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More MLK thoughts…

January 18, 2011

 A Greeley, Colorado school board member and radio station owner denouncedMLK day, because, among other things, Dr. King was unfaithful to his wife. With all due respect, if this becomes a criteria in judging a man’s life, we’re going to be tearing down a lot of those monuments in Washington.

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Neal commented yesterday “All dreams must never die.”

Though even MLK might have had to pause in the face of Cubs fans.

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This has been a shockingly year so far in the NFL. A 7-9 team made the playoffs. And, both of last year’s Super Bowl contenders are already out of the playoffs, along with the highly touted Patriots and Falcons. At least fans of continuity can take comfort in the fact that Brett Favre did file his annual retirement papers.

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Hue Jackson was officially named the Oakland Raiders’ latest head coach. Wonder which will last longer – his tenure as coach or Hugh Hefner’s marriage?

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Some commentators are now saying that Rex Ryan’s antics before the Patriots game were designed to divert attention from and reduce pressure on Matt Sanchez. When asked Ryan allegedly just smiled and said he would never tell the media exactly what game is afoot.

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Has anyone told the Jets and Patriots that the trash talking normally stops once the game is over?

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Dick Cheney now says he offered to step aside as Vice President several times. But the president always turned him down. Makes sense, if that had happened W. would have actually had to run the country.

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Starbucks is coming out with a new 32 ounce coffee,the Trenta. And for fans of the chain’s fanciest and most expensive drinks, presumably this will be the first menu item that can be paid for under an installment plan.

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In response to the controversy over her crosshairs and “blood libel” comment, Sarah Palin said her critics are “not going to shut her up.”  “Thank God,” responded Democratic fundraisers.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized

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Happy MLK day…

January 16, 2011

Many stores are having Martin Luther King sales this weekend.  Wonder what Dr. King would think of the fact that for many Americans the “dream” has become “30 percent off all clearance merchandise.

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Traditionally  January has been the time of year for “White Sales.”   It just doesn’t, however, now seem appropriate for stores to be advertising cheap white sheets.

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Refrain heard all over New Orleans today – “How the h*ll did we lose to these guys?”

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But, okay, even as a Stanford fan,  guess it’s time to root for the Jets next week against the Steelers. Got to suck it up and choose the USC quarterback over the rapist.

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Any guesses as to who Rex Ryan will decide it’s personal with next week?

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Ravens, Falcons, Seahawks. Hard to imagine a worse couple days for birds unless the cat lobby gets bell collars outlawed.

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One thing for sure about today’s Jets-Patriots game at Gillette Stadium, possible AFC MVP Tom Brady was definitely not “the best a man can get.”

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And the Jets played like they might be almost as good as they think they are

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The last time Tom Brady had such bad results with completing passes, a little pink cross on a plastic stick was involved.

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And while the Seahawks made it respectable towards the end of the game,  Pete Carroll had to be thinking for much of the game that he got better performances out of his paid players at USC.

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The Los Angeles Clippers beat the Los Angeles Lakers 99-92.   Frustrated Lakers fans blamed the loss on the Clippers’ home court advantage.

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SI.com actually referred to the Clippers-Lakers as a rivalry game.  A sign of how things are changing?  That matchup has been as historically as much of a rivalry game as a mouse has with a cat.

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The  “Social Network” won an Golden Globe for “best picture.”  Ironic because Facebook has probably done more than any other American recent phenomenon to keep Americans occupied in their spare time without going to (or renting) movies.

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Missed America?

January 15, 2011

Miss Nebraska, Teresa Scanlan, who won’t reach her 18th birthday until February, was crowned Miss America in Las Vegas.   So yes, Janis Ian, once again, at 17,  love was meant for beauty queens.

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But really, 17 years old?  Scanlan is so young not even her parents probably remember when the pageant was relevant.

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Fox announcers just stated that Seattle-Chicago will be a “really fun game” tomorrow. Translation, well, we sure as hope it will be better than this Packers-Falcons matchup where we lost much of our audience at halftime.

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Today the Green Bay Packers took on the Atlanta Falcons in the playoffs while Brett Favre sits at home. Just think, if it were up to him Favre would still be the Packers’ QB.   But then he’d have still spent the day sitting at home.

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The Ravens came up just short today, but they still hold the honor of being the only professional team named for a poem.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger said that counting expenses and lost income from acting in Hollywood films,”serving as California governor probably cost him at least $200 million,  Which alas is nothing compared to what it cost the state.

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CBS is standing behind Charlie Sheen and has announced he will remain on “Two and a half men”. But if it doesn’t work out Sheen does have a backup offer from “Jersey Shore.”

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The Miami Heat have lost three in a row since Lebron James sent his tweet slamming Cavs fans and invoking God.    Could this be the second biggest mistake Lebron has made in the past year involving a decision?

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Well, Jim Harbaugh certainly has a challenge in front of him as the 49ers coach next year. But for 2011, who would have expected he’d already have more wins than his brother.

