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Who’s crying now?

January 6, 2011

Wednesday,  January 5 was a historic day. Following the first female Speaker of the House, we now have a Speaker who is part Oompha Loompha.

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And now that John Boehner is Speaker, will Congress’s theme song be “Who’s crying now?”

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There are rumors that John Edwards is now engaged to marry the mother of his illegitimate daughter, Rielle Hunter. The couple is registered at “Bed, Bath and Beyond all Common Decency.”

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The outdoor NHL Winter Classic between the Pittsburgh Penguins and the Washington Capitals achieved the NHL’s highest regular season television ratings, despite the game being delayed due to unseasonably warm temperatures.. Maybe if the NHL wants to guarantee winter weather for outdoor games they should play the game in July at Candlestick Park.

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Actually, if outdoor games bring higher ratings, maybe the NHL should just take the roofs off of all their arenas.

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Michigan fired their coach, Michigan State was absolutely humiliated in the Capital One by Alabama. Who’d a thunk it, the most optimistic football fans in Michigan these days root for the Detroit Lions?

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The new GOP Congress has been just sworn and and already they are saying that their “$100 billion in cuts” pledge wasn’t really a promise but a “hypothetical number.” So congratulations to everyone who had “less than 24 hours” in the pool.

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Dick Cheney, 69, is apparently deciding about seeking a heart transplant as when he turns 70 he will be too old to qualify. Where’s a good death panel when you need one?

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A United Airlines flight from Denver to Frankfurt was diverted to Toronto last week after a pilot spilled a cup of coffee on the communications equipment in the cockpit, which somehow triggered the emergency codes for a hijacking.   

Wonder how long it will take TSA to ban passengers bringing Starbucks on board as a potentially dangerous item.

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Almost bowled over….

January 5, 2011

With apologies to Chicago – Does anybody really know what bowl this is…. does anybody really care?

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And there have been some good games. But for fans without a connection to the schools involved, many of these bowls have all the drama and interest of division rivalries between the NFC West.

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Terrelle Pryor was named the MVP of the 2011 Sugar Bowl. Think officials figured out how to put a tracking device on that trophy?

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Actually, there are rumors that Pryor and his to-be-suspended OSU teammates may star in an off-season reality show  – Bowling for Dollars.

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The story switches hourly but now it seems like Jim Harbaugh is heading to the 49ers. Which means he might be the first college coach to switch to the pros and take a step down with his quarterback.

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On the other hand Harbaugh isn’t that much older than Brett Favre?  Maybe the 49ers want him to be a player coach.

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Earlier today there was the rumor of Harbaugh to the Raiders? With all due respect, entering into a business relationship with the 81 year old Al Davis at this point seems about as likely for long-time success as marrying Hugh Hefner.

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Tough luck for Tom Cable. His greatest problem as a coach this year? Not being in the NFC West.

Meanwhile, back in Ann Arbor, the word out of Michigan is that Rich Rodriguez is fired, no he’s not fired, maybe he is fired, maybe he’s not. Not sure who’ll be coaching the team next year but wonder how long it will take for them to offer a job to new quarterbacks coach Brett Favre.

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And okay, I admit, I hate Notre Dame. But listening to all these puns and headlines with Stanford’s quarterback we should all be glad he didn’t go to South Bend. How many times could we have stood the phrase “Luck of the Irish?”

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Panthers owner Jerry Richardson says negotiations between the NFL and the unions are not going well. But they could still settle in time to play the 2011 season, so Carolina fans shouldn’t get too optimistic.

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Snooki has written a book.  Putting her in that exclusive fraternity with folks like George W. Bush and Sarah Palin, who wrote a book before they read one.. 

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From Bill Littlejohn:  There is now a video game in which you can play a round of golf at Augusta National Golf Club.If you log in that you’re a woman, the game includes angry stares and catcalls from club members”

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How can we miss you if you won’t go away?

January 3, 2011

 Wonder now that it looks like Brett Favre might actually finally be retiring if anyone will make a movie about his NFL career. They would need to choose a title though, as “The Long Goodbye” is already taken.

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So the Seattle Seahawks make the playoffs with a 7-9 record. But maybe we shouldn’t be surprised, at USC Pete Carroll had a long history of making it to the post-season with relatively mediocre paid talent.

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The NFL actually was hoping the St. Louis Rams would win today and save the league the embarassment of having such a lousy team in the postseason.  If this sort of thing keeps up people will start comparing them to the BCS.

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Even scarier to 49ers fans…. as lousy as the team looked, they were only one win away from the playoffs. 

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Regarding Ohio State’s president complaining about other schools playing “the little sisters of the poor.”. Did it occur to him the Big Ten might BE the “little sisters of the poor.?”

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Or as Gary Morton sent in, maybe they can call the new divisions, “Little Sisters” and “Poor.”

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Actually, this just in “the little sisters of the poor” are favored in their Big Ten opener next year.

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 Joe Paterno, 84, says he intends to keep recruiting at Penn State, which means he will be talking to high school students who will be seniors when he turns 90. Joe has, however, adapted with the times. While he’s not big on the internet he no longer sends out scholarships by Pony Express.

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Oklahoma’s 48-20 victory over Connecticut  in the Fiesta on Saturday drew only a 6.7 percent ranking (of all homes with televisions tuned into the game.)  This was lower even than some regular college games.   Since it was January 1, wonder how many of those televisions were from viewers who fell asleep in their living rooms after a late night and then the Rose Bowl?

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A week after a blizzard struck New York City, the snow is melting and the trash piles are growing. New Yorkers say they haven’t seen so much useless garbage in one place since last year’s Mets opening day.

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Goodbye 2010….

January 1, 2011

Happy 2011. We can only imagine, what public figures will contribute to our amusement in the next twelve months? Seriously, on New Year’s Eve 2009-10, could anyone have imagined just how much fun we would have with Tiger Woods, Brett Favre and Lebron James? And no one had even HEARD of Christine O’Donnell.

