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D-Red-ful Sox?

September 27, 2011

First announced promotions of 2012 for MLB. The Boston Red Sox and Atlanta Braves plan to offer their fans free lessons in the Heimlich maneuver.

Another possible giveaway deal next year at Fenway Park. Free Red Sox neckties to the first 20,000 adults. Pre-shrunk.

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How bad is the Red Sox collapse looking? Even Babe Ruth is watching from somewhere thinking “Dudes, don’t put this mess on me.”

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And for all those people thinking that extra wild cards would make the game more interesting, think about this. If MLB had two wild cards in each league, the Red Sox and Braves could have it on cruise control. (Of course, they have have done that regardless.)

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Rex Grossman’s fumble with 28 seconds left sealed the Redskins loss 18-16 Monday night against the Cowboys. On the other hand, for the first time in months, he did give Washingtonians a serious bipartisan target.

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My friend Lindol pointed out that the Winklevoss twins now have a gig as spokesmen for pistachios. Is this really wise? Does the pistachio industry really want to reinforce their image as expensive and overvalued nuts?

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Ozzie Guillen announced that tonight was his last game managing the White Sox. Not sure how the team took it, but Chicago beat writers who are always in search of good quotes are said to be inconsolable.

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Marlins manager Jack McKeon, 80, says he will retire again after the end of the season. He did say that maybe he will come back in a few years, to go after Connie Mack’s record of managing at the age of 87. McKeon especially hopes he has another chance to manage that “nice young man, Jamie Moyer.”

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Meanwhile, the Marlins are finally playing their last games in Sun Life stadium. Wednesday will be Fan Appreciation day.And the team will apparently have nice prizes for both of them.

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Sesame Street is planning to include science lessons in their upcoming season. Or as Rick Perry would call that “more liberal theories.”

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Tea Party Nation founder Judson Phillips has endorsed Newt Gingrich for President. Guess he figures who better to defend marriage than someone who’s had three of them.

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The power of incumbency. No one knows for sure if President Obama will be re-elected. But stranger things have happened. Today SF Giants manager Bruce Bochy announced the team planned to re-sign their hitting coach.

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Magazine subscription offer from Vanity Fair (no joke) $12 for 12 issues. Plus $3 shipping. Really.

Uh, isn’t the point of a subcription getting magazines mailed to you? Wonder what would happen if you offered to come pick each issue up?

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C.C. Sabathia is 19-8, with an ERA of 3.00. The SF Giants have three starters with lower ERA’s, and none with more than 13 wins. Lincecum, 2.74, 13-14, Vogelsong, 2.81, 13-7, and Cain, 2.88, and 12-11.

So yes, good pitching may beat good hitting. But good pitching is wasted with zero hitting.

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The Senate just reached a bipartisan agreement to end a dispute over disaster relief spending. Translation, sounds like they figured out that despite the best efforts of some to interpret God’s will, natural disasters this year have happened in both red and blue states.

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Flying high.

September 26, 2011

“Pan Am”, set in 1963, is full of beautiful young women serving as flight attendants. For anyone who wants to see those young women almost 50 years later, I think many of them are still working on United’s Hawaii flights.

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Younger people watching “Pan Am” have to be questioning a few anachronisms. Some may wonder “what’s a girdle?” And still younger viewers may be wondering “How come they’re not collecting money for food?”

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Michael Vick is complaining that a Giants’ player hit him when he was down and defenceless. Uh, yeah, that would be bad. I mean, who’d even do that to an animal?

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For those SF fans who will really miss watching 2011’s low scoring Giants games, looks like the 49ers are ready to pick up the slack.

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Another thought while watching the 49ers-Bengals matchup? Would either of these teams be able to crack the AP top 25?

(My friend Alec Schubert says he’s not sure the Bengals could beat the University of Cincinnati Bearcats. He could be right.)

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New England blows a 21-0 lead and loses to the Bills, Boston is now only 1 game up on the Rays after barely splitting a doubleheader to the Yankees. Forget the Tea Party, the next thing dumped into Boston Harbor may be Patriots and Red Sox gear.

