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Are you ready for two weeks without football…

January 25, 2010

…but of course, two weeks of hype. Starting tonight.

This year the Pro Bowl will be played the weekend between the league championship games and the Super Bowl. But if you are seriously excited about watching the Pro Bowl, it might be a serious sign that you need to get a life.

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Matt Stover, the Colts placekicker, will turn 42 on Wednesday and will be the oldest player ever in the Super Bowl. He did say later that while he looks forward to playing against the Saints, he is sorry he won’t get to face that nice young man, Brett Favre.

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Garrett Hartley, the Saints placekicker, was suspended earlier this year for taking Adderall, a banned stimulant used to treat ADD/ADHD. Apparently he is clean now. when asked about the medication in a post game news conference, Hartley’s response was “Oh, look, a puppy.”

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In general, I have a hard time believing that God cares much about sporting events. On the other hand, maybe we can’t rule out that He likes to reward bipartisan politicians. The only congressperson from either party who crossed party lines to vote for health care – Joseph Cao – from New Orleans.

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A recent poll gave California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger a 27 percent approval rating. And most people figured he couldn’t go any lower than “Jingle all the Way.”

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Watching these Pepsi “throwback” ads, where they are temporarily making the soft drink with “real sugar.” Doesn’t exactly give you a warm fuzzy feeling about whatever they are normally using now.

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And the real anticipation has begun – for the Super Bowl ads. Apparently Boost Mobile, a cellphone company, will air a 30-second spot that will reunite the 1985 Chicago Bears. Says Bill Littlejohn, in the video, “the former Bears will perform a music video called Super Bowl Shuffleboard.’’

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Just when you thought….

January 24, 2010

That it might be a slow week for comedy now that the on-air Jay Leno-Conan O’Brien feud is at least temporarily over… Here comes the news that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have broken up.

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Another Wikpedia mistake discovered. The current entry for the Nets starts out:

“The New Jersey Nets are a professional basketball team.”

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Sources say the Raiders will retain coach Tom Cable. Translation – they couldn’t find anyone else crazy enough to take the job.

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Meg Whitman is spending at least $39 million of her own money to run for Governor of California, NBC is spending about $45 million to get rid of Conan. ALMOST makes the San Francisco Giants’ paying Barry Zito $126 million for 7 years look reasonable.

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For Conan O’Brien’s last Tonight show, he took the high road. The result was a program that was relatively subdued, but often both gracious and touching. Many viewers, however, were disappointed. Well, duh, do we watch the Indianapolis 500 to see the most skillful, controlled drivers, or do we guiltily look forward to the spectacular wrecks?

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Parents in a Southern California school district wants to ban the Marriam Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary because a child noticed the word(s) “oral sex.”

So much for social studies students in that district ever doing projects on the impeachment of Bill Clinton and the Starr report.

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And this one will be out of date one way or another in about 12 hours, but what the heck….

In tragedy, the heroes must fail in the end, and they must fail for a reason at least partly of their own doing – the fatal flaw – which usually involves hubris. Like deciding you can let a vanquished victim live to fight another day because you don’t care enough to finish him off. Translation, Shakespeare would be rooting for the Jets.

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Conan, we hardly knew ye…

January 23, 2010

One of the highlights of the last Tonight Show with Conan O’Obrien was a snippet of a segment titled “Puppies dressed as cats.” Which was simply, puppies dressed in cat costumes. Apparently there was consideration of a similar segment, “Cats dressed as puppies,” but it resulted in too many injuries during rehearsal.

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You can’t read entertainment news online anywhere these days without seeing something about Conan, Jay and the Tonight Show. Except NBC.com (Seriously, it’s as if neither show exists.)

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In some ways you really have to hand it to NBC. After all, they had the most successful show at 1130p with a likeable Jay Leno, and a pretty good thing going late night with Conan O’Brien. And in a pretty short time they have managed to turn Jay into a bad guy and send Conan out the door, probably to Fox in seven months. Even by Congressional standards, it’s a world class FUBAR’ed situation.

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Only in California. In the Republican primary for the Governor’s race, Steve Poizner, who has given $19 million to his own campaign, has accused Meg Whitman, who has given $39 million to HER own campaign, of trying to buy the election.

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A top prospect in the Oakland As organization, Grant Desme, has left baseball to join the priesthood. Which is surprising, normally the only people who give up on baseball for a life of prayer are Cubs fans.

