Archive for the ‘baseball jokes’ category
July 18, 2012
Kris Humphries signed a two-year deal to stay with the Brooklyn Nets. Leave it to the Kardashians to make the NBA look like a bastion of committed relationships.
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Russell R. Wasendorf Sr. is being investigated for allegedly stealing more than $200 million from customer accounts at Iowa’s Peregrine Financial Group. Wasendorf blames the fraud on “mean spirited” regulators trying to put him out of business. And Bernie Madoff said, “Why didn’t I think of that?”
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The FDA has approved a new diet drug pill for the first time in over a decade. Wonder if the instructions include “Hold steadily and firmly between the lips?”
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Apparently the New York Knicks will let Jeremy Lin go. If Jeremy really loves Manhattan as much as he says, sounds like the real Lin-sanity might have been that offer sheet he signed with Houston.
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Now the rumor again is the Dwight Howard may be heading to the Los Angeles Lakers. This trade process has lasted longer than most NBA players’ college careers.
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So Jeremy’s signed with the Houston Rockets. In New York terms – “I’m mov-Lin out?
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Latest GOP anti-Obama ad is about ‘crony-capitalism’ alleging the President gave preferential treatment to companies run or invested in by donors. Uh, where was this outrage with say, Enron or Halliburton?
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But really? Crony capitalism?” Isn’t it supposed to be “crony socialism?”-
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Senator John McCain said Mitt Romney’s tax returns had nothing to do with his decision on choosing a running mate, saying he chose Sarah Palin because she was a “better candidate.” Guess he could be right.
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Delta Airlines still trying to explain the needles in their sandwiches. Ryan Air would have charged extra for the sewing kit.
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Needles on a plane? Or at least in your sandwiches. Moral of story, beware of airline snacks that promise sharp cheese.
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From Bill Littlejohn: “An artist made an amazing sand sculpture of Fenway Park–it included Bobby Valentine burying his head in it”
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Disgraced former congressman Anthony Weiner apparently is thinking of running for mayor of New York. He allegedly already has donations, from the first SuperPAC founded and run by comedy writers.
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This week is SEC media days. Where at Arkansas they have to deal with the sudden departure of football coach Bobby Petrino following a midnight motorcycle crash with his mistress. The Razorbacks motto this year? “At least we aren’t Penn State.”
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Well, we now know the 2012 Tour de France is really in full swing. A rider (Frank Schleck of Luxembourg) has failed a doping test.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Delta needle jokes, NBA jokes, needles on planes jokes, Penn State jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
July 17, 2012
Another day, another sports DUI arrest. (Today the NFL Seahawks’ Marshawn Lynch.) Maybe teams should start adding “doing your own driving” to prohibited activities like spelunking and skydiving.
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NY Police reportedly say that Jason Kidd was so drunk when HE was arrested he didn’t even know how he had crashed his car. Kidd was signed to be a mentor to Jeremy Lin – Uh, maybe to give him advice like “Dude, when you’re hammered, call a taxi?”
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From Maaj “Jason Kidd got a DWI. He tried to pass the sobriety test but it got picked off.”
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Joe Paterno’s family is denying the Louis Freeh report’s findings. Sounds like denial is genetic.
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Interesting. Many of the people who said that Joe Paterno was NOT getting doddering and senile, are now defending him by saying he was….
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The President and Vice President attended tonight’s exhibition game between the U.S. and Brazil. Team USA had to rally from an early 10 point deficit to win 80-69. Just as well, otherwise the GOP would have one more thing for which to blame Obama.
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Kudos to Susan Collins of Maine just cast her 5000th consecutive vote. (Third longest ever.). As one of the few moderates in the Senate, Collins often has to be one of the deciding votes on close bills. So this ought to silence (again) those who believe women don’t have the stomach for tough politics.
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Cincinnati star Joey Votto will have surgery on a torn meniscus, and will be out 3-4 weeks. The injury was sustained June 29, when the Reds were playing….San Francisco. Yep, the Giants broke ANOTHER player.
(Oscar B. says, “how long until an MLB investigation?”)
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Target is now stocking new same-sex marriage along with tradtional marriage cards. Very cool. The company is embracing tolerance, or at least LGBT buying power.
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Nadia Lockyer resigned in April her Alameda County, California, board of supervisor’s position after a drug/sex scandal. Today state treasurer Bill Lockyer has filed for divorce. And who saw this coming?
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Donald J. Sobol, 87, has passed away. He authored the Encyclopedia Brown series. Wonder how many clues mourners will have to find to make it to his funeral.
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Lindsay Lohan’s dad is going to have another child with his sometimes girlfriend Kate Major. It’s times like these that you wish the requirements to become a parent were at least as strict as adopting a pet from the Humane Society.
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Golden State Warriors center is apparently being investigating in his home country of Latvia for alleged income tax evasion. Well, that’s a change. An NBA player evading taxes? Usually it’s child support.
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Tim Pawlenty for Romney’s V.P.? Well, maybe they figured Pawlenty was one of the few people who could make Romney look like “Mr. Excitement.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Jason Kidd jokes, Joe Paterno jokes, NFL jokes, sports DUI arrest
Comments: 3 Comments
July 16, 2012
The Dwight Howard potential trade mess drags on, and on…. At this point Howard might have a better reputation if he had just made a decision and announced it on an ESPN special.
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As #Retroactive retirement now becomes part of the controversy over when exactly Mitt Romney left Bain, some GOP leaders have to be thinking “Wait a minute, John McCain was supposed to be the candidate with the memory problem.”
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Actually is it too soon to nominate “retroactive retirement” as the phrase of the year?
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With all this discussion as to whether or not Penn State’s football program should at least temporarily receive the “Death Penalty,” here’s a question – if it had been a school without the national reputation and bowl records, would this even be a debate?
