Tiger, tiger…

Posted February 15, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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For moments last weekend, Tiger Woods looked like his old self in Dubai. But turns out it was just his spitting image.

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A Los Angeles CBS station says Serene Branson, a reporter who spoke incoherently during a segment on the Grammy Awards, is “feeling fine.” In fact, Ms. Branson now hopes to audition to be a judge on next year’s American Idol.

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You know you’re getting older when your response to some of the Grammy award winners goes from “I don’t really listen to them,” to “Who the heck are they?”

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Justin Bieber’s fans are apparently outraged that their hero didn’t win a Grammy for best new artist. I don’t know, clearly I’m not a teenage girl, but “new?” Doesn’t it seem like Justin has been around for EVER?

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Apparently negotiations between the St. Louis Cardinals and Albert Pujols are not going well as the slugger wants a huge contract. Wonder what number Pujols will wear in pinstripes?

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One good thing about watching the Bachelor on Valentine’s Day: if you’re attached to someone semi-normal it makes them appear better by comparison. And if you’re single, you think, it could be so much worse.

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So today is 106 days since the SF Giants won the World Series. “So days, years, what’s the difference?” responded fans in Chicago.

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So they lost out on Cliff Lee, had Andy Petitte retire, and now the Yankees hear that C.C. Sabathia may exercise his opt-out clausenext year. At this point the New York pitching theme song may be “Another one bites the dust.”

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A San Diego weatherman pled guilty to a lewd act after two witnesses reported seeing him masturbate while watching a woman at a bus stop. 

He originally told police he was “adjusting the window blinds.”  Ladies and gentlemen, I think a new euphemism has been born.

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From Marc Ragovin.

So Yankees fans are worried that CC Sabathia might exercise his opt out clause.  No need for concern. It’s been a long time since CC has exercised anything.

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Going Gaga.

Posted February 13, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

So after the Grammys will Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way” album be retitled “Hatched this Way?”

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And some of these acts must be making the younger generation of viewers think –  they’re called the Grammys because only your Grammy has heard of some of these acts.

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Since when did part of the purpose of the Grammys become making whatever stars wear to the Oscars look good?

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So if the Grammys are really a huge national event and championship for the music industry, how come no one sang the National Anthem?

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On the other hand, maybe the music industry wanted a night where no one forgot the words.

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Tiger Woods shot a 75 and ended up 20th in Dubai. Who won? Yeah, I don’t care either.

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John Boehner says the facts say President Obama is a Christian and a citizen. But he added that “it’s not not my job to tell the American people what to think.” Actually, these days, the GOP seems to prefer that people NOT think.

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Tonight’s Washington Wizards game against the Cavaliers in Cleveland:. The perfect appetizer for all those who couldn’t wait for the March Madness play-in game.’

Well Cleveland Cavaliers fans, that winning streak was great while it lasted.

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Another sorry sidelight to the Christopher Lee  – aka the Craiglist Congressman – saga.  The guy was vain enough to lie about his age by seven years (said he was 39 instead of 46), but still stupid enough to use his real name?

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For anyone dreading Valentine’s day, as my friend Dan McCarthy points out, it is only one more day until “Cheap Candy Day.” 

(And okay, February 15 is maybe not quite as good as November 1,but the cheap stuff on the 15th is prettier.)

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And commie-pinko time:   Okay, while they say their top priority is eliminating abortions, the GOP wants to cut about $750 million from the “Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants & Children” (WIC). So can someone explain to me how you can be “pro-life” but anti-feeding pregnant mothers, and the kids once they’re born?

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It’s never easy.

Posted February 12, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

The Tea Party’s success has Republicans really bickering amongst themselves. Who do they think they are?  Democrats?

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In the movie “Just Go With It,” Adam Sandler ends up in major trouble for pretending he is divorced, when he isn’t even married.  GOP leaders are thinking that it’s a shame that former Congressman Christopher Lee didn’t see an advance screening.

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Redskins DT tackle Albert Haynesworth has been formally charged with assault stemming from a road rage incident earlier this month. Haynesworth plans to call the Washington coaching staff as defense witnesses. They will testify that this year Albert seemed incapable of really hitting anyone.

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The city of Arlington has now released records indicating that they advised the Dallas Cowboys five MONTHS in advance that they needed permits for temporary seating. And the team didn’t start the approval process until mid January. Sounds like Dallas was as well prepared to host the Super Bowl as they were to play in it.

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And as of this blog posting, Tiger Woods is in contention at the Dubai Desert Classic. 

Okay, anyone need any more proof that for most Americans golf is a one man game?   This is the weekend of the A.T and T Pro-Am in Pebble Beach, one of the most iconic golf tournaments in the country….and we care about the Dubai Desert Classic?

With all due respect, if Tiger weren’t using the tournament to attempt his latest comeback, most of us wouldn’t even know there WAS a Dubai Desert Classic.

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Despite allegations that the Catholic church shelters its own, in Los Angeles, a 74 year priest was removed from his position by the Archdiocese. He had admitted having a sexual relationship with a high school girl starting in 1960. Because his lover was in high school when he was 23? Or because she was a girl?

