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Dumb and dumber, another sequel.

April 11, 2012

Arkansas has fired Bobby Petrino, saying the now-ex football coach, “knowingly misled” and “engaged in reckless behavior” with an employee less than half his age. Gosh, if there had only been another example of such a thing happening to a powerful man from Arkansas that Petrino might have learned from.

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You think you’ve had a rough month with your relationship? How’d you like to be Josh Morgan? He’s the fiance of Jessica Dorrell – Bobby Petrino’s passenger during his ill-fated motorcycle ride that ended up costing the Arkansas coach his job. Uh, how’s that June wedding planning going?

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Ozzie Guillen was suspended for five games for his comments about Fidel Castro. And somewhere Marge Schott is thinking, “In Miami, Ozzie, how could you be so stupid?”

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Not defending Ozzie Guillen and certainly not defending Fidel Castro. But one of the things Cuban-Americans rail about regarding their home country now is that there is no right to free speech.

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Thursday’s historic pitching matchup in Coors: Madison Bumgarner, 22, against Jamie Moyer, 49. Wonder if after each time the Rockies bat Moyer will yell to Madbum “Hey, punk, get off my mound.”

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Rick Santorum is ending his Presidential campaign. “Say it ain’t so” cried America’s comedy writers.

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Rick Santorum, with his campaign allegedly $1 million in debt, has suspended his run for President but has not endorsed Mitt Romney. Wonder if Santorum is waiting for Mitt to give him one million good reasons….

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A Japanese company has come up with “Sushi Robot” that can crank out 3,600 pieces per hour. Yikes. Should we be staying tuned for “Sushi McNuggets?”

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Speaking in support of the “Bush Tax Cuts,” George W. said in a speech he wished his name wasn’t so firmly attached to the cuts. Some in the GOP wish W’s name wasn’t so firmly attached to the Republican party.
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Newt Gingrich’s $500 check to pay the filing fee to get on the Utah ballot bounced. It’s this kind of intelligent attention to detail that has the former Speaker where he is today – third or fourth in a race where no one likes the front-runner and the #2 guy has dropped out.

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The Denver Post is doing a Titanic “100 Years Later” retrospective. Titled “Unsinkable, Unimaginable, Unforgettable.” Well, two out of three ain’t bad.

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From Gary Bachman: “The London tabloid The Sun reported Sunday that the final autopsy report of Whitney Houston has revealed 11 missing teeth. Today Houston will be granted posthumous British citizenship.”

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The times they are a changin’

April 10, 2012

Great final round at Augusta yesterday. A complete reversal from 1997, when a black man won the Masters, and Bubba was in the White House.

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Got to hand it to Ozzie Guillen. The guy reigns amongst sports figures for getting into the most trouble while still both avoiding arrest and keeping his pants on.

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Just added to the Miami Marlins ballpark giveaways in 2012? A commemorative Ozzie Guillen mouth gag.

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Two New Jersey men have filed a petition challenging President Obama’s place on the Democratic primary ballot because they claim he is not a natural-born citizen. And Snooki and the Situation responded “Wait a minute, and we’re supposed to be the stupid ones?”

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Marlins pitcher Mark Buerhrle apparently sliced the thumb on his pitching hand while opening a jar of mayonnaise. “I came in to make a sandwich and they said ‘You know we have people who can make sandwiches for you,’’’ Buehrle said. “(I said) ‘I’m a grown man, I can make my own sandwich.” Well, apparently not.

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Four-hit shutout for the SF Giants’ Barry Zito against the Colorado Rockies. WTF? Next thing someone will be trying to tell me the Mets are 4-0.

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Are New Yorkers going from Lin-sanity to DeMEnTSia?

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How improbable was Barry Zito’s shutout. In his post-game interview you almost expected to hear him thank “My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.”

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Actually, maybe God was behind Zito’s gem today. I mean, who else in the San Francisco area has done a better job of getting people on their feet screaming “Jesus Christ.”

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Even Jamie Moyer was thinking that it was time for Barry Zito to hang it up.

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Some wonder if Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino can survive the scandal resulting from his motorcycle crash involving his 25 year old assistant and the “inappropriate relationship.” Survive as football coach anyway. Petrino is now pretty well set up for running for Governor of Arkansas.

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Rick Santorum’s daughter is in the hospital, and Mitt Romney’s campaign is pulling its negative ads in Pennsylvania. Saying “We have done this out of deference to Sen. Santorum’s decision to suspend his campaign for personal family reasons,” (That and, “we think we’re winning anyway and this is a good way to save money.”)

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From Marc Ragovin: “So Mike Wallace has died. His funeral will take place immediately after the conclusion of the Raiders/Chiefs game, except on the west coast, where it will be held at its regular time.”

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Quick, duck behind a pearly gate?

April 8, 2012

Nervous times in heaven today, as they hear the words “Mike Wallace is here to see you.”

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A number of tributes to Mike Wallace, after he died today at the age of 93. Including one from Larry King, saying that he was “a dear & wonderful friend.” And no doubt King added privately ‘And so sad, to die so young.”

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The MS Balmoral cruise ship left Southampton April 8, 100 years after the RMS Titanic, with an announced plan to retrace the original route of the doomed ship. Well, one hopes not the EXACT route.

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On the Balmoral and other Titanic themed cruises, they will recreate menus from the original ship. Presumably women will be encouraged not to skip dessert.

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If anyone heard that the pitching-rich but offense-poor San Francisco Giants had scored 4, 4 and 6 runs in three games this weekend against the Arizona D’backs, the logical conclusion would have been that they won about two out of three at least…..

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So the SF Giants’ hopes of not starting 0 and 4 rest on the left arm of… Barry Zito?!!

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Yikes, Red Sox going to end up putting a keg in the bullpen after today. How do you blow a three run lead in the ninth and a two run lead in the eleventh, in the same game?

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The Mets are 3-0 and the Yankees are 0-3. And today in Hell, the ice skating is great.
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Tampa Bay Rays payroll at $64 million is about $4 million less than the New York Yankees are paying Texeira, A-Rod, and Jeter. Just sayin’.

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With Cain and Zito, the San Francisco Giants have the best paid #3 and #4 pitchers in baseball.

