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Foreign exchange?

August 9, 2011

Lebron James says that despite the possibility of the lockout cancelling the entire NBA season, he is not considering offers to play internationally. Apparently he’s found out that foreign teams expect you to play all four quarters.

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And in the U.S., football fans are eagerly looking forward to the preseason starting on Thursday.

Meanwhile, up in Canada, Toronto Argonauts fans are saying “Any chance of moving that lockout up here, eh?”

(the Argos are 1-5, losers of five straight, and have been outscored 128-178.)

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San Francisco Giants manager Bruce Bochy says he used a hypnotist to break his habit of chewing tobacco. Good for him, but maybe next he could use the same hypnotist to break his players’ habit of swinging at pitches out of the strike zone?

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The Pittsburgh Pirates had lost ten games in a row before Monday night. Maybe the only way to turn the stock market skid around is to send in the San Francisco Giants.

(And open note here to fans of the Padres, Astros, Mariners, Dodgers etc. Fine by me to use any of these Giants jokes and substitute the team that is currently driving you crazy.)

Some supporters of Michele Bachmann think Newsweek deliberately chose a cover photo that made her ‘look crazy’? In response, Newsweek said that if they really intended to make Bachmann look crazy, they would have filled the cover with her quotes.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger apparently went biking Sunday in an “I SURVIVED MARIA” t-shirt. When they heard about it the Kennedy family allegedly said “Until now, a**hole.”

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Sunday night’s ESPN Game of the Week between the Red Sox and Yankees went four hours, and that’s BEFORE the game went into the 10th innings.

Why wouldn’t MLB try to enforce rules meant to keep the game moving along? Four hours is insane, and I don’t think I can remember seeing so many commercials during a regular season game. Oops, never mind.

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The weird world of investing. The S & P downgraded U.S. debt, so investors started fleeing the market for… Treasury bonds?!

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On the new Pan Am television show, ABC-Disney is trying for 1960’s realism, to a point. There will be no smoking by the flight attendants. No word on further nods to modernity will mean pilots drinking in the cockpit and ATC controllers napping in the control tower.

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Fallout from the SF Giants-Philadelphia Phillies brawl last Friday. The Phillies’ Shane Victorino was suspended three games. Further fallout from the Giants-Phillies brawl. Ramon Martinez and Eli Whiteside be fined and not suspended. As for Bruce Bochy, MLB figures having to play a .216 hitting catcher is punishment enough.

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Jorge Posada, batting .230, has been benched indefinitely as the Yankees catcher/DH. Giants fans are going – “A .230 hitting catcher? This year we can only dream.

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Federal airline ticket taxes are being collected again. And airlines have started rolling back last month’s fare increases, so the prices are likely to be the same. What a coincidence.

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Commie pinko time: S & P, the only ratings agency to downgrade U.S. credit rating, is owned by McGraw-Hill. The CEO of McGraw-Hill, Harold McGraw III, is a big Romney supporter and was part of W’s economic transition team. Coincidence?

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Comments: 2 Comments

Great Scott?

August 8, 2011

Congratulations to Adam Scott on his PGA tour win today with Tiger’s old caddie, Steve Williams. What if a lot of the greatness wasn’t the man swinging the clubs, but the man holding the bag?

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As Berney pointed out could happen yesterday, this win means a bigger payout for Williams than for Woods.

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R.I.P. Mark Hatfield. He was a GOP Senator from Oregon for 30 years (1967-1997. But often took on his own party against the wars in Vietnam and the Persian Gulf. Hard to imagine someone crossing party lines like that today.

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South Carolina QB Stephen Garcia says he “contemplated giving myself a second shot,” by transferring to another school, after his FIFTH suspension at the university. But his teammates convinced him to stay. Another example of the football golden rule. If you have a golden arm, you don’t have to follow the rules.

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Apparently the AFA (American Family Association), the group that sponsored the Rick Perry’s prayer rally, is trying to lead a boycott of Home Depot for contributing to the pro-gay marriage campaign in New York. If I had a handy bone in my body this would get me shopping at Home Depot.

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An offhand thought about the controversy with Tony Bruno’s “illegal alien” comment about San Francisco Giants’ pitcher Ramon Ramirez – How would Bruno have reacted if a San Francisco writer or media type referred to him with a derogatory slur aimed at Italian-Americans?

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David Gergen said today on CNN.com that America needs another leader like Churchill. Maybe, but Churchill was probably both a racist and an alcoholic. He’d never make it through today’s opposition research and media gauntlets.

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Crazy times with the stock market on a roller coaster ride and the U.S. credit rating being downgraded. Fans of consistency can at least take comfort in the knowledge that this weekend both FOX’s MLB Game of the Week and ESPN’s Sunday night Baseball both feature the Red Sox-Yankees.

I am so not a NASCAR fan – but this statement by today’s Sprint winner Brad Keselowski – who drove with a broken leg – was pure class: “I’m no hero. The heroes are the guys that died in Afghanistan this weekend. I’m glad that we could win today, but those are the heroes. I just drive racecars for a living.”

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Comments: 4 Comments

Deer in the spotlights?

August 7, 2011

So MLB has warned players against using a spray made from deer antlers. So how will they test for it? Play “Bambi” in the clubhouse and see who starts crying uncontrollably?

Justin Verlander of the Detroit Tigers is 16-5 in 2011 with a 2.30 ERA. With the San Francisco Giants he might be 9-11.

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Phrase I am getting REALLY REALLY tired of hearing on the SF Giants postgame show. “Fill-in-name-of-Giants-pitche​r pitched a great game and didn’t deserve to lose today.”

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Tiger Woods is 13 shots off the lead in his first tournament in months, and the current leader, Adam Scott, is using Steve Williams, the caddie Woods just fired.

If Scott wins, and even if he just comes close but way ahead of Tiger, I’d like to tip my hat to karma. For being a really impressive bitch.

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Brett Favre quashed rumors that he is considering returning to the NFL with the Miami Dolphins, saying he doesn’t have “any interest.” Translation, he is waiting for an offer from a better team.

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This week is the DEF CON convention in Las Vegas. It’s a 15,000-person gathering of computer hackers. Which answers the question – When do Vegas prostitutes take their vacations?

