They’re over.

Posted January 11, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Yes, the  BCS bowl games are done for 2010-2011.    But the BCS committee would tell you there’s a reason they need so many games over such a long period.  And might consider more.   I mean, out of 120 FBS (Division 1) teams, as it is now a full 50 of them actually have to stay home instead of going to the postseason.

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Sloppy sloppy national title game. Of course maybe this has something to with the fact that it seems like there was more time between the end of the regular season and the BCS game, than there is between the end of the World Series and when pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training.

Andrew Luck decided to forego the NFL draft so he could return to college and get his degree. Cam Newton still has eligibility left (after attending three schools) and was asked if he would consider the same thing. Replied Newton – “What’s a degree?

Well, after the trouble the Ohio State players got into for selling stuff, there’s no chance that Cam Newton will try to sell any memorabilia from the BCS championship. He’ll have his dad put it on Ebay.

LaMichael James is on criminal probation, Cam Newton says he had no idea his father was “shopping” him. Maybe we should call this the “Crooks and Liars” bowl.

One reason Jim Harbaugh may have chosen the 49ers over the Wolverines might be his well-publicized feelings on Michigan’s low academic standards for athletes. Well, that won’t be a problem if Michigan tries to hire Les Miles from LSU.

TMI department: Between John Boehner’s tears and Rex Ryan’s foot fetish (and everything being personal), it’s enough to make you long for the days when men were emotionally repressed in public.

There’s a new iPad app to follow Cam Newton’s season with Auburn.   But you can’t buy it for yourself.  Your dad has to do the shopping.

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From Alex Kaseberg:  The top New Year resolutions are to cut out junk food, gambling, drinking and smoking. So if you’re hung-over in the Las Vegas airport eating a Cinnabon in the smoking area, you’ve already blown it.

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Rush Limbaugh says the media is “unnecessarily stirring up the country” with the “insane” premise that hateful rhetoric from people like himself and Sarah Palin may have contributed to the shootings in Tucson. Interesting comments from the same man who speculated that the Gulf Oil explosion and spill was the work of “environmentalist wackos”, and blamed Al Gore for inciting them.

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And finally a little rant about the media’s coverage of Chistina Taylor Green, the 9 year old girl who was shot and killed at the Giffords rally.  There have been stories how tragic it was because she was born on Sept 11, because she was the granddaughter of formerPhillies manager Dallas Green, because she was the daughter of a Dodgers’ employee.

Excuse me, she was an innocent 9 year old little girl, her killing was tragic, PERIOD.

Comments: 2 Comments

Even if we weren’t quite ready for some football…

Posted January 11, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

In some ways sports seems trivial after the awful shootings in Arizona Saturday.

On the other hand, if we stop laughing, the bad guys win.   So, ever onward.

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Apparently tickets to the BCS championship are selling for $2000 and up. Curiously enough, for $2000 a fan could probably purchase a ticket to every single one of the other 34 bowl games, and have money left over.

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Glendale police say eight people have been arrested for selling fake tickets to Monday’s BCS Championship game between Auburn and Oregon. Apparently all eight have protested “but we got the tickets from our fathers.”

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The NCAA says a major reason not to have a college playoff system is that it would keep those players away from their studies for an extra few weeks. Right, as opposed to now where I am SURE players from Auburn and Oregon have been focused on school for the last month.

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Open note to football fans in Washington D.C. hoping to root for a decent team: Take a page from the airports, and start referring to them as the BWI Ravens.

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The Jets had a nearly 10 minute touchdown drive in their playoff game against the Colts.    Just how long was the drive?   By the time it was over,  Brett Favre had unretired and retired three times.

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Kansas City fans were hoping that they would have a few more weekends of watching their Chiefs play football this year.

Today quoth the Ravens,  “nevermore.”

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Will a documentary on the life of new Hall of Famer Roberto Alomar be titled “True Spit?”

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Nick Coombs sent in this: TLC announced they will not renew “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” for a second season. It’s for the best though, she probably would have resigned midway through the season anyways.

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But really, TLC is the network that ran five season of Jon and Kate plus 8.  So how bad do you have to be to be cancelled after one year…?

Comments: 1 Comment

No more target practice:

Posted January 9, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ,

 

The jokes will be back in the next post.  For now…some random thoughts about Saturday’s horror.

Sarah Palin’s  target site has been taken down….. will the rhetoric be next?   One can only hope.

For the first truly bi-partisan resolution of the new Congress, may I suggest a commitment to civil discourse, and a request for partisans on both sides to turn down the hate speech?

And yes, anyone who reads this blog regularly or at all probably has figured out I am on the left side of the middle.  But this is not just a left-right issue.

I am a huge fan of free speech.  And listening to incendiary talk, whether it’s on radio, television, on the internet, or in person, doesn’t incite most people to violence.    But “most”  just  isn’t good enough, or safe enough.  Because it doesn’t take many crazies to do a whole lot of damage.

