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Monday mourning quarterbacking…

January 19, 2010

Short post today due to computer performing about as well as the Cowboys’ offense last weekend.

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The Vikings absolutely took apart the Cowboys on Sunday. But to be fair, Brett has had years to learn how to beat Texans. He remembers the Alamo.

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And Favre says this is the best team he has ever been associated with, and the most fun he has had. No, he’s not dissing his former teams. He just can’t remember them.

Sarah Palin will be a VIP honored guest at the Daytona 500. And she plans to wave the checkered flag for the real winner after 250 miles.

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Maria Sharapova wore a much criticized dress that made her resemble a peacock in the Australian Open. And she was ousted in the first round. Maybe it’s not a good idea these days to appear dressed as the NBC mascot.

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Phil Kessel had the Maple Leafs’ team-leading, third winning goal against the Nashville Predators Monday night. Of course, many fans are thinking ‘Isn’t that the Leafs’ sum total of game winning goals?

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Okay, what were the odds- the New York Jets have won more games in January than the New Jersey Nets.

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Are you ready for a week without football…?

January 17, 2010

Or in the cases of San Diego, Dallas, Baltimore and Arizona, make that several months….

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San Diego’s all-pro kicker Nate Kaeding missed three crucial field goals in the Chargers’ 17-14 loss to the New York Jets. He may have lost his NFL job but with that many high-profile misses he may be offered the position of programming director at NBC.

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Rough day for Cowboys fans. And where was Jessica Simpson to blame when they needed her?

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Sad irony with the Indianapolis victory over the Ravens for die-hard Baltimore fans. It’s not just losing their team to another city in the middle of the night, it’s that the team that left, the Colts, just knocked out their replacement.

Sort of how “Late Night with Conan OBrien” fans feel.

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Are we sure NBC wasn’t somehow involved?

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The Saints-Vikings game is scheduled for 640p Eastern time next Sunday. How did they come up with 640p? Apparently it’s when Brett Favre says he will be done with his early bird special.

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For next week the over-under for the Saints-Vikings is 52. Many fans who saw the Saints-Cowboys have to be asking – for the first half?

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And the Saints are currently four point favorites. Of course this could change. There’s a whole week ahead, plenty of time for Brett Favre to consider retirement.

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NBC’s Olympic commercials feature a young woman athlete saying of the Games – “It’s the one pure thing that nothing can affect.” Well, except a French judge. Or maybe being shown at 1000p weeknights.

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Or as my very talented friend Neil Berliner adds, “or Tonya Harding with a crowbar.”

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Back to politics. More of a rant than a joke:

With alll the effort the Democrats having to put into trying to keep Ted Kennedy’s seat you think the Massachusetts state party could have spent a little more time and effort in candidate recruitment, or in talking Vicki into just running to finish out Ted’s term???

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A few thoughts halfway through a playoff weekend.

January 16, 2010

Being the punter for the New Orleans Saints today was like being the fact checker on Sarah Palin’s speechwriting staff.

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With the lousy performances by both the Ravens and the Cardinals, this was the worst day for bird fans since US Airways hit all those geese.

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Cincinnati Bengals coach Marvin Lewis was named coach of the year. Unfortunately as Bengals fans found out last week, it’s no longer 2009.

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Bristol Palin said in “In Touch” magazine that she considers herself “a born-again virgin.” What’s next, Tiger Woods and John Edwards retaking their marriage vows?
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The Stanford men’s basketball team lost 77-73 to Washington State, despite outscoring the Cougars 47-31 in the second half. Stanford’s Jeremy Green said afterwards “At halftime, coach really got to us; his speech, he really got into it.”

Perhaps next time Coach Dawkins should give that speech before the first half.

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Tiger Woods has apparently entered a rehab clinic for sex addiction. The clinic’s motto? “Just don’t do it.”

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Apparently many people believe that sex addiction would explain Tiger Woods’ reckless behavior with so many women. Of course, that behavior could also be explained by the fact that he’s a rich successful male athlete used to getting anything he wants.

