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Pre Oscar thoughts….

March 7, 2010

As with every year, while there were some excellent movies and performances nominated, there have also been significant omissions.

For example, in the acting category…why no nominations for…

Mark McGwire – for “I didn’t take steroids to help me hit homeruns.”

Bud Selig, for saying the era of performance-enhancing drugs in baseball is over. (And for taking credit for cleaning it up.)

and a belated award to John Edwards – for renewing his marriage vows on his 30th wedding anniversary, right about the same time he conceived his child with Rielle Hunter.

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Or how about Roy Ashburn, California State Senator from Bakersfield, for his performance as a conservative anti-homosexual Christian. (Senator Ashburn is currently on “personal leave” after being arrested for DUI in Sacramento after leaving a gay club with a male companion.)

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Americans profess to be getting tired of the Tiger Woods story and many are saying they wish he would just go away. Meanwhile, did you hear who was leading this week’s Honda Classic? Yeah, me neither.

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The North Carolina Tarheels capped off their worst regular season in recent memory, losing to Duke 82-50 and finishing 5-11 in the ACC. It’s the most embarrassing story in the state. At least until the next John Edwards sex tape surfaces.

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The head of Tennessee’s hospitality association sent an email to a group of public figures comparing Michelle Obama to Tarzan’s chimpanzee friend “Cheeta.” He said it was a joke. But there were better and smarter targets for the “Cheeta” label. Like Mark Sanford and John Edwards.

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The Razzie for worst picture of the year went to “Transformers – Revenge of the Fallen.” Sounds like a documentary about all the Republicans who used to love big spending and federal subsidies, but transformed into filibustering deficit hawks when a Democrat took back the White House.

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Back to reality…

March 2, 2010

As many Americans on the west coast in particularly made it into work Monday after their regularly schedule time, and told their bosses… “I’m not late, I’m just tape delayed.”

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The gold medal hockey game between the U.S. and Canada was the most watched television event in Canada ever. In the U.S. it was the most watched television event, of the week, until the final episode tonight of this season’s “The Bachelor.”

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Monday night, Jay Leno returned to the Tonight Show at 1135p. Of course, most west coast viewers thought it was just the 10pm Jay Leno show being tape delayed.

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Apparently Simon Cowell of American Idol is in love and getting married. Really? I wonder what state has passed a law allowing a man to marry himself?

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A significant percentage of Americans now get their news from Facebook. Which might explain why a lot of them think that Obama has a farm with several lost lambs at the White House and that Dick Cheney is a master at Mafia Wars.

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The Vancouver Health Department says they gave out over 100,000 condoms during the games. Which is a good thing from a health standpoint. On another level, weren’t these athletes exactly the sort of people the world WANTS to meet and reproduce?

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Former President Bill Clinton apparently called Tiger Woods recently to pledge his support. Including an offer, if Woods was feeling tempted, to be the caretaker of his rolodex.

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A recent physicial showed that Barack Obama is in excellent shape, except for slightly high cholesterol, and his inability to completely give up cigarettes. On the other hand, countless Americans are relieved at the concept of a President who is doing nothing more with tobacco products except smoking them.

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Darwin award nominee of the Month – (yes, this is tacky.)

Authorities believe a Washington man was killed, after he escaped injury in a single-car accident, by urinating on power lines the accident had downed. Talk about dying to take a leak.

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Winding down the Olympics…

February 27, 2010

Only two more days of competition. Which means only about a week until NBC catches up with the tape delay.

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The US hockey team scored SIX goals against Finland in the first period of today’s Olympic semi-final. Most Canadian hockey fans have never seen anything that embarrassing before. Well, without the Maple Leafs being involved.

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With all the U.S. excitement over Olympic hockey, some reporters have started asking American fans who they are rooting for in the Stanley Cup. The number one response – “What’s the Stanley Cup?”

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Short track speed skating is amazing. Especially as it’s often the only skaters still upright at the end who medal. Sometimes it seems as if the athletes have less chance of making it to the end of the race than Mel Gibson has to pass a field sobriety test.

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A centralized technical glitch caused JetBlue Airways to delay or cancel many flights that had not yet taken off Friday afternoon. Sounds like business as usual.

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The California Department of Alcoholic Beverage Control has started warning bars that it is illegal to “infuse” spirits – for examples to make ginger or fruit vodka, or jalapeno tequila. Good to know that in these tough economic times our state tax dollars are being used wisely.-

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Howard Stern is planning to organize a beauty pageant for all of Tiger Woods’ mistresses. His biggest potential problem – don’t pageants, like Miss America, usually cap the contestant total at 50?

