Archive for December 2010

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The streak is dead, long live the streak.

December 31, 2010

Stanford women’s basketball winning streak – three.   UConn – zero.

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Stanford 71 – UConn 59. Washington 19 – Nebraska 7. Looks like a lot of people Thursday night bet on the wrong Huskies. 

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But kudos to both teams on this one….  Watching Stanford-UConn women’s basketball game. Two of the best basketball programs in the country….and no starter on either team has been arrested or suspended for academic reasons. What a concept

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Ohio State coach Jim Tressel said he would have have taken his five suspended players to the Sugar Bowl if they had not pledged to return in 2011. And why should the coach doubt their word? If any of the players, including QB Terrelle Pryor, decide to declare for the draft, Tressel can always suspend them.

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Ohio State tops the nation in spending on their collegiate football program, spending $31.7 million this year alone. Yeah, can’t imagine how those five suspended Buckeye players could have gotten the idea that the game was all about money….

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The fine for Brett Favre over the Jenn Sterger sexting allegations: $50,000. The fine for the Jets for their coach’s misbehavior in the Dolphins game: $100,000. Translation, if you’re thinking of doing something naughty on the sideline, don’t trip someone, send them dirty pictures, it’s cheaper.

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ESPN announcers are saying what a great job North Carolina Coach Butch Davis has done because he had 35 players lost for at least part of the season due to suspension or injury, and 14 players lost to “NCAA allegations.” Well, I am not sure “great job” is the phrase I would use but Davis is certainly running an NFL ready program.

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How bad was New York City’s response to the latest blizzard? Rumor has it that former President George W. Bush called up the mayor to say “Bloomie, you’re doing a helluva job.”

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The storm was bad, the city’s response may have been worse. In fact, this may go down as the least effective attempt to clean up a mess in New York since the Mets hired Jerry Manuel.

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Fans of Sarah Palin’s “Alaska” will now be able to purchase a two-disc set that includes all seven episodes of the show. For some reason, however, the discs stop playing after episode four.

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Augie wonders, why did the NFL spend all that money on a forensic specialist to verify if the pictures were indeed of Brett Favre’s junk?  They could have just asked his wife.

(Of course, it’s possible Brett was so focused on his extra-curricular activities, Deanna doesn’t remember.)

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Various junk….

December 30, 2010

San Francisco 49ers’ owner Jed York said he would spare no expense and search nationwide for a new general manager for the team.  But it appears he will simply promote vice president of player personnel Trent Baalke from down the hall.

Sounds like he spent about as much time searching as O.J. did for the real killer.

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Regarding that $50,000 fine for Brett Favre. The man makes $16 million a year. Which means for the average American, he’s paying about the equivalent of a speeding ticket.

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But really, $50,000 total for inappropriate texts?   This just in, Tiger Woods has dubbed Favre “The Luckiest Man in the World.”

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But okay, you think you have a rough job.  How’d you like to be the forensic analyst who the NFL hired to decide if “beyond a reasonable doubt” those really were pictures of Brett Favre’s junk?

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The Associated Press, says that a “person with knowledge” told them that federal authorities are investigating if Senate Republican candidate Christine O’Donnell used campaign money for her own personal expenses.

The AP hopes to do a followup interview, as soon as they find out on what lilypad their informant now lives.

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While I understand the President’s intent in congratulating the Eagles for taking a chance on ex-felon Michael Vick, I have to wonder, would Obama have made the same call had Vick had a season like say, Alex Smith.

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Andnow, ladies and gentlemen, doing their job to fill in admirably since there are no live late-night joke monologues this week, I give you the NCAA spokesman, this time on the Auburn-Ohio State controversies:

“Money is not a motivator or factor as to why one school would get a particular decision versus another.”

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A man in South Carolina was hit by an SUV while playing a real life game of “Frogger.”

(yes, that old arcade game where you try to jump a frog through lanes of fast moving traffic, only he was playing the frog role.)

The only thing keeping this guy from a guaranteed Darwin award is the fact that the hospital says he will probably live.”

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The Post Office has announced that all new first class stamps will be “Forever” stamps. Is that referring to how long the stamps will last or how long it will take your letters to get there?

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From Gary Morten: This just in, Terrelle Pryor has just signed an endorsement deal with QVC.

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I guess that’s why they call it the “poos?”

December 29, 2010

 Elton John, 63, and his husband David Furnish have become parents to a baby boy. Well, give old Elton some credit. At his age at least he’s having a child instead of marrying one.

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Although wait a few years until Elton and David are trying to teach their son to be polite and never use coarse language in public.   Can’t wait to see the look on little Zachary’s face when he figures out that dad not only said the word,  but wrote a song with the title “The Bitch is Back.”

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The Golden State Warriors are sending Palo Alto High and Harvard grad Jeremy Lin to the D (Developmental) League, so he can get some playing time against lesser competition and learn how to be a serious NBA level player. Fans in Sacramento are wondering if the same thing can be done with the entire Kings’ team.

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Scary to think where the Minnesota Vikings might be this season if Brett Favre had decided to stay home and work on his photography skills.

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And for those keeping a list,  maybe we can now add Joe Webb to the long column of names of unheralded quarterbacks who are more effective than former #1 pick Alex Smith.

