Letter from Santa?

Posted December 20, 2010 by left coast sports babe
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Open reply letter from Santa to Chicago Cubs fans:  I got all your nice letters. Really. And I promise I’ll take care of that little World Series thing as soon as I take care of a few simpler requests like world peace.

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Note to Canadian readers – Santa apparently sent almost the same letter to Maple Leafs fans.

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Meanwhile, in Oakland, parents whose children have asked for things they can’t afford or don’t want to buy have an easy out.  “Sorry, kids, Santa hired Jamarus Russell to help him toss toys from the sleigh down the chimney.  Latest word is he’s still wondering where they ended up.

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The Vikings upgraded Brett Favre to questionable for tonight’s game against the Bears.  Frustrated fans responded that Brett has been questionable for most the year.

A recent polls showed 52 percent of Republicans believe in creationism.   Well, on some level it makes sense. These folks don’t do much for the theory of evolution.

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from my funny friend Jerry Perisho:

Racehorses who run well in sloppy weather are called “mudders.”  If they ever make a movie about those horses starring Robert De Niro and Ben Stiller, will they title it “Mudder fockers?”

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and from Alex Kaseberg.  Some parents-to-be have actually asked their Facebook friends to name their soon-to-be-born baby. So let’s all get ready to welcome to the world, little miss ROFTLMAO.

 

This a combined effort with T.C.  (since he sent me a great minds comment.)

There’s a new page in the NFL handbook for rookie punters.  1.  When punting at the end of the half or the end of a game, make sure to punt the ball out of bounds.  2.  If you can’t punt it out of bounds, for Gawd’s sake punt it to the sidelines. At least that way one of your coaches will have a chance to trip the guy.

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DADT

Posted December 19, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized

Great news on the Senate vote yesterday. Now “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” can go back to being how Carolina Panthers feel about each week’s game.

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Or as my friend Steve Moyer says, now it won’t be confused with the Panthers’ team motto: “Don’t tackle, don’t block.”

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Tim Tebow is making his first start Today, despite worries that he may not really be an NFL quarterback.  Well, it hasn’t stopped Alex Smith.

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From Bill Littlejohn:  Paris Hilton says she is putting together a motorcycle racing team. Well, she’s never had any problem getting riders.

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In Toronto, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper delivered an early Christmas present to children at the “Hospital for Sick Children” – an air hockey game.

The gift went over well. The  only problem, after a few hours of practice, the kids beat the Maple Leafs.

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Troy, led by freshman Corey Robinson, rewrote the record books at the New Orleans Bowl.   Leading to this reaction from most sports fans.  Where is Troy, and there WERE records at the New Orleans Bowl?

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Phil Cavarreta, the 1945 MVP, who led the Cubs to their last World Series appearance, died at the age of 94.    Which, for a history lesson for younger Cubs fans, was the last team heartbreak not involving Steve Bartman.

 

Apologies for the short posts-  on vacation this week without much internet access, but the show must try to stagger on.

 

 

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Benched, bothered and bewildered.

Posted December 17, 2010 by left coast sports babe
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So the Redskins benched Donovan McNabb in favor of Rex Grossman.  Wonder how many folks in Chicago are recovering from beer, milk, wine coming out of their nose?

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Michigan State Coach Tom Izzo will sit out Michigan State’s game on Saturday against Prairie View A&M, after receiving a one game suspension for a “secondary” rules violiation involving hiring an associate of a potential recruit.

Really? A one game suspension against Prairie View A&M.  Wonder if the NCAA will also make sure Izzo gets medical attention for that slap on the wrist?

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With the Broncos’ regular QB  Kyle Orton ailing, there is a chance Tim Tebow could start Sunday for Denver. There is some concern that the former Heisman winner may not yet be NFL ready. Although based on their record, neither are the rest of the Broncos.

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The Big 10 has announced they are “reconsidering” their “Leaders” and “Legends” designations for their two new football divisions starting in 2012.

What was their first clue?   All the computer science and engineering students students signing up to play online?

Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany said he was “surprised” by fan reaction, which he referred to as a “90 percent nonapproval rating.”   Yeah, that is surprising.  10 percent of fans like the names?

From Bill Littlejohn”  Suddenly the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim doesn’t sound so bad.

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The Beef O’Brady’s Bowl,  pitting Louisville against Southern Miss, will be played December 21 at Tropicana Field in St. Petersburg,.  Is this some sort of experiment to see if they can find a sporting event that will underdraw the Tampa Bay Rays?

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Yao Ming is out for the year with a stress fracture in this ankle. Which means that Jeremy Lin, from Palo Alto High School and Harvard,  is currently the best Asian player in the NBA.

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Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh will accept the Woody Hayes award for coaching from the Touchdown Club in Columbus in February, and he says he is thrilled bcause “Woody is one of my heroes.” Anyone still think Harbaugh is a frontrunner to coach at Michigan?

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Oh, the weather inside is frightful….

Posted December 16, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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Brett Favre is iffy, now the Vikings placed his backup Tavaris Jackson on injured reserve with a turf toe injury. Who knew? Looks like the Metrodome is in better shape than Minnesota’s quarterbacks?

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Still, conditions in the dome, including another leak, will make it uninhabitable for a while.

(Twins fans, happy and with no regrets with their new outdoor stadium, say “What else is new?”)

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The Chicago Bears may protest having to play their upcoming game with the Vikings outdoors at the University of Minnesota’s TCF Bank Stadium, because the outdoor stadium has limited facilities to warm the turf. Other NFL teams who have played over the years at Soldier Field just giggled.

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Possible good news for Chicago fans though.  If the Bears play as badly as they did against the Patriots, maybe there will be enough snow  that no one can see it.

