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Trumped?

April 19, 2011

Donald Trump said recently he has “good relationships with the blacks.” Amazing that he didn’t add “Some of my best friends are black.”

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And what exactly did that sentence mean?  Is he talking about Knicks season tickets?

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Can hardly wait to hear what Trump says about Latinos.

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Trump also says he could tell OPEC to lower crude oil prices, insisting that prices “will go down if you say it properly.”    And he says Obama lives in a world of make-believe?

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A former Sarah Palin aide will release his tell-all book “Blind Allegiance” in May. Author Frank Bailey is not, however, worried about being sued. To sue him Sarah would actually have to read it.

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‎ “Western New England College”, with 3700 students,  has announced they will become “Western New England University” on July 1. The institution immediately received calls from several SEC schools hoping to play them in football.

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Glenn Beck announced that he has sold his Connecticut mansion and will be leaving the New York City area. For many New Yorkers, this almost makes up for the Mets.

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Reds’ pitcher Mike Leake was arrested in Cincinnati (for shoplifting.) No word on if manager Dusty Baker will suspend him, but in related news Leake was just declared an honorary Bengal.

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And on the brighter side for Leake, he’s already had some interest in a date from both Winona Ryder and Lindsay Lohan.

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The alleged shoplifting was for six shirts, totaling less than $60 at Macy’s.  At least Leake wasn’t shopping at Neiman Marcus, where six shirts would easily total up to grand larceny.

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Out-of-state students at the University of California pay more than $23,000 more a year than in-state students. And this year 18 % of admitted freshmen are from out of state. Wonder how long it will take the tea-partiers to suggest the schools need to stop accepting kids from California.

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An air traffic controller was suspended for watching a movie on his DVD player while on duty, the crime thriller “Cleaner.” In his defense, the controller said he was just trying to stay awake.
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Today is “Patriot’s Day,” a holiday observed in Massachusetts and Maine to mark the anniversary of the battles of Lexington and Concord in 1775. Meanwhile, Michele Bachman allegedly tried to celebrate the event in New Hampshire.
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Arizona Governor Jan Brewer on Monday vetoed a bill that would have required President Barack Obama and other presidential candidates to prove their U.S. citizenship before their names could appear on the state’s ballot.
So yes, that answers a question many have asked  – is there anything that’s too crazy for Arizona?
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And guess her veto means Brewer has no interest in running on a ticket in 2012 with Donald Trump.
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Augie’s comment on Nicholas Cage, Charlie Sheen and Ann Coulter teaming up for a movie version of “Two and a Half Men”  –  “Who’s the half man?”
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You think just maybe the Miami Heat watched the Spurs-Grizzlies and Lakers-Hornets games yesterday? Or at least saw the scores?

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Streaking towards the weekend.

April 15, 2011

The Colorado Rockies are 10-2.  But maybe that record should have an asterisk. The last four wins were against the Mets.

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Not to say the Red Sox have gotten off to a rough start. But local media voted that the team’s best performance of the week was the grounds crew covering the field with the tarp before yesterday’s rainout.

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T.C. says “the Red Sox are on a streak. One rain out and one off-day.  They’ll be praying for snow tomorrow.”

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Applebee’s gave a toddler a margarita in a sippy cup. Olive Garden served a two year old a glass of sangria. How come this kind of mixup never happens with crying children on planes? (Kidding, mostly.)

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Taco Bell is apparently testing taco shells made from Doritos Nacho Cheese chips.And presumably exploring endorsement contracts with Tim Lincecum and Willie Nelson.

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Donald Trump will officially announce his candidacy for President on “The Apprentice.” Well, this ought to dissuade all the detractors who say Trump is just running to get free publicity for his television show.

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Joe Biden appeared to fall asleep because he was bored during President Obama’s speech yesterday. Not true exactly, when he nodded off the vice president was actually running through one of his own future speeches in his head.

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Charlie Sheen’s lawyer says there have been discussions about the troubled actor returning to “Two and a Half Men.” I believe the exact discussions with CBS went something like “Yeah, when there’s two and a half snowballs in h*ll.”

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Jennifer Lopez was voted the “Most Beautiful Woman in the World” by People Magazine. But Steven Tyler is miffed because he felt he should have at least made the top ten.

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There have been at least five recent incidents of air traffic controllers falling asleep on the job. So okay, the government is trying to cut costs—what about a sponsorship agreement here with Starbucks and/or Red Bull?

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Just wondering, they want to cut healthcare funding, welfare, education….. Where were all the Tea Party members protesting the waste of government money at the Barry Bonds trial?

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And is this the newest oxymoron?  “reality television star.”

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Commie pinko time:

After protests from students and others, Fox News has removed a story from their site, titled ‘GWU Suicide Tragically Coincides With Obama Speech.’ (A George Washington student was found dead in his room the same afternoon the President spoke at the school.) Well, at least Fox didn’t allege the student was despondent over the question of where Obama was born.

