How can we miss you if you won’t stay away?

Posted May 7, 2013 by left coast sports babe
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So now that Mark Sanford has somehow been returned to Congress, how long until he makes his first “family values” speech?

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Another question about South Carolina’s newly re-elected Congressman: Given his his impeachment vote after Bill Clinton lied about HIS affair, how long until Mark Sanford votes to impeach himself?

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Sanford said Tuesday before the polls closed that the election was “in the Lord’s hands.” Right, God made him cheat and then put him on the path to redemption so he can go back to Washington and do things like defend traditional marriage.

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Chris Christie’s office announced that the Governor, trying to lose weight, has undergone a “Lap-Band” procedure. Although when Bill Clinton called to congratulate him Christie had to explain, “Uh Mr. President, that’s BAND, not DANCE.”

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Clarence Thomas said that Barack Obama was “approved by the elites.” Definition of elite – “A group of people considered to be the best in a particular society or category, esp. because of their power, talent, or wealth.” Well, that lets Thomas out.

 

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Turkish Airlines has banned female flight attendants from wearing red lipstick and nail polish. Wonder if anyone thought to extend the ban to male flight attendants?

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Alleged Aurora shooter James Holmes has decided to plead not guilty by reason of insanity. It would have been bigger news if his lawyers had tried to say he was sane.

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A 16 point lead with 4 minutes to play, and Golden State still lost to the San Antonio Spurs in double OT. That fall to earth was so fast maybe they should be renamed the Golden State Meteors.

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Linebacker Matthew Thomas wants Florida State to release him from his scholarship, because “I “didn’t make the decision I really wanted to on signing day.” Thomas now prefers Georgia or USC, saying “I just want to go have fun and play football.” Well, at least he’s not pretending it’s about an education..

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#TitusYoung, waived by the Detroit Lions in Feb, was arrested twice Sunday. Who knew Young wanted that badly to be picked up by the Bengals?

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Just with the barest details emerging about the alleged monsters who kept the three girls imprisoned for over a decade, one question comes to mind: Where’s a pressure cooker bomb when you need one?

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Bill Clinton today called speculation over whether Hillary would run for president in 2016 “the worst expenditure of our time.” Thinking to himself no doubt, “enough about her, let’s talk about me.”

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NY Jets owner Woody Johnson is now saying he’s “extremely happy” to have much-maligned QB Geno Smith. Well, he may have a point. If Smith is as big of a jerk as some rumors indicate, it might make Jets fans start seeing the bright side of Mark Sanchez.

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From  Bill Littlejohn: 

University of Texas pitcher Cory Knebel tried to help an anonymous teammate out with his team-mandated drug test by giving him his urine sample, but the results came back positive for Adderall.  Talk about a blown save.
 
 

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Class, nothing but class.

Posted May 6, 2013 by left coast sports babe
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Chris Christie squished a spider in front of a group of 4th graders, saying “That’s one of the fun parts of being governor. Any bugs on your desk, you’re allowed to kill them and not get in trouble.” Except that the NJ Gov. is taking heat from PETA about it. Wonder how much bipartisan support Christie would get for squishing someone from PETA?

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Class, nothing but class. Reality TV star (if that’s not an oxymoron) Farrah Abraham tweeted that she was “not watching” her”Backdoor Teen Mom” sex tape. Wonder how long it will take before Abraham’s now three-year old daughter sees it….

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Lead Pastor David Loveless has resigned from the 4,000 member Discovery Church in Orlando, after admitting he had an affair. The Orlando Sentinel says he is the third pastor of a major area church to resign because of extra-marital sex in the last six months. Your move, Arizona.

(And as my friend Todd Harris adds, “Let me guess, they all think same sex marriage threatens the institution.”)

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Pfizer will start selling #Viagra online. So where’s the GOP conservative outrage over unmarried men possibly getting the little blue pills?  (And minor girls getting them for their older “friends”?)

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NRA V.P. Wayne LaPierre just said “How many Bostonians wished they had a gun two weeks ago?” And how many Bostonians who just had the misfortune to have been photographed carrying backpacks would have been shot?

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Fired Brooklyn Nets P.J. Carlesimo says it would have taken the team winning a championship to keep his job. “Get in line” responded every fired Cubs manager over the last century..

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You cannot make this “stuff” up: The Air Force’s chief sexual assault prevention officer was arrested over the weekend in Virginia for drunkenly groping a woman.

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A-Rod started his rehabilitation stint and says he hopes to be back in pinstripes after the All-Star break. And Yankees fans are thinking, “No worries, take all the years you need.”

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Celeste Grieg, who said in March that rapes rarely result in pregnancy, because the woman’s “body is traumatized”, was ousted, 84 to 78, as the leader of the Californian Republican Assembly. Not sure if this is a good sign that even a very conservative group has some limits, or a bad sign that 78 of them still support her.

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Helen Mirren, playing Elizabeth II in “The Audience” in London, left the theater in her Queen costume and makeup during intermission to yell at a group of street drummers. The troup was playing so loudly it was distracting theater goers inside.

Maybe we can get Dame Helen to come over and try this Queen act on theater cellphone users?

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Singer Lauryn Hill was sentenced today to 3 months in prison and 3 more months in home confinement for failing to pay taxes. Not that she’s getting off so easy for the second half of her sentence, Hill will be confined at home in New Jersey.

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DE Armonty Bryant, arrested last October for selling $20 worth of marijuana to an undercover officer. thanked the Cleveland Browns for drafting him last week and said he would not let them down. Last night Bryant was arrested for DUI. Maybe that vow should have been a little more specific.

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Sweeping into Monday

Posted May 6, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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The Los Angeles #Dodgers are getting such poor results for $$ spent in 2013, there’s talk of renaming the team the Los Angeles Congress.

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Matt Cain didn’t get his first win until today, May 5, and Giants’ starting pitchers got their first win since April 21. Wonder how many people hearing those stats would imagine that SF would be in first place with a six-game winning streak….