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And the following, forwarded by my friend Michael Duca, is the link to a letter written by a Cleveland fan to the Browns in 1974, complaining about the  perceived menace of thrown paper airplanes.  Depending on who you root for, the Browns’ response might be the most fun you have with football all weekend:

http://deadspin.com/5716038/the-greatest-letter-ever-printed-on-nfl-team-letterhead?skyline=true&s=i

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Floored.

January 15, 2011

For all those who said Nike founder Phil Knight couldn’t have wasted money on anything that looked sillier than the Oregon Ducks’ BCS championship uniforms (with day-glo shoes and socks),  I give you…. the new Oregon basketball floor.

And those are trees on the wood, not water stains.

Just think, had Knight only been an SEC or USC grad he wouldn’t have to come up with all these ways to spend money on athletics-  he could have given the case directly to the players.  (or their fathers.)

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So much for the lifelong glory of that Hall of Fame football career. Actual headline today in the SF Examiner – “Former ‘Dancing with the Stars’ ‘star’ Lawrence Taylor – probation in rape case.

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The Octomom said today in an interview on Oprah that she was addicted to having children. Another shocking revelation in a week that brought us Nicole Kidman’s admission of having used Botox.

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Maine Republican Governor Paul LePage is skipping an event on MLK day and told the NAACP chapter when they complained that they can “kiss my butt.” Interesting choice of words for a man who is also opposed to gay rights.

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Rich Rodriguez, the recently fired Wolverines football coach, said he donated over 400 maize-and-blue items he amassed during his three years in Ann Arbor to the Salvation Army. The University of Michigan, equally committed to avoid waste, donated all their Rich Rodriguez items to a local composting operation.

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While soliciting bids for a plate at a charity auction, Andre Agassi, who is married to Steffi Graff, said if the bidding reached $4000, he would show the winner a naked picture of his wife on his cell phone. Bill Clinton is planning a similar idea- unless the bidding goes well, he will show the winner a naked picture of HIS wife.

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According to Manny Ramirez’s agent, at least five MLB teams have shown interest in signing the temperamental slugger. “I’ll take ‘gluttons for punishment’ for $600, Alex.”

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Tim Pawlenty says he’s either going to “run for president or open a margarita bar.” Moderate Republicans around the country are setting up a fund to get Sarah Palin a nice little leased storefront in Wasilla with plenty of tequila.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Cam, we hardly knew ye.

January 14, 2011

Or at least beyond what the NCAA considered reasonable doubt.

Auburn quarterback and Heisman winner Cam Newton declared for the NFL draft.  Just in time for the NCAA to complete their investigation and say he WOULD have been suspended for the 2011 season.

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Newton was asked, if like Andrew Luck, he has plans some day to complete his degree. His response “What’s a degree?”

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One good fit for Cam Newton might be playing for Pete Carroll in Seattle.  After all, after all Carroll’s years at USC, who else has more experience in dealing with semi-pro players?.

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Football coach Les Miles has agreed to a seven year contract at LSU. This way he might see some of his current freshmen actually graduate.

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The San Jose Sharks have  now lost six games in a row.   Who do they think they are?  The Maple Leafs?

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Stand by for Waffle Night at the Shark Tank.  Or maybe since this is the food-obsessed Bay Area, Crepes.

(Note to non-hockey fans, disgruntled Leafs fans, if that isn’t redundant,  started throwing waffles on the ice to express their displeasure with the team, although Toronto is actually winning lately.)

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Ted Williams, the formerly homeless man with the amazing voice, is headed to rehab. Well, we knew he wanted to get into acting. Maybe he wants to work with Lindsay Lohan.

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New Cardinal head football coach David Shaw, 38, says he wants to be a “lifer” at Stanford. Don’t laugh, he’s starting out in the job two years younger than Joe Paterno was when he took over at Penn State.

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Cunard’s ships the Queen Mary, Queen Victoria and Queen Elizabeth all sailed together in New York harbor Thursday and were honored with a fireworks display.   It was the most gala event involving three British queens since Queen Elizabeth and the Queen Mother attended an Elton John concert.

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Condoleezza Rice apparently once told the NY Times that football “is a kind of national pastime that brings people together across social lines, across racial lines.” She’s right, if you asked people in D.C. who they’d most like to see run out of town, at the top of most people’s lists – rich, poor, black, white – would be Redskins owner Dan Snyder.

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Augie commented on a joke about the BWI Ravens that maybe they should be the IAD Redskins.  Though I think most D.C. fans would call them the DOA Redskins.

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Karmic tweeting.

January 13, 2011

Tweet from Lebron James attacking Cleveland Fans – “Crazy. Karma is a … Gets you every time. Its [sic] not good to wish bad on anybody. God sees everything!”
Yep, and tonight God apparently saw that tweet – Heat 105, Clippers 111.

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Apparently James also forgot this little earlier directive from God:

Proverbs  16-18  “Pride goes before destruction,     a haughty spirit before a fall.

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Open note to all NBA players.  If you are going to showboat and dunk, it is a good idea to put the ball in the basket.

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Nicole Kidman has finally admitted to using Botox. In related news, Elton John is still gay.

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How anti-climactic was Kidman’s Botox admission?  No one raised an eyebrow in Hollywood, not even both women left in town who could do that.

