Posted tagged ‘World Cup jokes’

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Fit to be tied?

June 23, 2014

US Coach Jurgen Klinsmann, complaining about his team’s chances against Germany “They played yesterday, we played today. We played in the Amazon, they played in a location where they don’t have to travel much. Everything was done for the big favourites to go and move on. We’re going to do it the tough way.” Of course, the easiest way would have been to play good defense for another 30
seconds today.

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Tough last minute tie for the USA. Some of these heartbroken fans have been rooting for the team for their entire weekend. #WorldCup

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But if life is supposed to be a learning experience, a whole lot of Americans just learned about the concept of stoppage time. #WorldCup

 

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#SFGiants are undefeated in the #Panik era.

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All this talk about the heat in Brazil. It was only 110 degrees in Qatar today. #Worldcup

 

A man is suing British Airways because he said he wanted to book tickets to Granada, Spain, two hours from London, and ended up on a flight to the Caribbean Island of Grenada, nine hours from London. And it didn’t occur to the traveler to read his itinerary? #cantfixstupid

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Oops. A Samsung Twitter Sunday read “Best of luck to Landon Donovan & the USA team. #GALAXY11” On the brighter side for the Korean company, a lot of casual American soccer fans didn’t notice a problem.

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If we really wanted to get World Cup interest going in the US, FIFA should suggest that newspapers publish brackets with disclaimers that of course no betting and pools are allowed.

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Carmelo Anthony is apparently planning to opt out of his NY Knicks contract. What a shame to break up such a great 37-45 team…

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With Lucy Li, 11, in the Women’s U.S. Open, a lot of media focus was on someone who didn’t even make the cut. Getting us ready for Tiger Woods next weekend?

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From Gary M.  “Would it be appropriate to begin a Kick-start campaign to raise bail for Hope Solo?”

 

From Bill Littlejohn  “Last Sunday for Father’s Day the SF Giants gave away ties.  Presumably the way Sergio Romo has been blowing, and nearly blowing, saves, all of those ties were more than a little tight.”

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Shopping for a Cup?

June 22, 2014

 

Saturday night in the World Cup – Nigeria vs. Bosnia-Herzegovina. “I’ll take “Two countries most Americans couldn’t find on a map for $600, Alex.”

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If #USA plays their next two games to 0-0 ties, they advance in the #WorldCup. And some say baseball can be boring.

 

 

Amazing how many people who can tell you the exact details of what must happen for the U.S. to advance in the #WorldCup couldn’t give you the names of two players on the team.

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Gold medalist soccer star Hope Solo has been arrested and held without bail for alleged domestic-violence assault. Who says women athletes will never be the equals of men?

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Alex Rodriguez has dropped his malpractice lawsuit against Yankees doctor “for the sole purpose of having no legal distractions” as he hopes to play again for the team in 2015. So no “legal” distractions. Over-under on other types of distractions?

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In Boston they’ve got to be thinking “Thank Heaven for Tampa Bay. The Rays might be the only reason the Red Sox don’t complete the “worst to first to worst” loop this year.’

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When a Georgia man was arrested for swimming naked he told the arresting officer he was “not a threat to society” and to “check out his Youtube channel.” When the policeman eventually did, he saw videos that showed a large pot growing operation. Oops. Arrested again, naturally.

 

Joe Panik arrived on Saturday afternoon in Arizona to join the #SFGiants. His glove and bats are apparently still “in a connecting city.” First lesson of big league life Joe, your glove fits in the overhead bin…..

 

 

 

Joe Panik. No batting average. 1,000 Obp. Nice start. #sfgiants

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Although marijuana is legal in Colorado, Google, Twitter and Facebook do not accept pot ads. Morality issues? Or are they thinking their target audience wouldn’t remember the ads anyway?

 

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The new “Northwest Science Museum Vision Centre, in Boise, Idaho dedicated to creationism, claims Noah took baby dinosaurs onto his ark because the adults would not fit. Your move, Florida

 

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Chris Christie, ranting at the “Faith and Freedom Coalition” conference. “Name me the one pro-life Democrat who has ever been able and allowed to speak at a Democratic National Convention since Roe v. Wade. Don’t strain yourself, because there’s never been one. Theirs is the party that’s intolerant … ” Maybe what Christie meant was “the GOP is the party of memory loss.”

 

 

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Impossible dreams?

June 20, 2014

President Obama says that “Iraq must find a political solution to governing the nation.” And when they figure it out, will they please tell the USA?

 

#SFGiants manager Bruce Bochy on June 8, after the Giants had swept the Mets and had the best record in MLB – “There’s nothing I can complain about.” Hope this doesn’t become baseball’s version of “Mission Accomplished.”-

 

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David Ortiz was called out by MLB’s Joe Torre for whining when the Fenway Park official score called what Big Papi thought was his infield single an error. “It’s always like that. I’ve been here for more than a decade and the scorekeepers here are always horrible. This is home, man.” Gosh. Haven’t heard this level of maturity from a ballplayer since I was the scorer for my son’s team in Little League.

 

The Reds called up relief pitcher Jumbo Diaz, who’s had a good spring in AAA after he lost 69 pounds in the offseason. 69 pounds!? That’s half a Tim Lincecum.

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Manny Ramirez is about to start as player-coach Chicago Cubs’ AAA affiliate in Iowa. For all those who thought Cubs fans potentially could never see anything more embarrassing than their team’s play on the field..

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What’s with this so-called hunky mug shot picture that seems to be everywhere on the inter-webs? Never thought I’d see a phenomenon where I’d rather look at pictures of the Kardashians.

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As the argument over raising the minimum wage rages on, some complain that such an increase would raise consumer prices. How come no one ever complains that consumer prices might be higher because of CEO’s multimillion dollar salaries and bonuses?

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A Guatemalan man was arrested at Newark Airport when the cookies in his suitcase turned out to be stuffed with over 100 pellets of cocaine. Talk about a sugar high.-

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Stephanie Kwolek, 90, who invented Kevlar, has died. Toughest coffin ever?