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Newt Gingrich said his campaign is “a little less” than $4.5 million in debt. And this is a man who is criticizing President Obama’s spending?

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Masters galleries were so white I almost expected to see a GOP debate break out.

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Say what you will about Tim Tebow’s sermon this morning. At least it’s nice seeing an NFL player make offseason headlines for something not involving a police press conference.

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And finally, Happy Easter Monday. In some countries it’s a major holiday. In the U.S.A. it’s mostly known as “Happy Half Priced Chocolate Bunny Day.”

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Hoppy Easter.

April 8, 2012

Appalling bunny on bunny violence. Happy Easter anyway.

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Another Easter thought: Love may fade. But marshmallow peeps are forever.

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Tim Tebow is giving an Easter Sunday sermon. Parishioners expect the speech to start slow but close with a great last ten minutes.

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Jamie Moyer tonight bid to be the oldest pitcher ever to win an MLB game. In honor of the occasion the Rockies were going to present him with a copy of his first ever box score. But they couldn’t find anyone to translate the original Sanskrit.

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Boston Red Sox 0-2 after a 10-0 shutout against the Detroit Tigers. Who knew- maybe beer and fried chicken are performance enhancing drugs.

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Donald Trump revised the rules in his Miss Universe pageant to allow transgender women like Jenna Talackova to compete. Makes some sense, Trump himself probably is a bit nebulous about the gender of that fuzzy thing that lives on his head.

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Thanks to a bill signed by Gov. Rick Scott, starting July 1, it will be legal in Florida to dye bunnies pink, chicks blue, and poodles purple. (A GOP senator put the amendment on an agriculture bill, at the request of a dog groomer, thereby repealing a 45-year-old ban on artificially dying or coloring certain animals or fowl.) Can we just let the Sunshine State secede and be done with it?

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Frustrated with his tee shot on the 16th today, Tiger Woods dropped his club and kicked it 15 yards. Woods may be fined by the PGA for his outburst, but on the brighter side, he’s allegedly been contacted for a tryout by a few NFL teams.

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That 18 year old who left school and her family to live with her teacher has broken up with him after his arrest for a relationship with another student in 1998. Jordan Powers said she ended things with James Hooker when he called her from jail, “My heart dropped. I felt betrayed. I just have a gut feeling there are other girls.” Ya think?

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Not a belated April Fool’s joke. Pizza Huts in the U.K. now selling Pizza with a hot dog stuffed crust. (Large size pizzas only, natch.) What’s most amazing, this idea didn’t originate in the U.S.

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Opening weak.

April 7, 2012

Okay, right this minute in the AL East, the Orioles, Rays and Blue Jays are all tied for first place, while the Red Sox and Yankees are tied for last. 161 games to go, but figured a lot of folks would enjoy seeing this.

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Nolan Ryan and Robin Ventura apparently chatted Friday for the 1st time since Ventura charged the mound after Ryan hit him with a pitch 19 years ago. Wonder if instead of a handshake Nolan gave Robin “noogies” for old times’ sake.

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Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are now an item. And some say that homosexual relationships are offensive

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Isiah Thomas, who went 26-65 in three seasons as a coach at FIU, was fired today by the school. He told ESPN that “this is the most surprising thing that has happened to me in basketball.” Sounds like Isiah is still as self-aware as he was with the Knicks.

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Thomas Kinkade, “Painter of Light,” and the self described “Most Collected Living Artist” died today at the age of 54. Condolences to his family, but change that second trademark.

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Mario Rubio said this week “I’m not going to be the vice president,” Is that a comment on running with Mitt Romney, or the likely outcome of the election?

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An anti-abortion bill in Arizona would declare that pregnancy starts on the date of a women’s last menstrual period. Heck, what’s next, claiming pregnancy may start as soon as that second margarita?

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Christopher Hooker, 41, that Modesto teacher who left his family to move in Jordan Powers, 18, his ex-student, said their love was for real and would last. Now it turns out Hooker’s been arrested for having a relationship in 1998 with another girl student, who was 17. Guess he didn’t specify how long it would last.

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All these predictions for who will win in MLB this season, here’s a different prediction game. Which teams have a chance to lose 100 games? No prizes, just the chance to declare yourself a true “connoisseur of crap.”

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Reaction around the NFL to the Saints locker room audio: One – “That’s despicable.” Two – “Quick, burn OUR tapes.”

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Augusta, GA, police today were called to a Waffle House for a dispute involving two groups of women. (Apparently over a Facebook post about a relationship.) One woman was arrested after she allegedly fired shots into the air from a handgun. So who says all the action at Augusta is at the Masters?

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Syracuse’s Fab Melo, ruled ineligible twice last season due to academic issues, announced he will enter the NBA draft. So sounds like next year Melo will be going to class about as much as he did this year.

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When will they ever learn? Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino, 51, has now been put on leave by the University after it turns out that he had a 25 year old female passenger with him when he had his late-night motorcycle crash. The woman, Jessica Dorrell, was hired last month to work under Petrino. So to speak.

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Can you hear me now?

April 6, 2012

Jim Marshall, known as “The Father of Loud,” for inventing the Marshall amplifiers beloved by rock and roll guitarists, has died at the age of 88. What’s that you say? Can’t hear you……

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Mitt Romney today accused President Obama of spending “too much time at Harvard.” Now, Barack Obama spent three years at Harvard Law School. But Mitt himself got a JD/MBA at Harvard….and it took him four years. Sounds like he’s picking up Rick Santorum’s disdain for math.

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Not saying Masters’ galleries are white, but they look like they’ve just come from watching a GOP debate.

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Overheard at the Masters – “Is that Tiger’s gallery, or a waitress convention?”

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Mitt Romney says that Augusta should admit women members. Great. So who says the GOP is anti-female. At least Mitt supports the rights of rich women to pay $10,000 yearly dues to play golf.

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In a Masters practice round, Martin Kaymar scored a hole in one by skipping it off the pond. It was the most impressive water feat at Augusta since Tiger used to walk on it.

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A Los Angeles area woman was arrested for driving on a freeway while texting and holding her baby daughter in her lap, (along with having a two year old and four year old also in the car with no seat belts or carseats.) Presumably she was also listening to a CD by Britney Spears?

