Left Coast Sports Babe

Both of these items from this post are true. From an unnamed midwestern state. Names changed in the second to protect…well, maybe this girl from her parents.

Item one. A package of peanuts in the shell from “Sweet Nut-things” Gift Shoppe. Ingredients list: Peanuts, salt.

But in a box on the label “Allergy information: This product was handled/manufactured in a facility that processes peanuts and other tree nuts.”

No kidding.

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The second is a bit sad. Let’s call the girl Susie Q. This is a 1/12 page ad in a metropolitan newspaper. NOTHING below has been exaggerated, only a few lines, mostly of identifying details, have been left out.

The headline “Local Young Lady Competes for the Miss Jr. Pre-Teen Midwest City.”

The ad.

“Hi, my name is Susie Q. I am eight years old. I will be in 4th grade, I enjoy learning and playing with exotic birds with My Grandma. I am very creative and opinionated with ideas. I have participated as a cheerleader and took 2nd place at nationals. My role model is Gabriella Montez AKA Vanessa Hudgens of High School Musical. I would like to thank you in advance for your time and support.

I was recently selected to participate in Nationals’ 2009 Miss Jr. Pre-Teen Midwest City pageant.”

Then the ad abruptly switches to third person.

“Susie Q learned of her acceptance as Nationals Inc announced their selections on Monday. Susie Q will be competing for her share of thousands of dollars in prizes and specialty gifts. Susie will be competing in the Miss Jr. Pre-Teen division, which will have young ladies competing in modeling routings which include casual wear and formal wear. Most important, Susie will display her personality and interviewing skills.

If Susie were to win the title, she would represent the city and surrounding communities at the Cities of America National Competition in Orlando, Florida. Over $60,000 in prizes and awards will be presented while each winner enjoys this expense paid trip of five nights and six days.

There is no cost to Susie Q for participating. Community business, organizations, and private individuals will assist Susie in participatng by becoming an official sponsor to her. Through sponsorship, each contestant receives all the necessary training, rehearsals, and financial support which will allow Susie to become a very confident and well-prepared contestant in this years city pageant.

Any business, organization, or private individual who may be interested in becoming a sponser may contact Susie Q’s pageant coordinator at 1-800-xxx-xxxx.

Thank you again for your suppprt. Susie Q.”

There is also a picture of a girl with her hair piled on her head in an up-do, holding a rose.

I actually grew up a big Miss America fan, and more power to women if they can use them for scholarships etc. Susie Q is EIGHT YEARS OLD.

So on the Bachelorette finale, Jillian chose Ed, the guy who says he’s been married to his job. Let’s hope if they do tie the knot, that in 10 years he doesn’t tell her he’s hiking the Appalachian trail, when he’s really sneaking off to work.

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And since women readers are more likely to have read the first item. Okay, two more cents on the Gates-Crowley incident. Did race play a part? Possibly. Did gender play a bigger part, Probably. Sure looks like from the outside like a clear-cut case of testosterone poisoning.

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For guys who are saying, no way. Okay, just imagine EITHER participant was a woman. Same ending? I think not. Maybe at most a sexual harrassment lawsuit later. Or if both were women, maybe a catfight for the ages on Youtube.

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Family Guy apparently had to pull a completed episode from airing because Fox found the abortion subject matter too controversial. Yeah, I guess it could offend Family Guy viewers with delicate sensibilities. Both of them.

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The Rose Bowl will now be open to more teams under a new BCS ruling, including teams from non-major conferences. Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delany calls it “lightened standards” to accommodate the BCS. Right. As opposed to the lightened academic standards for USC.

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On Monday, San Francisco traded a minor league pitcher for Ryan Garko. SI.com referred to the Giants as “light-hitting.” Isn’t that like referring to Joe Biden as light-reticent?

Or Paris Hilton as light-skanky?

Terrell Owens wants Michael Vick to be reinstated by the NFL immediately, and suggested that any thought of extending the quarterback’s suspension would be similar to “kicking a dead horse.”

At least he didnt say kicking a “dead dog.”

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T.O. thinks banishment should be reserved for really serious crimes. Like not passing him the ball.

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Monday night is the season finale of Bachelorette. Which means millions of women will be tuned in to the televison set, and millions of men will be saying to their bosses, “So really, isn’t there some reason you want me to work late tonight?

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Apparently former President George W. Bush once seriously considered sending troops into Buffalo. I guess someone told him about all the oil in those Buffalo Hot Wings.

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Today marks exactly three years from the start of the London Olympics. And three years and 10-12 hours until NBC tape delays the broadcast.

