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Week one – weak one?

September 13, 2010

There were a few things that most the country could be happy about after one week of the NFL season – For starters, we won’t have to hear about the Colts’ pursuit of perfection, again.

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Anyone want to start a pool on the over-under for the first week that T.O. will start complaining about Carson Palmer?

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T.O. and Ochocinco posed as Batman and Robin for a photo shoot with the Cincinnati Enquirer. I don’t know, after week one seems like the same old Jokers to me.

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Meanwhile in Oakland they’re hoping that Jason Campbell isn’t just JaMarcus Russell without the bling.

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Wacky prediction, but I’m serious. Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh’s next job — maybe in 2012? Coach of the San Francisco 49ers. Hey, at least he’s proven he can beat a team coached by Pete Carroll.

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Starbucks is taking some heat from conspiracy theorists, because some of their newly redone drive-thru menu boards list Grande (16 oz.) and Venti (20 oz.) sized beverages. But not the smaller Tall (12 oz) drinks, which are still for sale. (Along with the by request only Short (8 oz.).

The company responds that customers requested easier to read boards and that the “Tall” drinks weren’t selling that well. Makes sense, if you need coffee before you get out of the car, smaller probably isn’t going to do it.

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But speaking of conspiracy theories, the Colorado Rockies had an almost perfect September in 2009, and they just completed a perfect homestand. Isn’t it about time Selig sent someone to see what’s up with that humidor?

(Explanation of the above for non-baseball junkies. When Coors Field opened, baseballs flew out of the park like it was a little league diamond because of the high-altitude.) After a number of losing seasons, and discovering no pitchers would sign with the team – altitude also means pitches won’t move like they do at sea-level, the team came up with the idea of putting baseballs in a humidor, like they use for cigars. The “humidified” or “wet” baseballs behaved much more normally and the run totals went down.

Now, the Rockies have been coming up with all kind of late inning wins at home, and of course it could be just another magical run. But it wouldn’t be that hard to toss in some “dry” balls in the home half of the inning.)

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Meanwhile, up in Alaska, it looks like Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski, who said she would support the Tea Party nominee who won the Republican primary, now will run as a independent in November.

What is it up there in our 49th state. Either they don’t know when to quit, or they don’t know when to finish their job?

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Newt Gingrich said of Barack Obama, that the president has a “Kenyan, anti-colonial” worldview. Now, I’m not sure what a “Kenyan” worldview is, but isn’t “anti-colonial” what our founding fathers were up to in 1776?

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Inspired by Gary Morton. The humiliated Virginia Tech football program vowed it won’t happen again, next year they’re scheduling Boise Community College and Dollie Madison.
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(bit of trivia, Boise State was actually founded in 1932 as Boise Junior College. Don’t tell the BCS.)

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A whole of lot of bad sports

July 27, 2010

President Obama will appear on “the View” Thursday. And he thought he had a hard time getting a word in edgewise with Joe Biden….

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On Monday, Despite rumors that BP CEO Tony Hayward was on his way out, a company spokesman said “Tony Hayward remains our chief executive and has the full support of the board and senior management.” Guess the translation was- “We’re still working out the severance package.”

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Two former University of Memphis basketball players were arrested this weekend, after a routine traffic stop showed the driver had a suspended license, and police found both marijuana and a loaded gun in the car. Say what you want about the Memphis program, but they do seem to produce players who are NBA ready.

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Dallas Cowboys rookie Dez Bryant basically refused to take part in the team’s regular hazing ritual of carrying a veteran’s shoulder pads after practice, and said he is “focusing on catching passes, not rookie rituals.”

Well, we don’t know how he’ll do with catching passes, but he’s done a nice job of painting a bullseye on his own back.

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The Cincinnati Bengals are apparently trying to work out a contract with Terrell Owens to have him join Chad Ochocino on the team. One of the potential sticking points…. would T.O. and Ochocino together put the Bengals over the NFL’s ego cap
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The Tigers’ Magglio Ordonez and Carlos Guillen just joined the team’s already packed disabled list. Disappointed Detroit sports fans are thinking, well, it’s almost football season. Er, scratch that, when does the NHL start?

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How expensive have California politics become? Even billionaire Jeff Greene had to move out of state and switch parties to run for the Senate. (Greene ran for Congress as a Republican in 1982, but moved out of state two years ago and is now running as a Democrat in Florida.)
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Continental Airlines is testing “self-boarding” at Houston airport, whereby passengers just swipe a boarding pass at a kiosk and get on the plane without dealing with a human agent. And given the travel manners of the average American, what could possibly go wrong?