(or for that matter, Jamarcus Russell.)

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Sue Paterno, the wife of Penn State coach Joe Paterno, 84 said the rumors her husband will resign are “lies,” and his health is fine. Unless, she reportedly added, he decides to emulate Hefner with a 24 year old. Then Joe will be dead.

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It’s been about 2 1/2 years since the AP and others filed “freedom of information” requests for emails from Sarah Palin’s time in office. But the Alaska Governor’s office says they need more time to prepare them, and has asked for a (15th) delay, until May, 2011. Guess Alaska couldn’t afford an automated “spellcheck” program.

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Madame Tussaud’s in London has announced plans for a Kate Middleton wax figure, which will be placed next to her fiance, Prince William, and future brother-in-law Prince Harry.

They are also considering a figure of American superhorse Zenyetta, which would be placed next to Camilla Parker-Bowles.

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Spokesman Kevin Lennon defended the NCAA’s decision to suspend five OSU players for selling memorabilia and getting free tattoos, but also allowing those five to play in the Sugar Bowl: “The notion that the NCAA is selective with its rules enforcement is a tired myth rooted in bias and personal perception.” I think I liked “I did not have sex with that woman” better.

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Are we thawed out for some football…?

December 28, 2010

Apparently Brett Favre will not play Tuesday night unless he passes a concussion test. Such a test would require Favre demonstrating he is thinking clearly and rationally. Shame for Vikings fans they didn’t adminster one at the beginning of the season.

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Many if not most NBA fans haven’t gotten over “The Decision.”  Now following the uproar over his latest remarks about having few NBA teams, Lebron James stated today that he really isn’t in favor of contraction. 

You know, “The King’s Speech” is a great movie about a speech therapist named Lionel Logue who helped King George VI avoid embarrassing himself everytime he opened his mouth.  Wonder if Lionel has any descendants in Miami…..?

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But really, James is an incredible talent.  Except lately he seems to get in more trouble opening his mouth than anyone not named Monica Lewinsky.

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The Miami Heat-Los Angeles Lakers game on Christmas drew the NBA’s highest holiday television rating since 2004. But Lebron James and his friends actually had an even more stunning accomplishment for the day – turning most of America into temporary Lakers’ fans.

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Julian Assange has apparently signed a contract to write his autobiography. But how can the publisher possibly believe anyone will actually buy a copy of a book that a month ahead of time should be completely leaked to the internet?

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The Florida Gators surprised their fans by announcing that they will be without four starters against Penn State in the Outback Bowl. The real surprise, the players involved are all injured, none were arrested or suspended.

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With the snowfall back east, both the Giants and Jets were stranded in the midwest, and temporarily unable to fly home. Based on their team’s performance against the Packers, however, Giants fans are okay with them staying there for a while. (Like maybe until the Spring thaw.)

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The Chilean miners are all heading to Disney World on an expense-paid trip that Disney has donated. So these men survived over two months being trapped underground; now comes the real test, how will they do on a few back-to-back rides on “It’s a Small World?”

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My comedy writer  friend Jerry Perisho wonders about Hefner’s latest engagement and if he asked his fiancee’s father. I wonder if Hugh asked her grandfather?

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Sarah Palin is now saying that her created word “refudiate,” was simply the result of hitting the wrong key instead of the P while she was tweeting. Uh, okay, but if so wouldn’t the word have read “reoudiate”, or “reludiate?  (Take a look at a QWERTY keyboard if this makes no sense.)

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Jolly older men.

December 27, 2010

On Christmas Eve, Michelle Obama helped answer phone calls from children to NORAD’s Santa tracking hotline. Which is a change from the last two first ladies. Laura didn’t want to spoil the fantasy for George W., and while Hillary Clinton has many skills, keeping track of the whereabouts of large smiling men was never her strong suit.

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So Hugh Hefner, 84, is engaged to a 24 year old Playmate. Americans aren’t known for their higher math skills, but I suppose we may now find out how many times 84 goes into 24.

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Hugh Hefner tweeted the announcement of his engagement to his 24 year old girlfriend Crystal Harris . What’s more amazing, that the 84 year old Hef is marrying a woman 60 years his junior, or that he knows how to use Twitter?

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With their game against the Eagles now scheduled for Tuesday, the Minnesota Vikings have now had three games in a row delayed and/or moved this winter.  Maybe it wasn’t a good idea for Brett Favre to say privately that he would retire when “hell freezes over.”

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The Kraft “Fight Hunger” Bowl will be January 9  at A T and T Park between Nevada and Boston College.  Not to be confused with the San Francisco 49ers – Arizona Cardinals game on Jan 2 at Candlestick Park, which will probably be known as the “Fight Boredom” Bowl.

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Ever wanted to have a good example for the phrase “Addition by subtraction?” How about the Cincinnati Bengals on Sunday – with their best win of year, 34-20 over the Chargers? And due to injuries neither T.O. nor Ochocinco were involved.

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In Philly Disney’s ice show has been postponed along with Vikings-Eagles game. So with Brett Favre still hoping to play that makes two delayed “Fantasies on Ice.”

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So who had December 26 in the Mike Singletary pool?

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This just didn’t turn out to be Singletary’s year…. the man much remembered for his role in the “Super Bowl Shuffle,” will now be remembered for his role in the 49ers Quarterback Shuffle.

