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A new broom…

August 2, 2010

The SF Giants swept the Dodgers for the first time in San Francisco in six years. How bad are things going for the Dodgers. The loudest people yelling “Dodgers Suck” are calling into Los Angeles talk radio.

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The New York Mets had their Mets Hall of Fame induction ceremony for Dwight Gooden and Darryl Strawberry today, and then went out and lost 14 to 1. Maybe they should have had Gooden and Strawberry suit up?.

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Stuart Appleby won the Greenbrier Classic tournament today with a PGA record-tying round of 59. This was only the fifth round of 59 ever in PGA first, but the second in 2010. (The last golfer to shoot 59 before 2010 was David Duval in 1999.)

So this year, golf scores are falling like Tiger Woods endorsement contracts.

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A CHP video apparently showed Sacramento basketball star Tyreke Evans driving 120-130 mph on California Interstate 80 . Locals are shocked…. you can find room to drive that fast on I-80?

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Former Oregon quarterback Jeremiah Masoli was suspended and then kicked off the team for a variety of infractions, ranging from pleading guilty to misdemeanor second-degree burglary, to being arrested after a traffic stop for marijuana possession and driving on a suspended license.

Masoli is now attempting to walk on at Old Miss. Apparently he feels the school and program offer him the best option to start over. And it’s the SEC- where to be suspensioned, you really need a conviction for a felony.

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Coach Houston Nutt has indicated he’s giving Nutt a chance because he really believes in the young man. That and because the Running Rebels had been picked to finish last in the SEC.

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The rich get richer department: The New York Yankees, with their $200 million powerhouse lineup, picked up Lance Berkman at the trade deadline. Really? The Yankees needed another hitter like Tiger Woods needed another mistress.

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Or for those who remember: The Yankees need another high priced hitter like Imelda Marcos needed another pair of shoes.

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Sarah Palin’s latest book is titled “America by Heart.” The subtitle presumably, “Except what you need to write on your palm to remember.”
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One wedding…and a potential funeral.

July 31, 2010

The wedding, of course, was Chelsea Clinton’s. The potential funeral, Levi Johnston’s, now that Mama Grizzly has heard embarassing stories leak about TWO ex-girlfriends he apparently got back together with between engagements to Bristol.

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Chelsea Clinton’s wedding was beautiful and touching. Not only did Hillary do the typical mother-of-the-bride crying, apparently Bill cried too. Right during the part where the minister said “If anyone knows of a reason why the couple should not wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

He was crying that no one spoke up when he married Hillary.

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One of Tiger Woods’ alleged mistresses, porn star Joslyn James, referred to another of the golfer’s alleged mistresses as “an embarrassment.” We knew Tiger was at least at one time the greatest golfer in the world, but he may have pulled off a more difficult feat – making Bill Clinton look like he had classy taste in women.

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Hillary Clinton wore an Oscar de la Renta gown at Chelsea’s wedding. Apparently no designer mother-of-the-bride pantsuits were available.

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For everyone tired of all the hype regarding Chelsea Clinton’s wedding, there may be some silver lining in the Levi Johnston paternity story. We’re a lot less likely to go through this all again with Bristol Palin.

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Actually, the rumors are that the on-again, off-again Palin-Johnston engagement is off, again. Even Brett Favre is saying “Kids, make up your minds.”

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Before the trade deadline the Yankees picked up Kerry Wood. Who pronounced himself thrilled to be heading to the Bronx, and ready to be injured for the post-season.

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The Seattle Mariners set a franchise record by losing 22 games in July. (Even with the All-Star break.) The only team with a worse record this month… BP’s PR department.

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No wonder there are worries about consumer spending and the recovery: The New York Yankees added only $4.8 million to their payroll at the trade deadline.

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From Bill Littlejohn : On Friday night against the Cubs, the Rockies set a record with 11 straight hits.They broke the record held by Michael Phelps on his bong”

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No crime or misdemeanor?

July 30, 2010

The Portland Police decided not to file charges against Al Gore in the alleged 2006 sexual assault case. They cited deficiencies in the masseuse’s story, lack of forensic evidence, and the near impossibility of getting a 12 person jury to imagine Gore as a “crazed sex poodle.”

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Tom Brady says he would like to pay another 10 years, until he’s 43. “Quitting so young? scoffed Brett Favre.

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With Tim Tebow’s new deal with Jockey as an underwear model, maybe we’ll finally get an answer to that age old question.. .WWJW? As in “What would Jesus wear?” (Boxers or briefs?)

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Where is Saturday Night Live when you need them? As in the ESPN spoof I want to see… Alex Rodriguez is still stuck on 599 home runs, and Generalissmo Francisco Franco is still dead.

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After 10 plastic surgery operations, Heidi Montag has filed for divorce from Spencer Pratt. Her alleged reason? He doesn’t appreciate “the real me.”

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Washington manager Jim Riggleman says he will employ a “closer by committee” strategy after the team traded Matt Capps for prospects. This is a relatively new concept for the Nationals — having games to close.

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A snarky but funny comments from Gary Morton regarding my post about the Bristol Palin-Levi Johnston saga, where Levi’s ex-girlfriend may be pregnant with his child, but she doesn’t know which of three guys it is…. “What, she couldn’t read the names on the back of their jerseys (as they sprinted from her trailer)?

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Sarah Palin criticized President Obama for going on “The View.” I guess she feels like he should spend his time on more important things, like taking his family camping with Kate Gosselin.

