Archive for July 2012
July 31, 2012
The University of Central Florida men’s football and basketball teams have been banned from postseason play for a year because of recruiting violations. Proving once again, that the NCAA is really serious about their rules, as long as you are a mid-level or below D1 program.
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It’s all about perspective. U.S. papers are either decrying the men’s gymnastic results, or ignoring them. Meanwhile, British papers are thrilled with their bronze medal, even though maybe it should have been a silver.
Meanwhile, good luck finding an average citizen in either country who can name a member of either team.
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Mitt Romney aide to the media covering his foreign policy tour in Warsaw. “Kiss my ass. This is a Holy site for the Polish people. Show some respect.” Is this a campaign or an episode of the Sopranos?
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As much as half of India may now be without power. Clearly we need to blame Obama.
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Got to love it, now NBC is spoiling their OWN coverage. (Moments before airing Missy Franklin’s tape-delayed Olympic victory in the 100-meter backstroke, NBC ran a promo for Tuesday’s edition of “Today” that said this: ”When you’re 17 years old and win your first gold medal, there’s nobody you’d rather share it with.”)
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At Penn State, trees have been planted at the site formerly occupied by the Joe Paterno statue. Presumably they were all planted turning away from the gym and the showers.
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With the internet, Twitter, FB, etc. NBC’s tape delayed Olympic coverage is less “plausibly live” than Larry King.
Missy Franklin, who will be a high school senior this year, won a swimming gold medal for the U.S. in the 100 meter backstroke. The only unhappy people in America? Other high school seniors competing against her for college admissions.
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Congrats to Missy Franklin AND Dana Vollmer for their success in the water this week. May their fame and commercial success last as least half as long as that of a “reality star” from Jersey Shore.
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Logan Morrison of the Miami Marlins tweeted a sarcastic anti-breastfeeding comment about Nordstrom’s “nothing makes me want to spend $$ like women breastfeeding in your store.” Uh, Logan, nothing makes women want to attend baseball games like the prospect of cheering for a neanderthal.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: baseball jokes, Olympics jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
July 28, 2012
The Olympic games are open. Meaning for the next few weeks, Americans will care passionately about sports they normally pay no attention to, and will ignore again in August. But, hey, it’s all about potential gold. (It’s like we’re a temporary nation of trophy wives.) – USA! USA! USA!
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Bloody shame that baseball has been dropped from this year’s Olympics: Otherwise Chicago Cubs would have had a great chance to win as the world’s best amateur team.
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Am overseas, but in the San Francisco Chronicle online the men’s 400 meter individual medley results were hidden all day under “spoiler alert.” Okay, the event is over in London, but it happened in the afternoon in San Francisco, and the only reason it’s a “spoiler” is that NBC has their head so far up their “peacock” that they are waiting to show it until primetime.-
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Mitt Romney’s next foreign policy stop is Israel, where his fundraisers will be closed to the press. What, so the media doesn’t catch him talking about looking forward to a good kosher bacon cheeseburger?
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Mitt Romney has been attacking President Obama for supposed security leaks. So he goes to England and blabs about a secret meeting with M16?
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Spoiler alert? Michael Phelps finished out of the medals (4th) in his first Olympic event. What if he and Tim Lincecum had the same performance enhancing drug?
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East Coast bias? What East Coast bias? ESPN said Marco Scutaro would look forward to joining fellow Venezuelans Pablo Sandoval and Henry Blanco on the SF Giants. Except that HENRY Blanco is on the D’backs. Gregor Blanco is on the Giants. (How quickly they forget that perfect game saving catch.)
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Josh Hamilton is in the middle of a July slump that has him getting booed at home in Texas. Note to Rangers’ management, if you’re that unhappy with Hamilton, the SF Giants will take him.
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And yes, we like our golds in the U.S. But a week ago, or a week from now, how many people knew/know what a 400 meter individual medley is?
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Donald Perry, 60, the longtime spokesman for fast-food chain Chick-fil-A died Friday. He was 60. The cause of death was not released. Of course a lifetime of fried chicken sandwiches could do that.
(Of course, a twisted mind could say that maybe God didn’t like the anti-gay comments, but I wouldn’t say that.)
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From Gary Bachman: Skydiver Felix Baumgartner yesteday completed a record-breaking 17-mile dive. No one has fallen this far this fast since Joe Paterno.
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Olympic jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 27, 2012
Heading off on a seven day cruise vacation – so posts may be less frequent/shorter. In meantime, it looks like the Olympics will be entertainment enough. Especially the Mitt and Boris (London Mayor) show.
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On the first leg of his international trip, Mitt Romney has managed to insult England. What’s he going to do for an encore in Poland, tell a Polish joke?
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2179309/Mayor-Boris-Johnson-attacking-Mitt-Romney-Olympic-torch-arrives-London.html
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Cat fight: (male politician version) Mitt Romney criticized London’s preparedness for the Olympic games. British PM David Cameron responded “”We are holding an Olympic Games in one of the busiest, most active, bustling cities anywhere in the world. Of course it’s easier if you hold an Olympic Games in the middle of nowhere.”
Mitt Romney has indicated he views this foreign trip to England, Israel, Poland as a leadership audition. So far so good, for President Obama.
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Fred Willard, 72, arrested for lewd conduct in an adult movie theater, said on the Jimmy Fallon show that he did nothing to warrant arrest. He might have added “And for some reason my grandchildren say they are getting me a computer for my birthday.
