Archive for May 2012

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Snakes on a higher plane?

May 31, 2012

Mack Wolford, 43, a “serpent-handling” West Virginia pastor, died after his rattlesnake bit him during a church ritual. He had told the Washington Post in 2011 that he watched a snake kill his father in the same ritual 28 years ago. Not sure if Darwin is laughing or crying.

 

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Some said Jesse Orosco only stayed in the big leagues because he was a left-handed pitcher who could consistently get Barry Bonds out.  In the same vein,  the Diamondbacks’  Paul Goldschmidt has to be wishing Tim Lincecum pitches forever to give him the same opportunity.   Goldschmidt has 12 HRs in his career  – Four are against Lincecum.

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So when Mitt Romney did a fundraiser with “birther” Donald Trump, he said he didn’t always agree with his supporters and vice-versa, but he needed that 50.1%. Now, President Obama actually quit Jeremiah Wright’s church, but nonetheless by that standard is Romney saying attacks by his SuperPACs linking Obama and Rev. Wright are off limits?

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Despite the SF Giants-LA Dodgers rivalry, most San Jose residents don’t seem too upset about the Kings being in the Stanley Cup finals. In fact, when asked how they feel about Los Angeles winning the NHL championship, the most common response from Northern Californians was “Los Angeles has a hockey team?

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Steve Spurrier is now proposing that college athletes in revenue-producing sports, such as men’s basketball and football, be paid “approximately $3,500 to $4,000” on top of their scholarships to cover living expenses. And SEC players howled – “No way are we taking that pay cut.”

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Who says there’s no sympathy between rivals in baseball. Los Angeles Dodgers star Matt Kemp left tonight’s game after re-aggravating the left hamstring that put him on the DL already this year. And the SF Giants and their fans are saying to him “Hey, take care of yourself, rest, and for heaven’s sake don’t rush back.”

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This John Edwards jury deliberation is lasting longer than one of John’s $400 haircuts.

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Donald Trump has tweeted “What could be better than dinner with @MittRomney and me?” Well, for starters, a root canal.

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SF 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh said the 49ers always wanted to keep Alex Smith, and regarding their “pursuit” of Peyton Manning: “It’s phoney, even the perception we were pursuing him. We were evaluating him.” Sounds like the same rationale some married men use while chatting up young women in hotel bars.

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A new weak.

May 30, 2012

The Vatican is saying they “consider the publication of stolen letters to be an unprecedentedly grave immoral act,” Right. As opposed to all that less gravely immoral stuff involving altar boys.

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The only problem with long weekends is Tuesdays that feel like Mondays. With more work.

(proving this, not hitting the right keys so Tuesday’s post got published Wednesday.)

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A much thinner Barry Bonds showed up at A T and T Park last Sunday and chatted with reporters, saying that his new sport is cycling. Cycling?! Well, good to see he’s moved on to a sport where he won’t have to deal with PED rumors.

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Donald Trump is back to spouting his “birther” theories to anyone who will listen and give him airtime. Even Sarah Palin is beginning to think the Donald is a media whore.

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Now that most people, Donald Trump excepted, have moved beyond the birth certificate issue, a conservative blogger is now offering $20,000 for Barack Obama’s college transcripts. Right, because back in 1990 Harvard set in place a vast conspiracy to make a lousy black student editor of the Law Review so he could be President of the U.S. 18 years later.

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Question of the day about Facebook stock, now down over 20% from its IPO price: How long until the Romney campaign tries to pin this on Obama?

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Mitt Romney gave a speech in Colorado where he said of the recovery “‘Look, things are getting a little better, aren’t they?’ And the answer is yeah, things are getting a little better in a lot of places in this country, but it’s not thanks to (Obama’s) policies.” Now what’s still bad, that’s ALL Obama’s fault.

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Michele Obama has written a book- “”American Grown: The Story of the White House Kitchen Garden and Gardens Across America,” which also includes tips for gardening and healthy eating. Wonder how long it will take Sarah Palin to criticize the volume as more meddling in American lives.

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Mitt Romney refuses to repudiate Donald Trump, even with the birther claims, saying “You know, I don’t agree with all the people who support me and my guess is they don’t all agree with everything I believe in. But I need to get 50.1 percent. “Uh, not exactly.” responded Al Gore.

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Serena Williams lost in the first round of the French Open. Which is a shocking headline even though most Americans had no idea they were currently playing the French Open.

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Well, the Chicago Cubs have finally found the cure for a 12 game losing streak – play the San Diego Padres.

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United Airlines  is advertising their celebration of 75 years serving Denver. Curiously enough, 75 years is what most people would probably estimate to be their lifetime elapsed time waiting out delays on flights through Denver.

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Fox News Chief Roger Ailes’ last week gave a talk at Ohio University where he accused the New York Times of publishing a questionably sourced article about him. Only one problem, the article in question was never in the New York Times. Details, details.

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The San Antonio Spurs have a 20 game winning streak. Out of habit, the 1972 Miami Dolphins are getting worried.

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Oxymoron?

May 28, 2012

Isn’t the phrase “Happy Memorial Day” an  oxymoron?

Or at least a  non sequitur?

 

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The Miami Marlins’ Juan Carlos Oviedo, caught playing under the fake name of Leo Nunez, has been suspended by MLB for 8 weeks for age and identity fraud.   The pitcher will be eligible to return July 23. Guess he’ll be known around the clubhouse as the “player to be named later.”

 

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Mitt Romney is promising to maintain a U.S. military with “no comparable power anywhere in the world.” Uh, considering we already outspend the rest of the top 15 countries combined, that shouldn’t be hard.

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The Cubs,  losers until Monday of 12 in a row,   are ranked 30th on ESPN’s Major League Baseball power rankings. The only way this is likely to change? If they get usurped by the future winner of the College World Series.

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Facebook is apparently working on developing a phone. Great, all we need, random calls from “people you might know.”

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Bill Clinton made headlines this week for posing for a picture in Monaco with three porn stars. But to be fair, Bill probably didn’t recognize them with their clothes on.

