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Michelle and Barack’s Date Night

June 1, 2009

President Obama has been criticized for taking his wife to New York City for a dinner and Broadway show.  But come on,  Barack didn’t do anything ridiculously extravgant, like taking Michelle to a Yankees game.

 

Randy Johnson will be going for his 300th win when he takes the mound against the Washington Nationals.  Which is an incredible accomplishment.  300 wins.. as of today that’s three more than the Nationals.   (True, on June 1 in their fifth year, Washington only has 297 wins.) 

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Jamie Moyer, 46, just got his 250th win.  So means he too could end up with 300 wins,  maybe if he only pitches until 50.  Which curiously enough is now the speed of his fastball.

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The Octomom has signed a contract for a reality show.    Which might be the first time Nayda Sulelman and reality have been used in the same sentence.

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The Octomom has signed a contract  for a reality show.   But isn’t Nadya Suleman hosting a reality show like George W. Bush hosting “Are you smarter than a fifth grader?”

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Some worry that President Obama’s Supreme Court pick Sonia Sotomayor is such a champion of the underdog, that she will never be able to make a decision in favor of the rich and privileged.   How can they worry?  The woman is a Yankees fan.

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Manny and the Octomom

June 1, 2009

So first there’s “Jon and Kate Plus Eight,”, then there’s the Octomom, now there’s Manny Ramirez.  Remember the good old days when the most hype we had about prescription drugs was Viagra commercials.

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Manny Ramirez is now only about a month away from returning from his suspension for being caught with the fertility drug HCG in his system.  The Dodgers are eagerly awaiting his return, and apparently Joe Torre has personally volunteered to host the baby shower.

 

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In the NCAA baseball regionals,  The University of Texas beat Boston College 3-2 in 25 innings.  Yes, 25 innings.  Fans showed up for a baseball game, and a cricket match broke out.

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When the interminable NBA playoffs are over, the teams in the finals will have played over 100 games.  And the Lakers have shown up for at least ten of them.

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Nadya Suleman will apparently star with her fourteen children in a reality television show to be aired only in Britain.  Which is shocking really, there is a reality show that even Americans find too distasteful?

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Working titles for the show?

Fourteen’s Company?

Eight is not enough?

Unmarried..with Children?

Are you smarter than a Fertility Doctor?

Whatever they call it, perhaps they could borrow a classic television song….as in starting out “She’s  creepy and she’s  kooky…”

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The show’s viewers?  Presumably those who want something less intellectually challenging than “Jon and Kate plus eight.”

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President Obama and Michelle went on a “date night” up to New York.  Former President Bush said it sounded like a nice idea, and former President Clinton said “you can date your wife?”

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Some fans worry that since the Cleveland Cavaliers disappointedly lost in the NBA semi-finals, that Lebron James will want out of town.   Well, the Cavs could always trade him to the Clippers, where at least he won’t have to worry about playoff losses.

 

from Bill Littlejohn

Close to 200 prisoners will cycle around France next month in their own Tour de France.  .For the REAL Tour de France participants–finally someone to set a good example”

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Yet another rider

May 18, 2009

Since Mike Smith has another commitment for June 6, and Calvin Borel will stick with Rachel Alexandra for the Belmont,  Mine that Bird will need another jockey for the third leg of the Triple Crown.

Three riders in five weeks.  They may have to change the horse’s name to Paris Hilton.

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Barack Obama gave the commencement speech at Notre Dame.  There was an embarrassing moment afterwards when some students and faculty said their next goal was to see their team in a BCS bowl game, and the President’s response “No, you can’t.”

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Pittsburgh Steelers  linebacker James Harrison will skip the Super Bowl Champions visit to the White House, again, saying that it’s “not a big deal.”

Well, if he wants to avoid the issue in future, maybe Pittsburgh could just trade him to the Lions.

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Major League Baseball has announced that this year’s World Series games will start earlier, at 757p EST, instead of around 830p.   This still means games are likely to end around 1130pm on the East Coast, but, hey, at least on a school night kids will be able to stay up and watch the National Anthem.

Jon Gruden will join the Monday Night Football crew this year.  For conspiracy theorists, this year there are NO appearances on MNF by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  And the only appearance of the Oakland Raiders is in the late night game of the season opening doubleheader, which the main crew won’t call.

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The fall of Troy? And other Pac 10 problems.

