Archive for September 2014

All the commissioner’s men?

September 10, 2014

40 + years after Watergate and folks still haven’t figured out, coverups are almost always worse than the crime. From the AP: ” A law enforcement official says he sent a video of Ray Rice punching his then-fiancee to an NFL executive three months ago, while league officers have insisted they didn’t see the violent images until this week. The person played The Associated Press a 12-second voicemail from an NFL office number on April 9 confirming the video arrived. A female voice expresses thanks and says: “You’re right. It’s terrible.”

This #RayRice #Goodell mess shows what comes of allowing openly heterosexual men in the #NFL

So the NFL may soon be looking for a new toady to do the owners’ bidding at all times. “I’m available soon” said Bud Selig.

Roger Goodell says his job is not on the line. Because the NFL commissioner doesn’t think there is any video of him looking at the Ray Rice elevator video?

Got to love targeted ads. I’ve been posting enough on Ray Rice that now I’m getting Facebook ads about men who are looking for girlfriends…..

 

 

Scotland is voting on declaring independence from the United Kingdom next week. Whether it works or not maybe someone can give the instructions for such a referendum to Texas Governor Rick Perry.

Jeremy Lin apparently pranked people last month at Madame Tussaud’s by pretending to be a wax statue. Even so Lin looked more mobile than James Harden.

 

Five casinos in Atlantic City have closed or are planning to close by November of this year. And today Chris Christie announced he will issue a directive to allow sports betting in New Jersey. And they say President Obama is slow to react in a crisis.

 

The former Senior VP for ticket sales for the NY Mets is suing co-owner Jeff Wilpon of discriminating against her because she was having a baby without being married. But really, what was she thinking? That kind of behavior should be reserved for the players

A new study links benzodiazepines like Xanax and Valium with dementia. Great, one more thing to feel anxious about.

Budweiser is apparently testing a new campaign to allow people to send vouchers for free Bud Light on Facebook. Cool, now when people get in heated arguments on threads, they can be drunk too.

 

Justin Bieber stripped down to his underwear during a NY Fashion Week event, to boos and some cheers. The cheers presumably were “Put it on, put it on, put it ALL back on.”

 

 

Wow. Client asks me for the latest flight of the day out of D.C. to her chosen destination. I suggest a flight at 729p. She says, great, but is there a later flight in case I miss it? #facepalm

 

 

Arnold Schwarzenegger Monday at his portrait unveiling in Sacramento. “I didn’t accomplish everything I wanted to do in office.” Everything or everyone?

A new wrinkle in time?

September 9, 2014

 

In Northern California, they are hunting a mountain lion who apparently injured a 6 year old boy on a popular hiking trail. Officials said the cougar ambushed the boy “as if he was prey.” Uh, AS IF?.

William and Kate are expecting another baby. Makes sense, now that Prince George is over a year old, they need another royal up in the middle of the night to keep Harry company.

 

Apple’s new $349 smart watch acts as a remote control, a mobile payment device, and a pulse monitor. But can it tell time?

Apparently a long-lost collection of Dr. Seuss stories is hitting the bookstores today. No doubt some in the younger generation are asking “Who’s Dr. Seuss?” And still others are asking “what’s a bookstore?”

Seems like only a few days ago that the biggest PR worry the #NFL had was dealing with the #MichaelSam “distraction.”

 

Since the #NFL tries to monetize everything how long until we have a Fantasy Football League with points scored based on suspensions and arrests?

 

Perhaps a bright spot in the whole #RayRice saga is that people are paying attention. Back when Lawrence Phillips beat up his ex-girlfriend and was dragging her down the stairs by her hair when someone interceded, Nebraska coach Tom Osborn let him play in the national championship, And three NFL teams, including the 49ers signed him, despite more off-field “troubles” including a second arrest (and a no contest plea) for assaulting a woman.

On a bright note for #NY sports the #RayRice situation has knocked Eli Manning and the Giants s*cking off the front page.

I feel somewhat sorry for Janay Palmer, who is now angry at the MEDIA for turning her life into a “horrible nightmare.” There’s a lot that s*cks (technical term) about being a public figure. But the media didn’t knock her out in that elevator.

