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Disaster tourism?

April 16, 2012

A $150 million Titanic visitors center opened last month in Belfast. The museum hopes to be the biggest draw for fans of disasters since Wrigley Field.

(Canadian readers may want to substitute Air Canada Center, home of the Toronto Maple Leafs.)

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The Titanic was built in Belfast, hence the museum location. But you have to think that somewhere, other shipyards are saying “Hey, we built boats that DIDN’T sink.”

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Since former Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino is so expert at texting, wonder if he also has changed his Facebook relationship status to “It’s complicated.”

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IHOP is advertising their new “Signature Pancakes.” Including “Chocolatey Red Velvet Pancakes Drizzled with Cream Cheese Icing.” Wonder what customers order for dessert?

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Well, it’s early days in the 2012 MLB season, but who’d a thunk that the San Francisco Giants’ Aubrey Huff, batting .217, still has more HRs than Albert Pujols?

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Eli Manning will host SNL. Giselle Bunchen said that they would have asked Tom Brady again but the show would have unreasonably expected her husband to do all the comic work.

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Rick Petino’s son Richard Petino is going to become the men’s basketball coach at next season FIU. So how long until the NCAA preemptively starts their investigation?

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People have a right to their opinions. But would like to hear Michelle Bachmann, and some others who are so outraged against Hilary Rosen’s “anti-women” comments, also explain why they voted against the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act.

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Seen on the side of a 24 ounce Dr. Pepper bottle: “Contents under pressure. Cap may blow off causing eye or other serious injury. Point away from face and people, especially while opening.” Think there’s a story, and more than a few lawyers, behind that one?

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A Houston restaurant served 12 guests last night a 10 course recreation of the last first class meal on the Titanic, at $12,000 a head. (no typo.) Isn’t it nice to know that 100 years after the disaster, Americans have moved away from such a rigid class system…?

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On their Kuala Lumpur to London route, Malaysia Airlines is starting a family friendly economy class section, along with a “no kids under 12 allowed” section. Prompting this response from most domestic travelers – can they start flying around the U.S.?

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Quote of the day from January 2012, about poor women on welfare. “Even if you have a child 2 years of age, you need to go to work. I’m willing to spend more giving day care to allow those parents to go back to work. It’ll cost more, but I want the individuals to have the dignity of work.'” Another anti-mom liberal? No, Mitt Romney.

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New York Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie just had his 10th child, by a total of eight women in six states. Although the last two kids were born to his wife, the first eight, 7 years old and under, all have single moms. Hmm, strikes me there are worse things for the fabric of our society than free birth control….

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South American Stupidity.

April 15, 2012

Apparently the Secret Service prostitute scandal came to light with a dispute involving one woman who claimed she wasn’t paid and talked to police. Moral of the story, “Always pay your whores.” (As long as you don’t use campaign funds, yes I mean you John Edwards.)

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Augie’s response to my comment that this “More unemployment to blame on Obama – these men would never have been fired if Bill Clinton were President.”

“Not only would they not have been fired, they would have been his security detail while he visited the brothels.”

Though to give Clinton his due, not sure Bill ever had to pay any woman at the time. He did pay enough for his lying later.

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Not to say that the Sharks’ loss Saturday night to the Blues was overly fight-filled. But I heard St. Louis won by a TKO.
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Once again, “To Kill a Mockingbird” is on the U.S. top ten list of banned books. Wonder how many of these folks who ban books actually read.

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For those worried about signs of the apocalypse, it may be a relief to know that Barry Zito does now have an ERA in 2012. On the other hand, the Washington Nationals are in first place.

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Robin Gibbs is in a coma. And “Glee” has a Bee-Gees episode planned for Tuesday. Following their Whitney Houston episode earlier this year. The show could be getting more dangerous than the cover of “Madden NFL.”

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Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have announced their engagement. Apparently the ring took almost a year to design. That’s longer than Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries whole relationship.

(Nick Coombs adds “No word yet on if Jolie will try to adopt the child who mined the diamond for her ring.”)

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According to SI.com, Bobby Petrino’s mistress Jessica Dorrell’s “interview feedback” notes say she had “the most overall experience of building relationships that the football program is looking for.” Well, “building a relationship” is one way to put it.

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What was Bobby Petrino thinking? Being in Arkansas, getting involved with a young woman, and putting her on the university payroll? Why, the gal wasn’t even his relative.
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Mitt Romney’s campaign has sent out a fundraising solicitation looking for the first 1,000 people who can donate $50,000 and become a “Founding Member” of “Romney Victory.” Well, guess now that he’s looking to the General Election, Mitt decided he needed to reach out to the middle class.

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Great game by Matt Cain yesterday in the SF Giants home opener. Only two disappointments: The one hit he allowed in an otherwise perfect game. And his total of 11 strikeouts was two short of the 13 required for all fans to get a coupon for free bratwursts.

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Description of the movie “Titanic” in today’s newspaper TV guide: “The ship hits an iceberg.” Gosh, really?! Talk about a spoiler.

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What money can’t buy.

April 14, 2012

Mitt Romney has filed for an extension on his 2011 taxes Friday afternoon. A spokeswoman said Romney does not yet have “sufficient information to provide an accurate return.” Really?! The guy wants to be in charge of the U.S. economy and he can’t keep track of his own millions?

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Weather satellite or military tool, in any case North Korea’s expensive rocket flamed out spectacularly. With this kind of money to reward ratio you almost expect the Yankees to be involved.

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Paul Ryan said – as a compliment – that Mitt Romney is “kind of a throwback to the 50s.” Did he mean the 1950s or 1850s?

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Mitt Romney may be having a rough 2012 campaign so far, but it could be worse- he could be running against Cory Booker.

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Today was Matt Cain’s THIRD game where he came a single batter away from a no-hitter. Can San Francisco Giants fans officially start referring to him as a “one-hit wonder?”

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Apparently as many as 12 Secret Service agents sent to provide security for Barack Obama in Columbia were relieved of duties and sent home after allegations of personal misconduct involving prostitutes. More unemployment to blame on Obama – these men would never have been fired if Bill Clinton were President.

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French psychologists have discovered that baboons are able to tell real words from fake words. Wonder how they would do on the NFL Wonderlic test?

