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Sarah, we – and the McCain staff – hardly knew ye…

November 18, 2009

Sarah Palin gave a lengthy interview to Oprah this week. No official comment on Oprah’s reaction, but one has to think she wondered “Where’s that guy whose shoulder I cried on when I REALLY need him?”

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Palin is now complaining that a Newsweek cover picture, showing her wearing a long-sleeved shirt and short-shorts, is “sexist.” The picture was taken for a photo spread in a running magazine. Maybe Newsweek isn’t paying her anything near like what Levi is getting.

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But one question, if Hillary Clinton had also posed in short-shorts for a magazine article on physical fitness, think only one other publication would have picked up the photo? For that matter Dick Cheney? (Although as a visual person I REALLY want both those last images out of my head.)

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Sarah Palin has been complaining about Levi Johnston running around the country with media appearances and neglecting his responsibilities as a father. Fair enough, but aren’t Sarah’s daughter’s Willow and Piper, who are with her on HER media tour, supposed to be in school now? (And no one ever sees Palin with her youngest son.)

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Sarah Palin said in a television interview that President Obama’s Nobel Prize was “premature.” And Palin should know about premature. Fortunately, her oldest son Track was healthy, despite being born only 7 1/2 months after Sarah and her husband Todd eloped.

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Bud Adams, the owner of the Tennessee Titans, was fined $250,000 for making an obscene gesture to opposing fans after his team’s win. By that standard they could balance the budget in Washington just by fining Redskins fans for the gestures they make to their own team.

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The BCS defends always picking SEC teams for the Championship games due to their “strength of schedule.” Ladies and gentleman, I bring you this week’s opponents for Florida and Alabama respectively – Florida International University and Chattanooga. Guess University of Phoenix wasn’t available.

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Hard luck Kansas City Royals pitcher Zack Greinke won the American League Cy Young, despite having only 16 wins to go with his 2.14 ERA. Not to worry, however, someday he will probably win 20 with a higher ERA. When he signs with the Yankees.

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I don’t often write “girl humor” but the next might qualify.

A British woman claims to have 300 orgasms a day. Women around the world want to know which chocolate company she works for.

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And lastly, for anyone who thinks THEY have a busy life. This paragraph from Tom Fitzgerald’s story in the SF Chronicle on Stanford football star Toby Gerhardt’s light academic quarter…

“The standard course load at Stanford is 15 credits. This quarter, Gerhart is taking 21. Then he’ll be three courses from his degree in management sciences and engineering. He’s taking investment science, integral calculus, introduction to optimization (engineering), prehistoric archaeology and high-technology entrepreneurship.”

Oh, and next quarter, besides classes, he can go back to his other “hobby” – being a starting outfielder on the Stanford baseball team. (His freshman year he hit a home run in the College World Series.)

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Approaching Friday the 13th…

November 13, 2009

It hasn’t been a lucky month for the airlines. A pilot showed up to work drunk on United, pilots got distracted and lost on Northwest…. It’s enough to make people take their chances on Amtrak.

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Thursday night football has generally been a showcase for two good but not great college teams. Which might explain why the NFL started off their Thursday night schedule with the Bears vs. 49ers.

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As part of a “Go Green” program, NBC will have a pro-environmental message on five of its prime-time entertainment programs next week.

Actually, NBC has been the greenest of the major networks for some time now. When watching their shows, more people turn off the television.

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There’s got to be an updated way to start a rhetorical question beyond “If we can put a man on the moon why can’t we…” But until I can think of a new question “If we can put a man on the moon, why can’t a nice hotel find a supplier of alarm clocks that mere mortals can actually use?”

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Health insurance companies are urging their employees to fight healthcare reform. In related news, the New York Yankees are against a Major League Baseball salary cap.

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Three freshman football players from the University of Tennessee were arrested and charged with attempted armed robbery this week. One reason police were able to track them down, the alleged robbers were wearing Tennessee gear.

Yeah, let’s hear it again why we can’t have a college football playoff to help the players focus on academics.

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Boise State is selling stock in their athletic programs. $100 a share. No dividends, but shareholders will get a stock certifcate and be able to vote during board elections..

At this point the cash-strapped University of California is considering a similar program for their football team. But given the Bears’ recent disappointing performance, the offering would be considered junk bonds.

(this above joke may be substituted with Michigan, Notre Dame, or any other team any reader loves to hate.)

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Personal responsibility, ethics and other jokes.

November 12, 2009

So Carrie Prejean says she was “pressured” into having breast implants, and made a sex tape just to please a boyfriend. Now the former Miss California hopes Americans will buy her book where she talks about standing up for herself….