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On the other hand,  the San Antonio Spurs won again today, continuing their remarkable 19 game winning streak. Although the team is impressive, they just don’t seem to capture the public’s imagination. Why, no one can remember the last time a Spur got arrested or fathered a child out of wedlock.

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Detroit Lions DT Nick Fairley has been arrested in Alabama for the second time in 2 months, this time for DUI and attempting to elude police. Is Fairley trying to get traded to the Bengals?  –

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Sen. Chuck Schumer is urging U.S airlines to waive their fees for preferred seats (i.e. most aisles and windows) to allow families with young children to sit together. Bet a number of mothers are thinking “NO!” At least now I have an excuse to abandon the kids in a safe place for a few hours.”

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Three women in this year’s Indy 500 and not much hype or commotion. Of course, none of them do provocative television commercials.

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Really? According to the U.K. Justin Bieber is wanted for questioning by L.A. County Sheriff’s investigators after a photographer claimed he was roughed up at a local mall. So just how money-publicity hungry do you have to be to admit to being “roughed up” by Justin Bieber.

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Signs of summer.

May 27, 2012

Memorial Day weekend generally is considered a sign of approaching summer. Another sign – we only have about another month left in the NBA playoffs.

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Another sign of summer.  Cubs fans already saying “wait until next year.”

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The Atlanta Braves were hoping Chipper Jones, 40, would make a quick recovery from his bruised calf, but they finally put him on the 15-day DL today. On a brighter note, some of the medical costs should be covered by Medicare.

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Manny Ramirez made his first appearance last night for the AAA Sacramento River Cats. The River Cats drew over 9000 for the game. Wonder if in Manny’s honor pregnant women got in free?

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Donald Trump is talking again about how he believes President Obama was born in Kenya. You know what that means – the Donald doesn’t think he himself is getting enough press coverage again.

Three women in today’s Indy 500 and not much hype or commotion. Of course, none of them do provocative television commercials.

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Michael Vick is in Las Vegas for a youth charity football camp, and appeared at a kickoff event at a local Toyota dealership to sign autographs and pose for pictures. So many people complained on the dealership’s Facebook page that they shut it down. Have to wonder, would as many people be upset if it was O.J.?

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As we enjoy the first unofficial weekend of summer, congrats to the Boston Celtics for getting to the Eastern Conference semi-finals. Making them at least temporarily “America’s Team.” At least for those of us who can’t take the Heat.

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Mitt Romney said in a recent interview that he sees politics as “like a sport for old guys.” Exactly, “old guys” owning the Red Sox or Yankees.

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Shocking news. Pope Benedict XVI’s butler has now been formally charged over suspicions he leaked a large number of confidential letters addressed to the Pope about alleged corruption at the Vatican. Even more shocking about this scandal -no altar boys were involved.

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Staggering into the weekend.

May 26, 2012

The  Roger Clemens (second) trial has now dragged on over six weeks. Six weeks?! That’s longer than the 2012 Cubs stayed in playoff contention.

 

Ask and ye shall receive: A passenger on a Brazilian airline reportedly stood up just before the plane was due to take off and shouted, “Someone should have told me the captain was a woman. I’m not flying with a female at the controls.” So the pilot, who was indeed a woman, kicked him off the plane.

 

A new book about President Obama coming out in June is getting buzz for apparently talking about his marijuana use. Uh, doesn’t anyone remind the 2008 campaign? When Barack said “Yes, I inhaled, when I was a kid that was the point.”

 

(How about a book about how Mitt Romney managed to get through the 60s and 70s without smoking or inhaling?)

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Another game,  another inning with a crooked number for Tim Lincecum in the SF Giants 7-6 loss. (for non-baseball fans a “crooked number” is a large number of  runs scored, 3,4,5,6 –  1 and 2 are not simple and not “crooked” numbers.)

Beginning to think that maybe Lincecum used to smoke his PED.

 

 

Dwight Howard said he had nothing to do with the firing of Orlando Magic coach Stan Van Gundy. I think I like “fell into a lifeboat” better.

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Shaquille O’Neal said he is staying put as an NBA television analyst. Although he says he was “clearly intrigued” by the Orlando Magic GM jobs. Yes, well most Americans do find train wrecks intriguing.

 

 

ESPN has contracted to keep showing the July 4 Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating contest. The contest pulled a 1.3% rating last year. Coincidentally, that might be about the same average rating for the Stanley Cup between the Kings and the Devils.

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Mitt Romney said in an interview that the fallout from the comment “I like being able to fire people” made him “try and be a little more careful in what I say.” So he still likes firing people, but now he knows not to say it.

 

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From Gary M, about my line on the Boxford, Massachusetts herd of cows that got loose and wandered into a backyard and started knocking over beer cans and drinking the beers:   “Ya sure they weren’t in the Red Sox bullpen?

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Working girls:

May 25, 2012

When the President visited Redwood City on his visit this week,  a local strip club put up this sign

 

They should have said  – “Welcome Secret Service.”

Or as my friend Ian said “Welcome to San Mateo County.  $5 off a lap dance with your Secret Service ID.”-

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In Boxford, Massachusetts a police spokesman reported a herd of cows got loose and wandered into a backyard party. Then (no joke) they started knocking over beer cans and drinking the beers. Creating presumably a new phenomenon – self tipping cows.

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Score from South Florida Thursday night:  SF 14 – Miami 7.  Uh, who scheduled a preseason NFL game and didn’t tell us?

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Berkeley (California) Police Chief Michael Meehan, facing criticism over having 10 police officers search for his son’s stolen iPhone, said it wasn’t “some kind of preferential treatment,” but is something the department “would do for anybody in the city.” Is Meehan smoking something or does he think his constituents are?

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Lady Gaga is facing criticism from some Thais when she tweeted after landing in Bangkok that she wanted to go to the market and “buy a fake Rolex.” And some folks in New York City are saying “Hey, what are our street vendors? Chopped liver?”