May 14, 2009

The NCAA is looking into allegations that coach Tim Floyd gave $1000.00 to a friend of O.J. Mayo’s to recruit the star player to USC.

If USC ends up on probation or forfeiting victories over this, the incident may be known as “Sinko de Mayo.”

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Sorry, I can’t come up with a better punchline than porn-star Stormy Daniels’ campaign slogan.  Ms. Daniels is running for the Louisiana Senate against David Vitters, the conservative family-values Republican who admitted to being with prostitutes.

Her slogan:  Stormy Daniels: Screwing People Honestly”

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Miss California, Carrie Prejean, now says about the famous gay marriage question,  “I felt as though Satan was trying to tempt me.”   

As opposed to what she was trying to do to men with those topless pictures?

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And Sarah Palin defended Carrie Prejean for staying “true to herself.”  Does that mean Governor Palin is giving her daughters permission to get their own breast implants?

 

Arizona State University honored President Obama as their graduation speaker, but declined to give him an honorary degree.  Apparently at ASU, degrees are for those who earn them, unless baseball or football is involved.

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Bill Clinton chastised Dick Cheney jumping into the spotlight and acting like he was still in office  –   Said the former president “It’s over.”

Does this really need a punchline?

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Somewhere in the middle of the NBA playoff season..

May 12, 2009

The NBA playoff season just might get finished by July this year.  It’s a shame Monty Python never were basketball fans.. could have put a whole new spin on a famous skit.

“Still no sign of the finals,  still no sign of the finals…”

“How long is it?”

“That’s a mighty personal question…”

(If you don’t know Monty Python, this won’t make sense.  Not that they ever made sense.  If you do know Monty Python then let me congratulation the Lakers Sunday on their dead parrot imitation.”

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How long is the NBA season?  Even Joe Biden complains, it goes on forever…

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The UCLA Bruins will shut Pauley Pavilion for the 2011-2 basketball season while they renovate their famous arena.  The Bruins actually may end up playing home games at the Staples Center.

Which is rough news for the Clippers, just when they’d gotten used to the idea of being the Center’s second best team.

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On Mothers’s Day, the Los Angeles Lakers had a chance to really take control in their series against Houston, especially with Yao Ming out.  But they mailed their cards to their mothers, and then they mailed in the game.

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The Cleveland Cavaliers continued their march towards the NBA finals, sweeping the Hawks 4-0.  In fact, they destroyed Atlanta faster than anyone not named Sherman.

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A woman found a copy of a script for the sequel to the movie “Twilight” in a trash can.  I suppose it would be tacky to say that it’s a shame that didnt happen to the original

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Barack Obama invited the UNC basketball team to the White House. Not only were they the national champions,  but in his ESPN pool the Tarheels were the President’s first pick to win it all.  Which is better luck than he had with his Cabinet. 

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Donald Trump soon will decide the fate of Miss California, Carrie Prejean.  It will be a tough decision for the aging magnate with the young surgically enhanced blonde beauty….  Should he fire her or marry her?

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Yankees jokes – is that becoming redundant?

May 9, 2009

You have to wonder, how many people in New York lost money in bank stocks or with Madoff, but had to figure, one solid investment would be their Yankees season tickets.

Especially when they sold their expected playoff tickets.

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New Yorkers faced a tough decision in a poll last week asking who they would prefer to have as governor.  Disgraced former governor Eliot Spitzer, or unpopular current governor David Paterson.  Many complained it was like being asked to chose between the Yankees and the Mets.

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One name that has moved up about 10,000 places on the most popular baby name list – Barack.    One name that has probably moved down about 10,000 places  – Bernie.

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The new Star Trek movie is being billed as “not your father’s Star Trek.”  Which is shocking.  Trekkies fathered children?

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As a political statement, Kenyan women have vowed to abstain from sex with their husbands.  One frustrated man has already filed a lawsuit..  Wonder if his lawyer will be John Edwards?

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Bud Selig says he plans to talk to the Yankees and Mets since he has noticed their unsold seats.    Okay, so the guy notices unsold seats, but didn’t notice anything was going on during the steroid era?

Even by teenager standards, this is selective attention.

But let’s see, want to fill the stands with people… what would do it…I don’t know, maybe sluggers suddenly going on home run binges ?   Wonder how Selig could help that happen?

