Bussing to hell

Posted September 4, 2013 by left coast sports babe
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Cleveland kidnapper Ariel Castro was found dead in his cell Tuesday night. “Bummer”, said absolutely nobody.

(one friend suggested he inspire Jerry Sandusky…)

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Hell freezes over alert? The Pittsburgh Pirates won their 81st game, thereby guaranteeing they will not finish with a losing record for the first time in 21 seasons. And somewhere God is thinking “Now, don’t get too excited, Cubs fans.”

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A new proposed Senate resolution on Syria would limit military action to 90 days. Why didn’t we think of that for Iraq?

 

Chaz Bono has lost 80 pounds in less than a year. And women are thinking – No fair, even for transgendered men why does it have to be easier for them to lose weight than us?

 

Congrats again to 64 year old Diana Nyad for her swim from Cuba to Florida. Her attitude certainly helped, rumor has it she simply told sharks “You punks get out of my ocean.”

 

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The Hartford Courant is reporting that police have new video showing Aaron Hernandez at a Boston club at the same time as two men who were shot and killed later that night. How much worse does it get before the Patriots bring back Tim Tebow just to change the headlines?

(Peter C. suggests he could be team chaplain.)

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What a golden week for television: Jon Stewart is back, and Kris Jenner’s talk show has apparently been cancelled.

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Pablo Sandoval today became second visiting player ever to have three home runs in a game at Petco Park. First was Ryan Braun. Will Big Macs now suddenly be considered a PED?

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Apparently a woman who gave birth to a 13 lb 11 oz baby in Spain last month did it naturally without a epidural.    Without knowing , I do feel pretty sure in guessing  it was not her first child.

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A Lufthansa flight from Stockholm to Frankfurt was diverted to Copenhagen due to a “worrisome” smell that turned out to be from a new carpet. This would never happen to a U.S. airline. When would they have have new carpet?

(Sean Smith suggests that new carpet rows would have a $35 surcharge.)

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NY Yankees manager Joe Girardi said he is going to try to get Mariano Rivera to reconsider his retirement. Wonder if Girardi first will hire as a special assistant, Brett Favre.

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Making whoopie?

Posted September 3, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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A British zoo has appointed one of their staff as a “birds and the bees” consultant, and is experimenting with warning signs that say “ANIMAL BABY MAKING ZONE.” Why do I think in much of the U.S. this would cause more outrage than designating a zoo an “open carry” zone?

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The Oakland Raiders named Terrelle Pryor as their starting QB. Another step in a 2013 season perhaps destined to lead to the REAL punishment for Johnny Manziel…. being drafted into Silver and Black?

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Our long national nightmare is over. Jon Stewart returns tonight. Not that John Oliver wasn’t good…. But who better to report on the clusterf*ck that is Syria?

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The Indianapolis Colts just waived rookie safety John Boyett from the University of Oregon following his arrest yesterday morning for disorderly conduct and resisting law enforcement. Boyett apparently told the cops “You can’t arrest me…I’m a Colts player.” Well, apparently it worked when he said “Ducks” in Eugene.

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California Governor Jerry Brown didn’t attend the opening of the Bay Bridge, which has been plagued by construction problems and alleged defects. Lt. Governor Gavin Newsom presided in his place. Have to wonder, was Brown thus worried or hoping there would be glitches?

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Kanye West is facing criticism for accepting $3 million to perform at a wedding hosted by Kazakhstan President Nursultan Nazarbayev, who has been accused of numerous human rights violations. But to be fair, West has to feed his family.

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Two men were arrested this weekend for breaking into Wrigley Field and allegedly attempting to steal ivy from the historic ballpark. Hmm, wonder what ballpark they were trying to take it to, and which team they were trying to jinx?

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Miley Cyrus said in an interview to the British “Sunday People”: “I have so many f***ing issues.” Really? How would the public ever know?

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New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft said today that he really wanted Tim Tebow to make the roster but it wasn’t his call.  Somewhere George Steinbrenner is rolling over in his grave.

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Will Durst kind of summed it up “It’s fun to watch the Republicans’ natural hatred of Obama run smack into their love of bombing the crap out of the Middle East.”

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So Clemson beat Georgia on college football’s opening weekend and jumped over Stanford to be #4 in the rankings, pushing the Cardinal down to #5. Now,  early rankings don’t matter, and Clemson is ACC anyway, but they are benefiting from the “rank all SEC teams high” strategy, so when they beat each other it counts more..

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With the NY Mayoral Primary only a week away,  Anthony Weiner has fallen from 26% in the polls to 7% as of Sept 3.  Meaning so long to easy pickings like “Weiner shrivels” jokes.

(on the other hand, does anyone really expect him to go away quietly?)

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In the America’s Cup, an international jury found Oracle Team USA guilty of cheating, fined them $250k, docked them two races in a best of 17 series, and dismissed three team members. Guess Johnny Manziel is thinking he’s glad he’s not a sailor.

Comments: 4 Comments

In the swim

Posted September 2, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Diana Nyad completed her swim today from Cuba to Florida. Upon her landing, out of habit five MLB teams offered her a contract.

(my friend Jeff Klein responded, and out of habit, most baseball fans figured she should be tested for PED’s)

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Apparently some Christians are claiming that Tim Tebow was cut from the Patriots for reasons of religious persecution. Really? If someone could have a QB rating near 100, he could sacrifice goats at midfield and he’d have multiple free agent offers.

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The BBC just revealed that a Polish captain ran his cargo ship aground onto islands off the Northumberland coast this March when he planned a course from Scotland to Belgium and forgot about England. (Really). Good thing we are all too PC now for Polish jokes.

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A new study says the average man has grown 4 inches in the last century. Sorry, gentlemen, we’re talking height.

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A Georgia WR is out for the season after injuring himself celebrating a touchdown. Well, this injury at least is not likely to befall the Oakland Raiders.

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A new proposal in Europe is for Intelligent Speed Authority devices that would apply the brakes to any vehicle going above the speed limit. Let’s hope no one tells NY mayor Bloomberg.