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Tacky time.

Gatorade is the latest company to drop Tiger Woods as a promoter. Apparently while the company coined the slogan “Is it in you?” they weren’t happy with who Woods was in.

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And commie pinko time:

Insurance companies are not only greedy, they are dumb. After the Republicans got the 41st vote in the Senate, some insurers immediately implemented huge rate increases. Six months or a year from now the issue might have died down, but instead they are giving us new ammunition to get reform passed.

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As we move to week two of the Winter Olympics…

February 21, 2010

And NBC is about halfway through their tape-delayed West Coast coverage of week one…

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Question of the night. If ice dancing can be a Winter Olympics sport, why isn’t ballroom dancing a Summer Olympics sport?
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Glenn Beck criticized the Republican party for their love of spending and big government and said they should admit their problem and show the same remorse as Tiger Woods. But is there any comparison? Tiger probably screwed a few dozen women, the GOP’s “don’t tax- spend anyway” policy screwed the entire country.

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During Spring Training yesterday, several SF Giants players showed up early to practice their runs from first to third on a single. Benji Molina was working on his sprint from first to second.

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At his press conference Tiger Woods admitted infidelities but denied his wife had hit him with a two iron. Actually, Elin used a sand wedge.

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Wish I had written these, first from my very funny friend Alan Ray.

“The annual running of the brides was held in Filene’s Basement in New York. Women stampede through a store for a $429 wedding gown. How totally ridiculous. You’d think it was an Xbox.”

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And from Alex Kaseberg:

Some controversy at the Vancouver Olympics. Today three of the men’s figure skaters tested positive for Appletinis.
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Crouching to watch no longer hidden Tiger…

February 20, 2010

And we thought Tiger kept his galleries under control. You almost expected him to give the “heel” sign to the journalists who sat and gazed rapt upon him. (photo from Eric Gay/AP)

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The media was full of stories of how Tiger Woods “bared his soul” today at his press conference. Of course, had his soul been all Tiger had bared earlier, he wouldnt have needed the press conference in the first place.

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Major League Baseball has officially banned weapons in the clubhouse. Well, that shouldn’t affect the San Francisco Giants’ hitters. They haven’t had any real weapons for years.

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As Tiger Woods joins a long line of celebrities who have apologized for their sexual misconduct, one thought comes to mind – all of these apologies might ring a little truer if they happened before the person involved was publicly caught.

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The Canadian team has some incredible talent, but when actually play began to win an Olympic championship, they almost lost to lowly Switzerland. Maybe it wasn’t the greatest idea to build a team around four San Jose Sharks?

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So Tiger Woods’ news conference was right in the middle of the Accenture Match Play Championship. and some think it was deliberately timed to steal the limelight from the tournament since the company had dropped him as a sponsor. Nah, only a completely egomanical, win-at-all-costs, self-absorbed person would do something like that.

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Tanith Belbin and her partner skated their first compulsory ice dance tonight. And all over America men who had been complaining “This ice dancing stuff is boring/silly/ridiculous suddenly remarked “You know, honey we don’t have to change channels for a little while longer if you want… ”

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And regarding Scotty Lago, who was sent home from the Olympics with his bronze medal after risque pictures surfaced of him on the internet….. One, did anyone really think that when they allowed snowboarders into the Olympics that they were getting choir boys and girls? And two, has anyone at the IOC seen some of these ice skating and dancing costumes?

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The Nets, Wizards, and other jokes…

January 29, 2010

The Washington Wizards say they want to move forward after the suspensions of Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton. Hello, the team is 14-30. Forward’s about the only direction they can go.

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Any further backwards and they’d be the Washington Generals.

(note, if that last joke was to archaic, the Generals are the perennial rivals to the Harlem Globetrotters.)

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The Nets, 4-40 (no, that’s not a misprint), now take on the Washington Wizards, 14-30, on Friday night. “May the best team win” somehow doesn’t seem like an appropriate comment.

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Even for hardcore Republicans, Barack Obama’s State of the Union did not contain the most unbelievable moment on television Wednesday night; that would have been when they switched to Sportcenter and saw that the New Jersey Nets actually won.

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For serious fans of professional NBA basketball, watching the Nets-Wizards game has to be as appealing as it would be for conservatives to watch a Nancy Pelosi-Hillary Clinton debate…

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John Mayer now says he has masturbated his way out of problems. Yeah, except for “No officer, I wasn’t texting/drinking/using a cellphone while I was driving, I was…oh never mind…give me the ticket…”

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So when is Apple going to start giving out free pink cases for the iPad so you can carry it discreetly in your purse or briefcase?

