’s latest attempt to swim from Cuba to Florida has ended. But her proud team said “Nobody in the world would even attempt this, but we did.” Uh, “nobody in the world?” Countless Cubans are thinking “Not exactly.”
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Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are officially single again. Impressive, their divorce proceedings were faster than a Kardashian marriage.
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Mitt Romney on reports that Obama had spent more campaign money than he raised in July. “”We’re a little wiser in our spending than the other side, apparently.” Uh, well with the Super PACS that’s like saying you’re keeping to a budget when you’re living off your parents’ money.
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Former MLB player Jeff Kent is appearing on the next Survivor. Wonder if one of the challenges will involve washing a truck?
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An interesting sidelight on this Melky Cabrera story: Supposedly, positive tests are not announced unless a player’s appeals fail and he is actually suspended. So are there other players who might have come up with say, better fake websites?
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In fact…. Ah Bud, always ahead of the curve: MLB commssioner Bud Selig has banned Melky Cabrera’s associate Juan Nunez from all clubhouses. As if players were lining up to have him design another easily caught fake website.
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Tuesday was the 53rd anniversary of the day Hawaii became a state. As my funny friend Abbe Nelson says “part of a fiendishly clever plot by Kenyan socialists to take over the US 50 years later.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: "legiitmate rape" jokes, Akin jokes, Janice Hough, Mely Cabrera jokes, Piers morgan jokes, Todd Akin jokes, Tom Cruise jokes
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August 21, 2012
For the second year in a row, Wisconsin will start a QB who graduated from his previous school, but had eligibility left so transferred for grad school to keep playing. Wonder if the Badgers tried to recruit Andrew Luck too?
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Of course, all these graduate transfers of older players are certainly, per NCAA rules, for academic reasons. Right. And for readers who believe that, Melky Cabrera has a website he’d like to show you.
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Here’s what I don’t get. Todd Akins said he “misspoke.” “Misspeaking” to my mind is Obama saying he campaigned in all 57 states, or Romney introducing Ryan as the next President of the United States. Saying something you believe is only a mistake when it blows up in your face.
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When Todd Akins said he “understood from doctors” that pregnancy from “legitimate rape” was rare, is it just possible he took that “But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night” commercial a little too literally?”
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Anyone else beginning to wonder if Todd Akins was “shut down” by more than a few women he wanted to date?
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You can’t make this “stuff” up post of the day. Todd Akin, he of the women rarely get pregnant from “legitimate rape” quote, sits on the House Science Committee.
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All these investors bemoaning buying Facebook stock. It could be worse. They could have invested in a business selling SF Giants “Got Melk” shirts.
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Todd Akin is vowing to stay in the Missouri Senate race. And privately a lot of people are hoping he does. Those people are called “Democrats.”
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Marketing fail of the day: A snail mail letter addressed to me personally from the Mitt Romney campaign – “I am running for President of the United States and because you are one of America’s most notable Republicans, I want to personally let you know why.”
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The Boston Red Sox, 11th in the AL in ERA, have fired pitching coach, Bob McClure. Maybe they need to bring back the beer and fried chicken.
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Scott McKenzie, who sang the 1960s anthem “San Francisco”, has died at the age of 73. Funeral attendees will no doubt be asked to “Be Sure to Wear Some Flowers in Your Hair.”
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The Western Athletic Conference apparently will drop football after the upcoming 2012 season. This is shocking – there are still football-playing schools left in the WAC?
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Philadelphia WR DeSean Jackson told ESPN that he didn’t give a full effort in 2011 because he didn’t want to get injured before signing a new contract. Well, that should make all those people who paid full price for Eagles tickets last year feel warm and special.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Akins jokes, college football jokes, Melky Cabrera jokes, NFL jokes, Todd Akins jokes k
Comments: 5 Comments
August 20, 2012
It just gets stranger. Now a story has emerged that Melky Cabrera hoped to use a fake website and a product that didn’t excuse, to claim that he had ordered a tainted supplement by mistake. And thus he would not be suspended…. But, apparently the scheme was as poorly executed as his use of the testosterone.
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A thought on Melky’s website idea to beat the PED charges? Wouldn’t it have been easier to say he found the supplements when he was pushed into that lifeboat?
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Wonder how many other major leaguers have gotten to work on their own websites.
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Ah cellphones. Hard to think that it was less than 20 years ago that if you wanted to share a long, obnoxious conservation with everyone within earshot in a public place, you actually needed to be yelling at someone right next to you.
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According to the NY Post, the Red Sox are now saying a text message sent from Adrian Gonzalez’s cellphone to ownership complaining about Bobby Valentine, was really instigated by former catcher Kelly Shoppach. Ah technology – we’ve moved from “I got the stuff from his locker.” to “he used my phone.”
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Rep. Todd Akin, running for Senate in Missouri, is against abortion in case of rape. But he “understands from doctors, that’s really rare. “If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.” Okay, even by Florida and Arizona standards, this dude is crazy.
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Shame we can’t put Akin in a locked room with some of the men who have said “if rape is inevitable, relax and enjoy it.”?
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The more I think about this Todd Akin rape-pregnancy comment, the more I’m surprised. Not that he’s a Neanderthal. But that as a candidate for the U.S. Senate he hasn’t learned to keep his more extreme beliefs quiet until after the election.
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The Houston Astros, with MLB’s worst record at 39-82, fired manager Brad Mills and two coaches last night. Could have been worse, they could have made Mills stay for the whole year.