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Earlier this week, Michigan QB Tate Forcier gave an interview to the Detroit Free Press, saying “I’ve never been the greatest student.” But, he added “you really have to try to flunk out here. All you have to do is go to class, it’s not that hard.” This morning Forcier was declared academically ineligible.

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Tennessee lost to North Carolina, Georgia lost to the University of Central Florida, and South Carolina is losing 13-3 at halftime to Florida State after four turnovers. Maybe we should rename the SEC the SOC – Southern Overrated Conference?

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Or possibly the “Swollen Egos Conference?”

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Part of the pre-game tradition at the Chik-Fil-A bowl is parachuting cows. Is this a great country or what?

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Georgia’s bulldog mascot UGA VIII missed the trip to the Liberty Bowl with a “gastro-intestinal” decision. Or maybe he was just sick at the thought of watching the now 6-7 Bulldogs play ANOTHER lousy game. (They lost to UCF 10-6)

And congrats again to the Stanford women for ending UConn’s 90 game basketball winning streak. Wonder if President Obama called coach Tara Vanderveer to congratulate her.  And wonder if Tara asked if Obama’s lovely, smart, and at least 5’9″ 12 year old daughter might be interested in a casual visit to Palo Alto?

The above is Malia in November standing next to her 6’2″” dad.

And this thought, not originally mine but I don’t remember where I heard it. The ultimate New Year’s Eve toast….may your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.

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Finally a thought for the “Hope Springs Eternal” crowd.  So, the Saints were a great story, but a year ago at this time they did have one of the best records in the NFL.   How many people on New Year’s Eve 2010 said, “okay, this is it, this is the year the San Francisco Giants win it all?

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The streak is dead, long live the streak.

December 31, 2010

Stanford women’s basketball winning streak – three.   UConn – zero.

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Stanford 71 – UConn 59. Washington 19 – Nebraska 7. Looks like a lot of people Thursday night bet on the wrong Huskies. 

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But kudos to both teams on this one….  Watching Stanford-UConn women’s basketball game. Two of the best basketball programs in the country….and no starter on either team has been arrested or suspended for academic reasons. What a concept

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Ohio State coach Jim Tressel said he would have have taken his five suspended players to the Sugar Bowl if they had not pledged to return in 2011. And why should the coach doubt their word? If any of the players, including QB Terrelle Pryor, decide to declare for the draft, Tressel can always suspend them.

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Ohio State tops the nation in spending on their collegiate football program, spending $31.7 million this year alone. Yeah, can’t imagine how those five suspended Buckeye players could have gotten the idea that the game was all about money….

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The fine for Brett Favre over the Jenn Sterger sexting allegations: $50,000. The fine for the Jets for their coach’s misbehavior in the Dolphins game: $100,000. Translation, if you’re thinking of doing something naughty on the sideline, don’t trip someone, send them dirty pictures, it’s cheaper.

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ESPN announcers are saying what a great job North Carolina Coach Butch Davis has done because he had 35 players lost for at least part of the season due to suspension or injury, and 14 players lost to “NCAA allegations.” Well, I am not sure “great job” is the phrase I would use but Davis is certainly running an NFL ready program.

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How bad was New York City’s response to the latest blizzard? Rumor has it that former President George W. Bush called up the mayor to say “Bloomie, you’re doing a helluva job.”

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The storm was bad, the city’s response may have been worse. In fact, this may go down as the least effective attempt to clean up a mess in New York since the Mets hired Jerry Manuel.

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Fans of Sarah Palin’s “Alaska” will now be able to purchase a two-disc set that includes all seven episodes of the show. For some reason, however, the discs stop playing after episode four.

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Augie wonders, why did the NFL spend all that money on a forensic specialist to verify if the pictures were indeed of Brett Favre’s junk?  They could have just asked his wife.

(Of course, it’s possible Brett was so focused on his extra-curricular activities, Deanna doesn’t remember.)

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Various junk….

December 30, 2010

San Francisco 49ers’ owner Jed York said he would spare no expense and search nationwide for a new general manager for the team.  But it appears he will simply promote vice president of player personnel Trent Baalke from down the hall.

Sounds like he spent about as much time searching as O.J. did for the real killer.

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Regarding that $50,000 fine for Brett Favre. The man makes $16 million a year. Which means for the average American, he’s paying about the equivalent of a speeding ticket.

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But really, $50,000 total for inappropriate texts?   This just in, Tiger Woods has dubbed Favre “The Luckiest Man in the World.”

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But okay, you think you have a rough job.  How’d you like to be the forensic analyst who the NFL hired to decide if “beyond a reasonable doubt” those really were pictures of Brett Favre’s junk?

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The Associated Press, says that a “person with knowledge” told them that federal authorities are investigating if Senate Republican candidate Christine O’Donnell used campaign money for her own personal expenses.

The AP hopes to do a followup interview, as soon as they find out on what lilypad their informant now lives.

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While I understand the President’s intent in congratulating the Eagles for taking a chance on ex-felon Michael Vick, I have to wonder, would Obama have made the same call had Vick had a season like say, Alex Smith.

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Andnow, ladies and gentlemen, doing their job to fill in admirably since there are no live late-night joke monologues this week, I give you the NCAA spokesman, this time on the Auburn-Ohio State controversies:

“Money is not a motivator or factor as to why one school would get a particular decision versus another.”

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A man in South Carolina was hit by an SUV while playing a real life game of “Frogger.”

(yes, that old arcade game where you try to jump a frog through lanes of fast moving traffic, only he was playing the frog role.)

The only thing keeping this guy from a guaranteed Darwin award is the fact that the hospital says he will probably live.”

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The Post Office has announced that all new first class stamps will be “Forever” stamps. Is that referring to how long the stamps will last or how long it will take your letters to get there?