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A new study shows that parents of children have lower blood pressure than childless parents. Presumably this result was obtained without counting the parents of teenagers.

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The Supreme Court decision removing previous restrictions on corporate speech rests on the construct of “corporate personhood.” We thought the issue with gays was contentious. So how long until activists call to legalize “corporate marriage?”

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Another thought about this construct of “corporate personhood.” Does this mean the Supreme Court may also rule someday that future mergers must be between a male corporation and a female corporation.

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A United Airlines plane bound for San Francisco had to return to Dulles for an emergency landing 10 minutes after takeoff when a large bird was sucked into one of their engines. Passengers were unharmed but many are demanding credit for the extra 40 frequent flier miles.

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A tacky but funny joke from Jerry Perisho, with my own tacky followup.

Yet another heavy rain day – LA is getting spanked again. Usually, 5 days in a row involves a dominatrix and a “safe word”

Actually what several days of spanking in row in Los Angeles usually means – the Dodgers are in the playoffs.

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An Alaska man was sentenced to a day in jail and a year’s probation for throwing a taco at a Taco Bell manager. During his probation he is not allowed to visit any Taco Bells. Had the judge really wanted to throw the book at him, he would have been sentenced to eat there daily.

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Father’s Day?

January 22, 2010

John Edwards has admitted he is the father of Rielle Hunter’s baby. So while he was talking about “Two Americas,” who knew he was having children in both of them?

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Now that Edwards has admitted paternity of his mistress’s child, one question comes to mind: How long before potential Tiger cubs surface?

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Shaquille O’Neal wants to save the NBA’s All-Star dunk contest by making it a benefit with superstars for Haiti. Yo, Shaq, really want to get some donations. Get pledges based on how long it would take you to hit a certain number free throws in a row. (And then learn to shoot them.)

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More thoughts about Tiger. When does a man realize he’s a sex addict? When he gets caught.

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John Edwards says he wants to give his new acknowledged daughter the “love and attention” she deserves. Which if you’ve seen her baby pictures should be easy….she’s the next closest thing to John looking in a mirror.

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Ferguson Jenkins says Mark McGwire owes an apology to “all the pitchers he faced while juiced.” While I’m not a steroids fan, does that mean that Roger Clemens et al also owe an apology to all the batters THEY faced while juiced? .

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In California, Republican gubernatorial candidate Steve Poizner has “lent” $19 million to his campaign, while Meg Whitman has “lent” her campaign $39 million. And both of them say they should be elected governor so they can cut down on state spending.

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John McCain’s wife Cindy has come out in favor of gay marriage. Conservatives are not thrilled. On the other hand, they are relieved to hear a Republican “coming out” story that has nothing to do with airport bathrooms.

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The Mourning after….

January 21, 2010

Who knew, the “Hangover” could turn out to be a Democratic documentary for the day after the Massachusetts special election?

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At one point in her Senate campaign, Martha Coakley referred to Red Sox World Series hero Curt Schilling as a “Yankees fan.” In retrospect, that may have been when many voters in effect told her to “put a bloody sock in it.”
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At least Coakley wasn’t asked about Bobby Orr. She might have made some comment about rowing.

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John McCain’s wife Cindy has decided to come out against Proposition 8, the anti-gay marriage initiative in California. In a new ad, Cindy is wearing duct tape across her mouth. Just think of what could have happened had her husband’s campaign tried that strategy with Sarah Palin.
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Tiger Woods now apparently says he’s a “sex addict.” So what’s the difference between a sex addict and most men? Means and opportunity.

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Gavin Newsom gave an interview to Maureen Dowd of the New York Times saying he planned to leave politics in 2012. Later, he called the reporter to say he was “just kidding.” Who knows with the mercurial San Francisco mayor? Maybe he’ll end up playing quarterback for the Minnesota Vikings.

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Now it turns out that besides having a mediocre record at Tennessee and leaving after only a year, Lane Kiffin also wrecked the Lexus loaned to him by the university. Guess this assures that Coach Kiffin will go down in Volunteer history as “Rocky Flop.”

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No NHL team with at least seven players chosen to various Olympic teams has ever won the Stanley Cup. The Sharks have eight players going to Vancouver this year. Well, I guess that streak is safe.

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Four of the Sharks are playing for Canada. If Canada wins the gold, San Jose may ask that the NHL playoffs next year be moved up to February.