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As the ads ramp up for the 2 months of the campaign, voters especially in swing states may to want remember this quote about Citizen United: “the most misguided, naive, uninformed, egregious decision of the United States Supreme Court I think in the 21st century.” From that noted liberal John McCain.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Cabrera jokes, election jokes, Melky Cabrera jokes, steroids jokes, Todd Akin jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
August 19, 2012
Both Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow struggled at QB against in a pre-season game for the NY Jets against the NY Giants. “Bummer. But I’m available.” responded Brett Favre.
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Paul Ryan just blamed President Obama for a Wisconsin GM plant closure that happened BEFORE he took office. Can’t wait until Ryan heads south and blames Obama for the federal response to Katrina.
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IKEA is opening a new hotel chain. Kind of puts a whole new slant on making your own bed.
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Police say a man was shot in the head during a fight in a parking lot near the Arizona Cardinals’ stadium while the Cardinals played the Raiders. Looks alas like even during exhibition games some fans are in mid-season form.
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A United Airlines flight to Berlin returned to Newark, after a possible engine fire during takeoff. Hope the airline credits passengers with the extra frequent flyer miles.
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From Marc Ragovin: Hall of Famer Eddie Murray has agreed to pay $348,000 to settle insider trading chrages. Makes sense, since he is the all-time MLB leader in foul tips.
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The Little League World Series is fun. But anyone who says it’s just about innocence and the joy of the game, has never been through the politics of All-Star team selections. (As a player or parent.)
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Does anyone else with a twisted mind want to see Mitt Romney answer a question on what he thinks of Pussy Riot?
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A 28 year old Texas high-school teacher was convicted on 16 FELONY counts of “an inappropriate relationship between a student and teacher” after a cellphone video showed her having group sex with five 18-year-old students. Most men hearing this story were appalled – “Where were these teachers when I was in high school?”
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18 runs in two games – more than an average YEAR for the SF Giants at Petco Park. Maybe getting a star teammate suspended was what the team needed for a natural PED.
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Danica Patrick ran over a shoe that ended up on the track in Montreal, and before ESPN thought to bleep it out, radioed her crew about the resulting damage to the car – “My steering is [bleeped] up.”
ESPN apologized, but hey, a few more of those moments might really increase NASCAR ratings. Especially with the all important younger male demographic.
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Got to love USC #1 in the AP poll in their first year back from sanctions. Aided by a top RB transfer from Penn State.
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Okay men, laugh away. But I have fought the Ikea nightstand assembly manual, and won.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: college football jokes, IKEA jokes, Janice Hough, NY Jets jokes, Paul Ryan jokes, Tebow jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
August 17, 2012
UNC has admitted that an internal probe found that over 54 classes, which were compused of more of half athletes, were either ” aberrant” or “irregularly” taught from 2007-2011. Wonder if the Tarheels’ defense will be that they were hoping to apply for membership in the SEC.
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Dismissed LSU star Tryann Mathieu is now apparently in rehab. Well, if this football stuff doesn’t work out he has a potential real future in politics.
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This season, the NFL will require any fans who get ejected for bad behavior to take a 4-hour online course before they are allowed back into the stadiums again. 4 hours? Sounds like about as much time as many NFL players spent on their courses in college.
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Rudy Guiliani said that Joe Biden “has become a laugh line on late night television.” Interesting quote from a guy who is no longer relevant enough to be a “laugh line” on late night television.
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Here’s more of the quote from Rudy: ““But I think the vice president of the United States has become a laugh line on late night television. I mean, I’ve never seen a vice president that has made as many mistakes, said as many stupid things. … There’s a real fear if, God forbid, he ever had to be entrusted with the presidency, whether he really has the mental capacity to handle it. I mean, this guy just isn’t bright. He’s never been bright. He isn’t bright. People think, ‘Well, he just talks a little too much.’ Actually, he’s just not very smart.”
Amazing, might be the longest statement Rudy’s ever made without mentioning 9/11.
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Apparently customs in Los Angeles seized a $18 million (!!) shipment of fake Louboutins from China. Just figured I’d post something that most of my men friends are as clueless about as SOME women say they are about the sports posts.
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Donald Trump, asked about Obama’s popularity with women said “Maybe (they) don’t know him. Maybe they don’t get what is going on.” Uh, really? On the other hand most women DO know that the Donald is an egotistical a**hole.
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A giant sculpture known as “Touchdown Jesus” near Cincinnati that burned to the ground in 2010 is being replaced by a new “Hug Me, Jesus.”. The new figure has arms outstretched rather than raised high. Guess they figured touchdowns in Bengals country were unrealistic.
Laura Townsend said the old one looked like it was surrendering… so maybe it referred to the Bengals and local police?
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Mitt Romney says he paid “at least 13% in taxes” for the last 10 years. And why should Americans doubt anything a politician says?
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Jennifer Granholm, forbidden ffrom ever running for President due to her being born in Vancouver, with one of the more succinct statements on Mitt Romney and his taxes: “I hate to get all Jerry Maguire on him but show me the money!”
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From my friend Gary Bachman: Alex Rodriguez has listed his Miami home for $38 million. The home boasts nine bedrooms, 11 bathrooms, and 426 mirrors.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: college football jokes, Janice Hough, LSU jokes, NFL jokes, Trump jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
August 16, 2012
An upcoming NY Magazine article apparently features this quote from Kobe Bryant’s wife Vanessa: “I certainly would not want to be married to somebody that can’t win championships. If you’re sacrificing time away from my family and myself for the benefit of winning championships, then winning a championship should happen every single year.” Sounds like a couple who really deserves each other.
Vanessa Bryant also apparently has had some work done,but she denies it was because of Kobe. Might be true, Vanessa could be hoping to trade up to more (and more frequent) rings..