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On the first pitch of Sundays SF Giants Houston Astros game, Jordan Schafer tried to bunt to break up Cain’s perfect game.
(he bunted foul, and ended up making an out, but Cain gave up a hit in the third.)
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A 3-year-old Indiana boy apparently accidentally shot and killed his father after finding the man’s loaded handgun. Stand by for the NRA’s announcement – “Guns don’t kill people, toddlers kill people.”
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Mitt Romney released a negative ad against President Obama accusing him of negativity. Standby for the next Obama ad accusing Romney of going negative in response to their criticism, and then the next negative Romney ad in response to that…. (Sometimes it’s nice not to live in a swing state.)
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Looks like Jeremy Lin is heading to Houston. Standby for “Y’aLL-insanity.”
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Jason Kidd arrested for DUI after crashing his car into a light pole last night. Over-under on the number of “driving the lane” jokes this week?
(From Marty Burtwell, “he had one too many triple-doubles.”)
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Rolling Stones celebrated their 50th anniversary last week. With perhaps a rousing chorus of “You Can’t Always Remember What You Want?”
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Actress Celeste Holm has passed away at the age of 95. This is shocking. Celeste Holm was still alive?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: dwight howard jokes, Jason Kidd jokes, Penn State jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
July 15, 2012
Penn State at this point says they will not take down the Joe Paterno statue. Makes a certain amount of sense. The statue isn’t any guiltier than Joe-Pa was of doing nothing to stop Jerry Sandusky.
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So now Jeremy Lin, who Knicks coach Mike Woodsen said last week would be New York’s starting point guard, may end up in Houston. Or maybe the Knicks are just playing hard to get. Anyone else find all this drama more interesting than the NBA regular season?
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The SF Giants may not have bounties but they are breaking more opposing players than the New Orleans Saints. (Saturday night, the Houston Astros’ Jed Lowrie with an ankle strain.)
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Nice job for Tim Lincecum tonight (even if a freak play-wild pitch on a strikeout plus an error – allowed tying run to score from second cost him a win). Who needs a Triple A “rehab” start when you can play the Houston Astros.
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Fed up with an unusually rainy several months, the London Times declared in a recent editorial: “Let us make our position crystal clear: We are against this weather.” Hey, if it works maybe we should try this in the US.
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The New York Yankees have the best record in baseball, and the most home runs. But they no doubt will grab a couple more stars at the trade deadline. The team stockpiles players like some women buy shoes.
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Mitt Romney is saying that Obama ads about his time at Bain “beneath the dignity of the president and his campaign.” Guess he thinks such ads should be left to “nonprofit” Super PACS?
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Penn State has announced plans to renovate their football locker room shower room after the Sandusky scandal. Dynamite would be a good start.
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Ah technology. If you waitlist an upgrade on United Airlines these days, and change the flight, the waitlist automatically stays in for the ORIGINAL flight. So you can be confirmed in first or business flight on a plane you are no longer taking. What could possibly go wrong….
(for starters, the computer can cancel your new flight and put you back on the flight you changed from, even if you paid the penalty to reissue the ticket….)
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Jeremy Lin jokes, Joe Paterno jokes, Penn State jokes
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July 13, 2012
Pretty scathing report out of Penn State. They didn’t even try to transfer Sandusky to a different parish.
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One of the more disgusting sidelights of this Penn State scandal: The university had no problem keeping Sandusky around and protecting Paterno etc.. But had the team had several seasons in a row without a bowl bid, PSU would have fired them all and changed the locks.
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A paraphrase of a great line in a novel – who is my first reader to get the reference? “You can go to the showers, Jerry. That was what evil was – – as easy at that! But afterwards you went on remembering…”
(Hint, only substituted words are “showers”, “Jerry”, and “evil”)
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All kidding aside the best single line to sum up the Penn State fiasco might be from an 18th century Irishman, Edmund Burke: “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”
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Apparently in the UK, women trying to make their own fake Christian Louboutins, have caused sales of glossy red paint to soar. (Yes, I am aware this post is Greek to most men. Figured I’d write one for my women friends who don’t like sports and have said they have no idea what I am talking about sometimes.)
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Politicians will be barred from speaking at this year’s commemoration ceremony on the anniversary of the 2001 terror attacks, according to the National September 11 Memorial and Museum. Wonder how many people will tune in to see if Rudy Guiliani explodes.
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Mitt Romney hasn’t blamed President Obama yet for the U.S. Olympic team uniforms being made in China. Has he been too busy? Or does he remember that when he organized the 2002 games the uniforms were made by Roots? A company from Canada.
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Very un- PC department – but T.C., who dared me to post this, is Asian-Canadian:
The U.S Congress is fuming that the official US Olympic Uniforms were made in China. Berets, blazers and pants could have been made by local textile industries who are struggling. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev said they should be put into a big pile and set on fire. No argument here – who wants to wear gear that says “United States of Amellica” and “Lalph Rauren”?
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Steven Tyler says he is leaving American Idol to go back to his music : “I strayed from my first love, Aerosmith, and I’m back — but instead of begging on my hands and knees, I got two fists in the air and I’m kicking the door open with my band.” Uh, at this point more like banging the door open with his walker.
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Kobe Bryant says this year’s USA Olympic basketball team could’ve beaten the 1992 Dream Team. Really? I’m not sure this year’s team can even beat Spain.
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A D.C. motorcycle officer who was a White House escort has been reassigned to desk duties after he made a “bad joke” about shooting Michelle Obama with a picture of a gun on his cellphone. The Secret Service says now it was not a real threat. Good thing. But sounds like the guy is too stupid to be on the streets anyway.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: American Idol jokes, Janice Hough, Joe Paterno jokeso, Penn State jokes, Sandusky jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 12, 2012
Rush Limbaugh today said that Mitt Romney speaking before the NAACP “sounded like Snow White with testicles.” “Snow White with testicles?” Uh, doesn’t that put a less than family values spin on her living with those seven little men?
