Archive for July 2011

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Dark times?

July 31, 2011

Nancy Pelosi said of John Boehner during this debt ceiling crisis – “He’s gone over to the dark side.” Wouldn’t a more descriptive phrase be “gone over to the burnt orange side?”

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Dodgers right-handed pitcher Hiroki Kuroda said Saturday that he will not waive his “no-trade” clause for ANY team because he wants to stay with Los Angeles.

I’ll take “Gluttons for Punishment” for $400, Alex.

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Chad Ochocinco called himself a “chameleon” who can “blend in and do it the Patriot way.” What does that mean, red white and blue pompoms?

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The Los Angeles Times is reporting that the McCourts may end up spending $35 million on their divorce. Well, it took a while, but the Dodgers have finally figured out a worse waste of money than Manny Ramirez.

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Meanwhile, Phillies manager Charlie Manuel downplayed talk of great Giants pitching. saying amongst other things “with Lincecum, I saw a 90 (mph) fastball, 92 at best.” Timmy’s great response was that it was probably “frustration” over losing – but didn’t the Phillies “have a guy named Moyer?”

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There are rumors President Obama and Republicans are close to an agreement on a deal to raise the debt ceiling. Said John Boehner – ” In spite of our differences, we’re dealing with reasonable, responsible people.” Responded some angry Tea Party members “Liar, liar, pants on fire.”

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The worst of times, the best of times: Orioles pitcher Zach Britton threw 43 pitches in 1/3 of an inning today against the Yankees. Giants pitcher Madison Bumgarner threw 41 pitches in his first inning. By comparison, Greg Maddux once threw a complete 9-inning game with 76 pitches.

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Talk about outhouse to castle, or maybe cheap seats to the luxury box. Doug Fister, with a 3.33 ERA and a 3-12 record, was just traded from the Mariners to the Tigers. His new teammate, Max Scherzer, has an 4.28 ERA, and a record of 11-5.

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Not to say today’s Detroit Tigers starter Jacob Turner, who turned 20 on May 21, is young. But when a reporter asked him about shaving corners, he allegedly responded “What’s shaving?”

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Commie pinko time: Listening to some in the GOP, corporations are really just benevolent job creators and so deserve all the tax breaks they can get. Today, after months of gas prices near or over $4 a gallon, Chevron reported record profits for the year of over $13 billion. Does this really need a punchline?

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Plane insanity?

July 30, 2011

Two Delta planes sustained minor damage when when they ran into each other at Chicago O’Hare airport Friday night. This only two weeks after two Delta planes collided at Boston Logan Airport. Think this could be the end of those cockpit happy hours.

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A woman was kicked off a Southwest flight because she was crying too much. Wow. If this becomes a trend John Boehner is grounded.

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Edwin Edwards, 83-year-old ex-governor of Louisiana has married a 32-year-old woman. They met as penpals while he was serving a federal prison sentence for bribery and extortion. This is the sort of marriage the California Proposition 8 people are defending?

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Cam Newton’s agent texted today that the Heisman winner signed a deal with the Carolina Panthers for four years and “$22 million-plus.”

Wonder how much the Panthers’ paid Cam’s father?
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The Oakland Raiders have just hired a grandmother as one of their cheerleaders. In related news, Al Davis just got a QB resume from Brett Favre.

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The Physician Committee for Responsible Medicine, a nonprofit pro-vegan group, has erected a billboard with a cigarette pack full of hot dogs -and says they are as unhealthy as cigarettes. Uh, maybe, but who ever said it was a good idea to smoke hot dogs?

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Trying to keep support for “Cut, Cap and Balance,” Sarah Palin reminded GOP freshmen in Congress of the promises they made during their 2010 campaigns. Uh, Sarah, wasn’t an implicit part of those promises actually serving out their terms?

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Former astronaut Lisa Novak, the one who made that drive from Houston to Orlando to confront a romantic rival, was banished from NASA with an “other than honorable discharge.” On a brighter note, she’s allegedly already received an endorsement offer from Depends.

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Reading stories about former joint Dodgers’ owners Jamie and Frank McCourt: Millions spent on attorney fees, and constant bickering about how many more millions they need to sustain their lifestyles. It’s a wonder this couple ever got divorced. The two seem perfect for each other.

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A two-week operation in Mendocino National Forest destroyed 460,000 marijuana plants, and U.S. agents also seized 3/4 ton of processed pot. In related news, Krispy Kreme cut profit forecasts 20 percent.

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GOP Presidential candidate Jon Huntsman, running as the “sane” and “civil” choice spoke to a small group of less than 300 college Republicans Friday. Reminds me of when a woman said to then presidential candidate Adlai Stevenson that he had the “vote of every thinking man” in the U.S. Adlai’s reply: “Thank you, but I need a majority to win.”

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Crazy times.

July 29, 2011

Ann Coulter said on the Joy Behar show that some gay people can indeed ‘pray away the gay.’ The response from the gay community -if that were true we could “pray away” Ann Coulter.

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Sarah Palin urged House Republican freshmen today to stick to their principles when it comes to raising the debt limit. Well, at least until half way through the vote.

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Do we need any more proof that this recession isn’t hurting the rich? Whole Foods just announced a 35 percent jump in their fiscal third quarter profit.

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President Obama is having a tough time getting any sort of bipartisan agreement these days. Shame he can’t promise that if we get a deal on the debt ceiling he would get rid of Dan Snyder.

(for the uninitiated,  Snyder is the owner of the Washington Redskins, and one of the few men in D.C. equally hated by both sides.)

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John McCain yesterday quoted a Wall Street Journal article in referring to those who don’t want to raise the debt-ceiling as “Tea Party Hobbits.” Prompting calls for an immediate apology – from Hobbits.

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But really, John McCain as the voice of reason?   Either he’s remembered the Senator he used to be, or he’s forgotten those years he was running for President.  (Or he’s starting to listen to Meghan.)

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The San Diego Padres and Petco set a Guinness World Record during their annual “Dog Days of Summer” day: The most dogs in a pet costume parade – 337 to be exact. (Pretty safe bet this is not a record that will ever be topped by cats.)

