Tears of a clown?

Posted March 7, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Wonder which P.A. announcer will be the first to play that when the Miami Heat come to town.  (Some Heat players reportedly cried after their loss today to the Chicago Bulls.)

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Four losses in a row for the Miami Heat. Looks like as far as the NBA finals, Lebron might be taking his talents to the ESPN broadcast booth as an analyst.

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And the Heat may not dethrone the Lakers as the NBA champions.  But they have done a solid job of replacing Kobe and company as the most hated team in America.

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A recent Sport Illustrated study found that out of 2837 players on last year’s preseason top 25 college football teams, 204 had criminal records. Besides the obvious public relations issues, for the NFL, don’t all these arrests jeopardize these young men’s amateur status?

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One thing about all these conference championship games. :  Should you really be able to raise the banner next year when all your one-and-done stars aren’t around to see it?

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The new fantasy romance “Beauty” grossed over $10 million this weekend, with an audience that was 78 percent female.    Of the remaining 22 percent, wonder if even 78 total tickets were sold to straight men?

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Costco has started selling wedding dresses at a steep discount.   Presumably in multi-packs that are selling exceptionally well in Utah.

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And Larry King heard this and immediately emailed Costco management to say -“What took you so long?”

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Ah billionaires. At a sports conference someome asked new Warriors owner Joe Lacob a question about bloggers. To which he allegedly answered “They are not real fans, because they don’t have season tickets.” Surprised he didn’t add a criticism about the cake he assumes they are eating too.

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John McCain said Sunday that iPads and iPhones are “built in the United States of America.” And up in Alaska Sarah Palin reportedly chortled “Hah, this time I’m not the stupid one. But quick, someone tell me where they do build the darned things.”

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Best wishes (seriously) to Phil Collins, who is quitting the music business to focus on his health.

On a less serious note, countless music fans are sending their own wishes to Celine Dion, saying “Congratulations. Now don’t you want to enjoy some time off to take care of your twin babies?”

Comments: 2 Comments

Sports without borders:

Posted March 5, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

The Toronto Raptors were swept by the New Jersey Nets in London this weekend, – Which means the Raptors can now potentially lay claim to a new title – the worst NBA team in three countries AND two continents.

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On Saturday, The Texas Nationalist Movement marked Texas Independence Day with a rally at the Capitol urging Texans to secede from the United States. Finally, an idea that both Californians and Texans can agree upon.

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If Texas secedes, how long until New Mexico, Oklahoma,  Arkansas and Louisiana put up border fences?

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The San Antonio Spurs crushed the Heat last night 125-95. Maybe it’s time to start referring to Lebron and company as the Miami Not-So-Hot.

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Britney Spears is the latest to say now that she has “nothing to say” about her past. Wonder if she, Cam Newton and others have ever heard that line about “Those who cannot remember the past….?”

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Mitt Romney is now decrying Obamacare when the plan is very similar to what Romney himself did in Massachusetts. Well, at least this proves one thing – the Republican “Do as I say not as I do” mantra doesn’t just apply to morality and sex.

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In the does this really need a punchline department, this quote from Sarah Palin:

“See because our president is so inexperienced in the private sector and in government and in actually running anything and making any kind of budget that inexperience has really made manifest in some of the statements he makes.”

(a punchline, no, a translator, possibly.)

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We are now one week from NCAA  basketball’s “Selection Sunday.”    Translation, there are five productive working days left  in the month of March.

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Inspired by a comment from Augie:  There’s a new way to describe being hot and/or nervous this year.

“Sweating like Maksim Chmerkovskiy (Kristie Alley’s DWTS partner), waiting to find out if the week’s routine involves lifts.

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Post Friday follies.

Posted March 5, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized

Keith Richard’s 25 year old daughter, Theodora, was  arrested by New York  police for allegedly scrawling graffiti on the wall of a Catholic nunner.  Theodora also allegedly was in possession of marijuana and illegal painkillers.  Well, looks like the apple hasn’t staggered far from the tree.

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If the NFL and the players association keep extending their deadline maybe they can extend it all the way through next season?

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Who knew that all it might take to cure the Cavaliers would be playing the Lakers and the Knicks?

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There are rumors Barry Zito’s job is in jeopardy for the San Francisco Giants. As despite the $126 million the team is paying him, Zito couldn’t get that ONE big win last fall. Well, if the Giants release him rumor has it Barry’s been offered a job as the next campaign manager for Meg Whitman.

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Friday was is “National Grammar Day.” And Sarah Palin heard this and responded “Yeah, but let’s not forget Grammpa.”

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Mike Huckabee is now denying criticizing Natalie Portman, although he is on record as calling her pregnancy “troubling” and suggested it might “glorify and glamorize” the idea of having children outside of marriage. Apparently the Creationist not only doesn’t believe in science, he’s not too up on the concept of radio replay either.

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A $425 million NASA rocket fell into the ocean after liftoff this morning, and may not be recoverable. It was the fastest most expensive crash landing since Charlie Sheen’s.

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Friday was also the 150th anniversary of Abraham Lincoln’s first inaugural speech. While not his most famous, attendees reported the speech was excellent. In fact, it inspired a young John McCain to go into politics

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Conservatives seem endlessly focused on possible foreign influences on President Obama’s upbringing. But why don’t any of them want to discuss, that as far as influences ago, as a scholarship student at  the private Punahou School in Hawaii, a young Barack spent most of this time amongst the most privileged and upper-class young people in Hawaii.   