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Steve Nash is now a Laker. Hoping finally to be the first player to end his championship drought the same year he is eligible for Medicare.
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Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho lost a $750,000 a year endorsement contract with Coca-Cola when he was seen drinking a Pepsi at a press conference. I do see, however, some potential for a serious new advertising campaign with Pepsi.
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Negotiations between Brooklyn and Orlando to have Dwight Howard leave the Magic for the Nets have apparently fallen through. Jeez. The Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes split was accomplished with less drama.
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Marion Cunningham, who rewrote the much loved “Fannie Farmer” cookbook, died today at 90. Said most Americans under 25. What’s a cookbook? Is there an App for that?
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American Airlines is reportedly trying to merger with JetBlue. Great, just what we need, more lousy American service while you sit on the tarmac on a delayed JetBlue plane.
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The settlement of a strike by Norwegian oil workers has caused gas prices to drop sharply. Dick Cheney has called for the invasion of Norway.
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So Mitt Romney got himself media coverage by telling the NAACP he would repeal Obamacare. Maybe time for President Obama to speak in front of the “National Organization for Marriage” trumping his support for same-sex unions.
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Nascar driver AJ Allmendinger tested positive for a stimulant His spokesperson said AJ “has no idea why the first test was positive, and he has never knowingly taken any prohibited substance.” Who said race car drivers aren’t real athletes?
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Mitt Romney today to the NAACP -“I believe that if you understood who I truly am in my heart, and if it were possible to fully communicate what I believe…” I’m not even sure anymore that Mitt himself knows who he truly is and what he believes.
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Comic-Con starts tomorrow in San Diego. And they have announced that this year strollers will not be allowed in the programming rooms. Shocking! Comic-Con attendees reproduce?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: dwight howard jokes, Janice Hough, PED jokes, Romney jokes, Rush Limbaugh jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
July 10, 2012
“Well-stuffed” – referring to the job San Francisco fans did with the ballot box.
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That deafening silence you heard after the top of the All-Star game five run top of the first inning was coming from Mets fans who wanted Wright to start the All-Star game.
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After tonight, SF Giants batters have to be petitioning MLB for permission to wear orange spikes during regular season.
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Says Gary M. “About 1/2-way through tonight’s All-Star game, Bryce Harper asked Melky Cabrera, “How much for those clown shoes, bro?”
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Back to the regular season…. Phil Mickelson apparently part of a group planning to buy the San Diego Padres. Anyone ever told Phil that on a baseball diamond low scores are not necessarily a good thing?
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If Giants fans had started stuffing the ballot box sooner the AL might not have had that seven game All-Star winning streak.
How long until the New York Yankees tell MLB Commissioner Bud Selig this All-Star game determining home field advantage stuff is not acceptable.
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Former PSU pres. Graham Spanier told university investigators that he was never told that Jerry Sandusky was seen molesting a boy in a school shower. Ah for the good old days of being a scumbag. It was so much easier to burn notes than to erase emails….
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United Airlines today announced that they will reinstate their San Francisco to Paris nonstop in April 2013. Tomorrow they will announce that all frequent flyer free and upgraded tickets on that route are full.
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The GOP has a very different problem from 2008. Then they had a presidential candidate who couldn’t remember. Now they have one who hopes that we can’t remember.
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A yoga teacher with a cellphone ban in class was fired from Facebook after making an employee turn the phone off during one of her classes. Guess the employee just HAD to update her status to “I’m feeling really relaxed learning yoga.”
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Texas Governor Rick Perry compared Medicaid to the Titanic. Interesting that Perry picked as a metaphor one of the only things in history that sunk faster than his Presidential campaign.
From Marc Ragovin: Mitt Romney’s advisers say that his Swiss and Cayman Islands bank accounts are all part of his longstanding practice of investing globally. Hence his new campaign slogan: Putting America Somewhere Between First and Sixth.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: All-Star Game jokes, All-Star jokes, Ballot Box Stuffing jokes, Giants jokes, Janice Hough, Mitt Romney jokes, San Francisco Giants jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
July 9, 2012
We’re currently in the Major League Baseball All Star break. The only three days between April and September when Cubs fans KNOW their team won’t disappoint them.
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Robinson Cano, last year’s Home Run Derby winner, hit zero home runs today. What is Cano trying to do, get traded to the San Francisco Giants?
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Adam Lambert is reportedly in talks to become a judge on American Idol. The biggest hangup, having him on the show might create a “who’s prettier” tension with Ryan Seacrest.
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One happy Monday thought: If you can read this post your computer hasn’t been compromised by the DNSChanger malware.
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The Katie Holmes-Tom Cruise divorce has been finalized, in less than two weeks. With damage control talent like this Cruise clearly has a future in politics.
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Worst thing for SF Giants fans about today’s Home Run Derby. Prince Fielder’s win today isn’t going to make it any easier for the team to convince Pablo Sandoval he needs to lose weight.
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You cannot make this “stuff” up: Eagles RB Dion Lewis was arrested when, allegedly intoxicated, he pulled the fire alarm after locking himself out of his hotel in New York. Lewis was in town to speak at the Troy Boys & Girls Club about “things like how to make better choices.” (The talk has been rescheduled.)
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Not a fan of cheating, but regarding all this controversy now over Lance Armstrong and doping, do any cycling fans think ANYONE was clean during his era?
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Reggie Jackson, who is a “Yankees special assistant” has been told to stay away from team events indefinitely after his comments about A-Rod etc. But really, hiring Reggie and expecting him not to say anything controversial? Who’s the team’s next managerial prospect – Ozzie Guillen?
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As the GOP dismisses talk about Romney’s Swiss bank accounts, along with his holdings in the Cayman Islands and Bermuda, have to wonder, what would they be saying if Obama had money overseas, even small accounts in Kenya or Indonesia?