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The Vikings put out a desperation call for a QB – Favre is out, Jackson is out. Minnesota wanted to know if ANYONE could play this weekend. Rumor has it JaMarcus Russell called and said “I’m available.” And the Vikes said, “Uh, actually we were considering a direct snap offense.”

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Brett Favre spoke today about his shoulder injury potentially being career ending: “There’s no way I would even consider (playing) with those symptoms still. I think I would be foolish to even think that way.” And who would ever think Favre might make a foolish decision?

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After Thursday night, they’re the 5-9ers.

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49ers, or 5-9ers, coach Mike Singletary after tonight’s 34-7 loss.  “We had a lot of opportunities, we made mistakes, we let it get away from us.”  Doesn’t that pretty much describe San Francisco’s whole season?

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Director Blake Edwards died today at the age of 88. Funeral arrangements are pending while his family looks for an appropriate “Reum.”

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R.I.P. Bob Feller, 92, one of the greatest pitchers of all time. Larry King was particularly saddened by his passing; King had hoped to have “that nice young man” on his farewell show.

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Listening to the news where they describe a murder suspect as being “armed and dangerous.” Excuse me, if someone is a suspect in a murder, and they are “armed,” isn’t it a given that they are also dangerous?

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Love this line from Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times, about one of the greatest Canadians ever to play baseball, (no, that’s not an oxymoron) Ferguson Jenkins, who has been honored with a postage stamp in his native country:

“Best thing about Canada’s new Ferguson Jenkins postage stamp?

You don’t even have to lick the whole thing — just hit the corners.”

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Love and money.

Posted December 16, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ,

 Mark Zuckerberg is Time’s 2010 Person of the Year for creating Facebook. Of course, with more and more people getting their news from social media, this means most Americans will hear about the award in a post, instead of reading the magazine.

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Senior citizens heard the Zuckerberg story and said “What’s Facebook?”

Young people heard the story and said “What’s a magazine?”

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Apparently Buckingham Palace has admitted that engagement pictures of Kate and William were slightly retouched before being released to the public.  This, however, is not a new practice.  Apparently when Charles and Camilla had their portrait done, especial attention was paid to Camilla’s mane.

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Carnival Cruise Line, which already cancelled two months of sailings to fix their damaged ship, the Carnival Splendor, announced Wednesday that they would cancel cruises for five more weeks into 2011, as repairs are taking longer than they thought. Which means the ship will be out of commission at least three months.  And you thought your mechanic kept your car in the shop too long.

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The University of Alaska at Fairbanks ranks 8th amongst U.S. colleges with the lowest graduation rates, with only 27 percent graduating. And Sarah Palin angrily responded “They’re not quitters, they’re fighters.” 

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My friend Jeff Klein recently heard a commercial for Hollywood Psychics. It said: We are not witches, gypsies, or pirates; we are you, just psychic.”  Well, that answers the question “Whatever became of Christine O’Donnell?

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The NCAA ruled Arizona State’s baseball team must vacate 44 of its wins from 2007. The team will also be banned from the 2011 postseason for multiple infractions under former head coach Pat Murphy, who “resigned” under pressure after the 2009 season. So what did Murphy think he was running at ASU? A football program?

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Mark Cuban, the flamboyant owner of the Dallas Mavericks, said he has a plan using his own money to entice college football teams into a playoff system instead of the BCS. So this would be a billionaire, fighting millionaires, over alleged amateur athletes, on behalf of the average sports fan. Is this a great country or what?

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Speaking of money, money, money, money, Cliff Lee is being lauded by many sports fans and media types for turning down the highest offer from the Yankees, and following his heart back to Philadelpha.   But, hey, folks, he DID sign for five year at $120 million. Not maybe exactly quite appropriate for a rousing chorus of “What I did for love.”

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Listening to Cliff Lee say it wasn’t about money, but he wanted to go to the team with the best chance of winning a championship. Yo, Cliff, I’m sure the SF Giants would have given you a few million to be their fifth starter.

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Numbers game.

Posted December 15, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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 The New York Yankees say they are not upset about being spurned by Cliff Lee. In fact they are happily going to move on, and just buy the Phillies.

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But regarding the Cliff Lee signing saga, who knew? On the whole he’d rather be in Philadelphia.

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From Gary Morton: The Yankees haven’t been “whupped” this bad by someone named Lee since Bull Run.

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Brett Favre still isn’t ready to rule out coming back for one more year.  But while Vikings’ fans may have had enough, late night talk show hosts and comedy writers are unianimous in saying he shouldn’t give up on his dream.

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Lies, damn lies and statistics example for the day: With the Phillies signing of Cliff Lee, right now the “average” ERA for starting pitchers next year in the state of Philadelphia looks pretty good. Tell that to Pirates fans.

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Looking ahead? The game currently known as the “Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl” just inked a deal with BYU to play in 2013, assuming the Cougars end up at least a .500 team. The New York Yankees are wondering how much it would cost to make the same arrangement with the 2013 World Series.

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But really, BYU is a basic lock for a 2013 bowl, Hawaii, Army and Navy have similar deals, Ohio State is going to New Orleans because the Sugar Bowl organizers knew from a prior bowl their fans would buy tickets and show up….   As far as rewarding the best competitors these bowls are making “Dancing with the Stars” look good.

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New University of Florida football coach Will Muschamp says he intends for the Gators to start running a pro-style offense. Makes sense with so many U. of F. players ending up in the NFL. Might as well make the transition a little easier, especially as some of them will no doubt be taking a pay cut.

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NY Jets coach Sal Alosi has been fined $25,000 and suspended without pay for that little sideline incident with the Miami Dolphins player. Which makes this one of the most ill-advised and expensive little trips ever, or at least since Tiger Woods decided to race off heaven-knows-where down his own driveway.

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The Redskins cut punter and holder Hunter Smith, whose inability to catch the ball for the extra point cost Washington a chance to tie the game against Tampa Bay last week. Smith was also the team punter, but his net average was 31st in the NFL.

