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Back on the job

January 23, 2013

The NFL reinstated Saints coach Sean Payton two weeks early from his year-long suspension. Guess Roger Goodell still has hopes of being able to go into restaurants and bars during the next two weeks in New Orleans

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Andrew Luck will play in the Pro Bowl after Tom Brady pulled out due to an “undisclosed injury.” Translation – Brady is sick of settling for the Pro Bowl.

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20 degrees in Washington, D.C. So maybe some conservatives were right when they said America would re-elect President Obama when hell froze over.

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So does Beyonce have her Super Bowl recording ready yet?

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A Southwest Airlines flight aborted a takeoff from Denver when a warning light indicated a fire onboard. The jet stopped so abruptly that three tires blew out. No injuries, but wonder how long it will take to clean the seats..

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The Museum of the City of New York is showcasing one of the finalists of a “micro-apartment” contest- only 325 sq feet. And it’s still probably big enough to misplace your keys somewhere inside.

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Okay, so maybe many people expected the Los Angeles Lakers were over optimistic to think about contending for a title…. but in 2013, who thought they’d be being outplayed by the Wizards?

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You think you’ve flamed someone on FB is a bad mood, how about Anna Burns Welker, wife of Wes: “Proud of my husband and the Pats. By the way, if anyone is bored, please go to Ray Lewis’ Wikipedia page. 6 kids 4 wives. Acquitted for murder. Paid a family off. Yay! What a hall of fame player! A true role model!”

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It’s a wonderful thing that so many people who don’t usually travel were able to attend Barack Obama’s second inauguration. It is not so wonderful if you happen to be with them at the airport.

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CNN beat other cable news networks in covering President Obama’s oath and inaugural address. They drew 3.136 million viewers in all. MSNBC had 2.273 million viewers, and Fox News was last with1.316 million viewers.   But really, 1.316 Fox viewers?  Why?  They could have just waited for their anchors to tell them how bad the speech was.

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President Obama paused as he left the inauguration ceremony and said “I want to take a look one more time. I’m not going to see this again.” Hearing this Bill Clinton nudged Hillary and just smiled.

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From Gary Bachman:   “It’s so cold Lance Armstrong injected himself with soup.”

– and from Alex Kaseberg, in the “truth hurts” dept:  the truth hurts:   The worst part about Lance Armstrong being exposed as a liar, a bully and a cheater? It is admitting the French were right to despise him. Oh, man, how that hurts . . .

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One-point safety?

January 4, 2013

So how long until someone names their band or racehorse “One Point Safety”?

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But really, a one-point safety? And football fans say baseball has bizarre and convoluted rules….

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Congrats to the Oregon Ducks on a convincing Fiesta Bowl win.  But the most shocking thing.  From a distance at least, their uniforms actually looked reasonable.

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Penn State football coach Bill O’Brien has apparently turned down an offer to coach the Cleveland Browns.. Guess he doesn’t want to trade one team that will spend at least the next few years out of the postseason for another.

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This just in, Bill Clinton has asked CNN about co-hosting a show with Kathy Griffin.

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An 18 year old Oregon man (and I use that term loosely) was arrested after two FB friends called police when they saw his late-night post “Drivin drunk … classic 😉 but to whoever’s vehicle i hit i am sorry. :P” ” Looks like we have another frontrunner for a 2013 Darwin award.

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ESPN is talking about the “might-have-beens” for Oregon as if they lost to some lousy team from a weak conference. As opposed to mighty Alabama who lost to Texas A & M. Who only lost to two teams (LSU and Florida) who stunk up their respective bowls.

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Oops. Apparently Giants closer Sergio Romo was arrested at the Las Vegas airport Tuesday when he became “angry and aggressive” after TSA officials said he didn’t have proper identification. Wonder if he was wearing that World Series parade shirt saying “I only look illegal.”

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A picture of Nancy Pelosi today shows her all smiles next to John Boehner after he was re-elected Speaker of the House. Makes sense, his approval ratings make hers look good.

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With issues over Sandy relief and the passage of the “fiscal cliff” bill, infighting amongst Republicans has reached new heights. Who do they think they are? Democrats?

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Bus to hell  time  –  “Some talk about the fiscal cliff deal being President Obama’s   “Lincoln moment.” Uh, not exactly. Although no doubt a lot of Republicans are now hoping Barack takes some time off to go to the theater.”

 

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Two of the University of Florida’s top defensive players are leaving early for the NFL draft. Guess they decided not to return for their senior seasons and the chance to not show up for another BCS bowl?

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You’re the one that I wanted, maybe.. if I could remember.

December 5, 2012

Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta have reunited for a Christmas album and are appearing together to talk about “Grease,” which was 34 years ago. Of course, now the song starts “I’ve got chills, aches, a little fever, and did i tell you about my arthritis….?

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New York City Mayor Bloomberg reportedly suggested to Hillary Clinton that when she steps down as Secretary of State she should consider running for his job, which of course would allow her to stay close to home for a change. And Bill Clinton is thinking “Michael, what did I ever do to you?”

