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The BCS and other hoaxes..

October 19, 2009

The Saints beat the Giants 48 to 27. New York hasn’t been shocked by that much scoring since the Letterman scandal broke.

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A Colorado sheriff now says the whole “Balloon Boy” incident was a hoax. Apparently the final straw was hearing that the parents were writing a book about the story with Clifford Irving.

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But okay, a boy accidentally getting into a balloon and floating away. Seems reasonably plausible. The Oakland Raiders beating the Philadelphia Eagles? Now that’s got to be a hoax.

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Actually, in his defense, Richard Heene, Falcon’s father, said he was preparing the balloon to help defend the country against the coming Martian attack on Halloween.

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The whole incident does illustrate one important lesson. When planning a conspiracy, it is best not to rely on the discretion of a six year old.

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Many in Washington are disappointed that despite some economic recovery, unemployment numbers are still high. On the bright side, those numbers may soon include Jim Zorn.

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Am not completely sure why the NFL rejected Rush Limbaugh as a potential owner for the St. Louis Rams. After all his insensitive remarks, can you think of a better expensive punishment?

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One bit of good news in Toronto. The Maple Leafs 0-6-1 start has pushed the Argonauts off the front page.

(translation for American readers, the Canadian Football League Toronto Argonauts do have 3 wins, but have a stranglehold on the title “Worst team in the league.”

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After the Cincinnati Bearcats trounced #21 South Florida, and have face two top 25 teams on their remaining schedule, they actually have a potential RPI (Rating Percentage Index) high enough to give them a legitimate claim at the BCS championship game should they win out.

Which explains, why behind closed doors at headquarters, BCS now stands for “Beat Cincinnati, SOMEONE.”

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USC was disappointed to be ranked 7th in the first BCS poll, despite being 4th in both other polls. Hate to give the BCS any credit, but come on..The Trojans lost to the 3-3 Washington Huskies, and barely beat unranked Notre Dame. And they haven’t played Stanford yet!

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Some things are just WRONG….

October 17, 2009

Like playing the theme from “Rocky” for the bottom of the 12th in Yankee Stadium. Yeah, nothing says underdog like the $201 million payroll Yankees.

Of course, if the Angels keep making all these errors, they may have to register as an official New York charity.

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As Brett Favre prepares for the Ravens-Vikings game, at least he doesn’t have to worry about shopping for Halloween candy. What self-respecting kid wants to wait for the answer to “trick or treat.?”

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Okay, let’s see, who predicted this one? The best college football team in Ohio this year is now unquestionably the undefeated Cincinnati Bearcats.

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Major League Baseball is excusing their postseason umpiring mistakes by saying that six umpires are on the disabled list. But the explanation isn’t clear – are those six working the games or not?

So it turns out “balloon boy” Falcon never really got off the ground. Stay tuned for the announcement of his sponsorship deal with JetBlue.

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Lebron James hasn’t been playing in pre-season games for the Cavs due to a suspected case of H1N1. This wouldn’t be a problem for Kobe Bryant. He never passes on anything.

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It’s a rough year to be a sports fan in Toronto. Tonight, the CFL Argonauts became the first team to be officially eliminated from the playoffs. The Maple Leafs may follow in a few weeks.

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The Toronto Maple Leafs have started the season 0-7. During the second intermission of their most recent loss, Air Canada Centre’s PA system started playing the Beatles’ “Help.” Maybe it would have been more appropriate to play Neil Young’s “Helpless.”

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Ben Burnett reminds us that Microsoft’s next operating system, Windows 7, comes out on Thursday, October 22. So for those hoping to install it, call tech support now and get on hold now.
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Erratic behavior..

October 16, 2009

TLC is suing Jon Gosselin for breach of contract based on his erratic behavior. But seriously, if you were looking for reasonable behavior would you really choose someone who thought it was a good idea to have eight children?

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Well, unfortunately for Yankees haters, tonight we discovered that you really can’t spell Los Angeles Angels without at least three “Es”.
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Recently released NCAA transcripts from 2006-7 show that some Florida State football players were reading at a second-grade level. Over at USC they were shocked – there are college football players who actually read?
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Michael Vick had better not participate in any taunting when the Eagles play the Raiders Sunday. I think it violates the terms of his parole to be cruel to dogs.

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The Eagles-Raiders game didn’t sell out and will be blacked out this Sunday. Is the NFL really using the right incentives? Maybe they should have threatened that without a sell out, it would be the only game broadcast in Oakland?

