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Eliminations.

March 30, 2011

Stanford women heading to the Final Four in Indianapolis.  Along now  with Texas A & M, Connecticut and Notre Dame.  Shocking results compared to the mens’ bracket.   Two number one seats, and two number twos.  And not an arrest or academic suspension between them.

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The smuggest person in America today? Whoever it was on the NCAA selection committee who lobbied to have VCU included for one of those play-in spots.

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Meanwhile, up in Canada, the government is auctioning off ladies thongs. (Apparently a lot of stolen property recovered from an Ottawa lingerie shop after insurance had already paid off the owners.) 

Hey, it worked for the San Francisco Giants, maybe the Blue Jays should put in a bid.

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The Fiesta Bowl fired their longtime CEO John Junker today. An internal report found all sorts of financial irregularities, and “an apparent scheme” to reimburse employees for political contributions plus “an apparent conspiracy” to cover it up. A BCS executive is less than straightforward and honorable? I’m shocked, shocked.

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Cleveland Cavaliers 102, Miami Heat 90. This might be the most embarrassing sports story of the day not involving shrunken testicles.

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Jalen Rose has been arrested for an alleged DUI in Michigan. Which means the former Fab Five star may now wish he hadn’t gone out of his way, especially if he wants a black lawyer, to have alienated anyone who was educated at Duke and other “elite” colleges..

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Radio host Mike Catherwood is the first celebrity voted off the new season of “Dancing with the Stars.”   Which provoked a surprised response from most Americans:  – “Who the heck is Mike Catherwood?”

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Abercrombie and Fitch has apparently been trying to sell a padded bra for seven-year old girls. I hate to think what padded thing they are thinking of for seven-year old boys.

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Apparently California Republicans are worried about a measure that would move the state’s presidential primary from February to June. It’s partly that they think the race would be over by then, and partly because even our GOP can’t stand the thought of listening to some of these loonies for four more months.

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Sarah Palin says “Gaddafi’s gotta go, killing or capturing,” because he’s going to attack the U.S. 

Sarah, Sarah…. Gaddafi can’t even see the U.S. from his house.

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Okay, I concede that almost everyone connected with the Bonds trial (including Barry) is sleazy. But I really wish they would call Bud Selig to the stands and ask him under oath what he thought was going on with all those suddenly amazing home run hitters?

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Rick Santorum now says the Social Security system would be in much better shape if there were fewer abortions, because then we would have more people alive to work and pay into the system. Right. Stand by for his next speech when Santorum discovers the concept of welfare.

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Sports without borders:

March 5, 2011

The Toronto Raptors were swept by the New Jersey Nets in London this weekend, – Which means the Raptors can now potentially lay claim to a new title – the worst NBA team in three countries AND two continents.

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On Saturday, The Texas Nationalist Movement marked Texas Independence Day with a rally at the Capitol urging Texans to secede from the United States. Finally, an idea that both Californians and Texans can agree upon.

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If Texas secedes, how long until New Mexico, Oklahoma,  Arkansas and Louisiana put up border fences?

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The San Antonio Spurs crushed the Heat last night 125-95. Maybe it’s time to start referring to Lebron and company as the Miami Not-So-Hot.

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Britney Spears is the latest to say now that she has “nothing to say” about her past. Wonder if she, Cam Newton and others have ever heard that line about “Those who cannot remember the past….?”

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Mitt Romney is now decrying Obamacare when the plan is very similar to what Romney himself did in Massachusetts. Well, at least this proves one thing – the Republican “Do as I say not as I do” mantra doesn’t just apply to morality and sex.

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In the does this really need a punchline department, this quote from Sarah Palin:

“See because our president is so inexperienced in the private sector and in government and in actually running anything and making any kind of budget that inexperience has really made manifest in some of the statements he makes.”

(a punchline, no, a translator, possibly.)

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We are now one week from NCAA  basketball’s “Selection Sunday.”    Translation, there are five productive working days left  in the month of March.

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Inspired by a comment from Augie:  There’s a new way to describe being hot and/or nervous this year.

“Sweating like Maksim Chmerkovskiy (Kristie Alley’s DWTS partner), waiting to find out if the week’s routine involves lifts.

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Chronic losers.

March 2, 2011

The Cubs have announced a search is on for the next public address announcer at Wrigley Field. The job has all kinds of great benefits. Including, of course, having every October off.

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Some analysts say the NFL owners could survive up to a two-year lockout. But what about the fabric of American society? This could mean two years of fall Sundays where spouses would actually have to talk to each other.

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Troy Murphy goes to the Celtics, Carmelo is with the Knicks, Bibby is heading to the Heat. This might be a high, or low, point for the most front page sports stories about the rich getting richer. Well, at least without the Yankees being involved. 

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Elton John has disclosed that he and his partner did indeed receive an invitation to Prince William and Kate Middleton’s wedding.  Makes sense, what would a Royal Wedding be without England’s most famous queen?

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The Golden State Warrors’ slim NBA playoff hopes seem to be slipping away. On the other hand, they might be playing well enough to receive an N.I.T invitation.

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Celine Dion’s bodguard  Nikolaos Skokos, has been trying to get “Permanent resident” status in the U.S., based on his “superior” skills as a security consultant.   So far, the government has rejected his application.  But maybe we should make a deal, Skokos can stay, if he convinces his client to go back to Canada.

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Charlie Sheen said in an interview this week that “you can’t process me with a normal brain.” This might be the only time all year that “Charlie Sheen” and “normal” appear in the same sentence.

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The #3 ranked NCAA men’s basketball BYU Cougars dismissed star forward Brandon Davies from the team, citing a violation of the school’s honor code. This sort of thing doesn’t happen often for players at top 10 basketball schools; violating the honor code generally means actual classes are involved.

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The NBA Nets, now owned by a Russian, with 2 games planned in London, say they want to become “the face of the league” outside the U.S. “Our goal is to globalize our business, to project ourselves in a global fashion,” said Nets CEO Brett Yormark. So we’re about to find out -in how many languages can fans yell “You suck?”