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-Hope Solo has received a USADA warning after testing positive for Canrenone. She says it was an “honest mistake” with “a medication prescribed by my personal doctor for pre-menstrual purposes that I did not know contained a diuretic” Wonder how long it will take some baseball player to use the same excuse?.
(As my friend Tony Alan Banks says : “Manny’s just sorry he didn’t think of this.”)
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From Bill Littlejohn: “Andy Murray and Great Britain were unable to break a 76-year Wimbledon men’s singles title drought. So, back in 1936, did someone bring a billy goat to Centre Court?”
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The headline reads “Three gored on the third day running of the bulls.” Should read “Three miss in valiant attempts for Darwin award.”
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Women just do not get it with this running of the bulls stuff. I mean, for us there’s got to be a purpose for that kind of mad dash where you’re likely to be trampled…. like a REALLY good Black Friday sale.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: All-Star Game jokes, home run derby jokes, Janice Hough, Reggie Jackson jokes, Running of the bulls jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
July 8, 2012
The Yankees’ Mark Texiera has accused Red Sox reliever Vincente Padilla of headhunting. Padilla’s response “I think, maybe (he) picked the wrong profession. I think he’d be better off playing a women’s sport. Guessing Padilla has never watched women’s rugby or roller derby.
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For that matter, Nordstrom’s has just asked Texiera if he’d like to attend opening day of their next shoe sale.
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Ernest Borgnine has passed away at the age of 95. You might have been a teenager in the 70s if you think maybe in heaven he’s already swimming again with Shelley Winters.
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A concert in Pyongyang for new leader Kim Jong Un featured performers dressed as Mickey Mouse, Tigger and other Disney characters. Does this signal a softening in North Korean relations with the West? Or is it just a step towards using “It’s a Small World” as a torture device.
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Donald Trump will be recognized as the 2012 Statesman of the Year by the Sarasota, FL, Republican Party next month. No, this is not from the Onion.
-Wimbledon mens final Sunday was at 2p London time: The response in the US ? “Let’s see if Andy Murray can win for the UK – 10%; “Let’s see if Switzerlands’s Roger Federer can win his 7th title – 10%; “There’s no American involved, screw it, I’m sleeping in.” – 80%.
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George Zimmerman is reportedly in a “safe house” in Florida. Presumably his security team also brings him things like iced tea and Skittles.
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John Boehner recently said the American people “probably aren’t going to fall in love with Mitt Romney.” True dat. Heck, Boehner himself may not shed a tear if Romney loses in November.
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Is there some rule that Yankees-Red Sox games must go at least 3 1/2 hours?
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A live political debate in Jordan ended when one of the participants pulled out a gun. Well, that would be one way to increase television ratings for debates in the U.S.
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At the first day’s running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain, one man was gored, and another was dragged by a bull. According to CNN, the dragged runner was from Japan, and their “gender was not immediately released.” Uh, let me guess.
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Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are apparently negotiating a divorce settlement instead of going to court. Translation, they’re trying to figure out a number high enough for Katie to keep her mouth shut.
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Vikings RB Adrian Peterson was arrested Saturday night on a resisting arrest charge. Yet another NFL player wanting a trade to the Bengals?
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Be careful what you wish for department: Have to wonder, did anyone connected with the San Diego Fireworks fizzle say they thought their show should be the most watched in the country? If so, they did at least get their wish – over 4 million Youtube views now alone!
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Tom Cruise jokes, Vincente Padilla jokes, Wimbledon jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 7, 2012
Ray Allen is going to Miami. Another example of “If you cannot B’Heat ‘Em, Join ‘Em”
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If this keeps up even the Los Angeles Lakers will see warm and cuddly by comparison.
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Apparently the U.S. Government’s anti-mermaid statement – “No evidence of aquatic human aquatic humanoids has ever been found” was prompted by an Animal Planet show on mermaids. What’s next, an anti-talking teddy bear statement prompted by the movie “Ted?”
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Justin Bieber was cited for speeding on a Los Angeles area freeway Friday. Shocking! Bieber is old enough to drive?
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That darn liberal math thing strikes again: Five-term congressman Thaddeus McCotter (R-Mich.) is resigning from Congress after his office failed to submit enough valid signatures to qualify for the Republican primary ballot. (He submitted 2,000, needed 1,000, but apparently only 200-300 were valid.)
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Apparently one surprising name on Mitt Romney’s V.P. list is Meg Whitman. Because nothing says you’ll fight wasteful government spending like teaming with a woman who spent $160 million to lose her race for Governor in California?
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Brad Pitt’s mother wrote a letter to her local newspaper, urging people to vote for Mitt Romney because President Obama is a “liberal who supports the killing of unborn babies and same-sex marriage.” Well, maybe this is why Angelina never wanted to get married –that future mother-in-law.
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Mitt Romney said the recent anemic job figures were “a kick in the gut.” And to his GOP friends in Congress he added “Keep kicking.”
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Mark Rickis added “I just saw a picture of a banner that states “New Hampshire Stands With Mitt Romney”. Does that mean that somebody knows where Mitt stands?”
(The banner makes sense in a way though, because most of those banners, and thus statements are “blowin’ in the wind.”
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George Zimmerman has posted $1 million bail and has been released from jail. If he’s out walking around though, isn’t it reasonable that people might find him threatening?
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Snookie apparently reacted to seeing her fetus on an ultrasound: “Eww… I’m gonna throw up! Said her unborn son “Back at ya, mom.”
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TSA is now doing random screens at the gate of beverages purchased AFTER passengers go through security. Wonder what the point is? The pilots prefer not to mix their cocktails until after they board.
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Avis now allows their renters to rent portable Wi-Fi hotspots in the U.K. Just what we need, Americans trying to drive on the wrong side of the road while playing with their smartphones….