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The Atlanta area and much of the southeast is still trying to dig out after this week’s snow and ice storm. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea for some locals to say that the Falcons would have a serious chance to get to the Super Bowl “when hell freezes over.”

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The Speaker of the House hosted a cocktail party tonight for RNC committee members. Featuring no doubt “Boehner punch” – it seems bland and orange but one glass will bring you to tears.

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Apparently the morning before his alleged shooting rampage, Jared Loughner was pulled over by a policeman for running a red light, but let off with a warning and no search of his car. Have to wonder, what would have happened had his name been, say, Julio Gonzalez?

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Not sure about the rest of the country, but sounds like the Jets and Patriots certainly didn’t get the “can we try a little civility?” message.

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And for most of the country, outside of New York and New England, this Jets-Patriots game now presents a dilemma – for one day you’ve actually got to root for one of these teams.

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I’m willing to take the high road here and accept Sarah Palin’s word that she had no idea how offensive the term “blood libel” is to Jews and anyone who knows the history of the term. But isn’t this another example of why we actually want our potential leaders to be educated people?

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Okay, even if Americans are willing to concede the 2nd amendment, and willing to accept that guns are not any more inherently dangerous than a car, here’s a question: Why can’t it simply be as hard to buy a gun as it is to get a driver’s license

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Hail to the once and maybe future Victors?

January 12, 2011

So Michigan finally tapped Brady Hoke as their next coach.  And yeah, how’s this for a vote of confidence for starters….?  Well, it took us a while  to decide there were better options out there than the guy we spent millions to get from West Virginia.  Then our first choice turned us down to either remain at Stanford or go with the 49ers. And our second choice decided to stay with LSU.   But really, Brady, you’re the man. 

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Carnac moment: Answer – “Hoke Pokey” – Question. What will be Michigan’s excuse for firing their new coach if he doesn’t get the Wolverines’ program turned around FAST?

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A formerly out-of-work Fremont, California man has opened “Your Coffee Cups,” Northern California’s first drive-thru coffee stand with bikini-clad baristas. Business is apparently going well enough that he’s considering expanding. Could this be the beginning of a new Silicone Valley?

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Once again, the “you cannot make this stuff up department.” A U.S. Border Patrol agent was arrested today in San Diego. The charge, harboring his illegal immigrant father. (Who had been deported twice starting in 2007.) The father, for what it’s worth, escaped and remains at large.

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The NFL players’ union says the league’s proposal for an 18 game season is just “unacceptable” and a “slap in the face.” Well, except for teams that might end up with those two extra games against the Carolina Panthers, the Denver Broncos or the NFC West.

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Oregon coach Chip Kelly may not have won the national championship, but he might get the award for the most honest interview answer. When asked if he had any thoughts when he heard Andrew Luck was coming back, his response was “Yeah, I threw up, to be honest with you.”

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Jim Harbaugh may not have gone to Michigan from Stanford because he felt the school’s academic standards for athletes were too low. But Les Miles may have turned down the Wolverines offer and remained at LSU because Michigan’s academic standards are too high.

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MySpace announced they are laying off half their global staff. The news caught most Americans by surprise – MySpace still HAS a global staff?

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Bill Littlejohn, after Boston Celtics center Shaquille O’Neal playfully shouted “Why? Why? Why?” after the NBA docked him $35,000 for criticizing officials: “Gee, did he get fined or get hit in the knee by Tonya Harding?”

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And this inspired by a conversation with Littlejohn:   After interviewing with nine different teams over the years, Ron Riviera finally was named head coach, for the Carolina Panthers.  If this works out well, he hopes his next job will to be coach a professional team.

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But really, nine interviews?  Riviera was becoming the Susan Lucci of the NFL.

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They’re over.

January 11, 2011

Yes, the  BCS bowl games are done for 2010-2011.    But the BCS committee would tell you there’s a reason they need so many games over such a long period.  And might consider more.   I mean, out of 120 FBS (Division 1) teams, as it is now a full 50 of them actually have to stay home instead of going to the postseason.

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Sloppy sloppy national title game. Of course maybe this has something to with the fact that it seems like there was more time between the end of the regular season and the BCS game, than there is between the end of the World Series and when pitchers and catchers report to Spring Training.

Andrew Luck decided to forego the NFL draft so he could return to college and get his degree. Cam Newton still has eligibility left (after attending three schools) and was asked if he would consider the same thing. Replied Newton – “What’s a degree?

Well, after the trouble the Ohio State players got into for selling stuff, there’s no chance that Cam Newton will try to sell any memorabilia from the BCS championship. He’ll have his dad put it on Ebay.

LaMichael James is on criminal probation, Cam Newton says he had no idea his father was “shopping” him. Maybe we should call this the “Crooks and Liars” bowl.

One reason Jim Harbaugh may have chosen the 49ers over the Wolverines might be his well-publicized feelings on Michigan’s low academic standards for athletes. Well, that won’t be a problem if Michigan tries to hire Les Miles from LSU.