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Penn State is investigating their Chi Omega sorority after they posted an offensive Mexican party photo with members wearing fake mustaches and signs saying things like “Will mow lawn for weed and beer.” Tacky and insensitive for sure, but good to see the university acting fast when it’s something REALLY important

 

Just a thought, if President Obama really wants to get down and dirty with John Boehner over working out a deal, maybe he should propose a major new surcharge on tanning booths.

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While on a hunting trip this year, apparently Robin Yount accidentally hit Cubs manager Dale Sveum with shrapnel from a pellet gun. Gosh, never knew Yount had ambitions to run for vice president.

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Apparently irony is not in this man’s dictionary: Grover Norquist on President Obama – “he thinks somebody made him King,” and doesn’t know ‘where he stands in the universe.”

 

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Rex Ryan says he’s sticking with Mark Sanchez. Frustrated New York fans wonder how long the Jets will be sticking with Rex Ryan

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Kristin Cavallari is now confessing that most of the arguments and relationship on her former reality show “The Hills” were fake. Wow, next thing we know someone will be questioning the integrity of professional wrestling.

 

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Texting is 20 years old. Hard to imagine. This means in 1992 for college students to set up a booty call, they actually had to call.

 

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The Pope now has a Twitter account. Amazing how the Catholic Church is willing to change and adapt in the 21st century when it comes to technology but not with little things like women priests, celibacy, birth control….

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Starbucks announced plans to offer $450 stainless steel gift card.. Wow. That’s enough for at least a dozen lattes.

 

 

Cal just hired Louisiana Tech’s Sonny Dykes as their new football coach. And of course I am sure the Stanford band will treat his his coming from Louisiana, and his name with the utmost respect and decorum next year at halftime..

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No “I” in Team.

December 4, 2012

And for BCS bound Northern Illinois and Wisconsin, no coaches either.

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Northern Illinois coach Dave Doeren got his team to the Orange Bow but left for NC State, now Wisconsin coach Bret Bielema is going to Arkansas, probably before the Rose Bowl. And Notre Dame’s Brian Kelly left Cincinnati before their Sugar Bowl. Can’t understand why some players don’t understand how it’s all about the team.

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Open note to now-former Wisconsin football coach Bret Bielema, who has taken the job at Arkansas: In the SEC you can’t count on getting into a BCS bowl because two other teams in your conference are on probation.

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A Wisconsin judge, Tim Boyle, ordered a father of 9 who is over $100,000 behind on child support payments not to have any more children until he can support them. Can we put this judge on the Supreme Court? Or at least make him commissioner of the NBA?

 

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New York City Mayor Bloomberg reportedly suggested to Hillary Clinton that when she steps down as Secretary of State she should consider running for his job, which of course would allow her to stay close to home for a change. And Bill Clinton is thinking “Michael, what did I ever do to you?”

 

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RG3 was in a courtside seat tonight at the Heat-Wizards game. Final score, Miami 100-Washington 105?!! Is there nothing that man can’t do?

Adds Nick Coombs,  “Third straight win for the Wizards against the Heat… can’t wait for David Stern to fine the Heat for this one.”

 

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And we thought this presidential election had enough fun with Mitt’s dog on the roof and Biden’s gaffes. Now comes the story that Fox’s Roger Ailes was pushing General Petraeus to enter the race….

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President Obama is considering naming Vogue editor Anna Wintour, allegedly profiled in “The Devil Wears Prada,” as ambassador to the U.K. What, he figures Mitt Romney didn’t manage to offend the English enough this summer during the Olympics….?

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Ad from British Airways for their “One World” alliance “Over the last two years we flew more than 25 million passengers across the Atlantic Ocean.” Presumably at least 10 million of them with their luggage.

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A thought from my friend Michael McNabb on a headline about Kate Middleton’s pregnancy – “Royal Baby To Be Last Person On Earth To See Mother’s Breasts.”

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Groaner alert:

There are reports that the New Orleans Hornets could be renamed the “Pelicans” by next season. To paraphrase an old verse, “A wonderful team are the Pelicans. But make the playoffs? We don’t know how in the hell-we-can.”

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Two more months…

September 7, 2012

Until the election.  And television viewers in non-swing states can go back not to seeing political commercials.   Those in Ohio, Florida, Virginia, North Carolina…..etc,  will be longing for used car and fast food ads.  If they aren’t already.

The conventions are over.  Which means real fans of  hot air have to go back to the Weather Channel.

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To combine phrases from Joe Biden and Barack Obama, these days a sentence for Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan is “a noun, a verb, and a tax cut.”

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Bill Clinton was magic Thursday night.    On the other hand,  he reminds many women of a charismatic but narcissistic ex-boyfriend.  You see him again after years and you remember why he was so dazzling.  But if he were to stick around full-time you’d probably remember why you got tired of his act.

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While it was a great speech, Bill Clinton did forget to thank Barack Obama for his favorite first-term accomplishment – having Hillary on the road for 351 days already as of July, 2012.