Okay, you punt for the Redskins and you are nearly the worst in the league?   No excuse.  Or at least it’s not a question of lack of practice.

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Regarding ESPN’s new theory of World, or at least National League, domination:

Roy Halliday is 33,  Cole Hamels is 27, Cliff Lee is 32, and Roy Oswald is 33.

Meanwhile the oldest of the S.F. Giants “big four,” Jonathan Sanchez is 28.  Matt Cain and Tim Lincecum are 26, and Madison Burgarner is 21.

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Mitt Romney now says that American workers should just save money to pay for their own unemployment benefits. And presumably these workers should save enough so they can eat their daily cake too.

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Well, we don’t know how John Boehner will do as Speaker of the House, but we sure know he must never have played baseball.

(Since a few friends never saw “League of their Own” –  as Tom Hanks said, “there’s no crying in baseball.”)

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Streaks and geeks.

Posted December 14, 2010 by left coast sports babe
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After this weekend, Minneapolis crews are working frantically to see how long it will take to repair their aging structure and have it NFL ready as soon as possible. And besides Brett Favre, they are hoping to fix the Metrodome too.

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So the Big 10 starting in 2011 will have 12 teams , and the Big 12 starting in 2012 will have 10 teams.  Here’s a radical idea. Swap numbers.

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Instead, the Big Ten, which will now have twelve members, is dividing them into two football divisions: Leaders and Legends. What, they thought the players would find “North-South” or “East-West” too complicated?

Leaders and Legends?  Well it’s hard to figure out who is in which category.  Except for the high-priced consultants who came up with this idea.   For them I think the term is “Losers.”

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But really, don’t those categories sound like a “Comic-con” seminar, or as my friend Tim Church says, a video game?   And then they added this baby blue logo. Just in case the whole package wasn’t dorky enough.

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Brett Favre’s string of 297 straight starts ended today. His continuous passing streak, however, ended when Deanna heard about those texts to Jenn Sterger.

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Current Yankees theme song. “Can’t buy me love, can’t buy me Lee either.”

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Cliff Lee to the Phillies? So much for all those who said it couldn’t get any worse than this year for Mets fans.

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Halladay, Lee, Oswalt, Hamels, Blanton…. Sorry Phillies, but that starting five might almost be as good as Cain, Lincecum, Bumgarner, Sanchez, and either “fill-in-the-blank” or Zito.

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Amazing photos of that deflated Metrodome roof going around. It’s absolutely the most ridiculous image ever to come out of Minneapolis, at least since Deanna Favre took Brett’s camera phone away.

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 More about Sal Alosi, the NY Jets coach who tripped the Dolphins runner from the sidelines. He may receive a fine and/or suspension from the league. But if he can do the same with Michael Vick or Ben Roethlisberger, PETA or NOW will send him a nice bonus.

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The international pole dancing championships are this week in Japan.  The sport is growing and becoming more mainstream, although fans say they were too late to make a serious bid to be included in the 2012 London Olympics.

Although rumor has it the mostly male IOC is looking through their records to see if there is precedent for an exemption.

If pole-dancing ever makes it to the Olympics, we will definitely see a first for the games…. men asking their wives, so when do the gymnastic competitions start?

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Snow place like home.

Posted December 13, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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 Well, so much for those who said nothing in Minneapolis this year would collapse faster than Brett Favre’s dream of going back to the Super Bowl…

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Brett Favre has apparently told teammates that he doesn’t think he will play Monday night. And God responded  “You mean I collapsed that roof for nothing?”

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Unfortunately for Vikings fans, snow meant their game was postponed. Unfortunately for Bears fans, snow meant their game wasn’t.

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My friend Douglas Hudson commented “how embearassing.”

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But really, the Bears offense falling apart  because a game was played in the snow?    (They lost 36-7 to the New England Patriots)  What’s next, Drew Brees having a bad passing day due to Superdome air conditioning?

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 Meanwhile, in Washington, the Redskins continue their quest to find the most creative possible ways to lose a game. Today a great last minute drive negated by their holder not catching the ball on an extra point try. What’s next? For the price of a charter flight the Stanford band is available.

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In fact, as contentious as things might get in our nation’s capital, the one resolution that would probably get passed unanimously is a bill stating simply “Redskins Suck.”

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New York Jets coach Sal Alosi has apologized for a “total lapse in judgment” for tripping the Dolphins’ Nolan Carroll as he ran along the sidelines during a punt return today. No word on any potential punishment, but on the brighter side Alosi has been offered a job playing defense for the Dallas Cowboys.

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So coach Rex Ryan buried a game ball after his Jets were destroyed on MNF by the mighty Patriots. What’s he going to bury after they got beat by the mediocre Dolphins?

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‎49ers 40 – Seahawks 21. Today’s game at Candlestick Park was so embarassing for Pete Carroll that he had to think he was back with USC playing Stanford.

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 The 5-8 49ers are still inexplicably alive for a playoff spot in the woeful NFL West. And there are signs that coach Mike Singletary has gotten just a bit cocky after this week’s 41-20 drubbing of the Seahawks. For example, in the team’s locker room, Singletary has already hung a banner saying “Mission Accomplished.”

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Although to be fair, S.F.’s win did mean that at least for this year, they’re not the 4 and 9 ers.

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7-11 has come up with their own brand of wine, available exclusively at their convenience stores,, and known as “Cherrywood Cellars.”  Of course, wine snobs might argue that instead of cherries, wine is generally made from grapes.

On the other hand, if you care about what fruit your wine is made from, you probably aren’t shopping for it at 7-11.

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from Bill Littlejohn. on the Japanese space probe that’s hurtling toward the sun after it overshot Venus: “So much for JaMarcus Russell’s career as an aerospace engineer.”