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How rough is it this year for the Washington Wizards, with an 0-25 record on the road? Now they get to travel to Cleveland to play the Cavaliers while they’re hot.

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Arnold Schwarzenegger is going back to making movies. Which is probably a good thing, with all the money the former Governor will earn (and pay taxes on), the state of California can go back to actually benefiting from his crappy performances.

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From reader Keith Hillyard: 

I see that Tanya Harding is pregnant. When the kid finds out who his mother is, his first words will be, “Why me?”

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Decisions, decisions

Posted February 12, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

First he’s staying, then he’s rumored to be leaving, then he announces he’s staying, then finally Friday he resigns. Not sure what now-former Egyptian President Mubarak’s plans include, but one option probably includes playing quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings.

So, the revolution in Egypt has brought new leadership and the Egyptian people have hopes for a bright future. On the other hand, it’s not quite THAT easy. How many times in the past 100 years have the Chicago Cubs changed managers?

Congratulations to the people of Egypt. On the other hand, how would we Americans feel waking up in the morning to find out the Pentagon was in charge?

A new Ronald Reagan stamp will be a 44 cent “forever” stamp. To really do Reagan’s economic policies justice, Americans should buy the stamps, and save them to use when the real cost of first class postage is over $1.

The white designer mini-dress Lindsay Lohan wore to court this week apparently has now sold out in stores. Wonder how long it will take them to come up with a striped version.

A new book claims that WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange has fathered at least four “love children.” Who knew that Assange apparently had dreams of playing in the NBA?

Regarding Assange, yeah, white men can’t jump, but they can apparently score.  Especially without protection.

Newly released in the cinema:  A mediocre Adam Sandler-Jennifer Aniston romantic comedy and a Justin Bieber documentary.  It’s enough to even make many women say “So honey, isn’t the Pro Bowl normally the weekend after the Super Bowl?”

The Cleveland Cavaliers tonight ended their 26 game losing streak by beating the Los Angeles Clippers in overtime. And somewhere, some aging members of the 1972 Miami Dolphins cracked open a few beers.

From Bill Littlejohn:  Albert Haynesworth was reportedly involved in a road rage incident in which he punched another driver after allegedly tailgating him.  Redskins fans say it’s reportedly the first time he’s caught someone from behind all year.

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Transitions.

Posted February 11, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

President Mubarak of Egypt did not resign today, but he did delegate all real power to his Vice President. Responded George W. Bush “Been there, done that.”

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 The Metrodome landlords decided today to replace, not repair, the snow damaged roof for next season. So for the Vikings in 2011, that’s now two aging relics that won’t be back.

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Sarah Palin referred to Rick Santorum as a “knuckle-dragging Neanderthal.” Wow, wonder who helped her write that on her hand?

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Regarding events in Egypt. We may do a lot of things wrong in this country but we sure do a neat and orderly job of transferring Presidential power on January 20 every four or eight years.

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The Cleveland Cavaliers lost again, tying the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for the longest losing streak by a professional sports team. Although, really, when you lose 26 in a row, don’t you kind of forfeit the right to call yourself a professional sports team?

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 Los Angeles judge set bail for Lindsay Lohan in her felony theft case and told the troubled star not to “push her luck.” Then the judge had to leave the courtroom to get home. Since his horse was out in the field and he needed to close the barn door behind it.

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Well, although the entire world expected his resignation speech, Egyptian President Mubarak said he would “delegate powers” but refused to leave. “Doesn’t this guy know when to quit?” asked Brett Favre?

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The Cleveland Cavaliers are desperate for wins after losing 26 straight. At this point their only hope might be March Madness – with a decent seed they might make it through the first weekend.

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While no one knows for sure if Congresswoman Giffords will be able to return to Washington, she did utter an intelligible phrase this week. Which already puts her ahead of many current members of Congress.

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Utah Jazz coach Jerry Sloan abruptly resigned in the middle of the season, apparently deciding he was done with professional basketball. Wonder if he’s got any interest in the Cavaliers job?

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Mike Simpson, a Republican on the House Appropriations Committee says that the fight to cut spending could lead to a government shut down.   This is different from the current situation how?

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Great quote from Ben Cohen in the Wall Street Journal: “These are strange times, even by California’s standards. The San Francisco Giants are World Series champions for the first time, Stanford boasts the West Coast’s best football team and Los Angeles’s marquee NBA draw, Blake Griffin, plays for the Clippers.”

from Jim Barach: Three alien hunters say that scientists should develop a protocol for sending intelligible communications to life on other planets. That pretty much rules out text messaging.

Comments: 2 Comments

Just when you thought,

Posted February 10, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

there wasn’t a man left in America who hadn’t heard the cautionary tales of Tiger Woods and Brett Favre and their texting….

Turns out there was a Congressman right in New York who didn’tg get the memo.

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But okay, here’s an open note to all politcians and athletes, especially those over the age of 25. EVERYTHING you send on a phone or over the internet is potentially public. And if it’s potentially embarrassing, it will almost certainly become public.