 

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As the 2009 San Francisco Giants were shut out, AGAIN, this time by the Los Angeles Dodgers, a question comes to mind:

What’s the difference between the Giants and their website?

The website regularly gets some hits.

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From an IGA in Cincinnati, Ohio, from an elderly white man to a woman(my friend)  in front of him in line.

“You know, some said pigs would fly before we had a black president, and guess what?  Swine flew.”

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Manny Ramirez was caught taking women’s fertility drugs.  Some people are never satisfied.  It’s not enough to be one of the top sluggers  in baseball, he wanted to be Octomom.

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President Obama received good reviews for his comic performance at the White House Correspondents’ dinner.  But really, how can you doubt the sense of humor of someone who gave us Joe Biden?

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In Miami, a popular Catholic priest, Alberto Cutié admitted last week that he is in a relationship and in  love with a divorced woman with a 14 year old son.

The Vatican reaction was mixed. half think it’s a major sin, the other half are just glad he’s not in a relationship with the son.

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Coach of the year…

April 21, 2009

Cleveland Cavaliers coach Mike Brown was named NBA coach of the year Monday after leading the team to a division title and a number one seed in the playoffs. 

The award can be attributed to Brown’s hard work, instilling a great team attitude, and oh yeah, having the league MVP, Lebron James, on his roster.

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There have to be moments when President Obama wonders what  “why exactly did I want this stupid job anyway.” 

And then’s there’s days like Monday, where in the midst of a work day, you hear that Tiger Woods is in town,  you ask him to stop by  the house, and he does.

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So the President of the United States is a black man, and after Susan Boyle’s “Britain’s Got Talent” audition the world’s  biggest singing star is a homely white woman.   Seal and Hillary Clinton are not completely thrilled about this.

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The Detroit Lions,  0-16 in the 2008 season, have unveiled a new logo with a  a fiercer looking lion.  IF this works will the Toronto Maple Leafs change their logo to poison ivy?

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The Detroit Lions, 0-16 in the 2008 season, unveiled a new logo for 2009 with a fiercer looking lion.   If this works will the Los Angeles Clippers change their nickname to the Los Angeles Chain Saws?

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Paraguay’s president, Fernando Lugo, has been accused of fathering two out of wedlock children before he took office.  Where does he think he is?  In the NBA?

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Or, who does he think he is?  Travis Henry?

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tacky joke alert below.

President Lugo is accused of fathering both children while he was a Catholic bishop, and both mothers were teenagers at the time of the relationships.  Upon hearing this the Catholic Church said, “Thank God, no altar boys.”

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Or -upon hearing this the Vatican professed shock.  We have priests who sleep with girls?

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Susan Boyle and Randy Johnson

April 20, 2009

Okay, so Boyle and Johnson are an unlikely pairing. But It’s  been a good few days for 40 somethings.  First Susan Boyle, 47, takes the world by storm with her rendition of  “I dreamed a dream” on “Britain’s Got Talent.”  Then Randy Johnson, 45,  nearly throws a one hitter for the San Francisco Giants against his old team, the Arizona Diamondbacks.

Some say that Susan Boyle is homely.   Actually, I think she is a nice, if frumpy looking middle-aged woman who could probably use a little fashion and hair advice. (Like many of us.)  But Randy Johnson on the other hand….

 

Rosie O’Donnell commented about Susan Boyle, while complimenting her performance…”Here is this freaky miss, a fat, ugly girl, like Shrek comes to life… ”      Does this really need a punchline?

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Randy Johnson’s performance was as good as almost any in his career, even when he pitched back in the dead-ball era.

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Arizona Senator John McCain remembers Johnson fondly from his days with the Diamondbacks, and commented after today’s win that it was “great to see the young pitcher doing so well.”

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Now it comes out that the CIA used the water-boarding technique over 250 times on two suspects.  Not only that, but the potential torture techniques also included making the suspects watch “Waterworld” and sending them repeatedly through Disney’s “It’s a Small World Ride.”

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Fran Drescher, formerly  the “Nanny” on television, has announced she is considering running for Hillary Clinton’s old Senate seat.  Let’s see, experience with spoiled whiny babies and children?  Yeah, that’s about as good as any other possible preparation for Congress.

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A recent Rasmussen poll on the subject of  Texas seceding had 75 percent of Lone Star State voters saying they wanted to remain part of the United States.  Most of the other 25 percent reputedly asked “Since when did Texas join the United States?”