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Finally getting to the finals:

April 4, 2011

Stanford women picked a bad game to start shooting free throws like men.

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And who had the UConn men in the finals, and the UConn women watching at home?

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Rough time to be an ESPN executive with women’s basketball, all the hype (and already canned segments) about a Stanford-UConn rematch, and the network ends up with Texas A & M-Notre Dame?

And changing over to baseball:-

Okay,  Giants fans, it’s too soon to panic.  But maybe Aubrey Huff needs a fielding thong.

Although for anyone reading too much into MLB’s first weekend, let’s see-  the Royals are in first place, and one of the only undefeated teams left in baseball are the Baltimore Orioles?

Oh yeah,  and the Red Sox are winless.

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The Yankees are now claiming that injured lefthanded reliever Pedro Feliciano was “abused” by the Mets during the four years he pitched for them.  Not true, responded the Mets, the only people we abuse are our fans.

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Meanwhile, the third member of the Oakland Raiders was arrested this off-season.  So lockout or no lockout the team is clearly in midseason form.

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And the most recent arrest of  Raiders wide receiver  Louis Murphy, was for illegal possession of a drug without a prescription, and the drug was Viagra.  Think when the team actually gets back in the locker room he may hear one or two jokes about “performance enhancing drugs?”

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New Southwest slogan:  “Flying that’s all it’s cracked up to be?”

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“Hop”  was the clear box office winner this weekend.  It might be the highest grossing bunny movie of all time, at least without Hugh Hefner involved.

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A 74 year old in San Diego stabbed his neighbor because he said the neighbor’s dogs were harrassing his kittens. Well, I suppose it’s a twisted sign of gender equality. Now we have a crazy cat man.

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Apparently  the reviews were terrible for Charlie Sheen’s first two “Torpedo of Truth,” shows, with many people simply walking out.  But maybe fans who bought tickets should have figured this – after all, a torpedo really is a kind of bomb.

From Bill Littlejohn:  “Well,  Jalen Rose, who had already been called on the carpet for his rants against Duke, has been pulled from ESPN after a DUI arrest.  Looks like Rose has gone from the ‘Fab Five’ to ‘Two and a half men.'”


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Rats.

February 16, 2011

Larry, the newest member of the British Government.

Apparently British Prime Minister David Cameron has yielded to his children’s pleas, along with requests from his staff who have seen several large rats,  and adopted a “predatory” cat whose job it will be to rid his office of vermin.

President Obama just wishes there was a cat who had the the same potential with lobbyists.

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Donald Trump is burnishing his Conservative credentials in preparation for a possible 2012 run for the Presidency. Which include stating that he is against gay-marriage. Instead “The Donald” believes that marriage should be a sacred union between a man and a series of progressively younger women.

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Donald Trump said that New York Mets owner Fred Wilpon wants him to buy part of the club but he declined. So let’s see, Trump is arrogant enough to think he can run for President and fix the United States, but not so arrogant as to think he can fix the Mets?.

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After months of posturing from both sides Roger Goodell now says labor talks must accelerate to avert a strike. Sounds like the NFL is taking the same advance planning approach to a potential shutdown as the Cowboys did with those extra Super Bowl seats.

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The St. Louis Cardinals have reportedly offered Albert Pujols $200 million for eight years, but Pujols may turn it down because it isn’t as high per year as A-Rod’s 10 year $275 million contract. So can someone explain to me exactly what you can buy with $275 million that you can’t buy with $200 million?

(Responded my friend, Jerry Perisho – “Kate Hudson.”  Although I think A-Rod only rented her.)

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A recent survery of likely GOP primary voters in 2012 saids that 51% of them think President Obama wasn’t born in the U.S. 28 % think he was born here, 21 % aren’t sure. Maybe it’s time to change the song “God Bless America,” to “God Help America.”

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Probable 2012 Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said Monday that for him the issue of abortion “transcends” all other pressing concerns facing the country.

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While good people can disagree on choice, its amazing how many of those who believe banning abortion is the MOST important issue are financially secure men with healthcare and jobs.

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Losing records.

September 22, 2010

Joe Torre apologized today for remarks indicating he might be interested in going back to New York :”It certainly wasn’t my intention of doing that and making people believe that I wanted to manage the Mets.”

Well, makes sense, if for no other reason than Torre doesn’t want other potential employers to question his sanity.

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New York manager Jerry Manuel had been upset about Joe Torre’s comment that he was “curious” about the Mets job, saying “I find it also curious when someone comments about a job that someone already has.”

Yeah, but considering that New York has the fifth highest payroll at $132 million and is in fourth place in their division, there is some question as to whether the someone who has the job is actually doing it.

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Houston Texans LT Duane Brown became the latest NFL player suspended for Performance Enhancing Drugs. And of course, he blamed a tainted supplement. At least Paris Hilton was original enough to come up with the gum excuse.