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Van Gogh Vodka announced a new Peanut Butter and Jelly vodka. If James Bond wasn’t dead, this just killed him.

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The Chicago Cubs blew a 1-0 lead in the 8th to lose their opener 2-1 to the Washington Nationals. Is it time to break out the “Wait until 2013” shirts?

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Alex Rodriguez has started posting on Facebook. Presumably A-Rod just found out he could “like” his own posts.

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Hmm, hope no one has an audio tape of our girls Powderpuff Football locker room meeting before the Juniors vs. Seniors game back at Lake Brantley High School in Florida. Remember very clearly the coach’s instructions to us girls playing defense “Explode, penetrate, KILL.”

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Costa Cruise Line says their bookings are up this Easter compared to 2011. Makes some sense I guess, travelers are also flocking to Titanic anniversary cruises.

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Rupert Murdoch’s UK Sky News says that their computer hacking was “in the public interest.” I think I like “I committed adultery because I felt so passionately about this country” better.

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On the subject of the 49ers’ Kyle Williams “The thing is, he had four concussions, so our biggest thing, was to take him outta the game.” “We were just like ‘We gotta put a hit on that guy.'” Quotes from Bountygate? No, the New York Giants, bragging after their 2011 playoff game when Williams fumbled twice.

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from my friend Gary Bachman: Data from the 1940 US Census has just been released to the public. To give you an indication how long ago that was, Barack Obama wasn’t yet born and Mitt Romney had yet to be built.

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Opening WTF?

April 5, 2012

Two A’s-Mariners games last week, Marlins-Cardinals tonight, the rest of MLB starts Thursday or Friday. Sorry Bud Selig, less is more; “Opening Day” is awesome. “Opening Week” s*cks.

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But really, we won’t know it’s really opening day until Cubs fans break out their new “Wait until next year” shirts.

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The Masters starts Thursday morning, from Augusta National Golf Club. One of the few places on Earth where Mitt Romney is referred to as “a regular guy.”

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Bond fans screaming “Say it ain’t so?!” Due to a Heineken contract, James Bond will be drinking beer instead of a martini in his next movie. What’s next, 007 telling women he wants to wait for physical intimacy until they are in a committed relationship?

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According to the autopsy report, “white powdery substances and a spoon with white residue” were found in the hotel room where Whitney Houston died. Sad, but “I’m shocked,” said absolutely nobody.

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Ryan Gosling apparently saved a British journalist named Laurie Penny from being hit by a car this week in New York. Earning him respect and admiration from his fellow actors, once they found out she didn’t work for “News of the World.”

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Macy’s flagship store in New York had to evacuate due to a small basement fire today. You know what that means. Stay tuned for Macy’s new “Two Day Fire Sale with One Day Special Preview.”

(or as my friend Rich suggests “Black Flower Days.”)

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John McCain urged Mitt Romney “not to rush to judgment” when picking his running mate. Gosh, wonder why he would say that?

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Kentucky coach John Calipari said he’s not planning to coach the New York Knicks or any other NBA team – “Kentucky is the best job in basketball coaching, why would I leave?” At least not until the next NCAA investigation.

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Sarah Palin’s appearance on the “Today” show apparently didn’t turn out to be the ratings boost NBC had hoped for. Does this mean “Palin-sanity” is over?

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Levi Johnston, 21, has announced that his latest girlfriend, Sunny Oglesby, 20, is pregnant. Levi told TMZ.com the pregnancy was an unexpected surprise: “Things happen and we are both happy with what came of it.” Yeah, looks like Bristol Palin’s abstinence campaign is really working.

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Ryan Seacrest will be taking part in NBC’s Olympic coverage. Wonderful. Stand by for “Who’ll win the Gold? We’ll find out, after the break….”

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Rick Santorum went bowling with some friends and staffers today, and ended up with three strikes and two spares while scoring 145. So at least when faced with a bowling lane, Rick proved it was possible for him to go towards the center.

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The GOP Primary winner – Are we there yet?

April 4, 2012

Production will begin this September on a sequel to “Dumb and Dumber.” The movie is again expected to star Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels. Either that or it will be a documentary about the GOP Presidential Primaries.

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Mitt Romney picked up 16 delegates with a win in Washington, D.C. tonight. With a total of 3,122 votes. Not a typo. 3,122. Heck, the Nationals got that many fans when they were the Expos.

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Fortunately, no deaths were reported when a small plane crashed into a supermarket near Orlando this morning. This being Florida I wonder how long the plane had been flying with its left blinker on.

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Rick Santorum said today that he read that “7 or 8 of the California system of universities don’t even teach an American history course.” Uh, Rick, ALL the UCs and CSU campus teach and require U.S. History, espec for UCSF which is a med school.

So what’s more likely to happen – that Santorum apologizes. Or that he blames this all on the education system that taught him to read.

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Sarah Palin on the Today show about Mitt Romney potentially getting the nomination “Anything is still possible. There can still be a bit of a shake-up. But the numbers are what the numbers are.” Palin sounds about as excited by Mitt as most GOP primary voters.

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Another weird primary detail. Media reporting “Big win” for Romney in Wisconsin. But he got 42.5 % of vote to Santorum’s 37.7 %. With Paul,Gingrich, Bachmann and Huntsman also getting votes. Meaning 57.5 % of voters still said “Not Obama, but Anyone But Mitt.”

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Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich had both compared themselves to Kansas last Sunday, after the Jayhawks’ surprising comeback against Ohio State. Did someone tell them that was only the NCAA semi-finals?

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Fortunately, no deaths were reported when a small plane crashed into a supermarket near Orlando this morning. This being Florida I wonder how long the plane had been flying with its left blinker on.

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Joe Flacco today told a Baltimore radio station that he believes he’s the “best” quarterback in the NFL. Quick, check that man for concussions.

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Boston Red Sox closer Andrew Bailey will probably need surgery on his thumb, and Josh Beckett has also reported a thumb injury. When will they ever learn – get the ball boys to open your beer cans.

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President Obama referred to the Republican House Budget as “Social Darwinism.” Given the views of most of the GOP field, this may be the first time this year “Republican” and “Darwinism” have been used in the same sentence.