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Speaker of the House Speaker John Boehner said Friday the House may go to court to defend the federal law against gay marriage. Wait a minute, what happened to abortion being the most important issue facing this country? Or healthcare? Or heaven forbid, the economy?

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From Bill Littlejohn: “Shortly after coaching Lipan High school’s women’s basketball team to a regional semifinal victory last Friday, Amber Branson gave birth to daughter Leslie—-and about 15 hours later, she was back on the bench guiding the Lady Indians to another win.So, unlike the NFL and the Players Union, nice to know someone can overcome labor difficulties”

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Dancing around reality?

Posted March 4, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

 Mike Huckabee slammed Natalie Portman for her ‘troubling” pregnancy, saying “I think it gives a distorted image. It’s unfortunate that we glorify and glamorize the idea of out-of-wedlock children.” Apparently single mothers should avoid the Oscars and stay on “Dancing with the Stars” where they belong.

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And let’s be real here –  Would Huckabee have preferred Portman had an abortion? 

The  real crime apparently, was her decision to have sex.

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Just a thought: If BYU player Brandon Davies marries his pregnant girlfriend before March Madness, does he get reinstated for the tournament?

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The investigation into former U.S. Senator John Edwards’ affair with Rielle Hunter has apparently found voicemails that allegedly provide evidence of his involvement in the cover-up effort. Jeez. Some thought we might be getting another President Kennedy, now it looks like we also could have had another President Nixon.

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The Chicago Cubs may have set a record for the fastest clubhouse brawl, as two players got into it only four days after the start of Spring Training games. Even more surprising, Carlos Zambrano was not involved.

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More than 50,000 2009-10 model year Mazda 6 cars are being recalled to fix an unusual problem. Mazda says a spider could weave a web in a vent connected to the fuel tank system and thus clog up the tank’s ventilation. In related news, PETA is protesting Mazda’s destruction of spider habitats.

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Brandon Davies, suspended from the BYU basketball team, had signed the school’s honor code that required players to live “a chaste and virtuous life, be honest, abstain from alcoholic beverages, tobacco, tea and coffee.” So does BYU have honor code police stationed at Starbucks?

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Donald Trump is considering a run for President. But he may have a big problem right from the start: That furry thing that lives on his head was definitely not born in the USA.

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For the second time this year,  the Miami Heat have blown more than a 20 point lead at home,  losing tonight to the Orlando Magic 99-96.

“What a shame” said absolutely no one outside of South Florida.

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From T.C.  :

Detroit Tigers Miguel Cabrera officially got his first hit at spring training. It was a line shot double. Unofficially, his first shot here was actually a triple

Comments: 1 Comment

Herding cats.

Posted March 3, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

 Tea  Party founder Judson Phillips is already saying that the party should make it a goal to defeat Speaker of the House John Boehner in the Republican primary, because Boehner is “only” calling for $61 billion in spending cuts, instead of the promised $100 billion. 

And somewhere, Nancy Pelosi is reading this story and giggling.

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Actually, if Pelosi and Boehner end up agreeing on anything after their terms are up, it will be that after dealing with members of their own parties, herding cats will seem like a nice retirement option.

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BYU star sophomore Brandon Davies was suspended from the basketball team indefnitely for getting his girlfriend pregnant. Well, that should silence all the doubters who wondered if Davies was NBA ready.

(Although as a friend pointed out, had he just married the gal in high school, no one would care how many kids he had.)

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Yankees first baseman Mark Teixeira has ended his relationship with longtime agent Scott Boras. So Teixeira clearly feels there are more important things in life than money. No word on when Yankees management plans to schedule him for a mental health test.

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How bad is it getting for Charlie Sheen? A Los Angeles judge ordered late Tuesday that the actor’s twin nearly two-year old boys be removed from his Los Angeles home. Apparently the judge felt they needed to be with a more responsible adult, like Britney Spears.

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As the Republican party rushes headlong to the extreme right, it’s becoming increasing clear that even George Bush, Sr, couldn’t get the GOP presidential nomination these days… Scary.

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Not to say Dancing with the Stars was scraping the bottom of the barrel for this season – but some of these “Stars” almost make Bristol Palin look accomplished.

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 A bill passed in Texas would mean anyone who “intentionally, knowingly, or recklessly” hires an illegal immigrant could face up to 2 years in jail and a $10,000 fine. With one exception – anyone hiring for such an immigrant for  “labor or other work to be performed exclusively or primarily at a single-family residence.”

 Translation, y’all don’t expect us to mow our own lawns, clean our own homes or raise our own kids, do y’all?”

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From new commenter  P. Coberly

Toyota is claiming that 80% of their vehicles sold in the last 20 years are still on the road. Do you think that would be the case if their accelerators were not stuck?

Comments: 1 Comment

Chronic losers.

Posted March 2, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

The Cubs have announced a search is on for the next public address announcer at Wrigley Field. The job has all kinds of great benefits. Including, of course, having every October off.

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Some analysts say the NFL owners could survive up to a two-year lockout. But what about the fabric of American society? This could mean two years of fall Sundays where spouses would actually have to talk to each other.

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Troy Murphy goes to the Celtics, Carmelo is with the Knicks, Bibby is heading to the Heat. This might be a high, or low, point for the most front page sports stories about the rich getting richer. Well, at least without the Yankees being involved. 

