Archive for April 2011

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The wedding and other post-mortems.

April 30, 2011

After the Royal Wedding, many men thought Friday morning  – “What a waste of time for a televised non-event… especially when the clips will be available on line…, why would any woman have bothered to watch live? Meanwhile, what time is ESPN’s coverage of day 2 of the NFL draft?”

As they played “God save the Queen/King” wonder if William whispered to Kate “Honey, they’re playing our song,”

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But on the occasion of William’s wedding the Spencer family wanted to make it clear they have no hard feelings towards Prince Charles. In fact when he entered Westminister Abbey with Camilla, Diana’s brother reportedly asked  Elton John to play a song – “The bitch is back.”

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So what would have happened if this man was the presidential or vice-presidential nominee ? Just before he was born, his father sent his mother to California to give birth because, as he explained, “My father had a complex about not having been born in the United States.” The boy was raised in Mexico City, and grew up to be… New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson. (source Wikipedia)

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Not a good time for the Braves. First pitching coach Roger McDowell went on a homophobic rant to fans before a game in San Francisco, now pitcher Derek Lowe has been charged with drunken driving. Last time Atlanta had a week this bad, Sherman was involved.

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Yellowstone park rangers issued three tickets to people walking ON Old Faithful geyser this week, after the tourists were caught on a webcam. (Old Faithful itself erupts with 204 degree water, and there is only a thin crust of earth covering boiling hot water in many places.) Wonder what percentage of the ticket revenue goes into a fund to cover the costs of Darwin awards.

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Donald Trump insisted, again, that the problem with oil prices is that we don’t have a leader who will simply tell them “you are not going to raise the ‘bleeping’ price.” Strong words from someone who turned down an ownership opportunity because he didn’t even think he could fix the Mets.

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MLB suspended White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen for two games because he argued balls and strikes and then complained about being ejected during the game. So I wonder, will his next tweet be a complaint about the fine?

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Well,  as many would have predicted last December, the lowly Carolina Panthers got a Stanford star in the draft. It was, however, DT Sione Fua with the 97th pick.

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And yes, it’s early in the season. But the Giants’ offense has been so hard to find in the last couple weeks that the teams’ batters may soon find their pictures on milk cartons.

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The San Jose Sharks win 2-1 in overtime despite being out shot 46-25 by the Red Wings. If Paul the Octopus wasn’t dead, this just killed him.

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Weddings etc.

April 28, 2011

Think positive guys, any woman who stays up to watch the wedding will probably be too tired to fight you for the remote this weekend.

So who’s advertising during the Royal Wedding? My guess is we’re not going to see a lot of beer commercials and ads for Cialis.

Kate Middleton has the added appeal for Royal Wedding watchers of being a “commoner.” But in actually, she is a very unusual  British young woman. For starters, she still has all her teeth.

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This just in: Trump now demands proof that Obama’s mother did not take hospital workers hostage and order them to create a fake birth certificate.

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And now that Donald Trump is “so proud” of himself with the Obama birth certificate issue, can he turn his powers to issues that are more important to a greater number of Americans? For example, why did Bud Selig have MLB take over the Dodgers but not the Mets?

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Meanwhile, Frank McCourt is battling the MLB takeover, saying  “Nobody handed the Dodgers to me, and nobody’s going to take it away.”

Yep, based on the financial documents that are coming out, the McCourts stole the team fair and square.

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Actually, maybe what McCourt should say is that his buying the Dodgers was at least as legitimate as Selig’s attempted oversight of Performance Enhancing Drugs.

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Apple now admits to having a locator tracker in their software. Who knew? All we might have needed to do was to send Osama Bin Laden a free iPhone.

The Lakers finished off the Hornets tonight. But who’d a thunk that at the very least New Orleans would have outlasted the Knicks. (And almost outlasted the Spurs.)

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Cam Newton #1. For the Panthers’ sake lets hope this doesn’t become a chapter in a book titled “Not-so-smart teams, Foolish choices.”

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from my son Carey, Newton is about to sign his second pro contract,

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Condoleezza Rice said today of Donald Rumsfeld that “he doesn’t know what he is talking about” and that “Don can be a grumpy guy.” Rumsfeld’s response? Well it might just be to quote Rice on George W. – that Bush’s “intelligence had simply failed to come across to the American people.”

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David Letterman tonight criticized Donald Trump’s questions about how Obama got into Harvard, and how he wrote his book. “It smacks of racism,” says Letterman. “Smack?” More like a full-on punch to the head.

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Teams are really desperate for QBs in this year’s NFL draft. How desperate? If Alex Smith was back in the draft he might even be a fourth or fifth rounder.

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Trump card?

April 28, 2011

 Donald Trump says “I am so proud of myself” for “forcing” Obama to release his birth certificate. So this is what we would have to look forward too with a Trump presidency? Spending a fortune to do something completely unnecessary while ignoring important issues? (Actually sounds like Reagan’s “invasion” of Grenada.)

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And really.  My stock response for years now on the Obama birth question. Okay, if you REALLY think there was a conspiracy and his birth certificate was faked, don’t you think the Clinton machne wouldn’t have unearthed it during the primary?

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Meanwhile, what happened to Trump’s claim that his investigators were “turning up interesting things?” Maybe that meant they have absolutely found the best Mai Tai in Honolulu?

