Archive for March 2013

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Our long national nightmare is over.

March 31, 2013

Baseball’s back!   And the Houston Astros magic number is 161!

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As the MLB season starts, the 2013 Houston Astros may indeed end up awful , but they will almost certainly give their fans more good moments this year for $25 million than A-Rod will give Yankees fans for $29 million.

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New UCLA men’s basketball coach Steve Alford signed a 10 year contract with New Mexico just 10 days before taking the Bruins job. Can’t wait to hear Alford talk to recruits about commitment to the team.

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So it’s now newsworthy, not when a senator says he will cross party lines for a vote, but when he says that he will actually allow a vote? Sigh. But Sen. Lindsey Graham said Sunday he wouldn’t filibuster gun control legislation being considered in the Senate.

 

Today is the 75th anniversary of Abbott and Costello’s “Who’s on First” sketch. To give you an idea how long ago that was, most of the 2013 Yankees’ starting lineup was still in Little League.

 

Could today have been worse for Kevin Ware? Well, normally when a Louisville star breaks a leg that badly, it happens at Churchill Downs…

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Hope no one wished the Cardinals luck today by saying “break a leg.”

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Radio announcer said late in the Louisville-Duke game –  “Coach K looks resigned. Things not trending his way.”   Down 15 with less than three minutes to go. Ya think?

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For those whose brackets are busted, baseball season brings with a whole number of potential new bets.  For example, what day will the Chicago Cubs be eliminated from playoff contention?

 

From my friend Alex  Kaseberg: “In their baseball preview issue, “Sports Illustrated” picked the Chicago Cubs to finish last in their division. Whoa, way to go out on a limb, “Sports Illustrated.” Next thing you know you’ll pick a Kenyan to win a marathon.”

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Happy Easter

March 31, 2013

And remember, love may fade, but Marshmallow Peeps are forever.

 

All this talk about Buster Posey being a San Francisco Giant for life….But it’s an 8 year contract! Posey will be 34 when it’s over. Making him almost old enough to play for the New York Yankees.

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The Seattle Seahawks’ Chris Clemons said he’s not homophobic but it would be selfish for an NFL player to come out, since one’s sexuality should be left “at home.” Right, based on that long tradition of men not talking about sex and women in locker rooms…..

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Many Stanford women’s basketball fans were unhappy when President Obama said that their team would lose to Cal in the NCAA Tournament. And as it turns out, Obama WAS wrong….

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Some are talking about lowering the baskets for women’s basketball to increase scoring. After watching a few rounds of NCAA’s thinking maybe we need to do that for  the college men too.

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UCLA has hired Steve Alford as their new men’s basketball coach. Which means Bruins fans can look forward in 2014 to another weekend in the NCAA tournament.

 

The Yankees’ Andy Pettitte says he expects to be in the World Series. Is    Pettite angling for a trade already?

 

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The National Zoo has artificially inseminated their female panda. Waiting for the first conservative politician to say it’s another example of Obama showing disrespect for traditional panda marriage.

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The under-over in Las Vegas for complete games in MLB this season by ANY pitcher in 2013 is 6 1/2. For the entire season. The Detroit Tigers’ Mickey Lolich had 29 complete games in 1971.

 

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Well, he’s a douchebag but a creative douchebag. A 61 year old Virginia man, angry that his girlfriend had broken up with him, was arrested after he allegedly placed a fake Craigslist ad with her picture and address saying she was a “senior lady” looking for casual sex.

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TSA has decided just to suspend 17 employees at Newark who were originally going to be fired “because it was determined that they did not ‘intentionally’ violate procedures associated with checked baggage screening.” Well, it’s not like they messed up on anything important…..

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Michael Steinberg, a NY hedge fund executive, was arrested at his Park Ave apartment today on charges to conspiracy and securities fraud.

Steinberg’s lawyer said “he did absolutely nothing wrong.”   Of course, it’s probably the fault of all the profiling police do of hedge fund executives.

 

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The ring’s not the thing.

March 29, 2013

The Cowboys just gave Tony Romo a six year $108 million deal. Wow. Well, at least Dallas won’t have to find additional room in their budget for Super Bowl rings.

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Just thinking, if marriage is all about procreation and children, should we require a woman to be pregnant before a couple marries? Just to make sure they’re doing it for the right reasons…

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The San Francisco Giants are apparently trying to figure out a way to get rid of or cut down on the number of seagulls that show up at A T and T Park in the late innings. Four words “Bring your cat day!”

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Buster Posey and SF Giants have signed 8 year $167 million deal, though few expect him to catch for all 8 years. And if this 1st base thing doesn’t work out, even in 8 years Buster probably could still pitch faster than Barry Zito.

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Meanwhile, Justin Verlander has signed a 7 year contract extension for $180 million. This is great news for the Tigers. And how far have the mighty fallen when the Yankees make staying in Detroit look good?

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Rush Limbaugh said today that conservatives “lost the issue” of same-sex marriage by “allowing the word ‘marriage’ to be bastardized and redefined by simply adding words to it.” Hmm, wonder if Rush’s four ex-wives agree with him.

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When I was in Sunday School often used to ask why it was called “Good Friday.” Seems like for Jesus there wasn’t much “good” about it.

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Truth from my friend Alex Kaseberg:  “A North Carolina company has a dog IQ test for $60. The first sign your dog is smarter than you? If you spend $60 on a dog IQ test.”