And while free speech is not quite like video games and movies that can be regulated, maybe it’s time for a little self-censorship.  Or restraint.  Or simply deciding that it’s okay to agree to disagree and still act like grownups.   (Another example, saying a certain NFL quarterback should be executed really isn’t helping animal rights.)

You’d think the NRA would be one of the groups most out in front on rejecting hate speech.  After all, it’s their “product” that seems to be the favorite tool of the crazies.    And anyone who decides to promote their cause with a gun, whether that cause is anti-government, anti-choice, OR for that matter,  anti-financial institution or anti-animal research,  isn’t helping that cause.

An interesting sidelight to a very sad story. While she is pro-choice, pro-solar energy, and voted for Obama’s healthcare reform, Congresswoman Giffords herself is a gunowner and a strong supporter of the second amendment.

Finally, this statement by Senator John McCain reminds me of why I used to really admire the man, even when I disagreed with his politics: “Whoever did this; whatever their reason, they are a disgrace to Arizona, this country and the human race, and they deserve and will receive the contempt of all decent people and the strongest punishment of the law.”

Comments: 2 Comments

Friday groaners…

Posted January 8, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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 Times are tough all over. The city of Amsterdam has decided that licensed prostitutes must start paying taxes based on the number of clients they have each day. I guess they’re calling it a pole tax? 

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John Boehner, the most orange man in America, has said in an interview that he has “never been in a tanning bed or used a tanning product.”  Could it be he just doesn’t want to admit he is stupid enough to spend that much time in the sun?  Who knows?  This appears to be one of those “Don’t Bask, Don’t Tell” situations.

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Texas A & M was routed 41 to 24 today by LSU in the Cotton Bowl, in a game that wasn’t that close.   Is it a rule that teams from Texas have to suck in Cowboys Stadium?

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A  friend of John Edwards’ says the former Senator is NOT engaged to marry Rielle Hunter. And that he has no plans to remarry. Especially since in this country John wouldn’t be allowed to marry his true love – himself.

(slightly R rated comment from Alex Kaseberg –  “Edwards should marry himself, its not like he hasn’t been told to go eff himself.”)

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 While Auburn had been ranked 4th in the country for football players’ academic achievement, the NCAA now announced that due to the discovery of some “loopholes” by the NY Times, the Tigers are actually 85th out of 120 major college teams. Guess Auburn shouldn’t have put the teams’ math majors in charge of reporting statistics.

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Basketball star Enes Kanter, 18, was declared permanently ineligible to play in college by the NCAA, for receiving over $30,000 in benefits while playing for a Turkish team. No doubt this will be a lesson to other talented young men who choose to play abroad – “Just pay my dad, okay?”

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The NFL is debuting a new overtime rule for the postseason. (Basically, you can’t win on the first possession of OT by kicking a field goal, the other team must then have possession at least once.) Fortunately the Redskins and Donovan McNabb are nowhere near the playoffs.

Comments: 1 Comment

Harbaugh bidding wars – “The Decision, The Sequel?”

Posted January 7, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Actually,however this turns out, the drama with Jim Harbaugh is considerably more interesting than “the Decision.”

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But okay, here’s my solution for short-term gain for Stanford fans and potential long-term gain for San Francisco fans. Have Harbaugh ask for a deferral of the coaching job offer for one year. Then let Jed York coach his own team. Result – a great year for the Cardinal and a sure #1 pick for the 49ers in 2012 to choose Luck.

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Meanwhile, this year, guess Andrew Luck decided another year of college WAS something that could be fina’ than to be in Carolina….-

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 The Miami Dolphins, presumably impressed by Stanford’s Orange Bowl performance,  reportedly offered coach Jim Harbaugh $7 million a year. Unfortunately most teams in the AFC South aren’t quite as easy to beat as Virginia Tech. Teams in the NFC West, maybe.

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 SF 49ers owner Jed York said he was going to do a “global” search for an experienced GM, and ended up almost immediately going down the hall for V.P. of Player Personnel Trent Baalke. But give the guy a break, he worked at least as hard on the search as O.J. did on his for the real killer.

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Figure skater Johnny Weir has announced in his autobiography that he is gay. Not to dismiss his courageous decision, but wouldn’t it be bigger news if a male figure skater announced he WASN’T gay?

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Dulles Airport was basically closed today for two hours while airport police investigated a suspicious package that turned out to be harmless. So where are all those high-tech X-Ray machines when they really need them?

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Edgar Renteria has signed with the Cincinnati Reds. Based on their 2010 postseason performance it seems clear that Edgar decided he was just tired of all that World Series pressure.

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Despite his previous opposition to DADT repeal, John McCain now says he will act “to make it work.” This could be a sign of his fundamental practicality, or that as a good military man he believes in following laws, even when he disagrees with them. Or that at his age, John just doesn’t remember voting against it.

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After winning the World Junior Championships, The Russian junior players were booted off their flight home as it was deemed they were too intoxicated and were declared a safety threat.  In their defense, the players said they were in training to become pilots.

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Augie comments about the story that John Edwards and Rielle Hunter may be engaged:   Surprised he’s not registered at Crate and Barrel.  Since most women would want to put him in one or the other.