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The Heisman and other politics

Posted December 12, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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 Regarding President Obama’s efforts to get a tax cuts-umemployment benefits-etc bill through Congress:

It’s pretty clear that some Democrats have either not heard of “Quid pro quo.”  Either that, or they think he is some Korean pitcher signed by the Dodgers or Yankees.

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Okay, just in case you thought you are too sports-obsessed, ESPN Insider has a story tonight about teams that might be on the bubble for March Madness. Yes, that’s March 2011 for a season that’s barely started. And if you are truly concerned about those bubble teams – yes, you might be too sports-obsessed.

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The Giants-Vikings game in Minneapolis has been postponed due to snow. Snow? In Minnesota in December? What’s next? A Miami Dolphins game being postponed due to sun?

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Cam Newton said in his Heisman acceptance speech that “parents do a lot of things behind the scenes that go unnoticed.” And at least one thing that he wishes had stayed unnoticed.

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 Apparently some Heisman voters not didn’t blame Cam Newton for the acts of his father, they felt sympathetic to his parental situation and were  thus more likely to vote for him. Ah, now that might explain a certain young woman’s run on “Dancing with the Stars.”

(well okay, except for the fact that Newton has talent.)

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At least this pre-Heisman hype will finally be simmering down.  A newspaper article on the Heisman finalists said that Andrew Luck could go as high as #1 in the NFL draft. Well, I’m pretty sure he won’t go higher.

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An AP-Stanford poll said 68 percent of Americans believe problems in schools are the fault of the parents. And Cam Newton and his dad said “See?!”

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And Sarah Palin allegedly said the study was  “proof that most Americans want government off their backs regardng their children – that’s less than half.”

Apparently the only thing WikiLeaks chief Julian Assange has been asking for in jail is access to a computer. And sure, what could possibly go wrong with that?

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Paul McCartney is still impressive. But wonder if there’s any truth to the rumor that had he not felt up to performing “Saturday Night Live”  would have postponed the show due to weather to become “Sunday Night Live?”

Don’t get me wrong, Sir Paul is definitely still “dishy.” But at 68 he has had at least as much work done as Nancy Pelosi.

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A Saturday without college football?

Posted December 11, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

This week, between the regular season and the bowls, is basically the only Saturday without college football. Well, okay, there are some FCS (Division 2) playoffs, and the Army-Navy game.   Which basically means for hard core college fans the message is – “Don’t ask what’s on,” and “Don’t tell me the answer.”

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There is of course a big award ceremony in New York, where the only drama is whether the likely winner is likely to keep his trophy. Maybe for the sake of clarity this year’s award should be referred to as “the Interim Heisman?”

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Saturday over 109,000 fans will crowd into Michigan Stadium for an outdoor hockey game featuring the Wolverines and Michigan State Spartans. This will be the largest crowd at the stadium for any event other than a football game. At least until Michigan sells tickets to the public firing of Rich Rodriguez.

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Urban Meyer resigned from Florida “to spend more time with his family.”  But there is that Broncos head coaching job open, with Tim Tebow. Standby for God to give Meyer a sign about expanding the definition of family.

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A document written by James Naismith 119 years ago detailing the 13 rules of basketball was sold for over $4 million Friday. Naismith wrote the rules while a YMCA PE instructor, as an idea to entertain boys during the winter. Apparently he was particularly concerned about finding an outlet for a young Greg Oden.

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No one was hurt when a camel and her costumed rider fell into the audience during a rehearsal for a Christmas pageant in Florida. I can imagine it now – “We Three Kings….” oops, make that two kings.

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A Burger King employee is in custody today because he punched a 67 year old customer who was allegedly being disruptive, and the man later died. This is shocking. Normally the only thing that will kill you at Burger King are those double and triple Whoppers.

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How lucky is Alex Smith?  He’s had a horrible several years in and as out as quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers, and his poor performances look likely to continue. And yet, he’ still won’t go down in history as the worst Northern California quarterback draft pick this decade.

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The World Anti-Doping Agency is investigating Dimitrij Ovtcharov, who won a silver medal for Germany in table tennis at the Beijing Olympics. Apparently the agency became suspicious when he jumped the net to congratulate an opponent.

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Cam Newton says he “is not disappointed in his father.” Why should he be? Dad got the money and covered his son’s ass to boot.   Not a bad job.

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‎65 days until pitchers and catchers report for Spring Training 2011.  And about three weeks after that until Cubs fans start staying “Wait until Next Year.’

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Sarah Palin is going to Haiti for a humanitarian mission. This could work. Democrats, and some Republicans, are frantically raising money for the beleaguered country in hopes of offering them enough to keep her.

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Allegedly Palin is heading to Haiti because she wants to show her strength in Barack Obama’s childhood home.   I mean, Haiti, Hawaii, it’s the same place, right?  An island that starts with H and ends with I. (Unfortunately she can’t see either from her house.)

Comments: 2 Comments

Tacky time

Posted December 10, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

 The Philadelpha Eagles are complaining that other teams aren’t being penalized for illegal hits on Michael Vick. But really, should they be surprised? It’s a “dog eat dog” world.

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One little potential sidelight of the Orange Bowl, by the way, is that the Stanford band will have an opportunity to do a halftime show while playing Vick’s alma mater, Virginia Tech.  I’m sure if they choose to honor Vick it will be done in a tasteful fashion.

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Alex Smith of the San Francisco 49ers said in an interview he still believes he’s a good quarterback. Even Sarah Palin said “That man is seriously delusional.”

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The University of Texas paid football coach Mack Brown over $5 million this year. And the Longhorns won exactly five games. Wow.  Maybe this is the guy who should be coaching the 49ers and Alex Smith.

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$1 million dollars a victory. That’s actually less than what the San Francisco Giants have paying Barry Zito.