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After the latest census, New York lost two congressional seats while Florida gained two seats. Won’t affect things that much in Washington though, those new residents are mostly former New Yorkers who just fled south to avoid the winters.

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And to all a good night..

December 25, 2010

Hope anyone reading this has a had a great Christmas, and remember, if Santa didn’t give you exactly what you wished for, maybe it’s not so bad.

Just think of all those Minnesota Vikings fans who just wished last year that Favre would return for the 2010 season.

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Note to Lebron, however this comes out, I just don’t remember Jesus ever announcing to the world that he was taking his talents to Nazareth.

 

 

 

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BCS – Big Conference Santa

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NBA Christmas Carol: “Whose Child is This?

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And this classic from my friend Jerry Perisho – Tiger  Woods’ carol:  “I’m dreaming of a White Mistress.”

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The marquee NBA Christmas game is the Heat-Lakers. Although the 20 or so “have-not” teams in the league probably view it the same way the Christians used to view a matchup between Lions.

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Stanford has apparently sold about 10,000 tickets for the Orange Bowl. Although they clearly aren’t the profit generators the Ohio State Buckeyes are for these post-season games. Why, apparently no players have even listed their swag for sale yet.

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On the other hand, more Stanford fans have bought tickets for a bowl game across the country than Raiders fans buy tickets to most home games.

 

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Back from internet never neverland tomorrow, thanks also to all readers for their patience.

 

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Christmas eve

December 24, 2010

more random thoughts from a week with very little internet……

Apparently Christmas isn’t a favorite holiday at the Palin household. Seems Santa hasn’t been around much since the time Sarah served the family that fresh venison dinner.

WNBA star Diana Taurasi tested positive for a performance-enhancing drug. So much for all those who said women will never be the sports equals of men.

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The NCAA’s decision regarding suspending Terrelle Pryor and his OSU teammates for selling memorabilia, but not until after the Sugar Bowl, may rank as one of the most unbelievable public statements of all time. Well, at least since Bill Clinton said he would be “forsaking all others.”

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From Gary Morton:  Guess those OSU players didn’t learn much from the Cam Newton case. Otherwise they would have had their parents sell all their “souvenirs,” and they could have picked up all kinds of new swag from the Sugar Bowl.

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And yet another thought regarding that NCAA-Ohio State nonsuspension: Hard to believe there were people just a few weeks ago who thought the NCAA couldn’t sink any lower than they did with the Cam Newton decision.

From TC, – Did Rex Ryan dress up at the Jets Christmas party as Frosty the Toeman?

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Meanwhile,  in New Orleans, local residents are shocked at the Ohio State case. Not that they would be above a little greed and corruption.  But in Louisiana they would be a lot less likely to be caught so easily.

 

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And at least the sort of thing that “happened” to the Buckeyes is not likely to be added to the list of sins Michigan fans have for Rich Rodriguez.  Rich hasn’t taken the Wolverines to the kind of bowl where you get serious swag.

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Lebron James thinks contraction (ie reducing teams) would be a good thing for the NBA fans.    Many folks in Cleveland and around the U.S. agree with him.  Starting with the Heat.

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Supposedly Santa has a special gift for the Favre household this year.  A Magic 8 ball with only one answer.

 

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And who is most likely to be dreaming in vain of a White Christmas?  Lindsay Lohan at the Betty Ford Center.

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No Credibility At All

December 23, 2010

Terrelle Pryor and four of his Ohio State Buckeye teammates have been suspended for 5 games for the 2011 season for selling sports memorabilia for thousands of dollars.  But not the Sugar Bowl. Guess the NCAA didn’t want to deprive them of their major source of income.

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On the bright side for football fans in the state of Ohio, at least SOME players who have been getting paid actually are performing.

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or a variation:

Well, we’ve just had confirmed what many sports fans have long suspected. The best performing professional football players in the state of Ohio play for the Buckeyes.

 

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Some are saying the five suspended OSU players should just go pro.  Actually, sounds like they already have.

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While we don’t know Lebron James’ Christmas wish for 2010, I think it’s a safe bet that 2009’s wasn’t for a copy of “How to win friends and influence people

 

TC Chong, on Nike, Reebok, Adidas and other manufacturers being up in arms at China producing lame, cheap, substandard, broken down, under-performing clones of real products and trying to pass them off as genuine: “But enough about Yao Ming.’’

The Poinsettia Bowl will apparently go on despite there having been several inches of water on the field most of the week.   It  was pretty bad.  Normally the only thing so underwater this time of year for football in California are the Raiders’ playoffs hopes.

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Thursday night’s  game- the Panthers vs. the Steelers.  Are we sure this isn’t a plot between the NFL and our nation’s retailers to convince the men of America that there are things worse than shopping?

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Back to politics:

 

Obama’s comeback – it’s a START.

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Although, really, how long has this lame-duck Congress been in, and NOW they start doing things?  Reminds me of the line about the English King Charles 1, at his execution – “Nothing in life so became him  as the leaving of it.

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Counting down towards Santa…

December 22, 2010

Although in Philly, fans already got their present from Santa Dodge.

 

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Interim Vikings coach Leslie Frazier won’t put Brett Favre on injured reserve yet.