TMI department: Between John Boehner’s tears and Rex Ryan’s foot fetish (and everything being personal), it’s enough to make you long for the days when men were emotionally repressed in public.

There’s a new iPad app to follow Cam Newton’s season with Auburn.   But you can’t buy it for yourself.  Your dad has to do the shopping.

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From Alex Kaseberg:  The top New Year resolutions are to cut out junk food, gambling, drinking and smoking. So if you’re hung-over in the Las Vegas airport eating a Cinnabon in the smoking area, you’ve already blown it.

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Rush Limbaugh says the media is “unnecessarily stirring up the country” with the “insane” premise that hateful rhetoric from people like himself and Sarah Palin may have contributed to the shootings in Tucson. Interesting comments from the same man who speculated that the Gulf Oil explosion and spill was the work of “environmentalist wackos”, and blamed Al Gore for inciting them.

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And finally a little rant about the media’s coverage of Chistina Taylor Green, the 9 year old girl who was shot and killed at the Giffords rally.  There have been stories how tragic it was because she was born on Sept 11, because she was the granddaughter of formerPhillies manager Dallas Green, because she was the daughter of a Dodgers’ employee.

Excuse me, she was an innocent 9 year old little girl, her killing was tragic, PERIOD.

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Even if we weren’t quite ready for some football…

January 11, 2011

In some ways sports seems trivial after the awful shootings in Arizona Saturday.

On the other hand, if we stop laughing, the bad guys win.   So, ever onward.

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Apparently tickets to the BCS championship are selling for $2000 and up. Curiously enough, for $2000 a fan could probably purchase a ticket to every single one of the other 34 bowl games, and have money left over.

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Glendale police say eight people have been arrested for selling fake tickets to Monday’s BCS Championship game between Auburn and Oregon. Apparently all eight have protested “but we got the tickets from our fathers.”

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The NCAA says a major reason not to have a college playoff system is that it would keep those players away from their studies for an extra few weeks. Right, as opposed to now where I am SURE players from Auburn and Oregon have been focused on school for the last month.

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Open note to football fans in Washington D.C. hoping to root for a decent team: Take a page from the airports, and start referring to them as the BWI Ravens.

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The Jets had a nearly 10 minute touchdown drive in their playoff game against the Colts.    Just how long was the drive?   By the time it was over,  Brett Favre had unretired and retired three times.

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Kansas City fans were hoping that they would have a few more weekends of watching their Chiefs play football this year.

Today quoth the Ravens,  “nevermore.”

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Will a documentary on the life of new Hall of Famer Roberto Alomar be titled “True Spit?”

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Nick Coombs sent in this: TLC announced they will not renew “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” for a second season. It’s for the best though, she probably would have resigned midway through the season anyways.

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But really, TLC is the network that ran five season of Jon and Kate plus 8.  So how bad do you have to be to be cancelled after one year…?

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No more target practice:

January 9, 2011

 

The jokes will be back in the next post.  For now…some random thoughts about Saturday’s horror.

Sarah Palin’s  target site has been taken down….. will the rhetoric be next?   One can only hope.

For the first truly bi-partisan resolution of the new Congress, may I suggest a commitment to civil discourse, and a request for partisans on both sides to turn down the hate speech?

And yes, anyone who reads this blog regularly or at all probably has figured out I am on the left side of the middle.  But this is not just a left-right issue.

I am a huge fan of free speech.  And listening to incendiary talk, whether it’s on radio, television, on the internet, or in person, doesn’t incite most people to violence.    But “most”  just  isn’t good enough, or safe enough.  Because it doesn’t take many crazies to do a whole lot of damage.

And while free speech is not quite like video games and movies that can be regulated, maybe it’s time for a little self-censorship.  Or restraint.  Or simply deciding that it’s okay to agree to disagree and still act like grownups.   (Another example, saying a certain NFL quarterback should be executed really isn’t helping animal rights.)

You’d think the NRA would be one of the groups most out in front on rejecting hate speech.  After all, it’s their “product” that seems to be the favorite tool of the crazies.    And anyone who decides to promote their cause with a gun, whether that cause is anti-government, anti-choice, OR for that matter,  anti-financial institution or anti-animal research,  isn’t helping that cause.

An interesting sidelight to a very sad story. While she is pro-choice, pro-solar energy, and voted for Obama’s healthcare reform, Congresswoman Giffords herself is a gunowner and a strong supporter of the second amendment.

Finally, this statement by Senator John McCain reminds me of why I used to really admire the man, even when I disagreed with his politics: “Whoever did this; whatever their reason, they are a disgrace to Arizona, this country and the human race, and they deserve and will receive the contempt of all decent people and the strongest punishment of the law.”

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Friday groaners…

January 8, 2011

 Times are tough all over. The city of Amsterdam has decided that licensed prostitutes must start paying taxes based on the number of clients they have each day. I guess they’re calling it a pole tax? 

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John Boehner, the most orange man in America, has said in an interview that he has “never been in a tanning bed or used a tanning product.”  Could it be he just doesn’t want to admit he is stupid enough to spend that much time in the sun?  Who knows?  This appears to be one of those “Don’t Bask, Don’t Tell” situations.