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Carrie Prejean says she’s been “Palinized,” and talked to Larry King about the “trials conservative women have to face.” Anybody beside me want to give Palin and Prejean a biography of Maggie Thatcher? Lesson one – “Don’t whine.”

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But maybe Larry King was just a little mesmerized by the former beauty pageant winner. He allegedly said afterwards that Prejean was the most impressive conservative woman he has interviewed since Carry Nation.

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Eliot Spitzer, the formerly disgraced, former Governor of New York, is now giving a lecture on ethics at Harvard. You know standards might be falling just a bit when ethical behavior means paying fair market value for a prostitute.

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But back to California, another of those stories you can’t make up – Damon Dunn, age 33, a former NFL player, is now running for Secretary of State. What’s one of the main jobs for the Secretary of State? Running elections. Mr. Dunn has never run for office before, but he says has voted, exactly ONCE. In 2009.

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Let’s see, Meg Whitman, running for Governor, admits to a voting record that is spotty at best. Carly Fiorina, running for Senate, has probably voted even less. And now Damon Dunn, running for Secretary of State, has voted exactly once. What’s the Republican plan here, saving money by eliminating ballots and returning to a Monarchy?

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Or perhaps Whitman, Fiorina and Dunn considering their lack of voting another example of the superiority of the private sector. Why vote when you can just buy the winners?

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Mike Tyson was arrested at Los Angeles International Airport for punching a photographer at the United Airlines ticket counter. Which was really surprising. Normally the only people who make people want to punch them at the airport work for the airlines.

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Major League Baseball has started announcing all their awards – Gold Gloves, MVPs, Cy Youngs, etc… Or as the New York Yankees call them – our shopping list.
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the next two are a little tacky. In case by some accident there are people with delicate sensibilities reading this blog. (Hah)

Carrie Prejean, dropped her lawsuit against the Miss California pageant when attorneys revealed an explicit video of Prejean performing solo sex acts. As Alex Kaseberg said “Let’s just say it looks like Prejean took it literally when pageant officials told her to go screw herself.”

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But maybe we should give Ms. Prejean the benefit of the doubt. She believes in traditional marriage. Which for a lot of people after a few years ends up meaning solo sex. Maybe it was a training video.

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Finally, back to sports from Bill Littlejohn. “Well, looking at Sammy Sosa’s skin lately, it’s obvious he’s still comfortable around the bleachers.”

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Baseball…beyond the World Series.

November 6, 2009

With the Yankees winning in six games, the World Series was finally completed November 5. The good news for Cubs’ fans. It’s less time to wait until “next year.”

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Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum was apparently caught smoking marijuana. This is the most shocking news since Adam Lambert announced he was gay.

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Does the arrest make Lincecum the acknowledged master of the high strike?

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Joe Giraldi wore number 27 as Yankees manager because he made it a goal to win the team’s 27th championship. This doesn’t always work out so easily. But it explains why Leo Durocher managing the Cubs always wore number 2.

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Yankees fans will tell you that the team won not because of money, but because of good management, team chemistry, hard work….. Yes, and the 65 year old men sitting in the box seats with 25 year old women will tell you the gals are with them because of their sparkling personalities.

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The Yankees’ victory parade will be November 13. Moving Bud Selig just a little closer to his goal of combining it with the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

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They expect record crowds to line the streets, mostly because most New Yorkers no longer have jobs to go to as an alternative.

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At least the parade will be free, which means it will also be the first chance most New Yorkers will have this year to see the team in person.

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Sometimes no punchline will do a story justice. The following is an AP story reported at sfgate.com link included to show I am not making it up.

An Ohio man dressed as a Breathalyzer test for Halloween found himself blowing into one after police stopped him for allegedly driving the wrong way without headlights on a one-way street. Oxford police said they stopped 20-year-old James P. Miller on Halloween night and found beer in his front seat and in the trunk.

Police said Miller blew 0.158 percent on a Breathalyzer test. He was cited on charges including operating a vehicle while intoxicated, underage possession of alcohol, having an open container and a fake ID, and a one-way street violation.

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As she kicked off her Senate campaign, Carly Fiorina criticized Washington by saying ‘What is it they are doing with all our money?” Funny, that’s the same thing shareholders said when she was in charge of HP.

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World Series question of the night..

November 5, 2009

“The New York Yankees, you’ve just won the World Series, what are you going to do now?”
“We’re going to buy Disneyland.”