One of the (all too brief) joys of March Madness. Rooting wholeheartedly for a team you didn’t know existed last week.

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Alaska Rep. Don Young says he “meant no disrespect” when he referred to describe migrant workers on his father’s old ranch as “wetbacks.” Between Young and Palin is Alaska trying to give Arizona and Florida a run in the crazy sweepstakes?

Willie Nelson, keep on smokin’ – “I never thought of marriage as something only for men and women. But I’d never marry a guy I didn’t like.”

Kim Jong Un and George W. Bush… Both destined to make us miss their fathers?

 

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From my funny friend Abbe Nelson:  The only reason Dallas signed Tony Romo to such a long contract is that Jerry Jones found God and he wants to hear the home crowd stand up and yell Jesus Christ.

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Another #1 bites the dust…

March 28, 2013

In this case,  Indiana.     Bobby Knight had better aim with his chairs than the Hoosiers had with some of their shots tonight.

 

The Patriots’ Rob Gronkowski said today he would be accepting of a gay teammate. Good for him. But why is this harder for players than, for example, accepting a teammate who is a rapist.

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Best thing about tonight’s mostly lopsided Sweet Sixteen games… realizing we are only 3 days from MLB opening day.

 

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Johan Santana’s 2013 Mets’ season is probably over with a shoulder injury. Should we declare him an honorary NY Yankee?

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The NBA has said, “Oops, Kobe Bryant really did foul Ricky Rubio” – on Rubio’s last second shot that might have tied the game. Not that it affects the Lakers’ 120-117 win over the T’wolves. And it’s not as if the league has any rea$on to want Lo$ Angele$ in the playoff$…..

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Tiffany’s has just come out with a new collection of World Champion SF Giants memorabilia. This opposed to World Champion Cubs memorabilia which is in their “archaeology” collection.

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A Cosmopolitan article says the three words men most don’t want to hear from a woman is “I look fat.” Uh, I would say those three are at best a distant second to “Can we talk?”

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How new is the University of Florida Gulf Coast? Their oldest alums are 37. Wow. That’s too young to play for the NY Yankees.

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United Airlines is now offering their Mileage Plus members a free one year membership in AARP. Wonder if they are offering the same deal to some of their flight attendants?

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Three New Jersey men in were arrested for smoking marijuana New Jersey – in the parking lot of a police barracks. Can’t imagine how pot gets the reputation of messing with your short-term memory.

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Mitt Romney says he doesn’t miss the campaign trail, saying “I like the life of being an American citizen. It’s good to live a normal life again.” Wonder if after Mitt said this he got in his private plane to head to one of his vacation homes for the weekend?

 

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New York starting pitcher Phil Hughes has officially been placed on the disabled list for opening day. Looking like this year’s Yankee theme song will be “Another One Bites The Dust.”

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Due to a number of accidents including a refinery fire, the Chevron’s board has cut CEO John Watson’s bonus and stock options by 10-20%. In 2011, Watson made $24.7 million. Gosh, how will he feed his family?

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Shades of red?

March 27, 2013

So are color-blind people wondering why Facebook suddenly has all these green rectangles?

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27 in a row without losing. Well, it was a nice streak for the #MiamiHeat. Curiously enough that’s probably the same streak Tiger Woods had with waitresses.

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Poster held by a man in support of gay marriage  “If Liza Minnelli can marry two gay men why can’t I marry one?”

Guess it would be un-PC to suggest that Nicole Kidman and Katie Holmes could also both marry a gay man.

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Former USC star Matt Barkley apparently had a good day throwing in front of NFL scouts. So looks like NFL fans will get a chance to be disappointed by another Trojan quarterback.

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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg:   “A report claims a gay NFL player is considering coming out, but he is concerned about the reaction from homophobic fans. The NFL fans should be fine with a gay player. This is a sport with skin-tight pants, shoulder pads, tight-ends, eye-makeup, touchdown dances and stylish headwear.”

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The Scottish government has decided to ignore threats from Donald Trump and build 11 giant wind turbines off their east coast. Trump says they will spoil the view from his new golf course. But maybe he’s really worried that the turbines will blow away the furry thing that lives on his head.

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Phil Jackson is now on Twitter. Guess he decided in view of California’s environmental laws to switch from smoke signals.

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Kay Hagan of North Carolina is the latest senator to announce her support for gay marriage. Will the last Democrat to decide to join the party please turn on the light for the GOP senators left in the dark?

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Metta World Peace is the latest Los Angeles Lakers player to be injured, and will miss at least six weeks with knee surgery. It’s not just disappointing their fans, this year’s Lakers are really adding to taxpayer costs for Medicare.

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Tim McCarver says he will retire from the broadcast booth after calling this year’s World Series. And across America, folks are thinking, why wait so long, enjoy the summer with your family….

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Actress Jessica Brown Findlay (Lady Sybil on Downton Abbey) said in an interview she regrets going topless in 2011 movie “Albatross.” In related news, downloads of the movie “Albatross” have increased 1000%.

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So one issue with same-sex marriage for some is the fact that gay couples can’t “naturally” procreate. Anyone but me hoping that at least a few gay children have been born to the Duggars?

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Stanford football coach David Shaw says that one thing he looks for in a recruit is a good vocabulary. SEC coaches respond that they are raising their own standards, and now have a few recruits who can spell “vocabulary.”

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Really? Boston College is demanding an end to student-run “Safe Sites”, where students distribute condoms out of their dorm rooms, saying it’s a “violation of the school’s Roman Catholic values.” Thinking at the point of going to a “Safe Site”, condoms would result in the least possible Catholic “values” being violated.