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Bill Clinton today, in talking about Chelsea’s wedding and her potential dress, said he doesn’t remember what Hillary wore during their wedding. Makes sense, he hasn’t remembered his vows either.
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On “The View,” President Obama admitted he didn’t know who “Snooki” was. That’s okay, on “Jersey Shore” Snooki admitted she didn’t know who President Obama was.

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Two men were arrested at Citi Field during the Mets-Diamondbacks game after they jumped onto the field carrying Mexican flags to protest of Arizona’s immigration law. Fans were actually rather supportive of their efforts. In fact, a majority felt that we should leave Mexican workers alone, and just deport the Mets.

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“Northern Overexposure,” renewed for another season.

July 30, 2010

So the “Northern Overexposure” show continues. Soon after the announcement that Bristol Palin is re-engaged to her ex-fiance, and father of her child, Levi Johnston, is facing a paternity test from an ex-girlfriend. Apparently the two reconnected during the time Bristol and Levi were not seeing each other.

The young woman says she “thinks” Levi is the father, but is “extremely embarrassed” because she doesn’t know.

Apparently there are at least three potential dads here. Who knew Levi and Bristol’s potential reality show might be an Alaskan remake of “Mama Mia.”

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And okay, what kind of idiot gets a girl accidentally pregnant, and then doesn’t use condoms? (I never knew Levi had NBA aspirations.)

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A friend posted this quote today. “We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.” — Robert Wilensky, 1996

On the other hand, they do a good job of reproducing the collective tweets of Sarah Palin.

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Poor ESPN. What are they to do? For a lead story on every edition of Sportscenter they won’t be able to decide between updates on A-Rod being stuck on 599 home runs, and Stephen Strasburg disabled list updates….

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Regarding President Obama’s appearance on “the View,” give the guy a little credit for being aware of popular culture. They asked former President George W. Bush what he thought of the View and he replied “I liked the one of the Rose Garden best.”

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Terrell Owens apparently arrived too late and missed his flight to Cincinnati last night. Well, T.O. may or may not still be able to get past NFL safeties, but clearly he’s no match for Delta gate agents.

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An investigation has shown that as many as 6600 graves at Arlington National Cemetery may have been unmarked or mismarked. So apparently they should have been referring to the Tombs of the Unknown Soldiers.

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Federal agents in Fresno say they have arrested 100 people in an operation which netted over $1.7 billion worth of pot in Central California. In related news, sales of Doritos in the Fresno area have fallen 50 percent.

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Buck Showalter was hired today as manager of the Orioles. Well, at least he won’t have to worry about any more criticism for managing badly during the playoffs.

(while Showalter has done well with teams in the past, none of them have won the World Series, and two won it the year AFTER he left.)
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Meg Whitman has said if elected she will run California like she ran Ebay. For starters, instead of an expensive re-election campaign, she’ll just implement a “Buy-it-Now” button.

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According to a recent poll, apparently Meg Whitman’s expensive commercials are largely being tuned out by California voters. Well, if this governor thing doesn’t work out, she may have a job waiting for her as director of programming for NBC.

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Sports and other distractions.

July 23, 2010

One of the University of California’s top football recruits, Chris Martin, has decided to transfer to Florida. Apparently he says being at Cal would have meant too many distractions – like classes.

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As the list of players and schools grows in the NCAA investigation of that big agent-sponsored Memorial Day party at the Fountainebleau hotel in Miami, one common refrain is emerging from all of those protesting innocence – “I did NOT take my talents to South Beach.”
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Now New Orleans point guard Chris Paul wants to be traded to the New York Knicks so he can play with Amare Stoudemire and someday Carmelo Anthony. So when exactly did the NBA become a bunch of guys choosing sides on the playground?

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But to be fair to Paul, maybe he just feels New York would offer him a more exciting atmosphere, while still avoiding all that playoff pressure.

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Bristol Palin told US Weekly that her mother is not happy about her upcoming marriage. So any day now expect to read this Shakespearian tweet – “How sharper than a grizzly’s tooth to have a thankless child. You betcha.”

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The bat that Pete Rose used to get his final hit sold at auction for only $158,776. Rose was pretty upset. The all-time MLB hit leader had long ago sold the bat, but had bet it would go for at least $200,000.
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First Lady Michelle Obama went to an Orioles game in Baltimore to pitch her childhood obesity “Let’s Move” campaign. Said Baltimore fans “Sounds like a great idea, just how far away can we move this team?”

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Palo Alto’s Jeremy Lin signed a two year contract with the Golden State Warriors. Okay, let’s be real – a couple weeks ago most people would have said that you would be more likely to see a basketball fan in Cleveland still wearing a Lebron jersey, than to see an Asian-American point guard from Harvard in the NBA.

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The Beach Boys may reunite for a 50th anniversary tour. Of course now all their “California Girls” have become the “Little Old Ladies from Pasadena.”

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A United flight hit sudden turbulence resulting in passengers being thrown around the cabin. It was the third United plane to experience such a sudden drop this year. The airline is now apparently in negotiations with Six Flags to turn the experience into a paid thrill ride.

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BP admitted Thursday that they have removed another substantially altered photo on their Gulf of Mexico oil disaster website. The company added that they have now told their contract photographers not to do any more Photoshopping on the site.

So what did the these photographers do before hiring on at BP? Work with supermodels?

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The real criteria for being a BCS conference…?

July 22, 2010

It’s beginning to look like…do you have bribe-worthy players?

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Alabama coach Nick Saban is plenty upset about all the recent stories of NCAA investigations due to behavior by sports agents. In fact, he questioned during SEC media days, that how were some of these agents “any better than a pimp?”