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That fired Macy’s Santa from San Francisco, (who was  fired for telling a very mildly risque joke to an older adult couple who wanted to sit on his lap)  has become an international sensation.  Newspapers and media outlets from all over the world are picking up the story. And tonight, Santa, aka John Toomey, appeared on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

Apparently current day Macy’s executives learned NOTHING from watching “Miracle on 34th Street.”  .

(for anyone who hasn’t heard the joke, it’s retold at the bottom of this blog.)

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So DADT failed on the floor of the Senate Thursday because “only” 57 Senators wanted to bring it to a vote. Uh, maybe I’m wrong but I thought part of what our military has been fighting for is the right to have a majority-rule democracy.

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Derek Fisher made a last-second layup for the Lakers to beat the Clippers 87-86.  A buzzer-beater against the Clippers? Shouldn’t that have an asterisk?

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We’re less than a week from the end of the college football season, and a month away from the end of the bowl season. And so far Iowa’s WR Derrell Johnson Koulianos and Nebraska’s DT Baker Steinkuhler have been arrested. Disappointing on some level but good news for all those who took “over” in the police blotter pool.

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You cannot make this stuff up: I received an email on behalf of two cruise clients from Princess Cruises warning that their immigration information was not complete and they would not be able to board. Turns out they had passport, birthdates, etc, all fine, but the missing information was that they forgot to say Mr. Scott X is male, and Mrs. Sarah X is female.

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Thought from Bill Littlejohn: “The first seven minutes of the men’s college basketball game between Illinois and Oakland was reportedly mistakenly played with a womens ball.Actually, it was a men’s ball that had been mistakenly stored in the Colorado Rockies’ humidor” 
 

(Wonder how they could tell they had the women’s ball. The ref’s first clue might have been that the players were actually passing it.)

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The joke that got Santa fired at Macy’s, which he said he never told to children, was that the reason Santa is so jolly is that “he knows where all the naughty boys and girls live.”

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Brainiacs and “Not-so-brainy-acs.”

Posted December 9, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

 

Jerry Brown talked in a town hall style meeting today about solving the budget crisis and people needing to get rid of their “intellectual predilections.” “Intellectual predilections.” I think a lot of Californians (and others) would pay to hear Arnold Schwarzenegger try to say that three times real fast.

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The Baltimore Orioles’ Luke Scott says he doesn’t believe President Obama was born in the United States. But come on, what do you expect of a player dumb enough to sign with the Orioles?

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Another thought regarding the Orioles’ Luke Scott and his statement that Obama wasn’t born in the U.S. Is that because Scott thinks the President was born in Kenya, or he just doesn’t realize Hawaii is a state?

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After all that sparring in the media, Derek Jeter says he and the Yankees are now just “one big happy family.” This after New York upped their offer from $45 to $51 million for three years. So, $6 million for family happiness – sounds like about the same amount Kobe paid his jeweller.

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FIFA President Sepp Blatter says there is “no systematic corruption” at his organization, and that England is just a “sore loser” about Russia and Qatar being awarded the 2018 and 2022 World Cups. Uh, Mr. Blatter, it’s not an either/or question.

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South Carolina governor Mark Sanford now says his 2009 affair and disgrace actually made him a more effective governor. Hmm, maybe now we know why Bill Clinton was able to get so much legislation passed.

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We don’t need no stinkin’ playoffs: According to the Chronicle of Higher Education, the SEC just became the first conference to pass the $1 BILLION mark in sports revenue, due to television contracts and the earnings of some of their top football teams.

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Gary Morton points out that Iowa is indeed going to this year’s Insight Bowl.   But as noted yesterday,  the team’s top receiver, Derrell Johnson-Koulianos, known as DJK,  will not be going anywhere with the team, since he was arrested and charged with running a “drug house.

So this may be the only time that DJK and “Insight” will be used in the same sentence.

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Texas  defensive end Sam Acho beat out 16 other finalists to become this year’s recipient of the the  William V. Campbell award,  given to college football’s top scholar-athlete.

The standard for becoming a finalist?  Being able to spell “scholar-athlete.”

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To signify moving on, New York Jets Rex Ryan buried a game ball from Monday night’s blowout 45-3 loss to the Patriots. Many Jets fans who had to suffer through the game liked the buried football idea, but wished Ryan had gone further and buried some of the team with it.

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Urban Meyer resigned, again, as the University of Florida’s football coach, saying he wanted to spend more time with his family. Yeah, I guess family may not trump a BCS bowl-level team, but they are more rewarding than a Gators team that goes 7-5 and backs into the Outback Bowl.

Comments: 2 Comments

Plus ca change…

Posted December 8, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Mike Singletary has announced that Alex Smith will start in place of Troy Smith next Sunday. Okay, that’s it. The phrase “rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic” has now been officially updated for the 21st century to “re-arranging quarterbacks on the 49ers.”

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So Albert Haynesworth was suspended for four games which means he will not be on the field for the 5-7 (and fading fast) Washington Redskins for the remainder of the season. Given Albert’s bad attitude, why did the team choose to reward him?

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Sarah Palin has now turned her attention to Wikileaks founder Julian Assanger, and tweeted “Someone making things up again? Keep seeing this quote attributed to me. Huh?” I guess no one is supposed to attribute quotes to Palin except her ghostwriters.

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R.I.P. Elizabeth Edwards. Her useless husband probably did love her, at least as much as he loved anyone who was not himself.

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After being arrested and charged with six counts of drug possession, Iowa senior star wide-receiver Derrell Johnson-Koulianos has been suspended from “all team activities.”

Now, Iowa’s not going anywhere this December.  But it brings to mind another question, what’s the over-under on player arrests before the bowl season starts?

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Remember that college football gamme they played in Wrigley Field with only one endzone?