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The Yankees’ C.C. Sabathia has six losses this year, four to Boston. So wonder when C.C will call the Red Sox his daddy?

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Notre Dame coach Brian Kelly says he won’t pick his starting quarterback until 10 days before the season opener. Makes sense, that not only gives him time to watch the four contenders in practice, but also means his final choice will have less time to get suspended or arrested.

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Open note to Tony Bruno: I completely understand saying something stupid because you are angry -i.e. SF Giants mgr “Bochy is a coward for having his illegal alien pitcher hit a guy”

But saying “saying I apologize for my comments regarding illegal aliens,but I stand behind my comments that Bochy is a coward, People resorting to name calling are more classless and vile.” Uh,Tony, you could have had us at “I apologize.”

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Tiger Woods struggled again today while playing his first tournament in months. Beginning to wonder -what if illicit sex with random women WAS his performance enhancing drug?
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Texas Governor (and probable presidential candidate) Rick Perry spoke at a prayer meeting and said it was to “rally the nation to a Christian unity.” Now, it’s been a while since I studied history, but wasn’t the point for those on the Mayflower to set sail for religious freedom.

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San Francisco and Philadelphia are waiting for MLB to announce suspensions from last night’s brawl. One person involved who probably will escape suspension – Giants hitting coach Hensley Meulens. Because there hasn’t been any evidence he’s been doing anything lately anyway

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Comments: 6 Comments

Pay for performance?

August 6, 2011

The U.S economy still sputters and our credit rating gets dropped to AA+. So when will all those in Congress who want to tie teacher pay to performance agree to make the same deal with their own salaries and results?

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The Senate passed a stop-gap bill to put furloughed FAA employees back to work. No word yet on if the bill includes funding for milk and cookies for controllers at naptime.
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Ohio State football players have been told to stop wearing wristbands saying “J.T.” in support of fired coach Jim Tressel. But really, the players’ regret at losing him is understandable. Many of them have had to take serious salary cuts.

So how weirdly 21st century is this real television ad? – “Fiber One 90 calorie brownies – In the granola bar aisle.”

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Listening to baseball commentators say about an umpire, “he’s got a good strike zone.” Well, I get what they mean, I think, but isn’t the rule book, not the umpire, supposed to determine the strike zone? (Yeah, we can dream, anyway.)

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From Bill Littlejohn: Baseball has sent a warning to its major and minor league players concerning steroid alternatives—-stop ingesting deer antler spray.Bud Selig reportedly said, ‘The Buck Stops Here'”

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Standard and Poor’s downgraded the U.S. credit rating from AAA to AA tonight. In related news, the IRS said that their announced plan to increase audits of ratings analysts was just a concidence.

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A-Rod is not talking about allegations that he was involved in illegal poker games. When will these guys learn? If you really want to do some high-stakes gambling, invest in the stock market.

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With the FAA funding mess, Donna Brazile accused House Republicans of “playing chicken with American jobs.” Not true replied the GOP. We’re only playing chicken with Obama’s job. The rest are just collateral damage.

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MLB sources are indicating A-Rod will not be suspended, despite the allegations of illegal poker games, along with continuing talk about his association with a Canadian doctor known to have prescribed HGH. Proving once again – the Yankees are basically MLB’s version of an SEC football team

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Shame that Eli Whiteside might get suspended for his part in tonight’s Giants-Phillies brawl. Best hitting game the Giants catcher has had all season.

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Trivial rant: Open up most packaged food and the contents fill up about 2/3 of the packaging. The only container that is filled to the absolute brim – microwaveable soups. (Not that anything could go wrong with a full plastic container of boiling liquid.)

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Comments: 8 Comments

Liars, and cheaters, and frauds, oh my.

August 5, 2011

A-Rod’s publicist has issued a statement denying stories about the illegal poker games, adding Alex looks forward to “cooperating with Major League Baseball’s investigation.” Wonder what exonerating evidence there is, or does A-Rod just think he is holding pocket aces?

(or as my friend John Clark said, maybe he knows the cards are stacked in his favor.)

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The new NFL collective bargaining agreement now includes random testing for HGH. You know what that means? The players have found something better.

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So Bridgestone Invitational first-round leader Adam Scott, who shot a 62, is using Tiger Woods’ former caddie, Steve Williams. Woods is six strokes back. And how much would we give to see Woods and Scott paired together on Sunday.

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Priorities, priorites…. The stock market is falling, the debt ceiling deal is at best controversial, and three GOP Presidential contenders, Romney, Bachmann, and Santorum, have announced – they have signed another pledge against gay marriage.

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The mayor of Sunland Park, a New Mexico border town, is trying to get out of nine contracts with an architectural design firm, because he said he was drunk when he signed the contracts. Hmm, this might help explain some previously inexplicable actions of Congress.

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Kraft is going to split their company into two parts – groceries and snack foods. In other words, foods that are bad for you, and foods that are worse for you.

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Jerry Lewis has been abruptly dumped as spokesman and telethon host by the Muscular Dystrophy Association. I hear he wiped out at McDonalds too.

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Roseanne Barr said on the Tonight Show that she is running for President. Well, unlike some of her competition, Roseanne actually has experience as a professional comedian.

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A recent NY Times-CBS News poll showed 82 percent of Americans now disapprove of the way Congress is handling its job. Shocking! 18 percent actually approve?

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Stanford’s football team is ranked number six in the coaches’ preseason poll. To put that in terms USC Trojans can understand, that’s all the fingers on a hand plus one more.

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Two Fox News hosts now said they were joking yesterday when they claimed they felt awkward about commenting on former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin because she’s a fellow Fox employee. Translation, they were reminded they are ALSO Fox employees. For now.

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On Thursday the stock market fell faster than the Pirates’ playoff chances.

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Not a fan of conspiracy theories. But if our corporate masters wanted to schedule the biggest stock market drop of the year, wouldn’t it be a nice jab to put it on Barack Obama’s 50th birthday?

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From Marc Ragovin: So President Obama celebrated his birthday by blowing out the candles on his cake as the lights went out on the economy

Okay, I’ve figured out the economic gospel according to the GOP: When the stock market was at new highs this year, it was all about a cyclical recovery led by corporations, when it fell Thursday it was all Obama’s fault.

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Don’t bet on it.