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And on the other hand, 75 percent of the rest of United States would happily sing “Happy Trails” to Texas. 

After all, to much of the rest of the U.S. Texas is simply another strange land that happens to have oil.

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Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega ranted about American imperialism last week.  He did say, however, that he did not blame President Obama for the  Bay of Pigs invasion, which happened before Obama was born. 

Does that mean had we elected John McCain he could have been blamed for everything back through the American Revolution?

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Commie pinko joke alert below.

Some Republicans are upset with photos of President Obama being friendly to Venezuelan leader Hugo Chavez.  Yeah, I guess he should stick to relations with more moral leaders of oil-producing countries, like the Saudi royal family?

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Does Bo know his sleeping arrangements?

April 16, 2009

 

Barack Obama said of the new  First Dog Bo, that everyone in the family will take turns walking the puppy.  He also added on the subject of the dog’s sleeping arrangements – “Not in my bed.”   I think I like Barack’s odds on the pledge not to raise taxes better.

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New first dog Bo, while a handsome guy, was neutered before he got to the White House.  And Hillary Clinton said “You can do that?”

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The 0 and 7 Nationals were rained out in Washington Wednesday. Making it one of Major League Baseball’s first fan appreciation days.

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Susan Boyle, a 47 year old woman from Scotland, has become an overnight sensation with her appearance singing on “Britain’s Got Talent.”  She is now the favourite for the show’s top prize of  100,000 pounds”

Miss Boyle says she is unemployed ,unmarried, and lives with her cat.  Married women all over the world are telling her “take the money, stick with the cat.”

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“Britain’s got Talent,” has now gotten a huge rating boost out of Susan Boyle.  Stay tuned for the next and even more surprising new reality show “Britain’s got Teeth.”

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Texas Governor Rick Perry says the state could secede and leave the Union.

Texas actually might want to secede?  Two words – “Let them.”

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Why, if Texas had seceded from the United States, George W Bush might never have become president.

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Idol mistakes.

April 8, 2009

For the second time this season, American Idol ran so long in their live show that they went past their scheduled finish. Thus viewers who recorded the episode missed the best part.

Who’s their technical  consultant?  Joe Biden?

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A major character on Fox’s “House” left the television series to take a position with the Obama administration because he couldn’t do both jobs at the same time.

Shame  Fox’s “24” never thought of offering an acting job to Dick Cheney.

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The show is down to their final seven contestants.  Will be interesting to see if they get down to one before American car companies.

 

A thought while watching Opening Night at A T and T Park, the SF Giants vs. the Milwaukee Brewers:

The television announcers said “If you are looking for the Timberwolves-Warriors NBA  game, it’s on alternate channel …”

The Timberwolves are 23-55, the Warriors are 28-49.

The question is  “Why?”

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Or rather, what they should have said “If you’re looking for the Timberwolves-Warriors game”  maybe it’s time to get a life.

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Some folks say we don’t have enough good news these days.  Well, how about this… The President of the United States just got back from a trip to Europe,  and he didn’t embarrass the country once.

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On the other hand,  President Obama is returning from Europe to face the hard realities of some campaign promises at home.  As in, it’s April.  Where is the puppy?

 

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Bernie Madoff’s Mets season tickets will be auctioned online after his arrest for running a Ponzi scheme.

A Ponzi scheme is when investors pay money with no real chance of return…sort of like buying season tickets for the Mets  for the rights to buy tickets for any potential playoff games.

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Michelle Obama meets the Queen

April 2, 2009

Regarding that now famous picture of Michelle Obama and the Queen of Elizabeth with their arms around each other:

I’ve got to figure the Queen whispered “Why couldn’t one of my boys have met a nice girl like you?”

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Yankees General Partner Hal Steinbrenner said. “Look, there’s no doubt small amounts of our tickets might be overpriced.”

Like most of their players.

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Disgrunted Denver Quarterback Jay Cutler has been traded to Chicago. Wonder how long it will take Bears fans to start missing Rex Grossman?

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Callers trying to reach Hillary Clinton on a conference call were accidentally directed to a sultry woman’s voice offering phone sex. And Bill Clinton said “See, honey, I told you, that used to happen to me all the time.”

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Salaries

April 2, 2009

Does really this need a punchline?

University of Kentucky President Lee Todd’s salary $550,000.

New University of Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari’s salary. $3.96 million a year. For eight years.

