Archive for November 2011

« Left Coast Sports Babe home page
« Older Entries

Cain touched this?

November 30, 2011

Herman Cain said he didn’t have a affair, but he simply helped a friend financially. Instead of a “Sugar Daddy” does that make him a “Sugar Cain?”

–

Who says there’s no American ingenuity anymore? San Francisco supervisors voted to ban free toys in children’s meal. And McDonald’s is complying, by charging 10 cents for a Happy Meal toy. (All proceeds going to build a SF Ronald McDonald house for sick children.)

–

Rick Perry warned that if elected he will deal with uncooperative federal workers by reassigning them “to some really God-awful place.” Well, at least Perry didn’t say he’d go postal on them.

–

Wouldn’t it be fun if one of Herman Cain’s girlfriends was named “Nina-Nina-Nina?”

–

Herman Cain apparently told his staff Tuesday he is “reassessing” the viability of his campaign after Ginger White’s allegations of their 13 year affair. “Say it ain’t so” cried the nation’s comedy writers.

–

Maybe Newt Gingrich is smarter than we thought. Get all the affairs (that we know off) out of the way years before running for office. Americans have short memories and they love repented sinners.

–

Rick Perry spoke to a group of New Hampshire college students and told them he’d “appreciate their vote if they were turning 21 by Nov. 12.” (The election is Nov 6, 2012.) Good thing Perry forgot the third thing he was going to tell them.

–

Ann Coulter was bleeped out on MSNBC this morning when she appeared to call John McCain (R-Ariz) a “douche bag.” Was she bleeped for the language, or because MSNBC thinks either Gingrich, Cain or Romney is the real “douche bag?”

–

American Airlines declared bankruptcy this morning. Wonder how long it will take them to turn that into a ticket surcharge.

–

Hardest speechwriting job amongst those writing for GOP primary candidates -writing for Mitt Romney. He/she doesn’t just need to contradict the words of other candidates, but also to contradict the words of the old Romney.

–

The Chicago Cubs are apparently in the running for Albert Pujols. Guess new GM Theo Epstein figures now that Pujols has a ring, he might want to spend more time with his family and have Octobers off.

–

Dr. Conrad Murray got a four year jail sentence today. Wonder how many days or weeks that is in Lindsay Lohan sentence years.

–

Indianapolis Colts coach Jim Caldwell fired the team’s defensive coordinator and announced a QB change, saying “We feel this is the most effective and realistic way to move forward and win games this season.” Yes, that’s “games” Plural. If this coaching gig doesn’t work out Caldwell has a great future in stand-up comedy.

–

One of many questions about the various college football scandals, from Syracuse and Penn State to the more mundane ones about money. How do these smart coaches always claim their focus is all on their “kids,” but at the same time claim they have zero idea of anything bad that might be going on?

–

Actually are coaches at major universities becoming the better paid equivalent of political wives? “Of course I had no reason to suspect him….”

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Choices, foolish and otherwise:

November 29, 2011

Bus to hell thought of the day: The least popular Christmas gift this year? Penn State children’s pajamas.

–

Football coach Rick Neuheisel, who was fired from the University of Washington for betting on March Madness, has been fired now from UCLA for incompetence. Neuheisel is really bummed, he had Dec 4 in the pool.

–

Meanwhile, so if coaching Florida was too stressful for Urban Meyer, how is Ohio State going to be better? Did the Columbus police promise not to arrest his players?

–

The NBA has apparently decided to start the season on Christmas Day. Many sports fans were hoping for another holiday start date – like Easter.

–

Note to Herman Cain. Homosexuality is NOT a choice. Monogamy, on the other hand, is a choice.

–

A woman is now alleging that she and Herman Cain had a 13 year affair. His campaign released a statement saying that a candidates for political office and public officials should not “be questioned about his or her private sexual life.” Right, it’s just regular folks who need a constitutional amendment. defending marriage.

–

We’ll see how these latest Cain allegations play out. But anyone but me think a sexual allegation might actually HELP Mitt Romney? Of course, most people have a hard time believing Mittens has even had sex with his own wife.

–

So the BCS championship game is likely to be LSU-Alabama. SEC schools, who will share in a huge payment, should be happy. Television advertisers, who just hope fans outside the South watch the whole game, are just praying that someone can Occupy the End Zone.

–

The National Weather Service issued a fog advisory in the San Francisco Bay area Monday morning. Meaning conditions will be dangerous on many roads and bridges. The fog was so low and dense many drivers had a hard time seeing clearly to text.

–
The woman who pepper-sprayed her fellow shoppers at Walmart now says it was “self-defense.” Wonder if the judge in the case will consider dropping the charges in exchange for the defendant accompanying him or her on a Christmas Eve shopping trip?

(added my friend Steven Harmon, “well, unlike the UC Davis police, she WAS being hemmed in by a large and unruly crowd.”

–
Kansas Gov. Sam Brownback apologized and said his staff overreacted to an 18 year old girl tweeting her friends that he “sucked.” Hard to believe Brownback is a father of five, he should know most teenagers think ALL adults suck.

–

From my funny friend Neil Berliner — “Herman Cain Denies 13-Year Affair, saying actually “It was 9 years, 9 months, and 9 days.”

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Happy Cyber Monday.

November 28, 2011

Today, November 28 is this year’s Cyber Monday. The day American women prove they can be as unproductive at work as men are during the first rounds of March Madness.

–

Barnes and Noble’s ad “Cyber Monday is here, plan your lunch break accordingly.” Wonder if their ad agency was able to write that with a straight face.

–

On a brighter note, many Americans will at least find their friends are too busy to send them “copy this as your status,” messages, or Farmville requests.

–

–
Another week, another loss for the Colts. Andrew Luck next year is looking at playing for another team that isn’t quite good enough to make it to the BCS title game. (Or heck, maybe even a BCS bowl.)

–

Okay, kind of hope I’m wrong because I’d rather believe the best of people. But who wants to join me in a prediction that Jim Boeheim follows Joe Paterno into at least temporary unemployment?

–

Up in Canada, the B.C. (British Columbia) Lions won the Grey Cup (the CFL equivalent of the Super Bowl), after starting the season with not only low expectations, but also a 0-5 record. So in other words, the Lions turned out to be the anti-Miami Heat.

–

But really, 0-5? And the Lions made this great comeback apparently without divine intervention or even his chosen messenger Tim Tebow.
–

The half-time entertainment for the Grey Cup? -Nickleback.

So Canada may not have serious big time football. But at least for their championship game they have halftime entertainment that music fans under 30 actually listen to.

–

In OT, Chargers 13, Broncos 16. Ever get the idea that God sent Tim Tebow just to “mess” with the heads of NFL experts?
–

Never been a fan of athletes who spend a lot of time thanking God. On the other hand, Tebow isn’t raping women, getting in bar fights, or being arrested for some combination of alcohol, drugs and guns. And he makes “experts” look stupid. Starting to seriously root for the guy.