Which means long-suffering Minnesota fans will still have nightmares about the ghosts of Favre Past, Present and Future.

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Since Favre isn’t practicing, however, he has been trying to keep busy. That volunteer job at the North Pole, however, washed out.  Apparently it took Brett several days just to decide if the first ten kids on the list Santa gave him were naughty or nice.

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The Yankees are only paying $18 million in luxury tax this year.  Which curiously enough is about the same total payroll of the 2011 Greinke-less Royals.

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Prince Frederic Von Anhalt, the husband of Zsa Zsa Gabor, apparently was hospitalized after mistaking a bottle of nail glue for eye drops and accidentally gluing one of his own eyes shut.

Well, I don’t know about deaf,  but he’s certainly got “dumb and blind” down.

 

Apparently 23 percent of U.S. high school graduates can’t get the minimum score needed on a test to qualify for the military. It’s okay though, most of them are in college playing football.
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Regarding those 23 percent of high school graduates who can’t pass the military qualification test. Wonder how many of them refudiate the results.
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In England,  the Business Secretary, Vince Cable (this is similar to a U.S. Cabinet position), was stripped of his responsibilities after he claimed to have declared war on Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp (parent of Fox)  empire.
Wonder how long it might take him to get a sympathetic message and a job offer from President Obama….

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Letter from Santa?

December 20, 2010

Open reply letter from Santa to Chicago Cubs fans:  I got all your nice letters. Really. And I promise I’ll take care of that little World Series thing as soon as I take care of a few simpler requests like world peace.

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Note to Canadian readers – Santa apparently sent almost the same letter to Maple Leafs fans.

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Meanwhile, in Oakland, parents whose children have asked for things they can’t afford or don’t want to buy have an easy out.  “Sorry, kids, Santa hired Jamarus Russell to help him toss toys from the sleigh down the chimney.  Latest word is he’s still wondering where they ended up.

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The Vikings upgraded Brett Favre to questionable for tonight’s game against the Bears.  Frustrated fans responded that Brett has been questionable for most the year.

A recent polls showed 52 percent of Republicans believe in creationism.   Well, on some level it makes sense. These folks don’t do much for the theory of evolution.

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from my funny friend Jerry Perisho:

Racehorses who run well in sloppy weather are called “mudders.”  If they ever make a movie about those horses starring Robert De Niro and Ben Stiller, will they title it “Mudder fockers?”

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and from Alex Kaseberg.  Some parents-to-be have actually asked their Facebook friends to name their soon-to-be-born baby. So let’s all get ready to welcome to the world, little miss ROFTLMAO.

 

This a combined effort with T.C.  (since he sent me a great minds comment.)

There’s a new page in the NFL handbook for rookie punters.  1.  When punting at the end of the half or the end of a game, make sure to punt the ball out of bounds.  2.  If you can’t punt it out of bounds, for Gawd’s sake punt it to the sidelines. At least that way one of your coaches will have a chance to trip the guy.

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DADT

December 19, 2010

Great news on the Senate vote yesterday. Now “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” can go back to being how Carolina Panthers feel about each week’s game.

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Or as my friend Steve Moyer says, now it won’t be confused with the Panthers’ team motto: “Don’t tackle, don’t block.”

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Tim Tebow is making his first start Today, despite worries that he may not really be an NFL quarterback.  Well, it hasn’t stopped Alex Smith.

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From Bill Littlejohn:  Paris Hilton says she is putting together a motorcycle racing team. Well, she’s never had any problem getting riders.

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In Toronto, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper delivered an early Christmas present to children at the “Hospital for Sick Children” – an air hockey game.

The gift went over well. The  only problem, after a few hours of practice, the kids beat the Maple Leafs.

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Troy, led by freshman Corey Robinson, rewrote the record books at the New Orleans Bowl.   Leading to this reaction from most sports fans.  Where is Troy, and there WERE records at the New Orleans Bowl?

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Phil Cavarreta, the 1945 MVP, who led the Cubs to their last World Series appearance, died at the age of 94.    Which, for a history lesson for younger Cubs fans, was the last team heartbreak not involving Steve Bartman.

 

Apologies for the short posts-  on vacation this week without much internet access, but the show must try to stagger on.

 

 

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Benched, bothered and bewildered.

December 17, 2010

So the Redskins benched Donovan McNabb in favor of Rex Grossman.  Wonder how many folks in Chicago are recovering from beer, milk, wine coming out of their nose?

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Michigan State Coach Tom Izzo will sit out Michigan State’s game on Saturday against Prairie View A&M, after receiving a one game suspension for a “secondary” rules violiation involving hiring an associate of a potential recruit.

Really? A one game suspension against Prairie View A&M.  Wonder if the NCAA will also make sure Izzo gets medical attention for that slap on the wrist?

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With the Broncos’ regular QB  Kyle Orton ailing, there is a chance Tim Tebow could start Sunday for Denver. There is some concern that the former Heisman winner may not yet be NFL ready. Although based on their record, neither are the rest of the Broncos.

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The Big 10 has announced they are “reconsidering” their “Leaders” and “Legends” designations for their two new football divisions starting in 2012.

What was their first clue?   All the computer science and engineering students students signing up to play online?

Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany said he was “surprised” by fan reaction, which he referred to as a “90 percent nonapproval rating.”   Yeah, that is surprising.  10 percent of fans like the names?