 

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Despite the massive mess that has become the Facebook IPO, Morgan Stanley did make a lot of money on the deal. This quote from another underwriter: “We think (they’ve) done pretty well. Reputation of the bank aside, Facebook hasn’t been a bad trade for Morgan.” Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?

 

 

 

A private jet landed safely at Ft. Lauderdale’s airport after losing a door while aloft. The door crashed onto a nearby golf course. Major airlines are studying the story and thinking about adding a “door reinforcement” fee.

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A rumor in an Australian tabloid said that Kim Kardashian is abusing Valium, but her spokeswoman reportedly replied “It is impossible to be as successful as Kim if you are abusing pills. Her drug is work” Uh, fine, can anyone tell me what work Kardashian actually does?

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President Obama answered questions on Twitter tonight. This was one campaign function Barack would never delegate to his V.P. No chance Biden ever gets his thoughts under 140 characters.

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Yankees general partner Hal Steinbrenner is denying a NY Daily News story that his family is considering selling the team: “It is pure fiction, the Yankees are not for sale.” Translation, no one’s made us a high enough offer.

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United Airlines is no longer allowing families with small children to board early. Now if they can just start restricting those who act like small children.

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HP shares rose after the company, now led by CEO Meg Whitman, announced better than expected profits AND plans to eliminate 27,000 jobs. Can’t imagine how folks like Whitman and Mitt Romney get the reputation of just helping the rich get richer.

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An alternative High School in Brooklyn, N.Y. will have 500 condoms available for free at the school’s June 7 prom. Some controversy on this, but okay, does anyone really think kids go “Well, I’d never have sex otherwise, but since condoms are available, why not?”

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Idol-atry

May 23, 2012

Wonder if we’d get more turnout in November elections if real voting meant that Americans got bonus votes that could be used for American Idol?

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Trivia for the night: Both the SF Giants’ Buster Posey and American Idol winner Phillip Phillips are from the same town – Leesburg, Georgia, population just under 3000.

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Arizona’s secretary of state just said he will put the President on the ballot in November, because he has now received information from Hawaii that verifies Obama is a legitimate citizen. Shame someone can’t come up with a reason to question Arizona’s legitimacy as a state.-

 

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Cognitive dissonance of the day: Mitt Romney says if elected he will cut U.S. unemployment rate to 6%. Meanwhile he is touting Meg Whitman, current CEO HP, as someone who should have been elected Governor of California.. And HP just announced layoffs of 27,000 employees.

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Small silver lining with this recent IPO – “Timeline” is no longer considered Facebook’s biggest disaster.

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Will people who bought Facebook stock at the IPO price be known as Zuckers?

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California Gov. Jerry Brown is threatening that public schools might need to shorten their school year by as much as a month if voters reject his plan to raise taxes in November. Prompting millions of California schoolchildren to urge their parents to “just vote no.”

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MLB commissioner Bud Selig says he doesn’t think more TV replay is needed, at least not right now. Translation, the Yankees don’t want it.

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Oil prices fell below $90 a barrel for the first time all year today. Waiting to see how the airlines turn this into a new surcharge.

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Interesting statistics on Presidential fundraising so far: 53% of President Obama’s donors gave under $200. 57% of Mitt Romney’s donors gave the maximum of $2500.

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SF Supervisor John Avalos got national attention for saying he used a Ouija board to ask the ghost of Harvey Milk how he would feel about having a U.S. Navy vessel named after him. Some people apparently didn’t realize he was joking. But come on folks, a Ouija board? Really. Everyone knows in SF they use a Magic 8 Ball.

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Moral of story – never steal anything when you don’t understand the technology. A Disney Cruise Line employee is now on “administrative leave.” After pictures taken with a stolen iPhone, including some showing his face and name badge, showed up on the phone owner’s Photostream, an app that automatically uploads photos to the users iCloud account. Oops.

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Snooki has announced that while she was hoping for a girl, she knows she is expecting a boy this September. Disappointing all those with a secret sick wish to see some of those mother-daughter outfits.

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Donald Trump is promoting himself as a potential keynote speaker for the Republican National Convention. Before he does, can the Donald produce a long form birth certificate for that furry thing that lives on his head?

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From Marc Ragovin:  New York Rangers coach John Tortorella suggested that the team’s fans say a prayer for the offense. Well, since they are averaging about 2 goals a game throughout the playoffs, maybe we should start with the Kaddish.

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Missed it by that much?

May 23, 2012

The  “Player formerly known as Ron Artest”  about the Lakers’ loss “(We) definitely underachieved,” World Peace said. “We were the best team in the NBA and lost in five (games).” Never thought I’d write this sentence, but for now, I think we’ve all had enough of World Peace.  –

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Constantly seeing this Facebook ad for “Maverick PAC.” It asks me to “Join our network of conservative, young professionals.” So what’s the bigger miss here, that I am conservative, or that I am young?

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Another thought on the latest craziness out of Arizona. The state.  at the instructions of Sheriff Joe Arpaio,  paid to send a deputy to Hawaii to look into Obama’s birth certificate. But they don’t want to waste taxpayer money on birth control?

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The outgoing president of the South Carolina AFL-CIO was seen on video bashing a pinata of Governor Nikki Haley’s face at a retreat last weekend. This prompted two responses from the GOP: 1. Outrage. 2. Quick, hide the Obama pinatas.

 

 

A young child escaped with minor injuries after his parents put him in a laundromat washing machine as a joke, and the machine automatically started running. Shame parenthood doesn’t at least have the same rules the Humane Society requires to adopt a pet.

 

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Wall Street is definitely defriending Facebook.

 

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How far does Facebook stock have to fall before the GOP blames it on Obama.

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The US Airways flight that diverted to Bangor over a security threat was apparently because a woman said she had “a device surgically implanted inside her.” Let’s hope implants don’t start putting people on the no-fly list, or it will ground half the women in Los Angeles.

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A US Airways flight from Paris to Charlotte has been diverted to Bangor due to a so far unspecified “security issue.” Wonder how many passengers are already demanding that the airline credit them with the extra frequent flier miles. –

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Eugene J. Polley,, 96, has died. He was the inventor of the televison remote control. Funeral plans have not been finalized but a number of speakers apparently will be alternating back and forth in short rapid stints at the service.