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You know you’re old when…

March 26, 2013

You think of showing your support for something with a bumper sticker, instead of changing your profile picture.

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As the internet buzzes with the possibility of an active NFL player coming out, remember Willie Mays, asked at the age of 80 if MLB was ready for an openly gay player. His response “Can he hit?”

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Apparently in oral arguments,  Supreme Court justices Scalia and Alito were asking question related to the statement “We don’t know the effects of same sex parenting on children.” Uh, could it be any worse, than say the effects of heterosexual parenting, with say, Dina Lohan or Kris Jenner?

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If all gay weddings required a 21-gun salute, would more Republicans be in favor of allowing them?

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A man  has won $8,000 in a lawsuit from Disneyland after he was trapped in the “It’s a Small World” ride for more than 30 minutes. Had he been stuck for much longer it might have been a violation of the Geneva convention.

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Nike has started another controversy with a new ad showing Tiger Woods lining up a putt behind the slogan, “Winning takes care of everything.” Well, at least the ad is honest.

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Not sure how Lindsay Vonn and Tiger Woods celebrated his regaining the world #1 ranking. Guessing she didn’t send him out to pick up take-out pancakes.

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So all this excitement over the same sex marriage debate, then no ruling until June. It’s as if we had the early rounds of March Madness now, and then the Final Four after the NBA finals.

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President Obama is planning to appoint Julia Pierson as the first female director of the U.S. Secret Service. Well that’s one way to avoid Columbian prostitute scandals.

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There’s always a silver lining. Manti Te’o has to be thrilled in some ways that the headlines now are mostly just about his disappointing 40 yard dash times. (4.71 .)

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One of Justin Bieber’s neighbors has accused the singer of battery following an argument over loud parties? Really, just how desperate for money do you have to be go to down in history as the punchline who claims to have been smacked down by Bieber?

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Kanye West reportedly wants to call his new album “I am God.” Who knew, Kim Kardashian might end up being the more responsible parent?

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Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar, with 19 children, say they are open to the idea of the idea of adoption. Many think they should have started adopting about 14-15 children ago.

(Pete Brody says maybe they can adopt octomoms 14 and they can have a rolling rock 33)

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Glenn Beck is now saying that the Muslim Brotherhood is behind the ethics investigation of Michele Bachmann, because of her efforts against radical Islam. Forget welfare recipients, maybe it’s time to drug-test media hosts..

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From T.C.  “Dionne Warwick owes $10 Million in back taxes. The IRS left her a singing message on her voicemail, “Do you know the way to San Quentin?””

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Spring has sprung?

March 25, 2013

A silver lining to Monday for many sports fans – there was no chance today for any more busted brackets.

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Anyone considered that maybe Punxsutawney Phil was right?  And that this is just going to be a really really cold spring….

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According to the NY Times, senior citizens are increasingly using recreational marijuana. So to serve that market, how long until we see Doritos’ flavored Ensure?

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While Los Angeles made it closer at the end, Golden State was beating up on the Los Angeles Lakers so badly at halftime the Warriors  could have been charged with elder abuse.

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UCLA has fired men’s basketball coach Ben Howland. Well, if Howand wants a chance with another underachieving team, there may soon be an opening with the Lakers.

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Former RNC chair Michael Steele on the GOP – “”However, we are not a religious party. And we need to understand that America’s not looking for a religious party.” Well, he’s half right.

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A thought about Costa Rica’s protest about playing their soccer match against the USA in the snow. Just wait until the 2022 World Cup in Qatar. With average daytime temperatures of 106…..

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UCLA fired Ben Howland after they lost to Minnesota. Minnesota fired Tubby Smith after they lost to Florida. This does not bode well for the losing coach in the Florida-University of Florida Gulf Coast game.

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Some conservative media complaining that Sasha and Malia Obama are vacationing at the Atlantis resort in the Bahamas. Of course if they were driven to an inexpensive Florida beach resort the same folks would complain that they were wrecking spring break for middle class families with the extra traffic and security.

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The New York Yankees will open the season with about $82 million of players on the disabled list. To put that in perspective, that’s about the payroll of the Astros and Pirates combined..

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Not watching the NBC interview but apparently Jerry Sandusky was laughing in his denial that anyone could have imagined that what they heard and saw in that Penn State locker room meant he was having sex with a boy. Can’t we just hurry up and put this guy in the general population.

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In light of his recent public announcement of a romance with Lindsay Vonn, was it really the best idea for the NY Daily News to have posted this headline about Tiger Woods’ win today?: “Tiger back on top.”

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Geek humor. The band “My Chemical Romance” has split up. Did they use electrolysis?

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So why aren’t the people defending “traditional” marriage also pushing for amendments to outlaw divorce?

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From my funny friend Jim Barach:  “A Huffington Post writer is looking for people who claim to have had sex with a space alien. He should start by talking to Dennis Rodman’s mother.”

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Ford is apologizing after ads submitted to them for a competition ended up on line. One featured 3 women bounded and gagged in the back of a Ford Figo, another had 3 male race-car drivers in the same situation, and in the 3rd it was the Kardashian sisters. Absolutely appalling, well maybe except the last one.

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Token Cat Post

March 25, 2013

Token Cat Post

“You say it’s a bag, I say it’s a cat cave.”

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How Sweet Sixteen it is.