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Tampa Bay’s Luke Scott ragged on Red Sox fans about “their arrogance,” saying “The fans come in and they take over the city. They’re ruthless, they’re vulgar, they cause trouble…” Now before Boston’s home opener, he’s referring to Fenway Park as a “dump.” Even Ozzie Guillen is thinking “Luke, Luke, less is more…”

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Bobby Petrino says he will not appeal his firing as Arkansas’s football coach. Probable translation- there are still more texts, and probably pictures, that we don’t know about.

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And what was Petrino thinking? Being in Arkansas, getting involved with a young woman, and putting her on the college payroll? Why, the gal wasn’t even his relative.

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You can’t win department. So Democrats from the White House on down immediately condemned Hilary Rosen’s comment about Ann Romney not working. And Mary Matalin is upset, because they came down too fast and too hard, and should have been more supportive of Rosen. Right. And if they had defended her it would have been more intellectual elitism. Ah, politics.

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From Gary Bachman: Florida Rep. Allen West said that up to 81 House members are communists. To which Ozzie Guillen responded that he admires each and every one of them.

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Kerplunk it sunk, what a lousy piece of junk…

April 13, 2012

(If you’re too young to remember the children’s song reference, you are lucky.)

Wonder if North Korea is claiming their test rocket was testing to see if it was waterproof.

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North Korea claimed their failed rocket would only carry a civilian satellite, and that it was a major technological achievement to mark the 100th anniversary of the birth of Kim Il Sung, on Sunday. Uh, did anyone tell them Sunday is also the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the Titanic?

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Burger King apparently is introducing a Bacon Sundae. For all those who thought their menu was a little too health conscious.

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As we head into the mano a mano portion of the Presidential election here’s a (never going to happen) recipe for civility: No matter who pays for the anti-Obama or anti-Romney ads, simply require at the end of any such commercial to have the candidates say “I am Barack Obama/Mitt Romney and I approve this message.”

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WTF? By now anyone reading this has heard the American Idol results show from Thursday. But were the votes counted in Florida?

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Former Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino sent apologies to AD Jeff Long and a number of other university employees via text messages. Which from the stories about his “inappropriate” relationship, may not have been necessary if he hadn’t been texting in the first place.

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A CNN pundit is facing criticism for saying that Ann Romney shouldn’t be talking about the economy because “she has actually never worked a day in her life.” Ann immediately (and correctly) responded that staying home to raise 5 boys was hard work. Well, and think of all the nannies etc she has hired.

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Democrats including the President immediately condemned Hilary Rosen for her comments about Ann Romney. Almost as fast as the GOP Presidential candidates condemned Rush Limbaugh for his “slut” etc comments. Oh wait, that’s right, they didn’t. Never mind….

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Actually, I absolutely support Ann Romney’s right to stay home and raise kids. But if Ann really cares that much about women and the economy, wonder why she isn’t urging Mitt to push things like education and child care and social programs to aid mothers who aren’t as economically fortunate as she is….

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Meanwhile,CNN’s Hilary Rosen is now saying “I apologize to Ann Romney and anyone else who was offended. Let’s declare peace in this phony war and go back to focus on the substance.” Really? Someone actually thinks this campaign has been focusing on substance?

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Mass. Sen. Scott Brown has a new radio ad talking about his love of Fenway Park. Except that when Brown was a state representative, he was in support of replacing the 100 year old park and moving it to Foxboro. What is it with Massachusetts politicians? Should the state shoe be the flip flop?

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Quote of the day: “We are more likely to get neutral coverage out of CNN than we are of Fox, and we’re more likely to get distortion out of Fox. That’s just a fact.” From that noted liberal Newt Gingrich.

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Jamie Moyer, 49. 5 2/3 innings, 2 earned runs. No W. As a Giants fan will be glad for the win but a shame Moyer couldn’t have pitched yesterday. The ageless wonder better deserved a win than the stream of Rockies pitchers who took advantage of 18 runs of support.

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That JetBlue pilot who went crazy a couple weeks ago has been indicted on charges of interfering with a flight crew. The response from most major airlines – a new “Pilot mental health surcharge.”

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To text or not to text, that should have been the question.

April 12, 2012

Fired Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino, 51, apparently exchanged 4300 texts with Jessica Dorrell, 25, in the last seven months. Shocking! A 51 year old man knows how to text?

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Uh, this is not your 2011 San Francisco Giants. WTF?! Great hitting, shaky starting pitching…. Is it time to switch the uniform to black and orange pinstripes?

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It’s early days but don’t hear all those SF Giants fans complaining now about the team not signing Lincecum to more than a two year contract.

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The NCAA put Baylor’s men’s and women’s basketball on 3 years of probation plus reduced scholarships after an investigation into major recruiting phone and text violations. The teams, however, will not need to vacate wins or their women’s championship. Sounds like the university is about ready to join the SEC.

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Baylor women’s coach Kim Mulkey “Any compliance-related mistakes, even those that are secondary, are disappointing. The majority of mistakes in this matter were errors in sending text messages and failure to accurately document our phone calls.” Wow. Sounds like she has a great future in politics.

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Giants Rockies game starts at 110p Colorado time today. The teams hope to finish in time for Rockies starter Jamie Moyer to make his Early Bird Special reservation.//

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Bill Parcells says that while he was approached about the New Orleans Saints job he is “staying retired.” “Amateur,” responded Brett Favre.

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All these Miami fans who don’t want to go to Marlins game because Ozzie Guillen said something stupid about Castro… Yes, it was stupid, and offensive, but for another example, liberal Boston fans didn’t avoid Fenway when Curt Schilling campaigned in 2004 for George W. Bush.

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Wisconsin state senator Glenn Grothman said that women make less money because “money is more important for men.” Clearly this idiot has never been to a shoe sale.

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Sherri Shepherd from “the View” was bounced from “Dancing with the Stars” last night. What a shame said millions of women, what’s “the View” said millions of men?

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Florida Rep. Allen West said Tuesday at a town hall that he’s “heard” as many as 80 House Democrats are communists. With Rick Santorum out of the Presidential race is West just trying to fill a void for the whack job contingent?

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Newt Gingrich said his campaign’s $500 bounced check to file for the Utah primary was just “one of those goofy things.” And millions of Americans who are unemployed or living paycheck to paycheck said “Yeah, just hilarious.”