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After the 49ers loss to the New Orleans Saints by a last second field goal, many in the San Francisco media are loving to talk about the “moral victory.”

“Moral victory?” Who do they think Northern Californians are, Cubs fans?

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Meanwhile, Giants 1, Cubs 0. Just another offensive explosion for San Francisco.

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The Cubs, btw, have a $146 million payroll, and as of today 68 wins, which means they are about to come in at about $2 million a win. Making them just about the team equivalent to Barry Zito.

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A man was arrested allegedly for trying to plant a bomb near Wrigley Field. I suppose it’s some comfort to know at least that he wasn’t targeting the World Series.

(Or as Alex Kaseberg added, “I thought the Cubs were the biggest bomb at Wrigley Field.)

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There are rumors Facebook may come out with a cellphone. If so, it might be the first smartphone without a voice app.
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Apparently Cher is leaving Las Vegas next February and Celine Dion is returning to take her place. Wait, didn’t the U.S. sign a mutual non-aggression pact with Canada?

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Lisa Murowski, who lost the Republican Primary as a sitting senator, has the following line in a television ad about her write-in candidacy:

“Alaskans have spoken, they cannot accept the extreme views of Joe Miller nor the inexperience of (Democrat) Scott McAdams.”

(Well actually, based on the votes in the primary, Senator Murkowski, Alaskans have spoken, and they don’t want you.)

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A joint joke with my funny friend Jerry Perisho,

NFL star Reggie Bush broke his leg during Monday night’s game. Out of habit, he sent his copy of the x-rays back to the doctor.

Bush also said the crutches were not an admission that the leg was broken.
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Further regarding Bush’s statement about returning the Heisman not being an admission of guilt: Right, and Larry Craig’s pleading guilty was not an admission he was gay.

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Nevada Senate candidate Sharron Angle suggested on Monday that she’d prefer free-market remedies to a legislative mandate that insurance companies be required to cover people with pre-existing condition. Uh, haven’t we been trying “free-market remedies” up until this point. Didn’t appear they were working.

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Onamatopoeia and beyond.

August 15, 2010

Onomatopoeia – words that sound like what they mean. Add to the list – the movie “Expendables.”

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Toby Gerhart was rusty from having skipped spring practice to finish classes and graduate from Stanford. But he had 24 yards in eight carries in his first pre-season game against the St. Louis Rams. Pretty respectable, but now we’ll have to see how Gerhart does against real professional opposition.

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The Mets’ Francisco Rodriguez apologized to his teammates and fans on Saturday for his arrest resulting from the fight he had at Citi Field with his father-in-law. Now New York fans are just waiting for manager Jerry Manuel and GM Omar Minaya to apologize for the Mets

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Television ratings are plummeting for the PGA tour this year. Who knew that in terms of viewers, the only difference between Major League Soccer and professional golf might turn out to have been Tiger Woods?
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JaMarcus Russell may not be an Oakland Raider anymore, but he still is dealing with issues from his arrest for using codeine syrup? Codeine syrup? As in Cheracol? What my mother used to give us for colds? The guy can’t even do drugs at a major league level.

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A recent study in Australia discovered that patients more often preferred boring pills over antioxidant-rich dark chocolate to help control their blood pressure. Hmm, maybe they should try the survey again and actually include some women?

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While the SF Giants beat the San Diego Padres 3-2 in 11 innings Sunday, the team is still doing a horrible job of hitting with men on base. In fact, the Giants are stranding so these days that the theme song at A T and T park may have to be switched to “Gilligan’s Island…” (“A three-hour tour….”)

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The Miss University pageant this year had an official photo shoot in Las Vegas, where several of the contestants posed topless and in body paint.

While the pageant has received some criticism for the photos being too racy, most men polled said they would reserve judgment until they had further examined the evidence.

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This week, Venice got their first licensed female gondolier in the city’s history. Georgia Boscolo, 24, will also soon become the first gondolier to get lost and actually ask for directions.

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Meg Whitman has now spent $104 million of her own money to try to become Governor of California. The saddest thing, all kidding aside, is that with that kind of $$ you could buy real change, scholarships for needy students, childcare for working mothers, even startup money for young entrepreneurs….instead of being another failed wannabe politician.

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Base-brawls etc.

August 13, 2010

Cincinnati Reds pitcher Johnny Cueto has been suspended seven games for his part in a brawl with the St Louis Cardinals that resulted in at least one injury. No word on if Cueto will be disciplined further by the Reds but apparently he has received at least a tentative offer from the Bengals.

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After an altercation with his father-in-law, Mets closer K-Rod was arrested and charged with criminal assault. After blowing a 9-2 lead in the eighth against the Phillies and losing 10-9, however, wonder if the Dodgers bullpen will be arrested and charged with criminal negligence?-

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On a brighter note for New Yorkers, there’s now a Pop Tarts store in Times Square. For all those folks who would normally go to the Hershey’s store but are on a health kick.