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According to SI.com, Stephen Strasburg, the Washington Nationals’ most highly-hyped prospect ever, had a strong first start in the Arizona Fall League. Well, he’s already accomplished one thing – this might be the first time the words “Washington Nationals” have been used in a baseball game story in October.

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From T.O to T.J. Now Seahawks receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh is is complaing that he’s not getting the ball enough. Maybe because none of the coaching staff can fit his name in the playbook?

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Another comment on Garth Brooks coming out of retirement, from Bill Littlejohn: “Relax, Padres fans; it’s to sing.’’

But actually, could Garth hit that much worse than the regular Padres lineup?

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Trial balloons…

October 15, 2009

Carney Lansford, fired yesterday by the San Francisco Giants, was quoted as saying “never take a hitting coach job with an offensively challenged team.” Yo, Carney, isn’t that exactly the kind of team that NEEDS a good hitting coach?

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Glad Falcon, the little Colorado boy, is safe. But let’s see, but apparently besides building balloons, his parents’ idea of family activities include tornado chasing and searching for extra-terrestrials. And mom and dad also both appeared on “Wife Swap.” Makes Jon and Kate almost look well-adjusted.

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Even the Octomom said “What were they thinking?”

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How did the rescuers hear that the boy had been in the attic all the time? “Tranquillity base here, the Falcon has never taken off?”

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Polaroid is bringing the instant camera back. Can’t imagine why. Any photo you take can’t be uploaded on a camera phone, posted on Facebook, or shared with a million people on the internet… Oops, never mind.
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Tonight’s 8-6 Phillies-Dodgers slugfest once again proved Yogi Berra knew what he was talking about – with his quote “Good pitching beats good hitting, and vice-versa.”

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The game featured four home runs. Which would have been at least eight in Yankee Stadium.

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Meghan McCain is taking some heat for a twitter photo she posted of herself in a pyjama top. She says if people don’t stop the criticism her the next pyjama photo she posts will feature her dad.

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Garth Brooks is coming out of retirement again. Wonder if his first gig will be singing the national anthem at a Minnesota Vikings game?

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A Louisiana justice of the peace claims he refused to issue a marriage license to an interracial couple out of concern for any children the couple might have. Either that he’s trying to prevent future Democratic presidents.

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This may only make sense to Canadian readers, but…

Moncton, New Brunswick, will host a 2010 regular season Canadian Football League game between the Toronto Argonauts and the Saskatchewan Rough Riders. The town has been trying to land a CFL team for years. In a goodwill gesture from the U.S. to Canada, apparently Oakland has offered them the Raiders.

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From Alex Kaseberg: A survey ranked the 55 cities with the smartest residents down to the least smartest residents and Fresno finished last. Upon hearing this a Fresno resident asked “What’s a resident?”

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Rush to judgment.

October 14, 2009

Apparently Rush Limbaugh has been dropped from the group of investors trying to buy the St. Louis Rams. This will help assure that the biggest losers associated with the Rams remain on the field.

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Regarding the opposition to letting Rush Limbaugh become a part-owner of the St. Louis Rams. To be fair, maybe the NFL felt it would be uncomfortable for Rush to be around all those liberals at the owners’ meetings.

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Yankees fans maintain their team has done so well this year, not because of their over $200 million payroll, but because of sound management. Yeah, and David Letterman would have still had all those women if he were a starving standup comic in Brooklyn.

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There are rumors that the Bills may trade T.O. to the Bears. Oh, come on, with the Olympics, Cubs and White Sox, haven’t sports fans in Chicago suffered enough?

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Today the San Francisco Giants fired their hitting coach. Which comes as a shock to most fans. The Giants HAD a hitting coach?

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John McCain’s chief campaign strategist said of their choice of Sarah Palin – “I believe to this day that had she not been picked as a vice presidential candidate, we would have never been ahead, not for one second, not for one minute, not for one hour, not for one day.”

Which is about as often as they ended up ahead with her.

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City officials of Hiroshima and Nagasaki are planning a bid to jointly host the 2020 Olympics. Says Marc Ragovin: “I’m telling ya, there is gonna be a lot of fallout over this.”

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Not quite retiring the Favre jokes…

October 14, 2009

Brett Favre says this year’s Vikings are the “best team I’ve ever been on.” No, he’s not insulting the 1996 Super Bowl winning Packers. He just doesn’t remember them.