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What is it with the GOP and geography? Mike Huckabee is questioning the President’s foreign policy because of his “having grown up in Kenya.” When asked, Huckabee’s PAC director Hogan Gidley said Mike had MEANT to reference Obama’s living in Indonesia from ages 5-10. Kenya, Indonesia, what’s the difference?

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Charlie Sheen is now on Twitter and amassed over 150,000 followers in two hours. Is this a sign of the apochalypse, or just that despite our busy lives, Americans still have WAY too much time on our hands?

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Actually, at this point isn’t “Charlie Sheen joke” redundant?

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U.S. Ambassador to the U.N. Susan Rice said that Qaddafi “sounds, just frankly, delusional,” and is “unfit to lead.” Insert Sarah Palin joke here.

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(and of course, no truth to the rumor that Qaddafi has been offered a starring role in “Two and a Half Men.”

From Nick Coombs:

Embattled Bangals QB Carson Palmer announced today that he has, “money in the bank” and would “play for the love of the game” as long as its elsewhere. Glad to hear he saved all the money he earned playing at USC.

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Oscar Eve?

February 27, 2011

It’s the night before the Oscars –  which means that in Hollywood, all the nominated women who can still move their foreheads are practicing looking surprised.

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The King’s Speech” will apparently be re-released by the Weinstein Company with a PG-13 rating instead of the original R. Presumably this new version will leave out or adjust one scene in which the future King strings together a series of f-bombs. WTF?!

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But really, any kid old enough to be intrigued and/or interested by “the King’s Speech” is probably old enough to have heard more swearing on the school playground at recess.

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Theme song of this year’s NCAA basketball season? “Another #1 bites the dust.” (Tonight, Duke, 60-64 to Virginia.)

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President Obama has appointed Jeremy Barnard as the first male (and openly gay) White House Social Secretary. It’s about time – State dinners in the past have sometimes been successful, but they are about to become Fabulous!

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Cam Newton refused to discuss any of his college problems in a recent interview, saying “”What I did in the past is in the past.” Who knew, whatever disease Mark McGwire has, it’s clearly contagious..

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Prices at the pump jumped 17 cents a gallon on average this week in the U.S. This is the biggest increase in the cost of gas since Taco Bell ended their 39 cent taco promotion.

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Considering how well Jed Bartlet and George H.W.Bush’s sons turned out, I think both Bill Clinton and Barack Obama are thanking their lucky stars they had daughters.

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In Tim Lincecum’s spring training debut, he allowed three runs in the first inning with four straight singles. And Lincecum later confessed to being “nervous.” Hmm, wonder what options a young man in California has for calming his nerves these days?

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Kelsey Grammer, 55, married his girlfriend Katye Walsh, 29, this weekend. It’s Grammer’s fourth marriage. At one point it seemed like Kelsey aspired to be one of the greatest comic actors of our era, now it just seems he aspires to be Larry King.

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British chef Jamie Oliver, who has been promoting a healthy eating/anti-obesity campaign of his own, heard about Sarah Palin’s criticism of Michelle Obama, and referred to the former Alaska Governor as a “Fruit Loop.”

This prompted an immediate demand for an apology.  From Kellogg’s.

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Snow place like home.

February 24, 2011

Nonstop headlines and breaking news updates from all the Bay Area media: “San Francisco could get as much as an inch of snow this weekend!” Yeah, this ought to do wonders for our reputation as wimps on the East Coast.

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Sarah Palin is traveling to India in March. She says she’s especially interested in meeting the Indian people and hopes someone will invite her  to visit their teepee.

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The NFL owners and players are still meeting to avert a possible lockout, although no progress has yet been reported, and the players’ group left the talks early today. Which means they missed the catered roasted goose with golden eggs dinner.

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The NFL negotiations have been going on in earnest for seven days.  Okay, I’m not a biblical scholar, but didn’t God create the world in less?

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Tiger Woods was eliminated of the first round of a match play tournament today. Looks like the much vaunted “comeback” is a continuing  “come back to earth.”

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Okay, that was a really nice dunk that Blake Griffin did at the NBA All-Star competition over the car. Now a question – What’s the over-under on cars taken to body shops in the next month with hood damage. (Especially by parents of teenage boys.)

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More about that Caltech basketball win, 46-45 over Occidental. Their last conference win was 26 YEARS ago. The school has won nine Nobel prizes since then….

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Harry Reid says he thinks Nevada should end legal prostitution. This is not exactly what the citizens of the state want to hear from their government- at least prostitutes provide value when you pay to get screwed.

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President Obama has ordered his lawyers to stop defending a federal law that bans recognition of same-sex marriage. So where are all the conservatives applauding Obama’s initiative in reducing government intrusion into our lives?

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Pat Boone spoke at CPAC (the Conservative Political Action Conference), saying that Hollywood is not all “lefties.” He described himself as an “embedded conservative in La-La Land.” Pat Boone is still in Hollywood?  Really?  Wonder what Starbucks he works at these days?

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From T.C.  And only in LA moment: . Kia supplied the car that Blake Griffin used as a prop in the NBA AllStar weekend Slam Dunk contest. They weren’t too happy when the car was returned and the hubcaps were missing.

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President’s Day Weekend.

February 19, 2011

While we’re celebrating President’s Day here’s an interesting thought. Since Virginia was at that point a British colony, George Washington himself wasn’t born in the United States.

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Former President George W. Bush apparently used to complain that HE didn’t have a day in his own honor. Although Dick Cheney mollified him by saying that a day was already set aside for that in the future–the first of April.

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Sarah Palin came out against the “birthers” in her own party, saying questions about President Obama’s citizenship are “annoying” and a “distraction.” Possible translation – she’s beginning to worry that the same people who don’t know Hawaii is a state, aren’t sure about Alaska either.

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During an appearance in New York Thursday, Sarah Palin said that to help prepare for her speech,  she had asked her daughter Bristol to Google information about the economy in their hotel room the night before.