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Elton John has disclosed that he and his partner did indeed receive an invitation to Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding.  Makes sense, what would a Royal Wedding be without England’s most famous queen?

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The Golden State Warrors’ slim NBA playoff hopes seem to be slipping away. On the other hand, they might be playing well enough to receive an N.I.T invitation.

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Celine Dion’s bodguard  Nikolaos Skokos, has been trying to get “Permanent resident” status in the U.S., based on his “superior” skills as a security consultant.   So far, the government has rejected his application.  But maybe we should make a deal, Skokos can stay, if he convinces his client to go back to Canada.

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Charlie Sheen said in an interview this week that “you can’t process me with a normal brain.” This might be the only time all year that “Charlie Sheen” and “normal” appear in the same sentence.

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The #3 ranked NCAA men’s basketball BYU Cougars dismissed star forward Brandon Davies from the team, citing a violation of the school’s honor code. This sort of thing doesn’t happen often for players at top 10 basketball schools; violating the honor code generally means actual classes are involved.

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The NBA Nets, now owned by a Russian, with 2 games planned in London, say they want to become “the face of the league” outside the U.S. “Our goal is to globalize our business, to project ourselves in a global fashion,” said Nets CEO Brett Yormark. So we’re about to find out -in how many languages can fans yell “You suck?”

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What is it with the GOP and geography? Mike Huckabee is questioning the President’s foreign policy because of his “having grown up in Kenya.” When asked, Huckabee’s PAC director Hogan Gidley said Mike had MEANT to reference Obama’s living in Indonesia from ages 5-10. Kenya, Indonesia, what’s the difference?

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Charlie Sheen is now on Twitter and amassed over 150,000 followers in two hours. Is this a sign of the apochalypse, or just that despite our busy lives, Americans still have WAY too much time on our hands?

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Actually, at this point isn’t “Charlie Sheen joke” redundant?

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U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. Susan Rice said that Qaddafi “sounds, just frankly, delusional,” and is “unfit to lead.” Insert Sarah Palin joke here.

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(and of course, no truth to the rumor that Qaddafi has been offered a starring role in “Two and a Half Men.”

From Nick Coombs:

Embattled Bangals QB Carson Palmer announced today that he has, “money in the bank” and would “play for the love of the game” as long as its elsewhere. Glad to hear he saved all the money he earned playing at USC.

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Comments: 3 Comments

Reality and unreality.

Posted March 1, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Kirstie Alley will be on this year’s Dancing with the Stars. Hope someone has alerted the USGS; if they do step dancing it could register on the Richter Scale.

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Okay, admittedly I watch “the Bachelor” as a guilty pleasure.  But with this South Africa episode, anyone else rooting for a little wild animal attack?

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Charlie Sheen’s publicist quit today. Makes sense, you don’t need a publicist to get a train wreck into the news.

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I’ll say one thing for Charlie Sheen. He seems to have bumped Lindsay Lohan off the front page.

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Iran is threatening to boycott the 2012 Olympics because they say the London 2012 logo resembles the word “Zion.” Really? With all due respect, the logo barely even resembles the numbers 2012.

Rick Perry, the Governor of Texas,  called “the most dangerous city in America” when speaking with reporters on Monday.

He was immediately defended by Sarah Palin , who said, well, give the guy a break, maybe he can’t see Juarez from his house.

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Congratulations to “the King’s Speech” for winning Best Picture. Wonder how many Academy voters in the U.S. chose it because they loved the fantasy of a leader’s inarticulate son somehow miraculously growing into a true leader himself upon assuming office?

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The general consensus is that the Oscars’ “youth movement” attempt with Anne Hathaway and James Franco was a resounding thud. Maybe next time the Academy wants to appeal to younger viewers they should have Pixar work something up with Woody and Buzz Lightyear.

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If the Academy Awards really wanted the “must-see television” label last night, I understand Charlie Sheen was available.

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All too familiar sign of spring in San Francisco, the following headline about today’s Giants spring training game in Arizona: “Barry Zito was not sharp.”

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Earl Boykins,  34 years old and 5’5″ ,  has proved the doubters wrong for years, and is still playing for the NBA Milwaukee Bucks.  Now, his alma mater, Eastern Michigan University, is retiring his jersey.

As part of the celebration, EMU will make a  full-sized jersey replica available as a gift for baby showers.

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Taco Bell is rolling out a new ad campaign saying that their taco filling is 88 percent beef and 12 percent “signature recipe seasoning and other ingredients.” Now the fun begins – what are those “other ingredients? (To be fair, they might be healthier than the beef.)

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from my friend Jim Barach:
A Texas group is offering scholarships for white men only.  They are for guys who can’t get into college on an athletic scholarship.

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Oscars and other statues

Posted February 28, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Not that all of them aren’t attractive but “Oscar’s”  forehead really isn’t any less movable than many attending actresses.

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On the other hand,  the Academy Awards are the biggest event where the prize is an immovable statue since the 1992 NBA draft, when the first pick was  Shaquille O’Neal.

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Celine Dion singing “Smile” for “In Memoriam” section of the Oscars. A nice effort, but doesn’t the U.S. have a mutual non-aggression pact with Canada?

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Say what you will about Kirk Douglas. He was much more articulate than either Paula Abdul or Sarah Palin.

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“The Social Network” won for “Best Original Score.”

So many Academy voters are in their 60s, you have to figure the number of them who really know what Facebook is about equaled the number of Zuckerberg’s contemporaries who know what an “Original Score.”