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But now  that Obama has released his birth certificate,  will Trump really follow through and release his tax records. Or will the Democrats hold out for him releasing receipts from his hairdresser?

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Since the birth certificate thing didn’t work out, now Trump is suggesting Obama was a “terrible student, terrible,” and asked “How does a bad student go to Columbia and then to Harvard?” “Oh, STFU,” responded George W. Bush.

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At this point you almost have to wonder, is Donald Trump part of some perverse scheme to ensure the re-election of President Obama.  By assuring that no sane person will vote for the GOP candidate in 2012?

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That Obama birth certificate is really frustrating for a lot of conservatives. Now they need to come up with a new code phrase to say “It’s because he’s black.”

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Open note to all birthers. Fine, we admit it, President Obama was not born in the U.S. Barack was actually placed in a space capsule as a baby by his father Jor-el and sent to earth just before his home planet exploded.

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from my friend Alex Schubert:  A new survey says that frequent Twitter users have shorter relationships. And really frequent Twitter users don’t have relationships at all.

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And back to sports: The New York Mets are apparently $625 MILLION in the hole. Wow, that’s almost as much as the receipts from a sellout at Yankee Stadium.

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Former badboy Ron Artest was just named the winner of this year’s J . Walter Kennedy Citizenship Award, presented by the Professional Basketball Writers Association for outstanding service and dedication to the community. Artest will receive the actual award as soon as the writers can locate enough flying pigs for the ceremony.

 

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Lots of strikes and you’re out.

April 27, 2011

 

Lindsay Lohan said on the Tonight Show that her latest arrest was “definitely a wake-up call.” Yeah, but how many calls does it take? Think Lindsay needs to stop hitting the snooze button.

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The University of Florida dismissed senior star cornerback Janoris Jenkins from the team, less than a week after his arrest for marijuana possession. Jenkins had also been arrested and was on probation for being caught smoking pot in January, 2011 Guess it’s true what they say about marijuana affecting short term memory.

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Regarding the NFL owners pleading that they are losing money but refusing to open their books. This is kind of like one party in a divorce case telling his or her soon-to-be-ex-spouse, “This is all I can afford to pay, why can’t you just trust me?”

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At this point, NFL players may be allowed back to their team facilities, but they won’t be allowed to work out. “Why couldn’t this happen when I played?” asked JaMarcus Russell?

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An Alaska Airlines flight was evacuated last Friday afternoon at John Wayne Airport in California after a “suspicious powder” was found in a lavatory. Which turned out to be toilet paper remnants.. Other airlines have announced they may try to limit such threats by charging for toilet paper.

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William and Catherine (Kate) are trying to semi-economize on this Royal Wedding. But they did turn down an offer from Prince Charles for some of the leftover items from his wedding to Camilla. Apparently the newlyweds will stick with the traditional rice to be tossed after the ceremony, instead of using hay.

Watching replays of  Darren Ford’s miracle run around the bases for the Giants tonight.  (Went from first to third on an errant throw, ran home on an easy grounder when the infielder didn’t look him back carefully enough.) 

Maybe they should change his name to Darren Ferrari.

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So when Darren Ford was called up from Fresno to the Giants and told to get to San Francisco as soon as possible, I assume he ran the whole way?

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On a wet Monday in Pittsburgh, about 2600 fans showed up to see the Pirates beat the Nationals. Or as former Montreal Expos fans called it – “a really big crowd.”

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Sacramento representatives have made their final pitch to convince the league relocation committee that the city really wants and can support an NBA team. And failing that, they’d like to keep the Kings.

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Katie Couric is stepping down as the anchor for CBS News. Well, she lasted longer at the helm than Sarah Palin.

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Stocks closed at their highest levels in nearly three years thanks to stronger corporate earnings and a lift in consumer confidence. So how come none of the GOP Presidential contenders have tried to blame this on President Obama?

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Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus told reporters today that “birther” claims are a distraction from more important issues: “Trump and the candidates can talk about it all they want, but my position is that the president was born in the United States.” Translation – “This topic is making us look like a party of fruitcakes.”

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Will another “one” bite the dust?

April 26, 2011

The number one seed San Antonio Spurs are one loss away from being bounced out of basketball’s post season. Who do they think they are? The Pitt Panthers?

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Although really, the Spurs on the verge of elimination, and the Lakers are tied 2-2 in round one. Are we sure Butler isn’t somehow involved?

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Nice job by the Denver Nuggets to stave off elimination for at least one more game in the first round of the playoffs. Especially since it means the Nuggets have lasted longer without Carmelo Anthony than the Knicks did with him.

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And yeah, for the first team to be out of the NBA playoffs, and swept out at that, who had Carmelo Anthony and the Knicks? (And who outside of New York isn’t snickering just a little?)

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Levi Johnston, Sarah Palin’s one-time future son-in-law, is writing a book. In a statement he explained “I want to tell the truth about my close relationship with the Palins, my sense of Sarah, and my perplexing fall from grace – how I feel and what I’ve learned, I’m doing this for me, for my boy Tripp and for the country.”

Well, that and the probable six figure (at least) advance he got.

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Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour has announced he will not run for President in 2012. Wonder if this means he can’t find his birth certificate.

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New Orleans police arrested Los Angeles Lakers forward Derrick Caracter. He was charged with public drunkenness and shoving a pregnant cashier at a pancake restaurant. Looks like the Lakers are trying hard to take back the title from the Miami Heat of “America’s most hated team.”

