Archive for July 2010

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One wedding…and a potential funeral.

July 31, 2010

The wedding, of course, was Chelsea Clinton’s. The potential funeral, Levi Johnston’s, now that Mama Grizzly has heard embarassing stories leak about TWO ex-girlfriends he apparently got back together with between engagements to Bristol.

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Chelsea Clinton’s wedding was beautiful and touching. Not only did Hillary do the typical mother-of-the-bride crying, apparently Bill cried too. Right during the part where the minister said “If anyone knows of a reason why the couple should not wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

He was crying that no one spoke up when he married Hillary.

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One of Tiger Woods’ alleged mistresses, porn star Joslyn James, referred to another of the golfer’s alleged mistresses as “an embarrassment.” We knew Tiger was at least at one time the greatest golfer in the world, but he may have pulled off a more difficult feat – making Bill Clinton look like he had classy taste in women.

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Hillary Clinton wore an Oscar de la Renta gown at Chelsea’s wedding. Apparently no designer mother-of-the-bride pantsuits were available.

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For everyone tired of all the hype regarding Chelsea Clinton’s wedding, there may be some silver lining in the Levi Johnston paternity story. We’re a lot less likely to go through this all again with Bristol Palin.

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Actually, the rumors are that the on-again, off-again Palin-Johnston engagement is off, again. Even Brett Favre is saying “Kids, make up your minds.”

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Before the trade deadline the Yankees picked up Kerry Wood. Who pronounced himself thrilled to be heading to the Bronx, and ready to be injured for the post-season.

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The Seattle Mariners set a franchise record by losing 22 games in July. (Even with the All-Star break.) The only team with a worse record this month… BP’s PR department.

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No wonder there are worries about consumer spending and the recovery: The New York Yankees added only $4.8 million to their payroll at the trade deadline.

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From Bill Littlejohn : On Friday night against the Cubs, the Rockies set a record with 11 straight hits.They broke the record held by Michael Phelps on his bong”

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No crime or misdemeanor?

July 30, 2010

The Portland Police decided not to file charges against Al Gore in the alleged 2006 sexual assault case. They cited deficiencies in the masseuse’s story, lack of forensic evidence, and the near impossibility of getting a 12 person jury to imagine Gore as a “crazed sex poodle.”

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Tom Brady says he would like to pay another 10 years, until he’s 43. “Quitting so young? scoffed Brett Favre.

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With Tim Tebow’s new deal with Jockey as an underwear model, maybe we’ll finally get an answer to that age old question.. .WWJW? As in “What would Jesus wear?” (Boxers or briefs?)

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Where is Saturday Night Live when you need them? As in the ESPN spoof I want to see… Alex Rodriguez is still stuck on 599 home runs, and Generalissmo Francisco Franco is still dead.

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After 10 plastic surgery operations, Heidi Montag has filed for divorce from Spencer Pratt. Her alleged reason? He doesn’t appreciate “the real me.”

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Washington manager Jim Riggleman says he will employ a “closer by committee” strategy after the team traded Matt Capps for prospects. This is a relatively new concept for the Nationals — having games to close.

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A snarky but funny comments from Gary Morton regarding my post about the Bristol Palin-Levi Johnston saga, where Levi’s ex-girlfriend may be pregnant with his child, but she doesn’t know which of three guys it is…. “What, she couldn’t read the names on the back of their jerseys (as they sprinted from her trailer)?

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Sarah Palin criticized President Obama for going on “The View.” I guess she feels like he should spend his time on more important things, like taking his family camping with Kate Gosselin.

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Bill Clinton today, in talking about Chelsea’s wedding and her potential dress, said he doesn’t remember what Hillary wore during their wedding. Makes sense, he hasn’t remembered his vows either.
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On “The View,” President Obama admitted he didn’t know who “Snooki” was. That’s okay, on “Jersey Shore” Snooki admitted she didn’t know who President Obama was.

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Two men were arrested at Citi Field during the Mets-Diamondbacks game after they jumped onto the field carrying Mexican flags to protest of Arizona’s immigration law. Fans were actually rather supportive of their efforts. In fact, a majority felt that we should leave Mexican workers alone, and just deport the Mets.

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“Northern Overexposure,” renewed for another season.

July 30, 2010

So the “Northern Overexposure” show continues. Soon after the announcement that Bristol Palin is re-engaged to her ex-fiance, and father of her child, Levi Johnston, is facing a paternity test from an ex-girlfriend. Apparently the two reconnected during the time Bristol and Levi were not seeing each other.

The young woman says she “thinks” Levi is the father, but is “extremely embarrassed” because she doesn’t know.

Apparently there are at least three potential dads here. Who knew Levi and Bristol’s potential reality show might be an Alaskan remake of “Mama Mia.”

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And okay, what kind of idiot gets a girl accidentally pregnant, and then doesn’t use condoms? (I never knew Levi had NBA aspirations.)

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A friend posted this quote today. “We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.” — Robert Wilensky, 1996

On the other hand, they do a good job of reproducing the collective tweets of Sarah Palin.

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Poor ESPN. What are they to do? For a lead story on every edition of Sportscenter they won’t be able to decide between updates on A-Rod being stuck on 599 home runs, and Stephen Strasburg disabled list updates….

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Regarding President Obama’s appearance on “the View,” give the guy a little credit for being aware of popular culture. They asked former President George W. Bush what he thought of the View and he replied “I liked the one of the Rose Garden best.”

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Terrell Owens apparently arrived too late and missed his flight to Cincinnati last night. Well, T.O. may or may not still be able to get past NFL safeties, but clearly he’s no match for Delta gate agents.

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An investigation has shown that as many as 6600 graves at Arlington National Cemetery may have been unmarked or mismarked. So apparently they should have been referring to the Tombs of the Unknown Soldiers.

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Federal agents in Fresno say they have arrested 100 people in an operation which netted over $1.7 billion worth of pot in Central California. In related news, sales of Doritos in the Fresno area have fallen 50 percent.

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Buck Showalter was hired today as manager of the Orioles. Well, at least he won’t have to worry about any more criticism for managing badly during the playoffs.

