Posted tagged ‘Bush jokes’

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Oh brother.

December 16, 2014

Jeb Bush says he is “actively exploring” a presidential bid after talking with his family over Thanksgiving. So is he serious about running, or just trying to prove he can use bigger words than his brother?

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A source says Sen. Marco Rubio will run for President in 2016, even if Jeb Bush also runs. Two candidates from Florida in one national election. Even Jewish late-night talk show hosts are thinking “Thank you, Jesus.”

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Some stories almost don’t need a punchline, but… NY Jets CB Josh Thomas tweeted that his playbook has been stolen. 1. The Jets HAVE a playbook? 2. The thief when caught will be tested for insanity.

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The Chargers decided they will not relocate in 2015. In a statement “The team will not be exercising the lease termination clause and will keep working to find a publicly acceptable way to build a Super Bowl-quality stadium in San Diego.” Of course, what fans really want is a Super Bowl-quality TEAM in San Diego.

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Meanwhile, once again, rumors are that Sunday could be the Raiders last game in Oakland. And many fans are thinking “Promise?”

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A new poll by Men’s and Women’s Health found that only 37% of men and 48% of women think it’s cheating to have a Tinder account. So your chance of accidentally finding your significant other also online are better than you think.

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It is wrong to take pleasure in the suffering of others. Nonetheless, this one’s for my fellow ‪#‎SFGiants‬ fans: The LA ‪#‎Dodgers‬ DFA Brian Wilson, and will eat his $9.5 million contract.

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Jay Gruden has been told he will return as Washington’s coach next year. Translation, Dan Snyder can’t find anyone else to take over that mess.

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The newest Heisman winner appeared on David Letterman last night and read “Top 10 thoughts that went through Marcus Mariota’s mind when he won the Heisman Trophy.” You can tell the Oregon QB is from the Pac 12. He can count to 10.

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Yankees GM Brian Cashman, lowering expectations for A-Rod during an interview today “I can’t expect Alex to be anything.” Oh, I don’t know. A magnet for tabloid headlines seems a pretty sure bet.

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In New Jersey, three elementary school teachers have been suspended and will probably be fired for having what they thought was a private email chat where they referred to their “moron” special needs students. Seems like the real morons here are any adults, not only for their insensitivity, but for thinking that in this day and age any emails are truly private.

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Larry J. Cano, 90, has died,He founded El Torito restaurant, the first big U.S. Mexican food chain. In his honor, millions of Americans will toast with a sugary slushy margarita that few people in Mexico would recognize..

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#‎whythereisnosatire‬ Ted Cruz apologized today to other GOP Senators for keeping them in D.C. last Saturday: “The senator acknowledged that a number of his colleagues had to unexpectedly change their weekend plans, and he apologized to them for inconveniencing their personal schedules,”

Ah, shutting down the government and, causing all kinds of people not to be paid, that’s not a problem, but “inconveniencing personal schedules” of mostly millionaires, that Cruz feels bad about. ….

 

 

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Behaving badly?

December 5, 2014

George W.s’ daughter Jenna Bush Hager said in response to a question about her possibly fooling around in the White House: “You know maybe there was a little hanky-panky. There was like maybe a kiss on the roof.” Just guessing there won’t be any congressional aides telling Jenna to “show a little class.”

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ESPN headline “Tiger 11 behind leader Spieth.” 11 behind doesn’t sound great. But guess it’s better than saying it another way, that Tiger Woods is last in an 18 man field.

 

Eagles coach Chip Kelly, dismissing rumors he might jump back to the NCAA. “I don’t think our pro offense would work at the college level.”. So how much did his Oregon Ducks get paid anyway?

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A baby was born in Colorado that weighed 13 lbs, 13 oz. LSU coach Les Miles was about to offer the kid a scholarship until he learned it was a girl.

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It’s been reported that Warren Buffett donated $25,000 to Ready for Hillary, a Super PAC supporting Clinton for President. With all due respect, isn’t that about Buffet’s average income from a single one of his accounts for 15 seconds?

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Rand Paul is blaming Eric Garner’s death on the high NYC cigarette tax, because he says it’s driven cigarettes underground and “put our police in a dangerous situation with bad laws.” By that token how many deaths is he going to blame on drug and prostitution laws?