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ESPN showing Pablo Sandoval’s “hot” batting zones: Looks like some sort of random modern art painting.

((for the uninitiated, the SF Giants’ “Panda” will swing at anything, and can hit anything. Even if it just about bounces. Better it seems at balls out of the strike zone than strikes.)

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Yet another injury. NY SS Eduardo Nunez left today’s game with tightness in his left rib cage. Are the Yankees trying to compete with the Dodgers is some bizarre game of Baseball Survivor?

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Proving once again, that a high IQ and education are not mutually exclusive with stupidity: Harvard professor Niall Ferguson suggested in remarks after a speech that John Maynard Keynes’ being homosexual and not having children meant he wasn’t as invested in future generations as others might be.

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Air India has suspended a pilot and two flight attendants after reports that the pilot and co-pilot left the cockpit at the same time for a nap and left the flight attendants in their seats. Guess this is going to put a damper on those cockpit happy hours.

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Still controversy over where to bury the dead Boston bomber. Suppose it would be un-PC to suggest his body be placed in a pressure cooker with explosives and blown up somewhere off the coast of Massachusetts.

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Giant drama.

Posted May 5, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Another walk off win for the SF Giants. 10-9 in ten. Salvaging a night where a possible “MLB The Show” curse caught up with Buster Posey – he hit into a bottom of the ninth inning-ending double play.

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Rough week to be a sports fan in Los Angeles. The Dodgers’ Hanley Ramirez, back on the DL, was on the active roster for less time than the Lakers and Clippers lasted in the playoffs.

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CB Cliff Harris was cut by the NY Jets after he was arrested for marijuana possession. This is the same Harris who was pulled over for driving 118 MPH in 2011 while playing for Oregon, asked “Who’s got the marijuana in the car?” a-nd responded “we smoked it all.” So does 2 + years now count as short-term memory loss?

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Kentucky Derby winning purse – $1,439,800. And the winner himself just gets chicken feed, or rather, horse feed.

(Augie does point out that the winner is probably at least happy with the stud opportunities.)

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Previously unbeaten Kentucky Derby favorite Verrazano, whose owner is from New Jersey,  ended up 14th in the race.   If he doesn’t perform better next race, he’s been threatened with retirement to Jersey.

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At an NRA convention, Sarah Palin spoke of Maggie Thatcher as “her hero.” Even though Thatcher refused to meet with Palin, and as Prime Minister supported gun control — overseeing a bill passed in 1988 outlawing semi-automatic guns. If Baroness Thatcher wasn’t dead, this might have killed her.

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A 35-year-old Arizona grandmother is being held and charged in the death of her 3-year-old grandson, who allegedly shot himself in the face with her handgun. Which she had left in her backpack with her meth pipe. Your move, Florida.

“The Great Gatsby” remake is opening, with Leonardo DiCaprio and Carey Mulligan reprising the roles played in 1974 by Robert Redford and Mia Farrow. Wonder how many people will think, “Great story, will there be a novelized version?”

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A bat that Mickey Mantle used in 1964 will be up for auction. And as confirmed by x-ray, the bat is corked. Once again, can we just put an asterisk on the banner outside the Hall of Fame and be done with it?

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New NRA president Jim Porter has called Barack Obama a “fake president,” referred to the Civil War as “the War of Northern Aggression,” and said that we should train all civilians to use standard military firearms to fight tyranny. Thus perhaps trying to prove the NRA’s stance that the US has a mental health problem not a gun problem.

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TC says  “a  small group of protesters want the NFL to change the name of the Washington Redskins. The league is considering “The District of Columbia Redskins” to appease descendants of the first President.”

 

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Finally a serious note.  43 years ago.  May 4, 1970.  Kent State   The students who were killed would be grandparents by now:  http://www.cleveland.com/metro/index.ssf/2013/05/kent_slayings.html

 

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LA LA land.

Posted May 4, 2013 by left coast sports babe
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Apparently tickets for Friday night’s opening  of the Rolling Stones tour at Staples Center were still available as of the day of the show.. Guess folks in Los Angeles heard the title “50 & Counting” and figured it was a Los Angeles Lakers’ exhibition game.

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But in the end, what was the difference between this year’s Lakers and Clippers?  About a week.

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In England, they are considering a plan to allow private firms to bid on probation contracts, and then only paying those firms if the offenders do not commit further crimes. Perhaps they could try out this scheme on Lindsay Lohan?

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Not to complain, really, but has someone told the SF Giants that it is possible to win a game without coming from behind?

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NY Mets GM Sandy Alderson told a reporter that he hasn’t considered firing managerTerry Collins. Maybe thinking, “If I have to stay and watch this crappy season, so does he.”

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Hillary Clinton has said she just wants to relax for a while and stay home. But Nancy Pelosi said “I pray that Hillary decides to run for president of the United States.” And Bill is thinking “From your lips to God’s ear… and of course she should start on the campaign trail asap….”

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–Louisville men’s basketball coach Rick Pitino has an ownership stake in Kentucky Derby entrant Goldencents. Actually, since the Derby is only for 3 year olds, it has a lot in common with NCAA basketball – one year and you’re done.

(my friend Michael Duca says perhaps the Kentucky Derby has more in common with the NBA – work a little, then stand at stud.)

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–Stories are coming out that Geno Smith, the NY Jets new potential backup QB, may be a “pampered, spoiled brat” in one scout’s words, with a “diva attitude” that caused at least one team to pass on him. And somewhere Tim Tebow is asking himself “is calling this divine retribution a sin?

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The Mailman, delivering again. Quote from Karl Malone on Jason Collins “I’m proud of the young man. Isn’t it time we stopped wasting so much time on what a person prefers?”

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Microsoft has announced that Hotmail is dead. And most people are thinking “Didn’t that happen about 10 years ago?”