(while Showalter has done well with teams in the past, none of them have won the World Series, and two won it the year AFTER he left.)
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Meg Whitman has said if elected she will run California like she ran Ebay. For starters, instead of an expensive re-election campaign, she’ll just implement a “Buy-it-Now” button.

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According to a recent poll, apparently Meg Whitman’s expensive commercials are largely being tuned out by California voters. Well, if this governor thing doesn’t work out, she may have a job waiting for her as director of programming for NBC.

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Color me fined?

July 29, 2010

Brian Wilson, the SF Giants All-Star Closer, was fined $1000 for wearing the orange shoes he wore during the All-Star game during the regular season. Apparently the shoes were “too flashy,” and “distracting.”

Let’s hope the MLB fashion police never show up at A T and T Park on Friday night. (When the team ALL has been wearing bright orange jerseys.)

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Actually Wilson violated one of baseball’s cardinal rules. The only time a player is allowed to wear anything colorful and or ridiculous is if that part of the uniform is fully licensed by MLB for sales to the public. (Anyone remember those Fourth of July caps, for starters?)
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Scary thought, Lindsay Lohan has now done more jail time than any Goldman Sachs executive.

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Bad month for the latest former USC star named O.J. First the school strips him from the basketball record books, now today he was cut from Team USA. Guess O.J. just couldn’t convince coaches to hold the Mayo.

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The SF Giants won on a 10th inning walkoff hit, have won 17 of their last 21 games, and Buster Posey is on a 21 game hitting streak (one short of the team rookie record set by Willie McCovey.) Meanwhile, the lead story at ESPN, A-Rod remains stuck on 599 home runs.

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ESPN decided to pull an unflattering profile of Lebron James shortly after it was published on their website today. Apparently the story didn’t come close to making Lebron look as bad as “the Decision.”

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Anyone want to lay odds on what marriage of egos will collapse first? James, Bosh and Wade with the Heat? Or T.O and Ochicinco with the Bengals? Even Larry King has commented that it’s going to be tough for those relationships to last.

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From Bill Littlejohn: “Florida’s Chris Coughlan is on the disabled list after injuring himself while throwing a pie in the face of teammate Wes Helms during a celebration.Looks like the Marlins have gone from fire sales to Soupy Sales”

The Governor of New Jersey has slammed “Jersey Shore” as a negative for the state. Can’t wait to see what he says this season about the Nets.

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The news from London, BP is firing their CEO Tony Heyward and sending him to work on a joint venture in Russia. And President Medvedev responded “Wait a minute, what about our mutual non-aggression policy?”

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Republicans are worried about the release of former President George W. Bush’s memoirs, titled “Decision Points,” right around the November elections. Democrats just hope that for their party the memoirs turn out to be a thousand points of delight.

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Republicans claim that the new Democratic National Committee strategy of trying to tie the GOP to the Tea Party is “political quackery.” Well, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck…

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Dignity, what dignity?

July 28, 2010

Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell criticized Barack Obama for agreeing to appear on “the View” because he feels “there should be a little bit of dignity to the presidency.” Right, after George W. Bush who gave the German Chancellor a neck rub, and Bill Clinton, who, well, do we really need to go there…?-

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The scandal continues in Bell, California, where top city officials were paid hundreds of thousands a year while the small town cut services and low-wage jobs. Normally the only people who are that overpaid in Southern California have signed long-term contracts with the Dodgers.

(or are named Lane Kiffin)

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Lane Kiffin said he was surprised that the Titans are suing him over his stealth hiring of their former assistant coach, saying “I didn’t anticipate this. No one would have.” Sounds like the Trojans found a true successor to Pete Carroll.

But let’s see here, seriously, Carroll alleges he was perhaps the only person in the world who didn’t know that USC was probably going on probation for recruiting violations. Kiffin now says he might have been the only person in football who didn’t realize he was committing several violations in hiring Kennedy Pola from the Titans.

So is it time to change the name of the school to University of the Seriously Clueless?

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Despite his mother’s having paid an “Unaccompanied Minor” fee, a 9 year old boy travelling from SF was forgotten in a children’s waiting room at O’Hare for almost 8 hours when no one came to pick him up for his Chicago Ottawa flight. Is this what United calls a “minor” problem?

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No word on the rumor that United’s Airline’s alleged first response was “You paid an unaccompanied minor fee…we left him unaccompanied.”

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Baseball players already face derision from players of other sports as not being “real athletes.” While I would disagree with that assessment, it would help if players would avoid injuries while doing things like putting on their shirts and hitting teammates with shaving cream pies.

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Meanwhile on a more serious note, this year, all NFL team locker rooms with have a poster saying that players should report concussions or symptoms, and warning that repeated concussions “can change your life and your family’s life forever.” How about a simpler and more to the point message? “Playing football is hazardous to your health.”
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But okay, once again, who came up with the baseball statistic “Quality Start?” (6 or more innings, 3 or less earned runs.) That’s a 4.50 ERA folks. It’s like saying .250 is a “Quality Batting Average.”

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Sarah Palin and Kate Gosselin are apparently going to go on a camping trip to be filmed for an episode of Kate’s new TLC reality show. Wonder what the episode will be titled? “Dumb and Dumber” has already been taken. (My friend Michael Duca suggests, “Twit and Twitter.)
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Ohio State University says former football star Maurice Clarett has been granted admission again to complete his degree after he spent more than three years in prison.

Things will be a little different on campus for the man who once led the Buckeyes to a national championship….wonder if anyone’s told him yet about books and classes.

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A whole of lot of bad sports

July 27, 2010

President Obama will appear on “the View” Thursday. And he thought he had a hard time getting a word in edgewise with Joe Biden….

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On Monday, Despite rumors that BP CEO Tony Hayward was on his way out, a company spokesman said “Tony Hayward remains our chief executive and has the full support of the board and senior management.” Guess the translation was- “We’re still working out the severance package.”

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Two former University of Memphis basketball players were arrested this weekend, after a routine traffic stop showed the driver had a suspended license, and police found both marijuana and a loaded gun in the car. Say what you want about the Memphis program, but they do seem to produce players who are NBA ready.

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Dallas Cowboys rookie Dez Bryant basically refused to take part in the team’s regular hazing ritual of carrying a veteran’s shoulder pads after practice, and said he is “focusing on catching passes, not rookie rituals.”