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Ray Lewis is now saying that he thinks the blackout during last year’s Super Bowl was a ploy to help the SF 49srs. “not gonna accuse nobody of nothing — because I don’t know facts, But you’re a zillion-dollar company, and your lights go out? No. No way. You cannot tell me somebody wasn’t sitting there and when they say, ‘The Ravens [are] about to blow them out. Man, we better do something.” Hmm, does Ray want people to start excusing his part in that murder due to a head injury.

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A former colleague of David Frost, quoted in the U.K. Telegraph. “He never saw age like the rest of us.” And he told of one late Thatcher interview they prefaced with clips from previous encounters between the two of them over a decade ago.  Where the staff was worried that he would feel badly seeing his younger self.   And Frost’s only response upon seeing them “Hasn’t she aged?”

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From Bill Littlejohn”  Michael Malone, the new coach for the NBA Sacramento Kings, says he once wanted to work for the government as a secret agent.  As Kings coach, however, Malone he has a chance to start the season at 00-7.

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Wedding belle?

Posted September 1, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized

Kate Middleton’s sister Pippa is reported to be secretly engaged and planning a Spring wedding. Making this perhaps the first time in history that millions of straight men are thinking “Can’t wait to see the dress.”

(or at least the back of it.)

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Wonder how many prewritten GOP speeches had to be torn up condemning President Obamas complete disregard for Congress with his #Syria decision.

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As the world moves on from Miley Cyrus’s VMA act, suppose it is a good time to count our blessings. For example that Madonna was at her outrageous peak well before Twitter, Youtube, Instagram etc….

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As of September 1, the New York Yankees are about four games out of the second wild card spot in the AL. Wonder if Bud Selig is thinking of calling an emergency meeting to figure out how to add a third wild card?

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The Oakland Raiders kept 4 QBs and 2 punters. Not sure about the need for 4 QBs, but the way the team looks now, sounds like they’ll have plenty of work for 2 punters.

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Sad news, Sir David Frost has died at 74 of a heart attack. For the uninitiated and the young, Frost was once perhaps, the first Jon Stewart.

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An Arkansas athletic department intern sustained a leg injury when a when a T-shirt gun apparently malfunctioned during the Razorbacks’ season opener. The NRA immediately issued a statement “When t-shirt guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have t-shirt guns.”

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Apparently the 6,000 players suing the NFL over head injuries originally wanted $2 billion. But gosh, that would have been almost a fifth of the league’s annual $10 billion revenues.

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Eastern Washington was paid $450,000 to play Oregon State yesterday. Making their 49-45 win one of the worst cases of creampuff indigestion in Pac 12 history. –

 

The NY Jets have named Geno Smith their starting QB.  Wonder how long it will be before fans start calling again for Tim Tebow?

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The best and the brightest?

Posted August 31, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized

Despite the Bay Bridge closure for Labor Day weekend, Tampa Bay pitcher David Price elected to take a taxi from San Francisco to Oakland yesterday for the Rays-As game instead of BART. Cost him $202. And the guy’s from Vanderbilt. Supposed to be smart…

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Syria is a no-win situation. But President Obama’s statement today that the United States “should take military action against Syrian targets,” but that he would seek congressional authorization when Congress returns was very well played. Your move, GOP.

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And already John Boehner says that the House will not come back early from their summer vacation to vote on President Obama’s potential use of military force in Syria. And besides, no doubt the GOP has more pressing issues to deal with first, like Obamacare, abortion restrictions and gay marriage

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Have to wonder,  would Americans care more about what is happening in Syria if we could frame the possible outcomes in terms of covering or not covering the spread?

 

Justin Bieber was uninjured after he was apparently attacked in a Toronto nightclub. Maybe the attacker was just trying to get Bieber to emulate Ted Cruz and try to renounce his Canadian citizenship?

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Texas A & M gave four players two game suspensions today for “violating team rules.” What did they do to get four times Manziel’s suspension? Accept checks instead of cash?

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After serving his arduous 30 minute NCAA suspension, Texas A&M QB Johnny Manziel threw 3 touchdowns, but managed to get an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for taunting in the fourth quarter. Whereupon he was benched for the rest of the game. Stay classy “Johnny Football.”

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US Airways is sending out schedule changes where the flight number stays the same, the departure is the same, and the arrival is scheduled 1-2 minutes later. Literally. Here’s an idea – have them save the effort expended to adjust their schedules by 1-2 minutes, and put it towards actually having the planes fly on time.
 
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 Researchers have grown the first artificial human brains from skin cells. The miniature brains are about 4mm across and equal to the brain of a 9 week human fetus. Insert tacky Sarah Palin joke here.

Comments: 1 Comment

Is it safe?

Posted August 30, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Lindsey Vonn, gushing to People Magazine about dating Tiger Woods: “He doesn’t even leave the seat up! It’s awesome.” Wonder when Tiger learned that. Maybe we’re uncovering the real reason Elin went after him with that nine-iron?

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What really happened with the NCAA?  Bill Littlejohn said “they met with Johnny Manziel for 6 hours. Would have been 7 but the bars closed at 2am.”

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I’m wondering if the NCAA reduced Johnny Football’s suspension when he agreed to sign a few hundred more items for them.

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Source: NCAA met with Johnny Manziel for 6 hours. It would’ve been 7, but the bar closed at 2 a.m. – See more at: http://hqprincegeorge.com/home/hart_attack/news/v/Local/252073/Hartley-Miller-s-Hart-Attack-August-30-2013-Edition-434#sthash.EMcoEk85.dpuf

Bottles of Extra-Strength Tylenol will soon have a warning written in red letters on their caps: “Contains acetaminophen. Always read the label.” Uh, aren’t you ALWAYS supposed to read labels?

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A South Carolina couple were arrested after being caught having sex in a Home Depot wooden display shed. Wonder if Home Depot is now trying to figure out how they can rent sheds by the hour.

(my friend George R. Mathews says “God knows they looked.around.for hours trying to find someone to help.them….they got bored and had to.DO.something.”)