–
Bill Clinton referred to Newt Gingrich as “articulate.” Several other GOP candidates couldn’t decide if that was a compliment or insult until they googled “articulate.”

–

The N.H. Union Leader endorsed Newt Gingrich for President. Which puts Newt in position to follow their last endorsements. Presidents Pete DuPont (1988), Pat Buchanan (1992 and 1996), Steve Forbes (2000), and John McCain (2008).

–

As the child molestation allegations mount, Syracuse University on Sunday fired associate basketball coach Bernie Fine. Just one question – what took them so long?

–

In the “bus to hell” department, assume no late night comic will dare make “I feel Fine,” jokes…

–
And on a serious note, the worst thing to my mind about the Jerry Sandusky-Bernie Fine stories: Wondering how many others of these perverts are in high school and college programs who haven’t been caught (or turned in) yet.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

In the bag?

November 28, 2011

For their environmentally conscious fans, this Christmas season, the 49ers are now putting their logo on a reusable shopping bag. Apparently the sack can be used at least nine times.

–

All these pundits saying how much better the SEC is than the Pac 12. Well, in that case why don’t some SEC teams schedule regular season games against some Pac 12 teams on the West Coast for the “easy” wins and the bragging rights….? (Heck, there isn’t even a scheduled bowl game with a SEC-Pac 12 matchup.)

–

6-6 UCLA will go to the Rose Bowl if by some miracle they upset Oregon next week. And 7-5 Louisville is still alive for a major bowl bid as potential Big East champions. Wonder if they call them BCS bowls because NCAA basketball nixed the term “January Madness?”

–
On the other hand, it’s not just the BCS that can mess up college football. The newly expanded Pac 12 has their first championship game next weekend. Because of the conference divisions, it will pit 11-1 Oregon against 6-6 UCLA. Yes, those same Bruins who warmed up for the game by losing to USC 50-0.

–

In that 50-0 loss, the Bruins wore white. Wonder if the uniforms were made of used flags?

–

–
NASA’s Mars rover “Curiosity” lifted off today on a two-year mission to Mars looking for signs of potential life. If successful, “Curiosity” will next look for signs of life with Mitt Romney.

–

President Obama went shopping with his daughters at two local small bookstores in Washington, DC today. Waiting to see which GOP candidate will be the first to claim that buying books is elitist.

–

One of many silver linings from the NBA lockout. Fans of the Clippers, Wizards and Raptors probably won’t have to watch their teams lose 50 games this year.

–

And the real reason the NBA settled their lockout in time for Christmas games? The players couldn’t face the thought of having to decide which of their families to spend the holidays with.

–

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Leftovers

November 26, 2011

No, this isn’t a scene from a potential Power Rangers movie….it’s the one-time special Nike-sponsored Stanford football uniform.

–

Nike says Saturday’s uniforms -pictured above- are a “metaphor for the pulse of life and the heart that pumps the relentless engine that is Stanford pride.” I think I like “a shameless but eye-catching-albeit-ugly brand promotion” better.

–

Meanwhile, in the NFL on Thursday night, Poor Alex Smith. Yesterday he spent so much time on his back under large men the 49ers QB was named an honorary Kardashian.

–

Meanwhile, Ndamukong Suh, after being ejected for another personal foul penalty, will be out of action probably for a week or two for the Detroit Lions. Says T.C,, “well at least he has increased his chances of one day being offered a role on the Calgary Stomp-peders.”

–

On Thursday night during an early Black Friday sale, a shopper in a Southern California Walmart allegedly used pepper spray to keep others away from things she wanted to buy. In the woman’s defense, she claimed she was just in the spirit of Thanksgiving by sharing food with others.

–

But really, if pepper spray is a vegetable does this make salsa a multi-vitamin?

Harvard upset #20 Florida State tonight in men’s college basketball. This would never happen in football. Between the BCS and the scheduling gods, there’s no way Harvard would ever play FSU in college football.

–

The latest conservative complaint against Obama is that while he said “God Bless You,” at the end of his Thanksgiving speech the President didn’t explicitly thank God. Fox Radio host Todd Stearns, for example, said “Thanksgiving is a holiday traditionally steeped in giving thanks and praise to God.” Uh, if you asked most Americans wouldn’t they say it’s for giving thanks and praise to family, food and football?

–

There are rumors that people have developed seizures while watching the movie “Twilight, Breaking Dawn.” Which means millions of men will be telling their wives/partners/girlfriends- “Honey, of course I’d love to see the movie with you, but my doctor recommends against it.

–

Listening to announcers talking about LSU senior QB Jordan Jefferson’s “comeback.” After he was suspended from the team for allegedly kicking a guy on the ground in the head during a bar fight. But after the charges were downgraded from a felony to a misdemeanor (and the trial will be in the off-season), Jefferson was reinstated. How heartwarming.

–

And moving onward, another of those serious thoughts: Okay, I get anti-Wall Street, and I get anti-greed. But Occupy protests like Friday night’s to stop shopping in San Francisco’s Union Square? (Didn’t work well, but no one got hurt.)

Sorry while I’m not pro-big-corporation, I am necessarily anti-retail employees just trying to make a living selling stuff we may or may not need.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 9 Comments

Are you ready for some shopping?

November 25, 2011

Thursday’s paper – 1/2 inch wide. Thursday’s ad inserts – 2 inches wide. So when are we going to officially change the name of Thanksgiving to “Black Friday Eve?”

–

All these football games on Thanksgiving supposedly to honor our national sport. Sorry, actually they are the pre-game to the TRUE U.S. national sport — shopping.

–

The Baltimore Ravens got to Alex Smith tonight NINE times. Yes, nine. That’s more sacks than most dedicated shoppers get at a Black Friday sale.

–

So tonight’s answer for Jim Harbaugh to the question “Oh, brother where are thou?” “Watching my defense sack your quarterback.”

Ndamukong Suh said he didn’t mean to stomp on a Green Bay Packers’ lineman’s arm. What, was Suh aiming for his head?

–

Jeno Paulucci, 93, died today. He originally founded Chun King, a brand that sold canned Chinese food. But Paulucci later established Jeno’s Inc, the first and biggest U.S. sellers of pizza rolls. All over the country, joints are being extinguished for a minute in his name.

–
Black Friday brings to mind a sign seen in London last winter: “Buy more sh*t or we are all f*cked.”

(And seriously – over one in four jobs in the U.S. are in or closely associated with retail.)

–

Former American Idol finalist Lauren Alaina forgot the words to the national anthem before the Packers-Lions today. On a brighter note, she was immediately offered a gig singing the anthem before campaign events for Rick Perry.