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Got to love this quote: “I don’t have a problem making it harder. I want people in Florida to want to vote as bad as that person in Africa who walks 200 miles across the desert. This should not be easy.” (Buying guns, on the other hand, should be easy.)
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2012/jul/26/florida-assault-voting-rights
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Mitt Romney is now doing a 180 on his negative comments about the Olympics. On the bright side if he keeps this up Mitt may have one of those multiple somersault platform dives named after him.
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Kristen Stewart has issued a press release admitting to cheating on Robert Pattinson. And it wasn’t even with Taylor Lautner. (This post probably won’t make sense to anyone over 25.)
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, London jokes, London Olympics jokes, Romney insults England jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 26, 2012
Ah, we really know the Olympics are almost here. Nine athletes, including Olympic bronze medalist runner Nataliya Tobias, have tested positive for “sophisticated doping” offenses.
(of course, have to wonder, if they are REALLY sophisticated, how many haven’t been caught?)
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-President Obama’s re-election campaign is taking the high road with Rafalca, Ann Romney’s dressage medal candidate. A spokeswoman said “We are rooting for the Romney horse in London.” (And no doubt, the last-night comedy feast if Rafalca wins a gold.)
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It’s on, it’s off, it’s on, it’s off. Now Dwight Howard says he still wants a trade. This guy’s had so many positions on the subject he might be angling for a place in a possible Romney administration.
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London organizers accidentally played the South Korean national anthem for the North Korean women’s soccer team. It’s times like this I really miss Sarah Palin.
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LSU has offered a talented kid named Dylan Moses a football scholarship. Moses said: ” It means that all my hard work is paying off. All the two-a-days and practices from when I was six on up, it’s paying off right now.” Dylan won’t be starting for the Tigers soon though, he’s 14 years old and going into 8th grade.
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Mitt Romney on the Colorado shooter, telling NBC why stricter gun laws wouldn’t help: “This person shouldn’t have had any kind of weapons and bombs and other devices and it was illegal for him to have many of those things already. But he had them.” Uh, maybe Mitt should learn what the laws are before he changes his positions on them.
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You cannot make this “stuff” up. Penn State penalties are supposed to show that no college football program is above the “law.” And one of the first “casualties” for the Nittany Lions is potentially Silas Reed, the team’s leading rusher, who might be going to USC – in the Trojans’ first year after sanctions made THEM bowl ineligible….
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Mitt Romney’s campaign is trying to backtrack from comments an advisor made that Mitt would do better with Britain because he is “part of an Anglo-Saxon heritage.” Uh, besides the racial slant, how about the fact that a number of Romney supporters probably hear “Anglo-Saxon” and think “darn foreigners.”
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The Mets are 1-11 since the All-Star Break. In New York they are re-dubbing it the “All-Star retirement party.”
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Thought for the night. Another piece of evidence indicating that women are less likely to be homicidal spree killers- the fact that so many men are still alive.
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Chad Johnson, the football player previously known as “Ochocino,” says his problem with the Patriots was “My personality was controlled last year.” Adding “You didn’t hear me at all last year. Zero. Zilch. When my mouth is running, it forces me to perform.” “Thank you, Jesus.” said every sports comedy writer in the U.S.
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Twitter is down. Raising a question for our time “If Twitter goes down in a forest and no one can tweet about it, does it make a sound?”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, London Olympics jokes, NFL jokes, Olympic jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
July 25, 2012
Going from the Mariners to the Yankees was apparently Ichiro’s idea. Guess at this point the man wants a ring so bad he’d almost be willing to marry Kobe Bryant.
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Tripp Palin, 3, called his aunt an anti-gay slur on his mom Bristol’s reality show. And just think, we could have put this family a heartbeat away from the White House. Stay classy, Palins.
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A Southern California man was unhappy when a “Batman, The Dark Knight Rises” showing didn’t start on time, so he stood up and yelled “I should go off like in Colorado. Does anybody have a gun?” Whatever charges they bring against him should certainly include felony stupidity.
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In London during the Olympic games, bettors can places wagers on everything from it raining every day, to from UFO sightings, to London’s Mayor catching his hair on fire with the torch. But the real longshot bet – that NBC will show any meaningful event live to Americans in prime time.
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William Staub, who changed exercise forever by inventing the treadmill, died at the age of 96. Apparently he had been seen on one of his machines just a couple months ago. Many Americans really wish he had attributed his long life to never using the things.
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Mitt Romney said Sunday that Australia’s foreign minister, Bob Carr, had told him privately that the United States was “in decline.” And Romney criticizes Obama for paying too much attention to other countries?
A “Good Morning America/ABC News” story on the Penn State scandal and sanctions stated “Perhaps paying the highest price and feeling most victimized are former players.” Uh, I think I can think of some boys and men who might feel more victimized than that.
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Sherman Hemsley passed away far too early at 74. As George Jefferson, a character who could be as much of a bigoted jerk as Archie Bunker, he struck a twisted but real blow for racial equality. Here’s hoping Sherman is already “movin’ on up.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Yankees jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 23, 2012
The manager of a Colorado gun range turned the Aurora shooter down for membership because he seemed too weird and “creepy.” Maybe someone should hire that guy for the next task force deciding how to authorize gun purchases.