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NBC is ending the Jay Leno show a few days earlier than planned before the Winter Olympics. Apparently they want to fill the slot with programming that will get higher ratings – like NHL hockey.

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The media is reporting that Tiger Woods is in a sex rehab camp. A camp? Do they go around chanting “Two, four, six, eight, we don’t need to fornicate?

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And from Bill Littlejohn: Reportedly Elin Woods was a guest of the Favres in the past week.No wonder she can’t make up her mind whether to leave Tiger or not”

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The Mourning after….

January 21, 2010

Who knew, the “Hangover” could turn out to be a Democratic documentary for the day after the Massachusetts special election?

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At one point in her Senate campaign, Martha Coakley referred to Red Sox World Series hero Curt Schilling as a “Yankees fan.” In retrospect, that may have been when many voters in effect told her to “put a bloody sock in it.”
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At least Coakley wasn’t asked about Bobby Orr. She might have made some comment about rowing.

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John McCain’s wife Cindy has decided to come out against Proposition 8, the anti-gay marriage initiative in California. In a new ad, Cindy is wearing duct tape across her mouth. Just think of what could have happened had her husband’s campaign tried that strategy with Sarah Palin.
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Tiger Woods now apparently says he’s a “sex addict.” So what’s the difference between a sex addict and most men? Means and opportunity.

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Gavin Newsom gave an interview to Maureen Dowd of the New York Times saying he planned to leave politics in 2012. Later, he called the reporter to say he was “just kidding.” Who knows with the mercurial San Francisco mayor? Maybe he’ll end up playing quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings.

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Now it turns out that besides having a mediocre record at Tennessee and leaving after only a year, Lane Kiffin also wrecked the Lexus loaned to him by the university. Guess this assures that Coach Kiffin will go down in Volunteer history as “Rocky Flop.”

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No NHL team with at least seven players chosen to various Olympic teams has ever won the Stanley Cup. The Sharks have eight players going to Vancouver this year. Well, I guess that streak is safe.

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Four of the Sharks are playing for Canada. If Canada wins the gold, San Jose may ask that the NHL playoffs next year be moved up to February.

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Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes…

January 13, 2010

This just in: Conan O’Brien changed his Facebook status from “In a relationship with NBC” to “It’s complicated.”

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Let’s see, Mark McGwire “comes clean” about steroids, but says he didn’t use them to help hit home runs and adds that Jose Canseco is lying about them injecting each other. Well, okay, admittedly Canseco is a scumbag, but if we are comparing records on the honesty scale.

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Isn’t Mark McGwire now calling Jose Canseco a liar like John Edwards calling Tiger Woods a bad husband?

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Matt Lauer asked Senator John McCain “if the vetting of Sarah Palin was so woefully inadequate that no one from the campaign traveled to Alaska to interview her husband or any of her political opponents? “I wouldn’t know,” McCain replied. Yes, and isn’t that the point exactly.

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Former Illinois Govenor Rod Blagojevich said he was “blacker than Barack Obama.” Now, there is no chance Blago is blacker than Obama. But he is certifiably dumber than a post.

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Another one bites the dust. At a time when no candidate has really caught fire, or come up with any really serious and practical new ideas, Tom Campbell is dropping out of the race to be the next Governor of California. This isn’t a gubernatorial race, it’s “last comic standing.”

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Tom Campbell is dropping out of the Republican gubernatorial primary, leaving the contest to multi-millionaires Meg Whitman and Steve Poizner, who have already spent almost $20 million between them. If Whitman and Poizner really want to help California, what about donating the rest of their campaign budget to the state, and flipping a coin to decide a winner?

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Lane Kiffin has left the University of Tennessee after barely a year and will now coach at USC. It’s all about ambition – guess he wanted to be on probation at a higher-profile school.

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In his short tenure at Tennessee, Kiffin was cited for several minor NCAA violations, three players were arrested, and the football program was accused of more serious recruiting violations involving scantily clad coeds. With that much mess in such a short time – if this USC gig doesn’t work out Kiffin could be offered a job in the programming department of NBC.

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And today’s final word back at NBC, Conan O’Brien has rejected the network’s offer of a 1205a show. Well, the 10 pm slot is vacant….

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Taking a shot at it…

January 5, 2010

Unclear on the concept award for Gilbert Arenas, who said the guns in the locker room incident was “a joke.” Note to Gilbert, real guns are never a joke. Now the Wizards’ record this year – THAT’S a joke.