John Calipari says he is “excited” to be the new Kentucky coach. Well, they did give him 31.65 million good reasons.

On the other hand, Rick Pitino says he is definitely returning to Louisville and a candidate for the University of Arizona coaching job.

Translation, Arizona hasn’t offered him $31 million.

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Barack Obama is in London but he is still following his Final Four – Chase, Wells Fargo, Bank of America and JP Morgan..

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Singer Elvis Crespo was accused by a fellow passenger of masturbating on a flight from Houston to Miami. In related news, US Air reported record sales of their hermetically sealed blankets.

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Singer Elvis Crespo was accused by a fellow passenger of masturbating on a flight. In his defense, he just said he was following new airline policies that make you take everything into your own hands.

I’m not a 20 something, but… Lady GaGa – who appeared Wednesday on American Idol, is supposed to be one of the new hot stars. Seemed more like Marilyn Monroe meets Star Trek.

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Barack Obama gave the Queen an I Pod. But for royalty, shouldn’t it be a We Pod?

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And President Obama, who sat next to German Chancellor Angela Merkel has already gone a ways towards improving U.S. Germany relations. Three words – No shoulder rub.

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Do we love our pets more than people?

March 31, 2009

Time magazine asked the question this week, do we love our pets more than people?

But to be fair, no matter how much people spend on their pets, they’ve taken a much smaller chunk out of our 401ks and housing values than people.

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It’s hard to believe Spring Training is almost over. Only another month until the Royals are officially eliminated from the playoffs.

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Apparently women are ending up in the hospital after the shots they are getting to enlarge their derrieres have turned out to be toxic. Butt enhancing injections? Really, isn’t a hot fudge sundae easier?

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President Obama is heading on his first official visit to London. The English are thrilled. They are especially looking forward to once again having a President who speaks their language.

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And Michelle Obama will be accompanying her husband. Because, unlike Secretaries of State, Presidents are expected to bring their spouse along for important trips..

In related news, Bill Clinton reiterated that he has no hard feelings over the election results.

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Tiger Woods’ win last weekend was the highest golf television rating since last year’s U.S. Open, which was Woods’s last tournament before his surgery. While Tiger eases back into the PGA tour, the NHL is trying to see if he has time to drop the cup during the Stanley Cup playoffs.

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Say what, Sarah?

March 21, 2009

Governor Sarah Palin criticized President Obama for his “Special Olympics” gaffe last night on the Tonight Show.

Isn’t Sarah Palin criticizing someone for saying something stupid in a television interview like Bill Clinton criticizing John Edwards for doing something stupid with another woman?

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Or AIG criticizing Citigroup for reckless investing practices?

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Or Michael Jackson criticizing Nayda Shulman’s parenting skills?

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Actually, Governor Palin is sticking by what she feels is well-qualified criticism of President Obama. Not only does she have a Downs syndrome child, she can see Russian Special Olympics athletes training from her house.

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And btw, apologies if any of these Special Olympics jokes are offensive. They aren’t meant to be. (And I’m not running for office.)
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After Barack Obama foolishly compared his 129 bowling game to a Special Olympics attempt, some Special Olympics athletes have come forward to challenge the President to a bowling match.

Following in the footsteps of all the Special Olympics athletes who wanted to challenge President Bush to a game of Jeopardy.

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The California Golden Bears, the NCAA’s best three-point shooting team in the regular season, were bounced in the first round by Maryland. The Bears hit only 29 percent of their three-point attempts.

In fact, their shooting percentage was so bad, they’ve been invited to go hunting with Dick Cheney.

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How random are some NCAA pool picks? If you think your brackets are busted now, what if it was required that to get credit for a team’s win, you would have to know the city and state where they are located, and the mascot? (Siena, for example.)

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A serious thought, yes, I do post one or two once in a while The World Baseball Classic is not only not grabbing the country’s attention, it is delaying the start of the Major League Baseball season enough that the World Series may go into November. Not to mention some players are getting injured and it may affect their seasons.

So why not put Spring Training and the regular season back to where they were, have the World Series a little earlier, and then play the WBC afterwards somewhere warm and/or indoors? It’s not as if November is a huge sports month, especially earlier in the month before the college football rivalry games get going. And players will be less worried about being injured for the regular season.

Just a thought.

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Economic stimulus?