August 4, 2011

Alex Rodriguez allegedly participated in illegal underground poker games, and MLB sources say he could face suspension. The Yankees are just hoping if so that the suspension is during the playoffs, since A-Rod seldom does much then anyway

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To make this potential scandal worse, Alex Rodriguez had already been warned in 2005 about gambling in underground poker clubs by the Yankees and Bud Selig. Looks like A-Rod may have thought it was double or nothing.

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Being “old-school” used to mean writing on paper. Now it means being addicted to using a keyboard instead of an iPad or iPhone.

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Anheiser-Busch is trying to revive week sales in the U.S. for its flagship brand Budweiser. Wednesday they unveiled a new design for their cans. Uh, how about trying something radical like trying to improve the beer?

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From T.C., with the signing of Plaxico Burress, the NY Giants have officially quashed their “Take No Prisoners” mantra.

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The San Francisco 49ers unveiled a plastic model of their proposed new stadium in Santa Clara. Makes sense, led by Alex Smith, the 49ers may be a pretty good plastic model of a football team.

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Since he was made an emergency starter April 28, Ryan Vogelsong is 9-1 with a league best 2.19 ERA for the San Francisco Giants. Just think, had the Giants given up on Barry Zito earlier, Vogelsong could be the leading candidate for the NL CY Young.

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Notwithstanding today’s 8-1 rout of the D’Backs, the Giants have been worrying their fans lately. Meanwhile, across the bay in Oakland, A’s fans have a response to put San Francisco’s woes in perspective. Four words – “Swept by the Mariners.

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Until today’s 8-1 win the Giants had never scored more than 6 runs in a game at home all year. Gary Morton said went looking for the game on TV this afternoon, saw the score, and figured he had accidentally tuned into the Sci-Fi channel.

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A peacock flew the coop from the Central Park Zoo and hung out on a FIfth Avenue apartment ledge for almost 24 hours. But the bird returned on his own this morning. Yeah, it’s tough to find good long-term subsidized housing in New York.

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Since Congress recessed without approving FAA funding, 4,000 FAA employees and 70,000 airport construction workers have been furloughed. Maybe we could have solved this sooner, along with the debt crisis, if we had put all members of Congress on a jumbo jet on some runway, and not let them off until they had a deal.

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Texas Gov. Rick Perry says he supports states’ right to allow gay marriage — but he also supports a constitutional amendment to ban it. What is it with folks like Perry, Mitt Romney and John Kerry? Their positions don’t last as long as their hair gel.

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In the midst of all the name-calling in D.C., Sarah Palin jumped in saying that if Tea-partiers were “domestic terrorists President Obama wouldn’t have a problem palling around with us. He didn’t have a problem palling around with Bill Ayers back in the day.” “Bill Ayers?” At this point? Does Sarah still have his name in Sharpie on her palm?

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Comments: 10 Comments

Hitting the ceiling.

August 3, 2011

Congressional Black Caucus chair Emanuel Cleaver called the final debt ceiling deal a “sugar-coated Satan sandwich.”

Really? Doesn’t that title already belong to the Krispy Kreme Bacon Cheeseburger? (Yes, it is a burger using doughnuts as buns.)

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The San Francisco Giants have now lost five straight – Tuesday night 6 to 1- and haven’t scored four runs in over a week.

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Showtime is doing a series on the team called the Franchise.

Wonder how long it will take someone to do a movie on the Giants’ lineup? It will be a remake of “Eight Men Out.”
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(Or maybe “Eight Men Out” is the Jeopardy answer to the question. What usually happens when the Giants position players each have a turn at bat with runners in scoring position?)

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The San Francisco Giants seem to have accomplished the impossible. Take a weak hitting team, add two .300 hitters(Beltran and Keppinger), and start hitting…worse?

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Barry Zito is now back on the Disabled List for the San Francisco Giants. “Disabled?” Actually the NFL has a better list title for players in his condition: “Physically Unable to Perform.”

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Any truth to the rumors that as Congress left town they let out a collective cry of “Winning?!”

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Congress went right from the debt bill to summer recess. Without addressing the FAA issue which has resulted in domestic air taxes (and thus funding for air travel projects) lapsing. United Airlines celebrated today by raising international airfares $40.00. You’d think if Congress really wanted higher approval ratings they would get together on re-regulating the airlines.

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Meanwhile, Colorado Rep. Doug Lamborn apologized for calling President Obama a “tar baby.” and said he “absolutely intended no offense.” Really? With the term “tar baby?” This settles it. Lamborn is either a liar or an idiot.

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A New Jersey politician (who at least has been separated from his wife for two years) is under fire since nude pictures he sent to a woman he was flirting with online showed up on the internet. I think I can speak for all Americans in saying, “Thank heaven it wasn’t Chris Christie.”

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Rumor has it that both Kelsey Grammer and Alec Baldwin are both considering future runs for Mayor of New York City. Guess the strategy is, get your scandals out there BEFORE running for office.

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from Gary Morton:

After signing legislation to raise the debt ceiling, the President saw the stock market plunge 266 points. Guess they should have been working on the debt basement.

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Comments: 6 Comments

The proposal.

August 2, 2011

I’m a little confused by this final debt ceiling proposal. Who gave who the final rose?

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Many Americans on both sides would say that we all ended up with plenty of… fertilizer.

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Watching ABC’s previews for “Bachelor Pad.” The perfect show for all those who think the “Bachelor/Bachelorette” is too emotionally restrained and classy.

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Jerry Lewis slammed the show “American Idol,” Saying the contestants are all “McDonalds Wipeouts.” Responded McDonalds Corp, “Who’s Jerry Lewis?”

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Oakland Athletics owner Lew Wolff, speaking in support of his friend Bud Selig, says that for the “good of baseball,” he hopes Frank McCourt will sell the Los Angeles Dodgers soon. Uh, actually, for the good of baseball, many people wish Wolff would sell the hapless As.

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A woman from Kansas is in stable condition after being accidentally run over by a Beach Patrol pickup truck while sunbathing on Daytona Beach. I see a new “safer alternative” advertising campaign for tanning salons.

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Saw the SI.com headline Monday “Bradshaw agrees to return to Giants.” You know you’ve heard too many Brett Favre stories when your first reaction is “Dear Gawd, not Terry too?”