Maybe Wrigley should be the home of this year’s Meinke Car Car Bowl. Featuring the 88th ranked offense of the University of South Florida Bulls, vs. the 86th ranked offense of the Clemson Tigers. Forget one endzone, they teams wouldn’t need any.

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Hal Rogers, a Kentucky Congressman known as the “Prince of Pork” for his skill at getting money for his hometown, has been named head of the Appropriations Committee, which will allegedly lead the GOP drive to cut federal earmarks.

Isn’t this like having unwed teen mother Bristol Palin spearhead an abstinence drive?

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Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times picked up on this one… how did I miss it?

“Boulder, Colo., and Ann Arbor, Mich., came in 1-2 when Portfolio.com released its list of America’s 10 brainiest cities.

Apparently it was determined before the Buffs’ and Wolverines’ last football-coaching hires.”

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An actual serious thought:

‎30 years ago a part-time security guard with a history of mental illness was nonetheless able to get both a gun and hollow-point bullets. And he shot John Lennon. Yet there are still millions of Americans who don’t see the need for gun control laws. Imagine.

Comments: 9 Comments

When bad things happen to good quarterbacks…

Posted December 7, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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Peyton Manning is saying that the Indianapolis Colts’ inexplicably bad season is his fault. Unreal, Peyton’s not blaming the media? Or the President? Surely some of this is Obama’s fault….

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Mark Sanchez had one of those nights where he had to wish he was still back at USC.  Especially this year, as since the Trojans are on probation.  And he wouldn’t have had to play in December.

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R.I.P Don Meredith, as my friend Alex Kaseberg said “with him around you could actually tolerate Howard Cosell.”

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Not only would “Dandy Don” Meredith have been singing “Turn out the lights, the party’s over” during Monday Night Football’s Jets-Pats game, he would have been singing it at halftime.

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Newt Gingrich has indicated he is interested in running for President in 2012. 

So let me see if I have this straight.  Newt’s had three marriages, (and each time being involved with the next wife while married to the current wife), plus he was reprimanded while Speaker by Congress for ethics violations. 

Sure, I can see why he’d be the darling of the family values conservatives who want to restore faith in the Presidency…,

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Another reason to want a college football playoff: Oregon and Auburn now have to wait FIVE weeks for their BCS Championship Game. Five weeks??! Some of the players will get so bored they may actually go to class.

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And the national championship will pit Auburn, with its controversy regarding Cam Newton, vs Oregon, with its leading running back, LaMichael James, on probation for a domestic violence incident. Makes a certain amount of sense that the stadium is sponsored by that hallowed institution, the University of Phoenix.

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Jayson Werth – a seven year $126 million dollar contract for the Nationals? With that kind of overspending, are we sure Congress wasn’t involved?

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The University of Connecticut must sell 17,500 tickets to the Fiest Bowl, or have to pay for the tickets themselves.    This is a variation on a thought from yesterday, but maybe they should double the price of men’s and women’s basketball tickets, and include a bowl game ticket for free?

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Latest in the “It’s all relative department”: Tiger Woods lost a four shot lead, and then lost the Chevron World Challenge to Graeme McDowell in a playoff today. But Tiger still probably had a better first weekend in December than he did last year.

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Reader Augie sent this great “quote” in,  a supposed retort from Bristol Palin to Margaret Cho: “If you understood that commonsense conservative values supports the right of individuals like you, like all of us, to live our lives with less government interference and more independence, you would embrace us faster than KD Lang at an Indigo Girls concert.” 

Okay, a show of hands please from everyone who thinks Bristol wrote that.

Okay, how about a show of hands from everyone who thinks Bristol, age 20, even knows who KD Lang is.

Comments: 3 Comments

Bowls and bowled over.

Posted December 6, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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 Well, today’s game against the Buffalo Bills is likely to result in Brett Favre’s fewest interceptions of the season, since he was knocked out of the game after his first pass. (Which was, curiously enough, intercepted.)

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Many in the media are questioning whether the Vikings stuck with Brad Childress too long, with interim coach Leslie Frazier now 2-0. Although with today’s 38-14 win over the Bills after Brett Favre was knocked out early, maybe Childress isn’t the only one Minnesota has stuck with too long.

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Giants 31, Redskins 7. Well, as long as Dan Snyder is around, Barack Obama never has to worry about being the most unpopular man in Washington.

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Owner Jed York predicted the 49ers would make the playoffs this year.  Playoffs?  San Francisco isn’t even likely to end up with a record that would make them NCAA bowl eligible.

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NFL union has told players to prepare for a lockout. If so, Stanford fans are more than happy to prepare for seeing Andrew Luck return for another year.

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Four interceptions today for Peyton Manning? Guess he really does think he’s the next Brett Favre.

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Anyone left to doubt the value of television viewers over fans and ticket sales as far as Bowl Games?  Distance between Bradley International Airport (Hartford, Connecticut) and Miami 1194 miles. Distance between Bradley and Phoenix, 2213 miles.

Distance between San Francisco Airport and Phoenix 651 miles, Distance between SFO and Miami, 2585. 

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The Big East and U Conn had lobbied the Orange Bowl heavily to pick their team, to no available. Maybe the Huskies should have offered to have their women’s and men’s basketball teams play at halftime.

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Another reason, besides geography, that Stanford should have been in in the Fiesta Bowl. Would have made sense that the bowl sponsored by Tostitos should have a team from the state that almost legalized marijuana.

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On the other hand,  I can see the Orange Bowl’s point.  Temple, 8-4, was denied any bowl bid whatsover, due to their weak schedule.  And one of those eight teams they beat?  Big East champion Connecticut.

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Delaware Republican Christine O’Donnell set a state record by spending more than $6.1 million in her losing Senate campaign against Democrat Chris Coons.

And Meg Whitman said “Damn, I tried to buy the wrong state.”