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Slouching towards Saturday…

January 15, 2010

The New Orleans Saints, known for their high-powered offense, and slightly less high-powered defense, will play the Arizona Cardinals Saturday afternoon. The Cardinals beat the Green Bay Packers 51-45 in what was basically an Arena football style game (with no defense) last week. Stay tuned for the first NFL playoff game where the over-under might be triple digits.

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Heisman runner-up Toby Gerhart has decided he wants to get paid for playing football, and so will forgo his last year of eligibility at Stanford and enter the NFL draft. It was either that or transfer to USC.

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Sources say that whatever happens with his plea bargain, there are “irreconcilable differences” between Gilbert Arenas and the Washington Wizards. Arenas for his part says he took his best shot at it.
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Silly thought for a Friday. Heidi Montag has admitted to having 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day, so that she can feel “comfortable as a woman as a person.” Stay tuned for her next interview, when she will claim “no one appreciates the real me.”

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You have to hand it to NBC. They were losing at both the 10pm and 1135p time shots for comedy. So they basically decided to come up with their own material.

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No one is really happy with the mess at NBC. Okay, maybe except for Dave Letterman, and of course Tiger Woods.

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At this point, rumors are that there is a deal for Conan O’Brien to leave NBC, and presumably the best solution for the network is to keep him off the air. But if so, with a $80 million contract, at worst Conan stands to be the highest paid “American Idle.”

According to McCain advisor Steve Schmidt, Sarah Palin didn’t really understand why there was a North and South Korea. Which is unfortunate, because if she had, they wanted her to explain it to President Bush.

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Monday at the Oracle Arena in Oakland, the Harlem Globetrotters will take on their perennial opponents, the Washington Generals. Oddsmakers give the Generals a slightly better chance of winning than next Saturday’s Warriors opponents – the New Jersey Nets.

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More weaving in and out of a Lane…

January 15, 2010

So while Lane Kiffin’s dad, Monte, is much respected around the NFL, Lane himself has had a series of short term jobs with results that have been mediocre at best. Yet he keeps finding new high profile positions. This is scary, could it be a long range plan to have Kiffin end up as U.S. President?

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Since he bolted for USC after one scandal-plagued, expensive, mediocre year, Tennessee fans and students are referring to Lane Kiffin as a “whore.” Not true, whores generally provide value for money.

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UCLA offensive coordinator Norm Chow has said he is happy with the Bruins and will not join Lane Kiffin’s staff at USC. Translation, he might as well wait a year until the top Trojan job becomes available when Kiffin leaves to go somewhere else.

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Kiffin himself said of his leaving Tennessee to take the job with USC – “I really believe this is the only place I would have left to go.” If he keeps up with the results he has had in the last three jobs, there may not be ANY place he has left to go.

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Ben Burnett suggests that with his record, the logical place for Kiffin to end up is…Oakland, in a few years Al Davis will have forgotten who he is anyway.

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Gilbert Arenas has been charged with a felony for carrying an unlicensed gun. Prosecutors decided on this charge because there is no law for felony stupidity.

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The New York Mets are reportedly angry at Carlos Beltran for having knee surgery this week without getting a second opinion from their team doctors. The Mets wanted Beltran to consider waiting until the season was over, as in September.

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Carly Fiorina called Barbara Boxer a “failed senator.” Well, if anyone knows about failure it’s the woman who was fired both from Hewlett Packard AND John McCain’s presidential campaign.
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commie pinko time.

Open question to all Republicans who want Harry Reid to resign over his comments on Obama’s skin color and dialect – Who’s going to be the first to decry Rush Limbaugh’s comments that President Obama will use the crisis in Haiti to “boost his credibility with the black community?”

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A good week for idiots.

January 14, 2010

Pat Robertson has said that the horrific earthquake in Port au Prince is somehow the result of past misdeeds of the Haitian people. Which leads to a question – what misdeeds did the American people do in the past that we ended up with Pat Robertson?

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Goose Goosage said that PED users should not be allowed in the Baseball Hall of Fame, because it’s all about “integrity.” Right, players like Ty Cobb and Gaylord Perry.