 

 

Ryan Leaf has just been released from a Montana prison after two years. Over-under on how long it takes him to get a call from the ‪#‎NYJets‬?

 

 

The Washington Post is reporting that coach Jay Gruden is “done” with RG3. Still another option for the ‪#‎NYJets‬?

 

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UAB – (University of Alabama – Birmingham), is eliminating football. Because we all know the state of Alabama doesn’t have enough money to waste on the sport….

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The Florida Gators have hired Jim McElwain from Colorado State with a reported 6 year contract. The deal includes a $7.5 million buyout, and $2 million for a future game that CSU will play in Gainesville. Given Gator fans’ expectations let’s hope McElwain is around long enough for that game.

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Rumor has it that the ‪#‎SFGiants‬ are interested again in Melky Cabrera. So guess they’re done crying over spilled melk?

 

 

So Anna Duggar, 26, “reality show star”, is pregnant with her fourth child in 6 years of marriage and it is “trending.” This is news because the young woman herself is famous for no other reason than that she married into a family with 19 children…. ‪#‎Beammeupscottythereisnointelligentlifeonthisplanet‬

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From T.C.  – one for my male readers –  “Pizza Hut is testing digital technology with an app that can predict what you will order by scanning where your eyes are looking at when you analyze their ‘electronic tablet menu’. Of course, it would always conclude that I want the waitress with the biggest boobs.”

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Captain Courageous?

April 25, 2013

At a press conference today in Yankee Stadium, Derek Jeter vowed to return to the field in 2013. Of course he didn’t say whether it might be to throw out a ceremonial first pitch.

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Some are openly questioning how the alleged Boston bomber’s wife could be so completely in the dark about  her husband’s secret life. At least no one’s asked for a public comment from Hillary Clinton.

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LeBron James, on finishing second to Marc Gasol for the NBA’s Defensive Player of the Year award: “It sucks. It definitely sucks, though, finishing second. Who wants to finish second?” Well, this ought to take care of Lebron’s reputation for whining.

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Shocking story about a baby in Delhi sold twice on Facebook. Many Indians can’t believe it. They figured babies were only sold on Ebay.

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The  NFL Draft started Thursday. W ell, it was about time football finally got some #ESPN coverage.

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Wonder how many SEC players who got drafted are due for a pay cut?

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Really? Ebay is emailing all members telling us to tell Congress “No” on proposed online sales tax legislation, as it is “wrongheaded”, “unfair” and a “burden” for small businesses. Except that businesses with less than $1 mill. a year in online sales would be exempt. Guess it depends on what the definition of “small” is.

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Now the media is reporting “Carnival Cruise ship evacuated.” The story, after barge explosions on the Mobile River, crew members who are living on the Carnival Triumph while it is being repaired were taken off for safety reasons. Dear Gawd. When the ship is repaired will they report on the number of people with hangovers and upset stomachs from overindulging on board?

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Stockholm police apparently found illegal narcotics on Justin Bieber’s tour bus. So is this enough for the U.S. to deport him back to Canada

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The alleged Boston bombers’ mother says she believes that the bombing was fake, “a show,” and that the blood was “paint.” Wow. Even U.S. Conspiracy theorists are impressed. What’s next, a talk radio gig?

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Asked if her son Jeb should run for President, Barbara Bush responded “He’s by far the best qualified man, but no. We’ve had enough Bushes. It’s not just four families, or whatever” Hmm, maybe the Bush we should have elected was Barbara.

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Stanford LB Alex Debniak gave an interesting and articulate pre-draft interview on local radio today. Although he did say at one point “Me and my agent…” Quick, check for academic fraud.

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Guess  Manti T’eo being a first round draft pick was as much of an illusion as the Notre Dame star’s girlfriend. #NFLDraft

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Call ups and kickoffs.

September 3, 2011

On a positive note for Northern California sports fans, Stanford’s football team kicks off their season today against San Jose State. And considering the way the 49ers and Raiders are playing in the pre-season, the Cardinal just might be the best team in the Bay Area.

