Posted tagged ‘Ravens jokes’

Time for the Church of Baseball?

July 29, 2014

Forget all these minor league players the #SFGiants are using to try to right the ship. Is Susan Sarandon busy? #bulldurham

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#SFGiants fans doing the wave? Is this a competition to see if folks in the stands can be as embarrassing as team on the field?

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With so many teams thinking they have a chance for a Wild Card, there’s a lot less action around the July 31 MLB trade deadline. Of course, if baseball wanted more media attention, they’d figure out a way to get Lebron James involved in some of these decisions.

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With the trade deadline approaching, players’ families on non-contending teams are anxiously awaiting possible moves. Which means in late July with the Cubs, most wives have real estate agents on speed dial.

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Donald Trump just said he won’t do anything ‘totally stupid’ in his bid to buy NFL’s Buffalo Bills. Why stop now?

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FSU will use GPS tracking devices on their football team this season during games. The school wants to monitor and track different analytics to prevent injuries. Tallahassee police presumably wonder if the players can keep them on 24-7?

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A new study found that more than 35 % of Americans have debts in collection. And Texas cities have some of the largest shares of their populations being reported to collection agencies: Dallas (44.3 %); El Paso (44.4 %), Houston (43.7 %), McAllen (51% and San Antonio (44%). Heck of a Texas Miracle, Rick Perry.

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Not the NFL.  Apparently #ESPN actually worries about losing their female audience.. Steven A. Smith was suspended 5 shows for his comments…., more than #RayRice.

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Almost as creative as “Witness for the Prosecution.” Lawyers for former Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell and his wife Maureen McDonnell, on trial for corruption, are claiming that the couple couldn’t have conspired together, because they weren’t speaking to each other at the time.

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Robert McDonald, a former Army officer and corporate CEO was confirmed today as the new Veterans Affairs secretary by a 97-0 vote. 97-0?! And Obama nominated him? Where was the Ted Cruz filibuster?.

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Apparently Oakland Raiders owner Mark Davis has had preliminary talks with local officials about moving the team to San Antonio. Guess with just having the Spurs in town, the city feels in need of a sports train wreck?

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Passengers on a three-hour Boston Harbor whale watching tour were stuck on the boat overnight when it got entangled in the line attached to a lobster pot. Were there warning signs? Like two names on the manifest being “The Professor” and “Mary Ann?”

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It’s getting bad in Baltimore. The next Ravens’ arrest may be for impersonating a member of the Cincinnati Bengals.

From Alex Kaseberg.   “The Baltimore Ravens have had five arrests in the off-season. It is so bad, “Netflix” is making a series about the Ravens called: “Orange is the New Purple and Black.”

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Rangers catcher J.P. #Arencibia had 7 RBI’s tonight. One more than #SFGiants have had in last six games combined.

Just call him Babe.

July 13, 2014

madbum

Madison Bumgarner, leaving the mound in the 7th inning today in a game where he was not only the winning pitcher, but hit a double and a grand slam. The real shame of him leaving when he did. Madbum’s turn at bat was coming up.

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Is it too late to add Madison Bumgarner to the All Star Game home run derby roster? #SFGiants

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#Madbum was saying all week he wanted to hit in the All-Star game home run derby, and was texting NL Captain Troy Tulowitzki about it. Troy’s got to be second guessing that decision about now.

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Maybe now that the #WorldCup is over the SF Giants realized they were allowed to score without penalty kicks.

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(actually posted before today’s game that “You know it’s been a rough month when your starting pitcher comes into a game with a higher batting average than four of your starting lineup.” After his double and grand slam, Bumgarner now has a higher batting average than anyone on the team except Hunter Pence.
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Who’s done a better acting job in the last month? The floppers of the #WorldCup or millions of Americans who pretended to care about soccer?

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Understatement of the year. Eric Holder, in responding to Sarah Palin’s call for Obama’s impeachment. ““She wasn’t a particularly good vice presidential candidate.”

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So figure… the last game before the All-Star break between the Yankees and Orioles ended up in a rain delay…. and was called after midnight. Might have been the first game ever played Monday of All-Star week.
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Colin Kaepernick apparently has a new tattoo. How could anyone tell?


Cornerback CB Jimmy Smith was arrested at a suburban Baltimore bar last night and charged with misdemeanor disorderly conduct. Smith is the 5th Raven to be arrested this off-season. How long until Baltimore changes their team color to orange?
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CNN has decided to make yesterday’s story of the United flight diverted to Midway Island today’s front page news. Standby for tomorrow’s story of all the islands where they COULD have diverted MH370.

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ESPN story talked about “bravery” with the “Running of the Bulls in Pamplona. Can think of a number of adjectives. “Bravery is not in the top ten. (If we’re going for “Bs” – “Braindead”, maybe.)

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Not so fast times.