Too bad a few years ago Sarah hadn’t asked  Bristol to Google information about birth control.

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Unusually low temperatures and rain around San Francisco. Most Bay Area residents can’t remember being so cold here since their last Giants game at Candlestick.

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The judge overseeing Barry Bonds’ perjury case asked the lawyers on both sides to seek a plea bargain, “or rather “a resolution of this short of trial.” Translation, the judge is as sick of wasting time and money on this as most of the rest of us.

(My friend Ed Miller suggests, just tattoo an asterisk on his forthead and let him go.)

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Open note to the GOP: If you are really serious that our nation’s top priority is reducing abortions, what about making it a crime for heterosexual men without certified vasectomies to have sex outside of marriage?

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So any truth to the rumor that Mubarak’s next planned step is to run for Governor of Wisconsin?

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Things are getting wild indeed in Wisconsin.  The state hasn’t seen such outrage since Brett Favre signed with the Vikings.

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Life without a real Tiger: The Golf Channel has suspended Jim Gray from covering the “Northern Trust Open” after Gray had an altercation with Dustin Johnson’s caddie. This comes as real news to both people who were planning to watch the tournament.

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One of the few good things….

January 28, 2011

..about this ridiculous Super Bowl hype and endless countdown – once the game is over we’ll be only about a week from pitchers and catchers reporting for Spring Training.

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Though actually this year we get a bonus – the Green Bay Packers are on the front page, and Brett Favre’s decisions are not involved.

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One of this year’s Super Bowl commercials will feature both Justin Bieber and Ozzy Osbourne. Okay, I don’t know about the “good,” but we’ve certainly got the “bad” and the “ugly” down.

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Due to a U2 concert conflict, an interleague game next June between the attendance-challenged Florida Marlins and the lowly Seattle Mariners will be moved from Miami to Seattle. This is a major disappointment for both fans who were planning to buy tickets.

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The average Super Bowl ticket price on Stubhub is now over $3000.  Geez. For that amount you could get two bleacher tickets to a regular season Yankees games.

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Canadian’s defense minster Peter MacKay is facing some criticism for saying in a videotaped chat with Arnold Schwarzenegger that “British Columbia and California share a border.” And Sarah Palin retorted, “Give the guy a break, it’s not like the terrorists don’t already know that.”

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Taco Bell is fighting back against a lawsuit claiming their taco filling is only 35 percent beef with front page ads around the country saying it is actually 88 percent beef. Considering that “beef” is defined by the FDA as just about anything that comes out of a cow, maybe we’d all be better off if there really were 65 percent “other” filler.

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So let’s be real here, how many male political commentators are really hoping and praying that Michele Bachmann joins Sarah Palin in running for President in 2012? Object of course – a MILF cat fight/smackdown.

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The NHL is on its All Star Break, which means tonight about as many Americans are watching televised hockey as during the rest of the regular season.

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One of this year’s Super Bowl commercials will feature both Justin Bieber and Ozzy Osbourne. Okay, I don’t know about the “good,” but we’ve certainly got the “bad” and the “ugly” down.

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This very gracious message just in today from George W. Bush: “While I admittedly have not been as focused on politics as I was when I was President, and while I have some differences with Barack Obama, I do want to wish him good luck before he makes his very important State of the Union speech.”

The statement was particularly surprising because it’s the first time anyone’s heard  W. say he was focused on politics when he was President.

 

 

Open note to United Airlines: Updates are nice, but when you are sitting on a delayed plane where you have already received messages saying it will leave at 745p and then 800p, and then at 813p you get an email saying the flight will now leave at 815p… here’s a hint – everyone who cares has probably figured that out.

Finally, an ex-Floridian joke, apologies if  too “inside baseball.”  So now that former Tea-Party darling Marco Rubio has won his Senate seat over Charlie Crist and Kendrick Meek, he has both been a no-show at the Tea-Party caucus, and hired a DC GOP insider-lobbyist as his chief of staff. Not surprised, the only “change he can believe in” has always seemed to be change lining Rubio’s pockets.

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Floored.

January 15, 2011

For all those who said Nike founder Phil Knight couldn’t have wasted money on anything that looked sillier than the Oregon Ducks’ BCS championship uniforms (with day-glo shoes and socks),  I give you…. the new Oregon basketball floor.

And those are trees on the wood, not water stains.

Just think, had Knight only been an SEC or USC grad he wouldn’t have to come up with all these ways to spend money on athletics-  he could have given the case directly to the players.  (or their fathers.)

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So much for the lifelong glory of that Hall of Fame football career. Actual headline today in the SF Examiner – “Former ‘Dancing with the Stars’ ‘star’ Lawrence Taylor – probation in rape case.

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The Octomom said today in an interview on Oprah that she was addicted to having children. Another shocking revelation in a week that brought us Nicole Kidman’s admission of having used Botox.

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Maine Republican Governor Paul LePage is skipping an event on MLK day and told the NAACP chapter when they complained that they can “kiss my butt.” Interesting choice of words for a man who is also opposed to gay rights.

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Rich Rodriguez, the recently fired Wolverines football coach, said he donated over 400 maize-and-blue items he amassed during his three years in Ann Arbor to the Salvation Army. The University of Michigan, equally committed to avoid waste, donated all their Rich Rodriguez items to a local composting operation.

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While soliciting bids for a plate at a charity auction, Andre Agassi, who is married to Steffi Graff, said if the bidding reached $4000, he would show the winner a naked picture of his wife on his cell phone. Bill Clinton is planning a similar idea- unless the bidding goes well, he will show the winner a naked picture of HIS wife.

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According to Manny Ramirez’s agent, at least five MLB teams have shown interest in signing the temperamental slugger. “I’ll take ‘gluttons for punishment’ for $600, Alex.”

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Tim Pawlenty says he’s either going to “run for president or open a margarita bar.” Moderate Republicans around the country are setting up a fund to get Sarah Palin a nice little leased storefront in Wasilla with plenty of tequila.

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A Saturday without college football?