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Kentucky star Anthony Davis says he hasn’t decided about leaving the team for the NBA draft, saying he’s just going to “sit down with my coach, sit down with my family, see what the best decision is for me.”
When asked if there were particular classes he wanted to take, wonder if Davis responded “classes?”

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For April Fool’s Day Air New Zealand offered a “StraightUp” airfare deal that promised “affordable domestic air travel” for anyone willing to use hand holds and stand in the aisle for the duration of the flight.” They’ve confessed the joke, but in the meantime several U.S. carriers started studying the idea.

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Tornadoes are ripping through Texas. The winds are strong enough there are rumors that Rick Perry’s hair actually moved.

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From comedy writing friend John Roman: A tornado is headed for DFW Airport, where it will probably be delayed for about 2 hours.

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President Barack Obama says if President Ronald Reagan was running for president now, he “could not get through a Republican primary today.” Not to mention he’d be the intellectual in the race.

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We’re number one, and done.

April 3, 2012

Which was a bigger joke in tonight’s NCAA mens’s finals? Pretending anyone can actually see the basketball court from the upper seats at the Super Dome? Or pretending all these “one and done”s on Kentucky are really student-athletes?

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What’s wrong with college basketball? For starters, a team of mostly freshmen won the National Championship for Kentucky. And they won’t even be enrolled at the school long enough to watch them hang the banner.

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Anyone on a diet and need a good appetite suppressant? I give you Ann Romney’s response when asked if her husband is too stiff – “We better unzip him and let the real Mitt Romney out.”

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President Obama at halftime talking about his daughters playing basketball. Apparently 10 year old Sasha is especially good. Let’s see, smart girl, genes for height and athleticism (uncle Craig Robinson played at Princeton.)…. wonder how long until Tara pays a recruiting call to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave?

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The European plane maker, Airbus is apparently studying the idea of building new planes with narrower window and middle seats, and wider aisle seats. These would be for larger passengers and those who just want more space. Standby for the “aisle” surcharge.

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Ryan Leaf, arrested for the second time in two days for allegedly stealing prescription pain pills. Waiting for Rush Limbaugh to weigh in on this one.

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Bill Clinton said he would be supportive if Hillary ran for President in 2016. Is anyone surprised? It would entail a lot of time on the road away from home…

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Matt Cain just signed a 6 year, $127 million contract. And the Yankees responded with the same sigh that a very wealthy man makes when the dealer tells them someone already bought the very expensive sports car they were eyeing.

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Some parents in an upscale Brooklyn, NY neighborhood want to ban ice cream trucks from a park because their children become so upset when they are told they can’t have a treat. (http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/slopers_creamy_river_lcaxb1lj4D0SHqo4f2K3GO) And no, apparently this was not an April Fool’s joke…sigh.

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As we edge close to another opening day, a comment from Bill Littlejohn on the Texas Rangers’ 2-foot-long, 3,000-calorie hot dog: “It’s called The Kevorkian.”

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Ubaldo Jimenez was suspended for hitting his former teammate Troy Tulowitzki in the left elbow with a pitch. While it looked pretty blatant, in Jiminez’s defense he hasn’t thrown many pitches where he’s wanted to all spring. (Of course another possibility is that he wanted to hit Tulowitzki in the head.)

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If you are reading this at work on Monday

April 2, 2012

You didn’t win the Mega Millions.

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A Kansas man bought lottery tickets Thursday and joked to an friend about having “a better chance of getting struck by lightning” than winning. Then he survived after being hit by lightning that same night. (And, no, he didn’t win the lottery.) Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?

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Great year for Stanford women’s basketball. But against Baylor tonight they were .333 (20-60) on field goals, and .118 (2-17) on 3 pointers. Condoleeza Rice was in attendance… did she inspire the team to shoot like Dick Cheney?

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Congrats to Baylor’s Kim Mulkey for being named the AP women’s college basketball Coach of the Year. Her recipe for success – start with a 6’8″ center who can dunk.

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Congrats to the Notre Dame women, into the NCAA women’s championship game. But those lime green shirts their fans are wearing make Oregon football uniforms look good.

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After the University of Kentucky defeated rival Louisville, fans took to the streets in Lexington setting dozens of fires and flipping over at least one car. A police spokeswoman said nothing happened that wasn’t anticipated and that police were “very pleased.” Yikes, wonder what’s “anticipated” if the Wildcats win it all on Monday.

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Petrotrin, Trinidad’s state-owned petroleum company. announced it has discovered 48 million barrels of crude oil off the island’s southwest coast. Wonder who will be the first GOP candidate calling for the invasion of Trinidad.

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John Calipari has another team into the NCAA championship. So the two big questions for the game. Will Kentucky steamroll Kansas or fall short? And if the Wildcats win, how long will it take the NCAA to talk about them vacating the title?

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Pundits are saying that Mitt Romney seems to be increasingly inevitable as the GOP presidential candidate. And most Republicans are as excited about that as they are about death and taxes.

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SF manager Bruce Bochy said Barry Zito won’t return to the Bay Area with the team, but will stay in Arizona for a few days in hopes he can tweak his delivery. Giants fans are thinking, that’s fine. Can he stay until, say June?

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NJ Gov. Chris Christie told Oprah last week that he would be “much more ready four years from now” to run for president. Sounds like Christie doesn’t think he’ll be running against a Republican incumbent.

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Adam Sandler’s “Jack and Jill” swept the Razzies this year, “winning” the worst award in all 10 categories. Is it too soon to bet on a similar sweep for “John Carter” in 2013?

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A security breach at Global Payments, a credit card payment processor for Visa, Mastercard, American Express and Discover, was first reported potentially to have exposed 10 million card holders. Now the company says it believes less than 1.5 million credit card numbers were stolen. Well, then, we all should feel so much better now?

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Missed it by THAT much.

April 1, 2012

Unlike millions of Americans, Mitt Romney said yesterday he wasn’t going to buy a Mega Millions lottery ticket. Guess Mitt decided he would hold out for a really big jackpot.

