Archive for January 2014

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Short fall

January 30, 2014

The city of  Atlanta must be run by men. Who else could get into so much trouble over just a few inches?

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USA Today headline “Atlanta’s ability to handle winter storms questioned.” What was their first clue?

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Hugh Grant apparently fathered a son with a Swedish woman in September 2012, only three months before his girlfriend gave birth to their second child. As Hugh will now learn, hiring a prostitute is often the cheapest way to pay for sex.

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((To be fair, Grant played the Prime Minister in “Love Actually. ” Maybe he’s just decided he wants to run for Governor of California.)

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George Zimmerman reportedly is trying to find someone to fight him in a celebrity boxing match for charity? Uh, has someone told Zimmerman he’s not allowed to bring a gun for when he starts losing?

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Former Ravens and Bears LB Brendon Ayanbadejo says his some of his teammates smoked marijuana the week before of one of his two Super Bowls. Gosh. Next thing you know someone will claim pot was smoked before an NBA final.

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New York Bill de Blasio says he will not attend the Super Bowl and will watch at home with his teenage son. Some say it’s to keep his middle-class image alive. I’m thinking it’s just that de Blasio is just too smart to spend all that time sitting out in the cold.

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If the Broncos win the Super Bowl how long will it take toy stuffed “Touchdown Ducks” to be available? 

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Not to be outdone, in Dallas, “Interception Ducks” may be available.

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NY Giants QB Eli Manning has been accused of selling fake “game-worn” Super Bowl jerseys and other memorabilia in order to keep the originals for himself. Well, at least this is one problem that will never befall Tony Romo.

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A number of men are thinking “Darn, how do I top this?” after a video of a mom opening a present from her son has gone viral. The present? Super Bowl tickets for her beloved Seahawks. At least that’s one thing Redskins fans don’t have to worry about.

(for above jokes, substitute Browns, Raiders, or even Cowboys if you want. For starters.)

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Colin Kaepernick, interviewed in NY, said that Sherman’s comments were “ridiculous.” And added “If I throw that ball one foot farther, it’s a TD and now you’re the goat, Richard Sherman.” So how quickly is the NFL moving to get the the 49ers-Seahawks next year on SNF and MNF? #ratings

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The Feds will seek the death penalty for Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, 20, in the Boston Marathon bombing. I understand the reasons but there’s still something bizarre about spending millions of medical dollars to save someone’s life in order to spend millions more on a trial to try to execute him.

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From T.C.   “Happy Chinese New Year of the Horse to those who celebrate it. Coincidentally, Canada welcomes Royal visitors Prince Charles and Duchess Camilla this year.”

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Apparently Stanford football coach David Shaw. competing with Notre Dame amongst others, was unable due to this week’s storm to visit star recruit Terrence Alexander at home in New Orleans. Frustrating, but wouldn’t Shaw have done fine just to send the kid a report on the 70 something degree weather this week in Palo Alto?

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And tired of the same old pre-Super Bowl hype,  Maybe time to watch, or rewatch, Peyton Manning’s SNL United Way commercial

http://www.hulu.com/watch/1603

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Not-so-Hot-lanta?

January 30, 2014

Good thing they didn’t schedule the Super Bowl somewhere with really arctic conditions, like Atlanta.

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So the weather is improving in New Jersey and New York. But wouldn’t it have been ironic had the Falcons or Panthers gotten in, and been unable to fly to the Super Bowl because of snow in Atlanta and Charlotte?

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As of today, a petition on the White House website calling for Justin Bieber’s deportation back to Canada has over 103,000 signatures. (100,000 is the number required for Obama to consider petitions.) Who says there’s no bipartisan agreement in this country?

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Gregg Williams was originally hired at St. Louis, but never coached when he was suspended for his role in the Saints bounty scandal. Now the Rams have hired him again as defensive coordinator. Proving once again in the NFL, that most sins are easier to forgive than the sin of losing.

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All the hand-wringing in the SF Bay Area because the Golden State Warriors lost a home game to the Washington Wizards, who are actually a .500 team. It’s not like the Warriors lost to a truly awful team – like the Lakers.

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Lance Berkman officially announced his retirement today. The reaction from most baseball fans. “Wasn’t he already retired?”

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“The Big Day,” “The Big Game” “Big Game Party.” Really!? How many billion a year does the NFL make and how much would it hurt to let bars, restaurants and stores advertise and use the phrase “Super Bowl?”

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California Assemblyman and gubernatorial candidate Tim Donnelly apparently has only voted in 18 out of 37 elections since 1995 . His office says “It appears he may have missed a few of the local elections…but that may have simply been due to his travel schedule, raising 5 children, and running a small business at the time.” Well, gosh, and if he’s that busy now, how does Donnelly think he could possibly juggle the time demands of being Governor?

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Joe Biden, 71, is now hinting that he may run for President. What’s his point? To make Hillary Clinton look young and vigorous?

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Rubio’s Fresh Mexican Grill is sending out burrito coupons for your “half birthday.”. Is this really a great idea for anyone over 30? Reminding us that we are less than six months away from being a year older?

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Despite sub-freezing temperatures.  The New York Rangers looked good in sweeping the two outdoor NHL games at Yankee Stadium this week.,  Maybe the Knicks will offer to set up an outdoor court in the Bronx next?

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From Marc Ragovin:  “The first Rangers/Devils game at Yankee Stadium had to be delayed because of glare. That is why they should have played at Citi Field. Because the sun never shines there”

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Who says there are no stupid questions?

January 29, 2014

Ah Super Bowl Media day. Where apparently today an actual question was “Will this be a must win game for you?”

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It got  better at Media Day. Peyton Manning was asked if he’d be on SNL…. this week. (Would have given a lot to hear Peyton answer “Um, just a bit busy. But Tom Brady is available.”)

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Peyton Manning, downplaying talk about his “legacy.”     “I’m still in the middle of my career.” “Atta boy” said Brett Favre .

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Richard Sherman in his column yesterday “If I could pass a lesson on to the kids it would be this: Don’t attack anybody. I shouldn’t have attacked Michael Crabtree the way I did. You don’t have to put anybody else down to make yourself bigger.” Sounds like Sherman has been thinking. Either that or he got a call from his mother.