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And as far as deadly weapons, some compare guns to cars. And yes, cars can kill people. But to drive one in the U.S. you need an exam and a license.
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Trying to be fair, when pro-gun types imagine armed citizens at the Batman premiere in Aurora, they think ex-military or very highly trained civilians. Whereas those of us who don’t like guns think more like Plaxico Burress or George Zimmerman.
From Paul Seaburn: Mitt Romney is leaving the U.S. this week to visit England, Israel, Poland and his money.
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The Oakland A’s 2012 payroll – $55 million. Alex Rodriguez and Mark Teixeira’s 2012 salaries put together? Over $53 million. For New York Yankees fans this weekend, money not only couldn’t buy happiness, it couldn’t even buy a win.
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Just a bit unclear on the concept? Former Notre Dame coach Lou Holtz on the Penn State sanctions: “You’re talking about ruining the lives of people.”
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NCAA President Mark Emmert in announcing Penn State sanctions: “Football will never again be placed ahead of educating, nurturing and protecting young people.” Wow. And he said it with a straight face.
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Another sad story. Sally Ride, 61, the first female astronaut, died today of pancreatic cancer. I had a “Major Matt Mason” astronaut action figure as a kid in the late 1960s….we couldn’t imagine you could have a female version.
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Ah perspective. With the vacated Penn State wins, now the winningest coach in D1 college football history is Bobby Bowden. Who has been often criticized over the years for running a program where bad things like illegally free shoes were involved.
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From T.C., Will Pittsburgh join Chicago with the slogan “Da Bears?”
Scary thought: As different as the two candidates in the Presidential election are, and as much media coverage as there as been of both President Obama and Mitt Romney, our country’s future may lie in the hands of people who haven’t come close to making up their mind
Categories: political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Penn State jokes, Yankees jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
July 22, 2012
Can we make “Blowing in the Wind” the new Penn State fight song?
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The Joe Paterno statue has been taken down at Penn State. One angry supporter said “I think it was an act of cowardice on the part of the university.” Uh, following upon a whole lot of SLIGHTLY more cowardly acts.
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Regarding that Penn State statue of Joe Paterno. If/when they bring it back can they install it upside down with JoePa’s head buried in the sand?
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Reports are Penn State will not get the NCAA’s “death penalty.” Will they rename SMU “Chopped Liver” university?
(my friend Steve Moyer suggests ” Perhaps the punishment should be that all the university leaders get fondled and molested by Jerry Sandusky.”)
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Yet another sadly ironic “Be careful what you wish for”: Batman director Nolan in EW worried about being lost amid the glut this summer – “I don’t want to be just another superhero movie.”
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And another serious thought: Some pro-gun types are already saying that more people with guns inside the Aurora movie theater could have prevented many of the killings. Uh, while I hate guns, I have gun owning friends, and believe responsible gun owners can defend themselves. But in the dark, with a smoke bomb, and a lot of people in costume…. ? In this case – more guns would equal a lot more dead.
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And okay, so the guy got the guns legally. If we can’t change gun control laws can we at least change whatever laws allowed him to get 6,000 rounds of ammunition? And/or maybe also figure out some way that when he buys the FOURTH gun within a few months that it doesn’t set off some alarms, somewhere? (Heck, Safeway can figure out if someone in your household used a promo coupon already in a week, the airlines can figure out when you’re trying to get sign-up bonus miles under the same name with credit cards…shouldn’t be that hard.)
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What you’re most likely to hear in New York sports bars these days — “Let’s go Yankees!” and “When does the NFL season start?”
Time to change the slogan to “Let’s Blow, Mets?”
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Even Cubs fans are feeling sorry for Adam Scott.
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And the lighter side story of the day is a young female bear who wandered into a Pittsburgh, PA mall, and was found wandering around a Sears. (It’s a light story because no one was harmed, including the bear.)
The possibilities are endless, but for starters:
Sears’ new slogan? “The place to shop for the bear necessities?”
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Are the “Snakes on a plane” folks paying attention? “Bears in a mall” should be equally appealing?
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“Bears in a mall” has particular comic possibilities… especially if one chomps on a Kardashian.
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More suggestions encouraged.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Joe Paterno jokes, Joe Paterno statue jokes, Penn State jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
July 21, 2012
21 people in San Jose were treated for burns on their feet after a Tony Ribbons “Unleash the Power Within” seminar, which concluded with participants “firewalking” in bare feet over hot coals.
Uh, wouldn’t a better title be “Unleash the Idiot Within?”
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What’s more bizarre? That in late July 2012 Tim Lincecum won to boost his record to 4-10. Or that many skeptics dismissed the win by saying “Oh, it’s only against the Phillies?”
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Our long national nightmare is over. Starting Monday, “The Daily Show” and “The Colbert Report” are back on Direct TV.
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When asked about the new NBA idea to put ads on uniforms, MLB commissioner Bud Selig said “You learn never to say never, but you know, with us, uniforms are really important.” Translation, “The Yankees don’t want ads.”
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Tennessee Titans WR Kenny Britt was arrested this morning for DUI in Kentucky. Okay, so we can’t solve all the problems of the world, but maybe the NFL could start mandating contracts that include players using cars and drivers?
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A large black dog crossing the road in front of Tour de France riders has caused a crash in Friday’s stage of the race. And somewhere a French cat is sitting in the sun smirking and thinking “chien fou.”