May 23, 2014

Yu Darvish threw a 55 MPH pitch yesterday to Torii Hunter. The commentators referred to it as an eephus pitch. SF Giants fans saw it and thought more “Barry Zito fastball.”

 

Do get the feeling that the only way most Americans would know about the coup in Thailand is if Kim Kardashian and Kanye West were planning their wedding there and the ceremony was postponed….

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Chipotle has asked customers not to bring guns into their restaurants. And in some “open carry” states, people are asking, “Wait, but how else are we going to get the morons in front of us to hurry up and order?”

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Landon Donovan has been left off the U.S. World Cup team. Well, at least America’s possible best soccer player ever is likely to miss only one round.

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Donald Sterling apparently will allow his wife Shelley to sell the Clippers. Guess he figured out they had about a billion reasons to do so?

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Why education really SHOULD matter to student athletes. As the SF Chronicle reports, on May 3, Cal safety Damariay Drew went with his teammates to San Quentin. The idea being to show the players the consequences of bad decisions. On May 6, in Berkeley, Drew was arrested for alleged felony battery….

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The Baltimore Ravens had a press conference with Ray Rice and his now wife. And the Ravens TWEETED this out “Janay Rice says she deeply regrets the role that she played the night of the incident.” Even Chris Brown is thinking this is f**ked up

 

The Washington Redskins responded to the letter sent by 50 U.S. Senators asking them to change their name. Saying that the team is “a positive, unifying force for our community in a city and region that is divided on so many levels.” Not sure about “positive” but “unifying” for sure. Who else but the Redskins can get the whole city together screaming “Dan Snyder s*cks!”

 

Colin Kaepernick and Richard Sherman are apparently the finalists for the cover of “Madden 15.” Based on the video game’s history, maybe 49ers fans should all be rooting for Sherman.

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Colts owner Robert Irsay will only face two misdemeanor charges resulting from his March DUI arrest, where he was also caught with $29,000 in cash in the car and “numerous” prescription bottles. So he probably won’t do jail time but is expected to face discipline from the NFL. Probably almost as severe a punishment as Roger Goodell doles out for players with the wrong socks.

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Angelina Jolie, saying that she doesn’t have it that hard as a working mom “I actually feel that women in my position, when we have all at our disposal to help us, shouldn’t complain “Consider all the people who really struggle and don’t have the financial means, don’t have the support, and many people are single raising children. That’s hard.” Who knew? Self-awareness? This could get her drummed out of Hollywood.

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As tough as it is for writers out there, you’d think NFL players could hire one cheaply to edit their statements to the press. Ray Rice, talking about his domestic violence episode. “”I won’t call myself a failure. Failure is not getting knocked down. It’s not getting up.”

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From my friend Alex Kaseberg “ If I was a writer for the Redskins – and they thank god I am not – I would respond to the US Senators’s demand for a name change with; “You are right, our name is awful and horrific. From now on we are the District of Columbia Redskins.”

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The #SFGiants Jeremy Affeldt almost hit by a foul ball while jogging to bullpen. Giants fans amazed he didn’t end up on the DL for weeks.

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Colorado’s young star 3B Nolan Arenado is no doubt heading to the DL after breaking his finger after sliding head-first into 2nd. As an SF fan, it’s good for the Giants. As a baseball fan and a mom, guys, use your heads. And not for sliding.

 

From T.C. “Prince Charles and Camilla have arrived in Winnipeg for the final leg of their Canadian tour. For the record, Camilla is NOT wearing a nasal strip.”

Tangled up in blue.

March 25, 2014

Sen. Mitch McConnell’s put out an online campaign video featuring Kentucky horse racing, bluegrass, and basketball. Except the picture was of the 2010 men’s national champions – Duke.. Ah well, geography is another of those commie pinko liberal concepts.

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David Cassidy was sentenced to three months of rehab and five years probation for his 2nd DUI in six months and third in less than two years. It’s all part of Los Angeles’ celebrity “Three strikes and we’re really really going to warn you” policy.

 

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Malaysian Airlines flight 370 is an awful story. But how many people at this point are really looking forward to the day they find the plane so CNN can go back to their regular coverage of norovirus on cruise ships?

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The Baltimore Ravens have had 3 players arrested in a month, Ray Rice for assault, WR Deonte Thompson for possession of marijuana, and OL Jah Reid for misdemeanor battery during a bar fight. On a brighter note, at least none of the arrests were for murder.

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A 9 year old Colorado girl who shaved her head, to support a friend who went bald because of cancer treatment,  was temporarily suspended for violating her school’s dress code. Really? Even in Florida the response is “Are you folks nuts?”

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Really. The Tea Party is now complaining that the new OFA “Don’t Tread on My Obamacare” bumper sticker is stealing their symbol. Because they had first stole the Gadsden flag fair and square from the American Revolution?