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The Azamara Quest is sailing slowly to Malaysia after repairs from an engine room fire that left the cruise ship temporarily disabled. Azamura Club Cruises says electricity has been restored, and all safety procedures were followed – including keeping the captain from falling into any lifeboats

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Mitt Romney says winning the upcoming Wisconsin, Maryland and D.C. primaries Tuesday would be a “big statement.” But really, Romney’s problem hasn’t been the big statement, it’s been changing that statement a week later.

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“Octomom” Nadya Suleman has apparently gone back on her anti-welfare statements and is now receiving $2,000 a month in food assistance from the state of California. Wonder where all the conservative pro-life protesters backing her up are on this one.

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A new CNBC poll says more U.S. homes have Apple products than married couples or children. Of course, spending time with Apple products probably decreases the chances of both marriage and children.

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Much buzz about the fact that whoever bought the Mega Millions winning ticket near Baltimore only bought a single “Quick Pick” ticket. Well, at odds of 175,000,000 to one, the odds on one ticket weren’t significantly lower than one in ten.

(or at least as good as that as a Ron Paul donor’s odds of their candidate winning the GOP nomination.)

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Three of the four teams left in the men’s Final Four are within 200 miles of each other. (Louisville, UK, OSU) and the fourth, Kansas, is still in the Midwest. Which means the East Coast now gets to understand how most Americans feel about all those televised Red Sox Yankees games.

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Jeremy Lin will have knee surgery and probably miss the rest of the NBA season. He still probably spent more time on the court for the Knicks this year than most of the men playing basketball in the NCAA Final Four have spent in classes.

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At this point the only way the SF Giants may be able to get any value out of Barry Zito is to keep paying his salary and trade him to another NL West team.

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Jamie Moyer can become the oldest MLB pitcher with a victory if he wins his first start of the year for the Rockies April 7. Although the game is against the Astros, so would the accomplishment have an asterisk?

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Ann Coulter, trying to get Newt Gingrich out of the Presidential race, said “you can’t have two affairs and run for president.” Showing that her knowledge of history is as strong as her sense of civility.

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Two scoreless innings for Guillermo Mota Saturday. So has anyone asked Bruce Bochy if he’s considered starting Mota and putting Barry Zito in long relief?

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Mega Million Scraps of Paper…

March 31, 2012

Wonder how much money you would get for recycling all the non-winning lottery tickets from Friday….

For all those disappointed folks who spent money on Mega Millions and still haven’t given up on chasing the impossible dream, the Cubs are considering taking nonrefundable deposits on World Series tickets.

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For the sake of the U.S. unemployment rate let’s hope that millions of Americans did not tell their bosses off on Friday in anticipation of being lottery millionaires on Monday.

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The Mega Millions jackpot is up to $640 million. And President Obama may be thinking “Forget this mandate thing, we’ll come up with a system where if people buy health insurance we’ll give them a free monthly lottery ticket.”

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$540 mega-million lottery Friday. Newt Gingrich wonders if winnings are community property, Rick Santorum is thinking God will decide the lucky numbers. And Mitt Romney will say that the winner needs a tax cut.

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The SF Giants have a partnership with Virgin America, including a team plane, which has the Giants logo and a beard. Wonder if the New York Mets will partner with JetBlue. Both have a little trouble getting off the ground, and when they do, things can get a little crazy.

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A 26 year old Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader was indicted Thursday for allegedly having sex with a student when she was a teacher a local high school. She could face up to five years in jail. The boy’s friends may face hearing him brag about it for a lifetime.

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With all the “one and dones” at the top schools, shouldn’t we refer to this weekend’s Men’s NCAA Final Four as the “Championship for the NBA’s REAL D. League?”

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NY GOP Congressional candidate Matt Doheny, with a fiancee back home, was allegedly seen kissing a campaign consultant in Washington, D.C. On a brighter note for his campaign, at least the consultant was female.

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Aging legend Jerry Lee Lewis has married for the 7th time. Judith Brown, his new bride said “Everything just felt right. Neither of us feels like we’ve been married before.” Of course, in Lewis’s case, he now may not REMEMBER being married before.

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A misdemeanor domestic battery charge against Manny Ramirez has been dropped in Florida. Apparently because his wife refuses to cooperate with the investigation. That and the fact that few believe Manny can hit anyone anymore.

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Kate Winslet says hearing Celine Dion’s “My heart will go on,” makes her want to throw up. Well, that makes about 20 million and one of us.

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Congrats to Jamie Moyer,49, who made the Colorado Rockies, and will now be the oldest pitcher ever on a MLB Opening Day roster. Moyer’s next challenge, to become the first pitcher whose age is a higher number than his pitch speed.

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From T.C. Chong. “Jeremy Lin had lunch with fired reporter Anthony Federico today. Anthony apologized profusely for writing the now famous ESPN.com headline. Half an hour later, they ordered another lunch and the writer apologized again.”

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The Past is Gone…..

March 30, 2012

Because we cannot remember it?

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Aerosmith is touring again. Not to say the band is getting old, but their opening song may be “Walker this way.”

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Stanford 75 – Minnesota 51. Go figure. Not only was the Cardinal in the regular season not good enough to make the NCAA’s, they weren’t even close to the best Pac 12 team in the NIT.

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Jeremy Lin now says he “absolutely” believes divine intervention was at work in creating “Lin-sanity.” Which s basically what Tim Tebow says about his own success last fall. So what’s up now? Is God scouting MLB spring training for His/Her next project?

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Former Maryland coach Gary Williams told Washington radio station he thought the Kentucky Wildcats could beat the NBA’s Washington Wizards. Heck, these days the Washington Generals could beat the Washington Wizards.

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For comedy-writers trying to write bipartisan jokes, happy days are here again – Joe Biden is back on the campaign trail. Today referring to community college president Dr. Terry Paper in Iowa as “Dr. Pepper.”

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Millions of Americans are lining up to buy tickets for the $540 Mega Millions jackpot this Friday. Makes sense, these are the same people voting for politicians who promise lower taxes with zero cuts in services they care about.

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Omar Vizquel, 44, has made the Blue Jays roster for 2012. Jamie Moyer is sending his congratulations, adding “Omar is such a hardworking young man.”