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In a recent poll, Pete Carroll was voted the coach most NFL players wanted to play for, with 22% naming him. 7.2%, however, said Rex Ryan. Must be guys who like having their Januarys off.

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Yasiel Puig, arrested in Florida allegedly doing 110 in a 70 mph zone, has had his reckless driving charged dropped for “insufficient evidence” but the ticket will still stand. So it’s not reckless if you’re rich? #Affluenza

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A Seattle couple has named their new born daughter, Cydnee Leigh 12th Mann. Now what happens if she grows up to hate football? Or worse yet, becomes a 49er fan?

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Some discussion over with the egging and DUI if Justin Bieber could be deported back to Canada. As U.S. law does permit that for “serious crimes.” How about serious crimes against music?

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Jury selection has begun for the bribery trial of former New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin. If convicted Nagin could be sentenced to serve as Louisiana’s Governor.

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Tom Perkins, a full two days after his letter appeared in the WSJ, “I’d deeply apologize to anyone who has mistaken my reference to Kristallnacht as a sign of overt or latent anti-Semitism,” Would Perkins settle for us considering it a sign of overt and latent arrogant stupidity?

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After a horrible year for the Dallas defense, Monte Kiffin was moved from defensive coordinator to an assistant head coaching position. If the Cowboys really want to make a difference by weakening someone’s power,  maybe they can move Jerry Jones to an assistant head coaching position?

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Kobe Bryant will miss another two weeks due to his knee injury. Which makes him luckier than most of the Lakers. (And their fans.)

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Starwood Hotels is working on technology for guests to use their smartphones as room keys. Which will make things even more fun when you leave your phone somewhere, especially inside your hotel room.

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RIP Pete Seeger, 94. And we still wonder, when will they ever learn, when will they ever learn?

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Stay classy.    After the State of the Union,  a NY reporter asked  Staten Island Rep. Michael Grimm about the speech, and then asked a follow up question about an FBI investigation into his campaign finances. Grimm’s response at first was “I’m not speaking to you off-topic, this is only about the president.”  The Congressman then added : “Let me be clear to you, you ever do that to me again I’ll throw you off this f—–g balcony.”

(well at least this wouldn’t happen with Chris Christie. The NJ Governor isn’t yet in good enough shape to throw someone off a balcony.)

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And I’m sure it’s just a coincidence. But the Tonight Show with Jay Leno is down to its last two weeks..  And yesterday they used a joke almost word for word from Gary Bachman that was on this blog. And tonight they used a joke almost word for word about Royal Caribbean marketing a cruise as a way to lose weight….. Hey, Jimmy Fallon people, if you’re reading this.  I’ll freelance for you legitimately,  cheap.

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What’$ in a name?

January 28, 2014

A New Jersey couple is auctioning off the rights to name their baby girl, with bids starting at $20,000. Wonder how much of the proceeds they are setting aside for future therapy.

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Southwest Airlines announced today they will start flying to Aruba, the Bahamas and Jamaica. Hope they have comprehensive pilot training first… from the air those Caribbean islands all kind of look alike.

 

 

Five pro-marijuana billboards are supposed to be set up around Met Life Stadium for the Super Bowl. And if serious pot-heads are in charge, at least four of the billboards should be up by February 3.

 

 

You can’t make this “stuff” up. One thing missing at Met Life Stadium this Super Bowl, will be the Met Life blimp. Because the weather will be too cold and dangerous for it to fly…..

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Ticket prices to the Super Bowl on sites like Stubhub are apparently falling rapidly this week. Let’s see. A chance to stand in long security lines to sit outside in the cold and possible snow for 4-5 hours, for a view that won’t be as good as on a big-screen TV at home. This after you’ve figured out New Jersey Transit or the bus system because there are no parking passes and taxis aren’t allowed within a mile of the stadium…. Can’t imagine why.

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Stephen Glass, who was fired from the New Republic in the 90s for fabricating parts of almost every article he wrote, went to law school and passed the bar. After New York turned him down he came West, where he has been trying to “demonstrate the moral character required to practice law in California.” Today the State Supreme Court turned him down. Some cynics would say he has demonstrated EXACTLY the moral character of many lawyers in California….

(Wonder how many job offers Glass has gotten from the banking industry. Or Wall Street?)

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Just for the fun of it can some member of the “lame-stream” media ask Sarah Palin what she thinks of the Arizona Republican Party censuring John McCain for being too liberal?

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Meanwhile in Virginia,  former GOP senator John Warner has endorsed Dem. Mark Warner for a second term in the U.S. Senate. So how long will it take the Arizona Republican party to censure him too?

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Sochi mayor Anatoly Pakhomov on gay people – “It’s not accepted here in the Caucasus where we live. We do not have them in our city.” Is he angling for a guest spot on Duck Dynasty?

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GOP Rep. Trey Radel of Florida, who pleaded guilty to cocaine possession in November, will resign from Congress today. The most disappointed people? Democrats who were lining up to run against him.

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Seemed like the players were a bit more into the Pro Bowl this year. But want to get them to be REALLY competitive? Losing team players have to keep wearing those uniforms at least through next year’s pre-season games.

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Guess I’m an old fogie now because I remember when people used to debate Grammy acts based on what they actually sounded like, instead of what they wore and how outrageous their visuals were….

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Royal Caribbean is cancelling a cruise over hundreds getting the norovirus. But maybe they have it all wrong. Maybe the line should market the ship as “The only cruise where you’re guaranteed to actually LOSE weight.”

 

In the German town of Rasdorf, a farm shed caught fire and exploded, reportedly due to methane gas from 90 flatulent cows. The cows all survived, although one was treated for burns. Maybe it was a bad idea to give old lady Leary that lantern.

 

 

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Worse than a Christmas sweater?

January 27, 2014

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The NFL, never to concede the limelight to anyone,  might have eclipsed Oregon for ugly uniforms with this year’s Pro Bowl neon orange-white and grey-puke green outfits.  And they were an embroidered sweater top away from making the U.S. Olympic team look good by comparison.

