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Miracles and beyond…

October 14, 2010

At least one of the formerly trapped miners in Chile apparently had a wife AND mistress waiting for him upon his return. In related news, Gloria Allred is on a plane to Santiago.

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More than half the Chilean miners have now been rescued. This is the biggest miracle of the year, or at least since the Detroit Lions won a game on Sunday.

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Gilbert Arenas was fined Wednesday for faking being injured to avoid playing in the Washington pre-season opener. Wonder how long it will take other members of the Wizards to be fined for faking being an NBA team?

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Brett Favre said he would consider sitting out a game because of tendinitis in his elbow. Hmm, knew you could get tennis elbow -is this the first known case of “texting elbow?”

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One more in the never-ending story where a Jerry Brown staffer called Meg Whitman a “whore” for her behavior with the police officers’ union. A member of the Sex Workers Union stated, “No way is this allegation true, we whores have better hair.”

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A quote from Nietzsche that may resonate with frustrated Democrats this November : “At times one remains faithful to a cause only because its opponents do not cease to be insipid.”

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You cannot make this stuff up dept: New York gubernatioral candidate Carl Paladino has made some nasty gay slurs. But apparently back in Buffalo he collected rent from gay clubs, had a son who RAN such a club, and was seen more than once in lesbian bars…  What’s next, a “wide stance?”

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back to baseball:

Cliff Lee, traded from Seattle in July, Roy Halladay, traded from Toronto last December, C.C. Sabathia, signed as a free agent from Milwaukee in December 2008… The SF Giants have the only “home-grown” game one starter left this year in baseball. (And in fact, ALL four playoff starters came up with the Giants. We won’t talk about Zito.)

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From Marc Ragovin, about the Rangers-Rays series.  “Ya know, for a minute there watching Cliff Lee pitch to Carl Crawford in the ALDS I thought I was watching a Yankees 2011 preseason intrasquad game.”

(This would be funnier if it weren’t likely true.)

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Asked to name a recent Supreme Court decision she disagreed with, Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell stumbled and finally couldn’t think of one. In her defense, she said while running for office she really hasn’t had time to watch tennis matches.

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Giants baseball – okay, what’s BEYOND torture?

October 12, 2010

In the NLCS, fans may be about to find out.  (This is of course supposed to be fun. )

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SF’s  hitting hero, if you can have a hitting hero in a series where you score 11 runs, and win 3 of 4 games, is Cody Ross. Who hit a critical home run and an RBI single.

Ross was actually picked up in August, , not because the Giants wanted his bat, but simply to keep the San Diego Padres from getting him off waivers.

Proving something that women sports fans may understand more than men. .. sometimes spite is its own reward.

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And only for fans of Marathon Man will this make sense – “Giants baseball, is it safe? 

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On a brighter note, the Giants may soon become the official team of the American Dental Association.

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For Giants fans, it was a thrilling NLDS, for Braves fans… let’s just say the town hasn’t seen such a weak defense since a guy named Sherman showed up….

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Note to Atlanta fans, if you can’t fill your own stadium when the Braves are facing a playoff elimination game, and when your Hall of Fame manager might be managing his last game, you don’t deserve to see your team go on to the NCLS. (and yes, there were several thousand empty seats, by official count about 6,000, but maybe more.)

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But with Cox retiring, in a perfect world, can he take the Tomahawk Chop with him?

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Anyone looking for a team to root for, or rather root against, during the playoffs?  Here’s some numbers.  The payroll numbers for three of the teams left in the postseason- the SF Giants, the Texas Rangers and the Tampa Bay Rays, TOGETHER are barely over the the $206,000,000 million plus paid out by the NY Yankees.

2010 Numbers for the teams that are left, for what it’s worth:

New York Yankees:  $206 million

Philadelphia Phillies: $142 million

SF Giants: $97 million

Tampa Bay Rays: $71 million

Texas Rangers: $55 million.

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Meanwhile,  the Boston Red Sox $162 million, and the Chicago Cubs, $146 million.  Thereby assuring that the $150 million Meg Whitman is spending for her run to be California governor just might not be the biggest waste of money this year.

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From Gary Morton:  Disappointed that the Atlanta paper didn’t lead with a “Conrad delivers Braves to the heart of darkness” type of headline.  (Yes, okay, this may not make sense to non-English majors.)

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Google is testing a driverless car. But will it be able to text, feed you, and do your makeup?

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Brett Favre reportedly apologized to his Vikings teammates for the sexting allegations against him. Favre said he didn’t want to be a “distraction” to the team, at least until the offseason when he goes through the whole retirement decision again.

