Archive for March 2016

« Left Coast Sports Babe home page
Newer Entries »

How high can you go?

March 12, 2016

Now rumors might have both Mark Sanchez and Colin Kaepernick in Denver. Good thing for fans Colorado has legalized marijuana.

 

 

Colin Kaepernick now says he wants to play for the Cleveland Browns. Maybe because he figures he has an easy act to follow.

–

The Denver Broncos have signed Mark Sanchez. So now we get to learn something new – how high does a butt-fumble bounce at 5,280 feet?

–

RIP Keith Emerson, of Emerson Lake and Palmer.  It’s bad enough when musicians from your youth die. It’s even worse when you realize that they actually had gotten old.

–

New free agent ‪#‎RGIII‬ apparently visited ‪#‎NYJets‬. Well, & what better landing spot for a QB who was tired of too much media attention.

–

‪#‎UConn‬‪#‎Cincinnati‬ game went 4 OTs today. Wow. That’s more time than many of the players will ever spend in class. ‪#‎MarchMadness‬

–

Now that Trump is actually getting closer to winning the GOP primary, isn’t it time to call for an investigation: pretty sure that furry thing that lives on his head wasn’t born in the U.S.

 

Caitlyn Jenner, on her support for Donald Trump: “He would be very good on women’s issues. Just because I’m a woman now doesn’t make me all of a sudden liberal.”
Well, of course not, she had gender-reassignment surgery, not a brain transplant.

–

Joe’s Crab Shack has apologized for using a picture of a crowd of white people watching a black man being hanged as a table decoration. Really, weren’t there easier ways for the restaurant to say they’d like to host a Trump rally?

–

A Chicago man, Dennis Nicholl, has been arrested for regularly riding the Red Line train with a cellphone jammer. Hmm, so how many millions of people will be joining the ‪#‎freeDennis‬ campaign?

–

Some major GOP criticism of President Obama for missing Nancy Reagan’s funeral. But Nancy herself went to Bess Truman’s funeral without her husband, And W. did not accompany Laura and Barbara Bush to Lady Bird’s funeral. ‪#‎Noissuetoosmall‬.

–

Marco Rubio says it’s okay if his supporters in Ohio vote for John Kasich, as the Governor of the winner-take-all state has the best chance there to stop Donald Trump. Well, good, that ought to get Kasich at least two or three more votes.

–

Ben Carson, in making his endorsement this morning, said “There are two Donald Trumps.” Great, besides the Donald’s narcissism and other issues,, America also now has to worry about a potential President with “Dissociative Identity Disorder.”

–

Bob Woodward asked Trump about Mexico paying for his proposed wall, “Trust me, Bob, when I rejuvenate our military, Mexico’s not going to be playing with us with war.”
Because the U.S. now spending as much as the next seven countries combined isn’t enough to scare them already?

 

Stocks ended today at a new 2016 high. ‪#‎IblameObama‬

–

After this week’s shooting of a pto-gun mom by her 4-year-old son, Neal suggests, “open carry preschool!”

–

And from Marc Ragovin  “Well it’s March Madness, or as it’s otherwise, known, a Donald Trump rally.”

(again, funnier if it weren’t true.)

 

Categories: debate jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Comments: 4 Comments

Shoot out at the OK preschool?

March 10, 2016

The Florida woman who was shot by her 4-year-old son apparently is still pro-gun, and her own mother dismisses the shooting as “an accident and nothing more.” Sounds like a good phrase for a tombstone.

 

 

Taco Bell has announced they are lowering some prices. Gosh, hope this doesn’t lead to their lowering the fine quality of their ingredients.

–

In California, the legislature passed a bill to raise the smoking age to 21. And most college students are shrugging – “It’s only tobacco.”

–

Regarding all this controversy over Kim Kardashian maybe being “slut-shamed” for her latest naked selfie: Look, I’m a feminist and think women should be proud of their bodies. But jeez, Kim, haven’t we seen enough of yours? ‪#‎boring‬

–

A rear admiral was fired after he admitted to investigators he spent nine hours in a ten day period aboard an assault ship looking at porn on a Defense Department computer. Nine hours out of ten days… and some are wondering, “Was he fired for not being man enough?”

(or stupid enough not to have a smart phone with an unlimited data plan.)

–

A major brawl broke out and was caught on video on a Spirit Airlines flight today when two women started playing music from a boom box and refused to turn it down.  While the women were detained by security at LAX no one was arrested.