Wonder how they came up with New York for the store. Guess they figured locals have always been looking for some kind of food they could actually toast and eat out of hand for breakfast?

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Okay, some either fascinating or useless baseball trivia, not that those are mutually exclusive. Whether or not they make the playoffs, the Giants lead the majors in Golden Spike award winners (top amateur player in the country.) Buster Posey – 2008, Tim Lincecum -2006, Pat Burrell -1998.

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Another weird baseball item. Today in San Francisco at the Giants-Cubs game, it was a 7-7 game in the bottom of the ninth with the bases loaded, and Andres Torres hits a ball that bounces over the fence. Giants won 8-7. Shouldn’t a ground-rule double make the final score 9-7? (A home run would have made the score 11-7.)

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The U.S. Womens gymnastics team finally received their Olympic bronze medals, ten years after the fact, because the Chinese team was found to be underage. Meanwhile, the young women from that Chinese team have hopes of winning this year’s All-Asia High School Championship.

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The latest craziness in the citizenship wars is the rumor that women are coming here to the U.S. to have “terror babies. All these cute little U.S. citizen babies who will grow up to become terrorists? Doesn’t that at least temporarily describe most American teenagers?.

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Senator John McCain said today that Snookie was “too good-looking to go to jail.” Said former Governor Rod Blagojevich, “hey, that’s MY excuse.”

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Maxine Waters’ grandson has apparently been working as her chief of staff. Many Republicans have been condeming her for nepotism, but not for some reason, our most recent ex-president.

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In California, it looks like both Carly Fiorina and Meg Whitman have finally come out against repealing the 14th amendment. While we’re on the subject of amendments, however, many voters would feel more better about both women had they actually been taking advantage of the 19th.

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Reality, what reality?

August 11, 2010

Let’s get the really tacky one out of the way.. Anyone with delicate sensibilities please skip the first one (although in that case, what are you doing reading this blog anyway?)

Phil Mickelson says he’s being treated for arthritis. Guess he and Tiger both have had problems this year spending too much time being stiff.

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New USC coach Lane Kiffin has apparently suspended one of the top stars on his team, freshman running back Dillon Baxter, for the team’s season opener against Hawaii on Sept. 2. Well, that ought to get the spread down under 50.

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Mets closer Francisco Rodriguez will apparently be charged with assault after a postgame fight which resulted in his father-in-law being taken to the hospital with minor injuries. Unfortunate, but New York fans knew it had to be a pitcher in that situation…Mets batters couldn’t hit anyone.

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From Marc Ragovin, “I’m not saying Mets manager Jerry Manuel — who is likely to be fired at season’s end — is planning to go out with a bang, but word is he spent all day yesterday playing with his grandkids’ water slide.”

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The jurors in the Rod Blagojevich trial might be deadlocked. You know what that means….the former Illinois governor could wind up doing less time than Lindsay Lohan.

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A contractor hired to paint the word “school” on the road near a High School in North Carolina made it a “shcool” zone. Well, I guess that answers that question – “Whatever happened to Dan Quayle?”

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California Senate candidate and former HP CEO Carly Fiorina says that U.S. corporations are better at creating jobs without government intervention. Yeah, but based on her tenure at HP, they are better at creating them in India and China.

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Chris Bosh said he was surprised by the negative reaction to LeBron’s primetime special. “I didn’t really see it coming.” Are you kidding Chris? Even Stevie Wonder could have seen that coming.

Reality show “stars” Michele and Jim Bob Duggars, whose 19th child was born three months premature and almost died, have said they would like a 20th child. “Are you nuts?” commented the Octomom.

(But really, 20? Are they trying to complete a family or win at blackjack?)

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A man has been sentenced to six months in jail for fondling a maternity nurse who was wheeling the man’s pregnant girlfriend to the delivery room. That Levi Johnston sure keeps busy.

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Qantas Airways of Australia posted a 4.3 percent drop (from 117 million down to $AU 112 million), in their annual profit for the year ending in June 2010, Said U.S. airlines… what’s an annual profit?

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Vacations, probations, etc…

August 9, 2010

The First Lady is taking some heat for this trip to Spain with Sasha. But hey, her daughter is probably taking Spanish in school and Michelle wanted to take her somewhere where they speak the language.

Of course, the GOP would argue in that case it would have been cheaper just to go to Los Angeles.

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All these Republicans complaining about the first lady’s European vacation…. I guess they feel the Obamas should act like a real American family and buy a multimillion dollar Texas ranch or Maine compound for their summer vacations.
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This week a California company recalled over one million pounds of ground beef. Worried savvy consumers are flocking to Jack in the Box – it’s one place they can be assured there is no beef in those hamburgers.

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The University of Tennessee is under investigation from the Lane Kiffin days for allegedly hiring attractive women to serve as hostess for recruits. Regarding these hostesses, there are pictures of them with players and recruits that have been widely circulated, yet, Kiffin says after practice at USC “that the investigation won’t find any wrongdoing.”