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My friend Tony Banks says this is the first offensive move Caracter has made all season.

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The NCAA has sent a “notice of allegations” to OSU, accusing football coach Jim Tressel of lying and withholding information regarding his players’ accepting improper benefits. I see a “leaving the university I love for an NFL job to help my family” speech in Tressel’s future.

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Donald Trump has now publicly gone after both Jerry Seinfeld and Robert De Niro after they criticized his birther claims. Can’t wait to see what Trump says about the first celebrity who says he’s too thin-skinned to be president.

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Happy half-price chocolate bunny day.

April 26, 2011

I don’t believe in conspiracy theories, but it is a nice coincidence for dentists this year that Easter comes almost exactly six months after Halloween.

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And today is Easter Monday. Second only to the day after Halloween as “Half-price candy day.”

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In Mexico, the day after Halloween is known as “Day of the Dead.”  Which in the U.S. only describes the way many people feel after overdosing on chocolate bunnies and jelly bean eggs.

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In Philly, Easter 2011 may be remembered as the day, however briefly, that the 76ers rose from the dead.

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Former Pennsylvania Senator and current Presidential Candidate Rick Santorum is now calling his vote to create the Medicare prescription drug benefit “a mistake.” Which is exactly what many Pennsylvanians, including Republicans,  are calling their previous votes for Rick Santorum.

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For my hockey fan friends: A 3-0 lead turned into a 3-3 tie with game 7 coming up. The Vancouver Canucks are about to answer the question “What’s the difference between them and the Maple Leafs?” with “A little more than a week.”

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Meanwhile, in the NBA, the series is tied 2-2, and the odds still favor Los Angeles. But if New Orleans somehow pulls off this first round upset, the Lakers can add May to the list of months (currently October-April) where they haven’t bothered to show up.

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And for any Northern California sports fans looking for a reason to root for the Hornets – New Orleans fans do a pretty good “Beat L.A” chant.

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But, okay, who’d a thunk the Mets might have had more wins this week than the Rangers and Knicks put together?

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All you folks complaining about the hoopla surrounding the marriage of Prince William and Catherine Middleton, cut the English and Anglophiles some slack. After all, years from now this will probably go down in history as the first wedding to involve a Queen of England since Sir Elton John tied the knot with David Furnish.

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Weddings and beyond….

April 23, 2011

Open note to single men claiming they can’t meet any women: try placing a Craigslist ad looking for a date to watch the Royal Wedding.

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Melania Trump, Donald’s third wife, is a former model and current jewelry designer. She was coy when a reporter asked what she would wear “if she were to attend an inauguration in 2013.” Of course, considering the Donald’s marriage history, it’s not a slam dunk Melania will be anywhere near him in 2013.

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After going 15-22 in three seasons with the Wolverines, former coach Rich Rodriguez told CBSSports.com that he thinks leaving West Virginia for Ann Arbor may have been a mistake. “May have been?” That sound you hear is a collective snicker from several million Michigan fans.

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A D.C. friend responded to me about a question regarding the NHL Washington Capitals -“I’m a casual fan, I root for them but I don’t watch them.” Think that describes a lot of people wearing teal in Northern California.

Despite the San Jose Sharks’ success to this point, tonight they learned why spotting your opponent a three-four goal head start is not universally accepted as a good strategy.

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A reporter interviewing LeBron James referred to Cleveland as “your city.” James’ response. “It wasn’t my city. It wasn’t my team either, I was just a player.” Wonder how many of the few remaining unburnt Lebron jerseys in Cleveland survived that comment.

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The New York City Board of Elections says Donald Trump hasn’t voted in any primary elections since 1989. Responded Trump “Only the little people vote in primary elections.”

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And anyone who doesn’t like sacrilegious attempts at  jokes stop reading now:

Happy Easter. When we all celebrate Jesus rising from the dead with a basket of chocolate eggs he distributed to all the good little boys and girls….right?

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And remember this, love may fade. But marshmallow peeps are forever.

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Big winds and other disasters.

April 23, 2011

The tornado that severely damaged St. Louis airport also forced the evacuation of Cardinal fans at Busch Stadium.  Apparently it was the fastest emptying of a baseball park since the last seventh inning stretch at Dodger Stadium.

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Mavericks owner Mark Cuban claims “something hit me in the face,” during Dallas’s game three loss to the Portland Trail Blazers at the Rose Garden. Is he sure it wasn’t just a face palm?

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The director of a groundbreaking UC San Diego brain bank is looking for donors who will supply interesting life histories, and then their brains after death. The director, Dr. Jacobo Annese, says he would love to have Trump’s brain some day. Makes sense, maybe he can figure out why the Donald appears to have stopped using it.

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Lindsay Lohan received a 120 day jail sentence for a probation violation over her alleged necklace theft. In an interview this week, Lohan said she was eager to put her court cases behind her and once again be known as an actress. Actually Lindsay’s hardest role might simply be acting like a grown-up.

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The Dodgers beat the Cubs 12 to 2 today, for their third straight win since Major League Baseball seized control of the team. Fans in New York are thinking of petitioning Bud Selig to take control of the Mets.

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Saturday night will be game four of the San Jose-Los Angeles NHL first round playoff series.  Now, the two teams together scored seven goals in the second period of game three, five goals in the second period of game four.

Not to say the Sharks and Kings goalies were napping, but they were starting to look like air traffic controllers.