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Random baseball thought for the day: Josh Hamilton and Albert Pujols together make about half as much as the entire Pittsburgh Pirates payroll. (Hamilton $17 million, Pujols $16 million, the Pirates, $66 million.)

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Katie Holmes’ representative has announced that Suri Cruise broke her arm but “is okay.” Stand by for the announcement of a line of new “designer casts” for children.

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Lindsay Lohan apparently will host her 5th SNL this fall Think they can make a condition of her appearance staying away from the after-party?

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Phil Mickelson shot a 63 while playing with Tiger Woods, who shot a 68, in the opening round of the Deutsche Bank Championship. Pool on how long it will take Tiger to complain about back problems?

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Nancy Pelosi says she doesn’t wish to be Speaker of the House again. The people who are the most upset about this? GOP fundraisers.

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At 146am, when everyone is paying attention, Facebook sent proposed updates to their “Data Use Policy” and “Statement of Rights and Responsibilities.” A long and many-paged document. But they add “as always, we won’t share the private information that you put on Facebook with advertisers without your permission.” Of course what they don’t say – nothing you post is really considered private.

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Lamar Odom was arrested for alleged DUI this morning. Who’d a thunk that Kim Kardashian would be the sister in a more stable seeming relationship?

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Ted Nugent’s wife Shemane has been arrested after a handgun was found in her carry-on luggage at an DFW airport security checkpoint. Birdbrains of a feather…

Ad on KNBR for the SF 49ers 2013 season: “There’s nothing better than the last season at the “Stick.” Nothing? Well, for starters the fact that it IS the last season at Candlestick.

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Mixed messages

Posted August 29, 2013 by left coast sports babe
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So the U.S. wants to send Syria a message but not do anything too serious that might start a war. Maybe we should turn the disciplinary action against Assad over to the NCAA?

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The NCAA thinks they have sent a message with their 30 minute suspension for Johnny Manziel. And they have – only accept payment in cash.

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A New Jersey appeals court just said that if you text someone you know is driving, you could be held liable if that driver causes a crash. The real winners in this decision? Lawyers.

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Tim Tebow had two touchdowns and one interception tonight in a preseason game for the New England Patriots. For anyone scoring at home that’s one more touchdown and two less interceptions than Geno Smith did for the NY Jets…..

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Kim Jong-Un reportedly had his ex-girlfriend executed by firing squad for making a sex tape. It would be really inappropriate to make a Kardashian joke here….

(And let me guess, Miley Cyrus won’t be performing in North Korea anytime soon.  Let’s hope a tape of the VMA’s doesn’t result in a missile strike….)

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Krispy Kreme Doughnuts stock price fell today after they reported good but disappointing second-quarter profits. Guess investors got a little overly excited about marijuana legalization laws.

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A new Rolling Stone article claims Bill Belichick threatened to cut Hernandez “after the 2013 season” if Aaron didn’t stop causing distractions. Well, that’s one thing off the Patriot coach’s “to-do” list.

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Sometimes it just isn’t your year. And sometimes it is. The SF Giants’ Madison Bumgarner hasn’t won in a month and is 11-9 with a 2.91 ERA. The Detroit Tigers Max Scherzer, with a 2.90 ERA, gave up 5 earned runs in 6 innings, but kept his 19-1 record when Detroit rallied for 4 in the bottom of the 9th.

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The Palazzo hotel in Las Vegas Strip is trying to evict “The Act” nightclub for shows it says are so raunchy that they violate obscenity laws. Well, this ought to assure standing room only crowds as long as the club lasts….

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Alabama QB AJ McCarron says he isn’t fixating on the Crimson Tide’s shot at a historic three-peat. That’s okay, the media is fixating enough on it for him.

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The NFL just reached a $765 million settlement with more than 4,500 former players with their concussion lawsuit. A lot of money, though after lawyer fees probably less than $100k a player. But the NFL had billion$ of rea$on$ to $ettle thi$ before the $ea$on started.

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Vanderbilt’s punter is studying to be an neurosurgeon. In the rest of the SEC, they’re thinking “big deal, we think our punters can probably spell neurosurgeon.”

From T.C.  “The NCAA has suspended QB Johnny Manziel for the 1st two quarters of Texas A & M’s season opener. This means he will be available for the entire first half to autograph your A&M souvenirs.”

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On ABC News George Zimmerman’s wife Shellie today said she has to ‘think about’ staying in her marriage. And if she doesn’t wonder how long Shellie will “think about” a book deal.

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Going, going, not quite gone…

Posted August 28, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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The NCAA has decided to suspend Johnny Manziel for the FIRST HALF of Texas A & M’s season opener Saturday against Rice. Wow. Against Rice Manziel’s got to be figuring he should have asked for more money and gotten suspended the whole game.

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There’s already criticism of today’s “semi-suspension” of Johnny Manziel. But in the NCAA’s defense, they say if Johnny misbehaves again they’re going to slap his other hand REALLY hard.

 

After today’s Manziel decision, the NCAA would like to disabuse anyone of the notion that they would let a star player get away with actual murder. Any player linked to such a serious crime would absolutely be disciplined, the day after his bowl game.

 

Florida LB Antonio Morrison, who was arrested twice this summer, just had his two game suspension reduced to one game by coach Will Muschamp. So he’ll miss the Gators’ opening game against Buffalo, but will be back Sept. 7 against Miami. And of course the fact that the Hurricanes have been ranked barely out of the preseason top 25 had nothing to do with this decision….
 
–Ah Florida, protecting us from the truly dangerous people? George Zimmerman’s wife Shellie pled guilty to perjury for lying about the donations they had received before his trial. She was placed on probation for a year, and as a condition “cannot possess, carry or own a firearm and must get permission to own any other type of weapon.”

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Don Mattingly benched Yasiel Puig in the fifth today for apparent disciplinary reasons. How long until L.A. Dodgers fans start muttering about “Puig being Puigy..”

