Posted tagged ‘USC jokes’

Dignity, what dignity?

July 28, 2010

Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell criticized Barack Obama for agreeing to appear on “the View” because he feels “there should be a little bit of dignity to the presidency.” Right, after George W. Bush who gave the German Chancellor a neck rub, and Bill Clinton, who, well, do we really need to go there…?-

The scandal continues in Bell, California, where top city officials were paid hundreds of thousands a year while the small town cut services and low-wage jobs. Normally the only people who are that overpaid in Southern California have signed long-term contracts with the Dodgers.

(or are named Lane Kiffin)

Lane Kiffin said he was surprised that the Titans are suing him over his stealth hiring of their former assistant coach, saying “I didn’t anticipate this. No one would have.” Sounds like the Trojans found a true successor to Pete Carroll.

But let’s see here, seriously, Carroll alleges he was perhaps the only person in the world who didn’t know that USC was probably going on probation for recruiting violations. Kiffin now says he might have been the only person in football who didn’t realize he was committing several violations in hiring Kennedy Pola from the Titans.

So is it time to change the name of the school to University of the Seriously Clueless?


Despite his mother’s having paid an “Unaccompanied Minor” fee, a 9 year old boy travelling from SF was forgotten in a children’s waiting room at O’Hare for almost 8 hours when no one came to pick him up for his Chicago Ottawa flight. Is this what United calls a “minor” problem?


No word on the rumor that United’s Airline’s alleged first response was “You paid an unaccompanied minor fee…we left him unaccompanied.”


Baseball players already face derision from players of other sports as not being “real athletes.” While I would disagree with that assessment, it would help if players would avoid injuries while doing things like putting on their shirts and hitting teammates with shaving cream pies.


Meanwhile on a more serious note, this year, all NFL team locker rooms with have a poster saying that players should report concussions or symptoms, and warning that repeated concussions “can change your life and your family’s life forever.” How about a simpler and more to the point message? “Playing football is hazardous to your health.”

But okay, once again, who came up with the baseball statistic “Quality Start?” (6 or more innings, 3 or less earned runs.) That’s a 4.50 ERA folks. It’s like saying .250 is a “Quality Batting Average.”

Sarah Palin and Kate Gosselin are apparently going to go on a camping trip to be filmed for an episode of Kate’s new TLC reality show. Wonder what the episode will be titled? “Dumb and Dumber” has already been taken. (My friend Michael Duca suggests, “Twit and Twitter.)

Ohio State University says former football star Maurice Clarett has been granted admission again to complete his degree after he spent more than three years in prison.

Things will be a little different on campus for the man who once led the Buckeyes to a national championship….wonder if anyone’s told him yet about books and classes.

The real criteria for being a BCS conference…?

July 22, 2010

It’s beginning to look like…do you have bribe-worthy players?

Alabama coach Nick Saban is plenty upset about all the recent stories of NCAA investigations due to behavior by sports agents. In fact, he questioned during SEC media days, that how were some of these agents “any better than a pimp?”

Saban’s comments immediately drew fire, from insulted pimps.


So USC is returning their copy of Reggie Bush’s Heisman trophy, but not their copy of O.J. Simpson’s trophy. Apparently killing two people pales in comparison to the far greater crime of getting the Trojans put on probation.


Tiger Woods’ endorsements are apparently down about $22 million this year. So okay, to be real, most advertisements are really selling sex, or the lure of having sex. But apparently there can be too much of a good thing?


Final Jeopardy question tonight.

Who is the only U.S. president who actually has degrees (not honorary degrees,) from both Harvard and Yale.)


Sarah Palin likes to refer to many of her chosen November candidates as “Mama Grizzlies.” Is this the best idea? Don’t grizzlies go into hibernation and disappear around November?


The latest potential Palin-Shakespeare colloboration? “Alas, poor Yorick, I knew him well,, or at least I could see him regularly from my house.”


Or perhaps on the Johnson-Palin family feud’ Two households, both alike in selling their dignity. In fair Wasilla where we lay our scene…”

Nevada Senate candidate Sharron Angle has proposed phasing out Social Security and Medicare, reinstating Prohibition, and getting rid of fluoride in drinking water. She also says she believes she gains very little from conducting interviews with the “mainstream media.” Okay, on that I agree with her.


After the Twilight Zone game on Tuesday night, Dodgers manager Joe Torre had to serve a one-game suspension Wednesday against the Giants. But I heard he left a nice new copy of the MLB rulebook in the dugout.


An actual serious question (yes, once in a while, why not?) I know sometimes passengers need to move around. But after yet another incident where sudden, severe turbulence resulted in a number of injuries aboard a United Airlines plane, why does ANYONE still sit in their airline seat with their seatbelt off?


And back to jokes. This was the third United flight that dropped suddenly due to turbulence since February. United Airlines denies rumors that they are in negotiations with Six Flags to charge passengers extra for future “Drop Zone” flight experiences.


This joke inspired by one from my friend Jerry Perisho.

A independent state Assembly candidate in Wisconsin had her ballot statement rejected by elections officials as being too disgusting.

What, did she refer to herself as “still a Brett Favre fan?”