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Texas A & M was routed 41 to 24 today by LSU in the Cotton Bowl, in a game that wasn’t that close.   Is it a rule that teams from Texas have to suck in Cowboys Stadium?

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A  friend of John Edwards’ says the former Senator is NOT engaged to marry Rielle Hunter. And that he has no plans to remarry. Especially since in this country John wouldn’t be allowed to marry his true love – himself.

(slightly R rated comment from Alex Kaseberg –  “Edwards should marry himself, its not like he hasn’t been told to go eff himself.”)

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 While Auburn had been ranked 4th in the country for football players’ academic achievement, the NCAA now announced that due to the discovery of some “loopholes” by the NY Times, the Tigers are actually 85th out of 120 major college teams. Guess Auburn shouldn’t have put the teams’ math majors in charge of reporting statistics.

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Basketball star Enes Kanter, 18, was declared permanently ineligible to play in college by the NCAA, for receiving over $30,000 in benefits while playing for a Turkish team. No doubt this will be a lesson to other talented young men who choose to play abroad – “Just pay my dad, okay?”

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The NFL is debuting a new overtime rule for the postseason. (Basically, you can’t win on the first possession of OT by kicking a field goal, the other team must then have possession at least once.) Fortunately the Redskins and Donovan McNabb are nowhere near the playoffs.

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Harbaugh bidding wars – “The Decision, The Sequel?”

January 7, 2011

Actually,however this turns out, the drama with Jim Harbaugh is considerably more interesting than “the Decision.”

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But okay, here’s my solution for short-term gain for Stanford fans and potential long-term gain for San Francisco fans. Have Harbaugh ask for a deferral of the coaching job offer for one year. Then let Jed York coach his own team. Result – a great year for the Cardinal and a sure #1 pick for the 49ers in 2012 to choose Luck.

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Meanwhile, this year, guess Andrew Luck decided another year of college WAS something that could be fina’ than to be in Carolina….-

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 The Miami Dolphins, presumably impressed by Stanford’s Orange Bowl performance,  reportedly offered coach Jim Harbaugh $7 million a year. Unfortunately most teams in the AFC South aren’t quite as easy to beat as Virginia Tech. Teams in the NFC West, maybe.

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 SF 49ers owner Jed York said he was going to do a “global” search for an experienced GM, and ended up almost immediately going down the hall for V.P. of Player Personnel Trent Baalke. But give the guy a break, he worked at least as hard on the search as O.J. did on his for the real killer.

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Figure skater Johnny Weir has announced in his autobiography that he is gay. Not to dismiss his courageous decision, but wouldn’t it be bigger news if a male figure skater announced he WASN’T gay?

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Dulles Airport was basically closed today for two hours while airport police investigated a suspicious package that turned out to be harmless. So where are all those high-tech X-Ray machines when they really need them?

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Edgar Renteria has signed with the Cincinnati Reds. Based on their 2010 postseason performance it seems clear that Edgar decided he was just tired of all that World Series pressure.

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Despite his previous opposition to DADT repeal, John McCain now says he will act “to make it work.” This could be a sign of his fundamental practicality, or that as a good military man he believes in following laws, even when he disagrees with them. Or that at his age, John just doesn’t remember voting against it.

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After winning the World Junior Championships, The Russian junior players were booted off their flight home as it was deemed they were too intoxicated and were declared a safety threat.  In their defense, the players said they were in training to become pilots.

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Augie comments about the story that John Edwards and Rielle Hunter may be engaged:   Surprised he’s not registered at Crate and Barrel.  Since most women would want to put him in one or the other.

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The British Airport Authority has called in experts to help them avoid another disaster like they had last December, where at most 5 inches of snow shut down Heathrow for days. This in fact was the biggest mess caused by just a few inches since Brett Favre texted those pictures to Jenn Sterger.

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Michele Bachmann has been appointed to serve on the House Intelligence Committee. What’s next, Sarah Palin on the board of PETA?

Not that Brett Favre doesn’t appear to be a grade-A scumbag where women are concerned. But I do have one question for Jenn Sterger. If he was being THAT offensive, why didn’t you just call the phone company and have them block calls from his number?               
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Regarding those Southwest commercials attacking other airlines for their change fees:, I agree that it’s nice that the airline doesn’t charge change fees per se. But what they don’t mention, if you are on a discount ticket and want to standby on an earlier flight, you have to pay the difference between your fare and the full fare, even if the earlier flight has empty seats.

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Who’s crying now?

January 6, 2011

Wednesday,  January 5 was a historic day. Following the first female Speaker of the House, we now have a Speaker who is part Oompha Loompha.

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And now that John Boehner is Speaker, will Congress’s theme song be “Who’s crying now?”

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There are rumors that John Edwards is now engaged to marry the mother of his illegitimate daughter, Rielle Hunter. The couple is registered at “Bed, Bath and Beyond all Common Decency.”

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The outdoor NHL Winter Classic between the Pittsburgh Penguins and the Washington Capitals achieved the NHL’s highest regular season television ratings, despite the game being delayed due to unseasonably warm temperatures.. Maybe if the NHL wants to guarantee winter weather for outdoor games they should play the game in July at Candlestick Park.