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Although when you think about this latest story of a married politician texting shirtless pictures of himself to a woman not his wife. I think we can all be thankful again that texting hadn’t been invented when Clinton was President.

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Mark Sanchez, 24, apparently is “hooking up” with a 17 year old New York high school student. (17 is the legal age of consent in New York, as opposed to 18 in California) Now we know why he was in such a hurry to leave USC.

Open warning to all CFL general managers, especially those with daughters,  should Sanchez wash out with the Jets.  In Canada the age of consent is 16.

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Green Bay Packers coach Mike McCarthy apparently had his players fitted for championship rings the day before the Super Bowl. “Uh, it’s a lot easier if you just do it in the preseason” responded the New York Yankees.

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There are rumors that President Obama is dyeing his hair to get rid of some of the gray. Well, he DID take a biography of Ronald Reagan with him over Christmas….

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CBS and Turner Sports plan to expand their March Madness coverage, which according to a CBS executive will “create non-stop basketball from noon ET to midnight.” That crashing sound you are about to hear is American productivity next month plummeting to zero.

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Pirates’ pitcher Ross Ohlendorf won a $1.5 million raise in arbitration this year, even with a 1-11 record in 2010. Giants management hopes Barry Zito doesn’t hear about this.

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The Blame Game?

Posted February 9, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Michelle Obama has announced that her husband has quit smoking. Wonder how long it will take the GOP to accuse the President of contributing to unemployment in the tobacco industry?

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Taco Bell has been fighting back against a lawsuit that says the “seasoned ground beef” in its menu items doesn’t contain enough beef meat. And as a gesture of thanks the chain is offering a free Crunchy Beef Taco to its first 10 million Facebook fans.  Ten million tacos?!  Wow.  That’s almost a ton of meat.

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The Tea Party is coming out with a new magazine to express their anti-government platform – the Tea Party Review. But how are they going to deliver it? Surely not by the U.S. Post Office.

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Coach Sean Payton says he is committed to the Saints but he isnownow relocating his family back to their home town of Dallas from New Orleans. This might be the closest Jerry Jones comes to having a Super Bowl winning coach in Dallas.

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One sentence to sum up what kind of winter it’s been. “On Monday, Mark Wilson won the frost-delayed Phoenix Open.”

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A recent GE study looking at the disconnect between patients and their doctors said 28% of Americans say they sometimes lie or omit facts when talking to their health care provider about their care. And the other 72 % lie to survey takers.

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The Los Angeles Lakers have now joined the negotiations to get Carmelo Anthony from the Denver Nuggets. Apparent object – how to take back the title “Most hated team in America” from the Miami Heat.

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Former Republican Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell of Delaware has sent out a fundraising letter claiming she was the “White House’s”  top opponent in 2010. In related news, the Cleveland Cavaliers have sent out a letter to their fans with a special offer to buy potential playoff tickets.

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So now the story comes out that the NFL knew there was a potential problem with Super Bowl tickets, but kept quiet in hopes of the new seats being ready in time. And why would they have any reason to suspect Cowboys owner Jerry Jones of over-reaching ambition?

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And apropos of nothing except regarding that old chestnut “size matters.”  Population of  Green Bay -about 102,000.  Number of people who in one way or another got crammed into Cowboys Stadium Sunday?  About 103,000.

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From Marc Ragovin: A recent article said that the vast majority of New York City high school graduates are unprepared to succeed in college. In response, a group of exasperated students said “We ain’t?”

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Wait until next year?

Posted February 8, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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For all those fans who shivered their way through Super Bowl week,I  give you Indianapolis, site of the 2012 game. With a high today of 17 degrees.

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This year’s Super Bowl set a record for American television viewing, with 111 million people tuned into the game. Of course probably half those people had limited choice – with this winter’s weather they couldn’t get out of the house.

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Suggestion for Super Bowl XLVI (and beyond): Since the new venues, including Indianapolis’ Lucas Oil Stadium, all have REALLY large big-screen monitors, how about setting up a Karaoke machine for future Anthem singers?

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American Idol/post Super Bowl thought – How seriously will we take the judges this year when they tell someone in Hollywood that they will never be a big star if they can’t remember the lyrics?

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Reality show fans have to wonder if the Bachelor is fixed, as the show seems to have one attractive narcissistic, immature contestant every year,  who nonetheless doesn’t get sent home.  I mean, who would believe that someone could be deceived for long by a person who is clearly not serious relationship material.

Meanwhile, the media’s still buzzing over those “cute” pictures of Cameron Diaz with Alex Rodriguez.

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The Passat commercial with the little Darth Vader was the clear winner on Super Bowl Sunday. Wonder how much Volkswagen had to pay to obtain the rights to be able to photoshop those old family pictures of a young Dick Cheney?

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Lindsay Lohan now says she didn’t take the necklace, she just borrowed it.  And Reggie Bush said “Why didn’t I think of that.”

Actually, Lindsay should have just said her father must have taken the the necklace for her.

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In Donald Rumsfeld’s new book, the former Secretary of Defense said he “made a few misstatements” about WMD’s in Iraq.