Kentucky coach John Calipari is reportedly organizing a two-day scouting combine featuring Wildcat players only for NBA teams. Wonder if someone asked him if the combine would conflict with classes. (“Classes”?)

Nicole Kidman recently said that the celebrity hacked photos story is “very superficial” and “why that would even make news astounds me, but a lot of what makes the news astounds me. I do think we need to be talking about the violence in the world, in terms of Iraq, violence towards women, education and women, what’s happening in Afghanistan.” Well, she got her wish on the “violence towards women” part.

A preliminary investigation shows that Malaysia Airlines flight 17 was likely struck by multiple “high-energy objects from outside the aircraft,” which caused it to crash. What was their first clue?

A picture may not be worth a thousand words

September 8, 2014

But it sure can end an NFL career.

TMZ posted a video this morning of Ray Rice knocking his fiancee out in the elevator, which has provoked new outrage over Rice’s light punishment And Roger Goodell and the NFL claim they never saw it until now. I think I like “tainted supplement” better.

So yeah, makes perfect sense. The NFL reviews video tape in enough detail to know if someone is wearing the wrong brand of socks, but they claim they didn’t look at an available video involving alleged domestic violence. #priorities

Now that the Ray Rice video is out no doubt other NFL players will think seriously about changing their lives. Starting by taking surveillance cameras out of their homes?

“Fox & Friends” host co-host Brian Kilmeade said today that the lesson to be learned from the Ray Rice video was “take the stairs.” Scary thing is that a lot of NFL players probably think he is right.

Not sure when and if Ray Rice will return to the NFL. But wonder how long it will take the now former Ravens RB to get a call from “Celebrity Boxing.”

Wonder if Ray Rice’s wife knew he’d end up cut from the Ravens and suspended from the NFL if she’d have still married him?

All aboard the bus to hell. At least NY Giants fans don’t have to worry about Eli Manning being arrested for domestic violence. 1. Archie raised him right. 2. If Eli DID throw a punch at a woman, no doubt it would be intercepted.

Olive Garden just announced they will sell a ‘never-ending pasta pass’ for $100, which will allow buyers to eat as much of any of 150 pasta dishes they want once a day, every single day, between September 22 and November 9. Along with free breadsticks, soup and salad bar. Does the pass also come with a free diabetes test at the end?

 

Mets are basically eliminated from the postseason, the Yankees are getting close, and the Giants looked awful tonight. So in New York they’re thinking TGFR – “Thank God for The Raiders.”

Raiders players said there was no need to panic after their season-opening loss to the Jets. Makes sense, many Raiders fans were panicked BEFORE the season started.

Marin Cilic beat Kei Nishikori in Monday’s men’s singles final at the U.S. Open. And no doubt U.S television ratings were as great as a PGA tournament with neither Tiger, Phil or even Rory in contention.

The wooden Colossus roller coaster at Six Flags Magic Mountain was closed for renovation a few weeks ago, today it caught fire and partially collapsed. Now that’s a potential thrill ride..

 

More why there is no satire: Hartselle, Alabama, is the largest dry city in the state. And their mayor, Don Hall, has said he opposes the sale of booze within city limits. Last Friday Hall was arrested, driving back from a neighboring town, for alleged DUI….

It’s rather silly to have a magic number for a potential one-game postseason. This having been said, the #SFGiants magic number for a playoff spot is 15.

 

 

NFL Opening Weak.

September 8, 2014

Nice win for the #49ers over the #Cowboys. Looks like SF will be ready next week to start facing NFL competition.

Although I have to say the 49ers game is looking good for Michael Sam.    Looks like the #Cowboys defense could use help asap.

 

And  have to wonder, how until #Cowboys fans will be rooting for Michael Sam to sack and injure Tony Romo in practice.

Meanwhile, during the day on NFL opening Sunday, ESPN aired a Canadian Football League game. Guess they wanted to show viewers a higher quality game than the Raiders-Jets.