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An Oregon woman is selling her house after a divorce with a “For Sale” sign saying “Husband left us for a 22 year old. No adulterers please.” Maybe if she’s lucky she’ll sell it to a gay couple who’ve been together 40 years.
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The U.S. Defense Department is making a special allowance for the San Diego Gay Pride parade, allowing service members for the first time to march in such an event in uniform.
One word: “Fabulous.”
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From Gary Bachman: “Olympic officials will reportedly provide more than 150,000 condoms to athletes at no cost during the London 2012 Olympic Games. The USA Men’s Basketball team asked, ‘What are condoms?’
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Aubrey Huff is going to return to San Francisco for another MRI. Apparently he had a knee setback. “Darn” said absolutely no Giants fans.
Categories: baseball jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Daily show jokes, Janice Hough, NBA jokes, NFL jokes, Tour de France jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
July 21, 2012
Some of my comedy writing friends are taking a brief hiatus due to the awful massacre in Aurora, Colorado. But I believe that laughing beats crying. And anyone who knows me knows that I want lots of jokes, including gallows humor, at my funeral-wake in what I hope is the distant future. So the jokes go on.
But a few thoughts first.
One, we often joke that crooks are stupid. Today reminds us that not only is this often true, but also it really is a very good thing for humanity. Dumb criminals are much easier to foil. This fiend in Aurora is clearly very smart. Crazy, but smart.
If we can’t agree on more gun control can we at least agree that we need more mental health funding?
Categories: Uncategorized
Comments: 2 Comments
July 20, 2012
So who’s the least plausible human here?
A scary thought, they’ve all written books.
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According to the Freeh report, Penn State Board of Trustees Chairman Steve Garban was briefed at least twice about the Sandusky case but didn’t inform other board members. Today Garban resigned, saying the past months have been “some of the most painful of my life.” “I feel so sorry for him” – said absolutely no one.
NBA commissioner David Stern now says the league is looking to add revenue by permitting “small ” advertising patches on uniforms starting in the 2013-14 season. Translation, by 2020, Nascar move over.
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Freudian? The Polynesian Cultural Center on Oahu is run by the Mormon church. On my smartphone emails from them show up abbreviated as “Polynesian Cult.”
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Some conservatives love to say how almost 50 percent of Americans pay no federal income tax.
And at least in 2009 that number might have included a certain Presidential candidate….
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Ann Romney on ABC News: “we’ve given all you people need to know” about the family’s finances. Guess this is her version of “Only the little people release tax returns.”
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Former “24” star Kiefer Sutherland is now appearing in a new ad for Axe body spray. Will he now say, for example, that the spray will keep you “cool and confident” between 900p and 1000pm?
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-Rumor has it that aspiring actress Yolanda Pecoraro, a Scientologist, may be the next Tom Cruise. Wonder if they’re just waiting for a couch and a contract.
From my friend Michael Hayne “Maybe Romney’s tax returns are on the roof of his car.” Personally I’m thinking maybe they were on the roof, but the dog ate them.
Actor Fred Willard, known for “Best in Show” and “Anchorman” has been arrested on suspicion of committing a lewd act at a Hollywood adult theater. (He was alone at the time.) Uh, why else would one go to an adult theater?
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So Fred Willard was caught doing what I always presumed men went to adult theaters to do. Isn’t it nice to know the L.A.P.D. has crime so well in hand that they have time to take care of these things?
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Forget the economy, weather and wars, here’s a real sign of the apocalypse: Of the five highest paid TV actresses, two are Kardashians – Kim ($18 million) and Khloe ($11 million.)
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SF Giants today 1 for 8 with RISP (Runners in scoring position, ie, at second base or beyond.) Which has been a problem for most of the season. But okay, at 1 for 8, should we really say “in scoring position?” More like in “standing” or “stranding” position.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Fred Willard jokes, Gringrich jokes, Romney jokes, Snooki jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
July 19, 2012
No, not a joke, Rush Limbaugh is claiming “Batman, the Dark Knight Rises” is part of a liberal media conspiracy against Romney because the villain is named “Bane.” (“Bane” was created in 1993… guess that Obama really thinks ahead.)
Some Penn State students have started a vigil to protect the Joe Paterno statue from vandals. Shame no one on campus was as motivated to protect little boys.
Some critics have questioned new Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer’s ability to run the company while pregnant and planning a (short) maternity leave. Uh, could she do any worse than the last 4 CEO’s?
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Sportsmanship award of the year? When Kobe Bryant was asked what would happen if the USA didn’t bring home the gold medal, he said that U.S. players’ citizenship should be revoked….
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I posted last week that when Romney organized the Olympics the U.S. team was attired in clothing from Roots. A very good Canadian company. Turns out the torchbearer’s uniforms, however, weren’t from Canada. They were manufactured in Burma..
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Love this statement from the Olympic organizing committee back in 2000, about a torch relay uniform controversy. (Ah that darned liberal geography…) “The torch relay clothes were NOT made in Burma. They were manufactured in Myanmar. ”
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Barry Zito is 119-7 lifetime when he has at least four runs of support. So if Zito had signed with the Yankees would he be a future Hall of Famer?
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Who says there’s no bi-partisan agreement in this country? Some Republicans are saying that Sarah Palin should have a major speaking role at the GOP convention this year. And most Democrats agree with them.