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Arizona, bidding to take the “crazy” lead from Florida, with an assist from Ohio:. State Sen. Lori Klein invited Ohio congressional candidate Samuel Wurzelbacher (“Joe the Plumber”) to speak at her fundraiser. Where he said the government should “put a damn fence on the border going with Mexico and start shooting.
This year’s deficit, over $1.3 trillion. Mitt Romney says he will cut the $444 million a year the government spends on the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, which includes local stations and PBS. So I guess now “C is for Cookie Crumbs.”
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“To circumvent (baseball’s PED) test is like taking candy from a baby. It’s easy to circumvent. I call it the ‘duck-and-dodge’ system. The only people that get caught are the dumb, and the dumber.” Victor Conte, quoted in USA Today.
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Was at PNC Park in Pittsburgh today, they introduce LA Dodgers lineup and no one even boos. What is with these people?
(and no, Todd Harris, it is NOT because the Dodgers are beloved.)
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Sometimes a headline says all you need to know, like this one from Sfgate.com: “Girl who appeared on NBC’s Today after a ruckus over a flirty yearbook photo behaves badly at mother-daughter kegger.”
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Over 100 FedEx workers were treated for exposure after a forklift accidentally punctured a barrel of concentrated chili peppers used to make pepper spray. Yikes. Let’s hope TSA doesn’t start categorizing Tabasco as a prohibited substance.
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From T.C. in B.C. – Canada achieved just 1 gold medal this Olympics. Good news is there’s a Ontario Great Lakes Org attempting to get “Polluted Beach Volleyball” added to the 2016 events.
I don’t know, T.C. what about Beach Curling?
and a short op-ed from my friend Todd Harris, who is right about many things if not his baseball team.
“So the Dow is steadily over 13,000 for the first time in about four years. The housing market (at least in California) is rebounding. Unemployment is inching down. We have a system in place for health care for everyone. The auto industry has been restored and banks (deservedly or not) have been saved. The wars that were burning us four years ago are ramping down. And we have a smart, caring, relatable, and steady guy at the helm who respects the rights of everyone, particularly women and minorities. Oh, and he’s for renewable energy and affordable education for all. And we should trade this out because?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Kobe Bryant jokes, Mitt Romney jokes, steroids jokes, Vanessa Bryant jokes
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August 16, 2012
Or at least for the San Francisco Giants, no crying over spilled Melk.
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Well, on the brighter side at least the SF Giants hadn’t signed a multi-year deal with Melky Cabrera…
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A thought about the Melky Cabrera suspension. What’s more shocking, that he got caught, or that he admitted it: “My positive test was the result of my use of a substance I should not have used.” (What, no “tainted” supplement or “I got it from a friend?”)
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Giants fans are thinking, if a iconic SF Giants player had to test positive this year for PED’s and get suspended, what a shame that it wasn’t Tim Lincecum.
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A new book said Joe Paterno sobbed after being fired from PSU, saying “My name…I have spent my whole life trying to make that name mean something. And now it’s gone.” And all it might have taken to keep that good name was one phone call to the State College police.
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Pac 12 commissioner Larry Scott doesn’t like the USA Today coaches’ poll, saying it’s 1 – a conflict of interest, and 2 – coaches are focused on their own games. (And of course the unsaid 3 – East Coast and Midwest coaches never vote for teams out West.)
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Ah border wars: A FB group has sprung up asking for “American only hours” at Costco, saying that the store “should make a special time during the day that is American members only.” Texas or Arizona? No, Bellingham, WA. Oh, those pesky Canadians.
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Wonder how long it will take for the Yankees to ask for the All-Star game results to be thrown out so they have a chance for home field advantage?
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Congrats to Felix Hernandez of the Seattle Mariners on his perfect game. And for making the Tampa Bay Rays, at least, look like a lineup that was PED free.
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Meanwhile, back in the innocent world of college sports…. The University of Alabama self-reported 27 NCAA secondary rules violations over the past year, mostly regarding texts and phone calls. 6 were from men’s basketball, and 4 were from football. Other than that, the program was completely clean. Right.
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All this GOP outrage over Joe Biden’s “put you in chains” comment. Where were they last year? When Rick Santorum said in Iowa “They will put you in chains called ‘Obamacare,’ and you will never break away.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Biden jokes, Janice Hough, Melky Cabrera jokes, PED jokes, SF Giants jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
August 11, 2012
Well, I heard they were doing a remake of the Munsters.
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This post written at 300a Eastern time on Saturday. But hey, at this point Romney’s choosing Paul Ryan as a running mate Saturday will be as much of a surprise as NBC’s tape-delayed Olympic coverage.
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So SF Giants come back from 5-2 road trip to get shut out. The first five by a pitcher with an ERA over 6? Uh, I know United Airlines breaks guitars, do they also break bats?
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Foxnews.com headline: “Sudden gasoline price spikes have experts scrambling for explanation.” I guess California is so blue that the network no longer covers the state, even refinery fires?
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Fareed Zakaria has been suspended by both Time Magazine and CNN for allegedly plagiarizing a New Yorker column by Jill Lepore on gun control. Presumably not just for the copying, but for being stupid enough to think no one still reads the New Yorker.
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The top commander at Lackland Air Force Base was relieved of his duties over a sex scandal where allegedly “dozens” of female recruits were sexually assaulted or harassed by their male instructors. Proving once again the dangers of allowing heterosexuals in the military.
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Hope all of the people enjoying watching the U.S. women pile up the medals in London also support Title IX.
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Anyone else who used to watch Jackie Gleason reruns think that synchronized swimming is basically the June Taylor dancers going to Sea World?