March 25, 2013

Screw brackets. University of Florida Gulf Coast is just plain fun to watch.

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But thinking  anyone who said they have Florida Gulf Coast vs. San Diego State playing for the right to go to the Sweet 16 must be really good at Liars’ Dice.

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Indiana miraculously proving that these day’s it’s not a good idea to bet against a Harbaugh in big games. (Joani Harbaugh is married to their coach.)

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Although for my male readers,   Florida Gulf Coast coach Andy Enfield is married to Amanda Marcum, a former swimsuit model.    (If you haven’t seen her, this is what Google is for,  guys.  Have fun.)

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An unknown New Jersey resident bought the lone winning powerball ticket, worth $338 million. Wow. That’s enough money to move out of New Jersey.

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The Sweet 16 includes TWO teams from the Pacific Time Zone. So at this point watching #MarchMadness will get fans ready for ESPN’s usual baseball coverage.

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The Miami Heat won their 26th straight game tonight, without Dwayne Wade. Okay, but against the Charlotte Bobcats at home, shouldn’t this game have an asterisk?

 

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Karl Rove said today that Democrats need to “stop scaring people” with regards to gun policies and gun control reform. Apparently Rove thinks that scaring people should remain a Republican job.

 

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In northern Utah, a Chevron fuel spill near a bird refuge, originally estimated at 6,000 gallons may have leaked as much as 27,000 gallons. And Chevron will now need government approval to reopen the pipeline. Wonder how long it will take the oil company to add the cost of cleanup to gas prices?

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ESPN advertising opening night baseball next Sunday, the Rangers vs. the Astros. Guess they figure they can get those Texas teams out of the way early and then go back to Yankees-Red Sox.

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The Lakers apparently come out of their pre-game huddle saying “championship.” The way the team is playing now, does Los Angeles think they could win the NCAA’s

 

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Serious sports question:  Two NCAA wins aided and possibly decided today by bad calls (OSU and Miami). Maybe in a one-and-done tournament time for a little more instant replay?

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Serious gay marriage  question as the issue moves to the Supreme Court:   Good people can disagree on abortion, but why aren’t ALL conservatives who talk about religious freedom and small government lined up to say it’s nobody’s business who you marry?

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And bus to hell time from T.C.    The controversy over horsemeat in  European hamburgers continues. My question for the week:   Do  their “Quarter Pounders” contain meat from “Quarter Horses”?

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Shockers?

March 23, 2013

Really, Wichita State?  You couldn’t have come up with a more original name if you were going to knock off a #1 seed?

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All these NCAA teams moving onto the Sweet 16 with less than great regular seasons… maybe the gap between college and pro basketball is less than we thought?

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Lindsay Lohan had her SIXTH mugshot taken this week. Is it too soon to start a pool on the date for the seventh?

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Some are whining about Hanley Ramirez’s WBC injury. What about Curtis Granderson and Chase Headley, who both broke bones in spring training games. What’s the solution – skip all practice so out-of-shape players can all get hurt when the season starts?

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Dr. James Andrews told ESPN that RG III’s recovery from knee surgery has been “unbelievable.” So sounds like the Redskins’ QB might be healthy enough to be re-injured in the season opener.

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Stanford men lost to Alabama 68-54 today in the second round of the NIT. On the brighter side, most Cardinal fans would have been delirious if someone said pre-season that their basketball team would last longer in the postseason than Kentucky.

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San Francisco’s Archbishop,  Salvatore Cordileone, who opposes gay marriage,  believes that that therapy can change sexual orientation.   If true, wouldn’t you think the Catholic Church would have used such therapy on some of their priests?

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CEO Howard Schultz to a shareholder who complained Starbucks’s support of gay marriage hurt the company: “If you feel, respectfully, that you can get a higher return than the 38 percent you got last year, it’s a free country. You can sell your shares of Starbucks and buy shares in another company. Thank you very much.”

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Powerball jackpot today over $320 million. Of course, your chances of winning if you played were statistically about the same as if you don’t play.

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The U.S. may have discovered the secret to winning international soccer competitions. Declare it an outdoor winter sport!

 

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Whatever you think of Jay Leno, he’s leading in the late night ratings. So of course it makes sense for NBC to replace him. He’s messing with their streak.

 

So as a distraction from shredded brackets finally watched the end of season 3 of Downton Abbey. Time to watch something cheerier, like more shredded brackets tomorrow.

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More madness….

March 22, 2013

Theme of a lot of people’s #Marchmadness brackets after today. “One round and done.”

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The “Catholic 7”   founding members of the new Big East include Georgetown,  Villanova, and Marquette and DePaul.  And then there’s Notre Dame. Last time Catholics were as embarrassed as in this #Marchmadness, priests and altar boys were involved.

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For most American sports fans, this weekend is the exciting second round of March Madness. For anyone who had Wisconsin, Marquette, Georgetown , New Mexico and/or Kansas State in the Final Four… we’re only about a week away from MLB opening day.

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A 42 year old former Tennessee Titans cheerleader was arrested for allegedly offering to perform sex acts on a 12-year-old boy. She told the police she was drunk, “confused”, and thought the boy was a man she knew. And across the country guy are thinking “That’s awful – why didn’t any cheerleaders get drunk and confused when I was 12?”

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If you feel stupid about college basketball today just think – you could be the rocket scientist who seeded the West bracket….

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A falling boulder damaged an SUV on US Highway 101 near Sausalito this morning. Bummer. If a rock was going to fall on an SUV why couldn’t it be one parked in a “compacts only” space?