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And you think your mom did you wrong with your baseball cards and comic books — Kobe Bryant has filed a lawsuit to try to keep his mother from auctioning off his high school and early Lakers days mementos – items she said he told her he didn’t want any more, but which are worth a reported $1.5 million.

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Mark Sanchez says “no doubt” he expects to be the NYJets’ starting QB next season. Great news. For the rest of the AFC East.

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Cubs owner Tom Ricketts said he would consider moving the team if Wrigley renovation plans fall through. Yesterday, the independent league Schaumburg Boomers, who play in a Chicago suburb, offered to share their 7,536 seat park with the Cubs, on the condition that the Boomers got 1st priority on dates as they are “committed to winning a championship in 2013.”

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Bangladesh’s Finance Minister Abul Maal Abdul Muhith said after the recent factory collapse that killed at least 500, that the disaster would not harm the country’s garment industry “”The present difficulties … well, I don’t think it is really serious… These are individual cases of… accidents. It happens everywhere.” So is this an NRA joke or a Dottie Sandusky joke?

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New York State of Mindlessness?

Posted May 2, 2013 by left coast sports babe
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NY Knicks coach Mike Woodson said he didn’t know in advance and was “upset” that his team wore all black before game 5 of their series with the Celtics.  Apparently Kenyon Martin wanted to mimic a funeral for Boston. Leaving the incredible tackiness aside, the way the Knicks are playing, it might be their own funeral.

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Are the Knicks really TRYING to be more embarassing than the Mets?

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Reese Witherspoon in her apology interview. ” “I have no idea what I was saying that night. I saw him arresting my husband and I literally panicked…I told him I was pregnant. I’m not pregnant. I said all kinds of crazy things… We went out to dinner in Atlanta and we had one too many glasses of wine.” All I can say is that one glass must have been at least a schooner.

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Amanda Bynes told a reporter she has “no clue ” why people say she’s insane. Honey, even Lindsay Lohan thinks you’re insane.

 

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Speaking of Lindsay Lohan, she just apparently blew off her rehab sentence.  Gosh, at this point expect the court to throw the book at her with a really really stern warning.

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Facebook said that on average 665 million people are using the site every day. Wow. That’s about a billion cat pictures.

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First-time claims for unemployment benefits fell to their lowest level in five years last week. I blame Obama.

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Well, at least he’s honest. Will that get him kicked out of the party? Sen. Pat Toomey (R-Pa.) said that some in the GOP opposed expanding gun background checks recently because they didn’t want to “be seen helping the president.”

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Dick Hayhurst, a former pitcher who now works as a broadcast analyst for the Toronto Blue Jays said today that Boston Red Sox pitcher Clay Buchholz was “absolutely” cheating by putting a foreign substance on the ball Wednesday.

Brings to mind Gaylord Perry’s comment when asked if HE put a foreign substance on baseballs – “Nope, Vaseline is made right here in the USA.”

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A new poll said 4 out of 5 Americans do not think the Washington Redskins should change their name. Although 5 out of 5 Redskins fans think the team should change their owner.

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Tweet (and twits) of the week? 

Posted May 1, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Even if you don’t care about baseball, got to love this tweet from Oakland A’s reliever Sean Doolittle (@whatwouldDOOdo): “In the 19th inning of a game that ended at 1:42am local time.  “(sic) Journal entry. Its now the 19th inning. we r out of food & water and weve lost 3 men to injury but morale is high. we need to win soon. SOS.”

 

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More on the 19 inning game.  Gaylord Perry  hinted in his book  “Me and the Spitter,”  that first he tried his “new pitch”  in the 15th inning of a Giants-Mets 23 inning game in 1964.   So maybe we should keep an eye on potential swervy pitches from the A’s Brett Anderson, who pitched 5 1/3 innings of relief Monday night.

 

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Texas A & M announced plans to renovate their football stadium to seat 102,500. Not that we need anything to put football in Texas in perspective, but the population of College Station, TX, where A & M is located, is 95,142.

 

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Oops, a couple idiots in London pushed up a barricade to get into a lower deck at a Gatwick Airport parking garage. Police blew the van up, and discovered “nothing threatening” inside. They believe the men were trying to catch a flight.. Now, this could have been a terrorist dry run. If not and you think missing luggage is the worst thing that can happen at the end of a trip….

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Three days until the Kentucky Derby. Always a big event for the NBA. Since finally the spotlight is on athletes who have more out-of-wedlock offspring than their players.

 

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General Petraeus’s biographer and ex-mistress Paula Broadwell said today she has made some mistakes but is returning to her “faith-based” roots.” And that she is looking for “meaningful work not publicity.” Just guessing not too many wives would sign off on her doing any more biographies.

 

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Apparently Ted Cruz is considering a run for President in 2016. Even though he was born in Canada to a Cuban father and U.S. mother. Well, at least Cruz is consistent in his demonstrated mastery of the U.S. Constitution.

 

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Robert Griffin III says he will not keep playing the next time he has an injury; he claims that he has learned from his “mistakes.” If so, he might be one of the only NFL players who has.

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The SF 49ers have signed British Olympic discus finalist Lawrence Okoye, who has never played football. Well, makes sense, NFL teams sign student-athletes all the time who have never been students.

 

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From T.C.  “The PGA has dropped doping case against Vijay Singh over deer antler spray. It is no longer on the list of banned substances. Insiders say that Tiger never used it, but may have at one time hit on a waitress named Bambi.”

 

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Send in the clowns.

Posted April 30, 2013 by left coast sports babe
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And so it begins. Tebow is gone but NY Jets GM John Idzik said today that all 5 remaining QBs will have a chance to compete to be the starter. If this keeps up, Barnum and Bailey’s will sue the Jets for unlawfully running a competing circus.–

 

From Lizz Winstead   “Dear Homophobic Male Athletes: Wake up. Where there are gay men, there are always a lot more women.”