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Montana judge G. Todd Baugh judge sentenced a 54-year-old ex-teacher to 30 days in jail for raping a 14-year-old girl in 2008. (The girl committed suicide in 2010.) Baugh said that the girl was “as much in control of the situation” as the teacher was, and “older than her chronological age.” What was this judge thinking, that he wants to run for Congress in Missouri?

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John Boehner has apparently sent Obama letter requesting that he make a case before acting on Syria. Wonder if the President thought of sending a reply to the Speaker, “How about you have the House make a case the next time they vote to repeal Obamacare?”

 

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While taping his TV show 700 Club yesterday, Pat Robertson said that some gay men with HIV or AIDS wear special rings designed to purposely infect others. “You know what they do in San Francisco, some in the gay community there, they want to get people, so if they got the stuff they’ll have a ring, you shake hands, and the ring’s got a little thing where you cut your finger” Beginning to think Robertson is still alive because neither God nor the Devil want him.

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Across America, millions of American men have only one question: Is it too soon to hit on Catherine Zeta-Jones?

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Justin Timberlake is defending Miley Cyrus’ VMAs performance: “It’s not like she did it at the Grammys”‘ And half a dozen young stars plus Madonna just got a new idea for next year’s Grammys…..

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Patriots owner Robert Kraft said yesterday he is “rooting for” Tim Tebow to make the 53-man roster, but said it’s the coach’s decision. Wonder if Bill Belichick is just wishing Vladimir Putin would steal Tebow for a Russian team.

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Winning isn’t everything….

Posted August 28, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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Wow. NJ Gov. Chris Christie called a NY Daily News reporter an “idiot” The paper fired back with a headline “Who you calling an idiot, fatso!” Almost enough to make you look forward to the 2016 Presidential election…

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Tim Tebow has survived the latest cut and looks like he may make the Patriots final roster. Not sure about New England fans but comedy writers everywhere are saying “Thank you, Jesus!”

 

 

An international jury began hearings today into allegations that Larry Ellison’s Oracle Team USA illegally modified boats in this year’s America’s Cup. Well, and who’d ever think Larry Ellison would cheat at anything.

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A upcoming Rolling Stone article apparently alleges that while Aaron Hernandez was at the University of Florida, coach Urban Meyer “may have covered up failed drug tests along with two violent incidents” including a drive-by shooting. That would be shocking, responded absolutely no one.

 

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Is no sport sacred? United States skater Simon Cho has been banned from competing for two years after confessing he had tampered with a Canadian’s skates at the 2011 world team short-track championships in Poland. Next we’ll be hearing about tampering with curling stones.

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According to his lawyer, George Zimmerman will ask the state of Florida to reimburse him up to $300,000 of his legal expenses. Wonder if that means Zimmerman will then turn around and give some of the donations to his legal fund to the state?

 

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Alex Rodriguez is now 10 homers away from tying Willie Mays for 4th on the all time career list. Per his contract, this would mean a $6 million bonus. Which gives the Yankees 6 million more reasons to wish A-Rod would go away.

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Just guessing, for the forseeable future, if Disney televises anything featuring alums from their past shows, they are not likely to invite Miley Cyrus?

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In Brooklyn, an alleged cellphone thief was caught when he tripped over his own sagging jeans. Karma is not only a bitch, she apparently really is part of the fashion police.

 

 

Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz says the company will not cut staff or benefits in anticipation of next year’s Obamacare changes. To be fair, Schultz also didn’t say that Starbucks will not double coffee prices either.

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Okay, for the longest MLB home run in 2013 who had Hunter Pence, 476 feet tonight? Now all of you liars put your hands down.

 

–Tom Tolbert made an interesting point on  KNBR radio about Johnny Manziel’s six hour conversation with NCAA officials. How long does it take to say “Did you get paid for signing autographs?” “Are you sure?”….

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Comments: 1 Comment

Fill in the blank?

Posted August 27, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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The 197 year old “Farmer’s Almanac,” which has an amazing record for accuracy, predicts “bitterly cold” subnormal temperatures for Feb 1-3, 2014 in the New York City area. Insert “it will be a cold day in hell when (fill-in-the-blank-team) makes it to the Super Bowl” here.

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Bank of America said they will review working conditions after an intern died after reportedly working until 6a three nights in a row. Many law firms are thinking “What, does B of A think they were too soft on the kid?”

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Many people think that Miley Cryus’s VMA performance yesterday was obscene and not fit for children. Wonder how many fathers today are thinking they need to closely reexamine the evidence?

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Who knew Hannah Montana was a stripper name?

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Barry Zito, who has a double-digit ERA on the road this year, was the starting pitcher Monday night for the SF Giants against the Colorado Rockies at Coors Field. Wonder if  Denver air traffic control was alerted for possible round objects ending up in flight paths?

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Wimbledon champion Marion Bartoli, who announced her retirement from tennis Aug 14, now says “It’s pretty hard to say I would never come back.” “Atta girl!” responded Brett Favre.

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Our foreign policy at its finest: A Russian newspaper reported that Edward Snowden was stuck at the Moscow airport only after Cuba, bowing to U.S. pressure, warned Aeroflot that it would not allow his flight from Russia to land in Havana. And U.S. citizens can travel to Russia anytime, whereas Cuban travel (along with rum and cigars) is embargoed.

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An 21 year old has invented a topical sprayable caffeine, which he hopes to bring to market this fall. Ben Yu said that his spray “won’t change the world.” On the other hand, it might save a few marriages, if spouses can keep it handy for mornings when coffee isn’t available.

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Khloe Kardashian is complaining about the stories about her husband, Kim claims she is trying to protect her baby’s privacy. (Except for a picture on mom’s failing talk show.) Here’s a suggestion, folks. Want privacy? Quit making your careers be bleeping reality television.

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Really? A man has come forward 40 years later to claim that Billie Jean King’s $100,000 victory over Bobby Riggs was actually rigged so Riggs could have $100,000 in gambling debts forgiven. Except, a win would have netted him the money to pay off those debts….

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Why revenue-sharing needs a minimum team payroll to go with it: The Houston Astros, with a $13 million payroll, are according to Forbes going to make an estimated $99 million in operating income this season…. (You’d think fans would at least get a break on beer prices.)