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Junior Seau is returning from retirement for a third time to the New England Patriots. If the Patriots and Vikings make to the Super Bowl, we can only pray they don’t send Seau and Favre out to call the coin toss….

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The NFL has announced that they have moved the Vikings-Packers rematch to 315p Central Standard Time on November 1, instead of 12:00n, by swapping the game with the Giants-Eagles game. This would avoid scheduling conflicts for the Phillies if they make it to the World Series.

The league says that they made the change to make things easier for Major League Baseball and the city of Philadelphia, and not because the later Sunday game has a bigger television audience and thus ad rates.

And if you believe THAT one, I’ve got a tape of Favre’s final retirement conference to sell you.

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Gilbert Arenas and the Washington Wizards were fined $25,000 apiece Tuesday by the NBA because Arenas has been refusing to talk to the media. $25,000 for not talking? Well, that’s one fine that won’t have to be paid by Mark Cuban.

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Apparently the Miami Dolphins are about to add one more celebrity part-owner, this time Fergie, of the Black Eyed Peas. She would join Venus Williams and Serena Williams, Jimmy Buffett, Marc Anthony and Emilio and Gloria Estefan as limited partners. Already, the average Floridian can name more owners of the Dolphins than players on the Buccaneers.

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Despite the team’s recent success, Joe Torre has stated he has no intention of getting a contract extension with the Dodgers, and isn’t even sure he will return to Los Angeles next year. Apparently after this year with the Manny Ramirez circus, following all those years with the Yankees, Torre figures his next job will be something less stressful, like White House Press Secretary.

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TMZ.com apparently has more than once caught Arnold Schwarzenegger’s wife Maria Shriver talking on a hand-held cellphone while driving (illegal in California), and has posted the pictures.

Maybe we have the wrong people going after Osama Bin Laden?

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Columbus Day..

October 13, 2009

Monday was Columbus Day. Which means many conservatives coud use the day off from work to continue their protests against illegal immigrants.

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The Denver Broncos ran their record to 5-0, despite wearing throwback uniforms that were so despised by the original AFL team that wore them that they were publicly burned the following year. At this point Raiders fans are considering a similar plan – with the team still in them.

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How bad looking were the uniforms? Even University of Oregon players wouldn’t be caught dead in them.

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It’s been a bad postseason for closers. In fact, there’s already been so many blown saves, some fans think they are watching the Sharks in the playoffs.

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When they play the Kansas City Chiefs Sunday, the Washington Redskins will become the first NFL team ever to play six straight games against previously winless opponents. Apparently last year’s Detroit Lions intra-squad games don’t count.

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Philadelphia fans were thrilled with their team’s ninth inning comeback Monday night. It means they get to once again boo the Phillies in the NLCS.

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Maurice Sendak has been popular for over 30 years, often by writing books that appeal more to children than their parents. While “Where the Wild Things Are.” has not appeared at the theatre yet, the author did provide a glimpse of the attitude that appeals to many children…..

A reporter asked him ‘What would you say to parents who think the Wild Things film may be too scary?”

Sendak: “I would tell them to go to hell.””

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With all the jokes about the Nobel committee turning the Peace prize into a joke, maybe it’s time for a few new Nobel prizes.

For Joe Biden, if he can ever learn to shut up – “The Nobel Cease Prize.”

For Captain “Sully” Sullenberger – “The Nobel Geese Prize.”

For AIG “The Nobel Fleece Prize.”

For Conan O’Brien’s hair – “The Nobel Grease Prize.

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Commie pinko time.

Health insurance companies are claiming that over the next decade, Senate legislation will result in families paying thousands more a year for their premiums. As opposed to the status quo, where they will end up paying tens of thousands more for their premiums.

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Errors and omissions.

October 11, 2009

John McCain said not sending enough troops to Afghanistan would be “an error of historic proportions.”. And if anyone knows about historic errors, it’s the man who chose Sarah Palin for his running mate.

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A study says that people who experience traumatic events as children could see their life expectancy drop by as much as twenty years. This could mean an NC17 rating for Wrigley Field.

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The Philadelphia Phillies beat the Colorado Rockies in sub-freezing weather at Coors Field Sunday night. Apparently it was the coldest game anyone can remember in major league baseball since the Giants left Candlestick.

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The Phillies’ winning rally included a hit that should have been ruled a foul ball. Yet another blown call by the umps this postseason. Talk about game-change performances that SHOULD be sponsored by Pontiac.