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After John Kerry mentioned her in a speech, Sarah Palin said she was surprised he knew her name. Interesting comment from a politician whose PR machine rivals the Kardashians.

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Bobby Valentine said in an interview that his first season in Boston has been “miserable.” Not half as miserable as for Red Sox fans who’ve paid money to watch it.

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Details, details… A new GOP ad has a frustrated former Obama supporter saying how disappointed she is. Only issue, the woman actually works for the RNC. (A big deal? Maybe, maybe not, but can you imagine if a Dem ad used a staffer who claimed she used to be pro-Romney?)

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After a report saying that 40-60% of Oregon football players smoked pot, the University is implementing random drug testing of all athletes. Got to love it, suspensions from the team start with the THIRD offense.

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A new toll road near Austin, Texas, will have a speed limit of 85 mph. Wonder how fast people can text while driving it.

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Mitt Romney said he wasn’t going to watch President Obama’s speech. Makes a certain amount of sense, he already had his rebuttal ready.

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A serious thought  – “We don’t believe government can solve all our problems, but we don’t believe government is the source of all our problems.” Nicely said, Mr. President.

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From Marc Ragovin:  Art Modell has died. For those too young to know who he was, he was the white, Jewish, Lebron James.

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Love and marriage

May 4, 2012

Bill Clinton said that Hillary didn’t even tell him about the U.S. mission to kill Osama bin Laden. Who a thunk it? There are secrets in that marriage.

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Chris Harrison, the host of TV’s “Bachelor/Bachelorette” has split from his wife of 19 years. Wow, if anyone is an expert on the grass not being greener…

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Chris Bosh was  uncertain for the Heat’s game 3 against the Knicks as his wife gave birth to a son early Thursday morning. Shocking. An NBA player had a baby with his WIFE?

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Michele Bachmann endorsed Mitt Romney on Thursday. Guess Michele’s trying to prove that even though she didn’t get the nomination, she’s still capable of making those tough decisions

Mariano Rivera has sustained a knee injury and could be out for the season. From all accounts he’s a nice guy. Still, “What bad luck, I’d hate to see that keep them out of the playoffs,” said no one who isn’t a Yankees fan.

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Snooki has called the “tanorexic” mother crazy for putting her five year old daughter in a tanning booth. Let’s hope this doesn’t turn out to be the carrot calling the pumpkin orange.

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A shareholder discovered that new Yahoo CEO Scott Thompson lied about having a bachelor’s degree in computer science. Wonder if he found the information on Google.

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The number of people seeking unemployment benefits fell last week by the most in nearly a year, which economists say is a hopeful sign that hiring could pick up in coming months. Think it’s time for another look at Obama’s birth certificate.

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Jeremy Lin said about his knee that “It doesn’t look good for game 4.”    Neither do the Knicks.

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Levi Johnston, Bristol Palin’s baby daddy, is now expecting an (unplanned) daughter with his current girlfriend. He says they plan to name her “”Breeze Beretta.” — Beretta “like the gun.” To quote Church Lady “Well, isn’t that special.”

(My friend Michael M. adds “One more of those and Levi could get a job in the NBA.”)

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Notre Dame QB Tommy Rees, 19, is in jail following his arrest for resisting police, felony battery to law enforcement, and public intoxication following a confrontation with police during a party last night. Insert “Fighting Irish” joke here:

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Not so Secret Service?

April 19, 2012

All these folks accusing the Secret Service of Clinton-like behavior…. Get real, Bill never needed to pay for it.

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Is the Secret Service scandal embarrassing? Heck yes. But as noted on their website “Secret Service special agents spend their first 6 to 8 years on the job assigned to a field office. After their field experience, agents usually are transferred to a protective detail where they will stay for 3 to 5 years.” Means Obama admin. didn’t hire these dudes. It’s not a political issue, it’s a stupidity issue…

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And for those who say, “Who cares what these guys do after hours?” Well, leaving aside blackmail possibilities, remember, or Google, the “Profumo affair.”

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For that rare trivia overlap between baseball and hockey. how about the Senators-Rangers series? Because the 1961 Washington Senators actually are now the Texas Rangers. (You could look it up.)

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Mitt Romney said today he would “strengthen fellow Americans because I believe very fundamentally remaining a shining city on a hill.” So that’s Nixon and Reagan in one sentence, how did he leave out “Thousand points of light” and “Is our children learning?”

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John Edwards, infamous for his $400 haircuts, may not be as wealthy as he used to be. According to the New York Post, Edwards is now going to Supercuts for $12.95 trims. What a shame, said absolutely no one.

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For the 100th anniversary of Fenway Park on Friday the Yankees will wear uniforms modeled after their 1912 uniforms as the New York Highlanders. Curiously enough, 1912 might also have been the last year the Yankees’ payroll was under $100 million.

(t’s a shame that the Red Sox aren’t playing the Rockies. Moyer probably can still fit into his 1912 uniform.)