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The next home of the NHL Winter Classic – an outdoor hockey game – is rumored to be Citi Field. Presumably the game could even be played in September. That’s when Mets fans are most used to seeing a cold team.

Or they could schedule the outdoor game at Citi Field in October. The Mets won’t be using it.

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A new biography of Warren Beatty puts the actor second only to Wilt Chamberlain in the promiscuity department, claiming Beatty slept with over 12,000 women. But to be fair, they haven’t publicity released all of Tiger’s texts yet.
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Warren Beatty now says that reports of him having slept with 12,774 women are a “gross exaggeration.” Apparently he says the number is 11,000 max.

One issue with this alleged “body count” is simply the time involved. If the number is anywhere near accurate, then the movie Beatty should have made was clearly “Gone in 60 seconds.”
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75 years ago this week United Airlines announced they cut the travel time for U.S. transcontinental flights down to 18 hours. Which, curiously enough, is about as long as it will take once TSA finishes tinkering with security.

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So despite Redskins coach Jim Zorn having signed a five year contract, he was fired today after two years for poor performance. Any chance Americans could work out a deal like that for those elected to Congress?

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Christmas gifts and other thoughts…

December 25, 2009

After the Tiger Woods story, wonder how long it will take someone to come up with a phone that allows you to text with the electronic equivalent of invisible ink?

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For parents whose kids get Zhu Zhu pet hamsters that end up breaking before New Years, here’s one positive thought. At least you won’t have to bury them in the back yard. Maybe.

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A little pre-flight tension for Santa Claus this year. TSA demanded first and last legal names for all his reindeer. And as for anyone who asked for perfume, bubble bath or anything like a snow globe, you may be out of luck. Nobody warned Santa about that carryon liquid ban.

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USAToday.com lists the most popular stories of the day. Number one for December 24 – “Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins split”. Number four, “Senate passes healthcare bill.”

Does this really need a punchline?

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The Pope was apparently knocked down by a woman who jumped the barrier at St Peter’s during the start of Midnight Mass. His Holiness was unhurt. And all I can think of is the old joke about the Italian woman who listened to a Papal speech about chastity and birth control… and approached him afterwards with the comment “Hey, no play-a the game, no make-a the rules.”

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Sad news from Washington that legendary George Michael has passed away on Christmas Eve. At least he won’t have to watch any more of the Redskins’ season.

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So rollcall for the healthcare bill at 700a Thursday morning, necessitating pre-dawn wakeup calls for all Senators. It was the first time that many of them had been up at such an early hour… unless they were sneaking home.

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A book was returned to a Massachusetts library almost 99 years overdue. The book was titled
“Facts I Ought to Know about the Government of My Country” and it was supposed to have been returned by May 10, 1910.
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Well, it’s good to see that even then the young Larry King was doing his pre-interview homework.

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Philadelphia Eagles players honored Michael Vick by voting him the recipient of the team “Courage” award, for what he’s been through. Does that mean that someday PGA players could vote Tiger Woods “Husband of the Year?”

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Cellphones and other hazards.

December 21, 2009

Maine may be the first state to pass a law saying that cellphone use may be hazardous to your health. In related news, after the Tiger Woods case, Florida may pass a law saying texting may be hazardous to your marriage.

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The Senate finally took the first vote towards passing healthcare reform, despite a winter storm that basically shut down the city, and required some senators to fly in on government planes for the vote. Maybe it wasn’t a good idea for some opponents to say they would pass healthcare reform when Hell froze over.

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Despite the fact that healthcare reform has been debated in Congress since March, and by presidents off an on since Truman, Maine Senator Olympia Snowe said she will vote against the bill because it was “rushed.” and that the “process denies us the opportunity to thoroughly and carefully and deliberately evaluate what’s at stake.”

Her comments won’t win her any friends in the Democratic party. But she might get a campaign donation from Brett Favre.

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Democrats are celebrating what now looks like sure passage of the healthcare bill. Republicans are saying it might be the biggest mistake in Washington in recent memory, or at least since Dan Snyder was allowed to purchase the Redskins.
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After this weekend, three of the 34 college football bowl games are over. And if you can name the winners of all three, you probably have too much time on your hands.

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“Up in the Air” is already a favorite for “Best Picture,” and as a travel agent I can say that a surprising number of the details about frequent flier miles and travel are accurate. But not all of them. Without giving anything important about the movie away I can say without a doubt that the movie’s biggest “fantasy” is that there might actually be empty seats next to someone sitting in first class.