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Ann Romney says her husband hasn’t decided yet on a running mate. Actually it’s more likely that he’s decided, then decided again, and is still thinking of changing his mind.
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When asked about his company’s support for anti-gay Christian organizations, Chick-fil-A Pres. Dan Cathy responded “Well, guilty as charged. We are very much supportive of the family — the biblical definition of the family unit.
Wonder if that includes polygamy, marrying your sister in law, slaves, etc…
Supreme Court judge Antonin Scalia said tonight about “Bush v. Gore,” (the 2000 presidential election), “That comes up all the time, and my usual response is ‘get over it.'” So will he say the same thing about the Romney-Obamacare decision?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Bain jokes, Bane jokes, Janice Hough, Paterno jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 18, 2012
Kris Humphries signed a two-year deal to stay with the Brooklyn Nets. Leave it to the Kardashians to make the NBA look like a bastion of committed relationships.
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Russell R. Wasendorf Sr. is being investigated for allegedly stealing more than $200 million from customer accounts at Iowa’s Peregrine Financial Group. Wasendorf blames the fraud on “mean spirited” regulators trying to put him out of business. And Bernie Madoff said, “Why didn’t I think of that?”
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The FDA has approved a new diet drug pill for the first time in over a decade. Wonder if the instructions include “Hold steadily and firmly between the lips?”
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Apparently the New York Knicks will let Jeremy Lin go. If Jeremy really loves Manhattan as much as he says, sounds like the real Lin-sanity might have been that offer sheet he signed with Houston.
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Now the rumor again is the Dwight Howard may be heading to the Los Angeles Lakers. This trade process has lasted longer than most NBA players’ college careers.
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So Jeremy’s signed with the Houston Rockets. In New York terms – “I’m mov-Lin out?
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Latest GOP anti-Obama ad is about ‘crony-capitalism’ alleging the President gave preferential treatment to companies run or invested in by donors. Uh, where was this outrage with say, Enron or Halliburton?
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But really? Crony capitalism?” Isn’t it supposed to be “crony socialism?”-
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Senator John McCain said Mitt Romney’s tax returns had nothing to do with his decision on choosing a running mate, saying he chose Sarah Palin because she was a “better candidate.” Guess he could be right.
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Delta Airlines still trying to explain the needles in their sandwiches. Ryan Air would have charged extra for the sewing kit.
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Needles on a plane? Or at least in your sandwiches. Moral of story, beware of airline snacks that promise sharp cheese.
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From Bill Littlejohn: “An artist made an amazing sand sculpture of Fenway Park–it included Bobby Valentine burying his head in it”
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Disgraced former congressman Anthony Weiner apparently is thinking of running for mayor of New York. He allegedly already has donations, from the first SuperPAC founded and run by comedy writers.
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This week is SEC media days. Where at Arkansas they have to deal with the sudden departure of football coach Bobby Petrino following a midnight motorcycle crash with his mistress. The Razorbacks motto this year? “At least we aren’t Penn State.”
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Well, we now know the 2012 Tour de France is really in full swing. A rider (Frank Schleck of Luxembourg) has failed a doping test.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Delta needle jokes, NBA jokes, needles on planes jokes, Penn State jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
July 17, 2012
Another day, another sports DUI arrest. (Today the NFL Seahawks’ Marshawn Lynch.) Maybe teams should start adding “doing your own driving” to prohibited activities like spelunking and skydiving.
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NY Police reportedly say that Jason Kidd was so drunk when HE was arrested he didn’t even know how he had crashed his car. Kidd was signed to be a mentor to Jeremy Lin – Uh, maybe to give him advice like “Dude, when you’re hammered, call a taxi?”
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From Maaj “Jason Kidd got a DWI. He tried to pass the sobriety test but it got picked off.”
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Joe Paterno’s family is denying the Louis Freeh report’s findings. Sounds like denial is genetic.
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Interesting. Many of the people who said that Joe Paterno was NOT getting doddering and senile, are now defending him by saying he was….
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The President and Vice President attended tonight’s exhibition game between the U.S. and Brazil. Team USA had to rally from an early 10 point deficit to win 80-69. Just as well, otherwise the GOP would have one more thing for which to blame Obama.
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Kudos to Susan Collins of Maine just cast her 5000th consecutive vote. (Third longest ever.). As one of the few moderates in the Senate, Collins often has to be one of the deciding votes on close bills. So this ought to silence (again) those who believe women don’t have the stomach for tough politics.
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Cincinnati star Joey Votto will have surgery on a torn meniscus, and will be out 3-4 weeks. The injury was sustained June 29, when the Reds were playing….San Francisco. Yep, the Giants broke ANOTHER player.
(Oscar B. says, “how long until an MLB investigation?”)
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Target is now stocking new same-sex marriage along with tradtional marriage cards. Very cool. The company is embracing tolerance, or at least LGBT buying power.
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Nadia Lockyer resigned in April her Alameda County, California, board of supervisor’s position after a drug/sex scandal. Today state treasurer Bill Lockyer has filed for divorce. And who saw this coming?
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Donald J. Sobol, 87, has passed away. He authored the Encyclopedia Brown series. Wonder how many clues mourners will have to find to make it to his funeral.
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Lindsay Lohan’s dad is going to have another child with his sometimes girlfriend Kate Major. It’s times like these that you wish the requirements to become a parent were at least as strict as adopting a pet from the Humane Society.