Exactly. And they make great wingmen. And they’re the only teammates you can count on not to hit on your wife/girlfriend.

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Then this line from Ellen Degeneres:  “Good line from Ellen DeGeneres about NBA center Jason Collins: “It was especially hard for Jason to come out of the closet because he had to duck”
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Jason Collins’ former fiancee says she had no idea during their 8-year relationship that he was gay. Well, he might be a bit young for her, but Manti T’eo is available.
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From  reader Maaj.  ” Obama called Jason Collins “courageous” and Clinton called him a “good man,” while Kim Kardashian called him her “greatest challenge yet.”
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#WillieNelson is 80. So assume he is singing “To all the girls I loved before. Though I can’t remember who they are….”
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QB Geno Smith fired his agent Jeff Nalley after he wasn’t drafted in the first round. Guess Nalley didn’t show him the money.
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SF Giants come from behind 2-1 victory tonight. In about a third of the time the Oakland A’s took for their win last night.

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Bill O’Reilly said that Fox News “stands alone here in bringing skepticism to the president.” Jon Stewart has reportedly sent O’Reilly a package of Daily Show chopped liver.

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Mitt Romney gave a graduation speech at Southern Virginia University last weekend, and advised them to marry young and have “a quiver full of kids.” And presumably borrow money from your parents to help raise them?

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Paul Ryan says he has changed his mind after voting in 1999 for a same-sex couple adoption ban, and now says he thinks gay couples should be able to adopt children. Translation, Ryan can read the tea leaves and is running for President in 2016.

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Stanford QB Josh Nunes is retiring from football due to “pectoralis major tendon” injury when he accidentally dropped weights on his chest while doing bench presses. Over at the SF Giants, Jeremy Affeldt has been told to stay away from the weight room.

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Two days until the Run for the Roses. Otherwise known to most Americans as their only chance to down several mint juleps in a day.

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Collinsanity?

Posted April 29, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes
Tags: , , , , , ,

Congrats to Jason Collins for his decision.  While  most Americans knew this day was coming for some male athletes , someone had to say  “It’s me”  instead of  “me, too.”

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And okay, there’s a first time for everything.  Kudos to Kobe Bryant.  For being one of the first players to tweet support.

(any regular or even semi-regular reader knows I am NOT usually a Kobe fan.)

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So far mostly positive reaction from NBA players to Jason Collins’ coming out as gay. And hope those who might condemn him as going against their Christian ideal of heterosexual monogamy, have realized they’ve already survived having teammates with several baby mamas.

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From Gary Bachman:   “Breaking news: a male professional ice skater has come out that he is straight.”

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Hope someone signs Jason Collins asap and that he gets a lot of standing ovations when introduced in 2013. #Collinsanity

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To be fair, Jason Collins already has known what it’s like to face public embarrassment.  He spent last season with the Washington Wizards.

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Thinking after this season a whole lot of NBA players now might rather have Jason Collins on their team than Dwight Howard.

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Another nice thing about the Jason Collins story. Knocked the NFL right off the front page. Had the league known he was coming out today, wonder if they’d have asked the Jets to wait a day to release Tim Tebow?

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And the best thing about Jason Collins’ announcement for Los Angeles basketball fans: It knocks the Lakers’ abysmal performance in the postseason right out of the sports headlines.

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President Obama called Jason Collins “to express his support and said he was impressed by his courage.” Part of Barack’s continuing effort to make Rush Limbaugh’s head explode. Oh wait, Rush had Elton John sing at his last wedding. Never mind….

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The NBA relocation committee has voted unanimously to keep the Sacramento Kings from relocating to Seattle. And down in Los Angeles they’re thinking “Take our Lakers, please.”

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S&P 500 had a record close today, and Nasdaq is at its highest level in more than 12 years. I blame Obama.

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Metta World Peace defending Dwight Howard. “I think we (the Lakers) put a little too much pressure on Dwight.” Gosh, did they take away Howard’s blankee too?

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So in response to a debate question about his vote to impeach Bill Clinton, Mark Sanford tonight responded “Do you think that President Clinton should be condemned for the rest of his life for a mistake he made?” Uh, Mr. Sanford, the point is that YOU thought the answer to that question was “yes.”

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The #NYJets released #TimTebow today. Can’t wait to see the press conference when Mark Sanchez fumbles his response.

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Cleanliness is next to impossible?

Posted April 28, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Greg Norman said that golf’s lack of anti-doping procedures is “disgraceful” “They’re putting a black eye on their sport. If a sport gets itself clean, the corporate dollars will always be there because people will know it’s a sport they can trust.”

Right, so then golf can be a “clean” corporate sport  like the NFL. Where a drug suspension will still give you time to get back for the Pro Bowl.

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“Nasty, brutish and short.” The title of a documentary about the Los Angeles Lakers in the 2014 postseason?

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Apparently Homeland Security, looking for money to bolster security, is asking for a feasibility stuff about charging visitors from Canada to enter the U.S. Right, so we have more protection from all those dangerous Canadians.

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The Big Ten has voted to realign in 2014 with new conference divisions “East” and “West.” So “Legends” and “Leaders” will be gone. “We’ll really miss them” said absolutely nobody.

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John McCain is now suggesting that the Syrian people would “take revenge” on the U.S if we don’t attack to oust Assad. Right, as opposed to all the countries where people will take revenge on us because we DID get involved in their internal politics.

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The NFL draft is over. So how will the league steal headlines from MLB and the NBA now?

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The Rolling Stones are about to kick off yet another farewell tour. Wonder if Mick and company plan to open their concerts with “Shuffling Jack Flash?”

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Will the subtitle of the band’s latest tour be “Stone Age?”

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Dwight Howard got himself ejected in the third quarter of the Lakers’ loss to the Spurs tonight. But if the ref really wanted to punish Howard, he should have made him stay and play till the end of the rout.

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So what was the difference between the Magic and the Lakers this year?  About a week.