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Ah, who’s to stay the NCAA doesn’t crack down on the premier programs. They just announced the Toledo men’s basketball team will be banned from next year’s postseason because of past academic problems. The Toledo Rockets were last in the NCAA tournament in 1980.

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Now that Rick Santorum is out of the Presidential race, guess we won’t hear him pronounce that having men in the Secret Service obviously leads to “compromising situations?

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Mitt Romney said he’d “clean house” in the Secret Service and suggested a “lack of leadership” led to the scandal. But Mitt also said he has confidence in Secret Service Director Mark Sullivan. Can’t imagine how Romney gets the reputation for wanting to have it both ways.

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A group is suing ABC’s “The Bachelor” and “The Bachelorette,” saying that in 10 years the programs have never had a person of color as the featured person looking for love on air. Hmm. Discrimination? Or just another example helping to shatter the myth of white intellectual superiority.
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From Bill Littlejohn: “An article appeared in Ben Maller’s blog entitled ‘How The One Percent Dines at Sporting Events’. Included–they pool their money for a hot dog at Yankee Stadium”

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We’re number one, and done.

April 3, 2012

Which was a bigger joke in tonight’s NCAA mens’s finals? Pretending anyone can actually see the basketball court from the upper seats at the Super Dome? Or pretending all these “one and done”s on Kentucky are really student-athletes?

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What’s wrong with college basketball? For starters, a team of mostly freshmen won the National Championship for Kentucky. And they won’t even be enrolled at the school long enough to watch them hang the banner.

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Anyone on a diet and need a good appetite suppressant? I give you Ann Romney’s response when asked if her husband is too stiff – “We better unzip him and let the real Mitt Romney out.”

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President Obama at halftime talking about his daughters playing basketball. Apparently 10 year old Sasha is especially good. Let’s see, smart girl, genes for height and athleticism (uncle Craig Robinson played at Princeton.)…. wonder how long until Tara pays a recruiting call to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave?

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The European plane maker, Airbus is apparently studying the idea of building new planes with narrower window and middle seats, and wider aisle seats. These would be for larger passengers and those who just want more space. Standby for the “aisle” surcharge.

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Ryan Leaf, arrested for the second time in two days for allegedly stealing prescription pain pills. Waiting for Rush Limbaugh to weigh in on this one.

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Bill Clinton said he would be supportive if Hillary ran for President in 2016. Is anyone surprised? It would entail a lot of time on the road away from home…

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Matt Cain just signed a 6 year, $127 million contract. And the Yankees responded with the same sigh that a very wealthy man makes when the dealer tells them someone already bought the very expensive sports car they were eyeing.

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Some parents in an upscale Brooklyn, NY neighborhood want to ban ice cream trucks from a park because their children become so upset when they are told they can’t have a treat. (http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/slopers_creamy_river_lcaxb1lj4D0SHqo4f2K3GO) And no, apparently this was not an April Fool’s joke…sigh.

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As we edge close to another opening day, a comment from Bill Littlejohn on the Texas Rangers’ 2-foot-long, 3,000-calorie hot dog: “It’s called The Kevorkian.”

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Ubaldo Jimenez was suspended for hitting his former teammate Troy Tulowitzki in the left elbow with a pitch. While it looked pretty blatant, in Jiminez’s defense he hasn’t thrown many pitches where he’s wanted to all spring. (Of course another possibility is that he wanted to hit Tulowitzki in the head.)

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Random access.

January 27, 2012

During tonight’s debate, Newt Gingrich gushed over Callista, that she was artistic and “played the French horn.” Was he saying she’s musical, or was that a euphemism for her talents that convinced him to make her his third wife?

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Not voting for Ron Paul. But kudos to him for the best debate line of the night: “I don’t think we should go to the moon; I think we should send some politicians up there.”

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Well it WAS a good story. Yale QB Patrick Witt said he decided not to interview for a Rhodes scholarship in order to prepare for the Harvard-Yale game. Except that the NY Times reports the Rhodes Trust had already suspended Witt’s candidacy because it learned that a female student had accused the QB of sexual assault in Sept….. (Sounds like Patrick has a future in politics.)

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These debates are getting old. Here’s an idea, since both Romney and Gingrich have each switched several positions and remade their own histories, let’s do two solo acts – i.e. give them both a chance to debate themselves.

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Not trying to be appear like a California wine snob but…. was thrown for a loop by Liberty Creek wines at Walgreen’s, on sale for $4.99 for 1.5 litres today. Not so much the first two varietals (Cabernet Sauvignon and Chardonnay) but the third -“Sweet Red.”

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After the SF 49ers were eliminated, Michael Crabtree, who was basically AWOL in the playoffs, suggested that Alex Smith didn’t give him enough chances – “All I do is run routes When you don’t get that many opportunities, it’s hard to talk.” Wow. Sounds like Crabtree really does want to be the next Terrell Owens.

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President Obama is downplaying his public tiff with Arizona’s governor Jan Brewer and said she may have been seeking out attention. Ya think? Even Sarah Palin is probably privately referring to Brewer as a “media whore.”