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So the prodigal quarterback (and potentially Oakland’s most expensive mistake ever), comes off the bench because there was literally no one else left. And he leads the Raiders to an improbable last-minute comeback. If this were a script it would be panned as too farfetched.

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And meanwhile in Charlotte, Brett Favre was unable to lead the Vikings to a comeback win over the Carolina Panthers. But let’s be fair, it was the Sunday night game. Which means the fourth quarter was way past his bedtime.

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The Panthers sacked Favre four times, and intercepted him once. Good thing the game wasn’t in Minnesota. Some of the Carolina Panthers could have been arrested for elder abuse.

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You think your team had a bad day…

December 16, 2009

How about the kids at Texas-Pan American, who lost to the University of Texas in basketball 104-42. Normally when a basketball game is this embarrassing, the New Jersey Nets are involved.

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Meanwhile, in the SEC, teams are lining up to see if Texas-Pan American has a football team available for a non-conference game.

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Because of the tough economy, schools in some states are trying to saving money by going to four day weeks. Leading some kids to say this has to be greater than the Great Depression.

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A survey of Global Traveler magazine readers had Chicago O’Hare as the number one airport in the United States. With all due respect, many people don’t even think it’s the number one airport in Chicago.

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There is talk of the NCAA men’s basketball tournament expanding to 96 teams. And we thought March was a month for low U.S. worker productivity before.

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Okay, I wasn’t quite accurate yesterday. Turns out the Arizona Cardinals did not have two interceptions and five fumbles on Monday night. They had two interceptions and SEVEN fumbles. But they recovered two of their own fumbles.

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Regarding the NFL’s blackout policy. Maybe they are going about it all wrong. If a lousy team like the Raiders or Rams doesn’t sell out a home game, viewers in that city get one of the nationally televised games. Wouldn’t it make more sense to say if the game doesn’t sell out, fans have to watch their lousy locals, instead of a team like the Chargers, Vikings, Saints or Colts.

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According to Golf.com, industry experts claim that Tiger Woods’ absence from the sport will have little economic effect. And we thought Tiger’s original statement was unrealistic.

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Tiger Woods’ popularity has fallen down to 33 percent. Any lower and maybe he should think about running for Congress.

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Tennessee football coach Lane Kiffin says he considers the investigations into the school’s recruiting practices as a “compliment.” If so, my sense is that Kiffin and the Volunteers are due for a lot of ego-stroking in the near future.

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Indianapolis Colts and New Orleans Saints, move over. The Penn State women’s volleyball team now has a 100 game winning streak. (This, by the way, is 12 games more than than the great UCLA men’s basketball team in the early 70s.)

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In praise of procrastination.

December 12, 2009

Think of all the sportswriters who prepared their “Best Sports Story of the Decade” articles before Thanksgiving.

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And just think, a few weeks ago the most embarrassing sports story in Florida was the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

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So despite a photo of two Tennessee recruits, in the rain, with two lovely women dressed for a fancy party, on the field after a football game, and despite fact those recruits later committed to Tennessee, the University maintains they did nothing wrong.

Said Pete Rose, “I wouldn’t bet on it.”

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And who’d a thunk this?. Bill Clinton will end up married longer than Mark Sanford.

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Surprising appearance of Sarah Palin on the Tonight Show, after William Shatner had done more dramatic readings of excerpts from her book. She in turn read of some Shatner’s memoirs out loud. Who would have expected that – Sarah can read?

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The Big 10 is thinking of expanding to 12 teams from 11. And we wonder why college athletes aren’t good at math.
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Jim Bob and Michelle Duggars had their 19th child, a girl born by emergency caesarean, Thursday night. 19 children?! Even the Octomom says “Are these people nuts?”

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The buzz already is that the new movie “Up in the Air” has a strong chance to win Best Picture. And for the uninitiated, no, it’s not a documentary on Tiger Woods’ career.

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The San Jose Sharks have lost their fourth in a row. It’s only December and they already are in postseason form.

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All booked up.

December 11, 2009

A new tell-all book, “The Politician.” written by a former aide and close friend of John Edwards is coming out in February. And Tiger Woods is looking into how much it would cost to have the book’s release date moved up to next week.

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Sarah Palin actually praised the President today, saying that his Nobel Peace Prize address reminded her about things she wrote about in her book. Except that Obama’s speech was in English.

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Give Tiger Woods credit for one thing….he has proved that given an interesting enough topic, most Americans WILL read.

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Despite barely avoiding an embarrassing upset against Nebraska after one second was put back on the clock, Texas football coach Mack Brown was rewarded with a raise to $5 million a year. I hope he shares some with the replay booth officials.