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The Olympics have decided to add rugby and golf as sports in 2016. Well, it’s probably about time Tiger Woods got some international exposure.

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How bad are things for the Redskins? Folks in D.C. are starting to think about season tickets next year for the Nationals.

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For the 2-3 Redskins, all their losses have been their opponent’s first wins of the season. President Obama is considering asking the team to speak out against health care reform.

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Next up for the Redskins, the Kansas City Chiefs, 0-5 after going 0-4 in the preseason. If the Chiefs also beat the ‘Skins, on November 1, put your money on a first ever win “bye week.”

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The Cleveland Browns beat the Buffalo Bills 6-3. 6-3? Apparently it was so cold a hockey game broke out.

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White House Communication director Anita Dunn called Fox News, “a vehicle for Republican Party propaganda.” The station angrily denied the accusation – they prefer to think of the Republican Party as a vehicle for Fox News propaganda.

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A few Saturday thoughts…

October 10, 2009

Memphis is appealing the NCAA’s decision to strip all the university’s basketball wins in 2007-08 because their star player faked an SAT test. Yes, heaven forbid the one academic year that Derrick Rose spent at Memphis before he left for the NBA be tainted.

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NASA says its moon bombing was a success. Said Dick Cheney – “An unprovoked, successful missile strike – where do I sign up?”

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Unfortunately for Colorado fans, the Phillies-Rockies game was postponed by snow. Unfortunately for St Louis fans, the Dodgers-Cardinal game wasn’t.
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President Obama just took home the Nobel Peace Prize. Considering the ratings jump David Letterman is getting from all his mea culpas about sleeping with staffers, can we say he is taking home the “Piece Prize?”

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The moon and other flights..

October 9, 2009

The Swiss denied bail for Roman Polanski, saying that they believe he is a flight risk. Wow, what was their first clue?
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NASA has sent a rocket basically to bomb the moon. They say it’s to detect the presence of ice. But the real reason? Once we bomb the moon, NASA hopes the government will be willing to spend billions of dollars there.

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On her Facebook page, Sarah Palin told President Obama that now is not the time for “second thoughts” about Afghanistan. And if anyone’s an expert on “second thoughts,” it’s the woman who served over half of her term as Governor.

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Oops. Five Somali pirates were captured by the French navy, after they attempted to storm the French navy’s 18,000 ton flagship in the Indian Ocean. (They had apparently mistaken it for a private cargo vessel.) This is the worst Pirates performance since Pittsburgh wrapped up their 2009 MLB season.

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Some conservatives are criticizing Mary Cheney for having a second child with her partner of almost 20 years. They claim, (for two printable examples) that the lesbian partnership is unnatural or that the child should have a father around. Anyone want to lay odds on this new baby growing up more or less well-adjusted, than say, the child of an unwed teenager mother whose teenage father is posing nude in Playgirl?

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Despite reports in Forbes magazine, Tiger Woods said he is not a billionaire. Guess he had a 401k too.

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Apparently the “pecking order” for scheduling major league baseball games is now something like this. If the Yankees are in the playoffs, their game will always be played in prime time. If the Yankees are out or have an off-day, the prime slots go to the Red Sox, then the Cubs (well, not this year), and then probably the Los Angeles Dodgers.

So kids who want to see a World Series played during the day sometime, keep rooting for something like Twins-Rockies.

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If the SF Giants had somehow managed to make the playoffs, local fans could probably count on the games at 11a.

From the very funny Alex Kaseberg: After Rio de Janeiro has been selected for the 2016 Olympic Games, residents swigged rum, tore off their clothes and danced in the street all night. When asked why they were so excited about the Olympics, the most common response; “What Olympics?”

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An upfront kind of guy…?

October 8, 2009

I have been advised by friends that visual thinkers should skip the first jokes.

To help his career and improve his image, apparently Levi Johnston has decided to pose nude for Playgirl. Thank goodness David Letterman has chosen a different “bare-all’ strategy.

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Apparently in Dallas, police are looking for a pudgy 6 foot tall man who covers his face, sneaks into backyards, dances around naked, and then runs away.

A spokeperson said police want to catch him “before it escalates into something worse.”

A large pudgy man dancing around in your backyard naked? Can most people imagine it getting worse?

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Or, in Dallas, police are looking for a pudge 6 foot tall man who dances around naked in strangers’ backyards with his face covered. Guess Tom Delay misses “Dancing with the Stars” more than we thought.