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So when it comes to “how desperate do you have to be to watch?,  it was a close call tonight. The NFL Pro Bowl?    Or “The Bachelor’s Live Wedding?”

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Many Americans think the Golden Globes are the most fun awards show to watch, because so many of the stars range from a bit buzzed to drunk. Hmm, maybe an idea really to spice up the NFL Pro Bowl. – pre-game Mai Tais for all!

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Pope Francis yesterday lauded women for their sensitivity toward society’s “weak.” Wonder if by “weak” he meant men?

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NY Knicks played the LA Lakers today. And the game was about as relevant as the NFL Pro Bowl. #howthemightyhavefallen

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Pam Dawber (Mindy) will reunite with Robin Williams (Mork) when she guest stars this spring on the “The Crazy Ones”, Williams’ new sitcom. Of course, things have changed a bit in 32 years…. wonder if Robin might drop a Mork ad-lib, like “You punks get off my planet.”

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You know you’re getting older when… it’s not that you know you don’t like most of the acts up for Grammy awards, you just have no idea who many of them are….

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And yeah, “Daft Punk”  winner at the Grammys. Apparently it’s a noun not an adjective.

From Gary Bachman:  “A couple robots won a Grammy. First major entertainment award for a robot since Al Gore won an Oscar.”

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American Hustle has 10 Academy Award nominations. Thinking anyone who has seen the movie might agree with me that it should win “Costume Design” just for the miraculous use of tape. Specifically on Amy Adams’ dresses.

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Rand Paul said today that Bill Clinton’s past “predatory” sexual behavior should receive more attention if Hillary runs in 2016. Looks like we’re headed for another of those “issues-oriented” campaigns that makes politics so beloved to average Americans….

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The outdoor NHL game at Yankee Stadium today was delayed by “glare on the ice.” Yet another potential wrinkle for next week’s Super Bowl?

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And as we approach Super Bowl Media Week, the Richard Sherman show continues  – with Sherman’s statement “I want people to understand that everybody should be judged by their character, and who they are as a person, and not by the color of their skin.” Agreed on all counts.

But step 1. No matter what the color of your skin, your character will be judged better if you’re a gracious winner.

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A village is missing their Christmas sweaters?

January 26, 2014

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Although looking at these Olympic uniforms, methinks that makers of Olympic sweaters are upset by the comparison.

But maybe to make these sweaters good it won’t take a village, it will take a gallon of spiked eggnog?

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The NHL had their first outdoor game in California Saturday night at Dodger Stadium. Guess the wimps couldn’t handle a real cold weather venue like Candlestick Park.

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New U.S. catchphrase? “Cover me, I’m going to the mall?”

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Tiger Woods missed the secondary cut at this weekend’s tournament at Torrey Pines.  Which means at least a few hundred more casual American sports fans will be forced to watch the NFL Pro Bowl.

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Two young women at Tulane who knew they had a lot in common just discovered they had the same sperm donor father, and are thrilled to be half-sisters. Good thing this happened to two friends and not a couple who was dating.

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A new report says that all Fruit Loop flavors, regardless of color, are the same. You mean I grew up saving the red ones to the end for nothing?

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French President Francois Hollande today announced “I wish to make it known that I have ended my shared life with Valerie Trierweiler.” Not sure if he will bring his actress lover on his official visit to the U.S. in February, but this does potentially liven up the White House State Dinner.

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A California teacher has been arrested for bringing food laced with marijuana to an after-school party with other teachers. Waiting for her to find a lawyer to defend her claiming, “Well, it was a POT-luck.”

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Winter time, and the sports living ain’t easy.

January 25, 2014

Is no sport sacred? In Florida, trainer James O’Donnell was charged with illegal possession of PEDs. Allegedly to use on racing grayhounds.

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Got to love it, Saturday weather at 10a in Olympic site Sochi, Russia, 41 degrees. Weather at 10a in Super Bowl site East Rutherford, NJ, 18 degrees…..

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The PGA tour has started for 2014 so that puts golf back in the ESPN headlines – as in ‘Tiger Woods 9 back after second round….”

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The NFL fined Richard Sherman $7,875 for unsportsmanlike conduct/taunting at the end of the NFC championship game when he made a choking gesture towards the 49er bench. Gosh. That’s almost half the fine he’d have gotten for doing something truly egregious, like wearing the wrong color socks.

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Orlando International Airport, 13th in size in the U.S., ranked 8th in the U.S. (and 1st in the state) in 2013, with 47 guns confiscated by TSA. So who says Florida doesn’t overachieve at anything?

 

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In Oakland, a 13 year-old boy allegedly fatally shot his 17 year-old sister because he was upset she bleached his clothes. So will the NRA call for “open carry” in all laundromats?

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An ex-Senate aide charged with possessing and distributing child pornography was found dead yesterday of an alleged suicide in Maryland. Bus to hell thought, while the Senate may be free-spending with our money, at least this guy saved taxpayers the expense of a trial.

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Just wondering why Mike Huckabee isn’t also complaining that Republicans are “insulting the MEN of America by having Uncle Sugar coming in and providing for them a prescription each month for VIAGRA because they cannot control their libido without the help of the government.”

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Another thought about Huckabee’s birth control comments: How many of his target audience didn’t know the word “libido?”

 

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Nightmare Belieber and a Homecoming Queen.

January 24, 2014

Justin Bieber was arrested this morning. So congratulations to all those who had January 23 in the pool. 

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You think you had a busy day? How about all the comedians who had to dig up all their regular Lindsay Lohan jokes and had to cross her name out to insert Justin Bieber.

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American Idol finally started making their early shows more about decent singers than train wrecks. Smart move. If Americans really wanted to watch a nonstop stream of overconfident self-promoting morons with no talent they could just stick with “Keeping up with the Kardashians.”

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Commissioner Roger Goodell said, “if medical experts ever say medical marijuana would help with concussions then [he] would consider allowing it.” That stampeding sound you hear is NFL players racing to report concussion symptoms.

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Today Virgin America apologized to QB Geno Smith after an incident at Los Angeles airport last week that resulted in being him kicked off a plane. Either the airline decided that the flight attendant over reacted, or they decided that playing for the NY Jets was punishment enough.