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As the holidays approach, police remind us that texting while driving is dangerous. Also texting while chipping, putting and walking the fairways. As Tiger Woods will attest.

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Paul McCartney now says his marriage to Heather Mills was a mistake. In related news, Adam Lambert is still gay.

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Anyone catch Barry Manilow on the Jay Leno Show? He looks like the love child of Clay Aiken and Keith Carradine.

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A judge today ruled in favor of TLC in their contract dispute with Jon Gosselin. So there is now a preliminary junction barring Jon from appearing on any other reality television shows. Bummer, said absolutely no one.

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And a little Toby Gerhart commercial. Some say that an previously unheralded running back from a school that was picked to MAYBE make it to .500 has no chance for the Heisman. Yeah, and how many people thought that Notre Dame would spend so much effort pursuing a football coach from the University of Cincinnati?

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The newest gift?

December 10, 2009

The newest gift this season? The Tiger Woods advent calendar. Every day in December another window opens to a surprise.

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Earlier in the year, Representative Joe Baca introduced a resolution to honor Tiger Woods with a Congressional Gold Medal. He has withdrawn the resolution. Apparently he feels that it would set a bad precedent to give a medal to someone who clearly seems to be working towards a career in politics.

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As the number of “transgressions” keeps climbing for Tiger Woods, I have to wonder what’s more shocking, that these stories are coming out now? Or that he managed to keep them quiet so long in the first place?

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How shocking would this headline have been just a few weeks ago? “Tiger’s alleged mistress apologizes to wife.” Even more shocking, the fact that at this point the response of most Americans would be “Which one?”

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CBS is cancelling “As the World Turns” after 54 years. I guess they figured, who needs to produce a soap opera when we have options like “The Tiger Woods Show?”

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Cincinnati’s Chad Ochocinco was fined $30,000 for his latest stunt, briefly donning a mock poncho and a sombrero next to the bench following his touchdown catch during the Bengals’ 23-13 win over Detroit last week, $10,000 more than the fine he got for pretending to bribe an official during a game earlier this season.

Anyone else out there who’s beginning to think Ochicinco might be the NFL’s best value for entertainment dollar?

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Mack Brown of the University of Texas received a raise this week, making him college football’s first official $5 million a year man. Of course, this doesn’t count the coaches who end up getting $5 million a year, when teams like Notre Dame fire them with years left on their contract.

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This week in Copenhagen, thousands are convening to discuss how we all can reduce carbon emissions. So many VIPs are attending, in fact, that the airport is having trouble finding space for the 140 private jets.

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JetBlue is offering a $25 online discount on their flights for the holidays. Wouldn’t it be more practical to give customers a $25 onboard credit while the plane is waiting for takeoff.

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Some say it is ironic that President Obama is accepting the Nobel Peace Prize after committing more troops to a war in Afghanistan. No more ironic than President Clinton signing the “Defense of Marriage” act. Or for that matter George W. Bush calling himself the “Education President.

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Not so academic All-American

December 9, 2009

The University of Texas regularly ranks amongst the lowest in football player graduation rates. In the meantime, quarterback Colt McCoy admitted he didn’t realize a thrown football must hit something before the clock stops, which almost cost his team the game against Nebraska.. Maybe next year the Longhorns will consider SOME required reading – the rulebook.

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Virgin Galactic is taking deposits for their planned 2011 passenger suborbital space flights. The price of the tickets is expected to be $200,000. With presumably about $100,000 extra in fuel surcharges and taxes, not to mention nominal charges for inflight snacks and beverages.

Wonder what their slogan will be – “Want to REALLY get away?

“Something special in the stratosphere?”

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Kate Gosselin – formerly of Jon and Kate plus 8 -apparently spent a few hours working at a North Carolina pancake house in preparation for a possible new reality show. The working title of that show? “Meet Tiger Woods.”

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Sarah Palin said that while Mike Huckabee made a “horrible decision” nine years ago to commute the prison sentence of the man suspected of killing four police officers in Washington, her “heart goes out” to the former Arkansas governor.

Just wondering, would she be as forgiving if the man had been pardoned by also former Arkansas governor Bill Clinton?

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Cincinnati coach Brian Kelly is rumored to be the leading candidate to replace Charlie Weis at Notre Dame. According to some media sources, this is partly to do with his being Irish Catholic. On the other hand, if he could lead them to a BCS bowl, my sense is the Fighting Irish would hire a direct descendant of Brigham Young.