(Jerry’s joke, “Cheesehead” wasn’t bad enough?_ And for really curious readers, google the story, her five word statement was a stupid racial slur, and doesn’t bear repeating.)

Giants-Dodgers, and other episodes of the Twilight Zone.

July 21, 2010

Part of Major League Baseball Rule 8.06 “A manager or coach is considered to have concluded his visit to the mound when he leaves the 18-foot circle surrounding the pitcher’s rubber.” Never heard that rule before? Neither had acting Dodgers manager Don Mattingly.

(for anyone who didnt see tonight’s Giants-Dodger game. A manager is allowed only one visit to a pitcher per inning, the second visit means you must remove your pitcher… Mattingly, who was managing only because Joe Torre and the bench coach had been ejected, came out to speak to his closer with the bases loaded, left the mound, remembered something, and went back briefly. Giants manager Bruce Bochy saw it, told the umpires, and they had no choice but to make him change pitchers. The new pitcher had very little time to warm up, and gave up the game winning hit.)


And yes, I know, a couple readers have to be thinking… the infield fly rule is bad enough.)

The Dodgers have lost six in a row and this divorce between Frank and Jamie McCourt is really getting ugly. Each of them are demanding the other take custody of the team.


Most amazing thing about the weirdest Giants-Dodgers game in recent memory Tuesday night? Manny Ramirez wasn’t even involved.

(The Dodgers placed Manny on the 15 day disabled list today. To be fair, he’s got to be getting close to his third trimester.)


USC is returning their copy of Reggie Bush’s Heisman trophy to the Heisman trust. I don’t see why…it was certainly bought and paid for.

You cannot make this stuff up. An convicted felon was stopped by the CHP on a Bay Area highway Sunday and was arrested after he allegedly got into a gun battle with officers using some of his large arsenal.

The man is now telling police he wanted to kill ACLU and Tides foundation employees to start an anti-government revolution. But he wants a public defender.


Brett Favre’s agent gave an interview to Men’s Journal magazine where he angrily referred to his client as a “drama queen.” Really? What was his first clue?

Some say Sarah Palin has no business comparing herself to Shakespeare since she has probably never read Shakespeare. But I hear Sarah has become quite fond of this quote from Twelfth Night. “Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage.”


Sarah Palin is now comparing herself to Shakespeare. When asked if she writes in iambic pentameter, Palin responded ‘Of course not, I’m a true American, I write in English.”


According to a “representative” for Bristol Palin, her upcoming wedding and marriage will not become a reality show.” So for now Bristol’s “focus remains on doing what is best for Tripp and her family.” Translation, she hasn’t gotten a good enough offer.

last word from Bill Littlejohn:

After almost a week, there seems to be no significant leaks and it looks like it might hold. But enough about Lindsay Lohan’s sobriety”

What did he not know and when did he not know it?

July 15, 2010

Pete Carroll said on an HBO interview with Bryant Gumbel that possible sanctions against the Trojans weren’t “even a factor” in his decision to leave USC, and that “It never even dawned on me that that was even an issue.”

Okay, if he’s not lying, then he’s too stupid to be an NFL head coach.

(Either than or it sounds like Carroll paid as much attention to the off-field antics of his team, as the team themselves paid to their off-field studies.)

Actually, Pete Carroll going to the Seahawks may be a good fit, since over the years they’ve shown they don’t have a problem paying for amateur talent.


Meanwhile, back in the NCAA, Vanderbilt’s football coach Bobby Johnson suddenly retired, saying “Football..consumes your life, you only have so many years to live, and you want to see a different way.” At the University of Michigan, thousands of fans apparently agreed with him, because they sent the story to Rich Rodriguez.

George Steinbrenner’s funeral will be private, although in “the Boss’s” honor his family is trying to negotiate a deal to have it shown pay-for-view deal on YES, the Yankees Entertainment and Sports network.


Dick Cheney is apparently recovering well from another heart surgery. The former V.P. may actually be setting a record for the most successful heart surgeries, especially for someone who was born without one.


Oracle CEO Larry Ellison may buy the Golden State Warriors. Guess he got tired of hearing that buying Sun Microsystems was the worst purchase he ever made.

KFC, home of the famous “Double Down” sandwich, made from two pieces of fried chicken, announced that second-quarter revenue fell 7 percent. Well, duh, some of their best customers are dying off.

The uproar over Lebron James leaving hasn’t died down yet. Said reader Gary Morton “Cleveland sports fans haven’t been this hot since the Cuyahoga River caught on fire.”


Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston are engaged, again. Does this mean she’s pregnant, again?

Sometimes even in a written statement you can tell someone is biting their lip hard enough to draw blood. Thus below, Sarah Palin’s statement on her daughter’s second engagement to the same boy, erm man. Johnston:

“Bristol, at 19, is now a young adult. As parents we obviously want what is best for our children, but Bristol is ultimately in charge of determining what is best for her and her beautiful son. We pray that, as a couple, Bristol and Levi’s relationship matures into one that will allow Tripp to grow up graced with two loving parents in his life.”


Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston say they are serious about this engagement, although because of a vow Bristol made they are now practicing abstinence. Wow, sounds like they’re already married.