December 11, 2010

This week, between the regular season and the bowls, is basically the only Saturday without college football. Well, okay, there are some FCS (Division 2) playoffs, and the Army-Navy game.   Which basically means for hard core college fans the message is – “Don’t ask what’s on,” and “Don’t tell me the answer.”

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There is of course a big award ceremony in New York, where the only drama is whether the likely winner is likely to keep his trophy. Maybe for the sake of clarity this year’s award should be referred to as “the Interim Heisman?”

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Saturday over 109,000 fans will crowd into Michigan Stadium for an outdoor hockey game featuring the Wolverines and Michigan State Spartans. This will be the largest crowd at the stadium for any event other than a football game. At least until Michigan sells tickets to the public firing of Rich Rodriguez.

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Urban Meyer resigned from Florida “to spend more time with his family.”  But there is that Broncos head coaching job open, with Tim Tebow. Standby for God to give Meyer a sign about expanding the definition of family.

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A document written by James Naismith 119 years ago detailing the 13 rules of basketball was sold for over $4 million Friday. Naismith wrote the rules while a YMCA PE instructor, as an idea to entertain boys during the winter. Apparently he was particularly concerned about finding an outlet for a young Greg Oden.

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No one was hurt when a camel and her costumed rider fell into the audience during a rehearsal for a Christmas pageant in Florida. I can imagine it now – “We Three Kings….” oops, make that two kings.

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A Burger King employee is in custody today because he punched a 67 year old customer who was allegedly being disruptive, and the man later died. This is shocking. Normally the only thing that will kill you at Burger King are those double and triple Whoppers.

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How lucky is Alex Smith?  He’s had a horrible several years in and as out as quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers, and his poor performances look likely to continue. And yet, he’ still won’t go down in history as the worst Northern California quarterback draft pick this decade.

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The World Anti-Doping Agency is investigating Dimitrij Ovtcharov, who won a silver medal for Germany in table tennis at the Beijing Olympics. Apparently the agency became suspicious when he jumped the net to congratulate an opponent.

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Cam Newton says he “is not disappointed in his father.” Why should he be? Dad got the money and covered his son’s ass to boot.   Not a bad job.

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‎65 days until pitchers and catchers report for Spring Training 2011.  And about three weeks after that until Cubs fans start staying “Wait until Next Year.’

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Sarah Palin is going to Haiti for a humanitarian mission. This could work. Democrats, and some Republicans, are frantically raising money for the beleaguered country in hopes of offering them enough to keep her.

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Allegedly Palin is heading to Haiti because she wants to show her strength in Barack Obama’s childhood home.   I mean, Haiti, Hawaii, it’s the same place, right?  An island that starts with H and ends with I. (Unfortunately she can’t see either from her house.)

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Does being QB mean never having to say you’re sorry?

November 25, 2010

 Three days after their much publicized postgame argument,  Vince Young apparently texted an apology to coach Jeff Fisher.

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The text apparently didn’t go over well.  But really, how could you doubt  the sincerity of “OMG, @TEOTD, MY BAD, TTYL.”

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Coach Fisher is also apparently not a fan of modern technology in general.  Although he gets the basics.  When asked about Young later his alleged response – he’s GTG.

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A third straight loss for the Heat tonight. Well, we certainly know what NBA fans outside Miami are thankful for this year.

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Tom Delay was convicted today of money laundering. So the former Speaker of the House may not have won “Dancing with the Stars, but the jury decided that he was definitely “Dancing with the Truth.”

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Sarah Palin’s latest target, Michelle Obama: “Take her anti-obesity thing that she is on. What she is telling us is she cannot trust parents to make decisions for their own children, in what (they) should eat.” Uh, Sarah, about that trust thing. Have you checked out the U.S. childhood obesity stats lately? It’s about 1 in 3.

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But okay, Sarah thinks Michelle should drop the anti-obesity campaign and stay out of other people’s personal business. I’m waiting for her to tell Bristol she needs to drop the abstinence campaign and to stay out of other people’s sex lives.

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from Gary Morton:

Paterno’s alma mater, Brown, played in the 1916 Rose Bowl. It’s not true that Joe started at QB for the Bears that day – freshmen weren’t eligible to play then.

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A couple travelers have decided to protest the new TSA rules by simply wearing Speedos to the airport. Let’s hope this doesn’t catch on. But if it does, I think I can speak for all Americans when I say, it’s a good thing John Madden only travels by bus.

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Sarah Palin supporters laugh off the little gaffe she made in a radio interview, confusing North Korea with South Korea. And sure, anyone can make a mistake. But can you imagine her in the Oval Office? Red button, green button, it’s all so confusing….

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Some NFL fans have been urging the league to drop the Detroit Lions, who haven’t had a winning season in ten years, from hosting a traditional Thanksgiving day game. On the other hand, keeping the tradition alive does guarantee that all Americans can at least see a holiday turkey.

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Joe Paterno, he keeps going, and going, and going…

November 24, 2010

Joe Paterno has become the Energizer Bunny of college football.  OF course, at this point when he keeps going and going and going, sometimes his players have to point him in the right direction to get home.

Paterno, 83,  says he will be back at Penn State next year. Makes sense, he’s the only one who can translate his original playbook without using the Rosetta Stone.

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When Paterno started coaching, the Big Ten generally just referred to commandments.

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Paterno once said “It’s the name on the front of the jersey that matters most, not the one on the back.”   Of course at his age, it’s a lot easier to remember the name on the front than all the different names on the back.

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Joe Paterno says he will be back for yet another season to coach the Nittany Lions. Hasn’t he already been there longer than Penn has BEEN a state?.

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Meanwhile,  Duke coach  Mike Krzyzewski got his 800th coaching win.   And Coach K is only 63.   Most Duke fans think Johnny Dawkins left for Stanford as a temporary measure because even as the heir-apparent, he couldn’t see getting the head coaching job in Durham anytime soon.

And if Paterno is any indication, sounds like Dawkins has another few decades in Palo Alto.