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CNN Breaking News? “Bond hearing set for 1p for Justin Bieber?” Okay, in the “be careful what you wish for department’ maybe people should have been specific when they said “Please God can we get Richard Sherman off the front page?”

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Richard Sherman appears to be on a one man crusade to see that 2nd year QB Russell Wilson will have ZERO reporters interviewing him, and asking constantly about how he feels about going up against Peyton Manning.

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Eli Manning is apparently giving tips to his brother Peyton on how to play in MetLife Stadium. And that local knowledge worked out so well for the Giants this year….

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A Seahawks fan in Washington chose 4pm, Feb. 2 for her wedding,, figuring that 2-2 would be an easy anniversary for her husband to remember. The wedding will go on, albeit with TVs at the reception, and no doubt guests checking their phones during the ceremony. Well, at least this is the kind of thing brides no longer have to worry about in Dallas.

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On Super Bowl Sunday the NFL will not allow taxis and limousines to drop people off at or near Met Life Stadium. So for those without one of the few thousand parking places the only options are NJ Transit Trains, or Express Buses from one of several locations in the Manhattan area. Except that the bus tickets can only be purchased AT LEAST a day in advance, not on game day. What could possibly go wrong here?

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TC, on the impending divorce of the Captain and Tennille.  “So much for “Love Will Keep Us Together”. Guess Toni figured it was finally time to “Shop Around”.

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Not keeping us together.

January 23, 2014

Toni Tennille has filed papers to divorce “The Captain” after 39 years of marriage. Wonder what the cause was? Him playing “Muskrat Love” after she told him PLEASE don’t “Do That To Me One More Time?”

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Quicken Loans is offering a $1 billion prize to anyone correctly pick the winner of every game in the 2014 men’s basketball March Madness. Although a DePaul math professor estimates the odds at best as 1 in 128 billion. Roughly about the same as the Cubs winning the World Series.

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So with Vladimir Putin’s “please leave the children alone” message to gays. I trust he will ban Phil Robertson of Duck Dynasty from Russia, since Robertson says men should marry girls at 15 or 16?

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Bernie Madoff apparently had a heart attack in prison, and now has Stage 4 Kidney cancer. “What a shame” said absolutely nobody.

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So as we approach Super Bowl media week, where even breakfast cereal is a topic of conversation, can I suggest that Richard Sherman look for a deal with Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes. Because “They’re GRRRREAT. And other breakfast cereals are mediocre.”

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Notre Dame is ending its long relationship with Adidas and signing a 10 year deal with Under Armour, Inc. According to their AD, the deal, “the largest of its kind in the history of college athletics”, will help Notre Dame through a period of change “unlike any of us have ever lived through or tried to navigate.” What a relief. Hate to think of the Fighting Irish struggling on a shoestring budget.

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The NY Yankees have signed Masahiro Tanaka for $155 million for 7 years, plus $20 million to his Japanese club. Wonder if the deciding factor for Tanaka was looking at the Yankees aging roster and figuring he could head home every October.

 

The National Weather Service has says 40-50 foot waves may hit the north shores of Maui and Oahu, accompanied by strong winds and urged people to be cautious. Over-under on potential Darwin award winners who will go out to take up-close pictures?

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Former Dallas DT Josh Brent faces up to 20 years in prison after being convicted of “intoxication manslaughter” for the 2012 wreck that killed teammate Jerry Brown. What, the Cowboys didn’t pay Brent enough to qualify him for the “affluenza” defense?

Though while we’re on the bus to hell, it being Texas, if Brent had just gotten drunk and accidentally shot a teammate, would he have walked?

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And we wonder why college athletes don’t take the rules seriously. FSU QB Jacob Coker, a redshirt sophomore, is on track to graduate in 2014. He plans to transfer to Alabama, where if he enrolls in a graduate program not offered by FSU, he can play immediately without sitting out a year. All legal with the NCAA. (Russell Wilson did the same thing.)

(and don’t get me wrong, I’m glad they’re graduating. But players who receive the exception tend to be QB’s, and if you believe they’re transferring for academic reasons -which is what the rule claims to be about – then I have a clogged bridge to sell you.)

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Mediocrity and beyond?

January 22, 2014

Eight to ten inches of snow in New Jersey. Will Richard Sherman call that a “mediocre storm?”

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Have to wonder as Stanford recruits for their football team, how many moms saw Richard Sherman and it made them a bit skeptical of the program. And how many kids saw the interview and thought “Cool.”

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Erin Andrews is now saying of Richard Sherman’s interview “That was awesome. That was so awesome. And I loved it.” Well, yeah, not that Erin wasn’t famous before. But she now might have the most watched post-game interview ever.

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Richard Sherman’s agent or Seahawks management wrote an apology for his rant. But Sherman’s tweet on the subject “Last night shows that racism is still alive and well… And that’s so sad…. At Least some people respect MLKs dream.”  : I got news for him, racism may be alive and well, but had a white guy made the same post-game comments, IMHO people would have still reacted against him. And I don’t think MLK would have trash-talked his opponents. Just sayin..

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Miley Cyrus is going to perform on MTV’s “Unplugged.” Anybody but me thinking that when Miley is on it’s time to unplug the TV?

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In England, Lord Chris Rennard, suspended by the Liberal Democrats over sexual harassment claims, is not only refusing to apologize, but is claiming the allegations have caused him “stress, anxiety and depression that had led him to contemplate self-harm.” And Bob Filner is thinking “Why didn’t I think of that?”

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Cinmeon Bowers, one of FSU’s top men’s basketball recruits, has been arrested for allegedly eating marijuana to conceal it from police. So does this mean Bowers is now considering UW, Colorado or Gonzaga?

 

 

A new proposal from a Indiana GOP state rep would allow teachers, parents, visitors and students over 18 to take guns to school parking lots. Guessing this might make folks think twice before trying to cut someone off for a parking spot.

 

The B.A.T. (Baseball Assistance Team), which helps retired players who have fallen on hard times, has given Bud Selig the first “Bud Selig Leadership award. Thereby managing to get a redundancy and a oxymoron in the same sentence.