Truth and rumors?

June 16, 2010

The “Star” magazine claims that Al Gore has been having an affair with comedian Larry David’s ex-wife Laurie. If true, I guess Al just couldn’t curb his enthusiasm.

Pete Carroll is complaining about the sanctions imposed upon USC and denied he left the university to escape imminent penalties, saying, since it’s been a five-year investigation – “Why wouldn’t I have left some other time?” Uh, Pete, because maybe anyone following it knew that investigation was about to be concluded this year?


Or the other answer to “why wouldn’t I have left some other time?” Presumably that would be, like apparently some of his recruits, Carroll was holding out for the highest bidder.


Oil executives testifying in Washington Tuesday labeled the BP oil spill a “rare event that has little chance of reoccurring.” Yeah, well the same thing applies to a potential missed call at the end of a perfect game. But that kind of mistake only damages the record books, not the economies of several states and an ecosystem.


Near Cincinnati, Ohio, “Touchdown Jesus”, a six-story-tall status of Jesus with his arms raised, burned to the ground during a recent thunderstorm. Could it be a sign that BYU and Utah deserve more BCS consideration?-

The government is considering banning peanuts on planes. Great, one more thing to put in a TSA plastic bag. M and Ms, so security can make sure they are the “Plain” kind


Apparently the New Zealand – Slovakia match was so uninspiring to fans in the stadium that they put down their vuvuzelas at times in favor of just doing the wave. Which means that both teams just picked up a whole lot of international supporters.

Looks like the Celtics really mailed it in tonight. Fans who tuned in thought they were watching a repeat of the regular season.


Boston’s 67 points were the lowest scoring total in their long NBA finals history. What championship do they think they are playing for, the World Cup?



For any Canadian readers, The University of Waterloo (Ontario) suspended its football team for an entire year. Apparently so many players tested positive for steroids that they called it that they called it the “most significant doping issue” in the history of Canadian university sports.

I can see the Toronto Argonauts marketing campaign now – “Come watch the only guaranteed steroid free team in Canada.”

(note to non-Canadian readers, for Argonauts substitute Detroit Lions or some equally lousy NFL team.)

From Wendell Potter about the demise of “Touchdown Jesus” in Ohio – “Doesn’t it tell you something when a statue of Jesus is hit by lightning but the Gay Pride parades all went off without a hitch?”


It’s only week one of the World Cup, but nations from around the globe are already meeting to decide if the “vuvuzelas” violate the Geneva convention.-It’s only week one of the World Cup, but nations from around the globe are already meeting to decide if the “vuvuzelas” violate the Geneva convention.-

New math?

June 12, 2010

The Big 10 has 12 teams. The Big 12 has 10. And for now the Pac 10 has 11. And we wonder why college athletes have trouble with math?

Colorado to the Pac 10, Nebraska to the Big 10. For starters. And the NCAA is sanctioning USC because their student-athletes somehow got the idea that college football is about money.


Reader Gary Morton sent in this great idea, though he doesn’t know who wrote it, ” the NCAA should ban USC’s band from playing ‘Conquest’ all 4 years they’re on probation. (“Conquest”, for the unitiated is the USC fight song…)


Saturday is the World Cup match between England and the U.S. A match eagerly awaited by the British for months, and for American sports fans, since, well, “Baseball’s not on until mid-afternoon, Tiger’s not playing golf, and the Lakers-Celtics are Sunday night. So what’s on?”

California Senate candidate Carly Fiorina now says about her famous “So yesterday” comment about Barbara Boxer that SHE personally wasn’t dissing her opponent’s hair, but was just “quoting a friend.” Hey Carly, if you’re going to be catty, woman up about it.


And speaking of catty, what would I give to know what Carly thinks about Meg Whitman’s hairstyle?


At least we won’t have to worry about a hair debate in the gubernatorial race. Jerry Brown won’t notice that Meg Whitman’s style hasn’t changed since he was governor and she was in high school. Ands she won’t diss his hair because he doesn’t have any.


The 16 year old girl trying to sail around the world solo has apparently been located and is safe after a distress call was triggered by 20 hours of complete silence. And parents of teenagers around the world are thinking “How could they tell anything was wrong? 20 hours of complete silence sounds normal to us.


Meanwhile U.S. ratings for the last game of the Stanley Cup finals between the Chicago Blackhawks and the Philadelphia Flyers were the highest since 1974. Or 1974 Americans watched the game. Or both.

Mike Huckabee, a once and probably future Republican presidential candidate, took on fellow Republican and Indiana governor saying we should call a “truce” on social issues. Huckabee stated that the “issues of life and traditional marriage,” are not “bargaining chips nor are they political issues;” they are the “the basic premises of our civilization.”

If “traditional marriage” is a basic premise of civilization, then it might be time to put Mark Sanford, Robert Ensign, and yes, John Edwards, on the terrorist watch list.

A picture is worth a thousand words, or at least a post.

June 12, 2010

University of $ and not enough ¢

June 11, 2010

USC has long been known in the Pac 10 as the University of $’s and ¢’s But now the NCAA has decided that they’ve paid out too many of those dollars to student athletes, specifically Reggie Bush and O.J. Mayo. So the school is going on probation, will be banned from bowls for 2 years, and will forfeit 30 scholarships.