Spirit Airlines did, however, reportedly charge other passengers on board an entertainment fee.

–

Alas, a koala at the Griffith Park zoo in Los Angeles was apparently eaten by a local mountain lion. Clearly the koala should have been armed.

–

In Kansas, GOP senators frustrated with the judicial system have passed a bill that would make “attempting to usurp the power” of the Legislature or the executive branch grounds for impeachment. So any judge who overturned legislation could be impeached. Forget spinning, James Madison is causing a tornado in his grave.

 

The Milwaukee Bucks’ O.J. Mayo broke his right ankle falling down stairs at home today and is done for the year. Making him luckier than Bucks’ season ticket holders.

–

OSU’s Urban Meyer has endorsed John Kasich. Well, if Kasich gets on the ticket there go the GOP’s chances in Michigan.

 

 

Barack Obama’s approval ratings are back up to 50%, the highest in 3 years. Guess it’s beginning to dawn on Americans that one of these people they are watching debate is actually going to be our next president. ‪#‎lookingbetterbycomparison‬

–

Ben Carson is going to endorse Donald Trump. Does that mean Trump might be able to pick up both Carson’s supporters?

 –

Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio are so united in their so-called hatred of government: so will they both sign a pledge saying if a natural disaster hits their states they won’t call in the evil feds?

–

Gave up on the GOP debate even for comedy research purposes to watch the Spurs game. Another reason to like San Antonio, they have so many “immigrant” players, they’d probably annoy the hell out of Trump.

–

Trump says he will put Ben Carson in charge of education. Uh, except that during this campaign the Dr. has if anything made people wonder how low the standards have gotten for medical school?

 

Is this year’s ‪#‎AmericanIdol‬ final season format designed to make sure we really don’t miss the show when it’s gone?

–

Trudeau-Obama press conference today in Washington. Two politicians together at lecterns who aren’t screaming at each other… Well, where’s the fun in that?

–

Now that Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau has visited the White House waiting for Trump to tell his supporters “Big deal, when I am in charge we’ll make Canada’s President show up.”

–

As a final change today  from the debate circus tents: “In a rapidly pivoting world, it becomes easy to become fearful. It becomes easy to turn in on ourselves. And we know from history that it’s much more important to turn outwards, and to draw out the best in each other. And to understand that whenever people get together, regardless of how different they may seem, there are always more things we have in common than that differentiate us.”
Justin Trudeau, today in D.C. Once again, ‪#‎canweborrowhim‬?

Categories: debate jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 3 Comments

Big tents

March 9, 2016

This week is the World Clown Convention in Orlando. And next week is the Florida primary.  Coincidence?

 

Alec Baldwin, 57, has announced he and his wife are expecting a baby boy this fall, meaning they will have three children age 3 three and under. And well, if any dad can teach his kids how to throw a tantrum….

 

Social media is apparently at odds as to whether Bernie Sanders’ suit tonight was brown or blue. But presumably the confusion is absolutely Wall Street’s fault.

–

Pollsters in Michigan may be out of work after their miserable showing in the Democratic primary. On the other hand, many of them have been offered jobs running the numbers for Trump’s tax plan.

–

Apparently with Brock Osweiler going to the Texans, the Broncos are interested in Colin Kaepernick. Hmm, maybe Peyton Manning shouldn’t get too comfortable in retirement.

–

A pro-gun 31-year-old Florida mother was arguing on Facebook Monday saying “Even my 4 year old gets jacked up to target shoot with the .22”  Tuesday mom was in stable condition in the the hospital after the kid found the loaded gun in her car and shot mom while she was driving.  Is it fair to hope they don’t discharge her in time to vote in Tuesday’s primary?

#howdoyoustopagoodchildwithagun?

–

 

In central Florida, a second grade substitute teacher was arrested for being drunk in class. The principal first became suspicious because she didn’t know the day of the week. But really, in Florida, isn’t the day of the week a fourth or fifth grade lesson?

–

If ‪#‎CarlyFiorina‬ really wanted to help ‪#‎TedCruz‬ she’d sign up in California to help run ‪#‎Trump‬ campaign.

–

Here’s a”cheer up it could be worse” item for passengers who feel squeezed on United Airlines 777 planes in coach. The airline is planning to change their domestic 777’s from 9-across seating, to 10-across seating. So yes, it could, and will be worse.