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Actually, if outdoor games bring higher ratings, maybe the NHL should just take the roofs off of all their arenas.

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Michigan fired their coach, Michigan State was absolutely humiliated in the Capital One by Alabama. Who’d a thunk it, the most optimistic football fans in Michigan these days root for the Detroit Lions?

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The new GOP Congress has been just sworn and and already they are saying that their “$100 billion in cuts” pledge wasn’t really a promise but a “hypothetical number.” So congratulations to everyone who had “less than 24 hours” in the pool.

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Dick Cheney, 69, is apparently deciding about seeking a heart transplant as when he turns 70 he will be too old to qualify. Where’s a good death panel when you need one?

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A United Airlines flight from Denver to Frankfurt was diverted to Toronto last week after a pilot spilled a cup of coffee on the communications equipment in the cockpit, which somehow triggered the emergency codes for a hijacking.   

Wonder how long it will take TSA to ban passengers bringing Starbucks on board as a potentially dangerous item.

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Almost bowled over….

January 5, 2011

With apologies to Chicago – Does anybody really know what bowl this is…. does anybody really care?

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And there have been some good games. But for fans without a connection to the schools involved, many of these bowls have all the drama and interest of division rivalries between the NFC West.

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Terrelle Pryor was named the MVP of the 2011 Sugar Bowl. Think officials figured out how to put a tracking device on that trophy?

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Actually, there are rumors that Pryor and his to-be-suspended OSU teammates may star in an off-season reality show  – Bowling for Dollars.

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The story switches hourly but now it seems like Jim Harbaugh is heading to the 49ers. Which means he might be the first college coach to switch to the pros and take a step down with his quarterback.

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On the other hand Harbaugh isn’t that much older than Brett Favre?  Maybe the 49ers want him to be a player coach.

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Earlier today there was the rumor of Harbaugh to the Raiders? With all due respect, entering into a business relationship with the 81 year old Al Davis at this point seems about as likely for long-time success as marrying Hugh Hefner.

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Tough luck for Tom Cable. His greatest problem as a coach this year? Not being in the NFC West.

Meanwhile, back in Ann Arbor, the word out of Michigan is that Rich Rodriguez is fired, no he’s not fired, maybe he is fired, maybe he’s not. Not sure who’ll be coaching the team next year but wonder how long it will take for them to offer a job to new quarterbacks coach Brett Favre.

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And okay, I admit, I hate Notre Dame. But listening to all these puns and headlines with Stanford’s quarterback we should all be glad he didn’t go to South Bend. How many times could we have stood the phrase “Luck of the Irish?”

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Panthers owner Jerry Richardson says negotiations between the NFL and the unions are not going well. But they could still settle in time to play the 2011 season, so Carolina fans shouldn’t get too optimistic.

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Snooki has written a book.  Putting her in that exclusive fraternity with folks like George W. Bush and Sarah Palin, who wrote a book before they read one.. 

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From Bill Littlejohn:  There is now a video game in which you can play a round of golf at Augusta National Golf Club.If you log in that you’re a woman, the game includes angry stares and catcalls from club members”

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Orange you glad….?

January 4, 2011

If you bet Stanford in the Orange Bowl.  Fuzzy picture of trophy ceremony below.

Virginia Tech fans generally left after the third quarter. Guess they no longer had a dog in the fight.

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The score was 13-12 at halftime.   I want a copy of whatever speech Harbaugh gave Stanford at halftime.

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Maroon and orange? Did Virginia Tech forgot to show up for college color picking day and end up with the leftovers?

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An anonymous friend asks – “what is a Hokie?”  It might be the card you use to open the door of the motel room you rent by the hour?

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After the game, QB Andrew Luck and coach Jim Harbaugh lobbed Oranges at the other players during the trophy presentation.  Good thing Stanford wasn’t in the Little Caesars Pizza Bowl or the Hyundai Sun Bowl.

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ESPN.com headline:  Lakers have issues to address. With all due respect, that’s been true for a while. But now they have issues to address on the court.

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Inspired by a  joke from Patrick Wyatt:

The difference between the Big Ten and cornflakes? Cornflakes don’t fall apart as soon as they get in a bowl.

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If Harbaugh wants the NFL then he should try the 49ers job. If he wants to stay in college, what’s the point of moving? He’s proven he can recruit a top 10 class where he is. And besides, at Stanford when they give the concussion test – “How many fingers am I holding up?” – the response isn’t “Ah, coach, I’m not great at math.”

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Two massage therapists are now also claiming they were harrassed by Brett Favre.  Will it never end?  Let’s hope neither of them refers to him as a “crazed sex poodle.”

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How can we miss you if you won’t go away?

January 3, 2011

 Wonder now that it looks like Brett Favre might actually finally be retiring if anyone will make a movie about his NFL career. They would need to choose a title though, as “The Long Goodbye” is already taken.

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So the Seattle Seahawks make the playoffs with a 7-9 record. But maybe we shouldn’t be surprised, at USC Pete Carroll had a long history of making it to the post-season with relatively mediocre paid talent.