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A company (J &D’s Foods) claims on their website that they are actually making a bacon coffin. “This genuine bacon casket is made of 18 Gauge Gasketed Steel with Premium Bacon Exterior/Interior.” Makes a certain amount of sense – be buried in what put you in the ground in the first place.

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A 29 year-old man was caught at Philadelphia Airport with fireworks in his carryon bag. Apparently it was determined he is not a terrorist. But wonder if they charged him with felony stupidity.

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The Donald, presumably bored with 2012, is predicting the next Democratic presidential primary, and saying “Hillary Clinton, I think, is a terrific woman. I just like her. I like her and I like her husband.” Is he angling for Clinton-Trump 2016?

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One problem facing Americans today is that it’s hard to tell the real news from the satire. (As in, is it the mainstream media, or the Onion?)
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The Marlins just released Aaron Rowand. Which means he’ll be getting about as many big hits for Miami as he did last year for the San Francisco Giants.

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Newt Gingrich apparently met secretly with Mitt Romney on Saturday. It could have been to talk about the race. Or maybe since Newt has been married now to his third wife Callista for 12 years, he just missed having secret meetings.
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“I’ll be here all week, try the truffle and caviar topped veal…”

March 29, 2012

Yep, he’s a laugh a minute. Mitt Romney has moved on to Wisconsin, where he told anecdotes to a crowd, saying “One of the most humorous I think relates to my father….” The story was about his dad closing a factory….

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Arlen Specter said today “Bill [Maher] had it exactly right; he said that Mitt Romney has changed positions more often than a pornographic movie queen.” Prompting immediate demands for an apology – from porn movie queens.

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Matt Kemp, on the sale of his team to a group led by Magic Johnson – “This is a pretty good day for the Dodgers.” True enough, but isn’t any day that gets Frank McCourt out of the owner’s box a “pretty good day for the Dodgers?”

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Unreal, Frank McCourt almost destroys a once-proud Dodgers franchise, and walks away with several hundred million dollars. What’s next? Someone will hire him to run an airline?

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Dwayne Wade is apparently writing a book on fatherhood, and said “For me, it was therapeutic to do this.” Impressive in this “one and done” age for NBA players. Not only that Wade can write a book, but that he knows the word “therapeutic.”

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In case you missed opening night (late night), by the time you read this, you’ve probably already also missed the 2nd game of the 2012 MLB Baseball season was televised live March 29 on MLB Network and MLB.TV with no blackout restrictions. At 2:00am Pacific Time. Thank you Bud Selig.

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Justice Scalia to Paul Clement, the lawyer arguing against “Obamacare” – “Is there any chance at all that 26 States opposing it have Republican governors and all of the states supporting it have Democratic governors? Is that possible?” Wonder if Scalia next asked if there was gambling in Casablanca?
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Bill Parcells, on the possible interim Saints coaching job: “Sean’s become a dear, dear friend. I’m trying to be a friend. If he needs me and the owner and GM feel the same way, then I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t consider it.” That and the Saints may be able to give him several million more reasons.

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One question after Romney’s latest “did he say that?” moment, i.e. telling a “humorous story” about his father closing a factory. So where does Mitt find his speechwriters?

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Tom Verducci of Sports Illustrated has made his predictions for the 2012 MLB season and he has the New York Mets in last place in the NL East with a 75-87 record. Longtime New York fans are shocked – Verducci actually thinks the Mets will win 75 games?

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It’s official, there will be an “Anchorman 2” starring Will Ferrell. I don’t know how to put this but I guess that’s kind of a big deal.

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From Marc Ragovin: New Jet Blue Slogan. “We’re Crazy About Flying.”

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Not In Tournament.

March 28, 2012

The NIT men’s tournament final will feature Minnesota against Stanford. If Stanford, generally considered the most academically-oriented team in this years tournament wins, will they be known as the “NIT-Wits?”

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Newt Gingrich is laying off about 1/3 of his staff. And no doubt he will blame the resulting unemployment increase on Obama.

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Does the men’s basketball NIT trophy have an image on it of a big fish in a very small pond?

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When Mitt Romney remodels his California beach house, he plans to install a separate car elevator. Will the elevator have room for dog crates on the roof?

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On the Tonight Show Tuesday Mitt Romney referred to Chris Christie as “indomitable” Many skeptical GOP primary voters commented, “See, how do you expect us to support someone who uses all those fancy foreign words?”

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As we approach the Final Four, many outside the state may not realize just how much Louisville and U. Kentucky hate each other. In fact, there hasn’t been so much animosity in Kentucky since two brothers both wanted to marry their same sister.

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In Dubai, they now have an “emergency pizza button.” It’s an electronic fridge magnet that you press that uses your smart phone’s bluetooth connection to send your regular order to your regular pizza place. Uh, two things, one, wouldn’t programming the number into your phone be as effective and, two, this sounds so lazy are we sure it wasn’t invented by an American?

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Arthur Blank, owner of the Atlanta Falcons, has come out in support of the NFL’s penalties for the New Orleans Saints, saying “I think he (Goodell) dealt with it appropriately.” Translation, the Falcons didn’t have bounties, and if we did, the records have been expunged.

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The province of Ontario, Canada, just legalized brothels. In related news, a lot of free agent players just added the Raptors and Blue Jays to their lists.

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The International Volleyball Federation says it will allow women beach volleyball players to wear shorts and sleeved tops instead of bikinis at the London Olympics. That crashing sound you just heard was advertising rates based on potential viewership falling through the floor.

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Sarah Palin’s comment about Rick Santorum’s swearing at that (sic)”liberal, leftist, in-the-tank-for-Obama press character.” : “It was good, and it was strong, and it was about time.” As usual Sarah, class, nothing but class.

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Okay San Francisco Giants fans, a friend reports that Aaron Rowand is batting 6-45 (.133) for FLA. It’s still spring training but sounds like Rowand is already in midseason form.
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Frank McCourt has agreed to sell the Los Angeles Dodgers to a group led by Magic Johnson for $2 billion. McCourt bought the team for $430 million in 2004, so even after running the team into the ground, incurring debt, a messy divorce,,paying lawyers….the guy will make several hundred million dollars. And according to the GOP Presidential candidates, he still needs a tax cut.

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A New York state of mind.