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Not a good morning for the Badgers. Last time sports fans in Wisconsin were this upset, a Brett Favre retirement was involved.

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A Frenchman was arrested for impersonating an Air France and sitting in the cockpit of a US Airways plane at Philadelphia Airport. Wonder if the flight attendants became suspicious when the man declined a pre-flight cocktail.

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Iowa State upset Notre Dame tonight. At least those who have their brackets further busted can take some consolation in the fact that we won’t have to see those lime-green uniform monstrosities anymore.

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Meanwhile, UCLA  continued their best  efforts to be more disappointing this year than the Lakers.

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In the meantime, the Los Angeles Lakers lost, AT HOME, to the Washington Wizards.  Making this Kobe and company’s best effort so far to make a case that the Lakers should be at least an NCAA six seed.

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NBC is going to air some jailhouse interviews with Jerry Sandusky next week. Wow. I know the network is struggling, but why couldn’t they try to get ratings with something classier like mud wrestling. the Octomom,  or “Girls Gone Wild?”

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A Texas woman saw a snake, threw gasoline on it, and set the poor reptile on fire. The snake slithered into a nearby brush pile, starting a fire that burned down the house. Mother Nature and Karma together can be mean bitches.

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From my friend M.D. “I’m pretty sure there are no perfect brackets left in America, because the guy who had Harvard AND Florida Gulf Coast could not get out of the institution long enough to submit it. Hell, he couldn’t even get out of the strait jacket.”

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The Knicks clinched a playoff spot tonight. Thereby assuring that New York sports fans with a masochistic streak will have alternatives in April to watching the Mets.

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Missed it by that much .

March 21, 2013

(this post was done March 21,  but somehow wasn’t appearing.  Gremlins….)

 

So does Harvard count as a Cinderella since they won after midnight?

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Congrats to Harvard. Although Johnny Dawkins at Stanford now may have an even harder time explaining why academic requirements prevent him from recruiting an NCAA tournament team.

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New Pac 12 Men’s Basketball Motto: “We Suck Less Than You Thought.”

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(Note to NCAA seeding committee:  Did anyone notice that Oregon’s injured star point guard Dominic Artis has been back for a while now?)

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16 March Madness games started Thursday at 1215p EST. Office productivity will be falling faster than Congress’s approval ratings….

And sorry folks, Bucknell is NOT the new Butler….

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Watching Senators calling for an invasion of Syria…. Sigh. Once again I missed the rule that says military expenditures don’t count towards the deficit.

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In talking about a gay conversion therapy bill, N.J. Gov. Chris Christie reportedly said he never reads bills before they hit his desk for approval. And somewhere Sarah Palin is saying “Why start then?”

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That deep sigh you hear across the country belongs to all those bracket makers who didn’t think Gonzaga was over-rated.

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Just got an announcement for a Steve Miller Band concert in June at Lake Tahoe. Of course these days the song is probably “Shuffle Like an Eagle.”

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Retiring Georgia Senator Saxby Chambliss said he won’t join Rob Portman in supporting gay marriage, adding “I’m not gay. So I’m not going to marry one.” Sigh. So guess not being a woman is his excuse for being against reproductive rights?

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For those who think basketball is a trivial waste of time, then there’s Kim Kardashian reportedly saying in a deposition this week that she really loved Kris Humphries. Their divorce case will finally go to trial May 6, meaning the proceedings will have lasted 10 times longer than their marriage.

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Gentlemen, and ladies, start your excuses…..

March 20, 2013

And if you are reading this, you are probably too late to change your brackets.

“One and done” has some disadvantages and advantages. Last year’s Kentucky players didn’t get to see them raise the NCAA championship banner, this year’s won’t be on campus for all the Robert Morris jokes.

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President Obama formally revealed all of this NCAA picks this morning on ESPN. Despite alleged GOP attempts to filibuster them.

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Apparently Derek Jeter may start the season on the DL. Though he still hopes to sit in the Yankees dugout, yelling at the other team’s punks to get off his field.

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Syracuse’s basketball program is apparently again under NCAA investigation. How will we know when the allegations are really serious? When Jim Boeheim resigns to spend more time with his family.

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James Madison won their play-in game for the right to play Indiana. Isn’t this a bit like winning the Christians competition for the right to go against the Lions?

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Lindsay Lohan, who reportedly hit the clubs after her rehab plea deal is now saying “It wasn’t me.” Maybe the “Parent Star” star is taking this “evil twin” thing a bit too seriously?

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Wisconsin will open their 2015 football season against Alabama. Guess the “Little Sisters of the Poor” aren’t available?

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The Tonight Show may be moving back to New York in late 2014. So first question, will all those Dodgers jokes become Yankees jokes or Mets jokes?

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Open note to Michelle Shocked: Just shut up and go away again. Your 15 minutes have expired.

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Neiman Marcus has paid an undisclosed fine to the FTC in a settlement. Apparently they were selling real fur products and pretending they were fake fur.

As opposed to many Neiman Marcus shoppers who pretend they have “real” faces and bodies when they are….nah, I don’t need to finish this sentence.

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At Knoxville airport, Delta workers ordered pizza to be delivered to passengers stuck on the tarmac for a flight diverted due to bad weather. The really shocking thing… the airline didn’t charge them by the slice.