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John McCain, while visiting Libya, told reporters there is  a “significant degree of stalemate,” and more NATO assets are needed. Hmm, wonder if that means McCain will next be calling for NATO to help out with the U.S. Congress.

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My comedy writer friend Neil Berliner bemoans the fact that more people can name the “Three Stooges” than the GOP presidential candidates. But to be fair, there are a lot more than three stooges running for President.

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BYU basketball star Brandon Davies apparently plans to return and play this seaso for the university, despite being dismissed for an honor code violation. (Premarital sex with his girlfriend.) So how does he get his honor back? By marrying the young woman?

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If Davies does marry his girlfriend, will it be a three-point-shotgun wedding?

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Happy Earth Day.

April 22, 2011

Millions of Americans are saying they will not drive their cars to celebrate Earth Day. Well, it sounds better than saying they can’t afford gas.

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And in Cleveland, many will celebrate Earth Day by burying Lebron James jerseys six feet under.

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A data center run by Amazon.com crashed Thursday, causing problems not only at Amazon, but many websites and Internet services like Foursquare, Hootsuite (a Twitter dashboard) and Reddit which rely on AWS (Amazon Web Services.) It was awful, many Americans actually had no alternative but to do their work.

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Okay, I must have missed something. Where in the rules for the playoff series between the Sharks and the Kings was the line that said goalies should take the second period off?

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Mike Leake, arrested for shoplifting Monday, nonetheless started and got the win for the Reds Thursday afternoon. If this keeps up Leake could end up being the best sticky-fingered pitcher since Gaylord Perry.

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Bud Selig has announced that MLB playoffs will probably expand from eight to ten teams in 2012. The only holdup for now, trying to figure out how to guarantee that those ten teams will always include the Red Sox and Yankees.

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Meghan McCain interviewed Donald Trump, who told her “I like you and I like your father, I’ll tell you. And I like your mother. I like your whole family.” Well, makes sense that the Donald would like Meghan. She’s about the right age to be his next wife.

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I am not generally a fan of country music, and I am never a fan of the Dodgers. But still, it’s cool that American Idol contestant Scotty McCreery, 17, a North Carolina native, was thrilled and impressed to meet Tommy Lasorda.

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Kinder Eggs, a popular European chocolate egg that contains a toy inside,  have been banned from importation into the United States,” and can be confiscated by Customs.

The reason, because they contain an embedded “non-nutritive object.”  Uh, doesn’t that describe most fillings at Taco Bell.

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Yet another candidate has announced for the GOP presidential nomination – former New Mexico Governor Gary Johnson. Johnson, who leans libertarian, supports gay marriage, abortion rights and legalizing marijuana. He also wants to slash 90 percent of the defense budget. This could be becoming a primary debate I’d pay to watch.

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Phillie-bot and other machines:

April 21, 2011

 

A baseball-tossing robot – PhillieBot – was booed by Philly fans after its ceremonial first pitch bounced about 10 feet in front of the plate. Nonetheless, after the game the robot was still offered a chance to try out for the Mets bullpen.

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After the robot was booed, he did get a message from Santa, saying “Don’t take it personally.”

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Just wondering, for a pitching robot, is WD40 a performance enhancing drug?

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T.C. said, had the pitch been a strike, the Bot would have still been on the mound in  the fifth inning.

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The Chicago History Museum recently posted on its website a court deposition from Eddie Cicotte, one of the Black Sox, saying that the Chicago Cubs may have been offered money to throw the 1918 World Series. Cubs fans laugh, saying the team has never needed any incentive to lose in the postseason.

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The commissioner of baseball is on top of problems in his usual timely fashion: Bud Selig has announced that MLB is taking control of the Dodgers. Selig says he acted “because of my deep concerns regarding the finances and operations of the Dodgers.” What was his first clue?

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Starting next week the U.S. government will scrap the color-coded warning system, and switch to a two-tiered system – “Imminent Threat Alert,” triggered by a “credible, specific, and impending terrorist threat,” and ““Elevated Threat Alert,” which just warns of a of a “credible terrorist threat.”

So fans of “Orange” will just have to look for Youtube videos of John Boehner.

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A little comfort for the technologically challenged:  You ever have a computer problem make you feel stupid? It could be worse. The SF Chronicle reported that during a big New Year’s Eve fire at a San Francisco apartment the Division of Emergency Services’ main computer lost its Internet connection, and workers couldn’t get the backup system running because no one knew the password.

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McDonalds plans to hire 50,000 people total. These new employees will have a share goal – to make enough money so they won’t have to eat at McDonalds.

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Zoosk, an online social-dating network, released a survey this month that found 39% of American singles would rather have a root canal than watch the royal wedding next Friday. These singles are called “straight men.”

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President Obama had a town-hall style meeting Wednesday. You could tell he was at Facebook; when asked about the status of the budget negotiations, the President replied “It’s complicated.”

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4 / 20

April 20, 2011

Today is 4/20 which has become a semi official holiday for people to celebrate and consume marijuana. Of course, to do it properly, the holiday should be forgotten and then celebrated at least 24 hours after the fact.

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Meanwhile, on Tuesday night, the Dodgers bullpen gave up EIGHT runs in the top of the ninth inning against the Braves, turning a close 2-1 game into a rout. But thanks to the Kings blowing a four goal lead against the Sharks, the Dodgers weren’t even the most embarrassing sports story in Los Angeles of the evening.