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From Gary Morten: This just in, Terrelle Pryor has just signed an endorsement deal with QVC.

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I guess that’s why they call it the “poos?”

December 29, 2010

 Elton John, 63, and his husband David Furnish have become parents to a baby boy. Well, give old Elton some credit. At his age at least he’s having a child instead of marrying one.

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Although wait a few years until Elton and David are trying to teach their son to be polite and never use coarse language in public.   Can’t wait to see the look on little Zachary’s face when he figures out that dad not only said the word,  but wrote a song with the title “The Bitch is Back.”

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The Golden State Warriors are sending Palo Alto High and Harvard grad Jeremy Lin to the D (Developmental) League, so he can get some playing time against lesser competition and learn how to be a serious NBA level player. Fans in Sacramento are wondering if the same thing can be done with the entire Kings’ team.

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Scary to think where the Minnesota Vikings might be this season if Brett Favre had decided to stay home and work on his photography skills.

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And for those keeping a list,  maybe we can now add Joe Webb to the long column of names of unheralded quarterbacks who are more effective than former #1 pick Alex Smith.

(or for that matter, Jamarcus Russell.)

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Sue Paterno, the wife of Penn State coach Joe Paterno, 84 said the rumors her husband will resign are “lies,” and his health is fine. Unless, she reportedly added, he decides to emulate Hefner with a 24 year old. Then Joe will be dead.

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It’s been about 2 1/2 years since the AP and others filed “freedom of information” requests for emails from Sarah Palin’s time in office. But the Alaska Governor’s office says they need more time to prepare them, and has asked for a (15th) delay, until May, 2011. Guess Alaska couldn’t afford an automated “spellcheck” program.

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Madame Tussaud’s in London has announced plans for a Kate Middleton wax figure, which will be placed next to her fiance, Prince William, and future brother-in-law Prince Harry.

They are also considering a figure of American superhorse Zenyetta, which would be placed next to Camilla Parker-Bowles.

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Spokesman Kevin Lennon defended the NCAA’s decision to suspend five OSU players for selling memorabilia and getting free tattoos, but also allowing those five to play in the Sugar Bowl: “The notion that the NCAA is selective with its rules enforcement is a tired myth rooted in bias and personal perception.” I think I liked “I did not have sex with that woman” better.

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Are we thawed out for some football…?

December 28, 2010

Apparently Brett Favre will not play Tuesday night unless he passes a concussion test. Such a test would require Favre demonstrating he is thinking clearly and rationally. Shame for Vikings fans they didn’t adminster one at the beginning of the season.

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Many if not most NBA fans haven’t gotten over “The Decision.”  Now following the uproar over his latest remarks about having few NBA teams, Lebron James stated today that he really isn’t in favor of contraction. 

You know, “The King’s Speech” is a great movie about a speech therapist named Lionel Logue who helped King George VI avoid embarrassing himself everytime he opened his mouth.  Wonder if Lionel has any descendants in Miami…..?

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But really, James is an incredible talent.  Except lately he seems to get in more trouble opening his mouth than anyone not named Monica Lewinsky.

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The Miami Heat-Los Angeles Lakers game on Christmas drew the NBA’s highest holiday television rating since 2004. But Lebron James and his friends actually had an even more stunning accomplishment for the day – turning most of America into temporary Lakers’ fans.

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Julian Assange has apparently signed a contract to write his autobiography. But how can the publisher possibly believe anyone will actually buy a copy of a book that a month ahead of time should be completely leaked to the internet?

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The Florida Gators surprised their fans by announcing that they will be without four starters against Penn State in the Outback Bowl. The real surprise, the players involved are all injured, none were arrested or suspended.

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With the snowfall back east, both the Giants and Jets were stranded in the midwest, and temporarily unable to fly home. Based on their team’s performance against the Packers, however, Giants fans are okay with them staying there for a while. (Like maybe until the Spring thaw.)

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The Chilean miners are all heading to Disney World on an expense-paid trip that Disney has donated. So these men survived over two months being trapped underground; now comes the real test, how will they do on a few back-to-back rides on “It’s a Small World?”

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My comedy writer  friend Jerry Perisho wonders about Hefner’s latest engagement and if he asked his fiancee’s father. I wonder if Hugh asked her grandfather?

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Sarah Palin is now saying that her created word “refudiate,” was simply the result of hitting the wrong key instead of the P while she was tweeting. Uh, okay, but if so wouldn’t the word have read “reoudiate”, or “reludiate?  (Take a look at a QWERTY keyboard if this makes no sense.)

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Jolly older men.

December 27, 2010

On Christmas Eve, Michelle Obama helped answer phone calls from children to NORAD’s Santa tracking hotline. Which is a change from the last two first ladies. Laura didn’t want to spoil the fantasy for George W., and while Hillary Clinton has many skills, keeping track of the whereabouts of large smiling men was never her strong suit.

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So Hugh Hefner, 84, is engaged to a 24 year old Playmate. Americans aren’t known for their higher math skills, but I suppose we may now find out how many times 84 goes into 24.

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Hugh Hefner tweeted the announcement of his engagement to his 24 year old girlfriend Crystal Harris . What’s more amazing, that the 84 year old Hef is marrying a woman 60 years his junior, or that he knows how to use Twitter?

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With their game against the Eagles now scheduled for Tuesday, the Minnesota Vikings have now had three games in a row delayed and/or moved this winter.  Maybe it wasn’t a good idea for Brett Favre to say privately that he would retire when “hell freezes over.”

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The Kraft “Fight Hunger” Bowl will be January 9  at A T and T Park between Nevada and Boston College.  Not to be confused with the San Francisco 49ers – Arizona Cardinals game on Jan 2 at Candlestick Park, which will probably be known as the “Fight Boredom” Bowl.