On the bright side, with coach Lane Kiffin, the team wasn’t likely to qualify for any serious bowl anyway.

The NCAA has warned USC that if they don’t clean up their act, the sanctions could get worse. As in they may be forced to keep Kiffin as their coach indefinitely.


Lane Kiffin actually attracted the notice of NCAA investigators at his last job, at the University of Tennessee. So he could end with an dubious record, the first D1 coach to have two teams on major probation before he goes to a major bowl game.


Actually USC will join Michigan as one of the most renowned programs in college football that will be on probation for 2010. Too bad, the teams could be a perfect matchup for the newest bowl at Yankee Stadium. Except they’d have to change the name from “Pinstripe Bowl” to “Jailstripe Bowl.”


Ben Roethlisberger gave a contrite interview to a local Pittsburgh radio station, saying “”I got caught up being Big Ben the whole time. I lost track of who Ben Roethlisberger was. It’s not something I’m proud of,”

Yo, Ben, if you’re serious about getting back on track, lose the third person.


Former (as of last week) Oregon quarterback Jeremiah Masoli has a record of getting into trouble almost as long as his stellar onfield record. He was expelled from Serra High School (and spent time in juvenile detention) for his part in a string of robberies. Then he was suspended for the year after pleading guilty to an on-campus burglary. And then he was finally kicked of the team for not only getting cited for marijuana possession, but driving with a suspended license.

Masoli may be out of changes in college football, but he’s looking good for being cast in a remake of “The Longest Yard.”


The first domino has fallen. The University of Colorado has agreed to join the Pac 10. And sure, why not, when you think of the Pacific, you have to think of Boulder, Colorado.


Random thought. Does any top level athlete in the world look QUITE as sulky and petulant in an interview as Kobe Bryant does after a loss?

Apparently the Brazilian referees working the England-United States match at the World Cup have been studying English-language swear words so they can make sure players aren’t being abusive. Who says sports isn’t educational?

Or a variation on the theme from Bill Littlejohn:

“The Brazilian referee and his assistants for Saturday’s England-United States game at the World Cup are brushing up on the lexicon of English-language obscenities and gestures.This morning, they observed video of the latest arrest of Amy Winehouse”

Coming soon, the Pac 10-Big 10 matchup everyone has wanted to see in the Rose Bowl – Texas vs. Nebraska.

Democratic California gubernatorial nominee Jerry Brown asked for 10 televised debates with Meg Whitman. She accepted the invitation to debate him, ONCE, in October. Time and exact date to be worked out, but word has it Whitman is open to any weekday between 3 and 4am.

Slouching towards Saturday…

January 15, 2010

The New Orleans Saints, known for their high-powered offense, and slightly less high-powered defense, will play the Arizona Cardinals Saturday afternoon. The Cardinals beat the Green Bay Packers 51-45 in what was basically an Arena football style game (with no defense) last week. Stay tuned for the first NFL playoff game where the over-under might be triple digits.

Heisman runner-up Toby Gerhart has decided he wants to get paid for playing football, and so will forgo his last year of eligibility at Stanford and enter the NFL draft. It was either that or transfer to USC.

Sources say that whatever happens with his plea bargain, there are “irreconcilable differences” between Gilbert Arenas and the Washington Wizards. Arenas for his part says he took his best shot at it.

Silly thought for a Friday. Heidi Montag has admitted to having 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day, so that she can feel “comfortable as a woman as a person.” Stay tuned for her next interview, when she will claim “no one appreciates the real me.”


You have to hand it to NBC. They were losing at both the 10pm and 1135p time shots for comedy. So they basically decided to come up with their own material.


No one is really happy with the mess at NBC. Okay, maybe except for Dave Letterman, and of course Tiger Woods.


At this point, rumors are that there is a deal for Conan O’Brien to leave NBC, and presumably the best solution for the network is to keep him off the air. But if so, with a $80 million contract, at worst Conan stands to be the highest paid “American Idle.”

According to McCain advisor Steve Schmidt, Sarah Palin didn’t really understand why there was a North and South Korea. Which is unfortunate, because if she had, they wanted her to explain it to President Bush.


Monday at the Oracle Arena in Oakland, the Harlem Globetrotters will take on their perennial opponents, the Washington Generals. Oddsmakers give the Generals a slightly better chance of winning than next Saturday’s Warriors opponents – the New Jersey Nets.

More weaving in and out of a Lane…

January 15, 2010

So while Lane Kiffin’s dad, Monte, is much respected around the NFL, Lane himself has had a series of short term jobs with results that have been mediocre at best. Yet he keeps finding new high profile positions. This is scary, could it be a long range plan to have Kiffin end up as U.S. President?

Since he bolted for USC after one scandal-plagued, expensive, mediocre year, Tennessee fans and students are referring to Lane Kiffin as a “whore.” Not true, whores generally provide value for money.


UCLA offensive coordinator Norm Chow has said he is happy with the Bruins and will not join Lane Kiffin’s staff at USC. Translation, he might as well wait a year until the top Trojan job becomes available when Kiffin leaves to go somewhere else.