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The Tennessee Titans have released Vince Young, their first pick (#3 overall in the the 2006 draft.) So as unbelievable as it seems, yes, folks, Alex Smith with the 49ers has outlasted him.

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And at a early practice Thursday, Michael Crabtree injured his foot and may be out 4-6 weeks.  On a brighter note, the 49ers’ chances to win the Andrew Luck lottery just went up another notch.

 

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Amy Winehouse’s family thinks she died of “alcohol withdrawal,” basically from because they say she stopped drinking cold-turkey. Whether it’s true or not, hope no one shows this story to Lindsay Lohan.

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In a recent study of possible compulsive behavior, subjects checked their smartphones an average of  34 times a day. One word – “Amateurs.”

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Last week Texas Gov. Rick Perry was asked about NY’s new same-sex marriage law. He replied “That’s New York, and that’s their business, and that’s fine with me.” Today he said “it’s fine with me that a state is using their sovereign rights to decide an issue. Obviously gay marriage is not fine with me. My stance hasn’t changed.” Sounds like it’s not just good hair that Rick has in common with John Kerry.

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So the standard GOP line is that tax cuts for the rich will be good for all Americans. So let’s see, for a semi-test case, this week the federal aviation tax has expired, meaning in theory a 7.5 percent cut in the cost of airline tickets. And what have most airlines done? Raised fares 7.5 percent to make up for the tax cut.

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A couple thoughts to end from T.C.

Regarding that 19 inning game ending at 1:50am. The Pirates that got hosed by the blown call at home plate. If it was the Yankees, MLB would have a new replay policy in effect, retroactive to 1:45am.

Likely (sick)  headline coming soon? “Mike Vick to unleash Favre as backup”

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Oops, we missed it again.

July 28, 2011
 
 
(and yes, that white thing behind the catcher’s back foot IS the plate.)
 
Regarding that play at home in the Pirates-Braves game last night: Joe Torre, now MLB’s executive V.P. for operations, stated “Unfortunately, it appears that the call was missed.” In related news, Amy Winehouse’s death may have been drug related.
 
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When they play the National Anthem in future at MLB games this season, hope umpire Jerry Meals is ready. Because when they start out ‘Oh say can you see?,” everyone but Braves fans will loudly scream -“NO.”
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So with the Carlos Beltran trade to the Giants a done deal, the leading slugger on the trade market may be the Rays’ B.J. Upton. Who is referred to by Sports Illustrated as “enigmatic.” Translation of “enigmatic?” “Headcase.”
 
 
Some New York fans are enjoying their sour grapes  – this anonymous comment “few Mets fans will forget his at-bat during the ninth inning of Game 7 of the 2006 NL championship series against St. Louis. Beltran came up with the bases loaded and the Mets trailing 3-1, and struck out looking to end the game.”
 
Uh, yeah, almost the same thing happened in last year’s NLCS with Ryan Howard, in a one run game with two on, when he took a backdoor slider from Brian Wilson to also strike out looking to end the game. 
 
And I don’t think Phillies fans want Howard out of town. Yet anyway.
 
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Good thing for SF Giants that they aren’t in the AL East. After Brian Wilson’s All-Star introduction of Carlos Beltran – “the guy’s a phenomenal hitter, a switch hitter, there’s talks of him coming over to the Giants. More than welcome. Come on over, pal.”- the Yankees would probably get Selig to overturn the deal for tampering.
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Hugh Hefner’s ex-fiancee said they only had sex once and it was over “in two seconds.” Really? Come on. Nothing lasts only two seconds. Except maybe the Cubs’ pennant hopes in April.
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The IRS has said that airlines should refund passengers for the collected but currently expired federal aviation tax. Want to bet it how long it takes for the first airline to say that the cost of processing such credits is a service fee exactly equal to the proposed refund?
 
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 Speaker John Boehner told his fellow Republicans to “Get your ass in line.” In related news, Larry Craig has decided it might be time to run again for Congress.
 
 

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A tale of two franchises. Wednesday the San Francisco Giants acquired Carlos Beltran. And on the same day the San Francisco 49ers re-signed Alex Smith.

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Sarah Palin said that “Scaring the American people is exactly what President Obama is doing,” in regards to the debt ceiling. Oh please oh please can someone just ask Palin if she can explain the debt ceiling.

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Have the Giants considered just gifting Barry Zito to the Yankees to replace Phil Hughes? Could be an upgrade for both teams.

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It’s 3am in Washington, D.C.

July 27, 2011

Do you know where your debt ceiling is?

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Okay, let’s borrow from reality television and solve this debt ceiling thing in about one night. Lock Nancy Pelosi, John Boehner, Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell in a “fantasy suite” together and don’t let them out until they have a deal.

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President Obama referred to the fight over the debt ceiling as a “partisan three-ring circus.” Prompting calls for an immediate apology, from Ringling Brothers.

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In California, controller John Chiang stopped paying lawmakers when they couldn’t agree on a budget. Maybe we should have sent him to Washington, D.C. Monday along with the San Francisco Giants.

 

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Baseball stat of the night. Jered Weaver of the Angels has more wins in July (five), than the Seattle Mariners (four.)

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Apparently the New York Giants are considering resigning their former wide receiver Plaxico Burress. When asked, Giants management said they decided they might as well take a shot at it.

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New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft, on the end of the lockout. “”I hope we gave a little lesson to the people in Washington because the debt ceiling is a lot easier to fix than this was.” Well, that ought to put rest to the rumor that NFL owners are a bunch of self-absorbed narcissistic jerks.

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Bengals owner Mike Brown insisted on Tuesday that he won’t trade quarterback Carson Palmer, who said he would retire rather than play again for Cincinnati. So in terms that Bengals fans understand, Brown considers Palmer’s contract “non-bailable.”

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A man at New Orleans’ airport injured a United ticket agent when he accidentally fired his hunting rifle while trying to check the gun with his baggage. Well, good to see Dick Cheney’s getting out and around again.

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Phillies fans are apparently planning to jeer Bruce Bochy for all three games the Giants are in San Francisco, because they are mad that he used their star pitchers in the All-Star game. (Really.) But to be fair to the fans, this is a tough time of year in Philadelphia, it’s at least four months until they can boo Santa Claus.