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Hanley Ramirez injured his thumb in the WBC final, and may be out up to 10 weeks. At this point the Dodgers and Yankees may not end up in the World Series, but they could meet up in a special baseball edition of “Survivor.”

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From my friend Jim Barach, yeah, this just about sums it up.  “On the tenth anniversary of the invasion of Iraq, 53% of Americans say the war was a mistake. The other 47% are still debating between disaster, debacle and catastrophe.”

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All in the family trivia: If Indiana wins the NCAA tournament another Harbaugh will be celebrating with a trophy – Joanie Crean, wife of coach Tom Crean, is Jack and Jim’s sister.

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Okay, March Madness brackets aside – Angie or Kree to win American Idol. IMHO.

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My not-so-old Kentucky is home.

March 19, 2013

First round NIT – Robert Morris 59, Kentucky 57. Puts a whole new meaning on “One and done.”

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Not saying the Kentucky team was young, but after the game coach John Calipari was so upset he gave all the starters time-outs.

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Btw, those same Kentucky Wildcats when the season started?  The favorite at 6-1 to win the entire NCAA tournament.  Guess that means Nerlens Noel was really the One without who they were Done?

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One of many signs this whole college basketball system needs reworking though –  when with the top teams most fans recognize fewer of the players than the coaches.

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Coach Rex Ryan said the New York Jets have to get better at QB, adding that Tim Tebow would get the opportunity to compete. And he said it with a straight face.

 

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New Jersey has decided to try allowing Atlantic City casinos to offer fantasy sports betting. Don’t most casinos already allow fantasy betting? As in picking the Cubs to win the World Series.

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A study has shown that the resveratol in red wine may help prevent Alzheimer’s. Or if you drink enough of it at least the wine gives you a good reason to forget things.  (or as my friend Linda says, you won’t care if you forget things..)

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Got to love it, Tiger Woods announces he is dating Lindsey Vonn, posts a number of pictures, and thanks fans on his Facebook page for “respecting our privacy.”

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Lindsey Vonn apparently was making jokes a couple years ago about Tiger Woods and his “sex addiction.” Have to wonder the odds on in another couple years Lindsey herself ending up part of the punchline.

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Derek Jeter was scratched from the Yankees spring training game today with a “cranky ankle.” About the only good news for New York these days is that most of their injures should be covered by Medicare.

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Ok, the story of a University of Central Florida student who planned to shoot students isn’t funny, but then there’s this quote from an evacuated young woman “”There were police everywhere, students out there half-dressed, no shoes, in the cold….” The weather was in the 60s.

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Reportedly Lindsay Lohan chose rehab because she was scared of jail. But not scared enough apparently to start just following the law….

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Telling NBC jokes has apparently gotten Jay Leno with network executives. Fortunately, since he’s still on NBC, very few people are actually hearing the jokes.

 

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Michelle Shocked has had several shows canceled after making an anti-gay slur at a San Francisco concert. Two questions. Who the heck is Michelle Shocked? And is she angling to open for Ted Nugent?

 

After a South Carolina primary, looks like the House special election will be between Mark Sanford, former Governor and “Appalachian trail” hiker and Elizabeth Colbert Bush, sister of Stephen Colbert. Not sure about state residents, but comedians across the country are thinking ‘Thank you, Jesus.”

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From Bill Littlejohn:  Now, the Broncos have offered Dumervil a contract—talk about bringing Elvis back from the dead”
 
(Elvis’s agent, however, is no doubt still as dead as Generalissmo Francisco Franco)

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Only about 325 to go?

March 18, 2013

Lindsay Lohan has accepted a plea deal involving 90 days in rehab. It’s all part of Los Angeles’s “33 strikes and you’re out policy”

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First Elvis Dumervil’s late fax, now, according to the Patriots, Wes Welker’s agent is the reason the WR isn’t back with New England. Hard to believe there’s been this much bad publicity about agents and Scott Boras isn’t involved.

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John Boehner has said today that he ‘can’t imagine’ his views on gay marriage will ever shift, even if he had a son who was gay. Brave words from a man with two daughters.

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Belated St. Patrick’ Day toast. “May your troubles last as long as your pristine brackets.”

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Video game maker Electronic Arts Inc. said today their CEO will step down at the end of the month. Shocking to many in Silicon Valley. Electronic Arts is still in business?!

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One of the young men convicted in the Steubenville, Ohio rape case apologized and said “No pictures should have been sent out, let alone been taken.” Uh, what about nothing they took pictures of should have happened, PERIOD.

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Baltimore Ravens coach John Harbaugh, says the team will be different next year but that’s a good thing — “The worst mistake you can make is trying to hold a team together” And Florida Marlins fans are thinking “Not exactly.”

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Pablo Sandoval apparently has a mild elbow injury. SF Giants just hope the doctor tells him to stop lifting burritos, burgers, pizza….

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Disneyland now says children under 14 must have an older person with them to enter the Magic Kingdom. Translation, we are no longer going to be your babysitter.

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RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said today that “Focus groups described (the GOP) as ‘narrow minded,’ ‘out of touch,’ and ‘stuffy old men.'” Who says Americans don’t pay attention to politics?

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Tiger Woods has officially announced that he and Lindsey Vonn are dating. Presumably Tiger has turned over a new leaf with women, as he’s smart enough to know that a world champion skier might have better aim with a golf club….

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Watching a repeat of the Daily Show featuring Sandra Day O’Connor. Is it too late to have her rejoin the Supreme Court and have Antonin Scalia take her place in retirement?