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Four interceptions for Tom Brady Sunday. The only way the day could have been more embarrassing is if another ex-girlfriend turned up pregnant.

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Even Fox News is slamming Rick Perry’s performance at the last debate. Who knew? Maybe we anointed George W. Bush with the title “Dumbest governor of Texas ever” a little too soon?

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A survey published today said that prices at U.S. gas pumps have dropped 12 cents over the past two weeks. Let’s see how the airlines translate that into hiking their fuel surcharge.

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Well, it’s early in the NFL season. But when Andrew Luck thought last year about returning to Stanford, and what that might mean for his NFL career, I don’t think that one potential option in his mind would have been understudying Peyton Manning.

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Texas A & M is now officially going to be an SEC member. Bernie Machen, SEC chair and University of Florida president, said: “The addition of Texas A&M University as the SEC’s 13th member gives our league a prestigious academic institution with a strong athletic tradition. What does that mean in SEC-speak – the Aggies can spell “prestigious?

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The inventor of Doritos, Arch West, 97, has died. Across the world, millions will temporarily extinguish their joints in his honor.

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Cal graduates can stop reading before the last item.

Great news that the two Berkeley hikers who were held prisoner by Iran are back in the U.S. But really, wouldn’t Stanford hikers have been smart enough not to hike along the Iran-Iraq border in the first place?

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If it ain’t broke, Facebook will fix it.

September 21, 2011

Facebook came up with more “progress” today, thereby to many users’ minds, messing up a site they had just figured out how to cope with from the last “progress.”

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What’s with these engineers and all this spare time? Can’t they spent their time playing “Angry Birds” or something? (And leave the site along for a few days.)

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One way to get rid of the new Facebook page format (not a joke), is to switch your language preference to U.K English, and then it goes back to the most recent format.

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But U.K. English? Aside from swapping “ER” to “RE” and adding “U”s to colour, labour, etc, what other changes will this bring. Have to wonder if my baseball updates will suddenly become about cricket. And I don’t even want to think about football jokes.

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Many American users are now happy with the U.K English format. Although some of them are experiencing a disconcerting urge not to want to brush their teeth.

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Sometimes there is a nice symmetry in the universe: DADT repealed on the same day as the 2011 premiere of Glee.

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The Red Sox are clinging to a two game wild card lead. Normally this much potential embarrassment in Massachusetts requires one of the state’s politicians to run for President.

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Manny Ramirez now says he hopes to play for a winter league team in his Caribbean homeland. Maybe he’s heard the Dominican Republic has really good pre-natal care.

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Red Sox lose again, 7-5 after an eighth inning comeback by the mighty Baltimore Orioles? Has the entire Boston lineup signed up for an October vacation in Hawaii and not told anybody?

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Executives at the online site Full Tilt Poker have been charged stealing more than $440 million in a Ponzi scheme. $440 million?! If convicted these guys should be so lucky in prison to draw cellmates in prison who are “inside straight.”

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Charlie Sheen is apparently close to settling his lawsuit with Warner TV and is rumored to be receiving $25 million. Not a bad payoff for a guy who called his old boss, amongst other things, a “clown,” “charlatan” and a “turd.”

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It will now cost $12 – up from $8 – to use a bridge or tunnel to enter New York City from New Jersey. Guess the NY Port Authority figures people will pay anything to get out of New Jersey.

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The newly-christened Pac 12 announced tonight that they intend to remain a 12-team conference, thus for now closing off talk of an expansion that would have included Texas and Oklahoma. Wonder what happened? Does the Pac-12 have unreasonable requirements for student-athletes? Like classes? Or a salary cap?

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Dancing With the Stars had their premiere last night. Casual fans who don’t follow the news might be forgiven for asking -“So who’s the transgender contestant – Chaz Bono or Nancy Grace?”

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S.C. Gov. Nikki Haley now admitted that she had no evidence backing her claim that 1/2 of job applicants at a local nuclear reservation flunked a drug test. (The DOE said the number was less than 1 %, and of hires, not applicants.) Haley said “I’ve never felt like I had to back up what people tell me. You assume that you’re given good information.” Wow, sounds like she’s ready to run for president.