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You think you have a tough job. How’d you like to do jury selection for the George Zimmerman trial in Florida?

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Just think how much less worldwide outrage there would be had George Zimmerman felt threatened by Casey Anthony.

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Dumb and dumber, another sequel.

April 11, 2012

Arkansas has fired Bobby Petrino, saying the now-ex football coach, “knowingly misled” and “engaged in reckless behavior” with an employee less than half his age. Gosh, if there had only been another example of such a thing happening to a powerful man from Arkansas that Petrino might have learned from.

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You think you’ve had a rough month with your relationship? How’d you like to be Josh Morgan? He’s the fiance of Jessica Dorrell – Bobby Petrino’s passenger during his ill-fated motorcycle ride that ended up costing the Arkansas coach his job. Uh, how’s that June wedding planning going?

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Ozzie Guillen was suspended for five games for his comments about Fidel Castro. And somewhere Marge Schott is thinking, “In Miami, Ozzie, how could you be so stupid?”

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Not defending Ozzie Guillen and certainly not defending Fidel Castro. But one of the things Cuban-Americans rail about regarding their home country now is that there is no right to free speech.

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Thursday’s historic pitching matchup in Coors: Madison Bumgarner, 22, against Jamie Moyer, 49. Wonder if after each time the Rockies bat Moyer will yell to Madbum “Hey, punk, get off my mound.”

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Rick Santorum is ending his Presidential campaign. “Say it ain’t so” cried America’s comedy writers.

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Rick Santorum, with his campaign allegedly $1 million in debt, has suspended his run for President but has not endorsed Mitt Romney. Wonder if Santorum is waiting for Mitt to give him one million good reasons….

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A Japanese company has come up with “Sushi Robot” that can crank out 3,600 pieces per hour. Yikes. Should we be staying tuned for “Sushi McNuggets?”

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Speaking in support of the “Bush Tax Cuts,” George W. said in a speech he wished his name wasn’t so firmly attached to the cuts. Some in the GOP wish W’s name wasn’t so firmly attached to the Republican party.
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Newt Gingrich’s $500 check to pay the filing fee to get on the Utah ballot bounced. It’s this kind of intelligent attention to detail that has the former Speaker where he is today – third or fourth in a race where no one likes the front-runner and the #2 guy has dropped out.

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The Denver Post is doing a Titanic “100 Years Later” retrospective. Titled “Unsinkable, Unimaginable, Unforgettable.” Well, two out of three ain’t bad.

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From Gary Bachman: “The London tabloid The Sun reported Sunday that the final autopsy report of Whitney Houston has revealed 11 missing teeth. Today Houston will be granted posthumous British citizenship.”

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The times they are a changin’

April 10, 2012

Great final round at Augusta yesterday. A complete reversal from 1997, when a black man won the Masters, and Bubba was in the White House.

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Got to hand it to Ozzie Guillen. The guy reigns amongst sports figures for getting into the most trouble while still both avoiding arrest and keeping his pants on.

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Just added to the Miami Marlins ballpark giveaways in 2012? A commemorative Ozzie Guillen mouth gag.

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Two New Jersey men have filed a petition challenging President Obama’s place on the Democratic primary ballot because they claim he is not a natural-born citizen. And Snooki and the Situation responded “Wait a minute, and we’re supposed to be the stupid ones?”

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Marlins pitcher Mark Buerhrle apparently sliced the thumb on his pitching hand while opening a jar of mayonnaise. “I came in to make a sandwich and they said ‘You know we have people who can make sandwiches for you,’’’ Buehrle said. “(I said) ‘I’m a grown man, I can make my own sandwich.” Well, apparently not.

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Four-hit shutout for the SF Giants’ Barry Zito against the Colorado Rockies. WTF? Next thing someone will be trying to tell me the Mets are 4-0.

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Are New Yorkers going from Lin-sanity to DeMEnTSia?

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How improbable was Barry Zito’s shutout. In his post-game interview you almost expected to hear him thank “My Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.”

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Actually, maybe God was behind Zito’s gem today. I mean, who else in the San Francisco area has done a better job of getting people on their feet screaming “Jesus Christ.”

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Even Jamie Moyer was thinking that it was time for Barry Zito to hang it up.

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Some wonder if Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino can survive the scandal resulting from his motorcycle crash involving his 25 year old assistant and the “inappropriate relationship.” Survive as football coach anyway. Petrino is now pretty well set up for running for Governor of Arkansas.

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Rick Santorum’s daughter is in the hospital, and Mitt Romney’s campaign is pulling its negative ads in Pennsylvania. Saying “We have done this out of deference to Sen. Santorum’s decision to suspend his campaign for personal family reasons,” (That and, “we think we’re winning anyway and this is a good way to save money.”)

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From Marc Ragovin: “So Mike Wallace has died. His funeral will take place immediately after the conclusion of the Raiders/Chiefs game, except on the west coast, where it will be held at its regular time.”

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Quick, duck behind a pearly gate?

April 8, 2012

Nervous times in heaven today, as they hear the words “Mike Wallace is here to see you.”

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A number of tributes to Mike Wallace, after he died today at the age of 93. Including one from Larry King, saying that he was “a dear & wonderful friend.” And no doubt King added privately ‘And so sad, to die so young.”

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The MS Balmoral cruise ship left Southampton April 8, 100 years after the RMS Titanic, with an announced plan to retrace the original route of the doomed ship. Well, one hopes not the EXACT route.

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On the Balmoral and other Titanic themed cruises, they will recreate menus from the original ship. Presumably women will be encouraged not to skip dessert.

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If anyone heard that the pitching-rich but offense-poor San Francisco Giants had scored 4, 4 and 6 runs in three games this weekend against the Arizona D’backs, the logical conclusion would have been that they won about two out of three at least…..

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So the SF Giants’ hopes of not starting 0 and 4 rest on the left arm of… Barry Zito?!!

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Yikes, Red Sox going to end up putting a keg in the bullpen after today. How do you blow a three run lead in the ninth and a two run lead in the eleventh, in the same game?