 

At Paris-CDG Airport a woman was arrested after she apparently had sneaked a child onto a flight from Istanbul in a carry-on bag. And a whole lot of airlines got a new idea for a new really no-frills fare. ‪#‎carryonseating‬

–

Interesting note, Michigan has open primaries. So wonder which number was higher – Republicans voting for Bernie to cause trouble for the Democrats, or Dems voting for Trump to try to screw the GOP?

–

At least Marco Rubio accomplished something with his personal insults against Trump – “My kids were embarrassed by it.” That’s impressive. Two of his children aren’t even teenagers yet.

 

Under the guise of protecting women, Florida just passed a massively restrictive bill to limit abortion, which requires providers to meet very strict medical standards, even when the “abortion” is morning-after pills. But if we really want Florida women to rise up in anger, maybe someone should demand similar restrictions also apply to clinics doing, for starters, liposuction and botox…..

 

 

And we thought ‪#‎PAC12‬ football got hosed with TV: :‪#‎Pac12Hoops‬ tournament has 1st 3 days with games at 1145pm EST & finals at 1015p Saturday.

–

From Marc Ragovin “I’m not saying the NY Knicks are on their last legs, but Phil Jackson just said they are throwing all of their stock in Florida next Tuesday.”

Categories: baseball jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

And the hits just keep on coming.

March 8, 2016

Michael Kopech, one of the Red Sox’s top pitching prospects, managed to fracture his right hand during an “altercation” with his roommate last week. Good thing Kopech didn’t get into a fight with Sandoval. Had the Panda sat on Kopech it might have killed him.

–

 

Former MLB star Paul O’Neill endorsed Donald ‪#‎Trump‬. So how many times did O’Neill run into those outfield walls?

–

So DWTS has announced their latest cast of wannabes and has-beens for this season, and wait….Doug Flutie? Okay, what time is that show on? ‪#‎adorable‬

–

The Colts resigned Adam Vinatieri for 2016. Not sure how this fits with Indianapolis’s cap room, but at least the team knows his medical bills will be covered under Medicare.

–

California had more pedestrian deaths than any other state in the first half of 2015. Just guessing we probably lead the nation in cellphones too.

–

The GOP has spent years trying to teach Americans that science and math don’t matter. So should the party be surprised that their voters are picking a candidate whose numbers don’t add up?

–

Bernie and Hillary did a Fox News town hall Monday night. Why? To prove they weren’t afraid of the network? Or in hopes of luring viewers with the message “You might disagree with us but we’re not batsh*t crazy.”?

–

Michelle Obama will be attending Nancy Reagan’s funeral. Waiting for the first Republican to tell us why this is wrong.

–

The National Republican Senatorial Committee sent out a tweet against Rep. Tammy Duckworth, who is running for Illinois Senate: “Tammy Duckworth has a sad record of not standing up for our veterans.”
Uh, Rep. Duckworth lost both her legs in the Iraq War. ‪#‎stayclassy‬

–

#‎HillaryClinton‬ has won the ‪#‎Mississippi‬ primary. So she can count on the votes of both Mississippi Democrats in November.

–

Headline – “Trump’s ex-wife to appear on ‪#‎DWTS‬.” Which one?

–

Marco Rubio is accusing Ted Cruz’s campaign of spreading the rumors that Rubio is dropping out of the Presidential race. This after Cruz’s campaign allegedly did the same thing to Ben Carson in Iowa. And Ted is the guy the GOP thinks is an improvement over Trump?

 

Neil Bush announced he has joined Sen. Ted Cruz’s national finance team. The question, how many months ago did he decide to do that? ‪#‎poorJeb‬!

–

His doctor says President Obama has lost five pounds in the last two years. Amazing how that works when you don’t have to go place like Iowa state fairs for the primaries.

–

Nancy Reagan will be buried next to Ronnie. At least if there isn’t enough of an underground tornado there to prevent it. ‪#‎thoushallnotsayillofotherRepublicans‬ ‪#‎spinninginhisgrave‬

 

Meanwhile, who needs CNN and the primaries, the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are back on television with ‪#‎KrukandKuip‬. All is right with the world.

Categories: Uncategorized

Comments: 4 Comments

Speaking out

March 8, 2016

Pittsburgh’s DeAngelo Williams called out Peyton Manning as a “hall of fame QB who couldn’t play dead in a western last year.” Yeah, well that’s just piling on after the Steelers eliminated the Broncos from the playoffs last year. Oh wait, never mind.