 

 

Deliberations continue in  the John Edwards trial. Wonder if jurors are still trying to find some reason to make being a scumbag a criminal offense

 

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Not saying tonight’s game five between the Heat and the Pacers was rough,  but the winner may be sanctioned by the WWE.

 

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“American Idol” final competition Tuesday night. Not to be confused with the Lakers and Clippers, who are “L.A. Idle.”

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Cncinnati Reds pitcher Aroldis Chapman was arrested for speeding (93 in a 71 MPH zone) and driving with a suspended license. This about a year after Reds pitcher Mike Leake was arrested for shoplifting. Who do these guys think they are – Bengals?

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The Once and Future Kings.

May 22, 2012

So who expected this in 2012. What’s the difference between the Clippers and the Lakers? About 24 hours.

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As the Thunder rolled, how many disappointed Los Angeles sports fans thought back earlier this spring, well, at least we’ll have the Kings?

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Another question, who had the Kings as the last team playing this spring in the Los Angeles Staples Center?   Okay, all of you liars put your hands down.

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Yahoo has named Ross Levinsohn their fifth CEO in four years. At this point the only job with less security in the SF Bay Area is coach of the Oakland Raiders.

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The Dodgers have put 5 position players on the DL in the last two weeks, and have won 10 of their last 12. If they get a few more injuries Los Angeles could really run away with the division.

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Former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling, an avowed anti-big government conservative, received $75 million in loan guarantees from Rhode Island to move his video game company there in 2010. Now the company is failing and the state is on the hook. Once again, government waste = money that doesn’t directly benefit ME.

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The next time Schllling rants against Democrats, hope someone tells him to put a bloody sock in it.

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In California, Congression candidate Andy Caffrey, who has a medical marijuana prescription, has promised that if he wins, he’ll smoke a joint — “right on the steps of Capitol Hill.” Uh, maybe he should pass the joint around. Might get more bipartisan agreement if they were all stoned.

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Last week a Romney interview in the National Review praised Meg Whitman, and said she would be a better governor for Calif. Jerry Brown. The same day a story broke that Meg’s new company, HP, was going to lay off 30,000. (And somewhere Mitt is thinking, and the problem with that is…?)

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Four suspects were arrested after beating up a man Sunday after the Los Angeles-St. Louis baseball game in the Dodger Stadium parking lot. (The victim is in stable condition.) To be fair, the accused are almost certainly not real Dodgers fans, otherwise they would have been gone after the 7th inning.

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The Coast Guard has picked up 160 bales (about 7,000 lbs) of marijuana, floating off the coast of Southern California. In related news, fisherman in the area report great luck by baiting their hooks with Doritos.

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A jersey worn by Babe Ruth sold for $4.4 million. Apparently it still has a mark on it from when the Babe was hit by a pitch from Jamie Moyer.

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Dick Cheney will host a fundraising event at his home in Jackson Hole, WY for Mitt Romney. Mitt wasn’t sure the former V.P. was willing to help, but Cheney reputedly said, “Sure, he’d take a shot at it.”

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According to the DOT the 17 biggest U.S. airlines collected $3.36 billion in checked bag fees in 2011, down slightly from $3.4 billion the year before. Although they carried more 1.3% more psgrs than in 2010. This news surprises absolutely no one who has watched the musical chairs game for the overhead bins during boarding.

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From TC  – (Jay Leno used almost an identical line tonight, wonder if he saw it in comments this morning on last night’s post):   “Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg married his long time girl friend Priscilla Chan. They have already left for their honeymoon in Farmville.”

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Changing status:

May 20, 2012

Mark Zuckerberg wore a hoodie to Wall Street and a suit and tie to his wedding. Good to see the young man has at least some of his priorities in order.

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A 73 year old woman became the oldest to climb Mount Everest. And the oldest presumably to do with with her left caribiners flashing the whole way.

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“I’ll Have Another” won the Preakness Saturday, putting himself in position to win horse racing’s first Triple Crown in 34 years. Or as Cubs fans say “Only Yesterday.”

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Are horses really athletes?   Well, they don’t get arrested, say stupid things or otherwise embarrass themselves publicly. But there are those out of wedlock offspring….

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Three years after he was released from prison because he was dying of prostate cancer, convicted Lockerbie bomber Abdel Baset al-Megrahi passed away in Libya. “How sad,” said absolutely nobody.

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Two of the strongest signs that President Obama, while far from perfect, seems likely to win re-election over Mitt Romney? GOP talking about Reverend Wright and birth certificates.

 

Three starters on Florida’s softball team have been suspended for the season, for undisclosed reasons but allegedly over an stupid altercation. Well, once again Title IX has given women the right to show they can compete with male athletes.

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Mick Jagger on SNL season finale last night. Guess they wanted a musical guest old enough to remember when the show was actually funny.

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Speaking of old, from Bill Littlejohn:  “The world’s oldest yoga teacher is still going strong at 93. His name—-Maharishi Mahesh Moyer.”

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Rick Santorum’s campaign ended up $2.2 million in debt, a debt that actually increased after he quit the race. And this is a man who was going to balance the Federal budget?

 

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R.I.P Robin Gibb. Insert bad “Stayin’ Alive” joke here:

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Open note to RFK Jr.: If you’re trying to correct your image as a cheating douche bag after your estranged wife commits suicide, probably not a great idea to include in your eulogy at the funeral: “I know I did everything I could to help her.”

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Opening day.

May 18, 2012

After the first day of stock trading – Facebook’s relationship to Wall Street? “It’s complicated.”

 

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Not Facebook, but short term business idea for moderately big bucks: Discreet book covers for “Fifty Shades of Grey” for women to use on airplanes, by the pool and at little league practices.

 

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A Wisconsin man bought a Green Bay Packers Super Bowl XLV championship ring at a pawn shop. Hmm, this might be the only way Lebron gets his ring.

