Left Coast Sports Babe

The Minnesota Vikings are giving Brett Favre over $20 million for two years. Although based on his performance with the Jets they are getting a subsidy under the “Cash for Clunkers” program.

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Commie pinko alert on the next joke:

While in the midst of his latest rant against healthcare reform, Rush Limbaugh made a tacky homosexual joke about Barney Frank. Guess Rush is a little testy about the fact that with reform, it will be harder for him to get his drugs from his maid.

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T.O. will be unable to play in Sunday’s preseason games for the Bills due to a sprained toe. Which means next week he will complain only half as much as usual about Edwards not getting him the ball.

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Hailey Glassman, met Jon Gosselin when she was 19 and her father gave Kate a “tummy tuck.” Now the 22 year old woman calls the Octodad her “first love.” But not, presumably, her last.

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From Bill Littlejohn
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At the University of Florida in Gainesville, 200,000 Brazilian free-tail bats were left homeless when a “bat house” built for them collapses.There haven’t been this many displaced Florida bats since the last Marlins fire sale.

So Michael Vick has ended up with the Eagles. Apparently Philadelphia fans will greet him with boos, derisive comments, and personal attacks. In other words, just like one of the regular team.

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Whatever else they might say about the Eagles this year, at least no one can say they’ve gone to the dogs.

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Yet another example of why, as hard as I might try to write a punchline, sometimes there is no substitute for reality:

At a South Carolina town hall this week, a man angrily told his Congressman to keep your government hands off my Medicare.”

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And the “why do we care” saga goes on. This week police were called to Jon and Kate’s home, apparently over a dispute involving a babysitter.

Next up “Jon and Kate, Litig 8”

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From an anonymous but very funny friend:

So John Edwards apparently fathered a child while running for President:

Former Senator Gary Hart said “he was shocked that anyone would show such disregard for being in the national spotlight”

Governor Mark Sanford said that he “coulldn’t believe that anyone would show such disregard for their family.”

And Bill Clinton said “Does anyone have her phone number??”

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What about all those people who donated to Edwards’ presidential campaign? Maybe it’s some consolation to have been in the pilot program – “Cash for clunker.”

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An Illinois man has been sentenced to six months in jail after a judge found him in contempt of court for yawning loudly during his cousin’s sentencing hearing. If yawning becomes a crime then the government had better increase police presence during Biden’s speeches.

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A Cubs fan was arrested at Wrigley Field after throwing a beer on Phillies outfielder Shane Victorino. Say what you want about New York but this would never happen at Yankee Stadium. Beer is far too expensive.

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JetBlue Airways is offer an $599 “all-you-can-jet” pass. From Sept 8 to Oct. 8, buyers will be able to book an unlimited amount of flights. No word yet on how many of those flights will actually take off.
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Sarah Palin, who claimed Obama’s healthcare plan would institute ‘death squads” has now called for “civil discourse” on the subject. Isn’t this like Mark Sanford defending traditional marriage? Oh, never mind.

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The Philadelphia Phillies have at least temporarily replaced 46 year old Jamie Moyer in the rotation with 37 year old Pedro Martinez. Which is crazy, the Phillies are in a pennant race – shouldn’t they go with experience?

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I admit, I have a soft spot for Jamie Moyer. In the same way that Tom Watson almost shot his age at the British Open, Moyer might be the first major leaguer to have his age equal his pitch speed.

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Regarding Congress’s plan to buy more private jets for their own travel: If they were going to buy them from GM, Ford and Chrysler executives, did they think the purchase would somehow have qualified under the “Cash for Clunkers” program?

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A recent study found that over 40 percent of Tweets are “pointless babble.” Ladies and gentlemen, introducing your new Twitter spokesperson – Paula Abdul.

Thought for the day. With the U.S. unemployment rate around 10 percent, how come so many idiots still have jobs?
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Michael Vick’s agent said there is “no chance” Vick signs with the Redskins. Or as “no chance” means in Brett Favre lexicon – “definitely maybe.”

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But actually, lets take him at his word.

Michael Vick’s agent says there is no chance the disgraced quarterback signs with the Redskins. Yeah, with a record of scandal like his the only way Vick ends up in Washington is if he is elected.

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Brighter news from Washington, the Nationals are playing more respectably recently, and even had an eight game winning streak. Why, if they go 42 and 7 in their last 49 games, they could even finish at .500.

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The new UFL (United Football League) team in San Francisco is owned by Paul Pelosi, the husband of House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. It will be named the San Francisco Redwoods. Wonder where he got that idea? The trees are an ageless attraction in Northern California and even when at their oldest become beautiful petrified wood.
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On the other hand, the Las Vegas UFL team will be known as the “Las Vegas Locomotives.” Locomotives? No one has thought about trains in Las Vegas since Starlight Express.