(My comic friend Michael Piccard says, “actually, she didn’t get offered the gig. Perry forgot to call.)

–

One factor delaying Urban Meyer’s hiring at Ohio State may be the fact that the school, looking to recover from recent scandals, may be concerned about the 30 plus arrests during Meyer’s tenures at Florida. But in Urban’s defense, only about a dozen of those arrestsinvolved violent misdemeanors or felonies.

–

What some politicians give thanks for on Thanksgiving: Rick Perry, that no one has asked him the three things he is most thankful for, Herman Cain, that no one had camera phones in the 90s, Newt Gingrich, that he only has to spend it with one of his wives. And Barack Obama, that these three are taking turns leading the GOP polls.

–

The NBA players and owners are apparently trying again for a settlement to “save Christmas for their fans.” “How heartwarming,” said absolutely nobody.

–

For sports fans who use holiday games as a respite from the craziness, it’s a darn shame they don’t play baseball in November. Because even in the late innings, comebacks are always a possibility. Whereas the Lions-Packers game at the end of the third quarter is OVER.

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Happy Thankful for Turkeys Day.

November 24, 2011

And on that subject, I think I can join comedy writers all over the world… If the Republican primary was being dominated by an intelligent, reasonable, likable man (like Jon Huntsman), well, we might all be better off in the long run. But it would be a more a boring world.

–

Bad weather across the U.S. Wednesday meant that some travelers won’t make it to their families for Thanksgiving dinner. And at least a few of those travelers have already raised a glass somewhere to toast Mother Nature.

–

Michele Bachmann’s spokesman said NBC did finally apologize for the song and said the band had been “severely reprimanded.” In related news, Fallon’s musicians were all made honorary members of the Stanford band.

–

So, “Lying Ass B****” for Michele Bachmann?

Surely late night bands can come up with more ideas for other political figures.

For any member of Congress- “Fool on the hill.”

For Congress, the candidates and our President: “Promises, promises.”

For Arnold Schwarznegger, “Billie Jean.” Oh never mind, the child IS his son.

For Rick Perry after that New Hampshire speech “Everybody must get stoned.”

For Romney: “Subterranean Homesick Blues.” (You don’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.)

More to follow, or readers, please add in comments. Political – or for that matter, intro music for sports figures. (Some of those tomorrow for sure.)

–
Meanwhile, Mitt Romney told an audience in Iowa he was “not looking to put money in people’s pockets.” Exactly. But he is looking to keep money in the pockets of those who already have it.

–

The Kansas City Chiefs signed Kyle Orton off waivers, and the Chicago Bears signed Josh McCown. That’s it, Brett Favre is officially “chopped liver.”

–

Andrew Luck will apparently not play the “one more year of eligibility” card to affect the NFL draft As it has been reported the Stanford QB will not take classes next quarter. (Either that or Luck wants to see what it’s like to be an SEC quarterback.)

–

A source told ESPN, that Urban Meyer has done some “soul-searching,” and is likely to accept the Ohio State coaching job. Angry Florida fans doubt the story, because at this point they doubt he has a soul to search.

–
The NBA owners and players are talking again, with a new self-imposed deadline for Christmas games. Brings to mind that old Chicago song “Does anybody really know what time it is, does anybody really care?”

–
Another week, more allegations against, and more denials by, Jerry Sandusky. If this guy loses any more credibility he’ll be named an honorary member of Congress. (In the interest of not going directly to hell I won’t say “or of the Vatican.”)

–

But here’s another rider on the bus to hell:

From Marc Ragovin “An assistant Principal at a Brooklyn high school has been suspended for viewing child pornography, or as its also called, Penn State game film.

–

Finally in all seriousness, thanks to anyone reading this blog, even if you just stumbled upon it by accident today. You all are the reason I write. Janice Hough

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 12 Comments

The latest Grate-ing debate.

November 23, 2011

If Mitt Romney becomes the Republican Presidential nominee Madame Tussaud’s will face one of their biggest challenges ever –How to create a wax figure of a wax figure.

–

And tonight, in trying to come up with a witty response to Wolf Blitzer’s introduction of himself that including “And yes, my real name is Wolf,” the former Massachusetts governor stated “”I’m Mitt Romney and yes, Wolf, that’s also my first name.”

Except that Romney’s first name is “Willard.”

Great, the guy wants to be Commander in Chief and he couldn’t even get through an airport TSA inspection with a ticket that matched his legal name.

–

Meanwhile, Herman Cain referred to Wolf Blitzer as “Blitz.” Could have been worse though, with the approaching holiday season Cain could have referred to him as “Blitzen.” (And at least Herman didn’t ask where Donner was.)

–

Newt Gingrich is now saying we should get rid of child labor laws, and put underprivileged children to work in paying jobs. Is he running to be President, or Ambassador to China?

–

Michele Bachmann said this morning that 70% of GOP voters are still undecided about their choice for the 2012 Republican nomination, which could be a boon for her. Except the problem for her and others is that 70% of voters wish someone, anyone, else was running.

–

Rush Limbaugh says Michelle Obama is “uppity,” because she’s trying to tell parents she knows what to feed their children. Well, judging by obesity figures, a lot of Americans DON’T know what to feed their children. (Including, perhaps, Rush’s parents?)

–

Ohio State says if the NCAA doesn’t prohibit them from going, the Buckeyes will accept a bowl bid. Actually, if the NCAA wants an appropriate punishment, they should let OSU go, but forbid the players from accepting ANY swag.

–

Brigham Young has apparently broken off talks to join the Big East. What, did someone do something drastic? Like show the University president a map?

–

Over 20 students in the Great Neck, New York area, have been implicated in a scandal involving college students being paid to take SAT tests for kids in high school. The most shocking thing? Apparently no football or basketball players were involved.

–
So it looks like there are a number of potential victims in Florida who were looking to improve their figures. They now allege that a woman posing as a doctor injected their buttocks with a combination of tire-sealant, cement and superglue. Uh, folks, the only way superglue helps your figure is by using it on your refrigerator door.

–

Newt Gingrich advocated a softer stand on immigration than his fellow GOP candidates. Was Newt just trying to be the voice of reason? Or besides his affairs does he have illegal employees in his past? (Or an affair with an illegal immigrant?)

–

–

Although they didn’t win, Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke earned a perfect score on DWTS last night. Well, good to see that this year at least one Kardashian has managed a harmonious relationship with a new partner.

–

–

From Gary Bachman: The Black Eyed Peas deny rumors they are breaking up. If they do break up, would they be called the Split Peas?

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: 4 Comments

Gentlemen, start your field goal practices:

November 22, 2011

If LSU ends up playing Alabama in the BCS National Championship will the game be be sponsored by Sherwin Williams? Because another Field Goal derby would be like watching paint dry.

–

Jay Cutler is out for the year. Wonder how long it took for that phone call from Hattiesburg, Mississippi to Chicago saying “I’m available.”