–

The Supreme Court today UNANIMOUSLY today reversed an Alabama court’s refusal to recognize a same-sex adoption. Yes, even Thomas and Alito agreed. Maybe we are creeping into the 21st century after all..

–

Erin Andrews won $55 million in her lawsuit over being videotaped nude in her hotel room. And the Kardashians are thinking “We’d have allowed it for half that.”

–

Bette Middler might have won the internet today: “Kim Kardashian tweeted a nude selfie today. If Kim wants us to see a part of her we’ve never seen, she’s gonna have to swallow the camera.”

–

Atlanta Falcons assistant coach Marquand Manuel has apologized for asking OSU cornerback Eli Apple if he was gay. So is he sorry for the question, or sorry that it leaked out?

 

A United Airlines flight from Houston to Munich had to return to Intercontinental Airport with smoke billowing from one engine after they hit a bird during takeoff. No injuries were reported. Well, except for the bird.

–

Maria Sharapova apparently failed a drug test at the Australian Open. The substance is one she has been taking for years, but was on a list of drugs that were banned starting January 1. Sharapova acknowledged getting the email but said she didn’t read it….
Creative excuses isn’t one area we really wanted women athletes to start equaling men.

(And okay,  if it’s a lie it’s a stupid one, if she didn’t read the list and didn’t have someone on her staff read it well, well, that’s more stupid.)

 

 

Six UC Santa Cruz fraternity and sorority members were arrested and charged with being part of an organized Ecstasy drug ring. Well, that’s one way to deal with high tuition costs.

–

Some talk now about how much a loss in the Florida Primary would hurt Marco Rubio. Well, not as much as his own campaigning has hurt him.

–

32 pts in 1st half for ‪#‎Spurs‬ tonight in Indiana against the ‪#‎Pacers‬. That Sunday  ‪#‎Lakers‬ game might have not been the best for San Antonio’s usual inspiration from watching the Golden State #Warriors.

–

Michael Bloomberg says he will not run for President. Has he finally figured out that the seat for the egotistical New York billionaire in the clown car is full?

–

Meanwhile in South Florida, the Sun-Sentinel says there is no good candidate in the GOP primary and will not endorse. This includes the man they endorsed when he ran for Senate “Because Rubio has failed to do his job as a senator, broken the promises he made to Floridians and backed away from his lone signature piece of legislation on immigration, we cannot endorse him for president.”
Not even to get him out of Florida?

Categories: airline jokes, debate jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Happy -hoppy – endings?

March 7, 2016

Peyton Manning apparently will announce his retirement Monday. Presumably from outside a Papa John’s store with a case of Budweiser?

–

Forget Megyn Kelly. If we really want to make the men behave could Lady Mary or Dowager Countess moderate next ‪#‎GOPDebate‬? ‪#‎DowntonAbbey‬

–

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders are. promising an issue-filled debate tonight. And millions of Americans are thinking “where’s the fun in that

 

#‎Bernie‬ and ‪#‎Hillary‬ actually got a little contentious in tonight’s debate.  GOP watchers were thinking “Wimps, where are the real insults, where are the  d*ck jokes?”

–

Bernie Sanders’  best line of the debate was talking about increasing mental health funding “and if you saw last week’s GOP debate, you know we need it.”

 

 

 

So when ‪#‎JustinTrudeau‬ gets done with being Canada’s Prime Minister can we borrow him?

–

 

Love at 1st sight or at least 1st inning for ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans:  Jeff Samardzija strikes out Crawford, Pederson and Puig

 

Was at a party this afternoon and afterwards checked online to see how by much the ‪#‎Warriors‬ beat the ‪#‎Lakers‬  and ‪#‎WTF?

 

Today, was actually the first time an NBA team wore equipment to honor a live and active player, the Lakers wore special socks Bryant-themed socks with No. 2 on the right sock and No. 4 on the left.

–

Somewhere the Yankees and Derek Jeter are going “why didn’t we think of something like that”?

–

Reports are that Gregg ‪#‎Popovich‬ is looking into ordering a really big box of ‪#‎KobeBryant‬ socks ‪#‎Warriors‬ ‪#‎Spurs‬ ‪#‎NBAplayoffs‬

–

RIP Nancy Reagan. Wonder if it was all these candidates hijacking her husband’s party that killed her. ‪#‎whoknewReaganwouldlookmoderate‬?