In fact, I would wager that more many Facebook” users of Zuckerberg’s generation, the first thing they think of with “original score” is their first hookup of the evening.

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Augie points out about the “PG-13ing” of “The King’s Speech,”  -“How hypocritical. Every single F’ing expletive used today has an English derivative. What’s next? No F-bombs in baseball? ”

And yeah, what’s next indeed?  No one under 17 within hearing distance of the batter’s box and the pitcher’s mound?  My lip reading isn’t perfect, but I’m pretty sure those aren’t “Gosh’s” and “Golly’s” and “Drat it’s” coming out of ballplayers’ mouths when things go badly.

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Catty corner:  On the subject of Oscar hair – what wind tunnel did Annette Benning use to style hers?  And note to Scarlett Johansson – if you don’t have time to have your hair done, it’s not a bad idea just to brush it.

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Cattiness is not just about women being bitchy towards other women. To whit: Okay, there were a lot of actresses on the red carpet Sunday night with awful hairstyles (or a lack thereof.) But gentlemen, do you think being nominated or asked to present an award just MIGHT have been reason enough to shave?

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One actress who somehow missed both an Oscar and Razzie (“saluting the worst Hollywood has to offer”) nomination – Lindsay Lohan.   Despite all her performances as someone who might actually be making a serious effort at getting her sh*t together.

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Frank Buckles, the last surviving WWI veteran, died today at the age of 110. His greatest regret? That he didn’t live to see that “nice young man” John McCain become president.

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For anyone who doesn’t believe that there are hierarchies of karma –   I give you tonight’s NBA  final from Miami –  The new look Carmelo Anthony New York Knicks – – 91, the semi-new look Lebron James led Miami Heat – 86.

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Thrice-married Newt Gingrich is about to announce his run for President. Guess he thinks who better to defend “family values,” than someone who’s had so many of them?

Comments: 2 Comments

Oscar Eve?

Posted February 27, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

It’s the night before the Oscars –  which means that in Hollywood, all the nominated women who can still move their foreheads are practicing looking surprised.

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The King’s Speech” will apparently be re-released by the Weinstein Company with a PG-13 rating instead of the original R. Presumably this new version will leave out or adjust one scene in which the future King strings together a series of f-bombs. WTF?!

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But really, any kid old enough to be intrigued and/or interested by “the King’s Speech” is probably old enough to have heard more swearing on the school playground at recess.

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Theme song of this year’s NCAA basketball season? “Another #1 bites the dust.” (Tonight, Duke, 60-64 to Virginia.)

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President Obama has appointed Jeremy Barnard as the first male (and openly gay) White House Social Secretary. It’s about time – State dinners in the past have sometimes been successful, but they are about to become Fabulous!

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Cam Newton refused to discuss any of his college problems in a recent interview, saying “”What I did in the past is in the past.” Who knew, whatever disease Mark McGwire has, it’s clearly contagious..

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Prices at the pump jumped 17 cents a gallon on average this week in the U.S. This is the biggest increase in the cost of gas since Taco Bell ended their 39 cent taco promotion.

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Considering how well Jed Bartlet and George H.W.Bush’s sons turned out, I think both Bill Clinton and Barack Obama are thanking their lucky stars they had daughters.

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In Tim Lincecum’s spring training debut, he allowed three runs in the first inning with four straight singles. And Lincecum later confessed to being “nervous.” Hmm, wonder what options a young man in California has for calming his nerves these days?

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Kelsey Grammer, 55, married his girlfriend Katye Walsh, 29, this weekend. It’s Grammer’s fourth marriage. At one point it seemed like Kelsey aspired to be one of the greatest comic actors of our era, now it just seems he aspires to be Larry King.

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British chef Jamie Oliver, who has been promoting a healthy eating/anti-obesity campaign of his own, heard about Sarah Palin’s criticism of Michelle Obama, and referred to the former Alaska Governor as a “Fruit Loop.”

This prompted an immediate demand for an apology.  From Kellogg’s.

Comments: 3 Comments

Lockouts, and shutdowns and falls, oh my.

Posted February 26, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized

In a Washington Post op-ed about the possible NFL lockout, Senator Jay Rockefeller wrote that he’d like to see owners open their financial books to a neutral third party so that the players can see they are acting in good faith. Awesome. A trillionaire, lecturing billionaires, on how to deal with millionaires….

Meanwhile, $20 beers at the stadium anyone?

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Anne Hathaway said she won’t insult her fellow actors, James Franco says that Ricky Gervais’s jokes weren’t funny. Translation, no need to fasten your seatbelts for the Oscars, it’s going to be a boring night.

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Daytona 500 winner Trevor Bayne, 20, apparently is still working on finding sponsors for his Sprint Cup and Nationwide cars. Well, makes sense. He’s too young to test-drive a car by himself, too young to drink, and barely old enough to shave.

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Speaker of the House John Boehner in 1995: When Bill Clinton played a round of golf just before the government shutdown he complained “Now is the time, not to play golf as the president did yesterday, now is the time to act.” John Boehner in 2011: went on a fundraising trip this week to Florida, and played a round of golf in Sarasota.

This year on American Idol, fans will be able to vote on Facebook. Up to a maximum of 50 votes per person. “Pikers”, responded voters in Chicago.

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George Clooney said this week that he has “known” (euphemism mine) too many women ever to run for office.  Okay, was this man asleep or what during the Bill Clinton years?