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Gentlemen, and ladies, start your brackets.

March 17, 2013

Why we know the same people who run the BCS are not on the NCAA men’s basketball tournament selection committee – not only did defending champions Kentucky not get in, but the field only has 3 SEC teams.

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Wonder what kind of shape the USA would be in if Americans spent as much time thinking about who they vote for as they do filling out their NCAA brackets? #Marchmadness

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So which happens first? President Obama releases his NCAA brackets? Or the GOP criticizes him for making time to select them?

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Wonder how busted most people’s brackets would already be if you had to know the city and state of any team picked, and for that matter at least one player on each team….

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Pat Boone called President Obama a Marxist. Wonder how many people these days actually remember what a Marxist is? For that matter wonder who many people actually remember who Pat Boone is?

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Now former Denver Bronco Elvis Dumervil has fired his agent. Wonder if he did it by fax.

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Just saw a commercial saying: “KFC whole chicken is delivered and prepared fresh by real cooks in our restaurants.” Is SNL starting to run their fake ads during the day now?

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Two high school football players in Steubenville were found guilty of raping a drunk 16 year old girl at a party last year. Proof perhaps that doing very bad stuff and posting it online trumps even society’s bias in favor of athletes.

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Lindsay Lohan apparently could miss her Monday morning court date because she missed her flight last night from NY to LA to stay and party at a local nightclub. Gosh, if she shows up the judge again Lindsay could face a really really stern warning.

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Mark Teixeira says his wrist injury may sideline him longer than originally thought, but added “I don’t know if it’s the beginning of May, the end of May, the beginning of June, I don’t know when it is but we got a whole bunch of season left and the time that really matters is the playoffs.” Uh, this assumes the NY Yankees make the playoffs.

 

Of course, GOP Rep. Steve LaTourette is retired so he can say this, “We’re supposed to wonder why we don’t have the women’s vote in this country when we have a candidate suggesting that a child born as a result of rape is a gift from God?” And “If we ever want to be a national party, then we have to look like America. Today we look like a bunch of white guys below the Mason-Dixon line.”

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Oh say can you C PAC?

March 17, 2013

Rand Paul won today’s CPAC’s straw poll, just ahead of Marco Rubio. Democrats wish both them as much luck as the 2012 winners, Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum.

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Meanwhile,  Bobby Jindal of Louisiana, once considered a front runner, finished 8th, tied with Sarah Palin.   Even the 2012 New Orleans Saints are calling that a disappointing showing.

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Headline from CPAC:   Coulter throws Christie under the bus.” With all due respect, I don’t think Ann Coulter could even lift Chris Christie, let alone throw him anywhere.

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Sarah Palin at CPAC while drinking from a “Big Gulp” cup on stage “Bloomberg’s not around. Our Big Gulp’s safe.” Nice prop usage, except that Palin made a point of saying after the 2008 campaign – “I never asked for anything more than a Diet Dr. Pepper once in a while.”

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More from CPAC: Attendees are blasting conservative GOP Senator Rob Portman for having a gay son and for now endorsing gay marriage. Right, the same folks cheering Sarah Palin, whose daughter Bristol has been such a paragon of traditional values.

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Cher now says she dated Tom Cruise briefly in the 1980s. Well, that ought to take care of the gay rumors….

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Wide receiver Donte Stallworth sustained serious burns after he and his girlfriend had their hot air balloon run into power lines near Miami. Teams around the NFL expressed sympathy, and promptly added ballooning to things forbidden in guaranteed contracts.

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Elvis Dumervil had to be released by the Denver Broncos because he and his agent faxed in the paperwork about 8 minutes late. Who said football players don’t need to pay attention to math?

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Apparently people who drink both coffee and green tea are significantly less likely to have a stroke. Stand by for some ghastly new concoction from Starbucks.

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More cruise ships with issues this week getting news coverage. At what point do we rename it the Carnival News Network

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Broncos safety Quinton Carter was arrested and faces felony charges for allegedly cheating at a Las Vegas casino craps game. Not sure if this means jail time but if not maybe Denver will trade Carter to the New England Patriots?

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And finally, today is selection Sunday. The day when several men’s NCAA basketball teams get to complain bitterly about being denied the chance to be knocked out in the first round of March Madness

 

 

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And you’re out.

March 16, 2013

So with the USA bounced out of the World Baseball Classic does that mean we need to put an asterisk on “World Series Champions?”

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The Dominican Republic is doing so well in the WBC that the Yankees are trying to figure out if there is any way to buy the team.  Or as my friend Jim Barach says, maybe just buy the entire country.

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So will a silver lining of this USA World Baseball Classic loss mean that the U.S. will finally get around to declaring Puerto Rico the 51st state?

One good thing about Notre Dame’s day-glo basketball uniforms. They make the Oregon Ducks’ uniforms look positively restrained.

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And as the Irish discovered tonight in their 69 to 57 loss to Louisville.  It’s not always easy being green.

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Meanwhile, on the outskirts of Cancun, six people were killed and five were wounded when two masked men shot up a bar. And Carnival Cruise Lines said “See, it could be worse.”

Mitt Romney gave a speech at CPAC that sounded like he was still running for President. Well, suppose that makes at least as much sense as Paul Ryan acting with his budget like he and Mitt won.

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Senator Ted Cruz of Texas was actually born in Canada. So when are we going to see conservative critics talking about his un-American vision?

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And wonder how many of the conservatives who are criticizing Ohio senator Rob Portman’s new support of gay marriage, are the same folks screaming about too much government control over our lives?