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Man U had a disappointing debut today on the New York Stock Exchange. Of course, part of that problem might be that a lot of Americans are thinking “Whats Man U?
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LSU’s star DB Tryann Mathieu was kicked off the team for an unspecified athletic department violation. Sounds like when it came to the rules, that Honey Badger should have cared.
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Good one from my friend Jim Barach. “UCLA football coach Jim Mora was bragging about his school, saying there are no murders within a block of the campus. O.J. Simpson’s Brentwood house was 2 1/2 blocks from UCLA.
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Question of the afternoon, which school will “Honey Badger” Tyrann Mathieu transfer to for “academic reasons?
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Due to NCAA investigations of allegations that he had a falsified high school transcript, Auburn freshman RB Jovon Robinson is being held out of practice. Robinson hopes to return this year in time to play and become academically ineligible for 2013.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, London Olympics jokes, Olympics jokes, Paul Ryan jokes, Romney running mate jokes, Tryann Mathieu
Comments: 6 Comments
August 10, 2012
Wonder how many men were basically ignoring the Olympics as background noise on the television tonight until they heard the name “Destinee Hooker?”
(My friend Rich invites everyone also to Google the winner of the men’s trampoline… Would love to see the headlines if he and Destinee were ever to meet.)
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After their gold medal win today, the U.S. women’s soccer team put on Nike shirts saying “Greatness has been found.” And most of the rest of the world’s athletes said “We didn’t know it had been lost.”
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Gold medalist Aly Raisman, 18, sent, then quickly deleted a tweet about going clubbing in London. She changed it to say she was going to bed early, although 380,000 followers still got the original. Nice to see it’s not just grownups who mess up with technology.
As impressive as platform diving is, am I the only one who has a hard time really getting into a sport where the number one sign of excellence is minimal splash?
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Dwight Howard to the Lakers. Well, this looks either like an NBA championship team, or one of the biggest ego-driven train wrecks in sports history.
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Kobe Bryant was asked if he can learn anything form the younger players on the USA team. “No,” he replied. ”I don’t know if I know it all, but I know more than they do.” Guess Kobe feels as at home as if he were playing for the Lakers.
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The 200m men’s race was the premier event Wednesday night for NBC, even though most all viewers will already know the result. Well, I guess it works for repeat showings of “Titanic.”
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The Cowboys have apparently talked to Plaxico Burress’s agent about signing the free-agent wide receiver. Could be a good fit – Dallas has a strong quarterback, a winning tradition, and loose gun laws.
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Highly Kentucky men’s basketball recruit Nerlens Noel has finally been declared academically eligible. Great, so he can show up in the fall and play his freshman season, before dropping out 2nd semester to declare for the NBA draft.
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Almost eight years after the 2004 Olympics, the IOC is apparently going to strip Tyler Hamilton of his cycling gold medal for doping., and give it to Russia’s Ekimov. “Wow, fast investigative work,” said administrators at Penn State.
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Ann Romney had tweeted Thursday that “in just a few short hours one lucky supporter will win the remarkable opportunity to meet Mitt and his VP pick in person.” Leading to speculation the choice will be announced today. But hey, maybe a “few” hours is like a “few” million, different for the Romneys than for most people.
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Lots of variations on this line, but Marc Ragovin put it very succinctly – ” Did Mitt and Ann fly home from London with Rafalca strapped to the wing of their private jet?”
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From my friend Abbe Nelson: “NASA’s robot Curiosity landed on Mars. Early pictures show no signs of ESPN, beer and porn…making it very clear that men are not from Mars.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: basketball jokes, Destinee Hooker jokes, Janice Hough, London Olympics jokes, Romney jokes
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August 9, 2012
Yet another tape-delayed night at the Olympics about to begin. But with all the online and other spoilers there’s more drama in watching eliminations in American Idol and DWTS.
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A thought about beach volleyball. Bikinis in London seem as incongruous as ads for dentists.
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Much discussion lately about if the Founding Fathers ever imagined what would happen with the 2nd Amendment. On lighter note pretty darn sure the ancient Greeks never imagined Olympic beach volleyball.
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Defending Olympic gold-medal champion race walker Alex Schwazer was kicked out of the London Games for blood doping. Cheating race-walkers? What’s next? Quick, someone set up testing for the Professional Bowlers tour.
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At a press conference after being expelled from the Olympics for blood doping, racewalker Alex Schwazer cried and said he was actually happy he’d been caught, saying he wasn’t “made to deceive people”, and “couldn’t take it anymore.” Hmm, what Alex’s next move, running for office?
Randy Travis was arrested for DUI after crashing his car. Officials said he was “naked, combative,” and threatened police officers. “Drunk, naked, nasty and busted…” Well, Travis is in a lot of trouble, but he’s got some great starter lyrics for his next song.
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Bobby Valentine just said he thinks his Red Sox are a playoff team. And Josh Beckett is thinking, “Hey bro, how much of my beer are have you been drinking?”
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On the pre-game show for their nationally-televised game of the week, ESPN seriously dissed most of the SF Giants lineup. Can they do this every night, please?
(for anyone who didn’t see, Giants 15-Cardinals 0)
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Personally I don’t care if Ann Romney has a whole stable of purebreds. But can only imagine if instead of Ann, it was Malia Obama who had a expensive horse and was entering dressage competitions.
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So the GOP is running a misleading ad saying Obama will let welfare recipients get away without working, when the administration has just implemented a strict waiver program that gives states more flexibility with the rules for things like job training. The waiver originally was pushed by Republicans, including, surprise, Mitt Romney.