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The Mets are 3-0 and the Yankees are 0-3. And today in Hell, the ice skating is great.
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Tampa Bay Rays payroll at $64 million is about $4 million less than the New York Yankees are paying Texeira, A-Rod, and Jeter. Just sayin’.

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With Cain and Zito, the San Francisco Giants have the best paid #3 and #4 pitchers in baseball.

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Newt Gingrich said his campaign is “a little less” than $4.5 million in debt. And this is a man who is criticizing President Obama’s spending?

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Masters galleries were so white I almost expected to see a GOP debate break out.

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Say what you will about Tim Tebow’s sermon this morning. At least it’s nice seeing an NFL player make offseason headlines for something not involving a police press conference.

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And finally, Happy Easter Monday. In some countries it’s a major holiday. In the U.S.A. it’s mostly known as “Happy Half Priced Chocolate Bunny Day.”

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Hoppy Easter.

April 8, 2012

Appalling bunny on bunny violence. Happy Easter anyway.

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Another Easter thought: Love may fade. But marshmallow peeps are forever.

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Tim Tebow is giving an Easter Sunday sermon. Parishioners expect the speech to start slow but close with a great last ten minutes.

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Jamie Moyer tonight bid to be the oldest pitcher ever to win an MLB game. In honor of the occasion the Rockies were going to present him with a copy of his first ever box score. But they couldn’t find anyone to translate the original Sanskrit.

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Boston Red Sox 0-2 after a 10-0 shutout against the Detroit Tigers. Who knew- maybe beer and fried chicken are performance enhancing drugs.

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Donald Trump revised the rules in his Miss Universe pageant to allow transgender women like Jenna Talackova to compete. Makes some sense, Trump himself probably is a bit nebulous about the gender of that fuzzy thing that lives on his head.

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Thanks to a bill signed by Gov. Rick Scott, starting July 1, it will be legal in Florida to dye bunnies pink, chicks blue, and poodles purple. (A GOP senator put the amendment on an agriculture bill, at the request of a dog groomer, thereby repealing a 45-year-old ban on artificially dying or coloring certain animals or fowl.) Can we just let the Sunshine State secede and be done with it?

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Frustrated with his tee shot on the 16th today, Tiger Woods dropped his club and kicked it 15 yards. Woods may be fined by the PGA for his outburst, but on the brighter side, he’s allegedly been contacted for a tryout by a few NFL teams.

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That 18 year old who left school and her family to live with her teacher has broken up with him after his arrest for a relationship with another student in 1998. Jordan Powers said she ended things with James Hooker when he called her from jail, “My heart dropped. I felt betrayed. I just have a gut feeling there are other girls.” Ya think?

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Not a belated April Fool’s joke. Pizza Huts in the U.K. now selling Pizza with a hot dog stuffed crust. (Large size pizzas only, natch.) What’s most amazing, this idea didn’t originate in the U.S.

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Opening weak.

April 7, 2012

Okay, right this minute in the AL East, the Orioles, Rays and Blue Jays are all tied for first place, while the Red Sox and Yankees are tied for last. 161 games to go, but figured a lot of folks would enjoy seeing this.

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Nolan Ryan and Robin Ventura apparently chatted Friday for the 1st time since Ventura charged the mound after Ryan hit him with a pitch 19 years ago. Wonder if instead of a handshake Nolan gave Robin “noogies” for old times’ sake.

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Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are now an item. And some say that homosexual relationships are offensive

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Isiah Thomas, who went 26-65 in three seasons as a coach at FIU, was fired today by the school. He told ESPN that “this is the most surprising thing that has happened to me in basketball.” Sounds like Isiah is still as self-aware as he was with the Knicks.

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Thomas Kinkade, “Painter of Light,” and the self described “Most Collected Living Artist” died today at the age of 54. Condolences to his family, but change that second trademark.

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Mario Rubio said this week “I’m not going to be the vice president,” Is that a comment on running with Mitt Romney, or the likely outcome of the election?

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An anti-abortion bill in Arizona would declare that pregnancy starts on the date of a women’s last menstrual period. Heck, what’s next, claiming pregnancy may start as soon as that second margarita?

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Christopher Hooker, 41, that Modesto teacher who left his family to move in Jordan Powers, 18, his ex-student, said their love was for real and would last. Now it turns out Hooker’s been arrested for having a relationship in 1998 with another girl student, who was 17. Guess he didn’t specify how long it would last.

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All these predictions for who will win in MLB this season, here’s a different prediction game. Which teams have a chance to lose 100 games? No prizes, just the chance to declare yourself a true “connoisseur of crap.”

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Reaction around the NFL to the Saints locker room audio: One – “That’s despicable.” Two – “Quick, burn OUR tapes.”

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Augusta, GA, police today were called to a Waffle House for a dispute involving two groups of women. (Apparently over a Facebook post about a relationship.) One woman was arrested after she allegedly fired shots into the air from a handgun. So who says all the action at Augusta is at the Masters?

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Syracuse’s Fab Melo, ruled ineligible twice last season due to academic issues, announced he will enter the NBA draft. So sounds like next year Melo will be going to class about as much as he did this year.

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When will they ever learn? Arkansas football coach Bobby Petrino, 51, has now been put on leave by the University after it turns out that he had a 25 year old female passenger with him when he had his late-night motorcycle crash. The woman, Jessica Dorrell, was hired last month to work under Petrino. So to speak.

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Can you hear me now?

April 6, 2012

Jim Marshall, known as “The Father of Loud,” for inventing the Marshall amplifiers beloved by rock and roll guitarists, has died at the age of 88. What’s that you say? Can’t hear you……

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Mitt Romney today accused President Obama of spending “too much time at Harvard.” Now, Barack Obama spent three years at Harvard Law School. But Mitt himself got a JD/MBA at Harvard….and it took him four years. Sounds like he’s picking up Rick Santorum’s disdain for math.

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Not saying Masters’ galleries are white, but they look like they’ve just come from watching a GOP debate.

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Overheard at the Masters – “Is that Tiger’s gallery, or a waitress convention?”

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Mitt Romney says that Augusta should admit women members. Great. So who says the GOP is anti-female. At least Mitt supports the rights of rich women to pay $10,000 yearly dues to play golf.

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In a Masters practice round, Martin Kaymar scored a hole in one by skipping it off the pond. It was the most impressive water feat at Augusta since Tiger used to walk on it.