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At least Gaylord Perry isn’t making a speech about integrity.

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-warning, bad pun alert –
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Tennessee Volunteers fans are furious at their now former football coach Lane Kiffin, who bolted for USC after only a year. Some are hoping the university can prove he violated his contract, which means he could be charged with an “illegal Lane change.”

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A joke from the very funny Jim Barach, with a followup effort of my own.

NBC says it will lose money broadcasting the Winter Olympics. But the network feels at home with winter sports, because they are proving that nobody is faster at going downhill.

Of course, they can always tape delay coverage and put it in the 10p slot.

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Tennessee Titans’ running back Chris Johnson won the NFL’s Offensive Player of the Year. As opposed to the Oakland Raiders JaMarcus Russell, whose play was ranked the NFL’s Most Offensive.

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Sephora is advertising free samples of Kim Kardashian’s “Eau de Toilette.” Wouldn’t it be more appropriate to call it “Eau de Toilet?”

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Alexandre Burrows of the Vancouver Canucks claimed that referee Stephane Auger called penalties on him as payback for being “shown up” in a previous game. The NHL investigated and found the accusations to be unfounded. But Burrows did get a call from Al Davis asking if he’d considered a post-hockey job in the Raiders organization.

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Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-changes…

January 13, 2010

This just in: Conan O’Brien changed his Facebook status from “In a relationship with NBC” to “It’s complicated.”

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Let’s see, Mark McGwire “comes clean” about steroids, but says he didn’t use them to help hit home runs and adds that Jose Canseco is lying about them injecting each other. Well, okay, admittedly Canseco is a scumbag, but if we are comparing records on the honesty scale.

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Isn’t Mark McGwire now calling Jose Canseco a liar like John Edwards calling Tiger Woods a bad husband?

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Matt Lauer asked Senator John McCain “if the vetting of Sarah Palin was so woefully inadequate that no one from the campaign traveled to Alaska to interview her husband or any of her political opponents? “I wouldn’t know,” McCain replied. Yes, and isn’t that the point exactly.

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Former Illinois Govenor Rod Blagojevich said he was “blacker than Barack Obama.” Now, there is no chance Blago is blacker than Obama. But he is certifiably dumber than a post.

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Another one bites the dust. At a time when no candidate has really caught fire, or come up with any really serious and practical new ideas, Tom Campbell is dropping out of the race to be the next Governor of California. This isn’t a gubernatorial race, it’s “last comic standing.”

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Tom Campbell is dropping out of the Republican gubernatorial primary, leaving the contest to multi-millionaires Meg Whitman and Steve Poizner, who have already spent almost $20 million between them. If Whitman and Poizner really want to help California, what about donating the rest of their campaign budget to the state, and flipping a coin to decide a winner?

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Lane Kiffin has left the University of Tennessee after barely a year and will now coach at USC. It’s all about ambition – guess he wanted to be on probation at a higher-profile school.

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In his short tenure at Tennessee, Kiffin was cited for several minor NCAA violations, three players were arrested, and the football program was accused of more serious recruiting violations involving scantily clad coeds. With that much mess in such a short time – if this USC gig doesn’t work out Kiffin could be offered a job in the programming department of NBC.

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And today’s final word back at NBC, Conan O’Brien has rejected the network’s offer of a 1205a show. Well, the 10 pm slot is vacant….

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A home run king took steroids? I’m shocked, shocked…

January 12, 2010

Breaking news: Mark McGwire admitted in a apologetic statement today that he had indeed used steroids. “I’m really shocked” said absolutely nobody.
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Mark McGwire confessed to steroid use today, then immediately started qualifying his apology. Yo, Mark, you had us at “I’m Sorry.”

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McGwire stated the steroid use was for injuries, but it did not help him hit home runs. I think I like “didnt inhale” better.

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When will they ever learn? Seriously, had McGwire just made a simple apology and been done with it, he would have come out sounding a lot better. Even Governor Sanford was heard to comment, “Mark, less is more.”