(So besides the debates with Obama, this fall will we get to see Mitt Romney debate himself?)
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: beach volleyball jokes, Janice Hough, London jokes, NBC jokes, Olympics jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
August 8, 2012
Mitt and Ann Romney’s horse “Rafalca” did not even advance to the individual finals in dressage. Who’s more disappointed? The Romneys? Or the Democrats, who were hoping for a photo op on the medal stand.
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Any truth to the rumor that “Rafalca” is an African word for “tax write off?”
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Back on the domestic front, Mitt Romney still refuses to release his tax returns, but says that Harry Reid should reveal the source for his accusations. In other words, only the little people need to give out information.
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Have to love all this GOP condemnation of Harry Reid’s accusations about Mitt Romney’s taxes. Where were they when Donald Trump was making accusations about Barack Obama’s birth certificate?
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First it was the trustees, now a group of former Penn State players has announced they are planning to appeal the sanctions against the football team. There’s clearly something in the water in State College’s river of denial.
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This year for the first time the Nittany Lions will have names on the back of their football jerseys. Well, better than adding the Penn State name to the front.
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The Chevron oil refinery fire will apparently spike gas prices all over the West coast. That’s okay, because when Chevron makes record profits they pass those on too by lowering the rates for consumers…. Oops, wait, never mind. Rat b*stards.
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Random Olympic thought. The “Fastest Man in the World” would still end up as lunch for a pack of cheetahs.
(Nice add from Peter Crapo, “Only if he was running alone.”
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If the S.F. Giants’ Barry Zito had pitched any better tonight, NBC would have had to tape-delay him.
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Newt Gingrich will apparently not speak at the GOP convention. Delegates are content with the decision. Comedy writers, on the other hand….
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On the other side of the aisle, Bill Clinton is speaking for the Democrats. And Newt said “I think that will be a terrific opportunity for those of us who served with President Clinton to point out that Barack Obama is no Bill Clinton,” Uh, except Gingrich as Speaker tried to IMPEACH Bill Clinton.
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T.C. on Michael Phelps’ decision to leave swimming “Michael Phelps says he’s has left the pool forever. BONG! The clock strikes 12. HOOKAH blame him?”
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In the “Olympic event most likely to cause lasting international repercussions” pool, who had the US vs. Canada in women’s soccer?
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Mitt Romney jokes, Olympics jokes, Penn State jokes, Ralfalca jokes
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August 5, 2012
Just back from a couple weeks in Europe. Which means trading watching live Olympics in languages I don’t understand where they show the winners, to “cut and paste” late night USA highlights. Remind me to do this again in four years.
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Michael Phelps says he’s not going near the water again. Does that include water pipes?
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New Texas GOP Senate nominee Ted Cruz, said of his desire to cut the deficit, that he’d “be happy to compromise and work with anybody, Republicans, Democrats, libertarians, I’ll work with Martians.” Actually, given the polarization in D.C. these days, Martians might be his best bet.
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Lindsey Graham just called Harry Reid a liar for saying he had heard Romney had not paid taxes for 10 years. The same Lindsey Graham who after Osama was killed said, ” Why doesn’t Obama just clear the matter up? I know bin Laden is dead, but the best way to protect our decisions overseas is to prove that fact to the rest of the world.”
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President Obama’s 51st birthday was yesterday. Assume Donald Trump sent him a card saying “Prove it.
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The Chicago Cubs, who were swept this weekend by the Los Angeles Dodgers, blew multiple leads in losing today, giving up runs in four of the last five innings. Are the Cubs trying to be the official baseball team of Olympic badminton?
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The Paterno family is demanding an appeal of the NCAA Penn State sanctions. Okay, maybe this isn’t a “quit while you’re ahead” situation, but maybe it’s “keep your mouths shut and quit reminding people” for a while? But then denial may also be a river in State College.
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Clint Eastwood has endorsed Mitt Romney. So where are Karl Rove and all the outraged Republicans who criticized Clint and accused him of being “bought” back in February for that Super Bowl “Halftime in America” ad.
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Which takes less time – the Men’s 100 meter dash, or the coverage NBC devotes to sports where the USA doesn’t do well?
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This is TCU’s first year in the Big 12. And Sunday coach Gary Patterson announced that starting QB Casey Pachall won’t face team discipline after admitting to police in February he had used marijuana and also failed a drug test. Looks like the Horned Frogs will fit in just fine in a major conference.
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Since WNBA and early Women’s March Madness blowout games get extremely low ratings, why does NBC think out of all the Olympics that what we most wanted to see Sunday morning was Team USA beating up on the Chinese?
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All these world records in swimming… Wow. Of course, after Ryan Lochte’s comments about what he does in the pool, maybe all the athletes have an extra motivation to get out of the water as soon as possible.
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So regarding this “kiss-in” at Chick-Fil-A between same sex couples, including a lot of lesbians. Wonder how many conservative men showed up just “to keep an eye on what these ungodly people are doing.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Joe Paterno jokes, NBC jokes, Olympics jokes, tape delayed jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
August 3, 2012
Bizarre watching the Olympics on a European channel: No tape delay, no “up close and personal,” just nonstop sports. What a concept.
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Understandable that NBC wants to show Olympic events in prime-time. Less understandable that some Americans are probably falling asleep at work because they stayed up until nearly midnight to watch an event that happened over 8 hours ago.
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If NBC can only wait a little longer they will have one day’s events shown after the next day’s events actually happen/
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Got to love headlines you only see in the Olympics – as in “Archery upset.” Or as Augie says “Badminton scandal.”
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Americans are getting so excited about the USA swimming team that a few people are even thinking of watching a post-games event or two before the next Olympics.