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Napa police are still trying to decide whether or not to charge Raiders coach Tom Cable with felony assault after he allegedly broke assistant coach Randy Hanson’s jaw in an altercation during a meeting this summer.
Maybe they can’t believe that anyone with the Raiders could actually deliver that big a hit.

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Although seriously, if a boss in any other industry broke an employee’s jaw at work, do you think there would be any question about charges? (Well, unless maybe it was Dick Cheney while he was cleaning his pellet gun.)

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After a questionable excessive-celebration penalty contributed to Georgia’s loss last weekend against LSU, SEC Commissioner Mike Slive said there was no reason to have a “public hanging” when officials make bad calls. Unless, of course, it’s during a BCS bowl game.

(In which case the most appropriate place for the scaffold might be the 50 yard line)

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A Cardinals error with 2 outs in the bottom of the 9th led to a Dodgers victory. In college football, Nebraska scored four unanswered touchdowns in the 4th quarter for a come-from-behind 27-12 win over Mizzou. Guess tonight with Sportscenter, Missouri is the “Please Don’t Show-Me State.”

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It’s not over….

October 6, 2009

How long did the Twins-Tigers tie-breaker game go on? Since it started, Brett Favre retired and un-retired three more times.

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Some FSU boosters want Bobby Bowden, 79 to resign. But the school’s athletic director said the coach will not “step down.” At this point, the fall could kill him.

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Joe Paterno, 82 when asked if he thought Bowden should stay on, reportedly replied, “Why not, he’ll only get better with experience.

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Starbucks is going to start selling instant coffee. Yeah, but when you’re in a hurry it will still take the person in front of you ten minutes to decide which flavor to buy.

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A Canadian man shot his handgun into a television, and was sentenced to counseling. He was also ordered as a term of his probation to never, EVER, watch a Maple Leafs game.

(for any Canadian readers, feel free to substitute Argonauts. Although as Canadian readers may also know, the answer to the question of “What’s the difference between the Argonauts and the Leafs is currently – the Argos have actually won three games.)
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Now that Rio has been awarded the 2012 Olympics, some IOC members are worried about the large number of prostitutes in the city. But unlike the IOC, the prostitutes are upfront about their price and do generally offer value for money.
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Rush Limbaugh may purchase the St. Louis Rams. There could, however, be a hitch. Someone has to convince Rush you can’t play football without a left tackle.

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One problem with Major League Baseball playoffs, most kids, especially on the east coast, can’t stay up late on weeknights for the usually ridiculously late games. Now, this years’ division series’ will have only two of the four matchups scheduled on Saturday – the Los Angeles Dodgers against the St. Louis Cardinals (at 607p eastern,) and the Philadelphia Phillies at the Colorado Rockies. And for all those junior Phillies fans…the start time – 937p eastern. I can hear it now “Mommy, can I stay up and watch the national anthem?”

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Tom Delay had to quit “Dancing with the Stars” due to stress fractures in both feet. Guess the steps were more than his body could handle, for the first time ever the former House Republican Whip sometimes had to force himself to move to the left.

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Packers “Malled at America” field…

October 6, 2009

A British girl tried to sell her grandmother on Ebay. Unbelievable. Who would think a kid would try to sell grandma? One of their parents, maybe.

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For years the Packers’ line has done a great job of giving Brett Favre time to throw the football. Unfortunately for Green Bay, they did the same thing tonight.

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When asked about the game, Favre said he wanted to give all the credit to his offensive line. Then he said, no, I want to give credit to my receivers and great running backs. Then he said, he felt the win belonged to the coaching staff. Then, that the credit really should go to the fans….

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Actually both Favre and Packers’ quarterback Aaron Rodgers had good nights, although Rodgers was sacked eight times. Hard not to believe, if the Vikings had drafted Rodgers, and Favre had stayed with the Packers, that Minnesota wouldn’t have still won.

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Maybe we shouldn’t be surprised that Favre is doing so well at the age of nearly 40. He played 16 years at Lambeau Field. Ice always has been a great preservative for fossils.

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Or, tackier version. Maybe we shouldn’t be surprised that Favre, who turns 40 on Saturday, is in such great shape. He played 16 years on the “frozen tundra of Lambeau Field.” Maybe there is something to this cyrogenics stuff.

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James Carville said Glenn Beck was “out-and-out-nuts” and a “blatant hypocrite” for claiming to be pro-American but still celebrating Obama’s “failure” to bring the Olympics to the U.S.

Carville added “Beck wouldn’t know the difference between a football, a bat and a hockey court.”