Saban’s comments immediately drew fire, from insulted pimps.

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So USC is returning their copy of Reggie Bush’s Heisman trophy, but not their copy of O.J. Simpson’s trophy. Apparently killing two people pales in comparison to the far greater crime of getting the Trojans put on probation.

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Tiger Woods’ endorsements are apparently down about $22 million this year. So okay, to be real, most advertisements are really selling sex, or the lure of having sex. But apparently there can be too much of a good thing?

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Final Jeopardy question tonight.

Who is the only U.S. president who actually has degrees (not honorary degrees,) from both Harvard and Yale.)

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Sarah Palin likes to refer to many of her chosen November candidates as “Mama Grizzlies.” Is this the best idea? Don’t grizzlies go into hibernation and disappear around November?

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The latest potential Palin-Shakespeare colloboration? “Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him well,, or at least I could see him regularly from my house.”

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Or perhaps on the Johnson-Palin family feud’ Two households, both alike in selling their dignity. In fair Wasilla where we lay our scene…”
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Nevada Senate candidate Sharron Angle has proposed phasing out Social Security and Medicare, reinstating Prohibition, and getting rid of fluoride in drinking water. She also says she believes she gains very little from conducting interviews with the “mainstream media.” Okay, on that I agree with her.

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After the Twilight Zone game on Tuesday night, Dodgers manager Joe Torre had to serve a one-game suspension Wednesday against the Giants. But I heard he left a nice new copy of the MLB rulebook in the dugout.

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An actual serious question (yes, once in a while, why not?) I know sometimes passengers need to move around. But after yet another incident where sudden, severe turbulence resulted in a number of injuries aboard a United Airlines plane, why does ANYONE still sit in their airline seat with their seatbelt off?

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And back to jokes. This was the third United flight that dropped suddenly due to turbulence since February. United Airlines denies rumors that they are in negotiations with Six Flags to charge passengers extra for future “Drop Zone” flight experiences.

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This joke inspired by one from my friend Jerry Perisho.

A independent state Assembly candidate in Wisconsin had her ballot statement rejected by elections officials as being too disgusting.

What, did she refer to herself as “still a Brett Favre fan?”

(Jerry’s joke, “Cheesehead” wasn’t bad enough?_ And for really curious readers, google the story, her five word statement was a stupid racial slur, and doesn’t bear repeating.)

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Weekend wanderings….

June 26, 2010

Raymond Parks, the last surviving founder of NASCAR, has died at the age of 96. In his honor, all drivers will race in an upcoming event with their left blinkers on.
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Giants baseball – A possible violation of the Geneva Convention.

for anyone going, huh? Friday night closer Brian Wilson recorded one of his trademark saves for the San Francisco Giants. Two quick outs in the ninth with a two run lead, and then four straight baserunners before he finally salvaged a one run win with the bases loaded. 42 pitches)

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Congratulations to Edwin Jackson of the Diamondbacks, who somehow pitched one of the sloppiest no-hitters despite throwing 149 pitchers, walking eight batters, and hitting another. It’s a little reminiscient of the girl we all knew in high school who proudly proclaimed her virginity, but nonetheless went to second base with a different guy each weekend.

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How badly are the Los Angeles Dodgers struggling right now? At this point their goal may just be to win nearly as many games in June as the Lakers.

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There are rumors that the Jacksonville Jaguars, struggling on the field and with attendance, may not survive in the NFL more than a few more years. If so, both the SEC and Pac 10 are reportedly interested.

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Sarah Palin, in California for a controversial fundraiser at Cal State Stanislaus, did not make any appearances of behalf of Carly Fiorina, theSenate Candidate she has endorsed. Apparently there were long negotiations on the subject, and Fiorina’s people convinced Palin not to do it.

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In Palin’s speech, she complained about the young people who dug up details on her speaking fees and other contract demands, referring to them as “students who spent their valuable, precious time diving through dumpsters before this event in order to silence someone … what a wasted resource.”

And the former Governor should know about wasted time as a student, after she attended her six colleges in six years to earn a bachelor’s degree.

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So now there are doubts about the truth of the story about Al Gore reputedly ever making unwanted sexual advances towards that masseuse. Makes sense, with all due respect, if he and Tipper didn’t have four kids there would be doubts if the former Vice President had ever had sex.

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USC has appealed some of the sanctions against their football team, but the Trojans accepted this year’s bowl ban. Translation – yeah, somehow we ended up hiring Lane Kiffin, so we weren’t going to one anyway.

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Volatile Chicago pitcher Carlos Zambrano was suspended indefinitely by the team for yet another tantrum and tirade. No one is quite sure what sets him off – maybe it’s playing for the Cubs?

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In the World Cup, Switzerland, whose defense allowed only 1 goal in 3 games, nonetheless couldn’t advance because they just couldn’t score in a 0-0 game against Honduras. So this may go down in history as a “Swiss Miss.”

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Linda McMahon, running for Senate in Connecticut, is running as an outsider, saying that as former CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment, she has had a regular job. And that WWE is “a soap opera that entertains millions every week.” So this is different from Congress how?

Former Vice President Dick Cheney was hospitalized again with heart problems. This must all somehow stem from his being born without one.

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Great joke I wish I’d written from Alex Kaseberg:

In the World Cup, Italy and France, lost and are out, but the US, England, Germany and Japan continue to fight. Why does this sound so familiar?

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Do as I say….