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Kerry Wood made one last appearance today for the Chicago Cubs, before announcing his retirement. He ended with one last strikeout, though it might have been more fitting had Woods finished by first announcing one last trip to the DL.

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The Miami Heat canceled practice today. Well, guess based on the last two games it wasn’t working anyway. –

 

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The Lakers salvaged Game 3,  but Lakers guard Steve Blake and his wife have been attacked and threatened online since he missed a possible game-winning shot against the Thunder in game 2. Who do these idiots think they are, soccer fans?

 

 

 

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AZ GOP Sec of State Ken Bennett said “I am not a birther,” but “At the request of a constituent, I asked Hawaii for a verification in lieu of certified copy. We’re merely asking them to officially confirm they have (Obama’s) birth certificate in their possession and are awaiting their response. He said if the issue is not resolved it was “possible” he would keep the President off the ballot. Arizona sounds like they just can’t stand Florida having the title “Craziest state in the U.S.”

 

The attorney general’s office in Hawaii is telling Arizona’s secretary of state that if he wants confirmation of President Obama’s birth records, he’ll have to prove he legitimately needs it.   Translation  “Are you all nucking futs?”

 

New Ohio State football coach and AD Gene Smith self-reported 46 recent secondary recruiting violations. Why 46 exactly? Maybe they figured 50 would be serious?

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Can’t stand the Heat?

May 17, 2012

Thought about the GOP going after President Obama’s connection with Jeremiah Wright: Is it really a good idea for to make religion an issue when your candidate’s great grandfather had five wives?

(Personally,  if someone was a genuine witch (or warlock) and could fix the economy, support education, and protect my rights, I’d be okay with that. :-))

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Only silver lining if the Heat look as bad in the next few games as they have against the Pacers so far: Lebron James won’t have to deal with the fourth quarter choking taunts in the finals.

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Truest words Mitt Romney ever spoke? In response to being asked about comments he made earlier this year about Obama and Jeremiah Wright, Mitt said “I stand by what I said, whatever it was.”

 

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American Idol finalists  announced tonight.    But all the last three probably got more votes than either Romney or Obama will get in November.

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An autopsy report apparently showed evidence of marijuana in Trayvon Martin’s system after he was shot. Uh, okay, wouldn’t that make him LESS likely to be aggressive and violent? (And it’s not like Zimmerman tried something like taking his Doritos.)

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So are the DJ’s playing “Last Dance” in heaven tonight? One of the best dance songs ever, for those of us youngsters of a certain age. R.I.P. Donna Summer.

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Is it too soon to retitle them the Miami “Not so Hot?”

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Final arguments today in the John Edwards trial. Will be interesting….leaving the legal issues aside, can you convict someone for being a douche bag?

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For the first time ever in the U.S., more children were born to minorities than non-Hispanic caucasians last year. Wonder if this finally might change some Republicans’ stance against birth control.

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For the first time ever in the U.S., more children were born to minorities than Caucasians last year. Wonder if this finally might change some Republicans’ stance against birth control.

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The NCAA is looking at overhauling rules to provide “stronger, more predictable penalties” for violations, including possible fines for a university up to five percent of its annual athletic budget. Is this known internally as the SEC tax?

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SF Giants beat St. Louis Cardinals today 7-5. More amazing than the seven runs? The fact that the three errors today were all in the Cardinals column.

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The best part of waking up?

May 17, 2012

A new study says that people who drink two to three cups of coffee a day may live longer. And those who have their coffee in the morning are also presumably less likely to kill their family and coworkers.

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A 6’6″ and 350 lb Wisconsin man is picketing an “all-you-can-eat” restaurant who he said cut him off after a dozen pieces of fish.   6’6″, 350 lbs?   Well, if nothing else, sounds like walking around with a sign might be good for his health.

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Reporters,(including one from that liberal rag the Wall Street Journal) complained that they were physically restrained today at a public Florida event from asking questions of Mitt Romney. A Romney spokeswoman said “an error had been made.” Right. Next time they won’t give the press advance warning.

 

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From my friend Gary Bachman:  Texting while walking has been banned in a Fort Lee, New Jersey. The law was enacted after Gov. Chris Christie visited the town and was involved in an accident. He was texting while walking and did considerable damage to a Mini Cooper.

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Random thought about this Clemens steroid trial. Who’d a thunk one of the most honest men in baseball might turn out to be Jose Canseco.

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John Edwards’ lawyers rested their defense, without calling their client to the stand. Okay, if you’re a lawyer, and your own lawyers think you’re now too unlikeable to help your own cause, you might really be a scumbag.

 

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NBA says they will not suspend or fine the Heat’s Dwyane Wade for his flaqrant foul on the Pacers’ Darren Collison. Their rational can be found in the rulebook under the “Superstars do not commit flagrant fouls” section.

 

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Meanwhile, Lebron James said that with Chris Bosh out it was a “lot more taxing being in there with bigger guys.” “Wow, that sounds rough, I feel for you,” said no one outside South Florida.”

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Lindsay Lohan made a cameo on “Glee” last night as a guest judge for the nationals singing competition. Good casting choice. How many other 25 year olds would make the cast of Glee -many of them her age – look so young by comparison?

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Skechers will pay a $40 million settlement after the FTC said their advertising misled consumers into thinking their “Shape Up” and “Tone Up” shoes would give them a figure like Kim Kardashian’s without “setting foot in a gym.” Well, anyone who believed the claim probably at least matches Kim in intelligence if not figure.

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A thought about this evidence that George Zimmerman showed signs of injuries from a fight the day after he shot Trayvon Martin: This case is for a jury to decide, but one thing is sure – no one would have been hurt if George had just obeyed the dispatcher who told him not to follow Trayvon in the first place.

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Not ready for prime time?

May 16, 2012

Not saying Los Angeles doesn’t deserve a good hockey team, but….NBC Los Angeles did a story about the Clippers, Lakers, and Kings all being in the playoffs…. and they used the logo for the NBA’s Sacramento Kings instead of the NHL’s Los Angeles Kings.

 

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Meanwhile down in Anaheim, the disappointing Angels rank 12th in the American League in runs this season. Fans are shocked, there are two teams scoring less runs than the Angels?