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A Los Angeles area woman was arrested for driving on a freeway while texting and holding her baby daughter in her lap, (along with having a two year old and four year old also in the car with no seat belts or carseats.) Presumably she was also listening to a CD by Britney Spears?

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Van Gogh Vodka announced a new Peanut Butter and Jelly vodka. If James Bond wasn’t dead, this just killed him.

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The Chicago Cubs blew a 1-0 lead in the 8th to lose their opener 2-1 to the Washington Nationals. Is it time to break out the “Wait until 2013” shirts?

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Alex Rodriguez has started posting on Facebook. Presumably A-Rod just found out he could “like” his own posts.

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Hmm, hope no one has an audio tape of our girls Powderpuff Football locker room meeting before the Juniors vs. Seniors game back at Lake Brantley High School in Florida. Remember very clearly the coach’s instructions to us girls playing defense “Explode, penetrate, KILL.”

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Costa Cruise Line says their bookings are up this Easter compared to 2011. Makes some sense I guess, travelers are also flocking to Titanic anniversary cruises.

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Rupert Murdoch’s UK Sky News says that their computer hacking was “in the public interest.” I think I like “I committed adultery because I felt so passionately about this country” better.

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On the subject of the 49ers’ Kyle Williams “The thing is, he had four concussions, so our biggest thing, was to take him outta the game.” “We were just like ‘We gotta put a hit on that guy.'” Quotes from Bountygate? No, the New York Giants, bragging after their 2011 playoff game when Williams fumbled twice.

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from my friend Gary Bachman: Data from the 1940 US Census has just been released to the public. To give you an indication how long ago that was, Barack Obama wasn’t yet born and Mitt Romney had yet to be built.

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Opening WTF?

April 5, 2012

Two A’s-Mariners games last week, Marlins-Cardinals tonight, the rest of MLB starts Thursday or Friday. Sorry Bud Selig, less is more; “Opening Day” is awesome. “Opening Week” s*cks.

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But really, we won’t know it’s really opening day until Cubs fans break out their new “Wait until next year” shirts.

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The Masters starts Thursday morning, from Augusta National Golf Club. One of the few places on Earth where Mitt Romney is referred to as “a regular guy.”

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Bond fans screaming “Say it ain’t so?!” Due to a Heineken contract, James Bond will be drinking beer instead of a martini in his next movie. What’s next, 007 telling women he wants to wait for physical intimacy until they are in a committed relationship?

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According to the autopsy report, “white powdery substances and a spoon with white residue” were found in the hotel room where Whitney Houston died. Sad, but “I’m shocked,” said absolutely nobody.

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Ryan Gosling apparently saved a British journalist named Laurie Penny from being hit by a car this week in New York. Earning him respect and admiration from his fellow actors, once they found out she didn’t work for “News of the World.”

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Macy’s flagship store in New York had to evacuate due to a small basement fire today. You know what that means. Stay tuned for Macy’s new “Two Day Fire Sale with One Day Special Preview.”

(or as my friend Rich suggests “Black Flower Days.”)

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John McCain urged Mitt Romney “not to rush to judgment” when picking his running mate. Gosh, wonder why he would say that?

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Kentucky coach John Calipari said he’s not planning to coach the New York Knicks or any other NBA team – “Kentucky is the best job in basketball coaching, why would I leave?” At least not until the next NCAA investigation.

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Sarah Palin’s appearance on the “Today” show apparently didn’t turn out to be the ratings boost NBC had hoped for. Does this mean “Palin-sanity” is over?

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Levi Johnston, 21, has announced that his latest girlfriend, Sunny Oglesby, 20, is pregnant. Levi told TMZ.com the pregnancy was an unexpected surprise: “Things happen and we are both happy with what came of it.” Yeah, looks like Bristol Palin’s abstinence campaign is really working.

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Ryan Seacrest will be taking part in NBC’s Olympic coverage. Wonderful. Stand by for “Who’ll win the Gold? We’ll find out, after the break….”

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Rick Santorum went bowling with some friends and staffers today, and ended up with three strikes and two spares while scoring 145. So at least when faced with a bowling lane, Rick proved it was possible for him to go towards the center.

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The GOP Primary winner – Are we there yet?

April 4, 2012

Production will begin this September on a sequel to “Dumb and Dumber.” The movie is again expected to star Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels. Either that or it will be a documentary about the GOP Presidential Primaries.

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Mitt Romney picked up 16 delegates with a win in Washington, D.C. tonight. With a total of 3,122 votes. Not a typo. 3,122. Heck, the Nationals got that many fans when they were the Expos.

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Fortunately, no deaths were reported when a small plane crashed into a supermarket near Orlando this morning. This being Florida I wonder how long the plane had been flying with its left blinker on.

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Rick Santorum said today that he read that “7 or 8 of the California system of universities don’t even teach an American history course.” Uh, Rick, ALL the UCs and CSU campus teach and require U.S. History, espec for UCSF which is a med school.

So what’s more likely to happen – that Santorum apologizes. Or that he blames this all on the education system that taught him to read.

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Sarah Palin on the Today show about Mitt Romney potentially getting the nomination “Anything is still possible. There can still be a bit of a shake-up. But the numbers are what the numbers are.” Palin sounds about as excited by Mitt as most GOP primary voters.

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Another weird primary detail. Media reporting “Big win” for Romney in Wisconsin. But he got 42.5 % of vote to Santorum’s 37.7 %. With Paul,Gingrich, Bachmann and Huntsman also getting votes. Meaning 57.5 % of voters still said “Not Obama, but Anyone But Mitt.”

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Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich had both compared themselves to Kansas last Sunday, after the Jayhawks’ surprising comeback against Ohio State. Did someone tell them that was only the NCAA semi-finals?

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Fortunately, no deaths were reported when a small plane crashed into a supermarket near Orlando this morning. This being Florida I wonder how long the plane had been flying with its left blinker on.

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Joe Flacco today told a Baltimore radio station that he believes he’s the “best” quarterback in the NFL. Quick, check that man for concussions.

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Boston Red Sox closer Andrew Bailey will probably need surgery on his thumb, and Josh Beckett has also reported a thumb injury. When will they ever learn – get the ball boys to open your beer cans.