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Former President George W. Bush cancelled his keystone speeche at a Young President’s Organization event this weekend in Denver, because he said he didn’t want to be on the same program with WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange. Interesting. Wonder who told W. who Assange is?

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Several of the Detroit Pistons missed a practice shoot-around as a protest against their coach. Well, considering their 21-38 record, doesn’t sound like practice has been doing the team much good anyway.

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Glenn Beck apologized for remarks he made on his radio show comparing Reformed rabbis to Islamic terrorists, saying “I was wrong on this. In this case I didn’t do enough homework.” This came as a shock to many Americans, who didn’t realize Beck ever did ANY homework..

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Cavaliers 115, Knicks 109.  So Friday night Carmelo Anthony stars in the latest episode of “Karma’s a bitch.”

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Comments: 1 Comment

Cold comfort?

Posted February 25, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

A London ice cream parlor has started selling scoops made from frozen human breast milk. As far as sizes, presumably the ice cream will be available in A,B, C and D cups.

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Newt Gingrich was questioned by a college student about how he could run on a moral values platform when he’s had at least a few affairs and divorces. And Newt basically responded that “it’s not about my past.” Is he running for President or Home Run King?

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Although speaking of Newt’s future,  if his pattern of chasing younger women continues, will he be the first President to call for his own impeachment?

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Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris have set a date for their nuptials – June 18. But many Americans still think of it as a May wedding. As in, Hef MAY make it to the wedding.

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A new study has found that women seemed to have a lower risk of heart attack and death if they had hot flashes at the start of menopause, compared to women who never had them at all. No word on what the risk was for their husbands who ignored these hot flashes.

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Lindsay Lohan showed up for her felony grand theft hearing yesterday in a shirt cut almost down to her waist. Looks like she’s still showing the fine judgment that got her into this situation in the first place.

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Christine O’Donnell says she has been approached by Dancing With the Stars, but will probably turn it down. Apparently they don’t allow props – even brooms.

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How quickly things have changed in the NBA. Baron Davis was traded from the Clippers to the Cavaliers. Who’d a thunk last year that would be a downhill move?

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What’s wrong with the NBA?   All these trades and rumors….and how many teams have a chance to actually win the championship this year?  Realistically?  Four. The Spurs, Lakers, Celtics and Heat. So much for competition.

You know it’s bad when the people most defending the NBA model are the New York Yankees.

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Snow place like home.

Posted February 24, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Nonstop headlines and breaking news updates from all the Bay Area media: “San Francisco could get as much as an inch of snow this weekend!” Yeah, this ought to do wonders for our reputation as wimps on the East Coast.

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Sarah Palin is traveling to India in March. She says she’s especially interested in meeting the Indian people and hopes someone will invite her  to visit their teepee.

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The NFL owners and players are still meeting to avert a possible lockout, although no progress has yet been reported, and the players’ group left the talks early today. Which means they missed the catered roasted goose with golden eggs dinner.

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The NFL negotiations have been going on in earnest for seven days.  Okay, I’m not a biblical scholar, but didn’t God create the world in less?

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Tiger Woods was eliminated of the first round of a match play tournament today. Looks like the much vaunted “comeback” is a continuing  “come back to earth.”

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Okay, that was a really nice dunk that Blake Griffin did at the NBA All-Star competition over the car. Now a question – What’s the over-under on cars taken to body shops in the next month with hood damage. (Especially by parents of teenage boys.)

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More about that Caltech basketball win, 46-45 over Occidental. Their last conference win was 26 YEARS ago. The school has won nine Nobel prizes since then….

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Harry Reid says he thinks Nevada should end legal prostitution. This is not exactly what the citizens of the state want to hear from their government- at least prostitutes provide value when you pay to get screwed.

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President Obama has ordered his lawyers to stop defending a federal law that bans recognition of same-sex marriage. So where are all the conservatives applauding Obama’s initiative in reducing government intrusion into our lives?

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Pat Boone spoke at CPAC (the Conservative Political Action Conference), saying that Hollywood is not all “lefties.” He described himself as an “embedded conservative in La-La Land.” Pat Boone is still in Hollywood?  Really?  Wonder what Starbucks he works at these days?

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From T.C.  And only in LA moment: . Kia supplied the car that Blake Griffin used as a prop in the NBA AllStar weekend Slam Dunk contest. They weren’t too happy when the car was returned and the hubcaps were missing.

Comments: 1 Comment

U Conned?

Posted February 23, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

U Conn basketball coach Jim Calhoun was suspended for 3 games for recruiting violations. The team also lost scholarships and was put on 3 years probation, but the Huskies avoided a postseason ban. Apparently the precedent cited was “NCAA vs. SEC football.”

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Anne Hathaway said in an interview that she won’t be heckling fellow Hollywood stars as co-host of the Oscars. Thus giving millions of Americans another reason to skip the opening of the telecast.

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Rahm Emanuel has won the Chicago mayoral election and avoided a runoff. Impressively, he even got the votes of over 50 percent of the voters who are still actually alive.

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Apparently Frank Bailey, former Chief of Staff to Sarah Palin, says in his upcoming book the Alaska governor was more concerned about image than issues. Really? The next thing we’ll hear is that Nicole Kidman has used Botox.

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The U.S. State Department just issued a warning telling Americans to “defer all non-essential travel to Libya.” What was their first clue?