From Bill Littlejohn”  Suddenly the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim doesn’t sound so bad.

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The Beef O’Brady’s Bowl,  pitting Louisville against Southern Miss, will be played December 21 at Tropicana Field in St. Petersburg,.  Is this some sort of experiment to see if they can find a sporting event that will underdraw the Tampa Bay Rays?

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Yao Ming is out for the year with a stress fracture in this ankle. Which means that Jeremy Lin, from Palo Alto High School and Harvard,  is currently the best Asian player in the NBA.

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Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh will accept the Woody Hayes award for coaching from the Touchdown Club in Columbus in February, and he says he is thrilled bcause “Woody is one of my heroes.” Anyone still think Harbaugh is a frontrunner to coach at Michigan?

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Oh, the weather inside is frightful….

December 16, 2010

Brett Favre is iffy, now the Vikings placed his backup Tavaris Jackson on injured reserve with a turf toe injury. Who knew? Looks like the Metrodome is in better shape than Minnesota’s quarterbacks?

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Still, conditions in the dome, including another leak, will make it uninhabitable for a while.

(Twins fans, happy and with no regrets with their new outdoor stadium, say “What else is new?”)

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The Chicago Bears may protest having to play their upcoming game with the Vikings outdoors at the University of Minnesota’s TCF Bank Stadium, because the outdoor stadium has limited facilities to warm the turf. Other NFL teams who have played over the years at Soldier Field just giggled.

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Possible good news for Chicago fans though.  If the Bears play as badly as they did against the Patriots, maybe there will be enough snow  that no one can see it.

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The Vikings put out a desperation call for a QB – Favre is out, Jackson is out. Minnesota wanted to know if ANYONE could play this weekend. Rumor has it JaMarcus Russell called and said “I’m available.” And the Vikes said, “Uh, actually we were considering a direct snap offense.”

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Brett Favre spoke today about his shoulder injury potentially being career ending: “There’s no way I would even consider (playing) with those symptoms still. I think I would be foolish to even think that way.” And who would ever think Favre might make a foolish decision?

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After Thursday night, they’re the 5-9ers.

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49ers, or 5-9ers, coach Mike Singletary after tonight’s 34-7 loss.  “We had a lot of opportunities, we made mistakes, we let it get away from us.”  Doesn’t that pretty much describe San Francisco’s whole season?

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Director Blake Edwards died today at the age of 88. Funeral arrangements are pending while his family looks for an appropriate “Reum.”

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R.I.P. Bob Feller, 92, one of the greatest pitchers of all time. Larry King was particularly saddened by his passing; King had hoped to have “that nice young man” on his farewell show.

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Listening to the news where they describe a murder suspect as being “armed and dangerous.” Excuse me, if someone is a suspect in a murder, and they are “armed,” isn’t it a given that they are also dangerous?

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Love this line from Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times, about one of the greatest Canadians ever to play baseball, (no, that’s not an oxymoron) Ferguson Jenkins, who has been honored with a postage stamp in his native country:

“Best thing about Canada’s new Ferguson Jenkins postage stamp?

You don’t even have to lick the whole thing — just hit the corners.”

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Love and money.

December 16, 2010

 Mark Zuckerberg is Time’s 2010 Person of the Year for creating Facebook. Of course, with more and more people getting their news from social media, this means most Americans will hear about the award in a post, instead of reading the magazine.

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Senior citizens heard the Zuckerberg story and said “What’s Facebook?”

Young people heard the story and said “What’s a magazine?”

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Apparently Buckingham Palace has admitted that engagement pictures of Kate and William were slightly retouched before being released to the public.  This, however, is not a new practice.  Apparently when Charles and Camilla had their portrait done, especial attention was paid to Camilla’s mane.

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Carnival Cruise Line, which already cancelled two months of sailings to fix their damaged ship, the Carnival Splendor, announced Wednesday that they would cancel cruises for five more weeks into 2011, as repairs are taking longer than they thought. Which means the ship will be out of commission at least three months.  And you thought your mechanic kept your car in the shop too long.

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The University of Alaska at Fairbanks ranks 8th amongst U.S. colleges with the lowest graduation rates, with only 27 percent graduating. And Sarah Palin angrily responded “They’re not quitters, they’re fighters.” 

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My friend Jeff Klein recently heard a commercial for Hollywood Psychics. It said: We are not witches, gypsies, or pirates; we are you, just psychic.”  Well, that answers the question “Whatever became of Christine O’Donnell?

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The NCAA ruled Arizona State’s baseball team must vacate 44 of its wins from 2007. The team will also be banned from the 2011 postseason for multiple infractions under former head coach Pat Murphy, who “resigned” under pressure after the 2009 season. So what did Murphy think he was running at ASU? A football program?

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Mark Cuban, the flamboyant owner of the Dallas Mavericks, said he has a plan using his own money to entice college football teams into a playoff system instead of the BCS. So this would be a billionaire, fighting millionaires, over alleged amateur athletes, on behalf of the average sports fan. Is this a great country or what?

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Speaking of money, money, money, money, Cliff Lee is being lauded by many sports fans and media types for turning down the highest offer from the Yankees, and following his heart back to Philadelpha.   But, hey, folks, he DID sign for five year at $120 million. Not maybe exactly quite appropriate for a rousing chorus of “What I did for love.”