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President Obama referred to the Republican House Budget as “Social Darwinism.” Given the views of most of the GOP field, this may be the first time this year “Republican” and “Darwinism” have been used in the same sentence.

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Kentucky star Anthony Davis says he hasn’t decided about leaving the team for the NBA draft, saying he’s just going to “sit down with my coach, sit down with my family, see what the best decision is for me.”
When asked if there were particular classes he wanted to take, wonder if Davis responded “classes?”

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For April Fool’s Day Air New Zealand offered a “StraightUp” airfare deal that promised “affordable domestic air travel” for anyone willing to use hand holds and stand in the aisle for the duration of the flight.” They’ve confessed the joke, but in the meantime several U.S. carriers started studying the idea.

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Tornadoes are ripping through Texas. The winds are strong enough there are rumors that Rick Perry’s hair actually moved.

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From comedy writing friend John Roman: A tornado is headed for DFW Airport, where it will probably be delayed for about 2 hours.

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President Barack Obama says if President Ronald Reagan was running for president now, he “could not get through a Republican primary today.” Not to mention he’d be the intellectual in the race.

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We’re number one, and done.

April 3, 2012

Which was a bigger joke in tonight’s NCAA mens’s finals? Pretending anyone can actually see the basketball court from the upper seats at the Super Dome? Or pretending all these “one and done”s on Kentucky are really student-athletes?

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What’s wrong with college basketball? For starters, a team of mostly freshmen won the National Championship for Kentucky. And they won’t even be enrolled at the school long enough to watch them hang the banner.

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Anyone on a diet and need a good appetite suppressant? I give you Ann Romney’s response when asked if her husband is too stiff – “We better unzip him and let the real Mitt Romney out.”

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President Obama at halftime talking about his daughters playing basketball. Apparently 10 year old Sasha is especially good. Let’s see, smart girl, genes for height and athleticism (uncle Craig Robinson played at Princeton.)…. wonder how long until Tara pays a recruiting call to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave?

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The European plane maker, Airbus is apparently studying the idea of building new planes with narrower window and middle seats, and wider aisle seats. These would be for larger passengers and those who just want more space. Standby for the “aisle” surcharge.

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Ryan Leaf, arrested for the second time in two days for allegedly stealing prescription pain pills. Waiting for Rush Limbaugh to weigh in on this one.

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Bill Clinton said he would be supportive if Hillary ran for President in 2016. Is anyone surprised? It would entail a lot of time on the road away from home…

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Matt Cain just signed a 6 year, $127 million contract. And the Yankees responded with the same sigh that a very wealthy man makes when the dealer tells them someone already bought the very expensive sports car they were eyeing.

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Some parents in an upscale Brooklyn, NY neighborhood want to ban ice cream trucks from a park because their children become so upset when they are told they can’t have a treat. (http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/slopers_creamy_river_lcaxb1lj4D0SHqo4f2K3GO) And no, apparently this was not an April Fool’s joke…sigh.

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As we edge close to another opening day, a comment from Bill Littlejohn on the Texas Rangers’ 2-foot-long, 3,000-calorie hot dog: “It’s called The Kevorkian.”

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Ubaldo Jimenez was suspended for hitting his former teammate Troy Tulowitzki in the left elbow with a pitch. While it looked pretty blatant, in Jiminez’s defense he hasn’t thrown many pitches where he’s wanted to all spring. (Of course another possibility is that he wanted to hit Tulowitzki in the head.)

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If you are reading this at work on Monday

April 2, 2012

You didn’t win the Mega Millions.

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A Kansas man bought lottery tickets Thursday and joked to an friend about having “a better chance of getting struck by lightning” than winning. Then he survived after being hit by lightning that same night. (And, no, he didn’t win the lottery.) Who says God doesn’t have a sense of humor?

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Great year for Stanford women’s basketball. But against Baylor tonight they were .333 (20-60) on field goals, and .118 (2-17) on 3 pointers. Condoleeza Rice was in attendance… did she inspire the team to shoot like Dick Cheney?

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Congrats to Baylor’s Kim Mulkey for being named the AP women’s college basketball Coach of the Year. Her recipe for success – start with a 6’8″ center who can dunk.

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Congrats to the Notre Dame women, into the NCAA women’s championship game. But those lime green shirts their fans are wearing make Oregon football uniforms look good.

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After the University of Kentucky defeated rival Louisville, fans took to the streets in Lexington setting dozens of fires and flipping over at least one car. A police spokeswoman said nothing happened that wasn’t anticipated and that police were “very pleased.” Yikes, wonder what’s “anticipated” if the Wildcats win it all on Monday.

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Petrotrin, Trinidad’s state-owned petroleum company. announced it has discovered 48 million barrels of crude oil off the island’s southwest coast. Wonder who will be the first GOP candidate calling for the invasion of Trinidad.

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John Calipari has another team into the NCAA championship. So the two big questions for the game. Will Kentucky steamroll Kansas or fall short? And if the Wildcats win, how long will it take the NCAA to talk about them vacating the title?

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Pundits are saying that Mitt Romney seems to be increasingly inevitable as the GOP presidential candidate. And most Republicans are as excited about that as they are about death and taxes.

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SF manager Bruce Bochy said Barry Zito won’t return to the Bay Area with the team, but will stay in Arizona for a few days in hopes he can tweak his delivery. Giants fans are thinking, that’s fine. Can he stay until, say June?

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NJ Gov. Chris Christie told Oprah last week that he would be “much more ready four years from now” to run for president. Sounds like Christie doesn’t think he’ll be running against a Republican incumbent.

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Adam Sandler’s “Jack and Jill” swept the Razzies this year, “winning” the worst award in all 10 categories. Is it too soon to bet on a similar sweep for “John Carter” in 2013?

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A security breach at Global Payments, a credit card payment processor for Visa, Mastercard, American Express and Discover, was first reported potentially to have exposed 10 million card holders. Now the company says it believes less than 1.5 million credit card numbers were stolen. Well, then, we all should feel so much better now?

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Missed it by THAT much.

April 1, 2012

Unlike millions of Americans, Mitt Romney said yesterday he wasn’t going to buy a Mega Millions lottery ticket. Guess Mitt decided he would hold out for a really big jackpot.