–

Fox’s Megyn Kelly referred to the pepper spray that University Police used on U.C. Davis students as “a food product.” Well, heck, let’s put the stuff in school cafeterias then. The spray could be used both for discipline problems and as a vegetable.

–

Ground staff at Liverpool’s John Lennon Airport are staging a series of two-hour
strikes this week. Which means Lucy and her Diamonds may be in the Sky, but not, alas, you and your luggage.

–

So for a prescription, Walgreen’s was out of Allegra in the 30 count bottle. Which was $9.99. But they had two 15 count packets, which they say they would sell me $27.98. And the young woman behind the counter didn’t see the problem. If corporations are people, they are the greedy, stupid relatives you don’t want to see at Thanksgiving.

–

Newt Gingrich is defending his third wife, who he “dated” for six years while married to his second wife. Newt claimed that lies have been told about Callista, and “it’s not fair.” I guess Gingrich feels that if there are going to be lies involving any of his wives, he should be the one to tell them.

–

TCU placekicker Ross Evans has been charged with kicking in the door of a Denton, Texas apartment, supposedly while trying to receive his cell phone. Evans is free on bail but has been charged with criminal mischief. Had he only been Alabama’s placekicker Ross would have missed the door wide right.

–

A recent poll showed Newt Gingrich leading the GOP primary as far as being the best potential “Commander in Chief.” Or it’s possible respondents misheard the question, and thought they were answering “Who’ll make the best PHILANDERER in Chief?”

–

Retired Florida football coach Urban Meyer says he hasn’t received an offer from Ohio State, but if he they do offer him the coaching job, “I’ll have a decision to make.” Presumably whether he wants to spend more time tattooing his family?

–
(This next will make the most sense to Canadian readers. But anyway…)

British Columbia, who started the Canadian Football Season 0-5, is in the Grey Cup, and Detroit looks to be heading for the NFL playoffs. Guess with the success of avowed Christian Tim Tebow, God wanted to dole out a measure of success for the Lions.

–

–

So brothers Jim and John Harbaugh will square off as NFL coaches on Thanksgiving. Given the relationship, and Jim’s known propensity for “enthusiasm,” will the post-game handshake be replaced by a pillow-fight?

–

The University of Arizona announced the hiring of Rich Rodriguez as their new football coach by Twitter. Makes some sense, one of the few printable things fans in Michigan might say about Rodriguez is that he is a first class twit.

–
In the “a plague on both your houses” category: In the private sector if your job is to come up with a budget in two months and you come back to your boss and say “Sorry, couldn’t do it,” you are looking at unemployment.

–

This just in, the Congressional Super Committee has failed to come up with a deficit reduction plan. But they did agree that Candy Corn and Boston Baked Beans Candy both qualify as vegetables.

(added my friend Bill Schmarzo, “does that mean Swedish Fish qualifies as a protein?”)

–

Really, folks, the super-committee’s failure is disappointing. But realistically they had about as much chance of success as the Washington Redskins did of making the playoffs.

–
From T.C. “Hidden-camera footage taken at Sparboe Poultry facilities show birds being abused. McDonalds has terminated business with this supplier. ‘These people are creepy, sick, demented and need help,’ says Jerry Sandusky.” – TC in BC

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 6 Comments

Moving the football.

November 21, 2011

Who knew? The so-called “Game of the Century” between LSU and Alabama, might not have been one of the top ten college games of November.

–

Listening to all these NFL players introduce themselves and their college, I propose a new rule – You only get to mention your college or university IF you have actually graduated.

–

Stanford’s Andrew Luck was named a first-team Academic All-American with his 3.48 GPA in Architectural Design. In the SEC, at least a few QBs can allegedly spell “Architectural Design.”

–

All this strength-of-schedule crap. Never going to change with the BCS. Because an out-of-conference loss knocks teams down so far, there’s no reason for SEC to play good Big 12, Big 10 or Pac 12 teams. And vice versa. We get one or two games like LSU-Oregon and the rest is conjecture. Another reason we need a playoff.

–
The University of Miami, currently tied for #7 in the ACC, has decided to self-impose a bowl ban for 2011. What a crushing disappointment for all those kids who grew up dreaming of playing in the AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl.

While readers may know I’m biased in favor of Stanford, I am not a 49ers fan (I root for the Saints.) But San Francisco is having an impressive year.

–

For those West Coast sports fans tired of East Coast bias, the most fun part about listening to the Sunday Night Football? Listening to the announcers talk about marquee teams like the Giants and Eagles, and realizing neither of them is playing as well as the 49ers.

–

Of course, if the BCS had anything to do with the NFL playoffs, the 49ers would be seeded about 10th.

–

“Breaking Dawn” took in over $139 million this weekend. With an audience that was 80 percent women. Amazing. How the heck did some of those women get men to go with them?

(my niece Sarah implies some teenage boys may have been crazy like foxes and gone to a showing to meet teenage girls. Alex Kaseberg says “It rained so hard in LA it washed a straight dude into a showing of “Breaking Dawn.”)

–

Of course, maybe this is all a plot. By opening “Breaking Dawn” the weekend before Black Friday, millions of American men may decide that if their wives or girlfriends give them choice, they’d rather go shopping.

–

Jim Harbaugh was the most sought after potential NFL head coach last year. And it is just possible that he might have been under-rated.

–

Congress is giving us yet another oxymoron – “Super-committee.”

–

The new MLB contract between the owners and players will reputedly include testing for HGH. Translation- The players have found something better.

–

In Sunday’s Vikings-Raiders game, Minnesota almost punted early because the officials forgot third down. “See, not so easy is it?” said Rick Perry.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Another one doesn’t bite the dust.

November 20, 2011

But numbers #2 and #4, and #5 and #7 sure did.

–

Lee Corso’s “F*** it” comment today on College Game Day is going viral. In Corso’s defense he says was just previewing what BCS executives are saying to each other tonight looking at what’s left of their top 10.

–
In Eugene, Oregon still had BCS title hopes alive until the last second, with a chance to tie USC and put the game into overtime, but their field goal attempt sailed wide left. Who do the Ducks think they are, Florida State?

–

Ugly win in ugly weather for Stanford over Cal. But Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Oregon and Clemson would trade places with the Cardinal tonight.

–

Meanwhile, Stanford’s Andrew Luck was named to the NCAA’s Academic All American first team. The response from most of the SEC “Academic? Is that like part of the Academy Awards or something?”

–
–

Meanwhile Penn State beat Ohio State. Sad to think that a month ago this would have made fans of clean football programs happy.

–
Old Navy goofed up earlier this year with “Lets go” football shirts (no hyphen). Now Victoria’s Secret came out with a “Hail to the Victors” shirt. Except that the shirt is green, and says “Go Spartans”…. (Don’t know if they’re more offended in Ann Arbor or Lansing.)