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Massachusetts and beyond…

January 20, 2010

Michael Dukakis, John Kerry, Martha Coakley…. Who knew Massachusetts was an old Indian word for “crappy Democratic candidates?”

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Some thought Coakley seemed complacent and arrogant. Apparently she might even be a closet supporter of Bill Belichick.

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True story, a client asked in our California office today about getting a passport for her child to go to Hawaii. The scariest thought, people like this can actually vote.

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Breaking news. Although Benji Molina was sure he had better offers, the veteran catchers ended up returning to the SF Giants for 2010 on a one-year contract at a reduced salary. Apparently those offers didn’t turn out to be as good as he thought. And one reputedly included some duties at 10pm on NBC.

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The San Francisco Giants are offering Lincecum $8 million a year in arbitration. The two-time Cy Young winner is asking for $13 million. San Francisco, however, can point out that perhaps it’s not the first time Tim is a little high.

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Conan O’Brien is reportedly close to an agreement with NBC that would allow him to keep the rights to his creations like “Triumph the Insult Comic Dog”, in exchange for a promise not to disparage the network. With all due respect, how can any comic make NBC look worse than they do themselves?

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Back to politics…have to wonder, with all the Democrats in Massachusetts, how did they come up with a candidate as weak as Martha Coakley? Do the state party leaders moonlight in the programming department of NBC?

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If the Republicans now plan to stall health care reform, however, Barack Obama does have a plan to end the filibuster. He’s going to show it every night on NBC at 10pm.

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Monday mourning quarterbacking…

January 19, 2010

Short post today due to computer performing about as well as the Cowboys’ offense last weekend.

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The Vikings absolutely took apart the Cowboys on Sunday. But to be fair, Brett has had years to learn how to beat Texans. He remembers the Alamo.

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And Favre says this is the best team he has ever been associated with, and the most fun he has had. No, he’s not dissing his former teams. He just can’t remember them.

Sarah Palin will be a VIP honored guest at the Daytona 500. And she plans to wave the checkered flag for the real winner after 250 miles.

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Maria Sharapova wore a much criticized dress that made her resemble a peacock in the Australian Open. And she was ousted in the first round. Maybe it’s not a good idea these days to appear dressed as the NBC mascot.

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Phil Kessel had the Maple Leafs’ team-leading, third winning goal against the Nashville Predators Monday night. Of course, many fans are thinking ‘Isn’t that the Leafs’ sum total of game winning goals?

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Okay, what were the odds- the New York Jets have won more games in January than the New Jersey Nets.

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Are you ready for a week without football…?

January 17, 2010

Or in the cases of San Diego, Dallas, Baltimore and Arizona, make that several months….

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San Diego’s all-pro kicker Nate Kaeding missed three crucial field goals in the Chargers’ 17-14 loss to the New York Jets. He may have lost his NFL job but with that many high-profile misses he may be offered the position of programming director at NBC.

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Rough day for Cowboys fans. And where was Jessica Simpson to blame when they needed her?

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Sad irony with the Indianapolis victory over the Ravens for die-hard Baltimore fans. It’s not just losing their team to another city in the middle of the night, it’s that the team that left, the Colts, just knocked out their replacement.

Sort of how “Late Night with Conan OBrien” fans feel.

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Are we sure NBC wasn’t somehow involved?

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The Saints-Vikings game is scheduled for 640p Eastern time next Sunday. How did they come up with 640p? Apparently it’s when Brett Favre says he will be done with his early bird special.

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For next week the over-under for the Saints-Vikings is 52. Many fans who saw the Saints-Cowboys have to be asking – for the first half?

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And the Saints are currently four point favorites. Of course this could change. There’s a whole week ahead, plenty of time for Brett Favre to consider retirement.

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NBC’s Olympic commercials feature a young woman athlete saying of the Games – “It’s the one pure thing that nothing can affect.” Well, except a French judge. Or maybe being shown at 1000p weeknights.

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Or as my very talented friend Neil Berliner adds, “or Tonya Harding with a crowbar.”

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Back to politics. More of a rant than a joke:

With alll the effort the Democrats having to put into trying to keep Ted Kennedy’s seat you think the Massachusetts state party could have spent a little more time and effort in candidate recruitment, or in talking Vicki into just running to finish out Ted’s term???

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A few thoughts halfway through a playoff weekend.

January 16, 2010

Being the punter for the New Orleans Saints today was like being the fact checker on Sarah Palin’s speechwriting staff.