Well, we don’t know how he’ll do with catching passes, but he’s done a nice job of painting a bullseye on his own back.

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The Cincinnati Bengals are apparently trying to work out a contract with Terrell Owens to have him join Chad Ochocino on the team. One of the potential sticking points…. would T.O. and Ochocino together put the Bengals over the NFL’s ego cap
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The Tigers’ Magglio Ordonez and Carlos Guillen just joined the team’s already packed disabled list. Disappointed Detroit sports fans are thinking, well, it’s almost football season. Er, scratch that, when does the NHL start?

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How expensive have California politics become? Even billionaire Jeff Greene had to move out of state and switch parties to run for the Senate. (Greene ran for Congress as a Republican in 1982, but moved out of state two years ago and is now running as a Democrat in Florida.)
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Continental Airlines is testing “self-boarding” at Houston airport, whereby passengers just swipe a boarding pass at a kiosk and get on the plane without dealing with a human agent. And given the travel manners of the average American, what could possibly go wrong?

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British Airways is going to set up the “first sustainable jet-fuel plant in Europe.” The plant will actually make fuel out of waste, including leftover uneaten and/or inedible food. Well, they won’t have any problem finding plenty of that in England.
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Here we go again. Now in Philadelphia two Drexel University basketball players are facing armed robbery charges. If these student athletes wanted to make money in college so badly, why didn’t they just go to USC?
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Barry Zito, $18 million a year, and at least a mediocre quality start tonight, Aaron Rowand, $12 million a year and an actual (fan-aided) homerun plus a single. Edgar Renteria, $9 million a year….and 0-5 with 3 strikeouts. Well, two out of three ain’t as bad as usual.

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Howard Dean charged Fox News with being racist. Not so, replied a Fox News spokesman, We aren’t racist, we hate all liberals equally.

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Tea Party members are fond of saying “Taxation is theft.” So when do they start refusing all government benefits as gifts of stolen property?

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Vegas, the Cubs and other fantasies

July 25, 2010

Latest trend in Las Vegas, all-day “All You Can Eat” buffet passes. Thereby helping ensure, “what happens in Vegas stays on your hips.”

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Cher is headlining again in Las Vegas. I don’t want to say her face looks a little tight, but even Nancy Pelosi commented, “that woman has had too much work done.”

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Another thought on Cher? Not to say she has had a lot of plastic surgery. But it may have taken more work to get her to look like she does not, than to turn her daughter Chastity into a dude..

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Latest trend in Las Vegas – 24 hour “All You Can Eat” buffet passes. Thereby helping ensure “What happens in Vegas, stays on your hips.”

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Saturday night in Las Vegas was a Justin Bieber concert. You have to figure that for any adult man at the show not with his daughter(s), bouncers should have run them through a sex offenders registry.

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The opening line in 2010, meaning “betting odds” on the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series was 5 to 1, it’s now at 40 to 1. Who knows what it will be in 2011? For Cubs fans, it’s become sort of the betting equivalent of putting money with Bernie Madoff.

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After Lane Kiffin hired away a Titans assistant without the standard courtesy call to the team first, Tennessee coach Jeff Fisher said he was “very disappointed in the lack of professionalism on behalf of Lane.” Which means until now Fisher might have been the only person in America who thought Kiffin had ANY professionalism.

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Alex Rodriguez, an admitted steroids user, is closing in on this 600th home run. And in Paris, the Tour de France crowned another champion amidst clouds of suspicion that darken every year. It’s enough to make sports fans for the purity and honesty of pro-wrestling.

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After Friday’s SF Giants win, Henry Schulman of the SF Chronice wrote: “Manager Bruce Bochy gave Buster Posey a night off Friday and guess what? Planets did not collide, animals did not start talking in tongues, and the Giants did not lose.

But to be fair, they were playing the Arizona Diamondbacks.

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Colorado pitcher, Ubaldo Jiminez, who started off the year with a 0.78 ERA in April and May, has a 5.67 ERA in June and July. This might be the fastest anyone’s stock has fallen since Lehmann Brothers.
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Major League Baseball has announced the first testing for HGH – Human Growth Hormone. But the tests will apply only to minor league teams. “Aren’t we suffering enough?”, responded the Baltimore Orioles.

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Weekend games

July 24, 2010

The latest “It’s all about me getting to play with my friends” whine comes from Chris Paul, currently of the New Orleans hornets.

Forget the salary cap, maybe what the NBA needs is an ego cap.

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Just heard today that Comic-con has actually been going on since 1970. Scary. That means some of these people have actually met and mated.

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Lou Pinella is the latest manager who will be at least temporarily retiring after being with the Chicago Cubs. Makes sense, aren’t Cub years the equivalent of Dog years?

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The San Francisco Giants may soon give Dontrelle Willis a chance in their bullpen. They’re hoping D-Train hasn’t permanently left D-Station.

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The Barry Bonds perjury trial has been postponed again, this time until at least 2011. By the time they finally bring this case to court the only performance enhancing drug Bonds will be using is “Metamucil.”

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The U.S. Hockey Hall of Fame announced the election of three more players yesterday. Oddly enough, three is the average number of Americans on a given day who visit the U.S. Hockey Fall of Fame.

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India has announced a new $35 computer designed especially for students. Well, they already had free local tech support.

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Manager Bruce Bochy of the San Francisco Giants, after his team moved into the lead for the NL Wild Card “We can’t be peeking at the scoreboard in July.” To which Arizona Diamondbacks manager Kirk Gibson no doubt replied, “We don’t need to.”
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A study published in “Environmental Health” magazine links cleaning products to a higher risk of breast cancer. Another reason a messy house is good for you!

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France soccer coach Laurent Blanc will suspend all 23 players on the team for one game next match as punishment for their embarrassing performance last month. So that means in the next match, none of the team that travelled to South Africa will be playing. Which is different from the World Cup how?

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from reader T.C.

“We saw the great Tim Wakefield live in Oakland this week. I’ve never seen slow motion replay actually used in a real game.”

And from Alex Kaseberg:

An audio tape with a racist rant from Mel Gibson to his ex-girlfriend was leaked to the Internet; in the tape, Gibson behaves so badly he was named an honorary FIFA World Cup referee.