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And R.I.P. Dolores Hope, Bob’s widow, who passed away at the age of 102. As Marc Ragovin said “Only slightly older than her husband’s jokes.”

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Start spreading the fabulous news.

September 20, 2011

In honor of the repeal of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” at today at midnight, two quotes from a noted commie-pinko liberal: “Everyone knows that gays have served honorably in the military since at least the time of Julius Caesar.” And “You don’t have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight.” (Yep, Barry Goldwater.)

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Mariano Rivera got his 602th save today – in front of 40,045, the smallest crowd of the year at Yankee Stadium. Wonder if that’s because of President Obama’s proposed tax hikes on millionaires – maybe a lot of New Yorkers figured they couldn’t afford seats anymore.

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Darn shame for San Francisco Giants fans that in their longshot quest for a playoff spot the team isn’t chasing the Red Sox.

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This Netflix price hike is looking like the smartest business decision since “New Coke.”

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An 21 year old man in Lincoln, Nebraska somehow got drunk enough to mistake a police station for a casino. He wandered in and asked for blackjack chips. When a staffer sent him away, the man returned a few minutes later and asked again. (.273, in case you wondered.) So the cops threw him in a detox cell.

Talk about double or nothing. Even Mel Gibson is thinking “How drunk do you have to be to act that stupid?”

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Signs of Autumn: Falling leaves, falling Red Sox, falling Braves……

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‎49ers coach Jim Harbaugh may be regretting his decision not to accept a Dallas penalty that would have erased a field goal but given the team the chance to build up their lead with a potential touchdown. (The Niners would have had first and 10 at the Cowboys 22.) Have to wonder, would Harbaugh’s decision have been different if he were coaching against Pete Carroll?

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The ACC, now home to Pitt and Syracuse, has a reputation of being one of the better conferences academically. And for a starter example, they’re smart enough not to put a number like 10 or 12 or 8 in their title that has to be changed all the time.

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Michele Bachmann is still defending her comments about the danger of the HPV vaccine, saying on CNN tonight “I wasn’t speaking as a doctor. I wasn’t speaking as a scientist…” Amazed she didn’t add: “But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express once.”

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There are rumors that Bachmann’s campaign may not last that much longer. Which is bad news on the jobs front – for comedy writers.

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President Obama said today – “It’s not class warfare, it’s math.” Wonder how long it will take for Rick Perry to respond “Math is a theory.”

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But okay, closing with a commie-pinko thought. I get that many millionaires want to hold onto every penny they can. But it is truly amazing to me that the GOP so has many lower and middle class folks screaming class warfare when THEY are the class currently getting scr*wed.

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College openers – are you ready for some semi-pro football?

September 1, 2011

Although the schools are rivals, Florida State coach is wishing Miami coach Jimbo Fisher “nothing but the best” in dealing with their current scandal. Makes sense, if the Hurricanes get away with it, or find and exploit a loophole to minimize their punishment, the Seminoles can use the case in future as precedent.

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At this point despite overwhelming allegations of illegal benefits given to players, so far the NCAA is only slapping Miami on the wrist. And Pete Carroll is thinking, “Had they only come to this mindset sooner, I could have stayed at USC for a few more years.”

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So now the Big 12 has 9 teams and the Big 10 has 12. And we wonder why college football players aren’t good at math.

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Somehow I think I missed the page in the official MLB rulebook where it states all Yankees-Red Sox games MUST go at least four hours. Even Joe Biden says “these teams go on FOREVER.”

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And regarding those increasingly long Red Sox-Yankees matchups, we need to remember, with commercials and other television requirements, playoff games take even longer.

Should the two teams meet in the ALCS, well suffice it to say the game time might be longer than Britney Spears’ first marriage.

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Stephen Strasburg will return to the Nationals to start on Sept. 6. Washington was considering giving him one more rehab start in the minors, and then figured “We’re playing the Dodgers. Same difference.”

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San Francisco designated Aaron Rowand and Miguel Tejada for assignment. Which means both players will contribute about as much in September for the Giants as they have all year.