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Tuesday night the Seattle Mariners and Doug Fister (3-11) took their 16 game losing streak against the New York Yankees and C.C. Sabathia. (14-5) I think the Christians had a better chance against the Lions.

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Mr. Wilson goes to Washington.

July 26, 2011

And maybe the President can’t solve the debt ceiling crisis, but he did do something amazing on Tuesday – got Brian Wilson to put on a suit  Without cleats

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Los Angeles officials say they have a tentative agreement with AEG to build a new football stadium “Farmers Field,” near the convention center.

They hope to have the stadium built in time to lure a professional team in time for the 2016 NFL season. Or failing that the Raiders or Panthers.

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Listening to “the Bachelorette,” Ashley talk to the last two men jointly at the rose ceremony. She told them to focus on the relationships she has with them individually, instead of thinking about what’s going on with the other guy….. Thinking, hmm, is this what Mormons tell their wives?

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So the NFL lockout appears to be open and training camps will open later this week. What a relief for parole officers in Cincinnati, who will now know exactly where to find their Bengals’ “clients.”

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The U.S. Postal Service on Tuesday will release a list of 3,653 post offices that could be shut down. Wonder if they’ll post the list on Facebook and Twitter?

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Brett Favre’s agent says talk of his client attempting another NFL comeback is just “speculation.” Translation, no team has made Brett a definite offer yet.

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President Obama apparently stated when he met the Giants in the White House “I do fear the beard.” Maybe he’s hoping he can sic Brian Wilson on John Boehner.

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A new study found that women are more likely to send sexy text messages than men. Duh, texts are basically talking by typing. Women are likely to do ANYTHING involving words and talking more than men.

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Final details of the deal that ended the NFL lockout  are not yet available. As in who gave who the final rose?

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The lateness of the NFL labor accord means that Jim Harbaugh is even more likely to have to stick with Alex Smith as 49ers QB this year. Which is good news for San Francisco fans who hope to see the team be able to draft Andrew Luck in 2012.

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This weekend the 7.5 percent tax on air travel temporarily expired during budget negotiations, so it should have been a price break for travelers. Except major carriers just hiked their fares to cover the difference for extra profit. Trickle-down economics? Right. Just means we all get trickled on.

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From Bill Littlejohn:  Jay Cutler insists that he called off his wedding due to a torn MCL and that he did not quit on Kristin Cavallari”

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Rainbow falls.

July 25, 2011

Apparently Niagara Falls was lit up with rainbow colors today, for all the marriages.

But meanwhile, in New York City, the first couple married under the state’s new same-sex marriage laws were Phyllis Siegal, 77, and Connie Kopelov, 85, two women who have been together for 23 years. So can any conservative say with a straight face how that ceremony threatens any heterosexual marriage?

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So let’s see, the GOP wants to reduce unwanted pregnancies and abortions, and also cut the number of familes with children on welfare. Hmm…maybe the best way to do this is to encourage poor people to enter into gay marriages.

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Jay Cutler has called off his engagement to Kristin Cavallari. Apparently blindsiding his ex-fiancee, but not Bears fans. Who already that knew that you couldn’t count on Cutler to go all the way when it mattered.

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The latest rumor is that as a backup to Michael Vick, the Philadelphia Eagles might sign Brett Favre? Is this the only way Favre can assure that for at least some fans he’ll won’t be the number one target of boos on the field?

(And of course the same might be said for Michael Vick approving Favre as his backup.)

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If you crossed Brett Favre with Sarah Palin would you end up with someone who actually knew when to quit?

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Qatarian Mohamed bin Hammam vowed to overturn his bribery conviction and lifetime ban from soccer on Sunday. He said he will go to the FIFA appeals court, or to CAS (Court of Arbiration for Sport) or even the civil courts in Switzerland. Just as soon as he figures out which of those will overturn his conviction for the lowest price.

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Knuckleballer Tim Wakefield Sunday joined Roger Clemens as the only pitchers to strike out 2,000 batters with Boston. Very impressive. And can you imagine if Wakefield had only taken steroids? His fastball might have broken 70.

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Sunday night in the San Francisco Bay Area there were competing concerts between the Indigo Girls and Dolly Parton. Fans were divided over which is the best duet.

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Glee co-creator Ryan Murphy had said that Rachel, Kurt and Finn would graduate at the end of season three. But apparently at Comic-con this weekend in San Diego, the series’ other co-creator Brad Fulchuk said  stars Lea Michele, Chris Colfer, and Cory Monteith will return for season 4.

Which means one of two things. Either the three will indeed graduate, and come back as visitors from their colleges, or the writers will figure out ways to turn them into honorary football players.

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Quote of the day – but from a facebook friend, but from a  Thomas Love Peacock, friend of the 19th century poet Percy Shelley: “There are two reasons for drinking wine…when you are thirsty, to cure it; the other, when you are not thirsty, to prevent it… prevention is better than cure.”

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And shocking quote of the week on an Irish report on clerical sex child sex abuse: -it exposed “the dysfunction, disconnection, elitism and narcissism that dominate the culture of the Vatican to this day. The rape and torture of children were downplayed or ‘managed’ to uphold instead, the primacy of the institution, its power, standing and ‘reputation.'” The real shocker- the quote is from Irish PM Enda Kinney.

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Neanderthals past and present:

July 24, 2011

New research adds DNA evidence to the theory that Neanderthals and humans started interbreeding between 50,000 and 80,000 years ago. In related news, Ben Roethlisberger was married today.

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Gary Morton’s comment on the wedding -“As a tribute to Roethlisberger’s free-wheeling-bachelor past, the church’s restrooms were sealed off with yellow crime scene tape.”

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A Florida man was arrested for trying to ship $30,000 of crystal methamphetamine in a package of Meow Mix. Police became suspicious when neighbors reported his cats were chasing birds by flying into trees.

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Fourteen in a row for the Mariners. At what point do wins against Seattle start getting an asterisk?