Kiffin himself said of his leaving Tennessee to take the job with USC – “I really believe this is the only place I would have left to go.” If he keeps up with the results he has had in the last three jobs, there may not be ANY place he has left to go.


Ben Burnett suggests that with his record, the logical place for Kiffin to end up is…Oakland, in a few years Al Davis will have forgotten who he is anyway.


Gilbert Arenas has been charged with a felony for carrying an unlicensed gun. Prosecutors decided on this charge because there is no law for felony stupidity.


The New York Mets are reportedly angry at Carlos Beltran for having knee surgery this week without getting a second opinion from their team doctors. The Mets wanted Beltran to consider waiting until the season was over, as in September.


Carly Fiorina called Barbara Boxer a “failed senator.” Well, if anyone knows about failure it’s the woman who was fired both from Hewlett Packard AND John McCain’s presidential campaign.

commie pinko time.

Open question to all Republicans who want Harry Reid to resign over his comments on Obama’s skin color and dialect – Who’s going to be the first to decry Rush Limbaugh’s comments that President Obama will use the crisis in Haiti to “boost his credibility with the black community?”

Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes…

January 13, 2010

This just in: Conan O’Brien changed his Facebook status from “In a relationship with NBC” to “It’s complicated.”


Let’s see, Mark McGwire “comes clean” about steroids, but says he didn’t use them to help hit home runs and adds that Jose Canseco is lying about them injecting each other. Well, okay, admittedly Canseco is a scumbag, but if we are comparing records on the honesty scale.


Isn’t Mark McGwire now calling Jose Canseco a liar like John Edwards calling Tiger Woods a bad husband?


Matt Lauer asked Senator John McCain “if the vetting of Sarah Palin was so woefully inadequate that no one from the campaign traveled to Alaska to interview her husband or any of her political opponents? “I wouldn’t know,” McCain replied. Yes, and isn’t that the point exactly.

Former Illinois Govenor Rod Blagojevich said he was “blacker than Barack Obama.” Now, there is no chance Blago is blacker than Obama. But he is certifiably dumber than a post.


Another one bites the dust. At a time when no candidate has really caught fire, or come up with any really serious and practical new ideas, Tom Campbell is dropping out of the race to be the next Governor of California. This isn’t a gubernatorial race, it’s “last comic standing.”


Tom Campbell is dropping out of the Republican gubernatorial primary, leaving the contest to multi-millionaires Meg Whitman and Steve Poizner, who have already spent almost $20 million between them. If Whitman and Poizner really want to help California, what about donating the rest of their campaign budget to the state, and flipping a coin to decide a winner?


Lane Kiffin has left the University of Tennessee after barely a year and will now coach at USC. It’s all about ambition – guess he wanted to be on probation at a higher-profile school.


In his short tenure at Tennessee, Kiffin was cited for several minor NCAA violations, three players were arrested, and the football program was accused of more serious recruiting violations involving scantily clad coeds. With that much mess in such a short time – if this USC gig doesn’t work out Kiffin could be offered a job in the programming department of NBC.


And today’s final word back at NBC, Conan O’Brien has rejected the network’s offer of a 1205a show. Well, the 10 pm slot is vacant….

Groundhog day.

January 10, 2010

This was supposed to be the first day of the playoffs. But didn’t we see both these games- Jets over Bengals, and Cowboys over Eagles, last week?

It was pretty embarrassing in Cincinnati. Ocho cinco was ochenta – seis-ed. (translation, 86’ed)


Philadelphia often plays “Fly like an Eagles” as a pep song for their team. Tonight it was more like “Fly like an ostrich.”

If New England beats Baltimore Sunday, the Jets will play the Colts next week. Which for karma fans could bring the delightful prospect of Indianapolis being knocked out of the playoffs by the team they let in wit their wuss act when they were undefeated with a two-touchdown lead.


An Atlanta to San Francisco flight was diverted to Colorado Springs Friday because of an intoxicated man hiding out in the toilet. No word yet on if he was the pilot.


A software engineer has announced he has calculated Pi to 2.7 trillion digits. Just how big a number is that? By the end of the decade it might be an approximation of the Yankees payroll.

So a day after Rudy Giuliani said there were no terrorist attacks under President Bush, Harry Reid is under fire for referring to President Obama as “light skinned” with no “negro dialect.” Proving once again that even though it may not result in getting leglislation passed, stupidity is absolutely bipartisan.


From Nick Coombs, Giuliani’s statement that there were no terrorist attacks in the U.S. under President George W. Bush may have been the first sentence he uttered in years that didn’t include 9/11.

Pete Carroll is rumored to be leaving USC for the Seattle Seahawks. I’m sure this has nothing to do with the rumors that the NCAA may soon put the Trojan football program on some pretty serious probation. Nah.

It’s over….

January 8, 2010

Yes, the college bowl season is over. You know it probably went on too long when the last truly awful football plays of the year weren’t made by the Detroit Lions.


Congrats to the Crimson Tide for winning the BCS National Championship Game against a Colt McCoy-less Longhorns team. And over in Idaho, the Boise State Broncos are thinking, with some reason… we could take either of these teams.