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British Airways is going to set up the “first sustainable jet-fuel plant in Europe.” The plant will actually make fuel out of waste, including leftover uneaten and/or inedible food. Well, they won’t have any problem finding plenty of that in England.
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Here we go again. Now in Philadelphia two Drexel University basketball players are facing armed robbery charges. If these student athletes wanted to make money in college so badly, why didn’t they just go to USC?
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Barry Zito, $18 million a year, and at least a mediocre quality start tonight, Aaron Rowand, $12 million a year and an actual (fan-aided) homerun plus a single. Edgar Renteria, $9 million a year….and 0-5 with 3 strikeouts. Well, two out of three ain’t as bad as usual.

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Howard Dean charged Fox News with being racist. Not so, replied a Fox News spokesman, We aren’t racist, we hate all liberals equally.

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Tea Party members are fond of saying “Taxation is theft.” So when do they start refusing all government benefits as gifts of stolen property?

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Draft days…

April 24, 2010

One of those “times have changed” thoughts: Amazing to think that anyone under 40 hears the phrase “chosen early in the draft” and thinks only that it can be a good thing.

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There is at least one similarity, however, between the draft in the Vietnam war and the NFL draft. Anyone with a low draft number, or chosen by the Oakland Raiders is likely to have least entertained thoughts of heading to Canada.

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Congratulations to Toby Gerhart of Stanford, who was just drafted in the second round by the Minnesota Vikings. SI.com thinks he will get 5-8 carries a game. Not counting the number of times he has to carry Brett Favre off the field.

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Carlos Dunlap is a talented defensive end from the University of Florida with alleged attitude problems. He also was arrrested last fall for a DUI before he turned 21, right before the SEC championship.

Dunlap was drafted in the second round by Cincinnati. Guess the Bengals figure he’s already in what they consider NFL form.

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A new law in Arizona requires police to question anyone they suspect of being an illegal immigrant. This means for safety reasons when they play the Diamondbacks this June, the New York Yankees will leave their pitching staff at home.

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Seriously, so ANYONE they suspect might be an illegal immigrant. New slogan “Wear a maple leaf, go to jail.”

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So the NCAA denied a football bowl application for the Cure Bowl in Orlando, which would have benefited the American Cancer Society, and Susan G. Komen for the Cure.

The NCAA did, however, approve the Pinstripe Bowl in Yankee Stadium. It’s heartwarming stories like these that make you wonder how student athletes can possibly leave school early for the money.

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Amazing stat apropos of nothing. After four starts Tim Lincecum of the San Francisco Giants has as many RBI’s – three – as he has allowed runs all year.

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Former Vice President Dick Cheney said in an interview with Dennis Miller that telling Senator Patrick Leahy to go “f—- yourself” was “the best thing I ever did.”

Well, let’s see, the Iraq war, authorizing torture, shooting his friend in the face, backing Halliburton, etc, etc.

Maybe considering Cheney’s other “accomplishments” as V.P., the comment MIGHT have been the best thing he ever did.

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The NCAA and other amateurs…

April 23, 2010

The Oakland As hit into a triple play today. At least this offensive misfortune isn’t likely to happen to the SF Giants. You need two runners on base to hit into a triple play.

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High school star Marquis Teague, ranked as the #2 high school prospect in the class of 2011, verbally committed to the University of Kentucky. And presumably to the NBA draft class of 2012.

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Many Colorado sports fans can’t decide which is more disappointing – the Avalanche’s play in their 5-0 loss against the Sharks tonight, or the Broncos taking Tim Tebow in the first round?

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Despite both Colt McCoy and Jimmy Clausen being available, the Minnesota Vikings passed on the opportunity to take a star quarterback in the first round. What a shame – either one of them could have understudied under Favre and taken over the offense when Brett finally retires in 5-10 years.

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How bad has the SF Giants’ offense been in the past week? Put it this way, there was more scoring when guys who waited in line for hours for their copy of Avatar last night went out afterwards to hit the singles bars.

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A hand-written witness’s account of the 1881 “Gunfight at the OK Corral” was just discovered in an Arizona court’s storage room. Along with some of the contents of the dead men’s pockets. Rumor has it the find included a priceless rookie card for Jamie Moyer.

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Northwestern and Illinois will play a Big Ten football game at Wrigley Field on November 20. Chicago sports fans are thrilled. It will be the first time in recent memory a meaningful game will be played at Wrigley after Labor Day.

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60 passengers aboard the Carnival Ecstasy suffered minor injuries when the ship suddenly listed to the right to avoid a partially submerged buoy. The ship’s crew said they couldn’t remember the ship tilting like that since the last time someone announced “free rum punch on deck on the starboard side.”

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The NCAA men’s basketball tournament officially expanded from 65 to 68 teams. Which means that next March, we can count on several teams who consider themselves the 69th best team in the country to complain they were shafted by the committee.

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The Pittsburgh Pirates lost a game to the Milwaukee Brewers Thursday 20-0. Yes, twenty to zero. Thereby assuring that for at least one day this month the most embarrassing sports story in town was not Ben Roethlisberger.