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Sports and other distractions.

July 23, 2010

One of the University of California’s top football recruits, Chris Martin, has decided to transfer to Florida. Apparently he says being at Cal would have meant too many distractions – like classes.

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As the list of players and schools grows in the NCAA investigation of that big agent-sponsored Memorial Day party at the Fountainebleau hotel in Miami, one common refrain is emerging from all of those protesting innocence – “I did NOT take my talents to South Beach.”
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Now New Orleans point guard Chris Paul wants to be traded to the New York Knicks so he can play with Amare Stoudemire and someday Carmelo Anthony. So when exactly did the NBA become a bunch of guys choosing sides on the playground?

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But to be fair to Paul, maybe he just feels New York would offer him a more exciting atmosphere, while still avoiding all that playoff pressure.

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Bristol Palin told US Weekly that her mother is not happy about her upcoming marriage. So any day now expect to read this Shakespearian tweet – “How sharper than a grizzly’s tooth to have a thankless child. You betcha.”

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The bat that Pete Rose used to get his final hit sold at auction for only $158,776. Rose was pretty upset. The all-time MLB hit leader had long ago sold the bat, but had bet it would go for at least $200,000.
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First Lady Michelle Obama went to an Orioles game in Baltimore to pitch her childhood obesity “Let’s Move” campaign. Said Baltimore fans “Sounds like a great idea, just how far away can we move this team?”

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Palo Alto’s Jeremy Lin signed a two year contract with the Golden State Warriors. Okay, let’s be real – a couple weeks ago most people would have said that you would be more likely to see a basketball fan in Cleveland still wearing a Lebron jersey, than to see an Asian-American point guard from Harvard in the NBA.

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The Beach Boys may reunite for a 50th anniversary tour. Of course now all their “California Girls” have become the “Little Old Ladies from Pasadena.”

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A United flight hit sudden turbulence resulting in passengers being thrown around the cabin. It was the third United plane to experience such a sudden drop this year. The airline is now apparently in negotiations with Six Flags to turn the experience into a paid thrill ride.

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BP admitted Thursday that they have removed another substantially altered photo on their Gulf of Mexico oil disaster website. The company added that they have now told their contract photographers not to do any more Photoshopping on the site.

So what did the these photographers do before hiring on at BP? Work with supermodels?

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The real criteria for being a BCS conference…?

July 22, 2010

It’s beginning to look like…do you have bribe-worthy players?

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Alabama coach Nick Saban is plenty upset about all the recent stories of NCAA investigations due to behavior by sports agents. In fact, he questioned during SEC media days, that how were some of these agents “any better than a pimp?”

Saban’s comments immediately drew fire, from insulted pimps.

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So USC is returning their copy of Reggie Bush’s Heisman trophy, but not their copy of O.J. Simpson’s trophy. Apparently killing two people pales in comparison to the far greater crime of getting the Trojans put on probation.

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Tiger Woods’ endorsements are apparently down about $22 million this year. So okay, to be real, most advertisements are really selling sex, or the lure of having sex. But apparently there can be too much of a good thing?

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Final Jeopardy question tonight.

Who is the only U.S. president who actually has degrees (not honorary degrees,) from both Harvard and Yale.)

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Sarah Palin likes to refer to many of her chosen November candidates as “Mama Grizzlies.” Is this the best idea? Don’t grizzlies go into hibernation and disappear around November?

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The latest potential Palin-Shakespeare colloboration? “Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him well,, or at least I could see him regularly from my house.”

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Or perhaps on the Johnson-Palin family feud’ Two households, both alike in selling their dignity. In fair Wasilla where we lay our scene…”
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Nevada Senate candidate Sharron Angle has proposed phasing out Social Security and Medicare, reinstating Prohibition, and getting rid of fluoride in drinking water. She also says she believes she gains very little from conducting interviews with the “mainstream media.” Okay, on that I agree with her.

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After the Twilight Zone game on Tuesday night, Dodgers manager Joe Torre had to serve a one-game suspension Wednesday against the Giants. But I heard he left a nice new copy of the MLB rulebook in the dugout.

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An actual serious question (yes, once in a while, why not?) I know sometimes passengers need to move around. But after yet another incident where sudden, severe turbulence resulted in a number of injuries aboard a United Airlines plane, why does ANYONE still sit in their airline seat with their seatbelt off?

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And back to jokes. This was the third United flight that dropped suddenly due to turbulence since February. United Airlines denies rumors that they are in negotiations with Six Flags to charge passengers extra for future “Drop Zone” flight experiences.

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This joke inspired by one from my friend Jerry Perisho.

A independent state Assembly candidate in Wisconsin had her ballot statement rejected by elections officials as being too disgusting.

What, did she refer to herself as “still a Brett Favre fan?”

(Jerry’s joke, “Cheesehead” wasn’t bad enough?_ And for really curious readers, google the story, her five word statement was a stupid racial slur, and doesn’t bear repeating.)

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Giants-Dodgers, and other episodes of the Twilight Zone.

July 21, 2010

Part of Major League Baseball Rule 8.06 “A manager or coach is considered to have concluded his visit to the mound when he leaves the 18-foot circle surrounding the pitcher’s rubber.” Never heard that rule before? Neither had acting Dodgers manager Don Mattingly.

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(for anyone who didnt see tonight’s Giants-Dodger game. A manager is allowed only one visit to a pitcher per inning, the second visit means you must remove your pitcher… Mattingly, who was managing only because Joe Torre and the bench coach had been ejected, came out to speak to his closer with the bases loaded, left the mound, remembered something, and went back briefly. Giants manager Bruce Bochy saw it, told the umpires, and they had no choice but to make him change pitchers. The new pitcher had very little time to warm up, and gave up the game winning hit.)

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And yes, I know, a couple readers have to be thinking… the infield fly rule is bad enough.)

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The Dodgers have lost six in a row and this divorce between Frank and Jamie McCourt is really getting ugly. Each of them are demanding the other take custody of the team.

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Most amazing thing about the weirdest Giants-Dodgers game in recent memory Tuesday night? Manny Ramirez wasn’t even involved.