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A joint effort with my comedy writer friend Jerry Perisho: “Jennifer Lopez talks about her marital trouble in Vanity Fair, but please still respect her privacy, ok?”

Like Sarah Palin calling news conferences to promote her documentary and asking the media to leave her family alone.

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Limelight-loving Randy Moss says he is retiring. Even Pete Rose is saying “I wouldn’t bet on it.”

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The New York Jets feel Plaxico Burress will be a positive addition this year Although while the wide receiver is talented, there were other issues -mostly attitude related – with the Giants before he ended up in prison.

If Burress ends up being more trouble than he is worth will other teams feel like they dodged a bullet?

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Rex Ryan said it was a “leap of faith” to sign Plaxico Burress. Well, at least he didn’t say it was a “shot in the dark.”

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Arizona Rep. Gabrielle Giffords has returned to the House floor for the first time since her shooting, casting her vote for the debt ceiling compromise. Apparently Giffords still has some trouble stringing coherent sentences together. This still, however, puts her ahead of many members of Congress.

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San Francisco is placing Barry Zito on the DL again. Nothing personal, but judging by his last few starts, most fans would say that “D” stands for “Disgusting.”
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Actually the only hope for Zito at this point may be to get pitching lessons from Gaylord Perry.

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“Down under” Tiger joke from Augie: Said Tiger, “This will allow me to keep my short strokes down under the minimum so I can get it in the hole easier.”

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Finally, Mitt Romney said Monday he opposes the debt ceiling deal. Which means in about a week he should be supporting it.

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Comments: 5 Comments

Deadlines and more deadlines.

August 1, 2011

The Atlanta Braves lost their 10,000th game as a franchise this weekend. Not to be outdone, the Houston Astros showed at the trade deadline that they aspire to reach that mark this decade.

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Astros GM Ed Wade responded to criticism of the team’s trading away their best players by saying “It’s not a fire sale.” “Fire?” – More like a cremation sale.

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San Francisco Giants manager Bruce Bochy downplayed Miguel Tejada’s comments about returning from the DL as early as this week, saying “He’s still not able to move.”

Responded many regular Giants fans “And this is different from the rest of the season how?”

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From Gary Morton in Seattle: The US Postal Service is going to feature online previews of the stamps in its 2012 collection. That’s great news for insomniacs when the Mariners have a day off.

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Paul McCartney played two concerts this week at Wrigley Field. It’s the latest in the year fans at the stadium can remember seeing so many big hits.

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Watching the debt ceiling process kind of makes me wish Congress also had a trade deadline.

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A United Airlines plane had to divert briefly to Havana, Cuba, when the pilots noticed a burning smell on the plane. You could tell the hardcore frequent fliers on board. While many passengers wondered about being able to buy cigars, they were the ones calculating the extra mileage United owed them.

(The diversion appears to have been about an extra 100 miles)
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New research suggests that fatty foods may not just taste good, they may alter the brain’s response to sadness, thus literally serving as “comfort foods.”

I can see it now – Prescription Happy Meals.

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Not to say that President Obama surrendered on the debt ceiling deal. But he got a congratulatory phone call from France.

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So Plaxico Burress is now a member of the New York Jets. Well, he may not know the team’s playbook, but at least he’s familiar with the state’s penal code.
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Tiger Woods has announced he will play in this year’s Australian Open. Insert “Down under” joke here.

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Campaigning in Iowa, Newt Gingrich said President Obama has been “totally irresponsible.” And who would know totally irresponsible better than a man who left two sick wives for younger women.

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Comments: 6 Comments

Dark times?

July 31, 2011

Nancy Pelosi said of John Boehner during this debt ceiling crisis – “He’s gone over to the dark side.” Wouldn’t a more descriptive phrase be “gone over to the burnt orange side?”

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Dodgers right-handed pitcher Hiroki Kuroda said Saturday that he will not waive his “no-trade” clause for ANY team because he wants to stay with Los Angeles.

I’ll take “Gluttons for Punishment” for $400, Alex.

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Chad Ochocinco called himself a “chameleon” who can “blend in and do it the Patriot way.” What does that mean, red white and blue pompoms?

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The Los Angeles Times is reporting that the McCourts may end up spending $35 million on their divorce. Well, it took a while, but the Dodgers have finally figured out a worse waste of money than Manny Ramirez.

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Meanwhile, Phillies manager Charlie Manuel downplayed talk of great Giants pitching. saying amongst other things “with Lincecum, I saw a 90 (mph) fastball, 92 at best.” Timmy’s great response was that it was probably “frustration” over losing – but didn’t the Phillies “have a guy named Moyer?”

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There are rumors President Obama and Republicans are close to an agreement on a deal to raise the debt ceiling. Said John Boehner – ” In spite of our differences, we’re dealing with reasonable, responsible people.” Responded some angry Tea Party members “Liar, liar, pants on fire.”

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The worst of times, the best of times: Orioles pitcher Zach Britton threw 43 pitches in 1/3 of an inning today against the Yankees. Giants pitcher Madison Bumgarner threw 41 pitches in his first inning. By comparison, Greg Maddux once threw a complete 9-inning game with 76 pitches.

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Talk about outhouse to castle, or maybe cheap seats to the luxury box. Doug Fister, with a 3.33 ERA and a 3-12 record, was just traded from the Mariners to the Tigers. His new teammate, Max Scherzer, has an 4.28 ERA, and a record of 11-5.

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Not to say today’s Detroit Tigers starter Jacob Turner, who turned 20 on May 21, is young. But when a reporter asked him about shaving corners, he allegedly responded “What’s shaving?”

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Commie pinko time: Listening to some in the GOP, corporations are really just benevolent job creators and so deserve all the tax breaks they can get. Today, after months of gas prices near or over $4 a gallon, Chevron reported record profits for the year of over $13 billion. Does this really need a punchline?

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Comments: 4 Comments

Plane insanity?

July 30, 2011

Two Delta planes sustained minor damage when when they ran into each other at Chicago O’Hare airport Friday night. This only two weeks after two Delta planes collided at Boston Logan Airport. Think this could be the end of those cockpit happy hours.

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A woman was kicked off a Southwest flight because she was crying too much. Wow. If this becomes a trend John Boehner is grounded.