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By the way, for all Yankees fans gloating about their well-managed and well designed team, a few stats:

Counting their 11 post season wins, the Yankees won 114 games. With a payroll of $208 million.

The Minnesota Twins won 87 games with a payroll of $67 million.

Heck, if we’re talking value the Pittsburgh Pirates won 62 games with a payroll of $25 million.

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And nothing against Hidecki Matsui, who is a great hitter. But it doesn’t dispel a team’s mercenary image with hardcore baseball fans when your World Series MVP is a $13 million a year pure DH (Designated Hitter) who in his seventh year with the team still doesn’t even speak English.

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L.A. pitcher Vincente Padilla apparently had a hunting accident and shot himself in the leg. As opposed that big bucks two-year deal for Manny Ramirez, which was the Dodgers shooting themselves in the foot..

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This inspired by Paul Seaburn who noted that “police in Tamarac, Florida, are looking for a man who has robbed the same bank four times in the past year”

The only folks who rob a bank that regularly are usually that bank’s executives

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The new Dallas Football Classic Bowl game, which will replace the Cotton Bowl, will kickoff on New Year’s Day 2011. The inaugural game, which will probably remain one of the first of the day, will feature the seventh-place team from the Big 12 against the sixth-placed team from the Big Ten. Seventh-place vs. sixth place – now there’s a reason to get up early with a hangover.

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Carly Fioriana just announced her campaign for the Senate in California. Which is great news. For Barbara Boxer.

Of course she’s about innovation. And in her speech promised “No new taxes.” Now there’s a fresh idea. And nothing could go wrong there.

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Sarah Palin campaigned hard for Conservative candidate Doug Hoffman in the heavily Republican 23rd Congressional district in New York. And she has since received countless invitations to campaign in 2010 for more Republicans. From Democrats.

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Note to frustrated sports fans everywhere. It could be worse. You could be a Maple Leafs fan. (If you are a Maple Leafs fan, skip this one.)

Their record through 13 games – 1-7-5. Thats one win, seven regular losses, and five additional overtime losses.

And commie pinko alert.

Following the defeat of a law allowing gay marriage in Maine. Maybe we’re going about this the wrong way. Maybe the way to pass gay marriage is to say “Why should gay couples get a free ride, they can declare as partners without the legal hassles, tax penalties, possible divorce issues, that hetrosexual couples face. Let’s REQUIRE that they get married for partner benefits.”

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Swinging in the Rain…..

October 28, 2009

Actually, “Swinging in the Rain” could be the headline in Philadelphia papers after the Phillies 6-1 win.

As opposed to the headling in the New York papers “Swinging and missing in the rain.”

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Bud Selig defended his decision to extend the post-season at the request of Fox Sports, despite the lousy weather for many of the playoff series. If this keeps up, stay tuned in a few years for the MLB World Series -advent calendar.

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In World Series game one, Phillies pitcher Cliff Lee threw a game for the ages. In game two, Pedro Martinez hopes to throw one for the aged.

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Shocking new poll. 7 out of 10 Americans think Sarah Palin is not qualified to be President. That means 3 out of 10 actually think she is.

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Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt has fired his estranged wife Jamie as the team’s chief executive, alleging that among other thing, she had an affair with her bodyguard. Maybe he’s just jealous that during the NLCS, Jamie may have scored more than the Dodgers.

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California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman skipped her fourth GOP debate tonight. Wonder why she would do that? Because, debates are considered to be important and a major factor in decision-making by most regular voters. Oops, never mind.

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Awaiting the Winter Classic.

October 26, 2009

Yet another example of why we all love the Yankees….

C.C. Sabathia, after New York won the ALCS “It’s not really a surprise that we are here.

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Makes sense now that they are the Los Angeles Angels instead of the California Angels. More “E’s

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Questions of the day.

What’s more likely?

President Obama getting more than 1 or 2 Senate Republicans to vote for his healthcare bill.

or

The Washington Redskins winning another game this season?

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First Steve Phillips was fired for his latest affair with a young staffer, after basically leaving the Mets for the same reason. Now Bob Griese has been suspended for a stupid racial remark about NASCAR driver Juan Pablo Montoya. Is it time to change the network’s slogan to “Expect Something Puerile Nightly?”

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According to his publicist, fired ESPN analyst Steve Phillips has checked himself into a rehab center and is “not a sleazebag.” So what makes a man someone who “just needs help” and not a sleazebag? Apparently having the money for rehab.

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So the Northwest pilots’ latest excuse is that they were working on their laptops on “crew scheduling.” Wonder what “crew scheduling” is the code for – porn or “Freecell?”