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The British Airport Authority has called in experts to help them avoid another disaster like they had last December, where at most 5 inches of snow shut down Heathrow for days. This in fact was the biggest mess caused by just a few inches since Brett Favre texted those pictures to Jenn Sterger.

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Michele Bachmann has been appointed to serve on the House Intelligence Committee. What’s next, Sarah Palin on the board of PETA?

Not that Brett Favre doesn’t appear to be a grade-A scumbag where women are concerned. But I do have one question for Jenn Sterger. If he was being THAT offensive, why didn’t you just call the phone company and have them block calls from his number?               
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Regarding those Southwest commercials attacking other airlines for their change fees:, I agree that it’s nice that the airline doesn’t charge change fees per se. But what they don’t mention, if you are on a discount ticket and want to standby on an earlier flight, you have to pay the difference between your fare and the full fare, even if the earlier flight has empty seats.

Comments: 2 Comments

Who’s crying now?

Posted January 6, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Wednesday,  January 5 was a historic day. Following the first female Speaker of the House, we now have a Speaker who is part Oompha Loompha.

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And now that John Boehner is Speaker, will Congress’s theme song be “Who’s crying now?”

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There are rumors that John Edwards is now engaged to marry the mother of his illegitimate daughter, Rielle Hunter. The couple is registered at “Bed, Bath and Beyond all Common Decency.”

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The outdoor NHL Winter Classic between the Pittsburgh Penguins and the Washington Capitals achieved the NHL’s highest regular season television ratings, despite the game being delayed due to unseasonably warm temperatures.. Maybe if the NHL wants to guarantee winter weather for outdoor games they should play the game in July at Candlestick Park.

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Actually, if outdoor games bring higher ratings, maybe the NHL should just take the roofs off of all their arenas.

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Michigan fired their coach, Michigan State was absolutely humiliated in the Capital One by Alabama. Who’d a thunk it, the most optimistic football fans in Michigan these days root for the Detroit Lions?

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The new GOP Congress has been just sworn and and already they are saying that their “$100 billion in cuts” pledge wasn’t really a promise but a “hypothetical number.” So congratulations to everyone who had “less than 24 hours” in the pool.

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Dick Cheney, 69, is apparently deciding about seeking a heart transplant as when he turns 70 he will be too old to qualify. Where’s a good death panel when you need one?

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A United Airlines flight from Denver to Frankfurt was diverted to Toronto last week after a pilot spilled a cup of coffee on the communications equipment in the cockpit, which somehow triggered the emergency codes for a hijacking.   

Wonder how long it will take TSA to ban passengers bringing Starbucks on board as a potentially dangerous item.

Comments: 1 Comment

Almost bowled over….

Posted January 5, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

With apologies to Chicago – Does anybody really know what bowl this is…. does anybody really care?

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And there have been some good games. But for fans without a connection to the schools involved, many of these bowls have all the drama and interest of division rivalries between the NFC West.

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Terrelle Pryor was named the MVP of the 2011 Sugar Bowl. Think officials figured out how to put a tracking device on that trophy?

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Actually, there are rumors that Pryor and his to-be-suspended OSU teammates may star in an off-season reality show  – Bowling for Dollars.

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The story switches hourly but now it seems like Jim Harbaugh is heading to the 49ers. Which means he might be the first college coach to switch to the pros and take a step down with his quarterback.

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On the other hand Harbaugh isn’t that much older than Brett Favre?  Maybe the 49ers want him to be a player coach.

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Earlier today there was the rumor of Harbaugh to the Raiders? With all due respect, entering into a business relationship with the 81 year old Al Davis at this point seems about as likely for long-time success as marrying Hugh Hefner.

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Tough luck for Tom Cable. His greatest problem as a coach this year? Not being in the NFC West.

Meanwhile, back in Ann Arbor, the word out of Michigan is that Rich Rodriguez is fired, no he’s not fired, maybe he is fired, maybe he’s not. Not sure who’ll be coaching the team next year but wonder how long it will take for them to offer a job to new quarterbacks coach Brett Favre.

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And okay, I admit, I hate Notre Dame. But listening to all these puns and headlines with Stanford’s quarterback we should all be glad he didn’t go to South Bend. How many times could we have stood the phrase “Luck of the Irish?”

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Panthers owner Jerry Richardson says negotiations between the NFL and the unions are not going well. But they could still settle in time to play the 2011 season, so Carolina fans shouldn’t get too optimistic.

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Snooki has written a book.  Putting her in that exclusive fraternity with folks like George W. Bush and Sarah Palin, who wrote a book before they read one.. 

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From Bill Littlejohn:  There is now a video game in which you can play a round of golf at Augusta National Golf Club.If you log in that you’re a woman, the game includes angry stares and catcalls from club members”

Comments: 2 Comments

Orange you glad….?

Posted January 4, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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If you bet Stanford in the Orange Bowl.  Fuzzy picture of trophy ceremony below.