Tonight’s BCS championship game between Texas and Alabama was played over a month after both teams played their last games. The players have been so bored, some of them have actually gone to class


Longhorns quarterback Colt McCoy was injured and out of the BCS Championship early. It was the most desperate time Texans could remember without a real leader since George W. Bush was governor.

The BCS championship game was played over a month after the regular season ended. “And the problem with that is?” said Bud Selig.


Of course, the reason for the huge delay until the final game was for hype, and television ratings. Which means someday the World Series could be known as the “Thanksgiving Classic.”


It now appears Gilbert Arenas’s teammate Javaris Crittenton actually cocked and loaded his gun during their locker room confrontration. But come on, he’s a Wizard. There was no chance he would get off a good shot.


USC quarterback Aaron Corp, who lost his starting job to Matt Barkley after being injured, announced that he was transferring to the University of Richmond. Corp must really want out. Being at Richmond is likely to be a heckuva pay cut.


A sting operation caught as many as 58 nine potential illegal immigrants last Sunday in Foxboro. The men were their way to shovel snow off the field at Gillette Stadium before the Patriots game. This could be the biggest immigrant roundup in sports since the Yankees took their team picture.


According to the New York Post, White House party crashers Tareq and Michaele Salahi are apparently being paid $5000 to headline a party at Caesar’s Palace nightclub. Well, that will discourage them.


The organizers for the party who are paying gate-crashing Salahi’s a $5000 appearance fee expect to sell several hundred tickets. With an actual attendance figure of about 20,000.

John McCain has released an anti-Obama commercial to kick off his own re-election campaign. Senator McCain wanted the commercial to look as up-to-date and modern as possible so he insisted it be shot in Technicolor.

Pre-Christmas wishes..

December 19, 2009

Memo from Santa.

To – All comedy writers expecting something in their Christmas stockings

“I already gave you Tiger Woods, how much more do you want?”

And in the “be careful what you wish for department,” wonder if someone connected with the PGA tour ever wished two things this fall, that golf would be front page news, and that next year’s tournaments might be more competitive, with more new faces having a chance to win.


A major snowstorm is hitting Washington, D.C. this weekend and the capital is expected to be paralyzed. So for Congress, it’s business as usual.

When she was in Hawaii, Sarah Palin was wearing a sun visor with John McCain’s name blacked out. The question is, who blacked out the name? Sarah, or the McCain campaign?


Palin actually said she blacked out the name with a Sharpie so that she could go “incognito.” Wouldn’t a big floppy hat have been easier? Although presumably there are easier places to have privacy than at one of the biggest hotels – the Hilton Hawaiian Village – in Waikiki.

And you have to wonder what was the paparazzi’s first clue….the autographed stack of copies of “Going Rogue” on her beach blanket?)


According to the Los Angeles Times, USC’s leading rusher, Joe McKnight, has been seen regularly around town driving a $27,000 SUV registered to a booster. And the university is already under investigation for alleged “improper benefits” to Reggie Bush and O.J. Mayo. Maybe it’s time to start referring to them as the University of the Severely Clueless.

Bad pun alert.

Seattle is actually taking a chance on outfielder Milton Bradley. They are hoping as he gets into his 30s that the talented but volatile player will be more even-tempered. In other words, they hope there will be no whines from the ancient Mariner.


Tough love? Florida defensive end Carlos Dunlap, arrested for DUI on December 1, has been reinstated for the Sugar Bowl. His court appearance is scheduled Jan 10, but coach Urban Meyer says he’s paid a “serious price” already, and he’s been a “good student and a good person.”

I’m sure the fact Dunlap was the team leader in sacks and is projected as a first round draft pick had nothing to do with it.

(By the way, Dunlap, who has pleaded “not guilty”, is 20 years old. Any drink he had before getting in a car was illegal.)

Beyond Tiger and beyond..

December 7, 2009

For anyone getting just a little tired of the Tiger Woods story and the constant new evidence surfacing, be grateful for one thing. Text messages weren’t around when Bill Clinton was in his heyday.

Would hate to have them miss kickoff…

Has anyone thought to remind Pete Carroll and the USC Trojans, headed to their first ever Emerald Bowl on December 26, that not all bowls are played on New Year’s Day?


USC in the Emerald Bowl!!! The Trojans were picked early this year to contend for the National Championship. USC may be the most disappointedly over-rated team to show up at A T and T Park since last September when the Cubs played the Giants.


Emerald, by the way, stands not for the color, but for Emerald Nuts, the bowl’s sponsor.

This could the first, (and perhaps one of the few non R rated versions) of what will be a lot of jokes including the USC mascot and the bowl name.

The Trojans in the Emerald Bowl? You must be Nuts.

Okay, if you believe God has any interest in sports whatsoever, then clearly He (or She) is rooting for the New Orleans Saints this year. Either that or God really enjoys torturing Redskins fans.


A horse was entered in the sixth race Friday at Hollywood Park in Los Angeles named Driveliketiger. The horse unfortunately was scratched. Wonder if he claimed he hit a hydrant or a tree?


The San Diego Padres have stated their 2010 payroll will probably fall from $42.6 million to around $30 million. You know what that means, for Padres players and fans it’s safe to plan that October vacation in Hawaii.