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Okay, before this #WorldCup who even knew #CostaRica HAD a soccer team?

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France 5, Switzerland 2, and it wasn’t that close. Guess we have to put the French surrender jokes on hold for a while. #WorldCup

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ESPN has announced that Tiger Woods “will return to competitive golf next week at the Quicken Loans National.” Well, he’ll return to tournament play. It remains to be seen if Tiger will be competitive.

 

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Rand Paul on Iraq, “And what’s going on now, I don’t blame on President Obama. Has he really got the solution? Maybe there is no solution.” Is Paul trying to make so much sense he gets drummed out of the Republican party?

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Police say an 11 year-old boy in Central Ohio accidentally fatally shot his best friend while they were playing with a loaded revolver they found in the house. If only the other 11 year-old had been armed.

 

A new lawsuit claims Chobani Greek Yogurt isn’t actually Greek. Anyone seen a small house in a carton of Cottage Cheese lately?

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Our short national nightmare is over.

June 19, 2014

#Facebook was down for about 30 minutes Thursday morning. The horror. Millions of people were limited to looking at their own cats.

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British Prime Minister David Cameron gave Chinese premier Li Keqiang a signed copy of the shooting script for the first episode of Downton Abbey as a souvenir of Keqiang’s visit to the UK. Wonder how long it will take China to come up with a show knock-off?

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And so it begins, Grover Norquist suggests renaming the Redskins the Washington Reagans, What, not the Gippers?

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My friend Jeff suggests the Washington Blamers. With a logo of a lot of pointing fingers.

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John Kerry, on Dick Cheney’s recent criticism of Obama. “This is the man who took us into Iraq saying this? Please.’ If Kerry had fought back like that against the “Swift boaters” he might have had a chance to be elected President.

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Former Montana Governor Brian Schweitzer, who appears to be running more for a TV job than President, in an interview on Eric Cantor “If you were just a regular person, you turned on the TV, and you saw (him) talking, I would say—and I’m fine with gay people, that’s all right—but my gaydar is 60-70 percent.” Oh please, oh please, someone ask Schweitzer about Marcus Bachmann.

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So the San Antonio Spurs have a dominating win in the NBA Finals and all the talk is about – what will Lebron and the Heat do next year? #Americalovestrainwrecks

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Who says I never say anything nice about George W. Bush?. At least the former President hasn’t added his name to the GOP chorus criticizing Obama on Iraq.

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Apparently Harrison Ford suffered a broken leg, not an injured ankle as previously reported, on the set of the latest “Star Wars” sequel. Good thing he wasn’t working on a remake of “They Shoot Horses, Don’t They?”

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So what’s the difference in this year’s World Cup between Spain and England? About 24 hours.

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England is now close to being out of the World Cup. To put this in perspective for Americans, it’s like the USA being eliminated in the first round of the Nathan’s hot dog eating contest.

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In Wisconsin, prosecutors are alleged that Gov. Scott Walker was at the center of a nationwide “criminal scheme” with people like Karl Rove to illegally coordinate with outside conservative groups. If true, clearly this must be Obama’s fault.

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New GOP majority leader Kevin McCarthy started a deli business with money he won in the lottery when he was 19. Makes sense. winning the lottery is one of the paths Republicans now figure poor people should use to get ahead.

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KTVU achieved national infamy earlier this year over a prank involving alleged Asiana pilot names.  Monday night, a KTVU reporter doing a live story on a woman who was robbed in Oakland, CA left her purse in a nearby unlocked van.  And the purse, of course, was stolen. Hope no one tries to get her read the names of suspected thieves on the air.

(Susan Marie H. asks “Was the reporters name Dora Notloc, Norma Coach, Greta Klue, or Ima Stoopid?)

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A seriously cool story.  Somewhere, Tony Gwynn is smiling. Good luck to Addison Reed.

http://msn.foxsports.com/arizona/story/d-backs-reed-quits-tobacco-out-of-respect-for-gwynn-061714

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The Blame in Spain

June 18, 2014

And the pain in Spain, comes mainly from the game.

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Who knew. #USA likely to be alive longer in the #WorldCup than #Spain?

 

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Dick Cheney today called Obama “dangerous,” and said that foreign leaders had told him they believe the president secretly supports anti-American organizations. “Foreign leaders” confiding in Cheney? Even Donald Sterling may be thinking the former VP is delusional.

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#JohnnyManziel signed a four-year $8.2 million deal with the Cleveland Browns, with $6.7 million guaranteed. Hope all this money doesn’t go to his head.

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Stacy Lewis, the #1 ranked women’s golfer in the world, says she “isn’t a fan” of 11 year old Lucy Li playing in the U.S. Open. “If it was my kid, I wouldn’t let her play in the U.S. Open qualifier at 11, but that’s just me.” Why, because Lewis doesn’t want Li embarrassing older golfers?

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Family values story for the day. Five members of a Vermont clan showed up with knives on their belts at an New Hampshire amusement park. And they all ended up in jail after they allegedly attacked police who told them they had to leave the knives outside. If only the family had been armed.

 

 

In Palm Beach, a former porn-star is running for school board after he lost the ability to advertise his math-tutoring business when parents found out about his earlier career.  Ah Florida.   If this guy had a past as a gun-runner maybe that would have been okay?

 

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Not 100% sure how I feel about this Redskins name thing, because I’m not very PC. But if you absolutely want to talk insulting and racist, how about the Tomahawk Chop? Not only offensive but more irritating than the wave. (And yes, I know the Braves stole it from the Florida State Seminoles, but that’s a different post.)

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The best thing about today’s Redskins patent ruling. Whatever side you’re on, it opens the door to all kinds of parody t-shirts, etc. Should be fun to see American ingenuity and twisted humor in action.