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Listening to Cliff Lee say it wasn’t about money, but he wanted to go to the team with the best chance of winning a championship. Yo, Cliff, I’m sure the SF Giants would have given you a few million to be their fifth starter.

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Numbers game.

December 15, 2010

 The New York Yankees say they are not upset about being spurned by Cliff Lee. In fact they are happily going to move on, and just buy the Phillies.

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But regarding the Cliff Lee signing saga, who knew? On the whole he’d rather be in Philadelphia.

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From Gary Morton: The Yankees haven’t been “whupped” this bad by someone named Lee since Bull Run.

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Brett Favre still isn’t ready to rule out coming back for one more year.  But while Vikings’ fans may have had enough, late night talk show hosts and comedy writers are unianimous in saying he shouldn’t give up on his dream.

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Lies, damn lies and statistics example for the day: With the Phillies signing of Cliff Lee, right now the “average” ERA for starting pitchers next year in the state of Philadelphia looks pretty good. Tell that to Pirates fans.

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Looking ahead? The game currently known as the “Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl” just inked a deal with BYU to play in 2013, assuming the Cougars end up at least a .500 team. The New York Yankees are wondering how much it would cost to make the same arrangement with the 2013 World Series.

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But really, BYU is a basic lock for a 2013 bowl, Hawaii, Army and Navy have similar deals, Ohio State is going to New Orleans because the Sugar Bowl organizers knew from a prior bowl their fans would buy tickets and show up….   As far as rewarding the best competitors these bowls are making “Dancing with the Stars” look good.

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New University of Florida football coach Will Muschamp says he intends for the Gators to start running a pro-style offense. Makes sense with so many U. of F. players ending up in the NFL. Might as well make the transition a little easier, especially as some of them will no doubt be taking a pay cut.

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NY Jets coach Sal Alosi has been fined $25,000 and suspended without pay for that little sideline incident with the Miami Dolphins player. Which makes this one of the most ill-advised and expensive little trips ever, or at least since Tiger Woods decided to race off heaven-knows-where down his own driveway.

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The Redskins cut punter and holder Hunter Smith, whose inability to catch the ball for the extra point cost Washington a chance to tie the game against Tampa Bay last week. Smith was also the team punter, but his net average was 31st in the NFL.

Okay, you punt for the Redskins and you are nearly the worst in the league?   No excuse.  Or at least it’s not a question of lack of practice.

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Regarding ESPN’s new theory of World, or at least National League, domination:

Roy Halliday is 33,  Cole Hamels is 27, Cliff Lee is 32, and Roy Oswald is 33.

Meanwhile the oldest of the S.F. Giants “big four,” Jonathan Sanchez is 28.  Matt Cain and Tim Lincecum are 26, and Madison Burgarner is 21.

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Mitt Romney now says that American workers should just save money to pay for their own unemployment benefits. And presumably these workers should save enough so they can eat their daily cake too.

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Well, we don’t know how John Boehner will do as Speaker of the House, but we sure know he must never have played baseball.

(Since a few friends never saw “League of their Own” –  as Tom Hanks said, “there’s no crying in baseball.”)

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Streaks and geeks.

December 14, 2010

After this weekend, Minneapolis crews are working frantically to see how long it will take to repair their aging structure and have it NFL ready as soon as possible. And besides Brett Favre, they are hoping to fix the Metrodome too.

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So the Big 10 starting in 2011 will have 12 teams , and the Big 12 starting in 2012 will have 10 teams.  Here’s a radical idea. Swap numbers.

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Instead, the Big Ten, which will now have twelve members, is dividing them into two football divisions: Leaders and Legends. What, they thought the players would find “North-South” or “East-West” too complicated?

Leaders and Legends?  Well it’s hard to figure out who is in which category.  Except for the high-priced consultants who came up with this idea.   For them I think the term is “Losers.”

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But really, don’t those categories sound like a “Comic-con” seminar, or as my friend Tim Church says, a video game?   And then they added this baby blue logo. Just in case the whole package wasn’t dorky enough.

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Brett Favre’s string of 297 straight starts ended today. His continuous passing streak, however, ended when Deanna heard about those texts to Jenn Sterger.

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Current Yankees theme song. “Can’t buy me love, can’t buy me Lee either.”

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Cliff Lee to the Phillies? So much for all those who said it couldn’t get any worse than this year for Mets fans.

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Halladay, Lee, Oswalt, Hamels, Blanton…. Sorry Phillies, but that starting five might almost be as good as Cain, Lincecum, Bumgarner, Sanchez, and either “fill-in-the-blank” or Zito.

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Amazing photos of that deflated Metrodome roof going around. It’s absolutely the most ridiculous image ever to come out of Minneapolis, at least since Deanna Favre took Brett’s camera phone away.

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 More about Sal Alosi, the NY Jets coach who tripped the Dolphins runner from the sidelines. He may receive a fine and/or suspension from the league. But if he can do the same with Michael Vick or Ben Roethlisberger, PETA or NOW will send him a nice bonus.

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The international pole dancing championships are this week in Japan.  The sport is growing and becoming more mainstream, although fans say they were too late to make a serious bid to be included in the 2012 London Olympics.