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Scoot Airlines, Singapore Airlines’ budget carrier, is now offering passengers the option to pay a $14 surcharge for “ScootinSilence,” five rows in economy where no children. Right, because the sound of a screaming baby can carry no further than five rows…

Comments: 2 Comments

Decision time.

Posted August 26, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Going to be a tough call for what to do with Syria. But the GOP is certain; whatever President Obama decides will be wrong.

 

The Buffalo Bills signed Matt Leinart to add QB depth. Giving a whole new NFL fan base the opportunity to be disappointed by an ex-USC quarterback.

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In some ways, Matt Barkley was precocious.   A  star USC QB who started disappointing fans before he turned pro.

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 Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal on “Meet the Press” denounced some in his own party, saying “Let’s not talk about impeachment. Let’s actually talk about the policy we disagree with.” Wow. Is Jindal trying to be so reasonable he gets kicked out of the GOP?

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Taylor Swift was caught on camera mouthing STFU towards ex-boyfriend Harry Styles at the VMA awards Sunday night. Can understand her animosity, but at this rate, Taylor’s going to have a hard time finding someone at these award shows who ISN’T an ex.

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Does Taylor Swift go on Match.com and put as her number one criteria “Must be good songwriting material for after our breakup?

 

The Mets are out of it, the Yankees are barely in the playoff picture, and Mark Sanchez gets injured in a game where Geno Smith stunk. No pressure now, Eli. And how about those Knicks?

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How embarrassing could Rex Ryan’s decision to put Mark Sanchez in in the fourth quarter of a meaningless preseason game turn out to be?

If it turns out Sanchez is out for a while and Smith is as big of a dud as he looked like Saturday, Ryan may start saying to the media “Enough. Isn’t it time for you to ask me about my foot fetish?”

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The Arizona D’backs beat the Philadelphia Phillies last night in an 18 inning game that lasted 7 hours. 7 hours? Are we sure the Red Sox and Yankees weren’t involved?

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Texas Senator Ted Cruz said today that he is “not convinced” that President Barack Obama himself wouldn’t defund Obamacare if Congress gave him the opportunity to do so. And up in Canada they’re thinking “Thank God he’s not one of ours anymore.”

 

Well at least ESPN is consistent. Headline from the Barclay’s tournament this weekend “Tiger Woods finishes tied for 2nd.” Gosh, did someone actually win the thing?

 

A Chicago Cubs batting weight was spotted today in the Pirates’ on deck circle today in San Francisco. Hmm, is that the reason Pittsburgh was shut out by the Giants?

 

–Serious thought:  The minimum age to be charged with a crime in Louisiana is 10, so an 8 year old boy who shot and killed his 90 year old caregiver with her own gun was released to his parents. If we can’t change gun ownership laws, could we at least adopt the British rule of REQUIRING guns to be locked in a safe place – a gun cabinet or a safe? (And yes, British police can inspect to make sure this is done.)

Comments: 1 Comment

Color me anything but blue?

Posted August 24, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
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Urban Meyer has forbidden anyone – fans, media, NFL scouts -watching Ohio State football practices from wearing blue. Since blue is a Michigan color. Really, I’d have thought Meyer would worry more about people upsetting the team by wearing orange – the color of prison jumpsuits.

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A $1 million winning New York lottery ticket from August 2012, will expire today if not claimed. And many of us are still annoyed at our moms just for accidentally throwing away old baseball cards and comic books.

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Following up on that story of RGIII being fined for wearing an “Operation Patience” t-shirt in practice. Turns out the Redskins QB is a repeat offender; he was fined $10,000 for wearing Adidas clothing to a post-game news conference last December, and warned after the season opener for covering up the Nike swoosh on his warm-up shirt. The horror! How many offenses for a lifetime ban?

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Derek Jeter will rejoin the Yankees on Monday. The team will be thrilled to welcome him back, if for no other reason than a headline that doesn’t involve A-Rod.

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Geno Smith threw three interceptions today, Mark Sanchez might be injured. Well, Tim Tebow may be available.

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–Anthony Weiner was involved in a three carfender-bender this morning in New York. No injuries, and so far no word as to who might have been at fault. Not that we have any reason to suspect Weiner of doing anything risky with his phone.

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Todd Gloria, 35, will be the new acting mayor of San Diego. He is young, attractive, and gay. Could women feel any safer?

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In Slaughter, Louisiana, police said an 8-year-old boy intentionally shot and killed his 90 year old caregiver. The statement read ” Although a motive for the shooting is unknown at this time investigators have learned that the juvenile suspect was playing a video game, ‘Grand Theft Auto IV…” Got it, guns don’t kill people, video games kill people.

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A new study says that on average, single men only wash their bed sheets four times a year. Wonder how many of those single men polled responded “you wash sheets?”

 

–Perhaps I need a new contact lens prescription?  Saturday night I saw a 4 on the board in the #SFGiants column in the first inning.

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The AP reports that a South Brunswick, NJ man, Mario Scarnici, has come forward with one of the three winning tickets sold for the Aug. 7 Powerball drawing, and will net $62 million after taxes. They add “A telephone number for Scarnici could not be located Saturday afternoon.” Ya think?

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Not just a river in Egypt

Posted August 23, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

ESPN dropped out of its partnership with PBS on the documentary “League of Denial,” a investigation of NFL players’ head injuries. The network said the decision was not due to league pressure. What’s next, an ESPN statement that the NFL doesn’t have a steroid problem?

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Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer will retire next year. Or as the company might have put it “shutting down to avoid further damage to their computer business.”

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San Diego Mayor Bob Filner in his resignation speech said “I’ve never sexually harassed anyone.” He blamed “those of you in the media and politics who fed this hysteria… You have unleashed a monster… I think [we’ll] be paying for this affront to democracy for a long time.” Even A-Rod is thinking “Dude is in serious denial.”