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The NFL actually was hoping the St. Louis Rams would win today and save the league the embarassment of having such a lousy team in the postseason.  If this sort of thing keeps up people will start comparing them to the BCS.

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Even scarier to 49ers fans…. as lousy as the team looked, they were only one win away from the playoffs. 

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Regarding Ohio State’s president complaining about other schools playing “the little sisters of the poor.”. Did it occur to him the Big Ten might BE the “little sisters of the poor.?”

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Or as Gary Morton sent in, maybe they can call the new divisions, “Little Sisters” and “Poor.”

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Actually, this just in “the little sisters of the poor” are favored in their Big Ten opener next year.

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 Joe Paterno, 84, says he intends to keep recruiting at Penn State, which means he will be talking to high school students who will be seniors when he turns 90. Joe has, however, adapted with the times. While he’s not big on the internet he no longer sends out scholarships by Pony Express.

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Oklahoma’s 48-20 victory over Connecticut  in the Fiesta on Saturday drew only a 6.7 percent ranking (of all homes with televisions tuned into the game.)  This was lower even than some regular college games.   Since it was January 1, wonder how many of those televisions were from viewers who fell asleep in their living rooms after a late night and then the Rose Bowl?

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A week after a blizzard struck New York City, the snow is melting and the trash piles are growing. New Yorkers say they haven’t seen so much useless garbage in one place since last year’s Mets opening day.

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Big Ten and out?

January 2, 2011

 Lebron James says he doesn’t know yet if he will participate in the NBA’s All Star Game slam dunk contest. I guess he’s waiting for ESPN to offer him at least a half hour time-slot to announce his decision.

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The only good news for the Big 10 on New Year’s Day? None of their teams qualified for the Fiesta Bowl.

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Forget “Leaders” and “Legends” for the two new Big 10 divisions.  After today more appropriate names might be “Bad” and “Worse.”

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Fortunately for Big Ten fans there are no more bowl games this year except for Arkansas-OSU on Tuesday. In the meantime, however, true connoisseurs of really bad meaningful football games can tune into the Rams-Seahawks on Sunday.

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But really, is there something in the Big Ten football charter that says there’s something wrong with actually showing up on New Year’s Day? (My friend Jerry Perisho is beginning to wonder if these teams are playing their junior varsity?)

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That music you hear coming from the sky today at the Gator Bowl in Jacksonville is Don Meredith singing to Rich Rodriguez, “turn out the lights, the party’s over.”

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Although in the Rose Bowl, TCU was completely unable to stop the Wisconsin running game in the past few minutes. So the Badgers were able to march down the field and score a touchdown to pull within 21-19.  And for the two-point conversion, the Badgers THREW THE BALL?  (incomplete)

Somewhere Woody Hayes is pinwheeling in his grave.

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Since Times Square officials nixed her planned ball drop, Snooki from “Jersey Shore” celebrated New Year’s Eve by being dropped in a ball in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. Apparently this was made possible by Snooki’s local fame, the cooperation of local officials, and the fact New Jersey has no real littering laws.

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Newly hired head coach Mike Haywood has been fired from the University of Pittsburgh job, after he was arrested and charged with domestic violence.

Guess his tenure will go down in history along with the George O’Leary era at Notre Dame.

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According to Entertainment Weekly, 20th Century Fox has vetoed a proposed script for the planned “24” movie. But Kiefer Sutherland is still hoping to work things out with prospective producers. The meeting would take place between 1:00 and 2:00pm.

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Apparently Jon Huntsman, Obama’s ambassador to China and the former Governor of Utah, is considering a run for president in 2012. Since Mitt Rommey has already basically declared, political junkies can look forward to a rare but potentially amusing occurence – Mormon smackdown.

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New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is all about cost-cutting and reducing government spending. So what happens when his state gets covered in snow? When he gets back from a family trip to Disney World Christie asks for money from FEMA to help cover storm cleanup costs.

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Goodbye 2010….

January 1, 2011

Happy 2011. We can only imagine, what public figures will contribute to our amusement in the next twelve months? Seriously, on New Year’s Eve 2009-10, could anyone have imagined just how much fun we would have with Tiger Woods, Brett Favre and Lebron James? And no one had even HEARD of Christine O’Donnell.

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Earlier this week, Michigan QB Tate Forcier gave an interview to the Detroit Free Press, saying “I’ve never been the greatest student.” But, he added “you really have to try to flunk out here. All you have to do is go to class, it’s not that hard.” This morning Forcier was declared academically ineligible.

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Tennessee lost to North Carolina, Georgia lost to the University of Central Florida, and South Carolina is losing 13-3 at halftime to Florida State after four turnovers. Maybe we should rename the SEC the SOC – Southern Overrated Conference?

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Or possibly the “Swollen Egos Conference?”

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Part of the pre-game tradition at the Chik-Fil-A bowl is parachuting cows. Is this a great country or what?