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With the lousy performances by both the Ravens and the Cardinals, this was the worst day for bird fans since US Airways hit all those geese.

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Cincinnati Bengals coach Marvin Lewis was named coach of the year. Unfortunately as Bengals fans found out last week, it’s no longer 2009.

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Bristol Palin said in “In Touch” magazine that she considers herself “a born-again virgin.” What’s next, Tiger Woods and John Edwards retaking their marriage vows?
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The Stanford men’s basketball team lost 77-73 to Washington State, despite outscoring the Cougars 47-31 in the second half. Stanford’s Jeremy Green said afterwards “At halftime, coach really got to us; his speech, he really got into it.”

Perhaps next time Coach Dawkins should give that speech before the first half.

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Tiger Woods has apparently entered a rehab clinic for sex addiction. The clinic’s motto? “Just don’t do it.”

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Apparently many people believe that sex addiction would explain Tiger Woods’ reckless behavior with so many women. Of course, that behavior could also be explained by the fact that he’s a rich successful male athlete used to getting anything he wants.

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Slouching towards Saturday…

January 15, 2010

The New Orleans Saints, known for their high-powered offense, and slightly less high-powered defense, will play the Arizona Cardinals Saturday afternoon. The Cardinals beat the Green Bay Packers 51-45 in what was basically an Arena football style game (with no defense) last week. Stay tuned for the first NFL playoff game where the over-under might be triple digits.

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Heisman runner-up Toby Gerhart has decided he wants to get paid for playing football, and so will forgo his last year of eligibility at Stanford and enter the NFL draft. It was either that or transfer to USC.

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Sources say that whatever happens with his plea bargain, there are “irreconcilable differences” between Gilbert Arenas and the Washington Wizards. Arenas for his part says he took his best shot at it.
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Silly thought for a Friday. Heidi Montag has admitted to having 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day, so that she can feel “comfortable as a woman as a person.” Stay tuned for her next interview, when she will claim “no one appreciates the real me.”

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You have to hand it to NBC. They were losing at both the 10pm and 1135p time shots for comedy. So they basically decided to come up with their own material.

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No one is really happy with the mess at NBC. Okay, maybe except for Dave Letterman, and of course Tiger Woods.

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At this point, rumors are that there is a deal for Conan O’Brien to leave NBC, and presumably the best solution for the network is to keep him off the air. But if so, with a $80 million contract, at worst Conan stands to be the highest paid “American Idle.”

According to McCain advisor Steve Schmidt, Sarah Palin didn’t really understand why there was a North and South Korea. Which is unfortunate, because if she had, they wanted her to explain it to President Bush.

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Monday at the Oracle Arena in Oakland, the Harlem Globetrotters will take on their perennial opponents, the Washington Generals. Oddsmakers give the Generals a slightly better chance of winning than next Saturday’s Warriors opponents – the New Jersey Nets.

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More weaving in and out of a Lane…

January 15, 2010

So while Lane Kiffin’s dad, Monte, is much respected around the NFL, Lane himself has had a series of short term jobs with results that have been mediocre at best. Yet he keeps finding new high profile positions. This is scary, could it be a long range plan to have Kiffin end up as U.S. President?

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Since he bolted for USC after one scandal-plagued, expensive, mediocre year, Tennessee fans and students are referring to Lane Kiffin as a “whore.” Not true, whores generally provide value for money.

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UCLA offensive coordinator Norm Chow has said he is happy with the Bruins and will not join Lane Kiffin’s staff at USC. Translation, he might as well wait a year until the top Trojan job becomes available when Kiffin leaves to go somewhere else.

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Kiffin himself said of his leaving Tennessee to take the job with USC – “I really believe this is the only place I would have left to go.” If he keeps up with the results he has had in the last three jobs, there may not be ANY place he has left to go.

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Ben Burnett suggests that with his record, the logical place for Kiffin to end up is…Oakland, in a few years Al Davis will have forgotten who he is anyway.

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Gilbert Arenas has been charged with a felony for carrying an unlicensed gun. Prosecutors decided on this charge because there is no law for felony stupidity.

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The New York Mets are reportedly angry at Carlos Beltran for having knee surgery this week without getting a second opinion from their team doctors. The Mets wanted Beltran to consider waiting until the season was over, as in September.

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Carly Fiorina called Barbara Boxer a “failed senator.” Well, if anyone knows about failure it’s the woman who was fired both from Hewlett Packard AND John McCain’s presidential campaign.
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commie pinko time.