And if they actually were distracted because the crew scheduling was complicated, what happens when they have to do something even more complicated. Like reading a 757’s instruction manual?

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The Pac 10 today suspended an official for missing a personal foul/face mask call in the USC-Oregon State game. After a OSU touchdown, USC safety Taylor Mays basically ripped the receiver’s helmet off. No word from the Trojans on any disciplinary action for Mays. Maybe the school’s initials should be UCS, University of Cheap Shots.

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Commie pinko thought of the night.

If government messes everything up and the public option is such a bad idea, how come we aren’t hearing about all the demonstrations from seniors who want to be released from Medicare?

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America’s team?

October 24, 2009

If anyone doubts who the national media expects and wants in the World Series, check out this headline from SI.com -“An Angels win in Game 6 would likely limit CC Sabathia to two World Series starts.”

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So the Obama adminstration wants to limit salaries when corporations take government money. Since their new stadium used some public funds, we may have just found a way to rein in the Yankees.

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A woman gave birth on a flight over Malaysia. The airline, Air Asia, will give her and her son free flights for life. In the U.S. they would have charged her for an extra carry-on.

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The first explanation from the Northwest pilots who missed Minneapolis was that they were engaged in a “heated discussion” about airline policy. If so, what policy? The one that tells them to ask for directions? Or read a map? Or has the airline started charging pilots for their onboard happy hour?

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Stand by for more excuses for the pilots. Maybe they would have been better off saying they were distracted by a little boy flying past in a balloon.

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Some people cannot believe the two male pilots could be completely oblivious to all communications for an hour and 20 minutes. These people have clearly not observed enough men watching the second half of a close football game.

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And as mentioned yesterday, the indecision on landing in Minneapolis does suggest Brett Favre might have been involved. Since the plane overshot the airport by 150 miles, however, Bill Littlejohn suggests that the NFL player in the cockpit might have been JaMarcus Russell.

But had it been Russell, the FAA would have had no problem intercepting them.

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Mayumi Heene, the wife of “balloon boy” dad Richard Heene, now says the whole incident was a hoax. Her husband still maintains that he has been telling the truth. I don’t know about a reality show, but maybe they could compete with Jon and Kate on a new version of “Family Feud.”

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The Washington Redskins have announced Jim Zorn will remain their coach through the end of the season. Translation, they can’t find anyone else to take the job.

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Representative Alan Grayson of Florida recently referred to former Vice President Cheney as a “vampire.” The comment has earned Grayson a fair amount of criticism, but perhaps none angrier than from the Vampire Anti-Defamation League.

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A few weak jokes for a weak douchebag:

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So Steve Phillips, suspended from his job at ESPN because of a sex scandal with a 22 year old assistant, had to take a leave from his previous job with the Mets because of a sex scandal and a confession of “multiple affairs” there too.

Maybe he thought ESPN stood for Extramartial Sex Preferred Nightly?

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No word yet on if Steve will confess to multiple affairs at the network too. Though perhaps among the women who work in Bristol. a possible new topic of water cooler conversation is “Ever Seen Phillips Naked?

Yo, Steve, it’s PLAYS of the week. Not Player of the Week.

Kind of ironic though, ESPN is the network that at first refused to report on the rape allegations against Ben Roethlisberger.
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First Letterman with his production assistants, now Phillips with his production assistant. Wonder how many networks received a call today about potentially hosting a show from Bill Clinton?

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As we approach the World Series.

October 21, 2009

One question, we’ve already had sub-freezing weather in Denver, and games played in the low 40s in Philadelphia and New York. Maybe it’s time to rename the World Series the “Winter Classic?”

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With friends like these…

Ohio State receiver DeVier Posey is a good friend of embattled quarterback Terrelle Pryor. (Pryor committed four turnovers during the Buckeyes’ upset loss to Purdue.) Said Posey of Pryor – “He’s going to get better. He really can’t do much worse.”

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To be fair, Posey probably didn’t see Kerry Collins’ performance last weekend for the Tennessee Titans.

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Cedric Benson believes his ex-team, the Chicago Bears, did all they could to keep him from signing with Cincinnati by passing on negative information to the Bengals – presumably like his stats.

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The Southeastern Conference suspended the officiating crew from last weekend’s Arkansas-Florida game for at least three weeks. This after the crew blew their second major call this year. Is it too late to put the SEC in charge of Major League Baseball’s postseason?

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The Yankees are scoffing at allegations that closer Mariano Rivera has been cheating by throwing a spitball. A team spokesman said they intend to buy this World Series fair and square.