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Tweets and twits.

Posted April 28, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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(Belated post that should have been posted last Wednesday…. better late than never?)

 

Controversy over all the tweets Kobe Bryant sent during game 1 of the Los Angeles-San Antonio series… Apparently he missed being part of the team. No worries, with the next week of the NBA playoffs, Kobe and his Lakers teammates will all be able to sit and tweet together.

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Anthony Weiner, hoping to ride the road to redemption all the way to New York’s mayoral office, said today there MIGHT be more sexts out there. “If reporters want to go try to find more, I can’t say that they’re not going to be able to find another picture or find another person…” Who does Weiner think he is, Tiger Woods?‘

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One of those lovely moments reminding us why baseball is the best sport tonight. (And not just because the Dodgers lost). The final, at Citi Field, was NY Mets 7, LA Dodgers 3. In 10 innings. Which means baseball fans instantly KNOW what the game winning hit was.

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Mike Shanahan said that from now on RGIII “never plays if he’s not 100 percent.” So does this mean Griffin is retiring after the season opener?

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Capital One Financial Corp. is paying $3.5 million to settle federal civil charges of underreporting losses on auto loans in 2007. What does that mean? Credit card fees are going up.

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Don’t look now, but the 2013 Houston Astros, this year’s favorite baseball punchline, now have one more win than the Chicago Cubs.

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Orlando Predators QB Kyle Rowley was arrested for DUI after he was allegedly found “passed out” in an parked SUV at 5am at an Orlando apartment complex entrance. Is the the Arena Football League star’s way of telling the world he thinks he’s NFL ready?

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Star guard Russ Smith is staying at Louisville aiming to become his family’s first college graduate. Apparently after talking with coach Rick Pitino about his pro prospects, Smith decided his game needed more development.” What’s that T.S. Eliot line about “the right thing for the wrong reason?

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David Petraeus will become a visiting professor this fall at Macaulay honors college at the City University of New York. So after the biography mess, he decided to take a position where there’s no chance of getting involved with starry-eyed young women?

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Will the George W. Bush library be the first library to open without any books?

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Three people were burned when two barges loaded with natural gas on Alabama’s Mobile River apparently exploded tonight. On the brighter side, this happened near where the disabled Carnival Triumph is dry docked, so it gave CNN reporters something to do.

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Nerd prom?

Posted April 28, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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Last night at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, President Obama joked “”These days, I look in the mirror and I have to admit, I’m not the strapping young Muslim socialist I used to be.” And over at Fox News, they’re saying “See, he admits it.”

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Sarah Palin slammed the 2013 White House Correspondents’ Dinner as “pathetic” and bashed the “DC assclowns” who showed up for a “nerdprom.” Translation, this year nobody invited her.

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In the 5th round of the NFL draft, the Seattle Seahawks selected LSU CB Tharold Simon, just two days after Simon’s arrest on disorderly conduct type charges. Guess Pete Carroll figures he should be able to handle petty criminal behavior after all those years at USC.

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You think you have a rough year at work in front of you? How about Miriam Conrad, 56, a longtime Boston public defender, who just agreed to represent Dzhokhar Tsarnaev..

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Wow, just what Syracuse QB Ryan Nassib wanted to hear from GM Jerry Reese after the NY Giants drafted him. “We have Eli in the prime of his career and you actually hope this quarterback (Nassib) never plays. We hope Eli plays for a long, long time.’’

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Matt Barkley to the Philadelphia Eagles. Well, with Zach Ertz also chosen by the team, at least the practice field should be an interesting place on the day of the USC-Stanford game.

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Hooters restaurants are trying to make themselves over as the restaurant chain hits 30. Guess management thinks things have gotten a little saggy.

 

–If the San Francisco Giants keep up their streak of errors that result in losses, think the club will have to add asterisks when they sell and auction off those so-called “game-used gloves.”

 

Former SF Giant Jonathan Sanchez was fined and suspended for six games after hitting the St. Louis Cardinals” Allen Craig with a pitch Friday. The suspension might have been longer, but those who have followed Sanchez’s career found it hard to decide absolutely that the lefty has the control to deliberately hit anybody.

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Now Metta World Peace is likely out for game 4. Will the last member of the Los Angeles Lakers to leave Staples Center please leave the lights on for the Clippers?

 

Before the Lakers head off into the sunset, this thought from Bill Littlejohn: “Dwight Howard got his 9,000th rebound, 14 days faster than Wilt Chamberlain. By the way, Wilt’s 9,000th rebound was a Knicks cheerleader recently dumped by her boyfriend.”

 

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Todd Akin, asked about his “legitimate rate” comment that cost him re-election, said “Of course you regret it. You think, ‘Well, what would it have been like if I hadn’t done that?’” Now,Akin didn’t say that he thought he was wrong, just that he regretted saying it.

Comments: 1 Comment

On the clock

Posted April 27, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Former Oregon coach Chip Kelly drafted former Stanford star Zach Ertz. Guess Kelly always wanted to know what it was like to coach a student-athlete.

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LSU CB Tharold Simon, projected to be drafted Friday, was arrested last night in his Louisiana hometown on charges of threatening a police officer, public intimidation and noise violation. So was this Simon’s last ditch effort to be drafted by the Bengals?

(Simon update,  not drafted yet at time of posting.  Maybe better to save your arrests until you actually are part of the NFL?)

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As of Friday night, is Matt Barkley looking into whether or not he has another year of eligibility at #USC?

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From Alex Kaseberg:  The San Diego Chargers selected Manti Te’o. Or is it just somebody on twitter and Facebook pretending to be the San Diego Chargers?

(At least T’eo didn’t get drafted by the NY Jets. Who these days are pretending to be a professional football team.)

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And with Manti T’eo to the San Diego Chargers, expect opposing stadiums to cue the “California Dreaming” music.