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Can’t wait to see who ESPN’s experts predict will win the Sweet Sixteen game between Ohio State and Kansas. Oops, never mind.

 

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The NFL is going to start penalizing goal post dunks in 2014. Well, at least this is one problem that won’t be faced by the Oakland Raiders.

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NY Knicks at LA Lakers Tuesday night on TNT. I’ll take “Games that looked good when they drew up the schedule” for $500, Alex.

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Donald Rumsfeld just said “a trained ape” would be better at foreign policy than Obama. One, says who? Two, that’s not a nice way for him to talk about his former boss.

 

The Dodgers have ended the NY Yankees’ 15 year streak of leading MLB in payroll. Now let’s see what kind of a streak L.A. can start of proving money doesn’t buy championships.  (In the 21st century, the Giants have twice as many World Series titles as the Yankees. Just sayin’)

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Investigators have decided that the reason behind Paul Walker’s crash was not a mechanical failure, but rather driving 94 MPH on city streets with a 45 MPH limit. Alas once again, the story is, “Too fast, survivors should be furious.”

 

From guest driver on the bus to hell Bill Littlejohn  “Ex-NBA player Quinton Ross was falsely reported dead on what he calls a ‘tough day’.The day could’ve been worse, though–the report could’ve been true”

 

Interesting, Jimmy Fallon just used almost this exact joke below  from yesterday. I know someone at the Tonight Show with Jay Leno used to “borrow” stuff from this blog. If you’re reading this and are from the new Tonight Show, message me. I’ll freelance officially for cheap!

Anthony Weiner has a new gig as a political columnist for Business Insider. Wonder if he knew it’s “Insider” not “Inside-Her.”

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Can’t win them all.

February 5, 2013

For all those feeling inadequate because they can’t be good at everything, may I remind you that Nate Silver, after erring with his predicted Patriots-Seahawks Super Bowl, regrouped to pick the 49ers to win yesterday.

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While the team got it back, reports are that the Baltimore Ravens actually lost track of the Super Bowl Trophy last night. Might be the last time John Harbaugh asks “Bro, can you watch my stuff?”

 

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Rick Santorum on allowing gays into the Boy Scouts: “Scouting may not survive this transformation of society, but for the sake of the average boy in America, I hope the board of the Scouts doesn’t have its fingerprints on the murder weapon.” Wow. Fortunately Christianity will no doubt survive Rick Santorum.

 

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says that NJ Gov. Chris Christie is “already hard at work” to avoid a repeat Super Bowl power outage next year. Presumably with a strong disincentive for anyone to screw up. Four words – “Concrete shoes Hudson River.”

(ot even less PC, if people screw up Christie is threatening to sit on them.)

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SF RB Frank Gore says he feels the 49ers “showed we were the better team. It was just a couple plays here, a couple plays there.” Probably the same thing the Atlanta Falcons felt a couple weeks ago.

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Las Vegas prosecutors have decided not to charge SF Giants pitcher Sergio Romo after he got into an New Year’s Day argument with TSA officials over showing his identification at the airport. Must have been a tough call, as police have so few real other problems to deal with in Las Vegas…

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John McCain told people to “lighten up” after he was accused of racism for putting a joke on Twitter joke comparing Iranian Pres. Ahmadinejad to a monkey. Shocking! John McCain knows how to tweet?

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Can’t imagine why the U.S. Post Office is losing money. Line out the door at the local branch, Monday afternoon, and their response is to close two of four windows….

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In Manhattan, a former Navy SEAL is recruiting women who are military veterans to work as nannies. Well this ought to liven up disputes at Little League and soccer games.

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Leave the non-call aside, when the 49ers got to 1st and goal at the 7 yesterday, anyone else reminded of Cal-Stanford 2009, when Jim Harbaugh’s refusal to give Toby Gerhart the ball at the Bears 13 yd line cost the Cardinal the game, and perhaps Gerhart himself the Heisman?

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Reports are that Candlestick Park will be imploded after next year’s SF 49ers season is over. Responded most MLB teams, “Only about 30 years too late.”

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A little Super Bowl sidelight. For millions and millions of Americans that potential non-call in the endzone with the 49ers driving towards a go-ahead TD was irrelevant. Had SF made it, and even gone for 2, they still wouldn’t have covered the 4 point spread.

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From Marc Ragovin, a joke for disgruntled 49ers fans:  “What is the difference between the NFL and WWE?”

“One stages sporting exhibitions with predetermined results aided by complicit referees, while the other features The Rock.”

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Jeez, Ray Lewis on that 2000 double murder ” God don’t use people who commit anything like that for His glory. If our system took the time to really investigate what happened 13 years ago, maybe they would have got to the bottom line truth.” So now that Lewis is retiring will he do an O.J. hunt for the real killers?