Open question to all Republicans who want Harry Reid to resign over his comments on Obama’s skin color and dialect – Who’s going to be the first to decry Rush Limbaugh’s comments that President Obama will use the crisis in Haiti to “boost his credibility with the black community?”

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A good week for idiots.

January 14, 2010

Pat Robertson has said that the horrific earthquake in Port au Prince is somehow the result of past misdeeds of the Haitian people. Which leads to a question – what misdeeds did the American people do in the past that we ended up with Pat Robertson?

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Goose Goosage said that PED users should not be allowed in the Baseball Hall of Fame, because it’s all about “integrity.” Right, players like Ty Cobb and Gaylord Perry.

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At least Gaylord Perry isn’t making a speech about integrity.

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-warning, bad pun alert –
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Tennessee Volunteers fans are furious at their now former football coach Lane Kiffin, who bolted for USC after only a year. Some are hoping the university can prove he violated his contract, which means he could be charged with an “illegal Lane change.”

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A joke from the very funny Jim Barach, with a followup effort of my own.

NBC says it will lose money broadcasting the Winter Olympics. But the network feels at home with winter sports, because they are proving that nobody is faster at going downhill.

Of course, they can always tape delay coverage and put it in the 10p slot.

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Tennessee Titans’ running back Chris Johnson won the NFL’s Offensive Player of the Year. As opposed to the Oakland Raiders JaMarcus Russell, whose play was ranked the NFL’s Most Offensive.

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Sephora is advertising free samples of Kim Kardashian’s “Eau de Toilette.” Wouldn’t it be more appropriate to call it “Eau de Toilet?”

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Alexandre Burrows of the Vancouver Canucks claimed that referee Stephane Auger called penalties on him as payback for being “shown up” in a previous game. The NHL investigated and found the accusations to be unfounded. But Burrows did get a call from Al Davis asking if he’d considered a post-hockey job in the Raiders organization.

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Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes…

January 13, 2010

This just in: Conan O’Brien changed his Facebook status from “In a relationship with NBC” to “It’s complicated.”

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Let’s see, Mark McGwire “comes clean” about steroids, but says he didn’t use them to help hit home runs and adds that Jose Canseco is lying about them injecting each other. Well, okay, admittedly Canseco is a scumbag, but if we are comparing records on the honesty scale.

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Isn’t Mark McGwire now calling Jose Canseco a liar like John Edwards calling Tiger Woods a bad husband?

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Matt Lauer asked Senator John McCain “if the vetting of Sarah Palin was so woefully inadequate that no one from the campaign traveled to Alaska to interview her husband or any of her political opponents? “I wouldn’t know,” McCain replied. Yes, and isn’t that the point exactly.

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Former Illinois Govenor Rod Blagojevich said he was “blacker than Barack Obama.” Now, there is no chance Blago is blacker than Obama. But he is certifiably dumber than a post.

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Another one bites the dust. At a time when no candidate has really caught fire, or come up with any really serious and practical new ideas, Tom Campbell is dropping out of the race to be the next Governor of California. This isn’t a gubernatorial race, it’s “last comic standing.”

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Tom Campbell is dropping out of the Republican gubernatorial primary, leaving the contest to multi-millionaires Meg Whitman and Steve Poizner, who have already spent almost $20 million between them. If Whitman and Poizner really want to help California, what about donating the rest of their campaign budget to the state, and flipping a coin to decide a winner?

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Lane Kiffin has left the University of Tennessee after barely a year and will now coach at USC. It’s all about ambition – guess he wanted to be on probation at a higher-profile school.

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In his short tenure at Tennessee, Kiffin was cited for several minor NCAA violations, three players were arrested, and the football program was accused of more serious recruiting violations involving scantily clad coeds. With that much mess in such a short time – if this USC gig doesn’t work out Kiffin could be offered a job in the programming department of NBC.

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And today’s final word back at NBC, Conan O’Brien has rejected the network’s offer of a 1205a show. Well, the 10 pm slot is vacant….

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A home run king took steroids? I’m shocked, shocked…

January 12, 2010

Breaking news: Mark McGwire admitted in a apologetic statement today that he had indeed used steroids. “I’m really shocked” said absolutely nobody.
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Mark McGwire confessed to steroid use today, then immediately started qualifying his apology. Yo, Mark, you had us at “I’m Sorry.”