(answer, yes, Seattle and Oakland. as of today.)

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Thomas Williams,   Catholic priest, author and television personality,  has admits fathering a child “several” years ago.   The Vatican’s reaction, embarrassment, but relief that at least his transgression involved an adult woman.

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Husband grumpily reading resumes tonight.  Open note to job seekers:   If you really want an interview,   it’s a good idea at least to  use spell check on your cover letter.     (Really.)

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As the second Roger Clemens trial drags on, and on, a juror was removed for falling asleep. Sounds like they lost the smartest guy in the jury pool.

 

 

Then later ANOTHER Roger Clemens juror fell asleep during the trial and was removed today. (Yes, two of them.) The remaining jurors are adding to their resumes “Ability to watch paint dry.”

(as my comedy-writing friend Jerry Perisho says “Note to self, falling asleep will get you out of jury duty.”

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U.S. stocks fell again on worries about the Greek debt. So when is Romney going to call for an invasion of Greece?

 

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Derrick Rose had successful ACL surgery and will be out about 8-12 months. Which means he’ll just barely miss the last round of the playoffs.

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Manny Pacquiao said President Obama’s views on gay marriage are a “direct attack on the morals of society and the will of God, saying that “America should be the model of morality for other countries to emulate.” Right, and who in the U.S. are better to judge standards of morality than professional athletes?

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Mitt Romney is alleging a “personal beef” between the Clintons and President Obama. And Mitt should know about these things – he has such warm relationships with his fellow Republicans….

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Mitchell Guist,, star reality TV star from “Swamp People,” died yesterday in Louisiana. Many Americans responded with “That’s sad news.” Even more Americans responded “What the heck is Swamp People?””

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An AP/CNBC survey of 1000 Americans said 46% of respondents think Facebook will fade away, and 43% believe the site will be around for a long time. Of course, it took the pollsters over 5000 calls to get that many answers, as most people were too busy updating their Facebook accounts.

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Jerry Brown thought  California was $9 billion in debt but says now the state is  really $16 billion in debt.   Is he running for election or for CEO of JPMorgan.

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Even after he apologized for the company’s $2 billion trading loss, shareholders just approved JPMorgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon’s $23 million pay package at the bank’s annual meeting. And just try being a week late with your Chase credit card payment.

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Pacers 78-Heat 75.  Okay,  it’s only game one.   But might this be the first May in memory that we have a big sporting win in Indiana – that has nothing to do with lots of very fast left turns?

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Blue Jays third baseman Brett Lawrie spiked his helmet after a bad 3rd strike call in the bottom of the 9th, and it hit the umpire. So he’ll probably be suspended. At least this probably won’t happen in San Francisco or Anaheim. These days in that situation those teams wouldn’t hit anything.

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A bite with Mitt?

May 15, 2012

Donors to Obama’s campaign were entered into a drawing to have dinner with the President and George Clooney.    Donors to Romney’s campaign get a drawing to have “a bite with Mitt.”    Just Mitt.    What, Ted Nugent wasn’t available?

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An investigation found that Newark at TSA took corrective actions for only 42% of security breaches at the airport between 1/1/10 and 5/31/11. But hey, they confiscated several thousand bottles of water.

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While gas prices have come down in most of the country, they have spiked in California in the last couple weeks, apparently due to “refinery issues.” What’s a “refinery issue?” I think it’s “We have the refineries, we can charge whatever the h*ll we want.”

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Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski says London 2012 will be the last Olympics he coaches the U.S. men’s basketball team. Guess if coach K wanted to spend time with overpaid prima donnas, he’d just move to the SEC.

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Ron Paul announced he’ll stop campaigning for President. Which means he’ll be getting about the same amount of media coverage he’s gotten so far in 2012.

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MLB dropped its 100-game suspension of Rockies catcher Eliezer Alfonzo for a positive drug test because the sample wasn’t sent in promptly enough. So once again, “If the urine sits, you must acquit.”

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Former New Jersey high school star Billy Rowell, the Baltimore Oriole’s 1st round draft pick in 2006, has been suspended for 50 games for a 2nd violation of the minor league’s drug testing program. Uh, wouldn’t you think someone caught once would be more careful? Even Snooki is thinking this was stupid.

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Oklahoma City Thunder 119, Los Angeles Lakers 90. If this keeps up when the series heads to Staples Center Jack Nicholson will ditch the sunglasses in favor of a paper bag over his head.

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From T.C.  “So what’s the diff between USDA Select, USDA Choice, USDA Prime and Kobe? ”  They are just different grades of Dead Meat!   –

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So the chief investment officer at JPMorgan Chase is out, to be replaced by Matt Zames. Who according to CNN was “formerly a senior trader at Long-Term Capital Management, the failed hedge fund that placed massive bets on the trajectory of interest rates and required a $3.6 billion bailout from the Fed in 1998.” Well, that should inspire confidence.

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The number #2 name for baby boys in the U.S. in 2011 was “Mason.” Which allegedly is due to Khloe Kardashian’s naming her son Mason. If so this is the kind of thing that makes one fear for our country’s future.

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A California man has been arrested for allegedly driving at speeds of up to 104 mph with his 9 year old son and a teammate because they were late for a kids’ soccer game. And many parents are going “100 mph for soccer? How crazy can you be? Now, for a Little League game, maybe.”

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The Bachelorette” starts tonight with Emily Maynard. Host Chris Harrison says that because Emily is a single mom the show won’t be “the superficial drama you’ve seen in seasons past.” Right, it will be a different kind of superficial drama.

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Virgin Atlantic has announced they will start allowing passengers to make and receive phone calls in flight. Meaning a crying baby may soon not be the worst possible seatmate.

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Bad actors?

May 14, 2012

NBA commissioner David Stern, on allegations of “flopping” by the Miami Heat.   “I think it’s time to look at (it) in a more serious way.  We should give out Oscars rather than MVP trophies.” Unless of course our MVP’s are doing the acting.