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Edwin Edwards, 83-year-old ex-governor of Louisiana has married a 32-year-old woman. They met as penpals while he was serving a federal prison sentence for bribery and extortion. This is the sort of marriage the California Proposition 8 people are defending?

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Cam Newton’s agent texted today that the Heisman winner signed a deal with the Carolina Panthers for four years and “$22 million-plus.”

Wonder how much the Panthers’ paid Cam’s father?
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The Oakland Raiders have just hired a grandmother as one of their cheerleaders. In related news, Al Davis just got a QB resume from Brett Favre.

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The Physician Committee for Responsible Medicine, a nonprofit pro-vegan group, has erected a billboard with a cigarette pack full of hot dogs -and says they are as unhealthy as cigarettes. Uh, maybe, but who ever said it was a good idea to smoke hot dogs?

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Trying to keep support for “Cut, Cap and Balance,” Sarah Palin reminded GOP freshmen in Congress of the promises they made during their 2010 campaigns. Uh, Sarah, wasn’t an implicit part of those promises actually serving out their terms?

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Former astronaut Lisa Novak, the one who made that drive from Houston to Orlando to confront a romantic rival, was banished from NASA with an “other than honorable discharge.” On a brighter note, she’s allegedly already received an endorsement offer from Depends.

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Reading stories about former joint Dodgers’ owners Jamie and Frank McCourt: Millions spent on attorney fees, and constant bickering about how many more millions they need to sustain their lifestyles. It’s a wonder this couple ever got divorced. The two seem perfect for each other.

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A two-week operation in Mendocino National Forest destroyed 460,000 marijuana plants, and U.S. agents also seized 3/4 ton of processed pot. In related news, Krispy Kreme cut profit forecasts 20 percent.

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GOP Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman, running as the “sane” and “civil” choice spoke to a small group of less than 300 college Republicans Friday. Reminds me of when a woman said to then presidential candidate Adlai Stevenson that he had the “vote of every thinking man” in the U.S. Adlai’s reply: “Thank you, but I need a majority to win.”

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Crazy times.

July 29, 2011

Ann Coulter said on the Joy Behar show that some gay people can indeed ‘pray away the gay.’ The response from the gay community -if that were true we could “pray away” Ann Coulter.

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Sarah Palin urged House Republican freshmen today to stick to their principles when it comes to raising the debt limit. Well, at least until half way through the vote.

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Do we need any more proof that this recession isn’t hurting the rich? Whole Foods just announced a 35 percent jump in their fiscal third quarter profit.

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President Obama is having a tough time getting any sort of bipartisan agreement these days. Shame he can’t promise that if we get a deal on the debt ceiling he would get rid of Dan Snyder.

(for the uninitiated,  Snyder is the owner of the Washington Redskins, and one of the few men in D.C. equally hated by both sides.)

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John McCain yesterday quoted a Wall Street Journal article in referring to those who don’t want to raise the debt-ceiling as “Tea Party Hobbits.” Prompting calls for an immediate apology – from Hobbits.

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But really, John McCain as the voice of reason?   Either he’s remembered the Senator he used to be, or he’s forgotten those years he was running for President.  (Or he’s starting to listen to Meghan.)

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The San Diego Padres and Petco set a Guinness World Record during their annual “Dog Days of Summer” day: The most dogs in a pet costume parade – 337 to be exact. (Pretty safe bet this is not a record that will ever be topped by cats.)

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The Tennessee Titans have released Vince Young, their first pick (#3 overall in the the 2006 draft.) So as unbelievable as it seems, yes, folks, Alex Smith with the 49ers has outlasted him.

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And at a early practice Thursday, Michael Crabtree injured his foot and may be out 4-6 weeks.  On a brighter note, the 49ers’ chances to win the Andrew Luck lottery just went up another notch.

 

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Amy Winehouse’s family thinks she died of “alcohol withdrawal,” basically from because they say she stopped drinking cold-turkey. Whether it’s true or not, hope no one shows this story to Lindsay Lohan.

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In a recent study of possible compulsive behavior, subjects checked their smartphones an average of  34 times a day. One word – “Amateurs.”

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Last week Texas Gov. Rick Perry was asked about NY’s new same-sex marriage law. He replied “That’s New York, and that’s their business, and that’s fine with me.” Today he said “it’s fine with me that a state is using their sovereign rights to decide an issue. Obviously gay marriage is not fine with me. My stance hasn’t changed.” Sounds like it’s not just good hair that Rick has in common with John Kerry.

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So the standard GOP line is that tax cuts for the rich will be good for all Americans. So let’s see, for a semi-test case, this week the federal aviation tax has expired, meaning in theory a 7.5 percent cut in the cost of airline tickets. And what have most airlines done? Raised fares 7.5 percent to make up for the tax cut.

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A couple thoughts to end from T.C.

Regarding that 19 inning game ending at 1:50am. The Pirates that got hosed by the blown call at home plate. If it was the Yankees, MLB would have a new replay policy in effect, retroactive to 1:45am.

Likely (sick)  headline coming soon? “Mike Vick to unleash Favre as backup”

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Oops, we missed it again.

July 28, 2011
 
 
(and yes, that white thing behind the catcher’s back foot IS the plate.)
 
Regarding that play at home in the Pirates-Braves game last night: Joe Torre, now MLB’s executive V.P. for operations, stated “Unfortunately, it appears that the call was missed.” In related news, Amy Winehouse’s death may have been drug related.
 
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When they play the National Anthem in future at MLB games this season, hope umpire Jerry Meals is ready. Because when they start out ‘Oh say can you see?,” everyone but Braves fans will loudly scream -“NO.”
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So with the Carlos Beltran trade to the Giants a done deal, the leading slugger on the trade market may be the Rays’ B.J. Upton. Who is referred to by Sports Illustrated as “enigmatic.” Translation of “enigmatic?” “Headcase.”
 
 
Some New York fans are enjoying their sour grapes  – this anonymous comment “few Mets fans will forget his at-bat during the ninth inning of Game 7 of the 2006 NL championship series against St. Louis. Beltran came up with the bases loaded and the Mets trailing 3-1, and struck out looking to end the game.”
 
Uh, yeah, almost the same thing happened in last year’s NLCS with Ryan Howard, in a one run game with two on, when he took a backdoor slider from Brian Wilson to also strike out looking to end the game. 
 