Yep, I can see why the Trojans thought he was a worthy successor to Pete Carroll.

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-from reader T.C.

Plaxico Burress has applied for a work release from prison. No word on whether he plans on working for the Cincinnati Bengals or the Washington Wizards.

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In the CFL (Canadian Football League) the Toronto Argonauts, with a history of being doormats, are actually 4 and 2. Which means maybe there’s hope for the NFL Detroit Lions? Okay, let’s not get carried away.

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In the Little League World Series, not only will they be using instant reply, the managers will be allowed to challenge calls on force outs, tags, missed bases and hit batsmen. Well, it’s good to see baseball deciding to get the important games right.

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The Chicago Cubs are coming to play the San Francisco Giants this week. Now, okay, I understand if you were born in Chicago and became a Cubs fan. But I have met many fans over the years from all over the U.S. who just adopted the Cubs as their team.

Why not just wear a t-shirt saying “I am a masochist.”

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The New York Mets added a couple Triple-A players to their roster on Saturday, and released Alex Cora. But really, the way New York is playing, can we really refer to it as a call up from the minors? Seems more like a lateral move to me.

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Bristol Palin said that the reason she ended her second engagement to Levi Johnston is that Levi was “obsessed with the limelight.” Added her mother Sarah, “Yeah, thats MY job.”

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President Obama played basketball today with some current and former NBA stars in an exhibition game in Washington to entertain wounded troops. Apparently Obama had thought of giving them tickets to Washington Wizards games, but then decided that the troops had suffered enough.

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Fear of failure?

August 8, 2010

Jerry Rice said at his Hall of Fame induction ceremony that “the fear of failure is the engine that has driven me throughout my entire life.” Because he just couldn’t live with the thought of being labeled a failure.

Well at least that we know that fear doesn’t affect anyone on the Cubs.

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Most recently it was Kate Hudson, now it’s Cameron Diaz dating Alex Rodriguez. Considering what a shallow, self-centered egotist A-Rod seems to be, how bad must male actors be to make him look like good relationship material by comparison?

(Wait, don’t answer that.)

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You think you had a bad day -how about this pitching line Friday night from losing Mets pitcher Bobby Parnell, who came in in the eighth with a 2-1 lead. 0 innings pitched, 4 hits, 4 runs, 4 earned runs. Yikes.

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One day after the above Mets debacle, where New York ended up giving in 6 runs in the eighth, Johan Santana pitched into the eighth, and Mets manager Jerry Manuel went immediately to closer Francisco Rodriguez. The Mets won 1-0.

So for at least a day, filming was put off on “CSI- New York Bullpen.”

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As Marc Ragovin said, “how dire are things getting for the Mets? Their games may soon be broadcast on the Emergency Broadcast Network.”

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Despite a dismal past tenure, ranging from poor draft picks, to an $11 million dollar sexual harrassment settlement, to a horrible record as a coach, the New York Knicks have rehired Isiah Thomas as a consultant.

Who gets rehired with that kind of record? Re-elected, maybe.

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The University of Tennessee’s football program is has now joined the list of those being investigated for major violations, mostly for incidents that happened under Lane Kiffin. Kiffin, now at USC, may set a record for coaching at the most schools put on probation before leading anyone to a bowl game.

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At the University of Kentucky, rumors are swirling that star basketball recruit Anthony Davis was paid $200,000 to commit to the Wildcats. UK denies the allegations. And since their coach, John Calipari, only had his last two teams (Memphis and U Mass) have to forfeit their wins on his watch, who could doubt them?

Actually to be fair, $200,000 does sound like an unbelievable amount. For that much money Davis probably would have gone to USC.

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Lebron James finally got around to thanking fans in Cleveland, a full month after “The Decision.” With that kind of disaster management, when he retires Lebron will surely have a job waiting for him at FEMA.
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CEO Carly Fiorina, Chairwoman Patricia Dunn, CEO Mark Hurd…. So when did HP turn into BP?

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Fed up with Franken’s facial gestures and eye-rolling, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell told Al Franken “this isn’t Saturday Night Live, Al.” Of course not, some of the stuff senators say with a straight face is far funnier.

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Regarding Michelle Obama’s vacation, and the criticism she is facing from some conservatives. If she had said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Spain but decided that this year I stay close to home with Sasha because of the economy,” no doubt some would have condemned her for pessimism and putting a damper on the recovering travel industry.

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No crime or misdemeanor?

July 30, 2010

The Portland Police decided not to file charges against Al Gore in the alleged 2006 sexual assault case. They cited deficiencies in the masseuse’s story, lack of forensic evidence, and the near impossibility of getting a 12 person jury to imagine Gore as a “crazed sex poodle.”

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Tom Brady says he would like to pay another 10 years, until he’s 43. “Quitting so young? scoffed Brett Favre.

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With Tim Tebow’s new deal with Jockey as an underwear model, maybe we’ll finally get an answer to that age old question.. .WWJW? As in “What would Jesus wear?” (Boxers or briefs?)