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After the SF Giants released two pieces of deadwood (Tejada and Rowand) Wednesday morning, they hit two home runs in that afternoon’s game. Can they release a few more and get more homers?

Inspired by a comment from my friend Neil Berliner: Deja vu all over again. This time it’s an iPhone 5 but once again an Apple employee has lost a prototype device in a bar. Unbelievable. Who’d a thunk two Apple employees knew where to find a bar? (Yeah, I know, there’s an app for that.

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I’m still not getting this. Texas Gov. Rick Perry has talked in the past of seceding from the Union. And Perry still believes in states rights, and says he is only running for President because God wants him to. But considering the God the Governor believes in, why didn’t HE tell Rick to secede and run for President of Texas?

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In honor of the U.S. Open and to use more positive terminology, the SF Giants have asked announcers not to say in future that the team is being shutout. Instead they should refer to the score as, for example 2 – love. (Or in Monday night’s case “7 – love.)

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Condoleeza Rice is the latest to dispute Dick Cheney’s memoir. Rice is denying that she “tearfully admitted” that Cheney was right in saying W. shouldn’t have apologized for claiming that Iraq was searching for uranium for nuclear arms. Well, the claim was pretty unbelievable anyway. Not that Condi cried, but that she would have said anyone else was right about anything.

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Second season?

April 16, 2011

Actually,  many regular fans would say the playoffs, which start tomorrow, are the NBA’s only season.

Although for many teams, including California’s Warriors, Clippers, and Kings, the real second season is the lottery ball pick.

Meanwhile,  back in the land of the living;  Lebron James’s jersey is apparently the number one seller in the world.  No word on how many of those are repeat sales to buyers who found they worked well as kindling.

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The  CDC now says that last fall 21 NBA players on 13 teams apparently had the norovirus. It took the CDC so long to determine this because the outward signs, a general lethargy and lack of energy, are also symptoms of play in the NBA regular season.

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A proposed new NCAA rule will allow teams, when their opponent has a penalty in the last minute of the the half, to choose to accept the penalty AND run 10 seconds off the clock. The only potential snag – getting enough SEC players enrolled in advanced math so they can count to ten.

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And they wonder why Americans can’t count: Big Macy’s ad in the Friday paper. “One Day Sale – Shop Today and Tomorrow.”

And we wonder why mail is sometimes mis-delivered. The Post Office has a “forever” first-class stamp featuring the Statue of Liberty. Except that the Statue of Liberty on the stamp isn’t the one in New York harbor, it’s the replica statue located at the New York New York Casino in Las Vegas. (Not making this up.)

But maybe slot machines for customers waiting in line could be an interesting way to help close the USPS’s budget deficit?

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For NHL fans, the Boston Bruins are playing the Montreal Canadiens  in the first round of the playoffs and the rivalry is getting heated.  “Boston Pizza”, a chain with  locations in Montreal, will unofficially temporarily be renamed “Montreal Pizza.”

Now, the most famous food from Montreal is smoked meat.  But for fans hoping to retaliate, unfortunately nothing is getting smoked in Boston these days except the Red Sox.

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One thing I wouldn’t mind the GOP slashing is hypocrisy. Paul Ryan, whose proposed budget would cut Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security, had his father die when he was 16. Ryan then paid for his college eduation at Miami University (of Ohio) with Social Security survivors benefits.

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Commie pinko time again:

Former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice will appear on an upcoming episode of “30 Rock.”  Anyone who doubts Rice’s ability to do comedy and keep a straight face clearly has not seen her performance in calmly answering questions “The United States does not torture.”.

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Streaking towards the weekend.

April 15, 2011

The Colorado Rockies are 10-2.  But maybe that record should have an asterisk. The last four wins were against the Mets.

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Not to say the Red Sox have gotten off to a rough start. But local media voted that the team’s best performance of the week was the grounds crew covering the field with the tarp before yesterday’s rainout.

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T.C. says “the Red Sox are on a streak. One rain out and one off-day.  They’ll be praying for snow tomorrow.”