–

Increasingly looking like the real ‪#‎Florida‬ joke is ‪#‎MarcoRubio‬ ‪#‎GOPPrimary‬

–

Give ‪#‎Trump‬ credit, his promises may be empty where most of the country is concerned. But he sure has helped make ‪#‎SNL‬ great again.

–

United’s CEO Oscar Munoz is returning to work after an October heart attack and surgery – a medical leave of five months. Curiously enough, that’s about the same amount of time the airline thinks is reasonable to find your luggage.

 

–

John Kasich has fired his campaign’s deputy digital director Blake Waggoner after it was reported he was arrested in Nov. 2015 after a woman accused him of choking her and punching her in the back. Sounds like the only adult in the GOP room hasn’t been paying enough attention to what his kids were doing.

 

Caityn Jenner, complaining about Hillary Clinton: “She couldn’t care less about women. She cares about herself.” So did Jenner make the comments while she was volunteering at something? No, on her reality show “I am Cait.”

–

From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg –  “Astronaut Scott Kelley returned after a year in space to find Madonna on tour, a Clinton running for president and the police testing OJ Simpson’s knife and he said;

“Stop screwing around. What year is it really?”

–

Categories: debate jokes, football jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

The rest of our lives.

March 6, 2016

The Spurs won tonight against the Kings despite having three of their starters out. Had San Antonio only rested all five starters Sacramento might have had a chance.

–

Rutgers’ men’s basketball team just snapped a 32 game Big Ten losing streak. So Chris Christie can no longer take pride in being only the second most embarrassing thing in New Jersey.

–

 

Really? It’s a big deal for many media pundits because Ted Cruz scored a victory over Donald Trump in Maine? 8,550 to 6,070. Yes, that total is less than the number of people who bought tickets to today’s Cubs spring training game.

–

 

The Chicago Cubs drew 15,446 to a spring training game Friday. That would have been a good weekend series draw for the Expos.   (or a good midweek series for the #SFGiants at Candlestick.)

–

LSU freshman star Ben Simmons has “not been certified by the school” to be eligible for the John Wooden award given to the NCAA’s best men’s basketball player. So is Simmons starting a new trend – “one-half and done?

–

A 27-year-old man was arrested for allegedly having sex with a 16-year-old-girl in the lavatory of a Delta flight from Phoenix to Salt Lake City last week..Really? Who has time to even get up to go to the bathroom on a 500 mile flight?

–

Mike Ditka said that Barack Obama is the worst president ever. Ever?! Well, add another to the football list for CTE.

–

In an interview with a British newspaper, Mark Hamill, says that Luke Skywalker, “could be gay.” Clearly this is Obama’s fault.

–

Okay, how bad have things gotten when ‪#‎TedCruz‬ is seen as a less scary alternative? ‪#‎SuperSaturday‬

–

Apparently Caila Quinn, who was eliminated from the “Bachelor” after fantasy suite dates, will be the next “Bachelorette.” What’s really scary? There are probably more Americans paying close attention to that decision than they are about their primary vote for President.

 

Louis C.K just compared voting for Donald Trump to smoking crack. Great. Give millions more Americans seeking a cheap high a reason to vote for Trump.

Categories: Uncategorized

Comments: Be the first to comment

Name calling

March 5, 2016

So what are we going to title the next few weeks of the ‪#‎GOPPrimary‬? Since ‪#‎MarchMadness‬ is already taken.

–

Now Marco Rubio says that Donald Trump is the “most vulgar person ever to aspire to the Presidency.” What’s next, a rousing chorus of “I see London, I see France, I see someone’s underpants?”

 

Astronaut Scott Kelly says he grew two inches in space and now he can’t sink a basketball shot. Hmm, so is this the explanation for big men like Shaq and DeAndre Jordan and free throws? They’re really from a different planet?

–

Ah for the good old days when ‪#‎votefortheworst‬ just mean you ended up with a lousy winner on ‪#‎AmericanIdol‬ ‪#‎GOPPrimary‬

 

Saw a headline that “Wall Street is about to go after Trump big time.” Oh this billionaire on billionaire violence….

–

In a reality TV world should we be surprised that being the only adult in the room is not necessarily a way to win the audience?