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Where is Saturday Night Live when you need them? As in the ESPN spoof I want to see… Alex Rodriguez is still stuck on 599 home runs, and Generalissmo Francisco Franco is still dead.

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After 10 plastic surgery operations, Heidi Montag has filed for divorce from Spencer Pratt. Her alleged reason? He doesn’t appreciate “the real me.”

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Washington manager Jim Riggleman says he will employ a “closer by committee” strategy after the team traded Matt Capps for prospects. This is a relatively new concept for the Nationals — having games to close.

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A snarky but funny comments from Gary Morton regarding my post about the Bristol Palin-Levi Johnston saga, where Levi’s ex-girlfriend may be pregnant with his child, but she doesn’t know which of three guys it is…. “What, she couldn’t read the names on the back of their jerseys (as they sprinted from her trailer)?

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Sarah Palin criticized President Obama for going on “The View.” I guess she feels like he should spend his time on more important things, like taking his family camping with Kate Gosselin.

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Bill Clinton today, in talking about Chelsea’s wedding and her potential dress, said he doesn’t remember what Hillary wore during their wedding. Makes sense, he hasn’t remembered his vows either.
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On “The View,” President Obama admitted he didn’t know who “Snooki” was. That’s okay, on “Jersey Shore” Snooki admitted she didn’t know who President Obama was.

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Two men were arrested at Citi Field during the Mets-Diamondbacks game after they jumped onto the field carrying Mexican flags to protest of Arizona’s immigration law. Fans were actually rather supportive of their efforts. In fact, a majority felt that we should leave Mexican workers alone, and just deport the Mets.

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BP – Beyond Prevarication.

May 29, 2010

A BP executive now claims “we are doing everything we can to stop the damn leak.” Yeah, that’s what many Americans are afraid of.

(Damn shame they didn’t do everything they could to PREVENT the damn leak.)

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If the language BP sounds familiar…remember this dialogue? (verbatim)

“We’re running out of time.”
“Surely there must be something you can do.
“I’m doing everything I can… and stop calling me Shirley.”

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But President Obama is getting serious with his threats to get BP to get the spill contained. If things don’t happen soon he’s going to invite all their executives to a special dinner at the White House featuring Gulf oysters.

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Apparently President Obama’s Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan is a big Mets fan. This is actually quite a good thing. It means there will be no distractions keeping her from devoting her full attention to the agenda when the court convenes again in October.

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The NCAA has charged U Conn’s basketball program under Jim Calhoun with eight major rules violations regarding recruiting. But any future sanctions would probably involve recruiting restrictions and loss of scholarships, not a ban on postseason play or forfeiting past championships. In other words, the NCAA might slap their hands really really hard.

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Florida International’s Garrett Wittels now has a 52-game hitting streak. Amazing, at least one hit in every game for over two months. And the San Francisco Giants stated “Big deal, we have done that.”
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This story comes from the “Inside Scoop” restaurant column of the San Francisco Chronicle. But it’s too good not to share.

Celebrity chef Michael Mina has his signature restaurant, literally named “Michael Mina,” in the Westin St Francis. The formal, and expensive, restaurant also has a nice bar attached, where Giants pitcher Barry Zito was recently enjoying a drink.

Then a long-haired, scruffily-dressed young man basically sauntered into the place and made his way straight for Barry. At which point a restaurant manager intercepted him and said “I’m sorry, please don’t bother Mr. Zito, no autographs tonight.”

The young man was Tim Lincecum.

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Meg Whitman stated that she has not shown any border fences in her ads. Although in fact, she has. Now, women are familiar with the concept of forgetting things when we have bought too much. But for most of us it’s shoes or clothes, not million dollar television commercials.

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From my funny friend Alex Kaseberg : New York Knicks forward Wilson Chandler was in possession of a bag of marijuana when cops stopped his car in New York. Chandler explained he has a chronic problem that requires medical marijuana; he plays for the Knicks.

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The BCS, college football and other jokes.

December 29, 2009

UCLA came from behind to defeat Temple, after USC beat Boston College. Thereby changing the PAC 10 from “Putrid Around Christmastime” to “Perfect After Christmas.”

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In a recent poll, 63 percent of Americans said they wanted to institute a college football playoff system and do away with the BCS.

Amazing, didn’t realize 37 percent of Americans were SEC fans.

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Most Americans, however, did not want Congress to get involved in a college football playoff system. Probably because it would end up taking six months and costing half a trillion dollars.

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Could Janet Napolitano have sounded any sillier bragging about how “the system worked?” About the only thing missing was “TSA, you’re doing a helluva job?”

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A personal aside to the would-be bomber story, as a Caucasian woman , I get patted down just about every time I travel in my favorite long skirt… and a Nigerian guy on the “watch list” doesn’t get touched?