Virginia Tech fans generally left after the third quarter. Guess they no longer had a dog in the fight.

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The score was 13-12 at halftime.   I want a copy of whatever speech Harbaugh gave Stanford at halftime.

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Maroon and orange? Did Virginia Tech forgot to show up for college color picking day and end up with the leftovers?

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An anonymous friend asks – “what is a Hokie?”  It might be the card you use to open the door of the motel room you rent by the hour?

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After the game, QB Andrew Luck and coach Jim Harbaugh lobbed Oranges at the other players during the trophy presentation.  Good thing Stanford wasn’t in the Little Caesars Pizza Bowl or the Hyundai Sun Bowl.

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ESPN.com headline:  Lakers have issues to address. With all due respect, that’s been true for a while. But now they have issues to address on the court.

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Inspired by a  joke from Patrick Wyatt:

The difference between the Big Ten and cornflakes? Cornflakes don’t fall apart as soon as they get in a bowl.

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If Harbaugh wants the NFL then he should try the 49ers job. If he wants to stay in college, what’s the point of moving? He’s proven he can recruit a top 10 class where he is. And besides, at Stanford when they give the concussion test – “How many fingers am I holding up?” – the response isn’t “Ah, coach, I’m not great at math.”

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Two massage therapists are now also claiming they were harrassed by Brett Favre.  Will it never end?  Let’s hope neither of them refers to him as a “crazed sex poodle.”

Comments: 1 Comment

How can we miss you if you won’t go away?

Posted January 3, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

 Wonder now that it looks like Brett Favre might actually finally be retiring if anyone will make a movie about his NFL career. They would need to choose a title though, as “The Long Goodbye” is already taken.

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So the Seattle Seahawks make the playoffs with a 7-9 record. But maybe we shouldn’t be surprised, at USC Pete Carroll had a long history of making it to the post-season with relatively mediocre paid talent.

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The NFL actually was hoping the St. Louis Rams would win today and save the league the embarassment of having such a lousy team in the postseason.  If this sort of thing keeps up people will start comparing them to the BCS.

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Even scarier to 49ers fans…. as lousy as the team looked, they were only one win away from the playoffs. 

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Regarding Ohio State’s president complaining about other schools playing “the little sisters of the poor.”. Did it occur to him the Big Ten might BE the “little sisters of the poor.?”

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Or as Gary Morton sent in, maybe they can call the new divisions, “Little Sisters” and “Poor.”

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Actually, this just in “the little sisters of the poor” are favored in their Big Ten opener next year.

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 Joe Paterno, 84, says he intends to keep recruiting at Penn State, which means he will be talking to high school students who will be seniors when he turns 90. Joe has, however, adapted with the times. While he’s not big on the internet he no longer sends out scholarships by Pony Express.

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Oklahoma’s 48-20 victory over Connecticut  in the Fiesta on Saturday drew only a 6.7 percent ranking (of all homes with televisions tuned into the game.)  This was lower even than some regular college games.   Since it was January 1, wonder how many of those televisions were from viewers who fell asleep in their living rooms after a late night and then the Rose Bowl?

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A week after a blizzard struck New York City, the snow is melting and the trash piles are growing. New Yorkers say they haven’t seen so much useless garbage in one place since last year’s Mets opening day.

Comments: 2 Comments

Big Ten and out?

Posted January 2, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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 Lebron James says he doesn’t know yet if he will participate in the NBA’s All Star Game slam dunk contest. I guess he’s waiting for ESPN to offer him at least a half hour time-slot to announce his decision.

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The only good news for the Big 10 on New Year’s Day? None of their teams qualified for the Fiesta Bowl.

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Forget “Leaders” and “Legends” for the two new Big 10 divisions.  After today more appropriate names might be “Bad” and “Worse.”

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Fortunately for Big Ten fans there are no more bowl games this year except for Arkansas-OSU on Tuesday. In the meantime, however, true connoisseurs of really bad meaningful football games can tune into the Rams-Seahawks on Sunday.

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But really, is there something in the Big Ten football charter that says there’s something wrong with actually showing up on New Year’s Day? (My friend Jerry Perisho is beginning to wonder if these teams are playing their junior varsity?)

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That music you hear coming from the sky today at the Gator Bowl in Jacksonville is Don Meredith singing to Rich Rodriguez, “turn out the lights, the party’s over.”

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Although in the Rose Bowl, TCU was completely unable to stop the Wisconsin running game in the past few minutes. So the Badgers were able to march down the field and score a touchdown to pull within 21-19.  And for the two-point conversion, the Badgers THREW THE BALL?  (incomplete)

Somewhere Woody Hayes is pinwheeling in his grave.

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Since Times Square officials nixed her planned ball drop, Snooki from “Jersey Shore” celebrated New Year’s Eve by being dropped in a ball in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. Apparently this was made possible by Snooki’s local fame, the cooperation of local officials, and the fact New Jersey has no real littering laws.

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Newly hired head coach Mike Haywood has been fired from the University of Pittsburgh job, after he was arrested and charged with domestic violence.