 

Stay classy, Arizona. An ASU frat has been suspended after they hosted an MLK Day party, with guests dressed in basketball jerseys, making gang signs and holding watermelon-shaped cups. I guess I could understand how they could be that thoughtless and racist, but how stupid do you have to be in a social media age not to realize that pictures would go viral?

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Vladimir Putin says to gay Olympic visitors. “you will feel quite secure, at ease, but leave kids alone, please.” While the Russian President is at it, will he make sure bookstores destroy all copies of “Lolita?”

 

 

 

From Bill Littlejohn:  “Guinness confirms that two men at a Las Vegas electronics store set a world record by watching TV for 87 consecutive hours—it turned out to be the last two minutes of an NBA game”

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It’s high time.

January 20, 2014

With two teams from states where marijuana is legal in the Super Bowl, should they change the game time to start at 420p?

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Or with teams from Colorado and Washington in the Super Bowl, is this a sign from above that God wants the U.S. to legalize marijuana?

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Not sure when MLK gave his “I have a dream” speech that he imagined part of that dream would become a Macy’s one day sale.

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Vladimir Putin, who wants Russian population growth, is claiming that homosexuality decreases the birth rate. If Putin really wants more babies born in Russia, maybe he needs to work on getting an NBA team.

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Let’s see – Richard Sherman vs. Peyton Manning? Even as a Stanford grad got to be guessing it’s not going to be hard to guess this year who “America’s Team” is going to be in the Super Bowl.

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At Century Link Field after Seattle’s win to make it to the Super Bowl, they played “New York, New York.” Well, guess there isn’t a song titled “New Jersey, New Jersey.” Maybe the tune should have been “Bridge Over Troubled Water?

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NBC says they would love to keep Jay Leno after he steps down from “The Tonight Show” on Feb. 6. So if Jimmy Fallon doesn’t work out they can bring Leno back this summer?

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I will give Richard Sherman credit for one thing. He has probably assured that the over-the-top Super Bowl media focus will not be on Seattle’s second year QB Russell Wilson

For all the jokes.  Is Richard Sherman an a**hole? Probably. Did he/does he take Adderall? Probably. But really people… he gave a cocky interview after helping to clinch a berth for his team in the Super Bowl. Not exactly the same as a jailhouse conversation. For all that, I’m rooting for Archie’s son to make Sherman look bad.

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President Obama said today he doesn’t think marijuana is more dangerous than alcohol, “in terms of its impact on the individual consumer.” Which will no doubt offend liberals because he is not going far enough to legalize it, and conservatives for not calling marijuana a gateway. #cantwin

Sarah Palin claims that Obama should stop playing “the race card” after the President said “”There’s no doubt that there’s some folks who just really dislike me because they don’t like the idea of a black president. There are some black folks and maybe some white folks who really like me and give me the benefit of the doubt precisely because I’m a black president.” Um, okay, but for president substitute “Would-be-president” and for black substitute “stupid.” And you might explain Sarah Palin.

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Should they have grown beards?

January 19, 2014

The question of the night in New England. WWGB? Who will Giselle blame?

 

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Since I’m already on the bus to hell as far as SF 49ers fans are concerned in rooting for the New Orleans Saints, let’s take it one step further. Would love to see Archie Manning’s son win another ring and then retire. #Geauxsaintsandtheirchildren

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Written during the 49ers-Seahawks game:  With the possibility of teams from Colorado and Washington in the Super Bowl will the NFL ask security to check not only for illegal liquids…?

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Vladimir Putin is pledging that athletes and visitors in Sochi will be safe during the Olympics. But what is he supposed to say? “Come at your own risk?”

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Eight players were ejected after a brawl two SECONDS into the Vancouver Canucks-Calgary Flames game Saturday. Is this the NHL’s way of trying to make sure the NFL doesn’t get all the attention this weekend on Sportscenter?

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Just when you think the U.S. has cornered the P.C. market, Haribo, the maker of Gummy Bears etc, has stopped selling some of its “Skipper Mix” liquorice in Sweden and Denmark because of complaints they were racist- the candies in question were shaped like ethnic masks that looked like primitive African, Asian or Native American art.

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United Airlines plans to furlough 688 flight attendants. And you thought it was hard getting on a drink on a plane before.

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My sister informs me that United has reduced their complimentary beer offering in the clubs to Coors Light on tap. Served in 10-oz glasses. On an up note nobody is going to be getting drunk on complimentary beer — they would be too busy rushing to the bathroom to pee.

(but have to wonder, will there be a bathroom fee?)

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Richard Tisei, a Republican former state senator running for Congress in Massachusetts, says the GOP must do more to change the perception that “we’re the party that wants to deny people their rights and interfere with their personal lives.” Well, one step might be to stop BEING the party that tries to deny people their rights and interfere with their personal lives.

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Not so dearly departed.

January 18, 2014

The Minneapolis Metrodome was deflated for the last time today, as a precursor to being demolished next week. “I’m really going to miss that place,” said absolutely nobody.

 

Meanwhile, Candlestick Park awaits its own demolition, probably later this year. But if they really want to give the place a fitting sendoff, perhaps the NHL might schedule there the Summer version of the Winter Classic?

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Houston’s mayor Annise Parker, has wedded her longtime partner, Kathy Hubbard, in California. Texas law still prohibits gay marriage. But it’s okay to shoot each other.

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Some talk that the French are becoming less tolerant because there is a fair bit of controversy over President Hollande’s relationship issues. My sense, not exactly…. but the French understand that their leaders are supposed to have affairs, not leave the First Lady over them….

 

 

“The Bachelor”, Juan Pablo Galavais, is apologizing for saying he didn’t like the idea of a gay or bisexual Bachelor because it would set a “bad example for children to watch” and that homosexuals are “pervert(ed).” He attributed the comments to a English as a 2nd language issue. But Juan Pablo was half-right, the Bachelor is a bad example for children to watch.

 

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New Vanderbilt coach Derek Mason says he wants the Commodores to someday play for the Southeastern Conference championship. Making me think that he left Stanford with a prescription for medical marijuana.

 

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For the first time in 28 years the Jamaican bobsled team has qualified for the Winter Olympics. Standby for fun, and for sled driver Winston Watt, 46, screaming “You punks get off my run.”