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A U.S. brother and sister are recovering after a 14-hour swim to safety in St. Lucia when their boat sank during a fishing excursion. The pair are thinking it could have been worse – at least they hadn’t booked a Carnival Cruise.

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Gwyneth Paltrow told Ellen Degeneres that she was “humiliated” by a see-through dress she wore to the Premiere of Iron Man. Here’s a hint Gwyneth, it IS possible to try clothes on in front of a mirror.

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Coach Rick Pitino had to get a tattoo after he promised to get inked if his Louisvlle Cardinals won the National Championship. Well, at least that’s one worry no one ever has managing the Chicago Cubs.

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Los Angeles #Lakers against the San Antonio #Spurs. As far as Jack Nicholson is concerned, it’s Too Few Good Men.

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Air traffic delays fixed. Now if we could figure out a way to REALLY make the sequester hurt members of Congress we’d have the whole budget settled in a week.

(My friend Keith Odgen suggests furloughing their staff.)

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The sequester continues, but Congress managed to fix the furloughs that involved air travel. Which is good news for travelers. And bad news for airlines who are losing a major excuse for delays.

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So much yellow at Oracle Arena for the Denver Nuggets-Golden State Warriors game last night – almost as if the Oregon Duck exploded.

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So Lindsey Graham is now trying to blame the Boston bombings on Obama by saying the suspects should have been under closer surveillance. Considering that the FBI Watch List has about 500,000 people on it, would Senator Graham like to discuss 1- How that’s logistically possible? 2- How are we going to pay for it?

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Captain Courageous?

Posted April 25, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

At a press conference today in Yankee Stadium, Derek Jeter vowed to return to the field in 2013. Of course he didn’t say whether it might be to throw out a ceremonial first pitch.

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Some are openly questioning how the alleged Boston bomber’s wife could be so completely in the dark about  her husband’s secret life. At least no one’s asked for a public comment from Hillary Clinton.

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LeBron James, on finishing second to Marc Gasol for the NBA’s Defensive Player of the Year award: “It sucks. It definitely sucks, though, finishing second. Who wants to finish second?” Well, this ought to take care of Lebron’s reputation for whining.

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Shocking story about a baby in Delhi sold twice on Facebook. Many Indians can’t believe it. They figured babies were only sold on Ebay.

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The  NFL Draft started Thursday. W ell, it was about time football finally got some #ESPN coverage.

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Wonder how many SEC players who got drafted are due for a pay cut?

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Really? Ebay is emailing all members telling us to tell Congress “No” on proposed online sales tax legislation, as it is “wrongheaded”, “unfair” and a “burden” for small businesses. Except that businesses with less than $1 mill. a year in online sales would be exempt. Guess it depends on what the definition of “small” is.

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Now the media is reporting “Carnival Cruise ship evacuated.” The story, after barge explosions on the Mobile River, crew members who are living on the Carnival Triumph while it is being repaired were taken off for safety reasons. Dear Gawd. When the ship is repaired will they report on the number of people with hangovers and upset stomachs from overindulging on board?

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Stockholm police apparently found illegal narcotics on Justin Bieber’s tour bus. So is this enough for the U.S. to deport him back to Canada

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The alleged Boston bombers’ mother says she believes that the bombing was fake, “a show,” and that the blood was “paint.” Wow. Even U.S. Conspiracy theorists are impressed. What’s next, a talk radio gig?

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Asked if her son Jeb should run for President, Barbara Bush responded “He’s by far the best qualified man, but no. We’ve had enough Bushes. It’s not just four families, or whatever” Hmm, maybe the Bush we should have elected was Barbara.

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Stanford LB Alex Debniak gave an interesting and articulate pre-draft interview on local radio today. Although he did say at one point “Me and my agent…” Quick, check for academic fraud.

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Guess  Manti T’eo being a first round draft pick was as much of an illusion as the Notre Dame star’s girlfriend. #NFLDraft

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Comments: 1 Comment

Oh, brother.

Posted April 23, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

It appears that Dzhokhar Tsarnaev fatally injured his brother by running over him in an SUV as he escaped. So will Dzohkhar ask for leniency because he killed an enemy of the U.S.?

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The Yankees announced that Derek Jeter, 38, will be in a walking boot at a news conference Thursday. Either that or he will be in a walker. Not sure.

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In 2011, the West Fertilizer company filed a report with the EPA saying there was no risk of fire or explosion at the plant, and “The worst-case release scenario would be the release of the total contents of a storage tank released as a gas over 10 minutes.” In other words, this is Texas, we don’t need no stinkin’ regulations.

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Anthony  Weiner has a new Twitter account. Presumably a condition of activating it was giving his wife the password.

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Apparently the new name of the four-team playoff that starts after the NCAA 2014 football season will be the “College Football Playoff.” Translation. No one’s bid enough for naming rights yet.

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Great quote from Nevada State Senator Kelvin Atkinson, as he came out to his colleagues while they were debating a same-sex marriage bill. “I know this is the first time many of you have heard me say that I am a black, gay male. If this (bill) hurts your marriage, then your marriage was in trouble in the first place.”

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Day two of the NBA playoffs. There is something wrong with a postseason that lasts longer than a Kardashian marriage.

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Nice truism from my friend Jim Barach.  “A report warns that the “cinnamon challenge”, where people try to swallow a spoonful of cinnamon can be dangerous to a person’s health. However, it is still not as dangerous as eating a cinnamon roll from Cinnabon.”

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Senator Max Baucus, 71, announced his retirement. Responded Senator John McCain -“So young?”

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California Lt. Gov. Gavin Newsom has decided to endorse Democrat Ro Khanna, 36, who is running for Congress against 7-term incumbent Mike Honda, 72, also a Democrat. Gosh, can’t imagine why Newsom thinks an older politician should step aside for an ambitious younger one..

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The U.S. Department of Justice has joined the suit against Lance Armstrong, saying that by his cheating he defrauded and damaged the post office. Maybe they could settle, however, if Armstrong could get the USPS some performance enhancing drugs.