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After Ohio State vacated all of last year’s wins and coach Jim Tressel was forced to resign, the NCAA has nonetheless decided that they will not be banned from any postseason games. The Buckeyes, in fact, are now considered Rose Bowl favorites. Four words- “Money, money, money, money.”

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Speaker Boehner has walked out of debt reduction talks because he will not accept ANY “revenue enhancements.” So when did those “inalienable” rights become life, liberty, and the pursuit of lower taxes on millionaires?

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Supporters of Sarah Palin were incensed that the as yet undeclared candidate was left off an August straw poll for GOP presidential contenders in Iowa.

Actually, responded the organizers of the ballot, we considered including Palin’s name, but we quit that idea about halfway through the process.

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Linda Christian, the first Bond Girl, died at the age of 87.  Not to say she was old, but rumor has it when Christian had a role in “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service,” Her Majesty was Queen Victoria.

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The term “Death Wish” is overused. But in Amy Winehouse’s case it appears to have been completely appropriate.   A sad story.  Hope Lindsay Lohan is taking notice.

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And while we’re on the serious track :  So after this horrible Norway massacre yesterday, should security start profiling tall blond men? (That description, as my friend Steven points out, also fits Timothy McVeigh.)

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Friday night tacky.

July 23, 2011

Bail was set at $1 million for the Southern California woman who allegedly took a knife to her husband’s penis and put it down the garbage disposal.

Guess they were afraid she was likely to cut and run.

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Need a diet aid?   Just read up about the relationship between “Lost” actor Doug Hutchison, 51, and his 16-year-old wife Courtney Stodden.  The couple, who married in May, gave an intimate interview to “E” news.

“I’ve got to say, if there’s only one caveat to the ocean between our [ages], I wished I was a virgin when we met,” 
“It’s fine that he wasn’t!” she exclaimed. “He’s a tiger!”

Even Hugh Hefner is thinking “That’s just gross.”

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Two famous stars on the Tonight Show Friday night – Dolly Parton was Jay’s guest.

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With all these back and forth accusations of lying and not dealing in good faith, I’m getting confused. Does Congress have something to do with the lockout and the NFL with the debt ceiling?

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Wonder what would happen if God actually whispered in the ear of one of these Tea Party types “Any of you read the Bible? Jesus would tax the rich.”

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Best wishes to Christopher Schwarzengger, 13, who is fortunately expected to make a full recovery from his injuries. But the AP has it a little wrong with the lead sentence: “Arnold Schwarzenegger’s youngest son is recovering in a hospital after a body-boarding accident at a Malibu beach.”

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And they wonder why U.S. airlines have such a bad reputation – Continental’s phone response today “Your call will be answered between one hour and two minutes and one hour and twenty minutes from now.”

Of course, it does beat (barely) the “Due to a high volume of calls, we are unable to take your call at this time.”  With a hangup and then busy signal.

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Bristol Palin is continuing her book tour, and Thursday night on Dr. Drew said she was “stupid” to lie to her mother about the spring night in 2006 she lost her virginity to Levi Johnson. Okay, fine, and she was somehow on a higher plain the next couple years, since Tripp was born in late December 2008?

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New York 17,  Oakland 7.   Uh, I know I’ve heard talk of a deal.  But how did I miss the start of the NFL preseason?

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From Zev Karlin-Neumann:  “It’s supposed to be 100+ degrees and stormy in DC Saturday. I say hold the debt ceiling talks outside until there’s a deal…”

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A judge has rejected the Los Angeles Dodgers’ proposed $150 million bankruptcy financing plan. Guess he figured the plan was as likely to succeed as their team on the field this season.

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On an actual serious note, I don’t agree with everything President Obama does. But amazed by the vitriol from some Democrats. Guess they thought when Barack was talking about compromise across the aisle and “no blue states and no red states” that he was just kidding?

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What if all these candidates like Perry and Bachmann really are hearing God’s voice telling them to run? Does this mean God is a frustrated stand-up comic?  (Or as Paul Seaburn says, “No, just a comedy writer looking for four more years of material.”)

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Mitt Romney has Meg Whitman as finance director for his 2012 Presidential run. Because nothing says you can make responsible decisions about our nation’s economy like hiring someone who spent $150 million on her own failed campaign.”

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NFL – Never Finished (with) Lawyers?

July 22, 2011

Anyone else think this endless NFL negotiation coverage on ESPN is beginning to feel like being at a endless dinner party with a squabbling couple? The argument is no longer interesting and you just want to be done hearing about it.

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Today’s vote by the owners was 31 to 0 with Al Davis abstaining. At least, we think he was abstaining. He may have just been taking a nap.

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A Los Angeles traffic officer has been fired for appearing in uniform in a pornographic film. Insert nightstick joke here.

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According to court filings, Arnold Schwarzenegger doesn’t want to pay Maria Shriver spousal support. Well, this could make a certain amount of sense – Arnold may have no idea how many child support payments are ahead of him.

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Photos are circulating on the internet of Sarah Palin’s newest daughter-in-law, Britta, at her baby shower. The very pregnant 21 year old woman was married to Palin’s son Track in May. Of this year. Got to love that abstinence-only education.

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A Turkish team has confirmed they have talked with Kobe Bryant’s agent about the Lakers’ star playing in Istanbul if the NBA season is cancelled. Makes sense, Turkey has great jewelry stores.

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In an interview with Fortune magazine, apparently former Harvard President Larry Summers referred to the Winklevoss twins as “a**holes.” Well, it takes one….

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Sarah Palin to the rescue of the mainstream media? Really. She says she wants to “help” them: “I have a journalism degree. That is what I studied. I understand that this cornerstone of our democracy is a free press, is sound journalism. I want to help them build back their reputation and allow Americans to be able to trust what it is that they’re reporting.”

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Meanwhile, from the ridiculous to the sublime as far as quotes:   As compromise becomes a dirty word in Washington, have to wonder if Yeats anticipated this debt ceiling mess – ‘Things fall apart, the centre cannot hold. Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world.” And then  “the best lack all conviction, while the worst  /Are full of passionate intensity.”

 

Asked whether she still believes homosexuality is a choice, Michele Bachmann responded “I am running for the presidency of the United States. I am not running to be anyone’s judge.” Maybe, but she is running to appoint everyone’s judges.