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from my funny friend Jim Barach:

Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has been suspended by the NFL for six games for violating the league conduct policy.

After being accused of sexual assault by two women, Roethlisberger says he is just glad he didn’t shoot a dog.

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In support of Arizona’s new immigration law, which will allow police officers to interrogate anyone they suspect of being an illegal immigrant, John McCain talked about “the drivers of cars with illegals intentionally causing accidents on the freeway.”

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If causing accidents on the freeway is grounds for arrest and or deportation, can Florida and Arizona also extend that to cover “snowbirds?”

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And so regarding this “anyone they suspect of being illegal” rule – hmm, so what does this mean for residents with British accents…
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We’ll see how the new law is enforced. But if police officers choose to follow it tightly, future interleague games may see the Yankees pitching staff opt out en masse.

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Too gay for the NFL?

January 31, 2010

So for the Super Bowl, CBS has okayed an anti-abortion ad featuring Tim Tebow, and rejected a gay dating ad. Hmm, maybe “Mancrunch” should have had the ad say “Reduce potential abortions, encourage more gay dating!”

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But let’s see, NFL players are athletic-looking guys, often with elaborate hairstyles, who dress in tight spandex uniforms. Then they grab at each other, hug after great plays and dance on a regular basis. Yeah, can’t see why the league thinks they would have any gay viewers.

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Once again, you can’t make this stuff up. In the “they just don’t get it” department”, Nike has an ad inside the front cover of ESPN the magazine, and Sports Illustrated featuring Kobe Bryant and Lebron James in a campaign titled “Prepare for combat.”

And in the ad Kobe says, “I’ll do whatever it takes…. I don’t leave anything in the chamber.”

So what’s next, an ad campaign talking about the NBA’s high caliber players.

Or describing someone’s play as “semi-automatic?”

Maybe this is all some karmic revenge for the league’s getting rid of the name “Washington Bullets.”

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The Stanford men’s basketball team has yet to win a game away from Maples this year. And they had only one such win last season. This team might perform worse on the road than Willy Loman.

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In women’s basketball, the second ranked Stanford women have been trailing at halftime in both their last games, but then have come from behind to win handily. Some wonder what coach Tara VanDeveer has said to the women at halftime. Might be as simple as “You’re playing like men.”
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John Edwards apparently claimed to his then-friend Andrew Young that Rielle Hunter had told him she couldn’t get pregnant. Okay, that’s it, forget the morals. The man is too stupid to be president.

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Monday mourning quarterbacking…

January 19, 2010

Short post today due to computer performing about as well as the Cowboys’ offense last weekend.

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The Vikings absolutely took apart the Cowboys on Sunday. But to be fair, Brett has had years to learn how to beat Texans. He remembers the Alamo.

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And Favre says this is the best team he has ever been associated with, and the most fun he has had. No, he’s not dissing his former teams. He just can’t remember them.

Sarah Palin will be a VIP honored guest at the Daytona 500. And she plans to wave the checkered flag for the real winner after 250 miles.

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Maria Sharapova wore a much criticized dress that made her resemble a peacock in the Australian Open. And she was ousted in the first round. Maybe it’s not a good idea these days to appear dressed as the NBC mascot.

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Phil Kessel had the Maple Leafs’ team-leading, third winning goal against the Nashville Predators Monday night. Of course, many fans are thinking ‘Isn’t that the Leafs’ sum total of game winning goals?

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Okay, what were the odds- the New York Jets have won more games in January than the New Jersey Nets.

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Are you ready for a week without football…?

January 17, 2010

Or in the cases of San Diego, Dallas, Baltimore and Arizona, make that several months….

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San Diego’s all-pro kicker Nate Kaeding missed three crucial field goals in the Chargers’ 17-14 loss to the New York Jets. He may have lost his NFL job but with that many high-profile misses he may be offered the position of programming director at NBC.

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Rough day for Cowboys fans. And where was Jessica Simpson to blame when they needed her?

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Sad irony with the Indianapolis victory over the Ravens for die-hard Baltimore fans. It’s not just losing their team to another city in the middle of the night, it’s that the team that left, the Colts, just knocked out their replacement.

Sort of how “Late Night with Conan OBrien” fans feel.

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Are we sure NBC wasn’t somehow involved?

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The Saints-Vikings game is scheduled for 640p Eastern time next Sunday. How did they come up with 640p? Apparently it’s when Brett Favre says he will be done with his early bird special.

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For next week the over-under for the Saints-Vikings is 52. Many fans who saw the Saints-Cowboys have to be asking – for the first half?

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And the Saints are currently four point favorites. Of course this could change. There’s a whole week ahead, plenty of time for Brett Favre to consider retirement.

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NBC’s Olympic commercials feature a young woman athlete saying of the Games – “It’s the one pure thing that nothing can affect.” Well, except a French judge. Or maybe being shown at 1000p weeknights.