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Okay, while we’re at it. The Florida State Seminoles have gotten a pass because they have the support of the Seminole Tribe of Florida, which runs gambling casinos in the state. But 75% of Seminoles live in Oklahoma, and they apparently don’t like the nickname. So is FSU next? Maybe they could be the “Crab Legs”

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A New Jersey high school is looking for a mystery hacker who broke into the school’s computer system and changed grades and attendance records. And Silicon Valley firms are looking for the kid to hire him.

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Okay, it’s officially time for the #SFGiants to put an ad on Craigslist for an exorcist.

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Although, would #Dodgers and #Kershaw like to thank the #SFGiants for tiring the #Rockies hitters out in the late innings last weekend?

 

From my funny friend Jerry Perisho “What a strange time it is when the 2 most powerful people in professional sports are V. Stiviano and whoever runs the US Patent and Trademark Office.”

 

 

From Marc Ragovin ”  hear General Motors has a new training film for new hires: Total Recall”

 

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Not the Onion.

June 18, 2014

Texas Governor Rick Perry, interviewed for the NY Times Sunday Magazine, told a reporter “that he loves California, vacations in San Diego annually, visits the state about six times a year and might even move here in January when he’s done with his 14-year stint running Texas.” Where’s a border fence when you REALLY need one?

 

 

You really cannot make this sh*t up. “Rarely has a US president been so wrong about so much at the expense of so many” from an op-ed criticizing Obama’s handling of Iraq. By Dick Cheney

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The US has captured a “key” Benghazi suspect. So just for a day, many in the GOP are saying “Forget Benghazi, let’s talk about Iraq.”

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Tragic, really. Chris Bosh, talking about the Heat’s tough season. “There was no, like, genuine joy all the time. It seemed like work. It was a job the whole year.”

(My friend Jon Nedry says,  Nobody had the “do what you love” talk with him when he was younger?”)

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Oakland starting pitcher Drew Pomeranz, who entered last night’s game with an ERA under 2, broke his right hand punching a chair last night after giving up 8 runs in a loss to the Texas Rangers. And the A’s are in first place. Imagine what Pomeranz might have done if he pitched for the Cubs.

 

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Well, they’re consistent. Former GOP Rep. Allen West of Florida wrote today: “Squirrel! Benghazi suspect conveniently captured to deflect attention from all the other nightmares.” I suppose we only killed Bin Laden for the same reason.

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San Antonio’s Tony Parker -“I think everybody’s gonna come back.” Chairman Peter Holt -“Tim and Manu want to play until they die, somewhat sincerely, actually.” And Brett Favre just went out and bought a Spurs jersey.

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Who needs reality television? In Louisiana, congressman Vance McAllister, who ran on a family values platform and was caught making out on tape with a married staffer, said he wouldn’t run again. But now he is “leaning towards” changing his mind. And one of his declared opponents, Zash Dasher, is the nephew of Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson….. This all must be the fault of gay marriage.

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Rep. Lou Barletta (R-Pa.) said yesterday that the House “probably” has the votes to impeach President Barack Obama if the matter was brought to the floor. Well, it would be a change from the votes to repeal Obamacare.

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A lot of excited new U.S. soccer fans have a question after yesterday’s big win over Ghana. So is this World Cup thing 3 out of 5 or 4 out of 7?

 

While celebrating the #USA win over #Ghana, maybe millions of Americans could take the time to find Ghana on a map. #Geography. #WorldCup

 

 

In California, lawmakers today rejected a bill that would have put a label on sugared sodas, energy drinks and fruit drinks saying “STATE OF CALIFORNIA SAFETY WARNING: Drinking beverages with added sugar(s) contributes to obesity, diabetes, and tooth decay.” Gosh, because now people think they are drinking that stuff for their health?

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Rick Perry, saying he’s “preparing” for 2016 and trying to step away from his comments on gays last week ““Actually it was a pure economic message in San Francisco until a question from the audience.” Well okay then. Because as a candidate for president he’ll never get sidetracked by questions…

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A Senate panel today slammed Dr. Oz for his claims for “miracle” weight loss products – “The scientific community is almost monolithically against you.”. Guessing Dr. Oz will soon demand the hearing be transferred to the GOP-led House.

 

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Well, it doesn’t just happen to the little people. This tweet today “Hey @united landed in Dublin yesterday morning from Newark and still no golf clubs… Sort of need them this week… Can someone help!?” The tweet? Rory McIlroy. And he needs them for the Irish Open….

 

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Missing Tony already.

June 16, 2014

Well seriously,  this just sucks. R.I.P Tony Gwynn.  54 years old. One of my favorite all-time players. If there are baseball teams in heaven one of their team batting averages is about to go up.

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And many times have I heard some variation on this today? “I’m a “fill-in-the-blank-with-MLB-team” fan, but my favorite player who wasn’t on my team was Tony Gwynn. #tooyoung

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My son forwards Tony Gwynn’s career high for strikeouts in a season – 40. 40!?    For Adam Dunn that’s a good month.

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My little Tony Gwynn story. The Padres were at Candlestick when the Giants were thinking of moving in 1992. And Gwynn was cheerfully signing autographs for lots of SF fans before the game. I was in the crowd with my son and as Tony signed our ball, I told him that a lot of SF Giants fans might end up rooting for the Padres if our team moved to Tampa. He looked surprised and said “But wouldn’t you all root for the Dodgers first?” LOUD nos and boos from the crowd. Gwynn just smiled, laughed and said “Ok, I got it.” A nice guy, a class act, gone WAY too soon.

 

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The USA won their opening World Cup game against Ghana. So millions of Americans might have to pretend to care about soccer for a couple more weeks.

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Oops, Delta Airlines tweeted congratulations for the U.S win over Ghana today. With accompanying pictures to represent the two countries – the Statue of Liberty and a giraffe. Cute. Except Ghana has no giraffes. The picture was from Kenya. Well, it’s not like the airline business requires any knowledge of geography.