May 28, 2010

Pablo Sandoval, all 260 cuddly pounds of him, more or less, has started working with elementary school students to promote physical fitness. Not that we don’t love “the Panda,” but isn’t him advising kids on being in shape like the rest of the Giants team advising them on hitting?

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Or choose your punchline…

Isn’t the heaviest man on the Giants advising kids about physical fitness like…

John Edwards dispensing relationship advice?

Lindsay Lohan encouraging responsible behavior?

The Chicago Cubs discussing winning philosophies?

Bristol Palin preaching abstinence? (Oops, never mind)

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The Oakland Raiders have filed a grievance against JaMarcus Russell, seeking back almost $10 million of the money they have paid him, presumably because of his disappointing and uninspired performance. Is this a great idea? If the judge rules in the team’s favor, how long before season ticket holders in turn file a grievance against the Raiders?

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Skytrax came out with their annual list of the top ten World’s Best Airlines. Not surprisingly no U.S. carriers were on the list. With all due respect, it’s hard to imagine U.S. airlines even making the top ten list for North America.

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John McCain is inexplicably strongly opposed to the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.” That may be because at his age it’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Remember.”

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Since a new neighbor, Joe McGinniss is writing a book about her, Sarah Palin is building a tall fence around her home in Wasilla. In related news, Russia announced cutbacks in their anti-surveillance budget.

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Whoever said “Practice makes perfect?” It certainly wasn’t anyone who’s been following the University of Michigan football team.

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Jerry Brown has announced he has $20 million available for his fall gubernatorial campaign. And Meg Whitman responded “$20 million, isn’t that cute?”

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from my funny friend Marc Ragovin – tweaked just a little:

According to the BBC, a recent study has concluded that condoms manufactured to international standards are too big for the majority of Indian men. I guess that explains the country’s cricket league’s slogan: “Chicks Dig The Short Ball.”

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And in the equally tacky department, Barack Obama, increasingly frustrated with BP, apparently said today “Just plug the damn hole.”

Funny, apparently that’s about the same thing one of Tiger’s girlfriends said in response to one of his sexting messages.

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Embarrassment of riches.

May 26, 2010

Dwayne Bowe, former first round draft pick, told ESPN the magazine that his rookie year the team “imported” a number of women they had met on social networking sites to stay at a San Diego hotel during a road trip. Well, it’s hard to believe it’s possible, but yes, he might end up a more embarassing first-round pick than JaMarcus Russell.

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The University of Michigan decided to sanction itself in hopes of avoiding major NCAA penalties for its football problem. The sanctions include two years probation from bowl games. Well, considering that the Wolverines are 8-16 in two years under Rich Rodriguez… will anyone notice?

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Michigan is afraid that the NCAA might impose even tougher sanctions – like requiring them to continue employing and paying Coach Rodriguez.

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Phoenix tied up their NBA playoff series with the Lakers in large part because of great performances from their bench. And Kobe Bryant said, “What’s a bench?”

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Okay, for all you San Francisco Giants fans who were in the pool for which Giant would score the first run since last Friday – who had Todd Wellemeyer?

(translation on the above, Wellemeyer is the Giants fifth starting pitcher, a long time journeyman who has only a handle of career hits. But he got one tonight on an 0-2 pitch and did indeed score.)

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Vaughn Ward, a GOP congressional candidate in Idaho, had already fired his campaign manager after it was found he “borrowed” language from other Republican politicians. Now he gave a speech that at times was word for word the same as President Obama’s 2004 Democratic Convention keynote speech.

Rumor has it Ward was thinking of copying from Sarah Palin too, but he accidentally washed his hands first.

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But come on, a word for word “borrowing” of phrases from one of the most famous speeches made by a now sitting president? Joe Biden has got to be thinking “Dude, at least I plagarised a British politician most Americans had never heard of.” (Neil Kinnock.)

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Congrats to New York City, for landing the 2014 Super Bowl. The biggest potential problem… serious cold weather for an outdoor game. “No problem, I’m used to cold weather,” stated Brett Favre.

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Attendees at a real estate conference complained about Sarah Palin’s speech and some said they didn’t even think she knew what “carried interest” was. Palin replied that of course she did – all the designer purses she has carried lately attract serious interest.

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Nikki Haley, the Republican front runner to replace Governor Mark Sanford in South Carolina, is facing allegations of her own. Namely from a conservative blogger who claims the two had an affair several years ago.

If these allegations are true for the married family values candidate, it could be one small misstep for a woman, one giant leap in hypocrisy for womankind.

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Tubing the Gulf…

May 17, 2010

BP has hooked up a mile-long tube that so far is successfully sucking up some of the oil spill in the gulf. They refer to the tube as the “Monica Lewinsky” pipeline.

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Here’s a scary question? What’s going on with BP’s OTHER wells? The ones we haven’t heard about. Of course, I’m sure the company would tell you this was an isolated incident and there’s no chance of anything at their other drilling sites going wrong, wrong, wrong…..

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Well, the Preakness stakes is over, and Kentucky Derby winner Super Saver finished a disappointing eighth. But in an example of why horse racing is an under-rated sport, Super Saver was quiet in defeat, not blaming the track, his stable-mates, the officials, etc…

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Reader Gary Morton pointed out that no joke series about humans and Neanderthals mating would be complete without Ben Roethlisberger somewhere in the punchline. Well, actually, isn’t he an example of a Neatherthal perhaps trying unsuccessfully to mate with humans?

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With all these athletes testing positive for female fertility drugs, isn’t it about time for one of them to endorse a home pregnancy test?