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Applebee’s gave a toddler a margarita in a sippy cup. Olive Garden served a two year old a glass of sangria. How come this kind of mixup never happens with crying children on planes? (Kidding, mostly.)

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Taco Bell is apparently testing taco shells made from Doritos Nacho Cheese chips.And presumably exploring endorsement contracts with Tim Lincecum and Willie Nelson.

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Donald Trump will officially announce his candidacy for President on “The Apprentice.” Well, this ought to dissuade all the detractors who say Trump is just running to get free publicity for his television show.

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Joe Biden appeared to fall asleep because he was bored during President Obama’s speech yesterday. Not true exactly, when he nodded off the vice president was actually running through one of his own future speeches in his head.

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Charlie Sheen’s lawyer says there have been discussions about the troubled actor returning to “Two and a Half Men.” I believe the exact discussions with CBS went something like “Yeah, when there’s two and a half snowballs in h*ll.”

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Jennifer Lopez was voted the “Most Beautiful Woman in the World” by People Magazine. But Steven Tyler is miffed because he felt he should have at least made the top ten.

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There have been at least five recent incidents of air traffic controllers falling asleep on the job. So okay, the government is trying to cut costs—what about a sponsorship agreement here with Starbucks and/or Red Bull?

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Just wondering, they want to cut healthcare funding, welfare, education….. Where were all the Tea Party members protesting the waste of government money at the Barry Bonds trial?

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And is this the newest oxymoron?  “reality television star.”

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Commie pinko time:

After protests from students and others, Fox News has removed a story from their site, titled ‘GWU Suicide Tragically Coincides With Obama Speech.’ (A George Washington student was found dead in his room the same afternoon the President spoke at the school.) Well, at least Fox didn’t allege the student was despondent over the question of where Obama was born.

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Slow starts.

April 7, 2011

Not to say that they’re panicking in Boston yet.  But the Globe is considering putting Red Sox box scores in the obituary section.

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According to the San Francisco Chronicle, Ann Coulter is coming to the city this August for a fundraiser for a Young Republicans group. Makes sense, San Francisco has always been hospitable to female impersonators.

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The Tampa Bay Rays are now 0-5. In four of those losses, the team had exactly one run and four hits. In fact, the Rays are having such a hard time scoring they got a sympathy card from the Butler Bulldogs.

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Manny Ramirez says of being booed already by Rays fans “It’s all good. I liked it.” If that’s true Manny is going to have a very happy year in Tampa Bay.

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Congress is considering a law, sponsored by Utah Republican Jason Chaffetz,that would make it tougher for small wineries to sell by mail to out-of-state clients. So GOP proponents who want government out of our lives are now making an exception for our wine cellars as well as our bedrooms.

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For anyone who watched the NCAA men’s basketball tournament and thought. “the quality of play really sucks”, here’s a scary stat. There are 60 players on NBA rosters with college eligibility remaining. (And that doesn’t count D-leagues, teams in Europe, or kids who have already washed out after leaving school early.)

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Marc Ragovin said it was “the ugliest final since Snooki took calculus.”

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For fans of bad basketball, along with anyone who hasn’t gotten over VCU being included in the NCAA tournament, I give you – the Indiana Pacers. 35-43, and close to clinching a playoff spot.

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Not saying Tiger Woods isn’t really ready for the Masters Championship.  But last weekend he was seen practicing with the Butler Bulldogs.

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One of Bristol Palin’s entourage says that $262,500 she made just as a teen-pregnancy education ambassador for the Candies Foundation is “not out of the ordinary for a celebrity.” Fair enough, but just what qualifies Bristol as a celebrity other than her role in a real life version of “Knocked Up?”

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The new Pac 12 (the Pac 10 plus Utah and Colorado), is looking to sign a television contract for $220 million. Can’t imagine how these student-athletes get the idea it’s all about the money.

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If we DO have a government shutdown, let’s sure hope we don’t have any earthquakes while it happens. Just for the record, USGS employees would not only be furloughed, they would be forbidden from working without pay during a shutdown. Or even from talking to the media. But we could never have a major quake here in the U.S., right?