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Now we really know the World Cup is in full swing. We’ve had our first tie – between Iran and Nigeria. And a 0-0 tie at that.

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An Australian couple heading to the World Cup apparently ended up in El Salvador instead of Salvador, Brazil apparently due to a travel agent error. Here’s my question, did they actually look at their itinerary? “Wow honey, only four hours to get to Brazil from Los Angeles.” #cantfixstupid

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All these commentators waxing lyrical last night about the beautiful team play of the Spurs. The same commentators who a couple weeks ago were talking Heat three-peat against a somewhat boring aging team.

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American Airlines sent an offer to frequent fliers to earn bonus miles and “Enjoy six hand-selected wines from France for only $9.75 per bottle plus 1¢ shipping .” Since it’s an airline offer, presumably corks are $10 a bottle extra.

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In Fresno, California, police arrested a 64-year-old man for allegedly cooking methamphetamine in his apartment at a senior retirement community. Well, that’s one way to supplement social security.

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Texas Governor Rick Perry again, asked specifically if he believes therapy should be used to change the behavior of someone who is gay. “You know, I don’t know. The fact is, we’ll leave that to the psychologists and doctors.” Uh, so he’ll leave this issue to the “experts,” but not say an issue like climate change?

 

 

Miss Nevada, Nia Sanchez, who became Miss USA, has been accused of being a carpetbagger because she until recently had lived (and entered pageants) in California. And during an interview today, Sanchez couldn’t name the capital of Nevada. But to be fair, wonder how many other Miss USA contestants could name the capital of their own states?

 

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Plenty of Republicans blaming some degree of the current mess in Iraq on President Obama. Of course, they have credibility because they were all so critical of George W. Bush starting the 2003 war in the first place….

 

 

From T.C.   On former North Carolina college basketball star  Rashad McCants   claiming he made the dean’s list without ever attending a class: “’Big deal,” said some Auburn football players, “did you get paid too?’”

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The Heat is Gone

June 16, 2014

#SanAntonioSpurs win the #NBA championship with a team comprised largely of immigrants. I blame Obama.

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Apparently tonight this IS a country for old men. #Spurs

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Chris Bosh “Plain and simple, we’re going to win tonight. Asked if he was guaranteeing a victory, Bosh said: “I don’t care about guarantees. We’re just going to win the game.” If it’s as simple as a prediction wonder why Bosh didn’t say this before games 3 and 4..

(and Chris Boch, you’re no Joe Namath.)

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Sunday was Father’s Day. Time to call dad. And for those whose fathers are in the NBA. Hope they called early so they didn’t get a busy signal.

 

–QB Vince Young announced his retirement from the NFL. Shocking. Vince Young hadn’t already retired?

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Before this week wonder how many people outside of Northern California #StMarys and San Antonio #Spurs had ever heard of Patty Mills?

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Relative unknown Martin Kaymer won the U.S. Open by 9 shots.  And now doubt tournament thought that after Tiger Woods pulled out, that having Phil Mickelson struggle was the worst thing that could happen to their TV ratings.

 

On Friday, #BaseballTonight asked if SF was a lock to win the NL West. Maybe it was better when ESPN was ignoring them. #SFGiants.

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Obama granted Republican Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Corbett’s request to end the Philadelphia area transit strike, by creating a presidential emergency board to mediate the dispute. Waiting to see how the rest of the GOP spins this as wrong.

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Casey Kasem, 82, has passed away. He entertained Americans for years on radio with his countdown of the top 40 singles of the week . Many young people may ask “Casey who?”. Still more are asking “What’s a single?”

 

 

Commercials on ESPN for the USA team in the #WorldCup.”It’s the ‘Group of Death”, only two will come out alive.” Well, yeah, because only two come out of ANY group. Including “Groups of Life?”

 

 

 

French World Cup coach Didier Deschamp said he thinks his team is being spied upon by drones. Well, it’s as least as plausible as the next World Cup having been awarded to Qatar

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Spurred on?

June 14, 2014

San Antonio #Spurs stars include Tim Duncan, from the Virgin Islands, Tony Parker, from France, born in Belgum, Manu Ginoboli, Argentina and Boris Diaw, France. And then there are bench players Tiago Splitter, Brazil, Cory Joseph, Canada, Aron Baynes, Argentina and of course, Patty Mills, Australia. It’s like watching the #WorldCup without soccer.

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Lebron James, asked what to do to force a game 6? Uh, score more points than the Spurs?

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Hard to believe it’s been 20 years since the O.J.Simpson saga began. Imagine what the murders, chase and trial would have been like in a social media era.  And probably very un PC to imagine the hashtags.

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Seen on a bottle of “Angry Orchard” hard apple cider. “Naturally gluten free.” Maybe because there is no gluten in apples?

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So has Sergio Romo been given some sort of subsidy to promote liquor sales in the San Francisco area? #SFGiants

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Kanye West, on his goal to surpass legends “I ain’t concerned about anyone who’s living, and added that “I’m going after Shakespeare..” Talk about a midsummer night’s dream.

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The NY Times is reporting on an increasing number of people who want Mitt Romney to run for President. Presume these people are called “Democrats.”

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Amazing. Governor Rick Scott just signed a bill saying that abortions will be illegal in Florida at any point in a woman’s pregnancy if her doctor determines that the fetus could survive outside the womb. His spokesman said he “was glad to sign this bill that protects the lives of children,” But Scott still hasn’t done anything about Medicaid expansion. So Florida’s children better be born tough. (and as Todd says, “be ready to stand their ground.”

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JetBlue Airways today says they apologized to a mother who said her 3 year old daughter had to urinate in her airplane seat because a flight attendant would not let her use the restroom while the plane sat on the tarmac at JFK airport. The JetBlue said they gave the mom a $50 credit and will donate $5000 to her favorite charity. And presumably the airline and others are contemplating a surcharge for seats guaranteed not to have been occupied by toddlers?