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Steve Williams told CNN he was disappointed and shocked that he was fired by Tiger Woods, especially “given the fact of my loyalty and the way that I stood by this guy through thick and thin ..And the timing of it is very poor, from my perspective.” Over-under on how long it takes Williams’ book on Tiger to come out?

 

Josh Hamilton will start wearing special sunglasses since he said he learned that blue eyes make it harder to hit the ball in the daytime. Mariners fans are wondering, maybe blue uniforms make it harder to hit the ball in the daytime AND nighttime?

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“Severely Ethically Challenged” conference.

July 21, 2011

With LSU on probation  for a “major violation,” this now means every member of the SEC has been guilty of at least one such violation since 1990,  

Somehow, however, this probation  doesn’t extend to a postseason ban for the Tigers. (Who are one of the top schools in the NCAA as far as fans who will travel and buy tickets.)   Yeah, that’ll teach them.

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In the “department of repetitious redundancy department”,  for what it’s worth , SEC conference is redundant, since it stands for Southeastern Conference.”  If anyone cares.)

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SEC commissioner Mike Slive said that college sports need major reform. Really? The head of the SEC?  Isn’t that like Newt Gingrich talking about defending family values?  Or Bill Clinton signing the Defense of Marriage Act?   Or Bristol Palin promoting abstinence…? 

Oops, never mind.

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‘During an internal cross-check, the California Department of Motor Vehicles reported they may have sent almost 60,000 of their more than 2 million disabled parking placards to dead people. Or as a DMV spokesman said in their defense, “people who are really really really disabled.”

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Not saying Americans are out of touch, but wonder how many of them think the “debt ceiling” is the roof on a crematorium.

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Maybe we could get Americans on both sides to pay attention to the whole proceedings if we turned them into a reality show. (Start referring to congressional conferences as “Group Dates?”  And tune in next week to see which budget compromises get a rose?)

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“‘The full consequences of a default or even the serious prospect of a default by the United States are impossible to predict and awesome to contemplate. The nation can ill afford to allow such a result.” -California Senator Barbara Boxer today, quoting that noted liberal President Ronald Reagan.
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From Bill Littlejohn:  “Michael Vick appeared before Congress on Tuesday to denounce dogfighting—and as soon as he was through referring to Republicans and Democrats arguing over the debt ceiling, he talked about pit bulls”
 

A joint joke with the very funny Paul Seaburn:

“It’s hot in Minnesota, but Michelle Bachmann says she will not be incapacitated by ice cream headaches.”

Of course, you do need to have a brain to freeze.

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Michelle Bachmann herself said of the migraine issue. “I have prescription medication that I take whenever symptoms arise, and they keep the migraines under control.”

(And the unwritten subtext – “but of course, I still plan to repeal Obamacare and make medical care even more of a free market commodity. And  well,, most of you poor folks who can’t afford the medications aren’t doing anything important enough with your time that being incapacitated for a while would matter.)

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A woman was arrested near Portland for trying to sell her newborn baby? What kind of monster tries to sell a baby? A teenager, well, okay, that makes some sense.

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The Institute of Medicine, an independent nonprofit organization, issued a report that said birth control should be able at no cost to patients under the health care reform law. It would save unwanted pregancies and money. Just wondering, why doesn’t just one of these anti-welfare, anti-abortion conservatives come forward and agree with this?

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The buck stops….?

July 20, 2011

“The buck stops anywhere but here” award today goes to Rupert Murdoch. Asked by a member of a parliamentary committtee “Do you accept that ultimately you are responsible for this whole fiasco?” Murdoch simply responded: “No.”

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Potentially scary questions about Murdoch media enterprises in the U.S. Do they have higher ethical standards than their compatriots in the U.K? Or have they just not been caught yet?

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A Northern California man who started a fire by smoking meth with a blowtorch near a container of gunpowder has been sentenced to 45 days in jail. Although he missed out on the prize he richly deserved – a Darwin award.

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The latest Michele Bachmann headlines are about her possibly incapacitating migraines. And Bachmann has responded “I have prescribed medication that I take whenever symptoms arise and they keep the migraines under control.” Just one more addition to the list of those who benefit from good healthcare, and still want to deny it to many Americans.

Adds Alex Schubert: “Considering her public speaking ability, she should share some of her migraine medication.”

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Michael Vick is now working with three members of congressmen to support an anti-dogfighting bill. Well, it’s no stranger (and will do a lot more good) than many divorced and/or unfaithful politicians supporting the Defense of Marriage Act.

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The Federal Aviation Administration is investigating a Colorado air traffic controller for allegedly working while intoxicated. In the controller’s defense, he said he was studying for his pilot’s license.

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Delta Airlines has indicated plans to pull out of 15 small towns if they don’t get increased federal subsidies. Six of those cities are in Minnesota, and Delta is the only carrier serving them. Will someone please ask Michele Bachmann and Tim Pawlenty to confirm their anti-goverment spending stance on this one?

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Seattle Mariners fans were shocked tonight when their team, who would have to go on a offensive tear to make it up to “light-hitting,” actually scored five runs in the first two innings.

Then reality set in and the Mariners didn’t score again and lost 6-5 in 14 innings.

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And okay creative readers,  who wants to guess what Brian Wilson will wear next week for the San Francisco Giants’ visit to the White House?

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Mr. Bochy goes to Washington.

July 19, 2011

For the SF Giants’ visit to the White House next week, rumor has it that President Obama has invited Speaker John Boehner to join them. That way the team can get a real Orange and Black welcome.

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Actually President Obama has to be thrilled about having the SF Giants visit. After getting it from both sides during this debt ceiling debate, at least with the Giants lineup the President knows he won’t have to absorb any hits.

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Another day, another resignation at Scotland Yard over the Murdoch hacking scandal. This mess could end up being the downfall of more policemen than all you can eat free  doughnut giveaway.

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Rebekah Brooks’ lawyer says she is not guilty of any criminal offense. Though police now say at least 4,000 people were hacked by News of the World, Brooks is denying she knew anything wrong was going on while she was editor. Ah, the increasingly common “clueless defense.”