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But really, if they made hot-dog eating an Olympic event where the US had a good chance for gold, Americans would tune in. And NBC would tape-delay it.
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Re that record breaking 16 year old Chinese girl swimmer: Any truth to the rumor she’s trying to enter next year’s Home Run Derby?
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From Bill Littlejohn: Vanessa Bryant is reportedly upset at Kobe for a photo taken of him at a Team USA party. Which means that he has just gone from playing for the gold to playing for the diamond.–
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Mitt Romney said today that Harry Reid needs “to put up or shut up” with his accusations that Romney didn’t pay taxes for years. Gosh, if there were only a way to settle this once and for all…..
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Okay, I think I understand Romney’s position of the day on the economy. The 163,000 jobs created last month were in spite of Obama. The 8.3% unemployment rate is all his fault.
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Mitt Romney’s website is selling decals saying “Government Didn’t Build My Business, I Did.” Is Mitt also saying that government can’t do a thing about unemployment?
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For any of you who are tired of reading about Olympics results featuring professional athletes playing at amateur sports, the first USA Today college football poll shows LSU and Alabama 1-2…. Oops, never mind.
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Chicago’s O’Hare Airport Terminal 2 was closed and then reopened due to an unspecified “possible suspicious item.” What, did some airline actually try to give away something free?
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From Marc Ragovin: Scandal at the Olympics, as the Chinese and South Korean women’s badminton teams have been accused of tanking early round games to ensure more favorable matchups after reseeding. Word is the authorities were tipped off by a little birdie.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Olympics jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
July 31, 2012
The University of Central Florida men’s football and basketball teams have been banned from postseason play for a year because of recruiting violations. Proving once again, that the NCAA is really serious about their rules, as long as you are a mid-level or below D1 program.
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It’s all about perspective. U.S. papers are either decrying the men’s gymnastic results, or ignoring them. Meanwhile, British papers are thrilled with their bronze medal, even though maybe it should have been a silver.
Meanwhile, good luck finding an average citizen in either country who can name a member of either team.
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Mitt Romney aide to the media covering his foreign policy tour in Warsaw. “Kiss my ass. This is a Holy site for the Polish people. Show some respect.” Is this a campaign or an episode of the Sopranos?
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As much as half of India may now be without power. Clearly we need to blame Obama.
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Got to love it, now NBC is spoiling their OWN coverage. (Moments before airing Missy Franklin’s tape-delayed Olympic victory in the 100-meter backstroke, NBC ran a promo for Tuesday’s edition of “Today” that said this: ”When you’re 17 years old and win your first gold medal, there’s nobody you’d rather share it with.”)
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At Penn State, trees have been planted at the site formerly occupied by the Joe Paterno statue. Presumably they were all planted turning away from the gym and the showers.
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With the internet, Twitter, FB, etc. NBC’s tape delayed Olympic coverage is less “plausibly live” than Larry King.
Missy Franklin, who will be a high school senior this year, won a swimming gold medal for the U.S. in the 100 meter backstroke. The only unhappy people in America? Other high school seniors competing against her for college admissions.
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Congrats to Missy Franklin AND Dana Vollmer for their success in the water this week. May their fame and commercial success last as least half as long as that of a “reality star” from Jersey Shore.
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Logan Morrison of the Miami Marlins tweeted a sarcastic anti-breastfeeding comment about Nordstrom’s “nothing makes me want to spend $$ like women breastfeeding in your store.” Uh, Logan, nothing makes women want to attend baseball games like the prospect of cheering for a neanderthal.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Olympics jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
July 26, 2012
Ah, we really know the Olympics are almost here. Nine athletes, including Olympic bronze medalist runner Nataliya Tobias, have tested positive for “sophisticated doping” offenses.
(of course, have to wonder, if they are REALLY sophisticated, how many haven’t been caught?)
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-President Obama’s re-election campaign is taking the high road with Rafalca, Ann Romney’s dressage medal candidate. A spokeswoman said “We are rooting for the Romney horse in London.” (And no doubt, the last-night comedy feast if Rafalca wins a gold.)
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It’s on, it’s off, it’s on, it’s off. Now Dwight Howard says he still wants a trade. This guy’s had so many positions on the subject he might be angling for a place in a possible Romney administration.
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London organizers accidentally played the South Korean national anthem for the North Korean women’s soccer team. It’s times like this I really miss Sarah Palin.
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LSU has offered a talented kid named Dylan Moses a football scholarship. Moses said: ” It means that all my hard work is paying off. All the two-a-days and practices from when I was six on up, it’s paying off right now.” Dylan won’t be starting for the Tigers soon though, he’s 14 years old and going into 8th grade.
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Mitt Romney on the Colorado shooter, telling NBC why stricter gun laws wouldn’t help: “This person shouldn’t have had any kind of weapons and bombs and other devices and it was illegal for him to have many of those things already. But he had them.” Uh, maybe Mitt should learn what the laws are before he changes his positions on them.
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You cannot make this “stuff” up. Penn State penalties are supposed to show that no college football program is above the “law.” And one of the first “casualties” for the Nittany Lions is potentially Silas Reed, the team’s leading rusher, who might be going to USC – in the Trojans’ first year after sanctions made THEM bowl ineligible….
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Mitt Romney’s campaign is trying to backtrack from comments an advisor made that Mitt would do better with Britain because he is “part of an Anglo-Saxon heritage.” Uh, besides the racial slant, how about the fact that a number of Romney supporters probably hear “Anglo-Saxon” and think “darn foreigners.”
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The Mets are 1-11 since the All-Star Break. In New York they are re-dubbing it the “All-Star retirement party.”