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Many fans in the Philadelphia area have jumped on the Flyers bandwagon. Some of them are so excited they may actually watch a game.

And note to new fans who want to talk about the Flyers’ incredibly impressive 6-0 thrashing of the Montreal Canadiens. Yes, it was a great performance, but no missed extra points were involved.

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Cubs manager Lou Piniella says he is frustrated with his teams’s record, and expects his Chicago Cubs to live up to their reputations and salaries. I don’t know about salaries, but Lou, have you realized, the Cubs ARE living up to their reputation?.

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From Bill Littlejohn: On a visit to Buffalo, President Obama was greeted with a billboard reading “I need a freakin’ job. Yes, times are getting desperate for Terrell Owens.

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commie pinko time:

Sarah Palin’s latest is to tell President Obama to “secure our borders.” While we’re at it, maybe Canada could create a “no-fly” zone for crazy people attempting to fly over their country from anywhere up north…like say, Alaska?

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Sarah Palin also appeared with Arizona Governor Jan Brewer and said “We are all Arizonans.”

Well those of us who with are light-skinned with Causcasian features, and no discernable accent anyway.

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Thoughts between Tiger updates…

April 9, 2010

Tiger Woods is surrounded by 90 bodyguards at the Masters to assure that no member of the public can get close to him. Hmm, if he had done this a few years ago, maybe he wouldn’t be in the mess he’s in now.

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A new study says that drinking too much soda may cause sexual problems for men. Sounds like instead of Gatorade, in the long run things for Tiger might have gone better with Coke.

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Congratulations to Brett Favre, who is now a grandfather. Favre made the announcement and said he was very happy, but for some reason his daughter didn’t want his help in deciding what to name the baby.
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Jon Gosselin is now saying his children are being neglected, and so is suing his ex-wife Kate for custody of their children. Apparently he thinks that his nannies are better than her nannies.

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Former Redskins star quarterback Joe Theismann was interviewed on NFL Radio and said of Jamarcus Russell. “He’s inaccurate and he’s too big. And he doesn’t thrown the ball well.” Stay tuned tomorrow when Theismann tells us that Brett Favre is a little indecisive.

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Butler rewarded their young coach Brad Stevens with a 12 year contract for leading the Bulldogs to the NCAA championship game. 12 years?!!! Wow. By the time his contract is up Stevens might be old enough to shave.
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Whatever you think about Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, she routinely wins re-election in San Francisco with 80 percent of the vote. But two Republicans are running against her this year, and may raise over $1 million, largely based on contributions from outside of California. And the GOPs says Democrats waste money?

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Sarah Palin is now saying “I support Michael Steele. I am glad he is the leader of the party, administratively,” Translation, with him running the GOP you don’t hear so much any more about that $50,000 I spent on clothes.

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Umpire Joe West has complained publicly about the Red Sox and Yankees’ slow play during their opening series, when all the games went almost four hours. On the other hand, considering the ticket prices at Fenway, maybe the teams felt like they were just trying to reduce the entertainment cost per minute.

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Apparently the iPad has problems connecting to wi-fi. Not to worry, Apple will no doubt have a new version to make these and other issues obsolete in six months.

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California dreaming…

March 26, 2010

Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh actually tweeted this “I realize I’ve never had one. When we win the Rose Bowl I’m going to treat the team and myself to a DQ banana split. Wonder how long it will take the NCAA to investigate this as a possible illegal player payment program.

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Sarah Palin is actually going to host a show featuring Alaska wildlife. No word on whether it will be fried, roasted, or barbecued.

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How trashed are most Americans’ NCAA tournament brackets? Worker productivity for the last week in March is at an all time high.
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We may never know for sure what exactly happened between Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger and his latest accuser. But it does seem likely that Ben’s “dating skills” are never going to get him invited to be a contestant on “the Bachelor.”

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In 1928, Otto Frederick Rohwedder invented the bread slicer. So what did they say it was the greatest thing since…?

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John McCain is really upset about the passage of the healthcare bill by the Democrats. In fact, he made the following statement on behalf of his fellow Republicans “There will be no cooperation for the rest of the year.”

Yes John, and your point is…?

(If he really does believe what he said that could settle it, McCain really was too senile to be elected President.)

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Speaking of old, Sir Elton John turned 63 on Thursday. He can still sing “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road,” but now it’s because he can’t remember the way back.

And Stephen Tyler of Aerosmith turns 62 today. In his honor, the “Rock and Roll Coaster” at Disney World, which is a high speed ride in fake convertible cars themed to Aerosmith songs, will mostly operate as normal. But the cars will go through the turns and loops with their left blinkers on.

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Pope Benedict XVI has been accused of, (back while he was still Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger), helping to stop an investigation of a Wisconsin priest accused of molesting over 200 deaf boys. This is the most embarrassing story to hit the Vatican since last week

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The Mourning after….

January 21, 2010

Who knew, the “Hangover” could turn out to be a Democratic documentary for the day after the Massachusetts special election?

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At one point in her Senate campaign, Martha Coakley referred to Red Sox World Series hero Curt Schilling as a “Yankees fan.” In retrospect, that may have been when many voters in effect told her to “put a bloody sock in it.”
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At least Coakley wasn’t asked about Bobby Orr. She might have made some comment about rowing.

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John McCain’s wife Cindy has decided to come out against Proposition 8, the anti-gay marriage initiative in California. In a new ad, Cindy is wearing duct tape across her mouth. Just think of what could have happened had her husband’s campaign tried that strategy with Sarah Palin.
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Tiger Woods now apparently says he’s a “sex addict.” So what’s the difference between a sex addict and most men? Means and opportunity.