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Geno Smith was involved in a dispute with a Virgin America flight attendant, allegedly over cellphones, and kicked off the plane. So much for all those who said the New York Jets wouldn’t be relevant in the postseason.

(My friend Jon N says “Looks like Geno’s got to focus on his ground game.”)

 

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CNN reported that 66 out of more than 2,500 passengers on a four day Royal Caribbean Cruise to the Bahamas and Key West became sick with gastrointestinal issues- vomiting and diarrhea. Norovirus is suspected. But okay, 66 out of 2,500? Have to wonder how many of those folks have symptoms due to oversampling of the local beverages

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Who needs NSA?

January 17, 2014

Cats are watching you.

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(this, btw, is Xena. She thinks she is a better meme than Grumpy Cat.)

 

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So now that President Obama has promised to scale back the collection of phone data, how long until something else happens like the Boston bombings and Americans scream about how we should have been monitoring the perpetrators?

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And Obama today backed restrictions on the NSA collection of data. So Americans can worry less about being spied upon by their government, and go back to being spied upon by Google, Yahoo, Facebook, Target, etc…

 

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I know power is supposed to be an aphrodisiac, but anyone but me think French President Francois Hollande, in the middle of at least his second love triangle, looks kind of like a dweeb?

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Seattle vs. San Francisco on Sunday, With the two West Coast teams much of the country views this game a bit different. About 10% want the Seahawks, 10% want the 49ers, and 80% are just hoping for a full out brawl led by Pete Carroll and Jim Harbaugh.

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The LA Dodgers, whose payroll is already about $250 million, are now talking with Masahiro Tanaka’s agent. Even the NY Yankees are saying “Jeez, show a little restraint.”

 

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In Detroit, a 4-yr-old girl found a rifle under her grandfather’s bed and accidentally shot and killed her 4-yr-old cousin. If only the little boy had been armed.

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The more I think about it the more I think the Academy Awards snubbed Emma Thompson for an acting nomination for “Saving Mr. Banks” because a bunch of old men thought her haircut and clothes made her look ugly.

 

 

Lebron James’s birthday message “We’re connected at the hip no matter where life takes us. And happy birthday to D-Wade.” Translation, “if I get a better offer, I love you bro, but I’m out of here.”?

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The NTSB says the wrong-way Southwest pilots said that their flight computer was correct about Branson Airport, but that they “mistakenly identified” another airport as Branson when they saw its bright lights. Well, what a relief. Not like any other pilots flying to metropolitan areas in the U.S. will ever have to contend with nearby bright lights…..

 

From T.C.  “Two pilots are being held responsible for landing a Southwest Airlines plane at the wrong airport 7 miles away in Branson Missouri.  This wouldn’t have happened at United. They would have charged a fee for bussing the passengers back to the correct airport.”

And T.C. on the bus to hell.  “A retired police captain shot the guy in front of him at the movies when he refused to stop texting. The last person who got shot in a Florida theater was the guy sitting in front of Pee Wee Herman.”

 

 

 

 

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Cheap shots?

January 17, 2014

 

Now the allegations are that Aaron Hernandez was actually the gunman in a 2012 double murder. This would never happen with Tony Romo. No chance he’d hit the targets.

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Florida is spending $2.8 million on new interstate highway signs saying “Florida Welcomes You.” Will the signs also add the practical advice “Duck and cover.”?

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In a Florida Walmart, a 77 year old man was arrested for using his shopping cart to bash another customer. The victim, who was not seriously hurt, allegedly had too many items for the Express Lane. Two thoughts: Who hasn’t wanted to do that? And if only they had both been armed.

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Tough times in Los Angeles during the NFL playoffs since they don’t have a team. And who’d a thunk they’d now be saying – “Thank God for the Clippers, or we wouldn’t have an NBA team either.”

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John C. Kelly, an ex-Morgan Stanley wealth manager, is on trail for secretly recording himself having sex at his NY apt with three different women. He claims he “accidentally” made the recordings with the camera he has set up as a pet dog monitor. Wonder if Kelly also filmed the dog eating his homework?
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Great timing award? Jennifer Montana, who designs jewelry, just announced a new piece. It’s in partnership with Marshawn Lynch and it’s a #24 Seahawks necklace.

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New MLB instant replay rules will finally let teams to show replays of controversial plays in the stadium. Bud Selig “The opportunity for our fans to see more replays in our ballparks is an important modification that the clubs and I favored.” Right, and Selig acted on this as promptly as he acted on steroids.
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Much controversy over the Seahawks not selling playoff tickets to Californians. Actually after watching him on the sidelines last weekend it would make more sense for Seattle to ban coffee shops from selling to Jim Harbaugh.
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Oscar nominations are out. And somehow Chris Christie was snubbed for his “I am not a bully” role.
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At what point do they just give Meryl Streep a lifetime Oscar and retire her name from Academy Award contention?
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A recent Salt Lake Tribune poll found Utah residents are now evenly split on gay marriage, with 48% in favor and 48% against. Well, the state does have a record of accepting unusual unions.
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Alex Rodriguez now says he thinks 2014 will be “a new chapter of my life.” Not sure of the ending of this autobiography, but it will definitely be shelved in the fantasy section.
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Russell Johnson, “The Professor” on “Gilligan’s Island.” has died. Have to wonder if his character ultimately inspired the astronauts on Apollo 13. (Although you had to wonder, if the Professor could fix anything, why couldn’t he build a boat?)
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A Texas man is getting death threats after he paid $350,000 for the right to hunt a black rhino in Nambia. His statement “I want to experience a black rhino. I want to be intimately involved with a black rhino. If I go over there and shoot it or not shoot it, it’s beyond the point.” Well, if he really wants to experience and be intimately involved with the animal, how about he walks up close to it without a gun….

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From Bill Littlejohn:   The Dodgers now have seven $20 million men, which now makes their starters the world’s fifth largest economy”

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Not open for business?

January 16, 2014

Beanie baby founder Ty Warner pleaded guilty to avoiding over $5 million on $25 million in hidden income, and got sentenced to 2 years probation and 500 hours of community service.  So let that be a lesson to other billionaires….