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McGwire stated the steroid use was for injuries, but it did not help him hit home runs. I think I like “didnt inhale” better.

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When will they ever learn? Seriously, had McGwire just made a simple apology and been done with it, he would have come out sounding a lot better. Even Governor Sanford was heard to comment, “Mark, less is more.”

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Not saying that Conan O’Brien is bitter, but allegedly one of his shows later this week will be subtitled “Clinging to guns and religion.”

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Simon Cowell has announced he will be leaving American Idol after this season. Apparently he wants to spend more time with his mirror.

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Regarding the Conan-Leno drama, some think Conan should jump to Fox. But Fox just signed Sarah Palin. Who might be a good choice for a late night talk show herself. Half the audience would consider it news, and the other half would consider one of the funniest things on television.

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If Conan decides to quit NBC and get out of the late night business altogether, he would receive an $80 million payout, but he’d have to give up on having a regular television audience to watch him tell jokes. So basically he’d be in the same position Leno is in now.

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On “The Bachelor” tonight, a contestant named Rozlyn was sent home for having a physical relationship with a producer on the show. Let’s see, you’re living in a house where cameras are running nonstop, and you’re competing with 20 something other women to win a guy, and you think you are going to get away with a “secret affair” while this is going on? Not only is she off “Bachelor”, but Rozlyn has also just proved herself ineligible for “Are you Smarter than a Fifth Grader?”

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God’s will?

January 11, 2010

According to former McCain aide Steve Schmidt, Sarah Palin believed she was chosen as the vice-presidential candidate because it was “God’s plan.” If so, this is compelling evidence that God is a Democrat.

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In the midst of an NCAA investigation into major violations with the Trojan football program, Pete Carroll has resigned from USC. Which probably means that he has signed on as coach as the Seahawks. Either way he probably wasn’t going to end up with a bowl eligible team.

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NBC has announced that they will cancel “The Jay Leno Show” at 1000p. They intend to move it to a half hour program at 1135p. Actually the network announced this decision last week on Leno’s show, but nobody saw it.

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Hard-core Brett Favre fans watching the Packers-Cardinals game will say that the ageless quarterback would never have made that game-ending fumble. Of course not, he would have thrown a game ending interception.

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The first NFL Wild-Card game on Sunday started at 1000a Pacific Time. This meant a lot of fans on the West Coast ended up just sleeping through the first quarter of the Baltimore-New England game. Guess what? The Patriots did too.

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According to the University of Texas trainer, apparently Colt McCoy wanted to return to the BCS championship game but the injury had prevented him from “throwing with with the strength or accuracy he needed.”

This would, however, not have disqualified him from playing quarterback for the Raiders.

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For all those looking ahead to next week’s NFL playoffs (and yes, it’s true, there are no bowl games this week, finally), the Arizona Cardinals, after their 51-45 win against the Packers, will take their high-powered offense and somewhat-challenged defense on the road to New Orleans. And the Saints follow a pretty similar model. This could be the first NFL game ever with a triple digit over-under.

(note to casual or non betting fans- the over-under is a bet where you bet on how many TOTAL points will be scored by both teams a game.)
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On the Leno mess. In all seriousness. As someone who grew up looking forward to those times when I could stay up and watch the Tonight Show, mostly Fridays and school breaks, it seemed pretty obvious even then that it was the kind of show you watched before going to bed. I remember Carson talking in an interview about all the men who would come up to him and, thinking they were original, say, “Hey, Johnny, my wife undresses in front of you every night.”

And even when I watched the show, I didn’t always make it to the end. Nonetheless, it was a great way to end the day. Which leads to the problem. NBC claims the ratings for “the Jay Leno Show” weren’t bad, but the networks complained it was a terrible lead in to the news. In the words of Homer Simpson “D’oh”

Anyone who wanted a late night post news show was going to watch Conan or Letterman, because that’s the kind of show they wanted at that time. My guess is that a lot of people who watched Jay turned the set off afterwards and went to bed, and got whatever news they needed online or early am. It just doesn’t feel right to watch a relaxing and sometimes cheesy variety/talk show, and then turn on the local “Fire, weather and murder” show, aka the news.

Not that the Leno show ever really felt like it had quite jelled, but I think almost any similar show with any host would be a failure at that hour, especially in terms of being a news lead-in. IMHO.

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Groundhog day.