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Ever wanted to have a good example for the phrase “Addition by subtraction?” How about the Cincinnati Bengals on Sunday – with their best win of year, 34-20 over the Chargers? And due to injuries neither T.O. nor Ochocinco were involved.

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In Philly Disney’s ice show has been postponed along with Vikings-Eagles game. So with Brett Favre still hoping to play that makes two delayed “Fantasies on Ice.”

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So who had December 26 in the Mike Singletary pool?

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This just didn’t turn out to be Singletary’s year…. the man much remembered for his role in the “Super Bowl Shuffle,” will now be remembered for his role in the 49ers Quarterback Shuffle.

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After the latest census, New York lost two congressional seats while Florida gained two seats. Won’t affect things that much in Washington though, those new residents are mostly former New Yorkers who just fled south to avoid the winters.

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A Saturday without college football?

December 11, 2010

This week, between the regular season and the bowls, is basically the only Saturday without college football. Well, okay, there are some FCS (Division 2) playoffs, and the Army-Navy game.   Which basically means for hard core college fans the message is – “Don’t ask what’s on,” and “Don’t tell me the answer.”

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There is of course a big award ceremony in New York, where the only drama is whether the likely winner is likely to keep his trophy. Maybe for the sake of clarity this year’s award should be referred to as “the Interim Heisman?”

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Saturday over 109,000 fans will crowd into Michigan Stadium for an outdoor hockey game featuring the Wolverines and Michigan State Spartans. This will be the largest crowd at the stadium for any event other than a football game. At least until Michigan sells tickets to the public firing of Rich Rodriguez.

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Urban Meyer resigned from Florida “to spend more time with his family.”  But there is that Broncos head coaching job open, with Tim Tebow. Standby for God to give Meyer a sign about expanding the definition of family.

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A document written by James Naismith 119 years ago detailing the 13 rules of basketball was sold for over $4 million Friday. Naismith wrote the rules while a YMCA PE instructor, as an idea to entertain boys during the winter. Apparently he was particularly concerned about finding an outlet for a young Greg Oden.

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No one was hurt when a camel and her costumed rider fell into the audience during a rehearsal for a Christmas pageant in Florida. I can imagine it now – “We Three Kings….” oops, make that two kings.

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A Burger King employee is in custody today because he punched a 67 year old customer who was allegedly being disruptive, and the man later died. This is shocking. Normally the only thing that will kill you at Burger King are those double and triple Whoppers.

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How lucky is Alex Smith?  He’s had a horrible several years in and as out as quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers, and his poor performances look likely to continue. And yet, he’ still won’t go down in history as the worst Northern California quarterback draft pick this decade.

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The World Anti-Doping Agency is investigating Dimitrij Ovtcharov, who won a silver medal for Germany in table tennis at the Beijing Olympics. Apparently the agency became suspicious when he jumped the net to congratulate an opponent.

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Cam Newton says he “is not disappointed in his father.” Why should he be? Dad got the money and covered his son’s ass to boot.   Not a bad job.

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‎65 days until pitchers and catchers report for Spring Training 2011.  And about three weeks after that until Cubs fans start staying “Wait until Next Year.’

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Sarah Palin is going to Haiti for a humanitarian mission. This could work. Democrats, and some Republicans, are frantically raising money for the beleaguered country in hopes of offering them enough to keep her.

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Allegedly Palin is heading to Haiti because she wants to show her strength in Barack Obama’s childhood home.   I mean, Haiti, Hawaii, it’s the same place, right?  An island that starts with H and ends with I. (Unfortunately she can’t see either from her house.)

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Tacky time

December 10, 2010

 The Philadelpha Eagles are complaining that other teams aren’t being penalized for illegal hits on Michael Vick. But really, should they be surprised? It’s a “dog eat dog” world.

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One little potential sidelight of the Orange Bowl, by the way, is that the Stanford band will have an opportunity to do a halftime show while playing Vick’s alma mater, Virginia Tech.  I’m sure if they choose to honor Vick it will be done in a tasteful fashion.

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Alex Smith of the San Francisco 49ers said in an interview he still believes he’s a good quarterback. Even Sarah Palin said “That man is seriously delusional.”

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The University of Texas paid football coach Mack Brown over $5 million this year. And the Longhorns won exactly five games. Wow.  Maybe this is the guy who should be coaching the 49ers and Alex Smith.

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$1 million dollars a victory. That’s actually less than what the San Francisco Giants have paying Barry Zito.

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That fired Macy’s Santa from San Francisco, (who was  fired for telling a very mildly risque joke to an older adult couple who wanted to sit on his lap)  has become an international sensation.  Newspapers and media outlets from all over the world are picking up the story. And tonight, Santa, aka John Toomey, appeared on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.

Apparently current day Macy’s executives learned NOTHING from watching “Miracle on 34th Street.”  .

(for anyone who hasn’t heard the joke, it’s retold at the bottom of this blog.)

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So DADT failed on the floor of the Senate Thursday because “only” 57 Senators wanted to bring it to a vote. Uh, maybe I’m wrong but I thought part of what our military has been fighting for is the right to have a majority-rule democracy.

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Derek Fisher made a last-second layup for the Lakers to beat the Clippers 87-86.  A buzzer-beater against the Clippers? Shouldn’t that have an asterisk?

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We’re less than a week from the end of the college football season, and a month away from the end of the bowl season. And so far Iowa’s WR Derrell Johnson Koulianos and Nebraska’s DT Baker Steinkuhler have been arrested. Disappointing on some level but good news for all those who took “over” in the police blotter pool.

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You cannot make this stuff up: I received an email on behalf of two cruise clients from Princess Cruises warning that their immigration information was not complete and they would not be able to board. Turns out they had passport, birthdates, etc, all fine, but the missing information was that they forgot to say Mr. Scott X is male, and Mrs. Sarah X is female.