 

(as my friend Tim Church says, are they changing their name to “JetEwwwwwwwww”)

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The United Church of Christ in the mid-Atlantic region today passed a resolution telling its 40,000 members not to buy Redskins game tickets or to wear team gear until they change their name. Or presumably until Washington starts winning, whichever comes first. #longwait

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Delay tonight in Oakland for the As and Yankees game due to a power failure.   Maybe Oakland is trying to prove they should host a Super Bowl?

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Kings are crowned

June 13, 2014

The San Antonio Spurs are up 3 to 1 in the NBA finals and looking good. But just guessing they aren’t planning yet to co-host a victory celebration with the Stanley Cup champion San Jose Sharks yet.

 

 

Kings beat the Rangers in 2nd OT to claim the Stanley Cup. So for now NY sports fans will have to go back to being disappointed by the Yankees and Mets.

 

 

After Mets reliever Carlos Torres’s bad outing in the 13th last night, he repeatedly punched himself in the head. Shocking Mets fans who didn’t think their bullpen could hit any target.

 

Apparently whether or not the Heat come back won’t affect Lebron James’ decision on opting out of his contract for next year. Though guessing right now he won’t be taking his talents to San Antonio. #dontneedhim.

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The Miami Herald is having a contest where the grand prize is tickets to the #NBAFinals game six. Well, those tickets could be priceless.

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Mostly adorable child who looked to be about 8 or 9 pulling a child-sized rolling suitcase with strapped on teddy bear in airport this morning. The “mostly” being because said child was completely focused on cell phone in hand. #itstartsyoung

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We’re a month out but could Mike Morse and Tim Hudson be the first #MLB teammates to be picked up off the free agent scrap heap by one team and both end up in the All Star game? #SFGiants

 

Donald Sterling may be a nasty old man with dementia. But the 29 most nervous multi-millionaires in the world right now are probably the NBA owners Sterling’s lawyers have vowed to dig up dirt on.

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We’re a month out but could Mike Morse and Tim Hudson be the first #MLB teammates to be picked up off the free agent scrap heap by one team and both end up in the All Star game? #SFGiants

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In Daytona Beach, Florida, a man was arrested for trying to solicit oral sex from an undercover police officer, and he was trying to pay her with a salad. Maybe he should have tried a doughnut

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5-1 #Netherlands over #Spain. Did someone forget to put the soccer ball in the humidor? #WorldCup

 

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Brett Favre says he hasn’t been back to Green Bay since the last game he played (and lost) against them with the Vikings in 2010. But he wants to come back, without being a distraction. So assume Favre still has hopes of being the Packers’ backup quarterback?

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Name calling.

June 12, 2014

Last night, Texas Gov. Rick Perry called Hillary Clinton “a very, very capable public servant, great secretary of state and first lady.” The sad thing, with many of Perry’s supporters that comment will be seen as more offensive than his comparing homosexuality to alcoholism.

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Hillary Clinton says the U.S. should lift its embargo on Cuba. Translation, she’s done the math, and between new residents and a younger population, there are just not that many anti-Castro Florida voters any more.

 

The World Cup finally got started today. So fans of serious flopping no longer have to settle for watching the NBA.

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So today is the first day of U.S.Open, and the World Cup. In addition there are several MLB games and game four of the NBA finals. So let’s see how ESPN will somehow manage to lead with an NFL story.

 

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Landon Donovan will now be an in-studio World Cup analyst for ESPN. He’ll be in the tournament a lot longer than US team he was left off of…. #WorldCup

 

( Of course if ESPN really wanted to get Americans watching the World Cup they’d hire Johnny Manziel as an analyst.)

 

 

First day of the #WorldCup and Brazil scores the go-ahead goal on what appears to be an egregious yellow card following a flop by a Brazilian player. But I’m sure it was an accidental mistake. No one would ever accuse FIFA and their host country of anything untoward.

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John Boehner is blaming Eric Cantor’s defeat on Obama. So much for all those who said our President never accomplishes anything.

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The Cleveland Cavaliers are apparently interested in Mark Jackson as their next head coach. Well, the job wouldn’t come with any playoff pressure.

 

 

Harrison Ford, reprising his role as Han Solo, has been injured on the set of the film, “Stars Wars VII”. Apparently by the door of the Millennium Falcon. Did Ford trip over it with his walker?

 

 

Will the cause of #HarrisonFord‘s ankle injury on the set of the new Star Wars movie be listed as too much Force?

 

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So with this colossal mess in Iraq, the GOP will no doubt be blaming President Obama for taking out a strong leader who once had the country under control….. Oops, wait. Never mind.

 

Have to  figure this is being told tonight somewhere. “Heard a good Florida joke?” “The Miami Heat.”

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For whom the polls toll?

June 11, 2014

 

All you need to know about today’s Republican party. Eric Cantor just got knocked out in the GOP primary for being too moderate.

 

Eric Cantor’s team showed him with a 34 point lead over David Brat in late May. Yet another reason for the GOP to discount commie-pinko things like numbers

 

 

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75.8% shooting in the first half by #Spurs. I was watching an #NBAFinals game and an #NBA All Star game broke out

 

 

If someone who was watching their first NBA game tonight was told in advance that it would be an aging team of veterans against a younger team of super stars, assume they would have figured the kids were the Spurs?

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Proof that the World Cup isn’t that big a deal in the U.S.: Brazil’s time zone is only an hour ahead of Eastern Daylight time. But matches will be shown in real time, not tape-delayed and “plausibly live.”

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John Calipari turned down an $80 million, 10 year contract to coach the Cleveland Cavaliers. Meaning that the NCAA is at least a year from putting sanctions on Kentucky.

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TCU (Texas Christian University) beat Pepperdine (a California Christian University) 6-5 yesterday to advance to the College World Series. So did God flip a coin to decide whose prayers to answer?

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The Rays have had three straight shut-out losses. Is Tampa Bay trying to be the official MLB team of the World Cup?