–

Ravens LB Terrell Suggs was arrested this morning in Arizona and charged with leaving the scene of an accident and driving with a suspended license. Then he tweeted out “MooD:…….Driving with a suspended license! Street Cred= 100,000 Trillion. My bad.”
‪#‎stayclassy‬ ‪#‎rolemodels‬ ‪#‎NFL‬

 

So the Atlanta Falcons have apologized after Ohio State’s Eli Apple reported that during the NFL combine he was asked if he “liked men.” Waiting for the first team to apologize for asking players if they think their mom is hot. ‪#‎nottheOnion‬ ‪#‎stayclassy‬

 

Ben Carson has dropped out of the Presidential race. Saying “I did the math. I looked at the delegate counts … and I realized it simply wasn’t going to happen.” Well, there’s his first problem, trying to be a GOP candidate who believes in math.

 

After becoming the butt of Twitter jokes, Whole Foods has pulled pre-peeled oranges from their shelves. Thereby probably really upsetting the same millennials who don’t eat cereal with milk because it’s too much work.

–

If we are going to have all this nastiness in ‪#‎GOPPrimary‬ can we at least get competence and draft ‪#‎FrankUnderwood‬? ‪#‎HouseofCards‬

Amazing. Southwest can turn a flight around in about 15 minutes. United can’t turn a domestic flight around in less than an hour. ‪#‎apassionformediocrity‬

Categories: airline jokes, debate jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Going to not-so-great lengths

March 3, 2016

Peyton Manning, in a speech last night at the Florida Forum “Many of you have probably heard that I have a significant announcement to make, so I thought I’d go ahead and make it with all of you here tonight. Papa John’s is offering 50 percent off tonight through Friday.”
Someday Manning may have the only funeral where they hand out pizza coupons.

–

South Africa’s highest court has dismissed Oscar Pistorius’s appeal against his murder conviction, so he could be facing a minimum 15-year jail sentence. “I feel so sorry for him” said nobody.

–

 

Anyone who thought the GOP campaign couldn’t go any lower? I think this CNN headline might mean we just hit bottom.”Donald Trump defends size of his penis.”

–

John Kasich isn’t someone I would vote for, but I still think he’s a capable human being.  Watching him on the margins of the GOP debate recalls an anecdote about Adlai Stevenson in the 1956 presidential campaign:   A woman called out “Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!” Stevenson called back “That’s not enough, madam, we need a majority!”

–

So if the GOP is really serious about stopping Trump, it should be noted that in Alaska the Donald got Sarah Palin’s endorsement. And the winner was Ted Cruz. ‪#‎coincidence‬?

–

Now Mitt Romney apparently is focused mostly on keeping Trump from having 1,237 delegates, the number he needs to secure the nomination, so that the GOP can block the Donald at the convention.
Well, this ought to do wonders for convincing potential Trump voters that the establishment isn’t rigged against them..

–

Mitt Romney just attacked Donald Trump for dishonesty and pointed to Trump’s “greed,” “showing off”, and “misogyny,” Hey wait, aren’t those real GOP values?

–

Mitt Romney called Donald Trump a “phony” and a “fraud” who would hand the election to the Dems in November. So which Mitt was talking? The moderate governor of Mass., or the “severe conservative” who ran in 2012?

–

An Australian writer, Helen Garner, got what she thought was a spam email with “good news” and saying somewhat at Yale needed her phone number. It turned out to be real; she had won a $150,000 writing prize.
And a whole lot of spammers just got a new idea.

–

Scott Kelly grew two inches while he was in space. And wonder how many men are telling women, “Well, I used to be an astronaut.”

–

Jim Harbaugh and Tennessee coach Butch Jones are now in a Twitter battle, where Jones went after Michigan for practicing in Florida, and Harbaugh told him to “focus on his own program.”
So how can we get a game between the Wolverines and Volunteers? ‪#‎ratings‬ ‪#‎whatsyourdeal‬?

–

LeBron James is getting some criticism for working out with Dwayne Wade during a couple off-days, especially as the Heat also are probably a playoff team. But really, who expects Miami to be around long enough in the postseason for it to matter?

–

–

Jeb Bush is trying to make a difference and redeem his status within the GOP. So if he’s really serious can Jeb endorse Trump?