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The Azamara Quest is sailing slowly to Malaysia after repairs from an engine room fire that left the cruise ship temporarily disabled. Azamura Club Cruises says electricity has been restored, and all safety procedures were followed – including keeping the captain from falling into any lifeboats

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Mitt Romney says winning the upcoming Wisconsin, Maryland and D.C. primaries Tuesday would be a “big statement.” But really, Romney’s problem hasn’t been the big statement, it’s been changing that statement a week later.

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“Octomom” Nadya Suleman has apparently gone back on her anti-welfare statements and is now receiving $2,000 a month in food assistance from the state of California. Wonder where all the conservative pro-life protesters backing her up are on this one.

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A new CNBC poll says more U.S. homes have Apple products than married couples or children. Of course, spending time with Apple products probably decreases the chances of both marriage and children.

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Much buzz about the fact that whoever bought the Mega Millions winning ticket near Baltimore only bought a single “Quick Pick” ticket. Well, at odds of 175,000,000 to one, the odds on one ticket weren’t significantly lower than one in ten.

(or at least as good as that as a Ron Paul donor’s odds of their candidate winning the GOP nomination.)

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Three of the four teams left in the men’s Final Four are within 200 miles of each other. (Louisville, UK, OSU) and the fourth, Kansas, is still in the Midwest. Which means the East Coast now gets to understand how most Americans feel about all those televised Red Sox Yankees games.

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Jeremy Lin will have knee surgery and probably miss the rest of the NBA season. He still probably spent more time on the court for the Knicks this year than most of the men playing basketball in the NCAA Final Four have spent in classes.

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At this point the only way the SF Giants may be able to get any value out of Barry Zito is to keep paying his salary and trade him to another NL West team.

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Jamie Moyer can become the oldest MLB pitcher with a victory if he wins his first start of the year for the Rockies April 7. Although the game is against the Astros, so would the accomplishment have an asterisk?

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Ann Coulter, trying to get Newt Gingrich out of the Presidential race, said “you can’t have two affairs and run for president.” Showing that her knowledge of history is as strong as her sense of civility.

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Two scoreless innings for Guillermo Mota Saturday. So has anyone asked Bruce Bochy if he’s considered starting Mota and putting Barry Zito in long relief?

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Mega Million Scraps of Paper…

March 31, 2012

Wonder how much money you would get for recycling all the non-winning lottery tickets from Friday….

For all those disappointed folks who spent money on Mega Millions and still haven’t given up on chasing the impossible dream, the Cubs are considering taking nonrefundable deposits on World Series tickets.

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For the sake of the U.S. unemployment rate let’s hope that millions of Americans did not tell their bosses off on Friday in anticipation of being lottery millionaires on Monday.

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The Mega Millions jackpot is up to $640 million. And President Obama may be thinking “Forget this mandate thing, we’ll come up with a system where if people buy health insurance we’ll give them a free monthly lottery ticket.”

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$540 mega-million lottery Friday. Newt Gingrich wonders if winnings are community property, Rick Santorum is thinking God will decide the lucky numbers. And Mitt Romney will say that the winner needs a tax cut.

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The SF Giants have a partnership with Virgin America, including a team plane, which has the Giants logo and a beard. Wonder if the New York Mets will partner with JetBlue. Both have a little trouble getting off the ground, and when they do, things can get a little crazy.

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A 26 year old Cincinnati Bengals cheerleader was indicted Thursday for allegedly having sex with a student when she was a teacher a local high school. She could face up to five years in jail. The boy’s friends may face hearing him brag about it for a lifetime.

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With all the “one and dones” at the top schools, shouldn’t we refer to this weekend’s Men’s NCAA Final Four as the “Championship for the NBA’s REAL D. League?”

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NY GOP Congressional candidate Matt Doheny, with a fiancee back home, was allegedly seen kissing a campaign consultant in Washington, D.C. On a brighter note for his campaign, at least the consultant was female.

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Aging legend Jerry Lee Lewis has married for the 7th time. Judith Brown, his new bride said “Everything just felt right. Neither of us feels like we’ve been married before.” Of course, in Lewis’s case, he now may not REMEMBER being married before.

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A misdemeanor domestic battery charge against Manny Ramirez has been dropped in Florida. Apparently because his wife refuses to cooperate with the investigation. That and the fact that few believe Manny can hit anyone anymore.

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Kate Winslet says hearing Celine Dion’s “My heart will go on,” makes her want to throw up. Well, that makes about 20 million and one of us.

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Congrats to Jamie Moyer,49, who made the Colorado Rockies, and will now be the oldest pitcher ever on a MLB Opening Day roster. Moyer’s next challenge, to become the first pitcher whose age is a higher number than his pitch speed.

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From T.C. Chong. “Jeremy Lin had lunch with fired reporter Anthony Federico today. Anthony apologized profusely for writing the now famous ESPN.com headline. Half an hour later, they ordered another lunch and the writer apologized again.”

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The Past is Gone…..

March 30, 2012

Because we cannot remember it?

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Aerosmith is touring again. Not to say the band is getting old, but their opening song may be “Walker this way.”

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Stanford 75 – Minnesota 51. Go figure. Not only was the Cardinal in the regular season not good enough to make the NCAA’s, they weren’t even close to the best Pac 12 team in the NIT.

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Jeremy Lin now says he “absolutely” believes divine intervention was at work in creating “Lin-sanity.” Which s basically what Tim Tebow says about his own success last fall. So what’s up now? Is God scouting MLB spring training for His/Her next project?

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Former Maryland coach Gary Williams told Washington radio station he thought the Kentucky Wildcats could beat the NBA’s Washington Wizards. Heck, these days the Washington Generals could beat the Washington Wizards.

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For comedy-writers trying to write bipartisan jokes, happy days are here again – Joe Biden is back on the campaign trail. Today referring to community college president Dr. Terry Paper in Iowa as “Dr. Pepper.”

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Millions of Americans are lining up to buy tickets for the $540 Mega Millions jackpot this Friday. Makes sense, these are the same people voting for politicians who promise lower taxes with zero cuts in services they care about.

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Omar Vizquel, 44, has made the Blue Jays roster for 2012. Jamie Moyer is sending his congratulations, adding “Omar is such a hardworking young man.”