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Colts owner Robert Irsay, awaiting a hearing on his DUI arrest, gave an interview to the Indianapolis Star saying how addiction is a disease, but people don’t get help because of the stigma. Perhaps in his case, but how many people also don’t get help because of the cost of treatment and rehab?

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If the four Americans killed in Benghazi had been on leave in Washington, D.C. and were fatally shot by some crazy guy with a handgun, the GOP would have forgotten about them. #sadbuttrue

 

I’m the least PC liberal I know, but George Will, really?? Talking about “sexual assault” only in quotations and saying that colleges are making “victimhood a coveted status that confers privileges.” Really? Makes Limbaugh’s “slut” comment about a woman using birth control almost seem quaint.

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“America Rising,” a Republican opposition research group, attacked Hillary Clinton for being “someone who is extremely out of touch with the financial reality facing Americans,” because the two homes the Clintons purchased in Chappaqua,and D.C. cost around $4.5 million combined. The best part about this, “America Rising” was started by the former campaign manager for Mitt Romney.

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United Airlines announcement today  “We’re changing the MileagePlus® program to reward our members for their travel spending with United®. And we’re adding new ways to use your award miles, to make the frequent flyer program with the best award availability* even better. Translation, “Most of you are getting screwed.”

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Continuing Heat wave?

June 6, 2014

San Antonio says they have fixed the air conditioning after a sweltering game 1 at A T & T Center. Considering the result, have they fixed it at a constant 90 degrees? #Spurs

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Lebron James says “I know I’m the easiest target that we have in sports, I’m aware of it.” And A-Rod responded “Who am I, chopped liver?”

 

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Bud Selig twice referred yesterday to the of the 20014 MLB Draft. 20014? Maybe the commissioner was confused. That’s when his Blue Ribbon Committee will make a decision on the proposed move of the Oakland As..

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Rashad McCants, who as a junior was a member of UNC’s championship men’s basketball team, says that tutors wrote his papers and he took ‘bogus” classes to stay eligible during his three years at the university. Gosh,at least Calipari’s “one-and-dones’ only fake their way through one semester.

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J.Lo and Casper Smart have split up. Wonder if she left him for a younger man?

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John McCain is loudly criticizing President Obama’s deal to release Bowe Bergdahl. Which is particularly interesting considering that Senator McCain himself was part of a POW swap by Richard Nixon. #memoryisthefirstthingtogo

 

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Friday was the 70th anniversary of #DDay, the invasion of Normandy. For many college football players not to be confused with days when they found they barely avoided “F”s in class.

 

An analyst says the New York Knicks could now be worth $3 billion. Could you imagine how much the team might be worth if they could actually make the playoffs?

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A Ghana witch doctor says he put a spell on Portugal star Cristiano Ronaldo and caused his thigh injury. Yeah, well if the witch doctor is really good let’s see if he can get Ghana out of the World Cup first round…..

 

 

The first tweet from @CIA -“We can neither confirm nor deny that this is our first tweet.” Waiting for some GOP House member to call this a time wasting exercise and blame it on Obama.

 

A San Antonio area school district is upsetting some parents by banning children from bringing sunscreen to school or on field trips. Sunscreen is considered a toxic substance. Wonder if it’s okay if kids bring something harmless instead, like guns.

(My friend Jeff Klein adds “Tan your Ground.”)

 

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Richard Sherman beat out Cam Newton in online voting at ESPN.com and so will be on the cover of the new “Madden NFL 15” video game. Which could be good news, for Panthers and 49ers fans.

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A Seattle Pacific University student monitor who pepper-sprayed the gunman and tackled him is being hailed as a hero. Out of habit the NRA responded, “if only he had been armed.”

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Regarding this Super Bowl Arabic-Roman numbering issue, Marty says he’s looking forward to  “World Series CVIII.”

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Mr. Bochy goes to Washington.

July 19, 2011

For the SF Giants’ visit to the White House next week, rumor has it that President Obama has invited Speaker John Boehner to join them. That way the team can get a real Orange and Black welcome.

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Actually President Obama has to be thrilled about having the SF Giants visit. After getting it from both sides during this debt ceiling debate, at least with the Giants lineup the President knows he won’t have to absorb any hits.

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Another day, another resignation at Scotland Yard over the Murdoch hacking scandal. This mess could end up being the downfall of more policemen than all you can eat free  doughnut giveaway.

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Rebekah Brooks’ lawyer says she is not guilty of any criminal offense. Though police now say at least 4,000 people were hacked by News of the World, Brooks is denying she knew anything wrong was going on while she was editor. Ah, the increasingly common “clueless defense.”

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“Cut, cap and balance?” (One of the Tea Party pledges)  Can’t decide if it sounds more like some package special at the hair salon, or like what BP was trying to do with that well.

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In a suburb of Vienna this weekend, thieves made off with a semi-trailer filled with 21 tons of mustard and ketchup. Reportedly there is an all-points bulletin out for the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile.

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A man in a wedding dress briefly interrupted play by running onto the field during the Nationals-Braves game last weekend. Guess that answers the question – “Whatever happened to Dennis Rodman?”

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Reggie Bush’s family has taken back a copy of his 2005 Heisman Trophy from a San Diego sports museum. Maybe they plan to trade it for tattoos?

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USC has suspended running back Marc Tyler after he was interviewed by TMZ and asked if athletes were paid more at USC or in the pros. Tyler says was “joking” when he responded “USC, they breaking bread,” and made a gesture indicating money. Well, the truth may or may not set you free, but it does apparently get you kicked off the Trojans.

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Borders Books is facing liquidation after no bids emerged in an auction from any investors who wanted to keep the chain going. While this is bad news for the company’s over 10,000 employees, it’s a bit of karmic payback for the countless independent bookstores Borders put out of business during their heyday.

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When they put together the video of the U.S. women’s run in the World Cup, especially with all those “almost” goals in the final, will the background music be from “Get Smart?” (“Missed it by THAT much.”)