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After his ex-mistress, 22, started phoning his wife, ESPN analyst Steve Phillips called polce saying “I have extreme concerns about the health and safety of my kids and myself.” Somehow I don’t see this putting him in the finals for the “concerned father of the year award.

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ALCS and beyond..

October 20, 2009

It’s a close call. Who’s doing more sleepwalking through the ALCS. The Angels, or the umpires?

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On the other hand, the New York Yankees are making a strong case that they might be the best billion dollar team ever put together in baseball.

(And the billion dollars, no joke, when you add up the combined guaranteed contracts. $200 million is just this year…before the trade deadline)
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Tacky alert:

A-Rod seems to have rejuvenated his post-season career now that he is dating Kate Hudson. Wonder how many World Series the Yankees might have won had he earlier started dating Goldie Hawn instead of Madonna?

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Useless fact of the day: For all the pre-LCS talk about a Freeway Series, it is actually faster to get between Philadelphia and New York by train, than between Los Angeles and Anaheim by car.

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A Colorado toddler was denied insurance for being underweight. Which means without healthcare reform America will become a country with a whole underclass of uninsured supermodels.

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Actually if being underweight is a reason for current health insurance companies to deny insurance, this is a great way for Obama to get the men of America behind his reform plan – otherwise all the Victoria’s Secret Models and Playboy Bunnies will flee to Canada.

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The Obama adminstration has announced they will not go after medicinal marijuana users who are complying with state laws. So marijuana use will still be illegal, but in these cases the law won’t be enforced. Sort of like travelling in the NBA.

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Sarah Palin will be appearing on “Oprah” in November to promote her new book. Why the delay? Someone apparently told former Governor Palin that to promote a book you’re supposed to have written, you actually need to have read it.
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And the American Society of Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) has finally gotten around to expelling Dr Michael Kamrava, the “octo-doctor who was Nayda Suleman’s fertility specialist. They declined, however, to give an reason for his expulsion. Let’s see, he implanted six embroyos (two of which split) in an unwed, unemployed, 33 year old mother of six? What was the ASRM’s first clue?

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Some things are just WRONG….

October 17, 2009

Like playing the theme from “Rocky” for the bottom of the 12th in Yankee Stadium. Yeah, nothing says underdog like the $201 million payroll Yankees.

Of course, if the Angels keep making all these errors, they may have to register as an official New York charity.

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As Brett Favre prepares for the Ravens-Vikings game, at least he doesn’t have to worry about shopping for Halloween candy. What self-respecting kid wants to wait for the answer to “trick or treat.?”

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Okay, let’s see, who predicted this one? The best college football team in Ohio this year is now unquestionably the undefeated Cincinnati Bearcats.

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Major League Baseball is excusing their postseason umpiring mistakes by saying that six umpires are on the disabled list. But the explanation isn’t clear – are those six working the games or not?

So it turns out “balloon boy” Falcon never really got off the ground. Stay tuned for the announcement of his sponsorship deal with JetBlue.

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Lebron James hasn’t been playing in pre-season games for the Cavs due to a suspected case of H1N1. This wouldn’t be a problem for Kobe Bryant. He never passes on anything.

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It’s a rough year to be a sports fan in Toronto. Tonight, the CFL Argonauts became the first team to be officially eliminated from the playoffs. The Maple Leafs may follow in a few weeks.

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The Toronto Maple Leafs have started the season 0-7. During the second intermission of their most recent loss, Air Canada Centre’s PA system started playing the Beatles’ “Help.” Maybe it would have been more appropriate to play Neil Young’s “Helpless.”

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Ben Burnett reminds us that Microsoft’s next operating system, Windows 7, comes out on Thursday, October 22. So for those hoping to install it, call tech support now and get on hold now.
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Rush to judgment.

October 14, 2009

Apparently Rush Limbaugh has been dropped from the group of investors trying to buy the St. Louis Rams. This will help assure that the biggest losers associated with the Rams remain on the field.

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Regarding the opposition to letting Rush Limbaugh become a part-owner of the St. Louis Rams. To be fair, maybe the NFL felt it would be uncomfortable for Rush to be around all those liberals at the owners’ meetings.

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Yankees fans maintain their team has done so well this year, not because of their over $200 million payroll, but because of sound management. Yeah, and David Letterman would have still had all those women if he were a starving standup comic in Brooklyn.

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There are rumors that the Bills may trade T.O. to the Bears. Oh, come on, with the Olympics, Cubs and White Sox, haven’t sports fans in Chicago suffered enough?