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The NY Giants played their last game in their own stadium, which will be torn down after the season. After their embarassing loss, many fans suggested it be torn down with the team in it.

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Jason Bay will apparently turn down many other high-paying suitors to sign with the New York Mets. Of course, the Mets offered an extra inducment beyond money – Octobers off.

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Staggering into the weekend,

September 19, 2009

After a North Carolina resident had been having health problems for two years, doctors discovered and removed a plastic spoon with a Wendy’s logo from his lung.

The man is recovering. But from the restaurant chain’s perspective, if someone can’t tell your food from plastic, maybe you should rethink your recipes.

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With Donovan McNabb injured, and Michael Vick unavailable until week three, the Philadelphia Eagles will be choosing between Kevin Kolb, who has never started a game, and recently signed Jeff Garcia at quarterback.

No word on what Vick responded when asked for his opinion as to who should start. But I think it’s safe to assume it wasn’t “I don’t have a dog in this fight.”

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A New York plumber streaked during a Mets game in May, wearing only a stuffed monkey tied around his waist. He pled guilty and this week was fined $3,000 in penalties, given 20 days of community service and banned from Citi Field for life. Just imagine the penalties if he hadn’t gotten that monkey off his back.

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Although given the way the Mets are playing a harsher punishment might have been requiring him to attend all next year’s home games.

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The University of Minnesota is instituting a new policy: Student season-ticket holders who get kicked out of the football stadium games for drunk and rowdy behavior, will have to pass a breath test each time they want to attend future games.

In Detroit, they are hoping this doesn’t catch on – It could be construed as cruel and unusual punishment to have to watch Lions games sober.

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Cleveland Cavaliers guard Delonte West was arrested after officers pulled him over for speeding on a motorcycle in Maryland while carrying two handguns and a shotgun in a guitar case.

Three guns on a motorbike the freeway? Maybe he was working on his outside shot?

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True “great moments in heckling” story as told by Craig Coombs,

With the A’s leading the Indians 5-2 in the 8th, there were only a few thousand fans left in Oakland’s stadium Thursday night. The place was pretty quiet.

The home plate umpire, however, made two bad pitch calls in a row when the A’s were batting.

There were a few scattered boos, then a woman with a loud, gravely voice, yelled out:

“Hey, Blue! Does your wife know you’re screwing us?”

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Giants hitting and other disasters.

August 29, 2009

Bill Gates says he and a team of scientists will patent a technology to stop hurricanes. I guess he thinks this is easier than first developing a technology to stop Windows from crashing?

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Why Tim Lincecum should, but probably won’t, win the Cy Young. A league leading 222 strikeouts, a 2.33 ERA, and a 13-4 record. All without the benefit of pitching against the Giants

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The Chicago Cubs have been struggling recently. Fortunately there is at least a temporary cure. It’s called “playing the New York Mets.”
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After Brett Favre signed, Minnesota players were asked about a potential “schism” on the team. Some said yes, others no, but the majority responded “Don’t know him, did we sign a new European placekicker too?”

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As Michael Crabtree continues his sulky contract holdout with the San Francisco 49ers, maybe it’s time to give the young man a nickname that reflects the contribution he may SOMEDAY make on an NFL field – “Michael Crabgrass.”

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The blame game…

August 27, 2009

Louisville coach Rick Pitino says a sex scandal involving a woman accused of trying to extort him has been “pure hell” for his family and that he’s had enough. Well, if he had had “enough” he wouldn’t have “had” to end up on that table…

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Ever notice how the guys who most say it’s about their family, didn’t care enough about their family to avoid getting in trouble in the first place?
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Johan Santana will undergo season-ending elbow surgery, but insists he would have continued pitching had the Mets been in contention. Which means he could have had the surgery in May.

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The Phillies’ Ryan Madson, filling in for closer Brad Lidge, blew his fifth save in nine save situations. Lidge himself has blown nine save situations in 2009. In nearby Washington, D.C. they are still scratching their heads. “What’s a save situation?”

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In the Canadian Football League, the Montreal Alouettes, at 7-1, with no other team better than 4-3, certainly look unbeatable. The Alouettes, however, have been in four of the last six Grey Cups (the Canadian Super Bowl.) And they have lost all four.

Does this mean if they crumble again in the championship it will be known as a Shark Tank?

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US Air says they are raising their fees to check bags by $5. No word on how much they will charge to actually have the bag show up at your destination.

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Another good thought from Alex Kaseberg.

In the HBO series “Hard Knocks” Cincinnati Bengals QB Carson Palmer humiliated his center, Kyle Cook, on camera, by complaining that his hand stunk after placing it under Cook’s butt for the snap. What kind of ignorant and arrogant primma donna insults a guy so responsible for his own protection? Where did Palmer go to college? USC? Oh, yeah.

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Heroes and goats.

August 26, 2009

This first great story submitted by reader Bill Williams, from the Winona, Wisconsin Daily News.

Apparently an repairman in an auto shop found a woman customer had tied up a goat in her trunk.