March 27, 2012

With the ebb and flow of Lin-sanity and now the Tebow-Sanchez potential made-for-TV drama, there’s good news for some New York fans. For at least some of this spring, the biggest circus in New York may not involve the Mets.

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After watching the Tim Tebow press conference: Have to wonder – the over-under on how many bad Mark Sanchez quarters/games it will take to have fans start screaming “Tebow, Tebow?”

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The U.S. men’s soccer U-23 team officially failed to qualify for the Olympics tonight. Thereby depriving Americans of a chance to scream “USA! USA” again this summer for a sport most otherwise don’t care about.

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Dominque Strauss-Kahn has been charged with involvement in a French prostitution ring. His lawyer denies wrongdoing and added that it is wrong to prosecute Strauss-Kahn for “simple libertine activity.” Responded Bill Clinton “Yeah, what he said.”

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Actual fight at end of Baylor-Tennessee women’s basketball game. Wow, if this sort of thing keeps up ratings may skyrocket.

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Bus to hell time. Bobby Brown has been arrested again, this time for alleged DUI’s. Many of Whitney Houston’s friends and relatives are just telling him it’s time to relax with a nice long bath.

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Some are now circulating a story that Trayvon Martin was the one who first attacked George Zimmerman. Not sure we will ever know exactly what transpired between the two of them, but one thing is certain – had Zimmerman just listened to the police dispatcher who told him not to follow Martin, none of this would have happened.

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Since it’s been three plus weeks since they merged with Continental, United Airlines has given up on saying “we’ve been experiencing high call volumes for several days.” Now their message to VIP flyers just says “We’re still experiencing high call volumes. If your call can wait please try back later.” Presumably like in 2013?

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Rick Santorum told a reporter yesterday ““Quit distorting my words It’s bullsh*t.” Now really, is that appropriate language for a potential president? Maybe Santorum really is running for V.P.?

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Jamie Moyer, 49, pitched four perfect innings against the San Francisco Giants in a spring training game this weekend. Which probably means either that Moyer is still a big league pitcher, that the Giants are still not big league hitters.

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Great line from Jim Caple at ESPN.com about Jamie Moyer trying to pitch this year in the big leagues at 49. “The scouts no longer point the radar gun at you, they just count “One Mississippi, Two Mississippi.”
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Rick Santorum – “If you haven’t cursed out a NY Times reporter during the course of a campaign, you’re not really a real Republican.” Does that mean President Obama’s not a real Democrat because he hasn’t sworn at someone from Fox News?

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Ah politics… So when Obamacare was introduced, Republicans said it was a tax, Democrats said it wasn’t. Now, the govt says the mandate is at least allowable under Congress’ power to tax. And the GOP says it is not a tax…

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NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell believes that the New Orleans Saints were the only team with a bounty program. Makes sense, just like Bud Selig acted like Barry Bonds was the only star steroid user in baseball.
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The Colts, still apparently undecided about their #1 pick, will fly Andrew Luck to Indianapolis for a private workout. Even Brett Favre is saying “Dudes, make up your minds.”

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Jimmy Carter has finally left the Southern Baptist Church, saying “The truth is that male religious leaders had – & still have — an option to interpret holy teachings either to exalt or subjugate women. They have, for their own selfish ends, overwhelmingly chosen the latter. Their continuing choice provides the foundation or justification for much of the pervasive persecution and abuse of womenthroughout the world.” You go, guy!

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No BFF’s here.

March 26, 2012

Rick Santorum now said Sunday that Mitt Romney is “the worst Republican in the country to put up against Barack Obama.” Think the odds on Rick and Mitt being running mates are now officially worse than those of the Cubs winning the World Series.

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A Miss Vancouver finalist hoping to become Miss Universe was disqualified after it was discovered she had been born a boy. Officials say that the rules require a “naturally born female.” This might be the first time “natural” and Miss Universe have been used in the same sentence.

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In a spring training outing today, Barry Zito gave up hits to nine of the 18 hitters he faced in 2 1/3 innings. Yep, it’s only March and Zito looks to be in mid-season form.

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File this under “Irony.” Florida governor Rick Scott, responding to a question about George Zimmerman now fearing for his own safety: Scott stated that there has been no formal request to provide protection, but that “if he feels unsafe, then we’ll make sure nothing happens to him.”

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Tiger Woods got his first PGA tour victory since 2009. And CBS and Masters executives are Tebowing.

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An interactive thought from T.C. “It’s been over 2 years since Tiger ended up on top after a PGA tour event. (Insert punchline here.)

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A new poll shows half of GOP voters wish someone else were running for president. Shocking. 50 percent are actually happy with the choices?

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Even Oregon football players are saying the Baylor basketball uniforms are ugly.

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After two anti-Tebow tweets, New York Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie now says Tim can help after all. Did he get a message from God, or Jets management?

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Economic stimuli come in all kinds of strange ways.This week has been great for the sales of Etch A Sketch’s and hoodies.

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The Texas Rangers are selling a two-foot long, one-pound hot dog for $26. Isn’t that the regular price for a hot dog at Yankee Stadium?

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Rick Santorum won Louisiana by over 22 points. Does this mean Mitt Romney is thinking, “Darn, I should have had a beignet?

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Overheard at airport, the new name for the merged United-Continental. “Con U.”

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The Supreme Court will hear arguments on Obamacare this week. Got to love it – the fate of the healthcare bill decided by nine men and women who have jobs and benefits for life.

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Have a heart…

March 24, 2012

Former V.P. Dick Cheney, 71, is recovering after successful heart-transplant surgery. It was the longest recorded instance of someone surviving so long without one.

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Rick Santorum is now backtracking on comments he made saying Republicans might as well vote for President Obama as Mitt Romney. Santorum’s been trying to explain away so many remarks these days, he’s not just trying to catch Romney, he’s trying to BE Romney.

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A man was taken into custody after he tried to climb the The New York Times’ 52-story headquarters. He said he wanted a copy of the newspaper. Police describe him as “emotionally disturbed.” Wow, said most young people – he wanted a newspaper?

(or has some friends have suggested, “what’s a newspaper?”)