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But speaking of potentially insanely stupid texts.  Jed York, owner of the 0-5 San Francisco 49ers, texted to ESPN “We’re going to win the division.” With all due respect, he’s going to need to do more than “dabble” in witchcraft to make that happen.

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It could be worse…

October 10, 2010

Okay, as a Giants fan I am still mad about Friday night.

But how must it feel to be a Minnesota Twins fan?   12 playoff losses in a row.   This team now folds faster than the winners at an Origami competition.

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Suppose there’s a silver lining for Vikings fans.  Whatever happens with Favre Sunday, he’s unlikely to be the biggest embarrassment in town this week.

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Meanwhile at Candlestick Park, Michael Vick is unlikely to play for the Eagles against the 49ers due to his rib injury.

Many people think this is just as well, as Vick’s dogfighting past would be likely to get him a particularly nasty reception . San Francisco fans wouldn’t even support one of their own team if he were convicted of such crimes.  Well, unless the player did something amazing afterwards – like lead the 49ers to a win.

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Apparently the University of Tennessee has renamed classroom 317 in the Communications building after former Volunteers QB Peyton Manning. 

317 presumably being chosen because it’s the number of commercials Manning has made.

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Meanwhile at Southern Mississippi, the University is thinking of renaming a classroom after alum Brett Favre.  Presumably in their archaeology department.

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At Stanford, the Cardinal knocked off USC 37-35 with a last second field goal,. The Trojans had taken the lead with a touchdown with 1:08 left , instead of running down the clock.  Which means tonight, amongst other things, SC stands for Stupid Clock management. 

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New t-shirt at Stanford – USC – University of Sanctioned Cheaters. 

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So it’s hard to know for sure from the tape whether it really was Jerry Brown or his aide who really referred to Meg Whitman as a “whore.” 

A tacky conversation to be sure. But realistically, is there anyone who has followed Brown’s career who is shocked by the idea that the once and potential future governor would swear in private?

In the meantime, Whitman’s latest commercial has her sayings some people say California can’t be governed, and “I say baloney.”

For that matter, does anyone believe that Meg would actually use the word “baloney?”

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Meanwhile, with rumors swirling about her interest in running for President in 2012, Politico.com reported Sarah Palin told a small group of Republicans at a private dinner in Florida that “critics also said Ronald Reagan couldn’t win in 1980.”

If this is going to be her line, wonder how long it will take some Republican to respond “I knew Ronald Reagan, Ronald Reagan was a friend of mine, Sarah, you’re no Ronald Reagan.”

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Magic number zero.

October 4, 2010

This is a crappy picture, so maybe it’s only worth 500 words… but.

(taken at A T and T Park about two minutes after the Giants clinched the Western Division.)

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An interesting question for San Francisco Bay Area sports fans… who is crazier? Giants closer Brian Wilson or Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh?

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The Pittsburgh Pirates are apparently about to fire manager John Russell after another losing season. But is this really fair? It’s hard to compete with a team where the average player makes less per year than Reggie Bush did at USC.

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And then there’s Seattle, where the Mariners lost 101 games. According to reader Gary Morton, “They’re so bad, they’ve already been mathematically eliminated from next year’s race.”

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In fact while SF fans justifiably have learned to love the phrase “Giants baseball – torture,” Mariners fans have had to take it to a whole new level. Last week they even managed to lose on a walk-off strikeout.

Not a misprint. With a runner on first and two outs in the bottom of the ninth in a tie game against the Texas Rangers, reliever Dan Corts struck out pinch-hitter Nelson Cruz. But the ball got past the catcher, Guillermo Quoriz, and his attempted throw to get Cruz at first base went into right field, enabling the runner on first to come all the way around to score the winning run.

Now THAT’S torture.

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Even if Michael Vick is ready to play again next Sunday after today’s injury, Kevin Kolb may have played well enough to reclaim the Eagles’ starting QB job. What can Vick say? He knows it’s a dog-eat-dog world.

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A Wells Fargo Bank executive acknowledged that he simply relied on co-workers and assumed that information in foreclosure documents was correct. So he hecked only the dates on up to 150 foreclosure documents he signed every day.

Yeah, why shouldn’t he trust fellow bank employees? It’s not like they’ve made any other lending mistakes over the years…. Oops, never mind.

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Do not adjust your sets – The last undefeated team in the NFL is indeed the Kansas City Chiefs. (Whose next win will equal their 2009 total of 4.)