The goat was painted Minnesota Vikings purple and gold, with #4 shaved in its side. The repairman called animal rescue.

Winona officials are considering filing charges for animal abuse against the woman. No word if they consider the greater offence tying up the goat, or having him in purple and gold with Favre’s number.

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Johan Santana will have elbow surgery, which means his season is over. Only a couple months after that of the Mets.

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In a recent study, two-thirds of college students said their generation was more “self-promoting, narcissistic, overconfident and attention-seeking than others.” The other third said they were just naturally more outgoing and gifted.

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State regulators have launched an investigation of a Southern California day care center after two toddlers were found playing on railroad tracks near the facility.

An investigation? Really? What was their first clue?

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Argentina has joined Mexico and Columbia in decriminalizing small amounts of marijuana. Brazil and Ecuador are considering following suit.

Well, this certainly means there wouldn’t be any problem filling rosters on any potential new NBA South America.

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And one serious note, yes, I do write serious stuff once in a great while:

Rest In Peace Ted Kennedy. I cannot think of another politician who has so redeemed his image over the years. He became the kind of statesman politicians on both sides of the aisle should aspire to be.

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Soccer headline? (and more Sanford)

June 29, 2009

Headline after the U.S. Soccer Team lost a 2-0 lead and the game to Brazil?

Brazil waxes U.S. in second half?

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Of course, in the battle for South American bragging rights, Brazil says they took down the U.S. soccer team, Argentina says, big deal, we took down a U.S. Governor.

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In losing again to the Yankees on Sunday night, the Mets managed to walk Mariano Rivera – in his THIRD career at-bat- with the bases loaded. Walking a closer with the bases loaded? Might be the most embarassing move in sports not involving the Stanford band.

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Much has been made of the fact that beers at the new Citi Field are cheaper than beers at Yankee stadium. Though to be fair, at this point the Mets say its for medicinal reasons.

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So now we’ve had Senator Ensign confessing an affair with a campaign worker, and Governor Sanford confessing an affair with a television reporter. Conan O’Brien, David Letterman and Jimmy Fallon are thrilled. And Jay Leno is thinking, “hey, can the next idiot wait to be caught until September?”

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Dick Cheney still maintains waterboarding is not torture. He did, however, state after watching Governor Sanford’s apology that forcing prisoners to watch the speech in its entirety might be a violation of the Geneva convention.
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Al Sharpton said “Michael Jackson wasn’t a freak, he was a genius.”

Actually, Al, it wasn’t necessarily an either/or question.

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Frozen four

April 11, 2009

Boston University won this year’s Frozen Four.  For readers in the San
Francisco area, that’s the NCAA hockey tournament, not the last fans left at an extra innings game when the Giants played at Candlestick.

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The Cleveland Indians are off to an 0-5 start.  On the bright side, some of their game footage might be used for a remake of the movie Major League.

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According to the New York Times,  the new Yankees and Mets stadiums were partially built by companies that New York City  has blacklisted due to allegations of corruption and  ties to organized crime.   Hmm, maybe there was more than a Red Sox jersey buried in that cement at Yankee Stadium.

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Apparently one of the best baseball  hitting coaches in the world  – counting Tony Gwynn amongst his former pupils,  is Mark Wetzel, who has been legally blind due to macular degeneration. 

An AP interviewer wondered why a virtually blind man would choose to teach hitting?

Well, maybe there were no openings at umpiring schools?

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Idol mistakes.

April 8, 2009

For the second time this season, American Idol ran so long in their live show that they went past their scheduled finish. Thus viewers who recorded the episode missed the best part.

Who’s their technical  consultant?  Joe Biden?

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A major character on Fox’s “House” left the television series to take a position with the Obama administration because he couldn’t do both jobs at the same time.

Shame  Fox’s “24” never thought of offering an acting job to Dick Cheney.

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The show is down to their final seven contestants.  Will be interesting to see if they get down to one before American car companies.

 

A thought while watching Opening Night at A T and T Park, the SF Giants vs. the Milwaukee Brewers:

The television announcers said “If you are looking for the Timberwolves-Warriors NBA  game, it’s on alternate channel …”

The Timberwolves are 23-55, the Warriors are 28-49.

The question is  “Why?”

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Or rather, what they should have said “If you’re looking for the Timberwolves-Warriors game”  maybe it’s time to get a life.

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Some folks say we don’t have enough good news these days.  Well, how about this… The President of the United States just got back from a trip to Europe,  and he didn’t embarrass the country once.

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On the other hand,  President Obama is returning from Europe to face the hard realities of some campaign promises at home.  As in, it’s April.  Where is the puppy?

 

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Bernie Madoff’s Mets season tickets will be auctioned online after his arrest for running a Ponzi scheme.

A Ponzi scheme is when investors pay money with no real chance of return…sort of like buying season tickets for the Mets  for the rights to buy tickets for any potential playoff games.

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