And I don’t think Phillies fans want Howard out of town. Yet anyway.
 
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Good thing for SF Giants that they aren’t in the AL East. After Brian Wilson’s All-Star introduction of Carlos Beltran – “the guy’s a phenomenal hitter, a switch hitter, there’s talks of him coming over to the Giants. More than welcome. Come on over, pal.”- the Yankees would probably get Selig to overturn the deal for tampering.
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Hugh Hefner’s ex-fiancee said they only had sex once and it was over “in two seconds.” Really? Come on. Nothing lasts only two seconds. Except maybe the Cubs’ pennant hopes in April.
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The IRS has said that airlines should refund passengers for the collected but currently expired federal aviation tax. Want to bet it how long it takes for the first airline to say that the cost of processing such credits is a service fee exactly equal to the proposed refund?
 
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 Speaker John Boehner told his fellow Republicans to “Get your ass in line.” In related news, Larry Craig has decided it might be time to run again for Congress.
 
 

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A tale of two franchises. Wednesday the San Francisco Giants acquired Carlos Beltran. And on the same day the San Francisco 49ers re-signed Alex Smith.

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Sarah Palin said that “Scaring the American people is exactly what President Obama is doing,” in regards to the debt ceiling. Oh please oh please can someone just ask Palin if she can explain the debt ceiling.

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Have the Giants considered just gifting Barry Zito to the Yankees to replace Phil Hughes? Could be an upgrade for both teams.

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It’s 3am in Washington, D.C.

July 27, 2011

Do you know where your debt ceiling is?

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Okay, let’s borrow from reality television and solve this debt ceiling thing in about one night. Lock Nancy Pelosi, John Boehner, Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell in a “fantasy suite” together and don’t let them out until they have a deal.

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President Obama referred to the fight over the debt ceiling as a “partisan three-ring circus.” Prompting calls for an immediate apology, from Ringling Brothers.

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In California, controller John Chiang stopped paying lawmakers when they couldn’t agree on a budget. Maybe we should have sent him to Washington, D.C. Monday along with the San Francisco Giants.

 

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Baseball stat of the night. Jered Weaver of the Angels has more wins in July (five), than the Seattle Mariners (four.)

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Apparently the New York Giants are considering resigning their former wide receiver Plaxico Burress. When asked, Giants management said they decided they might as well take a shot at it.

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New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft, on the end of the lockout. “”I hope we gave a little lesson to the people in Washington because the debt ceiling is a lot easier to fix than this was.” Well, that ought to put rest to the rumor that NFL owners are a bunch of self-absorbed narcissistic jerks.

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Bengals owner Mike Brown insisted on Tuesday that he won’t trade quarterback Carson Palmer, who said he would retire rather than play again for Cincinnati. So in terms that Bengals fans understand, Brown considers Palmer’s contract “non-bailable.”

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A man at New Orleans’ airport injured a United ticket agent when he accidentally fired his hunting rifle while trying to check the gun with his baggage. Well, good to see Dick Cheney’s getting out and around again.

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Phillies fans are apparently planning to jeer Bruce Bochy for all three games the Giants are in San Francisco, because they are mad that he used their star pitchers in the All-Star game. (Really.) But to be fair to the fans, this is a tough time of year in Philadelphia, it’s at least four months until they can boo Santa Claus.

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Tuesday night the Seattle Mariners and Doug Fister (3-11) took their 16 game losing streak against the New York Yankees and C.C. Sabathia. (14-5) I think the Christians had a better chance against the Lions.

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Mr. Wilson goes to Washington.

July 26, 2011

And maybe the President can’t solve the debt ceiling crisis, but he did do something amazing on Tuesday – got Brian Wilson to put on a suit  Without cleats

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Los Angeles officials say they have a tentative agreement with AEG to build a new football stadium “Farmers Field,” near the convention center.

They hope to have the stadium built in time to lure a professional team in time for the 2016 NFL season. Or failing that the Raiders or Panthers.

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Listening to “the Bachelorette,” Ashley talk to the last two men jointly at the rose ceremony. She told them to focus on the relationships she has with them individually, instead of thinking about what’s going on with the other guy….. Thinking, hmm, is this what Mormons tell their wives?

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So the NFL lockout appears to be open and training camps will open later this week. What a relief for parole officers in Cincinnati, who will now know exactly where to find their Bengals’ “clients.”

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The U.S. Postal Service on Tuesday will release a list of 3,653 post offices that could be shut down. Wonder if they’ll post the list on Facebook and Twitter?

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Brett Favre’s agent says talk of his client attempting another NFL comeback is just “speculation.” Translation, no team has made Brett a definite offer yet.

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President Obama apparently stated when he met the Giants in the White House “I do fear the beard.” Maybe he’s hoping he can sic Brian Wilson on John Boehner.

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A new study found that women are more likely to send sexy text messages than men. Duh, texts are basically talking by typing. Women are likely to do ANYTHING involving words and talking more than men.

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Final details of the deal that ended the NFL lockout  are not yet available. As in who gave who the final rose?

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The lateness of the NFL labor accord means that Jim Harbaugh is even more likely to have to stick with Alex Smith as 49ers QB this year. Which is good news for San Francisco fans who hope to see the team be able to draft Andrew Luck in 2012.

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This weekend the 7.5 percent tax on air travel temporarily expired during budget negotiations, so it should have been a price break for travelers. Except major carriers just hiked their fares to cover the difference for extra profit. Trickle-down economics? Right. Just means we all get trickled on.

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From Bill Littlejohn:  Jay Cutler insists that he called off his wedding due to a torn MCL and that he did not quit on Kristin Cavallari”

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Rainbow falls.

July 25, 2011

Apparently Niagara Falls was lit up with rainbow colors today, for all the marriages.

But meanwhile, in New York City, the first couple married under the state’s new same-sex marriage laws were Phyllis Siegal, 77, and Connie Kopelov, 85, two women who have been together for 23 years. So can any conservative say with a straight face how that ceremony threatens any heterosexual marriage?

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So let’s see, the GOP wants to reduce unwanted pregnancies and abortions, and also cut the number of familes with children on welfare. Hmm…maybe the best way to do this is to encourage poor people to enter into gay marriages.