Guess his tenure will go down in history along with the George O’Leary era at Notre Dame.

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According to Entertainment Weekly, 20th Century Fox has vetoed a proposed script for the planned “24” movie. But Kiefer Sutherland is still hoping to work things out with prospective producers. The meeting would take place between 1:00 and 2:00pm.

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Apparently Jon Huntsman, Obama’s ambassador to China and the former Governor of Utah, is considering a run for president in 2012. Since Mitt Rommey has already basically declared, political junkies can look forward to a rare but potentially amusing occurence – Mormon smackdown.

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New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is all about cost-cutting and reducing government spending. So what happens when his state gets covered in snow? When he gets back from a family trip to Disney World Christie asks for money from FEMA to help cover storm cleanup costs.

Comments: 4 Comments

Goodbye 2010….

Posted January 1, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized

Happy 2011. We can only imagine, what public figures will contribute to our amusement in the next twelve months? Seriously, on New Year’s Eve 2009-10, could anyone have imagined just how much fun we would have with Tiger Woods, Brett Favre and Lebron James? And no one had even HEARD of Christine O’Donnell.

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Earlier this week, Michigan QB Tate Forcier gave an interview to the Detroit Free Press, saying “I’ve never been the greatest student.” But, he added “you really have to try to flunk out here. All you have to do is go to class, it’s not that hard.” This morning Forcier was declared academically ineligible.

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Tennessee lost to North Carolina, Georgia lost to the University of Central Florida, and South Carolina is losing 13-3 at halftime to Florida State after four turnovers. Maybe we should rename the SEC the SOC – Southern Overrated Conference?

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Or possibly the “Swollen Egos Conference?”

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Part of the pre-game tradition at the Chik-Fil-A bowl is parachuting cows. Is this a great country or what?

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Georgia’s bulldog mascot UGA VIII missed the trip to the Liberty Bowl with a “gastro-intestinal” decision. Or maybe he was just sick at the thought of watching the now 6-7 Bulldogs play ANOTHER lousy game. (They lost to UCF 10-6)

And congrats again to the Stanford women for ending UConn’s 90 game basketball winning streak. Wonder if President Obama called coach Tara Vanderveer to congratulate her.  And wonder if Tara asked if Obama’s lovely, smart, and at least 5’9″ 12 year old daughter might be interested in a casual visit to Palo Alto?

The above is Malia in November standing next to her 6’2″” dad.

And this thought, not originally mine but I don’t remember where I heard it. The ultimate New Year’s Eve toast….may your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.

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Finally a thought for the “Hope Springs Eternal” crowd.  So, the Saints were a great story, but a year ago at this time they did have one of the best records in the NFL.   How many people on New Year’s Eve 2010 said, “okay, this is it, this is the year the San Francisco Giants win it all?

Comments: 1 Comment

The streak is dead, long live the streak.

Posted December 31, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Stanford women’s basketball winning streak – three.   UConn – zero.

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Stanford 71 – UConn 59. Washington 19 – Nebraska 7. Looks like a lot of people Thursday night bet on the wrong Huskies. 

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But kudos to both teams on this one….  Watching Stanford-UConn women’s basketball game. Two of the best basketball programs in the country….and no starter on either team has been arrested or suspended for academic reasons. What a concept

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Ohio State coach Jim Tressel said he would have have taken his five suspended players to the Sugar Bowl if they had not pledged to return in 2011. And why should the coach doubt their word? If any of the players, including QB Terrelle Pryor, decide to declare for the draft, Tressel can always suspend them.

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Ohio State tops the nation in spending on their collegiate football program, spending $31.7 million this year alone. Yeah, can’t imagine how those five suspended Buckeye players could have gotten the idea that the game was all about money….

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The fine for Brett Favre over the Jenn Sterger sexting allegations: $50,000. The fine for the Jets for their coach’s misbehavior in the Dolphins game: $100,000. Translation, if you’re thinking of doing something naughty on the sideline, don’t trip someone, send them dirty pictures, it’s cheaper.

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ESPN announcers are saying what a great job North Carolina Coach Butch Davis has done because he had 35 players lost for at least part of the season due to suspension or injury, and 14 players lost to “NCAA allegations.” Well, I am not sure “great job” is the phrase I would use but Davis is certainly running an NFL ready program.

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How bad was New York City’s response to the latest blizzard? Rumor has it that former President George W. Bush called up the mayor to say “Bloomie, you’re doing a helluva job.”

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The storm was bad, the city’s response may have been worse. In fact, this may go down as the least effective attempt to clean up a mess in New York since the Mets hired Jerry Manuel.

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Fans of Sarah Palin’s “Alaska” will now be able to purchase a two-disc set that includes all seven episodes of the show. For some reason, however, the discs stop playing after episode four.

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Augie wonders, why did the NFL spend all that money on a forensic specialist to verify if the pictures were indeed of Brett Favre’s junk?  They could have just asked his wife.

(Of course, it’s possible Brett was so focused on his extra-curricular activities, Deanna doesn’t remember.)