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Not saying that Conan O’Brien is bitter, but allegedly one of his shows later this week will be subtitled “Clinging to guns and religion.”

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Simon Cowell has announced he will be leaving American Idol after this season. Apparently he wants to spend more time with his mirror.

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Regarding the Conan-Leno drama, some think Conan should jump to Fox. But Fox just signed Sarah Palin. Who might be a good choice for a late night talk show herself. Half the audience would consider it news, and the other half would consider one of the funniest things on television.

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If Conan decides to quit NBC and get out of the late night business altogether, he would receive an $80 million payout, but he’d have to give up on having a regular television audience to watch him tell jokes. So basically he’d be in the same position Leno is in now.

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On “The Bachelor” tonight, a contestant named Rozlyn was sent home for having a physical relationship with a producer on the show. Let’s see, you’re living in a house where cameras are running nonstop, and you’re competing with 20 something other women to win a guy, and you think you are going to get away with a “secret affair” while this is going on? Not only is she off “Bachelor”, but Rozlyn has also just proved herself ineligible for “Are you Smarter than a Fifth Grader?”

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God’s will?

January 11, 2010

According to former McCain aide Steve Schmidt, Sarah Palin believed she was chosen as the vice-presidential candidate because it was “God’s plan.” If so, this is compelling evidence that God is a Democrat.

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In the midst of an NCAA investigation into major violations with the Trojan football program, Pete Carroll has resigned from USC. Which probably means that he has signed on as coach as the Seahawks. Either way he probably wasn’t going to end up with a bowl eligible team.

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NBC has announced that they will cancel “The Jay Leno Show” at 1000p. They intend to move it to a half hour program at 1135p. Actually the network announced this decision last week on Leno’s show, but nobody saw it.

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Hard-core Brett Favre fans watching the Packers-Cardinals game will say that the ageless quarterback would never have made that game-ending fumble. Of course not, he would have thrown a game ending interception.

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The first NFL Wild-Card game on Sunday started at 1000a Pacific Time. This meant a lot of fans on the West Coast ended up just sleeping through the first quarter of the Baltimore-New England game. Guess what? The Patriots did too.

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According to the University of Texas trainer, apparently Colt McCoy wanted to return to the BCS championship game but the injury had prevented him from “throwing with with the strength or accuracy he needed.”

This would, however, not have disqualified him from playing quarterback for the Raiders.

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For all those looking ahead to next week’s NFL playoffs (and yes, it’s true, there are no bowl games this week, finally), the Arizona Cardinals, after their 51-45 win against the Packers, will take their high-powered offense and somewhat-challenged defense on the road to New Orleans. And the Saints follow a pretty similar model. This could be the first NFL game ever with a triple digit over-under.

(note to casual or non betting fans- the over-under is a bet where you bet on how many TOTAL points will be scored by both teams a game.)
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On the Leno mess. In all seriousness. As someone who grew up looking forward to those times when I could stay up and watch the Tonight Show, mostly Fridays and school breaks, it seemed pretty obvious even then that it was the kind of show you watched before going to bed. I remember Carson talking in an interview about all the men who would come up to him and, thinking they were original, say, “Hey, Johnny, my wife undresses in front of you every night.”

And even when I watched the show, I didn’t always make it to the end. Nonetheless, it was a great way to end the day. Which leads to the problem. NBC claims the ratings for “the Jay Leno Show” weren’t bad, but the networks complained it was a terrible lead in to the news. In the words of Homer Simpson “D’oh”

Anyone who wanted a late night post news show was going to watch Conan or Letterman, because that’s the kind of show they wanted at that time. My guess is that a lot of people who watched Jay turned the set off afterwards and went to bed, and got whatever news they needed online or early am. It just doesn’t feel right to watch a relaxing and sometimes cheesy variety/talk show, and then turn on the local “Fire, weather and murder” show, aka the news.

Not that the Leno show ever really felt like it had quite jelled, but I think almost any similar show with any host would be a failure at that hour, especially in terms of being a news lead-in. IMHO.

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Groundhog day.