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Former Senator Bob Dole said in a recent interview that the Republican Party needs to learn that “compromise is not a bad word.” And most of the GOP House members responded, “Bad? More like a profanity.”

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Over the line?

Posted April 22, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,

Reese Witherspoon arrested for disorderly conduct when her husband was arrested for DUI. Not exactly her best performance in Walk the Line

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Ok, this statement from Reese Witherspoon. “I clearly had one drink too many and I am deeply embarrassed about the things I said. It was definitely a scary situation and I was frightened for my husband, but that is no excuse. I was disrespectful to the officer who was just doing his job. I have nothing but respect for the police and I’m very sorry for my behavior.” What? No blame on someone else? How does she call herself a celebrity.

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T.C.’s comment-   “Apparently, Reese Witherspoon was beligerent when her husband was arrested for DUI. She asked the cop “Do you know who I am???” He replied, “Yes, you’re Al Michaels”.

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South Carolina’s 1st Congressional District hasn’t elected a Democrat since 1961 but Elizabeth Colbert Busch is now leading Mark Sanford by 9 points in the polls. Maybe proving that even though you can make all kinds of anti-woman comments, it IS just possible to be enough of a douchebag that they won’t vote for you.

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American  golfers Dustin Johnson and Zach Johnson have pulled out of the Ballantine’s Championship in South Korea this week citing safety concerns. Although with all due respect, the U.S. tournament this week is the Zurich Classic in New Orleans, where they are statistically more likely to be shot.

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After 11 NFL seasons, LB Scott Fujita announced his retirement today when he signed a one-day contract with New Orleans so he could retire as a Saint. New York fans immediately started pleading with Mark Sanchez to sign such a one-day contract with the Jets.

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Lakers’ coach Mike D’Antoni said L.A. needs Steve Nash to upset the Spurs. Now I like Steve Nash as much as I dislike Kobe. But to pull off this upset? I think they need the Nash of about 5-10 years ago.

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A new report published in Pedriatics says at least 30 teenagers needed medical attention last year after trying the “cinnamon challenge.” Which is trying to swallow a spoonful of ground cinnamon in 60 seconds without water. Great, just what we need – driver’s licenses required to make purchases in the spice aisle.

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NY State Sen. Greg Ball posted on Twitter that “who wouldn’t want to use torture against the surviving Boston terror suspect?” Uh, leaving aside the moral implications, and that fact that this is not a movie or “24” episode, could we at least wait and see if he answers voluntarily?

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SF Giants didn’t have a walkoff win until April 19. Now they have 2 in 4 days. Are they trying to become the official baseball team of Just For Men?

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There have been several flight delays on the East Coast due to FAA controllers being furloughed with sequestration budget cuts. Can’t we schedule these furloughs where they are most deserved – at whatever time members of Congress are trying to fly home for the weekend?

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From Terry Etter:  “Because the budget crisis has caused some air traffic controllers to be laid off, the FAA says we can expect flight delays of up to 3 and 1/2 hours this summer. So who knew that having fewer traffic controllers would shorten airline delays.”

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CB Darrelle Revis, traded from the Jets to the Buccaneers, promised that Tampa Bay “will make a lot of noise” in the 2013 season. Well, with Revis on the team “noise” is a given. Winning, on the other hand…

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Auburn’s AD Jay Jacobs responded to an online report that accused their 2011 BCS champion team of altering grades and bribing players by saying the article was full of “misrepresentations” and “is clearly flawed.” Hmm, does that mean there was a lot of stuff they missed?

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Young at heart?

Posted April 21, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Bucky Lasek, 40, the oldest man in the X Games Vert, won a gold medal in skateboarding. Whereupon he immediately turned to his competitors and said “You punks get off my ramp.”

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A 25 yr old Illinois Chicago Bulls fans filed a lawsuit against Derrick Rose. He claims Rose missing the entire NBA regular season made him fat and depressed. Let’s hope this doesn’t come to anything, or Cubs fans may sue the team for playing with the same results.

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Amazing that the folks who think this Boston bombing was somehow a US government conspiracy are the same ones who don’t think the government is competent to do anything else.

 

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The SF Giants’ Barry Zito is still unscored upon in 2013 while wearing #75. (His 9 run outing was on Jackie Robinson day.)

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LB Rolando McClain, newly signed by the Baltimore Ravens, has been arrested for the THIRD time in his home town of Decatur, GA.   He was first arrested (and convicted) by Decatur police in 2011 on assault and menancing charges. Then in January of this year the former Alabama star was arrested after he gave the police a false name when he was pulled over for a window tint violation.

This arrest was disorderly conduct and resisting arrest after an incident at a local park.   Couldn’t find out what McClain majored in at Alabama. Guessing it wasn’t criminal justice.

 

 

David Ortiz won’t have to worry about a fine for his colorful speech. This tweet from FCC Chairman Julius Genachowski ” David Ortiz spoke from the heart at today’s Red Sox game. I stand with Big Papi and the people of Boston – Julius” Who knew the FCC could be so f***ing reasonable?

 

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A week after the Masters’ no one has come forward as the person who called in Tiger Woods’ improper drop after the second round of the Masters,  but Marc Ragovin suggests this   “this tape from the Golf Hotline might provide a clue:
“Hello, Elyn from Florida, you’re on the air.”

 

Comments: 2 Comments

Priorities.

Posted April 21, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

So Big Papi dropped an f-bomb during pregame ceremonies at Fenway Park today. (This is our f**king city.) And many of the same media that bleeped it out had no problem showing countless bloody pictures of the Boston Marathon bombing scene. #Priorities.

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Now that one Boston bombing suspect is dead and the other in custody, CNN can go back to their regular programming. Quick, is there a cruise ship adrift somewhere?