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On Tuesday night (?!) in college football,  Miami (Ohio) beat Temple 23-3.   And if you watched the entire game and aren’t an alum of either school, it is just possible you might be in need of a life.

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Money, money, money, money. If Major League Baseball was run like the BCS system the Yankees and Cubs would automatically make the playoffs every year.

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One of Apple’s first computers has sold for more than $200,000.  Curiously enough, that’s about the average that the first Windows users spent on tech support.

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Jennifer Grey won “Dancing with the Stars” Tuesday night.   And no doubt before the week is out,  Sarah Palin will have figured out how to blame it on President Obama and the liberal media.

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Sarah Palin is actually trying to stump for Christine O’Donnell to be a contestant on the next “Dancing with the Stars.”   Suppose it could draw ratings. But the shows are worried that if O’Donnell were booted off, she’d turn the remaining contestants into toads.

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All these people praising Bristol Palin on DWTS, both for her dancing and how impressive a job she is doing as a single mother…   Wonder how they’d react if the unwed teen mom on the show was the daughter of say, Jesse Jackson?

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Friday follies.

November 20, 2010

Sarah Palin’s publisher is suing Gawker for leaking pages of her upcoming book. Apparently Palin is particularly upset because people are asking her questions about the book and her staff hasn’t told her yet  what she was supposed to have written.

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The TSA has agreed that airline pilots with valid ID’s can skip the security scanning and pat-downs that normal passengers go through at the airports. Pilot groups are pleased. This means less potential harmful radiation, and a much easier time bringing their onboard flasks.

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The FDA is about to ban alcohol beverages containing caffeine. Great, so you can go to San Francisco and get a legal medical marijuana prescription, but you may have to start going to a speakeasy to get an Irish Coffee.

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Prince Charles indicated in a recent interview that as King he would consider making Camilla Queen. In a followup interview, Queen Elizabeth said she is considering living forever.

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Due to the stadium’s small size, the University of Illinois-Northwest football game this weekend at Wrigley Field will use only one end zone. Actually, they should have used the field for last night’s Bears-Dolphins game. Not like Miami needed the end zone anyway.

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Some fans are wondering – why choose WrigleyField  out of all of the stadiums to host a novelty college football game?  Apparently the NCAA thought it would be a nice gesture for local fans,  who haven’t seen a meaningful game played at Wrigley since about July.

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Although as we get close to bowl season, it becomes apparent that to fill all the existing bowls, some teams with VERY mediocre records are going to get postseason bids.  Including possibly the UCLA Bruins, who have not beaten one time with a .500 record or better. 

So what exactly is the NCAA trying to accomplish here by rewarding these lousy team?  Become the NFC West?

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One problem with Facebook increasingly reaching an older demographic… You have more and more friends sending you birthday wishes, at the same time you are -starting to forget who more and more of these people are.

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Despite consistently low scores, Bristol Palin is one of the last three contestants on “Dancing with the Stars.” Now we know the true meaning of her name -it’s Alaskan for “Sanjaya.”

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from Marc Ragovin:

This past Monday was the 58th anniversary of the Peanuts comic strip in which Lucy pulls the ball away from Charlie Brown as he is about to kick it. Charles Schulz once said he never would have gotten the idea if Brown’s regular holder — Bret Favre — hadn’t been injured.

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Rings and things.

November 19, 2010

 Tony Parker has three rings with the San Antonio Spurs. Sounds like maybe he should have bought another, for his wife.

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I’m not sure Brett Favre gets it. The last time he went through airport security he told the TSA guy. “Nice picture, can you send it to this girl I know?”

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Felix Hernandez of the lowly Seattle Mariners won the AL Cy Young Award with a major-league leading ERA. 2.27, although only a 13-12 record. Hernandez may never win another Cy Young, but at least his win total should go up when he ends up in pinstripes.

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Apparently Major League Baseball is likely to expand the playoffs to include 10 teams, but not until at least 2012. Which means that next year the Red Sox and Yankees will have to make the playoffs the old-fashioned way, by buying free agents and picking up big names at the trade deadline.

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Derek Jeter is unhappy with the Yankees’ offer of $21 million a year for three years. This after a season in which most sportswriters agree he won the Golden Glove mostly on reputation, and hit all of .270. If New York actually ups the ante to keep Jeter maybe the SF Giants should talk to them about taking Zito.

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Ron Artest of the Los Angeles Lakers told a reporter today that after he retires from the NBA,  he wants to play for an NFL team. Is he nuts? While Artest is a great athlete, there’s no way the guy is ready to play professional football. Which means he’s already received an invitation to try out for the Buffalo Bills.

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TC Chong wonders if there is a Guinness World Record for most times an announcer has been “muted” via the remote on a sports broadcast? If so, he thinks it be Joe Theismann.  I would say Tim McCarver would give him a run for his money.

TC also points out in the “something’s got to give” department,  that the Detroit Lions haven’t won on the road in 25 games, and the Dallas Cowboys haven’t won at all in their new stadium.   And wonders “A 10-10 overtime tie anyone? You heard it here first.”

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Sarah Palin knocked “American Idol” contestants, saying they were “untalented victims of the cult of self-esteem.” Right. As opposed to the well-adjusted, supremely gifted and attractive people who go on “Dancing with the Stars.”

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(this next partially inspired by Palin.)

Ah, delusions. If a man is rich, women will think he is attractive. If a woman is attractive, men will think she is smart.

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Senator Chris Dodd is denying that he sent a tweet that went out to his followers this morning saying “U love torturing me with this sh**.” Not that I think politicians are saints but am inclined to believe him. How many 66 year old men actually know how to send a tweet anyway?

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Many Americans just don’t understand all the hoopla over the engagement between Prince William and Kate Middleton. After all, William will only be King due to an accident of birth. Yet some of those same people were excited to hear that Jeb Bush might run for president.

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George W. Bush was on the tonight show Thursday, and made a joke about not having an exit strategy. Which would have been funnier if that lack hadn’t cost thousands of Americans their lives.