January 10, 2010

This was supposed to be the first day of the playoffs. But didn’t we see both these games- Jets over Bengals, and Cowboys over Eagles, last week?

It was pretty embarrassing in Cincinnati. Ocho cinco was ochenta – seis-ed. (translation, 86’ed)

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Philadelphia often plays “Fly like an Eagles” as a pep song for their team. Tonight it was more like “Fly like an ostrich.”

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If New England beats Baltimore Sunday, the Jets will play the Colts next week. Which for karma fans could bring the delightful prospect of Indianapolis being knocked out of the playoffs by the team they let in wit their wuss act when they were undefeated with a two-touchdown lead.

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An Atlanta to San Francisco flight was diverted to Colorado Springs Friday because of an intoxicated man hiding out in the toilet. No word yet on if he was the pilot.

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A software engineer has announced he has calculated Pi to 2.7 trillion digits. Just how big a number is that? By the end of the decade it might be an approximation of the Yankees payroll.
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So a day after Rudy Giuliani said there were no terrorist attacks under President Bush, Harry Reid is under fire for referring to President Obama as “light skinned” with no “negro dialect.” Proving once again that even though it may not result in getting leglislation passed, stupidity is absolutely bipartisan.

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From Nick Coombs, Giuliani’s statement that there were no terrorist attacks in the U.S. under President George W. Bush may have been the first sentence he uttered in years that didn’t include 9/11.
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Pete Carroll is rumored to be leaving USC for the Seattle Seahawks. I’m sure this has nothing to do with the rumors that the NCAA may soon put the Trojan football program on some pretty serious probation. Nah.

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The BCS, airline security, and other jokes.

January 9, 2010

With all the fallout from the Gilbert Arenas gun incident with the Wizards following a card game, the New Jersey Nets informed players that gambling was no longer permitted on team flights. Which is harsh. It’s the only way this year at least some of the Nets were getting a taste of winning.

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A Facebook exercise designed to draw attention to breast cancer is requesting women to post their bra color as their status, and then invite their friends to do the same. Not surprisingly, Al Gore posted “green.”

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Backup Texas quarterback Garrett Gilbert’s father Gale was actually the Cal quarterback when they beat Stanford on “The Play.” Unfortunately last night Garrett didn’t have the Stanford band to bail him out.

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ESPN analysts are saying Boise State has a real chance for next year’s national championship, but it will depend on their pre-season ranking. Ladies and gentlemen, congratulations to the BCS. They have just turned college football into Olympic figure skating.

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Jay Leno made a lot of snide jokes tonight about NBC’s possibly cancelling his show. The network might have sued him for libel. But libel requires that the negative comments actually reach an audience.

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Curtis Allina, the inventor of the Pez dispenser, died at the age of 87. The funeral will feature a closed top coffin, which will then pop open, then closed, then open, then closed…

The service will be private, but tickets may be available on Ebay.

(explanatory note, Ebay was supposedly founded by a guy who wanted to make it easier for his girlfriend to buy and sell her Pez dispenser connection.)

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Former New York mayor Rudy Guiliani appeared on ABC’s “Good Morning America” and praised former President George W. Bush’s record on terrorism over that of President Obama’s. “We had no domestic attacks under Bush; we’ve had one under Obama.” Yes, he said it.

Later apparently, Guiliani corrected himself and said he should have said “Since 9/11.” Oh yeah, that. But, btw, Richard Reed boarded that American flight with his shoe bomb on December 22, 2001.

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A Hawaiian Airlines flight to Maui was intercepted by fighter pilots and returned to Portland because of a passenger’s rambling comment card talking about “Gilligan’s Island” with fantasies about Ginger and Mary Ann. Now, I’m no theology expert, but I think it’s a pretty sure bet that the 72 virgins do NOT include Ginger and Mary Ann.

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Republican strategist Steve Schmidt, who was engaged in a bitter power struggle with Sarah Palin, now says the former Alaska governor lied on the campaign trail. So as angry as he is, Schmidt is basically conceding Palin showed signs of being able to run for president.