To which Glenn Beck alllegedly responded. “Right, like Carville’s ever sat through all nine innings of a hockey game in his life.
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This last from the very funny Jerry Perisho, on the news that Yankee Stadium is set to host a college football bowl game – “Extra points kicked to the east should clear the parking lot.”

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About that Louvre Pyramid…

October 4, 2009

McDonald’s is opening a branch at the Louvre. Yes, in Paris.

Guess that pyramid out front is not a food pyramid

Rumor has it that many of the French are fried.

Will McDonald’s Louvre slogan be “McNifique?”

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Some criticize Obama for flying to Copenhagen to lobby for the Olympics, but hey, it’s not like a few hours last week would have changed anything on healthcare. Now, trying to have a relationship discussion with a sports fan partner tonight in Minnesota or Wisconson…THAT would be stupid

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Alex Rodriguez drove in seven runs in the Yankees regular season finale. Putting him on pace for an October total of eight.
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Todd Palin has resigned his job. Most Americans are shocked. They didn’t realize he had one.

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Great news in Cincinnati. The 3-1 Bengals have more wins than arrests.

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Terrell Owens says he is in a “no-win” situation in Buffalo. Wonder how long it is until T.O. realizes he IS a no-win situation.

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The Washington Redskins’ first three opponents in October. The Buccaneers, the Panthers and the Chiefs, currently with ZERO wins between them. A schedule like that might not even get you BCS consideration.

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Even Boise State is saying “Way to schedule those creampuffs.”

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Headline? “New Orleans Saints turn high-flying Jets into Jets Blue.”

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Was trying to come up with a punchline on this one, think my buddy Jim Barach has the “topper.”

A book says that Ted Williams’ frozen head was abused at the cryogenics lab where it was stored. Apparently the technicians went so far as to put a frozen Yankees hat on it.

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Slouching towards the bowl season…

October 4, 2009

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After a 42-3 loss to Oregon last Saturday, Cal just got booed off the field at halftime en route to a 30-3 loss against USC. In Berkeley. This is shaping up to be the worst week for weenies since the Oscar Meyer Wienermobile crashed into that house.

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When asked if his team was too one-dimensional, Cal Coach Jeff Tedford said:

“We were zero dimensional. We couldn’t run the ball and we couldn’t throw it.”

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Meanwhile, in South Bend, the Washington Huskies, over the course of a 37-30 overtime loss to Notre Dame ran EIGHT plays over three drives from within the 2 yard line, and couldn’t score a touchdown. Which means they had the worst performance close to a goal, since, well, the last session of Congress.

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This is the very tacky version of the above joke: the Washington Huskies, over the course of a 37-30 overtime loss to Notre Dame ran EIGHT plays over three drives from within the 2 yard line, and couldn’t score a touchdown.

Or as Monica Lewinsky said about her next boyfriend after Bill Clinton. “Close, but no cigar.”

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A fossilized T-Rex failed to sell at auction in Las Vegas today when bidders failed to meet the $6 million minimum price. So the highest price paid for a dinosaur remains the $25 million the Vikings gave Brett Favre.

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While I have some sympathy for teams like Boise State trying to get into the BCS championship game with a perfect record from a lower-level conference, well, suffice to say I do lose a little sympathy when they schedule opponents like UC Davis. What, was Slippery Rock not available?

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The San Diego Padres fired GM Kevin Towers, who says new CEO Jeff Moorad “never really told me exactly the reason why.” Well, let’s see, an overall postseason record of 12–22; iincluding 10 of 11 since they won the pennant in 1998. And two really lousy seasons in a row…

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Amateur hour

October 2, 2009

Should we be surprised Chicago lost the Olympics? The city has a long and rich tradition of scandal, corruption and bribery. Put it down to the IOC’s professional jealousy ·

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I’ll refrain from making Cubs jokes about Chicago not getting the Olympics, because it’s too easy to say that the Cubbies already fulfill the city’s desire for top notch amateur athletics. And besides, the White Sox count too.

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When the extortion story broke, some comedy writers say they were disappointed in David Letterman. Most, however, were just relieved to hear some comedian other than Lisa Lampanelli has been having sex.

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So far, while he is the brunt of jokes, David Letterman seems to be weathering the sex scandal, in fact, his ratings have even gone up. In related news, the Late Show just received a guest host application from Bill Clinton.

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Apparently attendance for Major League Baseball has been down about seven percent in 2009.