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Today the San Francisco Giants fired their hitting coach. Which comes as a shock to most fans. The Giants HAD a hitting coach?

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John McCain’s chief campaign strategist said of their choice of Sarah Palin – “I believe to this day that had she not been picked as a vice presidential candidate, we would have never been ahead, not for one second, not for one minute, not for one hour, not for one day.”

Which is about as often as they ended up ahead with her.

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City officials of Hiroshima and Nagasaki are planning a bid to jointly host the 2020 Olympics. Says Marc Ragovin: “I’m telling ya, there is gonna be a lot of fallout over this.”

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About that Louvre Pyramid…

October 4, 2009

McDonald’s is opening a branch at the Louvre. Yes, in Paris.

Guess that pyramid out front is not a food pyramid

Rumor has it that many of the French are fried.

Will McDonald’s Louvre slogan be “McNifique?”

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Some criticize Obama for flying to Copenhagen to lobby for the Olympics, but hey, it’s not like a few hours last week would have changed anything on healthcare. Now, trying to have a relationship discussion with a sports fan partner tonight in Minnesota or Wisconson…THAT would be stupid

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Alex Rodriguez drove in seven runs in the Yankees regular season finale. Putting him on pace for an October total of eight.
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Todd Palin has resigned his job. Most Americans are shocked. They didn’t realize he had one.

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Great news in Cincinnati. The 3-1 Bengals have more wins than arrests.

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Terrell Owens says he is in a “no-win” situation in Buffalo. Wonder how long it is until T.O. realizes he IS a no-win situation.

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The Washington Redskins’ first three opponents in October. The Buccaneers, the Panthers and the Chiefs, currently with ZERO wins between them. A schedule like that might not even get you BCS consideration.

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Even Boise State is saying “Way to schedule those creampuffs.”

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Headline? “New Orleans Saints turn high-flying Jets into Jets Blue.”

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Was trying to come up with a punchline on this one, think my buddy Jim Barach has the “topper.”

A book says that Ted Williams’ frozen head was abused at the cryogenics lab where it was stored. Apparently the technicians went so far as to put a frozen Yankees hat on it.

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Referees and rogues.

September 30, 2009

The NBA plans to open the preseason tomorrow with replacement referees. The players are appalled, what if the inexperienced refs do something drastically different – like call travelling.

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The newest college football bowl game, starting in 2010, will be the Yankee Bowl, at Yankee Stadium. Fans interested in tickets are encouraged to start taking out loans now.

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The Yankee Bowl will be the 35th in the Football Bowl Subvision (aka D1), which means that 70 out of 120 Division 1 teams will see post season action. Who does the NCAA think they are – the NBA?

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The Yankee Bowl may also have a parade. If so, a front-runner for the grandmarshall’s job has to be Alex Rodriguez. Since the grand marshall’s role is generally the same as A-Rod’s in the postseason – doing absolutely nothing.

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The tabloids are full of the rumors that Khloe Karadashian’s wedding to Lamar Odom may have been a fake. When asked, 20 percent of Americans said they believed it was real, 20 percent said it was a sham, and 60 percent said “Who the heck is Khloe Kardashian?”

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Sarah Palin finished writing her book – “Going Rogue” -ahead of schedule, and it will be released November 17. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden is working on his own book. And he is almost finished with page 300. Of the first chapter.

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Sarah Palin’s book, before publication, is already number one on Amazon.com’s list. In fact, the book is selling so well that the Kennedy family is thinking of subtitling Ted’s posthumous memoir “Going Brogue.”

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Sarah Palin’s book is already number one on Amazon.com’s sales list. Of course, many of these books are no doubt being purchased as giveaways to be used for political propaganda. By the Democrats.

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Palin’s part of the book is finished, now apparently the publisher is rushing to do the final editing, including fact checking. Why start now?

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University of New Mexico administrators are investigating a fight where football coach Mike Locksley allegedly struck an assistant. The coach could be suspended or fined. Or worse yet, he could be sentenced to coach the Oakland Raiders.

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A study at the University of Chicago says that playing sports makes people smarter. Of course, the number one sport at the University of Chicago? Chess.

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A study at the University of Chicago says that playing sports makes people smarter. And if there’s any University where they should really know sports….. oh, never mind.

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Great comment from Alex Kaseberg. “Wow, can you imagine where Michael Vick would be if he hadn’t played football.”

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A recent study showed a higher incidence of dementia among men who played NFL football. Presumably one of the first clues was “signing with the Oakland Raiders.”