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Golden State Warriors center is apparently being investigating in his home country of Latvia for alleged income tax evasion. Well, that’s a change. An NBA player evading taxes? Usually it’s child support.
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Tim Pawlenty for Romney’s V.P.? Well, maybe they figured Pawlenty was one of the few people who could make Romney look like “Mr. Excitement.”
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Janice Hough, Jason Kidd jokes, Joe Paterno jokes, NFL jokes, sports DUI arrest
Comments: 3 Comments
July 16, 2012
The Dwight Howard potential trade mess drags on, and on…. At this point Howard might have a better reputation if he had just made a decision and announced it on an ESPN special.
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As #Retroactive retirement now becomes part of the controversy over when exactly Mitt Romney left Bain, some GOP leaders have to be thinking “Wait a minute, John McCain was supposed to be the candidate with the memory problem.”
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Actually is it too soon to nominate “retroactive retirement” as the phrase of the year?
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With all this discussion as to whether or not Penn State’s football program should at least temporarily receive the “Death Penalty,” here’s a question – if it had been a school without the national reputation and bowl records, would this even be a debate?
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On the first pitch of Sundays SF Giants Houston Astros game, Jordan Schafer tried to bunt to break up Cain’s perfect game.
(he bunted foul, and ended up making an out, but Cain gave up a hit in the third.)
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A 3-year-old Indiana boy apparently accidentally shot and killed his father after finding the man’s loaded handgun. Stand by for the NRA’s announcement – “Guns don’t kill people, toddlers kill people.”
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Mitt Romney released a negative ad against President Obama accusing him of negativity. Standby for the next Obama ad accusing Romney of going negative in response to their criticism, and then the next negative Romney ad in response to that…. (Sometimes it’s nice not to live in a swing state.)
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Looks like Jeremy Lin is heading to Houston. Standby for “Y’aLL-insanity.”
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Jason Kidd arrested for DUI after crashing his car into a light pole last night. Over-under on the number of “driving the lane” jokes this week?
(From Marty Burtwell, “he had one too many triple-doubles.”)
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Rolling Stones celebrated their 50th anniversary last week. With perhaps a rousing chorus of “You Can’t Always Remember What You Want?”
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Actress Celeste Holm has passed away at the age of 95. This is shocking. Celeste Holm was still alive?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: dwight howard jokes, Jason Kidd jokes, Penn State jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
July 15, 2012
Penn State at this point says they will not take down the Joe Paterno statue. Makes a certain amount of sense. The statue isn’t any guiltier than Joe-Pa was of doing nothing to stop Jerry Sandusky.
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So now Jeremy Lin, who Knicks coach Mike Woodsen said last week would be New York’s starting point guard, may end up in Houston. Or maybe the Knicks are just playing hard to get. Anyone else find all this drama more interesting than the NBA regular season?
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The SF Giants may not have bounties but they are breaking more opposing players than the New Orleans Saints. (Saturday night, the Houston Astros’ Jed Lowrie with an ankle strain.)
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Nice job for Tim Lincecum tonight (even if a freak play-wild pitch on a strikeout plus an error – allowed tying run to score from second cost him a win). Who needs a Triple A “rehab” start when you can play the Houston Astros.
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Fed up with an unusually rainy several months, the London Times declared in a recent editorial: “Let us make our position crystal clear: We are against this weather.” Hey, if it works maybe we should try this in the US.
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The New York Yankees have the best record in baseball, and the most home runs. But they no doubt will grab a couple more stars at the trade deadline. The team stockpiles players like some women buy shoes.
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Mitt Romney is saying that Obama ads about his time at Bain “beneath the dignity of the president and his campaign.” Guess he thinks such ads should be left to “nonprofit” Super PACS?
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Penn State has announced plans to renovate their football locker room shower room after the Sandusky scandal. Dynamite would be a good start.
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Ah technology. If you waitlist an upgrade on United Airlines these days, and change the flight, the waitlist automatically stays in for the ORIGINAL flight. So you can be confirmed in first or business flight on a plane you are no longer taking. What could possibly go wrong….
(for starters, the computer can cancel your new flight and put you back on the flight you changed from, even if you paid the penalty to reissue the ticket….)
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: Jeremy Lin jokes, Joe Paterno jokes, Penn State jokes
Comments: Be the first to comment
July 14, 2012
Richard D Zanuck, the producer of Jaws, has died at 77. Does that mean it’s now safe to go back into the water?
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And who will be the first to say at his funeral “I think we’re going to need a bigger coffin?”
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Mastercard, Visa and many U.S. banks have agreed to pay $7.3 billion to millions of merchants to end a seven-year dispute over credit card “swipe” fees. Wonder how long it will take for the credit card companies and banks to announce $8 billion in consumer fees to make up for it.
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Pitcher Mark Appel is returning to Stanford for his senior year, turning down the Pittsburgh Pirates. Since he still has Scott Boras for an agent wonder if Appel is learning a backup sport if he doesn’t like his potential contract or the teamthat drafts him in 2013.
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People in upstate New Jersey are flocking to a tree that some say now has the image of the Virgin Mary. Really? Come on people. We know the Virgin Mary does not appear on trees. She appears on toast.
(or as friends have pointed out, on grilled cheese.)