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Thought for the night. Another piece of evidence indicating that women are less likely to be homicidal spree killers- the fact that so many men are still alive.
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Chad Johnson, the football player previously known as “Ochocino,” says his problem with the Patriots was “My personality was controlled last year.” Adding “You didn’t hear me at all last year. Zero. Zilch. When my mouth is running, it forces me to perform.” “Thank you, Jesus.” said every sports comedy writer in the U.S.
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Twitter is down. Raising a question for our time “If Twitter goes down in a forest and no one can tweet about it, does it make a sound?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, London Olympics jokes, NFL jokes, Olympic jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
July 25, 2012
Going from the Mariners to the Yankees was apparently Ichiro’s idea. Guess at this point the man wants a ring so bad he’d almost be willing to marry Kobe Bryant.
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Tripp Palin, 3, called his aunt an anti-gay slur on his mom Bristol’s reality show. And just think, we could have put this family a heartbeat away from the White House. Stay classy, Palins.
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A Southern California man was unhappy when a “Batman, The Dark Knight Rises” showing didn’t start on time, so he stood up and yelled “I should go off like in Colorado. Does anybody have a gun?” Whatever charges they bring against him should certainly include felony stupidity.
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In London during the Olympic games, bettors can places wagers on everything from it raining every day, to from UFO sightings, to London’s Mayor catching his hair on fire with the torch. But the real longshot bet – that NBC will show any meaningful event live to Americans in prime time.
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William Staub, who changed exercise forever by inventing the treadmill, died at the age of 96. Apparently he had been seen on one of his machines just a couple months ago. Many Americans really wish he had attributed his long life to never using the things.
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Mitt Romney said Sunday that Australia’s foreign minister, Bob Carr, had told him privately that the United States was “in decline.” And Romney criticizes Obama for paying too much attention to other countries?
A “Good Morning America/ABC News” story on the Penn State scandal and sanctions stated “Perhaps paying the highest price and feeling most victimized are former players.” Uh, I think I can think of some boys and men who might feel more victimized than that.
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Sherman Hemsley passed away far too early at 74. As George Jefferson, a character who could be as much of a bigoted jerk as Archie Bunker, he struck a twisted but real blow for racial equality. Here’s hoping Sherman is already “movin’ on up.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Yankees jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 22, 2012
Can we make “Blowing in the Wind” the new Penn State fight song?
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The Joe Paterno statue has been taken down at Penn State. One angry supporter said “I think it was an act of cowardice on the part of the university.” Uh, following upon a whole lot of SLIGHTLY more cowardly acts.
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Regarding that Penn State statue of Joe Paterno. If/when they bring it back can they install it upside down with JoePa’s head buried in the sand?
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Reports are Penn State will not get the NCAA’s “death penalty.” Will they rename SMU “Chopped Liver” university?
(my friend Steve Moyer suggests ” Perhaps the punishment should be that all the university leaders get fondled and molested by Jerry Sandusky.”)
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Yet another sadly ironic “Be careful what you wish for”: Batman director Nolan in EW worried about being lost amid the glut this summer – “I don’t want to be just another superhero movie.”
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And another serious thought: Some pro-gun types are already saying that more people with guns inside the Aurora movie theater could have prevented many of the killings. Uh, while I hate guns, I have gun owning friends, and believe responsible gun owners can defend themselves. But in the dark, with a smoke bomb, and a lot of people in costume…. ? In this case – more guns would equal a lot more dead.
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And okay, so the guy got the guns legally. If we can’t change gun control laws can we at least change whatever laws allowed him to get 6,000 rounds of ammunition? And/or maybe also figure out some way that when he buys the FOURTH gun within a few months that it doesn’t set off some alarms, somewhere? (Heck, Safeway can figure out if someone in your household used a promo coupon already in a week, the airlines can figure out when you’re trying to get sign-up bonus miles under the same name with credit cards…shouldn’t be that hard.)
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What you’re most likely to hear in New York sports bars these days — “Let’s go Yankees!” and “When does the NFL season start?”
Time to change the slogan to “Let’s Blow, Mets?”
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Even Cubs fans are feeling sorry for Adam Scott.
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And the lighter side story of the day is a young female bear who wandered into a Pittsburgh, PA mall, and was found wandering around a Sears. (It’s a light story because no one was harmed, including the bear.)
The possibilities are endless, but for starters:
Sears’ new slogan? “The place to shop for the bear necessities?”
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Are the “Snakes on a plane” folks paying attention? “Bears in a mall” should be equally appealing?
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“Bears in a mall” has particular comic possibilities… especially if one chomps on a Kardashian.
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More suggestions encouraged.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Joe Paterno jokes, Joe Paterno statue jokes, Penn State jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
July 21, 2012
21 people in San Jose were treated for burns on their feet after a Tony Ribbons “Unleash the Power Within” seminar, which concluded with participants “firewalking” in bare feet over hot coals.
Uh, wouldn’t a better title be “Unleash the Idiot Within?”
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What’s more bizarre? That in late July 2012 Tim Lincecum won to boost his record to 4-10. Or that many skeptics dismissed the win by saying “Oh, it’s only against the Phillies?”
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Our long national nightmare is over. Starting Monday, “The Daily Show” and “The Colbert Report” are back on Direct TV.
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When asked about the new NBA idea to put ads on uniforms, MLB commissioner Bud Selig said “You learn never to say never, but you know, with us, uniforms are really important.” Translation, “The Yankees don’t want ads.”
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Tennessee Titans WR Kenny Britt was arrested this morning for DUI in Kentucky. Okay, so we can’t solve all the problems of the world, but maybe the NFL could start mandating contracts that include players using cars and drivers?