(The Dodgers placed Manny on the 15 day disabled list today. To be fair, he’s got to be getting close to his third trimester.)

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USC is returning their copy of Reggie Bush’s Heisman trophy to the Heisman trust. I don’t see why…it was certainly bought and paid for.

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You cannot make this stuff up. An convicted felon was stopped by the CHP on a Bay Area highway Sunday and was arrested after he allegedly got into a gun battle with officers using some of his large arsenal.

The man is now telling police he wanted to kill ACLU and Tides foundation employees to start an anti-government revolution. But he wants a public defender.

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Brett Favre’s agent gave an interview to Men’s Journal magazine where he angrily referred to his client as a “drama queen.” Really? What was his first clue?

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Some say Sarah Palin has no business comparing herself to Shakespeare since she has probably never read Shakespeare. But I hear Sarah has become quite fond of this quote from Twelfth Night. “Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage.”

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Sarah Palin is now comparing herself to Shakespeare. When asked if she writes in iambic pentameter, Palin responded ‘Of course not, I’m a true American, I write in English.”

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According to a “representative” for Bristol Palin, her upcoming wedding and marriage will not become a reality show.” So for now Bristol’s “focus remains on doing what is best for Tripp and her family.” Translation, she hasn’t gotten a good enough offer.
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last word from Bill Littlejohn:

After almost a week, there seems to be no significant leaks and it looks like it might hold. But enough about Lindsay Lohan’s sobriety”

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Midseason form…

July 20, 2010

University of Pittsburgh defensive end Jabaal Sheard has been suspended indefinitely. after he was accused of throwing another man through the glass door of an art gallery. Sheard may not play for the Panthers again, but with that kind of arm and attitude some teams may want him as an NFL quarterback.

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Although besides being suspended from the team, it seems pretty likely Jabaal flunked art appreciation.

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Forever 21, the discount fashion chain beloved by teenagers, is now coming out with a maternity line. I think I see another endorsement opportunity ahead for Bristol Palin.

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According to a London tabloid, the New York Yankees are thinking of bidding on a top soccer team, the Tottenham Hotspur of the English Premier League. I guess it’s not enough for their ownership to be hated on only one continent.

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One sign that we are well into Major League Baseball’s midseason? The All-Star game. The second sign? Kerry Wood is back on the disabled list.
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The Texas Rangers beat the Detroit Tigers in 14 innings, in a game that ended around midnight. Almost five hours. The only thing that’s lasted longer this year for the Rangers is Bengie Molina’s baserunning during last week’s triple.

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Atlanta Braves reliever Jonny Venters was suspended four games for intentionally throwing at Prince Fielder on Saturday. Two games for hitting him, two more games for being stupid enough to throw at the guy most likely to crush you if he stormed the mound.

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Good news, bad news for the SF Giants about Madison Bumgarner. The good news, the rookie pitcher can flat out hit. The bad news, he hits better than the team’s $12 million a year centerfielder. (Aaron Rowand)

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Another day, another nail-biting save for the Giants. Have to wonder, at AA meetings in the San Francisco Area, besides “relationships,” “job stress,” how many people say the reason they drink is “Brian Wilson?.” (Even the SF Chronicle noted in their post game interview with Bruce Bochy that the manager was clutching “a comforting beverage.”)

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At the age of 106 and after living here 40 years, Ignacia Moya today finally became a U.S. Citizen. Her biggest regret – not having been able to vote for that “nice young man,” John McCain.

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Sarah Palin actually seems to be quite fond of her new word “refudiate,” because she has used it repeatedly. Maybe since she’s trying to court the anti-intellectual vote it’s part of her “strategery?”

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From Jerry Perisho The phrase you’re most likely to hear at Chelsea’s wedding: “That’s not an ice sculpture; that’s the mother of the bride.”

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Marc Ragovin again “Whats the big deal about the Yankees’ A.J. Burnett. A lot of pitchers hit the wall this time of year.

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So Republicans want to cut off unemployment benefits because they say it will encourage Americans to be lazy and not to look for work. By that token shouldn’t they want to double or triple the tax on dividends and other unearned income to encourage trust-fund babies to look for work?

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Random silliness..

July 19, 2010

Okay, baseball fans, replays show that the SF Giants SHOULD have won Sunday’s game against the New York Mets, as with a 3-3 score, Travis Ishikawa slid in safely at home and was called ou in the bottom of the ninth.

The Giants lost to the Mets 4-3 in the ninth. On the other hand, going 1 for 15 with men in scoring position doesn’t exactly give the Giants a lot of moral high ground.

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Justin Bieber’s “Baby” is now the most viewed “YouTube” video of all-time. Many parents of his fans are asking “So who is Justin Bieber?” Others are asking “What is YouTube?”

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How weak are some of Canadian teenage heart-throb’s Justin Bieber’s vocals? Some early fans are actually replacing him on their iPods with Celene Dion.

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Stupidest injury award of the week? A.J. Burnett, for hurting his hands by hitting clubhouse doors? Or Serena Williams, for cutting the bottom of her foot on broken glass at a restaurant? (Whatever happened to “no shoes, no shirt, no service?”)

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Now that the TLC show “Jon and Kate plus 8,” is poised to become “Kate Plus 8,” there’s still a hangup over child labor laws. Because while the six year old sextuplets have Pennsylania work permit, national law says they should be seven to be on camera.

On the other hand, the government may figure, how can being on camera be any more detrimental to the children than being having Jon and Kate for parents?

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The Tea Party movement isn’t necessarily racist. But these days you’re about as likely to see an African-American at a Tea Party rally as someone wearing a LeBron James jersey in Cleveland.

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Actual tweet today from Sarah Palin -“Ground Zero Mosque supporters: doesn’t it stab you in the heart, as it does ours throughout the heartland? Peaceful Muslims, pls refudiate.” Wonder how long it might take to see a follow up tweet – “All English-speaking Republicans, pls “refudiate’ Sarah Palin?”

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Americans like to think we are one of the most progressive countries on Earth. But Argentina just legalized gay marriage, and Australia has a new prime minister who is a 48 year-old childless-by-choice atheist. And while Julia Gillard is straight she is not married to the man she has lived with for years. It could happen here? Right.