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Justin Bieber jokes, Romney flip flop jokes, Romney jokes, Ted jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 6, 2012
The best thing about a July 4th week with two Mondays, is that it also has two Fridays.
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The Giants’ Aubrey Huff, hitting .155 and on the DL since June 13 with a sprained right knee, may have reinjured the knee during a rehab stint in San Jose. Wonder if Bruce Bochy sent someone to trip him?
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Mitt Romney raised about $100 million in June. Or as his billionaire backers call it – “pocket change.”
(Or as my friend Tony Alan Banks says – chump change?”)
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According to his brother, Alec Baldwin may indeed run for mayor of New York in 2014. Now that could mean a political debate worth watching – wonder how many rounds it might go?
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An alleged childhood abuse victim who admitted he punched the 67 year old Catholic priest who he said raped him, was found “not guilty” of felony assault and elder abuse. If convicted, prosecuters would have moved that he be placed in a cell with Jerry Sandusky.
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Google announced they are phasing out their iGoogle customization service. Wonder if Apple threatened them with an iLawsuit?
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Freddy Sanchez has had back surgery. Certainly ending any hopes of playing this season, and probably ending his career as a San Francisco Giant. “I’m shocked,” said absolutely no one.
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Bud Selig said that because attendance is up for MLB, there’s no need for instant replay. Uh, Bud, if baseball teams had a bench-clearing brawl per game attendance would probably go up further. Should we start encouraging those?
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Kansas City hasn’t been back to the playoffs since they won the 1985 World Series. This year, the city hosts the All-Star game, and ESPN has been interviewing frustrated Royals fans. Who are saying things like “Every year, they say this is going to be the year. And every year, this is not the case.” “Oh, STFU” responded Cubs fans.
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David Ortiz is still bitter about his contract with the Boston Red Sox, saying the teams’s offer of arbitration and resulting 1 year $14.5 million deal were “humiliating” and “embarrassing.” Really? $14.5 million?! Even Mitt Romney is calling Big Papi out of touch.
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Kobe Bryant wooed Steve Nash to Phoenix, LeBron James and Chris Paul are both working on Ray Allen. This isn’t an offseason, it’s the NBA version of “The Bachelor.”
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Due to a “computer malfuction,” San Diego’s fireworks show last night lasted all 15 seconds. The men behind it immediately apologized – “That’s never happened to us before.”
(or as Michael Duca says “pyromature …..”
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Ann Romney says her husband is looking at women as potential running mates. I think I speak for many Americans when I say, why not Sarah Palin again? (Of course, those Americans are all either Democrats or comedy writers.)
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Apple jokes, ESPN jokes, Janice Hough, MLB jokes, San Diego fireworks jokes, Sandusky jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
July 5, 2012
Parties, late-night fireworks, lots of eating and drinking…. July 5 ought to set new records for low worker productivity.
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-Newly-signed Miami Dolphins WR Chad Ochocinco just told a reporter he plans to play until he’s 40 years old. Not sure how NFL fans feel about this, but comedy writers are thrilled.
When he’s 40, will Ochocinco change his name to “cuarenta?”
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The iPad mini-pad is apparently coming out later this year. What’s next, the iPad panty liner?
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Mitt Romney, contradicting his own campaign, now says he believes the individual mandate is a tax. To be fair, Mitt IS 65. Maybe he doesn’t remember what he called it as Governor of Massachusetts.
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Got to love this, New York Mayor Bloomberg on hand to present the trophies to the winners of today’s Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest. Presumably taking time out from his crusade to ban large sugary drinks.
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SF Giants flew out a day early to D.C. to acclimate to the humidity for their series with the Washington Nationals this week. After game two thinking they should have just stayed home and enjoyed California weather.
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Steve Nash has been traded to the Los Angeles Lakers. Darn, this means I have to star rooting for Kobe.
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Apparently Kobe Bryant really wanted Nash to join the Lakers. Guess he wanted SOMEONE who would make him look young and vigorous by comparison.
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Michigan Gov. Rick Snyder just vetoed two controversial voter ID bills passed by his fellow Republicans. saying ” the measures could create “voter confusion among absentee voters.” And the bill’s proponents are thinking angrily “Well, duh, that was part of the point.
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-This would be funnier if it weren’t so sad: Chris Collins, a congressional candidate in New York campaigning against Obamacare said: “People now don’t die from prostate cancer, breast cancer and some of the other things.”
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Scott Brown ran for office against Obamacare, and has voted to repeal it. But the Senator is insuring his own daughter, 23, with the under-26 provision. Gosh, a GOP hypocrite from Massachusetts, who’d a thunk it?
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Sports fans around the world are still buzzing from Spain’ s 4-0 victory over Italy in the Euro Cup finals.
From T.C. “Three points were awarded when a Spaniard’s kick sailed over the crossbar.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bloomberg jokes, Lakers jokes, Ochicinco jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
July 4, 2012
Chuck E. Cheese is planning to do a major revamp of their mascot into a hipper rodent rock star with an electric guitar. Maybe they’d be better off to spend the money revamping their pizza?
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California congressman “Pete” Stark told reporters today he’s not likely to debate his opponent this fall because “we’d only get stupid questions like you’re asking.” Is Stark running for re-election, or aspiring to be Governor of New Jersey?
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Suspended New Orleans Saints coach Sean Payton and his wife have filed for divorce. Wonder if she couldn’t face the idea of him around the house for a year.
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Tuesday was the official weigh-in for New York’s annual July Fourth hot dog eating contest – one sport where Americans still can claim world domination.
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The forecast in San Francisco for July 4 is for cool weather and fog that may unfortunately obscure fireworks. “Oh STFU” said residents of most of the midwest and east coast.
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No one but Tony La Russa really knows if he left Cincinnati’s Johnny Cueto or Brandon Phillips because of a 2010 brawl between the Reds and the Cardinals. But remember this, La Russa is a man who intentionally walked Barry Bonds… in spring training.