Sunday was Derek Jeter Day at Yankee Stadium, with nearly an hour of pregame festivities honoring Jeter’s 20 year career. And then the 2014 Yankees went out and lost 2-0 to the Royals. #fitting

 

Mitt Romney said again that he would have done a better job than President  Obama. Being a Mormon Mitt doesn’t drink wine. But he sure is an expert on sour grapes.

Just a few days after Cleveland coach Mike Pettine said of QB Brian Hoyer “we have his back…. it’s not going to be a quick hook.”, he told ESPN the Browns have prepared Johnny Manziel to play in the season opener against the Steelers, but it would be a “feel thing.” Right, so they have Hoyer’s back, except it might have a knife in it.

ESPN Sunday Night Baseball announcers said last night that the #SFGiants had a couple “mediocre” months. “Mediocre? In June and July they well and truly s*cked.

 

My friend Michael D. has the winning comment on yesterday’s Stanford-USC football game” “It’s just a crying shame the game did not end in a tie so Stanford could have become the first NCAA school to punt in overtime.”

 

 

The saddest thing about Joan Rivers’ funeral:. We didn’t get to hear her say a very funny but completely un-PC and inappropriate comment about the deceased.

 

 

 

 

 

 

From T.C   “According to ESPN, the highest price for a family of four to attend an NFL game is the new Santa Clara stadium of the SF 49ers at $641. The cheapest NFL tickets can be found at Buffalo, where the team might pay you $641 to tell your friends that you were at the game.” . . .

Are you ready for some football? (And baseball.)

September 6, 2014

Oops. ESPN headline   “Runs could be scarce when David Price and the Tigers host Madison Bumgarner and the Giants this afternoon.”  (Not only did the Giants win 5-4, it was 4 to 2 after the first.)

 

 

Nice win for #SFGiants vs Detroit. But Miguel Cabrera against Romo? You could probably have gotten better odds that Miggy WOULDN’T have hit a home run. #sfgiants #hangingslider.

 

Beginning to think the 2014 SF Giants strategy is to save all their hits for the first and last two months of the season?

 

Too much bad stuff for one post after Stanford USC game today. But for starters. 6 Red Zone chances for the Cardinal, 10 points. And two PUNTS for Stanford from USC 32 and 29 year line. Closer than the Trojans were when they kicked their 53 yard game-winning FG. #choke

 

Well at least that #stanford fumble saved fans the agony of watching Williamson miss another field goal. #uscvsstan

Though to be honest, happiest people watching USC vs. Stanford game had to be #Oregon fans. Both teams looked bad.

And USC athletic director Pat Haden actually left his spot in the press box  and came down to the field to argue with referees during the Stanford game.  Wonder if Haden gets equally involved if some professor is about to flunk his players?

San Jose State made $1.5 million to travel to Auburn to play the Tigers, , where they were 31 point underdogs. So was one of the oddmakers in Vegas a Spartans alum?

 

Kei Nishikori upset Novak Djokovic. A match that fans of underdogs and Scrabble players must have loved. #usopen.

 

 

Karma’s a mean b*tch. Or maybe just likes blue. Before the Virginia Tech game,  Urban Meyer made ESPN announcers who visited the Buckeyes’ practice change their blue shirts to red and white OSU shirts. Since blue is Michigan’s color…..  (For non-college football fans, Virginia Tech upset Ohio State, in Columbus.)

In general, the Big Ten is looking like an oxymoron.

 

Scotland is set to vote September 18 on breaking away from the United Kingdom. And a new Sunday Times poll shows independence winning 51% to 49%.    If this secession happens can the US suggest it to Texas?

 

 

Watching #Oregon football highlights. Still can’t pick out where they keep the generator to plug in those uniforms.

Muslim druids?

September 5, 2014

President Obama made an unscheduled stop at Stonehenge after a visit to Wales. How long until we see the Fox News headlines “Obama is a druid.”?

 

 

The NY Daily News reports that the father of the 9 year-old girl who accidentally shot her instructor with an Uzi is a New Jersey “wealth adviser” who oversees more than $1.0 billion in investments. Proving again that money can’t buy common sense. #affluenza

 

Apparently Washington Redskins merchandise sales are down this year with all the controversy. Of course, if the team really wants to sell the stuff, have them change the name, and then all the Redskins’ merchandise remaining becomes collector’s items.