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Of course, who would have given odds several years ago that the Clintons would be together to celebrate Chelsea’s wedding, and John Edwards and Al Gore would be heading for divorce.

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Despite some rumors to the contrary, BP has announced they have finally successfully capped the oil spill. And FEMA responded “what spill?”

Regarding those rumors that there is some seepage from BP’s oil well cap. Somewhere Richard Nixon is muttering to himself “You idiots can’t stop ONE stupid leak?”

This just in, Paul the Octupus says “Who the heck is Louis Oosthuizen?”

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Although the best thing about Louis Oosthuizen’s British Open win? It’s a South African sports story without any vuvuzelas.

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New York State of Mind…

July 18, 2010

Tampa-New York on television this afternoon. When will Fox drop the charade and just start referring to their Saturday baseball broadcast as the “Yankees Game of the Week.”

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I would ascribe this if I remembered where I heard it first, but the numbers bear out. The New York Yankees had eight players selected for this year’s All-Star game. Their combined salaries – $123 million. This is more than the whole payroll for all but four major league baseball teams. ‘Nuff said.

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New York Yankees pitcher A.J. Burnett was slightly injured and had to leave the game today when he threw a tantrum and hit some clubhouse doors in the middle of a loss. In a post-game apology, Burnett said he was just trying to pay his own tribute to George Steinbrenner.

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Steinbrenner was laid to rest in a private ceremony Saturday. His family had to organize the ceremony quickly, before George posthumously fired the funeral director.

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Meanwhile, over in the National League, the Mets are trying to figure out the answer to a question…what’s more embarrassing, losing three straight and being shut out for 24 innings by the SF Giants. Or allowing eight runs Saturday night to one of major league baseball’s worst offenses?

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The New York Times has killed off their “Laugh Lines” online jokes column. Of course, maybe looking at the recent news with Lindsay Lohan, Bristol and Levi, and Apple’s “problem, what problem?” response, they figure nothing could be funnier than the front pages.

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In A T and T Park’s 11 year history, there have been 33 opposite field home runs hit by right-handed hitters. (About half the number of “Splash Hits.”) And Buster Posey just hit one tonight. Yeah, I can see why the Giants didn’t think he was ready for the big leagues.

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It might have been easier for sports fans who aren’t history or political science buffs if South African Louis Oosthuizen had his great rounds at the British Open before the World Cup. Then it wouldn’t be a surprise to realize that the Netherlands and South Africa share a great deal of history.

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from reader and comedian Marc Ragovin, about the slow-footed Bengie Molina’s improbable triple Friday night. “Bengie kicked it into another gear as he approached second base: its called neutral.”

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Joe Biden’s 2008 presidential campaign has apparently been fined more than $219,000 for sloppy bookkeeping and accepting excessive contributions. This is shocking, Biden’s presidential campaign actually GOT contributions?

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And pick your punchline for this last one. Divers exploring an 18th-century shipwreck said they have discovered the world’s oldest drinkable champagne. The champagne was apparently intended for a party to celebrate…

1. John McCain’s first successful campaign.

2. Jamie Moyer’s first win.

3. Brett Favre’s first retirement party.

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The impossible dream?

July 17, 2010

Okay, tonight there is hope for anyone who has ever dreamed an impossible dream: Bengie Molina hit for the cycle.

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To put this in perspective, how likely was it that the slowest man in baseball would hit a single, double, home run and most shocking, triple in the same game? About as likely as Al Gore being accused of sexual harrassment.

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There are now rumors that Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are shopping a reality show based on their upcoming marriage. This might be the first time that Bristol, Levi, and reality have all been used in the same sentence.

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Apparently, however, Bristol and Levi really believe their potential show will be unique, focusing on how difficult it is to have any privacy when a member of your family runs for national office.

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Sarah is apparently pretty upset though. Exploiting the Palin family for money is HER job.

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Aaron Sorkin apparently is going to make a movie about the rise and fall of John Edwards. No word on the title yet, since “Despicable Me” was already taken.

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Another title that’s already been used? “Hair.”

And of course “So You Think You Can Dance… Around the Truth”

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Senator John McCain apparently did pretty well in his first debate Friday night against his Republican challenger J.D. Hayworth. Of course, McCain is an experienced veteran with debates, going back to his childhood when he attended the one between Lincoln and Douglas.

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How bad were the wind gusts Friday at the British Open? They were thinking of paving the 18th fairway with yellow bricks.

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Dwayne Wade defended his friend LeBron James today saying that James “didn’t quit” on Cleveland during the playoffs. “He prefers to think of it as saving his energy for Miami.”

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Okay, will someone explain to me how the NBA owners and Commissioner David Stern can claim that the league is losing so much money that they may have to have a player lockout next year. And yet the Golden State Warriors, one of the worst teams in the league, just sold for $450 million.

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Steve Jobs claimed in a new conference that the problems with the iPhone 4G are “overhyped.” Really, Steve…Does anyone at Apple really want to complain about “overhype?”

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And okay, we all know that as far as sports it’s New York’s country, we just live in it, but get these “Top Stories” from SI.com.

“Stephen Strasburg smothers Marlins.” (Okay, he threw six shutout innings, allowing only four hits, in a 4-0 win and the bullpen held Florida scoreless for the last three innings.)
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“Mets blanked again.” (In this game Barry Zito threw EIGHT shutout innings, with two hits, in a 1-0 game.)

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The Beer Pitcher?

In many minor league baseball stadiums, there is a “beer batter.” One player on the visiting team is designated the “beer batcher,” and every time he strikes out, beer is discounted for the next inning.

After watching Brian Wilson of the SF Giants get another of his nail-biter saves, one run lead, gave up a single with two out, then a 3 to 1 count on the next batter before striking him out, maybe we should designate him the “Beer Pitcher.” While he usually comes in after beer sales have closed, how about letting fans save their ticket stubs from games he pitches in, for one discount beer at a future game? It would be well earned.

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Oil and other leaks.

July 16, 2010

BP says that at this point there is no more oil flowing into the Gulf. Isn’t this like Tiger Woods telling Elin last Thanksgiving that there were no more women?