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Lindsay Lohan has entered rehab, again. Not saying she’s not living in the real world but rumor has it Lindsay if she would be cured in time to go to a USC bowl game.
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Giants baseball…

October 2, 2010

A violation of the Geneva Convention? But really, who said it was going to be easy in San Francisco? And now all that Giants fans have to do is relax tomorrow afternoon and watch Barry Zito.

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(And open note to bandwagon fans, when the Giants give out “rally rags,” like they did tonight to all 42,000 plus in the stadium, the rags should be waived when the GIANTS are hitting. Not the other guys.)

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On the other hand, you know it’s been a rough season for baseball fans in Los Angeles when there’s more September-October drama in the courtroom for the McCourt’s divorce than on the field at Dodger Stadium

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A massive and unseasonal storm has flooded parts of the East Coast. Normally the biggest thing underwater there this time of year is the Mets’ playoff chances.

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Meanwhile, Bud Selig proudly announced that this year, there will be ONE World Series game that will start early, at 655p Eastern, instead of 830p, for the benefit of children who might want to watch the game. And let’s see, with the number of commercial breaks, a near 7pm start might actually get the game finished by 11pm.

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The South Carolina Senate race already has a Green candidate and two write-in candidates, after controversial novice Alvin Greene won the Democratic primary. Now celebrity chef and cookbook author Nathalie Dupree has entered the race, also as a write-in candidate. Her slogan? Maybe “Getting out of the kitchen, but I can stand the heat.”

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The latest from Delaware’s Christine O’Donnell, about her “dabbling” as a youth.

“I would have become a Hare Krishna, but I didn’t want to become a vegetarian. And that is honestly the reason why, because I’m Italian and I love meatballs.”

Does this mean if they had good Gardenburgers back then that O’Donnell would now be the first Tea Party Hare Krishna candidate?

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News Corp, the parent company of Fox News, just gave $1 million to the U.S Chamber of Commerce, a pro-GOP business lobby that is trying to help the Republicans retake control of Congress. Golly. This could lead to people thinking Fox News might be biased.

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Nevada Senate candidate Sharron Angle now has another Tea Party competitor, Scott Ashijian, who is running as a write-in candidate. Said one of Angle’s angry supporters, Scott Ashjian is an egomaniac whack-job.” Guess they’re worried about splitting that all important “whack-job” vote.

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EPCOT Center in Disney World has announced they are celebrating their 28th anniversary. Either that or 28 was their daily attendance. Not sure.

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San Francisco 49ers strong safety Michael Lewis didn’t apparently show up for practice today. Should we be surprised? Most of the 49ers’ defense hasn’t shown up on Sundays all year

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Singer-songwriter Bruno Mars has been arrested on felony cocaine-possession charges in Las Vegas. His alleged words to the police officers “That’s the last time I borrow gum from Paris Hilton.”

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A nice one from Bill Littlejohn:

At a Great Sports Legends Dinner on Monday, former President Bill Clinton said that he’s ‘dreamed
of getting a lesson from Annika Sorenstam’. He said he’d also like her to teach him some golf.

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Does anyone want to win the West?

September 18, 2010

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With Andres Torres out, Edgar Renteria has temporarily won the job of Giants leadoff hitter. And he says he will do whatever necessary to reach base. Guess that means he has a call in for acting tips from Derek Jeter.

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San Diego 4, St. Louis 14. The Padres are sinking faster than Lebron James’ popularity.

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On the other hand, the Giants were just shut out again tonight, 3-0, this time by Randy Wolf of the Milwaukee Brewers, in his best outing of the year.

Guess what, when enough pitchers have their best game of the year against a team…there’s a good chance a lot of the credit might be due to the men swinging the bats against them.

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But it could be worse: Long-time former Los Angeles Dodgers owner Peter O’Malley stated publicly today that Frank McCourt should give up the team, saying the “current ownership had lost all credibility with the city.” Is he kidding, current ownership has lost all credibility with the entire country.
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There are differing opinions on Derek Jeter’s performance when he acted like he was in pain after he DIDN’T get hit with a pitch, and was awarded first base. But the Yankees shortstop has been offered a coaching position with the USA soccer team

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Former President Clinton apparently has forgiven Jerry Brown for his joking reference to Monica Lewinsky, and will campaign for Brown in California. When asked if he considered not supporting Jerry over the comment, wonder if Bill responded “Close but no cigar?”