Responded Sarah Palin, “See, it’s not like he lied or anything.”

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Only 363 days….

Posted February 7, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized

Until Super Bowl XLVI.  (Feb, 5, 2012)  I hear the pre-game show starts next week.

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So Elton John allowed “Tiny Dancer” to be used in a Super Bowl commercial. Well, it’s less of a sellout than performing at Rush Limbaugh’s latest wedding… 

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A commercial for the NFL says “The path to the Draft” starts tomorrow. The NFL Draft is in April. Perfect for all those who think there just wasn’t enough pre-Super Bowl coverage.

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And a sure sign of Super Bowl Sunday morning…. avocados beng snatched up at the local Safeway faster than Wonka bars when there was a Golden Ticket inside.

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The Black Eyed Peas represented  real change for the Super Bowl. For the first time in recent memory, the halftime act might have been younger than most of the players on the field.

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At one point in the second half,  former Cal quarterback Aaron Rodgers was looking for ANYTHING to jump start the offense and help his team score.  Rumor has it an all-points bulletin was put out for the Stanford band?

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It doesn’t hurt though when a team stops dropping catchable balls.  Wonder if Packers coach Mike McCarthy called a quick sideline meeting with Green Bay receivers – in American football, you are allowed to use your hands.

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Christina Aquilera today became the latest singer to botch the lyrics to the National Anthem. Where’s the ghost of Mitch “follow the bouncing ball” Miller, when you really need him? (Anyone too young to get that reference, try Google.)

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There was a mixup where temporary seats at Cowboys stadium weren’t completed to the satisfaction of the fire marshall. Which resulted in over 400 people who expected to be at the Super Bowl not being able to get into the game. Over 450 if you counted the roster of the Dallas Cowboys.

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Okay, so much for that 2011 made-for-TV movie “Ben Roethlisberger – Victory and Redemption.”

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Ben Roethlisberger certainly tried enough passes in the Super Bowl. But mostly with the kind of results that must have reminded him of being in a bar with college girls.

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Quote of the week? From Patti Davis, Ronald Reagan’s daughter about two would-be-heirs to her father’s legacy – Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann. “My father was a Rhodes Scholar compared to them.

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And now that football is over….I’ve joked about what would happen if the Washington Wizards (0-25 on the road) travelled to Cleveland to play the Cavaliers (0-24 period.)? And my friend John points out this will happen, Feb 13. So after the Super Bowl, mark your calendar of basketball’s equivalent of the Toilet Bowl.

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Super Sunday Eve.

Posted February 6, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized

 SF Giants fans were surprised to see Tim Lincecum with a mustache at today’s Fan Fest. Mostly they were surprised to see he could grow one.

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A slimmer Pablo Sandoval, quoted in the SF Chronicle “I knew in the postseason already I had to change my body (and) my mind. For all the things that happened with me in the postseason, I say thank you to the Giants because they made me grow up in that situation.” A baseball player acting like an adult and taking responsibility? What a concept!

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Tate Forcier, declared academically ineligible this year for the Gator Bowl with Michigan, has now announced he has narrowed his transfer choices to Kansas State, Washington, Arizona, Miami and Montana. When asked which of them might be a better fit for his major, Forcier allegedly responded “What’s a major?”

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There’s a major contaminated ground beef recall now in Northern California, making anyone who’s eaten beef in the area recently at least a little nervous. So at least Taco Bell customers are safe.

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Not much of a surprise that Deion Sanders made the Hall of Fame.  The interesting question, will he break the record for the longest accetpance speech? 

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Okay, while I’m a moderate I do have some intelligent friends I disagree with politically, but come on, Sarah Palin trying to lay claim to the Reagan legacy?  About the only thing Reagan and Palin REALLY have in common is that they both had incredibly healthy good-sized first children born prematurely 7 1/2 months after their marriages.   (True.)

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So when do the Cleveland Cavaliers schedule a game against the Harlem Globetrotters?

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Actually,when are the Cavs going to schedule a game with a more evenly matched opponent? Like the Washington Generals?

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New York Mets ownership is still denying they should have known that Bernie Madoff was running a Ponzi scheme with investors’ money. “Should have”, probably, but what do you expect from the folks who thought signing Oliver Perez for 3 years and $36 million was a good idea?

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 Bill Littlejohn, on a Dallas Zoo elephant predicting a Green Bay victory in the Super Bowl: “Of course she likes the Packers — she’s a packerderm.”

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And Augie,  referencing a previous post about Prince Charles and a”horsey” relationship –

On Prince Charles’ probable diplomatic immunity, the horse news could be the reason for those mule-like ears as a family trait.

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Crimes and misdemeanors:

Posted February 5, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized

Washington Redskins defensive lineman Albert Haynesworth was named in a misdemeanor assault warrant.   According to the police,  Haynesworth was accused of punching a motorist who had complained the NFL player was tailgating  him.  Shame Albert hadn’t been following  Dan Snyder.  In D.C. instead of a warrant he might have been given a medal.