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“Cut, cap and balance?” (One of the Tea Party pledges)  Can’t decide if it sounds more like some package special at the hair salon, or like what BP was trying to do with that well.

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In a suburb of Vienna this weekend, thieves made off with a semi-trailer filled with 21 tons of mustard and ketchup. Reportedly there is an all-points bulletin out for the Oscar Mayer Weinermobile.

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A man in a wedding dress briefly interrupted play by running onto the field during the Nationals-Braves game last weekend. Guess that answers the question – “Whatever happened to Dennis Rodman?”

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Reggie Bush’s family has taken back a copy of his 2005 Heisman Trophy from a San Diego sports museum. Maybe they plan to trade it for tattoos?

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USC has suspended running back Marc Tyler after he was interviewed by TMZ and asked if athletes were paid more at USC or in the pros. Tyler says was “joking” when he responded “USC, they breaking bread,” and made a gesture indicating money. Well, the truth may or may not set you free, but it does apparently get you kicked off the Trojans.

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Borders Books is facing liquidation after no bids emerged in an auction from any investors who wanted to keep the chain going. While this is bad news for the company’s over 10,000 employees, it’s a bit of karmic payback for the countless independent bookstores Borders put out of business during their heyday.

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When they put together the video of the U.S. women’s run in the World Cup, especially with all those “almost” goals in the final, will the background music be from “Get Smart?” (“Missed it by THAT much.”)

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Fox News reported that “The Undefeated,” the Sarah Palin documentary, opened to packed houses. But the article appeared before the film was even showing in theatres. Gosh, who would have expected anything duplitious from a Murdoch enterprise.

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From TC “In Germany, Paul the Octopus 2 correctly predicted Japan would beat the US in the Womens World Cup. His reward? He was not invited to be a part of the celebratory dinner.”

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Car-mic luck?

July 18, 2011

The 405 is open again, and Los Angeles seems to have survived the weekend just fine. Wonder now if they will now start referring to it as Y2Karmageddon.

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After all the worry and talk of Carmaggedon, the work was completed Sunday morning, and the 405 freeway reopened almost a full day ahead of schedule. Since project director Mike Barbour has proved so adept dealing with a potentially disastrous situation, maybe Los Angeles should put him in charge of the Dodgers.

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Cincinnati running back Cedric Benson was arrested and charged with assault early Sunday morning, a week after Pacman Jones was arrested for a bar incident. Well, the lockout might not be over yet, but good to see that the Bengals are in mid-season form.

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Okay, I’m still not getting this idea of a documentary about Sarah Palin. To quote the Wikipedia description “Documentary films constitute a broad category of nonfictional motion pictures intended to document some aspect of reality.”

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Congratulations to Japan on their World Cup win. Wonder which GOP Presidential candidate will be the first to claim it’s President Obama’s fault.

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Even many bandwagon soccer fans were heartbroken by the USA penalty-kick loss.  Some of them will even think about it before the next Olympics

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As much as most of the world cares about the women’s World Cup, the USA team still isn’t universally appreciated at home. In fact, when asked what they thought about Hope Solo, many Americans responded was “Wasn’t she in Star Wars?”

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Texas Governor Rick Perry, who insists he doesn’t want to enter the GOP Presidential primary, nonetheless said in an interview he’s “getting more and more comfortable every day that this is what I’ve been called to do.”

All these folks claiming God is calling or may call them to run for President. Is it possible that even God can dial a wrong number?

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Rudy Giuliani today on CNN about gay marriage. “I think the Republican Party would be well advised to get the heck out of people’s bedrooms. We’d be a much more successful political party if we stuck to our economic, conservative roots.” What’s more surprising, a GOP leader making a moderate statement, or the fact that Guiliani strung two sentences together without mentioning 9/11?

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from Marc Ragovin:  After accusing the Blue Jays of stealing signs, the Yankees said they would respond in an appropriate manner. Yeah, by waiting til the off season and stealing their players

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No scoring at home.

July 17, 2011

 

In the first three games after the All-Star Break at Safeco Field, the Seattle Mariners have scored a total of one run. Does this make them the official baseball team of Major League Soccer?

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From Gary Morton:  The Mariners have been shut-out in 2 of their last 3 games and have been outscored 38-10 while losing 8 straight. They haven’t been this befuddled since manager Eric Wedge held up a bat in a team meeting and asked, “does ANYONE know what this is?”

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Apparently “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2” has broken box office records by taking in $168.6 million domestically this weekend. That’s particularly amazing considering almost none of those moviegoers came with dates.

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One of the tenets of the anti-tax movement is that rich people are smarter and more productive about spending money than the government. But for many years one of the richest and biggest spending franchises in baseball has been the Chicago Cubs.

 

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A Legoland theme park near Dallas, Texas is now displaying a “Lego Dirk Nowitzki” that they got from Germany. The 7 foot tall statue is made from 25,000-30,000 Lego bricks, and took 3,000 hours to build. Apparently Miami tried to get a “Lego Lebron James” too, but builders kept stopping when they were three-quarters done.

 

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Listening to Fox announcers talk about how terrible the Oakland A’s ballpark is for hitters. (Big and with huge foul terrority.) Can you only imagine what the Giants’ team ERA would be if they played there? We know San Francisco’s lineup would be collectively below the Mendoza line.

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Michele Bachmann accused President Obama of having “choot-spa.” Really? Isn’t “choot-spa” what angry gun-toting women do in Texas when they are unhappy with their mani-pedis?

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Congratulations to Trevor Bauer, the former UCLA pitcher and Diamondbacks draft pick for winning the “Golden Spikes Award.” The award is given annually to the best amateur baseball player. Many were disappointed it didn’t go to a member of the Houston Astros.

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Five ‎ North Korean womens soccer players tested positve for steroids. According to ESPN, the delegation told FIFA the steroids were accidentally taken with traditional Chinese medicines based on musk deer glands to treat players who had been struck by lightning. And a number of MLB and NFL players said “Damn, why didn’t we think of that?”

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.Mistakes were made, but only minor ones by me.