Although rumor has it the mostly male IOC is looking through their records to see if there is precedent for an exemption.

If pole-dancing ever makes it to the Olympics, we will definitely see a first for the games…. men asking their wives, so when do the gymnastic competitions start?

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Snow place like home.

December 13, 2010

 Well, so much for those who said nothing in Minneapolis this year would collapse faster than Brett Favre’s dream of going back to the Super Bowl…

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Brett Favre has apparently told teammates that he doesn’t think he will play Monday night. And God responded  “You mean I collapsed that roof for nothing?”

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Unfortunately for Vikings fans, snow meant their game was postponed. Unfortunately for Bears fans, snow meant their game wasn’t.

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My friend Douglas Hudson commented “how embearassing.”

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But really, the Bears offense falling apart  because a game was played in the snow?    (They lost 36-7 to the New England Patriots)  What’s next, Drew Brees having a bad passing day due to Superdome air conditioning?

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 Meanwhile, in Washington, the Redskins continue their quest to find the most creative possible ways to lose a game. Today a great last minute drive negated by their holder not catching the ball on an extra point try. What’s next? For the price of a charter flight the Stanford band is available.

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In fact, as contentious as things might get in our nation’s capital, the one resolution that would probably get passed unanimously is a bill stating simply “Redskins Suck.”

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New York Jets coach Sal Alosi has apologized for a “total lapse in judgment” for tripping the Dolphins’ Nolan Carroll as he ran along the sidelines during a punt return today. No word on any potential punishment, but on the brighter side Alosi has been offered a job playing defense for the Dallas Cowboys.

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So coach Rex Ryan buried a game ball after his Jets were destroyed on MNF by the mighty Patriots. What’s he going to bury after they got beat by the mediocre Dolphins?

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‎49ers 40 – Seahawks 21. Today’s game at Candlestick Park was so embarassing for Pete Carroll that he had to think he was back with USC playing Stanford.

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 The 5-8 49ers are still inexplicably alive for a playoff spot in the woeful NFL West. And there are signs that coach Mike Singletary has gotten just a bit cocky after this week’s 41-20 drubbing of the Seahawks. For example, in the team’s locker room, Singletary has already hung a banner saying “Mission Accomplished.”

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Although to be fair, S.F.’s win did mean that at least for this year, they’re not the 4 and 9 ers.

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7-11 has come up with their own brand of wine, available exclusively at their convenience stores,, and known as “Cherrywood Cellars.”  Of course, wine snobs might argue that instead of cherries, wine is generally made from grapes.

On the other hand, if you care about what fruit your wine is made from, you probably aren’t shopping for it at 7-11.

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from Bill Littlejohn. on the Japanese space probe that’s hurtling toward the sun after it overshot Venus: “So much for JaMarcus Russell’s career as an aerospace engineer.”

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The Heisman and other politics

December 12, 2010

 Regarding President Obama’s efforts to get a tax cuts-umemployment benefits-etc bill through Congress:

It’s pretty clear that some Democrats have either not heard of “Quid pro quo.”  Either that, or they think he is some Korean pitcher signed by the Dodgers or Yankees.

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Okay, just in case you thought you are too sports-obsessed, ESPN Insider has a story tonight about teams that might be on the bubble for March Madness. Yes, that’s March 2011 for a season that’s barely started. And if you are truly concerned about those bubble teams – yes, you might be too sports-obsessed.

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The Giants-Vikings game in Minneapolis has been postponed due to snow. Snow? In Minnesota in December? What’s next? A Miami Dolphins game being postponed due to sun?

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Cam Newton said in his Heisman acceptance speech that “parents do a lot of things behind the scenes that go unnoticed.” And at least one thing that he wishes had stayed unnoticed.

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 Apparently some Heisman voters not didn’t blame Cam Newton for the acts of his father, they felt sympathetic to his parental situation and were  thus more likely to vote for him. Ah, now that might explain a certain young woman’s run on “Dancing with the Stars.”

(well okay, except for the fact that Newton has talent.)

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At least this pre-Heisman hype will finally be simmering down.  A newspaper article on the Heisman finalists said that Andrew Luck could go as high as #1 in the NFL draft. Well, I’m pretty sure he won’t go higher.

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An AP-Stanford poll said 68 percent of Americans believe problems in schools are the fault of the parents. And Cam Newton and his dad said “See?!”

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And Sarah Palin allegedly said the study was  “proof that most Americans want government off their backs regardng their children – that’s less than half.”

Apparently the only thing WikiLeaks chief Julian Assange has been asking for in jail is access to a computer. And sure, what could possibly go wrong with that?

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Paul McCartney is still impressive. But wonder if there’s any truth to the rumor that had he not felt up to performing “Saturday Night Live”  would have postponed the show due to weather to become “Sunday Night Live?”

Don’t get me wrong, Sir Paul is definitely still “dishy.” But at 68 he has had at least as much work done as Nancy Pelosi.

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A Saturday without college football?

December 11, 2010

This week, between the regular season and the bowls, is basically the only Saturday without college football. Well, okay, there are some FCS (Division 2) playoffs, and the Army-Navy game.   Which basically means for hard core college fans the message is – “Don’t ask what’s on,” and “Don’t tell me the answer.”