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It’s over….

January 8, 2010

Yes, the college bowl season is over. You know it probably went on too long when the last truly awful football plays of the year weren’t made by the Detroit Lions.

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Congrats to the Crimson Tide for winning the BCS National Championship Game against a Colt McCoy-less Longhorns team. And over in Idaho, the Boise State Broncos are thinking, with some reason… we could take either of these teams.

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Tonight’s BCS championship game between Texas and Alabama was played over a month after both teams played their last games. The players have been so bored, some of them have actually gone to class

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Longhorns quarterback Colt McCoy was injured and out of the BCS Championship early. It was the most desperate time Texans could remember without a real leader since George W. Bush was governor.
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The BCS championship game was played over a month after the regular season ended. “And the problem with that is?” said Bud Selig.

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Of course, the reason for the huge delay until the final game was for hype, and television ratings. Which means someday the World Series could be known as the “Thanksgiving Classic.”

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It now appears Gilbert Arenas’s teammate Javaris Crittenton actually cocked and loaded his gun during their locker room confrontration. But come on, he’s a Wizard. There was no chance he would get off a good shot.

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USC quarterback Aaron Corp, who lost his starting job to Matt Barkley after being injured, announced that he was transferring to the University of Richmond. Corp must really want out. Being at Richmond is likely to be a heckuva pay cut.

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A sting operation caught as many as 58 nine potential illegal immigrants last Sunday in Foxboro. The men were their way to shovel snow off the field at Gillette Stadium before the Patriots game. This could be the biggest immigrant roundup in sports since the Yankees took their team picture.

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According to the New York Post, White House party crashers Tareq and Michaele Salahi are apparently being paid $5000 to headline a party at Caesar’s Palace nightclub. Well, that will discourage them.

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The organizers for the party who are paying gate-crashing Salahi’s a $5000 appearance fee expect to sell several hundred tickets. With an actual attendance figure of about 20,000.

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John McCain has released an anti-Obama commercial to kick off his own re-election campaign. Senator McCain wanted the commercial to look as up-to-date and modern as possible so he insisted it be shot in Technicolor.

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Not so cheap shots…

January 7, 2010

The NBA has suspended Gilbert Arenas indefinitely. Bummer for Wizards fans. This really puts a dent in their hopes of catching the Charlotte Bobcats for fourth place. (In a five team division.)

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David Stern says he has concluded that Arenas “is not currently fit to take the court in an NBA game.” Stay tuned tomorrow, when the commissioner suspends the New Jersey Nets.

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How strong is the new Gilbert Arenas cocktail? You’re out of commission before you take the first shot.

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New York Jets coach Rex Ryan proclaimed that his 9-7 team should be the favorites to win the Super Bowl. “Is he out of his mind?” asked Joe Namath.

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Mike Shanahan was introduced as the new coach of the Washington Redskins. Fans have high hopes for him. Who knows, Shanahan could even last three years out of his five year contract.
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Brit Hume has stated that he thinks Tiger Woods should convert to Christianity. Yeah, that’s worked so well for Mark Sanford, Robert Ensign and Bill Clinton.

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Beginnings and endings.

January 6, 2010

Mike Shanahan appears to be ready to accept the job as coach of the Washington Redskins. For non-sports fans, this is essentially the equivalent of signing on to be the fifth trophy wife of a billionaire. The odds favor the contract being dissolved, but you can profit nicely on the pre-nup.

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The Big Unit, Randy Johnson, retired tonight after 22 seasons. He received a number of phone calls, texts and emails from fellow athletes, including one from Brett Favre. Which simply said “The first time is the hardest.”

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Game time temperature was 48 degrees in Miami for the Orange Bowl. But the Iowa Hawkeyes prevailed, despite the blazing heat. (Note to non-midwesterns, game time temp in Iowa City, minus 1 degrees, wind chill to -12.)

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USC penalized their basketball program themselves after an internal investigation into recruiting violations regarding O.J. Mayo. In related news, the investigation into payments made to former Trojan Reggie Bush continues, and the NCAA hopes to wrap it up before Bush retires from the NFL.