Comments: 1 Comment

Various junk….

Posted December 30, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

San Francisco 49ers’ owner Jed York said he would spare no expense and search nationwide for a new general manager for the team.  But it appears he will simply promote vice president of player personnel Trent Baalke from down the hall.

Sounds like he spent about as much time searching as O.J. did for the real killer.

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Regarding that $50,000 fine for Brett Favre. The man makes $16 million a year. Which means for the average American, he’s paying about the equivalent of a speeding ticket.

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But really, $50,000 total for inappropriate texts?   This just in, Tiger Woods has dubbed Favre “The Luckiest Man in the World.”

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But okay, you think you have a rough job.  How’d you like to be the forensic analyst who the NFL hired to decide if “beyond a reasonable doubt” those really were pictures of Brett Favre’s junk?

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The Associated Press, says that a “person with knowledge” told them that federal authorities are investigating if Senate Republican candidate Christine O’Donnell used campaign money for her own personal expenses.

The AP hopes to do a followup interview, as soon as they find out on what lilypad their informant now lives.

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While I understand the President’s intent in congratulating the Eagles for taking a chance on ex-felon Michael Vick, I have to wonder, would Obama have made the same call had Vick had a season like say, Alex Smith.

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Andnow, ladies and gentlemen, doing their job to fill in admirably since there are no live late-night joke monologues this week, I give you the NCAA spokesman, this time on the Auburn-Ohio State controversies:

“Money is not a motivator or factor as to why one school would get a particular decision versus another.”

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A man in South Carolina was hit by an SUV while playing a real life game of “Frogger.”

(yes, that old arcade game where you try to jump a frog through lanes of fast moving traffic, only he was playing the frog role.)

The only thing keeping this guy from a guaranteed Darwin award is the fact that the hospital says he will probably live.”

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The Post Office has announced that all new first class stamps will be “Forever” stamps. Is that referring to how long the stamps will last or how long it will take your letters to get there?

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From Gary Morten: This just in, Terrelle Pryor has just signed an endorsement deal with QVC.

Comments: 1 Comment

I guess that’s why they call it the “poos?”

Posted December 29, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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 Elton John, 63, and his husband David Furnish have become parents to a baby boy. Well, give old Elton some credit. At his age at least he’s having a child instead of marrying one.

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Although wait a few years until Elton and David are trying to teach their son to be polite and never use coarse language in public.   Can’t wait to see the look on little Zachary’s face when he figures out that dad not only said the word,  but wrote a song with the title “The Bitch is Back.”

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The Golden State Warriors are sending Palo Alto High and Harvard grad Jeremy Lin to the D (Developmental) League, so he can get some playing time against lesser competition and learn how to be a serious NBA level player. Fans in Sacramento are wondering if the same thing can be done with the entire Kings’ team.

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Scary to think where the Minnesota Vikings might be this season if Brett Favre had decided to stay home and work on his photography skills.

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And for those keeping a list,  maybe we can now add Joe Webb to the long column of names of unheralded quarterbacks who are more effective than former #1 pick Alex Smith.

(or for that matter, Jamarcus Russell.)

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Sue Paterno, the wife of Penn State coach Joe Paterno, 84 said the rumors her husband will resign are “lies,” and his health is fine. Unless, she reportedly added, he decides to emulate Hefner with a 24 year old. Then Joe will be dead.

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It’s been about 2 1/2 years since the AP and others filed “freedom of information” requests for emails from Sarah Palin’s time in office. But the Alaska Governor’s office says they need more time to prepare them, and has asked for a (15th) delay, until May, 2011. Guess Alaska couldn’t afford an automated “spellcheck” program.

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Madame Tussaud’s in London has announced plans for a Kate Middleton wax figure, which will be placed next to her fiance, Prince William, and future brother-in-law Prince Harry.

They are also considering a figure of American superhorse Zenyetta, which would be placed next to Camilla Parker-Bowles.

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Spokesman Kevin Lennon defended the NCAA’s decision to suspend five OSU players for selling memorabilia and getting free tattoos, but also allowing those five to play in the Sugar Bowl: “The notion that the NCAA is selective with its rules enforcement is a tired myth rooted in bias and personal perception.” I think I liked “I did not have sex with that woman” better.

Comments: 3 Comments

Are we thawed out for some football…?

Posted December 28, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Apparently Brett Favre will not play Tuesday night unless he passes a concussion test. Such a test would require Favre demonstrating he is thinking clearly and rationally. Shame for Vikings fans they didn’t adminster one at the beginning of the season.

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Many if not most NBA fans haven’t gotten over “The Decision.”  Now following the uproar over his latest remarks about having few NBA teams, Lebron James stated today that he really isn’t in favor of contraction. 

You know, “The King’s Speech” is a great movie about a speech therapist named Lionel Logue who helped King George VI avoid embarrassing himself everytime he opened his mouth.  Wonder if Lionel has any descendants in Miami…..?

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But really, James is an incredible talent.  Except lately he seems to get in more trouble opening his mouth than anyone not named Monica Lewinsky.