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J.C. Penney is closing 33 stores. Shocking. Penney’s still has stores?

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The USADA says that A-Rod’s PED regimen was “probably the most potent and sophisticated drug program developed for an athlete that we’ve ever seen.” Well if so we’ve learned one new thing about PED’s. They don’t work in October.

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While marijuana is legal in Colorado, taking it on a plane is not. So Colorado Springs airport is putting in “amnesty boxes” for passengers who forget and bring some with them. Wonder how they determine afterwards which airport officials get to, uh, destroy the evidence.

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Jim Harbaugh says he thinks that the Seahawks keeping fans with California billing addresses from buying tickets to Sunday’s game is a good idea, because you want to put your team “in the best possible position to win that you can.” Why do I get the feeling the 49ers ticket office may be getting a little call with future suggestions from their coach?

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The latest story on Jim Harbaugh is that his wife hates his pleated khakis, threw his old pairs out, and the 49ers coach bought replacements for $8 at Walmart. So maybe when Harbaugh famously asked Pete Carroll “What’s YOUR deal?” he was talking about pants?

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Tom Brady missed today’s practice with an apparent cold. Will Giselle blame the Patriots wide receivers?

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Wow. Apparently the fatal movie shooting in Florida theater happened during the PREVIEWS. Imagine if the victim had been texting during the movie itself. Would the killer have have shot up the entire theater?

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Bus to Hell time. So if texting during the previews isn’t a good reason to shoot someone in a movie theater, what DOES qualify as a good reason? Just polling my twisted readers/friends.

 

Chris Christie on Tuesday  “This administration and this Legislature will not allow the work that needs to be done to improve the people’s lives of New Jersey to be delayed for any reason.”   Well,  unless we are stuck in traffic.

 

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From Marc Ragovin:   Chris Christie is trying to move on from the bridge scandal.  But if he runs for President in ’16, I’m pretty sure his campaign theme song won’t be “Life in the Fast Lane.

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Vive la France?

January 15, 2014

French President Francois Hollande, facing allegations that he is cheating on his longterm partner, acknowledged “ordeals” in his personal life, and said he would “clarify who the first lady is before he takes a presidential trip to the United States on Feb. 11.” And Bill Clinton is thinking “You could do that?”

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Jacqueline Bisset: “I can’t remember what I said” in her Golden Globes speech. “I am shocked”, said nobody who watched the speech

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More from Florida. A court recently ruled that colleges and universities had to allow student to keep guns in their cars on campus, now the gun rights group that won that case is trying to force the University of Florida to allow firearms in dorm rooms and student apartments. What could POSSIBLY go wrong?

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The man who allegedly fatally shot another movie-goer over texting is a retired and well-regarded Tampa police officer with a 20 year career who has led gun safety classes. So how do you stop a “good guy with a gun?”

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Stay classy Texas, where conservative blogger Bill Whittle at a Ted Cruz rally joked (well, MAYBE he was joking), about opening fire on cars with California license plates… and getting a medal for it. The entire little vignette is at the bottom of this post.

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Chris Christie during his State of the State Address “Mistakes were clearly made.” And no doubt what he thinks is the #1 mistake – putting anything in writing in an email.

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Wonder how bad #Bridgegate has to get before Snooki says she’s embarrassed to be from New Jersey?

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The LA County Sheriff’s Department searched Justin Bieber’s mansion after a complaint that eggs were thrown at a neighbor’s home. They apparently found drugs including cocaine and arrested one of Bieber’s guest. We knew Bieber wanted to be an star as an adult. But looks like the star he wants to be is Lindsay Lohan.

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The illegal forward pass that ended the Saints’ season Saturday was apparently a “designed play that went awry.” Sounds like the whole Cowboys season.

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The Chicago Cubs say that some of the reaction to their new mascot was “despicable.” Many Cubs fans think that adjective should be reserved for the team’s play on the field.

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The owners of the Empire State Building are suing a photographer for $1.1 million because he took pictures of a topless model on the observation deck. I don’t know…. Guessing random photo shoots of topless models might increase visitor counts.

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Bud Selig, who says he is retiring, again, at the end of 2014, says he wants to spend his last year as commissioner on a Mariano Rivera-type tour of all 30 major-league baseball stadiums. Except presume when Bud is in house the parks will ban fruit and plastic bottle sales?

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#‎PabloSandoval‬ has lost 42 pounds. That’s half a ‪#‎TimLincecum‬ ‪#‎SFGiants‬

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Houston Texans owner Bob McNair has been raving about South Carolina DE Jadeveon Clowney, a potential #1 NFL draft pick. Well, it might be a good fit, the Texans have a rebuilding program, a new head coach, and a state speed limit that tops out at 85 mph.

The Texas “joke”   “I’ve said this several times in Texas before and I’ve said it to Mr. Cruz as a representative of the Texas government, I’ve said it to Gov. (Rick) Perry directly, and now I’m going to say it to you as individual Texas citizens. You will see a lot of cars coming west heading east on Interstate 10, and they’re going to have California license plates on them. Now, if you see these cars pull into rest areas or hotels or restaurants, that’s fine; wave goodbye, make sure they go out on the Louisiana end. But if you see them pull off into residential areas, you need to open fire on these vehicles immediately. Immediately. Not with 9mm or AR rounds; you need to put mortars on those things, you cannot take any chances. What’s the worst that could happen to you? I mean, honestly, this is Texas, right? You’ll stand in front of a Texas judge, (and) he’ll say, ‘Did you shoot up that car full of Californians?’ You’ll say yes, he’ll say why. You’ll say, ‘Well, your honor, they needed killing.’ And he’ll say, ‘We’ll strike a medal in your honor,’ and off you go.

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A-bridged version.

January 14, 2014

The Seattle Seahawks won’t let anyone with a California address buy tickets to the NFL championship. If they are that worried about out-of-towners spoiling their team’s chances, maybe the Hawks should put Chris Christie in charge of coordinating day-of-game bridge traffic.

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If could be worse. What if Anthony Weiner as a Congressman from Brooklyn had closed down THAT bridge, and Chris Christie had sexted selfie naked pictures.