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Much of the world is hoping against hope that this latest fix attempt does indeed mean an end to the nonstop oil spill. Wouldn’t it be nice to go back to a time where the most disgusting leak of the week was taken by Ben Roethlisberger on a golf course?
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In California, Meg Whitman is spending $150 million to try to win the Governor’s race in a nearly bankrupt state. Now a team led by Joe Lacob and Peter Guber is spending $450 million to buy the Golden State Warriors, a team that won 26 games last year. Are Californians the worst shoppers in the world or what?

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Actually, the new Warriors ownership group outbid Larry Ellison. I guess at some point that Ellison figured, “well, heck, for that amount of money I could buy the governorship of California three times.
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Tiger Woods is using a new putter at the British Open, for the first time since 1999. And he has been catching some flak in the media for having been more faithful to his old putter than to his soon to be ex-wife Elin. In Tiger’s defense, however, he says he has been a lot more successful scoring with his putter.

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Now it looks like Apple execs, including Steve Jobs, knew about the antenna problem and released the iPhone 4G anyway. Note to Apple, when a large part of your brand is “We’re not Microsoft,” it’s probably a good idea not to act like Microsoft

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An 18th century ship hull has apparently been found at the World Trade Center site. The find is historically important on many levels, not least of which is that it may contain initials carved into the wood by Ensign John McCain.

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Latest potential Mel Gibson movie sequel? “What Women DON’T Want.”

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Okay, how slow a news day was Thursday on ESPN.com? This was an actual headline – “Favre remains undecided about return.” Tune in tomorrow when no doubt they will follow with the headlines saying “Yankees will spend what it takes to win,” and “Tiger declines to answer questions about his personal life.”

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At this point signing up to be Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer is like signing up to be BP’s public relations agency.

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The “They REALLY don’t get it” award for the year has to go to the Vatican for their latest decree intended to make it easier to prosecute abusive priests. The Church included a provision that made the “attempted ordination” of women a “grave offence” on a par with the sex abuse of minors.

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George Steinbrenner has only been dead for a few days, but says my friend Bill Littlejohn, “Already all of the ‘Angels in the Outfield’ have been traded.”

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What did he not know and when did he not know it?

July 15, 2010

Pete Carroll said on an HBO interview with Bryant Gumbel that possible sanctions against the Trojans weren’t “even a factor” in his decision to leave USC, and that “It never even dawned on me that that was even an issue.”

Okay, if he’s not lying, then he’s too stupid to be an NFL head coach.

(Either than or it sounds like Carroll paid as much attention to the off-field antics of his team, as the team themselves paid to their off-field studies.)

Actually, Pete Carroll going to the Seahawks may be a good fit, since over the years they’ve shown they don’t have a problem paying for amateur talent.

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Meanwhile, back in the NCAA, Vanderbilt’s football coach Bobby Johnson suddenly retired, saying “Football..consumes your life, you only have so many years to live, and you want to see a different way.” At the University of Michigan, thousands of fans apparently agreed with him, because they sent the story to Rich Rodriguez.
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George Steinbrenner’s funeral will be private, although in “the Boss’s” honor his family is trying to negotiate a deal to have it shown pay-for-view deal on YES, the Yankees Entertainment and Sports network.

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Dick Cheney is apparently recovering well from another heart surgery. The former V.P. may actually be setting a record for the most successful heart surgeries, especially for someone who was born without one.

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Oracle CEO Larry Ellison may buy the Golden State Warriors. Guess he got tired of hearing that buying Sun Microsystems was the worst purchase he ever made.
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KFC, home of the famous “Double Down” sandwich, made from two pieces of fried chicken, announced that second-quarter revenue fell 7 percent. Well, duh, some of their best customers are dying off.

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The uproar over Lebron James leaving hasn’t died down yet. Said reader Gary Morton “Cleveland sports fans haven’t been this hot since the Cuyahoga River caught on fire.”

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Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are engaged, again. Does this mean she’s pregnant, again?

Sometimes even in a written statement you can tell someone is biting their lip hard enough to draw blood. Thus below, Sarah Palin’s statement on her daughter’s second engagement to the same boy, erm man. Johnston:

“Bristol, at 19, is now a young adult. As parents we obviously want what is best for our children, but Bristol is ultimately in charge of determining what is best for her and her beautiful son. We pray that, as a couple, Bristol and Levi’s relationship matures into one that will allow Tripp to grow up graced with two loving parents in his life.”

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Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston say they are serious about this engagement, although because of a vow Bristol made they are now practicing abstinence. Wow, sounds like they’re already married.

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Gone but not forgotten…

July 14, 2010

As my friend Andy said about George Steinbrenner, some loved him, some hated him, but no one will forget him.

And that next thunderstorm you hear…probably George and Billy Martin reuniting somewhere.

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New York pitcher Phil Hughes was the losing pitcher in the All-Star game, charged with 2 earned runs in 1/3 of an inning. In honor of George Steinbrenner, the Yankees are thinking of having him traded to the Royals.

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With the death of George Steinbrenner, many people are now crossing “Yankees” off their bumper stickers and substituting “My favorite team is whoever is playing the “Heat.”

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Actually, until Brian McCann hit that three-run two out double, the All-Star Game was looking an awful lot like a World Cup final, albeit without vuvuzelas.

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Although, sorry Bud Selig, when asked, Paul the Octopus said he couldn’t care less who won the All-Star Game.

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Oracle CEO Larry Ellison may be on the verge of acquiring the Golden State Warriors. Which if nothing else should mean that the pundits may stop referring to Oracle’s purchase of Sun as the biggest mistake they ever made.

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And while we’re on the subject of high-tech, so let’s see, Apple’s new 4G iPhone works fine, unless you’re lefthanded, or hold the phone in your left hand. And the company is kind of shrugging it off as no big deal.

How did Apple choose their latest public relations firm anyway? A referral from BP?

The phone is apparently fixable with duct tape. Right, nothing says “I am the coolest person with the coolest newest gadget on the planet” like a phone wrapped in duct tape.

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The Queen of England was given a new Blackberry from Research in Motion on her recent trip to Canada. But I don’t think it will be anytime so that Steve Jobs will be delivering a new iPhone to the White House. (Obama is lefthanded.)