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Josh Hamilton, who has had substance abuse issues, says he will deal with the champagne celebration when the Texas Rangers clinch the division, by having “goggles on, duct tape over the mouth and either a wetsuit or raincoat,” so he doesn’t even get bubbly on his skin. Of course, a more long-range solution to this worry, get traded to the Cubs.

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On a visit to England, the Pope professed to be shocked by stories of child abuse by priests. Well, he might be the last one in the Catholic church who is.

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Shocking news, apparently Lindsay Lohan has failed a court-ordered drug and alcohol screening test. Guess she shouldn’t be sharing gum with Paris Hilton.

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After being released from jail August 2, it was announced Friday that Lindsay Lohan has failed a court-ordered drug test. So congratulations to all those who had 46 days in their office pool.

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One part of campaigning in California is interviewing with newspaper editorial boards. But on Friday, Meg Whitman became the first major California candidate in memory to say she will not meet with the San Francisco Chronicle. Suppose it makes some sense, she’s not really seeking the vote of anyone who reads.

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from Bill Littlejohn:
Following orders from the Melbourne archbishop, Australian churches have banned sports songs from funerals. Apparently, someone was caught playing Queen’s ‘Another One Bites The Dust’

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A not so keen grasp of the obvious?

August 20, 2010

Researchers have found that the disease that killed Lou Gehrig may not have been “Lou Gehrig’s Disease.” Responded former President George W. Bush – “See, I KNEW it was a hard question.”

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My son, Carey Schwartz, heard this line on this morning’s ESPN Sportscenter “by the way, all 3 of Jason Heyward’s walk-off hits this season have come at home.”

Really?

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Roger Clemens was indicted today on perjury charges for lying to Congress. When will they ever learn? You just cannot get away with lying on Capitol Hill – unless you’ve gotten there by being elected.

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Clemens’ lawyer has said that the fact that his client voluntarily testified before Congress without being subpoenaed is proof that he is innocent. Not necessarily, it could also be proof that Roger is stupid.

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One thing for sure, it doesn’t look like Roger is any “Rocket” scientist.

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The SF Giants’ Aaron Rowand, batting .246, got a very warm reception when he finally played in the third game of the series against the Phillies in Philadelphia. Partly because Philadelphia fans remember him fondly, but probably even more because the Phillies weren’t stupid enough to pay $12 million a year to keep him.

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Open note to these players like Adrian Peterson or Albert Haynesworth who seem to have trouble with their teams regarding showing up or being in shape for training camp: There’s a simple solution – just say you might be retiring, then show up when you please and get nothing but gratitude.

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An American Airlines flight from San Francisco to JFK was delayed by a “verbal threat.” Either that or it was all a misunderstanding. The bomb on board the caller may have been referring to was the in-flight movie “The Last Airbender.”

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Bedbugs have now apparently bitten people in two New York City movie theaters. And all over the city men are telling their significant others “Honey, you know I’d love to see ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ with you, but I just don’t want you to be hurt”

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Besides disorderly conduct and creating a nuisance, apparently prosecutors are going to charge Jersey Shore’s star “Snooki” with being “criminally annoying.” If they can get a conviction on that last one, think we can indict Brett Favre and Lebron James next?

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President Obama really missed his chance with this whole religion thing. A simple statement would have been “Of course I’ve been praying to God regularly for years. I’m a Bears fan. Remember Rex Grossman?”

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Marc Ragovin, on the fact that Prosecutors were only 1 for 24 in their chargers against Rod Blagojevich. That’s about as good as Mets hitters with men in scoring position.
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Another one bites the dust…

August 17, 2010

Latest sports oxymoron – Dodgers closer.

(A Los Angeles friend of mine says he has gotten so fed up he wants to see the team go for the record of the most different players to blow a save in one year.)

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The World Anti-Doping Agency chief John Fahey was quoted as saying that Major League Baseball is “misleading” the public by not instituting a “transparent and rigorous drug testing program.”

Fahey added that “the integrity of the game will eventually be called into question.” With all due respect, where has he been for the last five years?

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At this point, isn’t questioning the integrity of Major League Baseball under Bud Selig like questioning Tiger Woods’ ability to be a role model?

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Protesters in Washington urged Bud Selig to move the All-Star game from Arizona in 2011 due to the immigration bill, but Selig said he doesn’t want to get involved in a “political issue.” “Political issue?” – Heck, as the steroids saga and the As attempted move to San Jose have shown, Bud doesn’t want to get involved with ANY issue

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Glen Coffee, 23, abruptly retired from the 49ers saying he no longer wanted to play football, and there are rumors he wants to go into the ministry. I don’t know, what better way to get people praying on Sunday than to play for a team with Alex Smith at quarterback?