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Former New York Gov. David Paterson has paid a $62,124 fine fine from the state ethics board over free Yankees World Series tickets. Well, at least that’s one problem that will not happen anytime soon with the Governor of Ohio.

(Or to Rahm Emanuel should he be elected Mayor of Chicago.)

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Andy Pettitte is retiring. You know what that means – GM Brian Cashman is just adding another expensive All-Star pitcher to his trade deadline shopping list.

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John McCain declined to endorse his former running mate Sarah Palin for the 2012 Presidential nomination. At this point John feels about that choice about the same as Larry King feels about one or two of those early wives.

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Ice fell from the Cowboy Stadium roof today and injured several workers.  And while no one was hurt by flight cancellations,  many fans were unable to get to Dallas today due to snow at the airport.

So where are all these Conservative preachers who love to blame any natural disaster in a blue state on God’s wrath?  Any chance this might be interpreted as a sign God is not a fan of Texas?

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For all those who say that the number one reason that Andrew Luck should have gone into the NFL draft was the risk of a senior year injury, I give you Sam Bradford. Who made the same “mistake,” barely played his senior year, and ended up 2010 NFL Rookie of the Year. Follow your heart, the money will follow.

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And on a rare serious note, it was 28 years ago today that Karen Carpenter died of a heart attack at the age of 32.  One of the bestvoices of many generations.  R.I.P.  

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The ring’s the thing?

Posted February 4, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

At the buzzer – Spurs 89, Lakers 88. All the hype this year about Kobe and Lebron, and it’s quite possible neither of them take home a ring. (The only people upset about this outside of Miami and Los Angeles are television executives.)

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The Packers and Steelers are two of the only six NFL teams that do not have their own cheerleaders. So for the first time since Super Bowl II, the game will not have any cheerleaders. This news disappointed millions of men and about two women.

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Bob Griese, 65, has announced his retirement from broadcasting after 29 years. Wonder how many people have anonymously forwarded this story to Terry Bradshaw?

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Sarah Palin has declined an invitation to speak annual Conservative Political Action Conference later in February, despite the fact that almost every other Republican running for President in 2012 will be there. Actually makes sense in a way, with all the other candidates there, it won’t be all about Sarah.

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The Republicans have dropped controversial language in an anti-abortion bill that would have greatly narrowed the definition of rape. The wording had been known privately as the Roethlisberger codicil.

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Since the alleged victim in the most recent sexual assault case was a young woman who wasn’t legally old enough to drink, think we can safely assume that if the Steelers win Sunday, we won’t hear the commercial with Big Ben saying  “I’m going to Disneyland.”

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Giants closer Brian Wilson has decided to go back on Twitter. And manager Bruce Bochy has just upped his standing single malt scotch order for his office.

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The NCAA indicated they will sanction Tennessee’s football program for violations under former coach Lane Kiffin, and will also cite Kiffin himself, who has moved on to USC. The Trojans are already on probation, but wonder how long after Kiffin leaves they will be punished further for what he is doing now.

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But seriously, Lane Kiffin has never had a really successful season as a coach, he has left messes to clean up at every job he leaves, and he keeps getting better and better positions.  Either the man knows where the bodies are buried, or he has some really incriminating pictures.

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Ralphs Grocery has pleaded no contest to overcharging customers for prepackaged and weighed products at stores in Los Angeles. Apparently the packages weighed considerably less than what they stated on the label. And thousands of women heard this story and responded,  “Oh, I must have the same scale Ralph’s does.”

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Egyptian President Mubarak says if he resigns “there will be chaos. And we thought former President  George W. Bush was out of touch with reality.

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As the situation in Egypt deteriorates and the violence against journalists escalates, anyone up for taking a collection to pay for personal coverage from Cairo by Glenn Beck?

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Comments: 3 Comments

Shivering towards Spring…

Posted February 3, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: ,

On college football’s national “Letter of Intent” day, the top four schoools as far as signees were Florida State, Alabama, Auburn and USC.

And curiously enough at none of the four was a flake of snow to be found today.

Although for that matter, at none of the top four schools did the signed letter of intent indicate any intent to actually go to any classes.

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As baseball’s Spring Training approaches, many in the San Francisco area are worried out loud about what might happen this year with the Giants. “Will all the attention and the pressure of being World Series champions make it harder for the team to succeed this year?” And on the North Side of Chicago fans are saying “Oh, STFU.”

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Okay, fans of the NBA equivalent of train wrecks – who wants to see the Washington Wizards travel to Cleveland to take on the Cavaliers? (They can’t BOTH lose, can’t they?”)

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Ines Sainz, the television reporter who was allegedly harrassed by the New York Jets in their locker room, is covering the Super Bowl. And was dressed for Media Day in a sequined micro-mini dress with stiletto heels. Can’t imagine why she would have a problem with players taking her seriously….

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In Devon, England, a Scottish man was sentenced to 24 months supervision (probation) after he pled guilty to charges of having sex with a horse. It’s a good news for the Royal family that Prince Charles probably has diplomatic immunity. (Yes, i know, mean, but somebody’s got to do it.)