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Thank you, Sarah.

November 18, 2010

While Palin certainly helped Tina Fey become the youngest winner ever of the Mark Twain American humor award, she has also been a generous source of material to many of us lesser writers.

Today for example, was a bonanza. (Palin fans might want to skip to the last several  jokes.)

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 Sarah Palin said she believed she could beat Barack Obama in the 2012 Presidential election. Has anyone told her the balloting procedure is just a little different from “Dancing with the Stars?”

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Palin also says that President Obama wasn’t properly “vetted” and now it is “coming home to roost.” Meanwhile, many Republicans are thinking, had John McCain done a little more vetting himself, the GOP would have probably won the Senate this year.

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And in Sarah Palin’s latest book, “America by Heart,” she apparently wrote that it was “disgusting” to watch “the father of my grandchild” Levi Johnston exploit his sudden fame. Right, as opposed to the mother of her grandchild.

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Wonder how Palin chose the title “America by Heart?”  I thought she thought America was by Russia?

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The book has not officially been released yet, though excerpts have been leaked. One thing’s for sure – looks like an early Christmas for comedy writers.

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Meanwhile, Willow Palin, 16, posted on her facebook page a number of slurs directed at a classmate, including telling him “Your (sic) such a f**got” Great, a homophobic illiterate. Her mother must be so proud.

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And not that I personally agree with Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski on a number of issues. But must admit, it’s kind of fun to watch. She’s irritating the GOP leadership these days more than any woman whose last name isn’t Pelosi.

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Tea Party Republican candidate Joe Miller has not yet conceded to Murkowski, who apparently has won re-election as a write-in candidate.  Miller’s latest potential  challenge, that her candidacy was unfair because she was actually appealing only to voters who could both read and write

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First Steve Nash announces he is divorcing, now Tony Parker’s wife has filed papers. Okay, who’d a thunk the longest married superstar in the NBA might end up being Kobe Bryant?

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One silver lining with this whole TSA invasive issue – After you make it through the airport Thanksgiving weekend, by comparision your mother’s questions at dinner may not seem quite so probing.

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In Los Angeles, supervisors have banned plastic bags. Said one lawmaker, “Plastic bags are a pollutant, they pollute the urban landscape.” Stand by for the supervisors’ next action – banning the Los Angeles Clippers.

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A Dutch company claims they have invented a skin patch that will help you lose weight. Sure, why not? Especially if you stick it over your mouth.

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Bits and pieces.

November 10, 2010

A particularly random collection of thoughts tonight:

First a little NBA news:  The New Orleans Hornets are undefeated.   And tonight’s score from South Beach  – Utah 116 – Miami 114.

Maybe Lebron should have taken his talents to South Louisiana. Or the South Shore of Salt Lake.

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The latest from Alaska, which may soon change their state slogan to “And you thought Florida was weird”:

Joe Miller, the Republican tea party candidate who may have lost to Senator Lisa Murkowski and her write-in campaign, is now filing a lawsuit to invalidate ballots where “Murkowski” was spelled incorrectly.

Um, excuse me, if being able to spell correctly was any sort of  requirement in politics,  this country would never have elected George W.

(or for that matter, Dan Quayle.)

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Charlie Sheen is dismissing concerns about his New York hotel room meltdown, saying it was just “one bad night.” Yeah, by that standard, the Titanic only had “one bad night.”

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Dallas Cowboys fans who visit the team’s website were out of luck for a couple days. According to the Dallas Morning News, the team forgot to renew the dallascowboys.com domain, and the site was left blank. It’s that attention to detail that has made the Cowboys what they are today.

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Regarding New York’s contract negotiations with Derek Jeter, a source purportedly with “intimate knowledge” of the discussions told ESPN – “The Yankees are going to overpay him.” That’s “intimate knowledge”? The Yankees overpay everybody.

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You never know when there might be a silver lining.  Think of the schools who might have dropped out early in the recruiting battle for Auburn quarterback Cam Newton when the price seemed too high.

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Meanwhile at USC they are shocked?  Some other school actually might have outbid them?

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The latest allegations have Newton telling a Mississippi State recruiter that the Auburn “money was too much.”

Who knew that one of the main differences between the NFL and NCAA football might be that the NFL has a salary cap.

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(In all semi-seriousness I can see where this could be going.  Since it’s just rumors at this point, the young quarterback leads Auburn to a top ten season and a  BCS bowl. Fans have a great time.  Then when more details come out the school “forfeits” their wins and goes on probation.   And Newton signs a big NFL contract.   Yeah, that’ll teach them.  

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Go figure, in San Francisco just about anyone can get a medical marijuana prescription. But heaven help you now if you decide to satisfy the munchies with a small cheeseburger and fries and want a free toy to go with that.

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Carnival Cruise Lines’ new slogan? “When you’re hot, you’re hot.”

Or maybe “Row, row, row your boat.”

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It could be worse for those stranded passengers on the Carnival Splendor.  Kathy Lee Gifford could be stuck on board with them.

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Well,  Bristol Palin may not be the most talented on Dancing with the Stars, but at least she has proven she’s not a clone of her mother.  The competition is more than halfway over, and Bristol hasn’t quit yet.

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Meanwhile, Bristol’s mother is battling yet another member of the “liberal media,” this time calling out a reporter, Sudeep Reddy, who questioned her knowledge about inflation, or rather the lack thereof.  Palin accused him of “not reading his own paper.”   Except two things – first, Sarah misquoted the article in question, and second, this liberal paper Reddy writes for  is  the Wall Street Journal.

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The latest to “fear the beard” – NBC censors.

November 5, 2010

 “The Machine” joined Brian Wilson on the Thursday’s ” The Tonight Show with Jay Leno.”  Even Conan said, “Okay, now that’s twisted.”

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Apparently there was talk of censoring “the Machine,”  until the powers-that-be realized no one was really watching the Tonight Show any more anyway.

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Good thing Wilson chose baseball over football. Tonight’s appearance would have guaranteed a fine from the No Fun League.