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Or for 49ers fans, a different version.

If Coffee really wants people to pray on Sunday he should wait and see if he can hook up with whatever team finally gets desperate enough to take a chance on JaMarcus Russell.

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Debi Thomas, the 1986 World Champion and 1988 Olympic bronze medalist is now a surgeon but has plans to skate again professionally. She and other former stars are coming out of retirement for a December show “A Salute to the Golden Age of American Skating Dec. 11.” The show’s working subtitle? “You punks get off our ice.”.

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So after getting himself arrested for an altercation with his father-in-law, K-Rod will now need season-ending surgery for an torn finger ligament he apparently sustained during that fight. Good thing the Mets don’t have any important games left to close.

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Prop 8 backers in California filed papers today arguing that “gay marriages would harm the state’s interest in promoting responsible procreation through heterosexual marriage.” I guess these people never heard of “Octomom?”

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“Eat, Pray, Love” took in over $23 million this weekend at the box office. With an announced audience that included 28 percent men. Shouldn’t that be 28 men, period?

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Dog days…

August 3, 2010

August begins baseball’s “dog days of summer” – when exhaustion is creeping in for most players, but the pennant races are heating up. Which means fans of contending teams can face agonizing games with high hopes and crushing disappointments.

And in Chicago, the unofficial motto now is “August at Wrigley Field – one of the most stress-free experiences in baseball.”
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Ozzie Guillen is making waves, again, by saying that baseball should provide translators for Latino players like they routinely do for Asian players.

But why stop there? Heck, with translators most Americans could have actually understood George W. Bush. And politicians running in the general elections could find one translator for conservative groups and one for liberals. That way they wouldn’t have to come up with two different speeches.

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The Pac 10 is going to change their name to the Pac 12, so as new commissioner Larry Scott says, the conference can be “mathematically correct.” The commish’s next task, explaining to USC players what “mathematically correct” means.

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Quarterback Jeremiah Masoli was expelled from his first high school, and kicked off the University of Oregon team for repeated run-ins with the law, most recently driving on a suspended license and possessing marijuana. He just transferred to Mississippi, which was rated #5 on the top ten list of party schools. What could possibly go wrong?

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Mitch Miller died today at the age of 99. His last wish was to be buried in a round, rubber coffin, so mourners could “follow the bouncing ball.”

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California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman has suddenly started changing her positions on a several issues, from immigration, to climate change, to state furloughs. She said the timing has nothing to do with the fact she is now running a general election campaign, but that because she didn’t vote or pay attention until recently, it took her until now to learn how to act like a politician.

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A survey said cat owners are 40 percent less likely than the public at large to die of heart attacks. But the same benefit is not found from owning a dog.

This could be for one of two reasons – first, that cats are just inherently soothing creatures. Second, that cat owners know that if if the backup plan is counting on a cat for heroism, you had better stay healthy.

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just asking…….

An increasing number of conservatives want to update the 14th amendment to deny “birthright citizenship,” because they feel that the constitution should adapt to the modern immigration problem. In that case can we also look at the modern murder problem, and consider updating the 2nd amendment while we’re at it?

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One wedding…and a potential funeral.

July 31, 2010

The wedding, of course, was Chelsea Clinton’s. The potential funeral, Levi Johnston’s, now that Mama Grizzly has heard embarassing stories leak about TWO ex-girlfriends he apparently got back together with between engagements to Bristol.

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Chelsea Clinton’s wedding was beautiful and touching. Not only did Hillary do the typical mother-of-the-bride crying, apparently Bill cried too. Right during the part where the minister said “If anyone knows of a reason why the couple should not wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.”

He was crying that no one spoke up when he married Hillary.

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One of Tiger Woods’ alleged mistresses, porn star Joslyn James, referred to another of the golfer’s alleged mistresses as “an embarrassment.” We knew Tiger was at least at one time the greatest golfer in the world, but he may have pulled off a more difficult feat – making Bill Clinton look like he had classy taste in women.

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Hillary Clinton wore an Oscar de la Renta gown at Chelsea’s wedding. Apparently no designer mother-of-the-bride pantsuits were available.

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For everyone tired of all the hype regarding Chelsea Clinton’s wedding, there may be some silver lining in the Levi Johnston paternity story. We’re a lot less likely to go through this all again with Bristol Palin.