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Tonight #Bucks vs. #Heat in #NBA playoffs. For all those who miss the drama of Christians vs. Lions.

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Denver police were worried about crowd control at the country’s largest 4/20 outdoor pot smoking celebration. On the other hand, if anyone had bad intentions, a few minutes out in that crowd (and cloud) and it would have been “Uh, wait, why am I here? Nice party though…”

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Tim Lincecum, 6 2/3 shutout innings and a win on 4/20 – National Marijuana Day. Coincidence?

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A Long Island NY woman was arrested and charged with encouraging her teenagers to shoot the windows out of parked cars with a BB gun while she drove. Not sure about the possible sentence, but maybe the NRA will applaud her for a creative family bonding exercise?

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Two friends of the alleged Boston bomber were arrested today. Apparently they have a black BMW with a novelty license plate reading “Terrorista #1” Even if they’re not guilty of anything related to the bombing, that plate should be enough to charge them with felony stupidity.

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As awful as Boston was, can we briefly turn our attention to West, Texas, where at least 14 died and hundreds were injured. And Reuters reports that the fertilizer plant which exploded didn’t tell DHS it was storing 1,350 times the amount of ammonium nitrate allowable without mandatory safety checks. It’s only too much govt. regulation until something blows up….

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As America returns to semi-normal, maybe we could work on our geography? Apparently a number of people on twitter were posting about suspects from Czech Republic.

Finally, –Sweet Caroline at A T and T. SF Giants fans get it. #Bostonstrong

Comments: 3 Comments

A little good news.

Posted April 19, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Another positive thought after a rough week. Three people killed by the bombers at the Boston Marathon, and dozens in critical condition. And at week’s end, all the critical patients are still alive, and most have had their conditions upgraded. MAJOR kudos to first responders and Boston hospitals.

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Another reason all Americans should own cats: This guy was hanging out hidden under a tarp in someone’s boat presumably all day? As all cat-owners know, if so much as a squirrel twitches an ear in a backyard even an indoor cat will notice and run to the window.

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Some irony in when we are happy that we have the #Boston bombing suspect in custody and alive so he can face the death penalty….

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Somewhere someone from Carnival Cruise Lines is thinking “Finally, we’re not the worst boat story of the day.”

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Meanwhile back in the mundane sports world Mark Sanchezs gave an interview about Tim Tebow, saying “I just don’t know if it was the best situation for either of us, but you play with the cards you are dealt with and do the very best you can.” Right so Tebow made him butt-fumble?

(From Dwight Perry “Yes, as a matter of fact, Tebow told him to turn the other cheek.”)

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“When will they ever learn?” dept. Rutgers University has now suspended its head men’s lacrosse coach after allegations of verbal abuse. Wouldn’t you think that under the current microscope even Bobby Knight would be nice to his players?

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The Boston bombing suspects’ father is saying his sons hate terrorists, are innocent and have been framed. Even the Paterno family is thinking “this guy’s in serious denial.”

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Meanwhile, in a difficult week, United Airlines quietly sends this “bouquet” to all Americans, an increase in all U.S. change fees from $150 to $200 per change. No joke, no press release…..

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This whole week was beginning to seem like a new season of 24.  Too bad we couldn’t just change the channel.

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Open note to young tech savvy people: If you have figured out you can get free 4G on a plane in the air or some other wifi without paying for it, really not a smart idea to brag about it loudly in front of dozens of people including airline employees.

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From my friend Michael Powers – Who suspected that the bombers would quite literally be Caucasian?

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From my friend Bill Dwan. If this man goes free on a Miranda rights technicality, then at least set him free in a blue collar Boston bar.

Comments: 1 Comment

First things first but…

Posted April 18, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

After we find and prosecute the Boston Marathon bombers, think there’s any way to prosecute some of the media who printed photos of innocent men as suspects?

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Derek Jeter apparently has a small crack in his surgically repaired left ankle and will be out at least until the All-Star break. At this point the Yankees may decide to seek a second opinion from an expert paleontologist.

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Mitt Romney said today that President Obama gave a “superb” speech at the memorial for the Boston Marathon bombing victims. Well, heck, if the Yankees and Red Sox can get along for a few days, maybe bipartisan goodwill is possible. For a few days anyway.

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And on the subject of bipartisan agreement….    My friend Ed Murrell and I will probably would never vote the same way on anything. But I agree with him on this post of his today.    So what – the league put out a schedule today…..“Sports radio has become a boring, monotonous NFL advertisement. Who honestly gives a !@#$%^& about the NFL schedule. You’ve got no life if you’re into that mess.”

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–NY Mets vs. Colorado Rockies today in 30 degree weather in Denver. 30 degrees? That’s colder than the Mets’ bats. MLB says more stringent security measures will be in place at ballparks. So fans may need to arrive earlier as the league tries to guard against terrorists attacks on big crowds. Well, at least Marlins fans are safe.

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A thought  from Michael Hayne that would be funnier if it weren’t rather true.  ” The great thing about being white is we’re never a terrorist, we just have a mental illness.”

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Chris Culliver, the SF 49ers’ player who ended up in trouble for his anti-gay comments during Super Bowl week, now posted on Instagram photos of a iPhone conversation referring to women as “bitches” and “hoes.” There is just no cure for stupid.

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Now that Britney Griner is officially out, really rooting for Mark Cuban’s idea. Would be fun if the first openly gay athlete in a major men’s professional sport turned out to be a woman.Another thought about the Senators who voted against more government control over guns. So why doesn’t their support of individual freedom extend to things like legalized marijuana and prostitution?

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Turns out the man suspected of sending letters contacting ricin-laden letters to President Obama and Sen. Roger Wicker is an Elvis impersonator from Tupelo. Geez. If Elvis wasn’t dead, this kind of stuff would kill him.

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Whichever side you’re on, it seems pretty clear that if Senators were afraid they would lose their next election for voting against background checks, some of them would have put aside their principled defense of gun rights.

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