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The Miami Heat-Los Angeles Lakers game on Christmas drew the NBA’s highest holiday television rating since 2004. But Lebron James and his friends actually had an even more stunning accomplishment for the day – turning most of America into temporary Lakers’ fans.

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Julian Assange has apparently signed a contract to write his autobiography. But how can the publisher possibly believe anyone will actually buy a copy of a book that a month ahead of time should be completely leaked to the internet?

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The Florida Gators surprised their fans by announcing that they will be without four starters against Penn State in the Outback Bowl. The real surprise, the players involved are all injured, none were arrested or suspended.

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With the snowfall back east, both the Giants and Jets were stranded in the midwest, and temporarily unable to fly home. Based on their team’s performance against the Packers, however, Giants fans are okay with them staying there for a while. (Like maybe until the Spring thaw.)

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The Chilean miners are all heading to Disney World on an expense-paid trip that Disney has donated. So these men survived over two months being trapped underground; now comes the real test, how will they do on a few back-to-back rides on “It’s a Small World?”

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My comedy writer  friend Jerry Perisho wonders about Hefner’s latest engagement and if he asked his fiancee’s father. I wonder if Hugh asked her grandfather?

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Sarah Palin is now saying that her created word “refudiate,” was simply the result of hitting the wrong key instead of the P while she was tweeting. Uh, okay, but if so wouldn’t the word have read “reoudiate”, or “reludiate?  (Take a look at a QWERTY keyboard if this makes no sense.)

Comments: 1 Comment

Jolly older men.

Posted December 27, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

On Christmas Eve, Michelle Obama helped answer phone calls from children to NORAD’s Santa tracking hotline. Which is a change from the last two first ladies. Laura didn’t want to spoil the fantasy for George W., and while Hillary Clinton has many skills, keeping track of the whereabouts of large smiling men was never her strong suit.

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So Hugh Hefner, 84, is engaged to a 24 year old Playmate. Americans aren’t known for their higher math skills, but I suppose we may now find out how many times 84 goes into 24.

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Hugh Hefner tweeted the announcement of his engagement to his 24 year old girlfriend Crystal Harris . What’s more amazing, that the 84 year old Hef is marrying a woman 60 years his junior, or that he knows how to use Twitter?

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With their game against the Eagles now scheduled for Tuesday, the Minnesota Vikings have now had three games in a row delayed and/or moved this winter.  Maybe it wasn’t a good idea for Brett Favre to say privately that he would retire when “hell freezes over.”

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The Kraft “Fight Hunger” Bowl will be January 9  at A T and T Park between Nevada and Boston College.  Not to be confused with the San Francisco 49ers – Arizona Cardinals game on Jan 2 at Candlestick Park, which will probably be known as the “Fight Boredom” Bowl.

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Ever wanted to have a good example for the phrase “Addition by subtraction?” How about the Cincinnati Bengals on Sunday – with their best win of year, 34-20 over the Chargers? And due to injuries neither T.O. nor Ochocinco were involved.

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In Philly Disney’s ice show has been postponed along with Vikings-Eagles game. So with Brett Favre still hoping to play that makes two delayed “Fantasies on Ice.”

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So who had December 26 in the Mike Singletary pool?

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This just didn’t turn out to be Singletary’s year…. the man much remembered for his role in the “Super Bowl Shuffle,” will now be remembered for his role in the 49ers Quarterback Shuffle.

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After the latest census, New York lost two congressional seats while Florida gained two seats. Won’t affect things that much in Washington though, those new residents are mostly former New Yorkers who just fled south to avoid the winters.

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And to all a good night..

Posted December 25, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized

Hope anyone reading this has a had a great Christmas, and remember, if Santa didn’t give you exactly what you wished for, maybe it’s not so bad.

Just think of all those Minnesota Vikings fans who just wished last year that Favre would return for the 2010 season.

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Note to Lebron, however this comes out, I just don’t remember Jesus ever announcing to the world that he was taking his talents to Nazareth.

 

 

 

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BCS – Big Conference Santa

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NBA Christmas Carol: “Whose Child is This?

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And this classic from my friend Jerry Perisho – Tiger  Woods’ carol:  “I’m dreaming of a White Mistress.”

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The marquee NBA Christmas game is the Heat-Lakers. Although the 20 or so “have-not” teams in the league probably view it the same way the Christians used to view a matchup between Lions.

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Stanford has apparently sold about 10,000 tickets for the Orange Bowl. Although they clearly aren’t the profit generators the Ohio State Buckeyes are for these post-season games. Why, apparently no players have even listed their swag for sale yet.

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On the other hand, more Stanford fans have bought tickets for a bowl game across the country than Raiders fans buy tickets to most home games.

 

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Back from internet never neverland tomorrow, thanks also to all readers for their patience.

 

Comments: 2 Comments

Christmas eve

Posted December 24, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized

more random thoughts from a week with very little internet……

Apparently Christmas isn’t a favorite holiday at the Palin household. Seems Santa hasn’t been around much since the time Sarah served the family that fresh venison dinner.