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A company (J &D’s Foods) claims on their website that they are actually making a bacon coffin. “This genuine bacon casket is made of 18 Gauge Gasketed Steel with Premium Bacon Exterior/Interior.” Makes a certain amount of sense – be buried in what put you in the ground in the first place.

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A 29 year-old man was caught at Philadelphia Airport with fireworks in his carryon bag. Apparently it was determined he is not a terrorist. But wonder if they charged him with felony stupidity.

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The Donald, presumably bored with 2012, is predicting the next Democratic presidential primary, and saying “Hillary Clinton, I think, is a terrific woman. I just like her. I like her and I like her husband.” Is he angling for Clinton-Trump 2016?

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One problem facing Americans today is that it’s hard to tell the real news from the satire. (As in, is it the mainstream media, or the Onion?)
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The Marlins just released Aaron Rowand. Which means he’ll be getting about as many big hits for Miami as he did last year for the San Francisco Giants.

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Newt Gingrich apparently met secretly with Mitt Romney on Saturday. It could have been to talk about the race. Or maybe since Newt has been married now to his third wife Callista for 12 years, he just missed having secret meetings.
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“I’ll be here all week, try the truffle and caviar topped veal…”

March 29, 2012

Yep, he’s a laugh a minute. Mitt Romney has moved on to Wisconsin, where he told anecdotes to a crowd, saying “One of the most humorous I think relates to my father….” The story was about his dad closing a factory….

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Arlen Specter said today “Bill [Maher] had it exactly right; he said that Mitt Romney has changed positions more often than a pornographic movie queen.” Prompting immediate demands for an apology – from porn movie queens.

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Matt Kemp, on the sale of his team to a group led by Magic Johnson – “This is a pretty good day for the Dodgers.” True enough, but isn’t any day that gets Frank McCourt out of the owner’s box a “pretty good day for the Dodgers?”

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Unreal, Frank McCourt almost destroys a once-proud Dodgers franchise, and walks away with several hundred million dollars. What’s next? Someone will hire him to run an airline?

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Dwayne Wade is apparently writing a book on fatherhood, and said “For me, it was therapeutic to do this.” Impressive in this “one and done” age for NBA players. Not only that Wade can write a book, but that he knows the word “therapeutic.”

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In case you missed opening night (late night), by the time you read this, you’ve probably already also missed the 2nd game of the 2012 MLB Baseball season was televised live March 29 on MLB Network and MLB.TV with no blackout restrictions. At 2:00am Pacific Time. Thank you Bud Selig.

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Justice Scalia to Paul Clement, the lawyer arguing against “Obamacare” – “Is there any chance at all that 26 States opposing it have Republican governors and all of the states supporting it have Democratic governors? Is that possible?” Wonder if Scalia next asked if there was gambling in Casablanca?
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Bill Parcells, on the possible interim Saints coaching job: “Sean’s become a dear, dear friend. I’m trying to be a friend. If he needs me and the owner and GM feel the same way, then I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t consider it.” That and the Saints may be able to give him several million more reasons.

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One question after Romney’s latest “did he say that?” moment, i.e. telling a “humorous story” about his father closing a factory. So where does Mitt find his speechwriters?

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Tom Verducci of Sports Illustrated has made his predictions for the 2012 MLB season and he has the New York Mets in last place in the NL East with a 75-87 record. Longtime New York fans are shocked – Verducci actually thinks the Mets will win 75 games?

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It’s official, there will be an “Anchorman 2” starring Will Ferrell. I don’t know how to put this but I guess that’s kind of a big deal.

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From Marc Ragovin: New Jet Blue Slogan. “We’re Crazy About Flying.”

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Not In Tournament.

March 28, 2012

The NIT men’s tournament final will feature Minnesota against Stanford. If Stanford, generally considered the most academically-oriented team in this years tournament wins, will they be known as the “NIT-Wits?”

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Newt Gingrich is laying off about 1/3 of his staff. And no doubt he will blame the resulting unemployment increase on Obama.

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Does the men’s basketball NIT trophy have an image on it of a big fish in a very small pond?

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When Mitt Romney remodels his California beach house, he plans to install a separate car elevator. Will the elevator have room for dog crates on the roof?

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On the Tonight Show Tuesday Mitt Romney referred to Chris Christie as “indomitable” Many skeptical GOP primary voters commented, “See, how do you expect us to support someone who uses all those fancy foreign words?”

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As we approach the Final Four, many outside the state may not realize just how much Louisville and U. Kentucky hate each other. In fact, there hasn’t been so much animosity in Kentucky since two brothers both wanted to marry their same sister.

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In Dubai, they now have an “emergency pizza button.” It’s an electronic fridge magnet that you press that uses your smart phone’s bluetooth connection to send your regular order to your regular pizza place. Uh, two things, one, wouldn’t programming the number into your phone be as effective and, two, this sounds so lazy are we sure it wasn’t invented by an American?

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Arthur Blank, owner of the Atlanta Falcons, has come out in support of the NFL’s penalties for the New Orleans Saints, saying “I think he (Goodell) dealt with it appropriately.” Translation, the Falcons didn’t have bounties, and if we did, the records have been expunged.

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The province of Ontario, Canada, just legalized brothels. In related news, a lot of free agent players just added the Raptors and Blue Jays to their lists.

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The International Volleyball Federation says it will allow women beach volleyball players to wear shorts and sleeved tops instead of bikinis at the London Olympics. That crashing sound you just heard was advertising rates based on potential viewership falling through the floor.

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Sarah Palin’s comment about Rick Santorum’s swearing at that (sic)”liberal, leftist, in-the-tank-for-Obama press character.” : “It was good, and it was strong, and it was about time.” As usual Sarah, class, nothing but class.

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Okay San Francisco Giants fans, a friend reports that Aaron Rowand is batting 6-45 (.133) for FLA. It’s still spring training but sounds like Rowand is already in midseason form.
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Frank McCourt has agreed to sell the Los Angeles Dodgers to a group led by Magic Johnson for $2 billion. McCourt bought the team for $430 million in 2004, so even after running the team into the ground, incurring debt, a messy divorce,,paying lawyers….the guy will make several hundred million dollars. And according to the GOP Presidential candidates, he still needs a tax cut.

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