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Meanwhile up in Eugene: QB Jeremiah Massoli was booted in 2010 after a burglary arrest, RB LaMichael James was suspended the same year over a domestic violence charge, and now QB Cliff Harris has been suspended after he was cited for driving 118 mph (and telling a state trooper on tape “there’s no marijuana, we smoked it all.”) Isn’t it time to rename the team the Oregon Bengals?

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Boise State will be without three starters for their season opener against Georgia, pending a review of those players’ NCAA eligibility. Yep, looks like the Broncos have made it to the big time.

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George W. Bush declined to criticize Dick Cheney’s book saying simply “I’m glad members of my family are giving their version of what it was like to serve our country.” Translation – “does anyone REALLY think I’ll read the thing?

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The post office is going to come out with a Ted Williams stamp. All paper cuts from licking the stamp will presumably only come from splendid splinters.

(Or as my friend Alex Schubert says, from ice crystals.)

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Sarah Palin is planning a major speech to a Tea Party rally in Iowa, which amongts other things, will be a “sharp indictment” of President Obama. Well, of course, amongst his other failings, Obama has gone past the halfway point of his term without quitting.

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GOP Candidate Ron Paul is lagging in the polls. Friday in New Hampshire he invited staffers and reporters to join him on a bike ride. During the ride, 76 year old congressman wore shorts. Please, no one give this idea to Newt Gingrich.

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For some time now, savvy travelers from the U.S. to Canada have known they could check a bag for free by booking the identical flight as Air Canada instead of their code-share partner United. Today the two carriers streamlined their policies – Air Canada will start charging too. Yeah,corporations are people. Greedy people.

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Derek Holland of the Texas Rangers has been averaging more than 7 runs of support a game when he has taken the mound in 2011. That background sound you hear is SF Giants pitchers quietly sobbing.

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Actually, the Giants, in their first game of September with the expanded rosters, actually scored some runs and beat the Arizona Diamondbacks 6-2.

Bringing up the question, why didn’t manager Bruce Bochy take a page from “50 First Dates” and set the clubhouse calendar to Sept 1 weeks ago?

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The NCAA punished UConn’s mens basketball team for rules violations and poor academic performance with a loss of scholarships. But now that star recruit Andre Drummond has at the last minute decided to skip prep school and join the Huskies, another player gave up his scholarship for him. Well, at least Drummond will only need the scholarship for a year.

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Here’s a potential solution to the “One and Done” issue in College Basketball. (A variation on the baseball model which says that college players must stay three years.) A school can give a scholarship to any star, even one they don’t think will stay. But that scholarship can’t be used again for three years, whether he leaves for the NBA or not.

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Former OSU coach Jim Tressel was just hired by the Indianapolis Colts as a game-day consultant to help determine when the team should challenge plays. Wonder if the Colts will pay him in memorabilia and tattoos?

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My friend Mark Brickman said of the current Congress: “They wouldn’t save their own mother if it somehow benefited the President.” Well, I think actually they might. But they would blame whatever put her life in danger on Obama.

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Streak Buster.

November 16, 2010

Congrats to Buster Posey on winning NL Rookie of the Year. And that big collective sigh of relief you hear is all the writers who picked Jason Heyward before the NLDS.

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Posey was the first Giants to win the award since 1975.   A 35 year winless streak.   Wonder if back then Aubrey Huff was wearing a thong over his Pampers?.

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Since 1975, nine Los Angeles Dodgers have won the award. And curiously enough, the ONLY writer who didn’t even have Posey’s name on his ballot at all – Japan’s beat writer for the Dodgers.

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(Had Heyward won, particularly after he disappeared in the playoffs, would it have been considered a rookie mistake?)

Apparently Buster Posey was asked after winning the NL Rookie of the Year award if he would do the “I’m going to Disneyland” commercial. But Posey declined, saying he wanted to wait until he was old enough to go on all the rides.

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CNN asked the question. Is Sarah Palin’s “Alaska” reality TV or a campaign ad? The two, however, are not mutually exclusive.

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How much of a rout was the Eagles-Redskins game? At one point the p.a. system started playing “On Wisconsin.”-

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Before the Monday night game, the Redskin signed Donovan McNabb to a five-year contract extension worth $78 million,  $40 million guaranteed. And then he went out and threw three interceptions in a 59-28 lost to the Eagles.