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Gavin Newsom gave an interview to Maureen Dowd of the New York Times saying he planned to leave politics in 2012. Later, he called the reporter to say he was “just kidding.” Who knows with the mercurial San Francisco mayor? Maybe he’ll end up playing quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings.

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Now it turns out that besides having a mediocre record at Tennessee and leaving after only a year, Lane Kiffin also wrecked the Lexus loaned to him by the university. Guess this assures that Coach Kiffin will go down in Volunteer history as “Rocky Flop.”

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No NHL team with at least seven players chosen to various Olympic teams has ever won the Stanley Cup. The Sharks have eight players going to Vancouver this year. Well, I guess that streak is safe.

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Four of the Sharks are playing for Canada. If Canada wins the gold, San Jose may ask that the NHL playoffs next year be moved up to February.

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Slouching towards Saturday…

January 15, 2010

The New Orleans Saints, known for their high-powered offense, and slightly less high-powered defense, will play the Arizona Cardinals Saturday afternoon. The Cardinals beat the Green Bay Packers 51-45 in what was basically an Arena football style game (with no defense) last week. Stay tuned for the first NFL playoff game where the over-under might be triple digits.

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Heisman runner-up Toby Gerhart has decided he wants to get paid for playing football, and so will forgo his last year of eligibility at Stanford and enter the NFL draft. It was either that or transfer to USC.

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Sources say that whatever happens with his plea bargain, there are “irreconcilable differences” between Gilbert Arenas and the Washington Wizards. Arenas for his part says he took his best shot at it.
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Silly thought for a Friday. Heidi Montag has admitted to having 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day, so that she can feel “comfortable as a woman as a person.” Stay tuned for her next interview, when she will claim “no one appreciates the real me.”

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You have to hand it to NBC. They were losing at both the 10pm and 1135p time shots for comedy. So they basically decided to come up with their own material.

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No one is really happy with the mess at NBC. Okay, maybe except for Dave Letterman, and of course Tiger Woods.

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At this point, rumors are that there is a deal for Conan O’Brien to leave NBC, and presumably the best solution for the network is to keep him off the air. But if so, with a $80 million contract, at worst Conan stands to be the highest paid “American Idle.”

According to McCain advisor Steve Schmidt, Sarah Palin didn’t really understand why there was a North and South Korea. Which is unfortunate, because if she had, they wanted her to explain it to President Bush.

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Monday at the Oracle Arena in Oakland, the Harlem Globetrotters will take on their perennial opponents, the Washington Generals. Oddsmakers give the Generals a slightly better chance of winning than next Saturday’s Warriors opponents – the New Jersey Nets.

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God’s will?

January 11, 2010

According to former McCain aide Steve Schmidt, Sarah Palin believed she was chosen as the vice-presidential candidate because it was “God’s plan.” If so, this is compelling evidence that God is a Democrat.

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In the midst of an NCAA investigation into major violations with the Trojan football program, Pete Carroll has resigned from USC. Which probably means that he has signed on as coach as the Seahawks. Either way he probably wasn’t going to end up with a bowl eligible team.

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NBC has announced that they will cancel “The Jay Leno Show” at 1000p. They intend to move it to a half hour program at 1135p. Actually the network announced this decision last week on Leno’s show, but nobody saw it.

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Hard-core Brett Favre fans watching the Packers-Cardinals game will say that the ageless quarterback would never have made that game-ending fumble. Of course not, he would have thrown a game ending interception.

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The first NFL Wild-Card game on Sunday started at 1000a Pacific Time. This meant a lot of fans on the West Coast ended up just sleeping through the first quarter of the Baltimore-New England game. Guess what? The Patriots did too.

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According to the University of Texas trainer, apparently Colt McCoy wanted to return to the BCS championship game but the injury had prevented him from “throwing with with the strength or accuracy he needed.”

This would, however, not have disqualified him from playing quarterback for the Raiders.

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For all those looking ahead to next week’s NFL playoffs (and yes, it’s true, there are no bowl games this week, finally), the Arizona Cardinals, after their 51-45 win against the Packers, will take their high-powered offense and somewhat-challenged defense on the road to New Orleans. And the Saints follow a pretty similar model. This could be the first NFL game ever with a triple digit over-under.

(note to casual or non betting fans- the over-under is a bet where you bet on how many TOTAL points will be scored by both teams a game.)
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On the Leno mess. In all seriousness. As someone who grew up looking forward to those times when I could stay up and watch the Tonight Show, mostly Fridays and school breaks, it seemed pretty obvious even then that it was the kind of show you watched before going to bed. I remember Carson talking in an interview about all the men who would come up to him and, thinking they were original, say, “Hey, Johnny, my wife undresses in front of you every night.”

And even when I watched the show, I didn’t always make it to the end. Nonetheless, it was a great way to end the day. Which leads to the problem. NBC claims the ratings for “the Jay Leno Show” weren’t bad, but the networks complained it was a terrible lead in to the news. In the words of Homer Simpson “D’oh”

Anyone who wanted a late night post news show was going to watch Conan or Letterman, because that’s the kind of show they wanted at that time. My guess is that a lot of people who watched Jay turned the set off afterwards and went to bed, and got whatever news they needed online or early am. It just doesn’t feel right to watch a relaxing and sometimes cheesy variety/talk show, and then turn on the local “Fire, weather and murder” show, aka the news.