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Salon reports that a “source” says Justice John Roberts not only authored the majority opinion upholding Obamacare, but also much of the dissent. If true, who does Roberts think he is? Mitt Romney?
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Mets general manager Sandy Alderson sent out this tweet today: “Wright vs. Sandoval: A city of 8 million was outvoted by a city of 800,000.” Brian Sabean probably should refrain from responding “It’s constitutional, bitches.
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Just wondering New York Mets fans….where was the outrage in 2009 when David Wright was voted to the All-Star team, although Pablo Sandoval had much better numbers?
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From Gary M.: How successful was SF’s get out the vote campaign? Sandoval also won Mexico’s Presidential election, yesterday.
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Michele Bachmann was asked if she was being vetted by the Romney campaign as a running mate. Her response: “Whoever it is that he chooses to bring in as his V.P., it will be a highly competent person who could step in at a moment’s notice and assume the responsibilities of the White House.” If true, she’s not being vetted.
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Nine people were injured in New Hampshire Tuesday night, when a fireworks explosion inside a home set it ablaze. Do newspaper editors have this template ready every July 4 so they can just change the location and details on the injuries?
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NY state rep, Marty Golden, 63. facing a great deal of criticism, cancelled his planned business etiquette event on “posture, deportment and the feminine presence.” where women would learn “sit, stand and walk like a model.” Even Chris Christie had to be thinking Golden is out of touch with women.
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R.I.P. Andy Griffith. You know you might be getting old if you remember he had a show before “Matlock.”
Categories: baseball jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: All Star voting jokes, Fourth of July jokes, hot dog eating jokes, July 4th jokes, New York Mets jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 2, 2012
A All-Star tale of two cities: SF Giants fans stuffed the ballot box and were happy to get three starters on the team. NY Yankees fans got three of their players named to the team and thought “we should have stuffed the ballot box.”
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At this point Buster Posey is likely to end up catching Mets knuckleballer R.A. Dickey. Hmm, maybe it was Yadier Molina and Carlos Ruiz who stuffed the ballot box for him.
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What is the “age of reason?” It might be 33. The age at which all of Tom Cruise’s wives have divorced him.
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The Tour de France started this weekend. Yet another event that most Americans no longer care about now that we have no chance of winning.
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Alec Baldwin married yoga instructor Hilaria Thomas over the weekend. By all accounts it was a lovely wedding. Except when out of habit Alec accidentally punched the photographer.
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New Jersey Governor Chris Christie had a press conference about storm damage, but when a reporter asked a question on a different topic, responded “Did I say on topic? Are you stupid? On topic, on topic. Next question.” If Obama is re-elected, he could make Christie a bi-partisan advisor in charge of heckling.
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Senior Romney adviser Eric Fehrnstrom said today that the Governor agrees, the fee for not having insurance is a penalty and not a tax. After all, that’s what Mitt thought it was when he implemented Obamacare/Romneycare in Massachusetts.
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Anderson Cooper is the latest public figure to come out of the closet. Well, now that Tom Cruise is single…..
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Michael Phelps has dropped the 200 freestyle for London, meaning he will only have a chance for 7 golds at the 2012 Olympics. Slacker.
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A new study has found the more coffee you drink, the more you may be protecting yourself against skin cancer. Well, makes sense, the more time you spend in line at Starbucks the less time you are out in the sun.
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From my friend Rich Lieberman: CONSERVATIVE REMINDER: The government can draft you and force you to serve in war but asking you to buy insurance if you can is overreach.
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First Dwight Howard wanted to be traded, then he wanted to stay with the Orlando Magic, now he wants to be traded again. Even Brett Favre is saying “Dude, make up your mind.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: All-Star Game jokes, All-Star jokes, Janice Hough, Tom Cruise jokes
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July 1, 2012
The wonders of ballot stuffing: Pablo Sandoval named an All-Star starter. Now I love Panda. But the best 3rd baseman in the National League? Some days he’s not even the best 3rd baseman on the SF Giants.
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Maybe three starters voted in does at least confirm the San Francisco Bay Area’s position as the U.S. leader in technology?
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After Rush Limbaugh’s statements on moving over Obamacare there are reports of Costa Rica beefing up their border patrol.
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Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker is requesting federal disaster relief for losses incurred this year by Wisconsin fruit tree growers and maple syrup producers. Some of these GOP Governors deal with the federal government like teenagers with their parents – “get out of my life, but give me money.”
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Florida Governor Rick Scott says the state will not comply with Obamacare. Tough words from a man whose hospital chain was convicted of Medicare fraud and paid a $900 MILLION fine.
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Kevin Garnett, who was considering retirement, has decided to return to the Boston Celtics. “What’s the rush?” said Brett Favre.
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How did Mitt Romney ever get the reputation as an elitist? “I want to make sure that we keep America a place of opportunity, where everyone has a fair shot. They get as much education as they can afford…”
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Boise State has formerly announced their intention to leave the Mountain West Conference. The Broncos hope to join San Diego State in being in the Big East in football and the Big West in other sports. And they wonder why athletes have trouble with geography.
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SF 49ers star rookie Aldon Smith apparently sustained minor injuries when he was stabbed at a party near San Jose. This comes five months after a DUI in Florida. What’s Smith trying to do? Get traded to the Bengals?
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NBC is planning a live broadcast of the musical “The Sound of Music.” And millions of men hearing that said “Honey, that seems like a great night to go shopping.”
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4-0 for Spain over Italy to win the Euro Cup. Four goals, really? Somebody check Kiev’s humidor.
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From my friend Rich Lieberman, (not sure if original or forwarded.) “CONSERVATIVE REMINDER: The government can draft you and force you to serve in war but asking you to buy insurance if you can is overreach.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: All Star voting jokes, All-Star jokes, baseball jokes, Janice Hough
Comments: 2 Comments
June 30, 2012
Forget the Supreme Court healthcare decision, here’s the news that many Americans will really care about: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are apparently divorcing. (I blame Obama.)