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So just for one week, Washingtonians of all political persuasions agree the town’s biggest waste of money had nothing to do with Congress.

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from my funny friend Jerry Perisho :  Vikings owner Zygi Wilf says he is not considering firing coach Brad Childress.… That is NFL-speak for, “His ass will be tossed out in the snow any day.”

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Wisconsin coach Bret Bielman denied he was trying to run up the score, even though the Badgers beat Indiana 83-20, and were passing with a 69-13 lead. I guess had they really been trying to run up the score he’d have called fourth quarter “Hail Marys?.”

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Bill Clinton is going to appear in “Hangover 2.” Though for many Americans “Hangover 2” is the thought that another of George Bush’s sons may run for president.

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Actually, I’m confused, didn’t we break away from England partly to get away from a hereditary monarchy?

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Rachel Uchitel, Tiger Wood’s first alleged mistress, decided to finally tell her story to England’s “Daily Mail”   Yes, there was a time when we all thought Tiger’s marriage was on the rocks simply due to one affair.

Just as some naive sports fans believed Brett Favre would only have one retirement.

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Uchitel reportedly told a friend last summer she still wanted to marry Woods.  Let’s put that statement in the category of “Maybe not so smart women, but definitely foolish choices.”

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Alaska GOP senator Lisa Murkowski said she would not support Sarah Palin for President, saying she didn’t think she had “leadership qualities,” or “intellectual curiosity.” Of course, there are dissenters – “Whatever that intellectual stuff was, I never needed it” responded George W. Bush

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We are the champions, of the world….

November 2, 2010

Well, the U.S. and Canada anyway.

SF Giants’ first World Championship in 1954.

Curiously enough, that was Jamie Moyer’s rookie year.

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This isn’t like some twisted episode of Dallas, is it? Where we wake up tomorrow and find out it was all a dream.

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Two reasons for folks in Northern California to celebrate. 1 – The Giants just won the World Series. 2. After tomorrow we are DONE with Meg Whitman commercials.

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Jerry Brown, Edgar Renteria. It’s shaping up to be a good November for re-treads.

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Actually the Giants haven’t won a World Series since 1954.  Coicidentally the same year that Jerry Brown was first eligible for Social Security.

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Brian Wilson quoted as saying that tonight the Giants will celebrate and “get a little weird.” Now, I am a major Brian fan, but in his case, mission already accomplished.-

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Edgar Renteria, a charming man even with limited English. Asked about his World Series home run, he said (Lee) “tried to throw me a cutter and the ball no cut.”

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Interesting, in their interviews, more of the SF Giants thanked the fans than thanked God.

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Fox announcers keep talking about the Giants having not won a World Series since 1954. Or as Cubs fans call it “Only yesterday.”

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Fox executives were unhappy with the low ratings for the World Series. Well, maybe if they ever put anyone but the Yankees and Red Sox on the “Fox Game of the Week” during the regular season, sports fans might be more familiar with, and more interested in watching, the teams that were actually playing.

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Giants Fever is sweeping San Francisco. Some folks who have jumped on the bandwagon were so excited they actually watched some of Monday’s game. –

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Nolan Ryan’s ceremonial first pitch before Game 3 of the World Series was clocked at 68 mph.  Which is still almost twice as fast as Tim Wakefield.

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Ironic to see W. in the stands Sunday night. Because the Rangers’ “shock and awe” hitting lineup ran smack into “Operation Bumgarner.

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Another irony, George W. Bush’s dream job was to become Commissioner of baseball. And while I am hardly a W. fan, he does love the game, and knows it pretty well, despite having traded Sammy Sosa for Harold Baines.

But can you imagine how different the world would have been had he gotten that job?  Not only would America not have had a Cheney presidency, we wouldn’t have had to deal with Commissioner Bud Selig either.

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After being unloaded by the New England Patriots, Randy Moss was now cut by the Minnesota Vikings after he ripped the team in news conference. At this point another NFL GM would have to be stoned to gather Moss.

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The SF 49ers are a disappointing 2-6. But they have won one more game than the Dallas Cowboys.

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More Northwest.

October 25, 2009

Quote from the co-pilot on that wayward Northwest flight: “It was not a serious event, from a safety issue,”

Try that the next time a policeman pulls you over for a minor traffic violation.