“The way the economy’s going, a family of four comes to the ballpark and how much is a hot dog, a Coke, a drink for the parents?” Giants pitcher Brad Penny said. “That adds up.”

Interesting words from a guy who would like to return to San Francisco, if they can meet his $20 million or so price tag, Hey, a guy’s got to feed HIS family.

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San Francisco Giants’ pitcher Barry Zito had ten, count ’em, ten, outings this year when the offense didn’t score when he was on the mound. With that little scoring he’s become the poster pitcher for Trekkies.

Many Americans just don’t get the little nuances of hockey: It was announced Rob Blake will wear the ‘C’ as captain of the Sharks. Many San Jose fans thought the ‘C’ stood for their grade in the playoffs.’’

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Little rant of the night. Propel vitamin water now comes in a nice six-pack of 16.9 ounce bottles. The package proudly proclaims – “Only 10 calories per serving.” What’s a serving? Half a bottle.

(Okay, I understand when a half cup of ice cream has 300 calories, that you might want to pretend nobody ever eats the whole pint. But fudging when it’s the difference between 10 and 20 calories? Really??)

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Finally, a bad pun alert, from R.J. Currie:

After the Cleveland Cavaliers’ Delonte West this week suggested his recent arrest on gun charges is not a big deal: “Really? He was found carrying a 9mm handgun, a .357 Magnum, and an 870 shotgun. If convicted, where will Cleveland find another player of his caliber.’’

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Football and other follies

October 1, 2009

Who’d a thunk it, College Football Division. At 1230p on Saturday in Palo Alto, Stanford and UCLA meet for the Pac 10 lead. Meanwhile, at 5pm, Cal and USC play in the “Over-Rated Bowl.”

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One of the reasons BCS officials give against having a college football playoff system, is that the extra one or two games would be rough on the schedules of student-athletes. Meanwhile, in ESPN’s nationally televised Wednesday night college game, Louisiana Tech beat Hawaii 27-6, and in the Thursday night game, West Virginia knocked off Colorado 35-24.

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A fossil hominid (pre-human) skeleton found in Africa is apparently over 4 million years old and pre-dates Lucy. No confirmation on the rumor it was found wearing a Brett Favre jersey.

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Okay, this is tacky. But I have to ask. Amongst his staff – does Letterman have a Top Ten list?

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So Jon Gosselin, formerly of “Jon and Kate plus 8”, has pulled the plug for now on filming his children for the reality TV series. He couldn’t have thought of this sooner, like in 2007 before the show started?

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You cannot make this stuff up department:

Last year, Binghamton University earned a trip to March Madness. This year, before the season even has started, within a 48 hour period, six players were suspended from the team. And the school’s athletic director rhetorically asked “who’s running the zoo?”

The response, in a letter to the editor from Amanda J. Padwa, the Binghamton Zoo’s business manager.

“Not one of our tigers has been arrested with cocaine. No otter knocks over old ladies to shoplift condoms. Our bear doesn’t have temper tantrums and storm off his exhibit. You won’t find any of our lemurs busted for smoking pot. So, please, stop insulting zoos by comparing those criminals to us.”

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And in case anyone thinks that modern day sports is getting too overblown and out-of-hand, consider this quote from Bobby Dodd, one of college football’s most successful coaches at Georgia Tech during the 1950’s and early 1960s.

‘Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble this football.’

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Referees and rogues.

September 30, 2009

The NBA plans to open the preseason tomorrow with replacement referees. The players are appalled, what if the inexperienced refs do something drastically different – like call travelling.

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The newest college football bowl game, starting in 2010, will be the Yankee Bowl, at Yankee Stadium. Fans interested in tickets are encouraged to start taking out loans now.

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The Yankee Bowl will be the 35th in the Football Bowl Subvision (aka D1), which means that 70 out of 120 Division 1 teams will see post season action. Who does the NCAA think they are – the NBA?

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The Yankee Bowl may also have a parade. If so, a front-runner for the grandmarshall’s job has to be Alex Rodriguez. Since the grand marshall’s role is generally the same as A-Rod’s in the postseason – doing absolutely nothing.

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The tabloids are full of the rumors that Khloe Karadashian’s wedding to Lamar Odom may have been a fake. When asked, 20 percent of Americans said they believed it was real, 20 percent said it was a sham, and 60 percent said “Who the heck is Khloe Kardashian?”