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Former USC quarterback, Mitch Mustain, who left the school early for this year’s NFL draft, was arrested late Tuesday night on suspicion of selling prescription drugs. Mustain wanted to be the next Mark Sanchez, looks like he’s more likely to be the next Todd Marinovich.

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A CNN.com story about the new camaraderie between Rush Limbaugh and Elton John is titled “Unlikely Bedfellows.” Sorry, for those of us with visual minds, that’s a really scary headline.

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The Washington Post is reporting that Redskins owners Dan Snyder is trying to get a reporter from a small newspaper fired. The reporter in question wrote a long piece about all the things that have gone wrong during Snyder’s tenure. Here’s a suggestion if Dan wants a positive story written instead – “Sell the team.”

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Lou Pinella has signed on with the San Francisco Giants as a special assistant. No word on his exact duties yet, but manager Bruce Bochy hopes to use him as a designated dirt kicker.

Comments: 2 Comments

Pitchers and catchers report, and then…

Posted February 2, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

Manny Ramirez told a Florida reporter he is in “great shape” after working out extensively this off-season. I guess that means he’s lost all that pregnancy weight.

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Ramirez also says he is really happy to be back in the American League and with the Rays for 2011. Over-under on when he gets unhappy and starts sulking? I’m guessing about early July?

(WordPress keeps all comments indefinitely so if any readers want to weigh in, can reference your pick on the day Manny starts whining, and give you bragging rights.)

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Another question?  What will happen first, Manny starting to act like a   sulky child, or the Cubs being eliminated from playoff contention?

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There’s been an ice storm in Texas this week, and temperatures are way below normal.  In fact, folks in Dallas haven’t seen anything this cold since the Cowboys’ offense.

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So because of the weather in Dallas, the Green Bay Packers will be practicing indoors tomorrow. What is it with these wimpy teams who clearly aren’t used to the cold?

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Mitt Romney says his wife thinks he should run for president. Makes sense, now that he’s retired and finished writing his book, she’s tired of having him around the house.

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Apparently, Marc Mezvinksky, Chelsea Clinton’s new husband, is taking a few months off from his investment banker job to be a ski bum. Well, now that he’s married a President’s daughter, I guess Mezvinsky decided to spend his time doing something more socially responsible.

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Regarding this Florida judge Vinson who says the entire Obama healthcare reform package is unconstitutional: So to avoid any conflict of interest I assume the 70 year old judge will give up his own lifetime government healthcare package, and look for private insurance to go along with his Medicare?

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A new study says that having your team in the Super Bowl could be dangerous to your health, because your emotional response to the game could trigger a preexisting heart condition and lead to cardiac arrest. Which means that while painful, it’s at least healthier these days to be a 49ers or Raiders fan.

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Rush Limbaugh is now wondering why “Pharoah Obama” didn’t see the problems in Egypt coming? With all due respect, Rush Limbaugh is a Ph**king idiot and a Phraud.

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Snow place like home…

Posted February 1, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Once again, some airlines are pre-emptively cancelling flights today because snow MIGHT cause delays at the airport.  (While other carriers are still -operating flights between the same cities at the same time.)

This will nonetheless cost these airlines some big bucks. Which will likely mean only one thing – stay tuned for “weather fees.”

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The King’s Speech is now the front-runner for Best Picture. And it seems to resonate with Americans. Of course, we know all too well that when someone ends up in charge just because they are their father’s son, it’s easy to end up with an inarticulate leader.

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British tennis fans are really unhappy after Andy Murray’s loss at the Australian Open to Novak Djokovic.  The match had been considered a a great chance for the country’s first male Grand Slam event win in 75 years.

75 years of misery?!.  “Wimps,”  responded Cubs fans.

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Yet another storm is expected to close New York airports for much of the remainder of the week and potentially into the weekend. Wonder how the NFL feels these days about the decision to put the 2014 Super Bowl in the Meadowlands.

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Chicago O’Hare airport may also be closed for a while. Well at least Bears and Jets fans have no need to fly to Dallas.

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As far as I can tell, this year’s version of “the Bachelor” seems to be about nonstop crying. Are we sure John Boehner isn’t somehow involved?

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Sarah Palin says she is now happy about the media proposing to boycott her, because this way it will “keep me from being blamed for Egypt.” Actually, Sarah, most of the media is laying odds as to whether or not you could find Egypt on a map.

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At the Safari Club International Convention in Nevada, Sarah Palin warned gun owners to “keep tabs on the White House,” and “just think if we had stricter gun control laws.” Yes, I’m thinking about it, and we’d have six people still alive in Arizona, for starters.

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Well, Jay Leno hasn’t “friended” me. But he did use this joke, which I posted on Facebook and on my blog Dec 28, almost word for word tonight: The Chilean miners are all heading to Disney World on an expense-paid trip that Disney has donated. So these men survived over two months being trapped underground; now comes the real test, how will they do on a few back-to-back rides on “It’s a Small World?”