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Oakland shut out the Boston Red Sox 5-0 tonight, despite committing their major league leading 19th error of the season. Should we start referring to them as the Oakland “E”s?

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The NFL released their 2011 schedule. Considering how far apart the two sides seem in terms of a settlement, isn’t this about as realistic as the New York Mets offering a plan that would guarantee the ability of fans to purchase playoff tickets?

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Bob Knight has apologized to the University of Kentucky and coach John Calipari, after claiming that several of the Wildcats’ players did not attend spring semester classes last year.

What Bob’s apology said was shouldn’t have made it (his slam against one-and-dones)  personal to Kentucky.”  What Knight no doubt thought was he shouldn’t have qualified the statement with “spring semester.”

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Today GOP House members issued a contract to pay former Solicitor General Paul Clement $575 an hour, with a $500,000 cap, to defend the 1996 Defense of Marriage Act. I’m waiting for the Tea Party outrage.

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Donald Trump says the ‘last person’ Obama wants to run against is Donald Trump. Well, and yes, since President Obama would be limited to two terms I think he would LOVE the last person he runs against to be Trump.

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The unemployment rate fell in two-thirds of the nation’s states last month, as again private employers added more than 200,000 jobs. Many Republicans were dismayed, however, because the more new jobs, the less chance that Obama loses his.

Brooke Mueller, Charlie Sheen’s soon-to-be ex-wife, has won her latest custody battle with Sheen. Mueller herself allegedly bought crack cocaine from a street corner drug dealer last week. Open question to conservative “family values” types – can a loving gay couple possibly be a worse choice for parenting than these two clowns?

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Trumped?

April 19, 2011

Donald Trump said recently he has “good relationships with the blacks.” Amazing that he didn’t add “Some of my best friends are black.”

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And what exactly did that sentence mean?  Is he talking about Knicks season tickets?

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Can hardly wait to hear what Trump says about Latinos.

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Trump also says he could tell OPEC to lower crude oil prices, insisting that prices “will go down if you say it properly.”    And he says Obama lives in a world of make-believe?

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A former Sarah Palin aide will release his tell-all book “Blind Allegiance” in May. Author Frank Bailey is not, however, worried about being sued. To sue him Sarah would actually have to read it.

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‎ “Western New England College”, with 3700 students,  has announced they will become “Western New England University” on July 1. The institution immediately received calls from several SEC schools hoping to play them in football.

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Glenn Beck announced that he has sold his Connecticut mansion and will be leaving the New York City area. For many New Yorkers, this almost makes up for the Mets.

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Reds’ pitcher Mike Leake was arrested in Cincinnati (for shoplifting.) No word on if manager Dusty Baker will suspend him, but in related news Leake was just declared an honorary Bengal.

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And on the brighter side for Leake, he’s already had some interest in a date from both Winona Ryder and Lindsay Lohan.

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The alleged shoplifting was for six shirts, totaling less than $60 at Macy’s.  At least Leake wasn’t shopping at Neiman Marcus, where six shirts would easily total up to grand larceny.

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Out-of-state students at the University of California pay more than $23,000 more a year than in-state students. And this year 18 % of admitted freshmen are from out of state. Wonder how long it will take the tea-partiers to suggest the schools need to stop accepting kids from California.

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An air traffic controller was suspended for watching a movie on his DVD player while on duty, the crime thriller “Cleaner.” In his defense, the controller said he was just trying to stay awake.
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Today is “Patriot’s Day,” a holiday observed in Massachusetts and Maine to mark the anniversary of the battles of Lexington and Concord in 1775. Meanwhile, Michele Bachman allegedly tried to celebrate the event in New Hampshire.
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Arizona Governor Jan Brewer on Monday vetoed a bill that would have required President Barack Obama and other presidential candidates to prove their U.S. citizenship before their names could appear on the state’s ballot.
So yes, that answers a question many have asked  – is there anything that’s too crazy for Arizona?
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And guess her veto means Brewer has no interest in running on a ticket in 2012 with Donald Trump.
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Augie’s comment on Nicholas Cage, Charlie Sheen and Ann Coulter teaming up for a movie version of “Two and a Half Men”  –  “Who’s the half man?”
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You think just maybe the Miami Heat watched the Spurs-Grizzlies and Lakers-Hornets games yesterday? Or at least saw the scores?

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Sunday Night Yankees Baseball?

April 18, 2011

As we watch the New York Yankees on the game of the week AGAIN, baseball fans can be glad for one thing. Major League Baseball doesn’t have a BCS. Otherwise it would be Red-Sox Yankees in EVERY ALCS. (And if they could tweak the rules enough, in the World Series too.)

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Meanwhile, over for the fans over in Queens, the Mets ended a seven game losing streak with a 3-2 win over the Atlanta Braves.   Not that their fans are completely mollified, but a win a week puts them on par with expectations for the New York Giants and Jets.

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Meanwhile,  the Grizzlies and the Hornets knocked off the San Antonio Spurs and the Los Angeles Lakers.  Or as the networks are trying to spin it  “A funny thing happened on the way to the NBA Western Conference Finals.”

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And re that final in Los Angeles –  Hornets 109 – Lakers 100:   Should someone tell Kobe and company the regular season is over and they can start playing now?