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A large black dog crossing the road in front of Tour de France riders has caused a crash in Friday’s stage of the race. And somewhere a French cat is sitting in the sun smirking and thinking “chien fou.”
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An Oregon woman is selling her house after a divorce with a “For Sale” sign saying “Husband left us for a 22 year old. No adulterers please.” Maybe if she’s lucky she’ll sell it to a gay couple who’ve been together 40 years.
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The U.S. Defense Department is making a special allowance for the San Diego Gay Pride parade, allowing service members for the first time to march in such an event in uniform.
One word: “Fabulous.”
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From Gary Bachman: “Olympic officials will reportedly provide more than 150,000 condoms to athletes at no cost during the London 2012 Olympic Games. The USA Men’s Basketball team asked, ‘What are condoms?’
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Aubrey Huff is going to return to San Francisco for another MRI. Apparently he had a knee setback. “Darn” said absolutely no Giants fans.
Categories: baseball jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Daily show jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes, NFL jokes, Tour de France jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
July 20, 2012
So who’s the least plausible human here?
A scary thought, they’ve all written books.
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According to the Freeh report, Penn State Board of Trustees Chairman Steve Garban was briefed at least twice about the Sandusky case but didn’t inform other board members. Today Garban resigned, saying the past months have been “some of the most painful of my life.” “I feel so sorry for him” – said absolutely no one.
NBA commissioner David Stern now says the league is looking to add revenue by permitting “small ” advertising patches on uniforms starting in the 2013-14 season. Translation, by 2020, Nascar move over.
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Freudian? The Polynesian Cultural Center on Oahu is run by the Mormon church. On my smartphone emails from them show up abbreviated as “Polynesian Cult.”
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Some conservatives love to say how almost 50 percent of Americans pay no federal income tax.
And at least in 2009 that number might have included a certain Presidential candidate….
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Ann Romney on ABC News: “we’ve given all you people need to know” about the family’s finances. Guess this is her version of “Only the little people release tax returns.”
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Former “24” star Kiefer Sutherland is now appearing in a new ad for Axe body spray. Will he now say, for example, that the spray will keep you “cool and confident” between 900p and 1000pm?
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-Rumor has it that aspiring actress Yolanda Pecoraro, a Scientologist, may be the next Tom Cruise. Wonder if they’re just waiting for a couch and a contract.
From my friend Michael Hayne “Maybe Romney’s tax returns are on the roof of his car.” Personally I’m thinking maybe they were on the roof, but the dog ate them.
Actor Fred Willard, known for “Best in Show” and “Anchorman” has been arrested on suspicion of committing a lewd act at a Hollywood adult theater. (He was alone at the time.) Uh, why else would one go to an adult theater?
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So Fred Willard was caught doing what I always presumed men went to adult theaters to do. Isn’t it nice to know the L.A.P.D. has crime so well in hand that they have time to take care of these things?
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Forget the economy, weather and wars, here’s a real sign of the apocalypse: Of the five highest paid TV actresses, two are Kardashians – Kim ($18 million) and Khloe ($11 million.)
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SF Giants today 1 for 8 with RISP (Runners in scoring position, ie, at second base or beyond.) Which has been a problem for most of the season. But okay, at 1 for 8, should we really say “in scoring position?” More like in “standing” or “stranding” position.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Fred Willard jokes, Gringrich jokes, Romney jokes, Snooki jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
July 19, 2012
No, not a joke, Rush Limbaugh is claiming “Batman, the Dark Knight Rises” is part of a liberal media conspiracy against Romney because the villain is named “Bane.” (“Bane” was created in 1993… guess that Obama really thinks ahead.)
Some Penn State students have started a vigil to protect the Joe Paterno statue from vandals. Shame no one on campus was as motivated to protect little boys.
Some critics have questioned new Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer’s ability to run the company while pregnant and planning a (short) maternity leave. Uh, could she do any worse than the last 4 CEO’s?
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Sportsmanship award of the year? When Kobe Bryant was asked what would happen if the USA didn’t bring home the gold medal, he said that U.S. players’ citizenship should be revoked….
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I posted last week that when Romney organized the Olympics the U.S. team was attired in clothing from Roots. A very good Canadian company. Turns out the torchbearer’s uniforms, however, weren’t from Canada. They were manufactured in Burma..
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Love this statement from the Olympic organizing committee back in 2000, about a torch relay uniform controversy. (Ah that darned liberal geography…) “The torch relay clothes were NOT made in Burma. They were manufactured in Myanmar. ”
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Barry Zito is 119-7 lifetime when he has at least four runs of support. So if Zito had signed with the Yankees would he be a future Hall of Famer?
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Who says there’s no bi-partisan agreement in this country? Some Republicans are saying that Sarah Palin should have a major speaking role at the GOP convention this year. And most Democrats agree with them.
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Ann Romney says her husband hasn’t decided yet on a running mate. Actually it’s more likely that he’s decided, then decided again, and is still thinking of changing his mind.
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When asked about his company’s support for anti-gay Christian organizations, Chick-fil-A Pres. Dan Cathy responded “Well, guilty as charged. We are very much supportive of the family — the biblical definition of the family unit.
Wonder if that includes polygamy, marrying your sister in law, slaves, etc…
Supreme Court judge Antonin Scalia said tonight about “Bush v. Gore,” (the 2000 presidential election), “That comes up all the time, and my usual response is ‘get over it.'” So will he say the same thing about the Romney-Obamacare decision?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bain jokes, Bane jokes, Janice Hough, Paterno jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 