Johnny Manziel has filed for yet another trademark, this time “Johnny Cleveland.” At this rate he may end up the only QB with more trademarks than NFL passing touchdowns.

FSU has apparently just begun an investigation into the 2012 rape accusations against Jameis Winston. And no doubt they will finish the investigation within a year after Winston heads to the NFL.

From Bill Littlejohn  “So if the Saints put a bounty on Wes Welker, do they call it a ‘Molly Hatchet’?

 

 

CNN headlines are all about the unresponsive mystery plane that crashed off the coast of Jamaica. Now, while this is a sad story, apparently it was a small private aircraft with only two people aboard. But at least CNN knows where the plane is.

Kim Kardashian, in a British magazine interview, denies that there will ever be another leaked sex tape. “I never want to make the same mistake twice.” Well, yeah, next time she’ll sell i

Hillary Clinton hasn’t officially made a decision about running for President, but she’s made a decision about the decision: “I am going to be making a decision around, probably after the first of the year about whether I am going to run again.” “Geez, can you make up your mind already” responded Brett Favre.

Hertz at Heathrow Airport charges 62.00 UKL for a week to rent a car, and 70 UKL additional to have a second person drive the car. Clearly car rental agencies are learning from the airlines.

You may not root for Jake Peavy. But going back to pick up a win you started after 2 hrs and 41 minutes is seriously #oldschool #SFGiants

A Northern California couple was arrested after sheriff’s deputies searched their home and found large quantities of marijuana and marijuana candy, along with a loaded shotgun and handgun, all accessible to their children, ages 2 and 4. And over at the NRA, their spokesmen’s heads are exploding.

Thursday night in College Football, Texas A&M Commerce beat East Texas Baptist, 98-20. Today no doubt East Texas Baptist’s phones are ringing of the hook with potential $1 million paydays for future games from the SEC.

Could she talk?

September 4, 2014

Joan Rivers has passed away. What she is no doubt most upset about is that she can’t make inappropriate jokes at her own funeral.

But if Rivers lost weight in her medically induced coma it could be her last dream come true – this after all is a woman who said of Karen Carpenter “I have no sympathy for anyone who gets thin enough to be buried in pleats.”

Best comment though comes from Alex Kaseberg:  “Big Joan Rivers fan. Why do I want to believe that her last words were; “Oh, super, I get to follow Robin Williams.”

“Dancing with the Stars” has announced their 2015 “cast”. Although truthfully the show should be known as “Dancing With a Whole Lot of People You Vaguely Remember or Have Heard Of.”

Former Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell, once considered a potential V.P candidate, was convicted along with his wife on multiple counts of conspiracy to defraud the citizens of Virginia, wire fraud, conspiracy and influence-peddling. Down in Louisiana they’re sniffing,  “Amateurs.”

Suspended Denver Broncos WR Wes Welker, still claiming innocence on how he could have been suspended for drug use, says maybe someone put something in his drink. I see a new business opportunity. Safety beverage lids for athletes? (To go along with something to test for tainted supplements.)

Josh Gordon cannot play for the NFL or CFL this year due to his marijuana suspension, but the Browns receiver is going to work for an Ohio car dealer. So will their slogan be “At least our prices aren’t high?”

Ah for the days when the only days that someone could get anything incriminating from a phone was to pick up an extension and listen in from another room…..

 

In Oregon, a veterinarian who performed emergency surgery on a Great Dane found the dog had eaten 43 1/2 socks. And clothes dryers across the country are now saying they’re the victims of profiling.

Why there is no satire. Bill O’Reilly warned his viewers “When you hear something on a partisan-driven program, do not believe it” And O’Reilly made the statement on Fox News.

More “Why there is no satire.” Little League star Mo’ne Davis has said her first love is basketball and she’d love to be a UConn Husky. And after the LLWS Geno Auriemma called Davis to congratulate her. So now apparently another school has reported the call to the NCAA as a recruiting violation, because Mo’Ne is an 8th grader and student-athletes can’t be contacted until they are in 9th grade…..