 

A recent study showed that caffeine enhances certain memories for up to 24 hours after it’s consumed. As in “Holy Sh*t, I can’t believe I paid that much for a cup of coffee?”

 

 

 

In early December Southwest announced that as of June 2014 they were cancelling service to Branson, MO. Now we know why, their pilots don’t know where the airport is.

 

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Why there is no satire…. The Octomom has been charged with welfare fraud for not reporting earnings while she collected benefits. One of her paid jobs? Endorsing birth control for pets.

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Apparently an argument over texting during a movie in a theater turned deadly today when a retired police officer allegedly shot and killed another man. I probably don’t even need to mention the state…..

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The Chicago Cubs have announced their first official mascot, “Clark”, a “young friendly Cub” who will greet fans at Wrigley Field. Wonder if in June Clark will start handing out 2015 Calendars.

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In a recent poll, 51% of New Jersey residents say they do not think the governor has been “completely honest” about #Bridgegate, Of course have to wonder what % think that any politician is “completely honest” about anything.

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QB Peyton Manning loudly used the word “Omaha” before snapping the ball in yesterday’s playoff game. The city thanked him for the mentions. Although for all we know that’s where Peyton was threatening to send his O line if he got sacked.

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A-Rod’s suspension, which saves the team his $25 million salary for 2014, comes just in time for the Yankees to use the $$ to make a run at Masahiro Tanaka. I’m sure that’s just a coincidence. #sarcasm

 

Trying to take sides between Bud Selig and A-Rod, is like trying to choose between Jerry Jones and Dan Snyder.

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But really. Alex Rodriguez’s latest effort to overturn his suspension involves suing both MLB AND the players’ union. Guess not content with being the most hated man in baseball, A-Rod is trying to become the most hated man in all sports.

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Seattle fans generated a small earthquake again during last Saturday’s game against New Orleans. Wondering how many years we are away from the first lawsuit for future health damages and hearing loss?

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All’s fair?

January 13, 2014

If you have children watch games to teach them about sportsmanship, you might want to have turned off the Panthers 49ers NFC playoff Sunday.

 

Semi-serious thought for a change  If taunting is in the NFL penalty book, then start calling it and fining players. Instead of saving the fines for stuff like wearing the wrong socks.

 

Nice show of confidence from Seattle management – restricting ticket sales to next week’s NFC championships to fans in in 6 states, not including California. You’d think if the Seahawks can handle the 49ers, their 12th man fans could handle a few hundred folks in red and gold.

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Heck, if the Seahawks are that worried about out-of-towners spoiling their game, maybe they should ask Chris Christie to coordinate local bridge traffic?

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Already controversy with the U.S. Women’s Figure Skating team, as the Olympic committee chose the 1st, 2nd and 4th place finishers at the Trials for the three spots. Guess that’s what they get for giving a guest spot to the French judge?

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A-Rod says he is showing up for Spring Training while he appeals his suspension. Thereby assuring that this year the Yankees circus starts before Opening Day.

 

Guess the Yankees should have been suspicious when A-Rod had that plastic jar of multi-colored candies labeled “Gummy Bears-ly Legal.”

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The Chargers’ Manti T’eo was knocked out of today’s game with a concussion. Wonder if they took his helmet when T’eo asked for his girlfriend.

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Biggest losers with NFL games today? Advertisers who bought time late in the fourth quarters.

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Fake punt late with a two touchdown lead. Harbaugh doing his best to assure that most people outside of California and Washington will be rooting for AFC in Super Bowl.

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Peyton Manning will have an offseason exam on his neck that will determine his future. And 29 teams who aren’t the Broncos are saying “Take care of yourself, relax, spend time with your family.”

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For all those who are convinced private industry trumps government every time, and regulations are just job-killers, maybe it’s time for a short visit to West Virginia. Just don’t drink the water.

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It’s not over….

January 12, 2014

Maybe not in Foxboro, but in Seattle,  a reminder of why baseball is STILL the best game. When you have momentum, the clock never runs out on you!

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Even the Stanford Band said “What was Marques Colston THINKING on that last play?” #Whodat #Braincramp

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The Saints did just cover the 8.5 point spread. So fans may not be happy but they can buy good booze to drown their sorrows #WhoDat

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A-Rod, suspended for 162 games. His response – “the deck has been stacked against me from day one.” As if almost all 52 cards in that deck weren’t placed there by the slugger himself.

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A-Rod’s suspension means the Yankees are off the hook for his $25 million 2014 salary. #therichgetricher

 

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A third DUI for David Cassidy this morning, and second in six months. Who knew when he sang “I think I love you” that the Partridge Family singer was talking about booze?

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Rangers pitcher Derek Holland says it was his dog who ran into him on the stairs, causing him to fall and hurt his knee badly enough to need arthoscopic surgery. SF Giants are wondering if it’s too late to require Jeremy Affeldt only to own cats.

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Alas tonight Indianapolis ran out of Luck.

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Causing a traffic jam over a meaningless endorsement seems as frivolous during an election as breaking into McGovern’s campaign offices. #bridgegate

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Shame Chris Christie didn’t pay more attention in History class. This bridge closure cries out for a “I didn’t really mean it when I said ‘who will rid me of this meddlesome mayor’ defense.”

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The Red Hot Chili Peppers are now part of the Super Bowl halftime lineup. Guess the NFL figured it was their only chance to have the word “Hot” associated with a game played outdoors in February.

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Apparently women’s ski jumping hasn’t been in the Olympics until now because some (men) were afraid it could damage female fertility. Uh, except which sex has the more external, and thus at risk, fertility “parts”?

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The security breach story du jour: Neiman Marcus said today that over the holiday season some customers’ card information was hacked and used fraudulently. Fortunately most Americans couldn’t afford to shop at Needless Markup anyway.

 

 

Bus to hell:  “Ariel Sharon has died. About four years after most people took him out of their Death Pools.”

 

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From Bill Littlejohn:  Ronda Rousey admits to a crush on retired MMA legend Fedor Emelianenko, saying that she’d ‘have 57 of his babies’.If she wanted 57 babies with someone, wouldn’t she have better luck with a retired NBA legend?”

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