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Once again, though, where is Steve Martin when you need him?. As the pilots keep dissembling about their excuse for not landing in Minneapolis the first time….maybe it’s time for that classic SNL skit about why he didn’t pay his taxes. “I FORGOT.”

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Napa police said they didn’t think they had enough evidence to get a conviction. And Tom Cable will apparently not be disciplined by the NFL for the incident that resulted in his ex-assistant Randy Hanson ending up with a broken jaw.

In the meantime, the league, ever vigilant, has fined Ocho Cinco $10,000 for last week’s game, when he wore the wrong color chin-strap.

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In the meantime, the NFL is trying to expand their fan base by having the New England Patriots and Tampa Bay Buccaneers play in London, England. The game will techniically be a home game for Tampa.

Commissioner Roger Goddell has stated he thinks the league could eventually put a franchise in London. If that’s the the plan, you think he might have sent another team than the 0-6 Bucs?

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Although to give Goddell credit, maybe he figures since English fans are used to low-scoring football (ie soccer) games, maybe the perfect team WOULD be the Buccaneers.

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Meanwhile, in the NHL, the Toronto Maple Leafs are off to their worst start in history with no wins, seven losses and a tie. 0-7-1.

Or as the Rams call that, something to aspire to.

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Stay tuned for Leafs management coming up with a list of things that are worse than kissing your sister.

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Speaking at a $400 a plate luncheon in Montreal, Canada, George W. Bush said that as president he “did not sell his soul.”

Many liberals would actually agree, since they never thought he had one.

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In the same speech, however, Bush said he did regret his appearance on that aircraft carrier in 2003 in front of that banner reading “Mission Impossible.”

Yes, he DID. Actually “Mission Impossible” would have been more accurate.

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NFL and other follies.

September 29, 2009

A good thing for Tony Romo finally had a decent game, at this point Cowboys fans were about to blame him for distracting Jessica Simpson.

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Jets coach Rex Ryan benched wide receiver David Clowney for week three after his twitter gripes about playing time after week two. Said Ryan “If I feel a guy is not putting the team first,” Ryan said, “I’ll make that decision to put the guy down.” I think we can safely knock the Jets off the list for the next stop on T.O.s NFL tour.

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The Detroit Lions finally won a game on Sunday, so the 1976-77 Tampa Bay Bucs’ 26 game record losing streak remains the longest in NFL history. The 1972 Miami Dolphins always crack open a bottle of champagne when some team who has threatened their record loses. So what did the Bucs do – twist open a wine cooler?

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Former President Clinton says there is still a right wing conspiracy and it is still virulent. Former President George W. Bush is still trying to figure out what virulent means.

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President Obama has decided to head to Copenhagen for a few hours to lobby for bringing the 2016 Olympics to Chicago. And while some may criticize him, who better understands over-hyped, over-expensive and overly-media oriented productions than a man who’s been dealing with Congress?

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Apparently President Clinton offered to go in Obama’s stead. At least until he heard that the IOC was almost exclusively male and all over 70.

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finally from my twisted friend Melodi –

The 40-something-year old victim of 76-year-old Roman Polanski pleas for mercy toward Polanski because he wouldn’t do it again… Didn’t she mean couldn’t?
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Politics and other dreams…

September 25, 2009

As much as I might try to write funny stuff, it’s hard to top Carly Fiorina’s new website – .
http://www.carlyforcalifornia.com Seriously. Even Sarah Palin commented “What was she THINKING?”

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The ironic thing, Fiorina was the president of HP. Her website does for technology what Chrysler did for cars.

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“Carlyfornia dreamin!!!? I guess Fiorinashe was listening to Arnold and tried to spell it phonetically

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Also in California, Meg Whitman, running for governor, has already started HER radio ads. Which curiously enough don’t mention if she is a Democrat or Republican. To be fair, Whitman has voted so infrequently, maybe she can’t remember.

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After comparing George W. Bush to the devil in 2006, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, said in a U.N. speech Thursday said, “It doesn’t smell like sulfur anymore.” Yeah, apparently staff disinfected the chambers after the speech from Gadhafi.