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Actually, the rumors are that the on-again, off-again Palin-Johnston engagement is off, again. Even Brett Favre is saying “Kids, make up your minds.”

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Before the trade deadline the Yankees picked up Kerry Wood. Who pronounced himself thrilled to be heading to the Bronx, and ready to be injured for the post-season.

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The Seattle Mariners set a franchise record by losing 22 games in July. (Even with the All-Star break.) The only team with a worse record this month… BP’s PR department.

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No wonder there are worries about consumer spending and the recovery: The New York Yankees added only $4.8 million to their payroll at the trade deadline.

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From Bill Littlejohn : On Friday night against the Cubs, the Rockies set a record with 11 straight hits.They broke the record held by Michael Phelps on his bong”

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Color me fined?

July 29, 2010

Brian Wilson, the SF Giants All-Star Closer, was fined $1000 for wearing the orange shoes he wore during the All-Star game during the regular season. Apparently the shoes were “too flashy,” and “distracting.”

Let’s hope the MLB fashion police never show up at A T and T Park on Friday night. (When the team ALL has been wearing bright orange jerseys.)

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Actually Wilson violated one of baseball’s cardinal rules. The only time a player is allowed to wear anything colorful and or ridiculous is if that part of the uniform is fully licensed by MLB for sales to the public. (Anyone remember those Fourth of July caps, for starters?)
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Scary thought, Lindsay Lohan has now done more jail time than any Goldman Sachs executive.

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Bad month for the latest former USC star named O.J. First the school strips him from the basketball record books, now today he was cut from Team USA. Guess O.J. just couldn’t convince coaches to hold the Mayo.

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The SF Giants won on a 10th inning walkoff hit, have won 17 of their last 21 games, and Buster Posey is on a 21 game hitting streak (one short of the team rookie record set by Willie McCovey.) Meanwhile, the lead story at ESPN, A-Rod remains stuck on 599 home runs.

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ESPN decided to pull an unflattering profile of Lebron James shortly after it was published on their website today. Apparently the story didn’t come close to making Lebron look as bad as “the Decision.”

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Anyone want to lay odds on what marriage of egos will collapse first? James, Bosh and Wade with the Heat? Or T.O and Ochicinco with the Bengals? Even Larry King has commented that it’s going to be tough for those relationships to last.

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From Bill Littlejohn: “Florida’s Chris Coughlan is on the disabled list after injuring himself while throwing a pie in the face of teammate Wes Helms during a celebration.Looks like the Marlins have gone from fire sales to Soupy Sales”

The Governor of New Jersey has slammed “Jersey Shore” as a negative for the state. Can’t wait to see what he says this season about the Nets.

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The news from London, BP is firing their CEO Tony Heyward and sending him to work on a joint venture in Russia. And President Medvedev responded “Wait a minute, what about our mutual non-aggression policy?”

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Republicans are worried about the release of former President George W. Bush’s memoirs, titled “Decision Points,” right around the November elections. Democrats just hope that for their party the memoirs turn out to be a thousand points of delight.

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Republicans claim that the new Democratic National Committee strategy of trying to tie the GOP to the Tea Party is “political quackery.” Well, if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck…

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Vegas, the Cubs and other fantasies

July 25, 2010

Latest trend in Las Vegas, all-day “All You Can Eat” buffet passes. Thereby helping ensure, “what happens in Vegas stays on your hips.”

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Cher is headlining again in Las Vegas. I don’t want to say her face looks a little tight, but even Nancy Pelosi commented, “that woman has had too much work done.”

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Another thought on Cher? Not to say she has had a lot of plastic surgery. But it may have taken more work to get her to look like she does not, than to turn her daughter Chastity into a dude..

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Latest trend in Las Vegas – 24 hour “All You Can Eat” buffet passes. Thereby helping ensure “What happens in Vegas, stays on your hips.”

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Saturday night in Las Vegas was a Justin Bieber concert. You have to figure that for any adult man at the show not with his daughter(s), bouncers should have run them through a sex offenders registry.

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The opening line in 2010, meaning “betting odds” on the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series was 5 to 1, it’s now at 40 to 1. Who knows what it will be in 2011? For Cubs fans, it’s become sort of the betting equivalent of putting money with Bernie Madoff.

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After Lane Kiffin hired away a Titans assistant without the standard courtesy call to the team first, Tennessee coach Jeff Fisher said he was “very disappointed in the lack of professionalism on behalf of Lane.” Which means until now Fisher might have been the only person in America who thought Kiffin had ANY professionalism.