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Hillary Clinton said again that she is stepping down as Secretary of State after Obama’s first term. Bill Clinton immediately asked the President to consider him for an foreign ambassadorship.

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The Museum of London is currently displaying a newly found coin, believed to be a “brothel token” in circulation in London during the 1st century AD. Wonder if it was lost on vacation by a young Larry King?

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Some conservative pundits are cheering Jan Brewer’s waving her finger at President Obama. Wonder what they would have said if a Democratic governor had done that to President George W. Bush?

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Pat Sajak says he and Vanna White used to take margarita breaks in the early days of “Wheel of Fortune.” Which is surprising. I’ve always thought they gave the margaritas to the contestants to get them to jump up and down and shriek like they do.

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Newt Gingrich is ragging on Mitt Romney today as a guy “who has Swiss bank accounts, Cayman Island accounts, owns shares of Goldman Sachs….” Harsh words from a man with a $500,000 credit account at Tiffany’s.

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Josh Garnett, #15 on the Sporting News high school prospect list (guard or tackle) was quoted last year – ““To land my commitment, the school is going to need to have a great school legacy of football, great players and coaches … and a great bioengineering program.” Today he chose Stanford.

(In the SEC, coaches are saying, “Hey, some of our players can spell bioengineering.”)

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Taco Bell is rolling out a new breakfast menu. But haven’t most people in their younger years already done Taco Bell for breakfast? Usually about 230a.
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It could be worse.

August 31, 2011

When the SF Giants lost a number of close games on a recent road trip, some fans said, “Cheer up, it could be worse. And the team is coming home to play the Astros and Cubs, two of the worst teams in baseball.”

They were right. It could be worse. And it is worse.

When the Arizona Diamondbacks were in a slump, manager Kirk Gibson cancelled batting practice. Maybe the SF Giants should try the same thing. Not like the batting practice is helping anyway.

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How bad are things going for the SF Giants this month? Their fans are getting sympathy cards postmarked from Wrigley Field.

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Scary statistic for SF Giants fans. Carlos Beltran since the trade has 4 RBIs total. Shortstop Brandon Crawford, now back in the minors, did that his first day in the majors with a grand slam.

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An SF Giants employee was charged with embezzling $1.5 million from team payroll accounts. Apparently the team frowns on taking money without earning it. Unless you signed a free agent contract.

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These days opposing pitchers worry about facing the Giants the way the Lions worried about facing Christians.

The NCAA has punished current University of Miami football players implicated in the benefits scandal. They were all ordered to repay the improper benefits, but four were cleared to play, and four others must just sit out the first game against Maryland. No word on on what kind of ruler the NCAA used to slap the players’ wrists.
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Jeremy Shockey apparently saved one of his new Carolina Panthers teammates from choking today. Shame he couldn’t have saved the Saints last year from choking in the playoffs against the Seahawks.

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Bill Littlejohn’s take on the same story: “Jeremy Shocky helped save a teammate that was choking on a piece of meat by dislodging it from his throat. Bruce Bochy immediately sent for him to perform the same maneuver on Giants’ bats”
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Despite being bashed by Dick Cheney in his memoirs, John McCain took the high road and “From time to time, we have had differences, as is typical for anyone in public life. I wish the Vice President well and that he remains in good health.” (Rumor has it McCain then quietly added “It’s amazing that modern medicine allows for people to live now without either a heart or a brain.”)

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With Texas A & M apparently on the way out of the Big 12, the conference will be looking for new members. If they want a team whose talent level would fit in well, may I suggest the SF 49ers?

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Organizers for a tea party rally in Iowa Tuesday blamed an
“internal miscommunication over the event’s schedule” resulting in their rescinding a speaking slot Tuesday for former GOP Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell. The organizers also blamed random chance for two of them discovering they had been turned into toads.

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Now that the rape charges against him have been dropped, Dominique Strauss-Kahn, who always maintained he was simply a scumbag, not a rapist, is considering a run for the Presidency of France. And some are not ruling him out. Meanwhile, the French may be getting a dual citizenship request, from Bill Clinton.

Tim Pawlenty apparently quit the GOP Presidential race after the Iowa straw poll because his campaign was already heavily in debt. Over six months before the primaries even started. And T-Paw was running as someone who could fix the U.S economy and balance the budget…..

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Floored.

January 15, 2011

For all those who said Nike founder Phil Knight couldn’t have wasted money on anything that looked sillier than the Oregon Ducks’ BCS championship uniforms (with day-glo shoes and socks),  I give you…. the new Oregon basketball floor.

And those are trees on the wood, not water stains.

Just think, had Knight only been an SEC or USC grad he wouldn’t have to come up with all these ways to spend money on athletics-  he could have given the case directly to the players.  (or their fathers.)

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So much for the lifelong glory of that Hall of Fame football career. Actual headline today in the SF Examiner – “Former ‘Dancing with the Stars’ ‘star’ Lawrence Taylor – probation in rape case.

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The Octomom said today in an interview on Oprah that she was addicted to having children. Another shocking revelation in a week that brought us Nicole Kidman’s admission of having used Botox.