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Justin Bieber apparently got a haircut this weekends. “Wow, that’s fascinating,” said absolutely no one over the age of 15.

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Hank Steinbrenner criticized the Yankees for a lack of focus after winning the World Series in 2009, saying “Some of the players are too busy building mansions and doing other things, not concentrating on winning….”

Yeah, Steinbrenner should know about dealing with success.  He made his money the old-fashioned way – he inherited it.

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Sometimes you just have to wonder if anyone in marketing actually reads or thinks about their own ads.

This was sent to agents Tuesday morning, February 22, as a special of the week by a major Hawaii operator:  “ACT NOW! Reduced airfare rates to Hawaii: From $452 for 3 nights’ accommodation and air. Rate valid for travel on United Airlines through 2/28/11.”

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My friend Nick E.  points out that Tuesday was is Florida Annexation Day! 190 years ago Florida was annexed as a US territory from Spain for $5 million. Wonder how much we would have to pay Spain today to take them back.

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The Carnegie Deli in New York is putting a Carmelo Anthony sandwich on the menu – including corned beef, pastrami, salami, bacon, russian dressing and tomato. Knicks fans are just hoping the trade doesn’t leave them feeling as sick as eating the sandwich.

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Occidental College lost their season finale in basketball tonight, 46-45 to Caltech, which came into the game on a 310 (not a typo) game conference losing streak. Suddenly that Lakers loss to Cleveland doesn’t seem QUITE so embarrassing.

Comments: 2 Comments

Weighty matters.

Posted February 22, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Rush Limbaugh has now decided to take on Michelle Obama’s appearance, saying the First Lady would never be in Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit issue. With all due respect, the only way Rush himself would be pictured in that issue would be as a buoy.

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Carmelo Anthony has apparently been traded to the Knicks. Well, this could work out well. If Anthony moves to New York he’ll be closer to the major networks when it comes time to be a commentator for the later rounds of the NBA playoffs.

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The NFL owner and players association are having long secret talks. One lawyer described the proceedings as “We’re in a cone of silence.” Suppose it’s too much to hope for that both sides would “Get Smart.”

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Fans are still buzzing over Blake Griffin’s “car dunk” during the NBA All-Star slam-dunk competition. It might have been the biggest dunk ever over a large inanimate object, well not involving Shaq.

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Today will mark five YEARS since Supreme Court Judge Clarence Thomas has spoken during oral arguments. I guess he paid attention to that old Lincoln quote, “Better to keep silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and remove all doubt.”

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A Florida mother ignited a controversy by having her teenage son stand on a street corner with a sign advertising his 1.22 GPA. The boy is particularly upset because he doesn’t want the school’s football players thinking that he’s a braggart and a nerd.

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Three of the Monkees are getting together for a 45th reunion tour.  Which no doubt will feature their hit – “I’m a believer.”   Excpet that now it’s “I’m a believer if i could just remember what I believe.”

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More music from Bill Littlejohn:  The Hollies are releasing a song about the 1,255-pound Yankees rotation–‘He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Starter'”

And from my friend Jim Barach:  Prince William and Kate Middleton sent out invitations to 1,900 guests for their upcoming Royal Wedding. Word is that Sarah Ferguson has already put hers up for sale on Ebay.

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In England, a travel company is now giving tours of  Kate Middleton’s home town. They are doing so well the company is considering adding a tour of Camilla’s home stables.

Comments: 1 Comment

Dunking and driving.

Posted February 21, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Today was a good sports day for fans of irony.  Two of the least racially diverse sports in America,both having their showcase events on the same day.

(For nonsports fans, the NBA All-Star game and the Daytona 500.)

So what’s more likely?  A white kid growing up in the U.S. to become an NBA All-Star starter, or a black kid growing up to be a driver at the Daytona 500?

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Regarding the NBA game –  since did NBA All-Star weekend turn into another episode of the Grammys? (There was  more music than actual basketball.)

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Rookie Trevor Bayne, 20, wins Daytona 500. Well, that’s one way for the sport to avoid embarrassing DUIs – have a star who’s too young to drink.

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Wonder what George Washington would say if he could see our current President’s Day celebrations? Probably something along the lines of “I cannot tell a lie, some of these so called “half price” sales are major ripoffs.”

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A recent survey by 24/7 Wall Street indicated that Priceline was the “big American retailer” with the worst customer service. This comes as a surprise to many Americans who’ve booked travel with the company – Priceline HAS customer service?

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Donald Rumsfeld said this week that the Oakland Raiders were “evil.” What is it with this guy and his need to go after entities with no discernible weapons?

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The NBA’s Sacramento Kings are thinking of moving to the Honda Center in Anaheim. Well, as far as title hopes, or even playoff hopes, perhaps they just want to be closer to their spiritual home – Fantasyland.

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So some Conservatives believe the protestors in Egypt were “used” by the Muslim Brotherhood who did not have the people’s interests at heart. But there’s a deafening silence when middle and lower income Tea Partiers have travelled to Wisconsin to chant “Don’t tax corporations.”

Apparently students in Texas currently rank 47th in the nation in literacy, 49th in verbal SAT scores and 46th in math scores.

So this well-known Texas liberal wrote a letter to the Houston Chronicle against Governor Perry’s proposed budget cuts:  “In light of these statistics, can we afford to cut the number of teachers, increase class sizes, eliminate scholarships for underprivileged students and close several community colleges?”

The liberal writer?  Laura Bush.