Comments: 3 Comments

Monkey business…

Posted January 31, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
(including  with this blog font today… but in any case, the show must go on.)
Georgia GOP congressman Jack Kingston stated on the Bill Maher show that he does not believe in the evolution, saying – “I believe I came from God, not from a monkey” “We’re happy not to take the blame on this one”, responded the monkey lobby.

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Like a lot of Americans, didn’t see the Pro Bowl, but from reading the summary sounds like this year the players might have actually cared less than the fans.

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Celtics coach Doc Rivers was fined an additional $15,000 for not leaving the court quickly enough after being ejected. Good thing MLB never had that rule in effect, Bobby Cox, amongst others, might have ended up with a net negative salary many years.

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Tiger Woods had his worst finish ever at Torrey Pines, meaning another step backwards for the world’s former #1 golfer since the discovery of his “extracurriculars” destroyed his image and his marriage. Which brings up the question again – Was that secret life Tiger’s real performance enhancing drug?

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Martin Luther King, III, said he may buy a stake in the New York Mets, and help bring the team back to the World Series. And somewhere from above a voice is saying “Son, I had a dream, but you’re living in fantasy land.”

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On Fox News Sunday, John Boehner says he cries “because he cares so much.” Where is Dana Carvey’s “Church Lady” when you need her? “Well, isn’t that special!”

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In London, entrepreneurs are selling,  amongst other gee-gaws and tea towels, souvenir condoms for the Royal Wedding.  Whatever you think of the monarchy, it does, er, stimulate the British economy.
The Screen Actors Guild gave Ernest Borgnine, 94, a lifetime achievement award. Of course, part of the achievement is that he’s still living.

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While I generally believe travel is safe, there are no sure things. (Including staying home.) But how many people this winter thought of a warm weather vacation, looked at the violence in Mexico and decided, let’s finally do that Egyptian vacation instead?

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Comments: 5 Comments

A few winners, a lot of losers.

Posted January 29, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized

 Why reading is important: O.J. Mayo now said “an energy drink he bought at a gas station” was responsible for the failed drug test that led to his NBA ten game suspension. Really? Had he read the newspapers in the past few months he could have just said his father gave him some vitamins.

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All of the publicity from the 13 Iowa football players hospitalized due to overly strenuous workouts might make a difference in the Big 10 next year. Unfortunately that difference will probably just be the rest of the teams in the conference practicing harder to keep up. 

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The Egyptian government is trying to cut off all internet access to the country. Wouldn’t it have been easier to just switch all Egyptian citizens over to AOL?

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The Kings of Leon and “Glee’s” creator have been engaged in a war of words, after the band refused to allowed their music to be covered by the show, ” because they said it was “selling out.” Right, as opposed to the artistic merits of using a Kings of Leon song in a Jetta commercial.

(the song, for those who can’t remember or simply choose to forget, is “Molly’s Chamber.)

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George W. Bush says now he is “through with” and “uninterested in” politics. Sounds like he’s just about as engaged as he was when he was President.

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Charlie Sheen is back in rehab. Shouldn’t he have amassed enough points for a free stay by now?

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Okay, however this lawsuit comes out, here’s a question – was there anyone before this week who actually went to Taco Bell for the meat?

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And for anyone who thought San Francisco went crazy when the Giants were in the World Series… see below:

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From Bill Littlejohn: A week later, fans in Chicago have not gotten over the NFC Championship game, and are still burning Jay Cutler jerseys outside of Soldier Field. Apparently they have to constantly relight the jerseys, because the fires kept quitting.

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One of the few good things….

Posted January 28, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: ,

..about this ridiculous Super Bowl hype and endless countdown – once the game is over we’ll be only about a week from pitchers and catchers reporting for Spring Training.

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Though actually this year we get a bonus – the Green Bay Packers are on the front page, and Brett Favre’s decisions are not involved.

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One of this year’s Super Bowl commercials will feature both Justin Bieber and Ozzy Osbourne. Okay, I don’t know about the “good,” but we’ve certainly got the “bad” and the “ugly” down.

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Due to a U2 concert conflict, an interleague game next June between the attendance-challenged Florida Marlins and the lowly Seattle Mariners will be moved from Miami to Seattle. This is a major disappointment for both fans who were planning to buy tickets.

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The average Super Bowl ticket price on Stubhub is now over $3000.  Geez. For that amount you could get two bleacher tickets to a regular season Yankees games.

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Canadian’s defense minster Peter MacKay is facing some criticism for saying in a videotaped chat with Arnold Schwarzenegger that “British Columbia and California share a border.” And Sarah Palin retorted, “Give the guy a break, it’s not like the terrorists don’t already know that.”

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Taco Bell is fighting back against a lawsuit claiming their taco filling is only 35 percent beef with front page ads around the country saying it is actually 88 percent beef. Considering that “beef” is defined by the FDA as just about anything that comes out of a cow, maybe we’d all be better off if there really were 65 percent “other” filler.

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So let’s be real here, how many male political commentators are really hoping and praying that Michele Bachmann joins Sarah Palin in running for President in 2012? Object of course – a MILF cat fight/smackdown.

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The NHL is on its All Star Break, which means tonight about as many Americans are watching televised hockey as during the rest of the regular season.