March 2, 2009

With all the ideas being floated around. Has President Obama considered invading another country, losing, and then having them rebuild us?.

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In a new reality show, world-famous golf instructor Hank Haney will try to help Charles Barkley with his famously awful golf swing. For a more productive sequel, how about Rick Barry trying to help Shaq with free throws?

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AIG is asking for another bailout from government TARP (Troubled Assets Recovery Program.) Was this really the right name? Isn’t a tarp what police put over a corpse?

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US Air says now they will stop charging for coffee, water, and soft drinks on board their planes. There will, however, be a nomimal charge for cups.

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Defense secretary Robert Gates said Sunday that he thought “probably President Obama is somewhat more analytical than President Bush.”

(Does this really need a punchline? What was his first clue?)

With all due respect, that Portoguese Water Dog the Obama girls are getting might be somewhat more analytical than Bush.

President Bush wasn’t offended by the comment, though he might be when Laura tells him what “analytical” means.

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The Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors is scheduled to issue a proclamation making the first week in March No Cussing Week.

With exemptions, I assume, for Clippers fans and anyone with the Dodgers involved with the Manny Ramirez negotiations..

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To be heard around the water cooler Monday: Say, with Tiger out did you hear who won the match play tournament this weekend? Yeah, me neither.

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Presidential jokes?

February 26, 2009

My very funny friend Alex Kaseberg’s daughter has a book of Presidential jokes throughout history. The number one joke – George W. Bush.

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Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, in his rebuttal to President Obama’s speech, decried the “volcano monitoring” money in the stimulus package. Can we officially declare him the governor least likely to be invited for a vacation by the Hawaiian tourism bureau?

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Jindal was also criticized for his not-very-flattering suit. But to be fair, the Republican National Committee spent all their clothing budget on Sarah Palin.
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Obama’s and Jindal’s speeches did bring hope to the beleaguered clothing industry. Women saw Michelle Obama and wanted to shop to dress like her. And men saw Bobby Jindal and wanted to shop so they wouldn’t be dressing like him

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Actually, Jindal supposedly renamed himself Bobby as a child, after Bobby Brady on the Brady Bunch. His real name is Piyush. Although many Republicans privately rated his performance as P.U.

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With the Wizards firmly ensconced in the NBA’s Eastern Conference basement, and the Nationals’ General Manager Jim Bowden involved in a scouting scandal before the season even starts, at least there’s some good news for Barack Obama. Even with a few more tax problems and mistakes, he won’t have the most embarrassing team in Washington.

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And Michelle Obama has announced the first family will be getting a Portuguese Water Dog in April. So this means Obama has already delivered on one campaign promise.

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With the global recession, and some purses on the European golfing tour already scaled back, Greg Norman thinks that PGA prize money in America should be reduced too. But while the country is talking stimulus packages, how about this solution, part of the top prizes changed to debit cards, that must be spent within the next six months in the U.S.? (Tiger Woods could single handedly jump start the baby clothing and accessories markets.)

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Semi-State of the Union…

February 25, 2009

President Obama’s first speech to Congress was notably different from his predecesor’s in many respects.

For starters, no need for English subtitles.

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Nancy Pelosi appeared to be doing her best to be a role model for tough economic times. Or that would explain an outfit that looked like it came from the sale rack at the dollar store.

(yeah, yeah, I know women are held to a higher standard and that joke is catty. But I’m a Democrat and a woman so I’ll make it anyway.)

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President Obama’s speech lasted 50 minutes. Or as Joe Biden would call it “a few introductory remarks.”

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The Washington Nationals signed 16 year old Esmailyn Gonzalez in 2006. Turns out his name is Carlos Alvarez Daniel Lugo, and he is four years older than they thought.

Well, at least he’s one guy who can truly say he matured in the off-season.

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Random thought. How come the scent of an expensive perfume can fade in a few hours…but the smell of burnt popcorn is forever?

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Monkey business

After a chimpanzee critically injured his owner’s friend and was shot to death last week, the House passed a bill to make it illegal to transport primates across state lines for use as pets. The vote was 323 to 95.

Not that what happened to that poor woman – and chimp – wasn’t awful. But in the midst of an economic meltdown, this is what we get passed with bipartisan agreement?

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Octuplet mom Nayda Shulman claims she is writing a book about childcare.

Isn’t that like Bill Clinton writing a book about fidelity?

Isn’t that like Joe Biden writing a book about brevity?