Comments: 2 Comments

All Star Eve:

Posted February 20, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags:

The “NBA Skills Challenge” seems to be becoming a series of meaningless performances punctuated by increasing media hype. In other words, sort of like the NBA regular season.

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In fact the NBA regular season really has become a joke for the elite teams in the league, who know they just have to qualify with a decent seed.  Some of these guys are mailing it in so consistently they should be sponsored by the U.S. Post Office.

Serene Branson apparently was suffering from “migraine aura” when she began speaking gibberish during a live segment following the Grammy.

In related news, Paula Abdul just announced a fundraiser for fellow victims of “migraine aura.”

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A San Francisco radio station is playing 16 continuous hours of Grateful Dead music this weekend. This explains why, across Northern California, 7-11 stores are reporting a run on Doritos.

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Rahm Emanuel is projected to be the winner in Tuesday’s Chicago mayoral race. And makes sense, he is a smart, attractive candidate who hasn’t made particularly impossible promises – for example, Rahm hasn’t said he could fix the the Cubs.

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The #1 ranked Kansas men’s basketball team lost earlier in the week, the #1 ranked Baylor women’s team lost Saturday.

Being #1 in college basketball is getting to be about as safe as being the #2 guy in Al Qaeda.

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My friend Karen points out the scary fact that Kim Kardashian has more followers now on Twitter than President Obama.  But to be fair, the Kardashians probably have a lot more fans who can’t deal with more than 140 characters at a time.

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Tiger Woods apologized for spitting on the course in Dubai last weekend and said he “just wasn’t thinking.” Yeah, well, apparently that has been a problem for years.

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Frank Bailey, a former Sarah Palin chief of staff, is writing a tell-all memoir on the former Alaska Governor. I guess he’s not worried about getting sued, because that would require Sarah actually read a book to do it.

“I am Number 4” is doing well at the box office. This despite the  fact that many moviegoers think it must be a documentary about NBS status amongst the major networks.

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Just a thought, whatever side you are on:  Regarding everything that’s going on in Wisconsin, and something to think about for 2012. Wonder would have happened if all this effort and energy going into fighting Governor Walker’s proposals, had gone into electing a Democratic governor last November?

Comments: 1 Comment

President’s Day Weekend.

Posted February 19, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ,

While we’re celebrating President’s Day here’s an interesting thought. Since Virginia was at that point a British colony, George Washington himself wasn’t born in the United States.

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Former President George W. Bush apparently used to complain that HE didn’t have a day in his own honor. Although Dick Cheney mollified him by saying that a day was already set aside for that in the future–the first of April.

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Sarah Palin came out against the “birthers” in her own party, saying questions about President Obama’s citizenship are “annoying” and a “distraction.” Possible translation – she’s beginning to worry that the same people who don’t know Hawaii is a state, aren’t sure about Alaska either.

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During an appearance in New York Thursday, Sarah Palin said that to help prepare for her speech,  she had asked her daughter Bristol to Google information about the economy in their hotel room the night before.

Too bad a few years ago Sarah hadn’t asked  Bristol to Google information about birth control.

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Unusually low temperatures and rain around San Francisco. Most Bay Area residents can’t remember being so cold here since their last Giants game at Candlestick.

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The judge overseeing Barry Bonds’ perjury case asked the lawyers on both sides to seek a plea bargain, “or rather “a resolution of this short of trial.” Translation, the judge is as sick of wasting time and money on this as most of the rest of us.

(My friend Ed Miller suggests, just tattoo an asterisk on his forthead and let him go.)

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Open note to the GOP: If you are really serious that our nation’s top priority is reducing abortions, what about making it a crime for heterosexual men without certified vasectomies to have sex outside of marriage?

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So any truth to the rumor that Mubarak’s next planned step is to run for Governor of Wisconsin?

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Things are getting wild indeed in Wisconsin.  The state hasn’t seen such outrage since Brett Favre signed with the Vikings.

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Life without a real Tiger: The Golf Channel has suspended Jim Gray from covering the “Northern Trust Open” after Gray had an altercation with Dustin Johnson’s caddie. This comes as real news to both people who were planning to watch the tournament.

Comments: 2 Comments

Detroit, we have a problem.

Posted February 18, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

The Tigers’ Miguel Cabrera, who said last year he did not have an “alcohol problem,” was arrested in Florida for DUI. According to the Sheriff’s dept, Cabrera “smelled of alcohol, had slurred speech and TOOK A SWIG FROM A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH IN FRONT OF A DEPUTY.” (Caps mine.)” Well, I don’t know about an alcohol problem, but he sure has a stupidity problem.

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Cheryl Burke from “Dancing with the Stars’ has now confirmed rumors that she had a fling with her one-time partner Chad Ochocinco. Well, at least she had enough sense not to sign a long term contract with him.th him. 

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Michael Vick cancelled his appearance on “Oprah,” but also apparently has been receiving some inquiries about a possible appearance on “the View.” Great, so he may be going from dogfighting to catfighting.

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It’s after midnight, one week before the trade deadline. Do you know where Carmelo Anthony is?

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Former Partridge Family star David Cassidy pleaded no contest to DUI after being arrested with a .14 blood alcohol level and a half bottle of bourbon in the car. Sounds like he may have taken that “Come on get happy” a little too literally.

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Speaker of the House John Boehner reaffirmed his promise on budget cuts today, punctuating it with “Read my lips.” Yeah, that phrase worked out so well for the GOP before.