January 10, 2010

This was supposed to be the first day of the playoffs. But didn’t we see both these games- Jets over Bengals, and Cowboys over Eagles, last week?

It was pretty embarrassing in Cincinnati. Ocho cinco was ochenta – seis-ed. (translation, 86’ed)

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Philadelphia often plays “Fly like an Eagles” as a pep song for their team. Tonight it was more like “Fly like an ostrich.”

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If New England beats Baltimore Sunday, the Jets will play the Colts next week. Which for karma fans could bring the delightful prospect of Indianapolis being knocked out of the playoffs by the team they let in wit their wuss act when they were undefeated with a two-touchdown lead.

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An Atlanta to San Francisco flight was diverted to Colorado Springs Friday because of an intoxicated man hiding out in the toilet. No word yet on if he was the pilot.

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A software engineer has announced he has calculated Pi to 2.7 trillion digits. Just how big a number is that? By the end of the decade it might be an approximation of the Yankees payroll.
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So a day after Rudy Giuliani said there were no terrorist attacks under President Bush, Harry Reid is under fire for referring to President Obama as “light skinned” with no “negro dialect.” Proving once again that even though it may not result in getting leglislation passed, stupidity is absolutely bipartisan.

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From Nick Coombs, Giuliani’s statement that there were no terrorist attacks in the U.S. under President George W. Bush may have been the first sentence he uttered in years that didn’t include 9/11.
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Pete Carroll is rumored to be leaving USC for the Seattle Seahawks. I’m sure this has nothing to do with the rumors that the NCAA may soon put the Trojan football program on some pretty serious probation. Nah.

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The BCS, airline security, and other jokes.

January 9, 2010

With all the fallout from the Gilbert Arenas gun incident with the Wizards following a card game, the New Jersey Nets informed players that gambling was no longer permitted on team flights. Which is harsh. It’s the only way this year at least some of the Nets were getting a taste of winning.

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A Facebook exercise designed to draw attention to breast cancer is requesting women to post their bra color as their status, and then invite their friends to do the same. Not surprisingly, Al Gore posted “green.”

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Backup Texas quarterback Garrett Gilbert’s father Gale was actually the Cal quarterback when they beat Stanford on “The Play.” Unfortunately last night Garrett didn’t have the Stanford band to bail him out.

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ESPN analysts are saying Boise State has a real chance for next year’s national championship, but it will depend on their pre-season ranking. Ladies and gentlemen, congratulations to the BCS. They have just turned college football into Olympic figure skating.

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Jay Leno made a lot of snide jokes tonight about NBC’s possibly cancelling his show. The network might have sued him for libel. But libel requires that the negative comments actually reach an audience.

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Curtis Allina, the inventor of the Pez dispenser, died at the age of 87. The funeral will feature a closed top coffin, which will then pop open, then closed, then open, then closed…

The service will be private, but tickets may be available on Ebay.

(explanatory note, Ebay was supposedly founded by a guy who wanted to make it easier for his girlfriend to buy and sell her Pez dispenser connection.)

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Former New York mayor Rudy Guiliani appeared on ABC’s “Good Morning America” and praised former President George W. Bush’s record on terrorism over that of President Obama’s. “We had no domestic attacks under Bush; we’ve had one under Obama.” Yes, he said it.

Later apparently, Guiliani corrected himself and said he should have said “Since 9/11.” Oh yeah, that. But, btw, Richard Reed boarded that American flight with his shoe bomb on December 22, 2001.

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A Hawaiian Airlines flight to Maui was intercepted by fighter pilots and returned to Portland because of a passenger’s rambling comment card talking about “Gilligan’s Island” with fantasies about Ginger and Mary Ann. Now, I’m no theology expert, but I think it’s a pretty sure bet that the 72 virgins do NOT include Ginger and Mary Ann.

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Republican strategist Steve Schmidt, who was engaged in a bitter power struggle with Sarah Palin, now says the former Alaska governor lied on the campaign trail. So as angry as he is, Schmidt is basically conceding Palin showed signs of being able to run for president.

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It’s over….

January 8, 2010

Yes, the college bowl season is over. You know it probably went on too long when the last truly awful football plays of the year weren’t made by the Detroit Lions.

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Congrats to the Crimson Tide for winning the BCS National Championship Game against a Colt McCoy-less Longhorns team. And over in Idaho, the Boise State Broncos are thinking, with some reason… we could take either of these teams.