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And in three days, Brett Favre will announce whether or not he will play football in 2009. In four days, he will announce he felt pressured to make a decision.
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Shaquille O’Neal will apparently star in his own reality show competing against athletes from different sports. Forget other sports…I’d just like to see him compete against Rick Barry.

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Today, Sarah Palin stepped down as Governor of Alaska, but insisted she will take her talents to a larger stage. I think I speak for all aspiring comedy writers everywhere when I say “Thank Heaven

Sarah Palin on a larger stage?! In other words, Tina Fey’s 401k plan.

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In the first ever Notre Dame Japan Bowl, played in the Tokyo Done, the Notre Dame Legends, a group of football alumni dating back to the 1970s, beat Team Japan 19-3.

Leaving aside all the jokes about the Fighting Irish finally finding a bowl they can win, the Japan team has asked for an easier opponent next year, like the Detroit Lions.

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Barry Bonds still insists he did not use steroids, despite witnesses saying he was given them.. But maybe Bonds has a point. Being given something doesn’t necessarily mean using it. All the SF Giants hitters this year, for instance, were given a supply of bats.

Americans are evenly split over whether Michael Vick should be allowed to return to professional football. 30 percent say yes, 30 percent say no, and 40 percent say he should be allowed to return but only if he plays for the Detroit Lions.

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The last surviving British World War I vet, Harry Patch, died at the age of 111. Apparently he had been heartbroken since that “nice young man” Tom Watson just missed winning the British Open.

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The New York Mets, solidly mired in fourth place in the NL East, don’t have a slogan for 2009. But they are considering “Thank God for the Nationals.”

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Brad Pitt said in an interview he doesn’t believe in God. Well, I can see that, I mean, considering his looks, his career, his two marriages, it’s understandable the guy would be bitter.

Of course, to be fair, the concept of God does include the idea that the afterlife will be better.

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In the nature vs. nature department, Comic Con has to be considered a point for the nuture side. Because if interpersonal skills are hereditary, how were all those attendees born in the first place?

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Latest potential reality show – Jon minus Kate – Inebri-8-ed.

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President Obama has been trying to cut the defense budget. Alas, he may need to increase our surveillance budget, now that Sarah Palin is retired and no longer keeping an eye on Russia from her house.

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An increasing number of luxury hotels have been entering foreclosure. Well, yeah, in these days between the economy and the media, many politicians have had to cut back on visits with their mistresses.

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The Mayor of Hoboken, New Jersey, was arrested on corruption charges for allegedly taking tens of thousands of dollars in bribes. He has only been in office three weeks. Or as they call that in Illinois, a fast learner.
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Within the last week we have lost both Gidget, the Taco Bell Chihuahua and Oscar Mayer. In their honor a moment of silence was observed by both college students and lipsuction doctors.

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Gidget lived to the age of 15, which is over 105 in human years. Making it a certainty that she was yet another celebrithy endorser who didn’t consume her product.

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Three New Jersey mayors were arrested in a corruption scheme. Rumor has it the judge may throw the book at them, requiring to serve as mayors in the state for life.

Lebron James revealed in a new book that he smoked marijuana in high school. As opposed to the most of the rest of the NBA, who probably smoked it last night?

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The San Francisco Giants are promoting an August 12 special event titled “Slumber Party on the Field.” But really, isn’t that what the Giants offense has been doing for the last month.

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Congrats to Mark Buehrle, who pitched the first perfect game in Major League Baseball this year. And apparently his outing was asterisk free – no hints of performance enhancing drugs, and he wasn’t pitching against the Nationals.

The latest celebrity to buy a minority ownership in the Miami Dolphins is Jennifer Lopez’s husband Marc Anthony. And hey, the man may not know much about quarterbacks, receivers and tackles. But he sure is an expert on ends.

John McCain apologized to Jackson Browne because portions of “Running on Empty” were used without permission in a 2008 campaign ad mocking Barack Obama. Browne accepted the apology, and said he wouldn’t have minded a more appropriate song match, like a Sarah Palin ad using “The Pretender.”

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Some pervert taped and released a video of ESPN’s Erin Andrews undressing in her hotel room. I do suppose we can all be glad he didn’t do the same thing to John Madden.

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Stewart Cink appeared on the Late Show with David Letterman. To be fair, Letterman also asked Tom Watson, but they couldn’t tape in time for him with make dinner with the “Early Bird Special.”

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Manny Ramirez just returned from his female fertility drug suspension and he is already listed as ‘day to day” after being hit in the hand by a pitch. X-rays were negative, but there are rumors Manny broke a nail.