And okay, another comment-rant on the BCS system. Baseball and basketball have enough games that this tends not to happen at any level. But imagine in the NFL, that a team like the New Orleans Saints, picked somewhere between 12-24th (yes, 24th by Sports Illustrated, oops) in NFL preseason polls, simply could not move high enough into the rankings to be able to play for the Super Bowl. Because there were too many teams once ranked above them. Whereas teams like the Indianapolis Colts would still have to win, but would have no problem qualifying if they did. Because that’s the system we’ve got.

Yeah, probably the three undefeated teams left out of the Championship game aren’t quite at Texas-Alabama level. (Although Texas sure didn’t look at “Texas level” in winning against Nebraska.) Boise State and TCU won every game they played. And Cincinnati even went undefeated in a BCS conference, knocking off more ranked teams (3) than either Texas or Alabama (2 each.) You get the sense that BCS officials will be wearing Tim Tebow eye-black during the Sugar Bowl, which pits the Bearcats against Florida.

Facebook updates:

November 17, 2009

Facebook updates of the day:

Jim Harbaugh is no longer friends with Pete Carroll.

USC and the BCS bowl games are no longer “in a relationship.”

Charlie Weis changed his relationship status with Notre Dame to “it’s complicated.”


Coach Jim Harbaugh is taking some heat for his decision to go for a two-point conversion Saturday with Stanford leading 48-21. Guess it’s a good thing after the Cardinal went ahead 55-21 that they didn’t implement that onside kick plan.


President Obama admitted during his trip to Asia, he has never used Twitter. Many Americans were shocked. Of course, no one expected that Vice President Joe Biden has used Twitter. There’s no chance he could get a thought down to 140 characters.

How white is Sammy Sosa getting from that face cream? When asked about steroids he no longer speaks broken English, but he is saying that he doesn’t want to talk about the past.


from Alex Kaseberg – to give you an idea how white Sosa is now, Sammy watched the entire broadcast of “The Country Music Awards.”


Tennessee Titans owner Bud Adams was fined $250,000 for an obscene gesture to Buffalo fans after his team’s win over the Bills. Well, at least that’s one bad thing that won’t happen this year to Al Davis.


Of course, in Adams’ defense. He IS 86 years old. So maybe he was just trying to make the V for Victory sign, and couldn’t move his fingers.

The University of Michigan admitted that football coach Rich Rodriguez failed to file the required NCAA forms tracking how much time his players spent on football including practice last year.. Well, I know rules are rules, but it’s not like any extra time did them any good.


The way the Giants and Jets are playing, fans in New York are getting a glimpse of what it’s like to be Canadian Football League fans. Your season’s over before December.

Sarah Palin told Oprah that when John McCain first chose her as his running mate, she claims her biggest fear was that it would be exposed that she once got a D in a college course. And the last thing she wanted President Bush to think is that she was a braggart.

And then there was one…. oops, two.

November 16, 2009

It looked like this Sunday night would see the ranks of the NFL unbeatens fall to one, the New Orleans Saints.

But then the New England Patriots made a surprising decision to go for a first down on fourth and two on their own 28 with a six point lead. Then a questionable, and unreviewed, spot of the football gave the Indianapolis Colts new life with two minutes to go. And they pulled out a 35-34 victory.


So yet another controversial call goes in favor of an undefeated team. Is the NFL borrowing referees from the SEC?


Despite another loss, this time to Pittsburgh, and a 6-4 record, Stewart Mandel of SI.com is still predicting a New Year’s Day bowl for Notre Dame. (Okay, so it’s the Gator Bowl, but it’s still worth about $2 million.)

But hey, the school has a reputation, and rich fans. If this projected Yankee Bowl comes to pass in the 2010 season, maybe the Fighting Irish could be permanent hosts?


They’re still reeling down in Los Angeles. First the Rams, then the Raiders. Now with USC’s embarrassing drubbing at the hands of Stanford it’s looking like the city may have lost their last professional football team.


It’s been quite a rough few weeks for USC. First a 47-20 loss to Oregon, then a 55-21 loss to Stanford. The last time anyone can remember things going this badly for the Trojans, a wooden horse was involved.


“2012” was a huge winner at the box office, as apparently the idea of watching a major disaster movie appealed to a wide demographic. With the possible exception of moderate Republicans, who view it as a potential documentary should Sarah Palin run for the White House.


Sarah Palin and her husband Todd married 7 1/2 months before their son Track was born. But Sarah now says she was “devastated” to find out her daughter was pregnant, as she didn’t even think Bristol was having sex. This from a woman who called President Obama “beyond naive?”

What’s worse for Cowboys fans? A 17-7 loss to the Packers, that was a shutout until the game was almost over? Or the fact that they can’t blame this one on Jessica Simpson.

The Who will be playing at halftime for the 2010 Super Bowl. Apparently they were suggested by Brett Favre, who thought the game should feature some young, modern acts.


Actually, for fans who turn into the Super Bowl without paying much attention to the regular season, “Who Are You?” may be the reaction if they end up watching the Saints.