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Stumbling into the weekend…

August 21, 2010

More injury news from Boston: Catcher Jarrod Saltalamacchia went on the DL with an infection in his right leg, the fourth catcher alone on the team to be injured. And second man Dustin Pedroia has soreness in the same foot he broke earlier in the year. If this keeps up, they’ll have to rename the team “The Red Cross Sox.”

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It’s been a tough year for Red Sox fans with so many of their starters are hurt. And a rough year for Mets fans because their starters are healthy.

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New York Jets coach Rex Ryan is still dealing with fallout from his profanity laced tirade on Hard Knocks. Guess no one around the Jets had heard that much swearing since fans watched Brett Favre was around throwing all those interceptions.

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From Bill Littlejohn.

“Jets coach Rex Ryan met with Tony Dungy in a ‘man to man talk’ over Ryan’s use of profanity on ‘Hard Knocks’. Isn’t this kind of the football equivalent of Gandhi meeting with Andrew Dice Clay”

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A 20 year old was inspired to climb up on a railing while waiting for the Tower of Terror ride at Disney’s California Adventure. He fell 25 feet and was taken to the hospital with minor injuries. A police spokesman said “there are some indications that the man had been drinking.” Yes, and there are some indications Brett Favre is a drama queen.

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from Marc Ragovin:

When someone asked Roger Clemens’ lawyer what his client’s strategy would be, his alleged response “First get the case moved to Chicago.”

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Nevada Republican Senate candidate Sharron Angle apparently was once involved in a campaign against a local high school’s use of black football jerseys. During which she said the black uniforms were ungodly and wicked. After last year’s Super Bowl, she’d probably get some votes now from Indianapolis Colts fans.

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A USA Today sportswriter said that the T.O-Ochocinco pairing is either a “dynamic combination” or an implosion waiting to happen. Strikes me that’s not an either/or proposition.

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They’ve got a not-so-little list…

July 30, 2009

So the latest names on the 2003 Steroid list are David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez. Does this mean we will should start referring to the 2004 World Champions as the PED Sox?

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Just a few months ago, Ortiz spoke out about steroid users and said they should be banned. He may have jeopardized his baseball reputation, but with that level of hypocrisy he’s well on his way to Congress.

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Let’s hope one of the other Boston names on the list doesn’t end up being Tim Wakefield. That would mean his real pitch speed might be in the 40s.

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Now that Pittsburgh has once again traded two of their best players, Jack Wilson and Freddie Sanchez, wonder if fans will start referring to them as the Pittsburgh Pirated?

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Brett Favre took his family out to dinner last night after he announced his latest retirement decision. Apparently he’s almost decided on his entree.

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The government’s “Cash for Clunkers” program is apparently getting just a little too popular. Today for instance in Washington, management tried to sell the Nationals.

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Questions for Manny.

July 1, 2009

Manny Ramirez will face many questions from the media when he returns from his female fertility drug suspension on Friday. Which is okay, as Manny has a question for them too – “Does this uniform make me look fat?”

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Okay, it’s their national sport, but even so, in a recent poll only 29 percent of Canadians correctly identified the Montreal Canadians as the last team from Canada to win the Stanley Cup.

But to be fair, Canadian schools really don’t teach much ancient history.

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So let’s see, a rambling weepy confessional, way too much sexual detail, and an over-the-top romantic view of a part-time secret relationship. Are we sure Governor Sanford shouldn’t be tested for female fertility drugs?

Mark Sanford says his affair with “Maria” was not about sex, it was a “forbidden, tragic, love story.” Forget the West Wing, this Governor is thinking for “West Side Story.”

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Regarding that “forbidden, tragic love story”, can we start referring to him as “Governor Zhivago?

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The Red Sox blew a 10-1 lead Tuesday night and lost to the Orioles 11-10. Boston hasn’t seen a sports-related collapse like that since John Kerry was photographed windsurfing.
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Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison. On the bright side for Bernie, by the time he gets out, Brett Favre may have finally decided about retirement.
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And okay, let’s hear it for the winners in the “Which gets decided first – the Minnesota Senate race, or the Vikings’ starting quarterback?” contest?

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