–

If President Obama wants a big jump in his approval ratings maybe he should consider an executive order making the BCS unconstitutional. (The SEC is all red states anyway.)

–

Meanwhile, happy belated birthday (Saturday) to V.P. Joe Biden. Hard to believe it was just a few short years ago that he was considered to be the politician most likely to embarrass himself by opening his mouth.

–

Joe Paterno’s son Jay said Friday that while his world has turned “upside down” in the past two weeks, “We’ve got to make sure we keep focus on the victims of this whole tragedy.”

Uh, isn’t Jerry Sandusky saying there are no victims?

–

Jon Huntsman appeared on SNL Saturday night, and was funny, self-deprecating, and articulate. On a night with Kermit the Frog and some Muppets on the show, Hunstman showed again why this Republican primary is calling for a rousing chorus of “One of these things is not like the other.”

–

Newt Gingrich has apparently received millions from companies he has “advised” in Washington since leaving Congress. Well, since as a man with three wives Gingrich is defending traditional marriage, why can’t he also run as an insider who wants to reform Washington?

–

Mitt Romney said this weekend – “I’m not looking for the next step in my political career. I don’t have a political career.” Paraphrased, “I’m blaming everything I supposedly said and did in Massachusetts on my evil twin.”

–
It’s shaping up to be a great Sunday for football fans in Indianapolis – the Colts have a bye week.

–

Finally tonight’s “bus to hell” comment courtesy of T.C. “NCAA announces plans for the 1st annual Churchill Downs Horseplayers Bowl: Penn St vs Syracuse.”

–

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: , , , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Lack of control?

November 19, 2011

The NCAA says today they are now investigating Penn State’s “exercise of institutional control over its intercollegiate athletics programs.” “What took you so long” said former officials from FEMA.

–

Urban Meyer left his head coaching job at Florida after the 2009 season due to “health concerns.” Now he is rumored to be the next head coach at Ohio State. Maybe he’s recovered, or maybe he’s decided that after the Penn State scandal, tattoo and compensation scandals are potentially a lot less stressful than they used to be.
–

Major League Baseball apparently has a labor agreement in place that will last until 2016. No strikes this time, not even the threat of a strike. Maybe this is one of the reasons MLB is losing ground to other professional sports – not enough drama.

–
Another day, another massive lettuce recall, this time California’s Ready Pac Foods. Maybe pizza actually is one of the healthier vegetables.

–

Okay, so Tim Tebow’s won a few games. But he has completely ruined Broncos GM (and Stanford grad) John Elway’s “SuckforLuck” strategy.

–

The Columbia band, previously banned from the field for making fun of their football team’s 0-9 record, has been reinstated for Saturday’s season finale. In a statement the band said “We look forward to honoring the senior class — both on the football team and in the band — and cheering the Columbia Lions on to victory.” (Privately band members added, “Well, two out of three ain’t bad.”)

–

Jon Stewart last night talked about the ever-changing GOP frontrunners and called Newt Gingrich is the “latest ‘zombie’ candidate who doesn’t know he’s already dead.” Stewart’s already received an angry demand for an apology – from the zombie union.

–
Have to figure both Stanford and Cal football coaches will tell their players to think about Okla State – Iowa State game tomorrow.

–

Congrats to the Iowa State Cyclones. Watching the post-game celebration, I think the entire population of Ames, Iowa was on the field.

–
Now there is only one top-level undefeated college football team (LSU, apologies to the University of Houston), and a slew of one-loss teams. Gosh, if only there were some way to have a post-season that might determine a real champion.

–

McDonald’s cut off their relationship with their previous egg supplier over claims of animal cruelty. McRib fans don’t have to worry, as there is no evidence the sandwich contains any sort of meat.

–

Regarding the new movies “Breaking Dawn” and “The Descendants,” what’s more unbelievable? That a woman would marry a vampire? Or that a woman would cheat on George Clooney?

–

Open note to all those people who seem to think Ashton Kutcher cheated on Demi Moore because he was younger than she was…. That doesn’t exactly explain Donald Trump, Newt Gringrich, JFK…

–

A potential Christmas stocking stuffer this year is the bendable Sarah Palin action figure. Of course, for those last-minute types, the not yet released Mitt Romney figure will be able to bend into a lot more positions.

–

–

Herman Cain is now suggesting the Taliban is part of the new Libyan government. Forget 9-9-9, his new campaign slogan should be “better to keep silent and be thought a fool, than speak out and remove all doubt.”

–

Missouri football coach Gary Pinkel pleaded guilty to drunken driving today, two hours after he was formally charged. The assistant prosecutor said he wanted to “get the case resolved and accept responsibility for his actions”, which was “definitely unusual.” No kidding, accountability in college football? What a concept.

–
Bush to hell section. (And okay, anyone who found my blog looking for Penn State jokes already bought their ticket):

So it won’t be “Boyz II Men” playing at any Penn State bowl game.

Here are some songs we won’t hear at halftime of any Nittany Lions bowl game:

Oops I did it again.

Get closer,

Close to you

Where the Boys are.

Touch me in the morning.

(And of course with these bus to hell moments, more suggestions encouraged.)

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: , ,

Comments: 3 Comments

Pizza, pizza.

November 18, 2011

Congress is now saying that in school lunches, pizza counts as a vegetable. What happened to the good old days when vegetables had to be something healthy, like ketchup?

–

Regarding Congress deciding pizza is a vegetable. What’s next? Will they decide pepperoni is a pepper?

(my friend Edie hopes that cocoa beans will be classified as a legume…)

–

A new study by a Northwestern professor of medicine says that at the rate we are going in America, 83 percent of men and 72 percent of women will be overweight or obese by 2020. Must be all those “vegetables” we are eating.

–

After two weeks of increasingly disgusting stories out of Penn State, somehow it’s not as hard to take comments like this: According to the NY Post, Tim Tebow said that this week that the most exciting thing he did during the week wasn’t preparing for the Jets defense but announcing his foundation was building a children’s hospital in the Philippines.

–

And how many sports fans were rooting for Tim Tebow and the Broncos Thursday against the Jets, if in hopes of watching Rex Ryan melt down?

–

Okay, who’d a thunk a couple years ago that Tim Tebow would be having a more successful year in the NFL than Tiger Woods on the golf course?

–

The Rose Bowl says if Penn State wins the Big Ten title, the Nittany Lions will be able to play in the game. Stated Chief Administrative Officer Kevin Ash: “Whoever the champions are, we’ll welcome them with open arms.” And I am sure it is just coincidence that the music playing in the Big Ten offices is “On Wisconsin.”

–
If Penn State does end up in a bowl, think it’s a safe bet the halftime entertainment won’t be Boyz II Men.