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Jay Cutler has called off his engagement to Kristin Cavallari. Apparently blindsiding his ex-fiancee, but not Bears fans. Who already that knew that you couldn’t count on Cutler to go all the way when it mattered.

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The latest rumor is that as a backup to Michael Vick, the Philadelphia Eagles might sign Brett Favre? Is this the only way Favre can assure that for at least some fans he’ll won’t be the number one target of boos on the field?

(And of course the same might be said for Michael Vick approving Favre as his backup.)

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If you crossed Brett Favre with Sarah Palin would you end up with someone who actually knew when to quit?

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Qatarian Mohamed bin Hammam vowed to overturn his bribery conviction and lifetime ban from soccer on Sunday. He said he will go to the FIFA appeals court, or to CAS (Court of Arbiration for Sport) or even the civil courts in Switzerland. Just as soon as he figures out which of those will overturn his conviction for the lowest price.

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Knuckleballer Tim Wakefield Sunday joined Roger Clemens as the only pitchers to strike out 2,000 batters with Boston. Very impressive. And can you imagine if Wakefield had only taken steroids? His fastball might have broken 70.

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Sunday night in the San Francisco Bay Area there were competing concerts between the Indigo Girls and Dolly Parton. Fans were divided over which is the best duet.

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Glee co-creator Ryan Murphy had said that Rachel, Kurt and Finn would graduate at the end of season three. But apparently at Comic-con this weekend in San Diego, the series’ other co-creator Brad Fulchuk said  stars Lea Michele, Chris Colfer, and Cory Monteith will return for season 4.

Which means one of two things. Either the three will indeed graduate, and come back as visitors from their colleges, or the writers will figure out ways to turn them into honorary football players.

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Quote of the day – but from a facebook friend, but from a  Thomas Love Peacock, friend of the 19th century poet Percy Shelley: “There are two reasons for drinking wine…when you are thirsty, to cure it; the other, when you are not thirsty, to prevent it… prevention is better than cure.”

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And shocking quote of the week on an Irish report on clerical sex child sex abuse: -it exposed “the dysfunction, disconnection, elitism and narcissism that dominate the culture of the Vatican to this day. The rape and torture of children were downplayed or ‘managed’ to uphold instead, the primacy of the institution, its power, standing and ‘reputation.'” The real shocker- the quote is from Irish PM Enda Kinney.

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Neanderthals past and present:

July 24, 2011

New research adds DNA evidence to the theory that Neanderthals and humans started interbreeding between 50,000 and 80,000 years ago. In related news, Ben Roethlisberger was married today.

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Gary Morton’s comment on the wedding -“As a tribute to Roethlisberger’s free-wheeling-bachelor past, the church’s restrooms were sealed off with yellow crime scene tape.”

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A Florida man was arrested for trying to ship $30,000 of crystal methamphetamine in a package of Meow Mix. Police became suspicious when neighbors reported his cats were chasing birds by flying into trees.

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Fourteen in a row for the Mariners. At what point do wins against Seattle start getting an asterisk?

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After Ohio State vacated all of last year’s wins and coach Jim Tressel was forced to resign, the NCAA has nonetheless decided that they will not be banned from any postseason games. The Buckeyes, in fact, are now considered Rose Bowl favorites. Four words- “Money, money, money, money.”

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Speaker Boehner has walked out of debt reduction talks because he will not accept ANY “revenue enhancements.” So when did those “inalienable” rights become life, liberty, and the pursuit of lower taxes on millionaires?

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Supporters of Sarah Palin were incensed that the as yet undeclared candidate was left off an August straw poll for GOP presidential contenders in Iowa.

Actually, responded the organizers of the ballot, we considered including Palin’s name, but we quit that idea about halfway through the process.

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Linda Christian, the first Bond Girl, died at the age of 87.  Not to say she was old, but rumor has it when Christian had a role in “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service,” Her Majesty was Queen Victoria.

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The term “Death Wish” is overused. But in Amy Winehouse’s case it appears to have been completely appropriate.   A sad story.  Hope Lindsay Lohan is taking notice.

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And while we’re on the serious track :  So after this horrible Norway massacre yesterday, should security start profiling tall blond men? (That description, as my friend Steven points out, also fits Timothy McVeigh.)

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Friday night tacky.

July 23, 2011

Bail was set at $1 million for the Southern California woman who allegedly took a knife to her husband’s penis and put it down the garbage disposal.

Guess they were afraid she was likely to cut and run.

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Need a diet aid?   Just read up about the relationship between “Lost” actor Doug Hutchison, 51, and his 16-year-old wife Courtney Stodden.  The couple, who married in May, gave an intimate interview to “E” news.

“I’ve got to say, if there’s only one caveat to the ocean between our [ages], I wished I was a virgin when we met,” 
“It’s fine that he wasn’t!” she exclaimed. “He’s a tiger!”

Even Hugh Hefner is thinking “That’s just gross.”

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Two famous stars on the Tonight Show Friday night – Dolly Parton was Jay’s guest.

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With all these back and forth accusations of lying and not dealing in good faith, I’m getting confused. Does Congress have something to do with the lockout and the NFL with the debt ceiling?

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Wonder what would happen if God actually whispered in the ear of one of these Tea Party types “Any of you read the Bible? Jesus would tax the rich.”

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Best wishes to Christopher Schwarzengger, 13, who is fortunately expected to make a full recovery from his injuries. But the AP has it a little wrong with the lead sentence: “Arnold Schwarzenegger’s youngest son is recovering in a hospital after a body-boarding accident at a Malibu beach.”

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And they wonder why U.S. airlines have such a bad reputation – Continental’s phone response today “Your call will be answered between one hour and two minutes and one hour and twenty minutes from now.”

Of course, it does beat (barely) the “Due to a high volume of calls, we are unable to take your call at this time.”  With a hangup and then busy signal.

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Bristol Palin is continuing her book tour, and Thursday night on Dr. Drew said she was “stupid” to lie to her mother about the spring night in 2006 she lost her virginity to Levi Johnson. Okay, fine, and she was somehow on a higher plain the next couple years, since Tripp was born in late December 2008?

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New York 17,  Oakland 7.   Uh, I know I’ve heard talk of a deal.  But how did I miss the start of the NFL preseason?