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Manny Ramirez says he is happy to be back with the Dodgers after his female fertility druge ban and he is even willing to discuss a contract extension. As long as he and management can sit down and have a long talk about their relationship.

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For anyone who remembers the late, great Johnny Carson.

The moon landing was 40 years ago.

The Toronto Maple Leafs last won the Stanley Cup 42 years ago.

The Carnac question. “Name two incredible things we may never again see in our lifetime”

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Actually, 1969 was not only the year men landed on the moon, it was the year the Washington Nationals- at that time the Montreal Expos – got their start. When asked, President Obama said that he could at some point see returning to the moon, but that the Nationals were a lost cause.

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Paula Abdul may not be back on American Idol. Where is America going to find another dynamic, attractive, middle aged woman who loves appearing on televison and speaks regularly in complete gibberish? Wait, now we may know the real reason Sarah Palin quit Alaska.

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Carrie Prejean, the former Miss California, just signed a book contract. No word if it’s to write one or to read one.

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Manny Ramirez seems to be settling in nicely back into the Dodgers lineup. Okay, there was that one little skirmish in the clubhouse when Manny insisted they turn the channel to Bachelorette.
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So Tom Watson left the British Open without the Claret Jug trophy. Just as well, with that hip replacement did he really need one more problem going through airport security?

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When all those asterisks are someday totaled up in baseball’s record books, which will be more tainted – home runs hit in the steroid era, or home runs hit in the new Yankee Stadium?

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You know the new Yankee Stadium might be a problem when the umpire calls infield fly and the ball sails out for a grand slam.

Today’s entry being written from Las Vegas, which truly is the world’s people watching capital. And perhaps America’s last PC free zone.

The only place you see bikinis and high heels outside of a beauty pageant.

And where this rule from the fashion police is regularly broken. Your skirt size, in inches, should be a larger number than your dress size.
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Mandalay Bay Hotel and Casino has a branch of “Starlight Tattoo” in their shopping area. Okay, maybe we will never be able to tighten gun laws in this country. But it sure seems like in Vegas just MAYBE there should be a 24 hour waiting period for a tattoo.

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MGM Grand has a great lion habitat. The lions live in a hermetically sealed clear enclosure where they can see, but not smell or hear, humans watching outside. And the lions seem pretty happy.

For those who read Gourmet regularly, for all those great looking meals you can look at but will never eat, it’s kind of the same thing. Food porn for lions.
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One of many surprising sights in Vegas. A young man wearing a Clippers jersey. The only thing missing was his girlfriend with the shirt “I’m with stupid.”

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But really, a Clippers jersey in public? Even Cubs fans are saying “that’s pathetic.”

Will the headlines from the British Open read “Turnberry puts Tiger in the Tank?”

For CBS Sports, who will be televising the Open this weekend, this is a painful cut of Lenora Bobbitt proportions.

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It’s happened again, this time involving a former Republican Congressman Chip Pickering, whose wife is now suing his former mistress for “alienation of affection” resulting in their divorce. Pickering also lived in the same “Christian Fellowship” home on “C” street in D.C. with Senator Ensign and Governor Mark Sanford.

I’m beginning to think that “C” stands for Cad.

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(Although, suing the mistress? Who enticed poor Representative Pickering? I think Larry Craig might be a more sympathetic figure.)

Notre Dame will play Navy next year in the first football game in the new Yankee Stadium in 2010. Wonder how New York came up with the idea of inviting the Fighting Irish? They might just be the most over-hyped and over-exposed team in college football, despite their dismal recent postseason record…. Oh, never mind.

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Tina Fey received an Emmy nomination for her impersonation of Sarah Palin. But how did Palin herself not get an acting nomination for her portrayal of a viable vice-presidential candidate?
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For that matter, how did the Emmy’s overlook Mark Sanford for best performance in a comedy mini-series?

(Though to be fair, perhaps they are waiting to see if the show gets picked up for further episodes.)

Barack Obama has been criticized by fashionistas for the “mom jeans” he wore to the All-Star game. In his defense, the President said he had just bought a pair suggested by Manny Ramirez.
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Former VP Dick Cheney has been accused of running a secret CIA program that no one was aware of. In his defense, Cheney said the program was in full view as part of NBC’s primetime lineup.

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Jamie Moyer pitched 7 innings of one-hit ball against the Marlins Thursday night. It was Moyer’s best outing since he pitched in the deadball era.

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A woman in a Florida restroom was accidentally shot when someone in a nearby stall dropped her gun and it accidentally discharged. Does this mean Plaxico Burris was taking fertility drugs?

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The NRA immediately issued a statement after the incident saying, “Guns don’t shoot people, slippery bathroom floors shoot people.”

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