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The FAA suspended all flights in and out of Bakersfield airport Tuesday after “hazardous material” was found in luggage there. Americans were shocked. Bakersfield has an airport?

(note, the hazardous substance turned out to be honey. seriously. the weight loss fanatics are taking over…)

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San Francisco 49ers coach Mike Singletary said in a post-season news conference that his team is “just a few players away.” Unfortunately, those players are Joe Montana, Jerry Rice, and Ronnie Lott.

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In the category of “wish I’d written this,” from Jerry Perisho:
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South Carolina first lady Jenny Sanford’s memoir about dealing with her husband’s affair will be released in February, rather than May as originally planned.… Mark Sanford’s Argentine mistress said, “A typical Sanford, always finishing early.”

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Taking a shot at it…

January 5, 2010

Unclear on the concept award for Gilbert Arenas, who said the guns in the locker room incident was “a joke.” Note to Gilbert, real guns are never a joke. Now the Wizards’ record this year – THAT’S a joke.

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The next home of the NHL Winter Classic – an outdoor hockey game – is rumored to be Citi Field. Presumably the game could even be played in September. That’s when Mets fans are most used to seeing a cold team.

Or they could schedule the outdoor game at Citi Field in October. The Mets won’t be using it.

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A new biography of Warren Beatty puts the actor second only to Wilt Chamberlain in the promiscuity department, claiming Beatty slept with over 12,000 women. But to be fair, they haven’t publicity released all of Tiger’s texts yet.
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Warren Beatty now says that reports of him having slept with 12,774 women are a “gross exaggeration.” Apparently he says the number is 11,000 max.

One issue with this alleged “body count” is simply the time involved. If the number is anywhere near accurate, then the movie Beatty should have made was clearly “Gone in 60 seconds.”
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75 years ago this week United Airlines announced they cut the travel time for U.S. transcontinental flights down to 18 hours. Which, curiously enough, is about as long as it will take once TSA finishes tinkering with security.

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So despite Redskins coach Jim Zorn having signed a five year contract, he was fired today after two years for poor performance. Any chance Americans could work out a deal like that for those elected to Congress?

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After NFL week 17.

January 4, 2010

The Vikings beat the Giants. So their fans can look forward to a bye-week. The Redskins had another late minute loss against the Chargers. Now THEIR fans can look forward to 35 bye-weeks.

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After trailing at halftime 3-0, the San Francisco 49ers scored 21 points in the fourth quarter to beat the St. Louis Rams 28-6. Making them the winner of one of the day’s “Stupor Bowls.”

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With so many playoff berths already decided, several teams decided to rest some starters. Others just decided to mail it in. Which gave folks across the country a little taste of what it’s like to be Rams fans.

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So the latest rumor on the Wizards gun incident: Gilbert Arenas and Javaris Crittenton started arguing on the team plane about a card game, the argument escalated, and then Crittenton jokes that he would shoot Arenas in his often-injured knee. Then when the team showed up for practice Dec 21, Arenas put three guns on a chair next to Crittenton with a note that read, “Pick one.” Which he meant as a joke. But Crittenton got angry, threw one of the guns across the room and said he had his own gun.

This isn’t an NBA season, it’s a remake of “Dumb and Dumber.”
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A tacky but funny joke from Alex Kaseberg:

An 18- year UCLA study reveals 75% of kids see their parents naked and are not traumatized. Unless either of their parents is named Michael Moore, Kirsty Alley or Al Gore.

Alex also does a bit on “Words that should never appear together,” as in “Interpretive Jazz” or “Discount Sushi.”

And in that spirit – “Rams Highlights.”

Redundant phrase of the day- Raiders Interim Coach

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While the Cincinnati Bengals had clinched a playoff spot, and didn’t have much to play for except pride, they still undercut all expectations by losing 37 to 0 to the New York Jets. Normally when the Bengals have been involved in something this embarrassing, the police are involved.