Malaysia Airlines has decided to change the name of a promotional competition they were running, called “My Ultimate Bucket List Challenge.” The real challenge is how anyone thought that was a good name in the first place.

The Chicago Cubs announced SS Starlin Castro has a high ankle sprain and will probably miss the rest of the regular season. Uh, except for the Cubs is there anything BUT the regular season?

The Oakland Raiders have settled a lawsuit with 90 cheerleaders who accused the team of not paying minimum wage. The team will pay out a total of $1.25 million. To put that in perspective, that’s about 3% of what the Raiders paid JaMarcus Russell.

Cowboy up?

September 3, 2014

Michael Sam has joined the Cowboys  practice squad. Suppose Brokeback Mountain jokes would be inappropriate.

The Dallas Cowboys actually had a press conference to announce the signing of Michael Sam. Over the top?   Maybe, but these are the Cowboys. it might be the only press conference all year where they have something positive to talk about.

 

It will be great when “openly gay” player joins “fill-in-the-blank” team becomes a non-story. The same way “openly black” player is now a non-story. But we need the stories to get to the non-story.

 

 

NY Jets practice squad WR Quincy Enunwa was arrested after an alleged domestic dispute last Sunday. Maybe Enunwa is trying too hard to prove he is really NFL ready.

Is it just me or are a lot of the people responding to the picture hacking scam by saying “Don’t take naked pictures” the same people who you really don’t want to see naked?

Wow. Not the Onion. ESPN reports that 1.3% of fantasy football teams own Tim Tebow. Of course some of these fantasy owners who have Tebow are probably the same folks who win the NCAA March Madness pool by picking colors.

 

From my comedy writing friend Dhaya Lakshiminarayanan – I’d say George Clooney, but she might be onto something.  “The reason we need more women in computer science is so female hackers can hack into icloud to give us hot naked pics of Channing Tatum.

CVS has stopped selling tobacco products. Not sure how it will affect their bottom line but at least it will eliminate the long slow lines getting longer and slower when the clerk has to go get the requested cigarettes out of the cases.

 

Tom Brady on potential retirement ” ‘When I suck, I’ll retire.” Think we have a contender for the most likely sign to be seen in the stands when the Patriots are on the road.

 

The Cleveland Browns have apparently told Brian Hoyer he IS their starting QB, it’s “his offense,” and that it’s not going to be a quick hook.” Translation, Hoyer’s job is safe for at least one quarter.

Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson on ISIS/ISIL “I’d much rather have a Bible study with all of them and show them the error of their ways and point them to Jesus Christ. However, if it’s a gunfight and a gunfight alone, if that’s what they’re looking for, me personally, I am prepared for either one.” Suppose it’s wrong of me to ask, anyone want to take up a collection to send Robertson over there to try?

 

Ah September, when the sting of an ugly 9-2 #SFGiants loss can almost be erased by an 14 inning 8-5 #Dodgers loss.

All these pennant races and it was the #Diamondbacks vs #Padres on Wed. night baseball. #ESPN must really want to get us in the mood for #NFL football.

What me worry? Coors Field safe leads and other myths.

September 3, 2014

coors

Leads are so unsafe at Coors Field that you don’t even need a voodoo cat.  But one can help.   (SF Giants down 6-0, won 12-7)

Meanwhile, anyone seen the #CoorsField humidor repairman? #SFGiants #Rockies

ESPN reporting the Cowboys are is bringing in Michael Sam for a physical Wednesday, and they hope to sign him to the Dallas practice squad. Not sure who will have a harder time, Cowboys fans who are homophobic and can’t stand the idea of rooting for a gay man, or gay-friendly liberals who can’t stand the idea of rooting for Dallas.

The NY Yankees announced that the entire team will wear a patch honoring Derek Jeter’s final-season logo on their hats and uniforms from Sept. 7 through the end of the season. Gosh. I know I’ve been busy and probably missed the initial coverage, but just how many months does poor Jeter have left to live?