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Alex Rodriguez, an admitted steroids user, is closing in on this 600th home run. And in Paris, the Tour de France crowned another champion amidst clouds of suspicion that darken every year. It’s enough to make sports fans for the purity and honesty of pro-wrestling.

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After Friday’s SF Giants win, Henry Schulman of the SF Chronice wrote: “Manager Bruce Bochy gave Buster Posey a night off Friday and guess what? Planets did not collide, animals did not start talking in tongues, and the Giants did not lose.

But to be fair, they were playing the Arizona Diamondbacks.

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Colorado pitcher, Ubaldo Jiminez, who started off the year with a 0.78 ERA in April and May, has a 5.67 ERA in June and July. This might be the fastest anyone’s stock has fallen since Lehmann Brothers.
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Major League Baseball has announced the first testing for HGH – Human Growth Hormone. But the tests will apply only to minor league teams. “Aren’t we suffering enough?”, responded the Baltimore Orioles.

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Giants-Dodgers, and other episodes of the Twilight Zone.

July 21, 2010

Part of Major League Baseball Rule 8.06 “A manager or coach is considered to have concluded his visit to the mound when he leaves the 18-foot circle surrounding the pitcher’s rubber.” Never heard that rule before? Neither had acting Dodgers manager Don Mattingly.

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(for anyone who didnt see tonight’s Giants-Dodger game. A manager is allowed only one visit to a pitcher per inning, the second visit means you must remove your pitcher… Mattingly, who was managing only because Joe Torre and the bench coach had been ejected, came out to speak to his closer with the bases loaded, left the mound, remembered something, and went back briefly. Giants manager Bruce Bochy saw it, told the umpires, and they had no choice but to make him change pitchers. The new pitcher had very little time to warm up, and gave up the game winning hit.)

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And yes, I know, a couple readers have to be thinking… the infield fly rule is bad enough.)

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The Dodgers have lost six in a row and this divorce between Frank and Jamie McCourt is really getting ugly. Each of them are demanding the other take custody of the team.

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Most amazing thing about the weirdest Giants-Dodgers game in recent memory Tuesday night? Manny Ramirez wasn’t even involved.

(The Dodgers placed Manny on the 15 day disabled list today. To be fair, he’s got to be getting close to his third trimester.)

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USC is returning their copy of Reggie Bush’s Heisman trophy to the Heisman trust. I don’t see why…it was certainly bought and paid for.

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You cannot make this stuff up. An convicted felon was stopped by the CHP on a Bay Area highway Sunday and was arrested after he allegedly got into a gun battle with officers using some of his large arsenal.

The man is now telling police he wanted to kill ACLU and Tides foundation employees to start an anti-government revolution. But he wants a public defender.

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Brett Favre’s agent gave an interview to Men’s Journal magazine where he angrily referred to his client as a “drama queen.” Really? What was his first clue?

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Some say Sarah Palin has no business comparing herself to Shakespeare since she has probably never read Shakespeare. But I hear Sarah has become quite fond of this quote from Twelfth Night. “Many a good hanging prevents a bad marriage.”

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Sarah Palin is now comparing herself to Shakespeare. When asked if she writes in iambic pentameter, Palin responded ‘Of course not, I’m a true American, I write in English.”

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According to a “representative” for Bristol Palin, her upcoming wedding and marriage will not become a reality show.” So for now Bristol’s “focus remains on doing what is best for Tripp and her family.” Translation, she hasn’t gotten a good enough offer.
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last word from Bill Littlejohn:

After almost a week, there seems to be no significant leaks and it looks like it might hold. But enough about Lindsay Lohan’s sobriety”

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Midseason form…

July 20, 2010

University of Pittsburgh defensive end Jabaal Sheard has been suspended indefinitely. after he was accused of throwing another man through the glass door of an art gallery. Sheard may not play for the Panthers again, but with that kind of arm and attitude some teams may want him as an NFL quarterback.

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Although besides being suspended from the team, it seems pretty likely Jabaal flunked art appreciation.

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Forever 21, the discount fashion chain beloved by teenagers, is now coming out with a maternity line. I think I see another endorsement opportunity ahead for Bristol Palin.

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According to a London tabloid, the New York Yankees are thinking of bidding on a top soccer team, the Tottenham Hotspur of the English Premier League. I guess it’s not enough for their ownership to be hated on only one continent.