Not that the Leno show ever really felt like it had quite jelled, but I think almost any similar show with any host would be a failure at that hour, especially in terms of being a news lead-in. IMHO.

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Pre-Christmas wishes..

December 19, 2009

Memo from Santa.

To – All comedy writers expecting something in their Christmas stockings

“I already gave you Tiger Woods, how much more do you want?”

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And in the “be careful what you wish for department,” wonder if someone connected with the PGA tour ever wished two things this fall, that golf would be front page news, and that next year’s tournaments might be more competitive, with more new faces having a chance to win.

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A major snowstorm is hitting Washington, D.C. this weekend and the capital is expected to be paralyzed. So for Congress, it’s business as usual.

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When she was in Hawaii, Sarah Palin was wearing a sun visor with John McCain’s name blacked out. The question is, who blacked out the name? Sarah, or the McCain campaign?

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Palin actually said she blacked out the name with a Sharpie so that she could go “incognito.” Wouldn’t a big floppy hat have been easier? Although presumably there are easier places to have privacy than at one of the biggest hotels – the Hilton Hawaiian Village – in Waikiki.

And you have to wonder what was the paparazzi’s first clue….the autographed stack of copies of “Going Rogue” on her beach blanket?)

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According to the Los Angeles Times, USC’s leading rusher, Joe McKnight, has been seen regularly around town driving a $27,000 SUV registered to a booster. And the university is already under investigation for alleged “improper benefits” to Reggie Bush and O.J. Mayo. Maybe it’s time to start referring to them as the University of the Severely Clueless.

Bad pun alert.

Seattle is actually taking a chance on outfielder Milton Bradley. They are hoping as he gets into his 30s that the talented but volatile player will be more even-tempered. In other words, they hope there will be no whines from the ancient Mariner.

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Tough love? Florida defensive end Carlos Dunlap, arrested for DUI on December 1, has been reinstated for the Sugar Bowl. His court appearance is scheduled Jan 10, but coach Urban Meyer says he’s paid a “serious price” already, and he’s been a “good student and a good person.”

I’m sure the fact Dunlap was the team leader in sacks and is projected as a first round draft pick had nothing to do with it.

(By the way, Dunlap, who has pleaded “not guilty”, is 20 years old. Any drink he had before getting in a car was illegal.)

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Berry, berry, quite contrary.

December 18, 2009

Blackberry users across North America were unable to receive messages for several hours Thursday. You know what that means, millions of people in meetings were forced to actually pay attention to the speaker

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Yahoo’s market share as a search engine declined again in November. Interested readers can get more details by Googling the story.

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If their traffic gets much worse the company may soon be known as Ya-Who?

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Sarah Palin apparently took her family to Hawaii for a few days of vacation. She said it was to give them all a little relaxing together time, and besides, the kids had never been to a foreign country.

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Prince Charles is being accused of meddling in government affairs, after writing at least 8 letters to British government department heads in the last few years. Of course, considering the length of Charles’s relationship with his current wife Camilla, who could possibly be a better expert on government affairs?

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Now that Tiger Woods’ doctor is under investigation for performance enhancing drugs, wonder if his alibi will be, “No, I didn’t sneak off to be with the doctor, I was with a waitress”

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Woods and his wife Elin Nordegren may or may not be getting divorced. But one supposed bit of evidence is that Elin has recently been seen not wearing her wedding ring. But as countless people, especially women, have learned, seeing someone not wearing their wedding ring isn’t necessarily a sign of divorce. Unless they get caught.

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Sometimes no comment or punchline is needed. Arizona State’s long time baseball coach, Pat Murphy, who was also the three-time reigning Pac 10 coach of the year, resigned on November 20 of this year for personal reasons. USA Today now reports that on November 19 a letter was sent to the school from the NCAA informing them of an investigation of alleged “major rule violations”

University officials insisted there was no link between Murphy’s abrupt resignation and the NCAA investigation.

I like the one from Bud Selig that he had no idea there were steroids in baseball better.

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One I wish I had written from Jim Barach:

Tiger Woods has been named the “Athlete of the Decade” by the Associated Press. Woods was picked for his domination, performance and stamina. He didn’t do too badly on the golf course, either.

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Ouching Tiger.

December 4, 2009

The number one customer service question at the Apple Store this week from men – “Uh, how do you delete call logs?

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Good news for embattled Governor Mark Sanford – South Carolina legislators voted to throw out most of the civil charges filed by the state Ethics Commission. Bad news – Sanford’s wife has decided to take up golf.

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As rough a week as this has been for Tiger Woods, there are several teams, athletes and coaches who are if not exactly happy about his misfortune, relieved to be at least temporarily off the front page…

For examples:

– the New Jersey Nets

– Charlie Weis and anyone rumored to be on Notre Dame’s short list to replace him, not to mention the 6-6 team including former Heisman front-runner Jimmy Clausen.

– the Saskatchewan Roughriders, who had basically won the Grey Cup, Canada’s football championship, until they got called for a “too many men on the field” penalty during a missed game winning field goal attempt. (The extra man didn’t affect the kick, but the placekicker didn’t miss his second try, and the Montreal Alouettes pulled out the victory.)

– the Gator Bowl, and okay, they have nostalgia on their side, but as a big money New Years Day bowl, with the third pick of ACC teams, they will take 6-6 Florida State.

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On her book tour in Minnesota, Sarah Palin’s staff informed the media that they were banning foreign press and only English speakers would be allowed. Guess up north they were worried they’d have to deal with all those reporters coming across the border speaking Canadian.