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American Idol season one runner-up Justin Guarini is getting married, then returning to the studio to record his third CD. Idol fans were surprised by the news – Guarini recorded a second CD?

A radio advertisement hails Stanford Football as “the hardest working team in the Pac 10.” That just means they go to class.

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Mark Reynolds of the Arizona Diamondbacks has broken his own record by striking out 205 times this season. 205 strikeouts? That’s more than a pair of horny frat boys at an LPGA event.

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I’m thinking of starting a Facebook Group. Who needs Michael Crabtree? Let’s see. The 49ers are 2-0, the sulky wide-receiver is still holding out. Personally I’d like to see them commit to making the playoffs without him. Then put half the bonus they were going to give him towards next year’s number one pick. And give the rest to charity. Talk about a way to become America’s team.

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Second verse, same as the first….

August 25, 2009

Ever remember that old kid’s song with the refrain “Second verse, same as the first, a little bit louder and a little bit worse…”?

Giants Box Score from Friday’s 11-14 loss to the Rockies.

San Francisco IP H R ER BB SO HR

Miller, Ju (L, 2-2) 0.2 4 4 4 2 0 1
Valdez, M 0.2 2 4 4 3 1 0

And tonight’s 6-4 loss in 14 innings.

San Francisco IP H R ER BB SO HR
Miller, Ju (L, 2-3) 0.0 1 3 3 2 0 0
Valdez, M (BS, 3) 0.0 1 1 1 0 0 1

So yes, for Justin Miller that’s a total of 2 outs, 5 hits, 4 walks, SEVEN earned runs.
And for Merkin Valdez thats 2 outs, 3 hits, 3 walks, FIVE earned runs. Including tonight’s walkoff grand slam.

12 earned runs, a total of 1 and 1/3 innings. That’s more than Giants hitters get in many weeks.

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So who’s bringing the sign tomorrow to A T and T park? “Miller and Valdez – Wild Card Death Panel.”

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For Giants fans, tonight will go down as an epic. Sort of like Waterworld.

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Plaxico Burress says that the nightclub security staff was aware he was carrying a gun into the nightclub the night he accidentally shot himself.

If true, that’s got to make New Yorkers feel warm and fuzzy and safe. I mean, guns in sweatpants, what could possibly go wrong?

But his story does perhaps illustrate a potential niche service for NY clubs. Hat check, coat check, gun check….

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And back to commie pinko time…..

A story in the NY Times says with all the various appointments and resignations, almost 27 percent of Americans will soon be represented by at least one unelected senator. Big deal, after the 2000 election 100 percent of us were represented by an unelected president.

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Apparently President Obama brought five books with him on vacation. In a display of bipartisan goodwill, when former President George W. Bush heard about it he sent Barack a brand new box of crayons.

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The most dominant…

July 9, 2009

Sports Illustrated ran an article questioning who is the most dominant athlete in their sport – Tiger Woods or Roger Federer. What, no consideration of Joey Chestnut?

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Pablo Sandoval of the SF Giants finished second in the fan voting for the last All Star roster addition, after Philadelphia partnered with Detroit to urge fans to vote jointly for the Phillies’ Shane Victorino and the Tigers’ Brandon Inge.

Unfortunately, right now you don’t want to enter a contest with people from Detroit where the winner is determined by who has the most time on their hands.

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Four people who worked at a Chicago cemetery were charged with digging up bodies, dumping them, and reselling the grave plots. Authorities became suspicious when more cemetery residents voted than normal.

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Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush would not answer when asked if he believed President Obama was a socialist, saying, “I don’t know, define socialism.” He had a similar response to a question about his brother George – “I don’t know, define idiocy.”

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Amongst the many high profile celebrities at Maria Shriver’s annual women’s conference will be…Kate Gosselin? What exactly has this woman done anyway besides taking fertility drugs and making a spectacle of herself on television? Was Manny Ramirez not available?

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Actually, and this was inspired by the very funny Jerry Perisho, who noted how

“British scientists claim to have created human sperm from embryonic stem cells for the first time. … thereby rendering the human male completely unnecessary, other than to carry in the trash cans once a week”

Now we know the real reason Manny was taking those fertility drugs. He just wanted to stay relevant.

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After Chad Ochocinco said he would twitter during games, the NFL said they would look into the issue, and has now issued a ruling prohibiting in-game tweets.