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Or as my very talented friend Neil Berliner adds, “or Tonya Harding with a crowbar.”

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Back to politics. More of a rant than a joke:

With alll the effort the Democrats having to put into trying to keep Ted Kennedy’s seat you think the Massachusetts state party could have spent a little more time and effort in candidate recruitment, or in talking Vicki into just running to finish out Ted’s term???

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A few thoughts halfway through a playoff weekend.

January 16, 2010

Being the punter for the New Orleans Saints today was like being the fact checker on Sarah Palin’s speechwriting staff.

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With the lousy performances by both the Ravens and the Cardinals, this was the worst day for bird fans since US Airways hit all those geese.

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Cincinnati Bengals coach Marvin Lewis was named coach of the year. Unfortunately as Bengals fans found out last week, it’s no longer 2009.

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Bristol Palin said in “In Touch” magazine that she considers herself “a born-again virgin.” What’s next, Tiger Woods and John Edwards retaking their marriage vows?
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The Stanford men’s basketball team lost 77-73 to Washington State, despite outscoring the Cougars 47-31 in the second half. Stanford’s Jeremy Green said afterwards “At halftime, coach really got to us; his speech, he really got into it.”

Perhaps next time Coach Dawkins should give that speech before the first half.

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Tiger Woods has apparently entered a rehab clinic for sex addiction. The clinic’s motto? “Just don’t do it.”

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Apparently many people believe that sex addiction would explain Tiger Woods’ reckless behavior with so many women. Of course, that behavior could also be explained by the fact that he’s a rich successful male athlete used to getting anything he wants.

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God’s will?

January 11, 2010

According to former McCain aide Steve Schmidt, Sarah Palin believed she was chosen as the vice-presidential candidate because it was “God’s plan.” If so, this is compelling evidence that God is a Democrat.

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In the midst of an NCAA investigation into major violations with the Trojan football program, Pete Carroll has resigned from USC. Which probably means that he has signed on as coach as the Seahawks. Either way he probably wasn’t going to end up with a bowl eligible team.

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NBC has announced that they will cancel “The Jay Leno Show” at 1000p. They intend to move it to a half hour program at 1135p. Actually the network announced this decision last week on Leno’s show, but nobody saw it.

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Hard-core Brett Favre fans watching the Packers-Cardinals game will say that the ageless quarterback would never have made that game-ending fumble. Of course not, he would have thrown a game ending interception.

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The first NFL Wild-Card game on Sunday started at 1000a Pacific Time. This meant a lot of fans on the West Coast ended up just sleeping through the first quarter of the Baltimore-New England game. Guess what? The Patriots did too.

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According to the University of Texas trainer, apparently Colt McCoy wanted to return to the BCS championship game but the injury had prevented him from “throwing with with the strength or accuracy he needed.”

This would, however, not have disqualified him from playing quarterback for the Raiders.

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For all those looking ahead to next week’s NFL playoffs (and yes, it’s true, there are no bowl games this week, finally), the Arizona Cardinals, after their 51-45 win against the Packers, will take their high-powered offense and somewhat-challenged defense on the road to New Orleans. And the Saints follow a pretty similar model. This could be the first NFL game ever with a triple digit over-under.

(note to casual or non betting fans- the over-under is a bet where you bet on how many TOTAL points will be scored by both teams a game.)
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On the Leno mess. In all seriousness. As someone who grew up looking forward to those times when I could stay up and watch the Tonight Show, mostly Fridays and school breaks, it seemed pretty obvious even then that it was the kind of show you watched before going to bed. I remember Carson talking in an interview about all the men who would come up to him and, thinking they were original, say, “Hey, Johnny, my wife undresses in front of you every night.”

And even when I watched the show, I didn’t always make it to the end. Nonetheless, it was a great way to end the day. Which leads to the problem. NBC claims the ratings for “the Jay Leno Show” weren’t bad, but the networks complained it was a terrible lead in to the news. In the words of Homer Simpson “D’oh”

Anyone who wanted a late night post news show was going to watch Conan or Letterman, because that’s the kind of show they wanted at that time. My guess is that a lot of people who watched Jay turned the set off afterwards and went to bed, and got whatever news they needed online or early am. It just doesn’t feel right to watch a relaxing and sometimes cheesy variety/talk show, and then turn on the local “Fire, weather and murder” show, aka the news.

Not that the Leno show ever really felt like it had quite jelled, but I think almost any similar show with any host would be a failure at that hour, especially in terms of being a news lead-in. IMHO.

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Groundhog day.

January 10, 2010

This was supposed to be the first day of the playoffs. But didn’t we see both these games- Jets over Bengals, and Cowboys over Eagles, last week?

It was pretty embarrassing in Cincinnati. Ocho cinco was ochenta – seis-ed. (translation, 86’ed)

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Philadelphia often plays “Fly like an Eagles” as a pep song for their team. Tonight it was more like “Fly like an ostrich.”