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American Airlines is being investigated for three botched landing incidents, two when the planes touched wingtips to the ground upon landing, the third where the plane ran off the runway and broke apart in Jamaica.

The airline says they are cooperating, and will update their slogan from “Something special in the air” to add “but something less so on the tarmac.”

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Another American slogan is “Doing what we do best.” Apparently that’s just takeoffs.

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Curiously, American is the featured airline in the movie “Up in the Air.” Who knew the title would also turn out to be the safest place for their planes.
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Jean Carroll passed away last weekend at the age of 99. While the name originally didn’t mean much to me, her obituary appeared in Sunday’s New York Times. She was one of the very first female comics, and had to endure a lot of criticism from those who felt it was inappropriate for women to do stand-up. She was also apparently an inspiration to the great Lily Tomlin, amongst others. The following is what the Times considered her best joke.
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“… The thing that attracted me to my husband was his pride. I’ll never forget the first time I saw him, standing up on a hill, his hair blowing in the breeze — and he was too proud to run and get it.”

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The Red Raiders, Spartans, Wizards, and other soaps…

January 3, 2010

Who says soap operas are on the decline. Lately it seems like they’ve just all moved over to ESPN.

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Fired Texas Tech coach Mike Leach may face legal issues regarding his alleged mistreatment of player Adam James. Meanwhile, 14 Michigan State players were suspended from for their involvement in a campus brawl, and 8 of them are facing assault charges. Maybe the Alamo Bowl should have been sponsored by Aladdin Bail Bonds.

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Gilbert Arenas and NBA teammate Javaris Crittenton may have drawn guns on each other in the Washington locker room. As disturbing as that sounds, the guns apparently weren’t loaded. And besides, they play for the Wizards, so it’s not as if they shot they would have hit anything.

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Arenas said of the incident that he used “bad judgment.” But didn’t we already expect that? After all, he chose to sign with the Wizards.

Suppose it’s just coincidence that the team used to be “the Bullets.”

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Wonder how long it will take before someone makes and sells retro Arenas “Washington Bullets” jerseys on Ebay..

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On the brighter side for some Washington sports fans, at least for a little while the Redskins are not the most embarrassing story on the sports page.

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Don’t show your children this post…

January 2, 2010

But, okay, wasn’t Adam Lambert “fired” before appearing on “Dick Clark’s Rocking New Year’s Eve” was that his behavior and/or appearance might be inappropriate for children.

I guess the point was to focus the show on more wholesome acts like Jennifer Lopez?

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Crawling into 2010

January 1, 2010

Which could be the unfortunate slogan of the Cincinnati Bearcats. It’s not that fans in Cincinnati aren’t used to being embarrassed. It’s that usually the Bengals, and the police, are involved.

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It’s now officially 2010. Which could make Brett Favre the first NFL quarterback to retire in three different decades.

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Washington Wizards star Gilbert Arenas has not only been cited for possession of a firearm in the team’s locker room, but also allegedly he “presented” the gun to a teammate during an argument. Okay, now THAT’s stupid, said Plaxico Burress.

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Coaches Bobby Bowden and Joe Paterno both won their New Year’s Day bowl games. Thereby proving the old adage – “Age and treachery shall overcome middle-age and skill.”

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Saying good-bye to 2009

December 31, 2009

So it wasn’t a great year for 49ers or Raiders fans. But who knew both teams would win more game this fall than the New Jersey Nets?

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Stanford’s Tavita Pritchard said before the Sun Bowl he had hopes of being an NFL quarterback. Who knew that unfortunately he meant Rex Grossman?

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A T and T is dropping its sponsorship of Tiger Woods. Actually, when you consider the number of women he was juggling all over the world, Woods should be a pretty good advertisement for great cellphone coverage.

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A new app, “FindmyIphone” locates your phone anywhere in the world. It can make it beep, display a message “Hey, return my phone,” or destroy personal data. Now THERE’s a product for Tiger to sponsor.

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And as an American, I have to hope that our public figures behave more heroically than they did in 2009. But if they don’t as a comedy writer I just hope they continue to lie about it as badly.

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