 

Has someone told the ‪#‎Thunder‬ that hockey has three periods, basketball has four quarters? ‪#‎Warriors‬ ‪#‎NBA‬

Categories: baseball jokes, debate jokes, GOP jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Cover story

March 2, 2016

Since no one else seems to be able to stop the Warriors,   Sports Illustrated will take a shot at it by putting Golden State on the cover.

 

Miley Cyrus called Donald Trump a ‘nightmare” and says she may move out of the country if he gets elected. Uh oh. Let’s hope Justin Bieber or the Kardashians don’t get the same idea or Trump could become unstoppable.

–

Donald Trump’s tweet, after Nikki Haley endorsed Marco Rubio – “The people of South Carolina are embarrassed by Nikki Haley,” Haley’s response “Bless your heart.”
For the uninitiated, “Bless your heart,” is Southern for “f*ck you.”

–

Sports Authority has filed for bankruptcy. So will the Denver Broncos now play in Chapter 11 Stadium?

(my friend Rick D. suggests ‘Secured Creditors Field.”)

 

–

As we approach March Madness, Stanford’s men’s basketball team has been doing better of late. Are they poised to defend their NIT title?

–

Donald Trump started with stupid and childish insults about Marco Rubio, who fired back on the same level, but it’s just Rubio who seems to be taking a it in the polls. George Bernard Shaw was right – “I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.”

–

Ben Carson says he will skip the next GOP debate. Shocking people who didn’t even realize he was in the last one.

–

Ben Carson now admits he has “no path” to the Republican nomination, but won’t formally quit the Presidential race. “Attaboy” said Brett Favre.

 

–

So when can we tune in to hear ‪#‎SteveHarvey‬ talk about ‪#‎MarcoRubio‬‘s great ‪#‎SuperTuesday‬ victories?

–

#‎PaulRyan‬ says “absolutely no interest” in becoming ‪#‎GOP‬ nominee at a brokered convention. But he had no interest in being Speaker either.

–

 

Mitt Romney says he will speak Thursday “on the state of the Presidential Race.” Well, and if anyone should be an expert on how the GOP establishment can blow an election campaign….

–

Hard to believe now but some once thought the most politically damaging bromance involving Chris Christie was his 2012 embrace of Barack Obama.

–

 

In South Carolina, a woman who had taught for 13 years had her phone swiped by a 16-year-old-student, who found a nude Valentine’s Day picture she had taken for her husband, The kid then shared the photo with social media and texts. And the TEACHER was offered the choice to resign or go through a dismissal process. Hmm, maybe it is time for teachers to be armed

–

The Oklahoma City Thunder blew a 17 pt lead against the Clippers in the 4th quarter. Last time fans in Los Angeles saw such a fast late meltdown,  the Dodgers bullpen was involved.

–

A Washington  man who’d been taking selfies all day with his gun accidentally finally ended up fatally shooting himself.  Your move, Florida. #cantfixstupidbutyoucanburyit

–

Curt Schilling just said that Hillary Clinton should be “buried under a jail somewhere” over her emails on private servers. Right, wonder what he would have said had Clinton been sued by a state for fraud over a $75 million business loan guarantee that ended up costing said state almost $100 million….

–

Groaner of the day from Marc Ragovin “The Mets’ Noah Syndergaard and Yoenis Cespedes rode around the team’s training complex the other day on two horses from Cespedes’ s ranch. Proving that these two have come a long way from their days in the Pony League.”

Categories: baseball jokes, debate jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Stupor Tuesday

March 1, 2016

 

What does it say about ‪#‎MarcoRubio‬ that today in ‪#‎Oklahoma‬ he can’t even beat the guy who spells it ‪#‎Oaklahoma‬? ‪#‎SuperTuesday‬

–

So do Texans actually still like ‪#‎TedCruz‬. Or do they want to keep him on the campaign trail and out of the state? ‪#‎SuperTuesday‬

–

 

Donald Trump when asked about his plan to deport all illegal immigrants and if it might be modified – “At this moment, absolutely not.” Uh, anytime you qualify any statement with “at this moment….”

 

Chris Christie standing next to Donald Trump tonight looked about as happy to be there as most wronged wives do when they stand by their man during a press conference.

–

Six New Jersey newspapers have called on Governor Chris Christie to resign. Hope none of their editors have to take bridges to get to work.

–

Ted Cruz says he is not interested in being anyone’s running mate this November. As if anyone in the GOP could stand running with him.