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Tonight’s BCS championship game between Texas and Alabama was played over a month after both teams played their last games. The players have been so bored, some of them have actually gone to class

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Longhorns quarterback Colt McCoy was injured and out of the BCS Championship early. It was the most desperate time Texans could remember without a real leader since George W. Bush was governor.
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The BCS championship game was played over a month after the regular season ended. “And the problem with that is?” said Bud Selig.

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Of course, the reason for the huge delay until the final game was for hype, and television ratings. Which means someday the World Series could be known as the “Thanksgiving Classic.”

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It now appears Gilbert Arenas’s teammate Javaris Crittenton actually cocked and loaded his gun during their locker room confrontration. But come on, he’s a Wizard. There was no chance he would get off a good shot.

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USC quarterback Aaron Corp, who lost his starting job to Matt Barkley after being injured, announced that he was transferring to the University of Richmond. Corp must really want out. Being at Richmond is likely to be a heckuva pay cut.

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A sting operation caught as many as 58 nine potential illegal immigrants last Sunday in Foxboro. The men were their way to shovel snow off the field at Gillette Stadium before the Patriots game. This could be the biggest immigrant roundup in sports since the Yankees took their team picture.

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According to the New York Post, White House party crashers Tareq and Michaele Salahi are apparently being paid $5000 to headline a party at Caesar’s Palace nightclub. Well, that will discourage them.

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The organizers for the party who are paying gate-crashing Salahi’s a $5000 appearance fee expect to sell several hundred tickets. With an actual attendance figure of about 20,000.

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John McCain has released an anti-Obama commercial to kick off his own re-election campaign. Senator McCain wanted the commercial to look as up-to-date and modern as possible so he insisted it be shot in Technicolor.

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Not so cheap shots…

January 7, 2010

The NBA has suspended Gilbert Arenas indefinitely. Bummer for Wizards fans. This really puts a dent in their hopes of catching the Charlotte Bobcats for fourth place. (In a five team division.)

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David Stern says he has concluded that Arenas “is not currently fit to take the court in an NBA game.” Stay tuned tomorrow, when the commissioner suspends the New Jersey Nets.

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How strong is the new Gilbert Arenas cocktail? You’re out of commission before you take the first shot.

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New York Jets coach Rex Ryan proclaimed that his 9-7 team should be the favorites to win the Super Bowl. “Is he out of his mind?” asked Joe Namath.

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Mike Shanahan was introduced as the new coach of the Washington Redskins. Fans have high hopes for him. Who knows, Shanahan could even last three years out of his five year contract.
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Brit Hume has stated that he thinks Tiger Woods should convert to Christianity. Yeah, that’s worked so well for Mark Sanford, Robert Ensign and Bill Clinton.

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Beginnings and endings.

January 6, 2010

Mike Shanahan appears to be ready to accept the job as coach of the Washington Redskins. For non-sports fans, this is essentially the equivalent of signing on to be the fifth trophy wife of a billionaire. The odds favor the contract being dissolved, but you can profit nicely on the pre-nup.

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The Big Unit, Randy Johnson, retired tonight after 22 seasons. He received a number of phone calls, texts and emails from fellow athletes, including one from Brett Favre. Which simply said “The first time is the hardest.”

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Game time temperature was 48 degrees in Miami for the Orange Bowl. But the Iowa Hawkeyes prevailed, despite the blazing heat. (Note to non-midwesterns, game time temp in Iowa City, minus 1 degrees, wind chill to -12.)

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USC penalized their basketball program themselves after an internal investigation into recruiting violations regarding O.J. Mayo. In related news, the investigation into payments made to former Trojan Reggie Bush continues, and the NCAA hopes to wrap it up before Bush retires from the NFL.

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The FAA suspended all flights in and out of Bakersfield airport Tuesday after “hazardous material” was found in luggage there. Americans were shocked. Bakersfield has an airport?

(note, the hazardous substance turned out to be honey. seriously. the weight loss fanatics are taking over…)

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San Francisco 49ers coach Mike Singletary said in a post-season news conference that his team is “just a few players away.” Unfortunately, those players are Joe Montana, Jerry Rice, and Ronnie Lott.

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In the category of “wish I’d written this,” from Jerry Perisho:
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South Carolina first lady Jenny Sanford’s memoir about dealing with her husband’s affair will be released in February, rather than May as originally planned.… Mark Sanford’s Argentine mistress said, “A typical Sanford, always finishing early.”

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