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Or – Nayda Shulman is writing a book about childcare. Who could possibly consider her a sane role model on the subject? Other than Michael Jackson.

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Losing Super Bowl quarterback, Kurt Warner, 37, wants a raise from the Arizona Cardinals from $4 million last year, to about $14 million this year. In his defense, Warner claims he’s worried about soon having to live on Social Security.

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Decision in California…

February 21, 2009

So who’d a thunk it ?- California would decide on a budget before Manny Ramirez would decide on a team.

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Barack Obama took his first foreign trip to Canada this past week. He said in a speech there that he expected to fix the U.S. economy, bring the troops home from Iraq, and solve global warming. Realistically, however, he said there was nothing he could do about the Maple Leafs.

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It turns out that the home where octuplet mom Nayda Suleman has been living with her mother and other six children might be foreclosed, as the mortgage hasn’t been paid in months.

Well, finally something about this nutty woman most Americans can relate to.

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Now it turns out that newly appointed Illlinois Senator Roland Burris admits he tried to raise money for former Governor Blagojevich, but was unsuccessful. He still says he has nothing to hide. That’s like telling your partner or spouse you didn’t cheat on them during a business trip, after everyone you propositioned turned you down.

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Roland Burris is being pressured to resign, even though he has only been in Washington for a month. That’s not even long enough to learn how to cheat on his taxes.

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Burris also could be charged with perjury over the fundraising issue. It’s a strange situation in Illinois; the state with “Land of Lincoln” on their license plates seems to be sending a never ending supply of politicians to help make them.

Maybe they should change the license plate a bit. Instead of just saying “Land of Lincoln,” Illinois could add on the bottom “Honest Abe doesnt live here any more.”

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No turning blind eyes here…

February 20, 2009

Commissioner Bud Selig said earlier this week that he didn’t want to hear anyone say he turned a “blind eye” to baseball’s steroid problem. So I guess we’ve got the “hear no evil” part down too…

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Further regarding the steroid issue, Selig said he doesn’t understand how people can ask him “how did you not know?” And then he added that he also doesn’t understand how so many people can think that nice young man Michael Phelps has tried marijuana.

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Bill Clinton said in an interview that Obama should be more “hopeful” and “optimistic” And the former president pointed out how his own optimism had paid off: As bad as it looked last summer, Hillary now has a job she is happy with, and she’s usually out of the country.

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Barack Obama got great press coverage from his first foreign trip as president, to Canada. But the Republicans had Sarah Palin watching from her house.

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John McCain’s daughter, Meghan, spoke out today about the Republican party’s need to get modernize their use of techology. And in that spirit her father went out and replaced his typewriter with an electric model.

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American Idol started the voting part of their show this week, reducing twelve contestants down to three. No, wait, that was the Obama team vetting potential cabinet members on taxes.

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This is basically a rewrite of a joke idea from Nick Coombs:

The Washington Nationals paid a $1.4 million signing bonus to Dominican prospect Esmailyn Gonzalez in 2006.

Now it turns out Gonzalez is four years older than he claimed, AND uses a assumed name. Guess we finally learned the answer to the question “Whatever happened to Danny Almonte?

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And major league baseball’s spring training is finally in full gear for 2009. You know what that means… only a few more weeks until stores in Chicago can start selling “Wait until 2010” Cubs t-shirts.

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With Obama in Washington…

February 19, 2009

The only thing harder to find in Illinois than a Cubs World Series ring, might be an honest politician.

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At this point, Roland Burris could be the first U.S. Senator to end up with an asterisk.

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Michael Phelps is having the windows of his home in Baltimore tinted, apparently to keep the parparazzi from peeking in. Not only that, but it will also help with his dilated pupils.

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The latest politician to be caught owing back taxes? Sarah Palin, who will be paying taxes on thousands of dollars she received in per diems. I didn’t even realize she was trying for a job in the Obama administration. –

Ken Griffey, Jr, is returning to the Seattle Mariners. So he can finish out his career in the city where he first went on the disabled list.
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In hopes of getting more stimulus money, many states are sending YouTube videos of disasters to Washington. California is apparently sending videos of the Kings and the Clippers.

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Meg Whitman, former CEO of Ebay, is running for governor of California. This despite the fact that in many recent elections she didn’t even vote. This is like trying to be an Ebay powerseller without having any feedback.

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