–
from Marc Ragovin: It’s not surprising that two of the biggest slime balls in the Penn State fiasco are two guys named Schultz and Curley. One is an incompetent Nazi, the other a Stooge

Herman Cain is the first GOP presidential candidate in this election cycle to receive Secret Service Protection. Of course what Republicans who want to win the presidency really want is protection to keep Cain from opening his mouth.

–

Herman Cain’s embarrassing public gaffes have even some Republicans saying this guy has no business running for President. But maybe Cain is looking back to 2008 and trying to prove he fits the mold to run for vice-president.

–

Herman Cain appeared on David Letterman tonight. At one point during a prickly exchange Herman asked Dave “Are you trying to talk me out of this? (running for President) ” And thousands of comics and would-be comics across America screamed at their television set “Nooooooooo…”

–

–

Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher are divorcing. I suppose it would be too much to ask that she is dumping him for a younger man.

–

Apparently there is a strain of lab mice called Black-6 that actually voluntarily consume alcohol. Wonder if on Sundays scientists refer to their cages as “the Black Hole?”

Nonetheless, the little black mice have been named honorary members of Raider Nation.

–

No joke, apparently there are now limited edition bacon-flavored lubricants and massage oils. Insert men/pigs joke here:

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

What we have here is a failure to communicate….

November 17, 2011

Herman Cain’s latest “oops” minute, asking a crowd at Versailles restaurant “how do you say delicious in Cuban?” Michele Bachmann immediately came to his defense, saying she doubts even President Obama knows that many words in Cuban.

–
Meanwhile, it is apparent watching Gabby Giffords that her cognitive skills are largely intact, but she is having serious trouble getting words and sentences out. Some think she shouldn’t run again for Congress, but hey, Gabby’s already ahead of certain candidates for the GOP presidential nomination.

–

As Newt Gingrich becomes relevant in the GOP primary again, despite three marriages and admitted affairs, are there any other women with the same question I have? How did Newt find so many women who found him attractive?

–

Meanwhile, Melania Trump told Joy Behar that her husband Donald will decide in the next few weeks whether to get back in the Presidential race. Guess the the Donald has seen Newt Gingrich’s surging poll numbers and decided it’s a good time for family values types on their third wives.

–

At a recent campaign stop for Rick Perry, people were told that non-U.S. Citizens would not be allowed to enter. Apparently it was a misunderstanding. With that rule Perry would never be able to have an event catered by any restaurant.

–

from T.C. Washington Nationals kidnap victim catcher Wilson Ramos was rescued this weekend in Venezuela. While in captivity, he overheard his abductors saying they weren’t interested in Terrell Owens either.

–

For many Americans, especially baby-boomers, one result of the past week is that after over 30 years, the movie “Carrie” is no longer the standard for the most awful imagined shower scene.

–

Mike McQueary, the assistant coach who said he saw Jerry Sandusky raping a young boy, now says he “stopped” the attack and did go to the police. Not sure who to believe at this point, but to paraphrase a line from Hamlet – “Something is rotten in the state of Pennsylvania.”

–

Apparently former IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn has been implicated as a client of a $800 a night call girl ring in northern France. Maybe his defense will be this was an example of a serious French stimulus package.
–

The GOP controlled House of Representatives just passed a bill to dramatically expand the right to carry concealed firearms Well, concurrently with the Occupy movement what could possibly go wrong?

–

Natalie Wisneski, former COO officer of the Fiesta Bowl, has been charged with filing false income tax returns for the bowl game. And faces campaign finance and conspiracy charges. Ah for the good old days when that might have been one of the biggest college football scandals of the year.

–

Terry Francona withdrew his name from consideration for the Chicago Cubs managerial job. Apparently Terry feels that he’s a manager, not a miracle worker.

–

In the “who cares” department, Heather Locklear and Jack Wagner have broken off their engagement, which they announced in August. On the bright side for those who like celebrity romance, their engagement did last longer than Kim Kardashian’s marriage

–

–

Okay, guys who read this blog can ignore this one: People magazine has declared Bradley Cooper this year’s “Sexiest Man Alive.” Please, can we just retire this competition and give the award permanently to George Clooney?

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 4 Comments

Cain’t touch this.

November 16, 2011

Herman Cain had one of those “Perry in the headlights” moments the other day when asked a question about Libya. To be fair, from force of habit Cain’s first thought was “Libya, Libya? Maybe Libby? She’s lying, I never met the woman.”

–
No surprise here: Justin Verlander, who has three years left on his contract with the Tigers, was a unanimous CY Young winner. Assume the award came with a note saying “Congratulations. Look for our offer in 2015,” from the NY Yankees.

–

So in Italy, screwing young women is fine, it’s only screwing up your country’s economy that will get you tossed out of office. Wonder how long it will take Bill Clinton to apply for dual citizenship?

–

–
Oops, the danger of early magazine publication deadlines: Kim Kardashian was featured in a Marie Claire article, talking about her newt marriage to Kris Humphries, and her 1st marriage to music producer Damon Thomas. “I was 19 and didn’t know myself, but it taught me what being a wife is all about…. being there for someone unconditionally.” Or at least until the wedding special airs on TV.

–

Falcons coach Mike Smith is being pilloried by Atlanta fans and media for his decision to go for it on 4th and inches in OT at their own 29. But he is blaming his players for the loss saying “We didn’t execute on that play.” A few more decisions like that and Atlanta fans will be calling for Smith’s execution.

–

For his Veteran’s Day tribute , Broncos WR Eric Decker caught a 56 yd touchdown pass from Tim Tebow, dropped to one knee and saluted. And got penalized for unsportsmanlike conduct. Had Decker just run around like an self-promoting idiot he would have been fine. But to be fair, maybe the officials were just in shock about that Tebow TD pass.

–

–

Many in the GOP are referring to waterboarding simply as an “enhanced interrogation” technique. At this point I’d say replays of these never-ending Republican debates could be considered an “enhanced interrogation technique.”

–

Watching Jon Stewart talking about Jerry Sandusky and his “horseplay.” Added to a long list of alleged crimes, I think Sandusky owes a major apology to the entire equine population.

–

While coaches usually stick up for each other, Paterno’s long-time friend and former FSU coach Bobby Bowden said publicly this week that “Joe was a little negligent,” and “must have known more because he said ‘I should have done more'” Bowden also talked about the cover up that they could have stopped it eight or nine years ago.

Give Bowden credit for honesty, and restraint, for not saying “and you media types tried to make my life hell over stuff like free shoes…”

–

Last week Tim Tebow and the Broncos became only the third NFL team in the last 25 years to win with no more than two completed passes. Herman Cain hopes to match that record as a presidential candidate.

–

Some fans in Denver are having customized #15 Broncos jerseys made for holiday gifts with “Jesus” instead of Tim Tebow’s name above the number. Wonder if there’s any truth to the rumor that God is giving Jesus a football jersey with Tebow’s name on it.