July 16, 2011

Rupert Murdoch is now in full apology mode, less than a day after insisting his company had made only “minor mistakes” in handling the hacking crisis. Rupert may lose much of his newspaper empire over this, but he has been offered a position as spokesman for BP.

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As the Murdoch empire phone-hacking scandal grows, Rebekah Brooks finally lost her job as chief executive of News International when she was forced to resign today. “What a shame” said absolutely nobody.

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Michele Bachmann’s husband Marcus is now denying that his Christian counseling business tries to “cure” gays of homosexuality. Guess that means they better stop referring privately to some clients as the “formerly fabulous.”

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So the Yankees have been beaten soundly twice by the Blue Jays – 16 to 7, and 7 to 1. Open note to New York players: The All Star game is over, you can start showing up.

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Now it turns out that Jim Tressel, formerly of that squeakly clean reputation, had been rated “unacceptable” in 2005-06 by Ohio State for “compliance issues,” and had a letter of reprimand only six months after he took the coaching job. Guess he and the school were doing a good job playing it close to the vest.

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Jennifer Lopez is single again; she and Marc Anthony have announced their separation. Which means for most American men, they have about as much chance as getting together with her as they did when she was off the market.

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No explanation given for the J-Lo and Marc Anthony split. But I’m sure some publication will soon offer a “behind” the scene report.

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Another in the “And we wonder why other countries hate us” department: At the Trump hotel in Las Vegas, they are now offering couples massages for dogs and their owners for $150 for 30 minutes.

(Said my friend Alex Kaseberg – Trump thought of this when he and that thing on his head enjoyed a couples massage.)

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And from my funny friend Jim Barach:  Tiger Woods says he will play in a rescheduled match for charity in August. Of course, playing for Charity is what got Tiger in trouble. Along with playing for Destiny, Cinnamon and all the other strippers he was dating.

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Dodgers owner Frank McCourt is saying he can no longer keep up the payments on seven of the properties that his ex-wife Jamie got in the divorce, saying she doesn’t need them anyway. I believe this will be known as the “A plague on all your houses” strategy.

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And Angelinos like to say San Franciscans are wimps. “Carmageddon?” Come on, dudes, deal with it. Not even as bad as a decent-sized earthquake. And with advance notice.

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Another title bites the dust.

July 15, 2011

The latest, Georgia Tech was put on four years probation by the NCAA.  The school was also fined $100,000 and stripped of it’s 2009 ACC football title game victory.

So which BCS committee is going for the honest approach first, and renaming their game “The Asterisk Bowl”?

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While a number of athletes were in attendance at last night’s ESPY awards, none of the Miami Heat showed up. It was just like a NBA finals fourth quarter.

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One good thing about “What me worry” useless MLB commissioner Bud Selig, he’s pretty hands-off as far as hijinks. If Brian Wilson was subject to the authority of No Fun League commission Roger Goddell, he’d need to set up a line of credit for the fines.

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Another thought about Brian Wilson’s spandex formal wear at the ESPYs. Thank God he didn’t convince Prince Fielder or C.C. Sabathia to come with him wearing the same outfit.

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The judge who declared the mistrial in the Roger Clemens case felt he had no choice as prosecutors had disobeyed his instructions about inadmissible evidence for a second time. Amazing incompetence. Were these clowns doing this in hopes of getting jobs some day prosecuting celebrities in Los Angeles?

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From Marc Ragovin:  I’m not saying that the prosecutor in the Clemens case purposefully took a dive, but Roger was just credited with his first intentional walk.

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The scandal involving Murdoch newspapers and illegal eavesdropping etc just keeps growing. Apparently one of them tried to infiltrate John McCain’s presidential campaign communications. But no one could decipher the smoke signals.

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Sarah Palin on the debt ceiling issue – “it’s the time to reload and we reload with reality.” This could be the first time “Sarah Palin” and “reality” have appeared in the same sentence.

(Although on another subject, clearly that criticism after the Tucson shooting of Palin’s using the crosshairs imagery with her opponents didn’t bother her too much.)

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Norwegian Cruise Line is now offering pizza delivery 24/7 on their ships, for an extra charge of $5 per pizza. Apparently for all those people who can’t make it on twelve meals a day.

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Netflix, owner of one the most popular brands in the U.S., decided in a down economy to raise their prices 60 percent. This could go down in history as the smartest marketing decision since “New Coke.”

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The scandal involving Murdoch newspapers and illegal eavesdropping etc just keeps growing. Apparently one of them tried to infiltrate John McCain’s presidential campaign communications. But no one could decipher the smoke signals.

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Some are saying that Tim Pawlenty’s refusal to sign the anti-gay, anti-porn, anti-choice “Family Leader” pledge may doom him in Iowa. Since when did being intolerant to the point of “bat sh*t crazy” become a requirement for potential GOP Presidential candidates?

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And this is just tacky, but what the heck.

Brian Wilson was a major hit at the ESPY awards. Most Americans haven’t seen such an impressive beard since Katie Holmes.

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Gremlins

July 14, 2011

Yes, another back to back post.  (Thanks TC for noticing.)   Blame the late post of yesterday’s items on the gremlins in Brian Wilson’s beard.

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Open note to all baseball fans: If ANYTHING Brian Wilson does or wears shocks you, you haven’t been paying attention.

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New York GM Sandy Alderson said that the team is not giving up by trading Francisco Rodriguez. Yep, avid Mets watchers know the season was over at least a month ago.

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What’s with all these pledges Republican presidential candidates are signing these days, the “no-tax” pledge, the “Family Leader” pledge…? Guess the “Pledge of Allegiance” isn’t good enough anymore.

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USA women beat France Wednesday 3-1. And a lot of those bandwagon fans who celebrated the win over Brazil, said “Wait, there was another game?”

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According to the New York Times, an NCAA official told Auburn coach Gene Chizik that they are not done investigating the team’s football program and the recruitment of Cam Newton. So a question, when the Tigers vacate THEIR national championship, do they tear up the pictures of them at the White House with Obama?