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Thought from Bill Littlejohn: “The first seven minutes of the men’s college basketball game between Illinois and Oakland was reportedly mistakenly played with a womens ball.Actually, it was a men’s ball that had been mistakenly stored in the Colorado Rockies’ humidor” 
 

(Wonder how they could tell they had the women’s ball. The ref’s first clue might have been that the players were actually passing it.)

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The joke that got Santa fired at Macy’s, which he said he never told to children, was that the reason Santa is so jolly is that “he knows where all the naughty boys and girls live.”

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Brainiacs and “Not-so-brainy-acs.”

December 9, 2010

 

Jerry Brown talked in a town hall style meeting today about solving the budget crisis and people needing to get rid of their “intellectual predilections.” “Intellectual predilections.” I think a lot of Californians (and others) would pay to hear Arnold Schwarzenegger try to say that three times real fast.

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The Baltimore Orioles’ Luke Scott says he doesn’t believe President Obama was born in the United States. But come on, what do you expect of a player dumb enough to sign with the Orioles?

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Another thought regarding the Orioles’ Luke Scott and his statement that Obama wasn’t born in the U.S. Is that because Scott thinks the President was born in Kenya, or he just doesn’t realize Hawaii is a state?

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After all that sparring in the media, Derek Jeter says he and the Yankees are now just “one big happy family.” This after New York upped their offer from $45 to $51 million for three years. So, $6 million for family happiness – sounds like about the same amount Kobe paid his jeweller.

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FIFA President Sepp Blatter says there is “no systematic corruption” at his organization, and that England is just a “sore loser” about Russia and Qatar being awarded the 2018 and 2022 World Cups. Uh, Mr. Blatter, it’s not an either/or question.

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South Carolina governor Mark Sanford now says his 2009 affair and disgrace actually made him a more effective governor. Hmm, maybe now we know why Bill Clinton was able to get so much legislation passed.

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We don’t need no stinkin’ playoffs: According to the Chronicle of Higher Education, the SEC just became the first conference to pass the $1 BILLION mark in sports revenue, due to television contracts and the earnings of some of their top football teams.

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Gary Morton points out that Iowa is indeed going to this year’s Insight Bowl.   But as noted yesterday,  the team’s top receiver, Derrell Johnson-Koulianos, known as DJK,  will not be going anywhere with the team, since he was arrested and charged with running a “drug house.

So this may be the only time that DJK and “Insight” will be used in the same sentence.

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Texas  defensive end Sam Acho beat out 16 other finalists to become this year’s recipient of the the  William V. Campbell award,  given to college football’s top scholar-athlete.

The standard for becoming a finalist?  Being able to spell “scholar-athlete.”

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To signify moving on, New York Jets Rex Ryan buried a game ball from Monday night’s blowout 45-3 loss to the Patriots. Many Jets fans who had to suffer through the game liked the buried football idea, but wished Ryan had gone further and buried some of the team with it.

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Urban Meyer resigned, again, as the University of Florida’s football coach, saying he wanted to spend more time with his family. Yeah, I guess family may not trump a BCS bowl-level team, but they are more rewarding than a Gators team that goes 7-5 and backs into the Outback Bowl.

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Skid marks.

December 4, 2010

The recently reeling Los Angeles Lakers discovered the cure for a four game skid: It’s called “Play the Sacramento Kings.”

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Apparently Lebron James soured his friendship with former Cavaliers teammate Dennis Gibson with his trash talking during the game Thursday night. Amazing. There was someone left in Cleveland that Lebron hadn’t alienated already?

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Amongst the many points of contention between the NFL owners and players is the potential overall economic impact of a lockout. Yet another sad chapter in the ongoing war between millionaires vs. billionaires.

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Officials from the New York Thruway said they could have done better job dealing with snow after hundreds of motorists were stranded on the road for several hours near Buffalo.   A better job?  Ya think?

Who are these guys, moonlighters from the Bills coaching staff?.

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No one was hurt at Minneapolis-St. Paul Aiport when a Delta Airlines jet slipped off the runway at  during a snow storm.  

Next up for Delta, a snow tire surcharge.

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The Disney-created town of Celebration, Florida had its second violent death in less than a week when a man turned his gun on himself after a police standoff. Although no statistics are available on the number of suicides from people faced with the idea of riding “It’s a Small World” one more time.

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A New York source tells the media that the last obstacle to Derek Jeter and the Yankees finalizing a contract is Jeter’s refusal to accept the fact he is 36 years old and not 26. When he figures it out, maybe he can tell Brett Favre?

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More on that 2022 World Cup:  How did FIFA pick Qatar, with its 118 degree temperatures for the World Cup? Curiously, 118 degrees is also allegedly the temperature at which vuvuzelas melt.

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While some in the U.S. cried foul at the World Cup selection process, rumor has it that FIFA just laughed and said they weren’t even in the same league as the BCS.

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George W. Bush’s “Decision Points” is outselling Sarah Palin’s “America by Heart.”  Makes sense – while they have overlapping fans W’s came out first, which means by the time Palin’s memoir came out, folks had already bought their book for the year.

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Don’t ask….

December 1, 2010

 According to a Pentagon report, most U.S. troops don’t mind the idea of gays and lesbians serving in the military. The strongest pockets of resistance, however, come from the Marines. I guess they’re looking for “a few good men,” but not any fabulous ones.

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Actually, since the Marines are the branch of the U.S. Military that seem happiest with the current “stay in the closet” strategy,  maybe Tom Cruise was right in that movie when he told Jack Nicholson, “You can’t can’t handle the truth.”

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Meanwhile, in the NBA, the Lakers have lost three games in a row.  But hey, it’s the November and the beginning of the season – which means the team’s response to this “slump”  – “Don’t ask, don’t care.”