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Ann Romney, defending De Niro’s first lady joke. “We’re all overreacting to so many things, & making things so difficult, which means we have to watch every single word that comes out of our mouth. We can’t be spontaneous. We can’t be funny.” And Ann should know- she is married to Mitt, who can neither be spontaneous nor funny.

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Newt Gingrich called Obama’s “If I had a son, he’d look like Trayvon” comment “disgraceful.” Illustrating again why Newt is qualified to be President, of his lunar colony.

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Now that the clock has struck midnight for all the tournament Cinderellas, many sports fans can start thinking again about the REAL appeal of March Madness – it ends the night before Opening Day. Play ball.

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Mitt Romney is trying to shrug off the Etch A Sketch comparison. Mitt thinks he’s much more of a Transformer.

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Rick Santorum called Mitt Romney a potential “Etch a Sketch” president. So then who’s Gingrich? The potential “Weeble” president? (Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down.)

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Final Jeopardy answer on Friday: “Scrabble.” For any under 30 readers that’s the rotary phone version of “Words with Friends.”

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Just when they almost have us convinced that baseball players are athletes… Joba Chamberlain, out indefinitely with an ankle injury from playing with his son.

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A USA Today headline says “Tim Tebow, Jets hoping to avoid Big Apple circus” I think Tebow has a better chance of breaking Drew Brees’ passing record.

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Tebow or not Tebow. That is the question.

March 24, 2012

Mitt Romney’s definitely done some job creation this week. At Ohio Art. They make Etch A Sketch.

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Drew Stanton, the New York Jets previously expected backup QB, has apparently asked to be traded or released. I think that has been arranged.

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I can see it now when Tebow arrives in the Jets locker room. Rex Ryan “So Tim, tell me again about Jesus and that foot washing stuff.”

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from Bill Littlejohn: “It was strange to see John Elway standing next to his QB and not having to smile through clenched teeth.”

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The most disappointed fans with Bountygate have to be in Washington. Had it only been the Redskins found guilty instead of the Saints, maybe Goodell would have suspended Dan Snyder.

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Today’s example of how if aliens land they will conclude there is no intelligent life on this planet: http://now.msn.com/now/0322-romney-vs-birthers.aspx

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Rick Santorum, talking about his opposition: “If they’re going to be a little different, we might as well stay with what we have instead of taking a risk of what may be the Etch A Sketch candidate for the future.” When this campaign is over, Santorum may have a job waiting for him – on the Committee to Re-Elect the President.

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Newt Gingrich, on why he is still running -“”I’m staying in the race because I believe we ought to have a conservative who’s serious, who’s had national achievements and who doesn’t write his policy on an Etch A Sketch and zig-zag back and forth wildly.” Maybe so, but the GOP is still looking for that candidate.

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Pat Robertson on football:”Peyton Manning was a tremendous MVP QB, but he’s been injured. If that injury comes back, Denver will find itself without a quarterback — and in my opinion, it would serve them right.” “From your lips to God’s ear” responded other AFC West fans.

(Have to wonder why Robertson is so upset about the trade. Is he a Broncos fan or a Jets fan?)

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The Milwaukee Brewers have announced they will dedicate a statue of Bob Uecker on August 31. The statue will presumably be placed “just a bit outside” Miller Park.

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When you’re a Jet….

March 21, 2012

The New York Jets already overpaid for Mark Sanchez. Now apparently they’ve got Tim Tebow too? And late night comics are saying “Thank you, Jesus.”

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Let the fireworks begin. Tebow to the Jets for a fourth and sixth round pick. Where with Tim’s is 47.3% career completion percentage, he will be backup presumably to Mark Sanchez, with his gaudy 55.3% rate. I can hear those happy fans already.

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You cannot make this “stuff” up. A Romney staffer was asked about concerns that Romney was going too far to the right to appeal to moderates: His response: “Well, I think you hit a reset button for the fall campaign. Everything changes. It’s almost like an Etch-A-Sketch. You can kind of shake it up and restart all of over again.” Well, at least he’s honest.
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VCU men’s basketball coach Shaka Smart turned down the head coaching position at Illinois. Maybe he’s holding out for a high level amateur team closer to Richmond, like the Washington Wizards.

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In Miami Beach, an impatient woman driving an SUV sped up to cut in line in a gas station and accidently ran into the pump. The gas pump burst into flames, destroying itself and the SUV. The sad news, the driver survived unharmed.

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A woman engrossed in trying to change an appointment on her phone actually fell into Lake Michigan. (She was rescued by her husband and a passerby.) Seems like Apple needs a “common sense” app.

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Now that Mitt Romney is, by his spokesman’s own statement, the “Etch A Sketch” candidate, here’s a historical pop culture lesson for anyone under 30: An “Etch A Sketch” is kind of like an iPad drawing program that you shake instead of hitting “delete.”

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Who are these guys? Stanford men’s basketball team destroyed an NCAA bubble team (Nevada) 84-56 tonight in the NIT quarter-finals.

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And just think, if this were BCS run college football instead of basketball instead of this admittedly second-tier tournament run, based on Stanford’s regular season fans could have watched the Cardinal against someone like N.C. State in the Dec 18 “Some company you’ve never heard of” bowl.

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Got to love it. At Stanford Shopping Center, an upscale open-air mall, there are several close-in parking places near the handicapped spaces “reserved for McDonald’s customers.” Uh, folks, if you eat less McDonald’s you’re less likely to end up needing the handicapped spots.

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ESPN just said “New York hasn’t seen anything like Tebow-mania.” Well, at least not since last month.

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Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino from Jersey Shore has entered rehab for substance abuse. His first task in the 12-step program – learning to count to 12.

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Not that I would ever accuse Roger Goddell of favoring image over substance. But have to wonder, was it a coincidence that the Saints’ punishment was announced just after Peyton Manning finally made his decision? (And a day before NCAA March Madness starts up again.)

Just also wonder, what would have happened if Alex Smith hadn’t done his two minute Superman imitation in the playoffs, and the Saints defeated the 49ers, Giants and Patriots….

But let me guess, Sean Payton and company haven’t been watching the news for the past 10 or so years???? Clinton, Sanford, Weiner, Martha Stewart etc…..The coverup always gets punished worst than the crime. Even Richard Nixon somewhere has to be muttering “What were you THINKING?”

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