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If New England beats Baltimore Sunday, the Jets will play the Colts next week. Which for karma fans could bring the delightful prospect of Indianapolis being knocked out of the playoffs by the team they let in wit their wuss act when they were undefeated with a two-touchdown lead.

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An Atlanta to San Francisco flight was diverted to Colorado Springs Friday because of an intoxicated man hiding out in the toilet. No word yet on if he was the pilot.

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A software engineer has announced he has calculated Pi to 2.7 trillion digits. Just how big a number is that? By the end of the decade it might be an approximation of the Yankees payroll.
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So a day after Rudy Giuliani said there were no terrorist attacks under President Bush, Harry Reid is under fire for referring to President Obama as “light skinned” with no “negro dialect.” Proving once again that even though it may not result in getting leglislation passed, stupidity is absolutely bipartisan.

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From Nick Coombs, Giuliani’s statement that there were no terrorist attacks in the U.S. under President George W. Bush may have been the first sentence he uttered in years that didn’t include 9/11.
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Pete Carroll is rumored to be leaving USC for the Seattle Seahawks. I’m sure this has nothing to do with the rumors that the NCAA may soon put the Trojan football program on some pretty serious probation. Nah.

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After NFL week 17.

January 4, 2010

The Vikings beat the Giants. So their fans can look forward to a bye-week. The Redskins had another late minute loss against the Chargers. Now THEIR fans can look forward to 35 bye-weeks.

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After trailing at halftime 3-0, the San Francisco 49ers scored 21 points in the fourth quarter to beat the St. Louis Rams 28-6. Making them the winner of one of the day’s “Stupor Bowls.”

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With so many playoff berths already decided, several teams decided to rest some starters. Others just decided to mail it in. Which gave folks across the country a little taste of what it’s like to be Rams fans.

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So the latest rumor on the Wizards gun incident: Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton started arguing on the team plane about a card game, the argument escalated, and then Crittenton jokes that he would shoot Arenas in his often-injured knee. Then when the team showed up for practice Dec 21, Arenas put three guns on a chair next to Crittenton with a note that read, “Pick one.” Which he meant as a joke. But Crittenton got angry, threw one of the guns across the room and said he had his own gun.

This isn’t an NBA season, it’s a remake of “Dumb and Dumber.”
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A tacky but funny joke from Alex Kaseberg:

An 18- year UCLA study reveals 75% of kids see their parents naked and are not traumatized. Unless either of their parents is named Michael Moore, Kirsty Alley or Al Gore.

Alex also does a bit on “Words that should never appear together,” as in “Interpretive Jazz” or “Discount Sushi.”

And in that spirit – “Rams Highlights.”

Redundant phrase of the day- Raiders Interim Coach

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While the Cincinnati Bengals had clinched a playoff spot, and didn’t have much to play for except pride, they still undercut all expectations by losing 37 to 0 to the New York Jets. Normally when the Bengals have been involved in something this embarrassing, the police are involved.

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American Airlines is being investigated for three botched landing incidents, two when the planes touched wingtips to the ground upon landing, the third where the plane ran off the runway and broke apart in Jamaica.

The airline says they are cooperating, and will update their slogan from “Something special in the air” to add “but something less so on the tarmac.”

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Another American slogan is “Doing what we do best.” Apparently that’s just takeoffs.

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Curiously, American is the featured airline in the movie “Up in the Air.” Who knew the title would also turn out to be the safest place for their planes.
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Jean Carroll passed away last weekend at the age of 99. While the name originally didn’t mean much to me, her obituary appeared in Sunday’s New York Times. She was one of the very first female comics, and had to endure a lot of criticism from those who felt it was inappropriate for women to do stand-up. She was also apparently an inspiration to the great Lily Tomlin, amongst others. The following is what the Times considered her best joke.
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“… The thing that attracted me to my husband was his pride. I’ll never forget the first time I saw him, standing up on a hill, his hair blowing in the breeze — and he was too proud to run and get it.”

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Military intelligence and other oxymorons

December 22, 2009

Since the troops are stretched so thin, a new order from the general in charge of northern Iraq makes getting pregnant or impregnating a fellow soldier an offense punishable by court-martial. Wouldn’t it be simpler to just ban heterosexuals from the military?

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Three USC players were declared academically ineligible for the Emerald Bowl. Isn’t being declared academically ineligible at USC like being a woman and getting turned down for sex by Tiger Woods?

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Snow postponed and nearly NFL games in Philadelphia and Baltimore on Sunday. Unfortunately for Redskins fans their Monday night game went on as scheduled.

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NFL players are being encouraged to donate their brains to science. Washington fans are also encouraging Redskins owner Dan Synder to donate his brain as well. Since it hasn’t been used in years.