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Sarah Palin finished writing her book – “Going Rogue” -ahead of schedule, and it will be released November 17. Not to be outdone, Joe Biden is working on his own book. And he is almost finished with page 300. Of the first chapter.

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Sarah Palin’s book, before publication, is already number one on Amazon.com’s list. In fact, the book is selling so well that the Kennedy family is thinking of subtitling Ted’s posthumous memoir “Going Brogue.”

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Sarah Palin’s book is already number one on Amazon.com’s sales list. Of course, many of these books are no doubt being purchased as giveaways to be used for political propaganda. By the Democrats.

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Palin’s part of the book is finished, now apparently the publisher is rushing to do the final editing, including fact checking. Why start now?

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University of New Mexico administrators are investigating a fight where football coach Mike Locksley allegedly struck an assistant. The coach could be suspended or fined. Or worse yet, he could be sentenced to coach the Oakland Raiders.

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A study at the University of Chicago says that playing sports makes people smarter. Of course, the number one sport at the University of Chicago? Chess.

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A study at the University of Chicago says that playing sports makes people smarter. And if there’s any University where they should really know sports….. oh, never mind.

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Great comment from Alex Kaseberg. “Wow, can you imagine where Michael Vick would be if he hadn’t played football.”

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A recent study showed a higher incidence of dementia among men who played NFL football. Presumably one of the first clues was “signing with the Oakland Raiders.”

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Out of the mouths of idiots? On the new Jay Leno show during the “Battle of the Jaywalk All Stars, Leno asked “Who elects the president?” One gal answered “Florida.”

Commie pinko alert:

Ted Kennedy would be appalled at all of this bad behavior, but really, what’s the difference between “die quickly” and “death panels?

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Top ten reasons Meg Whitman didn’t vote in the past.

September 29, 2009

California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman has admitted to at best infrequent voting in the past. In fact, she didn’t register as a Republican until 2007. According to the Sacramento Bee, who reviewed her voting record, she not only didn’t regularly vote in six states, she didn’t even register in most of them.

Her most recent excuse, after pointing out that Sonny Bono didn’t vote regularly before he was elected, is that she was busy with her career, her husband’s career, and her family.

Just for the heck of it, here’s ten more possible reasons:

(And before anyone puts this down to commie pinko tendencies….you haven’t read my Gavin Newsom and Jerry Brown jokes.)

10. The dog ate my absentee ballot.

9. Moved so often I forget what state I was in.

8. Election day fell on the same day the Ebay auction closed for Governor Sarah Palin’s jet.

7. Same as Steve Martin with his taxes – “I FORGOT.”

6. Too involved with business classes in school to have read about the 19th amendment.

5. Voting? Wasn’t that covered under leaving Ebay feedback?

4. Too busy working on perfecting my Sonny Bono lookalike haircut.

3. As Ebay’s Supreme Ruler didn’t have time for a meaningless democracy (contributed by Jerry Perisho)

2. Wanted to appeal to all those other Californians who never vote in elections. Oops.

And of course the true number one reason:

1. Never thought I would run for Governor.

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NFL and other follies.

September 29, 2009

A good thing for Tony Romo finally had a decent game, at this point Cowboys fans were about to blame him for distracting Jessica Simpson.

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Jets coach Rex Ryan benched wide receiver David Clowney for week three after his twitter gripes about playing time after week two. Said Ryan “If I feel a guy is not putting the team first,” Ryan said, “I’ll make that decision to put the guy down.” I think we can safely knock the Jets off the list for the next stop on T.O.s NFL tour.

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The Detroit Lions finally won a game on Sunday, so the 1976-77 Tampa Bay Bucs’ 26 game record losing streak remains the longest in NFL history. The 1972 Miami Dolphins always crack open a bottle of champagne when some team who has threatened their record loses. So what did the Bucs do – twist open a wine cooler?

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Former President Clinton says there is still a right wing conspiracy and it is still virulent. Former President George W. Bush is still trying to figure out what virulent means.

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President Obama has decided to head to Copenhagen for a few hours to lobby for bringing the 2016 Olympics to Chicago. And while some may criticize him, who better understands over-hyped, over-expensive and overly-media oriented productions than a man who’s been dealing with Congress?

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Apparently President Clinton offered to go in Obama’s stead. At least until he heard that the IOC was almost exclusively male and all over 70.

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finally from my twisted friend Melodi –

The 40-something-year old victim of 76-year-old Roman Polanski pleas for mercy toward Polanski because he wouldn’t do it again… Didn’t she mean couldn’t?
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