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Responded my friend Sonia Mogha “What, I’m moving to Canada.”
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The Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes marriage lasted 5 years. That’s a lifetime in Kardashian years.
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All these people complaining about the cost of Obamacare. Where were they when George W. Bush decided to start a trillion dollar war?
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Now it looks like Penn State officials exchanged emails in ultimately decided not to go to the authorites about Jerry Sandusky in 2001. Even the New Orleans Saints know the Nittany Lions football program is in deep trouble.
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Republicans are already starting attacks on Obamacare. To save money, they’re considering just recycling anti-Romney ads from Massachusetts.
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Mark your calendars for October 3. First presidential debate. Can’t wait to see Mittens discuss constitutionality of Romneycare.
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If a Republican was President, the GOP would be hailing the individual mandate as a way to get Americans to take responsibility for their own healthcare.
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Contrary to popular opinion, the GOP powers-that-be are not that unhappy with Justice John Roberts. In fact they just sent him an invitation for an all-expense-paid hunting trip with Dick Cheney
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-For those distracted by the end of Tom-Kat, Dominique Strauss-Kahn and his wife Anne Sinclair may also have separated, after a year where Strauss-Kahn was first charged with rape, and then with involvement in a prostitution ring. And who saw that coming?
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Never judge a book by its cover: Adorable little girl in the airport lounge playing a video game. Exclamation of joy. Figure it’s something cute. She happily shows me her screen – the game is “Plague” and she’s eradicating the world with a virus.
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Stocks posted a huge rally after news of a Eurozone deal. Beginning to think the most important person in this presidential election may be Angela Merkel.
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from Jim Barach: Attorney General Eric Holder has been held in contempt of Congress. To which most Americans are asking “who isn’t in contempt of Congress?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, John Roberts jokes, Katie Holmes jokes, obamacare jokes, Tom Cruise divorce jokes, Tom Cruise jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 29, 2012
Justice John Roberts just updated his relationship status with the Republican party to “It’s complicated.”
Days like today really make me miss Molly Ivins.
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On an actual rare serious note – Maybe this mattered, maybe it didn’t. But Chief Justice John Roberts has had at least two “grand mal” seizures. If he were a private citizen without employer-paid benefits, without Obamacare Roberts would have a very hard if not impossible time obtaining health insurance.
Patrick Gaspard, the Democratic National Committee executive director, stirred up things this morning with his tweet “It’s constitutional. Bitches.” Well, at least he didn’t say “Vagina.”
Well on some level we’re even. Europeans can’t understand why Americans make such a big deal about healthcare, and Americans can’t understand why Europeans make such a big deal about the Euro Cup.
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Wonder if some of the people screaming about the healthcare decision also think we should revoke mandatory car insurance.
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From Mitt Romney’s website: “As president, Mitt will nominate judges in the mold of Chief Justice Roberts and Justices Scalia, Thomas and Alito.”
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Hillary Clinton just visited her 100th country as Secretary of State; she has spent 337 days on the road since she took the job. No wonder Bill Clinton has been supportive of President Obama lately.
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Blackberry maker RIM has announced they will layoff 5,000 employees and delay their newest operating system. Wonder how many people read the news on their iPhones.
David Beckham, 37, has apparently been left off the British soccer team for the London Olympics. Maybe they got tired of him yelling at his teammates “You punks get off my field.”
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The ex-mistress of Golden State Warriors coach Mark Jackson was arrested for trying to extort money by threatening to reveal naked pictures he had sent her. Besides being a coach, Jackson is also a pastor and founded a church (True Love Worship Center International). Well, at least his lover was an adult woman.
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Guess there’s no problem with immigration if you can hit a curve ball….Cuban outfielder Yasiel Puig, who defected last month to Mexico, has apparently reached agreement on a seven-year, $42 million contract with the Los Angeles Dodgers.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: healthcare jokes, Judge Roberts jokes. janice hough, NBA jokes, obamacare jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
June 28, 2012
At the time of this posting, before 1am in California, no one really knows how the Supreme Court will rule at 10:00am ET on Obamacare. One thing we know for certain, at 7:01am ET Fox News will declare the verdict to be bad news for the President.
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Referring to the upcoming Supreme Court healthcare decision, Mitt Romney said ““My guess is they’re not sleeping real well at the White House tonight. ” Of course Mitt is sleeping the relaxed sleep of someone who knows he’s got both sides of the issue covered.
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The voice of experience on that healthcare mandate: “First we established incentives for those who were uninsured to buy insurance. Using tax penalties, as we did, or tax credits, as others have proposed, encourages “free riders” to take responsibility for themselves rather than pass their medical costs on to others. This doesn’t cost the govt a single dollar” Mitt Romney, USA Today Op-ed 2009
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Many SF Giants fans thought a start against a Triple A was what Tim Lincecum needed to break out of his slump. Or as it turned out, the Los Angeles Dodgers. Same difference.
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“Down they go, down into depths unimaginable just a few weeks ago, down where light is reduced to a flicker.” A melodramatic novel? Nope, Steve Dilbeck, Los Angeles Times baseball writer, after the Dodgers were shut out for the third game in a row against the SF Giants.
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The FDA approved Belvig, a new diet drug. Wednesday, although it only has been shown to result in modest weight loss. One cheaper alternative, a large generic plastic pill, to be held indefiinitely between the lips.
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The president of Greece will travel on Aegean Air in economy class to a European Union summit this week. “Good move” said Angela Merkel. “What’s economy class?” asked Mitt Romney?
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A new study finds that drinking at least two cups of coffee a day lowers people’s risk of heart failure. Especially since that makes them too jittery to be sedentary.