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Georgia’s bulldog mascot UGA VIII missed the trip to the Liberty Bowl with a “gastro-intestinal” decision. Or maybe he was just sick at the thought of watching the now 6-7 Bulldogs play ANOTHER lousy game. (They lost to UCF 10-6)

And congrats again to the Stanford women for ending UConn’s 90 game basketball winning streak. Wonder if President Obama called coach Tara Vanderveer to congratulate her.  And wonder if Tara asked if Obama’s lovely, smart, and at least 5’9″ 12 year old daughter might be interested in a casual visit to Palo Alto?

The above is Malia in November standing next to her 6’2″” dad.

And this thought, not originally mine but I don’t remember where I heard it. The ultimate New Year’s Eve toast….may your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.

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Finally a thought for the “Hope Springs Eternal” crowd.  So, the Saints were a great story, but a year ago at this time they did have one of the best records in the NFL.   How many people on New Year’s Eve 2010 said, “okay, this is it, this is the year the San Francisco Giants win it all?

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The streak is dead, long live the streak.

December 31, 2010

Stanford women’s basketball winning streak – three.   UConn – zero.

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Stanford 71 – UConn 59. Washington 19 – Nebraska 7. Looks like a lot of people Thursday night bet on the wrong Huskies. 

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But kudos to both teams on this one….  Watching Stanford-UConn women’s basketball game. Two of the best basketball programs in the country….and no starter on either team has been arrested or suspended for academic reasons. What a concept

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Ohio State coach Jim Tressel said he would have have taken his five suspended players to the Sugar Bowl if they had not pledged to return in 2011. And why should the coach doubt their word? If any of the players, including QB Terrelle Pryor, decide to declare for the draft, Tressel can always suspend them.

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Ohio State tops the nation in spending on their collegiate football program, spending $31.7 million this year alone. Yeah, can’t imagine how those five suspended Buckeye players could have gotten the idea that the game was all about money….

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The fine for Brett Favre over the Jenn Sterger sexting allegations: $50,000. The fine for the Jets for their coach’s misbehavior in the Dolphins game: $100,000. Translation, if you’re thinking of doing something naughty on the sideline, don’t trip someone, send them dirty pictures, it’s cheaper.

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ESPN announcers are saying what a great job North Carolina Coach Butch Davis has done because he had 35 players lost for at least part of the season due to suspension or injury, and 14 players lost to “NCAA allegations.” Well, I am not sure “great job” is the phrase I would use but Davis is certainly running an NFL ready program.

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How bad was New York City’s response to the latest blizzard? Rumor has it that former President George W. Bush called up the mayor to say “Bloomie, you’re doing a helluva job.”

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The storm was bad, the city’s response may have been worse. In fact, this may go down as the least effective attempt to clean up a mess in New York since the Mets hired Jerry Manuel.

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Fans of Sarah Palin’s “Alaska” will now be able to purchase a two-disc set that includes all seven episodes of the show. For some reason, however, the discs stop playing after episode four.

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Augie wonders, why did the NFL spend all that money on a forensic specialist to verify if the pictures were indeed of Brett Favre’s junk?  They could have just asked his wife.

(Of course, it’s possible Brett was so focused on his extra-curricular activities, Deanna doesn’t remember.)

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Various junk….

December 30, 2010

San Francisco 49ers’ owner Jed York said he would spare no expense and search nationwide for a new general manager for the team.  But it appears he will simply promote vice president of player personnel Trent Baalke from down the hall.

Sounds like he spent about as much time searching as O.J. did for the real killer.

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Regarding that $50,000 fine for Brett Favre. The man makes $16 million a year. Which means for the average American, he’s paying about the equivalent of a speeding ticket.

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But really, $50,000 total for inappropriate texts?   This just in, Tiger Woods has dubbed Favre “The Luckiest Man in the World.”

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But okay, you think you have a rough job.  How’d you like to be the forensic analyst who the NFL hired to decide if “beyond a reasonable doubt” those really were pictures of Brett Favre’s junk?

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The Associated Press, says that a “person with knowledge” told them that federal authorities are investigating if Senate Republican candidate Christine O’Donnell used campaign money for her own personal expenses.

The AP hopes to do a followup interview, as soon as they find out on what lilypad their informant now lives.

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While I understand the President’s intent in congratulating the Eagles for taking a chance on ex-felon Michael Vick, I have to wonder, would Obama have made the same call had Vick had a season like say, Alex Smith.

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Andnow, ladies and gentlemen, doing their job to fill in admirably since there are no live late-night joke monologues this week, I give you the NCAA spokesman, this time on the Auburn-Ohio State controversies:

“Money is not a motivator or factor as to why one school would get a particular decision versus another.”

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A man in South Carolina was hit by an SUV while playing a real life game of “Frogger.”

(yes, that old arcade game where you try to jump a frog through lanes of fast moving traffic, only he was playing the frog role.)

The only thing keeping this guy from a guaranteed Darwin award is the fact that the hospital says he will probably live.”

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The Post Office has announced that all new first class stamps will be “Forever” stamps. Is that referring to how long the stamps will last or how long it will take your letters to get there?

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From Gary Morten: This just in, Terrelle Pryor has just signed an endorsement deal with QVC.

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