(assuming anyone reading this is familar with “the Machine.”  For his origins, google “Brian Wilson” and “Chris Rose” interview.  Maybe without children under 10 looking over your shoulder.)

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They’re still cleaning up from the parade and celebration in S.F.  But says T.C.  – “At least the field at A T and T Park isn’t frozen over, like it would be at Wrigley if the Cubs ever won.”

Actually, my friend Alex Kaseberg had a great joke on the same topic:

“Isn’t the San Francisco Giant’s AT&T Park beautiful? I’d say it is as beautiful as Chicago’s Wrigley Field in late October, but nobody has ever seen Wrigley Field in late October.”

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Longtime New York Mets clubhouse manager Charlie Samuels has been suspended due to allegations of illegal gambling.   So far, however, the allegations,  are only for betting on horse racing and football, not baseball.  Makes sense, who in their right mind would bet on the Mets?

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Considering how many Americans seem to think the new Congress will just waive a magic wand and fix everything, it’s surprising more of them didn’t vote for someone who had at least dabbled in witchcraft.

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For the last three elections, especially in Congress, many Americans have voted for “change.” Translation “make MY life better.” Wonder how long it takes them to discover that this latest group of electeds won’t instantly make that happen. Stand by for another vote for change in 2012.

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After Tuesday’s elections, President Obama offered the Republicans a post-election olive branch. John Boehner offered one back, tipped with curare.

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Bristol Palin apparently was too busy to vote in this election. Does this mean that when she’s done with all these reality shows Sarah’s daughter plans to run for Governor of California?

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Actually, Sarah Palin didn’t take the news too badly.  Of course the bar has been lowered a bit when Bristol says “Mom, there’s something I need to tell you.”

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George W. Bush will apparently appear on “Oprah” to promote his memoirs. The former President has now joined an exclusive club – those who have written a book before they read one.

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One definite bit of good news about SF Mayor Gavin Newsom’s election as Lieutenant Governor. No one will be able to accuse him this time of focusing on a campaign for his NEXT elected office and neglecting his duties. (The California Lieutenant Governor doesn’t really have any.)

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The NCAA has dropped one of the serious charges against Michigan football coach Rich Rodriguez, and only added one year of probations to the team’s self-imposed punishment. Apparently looking at the Wolverines’ record lately, the NCAA couldn’t see that the school had gained any advantage from the infractions.

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New York State of Whine…

October 20, 2010

 

Yankees down 3-1 in the ALCS to Texas?    This would never have happened while George Steinbrenner was alive. He would have just bought the whole Rangers team.

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Its not that Yankees players haven’t heard fans scream ‘Yankees suck” before.  They just usually haven’t heard it in New York.

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Maybe when Jerry Jones proclaimed so loudly that a Dallas team would be playing for the championship, he should have specified what sport.

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And who’d a thunk that the Rangers might win – might have won – more games in October than the Cowboys will win all year.

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Stat of the night: Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter together make as much as the entire payroll of the Texas Rangers.

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For Giants fans, torture is an acquired taste.  And bandwagon fans may not even realize it when they see it. Take today, when Brian Wilson induced a double-play grounder from Raul Ibanez to end the game and preserve a 3-0 SF win.

Longtime (or at least regular 2010)  Giants fans just KNEW Wilson was going to let Ibanez get on base and bring Carlos Ruiz, the Phillies power-hitting catcher, to the plate as the tying run.  Not that Brian wasn’t  going to get Ruiz out.  But we all expected it was going to be a lot closer to the edge.

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But meanwhile, the rumor was that Fox scheduled the Giants-Phillies game three for the absurd time of 119p, (419p eastern time.)  so it didn’t interfere with their Tuesday night hit show.

Well if so, for this Tuesday at least there was still no Glee in Philadelphia.

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Okay, for the trade of the year as far as benefiting both teams, can I nominate the trade that sent Benji Molina to the Rangers? (And it doesn’t even matter that Chris Ray isn’t on the Giants playoff roster. The kid they replaced Molina with has done okay.)

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And whatever side you’re on in Calfiornia, and even if you don’t care that much about baseball, there is something about the Giants (so far) miracle postseason run.  At least you stand a chance of turning on the television and seeing something positive as opposed to the near 24/7 political ads.

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Meanwhile, from the Windy City:  Instead of going with Ryne Sandberg as expected, the Chicago Cubs chose interim manager Mike Quade, 535, to manage the club in 2011. Makes sense, the guy managed more than 2300 games in the Expos, Phillies, As and Cubs farm system. So he has experience in dealing with Triple A level talent.

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During their Delaware Senate debate Tuesday night Christine O’Donnell challenged her opponent Chris Coons “Where in the Constitution is separation of church and state?” Well, added to all those colleges she didn’t attend, I can only surmise the classes she didn’t take were in history.

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Details, details…  Details, details. Sarah Palin recently sent out a tweet saying that Pennsylvania voters need to send Republican John Raese to the Senate. Except that Raese is the Republican nominee in West Virginia.

 Asked my friend Neil Berliner  “Sarah, which states do you know?”   “Oh, all of ‘m.”

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Vacations, probations, etc…

August 9, 2010

The First Lady is taking some heat for this trip to Spain with Sasha. But hey, her daughter is probably taking Spanish in school and Michelle wanted to take her somewhere where they speak the language.

Of course, the GOP would argue in that case it would have been cheaper just to go to Los Angeles.

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All these Republicans complaining about the first lady’s European vacation…. I guess they feel the Obamas should act like a real American family and buy a multimillion dollar Texas ranch or Maine compound for their summer vacations.
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This week a California company recalled over one million pounds of ground beef. Worried savvy consumers are flocking to Jack in the Box – it’s one place they can be assured there is no beef in those hamburgers.

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The University of Tennessee is under investigation from the Lane Kiffin days for allegedly hiring attractive women to serve as hostess for recruits. Regarding these hostesses, there are pictures of them with players and recruits that have been widely circulated, yet, Kiffin says after practice at USC “that the investigation won’t find any wrongdoing.”