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More from Bob Filner’s resignation speech, where he said San Diego “just faced a lynch mob.” And he said he was “trying to establish personal relationships” with women, “but the combination of awkwardness and hubris led to behavior that many found offensive.” Once again, empirical evidence on why we need more women in office.

 

Broadcaster Dave Flemming returned to the SF Giants broadcast booth Friday night  from the Little League World Series.  Big change. Good thing Dave’s a pro & can adjust to Giants’ lower level of play

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Vin Scully has announced he will return in 2014 for his 65th year with the Dodgers. 65 years! Wow. Does that mean he was a rookie announcer back in Jamie Moyer’s rookie year?

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Ben Affleck will be the new Batman. Can’t wait to hear him ask where to “pahk the Batmobile.”

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The NFL fined RG3 $10,000 for wearing an unauthorized t-shirt that said “Operation Patience” to practice before a preaseason game. Good to know the league is focused on what’s really important.

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The New England Patriots lost 40-9 to the Detroit Lions last night. Maybe it was just pre-season football. Or maybe God REALLY REALLY doesn’t like putting Tebow on the bench.

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One of those “the world is a comedy to those who think, and a tragedy to those who feel” moments: A GOP voter who believed Obama wasn’t a “natural born” citizen but still supported Ted Cruz told the Texas Tribune: “As far as I’m concerned, Canada is not really foreign soil.”

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Testing, one, two, three….

Posted August 22, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Ryan Braun issued a statement acknowledging that he took PED’s in 2011, the year he won the NL MVP. “I’m shocked,” said at this point absolutely nobody.

Re #RyanBraun‘s apology for using steroids. Think I’ll actually believe the first guy who apologizes for using #PEDS BEFORE he gets caught.

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Really? Apparently in regards to an HGH testing agreement, Congress is threatening to get involved because the NFL and the NFL Players Association have gotten so little done. Pot meet kettle. Kettle, pot.

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80 GOP members of Congress urged Boehner to trigger a government shutdown rather than fund the implementation of “Obamacare.” Since they feel this way, I do hope the members are also voluntarily cancelling their own expensive government funded healthcare.

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Some Roman tourists were charged $130 for four coffees with liqueurs at a Venice cafe. Upon hearing the news, Starbucks instructed their lawyers to look into the costs of liquor licenses.

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You can’t make this “stuff” up: On Family Feud the question was “Name a state that ends with the letter “A.”  One contestant’s response:  “Arkansas.”

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FOX is going to charge $4 million for 30-second Super Bowl ads. Wow. That kind of $$ for a pay-to-play ratio is almost on the level of Simon Cowell’s future child support.

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Not saying the 2013 SF Giants are playing like they’ve checked out, but they’ve just been voted the favorite team of the National Librarians Association.

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#AaronHernandez was expected to be indicted for murder today. Quick, time for the #Patriots to release another #Tebow story.

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This item passed along by Ryan Duca. Apparently when Nationals manager Davey Johnson showed for a Washington radio show. the story came up about Boston Red Sox catcher Mike Napoli’s apparently dating an “adult film actress”/porn star. Johnson’s reply: “Well none of my guys could, ’cause we can’t score.”

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Bradley Manning is now referring to himself as Chelsea, and wants to begin hormone therapy right away in prison. Given the way he feels about the U.S. Government, however, I assume he is looking for private donations to pay for it?

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David Ortiz told a reporter than he disapproved of Ryan Dempster throwing at Alex Rodriguez. I’m sure the fact that Big Papi was named in the Mitchell Report as allegedly testing positive for steroids in 2003 had nothing to do with it….

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From T.C.  “Tiger Woods, complaining of a sore neck and back, did not play the back nine of his pro-am Wednesday in New Jersey because he said his mistress, I mean mattress, at the hotel was too soft.”

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And okay, for a serious end to this post, we’ve heard enough about the young black/biracial thugs in Oklahoma. How about these two black women? You go girls.

http://www.cnn.com/2013/08/22/us/georgia-school-shooting-911-reunion/index.html?hpt=hp_t1

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Comments: 2 Comments

Somethin’ always happens whenever we’re together…

Posted August 21, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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David Cassidy has been arrested again for DUI, the second time in three years. Looks like the former Partridge Family star was been taking “C’mon, get happy” a little too literally.

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There’s now some buzz in the media over whether or not Tim Tebow will make New England’s final roster. The Patriots have to love this – finally some headlines that don’t involve a Brady injury or murder.

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Wow, just wow. A recent survey of Louisiana Republicans asked who was most to blame for the Government response to Katrina. 22% said George W. Bush. 29% said Barack Obama. (No joke. 44% weren’t sure.)

 

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A-Rod says he has told his legal team to shut down the rhetoric with MLB and the Yankees because he’s “just focusing on baseball, just baseball.” Translation: “My lawyers are actually making me look WORSE.”

 

Celebrity Cruise Lines has cancelled four Alaska cruises due to a problem with one of their ship’s motors  Carnival’s response “FINALLY, it’s not us.”

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Imitating the airlines?  Holland America Line is sending out revised invoices because they say “govt fees and taxes are subject to change” and the actual taxes and fees now exceed their estimates.  The increase $4.08 a person.  Probably cost more than that to send the invoice.

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A North Carolina man has been arrested for the third time for giving women unwanted backrubs. What’s his defense? That he someday wants to run for Mayor of San Diego?

 

No word from the NRA after the senseless shooting of a college baseball player in Oklahoma. Half expect someone to say this would not have happened if the young Australian man had been armed.

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Miguel Cabrera played today after appearing to have injured himself again in last night’s game. The Tigers’ star has been playing through a strained lower abdomen, injured hip and banged-up left leg. Gosh, can you imagine how Cabrera would hit if he were healthy?

 

 

So much success in sports is due to the luck of the draw on physical gifts. For the Little League World Series, add to that “the luck of the draw on reaching puberty.”

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Although prosecutors had asked for 60 years, Bradley Manning was sentenced to 35 years for leaking government secrets. After precisely the sort of “fair and open trial” Edward Snowden is in Russia trying to avoid.