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So the AP male athlete of the year is… NASCAR’s Jimmie Johnson? I guess 800 horsepower of machinery isn’t considered performance enhancing?

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A new Department of Transportation rule will limit the time airlines can keep passengers stranded onboard on the tarmac to three hours. Unless Joe Lieberman is on board, in which case the delay shall simply be referred to as a “filibuster.”

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Congrats to country music star Carrie Underwood, who is now engaged to Mike Fisher, who plays hockey for the NHL Ottawa Senators. Her fans are asking “What’s hockey?” His fans are asking “What’s country music?”
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Adam Lambert appeared on Jay Leno’s show Monday night. I guess they figured if he kissed a boy NBC wanted him to do it somewhere where no one would notice.

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The New York Yankees luxury tax this year, over $25 million. The Florida Marlines payroll, $35 million. What more do you need to know about baseball?

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Did you hear the one that wasn’t about Tiger Woods?

December 8, 2009

Many women across America are getting particularly sick of the Tiger Woods story. Partly because they can’t understand why so many other women would basically throw themselves at a celebrity for a tawdry quick relationship. Unless it was George Clooney.

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VH1 will air a show about the wives of NBA players. Sponsored, I would assume, by Tiffanys.

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Florida coach Urban Meyer checked into a Gainesville hospital the morning after his team’s blowout loss to Alabama the night before, suffering from dehydration. Gosh, it would have been nice to have something on the Gator sideline he could have been drinking to avoid that problem…

(inside baseball note, Gatorade was INVENTED at the University of Florida for athletes)

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What’s particularly surprising about Meyer apparently not having drunk any Gatorade. We sure know none of it was wasted by being dumped on him at the end of the game.

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Allen Iverson was in tears when he announced he was signing again with the 76ers. Wonder who will be crying next – his teammates or 76ers fans?

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A man accidentally shot and killed his friend in North Carolina during an argument over the Texas-Nebraska football game. Residents are shocked, normally such fatalities in the state only happen over Duke-UNC basketball.

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The Northwest pilots who got distracted with their laptops and overshot Minneapolis are now blaming the incident on air traffic controllers. Isn’t that like Tiger Woods blaming his accident on the tree?

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Tacky question of the day. By the end of the year which will be a higher number – Tiger Woods’ Masters wins, or known mistresses?

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Baltimore was called for five pass interference penalties against Green Bay on Monday night, a new NFL record. Good thing they didn’t get all those penalties when Brett Favre was still the Packers quarterback. The Ravens could be cited for elder abuse.

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Actually the Packers and Ravens were called for 23 penalties between them, the second highest total ever in an NFL game. The highest, presumably, being in a Raiders intra-squad scrimmage.

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The Packers and Ravens combined for 23 penalties for 310 yards in their Monday Night Football game. There were so many flags, some viewers thought they were watching a preview of the Vancouver opening ceremonies.

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Approaching turkey time…

November 22, 2009

As we approach the holiday season, one tradition around the U.S. is a contest to find the biggest Thanksgiving turkey. So far it seems to be between the Packers-Lions and Raiders-Cowboys.

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In the meantime, today brings us a matchup between the 1-8 Browns and the 1-8 Lions. How bad is it likely to be? Not only is the game blacked out locally, the Navy can’t show it to the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay, for fear of violating the Geneva Convention.

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FIFA has refused to overturn France’s controversial win over Ireland. Does that mean they basically handed France the World Cup berth?

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LSU lost a critical game to Ole Miss when they forgot to call a timeout with less than 30 seconds left in the game. While the Tigers aren’t known for their high academic standards, maybe it would be a good idea to teach the players to count to 26.

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But over in the Ivy League, Yale was leading 10-7 over Harvard with about two and a half minutes left. The Bulldogs had a 4th and 22 at their own 26 yard line. With a punter who had been averaging 51 yards and the Crimson out of timeouts. And Yale tried a fake punt. Which came up short. Harvard drove 40 yards for a game winning touchdown.

Even Bill Belichick said “What were they THINKING?”

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And in the NFL….

Last week the league fined a number of players from between $5,000 to 10,000 for unnecessary roughness. Including some plays that resulted in injuries. After fining Chad Ochicinco $20,000 for a fake $1 bribe to an official. And of course Titans’ Bud Adam’s $250,000 fine for giving the finger to Bills fans.

Can’t imagine how anyone thinks the league doesn’t take the health of their players seriously.

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The big political news Saturday was the Senate actually voting 60-40 to open debate on the healthcare bill. Which is being considered a major accomplishment. Not passing the bill, simply managing to get the votes to DISCUSS it. And they wonder why most Americans don’t have much faith in Congress.

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finally, from Alex Kaseberg, a wonderfully tacky close:

“Sarah Palin’s daughter’s baby-daddy, Levi Johnston, is posing for “Playgirl” but isn’t doing the “Full Monty.” That means he’ll take of his Levis but you won’t see his Johnston.