Comments: 2 Comments

Amateur sports?

Posted December 5, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Cam Newton led Auburn into the BCS national championship with an emphatic 56-17 drubbing of South Carolina. I will say one thing, the Tigers are certainly getting more value for what they’re paying their quarterback than the San Francisco 49ers.

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This could be the year for two BCS winners. Auburn if they beat Oregon. And then the Ducks when the NCAA finally gets around to disqualifying the Tigers after the game.

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And tomorrow the BCS picks will be announced. But instead of going by rankings, the postseason bowls will pick largely on economic factors – how many tickets a team will sell, and how much of a television audience they may attract.

In related news, the New York Yankees have asked Bud Selig to consider a BCS type system.

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On a lighter note, the University of Cincinnati Bearcats mascot was ejected from the game between the Bearcats and Pittsburgh, for throwing snowballs at fans in the stands. On a brighter note, since he hit his targets, he was immediately then offered a tryout with the Bengals.

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Jeb Bush called Sarah Palin “fantastic.” Based on this definition from Merriam-Webster I’d have to agree with him: 1a: based on fantasy : not real b : conceived or seemingly conceived by unrestrained fancy c : so extreme as to challenge belief.

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The San Jose State Spartans finished off a woeful football season by losing 26 to 23 to Idaho State in overtime. About the only silver ling for San Jose fans.  None of that Sharks postseason letdown.

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San Francisco Giants (and Brian Wilson fans) rejoice:  “The Machine” is back. Pat Burrell resigned with the SF Giants for $1 million without an agent, saying he had made plenty of money and wanted to remain a part of “something special” with his hometown team. Upon hearing the news Derek Jeter just giggled.

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The University of Kentucky has resubmitted their basketball eligibility case for Enes Kanter, who was ruled ineligible for receiving excessive benefits while playing for a club team in Turkey. The school is arguing that like Cam Newton, Kanter was unaware there was an amateurism violation. Translation: if you pretend to believe Auburn’s B.S., why not ours?

Comments: 2 Comments

Skid marks.

Posted December 4, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized

The recently reeling Los Angeles Lakers discovered the cure for a four game skid: It’s called “Play the Sacramento Kings.”

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Apparently Lebron James soured his friendship with former Cavaliers teammate Dennis Gibson with his trash talking during the game Thursday night. Amazing. There was someone left in Cleveland that Lebron hadn’t alienated already?

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Amongst the many points of contention between the NFL owners and players is the potential overall economic impact of a lockout. Yet another sad chapter in the ongoing war between millionaires vs. billionaires.

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Officials from the New York Thruway said they could have done better job dealing with snow after hundreds of motorists were stranded on the road for several hours near Buffalo.   A better job?  Ya think?

Who are these guys, moonlighters from the Bills coaching staff?.

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No one was hurt at Minneapolis-St. Paul Aiport when a Delta Airlines jet slipped off the runway at  during a snow storm.  

Next up for Delta, a snow tire surcharge.

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The Disney-created town of Celebration, Florida had its second violent death in less than a week when a man turned his gun on himself after a police standoff. Although no statistics are available on the number of suicides from people faced with the idea of riding “It’s a Small World” one more time.

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A New York source tells the media that the last obstacle to Derek Jeter and the Yankees finalizing a contract is Jeter’s refusal to accept the fact he is 36 years old and not 26. When he figures it out, maybe he can tell Brett Favre?

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More on that 2022 World Cup:  How did FIFA pick Qatar, with its 118 degree temperatures for the World Cup? Curiously, 118 degrees is also allegedly the temperature at which vuvuzelas melt.

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While some in the U.S. cried foul at the World Cup selection process, rumor has it that FIFA just laughed and said they weren’t even in the same league as the BCS.

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George W. Bush’s “Decision Points” is outselling Sarah Palin’s “America by Heart.”  Makes sense – while they have overlapping fans W’s came out first, which means by the time Palin’s memoir came out, folks had already bought their book for the year.

Comments: 1 Comment

Random randomness.

Posted December 3, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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Jamie Moyer, 48, just had Tommy John surgery but will attempt a comeback in 2012. Even Brett Favre is saying “Dude, give it up already.”

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Qatar won the World Cup bid for 2022.

That’s Q-A-T-A-R.     No U (or S).  

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The U.S. spent millions of dollars on its unsuccessful 2022 bid.  Apparently FIFA was undeterred by the money, and the promise of hundreds of fans at each game.

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On the other hand,  the average temperature during the day in Qatar during the time of year that the World Cup is played – 118 degrees..

At least this time when players flop, they’ll be doing it for a reason.

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118 degrees for an outdoor sporting event?  This could be even worse damage done to a sport by the heat since Lebron left for South Beach.

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NCAA President Mark Emmert said he was aware of the outrage regarding their Cam Newton decision, and vowed to fix the loophole. Right, either after South Carolina upsets Auburn Saturday, or after the BCS Championship game. Wonder how these kids get the idea it’s all about money….

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Of course, any final decision on Cam Newton’s eligibility will come only after discussion with the SEC – or as Augie says – “the Southern Ethics Committee.

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John McCain has been criticizing President Obama as “inexperienced.”  But by McCain standards, Jamie Moyer and Brett Favre are inexperienced.

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NASA has discovered a new form of life that can thrive on arsenice.  I can see it now, “Honestly, your honor, I wasn’t trying to kill my husband, I thought he was an alien.”

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Bristol Palin lashed out at Keith Olberman for calling her a hypocrite, saying that’s an “old canard.” Shocking. Who taught her the word “canard?”

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Snow could shut down the city of Buffalo for the remainder of the week. And even worse news for sports fans, since the Bills are playing in Minnesota, it won’t even at least cancel their game.

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Christine O’Donnell has just tweeted that she has signed a book contract. No publication date as yet but that will be announced as soon she finds someone to write it for her.