 

Not dead, sleeping?

January 13, 2013

There are rumors that Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is actually dead. Even so he might be more effective than the U.S Congress.

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So how did the Broncos somehow snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory tonight? Is it just possible that maybe God doesn’t want Tim Tebow disrespected?

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A New York City school bus strike could start Wednesday and might keep 152,000 children from getting to class. Talk about a way to turn impressionable young minds into union sympathizers.

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So after almost a month of post-season football I’m confused, which playoff game is sponsored by Poulan Weed-Eater?

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Just once would like to see a defensive player flagged for pass interference indicate “Yeah, you caught me” as opposed to the injured innocence “Who, me?” -
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Even Doug Flutie is thinking that Flacco pass  was unbelievable.Beyonce apparently is now releasing a sonogram of her pregnancy with Blue Ivy. Enough to make you long for the innocent old days of wardrobe malfunctions.
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Theo Epstein says the Chicago Cubs don’t want to be known as “loveable losers.” So he’s going to have them stop being loveable?
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Wells Fargo posted a record profit in its 2012 fourth quarter. You know what that means- banking fees are going up.
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Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, who resigned after the fallout from his extramarital affair, will announce that he will run in a special election for a House seat. Amongst his likely opponents, Sanford’s ex-wife Jenny. Now there’s a debate I’d pay to watch.
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The Toronto Blue Jays have signed catcher Henry Blanco, 41 to a 1-year $750,000 non-guaranteed contract. “Only one year? Give the young man some time to develop,” said Jamie Moyer.
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So who did Peyton Manning think he was at the end near the end of that Ravens-Broncos game?  Brett Favre?
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The White House has responded to petitions from Americans in several states asking permission to secede, saying the Supreme Court confirmed the “Constitution, in all its provisions, looks to an indestructible Union composed of indestructible States.” In short, “no”. But really, would it kill us to lose Florida?
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Gary M. on the Kobe-Vanessa Bryant reconciliation – “They likely just sat down and hashed everything out over a couple of DeBeers.”

He was, Penn State.

January 23, 2012

R.I.P. Joe Paterno – For his sake it was a shame the cancer didn’t kill him six months earlier. And remembering this Edmund Burke quote -“All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.”

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The cancer killed Paterno so quickly, you have to wonder, was part of the problem that he waited too long to report the symptoms?

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Jerry Sandusky’s statement on the passing of Joe Paterno: “This is a sad day!” Yes, agreed, sad that the passing wasn’t Sandusky’s
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Kyle Wlliams has now joined Tim Tebow as one of those rare players who can get 60,000 plus fans on their feet screaming “Jesus Christ!”

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Weather was so bad at Candlestick fans expected to see a baseball game break out.

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Alex Smith picked a bad time to start looking like Alex Smith.

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The worst thing about a Boston-New York Super Bowl. It will give ESPN an easy excuse again to start talking about the Red Sox-Yankees.

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Kyle Williams will never have to buy himself a drink in New York again.

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Baltimore fans watching that last drive? “tell me truly, I implore — Is there — is there balm in Gilette? — tell me — tell me, I implore!” Quoth the Ravens “Nevermore.”

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In accepting his MVP award, Ryan Braun said “we all deal with challenges we never expected to endure.” Wonder if that translates to “damn guy TOLD me the stuff was undetectable.”

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John Boehner is already referring to President Obama’s Tuesday State of the Union speech as “pathetic.” Presume he’s also already ordered the crying towels?

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Gabby Giffords has announced she is retiring from Congress effective Monday. Wish her all the best, and clearly Giffords needs to do what is best for her health. But she is already more articulate than many of her fellow Congresspeople.

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Simon Cowell has apparently called off his engagement to long-time girlfriend Mezhgan Hussainy. Poor Simon, looks like he’s never going to find anyone he loves as much as he loves himself..

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The Discovery Channel announced Saturday yesterday that they will air a documentary on the Costa Concordia crash this spring. So congratulations to all those who had “seven days” in the pool.

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Regarding Steven Tyler’s rendition of the National Anthem -Objectively, he wouldn’t have even given himself a ticket to Hollywood.

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Oregon head coach Chip Kelly is apparently talking to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers about their head coaching vacancy. Wonder if that means that NCAA investigation into the Ducks’ recruiting program is more serious than we thought.

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An Italian rescue official now says there is a possibility that “unregistered” passengers (i.e. stowaways) may have been aboard the Costa Concordia. And we thought our TSA was sloppy.

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Your bailout money at work: Goldman Sachs investment banker Jeffrey Verschleiser has been sued from illegally profiting from bad mortgages at Bear Stearns before the firm’s collapse. But now he’s apparently spending over $1 million to take over an entire Aspen hotel for four days for his daughter’s bat mitzah. Even Mitt Romney is saying “How tone deaf can you be?”

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