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Approaching Friday the 13th…

November 13, 2009

It hasn’t been a lucky month for the airlines. A pilot showed up to work drunk on United, pilots got distracted and lost on Northwest…. It’s enough to make people take their chances on Amtrak.

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Thursday night football has generally been a showcase for two good but not great college teams. Which might explain why the NFL started off their Thursday night schedule with the Bears vs. 49ers.

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As part of a “Go Green” program, NBC will have a pro-environmental message on five of its prime-time entertainment programs next week.

Actually, NBC has been the greenest of the major networks for some time now. When watching their shows, more people turn off the television.

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There’s got to be an updated way to start a rhetorical question beyond “If we can put a man on the moon why can’t we…” But until I can think of a new question “If we can put a man on the moon, why can’t a nice hotel find a supplier of alarm clocks that mere mortals can actually use?”

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Health insurance companies are urging their employees to fight healthcare reform. In related news, the New York Yankees are against a Major League Baseball salary cap.

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Three freshman football players from the University of Tennessee were arrested and charged with attempted armed robbery this week. One reason police were able to track them down, the alleged robbers were wearing Tennessee gear.

Yeah, let’s hear it again why we can’t have a college football playoff to help the players focus on academics.

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Boise State is selling stock in their athletic programs. $100 a share. No dividends, but shareholders will get a stock certifcate and be able to vote during board elections..

At this point the cash-strapped University of California is considering a similar program for their football team. But given the Bears’ recent disappointing performance, the offering would be considered junk bonds.

(this above joke may be substituted with Michigan, Notre Dame, or any other team any reader loves to hate.)

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Minor league football and minor league attitudes….

October 30, 2009

Sports Illustrated has an article, Six signs that parity is dead in the NFL.

Do we really need an article?- Six signs – The Saints, Colts and Broncos. And the Titans, Rams and Buccaneers.

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And actually the UFL – the minor league mini-football league – is planning to expand in 2010. Maybe they could take the NFL Rams and Buccaneers, it would improve both leagues.

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Green Bay has renamed the town’s Minnesota Ave. to Aaron Rodgers Drive until after Sunday’s Vikings game. Have to wonder then, is the street currently known as “Brett Favre Pass” (really) been renamed Brett Favre Interception?

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Commissioner Bud Selig – MLB’s “Mr. Integrity” – is at it again, on the subject of Mark McGwire returning to baseball:

“Over the years I developed affection for players who I get to know and have been good, When he comes back, you’ll all have a lot of opportunities to talk to him. The fact that he’s coming back gives you an opportunity you wouldn’t have had.”

Yeah, you know I think I like the one from Pete Rose about not betting on baseball better.

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In California, Gavin Newsom has decided to exit the 2010 gubernatorial race.

His statement: “With a young family and responsibilities at City Hall, I have found it impossible to commit the time required to complete this effort the way it needs to – and should be – done,”

Most San Franciscans were shocked – Gavin realizes he has responsibilties at City Hall?

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About that Louvre Pyramid…

October 4, 2009

McDonald’s is opening a branch at the Louvre. Yes, in Paris.

Guess that pyramid out front is not a food pyramid

Rumor has it that many of the French are fried.

Will McDonald’s Louvre slogan be “McNifique?”

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Some criticize Obama for flying to Copenhagen to lobby for the Olympics, but hey, it’s not like a few hours last week would have changed anything on healthcare. Now, trying to have a relationship discussion with a sports fan partner tonight in Minnesota or Wisconson…THAT would be stupid

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Alex Rodriguez drove in seven runs in the Yankees regular season finale. Putting him on pace for an October total of eight.
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Todd Palin has resigned his job. Most Americans are shocked. They didn’t realize he had one.

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Great news in Cincinnati. The 3-1 Bengals have more wins than arrests.

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Terrell Owens says he is in a “no-win” situation in Buffalo. Wonder how long it is until T.O. realizes he IS a no-win situation.

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The Washington Redskins’ first three opponents in October. The Buccaneers, the Panthers and the Chiefs, currently with ZERO wins between them. A schedule like that might not even get you BCS consideration.

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Even Boise State is saying “Way to schedule those creampuffs.”

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Headline? “New Orleans Saints turn high-flying Jets into Jets Blue.”

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Was trying to come up with a punchline on this one, think my buddy Jim Barach has the “topper.”

A book says that Ted Williams’ frozen head was abused at the cryogenics lab where it was stored. Apparently the technicians went so far as to put a frozen Yankees hat on it.

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A few midweek thoughts…

September 24, 2009

After being suspended for the rest of the season earlier this week, Cubs outfielder Milton Bradley apologized and said “I chose Chicago as a free agent because I wanted to be part of bringing a championship to the Cubs’ fans. ” That’s it, no more free agent signings in Chicago before sanity tests.