WNBA star Diana Taurasi tested positive for a performance-enhancing drug. So much for all those who said women will never be the sports equals of men.

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The NCAA’s decision regarding suspending Terrelle Pryor and his OSU teammates for selling memorabilia, but not until after the Sugar Bowl, may rank as one of the most unbelievable public statements of all time. Well, at least since Bill Clinton said he would be “forsaking all others.”

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From Gary Morton:  Guess those OSU players didn’t learn much from the Cam Newton case. Otherwise they would have had their parents sell all their “souvenirs,” and they could have picked up all kinds of new swag from the Sugar Bowl.

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And yet another thought regarding that NCAA-Ohio State nonsuspension: Hard to believe there were people just a few weeks ago who thought the NCAA couldn’t sink any lower than they did with the Cam Newton decision.

From TC, – Did Rex Ryan dress up at the Jets Christmas party as Frosty the Toeman?

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Meanwhile,  in New Orleans, local residents are shocked at the Ohio State case. Not that they would be above a little greed and corruption.  But in Louisiana they would be a lot less likely to be caught so easily.

 

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And at least the sort of thing that “happened” to the Buckeyes is not likely to be added to the list of sins Michigan fans have for Rich Rodriguez.  Rich hasn’t taken the Wolverines to the kind of bowl where you get serious swag.

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Lebron James thinks contraction (ie reducing teams) would be a good thing for the NBA fans.    Many folks in Cleveland and around the U.S. agree with him.  Starting with the Heat.

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Supposedly Santa has a special gift for the Favre household this year.  A Magic 8 ball with only one answer.

 

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And who is most likely to be dreaming in vain of a White Christmas?  Lindsay Lohan at the Betty Ford Center.

Comments: 2 Comments

No Credibility At All

Posted December 23, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized

Terrelle Pryor and four of his Ohio State Buckeye teammates have been suspended for 5 games for the 2011 season for selling sports memorabilia for thousands of dollars.  But not the Sugar Bowl. Guess the NCAA didn’t want to deprive them of their major source of income.

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On the bright side for football fans in the state of Ohio, at least SOME players who have been getting paid actually are performing.

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or a variation:

Well, we’ve just had confirmed what many sports fans have long suspected. The best performing professional football players in the state of Ohio play for the Buckeyes.

 

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Some are saying the five suspended OSU players should just go pro.  Actually, sounds like they already have.

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While we don’t know Lebron James’ Christmas wish for 2010, I think it’s a safe bet that 2009’s wasn’t for a copy of “How to win friends and influence people

 

TC Chong, on Nike, Reebok, Adidas and other manufacturers being up in arms at China producing lame, cheap, substandard, broken down, under-performing clones of real products and trying to pass them off as genuine: “But enough about Yao Ming.’’

The Poinsettia Bowl will apparently go on despite there having been several inches of water on the field most of the week.   It  was pretty bad.  Normally the only thing so underwater this time of year for football in California are the Raiders’ playoffs hopes.

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Thursday night’s  game- the Panthers vs. the Steelers.  Are we sure this isn’t a plot between the NFL and our nation’s retailers to convince the men of America that there are things worse than shopping?

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Back to politics:

 

Obama’s comeback – it’s a START.

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Although, really, how long has this lame-duck Congress been in, and NOW they start doing things?  Reminds me of the line about the English King Charles 1, at his execution – “Nothing in life so became him  as the leaving of it.

Comments: 2 Comments

Counting down towards Santa…

Posted December 22, 2010 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized

Although in Philly, fans already got their present from Santa Dodge.

 

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Interim Vikings coach Leslie Frazier won’t put Brett Favre on injured reserve yet.

Which means long-suffering Minnesota fans will still have nightmares about the ghosts of Favre Past, Present and Future.

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Since Favre isn’t practicing, however, he has been trying to keep busy. That volunteer job at the North Pole, however, washed out.  Apparently it took Brett several days just to decide if the first ten kids on the list Santa gave him were naughty or nice.

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The Yankees are only paying $18 million in luxury tax this year.  Which curiously enough is about the same total payroll of the 2011 Greinke-less Royals.

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Prince Frederic Von Anhalt, the husband of Zsa Zsa Gabor, apparently was hospitalized after mistaking a bottle of nail glue for eye drops and accidentally gluing one of his own eyes shut.

Well, I don’t know about deaf,  but he’s certainly got “dumb and blind” down.

 

Apparently 23 percent of U.S. high school graduates can’t get the minimum score needed on a test to qualify for the military. It’s okay though, most of them are in college playing football.
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Regarding those 23 percent of high school graduates who can’t pass the military qualification test. Wonder how many of them refudiate the results.
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In England,  the Business Secretary, Vince Cable (this is similar to a U.S. Cabinet position), was stripped of his responsibilities after he claimed to have declared war on Rupert Murdoch’s News Corp (parent of Fox)  empire.
Wonder how long it might take him to get a sympathetic message and a job offer from President Obama….

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