 

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On a more serious note, for those worried about signs of the apocalypse,  the headline  “Clippers win playoff series”  has to be right up there.

 

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Metta says he won’t shake hands with James Harden. So once again we have the disappointment of no handshake for World Peace.

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Milwaukee Brewers closer John Axford says said his blown save this week put his wife into labor. If true, there should be a lot of new baby Mets fans born today on Mother’s Day.

(for those who missed the train wreck, New York took a 4-2 lead into the bottom of the ninth in Miami, and lost 8-4.)

 

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A dancing dog won “Britain’s Got Talent.” I guess a “Dancing With the Stars” Nancy Grace joke would be inappropriate….

 

(or as Augie says, “if were a dancing bitch, a Bristol Palin joke would have been inappropriate.”)

 

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Man City won the EPL title in a major upset on a goal difference today. And most Americans responded “I have no idea what that sentence means.”

 

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The CEO of JPMorgan Chase said his bank made a “terrible, egregious mistake” in losing $2 billion trading credit derivatives in the last six weeks. But says the bank is still very strong. Well, yeah $2 billion is only a fraction of the $25 billion they received in TARP money.

 

And on the subject of mistakes, egregious and otherwise,  of course many Americans know how wonderfully understanding Chase is when a mistake makes a customer late with a credit card bill.

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Yahoo CEO Scott Thompson apparently has resigned.  What next? Well, it ought to be interesting when he sits down with a recruiter and his resume.

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The Los Angeles Kings took a 1-0 lead tonight in the NHL Western Conference Final. “That’s awesome” was the second most common response in Los Angeles. “We  have a hockey team?” was the first.

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Happy Mother’s Day.

May 13, 2012

This must be the most stressful day of the year for NBA players –  so many baby mamas –  so little time.

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Bill O’Reilly dismissed the Mitt Romney prep school bullying story as “dumb,” and added that “Everyone does stupid things in high school, and added that he himself shot someone in the back with a BB gun. Is O’Reilly defending Romney or campaigning to be Vice President?

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The second round of the NBA playoffs has started before the first round has ended. More of the league’s efforts to make the postseason as confusing and nonsensical as the regular season.

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Baylor basketball star Brittney Griner will be in a cast for four weeks after a skateboarding accident. I guess this is another step towards equality – young women athletes being as stupid as young men.

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Eduardo Saverin – no problem building a company that started linking students at U.S. universities, with U.S investment, and U.S. educated employees But when it’s time to pay 15% U.S. capital gains tax – hey, I’m outta here. See you, suckers.

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With the way the GOP is trying to make an issue of President Obama’s support of gay marriage I hope none of them plan to go out to restaurants or have their hair done at their National Convention in Tampa.

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Three of the “Top Ten” plays tonight on ESPN are from….lacrosse? Let me guess which network is covering (and selling ad space) for the NCAA men’s lacrosse championship.

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From my friend Gary Bachmann:  “Betty White says she usually keeps her political views to herself, but this year she is announcing her preference for Barack Obama. This is her first public show of support for a candidate since she came out in favor of John Quincy Adams.”

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A top GOP pollster is circulating a memo saying that the party needs to evolve on gay issues. Wonder what upsets some conservatives in the party most – The idea of giving more rights to homosexuals, or the idea of evolving?

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Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer just signed a bill that allow employers to ask workers whether or not their prescription birth control pills are for medical, non-sexual reasons. Where’s the follow up bill to allow them to limit Viagra prescriptions to married men with pre-menopausal wives, and then only once a month for conception reasons?

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L.A. L.A. land

May 11, 2012

The  Los Angeles Lakers have been pushed to a game 7 by the lowly Denver Nuggets.  Maybe they’re just trying to prove that money and talent are nothing without World Peace.

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Much excitement on ESPN etc that Tiger Woods has made the cut this weekend and will at least finish the Players’ Championship. Wow So finishing is now a goal? Woods has gone from Jack Nicklaus to Danica Patrick.

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Corporations are greedy people example of the day: American Airlines charges extra for “preferred” seat assignments. Fair enough. But on a plane where coach goes back to row 32, the “preferred” seats are EVERY aisle and window as far back as row 25.  –

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Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band have announced a concert at Fenway Park on Aug. 14. Well, at least Boston fans can look forward to one guaranteed day in 2012 of cheering for big hits.

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NBC is axing Tina Fey’s “30 Rock” after next season, along with “Parks and Recreation” and “Communities.” Guess the network is looking for new and different ways to be last in the ratings.

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A thought about that Time magazine picture of the mom breastfeeding her 4-year old. While it’s a free country, it might be considered a bit creepy if your kid is old enough to text when he/she wants milk.

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Get out the violins – Josh Beckett in response to criticism of his playing golf on an off-day and then being too sore to pitch: ”We get 18 off days a year, I think we deserve a little bit of time to ourselves.” Well, at least looks like Beckett and the rest of the Red Sox will have another October off.-

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If Beckett makes any more stupid comments,  following the whole beer-fried chicken debacle in 2011, we may see a study checking pitchers for concussions.

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“Angry Birds” has now been downloaded a billion times. Which means a lot more people have used their phones to play the game than actually to call and talk to someone.

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Another thought about Scott Thompson, the Yahoo CEO who blames his phony degree on his resume on some hiring firm: Ever notice how when there are resume “mistakes” they never make the person look less educated or as if he or she went to a lesser school?

 

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Ah commas, another whacky liberal invention. This typo on Mitt Romney’s website about Gun Rights: “As president, Mitt will work to expand and enhance access and opportunities for Americans to hunt, shoot, and protect their families,  homes and property.”

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Many conservatives are saying that President Obama’s statement on gay marriage was politically motivated. Wonder what their explanation is about Mitt Romney speaking at Liberty, a Christian university with a Theology course on “The history, doctrines, and present state of the major cults such as Mormonism, Christian Science, Jehovah’s Witnesses and Seventh Day Adventism.”

 

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From Marc Ragovin:  “Tim Tebow has changed the name of his dog from “Bronco” to “Bronx,” even though the Jets play in the Jersey Meadowlands. Good to see the cross country move hasn’t affected his accuracy.”