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According to Glenn Beck, the GOP, his own party, now wants to “politically assassinate” him, Michele Bachmann and Sarah Palin. Actually, no. All three are all doing a fine job of doing that themselves every time they open their mouths.

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Okay, who had this headline two weeks into the season? “Indians win, knock Royals out of first.”

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Some of the worst storms in decades have killed dozens of people and wreaked incredible damage in Oklahoma, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia and North Carolina. As awful as things have been, however, somehow no conservative commentators have suggested it was God’s revenge on anyone’s actions in these Red States.

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Now, I’m not voting for Mitt for president in this lifetime, but really? Donald Trump today criticized Mitt Romney’s business skills, saying “I’m a much bigger business man and have a much, much bigger net worth.” This from a man with as many bankruptcies as wives.

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And meanwhile, back in New York.  Okay, it was close. But it’s hard to view the team who made an orchestrated trade for Carmelo Anthony as hard luck losers.

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Rambling through the weekend.

April 17, 2011

Today’s 76ers-Heat playoff game wasn’t even a sellout in Miami.    Guess Heat fans are emulating their team in not showing up unless they think it really matters.

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Headline for my hockey fan friends – “Price is Right.”

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Before Nicholas Cage’s arrest, the New Orleans police allegedly told him and his wife to just go home. And Cage responded, “Why don’t you just arrest me?” When the cops again said “go home”, he repeated the dare. Cage was charged with domestic abuse and disturbing the peace. Because they couldn’t charge him with felony stupidity.

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Maybe Nicholas Cage and Charlie Sheen and Ann Coulter can start in a movie version of “Two and a Half Men.”

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Lady Gaga was spotted at Walt Disney World’s Magic Kingdom on Saturday. Prompting thousands of children just reaching the age of skepticism about cartoon characters to ask “Mommy, is there a person inside that costume?”

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Pitcher Colby Lewis of the Texas Rangers was the first player to go on Major League Baseball’s new paternity leave. (Which allows players to miss from 24-72 hours without going on the disabled list.) This could be the start of a nice trend in professional sports, though the NBA would have to limit it to a certain number of uses for each player per season.

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So we’ve got a huge deficit and the government shuts down online poker games. Here’s a different idea – keep them going and tax the winnings.

Sarah Palin criticized congressional Republicans Saturday for not cutting spending enough, and saying the GOP needs to “fight like a girl.” “Fight like a girl?” In Palin-speak I guess that means dishing it out and crying media bias instead of taking it.

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A recent study at UCSF indicates that multitasking, especially with all the technological applications(Facebook, Twitter, email, texts….) available these days impedes short-term memory and makes it harder for people to focus. Oh look, a dancing kitten!!

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Kevin Na scored a 12-over par 16 on the ninth hole during the first round of the Texas Open.   The last time the PGA has seen such a disastrously large number, it involved Tiger Woods’ online black book.

Or as Marc Ragovin said ” haven’t seen so many futile swings since the last time the Mets played.”

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Second season?

April 16, 2011

Actually,  many regular fans would say the playoffs, which start tomorrow, are the NBA’s only season.

Although for many teams, including California’s Warriors, Clippers, and Kings, the real second season is the lottery ball pick.

Meanwhile,  back in the land of the living;  Lebron James’s jersey is apparently the number one seller in the world.  No word on how many of those are repeat sales to buyers who found they worked well as kindling.

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The  CDC now says that last fall 21 NBA players on 13 teams apparently had the norovirus. It took the CDC so long to determine this because the outward signs, a general lethargy and lack of energy, are also symptoms of play in the NBA regular season.

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A proposed new NCAA rule will allow teams, when their opponent has a penalty in the last minute of the the half, to choose to accept the penalty AND run 10 seconds off the clock. The only potential snag – getting enough SEC players enrolled in advanced math so they can count to ten.

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And they wonder why Americans can’t count: Big Macy’s ad in the Friday paper. “One Day Sale – Shop Today and Tomorrow.”

And we wonder why mail is sometimes mis-delivered. The Post Office has a “forever” first-class stamp featuring the Statue of Liberty. Except that the Statue of Liberty on the stamp isn’t the one in New York harbor, it’s the replica statue located at the New York New York Casino in Las Vegas. (Not making this up.)

But maybe slot machines for customers waiting in line could be an interesting way to help close the USPS’s budget deficit?

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For NHL fans, the Boston Bruins are playing the Montreal Canadiens  in the first round of the playoffs and the rivalry is getting heated.  “Boston Pizza”, a chain with  locations in Montreal, will unofficially temporarily be renamed “Montreal Pizza.”

Now, the most famous food from Montreal is smoked meat.  But for fans hoping to retaliate, unfortunately nothing is getting smoked in Boston these days except the Red Sox.

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One thing I wouldn’t mind the GOP slashing is hypocrisy. Paul Ryan, whose proposed budget would cut Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security, had his father die when he was 16. Ryan then paid for his college eduation at Miami University (of Ohio) with Social Security survivors benefits.

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Commie pinko time again:

Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice will appear on an upcoming episode of “30 Rock.”  Anyone who doubts Rice’s ability to do comedy and keep a straight face clearly has not seen her performance in calmly answering questions “The United States does not torture.”.

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Streaking towards the weekend.

April 15, 2011

The Colorado Rockies are 10-2.  But maybe that record should have an asterisk. The last four wins were against the Mets.