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Fox News reported that “The Undefeated,” the Sarah Palin documentary, opened to packed houses. But the article appeared before the film was even showing in theatres. Gosh, who would have expected anything duplitious from a Murdoch enterprise.

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From TC “In Germany, Paul the Octopus 2 correctly predicted Japan would beat the US in the Womens World Cup. His reward? He was not invited to be a part of the celebratory dinner.”

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Car-mic luck?

July 18, 2011

The 405 is open again, and Los Angeles seems to have survived the weekend just fine. Wonder now if they will now start referring to it as Y2Karmageddon.

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After all the worry and talk of Carmaggedon, the work was completed Sunday morning, and the 405 freeway reopened almost a full day ahead of schedule. Since project director Mike Barbour has proved so adept dealing with a potentially disastrous situation, maybe Los Angeles should put him in charge of the Dodgers.

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Cincinnati running back Cedric Benson was arrested and charged with assault early Sunday morning, a week after Pacman Jones was arrested for a bar incident. Well, the lockout might not be over yet, but good to see that the Bengals are in mid-season form.

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Okay, I’m still not getting this idea of a documentary about Sarah Palin. To quote the Wikipedia description “Documentary films constitute a broad category of nonfictional motion pictures intended to document some aspect of reality.”

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Congratulations to Japan on their World Cup win. Wonder which GOP Presidential candidate will be the first to claim it’s President Obama’s fault.

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Even many bandwagon soccer fans were heartbroken by the USA penalty-kick loss.  Some of them will even think about it before the next Olympics

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As much as most of the world cares about the women’s World Cup, the USA team still isn’t universally appreciated at home. In fact, when asked what they thought about Hope Solo, many Americans responded was “Wasn’t she in Star Wars?”

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Texas Governor Rick Perry, who insists he doesn’t want to enter the GOP Presidential primary, nonetheless said in an interview he’s “getting more and more comfortable every day that this is what I’ve been called to do.”

All these folks claiming God is calling or may call them to run for President. Is it possible that even God can dial a wrong number?

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Rudy Giuliani today on CNN about gay marriage. “I think the Republican Party would be well advised to get the heck out of people’s bedrooms. We’d be a much more successful political party if we stuck to our economic, conservative roots.” What’s more surprising, a GOP leader making a moderate statement, or the fact that Guiliani strung two sentences together without mentioning 9/11?

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from Marc Ragovin:  After accusing the Blue Jays of stealing signs, the Yankees said they would respond in an appropriate manner. Yeah, by waiting til the off season and stealing their players

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Random randomness.

December 3, 2010

Jamie Moyer, 48, just had Tommy John surgery but will attempt a comeback in 2012. Even Brett Favre is saying “Dude, give it up already.”

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Qatar won the World Cup bid for 2022.

That’s Q-A-T-A-R.     No U (or S).  

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The U.S. spent millions of dollars on its unsuccessful 2022 bid.  Apparently FIFA was undeterred by the money, and the promise of hundreds of fans at each game.

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On the other hand,  the average temperature during the day in Qatar during the time of year that the World Cup is played – 118 degrees..

At least this time when players flop, they’ll be doing it for a reason.

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118 degrees for an outdoor sporting event?  This could be even worse damage done to a sport by the heat since Lebron left for South Beach.

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NCAA President Mark Emmert said he was aware of the outrage regarding their Cam Newton decision, and vowed to fix the loophole. Right, either after South Carolina upsets Auburn Saturday, or after the BCS Championship game. Wonder how these kids get the idea it’s all about money….

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Of course, any final decision on Cam Newton’s eligibility will come only after discussion with the SEC – or as Augie says – “the Southern Ethics Committee.

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John McCain has been criticizing President Obama as “inexperienced.”  But by McCain standards, Jamie Moyer and Brett Favre are inexperienced.

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NASA has discovered a new form of life that can thrive on arsenice.  I can see it now, “Honestly, your honor, I wasn’t trying to kill my husband, I thought he was an alien.”

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Bristol Palin lashed out at Keith Olberman for calling her a hypocrite, saying that’s an “old canard.” Shocking. Who taught her the word “canard?”

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Snow could shut down the city of Buffalo for the remainder of the week. And even worse news for sports fans, since the Bills are playing in Minnesota, it won’t even at least cancel their game.

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Christine O’Donnell has just tweeted that she has signed a book contract. No publication date as yet but that will be announced as soon she finds someone to write it for her.

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from Bill Littlejohn:

The Washington Redskins have announced that they will grant full refunds for all tickets in the event of a work stoppage. They will pay out retroactively starting with the Monday night game against Philadelphia”

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The World Cup is over, but the circus must go on…

July 12, 2010

“Despicable Me” was number one at the box office this weekend. Except in Ohio, where moviegoers thought it was a repeat of the Lebron James’ decision special.

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On the heels of the apparent Lebron James, Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh pact to play together in Miami, comes a story that Amare Stoudemire has a similar arrangement with Carmelo Anthony and Tony Parker to join him in New York. Thus confirming what fans in smaller markets have suspected – NBA stands for Nothing But A**holes.

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But for those who have been watching the whole circus, and trying to decide who is the biggest attention-grabbing “bore”, (or feel free to substitute a rhyming word,) Lebron James or Cavs owner Dan Gilbert, with his open letter tirade to fans, there’s now a third option. Yep, the Reverend Jesse Jackson has now stepped into the middle of the argument, saying Gilbert sees James as a “runaway slave.”

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Monday begins Major League Baseball’s All-Star Break. So there will be no games scheduled. Plus with the World Cup over and the British Open not starting until later in the week, there will be few television options for sports fans.

And Lebron James said, “Darn, why didn’t I think of that?”

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All this talk about a rookie who hasn’t been in the big leagues long but really should be on the All-Star team….. forget Strasburg, how about Buster Posey? Hitting over .350 for the SF Giants, with 7 home runs and 25 RBIs, in 6 weeks.