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from Bill Littlejohn:

The Washington Redskins have announced that they will grant full refunds for all tickets in the event of a work stoppage. They will pay out retroactively starting with the Monday night game against Philadelphia”

Comments: 2 Comments

Law and Order – BCS and NFL

Posted December 2, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Auburn and the  NCAA said Cam Newton’s father broke rules.   But while the University declared their quarterback ineligible, the NCAA then immediately reinstated him for the SEC title game this weekend.  How does this make sense?  Because it’s the SEC, of course.

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Anyone want to lay odds on what would have happened if it were say, the TCU quarterback who was in the same situation as Newton?

We actually already know, he’d be cheerleading this weekend.

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Reggie Bush is thinking “Damn, if I just let Dad handle the negotiations.

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There’s a new response for high school and college sports stars who want to keep their eligibility.  “Don’t talk to me, my parents handle all the money issues.”

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Meanwhile, in the NFL, Roger Goddell decided not to suspend Texans star wide receiver Andre Johnson, despite the fact that Johnson was involved in an actual fist fight on the field last Sunday.  Coincidentally the Texans just happen to be on Thursday night football.

Goddell’s talked about a strict discipline policy that will teach players a lesson.  I guess the lesson here is,  just don’t get in any fights before weeks your team is playing a game that will be blacked out.

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And meanwhile,  Derek Anderson, who became a YouTube sensation for his outburst in a post-game press conference Monday night, gave what appeared to be a heartfelt apology Wednesday.

“There is a more professional way I could have handled that. I wasn’t raised that way. My mom and dad didn’t raise me to act like that in times of adversity.”

Translation….  Well, wouldn’t you have liked to listen in on the call Derek probably got from his mom Tuesday morning?

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S.F. Giants fans think they know “torture.”  But 49ers fans get to live with the knowledge that their team bypassed Aaron Rodgers in the 2005 draft in order to take Alex Smith.

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The NCAA’s rationale for reinstating Cam Newton is that there isn’t enough evidence that he knew he was being “shopped.” Yet ESPN reported two recruiters said he told them his dad chose Auburn because “the money was too much.” Even the O.J. jurors are saying “This guy got away with murder.”

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Men are especially glad Cyber Monday is over.  Wonder how many tried to alternate shopping with looking at porn and accidentally ordered their wives inflatable dolls for Christmas?

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An ESPN executive, Norby Williamson, said he does not think Jon Gruden will take the head coaching job at the University of Miami – “He is in year 2 of a long-term contract, and we expect Jon to be on ‘Monday Night Football’ doing what he’s been doing for a long time to come.”  Translation, or at least until he gets a better offer.

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If openly gay men and women in the military is such a problem, why aren’t the same people fighting the repeal of DADT talking about the issue of gays in TSA, or going through security lines? Wouldn’t same-sex gay patdowns be just as much of a potential danger/distraction

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The Los Angeles Lakers lost their fourth game in a row Wednesday night. Who do they think they are? The Miami Heat?

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Great riddle from Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times:

Q: What do you get when you cross NASCAR with the Miami Heat?

A: The Daytona Barely .500

Comments: 2 Comments

Don’t ask….

Posted December 1, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

 According to a Pentagon report, most U.S. troops don’t mind the idea of gays and lesbians serving in the military. The strongest pockets of resistance, however, come from the Marines. I guess they’re looking for “a few good men,” but not any fabulous ones.

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Actually, since the Marines are the branch of the U.S. Military that seem happiest with the current “stay in the closet” strategy,  maybe Tom Cruise was right in that movie when he told Jack Nicholson, “You can’t can’t handle the truth.”

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Meanwhile, in the NBA, the Lakers have lost three games in a row.  But hey, it’s the November and the beginning of the season – which means the team’s response to this “slump”  – “Don’t ask, don’t care.”

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Quarterback Derek Anderson of the Arizona Cardinals went on a profanity-laced tirarde during a post-game news conference last night. He was almost as upset as many of the fans who were looking forward all week to the MNF game, and then discovered it was 49ers-Cardinals.

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Some NFL teams are starting to send out season ticket renewal notices, but the league has announced that in case of a lockout, unplayed game tickets will be fully refunded. After Monday night’s game, fans in Arizona are now praying for a lockout.

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Sports Illustrated has selected Drew Brees as their Sportsman of the Year, for his performance on and off the field in New Orleans. Would be interesting to see who would be their “Bad Sportsman of the Year.” (I know who they’d pick in Cleveland..) But any suggestions?  Please feel free to add in comments.

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So the Giants signed Miguel Tejada to a one-year $6.5 million deal. Tejada batted .269 with 15 home runs, 26 doubles and 71 RBIs betwees two clubs in 2010. Guess S.F. decided he was a better value than a shortstop who batted .270 with 10 home runs, 30 doubles, and 67 RBIs in 2010 – Derek Jeter.

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An Alabama P.A announcer was fired for playing “Take the Money and Run” when Cam Newton and the Auburn Tigers played the Crimson Tide last weekend.

On the brighter side, the announcer has been offered a job in Cleveland when Lebron James and the Heat play the Cavs on Thursday.

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Actually, while it’s not great sportsmanship, there’s a lot of potential for songs when certain teams or stars show come to town.  For example, how about these suggestions for any game that Brett Favre is the visiting quarterback – “Yesterday.”, or Julian Lennon’s “Just Too Late for Goodbyes.”

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And for that matter, what about the new potential TSA theme song – “The Way That I Want to Touch You.”

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So TCU (situated in Fort Worth,)  will now be in the Big East.  This means that along with schools such as Rutgers and Connecticut, the conference will cover Texas, Kentucky (Louisville) and Florida (University of South Florida.). 

What’s next, a school from Eastern Washington or California?

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Comments: 2 Comments

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