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Not to say the Red Sox have gotten off to a rough start. But local media voted that the team’s best performance of the week was the grounds crew covering the field with the tarp before yesterday’s rainout.

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T.C. says “the Red Sox are on a streak. One rain out and one off-day.  They’ll be praying for snow tomorrow.”

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Applebee’s gave a toddler a margarita in a sippy cup. Olive Garden served a two year old a glass of sangria. How come this kind of mixup never happens with crying children on planes? (Kidding, mostly.)

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Taco Bell is apparently testing taco shells made from Doritos Nacho Cheese chips.And presumably exploring endorsement contracts with Tim Lincecum and Willie Nelson.

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Donald Trump will officially announce his candidacy for President on “The Apprentice.” Well, this ought to dissuade all the detractors who say Trump is just running to get free publicity for his television show.

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Joe Biden appeared to fall asleep because he was bored during President Obama’s speech yesterday. Not true exactly, when he nodded off the vice president was actually running through one of his own future speeches in his head.

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Charlie Sheen’s lawyer says there have been discussions about the troubled actor returning to “Two and a Half Men.” I believe the exact discussions with CBS went something like “Yeah, when there’s two and a half snowballs in h*ll.”

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Jennifer Lopez was voted the “Most Beautiful Woman in the World” by People Magazine. But Steven Tyler is miffed because he felt he should have at least made the top ten.

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There have been at least five recent incidents of air traffic controllers falling asleep on the job. So okay, the government is trying to cut costs—what about a sponsorship agreement here with Starbucks and/or Red Bull?

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Just wondering, they want to cut healthcare funding, welfare, education….. Where were all the Tea Party members protesting the waste of government money at the Barry Bonds trial?

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And is this the newest oxymoron?  “reality television star.”

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Commie pinko time:

After protests from students and others, Fox News has removed a story from their site, titled ‘GWU Suicide Tragically Coincides With Obama Speech.’ (A George Washington student was found dead in his room the same afternoon the President spoke at the school.) Well, at least Fox didn’t allege the student was despondent over the question of where Obama was born.

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The verdict:

April 14, 2011

We all know now that Barry Bonds, along with a pretty significant number of players, took steroids. But how many Giants fans cheering as Bonds approached Aaron’s record really thought he was clean?

My guess, about as many as voted for Bill Clinton thinking he was a faithful husband.

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So how long until someone tries to allege Brian Wilson’s beard is a PED – performance enhancing device?

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Phrase I would like to nominate for retirement: “In it to win it.”

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A T & T is sending out a new free magazine, with the caption on the front  – “See the many ways A T & T is committed to serving our Northern California customers.”

Here’s a suggestion for the phone company:  Can the magazine, save the money, and use it to upgrade your coverage.

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Okay, I’ll take Kobe Bryant at his word that he’s not a homophobe and the slur he muttered against a referee (rhymes with sucking maggot), “came strictly out of anger and shouldn’t be taken literally.” But just wonder how Byrant would have reacted had a referee “strictly out of anger” insulted him with the “n” word.

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A Washington state couple has been arrested and charged with with keeping their 6 and 7 year old children in a cage. What kind of monsters use a cage for young children? For teenagers, maybe.

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AL MVP Josh Hamilton will be out for six to eight weeks with a fracture in his arm he sustained by sliding into home plate. Well, at least this is one misfortune that is unlikely to befall the 2011 Red Sox – their players are rarely running from third to home.

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Back to Barry:  So is one of the other verdicts of the Bonds trial that chicks who dug the long ball ended up with guys with small balls?

And before we breathe a sigh of relief; while THIS trial is over, since it was a hung jury, federal prosecutors and the Justice Department will have to decide whether to retry Bonds on the unresolved counts. Uh, can we be done now?

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From Bill Littlejohn:   “President Obama has announced that he wants four trillion dollars trimmed off of the budget deficit.His advisors informed him that he could do that by not re-trying Barry Bonds”

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If they do retry Barry Bonds, or when they have the  Roger Clemens trial, I have one wish: Will someone PLEASE call Bud Selig to the stand and ask him under oath about his statements that he had no idea MLB had a Performance Enhancing Drug problem?

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Ever get the sense we’re all unpaid extras in Trump’s new “reality’ show – “Who Wants to be a Presidential Candidate?”

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Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty is sort of running for the GOP Presidential nomination, though he hasn’t made it official. The hang up – he’s trying to think of a better slogan than “I’m not as crazy as the rest of them.”

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Stress test:

April 13, 2011

You think you had a stressful evening?   Can you imagine sitting in a window seat on the left side of the plane on that little Delta plane that got clipped by the Air France jumbo jet?

 

In the wake of their Airbus 380 clipping a smaller plane at JFK airport, Air France has, however, changed some of their protocols. For example, Happy Hour for pilots will not begin until AFTER the plane is in the air.

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Wednesday night may be the last NBA game in Sacramento, as the team may move to Anaheim.  Although frustrated Kings fans may say they watched their last professional game a few years ago.

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Former Egyptian president Mubarak allegedly suffered a heart attack brought on by the stress of being about to be questioned by prosecutors. Some are skeptical. As opposed to no one who would be surprised if Vice President Cheney had a heart attack after the stress of today’s falling oil prices.

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Glenn Beck has apparently said he doesn’t see Sarah Palin running for president and said Palin “has done some damage to her political brand.” Interesting comment from a guy who proved himself too crazy for Fox News.