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One of this year’s Super Bowl commercials will feature both Justin Bieber and Ozzy Osbourne. Okay, I don’t know about the “good,” but we’ve certainly got the “bad” and the “ugly” down.

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This very gracious message just in today from George W. Bush: “While I admittedly have not been as focused on politics as I was when I was President, and while I have some differences with Barack Obama, I do want to wish him good luck before he makes his very important State of the Union speech.”

The statement was particularly surprising because it’s the first time anyone’s heard  W. say he was focused on politics when he was President.

 

 

Open note to United Airlines: Updates are nice, but when you are sitting on a delayed plane where you have already received messages saying it will leave at 745p and then 800p, and then at 813p you get an email saying the flight will now leave at 815p… here’s a hint – everyone who cares has probably figured that out.

Finally, an ex-Floridian joke, apologies if  too “inside baseball.”  So now that former Tea-Party darling Marco Rubio has won his Senate seat over Charlie Crist and Kendrick Meek, he has both been a no-show at the Tea-Party caucus, and hired a DC GOP insider-lobbyist as his chief of staff. Not surprised, the only “change he can believe in” has always seemed to be change lining Rubio’s pockets.

Comments: 3 Comments

Threat levels

Posted January 27, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

The U.S. Government will be getting rid of the color coded threat-level warnings. Apparently John Boehner felt that it was racial profiling to refer to threat level “Orange.”.

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Jimmy Buffett has been hospitalized in stable condition after falling off a stage during a concert in Sydney, Australia. No word on what triggered the fall, maybe he was searching for his lost shaker of salt?

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127 hours” was a semi-surprise nomination for Best Picture. Let’s hope it’s also not the length of this year’s Oscar telecast.

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NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said that if there is a work stoppage he will cut his $10 million salary to $1. Of course, he didn’t add that if the owners break the Players union they will give him a $20 million bonus.

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A recent Danish study involving over 300,00 women found that having an abortion does not increase the risk of mental health problems, but having a baby does. Especially when that baby grows up to be a teenager.

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You cannot make this stuff up department: A travel client who probably flies 50,000 miles a year asked me for a nonstop flight from San Francisco to D.C. But she added, if it were cheaper, she would take a connection, as long as it departed and arrived at about the same times.

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Interior Secretary Ken Salazar was not at the State of the Union address last night, but denied rumors that saying he was planning to leave his post.  Apparently he just couldn’t get a date.

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So after all these SOTU “dates” last night, here’s the real question in Washington: which of these dates will result in a rose?

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from Marc Ragovin:  It was so refreshing to see that spirit of bipartisanship at the State of the Union. Indicted felons were sitting next to paroled felons.

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And this commie pinko quote was passed on to me by Erin Grove.

“Should any political party attempt to abolish social security, unemployment insurance, and eliminate labor laws and farm programs, you would not hear of that party again in our political history. There is of course a tiny splinter group that believes you can do these things. …Their number is negligible and they are stupid.”

Who said it?  Former president Dwight David Eisenhower.

Comments: 3 Comments

The State of the Union.

Posted January 26, 2011 by left coast sports babe
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Or as Sarah Palin remarked ‘State of the Union,”  As if.  Everyone knows there are 50 of them.

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And to anyone who by some chance had never seen a color picture of the Speaker of the House before, yes, he IS that orange. Please do not adjust your set.

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One question about all these bi-partisan “dates” Tuesday night at the State of the Union speech – who was supposed to buy who a corsage?

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The President said that we don’t just need to celebrate the winner of the Super Bowl, but also celebrate the winner of the Science Fair. Yeah, easy to say this week for a Bears fan.

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President Obama went out of his way to be inclusive with positive words for all. Fortunately no one spoiled it by asking him about Jay Cutler.

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From Bill Littlejohn:  “Among current and former NFL players that called out Jay Cutler’s toughness in Sunday’s NFC Championship Game was Deion Sanders.That’s like having your country’s toughness questioned by France.”
 

And btw, how come this “individual” liberty that Paul Ryan talked about in the Republican response somehow stops behind the bedroom door and for women in their doctor’s office?

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At a Tea Party event in Iowa, Michele Bachmann said, amongst other things, that our Founding Fathers “worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States.” It’s enough to make you long for the intellectual depth of Sarah Palin.

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A Chicago car salesman wore a Green Bay Packers tie on Monday and was fired. Good thing he didn’t wear a Jay Cutler jersey, the guy might have been fired, tarred and feathered.

(Added Alex Kaseberg, he was thinking of wearing a Cutler jersey, but the jersey took itself out.)

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President Obama talked about the need to improve our country’s educational system, especially in the areas of science and technology. He also said that this was our “Sputnik” moment. Said most Americans “What’s Sputnik?”

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Former Wolverine quarterback Tate Forcier, who was academically ineligible for the Gator Bowl, said that he is considering transfering to Miami, Washington, Baylor, San Diego State, Middle Tennessee State and New Mexico.

Well, we now know the answer to the question “Name at least six schools with lower academic standards for athletes than Michigan”

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