Yep, I can see why the Trojans thought he was a worthy successor to Pete Carroll.

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-from reader T.C.

Plaxico Burress has applied for a work release from prison. No word on whether he plans on working for the Cincinnati Bengals or the Washington Wizards.

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In the CFL (Canadian Football League) the Toronto Argonauts, with a history of being doormats, are actually 4 and 2. Which means maybe there’s hope for the NFL Detroit Lions? Okay, let’s not get carried away.

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In the Little League World Series, not only will they be using instant reply, the managers will be allowed to challenge calls on force outs, tags, missed bases and hit batsmen. Well, it’s good to see baseball deciding to get the important games right.

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The Chicago Cubs are coming to play the San Francisco Giants this week. Now, okay, I understand if you were born in Chicago and became a Cubs fan. But I have met many fans over the years from all over the U.S. who just adopted the Cubs as their team.

Why not just wear a t-shirt saying “I am a masochist.”

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The New York Mets added a couple Triple-A players to their roster on Saturday, and released Alex Cora. But really, the way New York is playing, can we really refer to it as a call up from the minors? Seems more like a lateral move to me.

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Bristol Palin said that the reason she ended her second engagement to Levi Johnston is that Levi was “obsessed with the limelight.” Added her mother Sarah, “Yeah, thats MY job.”

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President Obama played basketball today with some current and former NBA stars in an exhibition game in Washington to entertain wounded troops. Apparently Obama had thought of giving them tickets to Washington Wizards games, but then decided that the troops had suffered enough.

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Lies, damn lies, and propositions….

August 5, 2010

An open question to all those in favor of Prop 8. Can any gay couple make more of a mockery of the idea of marriage than Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston?

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Semi serious note: I just don’t see why conservatives oppose gay marriage. Leave the moral and fairness issues aside and let’s talk money. Married couples pay higher tax rates. And weddings – including the reception and gifts – are expensive, which boost the state economy and bring in more sales tax. More sales tax revenue equals less need for raising income taxes.

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Brett Favre now said Wednesday that he hasn’t decided on retirement, and the decision won’t be about money. Too bad, otherwise there is a chance we could pay him to go away.

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Alex Rodriguez hit his 600th home run today. “That’s really awesome” said absolutely no one outside New York.

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Two women have been charged with misdemeanors for a fight that led to a brawl during a Southern California kindergarten graduation ceremony.
I guess we can expect felonies when their daughters try out for cheerleading.

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Redskins defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth skipped yet another conditioning test and still isn’t allowed to practiced. Haynesworth hasn’t blown off this many tests since he was at the University of Tennessee.

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Rudy Giuliani’s daughter was arrested for shoplifting in New York. It will be interesting to see how Rudy ties this to 9/11.

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In San Francisco, federal authorities today announced the a number of arrests, and seizure of more than 200,000 counterfeit retail items valued at $100 million, in one of the largest such busts ever in Caliifornia, The retailers, many near Fisherman’s Wharf, had been selling Louis Vuitton, Gucci and Chanel labeled items, for a fraction of the cost of the real thing

Local reaction was mixed. 25 percent said the arrests wer warranted, 25 percent said they were unnecessary, and 50 percent said they wished they had known the names of the stores earlier.

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NFL commissioner Roger Goodell says testing players for HGH is about the “integrity of the game.” When a player can be suspended for steroids and go to the Pro Bowl in the same season I would ask “What integrity of the game?”

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Happy Birthday to Barack Obama. Wonder what the over-under was on conservative commentators who both wished him a happy day and once again brought up the issue of his birth certificate? (Open note to all doubters – if he had faked being born in the U.S., trust me, Hillary would have proved it.)

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Meg Whitman said today “In all likelihood I will vote no on Prop. 23,” (the climate change law suspension proposition.) Actually given Whitman’s past history, the first six words of her statement would have been newsworthy enough.

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Dog days…

August 3, 2010

August begins baseball’s “dog days of summer” – when exhaustion is creeping in for most players, but the pennant races are heating up. Which means fans of contending teams can face agonizing games with high hopes and crushing disappointments.

And in Chicago, the unofficial motto now is “August at Wrigley Field – one of the most stress-free experiences in baseball.”
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Ozzie Guillen is making waves, again, by saying that baseball should provide translators for Latino players like they routinely do for Asian players.

But why stop there? Heck, with translators most Americans could have actually understood George W. Bush. And politicians running in the general elections could find one translator for conservative groups and one for liberals. That way they wouldn’t have to come up with two different speeches.

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The Pac 10 is going to change their name to the Pac 12, so as new commissioner Larry Scott says, the conference can be “mathematically correct.” The commish’s next task, explaining to USC players what “mathematically correct” means.

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Quarterback Jeremiah Masoli was expelled from his first high school, and kicked off the University of Oregon team for repeated run-ins with the law, most recently driving on a suspended license and possessing marijuana. He just transferred to Mississippi, which was rated #5 on the top ten list of party schools. What could possibly go wrong?

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Mitch Miller died today at the age of 99. His last wish was to be buried in a round, rubber coffin, so mourners could “follow the bouncing ball.”

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California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman has suddenly started changing her positions on a several issues, from immigration, to climate change, to state furloughs. She said the timing has nothing to do with the fact she is now running a general election campaign, but that because she didn’t vote or pay attention until recently, it took her until now to learn how to act like a politician.

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A survey said cat owners are 40 percent less likely than the public at large to die of heart attacks. But the same benefit is not found from owning a dog.

This could be for one of two reasons – first, that cats are just inherently soothing creatures. Second, that cat owners know that if if the backup plan is counting on a cat for heroism, you had better stay healthy.

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just asking…….

An increasing number of conservatives want to update the 14th amendment to deny “birthright citizenship,” because they feel that the constitution should adapt to the modern immigration problem. In that case can we also look at the modern murder problem, and consider updating the 2nd amendment while we’re at it?

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