Posted tagged ‘Ravens jokes’

Can’t win them all.

February 5, 2013

For all those feeling inadequate because they can’t be good at everything, may I remind you that Nate Silver, after erring with his predicted Patriots-Seahawks Super Bowl, regrouped to pick the 49ers to win yesterday.

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While the team got it back, reports are that the Baltimore Ravens actually lost track of the Super Bowl Trophy last night. Might be the last time John Harbaugh asks “Bro, can you watch my stuff?”

 

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Rick Santorum on allowing gays into the Boy Scouts: “Scouting may not survive this transformation of society, but for the sake of the average boy in America, I hope the board of the Scouts doesn’t have its fingerprints on the murder weapon.” Wow. Fortunately Christianity will no doubt survive Rick Santorum.

 

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says that NJ Gov. Chris Christie is “already hard at work” to avoid a repeat Super Bowl power outage next year. Presumably with a strong disincentive for anyone to screw up. Four words – “Concrete shoes Hudson River.”

(ot even less PC, if people screw up Christie is threatening to sit on them.)

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SF RB Frank Gore says he feels the 49ers “showed we were the better team. It was just a couple plays here, a couple plays there.” Probably the same thing the Atlanta Falcons felt a couple weeks ago.

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Las Vegas prosecutors have decided not to charge SF Giants pitcher Sergio Romo after he got into an New Year’s Day argument with TSA officials over showing his identification at the airport. Must have been a tough call, as police have so few real other problems to deal with in Las Vegas…

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John McCain told people to “lighten up” after he was accused of racism for putting a joke on Twitter joke comparing Iranian Pres. Ahmadinejad to a monkey. Shocking! John McCain knows how to tweet?

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Can’t imagine why the U.S. Post Office is losing money. Line out the door at the local branch, Monday afternoon, and their response is to close two of four windows….

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In Manhattan, a former Navy SEAL is recruiting women who are military veterans to work as nannies. Well this ought to liven up disputes at Little League and soccer games.

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Leave the non-call aside, when the 49ers got to 1st and goal at the 7 yesterday, anyone else reminded of Cal-Stanford 2009, when Jim Harbaugh’s refusal to give Toby Gerhart the ball at the Bears 13 yd line cost the Cardinal the game, and perhaps Gerhart himself the Heisman?

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Reports are that Candlestick Park will be imploded after next year’s SF 49ers season is over. Responded most MLB teams, “Only about 30 years too late.”

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A little Super Bowl sidelight. For millions and millions of Americans that potential non-call in the endzone with the 49ers driving towards a go-ahead TD was irrelevant. Had SF made it, and even gone for 2, they still wouldn’t have covered the 4 point spread.

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From Marc Ragovin, a joke for disgruntled 49ers fans:  “What is the difference between the NFL and WWE?”

“One stages sporting exhibitions with predetermined results aided by complicit referees, while the other features The Rock.”

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Jeez, Ray Lewis on that 2000 double murder ” God don’t use people who commit anything like that for His glory. If our system took the time to really investigate what happened 13 years ago, maybe they would have got to the bottom line truth.” So now that Lewis is retiring will he do an O.J. hunt for the real killers?

 

Not dead, sleeping?

January 13, 2013

There are rumors that Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez is actually dead. Even so he might be more effective than the U.S Congress.

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So how did the Broncos somehow snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory tonight? Is it just possible that maybe God doesn’t want Tim Tebow disrespected?

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A New York City school bus strike could start Wednesday and might keep 152,000 children from getting to class. Talk about a way to turn impressionable young minds into union sympathizers.

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So after almost a month of post-season football I’m confused, which playoff game is sponsored by Poulan Weed-Eater?