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Out of the mouths of idiots? On the new Jay Leno show during the “Battle of the Jaywalk All Stars, Leno asked “Who elects the president?” One gal answered “Florida.”

Commie pinko alert:

Ted Kennedy would be appalled at all of this bad behavior, but really, what’s the difference between “die quickly” and “death panels?

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Watching him dance with “Baby”, we had the time of our life

September 15, 2009

R.I.P Patrick Swayze. Even if heaven is full of sexy, classy men, no one will put him in a corner

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Kanye West, Joe Wilson, Serena Williams. Good thing the founding fathers aren’t around to tweak the Bill of Rights. They might rethink that “freedom of speech” thing.

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The Iraqi man who threw a shoe at President Bush has been released from prison. One of his potential next moves? Recording a CD titled “Sole Man.”

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The Iraqi shoe-thrower said he was tortured in prison. What did his captors do? Make him listen to Biden speeches?

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Despite all the supposedly enhanced long-balls during the “Steroid Era”, the season Home Run record has already been broken this year at Yankee Stadium. Proving performance enhancing drugs are no match for stupid stadium construction.

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Sarah Palin’s speech to an investor’s group in Hong Kong will be closed to the media. But the former governor says she isn’t ducking journalists, in fact, she promises to have a printed transcript made of her remarks both in English and Hong Kong-ese.

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How do you Twitter that Twitter is down…?

August 7, 2009

Twitter and Facebook were both down on Thursday morning. In a stunning development, millions of teenagers were forced to actually talk to each other.

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Twitter and Facebook were both down for a while Thursday morning. Which meant that millions of Americans had to remember how to drive with both hands on the wheel.

Our appendixes have evolved into a useless body part over the years. Does that mean if Twitter, texts, Facebook and other sites continue to grow, that someday vocal cords will be in the same category.

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Twitter was shut down this morning when their servers were overwhelmed by an attack. Either that or it was Joe Biden trying to share one of his speeches, 140 characters at a time.

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Bud Black, manager of the last place San Diego Padres, just signed a contract extension for 2010. Black professed himself “excited and flattered.” The Padres said they were excited and flattered that anyone would take the job.

Question for the day. If so many over-the-counter supplements are tainted with steroids, why don’t more Americans appear to be in better shape?

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One argument against steroids is that they take away from otherwise level playing field in Major League Baseball. In other news, today, the Yankees traded for yet another $2 million backup starting pitcher.

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David Ortiz will call a press conference Saturday to discuss his positive 2003 test results. Early favorites in the pool include “a tainted supplement,” “borrowed from a teammate” and “I forget how speak English.”

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Guillermo Mota of the Dodgers and Prince Fielder of the Brewers were both fined after Mota hit Fielder with a pitch Wednesday, and the Milwaukee first basemanl tried to come after the pitcher in the Los Angeles dugout. One question to Mota, who apparently hit Fielder in retaliation for Manny Ramirez being grazed by a pitcher earlier.. “if you were going for payback, wouldn’t it have been smarter not to hit the biggest player on the team?”

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From Bill Littlejohn.

Antigua’s highest peak was renamed Mount Obama, after the U.S. President. Before the Gates-Crowley affair, it was just a molehill”

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Where is Kate… and Jon plus ?

July 24, 2009

Somehow father of eight Jon Gosselin has turned into quite the eligible guy, dating a series of twenty something young women. One as young as 22. If this keeps up, will his show be Jon plus 8? Or rather, Jon plus 18 year olds?

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Vincente Padilla of the Texas Rangers has swine flu but will pitch through it as “apparently” he is not contagious. Maybe to be safe, the Rangers should trade Padilla to the Nationals, they can’t catch anything.

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A fan has settled with the New York Yankees for $10,000 after he was ejected from Yankee Stadium for going to the bathroom during the National Anthem. The settlement will almost cover the cost of his attending a future Yankees game.

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There’s a puzzling mystery at NBA headquarters. Apparently for some reason people from Nike have destroyed all tapes and records of the 2007 NBA finals.

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This is the time of year when star baseball players are traded from cellar dwellers to contending teams, although most of them manage to be gracious in their departures. But really, such trades in country music parlance are like your wife leaving you but she also leaves you the pickup truck, the dog, and a refrigerator full of beer.

(and yes, that’s a sexist joke, but I’m a woman. So I can make it.)

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President Obama has invited Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates, Jr, and Cambridge Policeman James Crowley to get together with him and discuss the situation over a beer. When asked where, Obama reportedly replied, “Anywhere but Yankee Stadium, I can’t afford it.”
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And finally from the very funny Alex Kaseberg:

“A Missouri car dealer is offering new truck buyers a free AK-47 automatic weapon. In other words, he is inviting people – during tough economic times – to come to his business and providing them with a lethal weapon as well as a means of escape.