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It’s not a typo, Cleveland is in first place in the AL Central. The last time the Indians had such an unexpectedly good week, Custer was involved.

 

Meanwhile Mets fans got some good news Tuesday with no bullpen collapse against the Rockies; the game was rained out.

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A shout out to all those Giants fans who have been clamoring since spring training for Aaron Rowand to get a chance for more playing time.  The same fans presumably who had Butler and VCU in the Final Four.

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There are three California hockey teams in this year’s NHL playoffs.  Asked for a response, most Californians responded “We have hockey teams?”

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And regarding the trivia question from a couple nights ago.

 

The current largest capacity stadium in Major League Baseball is Dodger Stadium, 56,000.  (Presumably between the third and seventh innings.)

 

The smallest for years WAS Fenway Park, but its capacity has been increased to 39,928., making PNC Park in Pittsburgh the true smallest, at 38,496.

But here’s where it gets interesting/stupid.  Tropicana Field can easily hold over 42,000 during the postseason, but they only open up about 37,000 seats for most home games.   And the Oakland A’s have closed off their upper deck in recent years, selling only about 35,000 seats, although they once had a crowd of over 55,000 in 2002.  (Personally,  I think if you can adjust seating capacity as easily as removing a tarp, that being called the smallest doesn’t count.)

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It’s Monday and already it’s a long week.

April 12, 2011

The World Champion San Francisco Giants have really been struggling on defense for the first ten games of the season. Maybe the team should leave their World Series rings off when they take the field?

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Latest redundancy: Struggling New York Mets bullpen.

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Poor Rory McIlroy – on the brink of his first major championship, he inexplicably just couldn’t put the ball where he wanted it. On a brighter note,   Rory has been offered an honorary degree from Butler.

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from Marc Ragovin:  “I’m not saying that Rory McIlroy is young, but he looks like he should be playing with Chevy Chase and Ted Knight.”

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The NFLPA has suggested that players may not want to attend the NFL draft ceremony to show solidarity with locked out veterans. Cam Newton, however, has announced he will be there. Can’t imagine how Cam got a reputation for being a selfish egoist.

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CNN says this is “breaking news.” – Mitt Romney says he formed an exploratory committee as a first step in a potential run for GOP presidential nomination. With all due respect, when has Mitt ever stopped running?

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Go figure, the Mormon is the only serious male candidate in the race who’s only had one wife.

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The Marlins look more than respectable this year, the Rays look woeful, but the real headline sports story opening week in Florida? A quarterback controversy after the Gators’ spring scrimmage in Gainesville. (That lousy attendance for both teams isn’t just their stadiums.)

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Two former University of San Diego basketball players and an assistant coach are amongst nine people who  have been indicted for allegedly taking a bribe to influence the outcome of a game against UC Riverside. What’s most shocking? People actually bet on a game between USD and UC Riverside?!

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Open question to Tea Party members: So if we are going to slash spending, which foods should the FDA and USDA stop inspecting and regulating? Meat, fruit, vegetables? All of them? Should we just put all producers and growers on the honor system?

And while we’re at it, slash the FAA inspection budget too. It’s not like planes are falling apart in the sky or running into each other on the ground…… Oops, never mind.

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Young and Old Masters.

April 11, 2011

Congratulations to the Giants’ Buster Posey. Not only did he receive his “2010 Rookie of the Year” award Sunday, it was announced that he and his wife are expecting twins later this year.  Guess this proves that, appearances to the contrary, Buster has reached puberty.

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Must have been fun for anyone texting about the Masters today. Since so many phones have “predictive spelling” can’t imagine how anyone managed to spell “Charl” without it turning into ‘Charlie.”

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(Tacky time)  Tiger may not have won today. But it must have been nice to hear the conversation turning back to his performance with holes on a golf course.

 

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One semi-silver lining for New York Mets fans after a really rough afternoon. Rory McIlroy’s collapse was a bigger story on Sportscenter than that of the Mets’ bullpen

Of course the difference is that most people assume McIlroy will get better.

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A new biography of Steve Jobs will be out next year. And then a few months later a pocket-sized version will be available. And then one you can attach to a keychain. ((Magnifying glass presumably included.)

 

 

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While Sarah Palin won’t directly address the “birther” issue, she said of Trump’s new focus  -“I appreciate that the Donald wants to spend his resources in getting to the bottom of something that so interests him and many Americans.” Wonder if Palin would say the same thing if he wanted to investigate alleged ethics violations from her time as Governor of Alaska?

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One sign that Major League Baseball is in midseason form. The Fox “Game of the Week” Saturday afternoon – Yankees-Red Sox. The Sunday night “Game of the Week” on ESPN – Yankees-Red Sox. (Note to Bud Selig – maybe viewership might be higher during the post-season if most of America had actually seen any but their local teams and the Yankees-Red Sox during the season

(As my friend Scott Brady points out, for variation there is always Red Sox-Yankees.)

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Regarding Manny being Manny, and his retiring rather than face a 100 game suspension for a second failed drug test:  Is the penalty doubled for the second positive test as a stiffer punishment?  Or as an additional penalty for stupidity?

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Opening week trivia question – which Major League Baseball park holds the most fans?  (No fair Googling it.)  And which holds the least?  It used to be Fenway, but there is now one that is  smaller.  (And there are three parks where they close off some of the seats until and unless the team gets to the postseason, but I’m not counting those.)

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