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In a speech to CPAC, Donald Trump criticized many in the the GOP, and added that immigration reform could be a “suicide mission” for Republicans. Though what the Donald is really unhappy about is that the party didn’t undertake the suicide mission of nominating him for President.

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Quote of the day: “In our country today, if you’re born poor, if your parents didn’t go to college, if you don’t know your father, if English isn’t spoken at home, then the odds are stacked against you. You are more likely to stay poor today than at any other time since World War II,” So is it time to switch parties for the speaker? His name – Jeb Bush.

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Seacrest out?  .

Ryan Seacrest 38, and Julianne Hough. 24,  are not only not getting married, they’ve apparently broken up after two years together. . Well, that ought to do wonders for the gay rumors?

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Tuckered out?

March 15, 2013

The NFL is considering abandoning the tuck rule. And from the great beyond, some hear Al Davis’s voice yelling ‘So where are our retroactive 2002 Super Bowl Rings?”

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Riddle of the morning: What’s the difference between a dirty play and a good hard aggressive play? Answer: Whether or not it happens to YOUR team.

 

Nicki Minaj said of one of her favorite American Idol contestants on elimination night – “If you go home, I’m going home.” And most of America said “Promise?””

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Silver lining for Lakers fans. If the team doesn’t make the playoffs now, for all eternity you can say that they WOULD have been World Champions if not for Kobe’s injury.

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So allegedly Kris Humphries’ lawyers have obtained a deposition from a producer of “Keeping up with the Kardashians” saying Kim not only knew about the “surprise” proposal, she had them reshoot the scene to make her reaction look better. “I can’t believe she would be that tacky” said absolutely nobody.

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In a speech at CPAC, Marco Rubio today referred to liberals as “freeloaders.” Somehow I missed the part of the speech where he decried the rule that U.S. Senators get a pension for life after only one term.

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Unclear on concept? Ted Cruz, trying to connect 1st and 2nd amendments, asked Dianne Feinstein if she considered it constitutional for Congress to specify that the 1st Amendment would only apply to certain books. This from a senator whose state schools still ban books? #guncontrol

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Clearly don’t know all the details of the Steubenville, Ohio, rape case, where the question appears to be if a 16 year old girl was too drunk last August to give consent to sex with two high school football players. But seems like if they weren’t football players, the two would have made a plea bargain and already been in jail?

 

Not saying the Notre Dame day-glo lime green basketball uniforms are ugly, but even Oregon football players are saying “What were you THINKING?”

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The USA fell to 33rd in FIFA rankings. Of course, part of the problem – most Americans said “What’s FIFA?”

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Oops, apparently they waited too long to embalm Hugo Chavez’s body, and acting Venezuela president Nicolas Maduro said the process now might be “quite difficult.” Waiting to see how they decide this is the U.S.’s fault.

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The Carnival Dream has mechanical problems and is stuck at the dock in St. Martin. Good thing they picked a Pope yesterday so CNN can devote the entire day again to this major story.

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from T.C.  “Japanese tsunami debris has been discovered washed up on the Hawaiian Islands this week. This is not to be confused with former MLB player Manny Ramirez who will be washed up in Taiwan in under 2 weeks.”

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Poped out.

March 13, 2013

Bummer. They chose a new Pope today and America didn’t even have a chance to hear the top ten sing.

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The new Pope, Jorge Mario Bergoglio of Buenos Aires, was taken  immediately after his election to get his new clothes and be given time to pray in the “Room of Tears,”   Wonder if they piped in the music “Don’t cry for me, Argentina?

 

So the papal conclave in Rome is over   – they sent out white smoke.

Meanwhile with the sequester in Washington – they’re still blowing smoke.

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V.P. Joe Biden, a Catholic to serve as vice president, will lead the U.S. delegation to next week’s formal installation of the new Pope.   Will they send up white smoke when Biden’s speech is over?

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The “Catholic 7” said they will announced new members for their new basketball conference in 7-10 days. So will they announce their choices with white or black smoke?

(Michael Duca reminds us that “White smoke can’t jump.”)

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Miley Cyrus, who’s been attempting a comeback, now apparently has split with her fiancé, Liam Hemsworth. Maybe Miley can talk to Taylor Swift for tips on writing a song about it..

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Kobe Bryant has sprained his ankle and is out indefinitely. Can’t wait to hear Dwight Howard tell him to play through the pain.

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A corgi in Helen Mirren’s London play “The Audience” about Queen Elizabeth II has been fired for not obeying commands. While the dog was supposed to be playing the Queen’s pet, clearly she saw herself more in the role of a cat.

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Marriott is going to partner with Ikea for a budget brand in Europe, which will be known as Moxy Hotels. Guess we can expect Moxy to put a whole new spin on the concept of making your own bed.

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The Senate Judiciary Committee passed a universal background check bill to close the gun show loophole on a strict 10-8 party line vote. What is it with those in the GOP who don’t think you need ID check to buy a gun, but you do need it to cast a ballot?

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Sen. Ted Cruz says he is willing to risk a govt shutdown if Obamacare is not defunded. Leaving the Supreme Court decision and the 2012 election out of it, if Cruz cares so much about the budget why doesn’t he personally step up and volunteer to defund Congressional healthcare?

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Am I the only one who doesn’t get it? So Michael Vick has to cancel his book tour because of outrage, and Ray Lewis just signed a contract with ESPN…..

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