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Just once would like to see a defensive player flagged for pass interference indicate “Yeah, you caught me” as opposed to the injured innocence “Who, me?” -
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Even Doug Flutie is thinking that Flacco pass  was unbelievable.Beyonce apparently is now releasing a sonogram of her pregnancy with Blue Ivy. Enough to make you long for the innocent old days of wardrobe malfunctions.
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Theo Epstein says the Chicago Cubs don’t want to be known as “loveable losers.” So he’s going to have them stop being loveable?
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Wells Fargo posted a record profit in its 2012 fourth quarter. You know what that means- banking fees are going up.
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Former South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, who resigned after the fallout from his extramarital affair, will announce that he will run in a special election for a House seat. Amongst his likely opponents, Sanford’s ex-wife Jenny. Now there’s a debate I’d pay to watch.
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The Toronto Blue Jays have signed catcher Henry Blanco, 41 to a 1-year $750,000 non-guaranteed contract. “Only one year? Give the young man some time to develop,” said Jamie Moyer.
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So who did Peyton Manning think he was at the end near the end of that Ravens-Broncos game?  Brett Favre?
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The White House has responded to petitions from Americans in several states asking permission to secede, saying the Supreme Court confirmed the “Constitution, in all its provisions, looks to an indestructible Union composed of indestructible States.” In short, “no”. But really, would it kill us to lose Florida?
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Gary M. on the Kobe-Vanessa Bryant reconciliation – “They likely just sat down and hashed everything out over a couple of DeBeers.”

He was, Penn State.

January 23, 2012

R.I.P. Joe Paterno – For his sake it was a shame the cancer didn’t kill him six months earlier. And remembering this Edmund Burke quote -”All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.”

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The cancer killed Paterno so quickly, you have to wonder, was part of the problem that he waited too long to report the symptoms?

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Jerry Sandusky’s statement on the passing of Joe Paterno: “This is a sad day!” Yes, agreed, sad that the passing wasn’t Sandusky’s
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Kyle Wlliams has now joined Tim Tebow as one of those rare players who can get 60,000 plus fans on their feet screaming “Jesus Christ!”

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Weather was so bad at Candlestick fans expected to see a baseball game break out.

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Alex Smith picked a bad time to start looking like Alex Smith.

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The worst thing about a Boston-New York Super Bowl. It will give ESPN an easy excuse again to start talking about the Red Sox-Yankees.

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Kyle Williams will never have to buy himself a drink in New York again.

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Baltimore fans watching that last drive? “tell me truly, I implore — Is there — is there balm in Gilette? — tell me — tell me, I implore!” Quoth the Ravens “Nevermore.”

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In accepting his MVP award, Ryan Braun said “we all deal with challenges we never expected to endure.” Wonder if that translates to “damn guy TOLD me the stuff was undetectable.”

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John Boehner is already referring to President Obama’s Tuesday State of the Union speech as “pathetic.” Presume he’s also already ordered the crying towels?

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Gabby Giffords has announced she is retiring from Congress effective Monday. Wish her all the best, and clearly Giffords needs to do what is best for her health. But she is already more articulate than many of her fellow Congresspeople.

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Simon Cowell has apparently called off his engagement to long-time girlfriend Mezhgan Hussainy. Poor Simon, looks like he’s never going to find anyone he loves as much as he loves himself..

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The Discovery Channel announced Saturday yesterday that they will air a documentary on the Costa Concordia crash this spring. So congratulations to all those who had “seven days” in the pool.

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Regarding Steven Tyler’s rendition of the National Anthem -Objectively, he wouldn’t have even given himself a ticket to Hollywood.

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Oregon head coach Chip Kelly is apparently talking to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers about their head coaching vacancy. Wonder if that means that NCAA investigation into the Ducks’ recruiting program is more serious than we thought.

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An Italian rescue official now says there is a possibility that “unregistered” passengers (i.e. stowaways) may have been aboard the Costa Concordia. And we thought our TSA was sloppy.

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Your bailout money at work: Goldman Sachs investment banker Jeffrey Verschleiser has been sued from illegally profiting from bad mortgages at Bear Stearns before the firm’s collapse. But now he’s apparently spending over $1 million to take over an entire Aspen hotel for four days for his daughter’s bat mitzah. Even Mitt Romney is saying “How tone deaf can you be?”

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