 

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To Puig or not to Puig

Posted August 21, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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Yasiel Puig was fined by the L.A. Dodgers for showing up late at the stadium Tuesday in Miami before the team’s game with the Marlins. Puig said he was caught in traffic. Guess he should have called Lebron James for advice on getting a police escort.

 

Think I’ve figured this out. Dodgers fans know Yasiel Puig is a spirited young sweetheart, Giants fans know he’s an immature young punk. And if he’d signed with SF we’d both know the opposite.

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SF Giants score tying run on a foul ball, and winning run on a bases loaded walk on a strike. Cue Rod Serling.

(as my friend Robert says, “Let’s all acknowledge that ball four was closer to a strike than anything A-Rod saw from another Red Sox pitcher.)

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And the Giants won 3-2 despite being 0-10 with runners in scoring position. 

 

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–Jennifer Lopez will apparently be returning to American Idol this year. Translation, neither of them had a better offer.

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Ah consistency, thy name is not MLB. Ryan Dempster was suspended for five games and fined for hitting A-Rod with a pitch. If Dempster appeals his suspension, however, it will be heard and decided right away.

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But major lesson from the Ryan Dempster-Alex Rodriguez “incident”: If you’re going to throw at someone, have enough control to hit them on the first pitch.

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From Bill Littlejohn:   During Sunday’s game, Colts QB Chandler Harnish hit sideline reporter Pam Oliver in the face with a pass.   It was the most errant pass to a sideline reporter since Joe Namath’s on Suzy Kolber.

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Al Jazeera America has started broadcasting, and of course there are questions about its potential bias. As opposed to our unbiased U.S. networks…. This from Jim Pinkerton on Fox News today “But look, they’re an Arab news channel and let’s face it, many if not most Arabs probably support what bin Laden was trying to do in terms of killing Americans and so on.

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Three kids who shot and killed an 20 year old Australian college baseball player in Oklahoma said they did it because “we were bored and we didn’t have anything to do so we decided to kill somebody.” 

Actually if they wanted to alleviate boredom with a gun I’m thinking they could have spent as much of the day as it took playing Russian Roulette

Comments: 4 Comments

Cruz-ing?

Posted August 20, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Tea Party darling and possible 2016 Presidential candidate Ted Cruz released his birth certificate. He was born in Canada to a U.S. mother and a Cuban father, which most legal scholars say qualifies him as a “natural-born citizen” and thus eligible to run under the Constitution. Fine, except do his fans realize that this means it doesn’t matter if Obama was born in Hawaii, in Kenya or on Mars, because his mother was a U.S. citizen, he is also “natural-born.”

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ESPN is reporting that allegedly Miguel Tejada, who was suspended 105 games for amphetamine use this season, was also implicated in the Biogenesis investigation. So MLB had the choice of suspending him for either case. Guess the league chose the option where their drug testing actually WORKED?

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Understatement of the week? In a USA Today story on Egypt, a reservations agent at the Cairo Four Seasons was quoted “We cannot accept any reservations until next Saturday, because as you know, there are bad circumstances around the hotel.

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Another thought about Ted Cruz’s birth certificate. Under Canadian law, unless he formally renounces it, he still has dual-citizenship, and could run for office in Canada. Of course, the country might view that as a serious threat to the U.S/Canada relationship.
 
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Aaron Hernandez, writing a letter to a fan from jail. “My biggest fear of all is she (my little girl) won’t know daddy.” Many people watching this case think it might be scarier if she DID end up knowing him.
 
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A-Rod’s lawyer said on the “Today Show” he wanted to talk more about the case, but was prohibited from doing so by baseball’s confidentiality clause. Then Matt Lauer showed him a document sent by MLB waiving confidentiality….. This isn’t a steroid issue any more, it’s the “World Series of Poker.”
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Stay classy Texas GOP men: A supporter of Greg Abbott, the attorney general running for Governor tweeted that Abbott “would absolutely demolish idiot @WendyDavisTexas in Gov race – run Wendy run! Retard Barbie to learn life lesson” Abbott’s initial response “Thanks for your support.”
 

After a spate of negative publicity, the NCAA has given a waiver to five-year Marine veteran Steven Rhodes to play football at Middle Tennessee State. Originally Rhodes was ruled illegible because he played in a military recreational league. (Now had he played pro-baseball like Chris Weinke or Russell Wilson, it wouldn’t have been a problem in the first place.)

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Dick Van Dyke, 87, barely escaped injury while driving his sports car on Highway 101 near L.A. The Jaguar caught fire and a passing motorist pulled him out of the car before it was engulfed in flames. Glad he’s okay, but 87? Even NFL players are thinking “Dude, ever heard of a car and driver?

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The Obama’s have adopted a second dog, Sunny, the same Portuguese Water Dog breed as Bo due to family allergies. GOP take on the new member of the President’s household? Just another Democrat supported by public funds.

Comments: 3 Comments

And the hits just keep on coming?

Posted August 18, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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Ryan Dempster appeared to have hit Alex Rodriguez deliberately in the ribs with a pitch tonight. A-Rod, however, has to count himself lucky that Bob Gibson is not still playing.

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Red Sox manager John Farrell talking about Dempster hitting A-Rod, “he had to establish his fastball in… I don’t know that he hit him on purpose, I don’t think he did…” He’d have done better defending Dempster by saying “My pitchers are good enough to hit someone intentionally on the first pitch.”

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Although at this point it’s hard to imagine the Red Sox dislike A-Rod anymore than the Yankees GM.  Brian Cashman’s relationship with Rodriguez makes George Steinbrenner’s with Billy Martin look positively cuddly.

 

Wonder how long it will take before the next intentional beaning to A-Rod comes in batting practice.

 

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The Obama family returned to the White House tonight after a 9 day vacation in Martha’s Vineyard. Many in Congress were critical of the trip, and no doubt more will criticize the President when when they return from their summer recess on Sept 9.

 

From T.C.   Ryan Dempster beaned A-Rod on a 3-0 pitch tonight. Yanks GM Brian Cashman sent Manager Joe Girardi out to argue the call.  Maybe to bring Alex back to the plate so Dempster could bean him again.