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Maine Republican Governor Paul LePage is skipping an event on MLK day and told the NAACP chapter when they complained that they can “kiss my butt.” Interesting choice of words for a man who is also opposed to gay rights.

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Rich Rodriguez, the recently fired Wolverines football coach, said he donated over 400 maize-and-blue items he amassed during his three years in Ann Arbor to the Salvation Army. The University of Michigan, equally committed to avoid waste, donated all their Rich Rodriguez items to a local composting operation.

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While soliciting bids for a plate at a charity auction, Andre Agassi, who is married to Steffi Graff, said if the bidding reached $4000, he would show the winner a naked picture of his wife on his cell phone. Bill Clinton is planning a similar idea- unless the bidding goes well, he will show the winner a naked picture of HIS wife.

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According to Manny Ramirez’s agent, at least five MLB teams have shown interest in signing the temperamental slugger. “I’ll take ‘gluttons for punishment’ for $600, Alex.”

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Tim Pawlenty says he’s either going to “run for president or open a margarita bar.” Moderate Republicans around the country are setting up a fund to get Sarah Palin a nice little leased storefront in Wasilla with plenty of tequila.

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One wedding…and a potential funeral.

July 31, 2010

The wedding, of course, was Chelsea Clinton’s. The potential funeral, Levi Johnston’s, now that Mama Grizzly has heard embarassing stories leak about TWO ex-girlfriends he apparently got back together with between engagements to Bristol.

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Chelsea Clinton’s wedding was beautiful and touching. Not only did Hillary do the typical mother-of-the-bride crying, apparently Bill cried too. Right during the part where the minister said “If anyone knows of a reason why the couple should not wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

He was crying that no one spoke up when he married Hillary.

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One of Tiger Woods’ alleged mistresses, porn star Joslyn James, referred to another of the golfer’s alleged mistresses as “an embarrassment.” We knew Tiger was at least at one time the greatest golfer in the world, but he may have pulled off a more difficult feat – making Bill Clinton look like he had classy taste in women.

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Hillary Clinton wore an Oscar de la Renta gown at Chelsea’s wedding. Apparently no designer mother-of-the-bride pantsuits were available.

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For everyone tired of all the hype regarding Chelsea Clinton’s wedding, there may be some silver lining in the Levi Johnston paternity story. We’re a lot less likely to go through this all again with Bristol Palin.

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Actually, the rumors are that the on-again, off-again Palin-Johnston engagement is off, again. Even Brett Favre is saying “Kids, make up your minds.”

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Before the trade deadline the Yankees picked up Kerry Wood. Who pronounced himself thrilled to be heading to the Bronx, and ready to be injured for the post-season.

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The Seattle Mariners set a franchise record by losing 22 games in July. (Even with the All-Star break.) The only team with a worse record this month… BP’s PR department.

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No wonder there are worries about consumer spending and the recovery: The New York Yankees added only $4.8 million to their payroll at the trade deadline.

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From Bill Littlejohn : On Friday night against the Cubs, the Rockies set a record with 11 straight hits.They broke the record held by Michael Phelps on his bong”

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No crime or misdemeanor?

July 30, 2010

The Portland Police decided not to file charges against Al Gore in the alleged 2006 sexual assault case. They cited deficiencies in the masseuse’s story, lack of forensic evidence, and the near impossibility of getting a 12 person jury to imagine Gore as a “crazed sex poodle.”

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Tom Brady says he would like to pay another 10 years, until he’s 43. “Quitting so young? scoffed Brett Favre.

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With Tim Tebow’s new deal with Jockey as an underwear model, maybe we’ll finally get an answer to that age old question.. .WWJW? As in “What would Jesus wear?” (Boxers or briefs?)

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Where is Saturday Night Live when you need them? As in the ESPN spoof I want to see… Alex Rodriguez is still stuck on 599 home runs, and Generalissmo Francisco Franco is still dead.

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After 10 plastic surgery operations, Heidi Montag has filed for divorce from Spencer Pratt. Her alleged reason? He doesn’t appreciate “the real me.”

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Washington manager Jim Riggleman says he will employ a “closer by committee” strategy after the team traded Matt Capps for prospects. This is a relatively new concept for the Nationals — having games to close.

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A snarky but funny comments from Gary Morton regarding my post about the Bristol Palin-Levi Johnston saga, where Levi’s ex-girlfriend may be pregnant with his child, but she doesn’t know which of three guys it is…. “What, she couldn’t read the names on the back of their jerseys (as they sprinted from her trailer)?

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Sarah Palin criticized President Obama for going on “The View.” I guess she feels like he should spend his time on more important things, like taking his family camping with Kate Gosselin.

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Bill Clinton today, in talking about Chelsea’s wedding and her potential dress, said he doesn’t remember what Hillary wore during their wedding. Makes sense, he hasn’t remembered his vows either.
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On “The View,” President Obama admitted he didn’t know who “Snooki” was. That’s okay, on “Jersey Shore” Snooki admitted she didn’t know who President Obama was.