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Senate candidate Carly Fiorina said when she was at HP that “there is no job that is America’s God-given right anymore.” Apparently, however, she does believe millionaires with no political experience have a God-given right to buy elections.

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Sharron Angle, Senate candidate in Nevada, said in an interview today that God is backing her candidacy. Yeah, but Senator Harry Reid soon hopes to announce the support of Paul the Octopus.

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Just wondering, if when two candidates each have God on their side, does God flip a coin or what?

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The Cleveland Cavaliers’ Zydrunas Ilgauskas has followed Lebron James to the Heat. Making sure if nothing else the team will make Scrabble fans happy.

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Great joke from my very funny friend Alex Kaseberg.

“It has been tough for Cleveland sports fans. First, the Cleveland Browns left for Baltimore; then LeBron James leaves for Miami.

And, worst of all, the Cleveland Indians won’t go anywhere.”

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All-star break….

July 13, 2010

Monday through Wednesday of this week Major League Baseball takes a hiatus to focus on televising the All-Stars.

As opposed to the rest of the season when they focus on televising the Yankees.

Actually the Yankees have a name for the All-Star break, it’s “shopping time.”

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Meanwhile in Baltimore, fans can rest assured that for three entire days, their Orioles are guaranteed not to lose.

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For their new manager, The Orioles are apparently interested in hiring television analyst and former manager of the Yankees, Diamondbacks and Rangers, Buck Showalter.

Makes a certain amount of sense. Showalter was fired three times because he did a great job during the regular season, not so well during the playoffs. Shouldn’t be a problem for the Orioles.

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Now Bud Selig has changed things so that the All-Star game will count, to make it more “meaningful” for the players. Yeah, exactly, the lone representative from a cellar-dweller or a last-minute injury replacement from some other mediocre team can hang a slider, or get lucky on a fast ball, and it completely changes a seven game World Series. Sure, makes sense to me.

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Sunday was the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona. This year it may be hard to get an actual injury count, since in honor of Spain’s victory in the World Cup, countless runners who weren’t gored simply flopped.

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Now that the World Cup is over, so is having to listening to vuvuzelas. But for those who will actually miss the cacophonous loud sounds, there’s always the American Idol tour.

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It doesn’t look good for Mel Gibson making another Lethal Weapon movie. On the other hand he is definitely the frontrunner for the lead in a sequel to “Despicable Me.”

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The YMCA is changing their name to the “Y” but the Village People have announced they won’t change their song title. Makes sense, besides, how long until no one knows what “Kodachrome” is, either.

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Just another example of why Lebron doesn’t get it. Of course the guy had a right to decide he had given seven good years (well, plus or minus a few playoff games) to Cleveland and it was time to move to a different situation. But the special was the unfortunate equivalent of going on national tv to tell your wife you’ve decided to leave her for another woman.

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Brett Favre has been working out for a while with some high school players in Mississippi. Today he ran away from reporters who tried to ask him about his plans for next year. Apparently Brett’s now not saying anything until he can work out a contract for an ESPN special.

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Newt Gingrich says he’s considering a run for President in 2012. Yeah, who better to defend family values and marriage than a man who’s had three of them?

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Senator David Vitter of Louisiana said today he supports “birthers” challenging President Obama’s citizenship in court, although he admitted his only “direct” knowledge of the issue was from the news media “filter.” Was that the same “filter” that Senator Vitter used to decide that prostitutes didn’t count as part of “…forsaking all others”

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The World Cup is over, but the circus must go on…

July 12, 2010

“Despicable Me” was number one at the box office this weekend. Except in Ohio, where moviegoers thought it was a repeat of the Lebron James’ decision special.

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On the heels of the apparent Lebron James, Dwayne Wade and Chris Bosh pact to play together in Miami, comes a story that Amare Stoudemire has a similar arrangement with Carmelo Anthony and Tony Parker to join him in New York. Thus confirming what fans in smaller markets have suspected – NBA stands for Nothing But A**holes.

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But for those who have been watching the whole circus, and trying to decide who is the biggest attention-grabbing “bore”, (or feel free to substitute a rhyming word,) Lebron James or Cavs owner Dan Gilbert, with his open letter tirade to fans, there’s now a third option. Yep, the Reverend Jesse Jackson has now stepped into the middle of the argument, saying Gilbert sees James as a “runaway slave.”

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Monday begins Major League Baseball’s All-Star Break. So there will be no games scheduled. Plus with the World Cup over and the British Open not starting until later in the week, there will be few television options for sports fans.

And Lebron James said, “Darn, why didn’t I think of that?”

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All this talk about a rookie who hasn’t been in the big leagues long but really should be on the All-Star team….. forget Strasburg, how about Buster Posey? Hitting over .350 for the SF Giants, with 7 home runs and 25 RBIs, in 6 weeks.

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After the final World Cup match, FIFA gave out a number of awards to individual players. Unfortunately we’ll have to wait a while though, to see who ends up with the Razzies.
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Over 40 years ago, the water flowing over the American side of Niagara Falls was temporarly stopped for several months, so researchers could study the feasibility of removing some of the fallen rock. Apparently nearby residents had become so used to the extremely loud continous sound of the Falls, that they had trouble sleeping with the quiet.

Wonder if this will happen to soccer fans who may have forgotten what a day was like without vuvuzelas.

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The offensively-challenged Houston Astros fired their hitting coach, and replaced him with team legend Jeff Bagwell. This came as a surprise to Astros fans, many of whom didn’t realize their team HAD a hitting coach.

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Meanwhile, the Philadelphia Phillies and Cincinnati Reds played back to back 1-0 games this past weekend. What did they think they were doing? Auditioning for the 2014 World Cup?

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And apropos of nothing, wonder how many cases of mussels, his treat of choice, are being shipped to Paul the Octopus from Madrid this week. Meanwhile, on the menu in Amsterdam, octopus rijstaffel.

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Bob Sheppard, the voice of the Yankees for over 50 years, died Sunday at the age of 99. Or as Larry King said ‘So tragically young.”

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On a happier note, country music star Carrie Underwood married NHL star Mike Fisher last weekend. It was a strangely symmetrical group of wedding guests. Her friends were thinking “What’s the NHL?” And his friends were thinking “What’s country music?”

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