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Parenting over the rainbow.

May 11, 2012

You cannot make this stuff up dept:  One of the people criticizing President Obama for his gay marriage decision, saying that “we know that in general kids do better growing up in a mother/father home,” is Bristol Palin.

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Here’s an interesting reaction to President Obama’s statement: “It is significant,” but “I, for one, am dissatisfied with half steps. I hoped for a leap from our president.” The speaker – Meghan McCain. Must be some interesting dinner table conversation in that family..

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Sarah Palin after President Obama’s saying his daughters influenced his thinking on gay marriage: “It would have been nice he had been an actual leader instead of merely reflecting what many teenagers think after one too many episodes of Glee.” Guess Sarah thinks Obama should have been watching more serious television – like Dancing With the Stars.

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Yahoo’s beleaguered CEO Scott Thompson allegedly said he wasn’t the one who fabricated a Computer Science degree and that he never noticed the bogus degree on his resume. If true, forget the lying, the man is too STUPID to be a CEO.

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If Thompson gets fired from Yahoo he certainly has a chance to catch on at Costa Cruises – the man has “fell into a lifeboat” down cold.

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The parents of an 18 month old said they were ordered to leave a JetBlue flight because the little girl was apparently on a no-fly list. Well, sounds like a TSA mistake. On the other hand, most frequent fliers can relate to being terrorized by onboard toddlers.”

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Howard Stern, who is going to join “America’s Got Talent,” says he would be a better judge than Jennifer Lopez is on American Idol: “If I sit there and just sit in a beautiful dress and tell them they’re wonderful, they’re not going to get anywhere.” And Steven Tyler said, “Wait, that’s my job.”

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.Less than two days after she said she became a Swiss citizen, Michele Bachmann is giving up that Swiss citizenship. Saying that she was making the quick change to prove she is a “proud American citizen.” Either that or she’s hoping to impress Mitt Romney as a potential running mate.

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Now that he’s with the NY Jets, Tim Tebow has changed the name of his dog “Bronco” to “Bronx.” What? Guess it was too unwieldy to call the pup “Meadowlands.”

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Time Magazine’s latest cover on “Extreme Parenting” shows a mother breastfeeding her four-year-old son, both of them standing up. And most teenagers think their parents had the most embarrassing little kid pictures of them….

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Gas prices have fallen as much as 20 cents a gallon in the U.S. in the last month. Stand by for Mitt Romney taking credit for it.

Leaving the marriage issue aside, here’s a question for my friends and readers of all political persuasions: Will there be an OPENLY gay male pro athlete in one of the major U.S. sports in the next 20 years? (Baseball, football, basketball, and sure, why not, hockey)

And if so, what sport?  My friend Michael Duca suggests basketball:  “just  because sooner or later someone’s going to notice the one guy who does not have 7 children by 9 mothers.

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We Hoped, we got Change….

May 9, 2012

Some folks can’t decide if they are madder at President Obama today because he said he now supports gay marriage, or because he said he came to the idea through evolution.

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Just wondering.  How come conservatives who are anti-gay marriage love to quote the Bible on homosexuality, but somehow forget all the verses on incest and polygamy etc?

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“I am more convinced than ever before that as we seek to establish full equality for America’s gay and lesbian citizens, I will provide more effective leadership than my opponent.” A quote in response to Obama’s statement today? No, a 1994 statement from Mitt Romney while running against Ted Kennedy.

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Since marriages are in the headlines today, anyone else thinking that these NBA playoffs are going to last longer than Kim Kardashian’s and Kris Humphries’s marriage?

Amazing listening to all the conservatives criticizing President Obama’s statement that he now supports gay marriage. Where was this bashing when the same position was stated by Dick Cheney?

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Sheryl Crow forgot the lyrics to “Soak Up the Sun” during a Florida concert, and laughed it off with “I’m 50 what can I say! My brain has gone to s-.” Well, if true this ought to be entertaining when Aerosmith tours this summer….

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A Boston radio station is reporting that two days before he missed a start because of muscle stiffness, Red Sox starter Josh Beckett was playing golf. Hmm, maybe he’d have been better off sticking to recreational fried chicken and beer.

Patricia Krentcil, the “tanorexic” mom, has apparently been banned from several New Jersey tanning salons. So when can we expect John Boehner to stand up for the rights of orange people?

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Michelle Bachmann has used her husband Marcus’s heritage to claim dual Swiss citizenship. And Switzerland is saying “Wait a minute, I thought we and the U.S. had a mutual non-aggression pact.”

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Former Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino’s motorcycle, the one he was riding at midnight with his mistress, is for sale.. Value of the 2007 Harley Davidson, approx $16,000. Repair cost: $18.000. Cost of the ride to Petrino’s reputation: Priceless.-

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The NY Times is reporting that NCAA is already investigating Nerlens Noel, a top high school basketball recruit who has committed to play for John Calipari’s Kentucky Wildcats. Hmm, if they find something could that make Noel a “none and done?”

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Jerry Sandusky’s lawyer says he needs more time and has asked for another delay in the former Penn State asst. coach’s sexual abuse trial. Presumably until say, 2035?

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Richard Lugar on Tea Party activist Richard Mourdock, who defeated him in the primary. “His embrace of an unrelenting partisan mindset is irreconcilable with my philosophy of governance.” And Mourdock’s supporters probably respond with “There Lugar goes again, with all those fancy foreign words.”

So many closers injured,  so many ineffective.   This is really tough for the Yankees.  They haven’t yet figured who they want to buy to replace Mariano Riviera.

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Oft-injured Josh Hamilton led a group of Texas Rangers in an impromptu “Slip and Slide” game today on the tarp before a rain out at Baltimore Camden Yards. Rangers management cannot have been amused. . But “Boys will be boys” responded AL pitchers.

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From Gary M. “How about Josh Hamilton’s line last night at Baltimore: 5 hits, 4 home runs, 8 rbi, 4 runs scored, 18 total bases. Or, as the Mariners would call it: April.”

 

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