What’s next, will he declare of the Republican plans –  “mission accomplished?”

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Many passengers out of San Francisco today are complaining about flights delayed an hour or two by rain. And travelers living on the East Coast, in the Midwest and Texas are thinking, oh just SHUT UP.

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The Energy Department’s inspector general reported that California’s Lawrence Livermore National Lab failed to keep track of samples of dangerous drugs, including cocaine, amphetamines, opium and black tar heroin. And that some drugs were missing. Sounds like it could have been a heck of a Christmas party.

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Fox News was caught faking coverage at the CPAC straw poll. When Ron Paul beat Mitt Romney the network used footage from last year of people booing. Fox News isn’t always honest? Next thing we’ll hear is that Charlie Sheen has a substance abuse problem.

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So some think Florida governor and Tea Party favorite Rick Scott’s decision to turn down federal funds for High Speed Rail may help opponents derail HSR in California.  Okay, just how low have we fallen in the Golden State that we now aspire to be Florida?

From Bill Littlejohn: “In Egypt, they’ve found the stolen statue of King Tut’s father—it should be back in place at the entrance to Penn State’s Beaver football Stadium by next season”

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And by the time anyone reads this things may have changed, but as of the time of writing, my “don’t forget the lyrics” joke from last night is number three on Giglish.com  – behind Conan O’Brien and Jimmy Fallon jokes. I’ll take it.

http://www.giglish.com/

Comments: 1 Comment

Dogging it?

Posted February 17, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Michael Vick has just backed out of a scheduled interview next week with Oprah Winfrey for “personal reasons.” Well, better that than saying he was “dog tired.” 

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Who’d a thunk it – the “cure” for the woeful Cleveland Cavaliers in 2011 might just turn out to be playing a team from Los Angeles?

(The Cavs only broke their 26 game losing streak in overtime last week against the Clippers.  But they beat the Lakers 104-99 in regulation.)

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Lance Armstrong has announced his second retirement, and says this one is final. “Amateur” scoffed Brett Favre.

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Those end of season home football losses to Stanford and Washington really stung Cal last year and knocked the Bears out of a bowl. So does that explain Cal’s decision to fill a hole in their schedule on Sept 17 at AT&T Park with Presbyterian College of Clinton, S.C.?

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A San Francisco student’s research indicates that car thefts and burglaries in the city went down considerably in October 2010 from 2009. She believes this wasbecause of the Giants playoff run. Notonly were people happy. But the streets were less empty,  thus affording less opportunity for thieves to break in without being seen.

Guess this means it was business as usual for car thieves in Chicago.

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Last advice from Randy Jackson to American Idol contestants tonight. “Don’t forget the lyrics.” Indeed, or else you could end up at some football game singing the National Anthem in front of millions of people.

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Herman Cain (I know, “who”?) the first Republican to open a presidential exploratory committee, said in a speech to the CPAC – “Stupid people are ruining America.”

“Ruining America?”  What, so instead we should elect a stupid person to run America? Tried that, didn’t work.

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Actual serious travel rant: So United Airlines had to temporarily ground all their 757s for overlooked maintenance issues.  Now if you have a problem that means you can’t make a flight you pay $150 plus fare difference. How come the airline wasn’t paying ticketed passengers $150 for the flights THEY had to change?.

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Michele Bachman is upset because the IRS says breast pumps (to aid in breast feeding) are tax deductible, saying it’s too much government outreach into our personal lives. Really. Where’s her outrage over being able to deduct a Viagra prescription?

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Rats.

Posted February 16, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Larry, the newest member of the British Government.

Apparently British Prime Minister David Cameron has yielded to his children’s pleas, along with requests from his staff who have seen several large rats,  and adopted a “predatory” cat whose job it will be to rid his office of vermin.

President Obama just wishes there was a cat who had the the same potential with lobbyists.

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Donald Trump is burnishing his Conservative credentials in preparation for a possible 2012 run for the Presidency. Which include stating that he is against gay-marriage. Instead “The Donald” believes that marriage should be a sacred union between a man and a series of progressively younger women.

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Donald Trump said that New York Mets owner Fred Wilpon wants him to buy part of the club but he declined. So let’s see, Trump is arrogant enough to think he can run for President and fix the United States, but not so arrogant as to think he can fix the Mets?.

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After months of posturing from both sides Roger Goodell now says labor talks must accelerate to avert a strike. Sounds like the NFL is taking the same advance planning approach to a potential shutdown as the Cowboys did with those extra Super Bowl seats.

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The St. Louis Cardinals have reportedly offered Albert Pujols $200 million for eight years, but Pujols may turn it down because it isn’t as high per year as A-Rod’s 10 year $275 million contract. So can someone explain to me exactly what you can buy with $275 million that you can’t buy with $200 million?

(Responded my friend, Jerry Perisho – “Kate Hudson.”  Although I think A-Rod only rented her.)

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A recent survery of likely GOP primary voters in 2012 saids that 51% of them think President Obama wasn’t born in the U.S. 28 % think he was born here, 21 % aren’t sure. Maybe it’s time to change the song “God Bless America,” to “God Help America.”

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Probable 2012 Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee said Monday that for him the issue of abortion “transcends” all other pressing concerns facing the country.

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While good people can disagree on choice, its amazing how many of those who believe banning abortion is the MOST important issue are financially secure men with healthcare and jobs.

Comments: 1 Comment

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