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From Zev Karlin-Neumann:  “It’s supposed to be 100+ degrees and stormy in DC Saturday. I say hold the debt ceiling talks outside until there’s a deal…”

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A judge has rejected the Los Angeles Dodgers’ proposed $150 million bankruptcy financing plan. Guess he figured the plan was as likely to succeed as their team on the field this season.

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On an actual serious note, I don’t agree with everything President Obama does. But amazed by the vitriol from some Democrats. Guess they thought when Barack was talking about compromise across the aisle and “no blue states and no red states” that he was just kidding?

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What if all these candidates like Perry and Bachmann really are hearing God’s voice telling them to run? Does this mean God is a frustrated stand-up comic?  (Or as Paul Seaburn says, “No, just a comedy writer looking for four more years of material.”)

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Mitt Romney has Meg Whitman as finance director for his 2012 Presidential run. Because nothing says you can make responsible decisions about our nation’s economy like hiring someone who spent $150 million on her own failed campaign.”

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NFL – Never Finished (with) Lawyers?

July 22, 2011

Anyone else think this endless NFL negotiation coverage on ESPN is beginning to feel like being at a endless dinner party with a squabbling couple? The argument is no longer interesting and you just want to be done hearing about it.

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Today’s vote by the owners was 31 to 0 with Al Davis abstaining. At least, we think he was abstaining. He may have just been taking a nap.

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A Los Angeles traffic officer has been fired for appearing in uniform in a pornographic film. Insert nightstick joke here.

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According to court filings, Arnold Schwarzenegger doesn’t want to pay Maria Shriver spousal support. Well, this could make a certain amount of sense – Arnold may have no idea how many child support payments are ahead of him.

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Photos are circulating on the internet of Sarah Palin’s newest daughter-in-law, Britta, at her baby shower. The very pregnant 21 year old woman was married to Palin’s son Track in May. Of this year. Got to love that abstinence-only education.

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A Turkish team has confirmed they have talked with Kobe Bryant’s agent about the Lakers’ star playing in Istanbul if the NBA season is cancelled. Makes sense, Turkey has great jewelry stores.

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In an interview with Fortune magazine, apparently former Harvard President Larry Summers referred to the Winklevoss twins as “a**holes.” Well, it takes one….

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Sarah Palin to the rescue of the mainstream media? Really. She says she wants to “help” them: “I have a journalism degree. That is what I studied. I understand that this cornerstone of our democracy is a free press, is sound journalism. I want to help them build back their reputation and allow Americans to be able to trust what it is that they’re reporting.”

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Meanwhile, from the ridiculous to the sublime as far as quotes:   As compromise becomes a dirty word in Washington, have to wonder if Yeats anticipated this debt ceiling mess – ‘Things fall apart, the centre cannot hold. Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world.” And then  “the best lack all conviction, while the worst  /Are full of passionate intensity.”

 

Asked whether she still believes homosexuality is a choice, Michele Bachmann responded “I am running for the presidency of the United States. I am not running to be anyone’s judge.” Maybe, but she is running to appoint everyone’s judges.

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Steve Williams told CNN he was disappointed and shocked that he was fired by Tiger Woods, especially “given the fact of my loyalty and the way that I stood by this guy through thick and thin ..And the timing of it is very poor, from my perspective.” Over-under on how long it takes Williams’ book on Tiger to come out?

 

Josh Hamilton will start wearing special sunglasses since he said he learned that blue eyes make it harder to hit the ball in the daytime. Mariners fans are wondering, maybe blue uniforms make it harder to hit the ball in the daytime AND nighttime?

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“Severely Ethically Challenged” conference.

July 21, 2011

With LSU on probation  for a “major violation,” this now means every member of the SEC has been guilty of at least one such violation since 1990,  

Somehow, however, this probation  doesn’t extend to a postseason ban for the Tigers. (Who are one of the top schools in the NCAA as far as fans who will travel and buy tickets.)   Yeah, that’ll teach them.

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In the “department of repetitious redundancy department”,  for what it’s worth , SEC conference is redundant, since it stands for Southeastern Conference.”  If anyone cares.)

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SEC commissioner Mike Slive said that college sports need major reform. Really? The head of the SEC?  Isn’t that like Newt Gingrich talking about defending family values?  Or Bill Clinton signing the Defense of Marriage Act?   Or Bristol Palin promoting abstinence…? 

Oops, never mind.

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‘During an internal cross-check, the California Department of Motor Vehicles reported they may have sent almost 60,000 of their more than 2 million disabled parking placards to dead people. Or as a DMV spokesman said in their defense, “people who are really really really disabled.”

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Not saying Americans are out of touch, but wonder how many of them think the “debt ceiling” is the roof on a crematorium.

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Maybe we could get Americans on both sides to pay attention to the whole proceedings if we turned them into a reality show. (Start referring to congressional conferences as “Group Dates?”  And tune in next week to see which budget compromises get a rose?)

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“‘The full consequences of a default or even the serious prospect of a default by the United States are impossible to predict and awesome to contemplate. The nation can ill afford to allow such a result.” -California Senator Barbara Boxer today, quoting that noted liberal President Ronald Reagan.
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From Bill Littlejohn:  “Michael Vick appeared before Congress on Tuesday to denounce dogfighting—and as soon as he was through referring to Republicans and Democrats arguing over the debt ceiling, he talked about pit bulls”
 

A joint joke with the very funny Paul Seaburn:

“It’s hot in Minnesota, but Michelle Bachmann says she will not be incapacitated by ice cream headaches.”

Of course, you do need to have a brain to freeze.

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Michelle Bachmann herself said of the migraine issue. “I have prescription medication that I take whenever symptoms arise, and they keep the migraines under control.”

(And the unwritten subtext – “but of course, I still plan to repeal Obamacare and make medical care even more of a free market commodity. And  well,, most of you poor folks who can’t afford the medications aren’t doing anything important enough with your time that being incapacitated for a while would matter.)

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A woman was arrested near Portland for trying to sell her newborn baby? What kind of monster tries to sell a baby? A teenager, well, okay, that makes some sense.

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The Institute of Medicine, an independent nonprofit organization, issued a report that said birth control should be able at no cost to patients under the health care reform law. It would save unwanted pregancies and money. Just wondering, why doesn’t just one of these anti-welfare, anti-abortion conservatives come forward and agree with this?

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