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After the final World Cup match, FIFA gave out a number of awards to individual players. Unfortunately we’ll have to wait a while though, to see who ends up with the Razzies.
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Over 40 years ago, the water flowing over the American side of Niagara Falls was temporarly stopped for several months, so researchers could study the feasibility of removing some of the fallen rock. Apparently nearby residents had become so used to the extremely loud continous sound of the Falls, that they had trouble sleeping with the quiet.

Wonder if this will happen to soccer fans who may have forgotten what a day was like without vuvuzelas.

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The offensively-challenged Houston Astros fired their hitting coach, and replaced him with team legend Jeff Bagwell. This came as a surprise to Astros fans, many of whom didn’t realize their team HAD a hitting coach.

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Meanwhile, the Philadelphia Phillies and Cincinnati Reds played back to back 1-0 games this past weekend. What did they think they were doing? Auditioning for the 2014 World Cup?

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And apropos of nothing, wonder how many cases of mussels, his treat of choice, are being shipped to Paul the Octopus from Madrid this week. Meanwhile, on the menu in Amsterdam, octopus rijstaffel.

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Bob Sheppard, the voice of the Yankees for over 50 years, died Sunday at the age of 99. Or as Larry King said ‘So tragically young.”

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On a happier note, country music star Carrie Underwood married NHL star Mike Fisher last weekend. It was a strangely symmetrical group of wedding guests. Her friends were thinking “What’s the NHL?” And his friends were thinking “What’s country music?”

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And the hype goes on…

July 8, 2010

Spain-Germany. 90 minutes with one goal scored. And millions of Americans who complained that wasn’t enough action to justify watching the match will nonetheless turn into tomorrow’s 60 minute Lebron decision show.

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Lebron James denies that all of the hype about his free-agency choice is all about his ego and need for attention. In fact, after his 60 minute show which airs today on ESPN, he plans to do a followup show explaining how he came to the decision.

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The funny thing, Americans are paying more attention to all this free agent hype than they do to the NBA regular season. And to be fair, as far as next year’s playoffs, all this free agent hype might be more relevant than the regular season.

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from reader T.C. in Canada – If LeBron wants to play on a half decent team that never loses, he’ll sign with the Globetrotters.

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Although for all those who think that America must lead the world in caring about meaningless celebrity hype…. I give you the three most viewed stories today from England’s “Guardian” newspaper. Numbers one and two, the two World Cup semifinals. Story number three – Lindsay Lohan going to jail.

(and George Michael, who crashed his car again, has to be thinking, what am I, chopped liver?)

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Meanwhile, on the other side of the NBA tracks. Ekpe Udoh, the Golden State Warriors’ No. 1 draft pick, is already going to miss the NBA Summer League after injuring his wrist in practice. Well, on the bright side, Warriors fans don’t have to hold their breath anymore wondering what was going to go wrong THIS time.

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So far, the Bulls have signed Carlos Boozer, the Thunder have re-signed Kevin Durant, and the Heat have signed Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh. Meanwhile the Clippers have signed a new hot-dog vendor.

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So Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal just signed a bill that allows people to bring guns into church. Well, one phrase that may not be heard anymore in the state – “If this sermon goes on much longer, just shoot me.”

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So Meg Whitman is now running ads in Spanish saying she is opposed to Prop 187 and the new Arizona immigration law. I’m confused. Is she running against Jerry Brown, or the candidate she was in the Republican primary?

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Joe Biden is coming to California to fundraise for Barbara Boxer. And over at Carly Fiorina’s headquarters, staffers are working overtime to make sure they keep their candidate away from a microphone when she sees HIS hair.

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234 years ago today….

July 4, 2010

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” Wonder how many people you could get today to sign a petition with these commie-pinko sentiments?

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234 years ago, the U.S. declared independence from Britain. Now I wonder how long it will take for us to declare independence from China.

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How embarrassed are the Argentinian players after being routed 4-0 by Germany? Some of them are actually thinking of hiding out by going to hike the Appalachian trail.

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So as we head to the World Cup semi-finals, the hopes of the Southern Hemisphere rest on a country with a smaller population than Connecticut.

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But let me get this straight. Most of the world considers soccer the only true “football,” and Uruguay makes it into the World Cup semifinals because one of their players uses his hand?

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Apparently when Chelsea Clinton gets married later this summer, President Obama will attend, but former V.P. Al Gore will not. Guess Bill and Hillary didnt want someone showing up who would set a bad example for marriage.

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Lebron James finished his last round of interviews with the teams who believe they can sign him and still win with a team that is under the salary cap. And the New York Yankees are thinking “How quaint.”

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A Russian airline, Avianova, is airing a controversial commercial showing bikini-clad flight attendants washing one of their planes. The ad has been condemned as sexist and unrealistic. Who would believe that most airlines actually wash their planes.

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Britney Spears has a new clothing line at Kohl’s, which she describes as “edgy but girly.” Wonder what her target market is – moms who don’t want to pay a lot of money but still want to be able to dress their daughters like skanks?

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The Southern Californian city where In-and-Out Burger got their start, Baldwin Park, is now banning all new drive-thru restaurant. That’s about as incongruous as the county that is home to Silicon Valley being one of the slowest in the state to count votes in elections…. oops, never mind.

(If this last is too “inside baseball” suffice it to say that Santa Clara County in California is lucky if they get a final count a week after the election.)

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Why most people will be rooting for Paraguay and against Argentina:

July 2, 2010

No, it’s not just about the World Cup underdog thing. But two pictures here are worth at least two thousand words:

If Paraguay wins the World Cup, 24 year-old Larissa Riquelme, a lingerie model and soccer fan, has promised to run naked through the streets “with my body painted with the colors of Paraguay.”

If Argentina wins, the 49 year old Diego Maradona says HE will strip naked and run through the streets of Buenos Aires.

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