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Quarterback Derek Anderson of the Arizona Cardinals went on a profanity-laced tirarde during a post-game news conference last night. He was almost as upset as many of the fans who were looking forward all week to the MNF game, and then discovered it was 49ers-Cardinals.

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Some NFL teams are starting to send out season ticket renewal notices, but the league has announced that in case of a lockout, unplayed game tickets will be fully refunded. After Monday night’s game, fans in Arizona are now praying for a lockout.

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Sports Illustrated has selected Drew Brees as their Sportsman of the Year, for his performance on and off the field in New Orleans. Would be interesting to see who would be their “Bad Sportsman of the Year.” (I know who they’d pick in Cleveland..) But any suggestions?  Please feel free to add in comments.

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So the Giants signed Miguel Tejada to a one-year $6.5 million deal. Tejada batted .269 with 15 home runs, 26 doubles and 71 RBIs betwees two clubs in 2010. Guess S.F. decided he was a better value than a shortstop who batted .270 with 10 home runs, 30 doubles, and 67 RBIs in 2010 – Derek Jeter.

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An Alabama P.A announcer was fired for playing “Take the Money and Run” when Cam Newton and the Auburn Tigers played the Crimson Tide last weekend.

On the brighter side, the announcer has been offered a job in Cleveland when Lebron James and the Heat play the Cavs on Thursday.

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Actually, while it’s not great sportsmanship, there’s a lot of potential for songs when certain teams or stars show come to town.  For example, how about these suggestions for any game that Brett Favre is the visiting quarterback – “Yesterday.”, or Julian Lennon’s “Just Too Late for Goodbyes.”

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And for that matter, what about the new potential TSA theme song – “The Way That I Want to Touch You.”

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So TCU (situated in Fort Worth,)  will now be in the Big East.  This means that along with schools such as Rutgers and Connecticut, the conference will cover Texas, Kentucky (Louisville) and Florida (University of South Florida.). 

What’s next, a school from Eastern Washington or California?

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Bowling for dollars…

November 30, 2010

TCU, (Texas Christian University) ,which is in Fort Worth, just accepted an invitation to join the Big East. Looks like the folks in Texas take geography as seriously as they take history and science.

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Although to be fair, Fort Worth is at least in the Eastern half  of Texas?

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The reason for this alignment is simple, if TCU is part of a major conference, they have a theoretical chance every year to go to a big money bowl game, which the BCS hopes will shut many of its critics up.   (Although anyone who thinks this will toughen up their schedule…. let’s see, Connecticut, Rutgers, Louisville, U Conn….it’s not exactly a murderer’s row football conference.)

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With TCU adopting the “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” to the BCS system by joining the Big East, that leaves Boise State as the odd team out of the independent powerhouses.

Presumably the Broncos are looking for a conference that’s a good fit for their abilities – maybe the NFC West?

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Funeral arrangements are pending for Leslie Nielsen. Apparently he wanted an open-casket ceremony with his body unclothed. For all those who have never seen a grown man naked.

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Now there are rumors that the Broncos may have videotaped other teams besides the 49ers. And yet Denver is 3 and 7. This could end up being the worst waste of film since “Ishtar.”

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Meanwhile, the San Francisco 49ers, now 4 and 7, are alive for a playoff spot. Only in the NFC West can a team potentially qualify for the postseason with a record that might not even make them NCAA bowl eligible.

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Apparently Miami Heat players are complaining about coach Erik Spoelstra, saying he is “not letting them be themselves.” Oh, I don’t know, based on their ego-driven offseason antics, maybe the problem is that Spoelstra is letting Lebron and company absolutely be themselves.

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Tonight, however, the Heat clubhouse is full of a little more sweetness and light.  Of course, that’s because they took advantage of one temporary cure for a tough season – playing the Wizards.

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So the San Francisco 49ers, now 4 and 7, are alive for a playoff spot. Only in the NFL West can a team potentially qualify for the postseason with a record that might not even make them NCAA bowl eligible.

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New York is playing hardball with Derek Jeter over his contract.  One Yankees staffer reported said that Jeter and his agent, Casey Close, need to “drink the reality potion.”

Okay, did you ever think you’d hear the words “Yankees” and “reality potion” in a discussion involving salaries?

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The University of Michigan is paying Rich Rodriguez a lot of money. And because he left his old school and broke a contract to coach the Wolverines, they are paying off his old school, West Virginia, as well.

Now Michigan is probably heading to the Insight Bowl.  (See if you can name the place and date of that one without looking it up.)  The West Virginia Mountaineers, however, if they win on Saturday, will probably go to the BCS Orange bowl.

Karma’s a bitch, isn’t it?

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Monday night was the premier of “Skating with the Stars.”  Finally, a television option for those who feel “Dancing with the Stars” just isn’t gay enough

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Friday follies.

November 20, 2010

Sarah Palin’s publisher is suing Gawker for leaking pages of her upcoming book. Apparently Palin is particularly upset because people are asking her questions about the book and her staff hasn’t told her yet  what she was supposed to have written.

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The TSA has agreed that airline pilots with valid ID’s can skip the security scanning and pat-downs that normal passengers go through at the airports. Pilot groups are pleased. This means less potential harmful radiation, and a much easier time bringing their onboard flasks.

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The FDA is about to ban alcohol beverages containing caffeine. Great, so you can go to San Francisco and get a legal medical marijuana prescription, but you may have to start going to a speakeasy to get an Irish Coffee.

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Prince Charles indicated in a recent interview that as King he would consider making Camilla Queen. In a followup interview, Queen Elizabeth said she is considering living forever.

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Due to the stadium’s small size, the University of Illinois-Northwest football game this weekend at Wrigley Field will use only one end zone. Actually, they should have used the field for last night’s Bears-Dolphins game. Not like Miami needed the end zone anyway.

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Some fans are wondering – why choose WrigleyField  out of all of the stadiums to host a novelty college football game?  Apparently the NCAA thought it would be a nice gesture for local fans,  who haven’t seen a meaningful game played at Wrigley since about July.