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by the way, this week’s posts so far written with a bad cold…. so apologies to any readers who think I have lost it. Of course, some may think I have never found it.
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The Nationals are, as of tonight, sitting on 99 losses, and almost certainly heading for their 100th. A record of futility unmatched in Washington, except maybe by Congress.

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How hopeless are the Nationals? Instead of asking Barack Obama to throw out next year’s first pitch, they are deciding between Dennis Kucinich and Ralph Nader.

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Also in Washington, a group of American Indians is asking the Supreme Court to declare that with their name, the Redskins defame Native Americans. If they are successful, PETA may ask the court to declare that the Bengals and Lions defame felines.

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After an IVF clinic made a mistake, an Ohio woman is giving birth to another couple’s biological child. And somewhere John Edwards is thinking, “Okay, I’m a good enough lawyer to somehow use that excuse….”

Commie pinko time…
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Another question for the tea-party/tea bagger types. Where’s all the outrage about taxpayer money going to fund NFL stadiums, and then the teams involved refusing to lift television blackout rules during the recession?

For that matter, while a lot of the tea-baggers are furious about the thought that lax oversight of any potential new health care reform laws might mean illegal immigrants get access to health insurance – where’s that same outrage about lax oversight of laws meaning those same illegals might get easy access to guns?

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In Sarah Palin’s Hong Kong speech, she told investors “I’m going to call it like I see it and I will share with you candidly a view right from Main Street, Main Street U.S.A.” Once again showing Walt’s genius in having Main Street lead directly to Fantasyland.

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NFL week one etc.

September 14, 2009

Cincinnati lost to the Denver Broncos on an 87 yard last second tipped pass, a play that was aided by defensive mistakes. It was the most embarrassing thing to happen to the Bengals in recent memory. Well, without the police being involved.

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How bad was Quarterback Jay Cutler’s play in the Bears opening day loss to the Packers. By the fourth quarter Chicago fans were calling for the return of Rex Grossman.

Drew Brees threw six touchdown passes on Sunday, which tied the Saints’ single game record. No word on if because it was against the Lions the record will have an asterisk.

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The Green Bay media is praising Aaron Rodgers for a great season-opener, including his last minute drive to lead the Packers over the Bears. But to be fair and give credit where credit is due, they do say the Vikings seem to have a good running game.

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The Lions extended their regular season losing streak to 18 games. There went Detroit’s early hopes of cracking the AP College Football top 25.

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C.C. Sabathia won his 17th for the Yankees, 13-3 over the Orioles. The offensive outburst came without much help from A-Rod, who was on the bench after being ejected in the fourth. Well, that’s one way to get some practice for the playoffs.
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After their upset of Oklahama State, the Houston Cougars are in college football’s top 25 for the first time since 1991. To give you an idea how long ago that was, Brett Favre was just contemplating his first retirement.

Barack Obama condemned Kanye West’s interruption of Taylor Swift’s MTV award acceptance.. But the President intends to give Kanye a chance to redeem himself; in fact he has invited the rapper to attend Joe Biden’s next speech.

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September might be a harsh reality check for Obama, as he realizes the limits of his power in Washington. Oh, he will probably get health care passed. But there is nothing he will be able to do about the Redskins.
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Serena Williams ending up forfeiting match point after a profanity-laced tirade in her U.S. Open semi-final. So much for all those who say the women would never catch up to the men’s game.
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Serena Williams’ over-the-top outburst at the U.S. Open, will cost her at least a $10,000 fine. Had she just yelled “You lie,” she might have offset that fine with contributions from Republicans.

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Win one for the Clipper?

May 22, 2009

Notre Dame’s football team is considering scheduling a game at Yankee Stadium.     So for that game will be team’s motto be “Win one for the Clipper?”

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So why would the Fighting Irish want to play in Yankee Stadium.  It’s home to an over-hyped, over-rated team with fans who have an over-inflated sense of their own self-importance.  Oh. Never mind.

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The NFL has decided to allow teams to sign licensing deals with state lotteries.  The Patriots were the first to sign a deal, with the state of… New England?

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Apparently the state of Michigan is talking to the Detroit Lions.   Such lottery tickets are likely to be very popular.  As Lions fans who buy tickets will have a better chance of winning the lottery than seeing their team win.

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So for the second time, Sean Penn and Robin Wright appear to have put their divorce plans on hold and are attempting a reconciliation.  Even Brett Favre is saying, “Dudes, make up your minds.”

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The San Francisco Giants continue their terrible hitting.  Especially when they have men on base.  In fact,  if this keeps up, A T and T park will have a new area code – 643.

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Former  Governor Rod Blagojevich is forbidden from leaving the country. But his wife  Patti will leave him with the family in Illinois for a while, and  take his place on the reality show in Costa Rica.   I think her reasoning was “Now I’m married to a celebrity, get me out of here.”

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