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John McCain repeatedly praised AARP when he was running for President. Now that the senior group has endorsed Obama’s health care plan, the Senator is speaking out against them. But to be fair, maybe it’s not that McCain decided to renounce his previous praise. Maybe he just forgot it.

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How times have changed. In 1997, both the U.S. President, Bill Clinton, and the world’s top golfer, Greg Norman, were white. Now we have both President Barack Obama and Tiger Woods. The other difference, now the President seems like the squeaky clean one…

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The Swiss have long been known as the bankers of the world. Now they’ve granted $4.5 million bail to Roman Polanski. Which considering his history, seems like a rather risky proposition. Although if he jumps bail, he’ll actually be America’s problem, and the Swiss, while potentially embarrassed, can keep the money. Hmm……maybe I’m begining to see how they got all those banks.

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High strikes and misdemeanors.

November 20, 2009

Tim Lincecum won his second straight Cy Young award today. The person most unhappy about this? (No, not runner-up Chris Carpenter.) Michael Phelps. He’s now worried the IOC may classify marijuana as a performance enchancing drug.

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Tim Lincecum wins the Cy Young award Thursday morning, and Ricky Williams scores three touchdowns Thursday night for Miami. It might have been the best day for stoners since they invented Doritos.

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Although Lincecum only had 15 wins this year, voters apparently felt his statistics outweighed the results. Besides, he had two significant handicaps playing for San Francisco. First, the Giants’ anemic offense didn’t score him many runs. Second, he didn’t have the benefit of pitching against his own team.

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(Actually, how bad was the Giants’ offense last year? They would have had to taken iron to be considered anemic.)

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Vikings coach Brad Childress has been offered a contract extension through 2013. Which means he will only have to put up with Brett Favre retiring and unretiring another 2-3 times.

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Senator Robert C Byrd, 92, is now the longest serving member of Congress ever, having first been sworn in on January 3, 1953. He has cast more than 18,000 votes. And at this point, he remembers at least a dozen of them.
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Barbara Walters asked Sarah Palin was to rate President Obama’s performance on a scale of 1 to 10. And George W. Bush said, “1 to 10? Palin is right about the sexism, they always ask her the hard questions.”

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Former Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee has been saying that some of the criticism of Obama have been “unfair and even shameful.” (He was referring to things like GOP criticism of the President visiting Dover to pay respect to the coffins of returning soldiers, and the White House Halloween party for local children.) Huckabee added that while he is a conservative, he feels that “knee-jerk” criticism is counter-productive and prevents civil debate.

How weird is it that amongst leading Republicans, the creationist turns out to be one of those who seems most highly evolved?

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USC Coach Pete Carroll will use his team’s bye week to do some recruiting. While there may be a few twins and multiple players from the same schools on his lists, it’s a pretty safe bet no one will ask him anywhere if he’s going to “go for two.”

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The South African sports ministry has stated that gender tests on South African runner Caster Semenya will remain sealed and private. Yeah, that worked out so well with steroid testing in baseball.
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Cincinnati quarterback Zach Collaros was caught trying to enter a bar with a fake ID before he turned 21 this year. He was sentenced to a first offender program, but has apparently been AWOL .

The judge warned Collaros that he will be jailed if he doesn’t start the program soon, and added “It’s not like blowing off a math class.” Said several SEC quarterbacks “What’s a math class?”

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There’s drinking in college, I’m shocked, shocked…

November 19, 2009

A new study in the Journal of American College Health found that 41.5% of college students who live in co-ed dorms drink excessively on a regular basis. The other 58.5% in the survey thought “excessive drinking” is an oxymoron.

Of course, when they tried to do the same study in single sex fraternity houses, most of the guys were too drunk to answer.

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President Obama says he hasn’t seen Sarah Palin’s new book yet. But he thinks he may get a take a look after Sasha and Melia finish coloring it.

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You can tell the NFL season is heating up, the first coach – Dick Jauron of the Bills – has been fired, commentators are already talking about the playoff picture, and Sports Illustrated is already speculating about whether Brett Favre will or will not retire after this year…

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France qualified for their fourth consecutive World Cup on a missed call against Ireland. They won 2-1, but the winning goal was scored on a “hand ball” that the referee didn’t apparently see. Who was in charge of officiating anyway, the SEC?

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The Oakland Raiders for now have benched Jamarcus Russell and given their starting quarterback job to Bruce Gradkowski. Coach Tom Cable’s hope is that this will turn their fortunes around. But considering their overall lineup, this will probably work about as well as NBC moving Jay Leno to 10pm.

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The NBA New Jersey Nets are 0-12. Yes, that’s right – 0-12. This is as embarrassing as anyone on the team can remember. Other than admitting they’re from New Jersey.
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A new academic study reported in the Toronto Star says “that gut-wrenching fear of defeat and outright despair are what make sporting events truly enjoyable for those watching.” Well, if true, that means that Wrigley Field has just overtaken Disneyland as the “Happiest Place on Earth.”

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Bud Selig said that next year Major League Baseball will try to have less off-days between playoff games. Translation, Fox has decided the World Series going into November hurts their fall schedule.

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German filmmaker Gunter Wallraff is under heavy criticism for donning blackface to investigate the plight of blacks in Germany. Bill Littlejohn was shocked—there are blacks in Germany?”

The biggest problem Wallraff apparently faced during filming, everyone who met him kept calling him “Mr President.”

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Will the last Golden State Warrior to leave Oracle Arena turn out the lights?

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