From Alex Kaseberg.  “The New York Yankees will mark the rest of the year by wearing Derek Jeter patches on their hats and uniforms. In addition, the clubhouse will feature Alex Rodriguez toilet paper.”

No joke, the owner of a shooting range where a 9 year old girl accidentally killed her instructor with an Uzi said shooting the gun was “something that was high on her bucket list to do.” A bucket list? At 9? Maybe because with this kind of stupidity from her parents none of them will live to be old?

Another air rage incident over reclining seats results in a plane being diverted, this time Delta. Of course, the airlines could avoid these issues by putting their seats far enough apart for average humans…. Or more likely they’ll start training their flight crews in the use of handcuffs.

The state of Colorado isn’t taking in as much in taxes on legalized marijuana as expected. On the other hand, law enforcement costs must be down. And is the state figuring in taxes from increased tourism, and sales taxes on junk food?

SF 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh was asked if he had a comment on the 49ers’ NFL-leading 10 arrests since 2012, and responded, “We’re going to do everything in our power to make sure there isn’t a pattern forming.” Uh, coach, there’s ALREADY a pattern forming.

Stanford beat UC Davis 45-0 last Saturday and fell two places in the Coaches’ Poll. Clearly they should have held the Aggies to negative points.

The NFL has apparently suspended Wes Welker four games for use of amphetamines. Let the “tainted supplement” whining begin, again.

So the story is that Wes Welker allegedly took MDMA (Molly) while attending the Kentucky Derby in May. How stupid can he be if so. The official mind-altering drug of choice during the Derby is always the Mint Julep.

 

It’s now the “USA Today AMWAY Top 25 Coaches Poll.” Once again, can’t imagine how college football players get the idea playing the sport should be about money.

My friend Jon N. says “Actually, Amway only named the top five. Then each of those five had to select five. Then, by adding more levels, everyone enjoys greater success!

Justin Bieber was arrested again this weekend while vacationing  in Ontario, Canada. Bieber was charged for dangerous driving and assault after his ATV allegedly collided with a minivan. Clearly another international incident that is a failure of Obama’s leadership…. Time to secure that Northern Border.

Scattered pictures…

September 1, 2014

 

Ricky Gervais sparked a controversy by tweeting: ‘Celebrities, make it harder for hackers to get nude pics of you from your computer by not putting nude pics of yourself on the computer.’ Must say, there are some advantages of being from the generation that grew up with Polaroid.

 

 

The FBI said today it is looking into the celebrity nude picture leaks. That stampeding sound you hear is all the agents volunteering to lead the investigation.

 

 

Kim Kardashian appears to be one of the few “celebrity” women whose photos haven’t been hacked. Either that or the hackers figured her nude pictures were old news.

What’s next, the hackers demanding ransom? As in if we don’t all pay it they may leak nude photos of Rob Ford?

 

So did even hackers decide they didn’t want to see V Stiviano nude pictures? #Sopasther15minutes

 

Houston fired manager Bo Porter, although the Astros are ahead of the Texas Rangers and have a better record than the Arizona Diamondbacks and the Colorado Rockies. So was Porter fired for over achieving?

Controversial “The Bachelor” couple Juan Pablo and Nikki Ferrell are still dating. But they’ve now signed up for “Couples Therapy” which is a VH1 reality show. Well, this ought to do wonders for the rumors they’re just in it for the publicity.

Gov. Rick Perry deleted and then disavowed a tweet from his verified Twitter account which had a picture of D.A. Rosemary Lehmberg, “I don’t always drive drunk at 3x the legal blood alcohol limit… …but when I do, I indict Gov. Perry for calling me out about it. I am the most drunk Democrat in Texas.” So what, does Perry have 3 people in charge of his account and he only told 2 of them to “stay classy?”

 

Andrew Susac singles and scores the winning run in today’s suspended SF Giants- Colorado Rockies May 22 game. How impressive is the Giants rookie catcher – he wins a game two months before he gets called up to the majors?

Congratulations to the #SFGiants Gary Brown, who finally got his September call-up to the big leagues. The knock on Brown has been that he can’t hit major league pitching. But doesn’t that describe most of the Giants lineup for much of this season?