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If Kelly replaces Weis, he will probably get at least a 6 year deal for about $20 million. Which based on the Notre Dame athletic department’s expectations, could mean over $6 million a year for his actual South Bend coaching career.

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The final joke is just sick and tacky, but what the heck?

Some wonder just how angry Elin Nordegren is getting as more and more details emerge about the number of Tiger’s “transgressions.” But apparently Elin’s only comment is that she wishes her husband had met Sahel Kazemi.

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Did you hear the one that wasn’t about Tiger Woods?

December 8, 2009

Many women across America are getting particularly sick of the Tiger Woods story. Partly because they can’t understand why so many other women would basically throw themselves at a celebrity for a tawdry quick relationship. Unless it was George Clooney.

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VH1 will air a show about the wives of NBA players. Sponsored, I would assume, by Tiffanys.

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Florida coach Urban Meyer checked into a Gainesville hospital the morning after his team’s blowout loss to Alabama the night before, suffering from dehydration. Gosh, it would have been nice to have something on the Gator sideline he could have been drinking to avoid that problem…

(inside baseball note, Gatorade was INVENTED at the University of Florida for athletes)

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What’s particularly surprising about Meyer apparently not having drunk any Gatorade. We sure know none of it was wasted by being dumped on him at the end of the game.

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Allen Iverson was in tears when he announced he was signing again with the 76ers. Wonder who will be crying next – his teammates or 76ers fans?

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A man accidentally shot and killed his friend in North Carolina during an argument over the Texas-Nebraska football game. Residents are shocked, normally such fatalities in the state only happen over Duke-UNC basketball.

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The Northwest pilots who got distracted with their laptops and overshot Minneapolis are now blaming the incident on air traffic controllers. Isn’t that like Tiger Woods blaming his accident on the tree?

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Tacky question of the day. By the end of the year which will be a higher number – Tiger Woods’ Masters wins, or known mistresses?

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Baltimore was called for five pass interference penalties against Green Bay on Monday night, a new NFL record. Good thing they didn’t get all those penalties when Brett Favre was still the Packers quarterback. The Ravens could be cited for elder abuse.

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Actually the Packers and Ravens were called for 23 penalties between them, the second highest total ever in an NFL game. The highest, presumably, being in a Raiders intra-squad scrimmage.

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The Packers and Ravens combined for 23 penalties for 310 yards in their Monday Night Football game. There were so many flags, some viewers thought they were watching a preview of the Vancouver opening ceremonies.

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Beyond Tiger and beyond..

December 7, 2009

For anyone getting just a little tired of the Tiger Woods story and the constant new evidence surfacing, be grateful for one thing. Text messages weren’t around when Bill Clinton was in his heyday.

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Would hate to have them miss kickoff…

Has anyone thought to remind Pete Carroll and the USC Trojans, headed to their first ever Emerald Bowl on December 26, that not all bowls are played on New Year’s Day?

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USC in the Emerald Bowl!!! The Trojans were picked early this year to contend for the National Championship. USC may be the most disappointedly over-rated team to show up at A T and T Park since last September when the Cubs played the Giants.

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Emerald, by the way, stands not for the color, but for Emerald Nuts, the bowl’s sponsor.

This could the first, (and perhaps one of the few non R rated versions) of what will be a lot of jokes including the USC mascot and the bowl name.

The Trojans in the Emerald Bowl? You must be Nuts.

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Okay, if you believe God has any interest in sports whatsoever, then clearly He (or She) is rooting for the New Orleans Saints this year. Either that or God really enjoys torturing Redskins fans.

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A horse was entered in the sixth race Friday at Hollywood Park in Los Angeles named Driveliketiger. The horse unfortunately was scratched. Wonder if he claimed he hit a hydrant or a tree?

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The San Diego Padres have stated their 2010 payroll will probably fall from $42.6 million to around $30 million. You know what that means, for Padres players and fans it’s safe to plan that October vacation in Hawaii.

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And okay, another comment-rant on the BCS system. Baseball and basketball have enough games that this tends not to happen at any level. But imagine in the NFL, that a team like the New Orleans Saints, picked somewhere between 12-24th (yes, 24th by Sports Illustrated, oops) in NFL preseason polls, simply could not move high enough into the rankings to be able to play for the Super Bowl. Because there were too many teams once ranked above them. Whereas teams like the Indianapolis Colts would still have to win, but would have no problem qualifying if they did. Because that’s the system we’ve got.