A Fox Sports poll is asking fans if they thought the player would test the rule. The current results, 80 percent have said “Yes.” The other 20 percent have clearly not been watching Ochicinco.

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The almost Fourth of July.

July 3, 2009

Most American business are celebrating Independence Day today, July 3. And George W. Bush is thrilled, saying “I knew ‘When is the Fourth of July holiday?’ was a tough question.

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Shaquille O’Neal says that his motto in Cleveland will be “a ring for the King” (referring to Lebron James.) Either he is promising a championship or he is bringing a good referral from Kobe’s jeweller.

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In the midst of a budget crisis, Arnold Schwarzenegger is having a difficult time dealing with unruly legislators in California. Which disappoints all those who voted for him based on the leadership skills he showed in “Kindergarten Cop.”

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Staples Center will be the site of Michael Jackson’s public memorial ceremony. The arena has a great deal of experience hosting thousands of crying people, although usually they are Clippers fans.

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It’s been a tough week for celebrity deaths. On the bright side, when was the last front page story about Jon and Kate?.

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Joe Biden is on a diplomatic mission to Iraq and will stay longer than either President Obama or Bush did in the country -two full days. But to be fair, Biden told Obama he needed time to say a few words.

Two days of Joe Biden talking?!! Didn’t President Obama promise not to torture?

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And just a twisted thought, will Karl Madden be buried with his American Express card?

Followed by another twisted thought from Bill Littlejohn.

“Shaq’s motto in Cleveland will be ‘Win a ring for the King’. As opposed to what he did in Los Angeles for Kobe – “‘Put up a brick for the…” Oh, never mind..

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Judges and puppets and other craziness..

May 27, 2009

Nike clearly hopes for a Lakers- Cavaliers NBA final, and in fact already has a commercial featuring Kobe and Lebron puppets.

If the Nuggets and Magic end  up in the finals instead, will they be known as the “Put a sock in them” puppets?

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For anyone who thinks President Obama’s first pick for a Supreme Court Justice is unqualified, two words:  Harriet Miers.

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Dick Cheney has already come out against Barack Obama’s Supreme Court pick.   And former President Bush is still giggling trying to say “Sonia Sotomayor” three times real fast.
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Dahntay Jones was assessed a flagrant foul after the league reviewed game tape that showed him tripping Kobe Bryant.   This could lead to a suspension if he does it again, along with the undying appreciation of most NBA fans outside of Los Angeles.

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Zack Greinke is now 8-1 for the Kansas City Royals.  It’s not that the Royals aren’t used to eight wins in May. But usually it’s the team effort.

 

Sonia Sotomayor, the first Latina nominee to the Supreme Court, is a New Yorker of Puerto Rican descent.   Republicans, casting at any straws in hopes of derailing her nomination, are wondering if there is a history of her ruling in Sharks v. Jets.

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Judge Sotomayor issued the injunction that ended the baseball strike of 1994-1995, which brought major league baseball back after 232 days.  Although the timing of her decision may have contributed to the demise of the Montreal Expos, and their eventually becoming the Washington Nationals.  Despite this,  fans in D.C.  still largely support her.

 

Some credit Sotomayor with saving major league baseball.  As opposed to all those balls that suddenly started flying out of ballparks after the strike for no officially discernable reason.

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A-Rod and A Is-this-For-Real?

May 1, 2009

A new tell-all book on Alex Rodriguez alleges that besides using steroids, the slugger would tip pitches for opposing batters  when he was with the Rangers.  This is unbelievable.  Any batter would need help against Rangers’ pitching?

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There are also allegations in the book that A-Rod used steroids as early as high school.  Which explained why his classmates voted him “Most Likely to Have a Swelled Head.”

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Could it get any worse for A-Rod?  Today the Yankees told him they were pleased with his rehablitation from his hip injury, but they thought he should spend his last weeks on the DL training in Mexico.

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Supreme Court Justice David Souter is retiring.   While the first President Bush expected Souter to be a moderate conservative,  as a justice he turned out to be reasonably liberal.  George H. W. Bush considers the appointment to be one of this biggest mistakes, next to introducing his son George W  to politics.