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Rielle Hunter’s latest “I’m not a mistress, I’m a mom.” Guess Rielle wasn’t a big fan of those “If A then B” logic puzzles in school.
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The PGA Tour is moving to a year round schedule starting October 2013. You know what that means? All Tiger, All the time.
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Kate Upton and her film crew were kicked off Santa Monica pier when they got on a ride and her one-piece swimsuit broke and fell off. Kate is reportedly now sorting through the invitations to visit dozens of other U.S. amusement parks.
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One of this week’s Groupon type deals is half price Botox? Really? You’re going to have a potential toxin injected into your face and you want the bargain basement version? Not that I’m a fan of the Botox idea in general, but sounds about as appealing as day-old sushi.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, obamacare jokes, Supreme Court jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
June 27, 2012
If there’s a heaven, it is no doubt a funnier place tonight. And wonder who will be to say that to Nora Ephron. –
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One of my favorite Ephron quotes: ““Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy.”
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On November 16, 2008, the President-elect appeared on CBS’ 60 Minutes and called for a college football playoff. So once again, tonight we blame Obama. –
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Following Obama’s “thank you” to Boston for trading Kevin Youlikis to the White Sox, Mitt Romney’s campaign accused the President of choosing to “mock” Red Sox fans “when the team is struggling.” But Boston is now over .500 and has won 7 of 10. Sounds like Mitt is as in touch with baseball as he is with the rest of the country.
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Train wreck update: Rielle Hunter has announced that “as of the end of last week, John Edwards and I are no longer a couple,” saying “media scrutiny” had worn them down. Gosh, wonder if a tour for a “tell-all” book had anything to do with that?
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Even Kim Kardashian is starting to think that Rielle Hunter is a media whore.
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Egypt’s new president Mohamed Morsi apparently will appoint a woman as vice president. And yet another country jumps ahead of the U.S.
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Tumi, the high-end luggage, briefcase, handbag manufacture, is now advertising a $495 carrier for your small pet. And we wonder why other countries hate us?
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The San Diego Padres (27-47)), beat the Houston Astros (30-43), 8 to 7 Monday night in 10 innings. Wonder how many of the announced crowd of 14,483 (includes season tickets sold) were left at game’s end?
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Jamie Moyer is heading to Toronto. Good for him but what a waste with the timing – Moyer gets into the Canadian healthcare system just when he would have been eligible for Medicare.
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Will this make Moyer the first Toronto “Gray Jay?”
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The real reason Jamie Moyer signed with the Toronto Blue Jays? He always wanted to play with that “nice young man,” Omar Vizquel.
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My friend Ben Burnett’s comment “Toronto signed 49-year-old left-hander Jamie Moyer to a minor league contract, according to a report on the team’s website late Monday……his fastball sounds great if you convert to metric.”
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Mitt Romney has a t-shirt design contest for supporters. Presumably the winning entry will have different and opposing slogans on each side?
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The NBA fined Amare Stoudemire $50,000 after he tweeted a response to a fan using an expletive and a gay slur. Smartphones really should come with a warning: “Caution, engage brain before putting fingers in gear.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Jamie Moyer jokes. Romney jokes, Janice Hough, moyer jokes, Nora Ephron jokes, Rielle Hunter jokes
Comments: 6 Comments
June 26, 2012
BCS Presidential oversight committee members have a meeting scheduled until 10pm Tuesday so they have time to approve a proposed four-team college football playoff. Why so late? Presumably so they can stay as long as it takes to assure at least one and maybe two SEC teams get in that playoff.
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There were men with bats who had clearly stolen the SF Giants’ uniforms Monday night and were holding the real team in an undisclosed location.
Seriously what was more unlikely. Barry Zito giving up no runs, or the Giants scoring 8?
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Sarah Palin’s back on the “death panel” rant, saying “Obamacare did in fact create a panel of faceless bureaucrats who have the power to make life and death decisions about health care funding.” Uh Sarah, we already had those, they’re called “insurance companies.”
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Marlon Byrd, recently released by the Red Sox, tested positive for a PED and was suspended 50 games. He says “It was an inexcusable mistake, resulting from a medication for a “private condition,” and he did not use the drug as a PED. Just once I want to hear a player say “Yep, I was trying to cheat, you caught me.”
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The Supreme Court upheld the part of the Arizona immigration law that allows police to check a person’s immigration status if “reasonable suspicion” exists that the person is in the United States illegally. Hmm, this means it could be dangerous to wear a Maple Leaf or cheer too loudly for the Phoenix Coyotes.
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Justice Antonin Scalia dissented from today’s Supreme Court ruling on Arizona, and suggested President Obama and the federal govt do not want to enforce their own immigration laws. Wonder how he’d feel if the govt had tight restrictions, on say, Sicilians, in the 1930s. (Scalia’s father came over as a grad student, his mother was the child of immigrants.)
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Kevin Youkilis has been traded from the Red Sox to the White Sox. The hardest part about this? All his friends and family won’t be able to watch “Youk” play every other week on ESPN or Fox when Boston plays the New York Yankees.
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A passenger on a Kenya Air flight from Amsterdam to Tanzania received a partial refund after she had to fly across the aisle from passenger who died of a heart attack. (The cabin crew had wrapped his body in blankets and laid him across 3 seats.) Although many travelers who’ve flown next to to drunks and obnoxious children would prefer the dead body.
Adds T.C. “Watch for Kenya Air ads to claim “People are dying to fly with us
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Mitt Romney, after dodging initial questions on the Arizona immigration decision, finally said he would have preferred the Supreme Court give more latitude to the states, not less. Does that mean as President he’d support states’ medical marijuana and gay marriage laws?
Anonymous joke passed on by my friend David. “A judge today denied Jerry Sandusky’s request to serve his sentence in juvenile hall.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: BCS jokes, immigration jokes, Janice Hough, Supreme Court jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
Left Coast Sports Babe 