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Looks like the new Jobs movie is making about as much money as a sale on two-year old iPhones.

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Crooks are stupid item of the day: Police in Huntington Beach arrested a man and charged him with vandalism for allegedly scrawling obscenities on the side of patrol cars. They were tipped off when he “liked” photos of those damaged patrol cars on the department’s Facebook page.

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In three games against the Marlins in Miami, the SF Giants have scored 25 runs. Wonder if the team flew in a nearby Haitian witch doctor for the weekend?

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How the NFL preseason has changed. Teams used to worry about how many players would be injured. Now they also worry about how many will be arrested.

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All the talk now is about the Los Angeles Dodgers…. what about the Detroit Tigers? Running away with their division, and doing it without much of a year from Justin Verlander. If he gets hot in the postseason….”

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Pre-season madness.

Posted August 18, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized

Two more Ohio State starters have been suspended for the first game of the season, bringing the total to three (two arrests, one unspecified violation of team rules.) Gosh, this ought to bring the spread against Buffalo down under six touchdowns.

 

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Three posslble responses to the NY Jets’ QB controversy: 1. Mark Sanchez should start. 2. Geno Smith should start. 3. WTF does it matter, the Jets won’t make the postseason anyway.

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There’s a petition to recall San Diego mayor Bob Filner. Wouldn’t it be easier just to lure him out of the mayor’s office by telling him there are women interested in him, and then change the locks.

 

Well, no one will accuse them of being subtle. The NY Post, not endorsing Eliot Spitzer for comptroller: “New Yorkers will choose between two candidates for city comptroller in the Democratic primary. One is Scott Stringer, a conventional Manhattan liberal. The other is a completely unhinged Manhattan liberal.”

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By a 53 % to 18 % margin, Americans said there is not enough supervision over the NSA’s collection of telephone and Internet data, with Republicans more likely to say it’s an unnecessary intrusion. Of course, I am sure those same Republicans believe the NSA was doing its job correctly under George W. Bush.

 

–Another week of NFL preseason games down. Have to feel sorry for season ticket holders who shelled out money to watch something as meaningless as a pay-per-view of Kim Kardarshian and Kris Humphries’ wedding ceremony.

 

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Russian pole vaulter Yelena Isinbayeva, an IOC ambassdor, now says she was “misunderstood” over anti-gay remarks, saying that people should respect the laws of other countries when they are guests… But let me state in the strongest terms that I am opposed to any discrimination against gay people on the grounds of their sexuality, which is against the Olympic charter” Sounds like a joint statement written by a lawyer and a publicist.

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Not the Onion: Pepsi-flavored Cheetos are being sold in Japan. No, they aren’t available in the U.S., yet, but guessing the first state they are available will be somewhere they sell medical marijuana.

 

 

Miguel Tejada has been suspended 105 games, allegedly for an ADD drug. Sounds like what he was really suspended for was being too stupid to get a prescription.

 

 

40 ball pythons were confiscated from a single motel room on last week outside of Toronto. So was someone planning a possible sequel to “Snakes on a Plane?”

 

 

NCAA football hasn’t been like basketball with the “One and done” phenomenon for their stars. But looks like Johnny Manziel may have figured out a way to accomplish it.

Comments: 2 Comments

Sorry, Charlie

Posted August 16, 2013 by left coast sports babe
Categories: Uncategorized
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The Philadelphia Phillies fired Charlie Manuel, the winningest manager in their history. Guess out of respect for all he had done the team decided not to make him suffer through the last 6 weeks of the season.

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The GOP voted Friday not to allow CNN and NBC to sponsor their presidential primary debates if those networks air their programs about Hillary Clinton. The first step in a GOP victory plan to keep ANYONE from televising their presidential primary debates?

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Former Stanford pitcher Drew Storen has to be thankful to the SF Giants. He’d been sent down to AAA, but was recalled after Thursday’s game. Apparently the Nationals figured if their relievers couldn’t hold a lead against the Giants offense, they needed help fast.

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A new principal at Palo Alto (CA) High school has sent a letter to students warning them to stop the tradition of streaking on campus or face suspension. Here’s a simpler suggestion: remind students that their streaking will probably end up on Youtube for their future children, employers, etc to see….

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A 60 Minutes report said that A-Rod’s representatives were the ones that leaked the names of Ryan Braun and Yankees’ catcher Francisco Cervelli to MLB’s PED investigation. Added to his other problems, there goes Rodriguez’s chance of ever winning Miss Congeniality.

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A-Rod today later denied the report that he implicated fellow players, including a teammate as PED users. And why should we doubt anything Rodriguez says?

A new study found that drinking more than four cups of coffee is more likely to result in an early death. Wonder what the stats are for early death for anyone living with someone like that who DIDN’T make sure they had at least one cup of coffee in the morning.

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Meanwhile, a new Columbia University study found that 5 year-old children who drank at least 4 servings of soda a day were twice as likely than those who drank no soda to display aggressive violent behaviors and have trouble following instructions. Uh, my guess is 5 year-old kids with parents giving them at least 4 sodas a day just might have other issues affecting their behavior.

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What’s going on? Friday night the SF Giants almost outscored the SF 49ers?

(And who else saw the 14-10 score and thought-  I didn’t realize the 49ers were playing the Dolphins?)

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NJ Governor Chris Christie says he’d accept a medical marijuana bill allowing edible marijuana to be dispensed only to minors, not to patients of all ages. Well, guess he’s as well acquainted as anyone about the danger of adults getting the munchies?

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Kim Kardashian slammed Katie Couric on Instagram for sending her a baby gift, since Couric said recently she didn’t understand why the Kardashians were so famous. Kim’s caption read: “IHateFakeMediaFriends” Uh, does she think she has any real media friends?

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From Jim Barach:  Consumer experts say that people need to be careful now that Obamacare is taking hold as there are opportunities for swindlers, con men and rip-off artists. As opposed to the current health care system which is full of swindlers, con men and rip-off artists.

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