 

From Bill Littlejohn:

 “A 17-year old Los Angeles area marching band girl fended off two muggers with her baton.Too bad Stanford didn’t have her against Cal back in ’82”

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Condoleezza Rice was caught on  video tonight arguing with a Stanford student tonight.   Her statemants including that Guantanamo Bay was a “medium security” facility, and added  “We did not torture anyone.”

I like the one about George W. Bush planning to write a book better.

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Game six of the first round NBA matchup between the Boston Celtics and the Chicago Bulls went to three overtimes.  Which I think  makes the time of game longer than the Pistons lasted in the playoffs. 

 

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Okay, and finally, 100 days into Obama’s presidency, who’d a thunk that the Clintons would have proved far less of an distraction than Joe Biden?

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A relationship with sharks…

April 28, 2009

Now that their team couldn’t move forward out of the first round, hockey fans  might or might not think Woody Allen was anticipating San Jose’s playoff struggles  in 1977:

 

“A relationship, I think, is like a shark, you know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.”

 

 

So what’s the difference between Sharks coach Todd McLellan and former Sharks coach  Ron Wilson?.    In the end,  about one round in the playoffs..

 

Georgia quarterback Matt Stafford was chosen as the first pick in the draft.  His mission, to turn the team around after eight of the worst years in history.  “Tell me about it” said President Obama.

 

 

On Monday night, the New Orleans Hornets lost by 58 points to the Denver Nuggets.  58 points!!?   Former President Bush called coach Byron Scott afterwards to tell him “Scottie, you’re doing a helluva job.”

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John Daly turned 43 today.  As much as many Americans and golfers would like to see their favorite “everyman” succeed, they can take solace in the fact that had he won as many tournaments as his potential indicated,  the PGA might have declared beer a performance enchancing drug.

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So former Michigan quarterback Steven Threet will transfer to Arizona State,  After he transferred from Georgia Tech to Michigan.

Which makes him perhaps the heir-apparent to Jeff  Garcia?

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President Obama, while he filled out an NCAA basketball bracket, chose not to enter an NFL fantasy draft contest.   And then there’s former President George W. Bush, who when asked about the draft, pleaded a prior engagement with the Texas National Air Guard.

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Countdown to March Madness…

March 17, 2009

Yes, it’s that time of year again. When millions more Americans find themselves not working, even the ones with jobs.

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Really, really bad pun alert.

The Cleveland Plain Dealer reported that many men schedule vasectomies during March Madness, so they can have something to watch at home while they recuperate. One doctor said his schedule around the tournament games is full.

So what about those who called too late? Guess they missed the cut.

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A semi-serious thought about March Madness. For football schools still resisting a playoff system, consider this. For the next few days, 64, actually 65, teams, will be scrutinized and followed seriously by millions of Americans. Even small schools. Underdog winners will become national darlings and the talk of newspapers, television and the internet.

Say, anyone remember if there was an upset in the Poulan Weed-Eater Independence Bowl?

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Bad timing for AIG, if that news about their bonuses had leaked a few days later…most Americans would have been so busy following their brackets they might not have noticed.

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AIG might have accomplished the impossible: making Nadya Shulman look deserving by comparison.
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AIG could be on its way to setting records for having executives make money while accomplishing nothing. Previous records have been shared amongst executives of airlines, NBC, Congress, and of course the Chicago Cubs.

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Then there’s the World Baseball Classic. An apparent attempt to make baseball as relevant to most Americans as hockey.

U.S. Manager Davey Johnson is actually talking about Team USA forfeiting and bowing out of the WBC due to injuries and the risk of futher injuries. Yep, just giving up. Which would be embarrassing, though for next year several players might be named honorary members of the French team.

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More on that Bush library. But really, isn’t having a library for George W. Bush like building a museum dedicated to the Cubs in the World Series?

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Or – more fill-in-the-blanks…

While we’re talking unlikely libraries, how about unlikely books…

a library dedicated to George W. Bush is about as likely as…

having a book written about the tact and discretion of Ann Coulter..

or the good judgment of AIG executives.

or the team spirit of Terrell Owens.

or the decisiveness of Brett Favre.

this could go on, and on…

And no word yet on if the $300 million Bush library price tag even includes crayons.

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