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“In the new film ‘Julie and Julia’, Julie Child, who was 6′ 2″, is played by Meryl Streep, who is 5’6″. Who did the cinematography? Tom Cruise’s wedding photographer?

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From Bill Littlejohn , who gets an assist on the premise for the above joke:

Archaeologists believed that they have found the birthplace of Vespasian, the Roman Emperor who built the Colosseum.They’ve narrowed it down to two hospitals in Honolulu”

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Finally, I didn’t write this, and I don’t know who did. It was told to me by a friend from Nashville. If you are easily offended stop reading now.

Farrah Fawcett died last month and immediately went to heaven. God said to her, “Farrah, you have have done amazing work on earth, what can I do for you now in heaven?” And Farrah said, “God, please save the children.”

And God said, “Poof. Here’s Michael Jackson.”

A Republican Senator, Chuck Grassley, said that President Obama doesn’t know how Congress works. How ridiculous. Senator Grassley thinks Congress actually works?

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Eli Manning has just signed a six-year $97 million contract with the New York Giants. Amazing. He will earn almost half what his brother does on commercials.

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And although overall travel is down, an increasingly lucrative business for U.S. airlines is collecting ticket change fees when customers change their minds. Over $2 billion a year. Which is means a potential great airline endorsement contract for Brett Favre.

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San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom has been revisiting the his 2006 affair with his friend and campaign manager’s wife? Specifically he has said in two magazine profiles: “There’s a story that’s never been told…Things were much more benign than they actually appeared in print.”

Is this man reading from the same damage control playbook as Mark Sanford??

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Speaking of playbooks, several NFL teams have banned fans and reporters from Tweeting during training-camp practices, including the Detroit Lions. Yeah, I could see how the Lions would hate for anyone to steal any of their secrets for success.

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Inspired by the very funny Jerry Perisho, who noted that a survey finds that men spend on average 43 minutes a day ogling the opposite sex, while women spend 20 minutes.

And that women’s number would be a lot lower if they didn’t count all the time Sarah Palin spends watching Russians from her house.

Both of these items from this post are true. From an unnamed midwestern state. Names changed in the second to protect…well, maybe this girl from her parents.

Item one. A package of peanuts in the shell from “Sweet Nut-things” Gift Shoppe. Ingredients list: Peanuts, salt.

But in a box on the label “Allergy information: This product was handled/manufactured in a facility that processes peanuts and other tree nuts.”

No kidding.

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The second is a bit sad. Let’s call the girl Susie Q. This is a 1/12 page ad in a metropolitan newspaper. NOTHING below has been exaggerated, only a few lines, mostly of identifying details, have been left out.

The headline “Local Young Lady Competes for the Miss Jr. Pre-Teen Midwest City.”

The ad.

“Hi, my name is Susie Q. I am eight years old. I will be in 4th grade, I enjoy learning and playing with exotic birds with My Grandma. I am very creative and opinionated with ideas. I have participated as a cheerleader and took 2nd place at nationals. My role model is Gabriella Montez AKA Vanessa Hudgens of High School Musical. I would like to thank you in advance for your time and support.

I was recently selected to participate in Nationals’ 2009 Miss Jr. Pre-Teen Midwest City pageant.”

Then the ad abruptly switches to third person.

“Susie Q learned of her acceptance as Nationals Inc announced their selections on Monday. Susie Q will be competing for her share of thousands of dollars in prizes and specialty gifts. Susie will be competing in the Miss Jr. Pre-Teen division, which will have young ladies competing in modeling routings which include casual wear and formal wear. Most important, Susie will display her personality and interviewing skills.

If Susie were to win the title, she would represent the city and surrounding communities at the Cities of America National Competition in Orlando, Florida. Over $60,000 in prizes and awards will be presented while each winner enjoys this expense paid trip of five nights and six days.

There is no cost to Susie Q for participating. Community business, organizations, and private individuals will assist Susie in participatng by becoming an official sponsor to her. Through sponsorship, each contestant receives all the necessary training, rehearsals, and financial support which will allow Susie to become a very confident and well-prepared contestant in this years city pageant.

Any business, organization, or private individual who may be interested in becoming a sponser may contact Susie Q’s pageant coordinator at 1-800-xxx-xxxx.

Thank you again for your suppprt. Susie Q.”

There is also a picture of a girl with her hair piled on her head in an up-do, holding a rose.

I actually grew up a big Miss America fan, and more power to women if they can use them for scholarships etc. Susie Q is EIGHT YEARS OLD.