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Two men were arrested at Citi Field during the Mets-Diamondbacks game after they jumped onto the field carrying Mexican flags to protest of Arizona’s immigration law. Fans were actually rather supportive of their efforts. In fact, a majority felt that we should leave Mexican workers alone, and just deport the Mets.

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Friday ramblings…

April 30, 2010

Former President Clinton said that Chelsea asked him to do one thing for her regarding her summer wedding – which was to lose 15 pounds. Presumably her second choice request “Please don’t hit on my bridesmaids.”

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Eminem rips Pittsburgh’s wayward quarterback in his new song with the line “Get as rowdy as Roethlisberger in a bathroom stall.” Okay, how low do you have to go to be morally chastised by a rapper?

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The San Francisco Giants were the least-hated team in baseball according to a Nielsen survey. Makes sense, they haven’t beaten anyone’s else’s favorite team in a World Series.

The Yankees, surprisingly, were not the most hated team. Which simply means the survey probably was mostly taken in New York. (With the exception of Queens)

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From Bill Littlejohn, who noted that famously hobbling Olympic gold medal-winning gymnast Kerri Strug was married this week, “Bela Karolyi didn’t carry her down the aisle, did he?”

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Popular governor Charlie Crist has left the Republican party and is running for Senate as an independent. Well, it’s 10 years late, but finally some amusing news for the Democratic party out of Florida.

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United and Continental announced they will merge. The goal, to manage to annoy more passengers than any other airline in the world.
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And we think Californians are too PC. Over in England, a British academic, Dr. Brett Mills, is now calling for an end to all wildlife documentaries, because they “capture animals’ most intimate secrets on camera without their consent” and fail to consider their “right to privacy.” No, I am not making this up.

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As of today, U.S. airlines can no longer keep you on the tarmac in a plane for more than three hours. They can, however, cancel the flight after 2 hours and 59 minutes and leave you stuck in the airport overnight.

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How bad is the oil spill getting off the Gulf Coast? Rumor has it Sarah Palin just washed “Drill Baby Drill” off her hand.

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Rielle Hunter said on the Oprah show that people “view her negatively” because they think she wrecked John and Elizabeth Edwards’ marriage. Not exactly, many people view her negatively because she just seems like a publicity-seeking skank.

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NFL and other follies.

September 29, 2009

A good thing for Tony Romo finally had a decent game, at this point Cowboys fans were about to blame him for distracting Jessica Simpson.

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Jets coach Rex Ryan benched wide receiver David Clowney for week three after his twitter gripes about playing time after week two. Said Ryan “If I feel a guy is not putting the team first,” Ryan said, “I’ll make that decision to put the guy down.” I think we can safely knock the Jets off the list for the next stop on T.O.s NFL tour.

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The Detroit Lions finally won a game on Sunday, so the 1976-77 Tampa Bay Bucs’ 26 game record losing streak remains the longest in NFL history. The 1972 Miami Dolphins always crack open a bottle of champagne when some team who has threatened their record loses. So what did the Bucs do – twist open a wine cooler?

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Former President Clinton says there is still a right wing conspiracy and it is still virulent. Former President George W. Bush is still trying to figure out what virulent means.

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President Obama has decided to head to Copenhagen for a few hours to lobby for bringing the 2016 Olympics to Chicago. And while some may criticize him, who better understands over-hyped, over-expensive and overly-media oriented productions than a man who’s been dealing with Congress?

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Apparently President Clinton offered to go in Obama’s stead. At least until he heard that the IOC was almost exclusively male and all over 70.

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finally from my twisted friend Melodi –

The 40-something-year old victim of 76-year-old Roman Polanski pleas for mercy toward Polanski because he wouldn’t do it again… Didn’t she mean couldn’t?
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Marriage and other games.

September 25, 2009

Former President Clinton says he has changed his mind, and now supports gay marriage. Of course, Bill has a history of changing his mind on marriage – starting with that “forsaking all others” stuff.

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The Chicago Cubs, favored to contend for the NL title, have long been out of the playoff hunt But really, what’s the difference between the 2009 Cubs and the 2008 team that won 97 games? About a week.

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The punchless San Francisco Giants, however, were shut out by the Cubs 3-0 on Friday night, in a game that took only 1 hour and 56 minutes. The game summary, “Nasty, brutal, but mercifully short.”

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Actually, the Giants hitting this year is often of mythical proportions. Mythical as in few people have ever really seen it.

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The Nationals, now officially losers of 100 games, have announced they will lower ticket prices in 2010. This might be a first in Washington. Incompetent results, and the public will end up paying less because of it.

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Tears for Lebron: On an episode of the Jay Leno Show, Leno asked Lebron James the last time he cried at a movie. Lebron answered with a plug for his new movie. A more honest answer might have been “Game tapes from the 2007 NBA Finals.”

(the San Antonio Spurs swept the the Cleveland Cavaliers in 4 games.)