Football and other follies

October 1, 2009

Who’d a thunk it, College Football Division. At 1230p on Saturday in Palo Alto, Stanford and UCLA meet for the Pac 10 lead. Meanwhile, at 5pm, Cal and USC play in the “Over-Rated Bowl.”

One of the reasons BCS officials give against having a college football playoff system, is that the extra one or two games would be rough on the schedules of student-athletes. Meanwhile, in ESPN’s nationally televised Wednesday night college game, Louisiana Tech beat Hawaii 27-6, and in the Thursday night game, West Virginia knocked off Colorado 35-24.

A fossil hominid (pre-human) skeleton found in Africa is apparently over 4 million years old and pre-dates Lucy. No confirmation on the rumor it was found wearing a Brett Favre jersey.

Okay, this is tacky. But I have to ask. Amongst his staff – does Letterman have a Top Ten list?


So Jon Gosselin, formerly of “Jon and Kate plus 8”, has pulled the plug for now on filming his children for the reality TV series. He couldn’t have thought of this sooner, like in 2007 before the show started?

You cannot make this stuff up department:

Last year, Binghamton University earned a trip to March Madness. This year, before the season even has started, within a 48 hour period, six players were suspended from the team. And the school’s athletic director rhetorically asked “who’s running the zoo?”

The response, in a letter to the editor from Amanda J. Padwa, the Binghamton Zoo’s business manager.

“Not one of our tigers has been arrested with cocaine. No otter knocks over old ladies to shoplift condoms. Our bear doesn’t have temper tantrums and storm off his exhibit. You won’t find any of our lemurs busted for smoking pot. So, please, stop insulting zoos by comparing those criminals to us.”


And in case anyone thinks that modern day sports is getting too overblown and out-of-hand, consider this quote from Bobby Dodd, one of college football’s most successful coaches at Georgia Tech during the 1950’s and early 1960s.

‘Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football.’

Monday thoughts.

September 21, 2009

As San Francisco manager Bruce Bochy and Carney Lansford keep insisting that they are trying to teach the their team plate discipline, one thought comes to mind. If Mike Singletary coached the Giants and told them not to swing at the first pitch, they wouldn’t do it more than once.

Amazing thought, with the 49ers at 2-0, the best professional football team in California at the end of September this year will not be the USC Trojans.


So this year Washington, last year Oregon State, then in 2006 Stanford. Sounds like the Trojans game plan is “Underachieve Some Conference” games.

As much as I would like to see a BCS playoff, I must say that I hate the thought of giving Pete Carroll’s USC Trojans a second chance every year at the national title, after their annual mail-it-in loss to some mediocre or worse Pac 10 team.


To push his healthcare plan, President Obama appeared last weekend on all five Sunday morning talkshows. Talk about overexposure – who does he think he is, Peyton Manning?


The Houston Astros, 70-79 and long eliminated from playoff contention, fired their manager with 13 games left in the season. Talk about locking the barn door after the horse has not only bolted, but also run 20 miles down the road into the next county.


Cuban defector Aroldis Chapman, a lefthander with a 102 mph fastball, has established residency in Andorra while he files for free agency. Apparently he really plans to live in the tiny country, while he is not playing for the Yankees or Red Sox.

Prejean, Pacman, the Pac 10 and other problems…

September 2, 2009

USC cornerback Shareece Wright has been ruled academically ineligible for the entire 2009 season. That’s a real shame, said absolutely no one outside of Los Angeles.


USC cornerback Shareece Wright is academically ineligible for the 2009 season. This follows the team’s starting fullback Stanley Havili being unable to play in last year’s Rose Bowl for academic reasons, and backup quarterback Mitch Mustain having eligibility issues earlier this year. Now we know what USC really means – Usually Skipping Class.

Rumor has it that the class Wright failed was a close call. He took underwater basketweaving and almost drowned.


The fifth-place (out of six) Cincinnati Reds sold 9087 tickets for a game Monday against the last-place Pittsburgh Pirates. Wow. There are actually over 9000 people who were willing to pay to see the Reds-Pirates?

Carrie Prejean is suing the Miss California pageant because she claims being fired damaged her career. Let’s see, how many former Miss Californias can you name? Maybe the pageant should sue her for non-payment of publicity services rendered.

(Or, as suggested by a couple friends, ask for their implants back.)



Adam “Pacman” Jones has signed a contract with the Winnipeg Blue Bombers. The team GM has said he expects Pacman to be a major contributor to the team, presumably because there aren’t many places to get into trouble in Winnipeg.

John Murphy, the Blue Bombers’ director of player personnel, said of “Pacman” Jones… he is going to “bring some fun and excitement to our team, our locker room, our city, and our league.”

Wonder if he’s alerted the Mounties.


Lets hope that when “Pacman” signed with the Blue Bombers that he didn’t think he was signing up for a women’s roller derby team.

Once again, the cure for a pitching slump? Play the SF Giants. Cole Hamels, 0-3 in August, allowed just two hits in a 1-0 victory. Although the Giants did have a leadoff double wasted and then the leadoff runner in the ninth inning picked off.

How badly are the SF Giants doing with men in scoring position? About as well as a group of fraternity guys on a lesbian cruise.