–

Whole Foods has recalled Maytag raw milk blue cheese over fears of possible listeria contamination. Fortunately this won’t matter to the 95% of Americans who can’t afford to shop there.

–

The Christian Post has come out and urged their readers not to vote for Donald Trump. Hah, joke’s on them. As if most of the Donald’s supporters actually read.

–

Paul Ryan is the latest Republican to denounce Trump’s not denouncing David Duke, adding “This party does not prey on people’s prejudices,” And Ryan said that last with a straight face.

–

At spring training in Florida, Yoenis Cespedes apparently bought a prizewinning 270 pound hog for $7,000. Must.Not.Make.Pablo.Sandoval.Jokes.

–

So we all expected when the Washington Redskins put a franchise tag on a QB it would be Kirk Cousins?!

 

–

United Airlines is touting how their Mileage Plus program was named the top Frequent Flier program in a recent survey. Isn’t that like being the leading GOP primary vote-getter in 2016. ‪#‎damningbyfaintpraise‬

–

MLB has suspended Yankees closer Aroldis Chapman has been suspended 30 games under their new domestic violence policy. Right about now Chapman has to be regretting his decision – to play baseball instead of football.

–

Ivy League schools will eliminate tackling during football practices. They hope this will both limit players’ chance of brain injury and also prepare them to be drafted by the New Orleans Saints.

 

 

 

 

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

And the winner is….

March 1, 2016

Oscar ratings were at an 8-year low. So was that due to the ‪#‎oscarssowhite‬ boycott, or the fact that most Americans didn’t care about most of the movies.

–

 

One reason the Bachelor is now such a guilty pleasure. How often these days do you get to watch a serious train wreck, without having to worry that the “winner” will be the leader of the free world?

–

Joe Scarborough, on Donald Trump’s not definitely denouncing David Duke “So is this how the party of Abraham Lincoln dies?” Can just imagine Trump’s reply – “Hey, I wouldn’t definitely denounce Abraham Lincoln either.”

 

A Ryanair flight from London to Bratislava diverted to Berlin after some men in a bachelor party “misbehaved so badly.” and one man apparently got naked. Now, had it been a bachelorette party Ryanair would probably have charged an entertainment fee.

 

–

A Google self-driving car hit a bus in Mountain View, CA. No fault has been determined yet, but hope the car wasn’t texting at the time.

–

 

As if the Cubs being favored to win the World Series wasn’t enough of a sign of the apocalypse, now Justice Clarence Thomas has asked a question during oral arguments.

–

 

Donald Trump is now saying a “lousy earpiece” is the reason he didn’t disavow former KKK leader David Duke yesterday. I think I like “pushed into a lifeboat” better.

 

J.C. Penney is apparently staging a turnaround and both their sales and stock are up. Of course, they were so far down before guessing most Millennials think they’re a brand new company.

–

 

Hotel resort fees are a joke. But this one from a condo company in Hawaii might be a new low – the $10 a day includes “entry gate electronic card for access to the resort premises” Didn’t that used to be called a key?

–

 

A NY federal judge has ruled in a drug case that Apple doesn’t have to unlock an iPhone at the government’s request. These issues are complicated, but got to love the usually pro-business conservatives on the side of the feds, while many normally pro-government liberals are backing Apple.

–

A fundraising request today said “I’m sorry we keep emailing you.” Uh, well then there’s a simple solution – STOP EMAILING.  ‪#‎notsosorry‬

–

Watching the GOP primaries and thinking I’m so old I remember when the Democrats were the ones tearing their party apart with craziness.

–

After Sarah Palin etc started really going after the media and politics as usual, can’t help but think that for many Trump supporters, the attacks from both the media and other politicians just make them like him more. ‪#‎lawofunintendedconsequences‬

 

–

Donald Trump today rolled out endorsements from NASCAR stars. Well, of course, drivers are rich men who will benefit from Trump’s tax plan.

–

John Kasich, on the current name-calling competition between Rubio and Trump. “I would rather not win than lower the bar.” Spoken like a man who learned his limbo limits in college. ‪#‎howlowcanyougo‬?

 

 

 

From T.C.  in response to my comment about ‪#‎DonaldTrump‬ being snubbed at the Oscars for his role in acting like a potential serious world leader.

“What bout Pill Cosby for Best Actor in a Courtroom Drama? (…and …. he’s Black!)”

Categories: debate jokes, GOP jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Newer Entries »