Posted tagged ‘Independence Day jokes’

234 years ago today….

July 4, 2010

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” Wonder how many people you could get today to sign a petition with these commie-pinko sentiments?

234 years ago, the U.S. declared independence from Britain. Now I wonder how long it will take for us to declare independence from China.

How embarrassed are the Argentinian players after being routed 4-0 by Germany? Some of them are actually thinking of hiding out by going to hike the Appalachian trail.

So as we head to the World Cup semi-finals, the hopes of the Southern Hemisphere rest on a country with a smaller population than Connecticut.

But let me get this straight. Most of the world considers soccer the only true “football,” and Uruguay makes it into the World Cup semifinals because one of their players uses his hand?

Apparently when Chelsea Clinton gets married later this summer, President Obama will attend, but former V.P. Al Gore will not. Guess Bill and Hillary didnt want someone showing up who would set a bad example for marriage.

Lebron James finished his last round of interviews with the teams who believe they can sign him and still win with a team that is under the salary cap. And the New York Yankees are thinking “How quaint.”

A Russian airline, Avianova, is airing a controversial commercial showing bikini-clad flight attendants washing one of their planes. The ad has been condemned as sexist and unrealistic. Who would believe that most airlines actually wash their planes.

Britney Spears has a new clothing line at Kohl’s, which she describes as “edgy but girly.” Wonder what her target market is – moms who don’t want to pay a lot of money but still want to be able to dress their daughters like skanks?

The Southern Californian city where In-and-Out Burger got their start, Baldwin Park, is now banning all new drive-thru restaurant. That’s about as incongruous as the county that is home to Silicon Valley being one of the slowest in the state to count votes in elections…. oops, never mind.

(If this last is too “inside baseball” suffice it to say that Santa Clara County in California is lucky if they get a final count a week after the election.)


Independence Day.

July 3, 2010

According to a recent poll, 1 in 4 Americans do not know who the U.S. declared independence from. Curiously enough, that’s about the same number of people who think Sarah Palin is qualified to be president.

For that matter, wonder how many folks in the U.S. think it’s a holiday that honors summer movies. Actually, I’d love is a poll that asked Americans what we celebrate on the Fourth of July? Why do I have a feeling we’d get some interesting answers.

At this point you have to figure for many Americans it’s just Cinco de Mayo without the tequila.

In Chicago, the REAL Independence Day is often when Cubs fans officially stop agonizing about the current season and plan for next year.

Damon Evans, the athletic director at the University of Georgia, was arrested and charged with DUI, while in a car with a young woman who was not his wife. And he apparently repeatedly urged the police officer to let him off or just give him a warning because of his position. The police report stated he said “I am not trying to bribe you but I am the athletic director of the University of Georgia.”

On Thursday Evans stated in a news conference: “My behavior and my actions are not indicative of what we teach our student athletes.” Actually, given the number of arrests for NCAA, NFL and NBA players alone, it seems this may be exactly what they teach their student athletes.

The New York Knicks are trying to encourage LeBron James to sign with them and “make a billion dollars.” Not to mention the money he can make during the playoffs for the rest of his NBA career as an television analyst.

Kentucky Coach John Calipari is under investigation by the NCAA AGAIN. You now have to wonder, why don’t the Los Angeles Clippers hire him? At least Calipari has success with paid players.

Speaking of money, the NCAA has announced their March Madness tournament will expand next year from 65 to 68 teams. What a relief for those teams who have been seeded 66, 67 and 68, and who just KNOW they could have played their way into the Final Four.

Paris Hilton appeared in court in South African Friday after being arrested earlier in the day and charged with marijuana possession. You know, when you’re that wealthy, aren’t you supposed to be able to hire staff to carry your pot?

A small silver lining in the SF Giants’ seven game losing streak. At least fans haven’t had to be stressed out by Brian Wilson’s tightrope-walking saves.

Who’d have thought a year ago that the PGA and networks televising tournaments would be thrilled just to have Tiger make the cut?

And on the subject of Tiger, from the very funny Jim Barach: “Tiger Woods is ranked #5 on the Forbes Celebrity 100 list. He was at #5 last year, too. Only then he was on the list as a golfer.”