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Although as we get close to bowl season, it becomes apparent that to fill all the existing bowls, some teams with VERY mediocre records are going to get postseason bids.  Including possibly the UCLA Bruins, who have not beaten one time with a .500 record or better. 

So what exactly is the NCAA trying to accomplish here by rewarding these lousy team?  Become the NFC West?

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One problem with Facebook increasingly reaching an older demographic… You have more and more friends sending you birthday wishes, at the same time you are -starting to forget who more and more of these people are.

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Despite consistently low scores, Bristol Palin is one of the last three contestants on “Dancing with the Stars.” Now we know the true meaning of her name -it’s Alaskan for “Sanjaya.”

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from Marc Ragovin:

This past Monday was the 58th anniversary of the Peanuts comic strip in which Lucy pulls the ball away from Charlie Brown as he is about to kick it. Charles Schulz once said he never would have gotten the idea if Brown’s regular holder — Bret Favre — hadn’t been injured.

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We are the champions, of the world….

November 2, 2010

Well, the U.S. and Canada anyway.

SF Giants’ first World Championship in 1954.

Curiously enough, that was Jamie Moyer’s rookie year.

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This isn’t like some twisted episode of Dallas, is it? Where we wake up tomorrow and find out it was all a dream.

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Two reasons for folks in Northern California to celebrate. 1 – The Giants just won the World Series. 2. After tomorrow we are DONE with Meg Whitman commercials.

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Jerry Brown, Edgar Renteria. It’s shaping up to be a good November for re-treads.

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Actually the Giants haven’t won a World Series since 1954.  Coicidentally the same year that Jerry Brown was first eligible for Social Security.

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Brian Wilson quoted as saying that tonight the Giants will celebrate and “get a little weird.” Now, I am a major Brian fan, but in his case, mission already accomplished.-

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Edgar Renteria, a charming man even with limited English. Asked about his World Series home run, he said (Lee) “tried to throw me a cutter and the ball no cut.”

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Interesting, in their interviews, more of the SF Giants thanked the fans than thanked God.

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Fox announcers keep talking about the Giants having not won a World Series since 1954. Or as Cubs fans call it “Only yesterday.”

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Fox executives were unhappy with the low ratings for the World Series. Well, maybe if they ever put anyone but the Yankees and Red Sox on the “Fox Game of the Week” during the regular season, sports fans might be more familiar with, and more interested in watching, the teams that were actually playing.

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Giants Fever is sweeping San Francisco. Some folks who have jumped on the bandwagon were so excited they actually watched some of Monday’s game. –

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Nolan Ryan’s ceremonial first pitch before Game 3 of the World Series was clocked at 68 mph.  Which is still almost twice as fast as Tim Wakefield.

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Ironic to see W. in the stands Sunday night. Because the Rangers’ “shock and awe” hitting lineup ran smack into “Operation Bumgarner.

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Another irony, George W. Bush’s dream job was to become Commissioner of baseball. And while I am hardly a W. fan, he does love the game, and knows it pretty well, despite having traded Sammy Sosa for Harold Baines.

But can you imagine how different the world would have been had he gotten that job?  Not only would America not have had a Cheney presidency, we wouldn’t have had to deal with Commissioner Bud Selig either.

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After being unloaded by the New England Patriots, Randy Moss was now cut by the Minnesota Vikings after he ripped the team in news conference. At this point another NFL GM would have to be stoned to gather Moss.

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The SF 49ers are a disappointing 2-6. But they have won one more game than the Dallas Cowboys.

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The torture continues….

October 11, 2010

 What was that old line.. the beatings will continue until morale improves.  (And was it said by a Giants fan?)

Today’s SF Giants come-from-ahead-then-behind win – Just another f**king laugher!  

Wonder if anyone else had this stomach-churning memory when Brooks Conrad was playing his own particular version of “no-hands” baseball:

Back in 1986, Roger Craig was managing the SF Giants and due to injuries, needed a player to fill in for a game at third base. Catcher Bob Brenly (who was doing color commentary for the game Sunday on TBS ), volunteered.  And he made FOUR errors in one inning. But Brenly also had two hits in the game when he came up with two outs in the bottom of the ninth and the Giants trailing by one with a man on.  And he hit a walk-off home run.

If Brian Wilson had loaded the bases, not an impossible thought given his creative style,  the batter would have been – Brooks Conrad.

Oh, and the game where Brenly had his worst and best day ever?  It was against the Atlanta Braves.–

From my friend Jerry Perisho:  Braves second baseman Brooks Conrad’s three errors Sunday cost the Braves the game. The last person to screw an entire team was Madonna.

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How many years of chances will 49ers quarterback Alex Smith get? He’d last as long in Philly as Michael Vick at a PETA convention.

In the “torture loves company” department: Giants fans, can we have a moment for fans of the Texas Rangers? Only MLB franchise that has NEVER won a playoff series. Ever. As either the original Washington Senators or after they moved to Texas in 1971. And with a 2-0 series lead they just lost two games to the Tampa Bay Rays.

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The Tampa Bay Rays beat the Texas Rangers today in the ALDS series to send the series back to Tropicana Field for game 5 tied 2-2. Based on their game 1 and 2 losses, lousy attendance, and the fact that they play in the worst stadium in the big leagues, wonder if the Rays said, “Uh, actually could we pass on home field and stay in Texas?”

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What’s worse for 49ers fans? Being 0-5? Or having two fewer wins than … the Raiders?

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In New York, Republican gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino said in a speech to Orthodox Jewish leaders that he doesn’t want children “brainwashed into thinking that homosexuality” is acceptable.

Fortunately, he’s losing big in the polls. Most New Yorkers don’t want children “brainwashed” into thinking stupidity and bigotry are acceptable.