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So Prince Fielder won the Home Run Derby and Pablo Sandoval hit a three-run triple that broke open the All-Star game in the first. Not a good week in sports for Weight Watchers.
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Rielle Hunter has apparently ended her book tour after selling only 6,000 copies of her memoir “What Really Happened.” Wonder how many thousands of those books she bought herself with the money John Edwards gives her?
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All this talk about the U.S. Olympic uniforms being made in China. How about the fact that they make our athletes look like British flight attendants with French berets?
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Drew Brees and the New Orleans Saints just agreed on a long-term deal. Finally. These negotiations lasted long than most of Brett Favre’s retirements.
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Regardless of what really happened (and when) Mitt Romney left his private equity firm, will this episode go down in history as him being “Swift-Bained?
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: Bain jokes, Jaws jokes, Olympics jokes, Romney jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
July 13, 2012
Pretty scathing report out of Penn State. They didn’t even try to transfer Sandusky to a different parish.
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One of the more disgusting sidelights of this Penn State scandal: The university had no problem keeping Sandusky around and protecting Paterno etc.. But had the team had several seasons in a row without a bowl bid, PSU would have fired them all and changed the locks.
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A paraphrase of a great line in a novel – who is my first reader to get the reference? “You can go to the showers, Jerry. That was what evil was – – as easy at that! But afterwards you went on remembering…”
(Hint, only substituted words are “showers”, “Jerry”, and “evil”)
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All kidding aside the best single line to sum up the Penn State fiasco might be from an 18th century Irishman, Edmund Burke: “All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”
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Apparently in the UK, women trying to make their own fake Christian Louboutins, have caused sales of glossy red paint to soar. (Yes, I am aware this post is Greek to most men. Figured I’d write one for my women friends who don’t like sports and have said they have no idea what I am talking about sometimes.)
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Politicians will be barred from speaking at this year’s commemoration ceremony on the anniversary of the 2001 terror attacks, according to the National September 11 Memorial and Museum. Wonder how many people will tune in to see if Rudy Guiliani explodes.
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Mitt Romney hasn’t blamed President Obama yet for the U.S. Olympic team uniforms being made in China. Has he been too busy? Or does he remember that when he organized the 2002 games the uniforms were made by Roots? A company from Canada.
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Very un- PC department – but T.C., who dared me to post this, is Asian-Canadian:
The U.S Congress is fuming that the official US Olympic Uniforms were made in China. Berets, blazers and pants could have been made by local textile industries who are struggling. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev said they should be put into a big pile and set on fire. No argument here – who wants to wear gear that says “United States of Amellica” and “Lalph Rauren”?
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Steven Tyler says he is leaving American Idol to go back to his music : “I strayed from my first love, Aerosmith, and I’m back — but instead of begging on my hands and knees, I got two fists in the air and I’m kicking the door open with my band.” Uh, at this point more like banging the door open with his walker.
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Kobe Bryant says this year’s USA Olympic basketball team could’ve beaten the 1992 Dream Team. Really? I’m not sure this year’s team can even beat Spain.
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A D.C. motorcycle officer who was a White House escort has been reassigned to desk duties after he made a “bad joke” about shooting Michelle Obama with a picture of a gun on his cellphone. The Secret Service says now it was not a real threat. Good thing. But sounds like the guy is too stupid to be on the streets anyway.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: American Idol jokes, Janice Hough, Joe Paterno jokeso, Penn State jokes, Sandusky jokes
Comments: 1 Comment
July 12, 2012
Rush Limbaugh today said that Mitt Romney speaking before the NAACP “sounded like Snow White with testicles.” “Snow White with testicles?” Uh, doesn’t that put a less than family values spin on her living with those seven little men?
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Steve Nash is now a Laker. Hoping finally to be the first player to end his championship drought the same year he is eligible for Medicare.
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Brazilian soccer star Ronaldinho lost a $750,000 a year endorsement contract with Coca-Cola when he was seen drinking a Pepsi at a press conference. I do see, however, some potential for a serious new advertising campaign with Pepsi.
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Negotiations between Brooklyn and Orlando to have Dwight Howard leave the Magic for the Nets have apparently fallen through. Jeez. The Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes split was accomplished with less drama.
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Marion Cunningham, who rewrote the much loved “Fannie Farmer” cookbook, died today at 90. Said most Americans under 25. What’s a cookbook? Is there an App for that?
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American Airlines is reportedly trying to merger with JetBlue. Great, just what we need, more lousy American service while you sit on the tarmac on a delayed JetBlue plane.
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The settlement of a strike by Norwegian oil workers has caused gas prices to drop sharply. Dick Cheney has called for the invasion of Norway.
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So Mitt Romney got himself media coverage by telling the NAACP he would repeal Obamacare. Maybe time for President Obama to speak in front of the “National Organization for Marriage” trumping his support for same-sex unions.
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Nascar driver AJ Allmendinger tested positive for a stimulant His spokesperson said AJ “has no idea why the first test was positive, and he has never knowingly taken any prohibited substance.” Who said race car drivers aren’t real athletes?
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Mitt Romney today to the NAACP -“I believe that if you understood who I truly am in my heart, and if it were possible to fully communicate what I believe…” I’m not even sure anymore that Mitt himself knows who he truly is and what he believes.
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Comic-Con starts tomorrow in San Diego. And they have announced that this year strollers will not be allowed in the programming rooms. Shocking! Comic-Con attendees reproduce?