–

The NBA season looks like it may already be over. Which means that fans of professional basketball in the U.S. will just have to remember what team John Calipari is coaching this year.

–

Congrats to Coach K on his 903th win. In many ways the Duke coach reminds us of Tony La Russa. A great leader, smart, committed to winning…. and in need of a better-looking hair dye.

–

New Chicago president of baseball operations Theo Epstein said that talented but troubled pitcher Carlos Zambrano will “have the right to earn his way back to being a Cub.” Translation, no other team will trade us more than a bag of peanuts for him.

–

Another rare serious thought after watching Mark Kelly, Gabby Gifford’s husband, the past two nights on television. I’m thinking if Giffords believes it would be too difficult to run again for Congress while continuing her rehab, Arizonans could do a lot worse than electing him at least temporarily in her place.

Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Another “Perry in the headlights” moment.

November 15, 2011

Since deer were complaining, “Hey, we don’t look THAT stupid.”

Herman Cain’s excuse for flubbing a question on Libya – he had only had four hours of sleep. Well, and shouldn’t that make us feel all warm and fuzzy about that potential 3:00am phone call?

–

In GOP Congressman Allen West’s defense of waterboarding, he cited that in the movie ‘G.I. Jane,’ Demi Moore was waterboarded. Great, what’s next? Some other congressman citing that noted terrorism expert Jack Bauer?

–

After his team went to 0-10, owner Jim Irsay tweeted “FAITH.” Responded God “Hey NFL, I’m giving you Tim Tebow, how many miracles do you want?”

–

Rex Ryan said the time-out called by Mark Sanchez near the end of the first half (with 17 seconds left on the play clock, thus leaving more time for Tom Brady to score), was “the stupidest thing in football history.” After watching the Falcons go for it on 4th and 1 at their own 29 against the Saints in OT, I’m not even sure it was the stupidest thing on Sunday.

–

Regarding Jerry Sandusky: Who thought it would be such a short reign as “Most hated person in America” for Casey Anthony.

–

Blech. Yes I know about innocent until proven guilty, but…. Jerry Sandusky in an interview with Bob Costas tonight said that he had only “horsed around with kids I have showered (with) after workouts.” Never thought I would look back with nostalgia on the innocent days of “It depends what the definition of ‘is’ is.”

–

After the interview with Sandusky, Costas’ first comment was reputedly. “I need a shower…. Uh, make that a bath.”

–

From my funny friend Jim Barach “Washington Nationals catcher Wilson Ramos was rescued from kidnappers in his home country of Venezuela. He says it was the scariest moment of his life. Next to the time he thought he was going to be drafted by the Cubs.”

–

Patti Reagan has an article out in Harper’s Bazaar on potential first ladies., and in it she mention that Marcus Bachmann “shops for his wife’s wardrobe, coordinating her outfits so well that Michele Bachmann has bragged about his ‘good sense of style.’”. Gosh, can’t imagine how the rumors got started that Marcus is gay.

–

Newt Gingrich is claiming his two week luxury cruise to Greece and Turkey gave him a better understanding of the Greek debt crisis….

Next we’re going to hear about how all those tens of thousands of people that Mitt Romney laid off gave him a better idea of how to deal with unemployment.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

Hearing voices.

November 14, 2011

Herman Cain is now at least the third GOP candidate to claim God told him to enter the Presidential race. (After Bachmann and Perry.) Maybe God really wants President Obama to be re-elected?

–

So what do Jon Huntsman and Ron Paul have to do to get airtime at GOP debates? Start harrassing women and forgetting how to count?

–

So when do we get to see the GOP debate we’ve all been waiting for? The one when Mitt Romney debates himself.

–

Sorry, Detroit Lions: Even Rick Perry can think of three good reasons not to kick it to Devin Hester.

–

One of the NY Giants said before today’s game against the Patriots that you “can’t spell ‘elite’ without Eli.” You can’t spell “unraveling” either.

–

AirTrans is being sued over live cockroaches that appeared on one of their flights. On Europe’s Ryanair, they’d probably charge extra for the wildife viewing. (Or the snacks.)

–

–

Stanford’s QB looked awfully human yesterday. Which might have been bad news for the Washington Redskins. Since the Miami Dolphins appear to have decided they no longer need to “Suckforluck.”

–

A George Washington University professor of medicine resigned last month amidst allegations that she did not teach some of her classes but gave all of those students As. No confirmation on the rumor that she has received a half dozen offers to teach sports medicine to SEC football players.

–

Maybe some of the Philadelphia Eagles missed their calling in not playing hockey. Seems like they would be better in a game with only three periods.

–

Congrats to the ageless John Kasay: Four field goals today for the Saints including the winning kick in overtime. He may end up the first kicker to make a 50 yard field goal in his 50s.

–

Kate Von D. apparently posed a angry letter today about the 19 women she said her ex-fiance (and Sandra Bullock’s ex-husband) Jesse James cheated on her with in the past year. Sounds like Kate was the only person who was surprised this happened.

–
–
But really, 19 women in a year? Who does Jesse James think he is? Tiger Woods?

–

–

Interesting sidelight to the Penn State story. The media is reporting that 15 adults either saw Sandusky or had “direct knowledge” of his acts and did nothing to stop him. NONE of those adults were women.

–

–

Bus to hell moment: Gloria Cain defended her husband against allegations of sexual harrassment by saying “I know that’s not the person he is. He totally respects women.”

Not doubting Mrs. Cain’s sincerity, but isn’t it likely if asked that Mrs. Sandusky would have said of her husband “He totally loves children?”

–

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Slip sliding away.

November 13, 2011

Well, the high wet grass was SUPPOSED to help Stanford tonight. Instead their BCS title hopes and maybe Andrew Luck’s Heisman hopes went slip sliding away.

(It’s as if Oregon had the right cleats and the Cardinal didn’t. And then there was their inability to hold on to a wet football. Stanford played like they had never been in damp weather before. It’s not rocket science, and they’re supposed to have the rocket scientists anyway.)

But ever onward.

–

As far as the team really “Sucking for Luck” can I nominate his Stanford teammates?

–

Open note to Stanford fans who saw tonight’s ugly game and thought “Most embarrassing week ever.” There’s a lot of folks who would trade places with us in State College.

–

The best news for the BCS. After today there’s much less chance of the Stanford band getting to take on Penn State in the Rose Bowl.

–

Cam Hutchinson on the Penn State mess: “Joe Paterno was fired as the football coach. When asked how he felt about it, the 84-year-old Paterno said, ‘I coached football?'”

–

Another serious thought about this Penn State mess and the alleged coverup that went far beyond State College. Jerry Sandusky was considered a great defensive coordinator and potential head coach. But after he resigned in 1999, no university offered him a job. This in a sport where Rick Neuheisel, Lane Kiffin, George O’Leary had no problem getting rehired after scandals….