Yeah, probably the three undefeated teams left out of the Championship game aren’t quite at Texas-Alabama level. (Although Texas sure didn’t look at “Texas level” in winning against Nebraska.) Boise State and TCU won every game they played. And Cincinnati even went undefeated in a BCS conference, knocking off more ranked teams (3) than either Texas or Alabama (2 each.) You get the sense that BCS officials will be wearing Tim Tebow eye-black during the Sugar Bowl, which pits the Bearcats against Florida.

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Endings…

December 2, 2009

Bobby Bowden leaving Florida State – the end of an era.

Charlie Weis leaving Notre Dame – the end of an error.

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Sarah Palin’s memoir ‘Going Rogue’ has sold more than one million copies. And at least a dozen of those copies might actually get read.

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“You can’t make this stuff up” department, again. On Cincinnati.com (where I was looking for information on Brian Kelly and the Notre Dame coaching vacancy,) a pop-up ad for Miller’s Bakery, Furniture and Bulk Foods. Miller’s also proudly proclaims they are “Amish owned – Amish operated.”

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GM Ceo Fritz Henderson resigned today. Which surprised a lot of Americans who didn’t realize anyone was driving at GM.

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Major League Baseball has asked Internet sites to remove several semi-nude photographs of Cleveland Indians centerfielder Grady Sizemore.

Apparently the photos were stolen from his girlfriend’s email account. It could have been worse. Someone could have stolen and posted semi-nude photos of C.C. Sabathia..

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And since we can’t let the Tiger Woods story go yet…. (Neither can he, note to Tiger, didn’t you get the Letterman memo – rule 1, come clean, immediately, rule 2, let them laugh, rule 3, THEN shut up.)

So will Tiger Woods’ new theme song, (with apologies to AC-DC), be “Driveway to Hell?”

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Give poor Tiger some credit, at least he didn’t claim to be heading out for a moonlight walk on the Appalachian trail.

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And no one seems to believe the President when he says we will be out of Afghanistan by 2011. But Obama’s got a foolproof plan. He’s going to put the war in prime-time on NBC. It could be finished by next summer.

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This joke inspired by a conversation with Alex Kaseberg.

Just wondering, how long until someone decides to sell a rare picture of Jesus on EBay, one where if you look closely you can see an image of a pancake or a slice of toast?

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And another bad pun alert, this time from Bill Littlejohn:

“A newly-discovered film from the late 50’s shows Marilyn Monroe smoking marijuana. It was titled ‘Some Like It Pot'”

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Tiger’s worst drive continues…

December 1, 2009

After cancelling three meetings with police, Tiger Woods has announced he will simply not give a statement to law enforcement about his one-car crash. Which is odd, normally it doesn’t take Tiger that long to figure out how to play a bad lie.
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Or,

Continued stonewalling just doesn’t seem to make helping Tiger in the public relations department. You would think the best and perhaps smarter golfer in the world would know when to just take the penalty for an unplayable lie.

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So Tiger Wood’s reputed girlfriend claims she wants privacy and then hires Gloria Allred as her lawyer. Yeah, right. Even Sarah Palin refers to Allred as a “media whore.”

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(anyone who hates puns skip the next one.)

Rough Monday Night Football for Patriots fans. Who knew that the most damaging storm to hit New England this fall would be a cool Brees?

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Drew Brees threw for five touchdowns tonight to five different players. To put that in perspective, the Oakland Raiders have five passing touchdowns to three different players. For the SEASON.

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Serena Williams was fined a record $82,500 for her outburst during last year’s U.S. Open. Apparently it was the worst display of profanity in New York in September not involving the Mets’ bullpen.

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Mayor Bloomberg spent $102 million on his re-election. $102 million, for one win in New York. Curiously enough, that may be the final result for the Nets.

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Derek Jeter was named Sport Illustrated Sportsman of the Year. Apparently for his triumph over adversity in leading the Yankees back to a World Championship after an endless nine year drought and with only a $200 million payroll.

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In Charlie Weis’s final game at Notre Dame, Stanford’s Toby Gerhart rushed for 206 yards against the beleaguered Fighting Irish defense. Which means at least we got to find out the answer to an old question – “What happens when an irresistible force meets 11 movable objects?”

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A German tourist was arrested at Disney World after saying he had a bomb in his backpack. Apparently there was some confusion. What he meant was simply that he had an advance DVD copy of Old Dogs.

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A racing yacht, “The Kingdom of Bahrain,” and its British crew were seized by Iran, after the boat accidentally strayed into Iranian waters. The yacht is worth tens of millions of dollars. You’d think if someone spent that much on a boat they would have sprung for a TomTom.

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