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Rich Lott, a Ohio congressional candidate, is facing criticism from both parties after photos surfaced of him recently dressed in a German SS uniform to participate in Nazi re-enactment ceremonies. Lott says his participation was for “purely historical interest in World War II.” Well, if that is true, he’s too STUPID to serve in Congress.

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Meg Whitman appeared with former New York governor Rudy Giulani at a fundraiser today in California.   (Wonder if Giulani commented that it was just 29 days away from the ninth anniversary of 9/11?.)

Whitman, however, turned down an offer to attend another fundraising event this week in Anaheim with Sarah Palin.  Meg’s campaign said they had “competing events.”  No doubt.  Given Palin’s California approval ratings, Whitman would probably rather stay home and clean her house.

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Payouts and payback

September 21, 2010

Apparently Los Angeles created only 55 jobs with $110 million in stimulus money. Big deal, Meg Whitman is trying to create only one job with $150 million of her own money.

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Actual verbatim headline on SI.Com after tonights 49ers-Saints game. “Bush on crutches after injurying leg in fourth quarter.”

Is there something about the name “Bush” that is incompatible with the English language?

(Michael Duca’s response, “Men can’t think properly in the presence of the word.)

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Here’s hoping Reggie Bush’s injury isn’t career ending, but for all those who talk about “God’s Will,” maybe God thought it was time for a little karmic payback after all the media fawning over Bush’s “doing the right thing” regarding returning the Heisman?
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Christine O’Donnell now says if she WERE a witch, Karl Rove would be a supporter of hers. No, if she was really a witch, those clips would have vaporized, and Bill Maher would be living on a lilypad in a pond.

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Ohio University has apologized to Ohio State and its fans after the school’s Bobcat mascot tackled the Buckeye’s Brutus mascot. Meanwhile, after the school’s 43-7 loss to OSU, Ohio coach Frank Solich has recruited the Bobcat to play defense.
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Watching Brett Favre being interviewed yesterday after the Vikings loss, seemed like both he and Lindsay Lohan have a problem in knowing when to quit.

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Bristol Palin, who claims she now wants to be a cautionary role model for young women to be abstinent, made her first appearance on “Dancing with the Stars” Monday. Yeah, magazine covers, network talk shows, and now a reality show. That should show girls that it’s not a glamorous life being a single mother.

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New York Republican candidate Carl Paladino, said recently that Manhattan is “home to smug, self-important, pampered liberal elitists.”

Not necessarily true, Yankee Stadium is in the Bronx.

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Meanwhile, in California, Meg Whitman is continuing her campaign to win the vote of all smug, self-important pampered conservative elitists.

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Former CEO Mark Hurd has reached an agreement with HP to settle their lawsuit. Hurd will give up the stock portion of his severance and HP will “allow” him to work for Oracle. So he will only get $12 million cash severance and a new $11 million a year package at Oracle. Yeah, that’ll teach him.

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Maybe he wasn’t ready for some football?

September 20, 2010

Four turnovers for Brett Favre today in Minnesota. At this rate he’ll be the first player in in the NFL to have his age be a higher number than his quarterback rating.

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The Vikings, however, have a plan for next weekend. Any defensive linemen or linebackers who get close to Favre will be charged with elder abuse.

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Meanwhile, the Dallas Cowboys are 0-2. “That’s really a shame” said absolutely no one outside the state of Texas.

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And better or worse news, depending on whether or not you live in Texas – Isn’t letting Jay Cutler throw three touchdowns with no interceptions kind of the NFL equivalent of being a major college program beaten by a FCS (Division 1-AA) team?

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One consolation for Redskins fans after their overtime loss to the Texans Sunday. Based on watching Oakland’s first two games, keeping Jason Campbell would have meant Washington would have lost before the game ever got close to overtime.
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Michigan State coach Mark Dantonio suffered a mlld heart attack in the morning only hours after his gutsy fake field goal call led to a Spartans win over the Fighting Irish. Notre Dame sent flowers, well-wishes and a suggestion that next year that Dantonio not stress himself and turn play-callling over to his staff. .
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One of those warm and fuzzy statistics…. the Florida Gators’ 31 points against Tennessee on Saturday exactly matched the total of players arrested since Urban Meyer began coaching the team in 2005. (The latest, Chris Rainey, who sent his girlfriend a “Time to Die” text. He is temporarily suspended, but maybe not for the Alabama game.)

Fox is starting their commercials for the Major League Baseball postseason. Fans who have only been watching the Fox game of the week will be shocked to find out there will be no Yankees-Red Sox matchups.
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Not that I ever feel that sorry for a major network. But week 2 of the NFL season, all kinds of fascinating story lines along with baseball pennant races, and ESPN had to hold Sportscenter until after the meaningless Tigers-White Sox game. Which ended at 1224a Eastern Time after 11 innings.

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During the past eight games, the SF Giants have had six games where they scored a total of seven runs, and two games where they scored a total of 19 runs. So far. Can a batting lineup officially be diagnosed as schizophrenic?

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Lisa Murkowski says running as a write-in candidate after losing in the Republican primary is justified because she was the victim of a “smear” campaign. So when did Alaska become the nation’s number one whine producing state?

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Jon Stewart has announced a “March to Restore Sanity” in Washington, D.C. Some say he is a dream, but hey, it might be easier than restoring a winning record to the Redskins.

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Colin Powell says he’s hired illegal immigrants at his home, adding that he thinks they do thing like repairs at most people’s homes. Well, at least he’s honest about it. Mitt Romney fired his gardening crew when it was revealed many of them were illegals, but the same thing turned out to be true with a replacement crew.

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And for what it’s worth, anyone who is REALLY concerned about illegal workers can of course look for bonded cleaning services , union contractors and licensed babysitters. Not to mention get all their produce from boutique farmers, etc. And probably eat at home, because you never know who’s washing your dishes.

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