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There is of course a big award ceremony in New York, where the only drama is whether the likely winner is likely to keep his trophy. Maybe for the sake of clarity this year’s award should be referred to as “the Interim Heisman?”

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Saturday over 109,000 fans will crowd into Michigan Stadium for an outdoor hockey game featuring the Wolverines and Michigan State Spartans. This will be the largest crowd at the stadium for any event other than a football game. At least until Michigan sells tickets to the public firing of Rich Rodriguez.

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Urban Meyer resigned from Florida “to spend more time with his family.”  But there is that Broncos head coaching job open, with Tim Tebow. Standby for God to give Meyer a sign about expanding the definition of family.

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A document written by James Naismith 119 years ago detailing the 13 rules of basketball was sold for over $4 million Friday. Naismith wrote the rules while a YMCA PE instructor, as an idea to entertain boys during the winter. Apparently he was particularly concerned about finding an outlet for a young Greg Oden.

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No one was hurt when a camel and her costumed rider fell into the audience during a rehearsal for a Christmas pageant in Florida. I can imagine it now – “We Three Kings….” oops, make that two kings.

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A Burger King employee is in custody today because he punched a 67 year old customer who was allegedly being disruptive, and the man later died. This is shocking. Normally the only thing that will kill you at Burger King are those double and triple Whoppers.

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How lucky is Alex Smith?  He’s had a horrible several years in and as out as quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers, and his poor performances look likely to continue. And yet, he’ still won’t go down in history as the worst Northern California quarterback draft pick this decade.

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The World Anti-Doping Agency is investigating Dimitrij Ovtcharov, who won a silver medal for Germany in table tennis at the Beijing Olympics. Apparently the agency became suspicious when he jumped the net to congratulate an opponent.

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Cam Newton says he “is not disappointed in his father.” Why should he be? Dad got the money and covered his son’s ass to boot.   Not a bad job.

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‎65 days until pitchers and catchers report for Spring Training 2011.  And about three weeks after that until Cubs fans start staying “Wait until Next Year.’

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Sarah Palin is going to Haiti for a humanitarian mission. This could work. Democrats, and some Republicans, are frantically raising money for the beleaguered country in hopes of offering them enough to keep her.

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Allegedly Palin is heading to Haiti because she wants to show her strength in Barack Obama’s childhood home.   I mean, Haiti, Hawaii, it’s the same place, right?  An island that starts with H and ends with I. (Unfortunately she can’t see either from her house.)

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Tacky time

December 10, 2010

 The Philadelpha Eagles are complaining that other teams aren’t being penalized for illegal hits on Michael Vick. But really, should they be surprised? It’s a “dog eat dog” world.

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One little potential sidelight of the Orange Bowl, by the way, is that the Stanford band will have an opportunity to do a halftime show while playing Vick’s alma mater, Virginia Tech.  I’m sure if they choose to honor Vick it will be done in a tasteful fashion.

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Alex Smith of the San Francisco 49ers said in an interview he still believes he’s a good quarterback. Even Sarah Palin said “That man is seriously delusional.”

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The University of Texas paid football coach Mack Brown over $5 million this year. And the Longhorns won exactly five games. Wow.  Maybe this is the guy who should be coaching the 49ers and Alex Smith.

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$1 million dollars a victory. That’s actually less than what the San Francisco Giants have paying Barry Zito.

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That fired Macy’s Santa from San Francisco, (who was  fired for telling a very mildly risque joke to an older adult couple who wanted to sit on his lap)  has become an international sensation.  Newspapers and media outlets from all over the world are picking up the story. And tonight, Santa, aka John Toomey, appeared on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

Apparently current day Macy’s executives learned NOTHING from watching “Miracle on 34th Street.”  .

(for anyone who hasn’t heard the joke, it’s retold at the bottom of this blog.)

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So DADT failed on the floor of the Senate Thursday because “only” 57 Senators wanted to bring it to a vote. Uh, maybe I’m wrong but I thought part of what our military has been fighting for is the right to have a majority-rule democracy.

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Derek Fisher made a last-second layup for the Lakers to beat the Clippers 87-86.  A buzzer-beater against the Clippers? Shouldn’t that have an asterisk?

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We’re less than a week from the end of the college football season, and a month away from the end of the bowl season. And so far Iowa’s WR Derrell Johnson Koulianos and Nebraska’s DT Baker Steinkuhler have been arrested. Disappointing on some level but good news for all those who took “over” in the police blotter pool.

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You cannot make this stuff up: I received an email on behalf of two cruise clients from Princess Cruises warning that their immigration information was not complete and they would not be able to board. Turns out they had passport, birthdates, etc, all fine, but the missing information was that they forgot to say Mr. Scott X is male, and Mrs. Sarah X is female.

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Thought from Bill Littlejohn: “The first seven minutes of the men’s college basketball game between Illinois and Oakland was reportedly mistakenly played with a womens ball.Actually, it was a men’s ball that had been mistakenly stored in the Colorado Rockies’ humidor” 
 

(Wonder how they could tell they had the women’s ball. The ref’s first clue might have been that the players were actually passing it.)

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The joke that got Santa fired at Macy’s, which he said he never told to children, was that the reason Santa is so jolly is that “he knows where all the naughty boys and girls live.”

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