–
–

Hugh Hefner apparently told an interviewer that Lindsay Lohan will be “fully nude” in Playboy magazine’s Jan-Feb issue. And that the spread will be “classy, very classy.” This might be the first time in recent memory that Lohan and “classy” have been used in the same sentence.

–

In tonight’s GOP debate Jon Huntsman made a calm statement about avoiding a trade war with China, and also said “We diminish our standing in the world and the values that we project, which include liberty, democracy, human rights and open markets, when we torture. Waterboarding is torture. We shouldn’t torture.” If the man gets any more reasonable he’ll be polling in negative numbers.

–

Meanwhile, when asked about his many flip-flops, Mitt Romney replied “I think people understand that I’m a man of steadiness and constancy.” Is Mitt counting on the fact that most Americans may not understand the meaning of three syllable words like “steadiness” and “constancy?”

–

NBA commissioner David Stern is blaming “greedy” NBA agents for trying to scuttle a new labor deal. Right, as opposed to all those benevolent billionaires who just have the players’ best interests at heart.

–

That story of former porn star Sasha Grey reading children’s stories to first graders in Compton, CA is still generating some anger. Mostly from fathers who weren’t notified in advance and given a chance to attend.

–

Rick Perry did better at tonight’s GOP debate. But he didn’t get a chance to say what he really wanted -the three reasons he is still the best candidate. The Texas Governor planned to explain both of them.

–

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Comments: 1 Comment

Send in the Clowns.

November 12, 2011

Ironically, Rick Perry’s only being able to remember two of the three Departments he wanted to cut may end up benefiting… Newt Gingrich? A man who so far has forgotten two of the three times he said that “death do us part” stuff.

–

A new book “Election 2012: The Battle Begins” says that Newt Gingrich’s current wife, Callista, didn’t want him to run for President. But he bought her off with a cruise and over $1 million in Tiffany’s jewelry. Guess Newt has learned, it was cheaper than alimony.

–

In Montague, Michigan, city officials declared challenger Kevin Erb, 32, the new mayor, after they determined that the votes for winning incumbent Henry Roesler Jr., 84. don’t officially count. Since Roesler died a week before the election. Makes no sense. A lack of signs of life hasn’t hurt Mitt Romney in the polls yet.

–

Herman Cain was joking yesterday about Anita Hill endorsing him. Not to say Cain doesn’t get it but what’s next? Asking Letterman if he can come on with his “Top Ten Pickup Lines?

–

Cain was actually hinting Friday that he thinks he might be Romney’s running mate. And well, Herman does have something Mitt doesn’t have – a discernable pulse.

–

Congratuations to Rick Perry. How many people thought just a month or two ago that it would be possible to take the title away from Michele Bachmann as the dimmest bulb in the race.?

–
Meanwhile, some pundits are commenting on Obama’s apparent lack of a re-election campaign strategy. But actually the President has what he thinks is a very effective plan – “regular GOP debates.”

–

Regarding Joe Paterno, it seems quite plausible that he is a man who has done much good in his life, but made one unforgivable moral mistake. Before we say that negates Joe Pa’s entire legacy, Americans should remember Ted Kennedy.

–

TMZ reports that a Los Angeles school is in denial mode after a former porn legend, Sasha Grey, read children’s books to first graders last week. Apparently some parents complained. One question, how did they recognize the name?

–

In the Pac 12, Stanford’s goal is to continue what they hope will be a BCS bowl run by beating Oregon. In the SEC, LSU and Alabama hope to continue their BCS bowl runs by beating Western Kentucky and Mississippi State. (And scoring a touchdown or two while they’re at it.)

–

After last week’s 9-6 LSU Alabama snoozefest, you expect students to show up with signs this weekend “Occupy the End Zone.”

–

Pre-game thought: Most people who expect Oregon to beat Stanford figure it will be because of the Ducks’ speed. But the Cardinal plays on grass, it’s been raining much of Friday, and have to think coach David Shaw has told the grounds crew to turn on the sprinklers tonight.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: Be the first to comment

Not so Happy Valley.

November 11, 2011

Reading more and more about the Penn State case, seems pretty obvious the school should change their mascot from “Nittany Lions” to “Cowardly Lions.”

–

Penn State has announced that there have been “multiple threats” against assistant football coach Mike McQueary, the man who saw Sandusky and the boy in the shower. So out of fears for his safety, McQueary will not be at Saturday’s game. With over 100,000 people in the stadium, the University doesn’t think someone would step in if they saw him being assaulted?

–

Ohio State was notified by the NCAA that in addition to other allegations, the University will now be charged with “failure to monitor” regarding player benefits. ” Failure to monitor” has been considered one of the most serious allegations the NCAA can bring against a school. Well, until this week anyway..

from Marc Ragovin: “Happy Valley is now known as Lake Joebegone.”

–

Rick Perry will be on David Letterman tonight, apparently with a self-deprecating Top Ten list. Uh, shouldn’t it be a Top Nine list?

–

Rick Perry’s economic plan – “9-9-…..”

–

As embarrassing as last night was for Rick Perry, at least he’s not Mormon. It can cause serious problems when you forget one of your wives.

Newt Gingrich also expressed some sympathy for Perry’s forgetting that third department. In fact, Gingrich said that he too has such moments, and forgets the name of one of HIS wives.

–

It is amazing that a candidate who can’t count to three wants to eliminate the Department of Education.

–
Apparently almost 1000 Twilight fans have lined up in Los Angeles five days in advance for the premiere of “Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1.” Actually they’re waiting for a “camping spot” in line, and a numbered wristband, which doesn’t guarantee them a ticket. Even Star Trek fans are saying “These people are nuts.”

–

Prominent Republicans are being at least publicly supportive of Rick Perry after he forgot the third Cabinet department he would cut. Sarah Palin reportedly is even loaning the Texas governor one of her Sharpies.

–

Zynga CEO Mark Pincus apparently wants some of the gaming company’s early employees to give back stock they own before the company’s IPO. The employees reportedly said, sure, when you give us those thousands of hours of our life back. (Or when hell freezes over, whichever comes first.)

–
NBA commissioner David Stern is proposing a 72 game regular season. Many fans think that’s only about 50 games too long.

–

Houston beat Tulane in football Thursday night, 73 to 17. Yeah, the scoring numbers are impressive, but it would be interesting to see if the Cougars played an actual solidly Division 1 level team – like the Indianapolis Colts.

–

After his disastrous blunder last night, Rick Perry says he is still getting lots of support to stay in the Presidential race. Most of that support is coming from Democrats. (And comedy writers.)

–

Pat Burrell says his career is over. Regular SF Giants fans have known that since about June.

Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: 2 Comments

« Older Entries