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‎Twenty-eight months ago Bud Selig set up a “Blue Ribbon Committee” to look into a possible Oakland A’s move to San Jose. Last night after the All-Star game he said “No decision yet, they’re still studying it.” Almost 2 1/2 years later? Who’s chairing this committee- Brett Favre?

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From Marc Ragovin  – “So many players nowadays find excuses for not playing in the All Star game, it has become baseball’s equivalent of jury duty.”

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Kentucky’s first NASCAR event last weekend turned out to be a traffic disaster. Many fans were stuck in their cars for hours and didn’t even make it to the race. GOP gubernatorial candidate David Williams referred to the gridlock as a “national embarrassment for the state.” Almost as much as Mitch McConnell?

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Speaking of McConnell,  the Senate Minority Leader stated Wednesday in an interview about his debt ceiling strategy, that he has an “obligation” to his party not to be sucked into a “horrible position politically that would allow the president to get re-elected.” Yeah, what’s a little national default and global depression if the GOP can take back the White House?

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Bristol Palin is now saying of her family that “we have God on our side.” Ah, that explains it – God must have encouraged her to get drunk on wine coolers just to create another little Palin.

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Just rereading the “Family Leader” pledge for candidates. And wondering, when one of their adherents gets pregnant, do her friends throw her an ‘innocent fruit of conjugal intimacy” shower? (Yes, that is the term their pledge uses to describe children.)

And what of for, example, the “innocent fruit” of wine coolers. Do they not deserve protection too?

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Only 20 more shopping days…

July 14, 2011

Until the trade deadline.   Which made Tuesday night’s MLB All-Star game, for the Yankees, the equivalent of window shopping.

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Forget actually playing, three Yankees, A-Rod, Rivera, and Jeter didn’t even bother to show up with their All-Star team. Maybe they figured the home field advantage wouldn’t matter in the World Series, since New York won’t be there either.-

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Bud Selig defended Derek Jeter’s not even to attend the All Star Game tonight for a quick wave to the crowd, saying “There isn’t a player I’m more proud of in the last 15 years …I know why he is not here. I respect that and I must tell you that I think I would have made the same decision.” Then Selig called Yankee management and asked “Did I say that right?”

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Yet another example of why, no matter what team you root for, you have to like Pablo Sandoval. When told he was designated as the team’s utility player, and that he might have to catch in a pinch, the Giants’ third baseman responded “I’ll pitch too.”

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Sherwood Schwartz, the creator and theme song writer for both the “The Brady Bunch” and “Gilligan’s Island.” has died at the age of 94. Funeral arrangements are pending, but before the service of course, attendees will go on a “three hour tour.”

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ESPN is suing Ohio State University, for alleged violations of state public records law regarding denied requests for items related to the recent NCAA football investigation. University spokesman Jim Lynch says the university believes it has followed applicable law. And at this point, why should anyone doubt OSU’s credibility

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So now it appears that the scumbags at Murdoch’s papers in Britain were not only hacking murder victims and soldiers, but also the Prime Minister, the Queen, and who knows who else. When these guys get out of jail maybe the CIA or MI-5 should hire them, sounds like they could have traced down Bin Laden years ago.

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The IRS is going after the 23 year old cell-phone salesman who caught Derek Jeter’s 3000th hit, for $15,000 based on the value of what the Yankees gave him. Meanwhile, GM pays no taxes for 10 years. Is this a great country or what?

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TC from Canada has an interesting take on this. “Does he not get a deduction for the ball that he donated to Jeter?  Canadian tax law would allow you a trade off.  Once the ball clears the fence, it becomes public domain) Lopez didn’t get the tickets for the remainder of the season for “Nothing”. He gave Jeter the ball which could be worth close to a million$. It’s not a gift!!!!!! i’m not a tax expert for the US of A, but i’m guessing if Lopez has to pay, then so would Jeter. make sense?”)

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In his statement to Republicans in Congress, President Obama said “I do not see a path to a deal if the basic proposition is ‘it’s my way or the highway.'”   The GOP immediately responded, “Hey, wait a minute, we never said the highway was on the table.”

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Okay, here’s an idea for the Republicans who don’t want to tax “job creators.” How about a tax break for corporations ONLY for each living wage job they create right here in the USA.

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Derby time.

July 12, 2011

Open note to readers- back to back posts today because I clearly did not hit the “publish” button hard enough last night.

In any case….

So the Home Run Derby came down to Robinson Cano (Yankees), and Adrian Gonzalez (Red Sox.) New York vs. Boston. Are we sure we weren’t watching Fox’s regular Game of the Week?

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Sarah Palin may be a hockey mom, but I’m not sure she gets other sports. When asked if she had a prediction for the Home Run Derby, she apologized but said she really hadn’t kept up on what horses were running.

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In the MLB HomeRun Derby, Robinson Cano beat Adrian Gonzalez 12-11 to take the 2011 championship. As if we didn’t need another illustration of how good pitching can overcome no hitting, no player on the first-place San Francisco Giants has hit 12 home runs this YEAR. (Or 11, or 10 for that matter.)

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Meanwhile, despite being voted in by the fans,  Derek Jerek now says he is completely skipping the All-Star Game and festivities due to “physical and emotional exhaustion.” Regarding the fans who wanted to see him play, I guess as a Yankee Jeter figures, “Fine, they can just watch me in the World Series.”

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Construction crews plan to completely shut down several miles of the 405 Freeway in Los Angeles for more than two days this weekend. Which means during peak times, traffic will be moving at its usual speed.

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A Jet Blue airline crew found a stun gun in a seatback pocket while cleaning a plane in Newark Monday night. The flight had originated in Boston, but made other stops during the day. In related news, TSA said they did confiscate their daily thousand or so bottled waters.

The California Assembly passed a bill to ban the “import, production, distribution or retail sale of beer and related alcoholic beverages that have caffeine added.” The reason is because these sweet drinks are particularly popular with young people. Hope no one ever tells the kids you can mix, say, Rum and Coke.

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Newt Gingrich declined to sign the controversial 14-point “Family Leader” pledge, but would not give a reason other than it needing “across the board” changes. A Gingrich spokesman did say the marriage vow “needed to be shortened.” Yeah, as in taking out that little line about staying faithful to your spouse.

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