What could possibly go wrong?”

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Michelle and Barack’s Date Night

June 1, 2009

President Obama has been criticized for taking his wife to New York City for a dinner and Broadway show.  But come on,  Barack didn’t do anything ridiculously extravgant, like taking Michelle to a Yankees game.

 

Randy Johnson will be going for his 300th win when he takes the mound against the Washington Nationals.  Which is an incredible accomplishment.  300 wins.. as of today that’s three more than the Nationals.   (True, on June 1 in their fifth year, Washington only has 297 wins.) 

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Jamie Moyer, 46, just got his 250th win.  So means he too could end up with 300 wins,  maybe if he only pitches until 50.  Which curiously enough is now the speed of his fastball.

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The Octomom has signed a contract for a reality show.    Which might be the first time Nayda Sulelman and reality have been used in the same sentence.

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The Octomom has signed a contract  for a reality show.   But isn’t Nadya Suleman hosting a reality show like George W. Bush hosting “Are you smarter than a fifth grader?”

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Some worry that President Obama’s Supreme Court pick Sonia Sotomayor is such a champion of the underdog, that she will never be able to make a decision in favor of the rich and privileged.   How can they worry?  The woman is a Yankees fan.

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Yankees jokes – is that becoming redundant?

May 9, 2009

You have to wonder, how many people in New York lost money in bank stocks or with Madoff, but had to figure, one solid investment would be their Yankees season tickets.

Especially when they sold their expected playoff tickets.

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New Yorkers faced a tough decision in a poll last week asking who they would prefer to have as governor.  Disgraced former governor Eliot Spitzer, or unpopular current governor David Paterson.  Many complained it was like being asked to chose between the Yankees and the Mets.

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One name that has moved up about 10,000 places on the most popular baby name list – Barack.    One name that has probably moved down about 10,000 places  – Bernie.

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The new Star Trek movie is being billed as “not your father’s Star Trek.”  Which is shocking.  Trekkies fathered children?

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As a political statement, Kenyan women have vowed to abstain from sex with their husbands.  One frustrated man has already filed a lawsuit..  Wonder if his lawyer will be John Edwards?

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Bud Selig says he plans to talk to the Yankees and Mets since he has noticed their unsold seats.    Okay, so the guy notices unsold seats, but didn’t notice anything was going on during the steroid era?

Even by teenager standards, this is selective attention.

But let’s see, want to fill the stands with people… what would do it…I don’t know, maybe sluggers suddenly going on home run binges ?   Wonder how Selig could help that happen?

 

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As the 2009 San Francisco Giants were shut out, AGAIN, this time by the Los Angeles Dodgers, a question comes to mind:

What’s the difference between the Giants and their website?

The website regularly gets some hits.

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From an IGA in Cincinnati, Ohio, from an elderly white man to a woman(my friend)  in front of him in line.

“You know, some said pigs would fly before we had a black president, and guess what?  Swine flew.”

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Manny Ramirez was caught taking women’s fertility drugs.  Some people are never satisfied.  It’s not enough to be one of the top sluggers  in baseball, he wanted to be Octomom.

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President Obama received good reviews for his comic performance at the White House Correspondents’ dinner.  But really, how can you doubt the sense of humor of someone who gave us Joe Biden?

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In Miami, a popular Catholic priest, Alberto Cutié admitted last week that he is in a relationship and in  love with a divorced woman with a 14 year old son.

The Vatican reaction was mixed. half think it’s a major sin, the other half are just glad he’s not in a relationship with the son.

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Beyond swine flu…sports flus…

May 5, 2009

Okay, maybe the swine flu worries are calming down just a bit.

But what about these potential new sports flus?

 

Sharks flu – Fever builds over the winter, but it fizzles out by May.

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Yankees flu – hits at ballparks, seems to empty out the seats around home plate.

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Kobe Bryant flu – very strong, but no one ever seems to pass it on.

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San Francisco Giants flu – Could potentially be dangerous but hasn’t really hit anyone yet.

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Mine the Bird flu  – You’ve never heard of it before, but you can’t catch it.

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Brett Favre flu – Particularly persistent strain,  started in Wisconsin, spread to New York, and just when you think it’s finally gone, it pops up again in Minnesota.

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Alex Rodriguez flu –  Not as drug resistant as first thought, and it tips you off when it’s coming.

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