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: dwight howard jokes, Janice Hough, PED jokes, Romney jokes, Rush Limbaugh jokes
Comments: 3 Comments
July 10, 2012
“Well-stuffed” – referring to the job San Francisco fans did with the ballot box.
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That deafening silence you heard after the top of the All-Star game five run top of the first inning was coming from Mets fans who wanted Wright to start the All-Star game.
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After tonight, SF Giants batters have to be petitioning MLB for permission to wear orange spikes during regular season.
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Says Gary M. “About 1/2-way through tonight’s All-Star game, Bryce Harper asked Melky Cabrera, “How much for those clown shoes, bro?”
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Back to the regular season…. Phil Mickelson apparently part of a group planning to buy the San Diego Padres. Anyone ever told Phil that on a baseball diamond low scores are not necessarily a good thing?
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If Giants fans had started stuffing the ballot box sooner the AL might not have had that seven game All-Star winning streak.
How long until the New York Yankees tell MLB Commissioner Bud Selig this All-Star game determining home field advantage stuff is not acceptable.
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Former PSU pres. Graham Spanier told university investigators that he was never told that Jerry Sandusky was seen molesting a boy in a school shower. Ah for the good old days of being a scumbag. It was so much easier to burn notes than to erase emails….
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United Airlines today announced that they will reinstate their San Francisco to Paris nonstop in April 2013. Tomorrow they will announce that all frequent flyer free and upgraded tickets on that route are full.
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The GOP has a very different problem from 2008. Then they had a presidential candidate who couldn’t remember. Now they have one who hopes that we can’t remember.
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A yoga teacher with a cellphone ban in class was fired from Facebook after making an employee turn the phone off during one of her classes. Guess the employee just HAD to update her status to “I’m feeling really relaxed learning yoga.”
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Texas Governor Rick Perry compared Medicaid to the Titanic. Interesting that Perry picked as a metaphor one of the only things in history that sunk faster than his Presidential campaign.
From Marc Ragovin: Mitt Romney’s advisers say that his Swiss and Cayman Islands bank accounts are all part of his longstanding practice of investing globally. Hence his new campaign slogan: Putting America Somewhere Between First and Sixth.
Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: All-Star Game jokes, All-Star jokes, Ballot Box Stuffing jokes, Giants jokes, Janice Hough, Mitt Romney jokes, San Francisco Giants jokes
Comments: 2 Comments
July 9, 2012
We’re currently in the Major League Baseball All Star break. The only three days between April and September when Cubs fans KNOW their team won’t disappoint them.
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Robinson Cano, last year’s Home Run Derby winner, hit zero home runs today. What is Cano trying to do, get traded to the San Francisco Giants?
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Adam Lambert is reportedly in talks to become a judge on American Idol. The biggest hangup, having him on the show might create a “who’s prettier” tension with Ryan Seacrest.
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One happy Monday thought: If you can read this post your computer hasn’t been compromised by the DNSChanger malware.
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The Katie Holmes-Tom Cruise divorce has been finalized, in less than two weeks. With damage control talent like this Cruise clearly has a future in politics.
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Worst thing for SF Giants fans about today’s Home Run Derby. Prince Fielder’s win today isn’t going to make it any easier for the team to convince Pablo Sandoval he needs to lose weight.
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You cannot make this “stuff” up: Eagles RB Dion Lewis was arrested when, allegedly intoxicated, he pulled the fire alarm after locking himself out of his hotel in New York. Lewis was in town to speak at the Troy Boys & Girls Club about “things like how to make better choices.” (The talk has been rescheduled.)
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Not a fan of cheating, but regarding all this controversy now over Lance Armstrong and doping, do any cycling fans think ANYONE was clean during his era?
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Reggie Jackson, who is a “Yankees special assistant” has been told to stay away from team events indefinitely after his comments about A-Rod etc. But really, hiring Reggie and expecting him not to say anything controversial? Who’s the team’s next managerial prospect – Ozzie Guillen?
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As the GOP dismisses talk about Romney’s Swiss bank accounts, along with his holdings in the Cayman Islands and Bermuda, have to wonder, what would they be saying if Obama had money overseas, even small accounts in Kenya or Indonesia?
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-Hope Solo has received a USADA warning after testing positive for Canrenone. She says it was an “honest mistake” with “a medication prescribed by my personal doctor for pre-menstrual purposes that I did not know contained a diuretic” Wonder how long it will take some baseball player to use the same excuse?.
(As my friend Tony Alan Banks says : “Manny’s just sorry he didn’t think of this.”)
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From Bill Littlejohn: “Andy Murray and Great Britain were unable to break a 76-year Wimbledon men’s singles title drought. So, back in 1936, did someone bring a billy goat to Centre Court?”
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The headline reads “Three gored on the third day running of the bulls.” Should read “Three miss in valiant attempts for Darwin award.”
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Women just do not get it with this running of the bulls stuff. I mean, for us there’s got to be a purpose for that kind of mad dash where you’re likely to be trampled…. like a REALLY good Black Friday sale.
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Categories: baseball jokes, political jokes, sports jokes, Uncategorized
Tags: All-Star Game jokes, home run derby jokes, Janice Hough, Reggie Jackson jokes, Running of the bulls jokes
Comments: 5 Comments
Left Coast Sports Babe 