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Liars and losers…

September 20, 2009

The Joe Wilson episode was shocking, the first time a member of Congress has yelled “You lie” at a sitting president. (Hillary doesn’t count, she wasn’t elected then.)
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Apparently President Obama wants New York Governor David Paterson not even to compete in the 2010 gubernatorial 2010 election because he is facing almost certain defeat. Paterson’s alleged response “Well, that hasn’t stopped the Mets.”

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This is tacky, but what the heck…

San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom and his wife Jennifer named their newborn daughter Montana, after the ranch Jennifer’s family owns in the state. Good thing that property wasn’t over the state line. It could be a little awkward campaigning in Oakland with a daughter named “Idaho.”

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Apparently during the recent Los Angeles area wildfire, a large number of marijuana plantations went up in smoke. Which may explain the record month’s sales at 7-11 and Krispy Kreme.

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Over 20,000 people showed up to see the 67-82 Padres take on the 56-90 Pirates. Which means there really isn’t much to do in Pittsburgh on a Saturday afternoon.

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Brett Favre and other babies….

September 5, 2009

In a Walmart earlier this week, a man was accused of slapping a crying whining child. I didn’t even know Michael Crabtree shopped at Walmart.

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The Duggars family are expecting their 19th child next March. All 18 of their children have names starting with J. For the next one, may I suggest “Just-say-no.”?

Or as the very funny Alex Kaseberg suggests “Jeez-are-you-kidding?”

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Apparently all the Duggars love to watch “Jon and Kate plus Eight.” Their children are fascinated by small families.

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Brett Favre won’t play in the pre-season final game for the Vikings against the Cowboys. Which gives him time to film his latest commercial – a solo version of the Miller Lite classic “Tastes great, less filling.”

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Whatever else happens this weekend, the Vikings need to keep Favre away from the over 500 store “Mall of America.” If he goes in to look for a present for someone, he could be gone for days.

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Who says size matters? Pedro Martinez and Tim Lincecum allowed only 3 runs in 15 innings between them Thursday night. And the two of them together weigh less than Shaquille ONeal.

(heck, the two of them together might weigh less than C.C. Sabathia.)

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Although, not to take anything away from the Hall of Fame career of Pedro Martinez, but surely any great pitching performance this year against the Giants’ lineup REALLY deserves an asterisk.

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And this is tacky, but….
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Monica Lewinski turned 36 this summer. Which means she is a little more than half way to sixty nine, which is exactly what happened with her and Bill.

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If reality shows weren’t surreal enought…

August 18, 2009

Now former House Majority Leader Tom Delay, is apparently going to compete in “Dancing with the Stars.”. This follows his role in that campaign finance scandal -“Dancing with the Truth.”

What’s next? Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich in “Let’s Make a Deal?”

And Robert Ensign, John Edwards and Mark Sanford in “Temptation Island.”

In the meantime Larry Craig is considering signing on for “Queer Eye for the 100-percent-absolutely-how-could-you-think-otherwise Straight Guy.”

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Hurricane Bill is forming in the Atlantic. No word on what category Bill will become, but the storm seems likely to upstage previous Hurricane Hilarys.

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Another thought on Hurricane Bill. Whatever happens, the storm is also likely to flame out over South Carolina.
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A couple for Canadian readers.

The Montreal Alouettes and their quarterback look unbeatable these days. Other CFL teams are wondering if there is a way to stop Anthony Cavillo, well, other than having him date Jessica Simpson..

Forget the fact that Y.E. Yang upset Tiger Woods at the PGA on Sunday. How about the more important fact that Korea is now tied with Canada for winning golf majors.

(Mike Weir, Masters 2003)

New Orleans kicker Garrett Hartley was suspended for taking Adderall, a prescription drug he reportedly didn’t realize was on the NFL banned substance list. In his place the Saints signed 45 year old John Carney. Let’s hope another substance on that list isn’t Ensure.

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Bill Clinton rescues the journalists….

August 4, 2009

North Korea has pardoned the two U.S. journalists. Proving once again, there is no one better than Bill Clinton if the objective is going after two women.

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Secretary of State Hillary Clinton may have been involved in the decision to send her husband to North Korea. Can you imagine that conversation. “So let me get this straight, you want me to go over there and see if I can pick up two girls?”

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A recent survey in China shows that that prostitutes are more trusted than government officials. Should anyone be surprised, at least prostitutes provide value for money when they screw the public.

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The Packers will not rule out interest in Michael Vick. Makes sense, in Green Bay the bar has been raised on embarrassing quarterbacks.

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Paula Abdul announced she won’t return to American Idol. Apparently since both Kara Dioguardi and Ryan Seacrest have signed, Paula has decided she can no longer take being the third prettiest on the show.

Paula Abdul announced her decision in a Tweet. Give Paula credit for figuring out Twitter. It takes some work to be rambling and incoherent in only 140 characters.

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The San Francisco Giants have a 37-16 home record but are only 22-32 in away games. Which means they look great at home, but are a real mess on the road. The team may not make the playoffs, but they have an offer to throw out a first pitch from Governor Sanford.

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