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One sign that we are well into Major League Baseball’s midseason? The All-Star game. The second sign? Kerry Wood is back on the disabled list.
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The Texas Rangers beat the Detroit Tigers in 14 innings, in a game that ended around midnight. Almost five hours. The only thing that’s lasted longer this year for the Rangers is Bengie Molina’s baserunning during last week’s triple.

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Atlanta Braves reliever Jonny Venters was suspended four games for intentionally throwing at Prince Fielder on Saturday. Two games for hitting him, two more games for being stupid enough to throw at the guy most likely to crush you if he stormed the mound.

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Good news, bad news for the SF Giants about Madison Bumgarner. The good news, the rookie pitcher can flat out hit. The bad news, he hits better than the team’s $12 million a year centerfielder. (Aaron Rowand)

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Another day, another nail-biting save for the Giants. Have to wonder, at AA meetings in the San Francisco Area, besides “relationships,” “job stress,” how many people say the reason they drink is “Brian Wilson?.” (Even the SF Chronicle noted in their post game interview with Bruce Bochy that the manager was clutching “a comforting beverage.”)

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At the age of 106 and after living here 40 years, Ignacia Moya today finally became a U.S. Citizen. Her biggest regret – not having been able to vote for that “nice young man,” John McCain.

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Sarah Palin actually seems to be quite fond of her new word “refudiate,” because she has used it repeatedly. Maybe since she’s trying to court the anti-intellectual vote it’s part of her “strategery?”

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From Jerry Perisho The phrase you’re most likely to hear at Chelsea’s wedding: “That’s not an ice sculpture; that’s the mother of the bride.”

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Marc Ragovin again “Whats the big deal about the Yankees’ A.J. Burnett. A lot of pitchers hit the wall this time of year.

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So Republicans want to cut off unemployment benefits because they say it will encourage Americans to be lazy and not to look for work. By that token shouldn’t they want to double or triple the tax on dividends and other unearned income to encourage trust-fund babies to look for work?

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All-star break….

July 13, 2010

Monday through Wednesday of this week Major League Baseball takes a hiatus to focus on televising the All-Stars.

As opposed to the rest of the season when they focus on televising the Yankees.

Actually the Yankees have a name for the All-Star break, it’s “shopping time.”

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Meanwhile in Baltimore, fans can rest assured that for three entire days, their Orioles are guaranteed not to lose.

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For their new manager, The Orioles are apparently interested in hiring television analyst and former manager of the Yankees, Diamondbacks and Rangers, Buck Showalter.

Makes a certain amount of sense. Showalter was fired three times because he did a great job during the regular season, not so well during the playoffs. Shouldn’t be a problem for the Orioles.

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Now Bud Selig has changed things so that the All-Star game will count, to make it more “meaningful” for the players. Yeah, exactly, the lone representative from a cellar-dweller or a last-minute injury replacement from some other mediocre team can hang a slider, or get lucky on a fast ball, and it completely changes a seven game World Series. Sure, makes sense to me.

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Sunday was the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona. This year it may be hard to get an actual injury count, since in honor of Spain’s victory in the World Cup, countless runners who weren’t gored simply flopped.

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Now that the World Cup is over, so is having to listening to vuvuzelas. But for those who will actually miss the cacophonous loud sounds, there’s always the American Idol tour.

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It doesn’t look good for Mel Gibson making another Lethal Weapon movie. On the other hand he is definitely the frontrunner for the lead in a sequel to “Despicable Me.”

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The YMCA is changing their name to the “Y” but the Village People have announced they won’t change their song title. Makes sense, besides, how long until no one knows what “Kodachrome” is, either.

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Just another example of why Lebron doesn’t get it. Of course the guy had a right to decide he had given seven good years (well, plus or minus a few playoff games) to Cleveland and it was time to move to a different situation. But the special was the unfortunate equivalent of going on national tv to tell your wife you’ve decided to leave her for another woman.

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Brett Favre has been working out for a while with some high school players in Mississippi. Today he ran away from reporters who tried to ask him about his plans for next year. Apparently Brett’s now not saying anything until he can work out a contract for an ESPN special.

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Newt Gingrich says he’s considering a run for President in 2012. Yeah, who better to defend family values and marriage than a man who’s had three of them?

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Senator David Vitter of Louisiana said today he supports “birthers” challenging President Obama’s citizenship in court, although he admitted his only “direct” knowledge of the issue was from the news media “filter.” Was that the same “filter” that Senator Vitter used to decide that prostitutes didn’t count as part of “…forsaking all others”

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All-Stars and Falling Stars

July 6, 2010

Although many in baseball thought Vladimir Guerrero was done last year, he signed with the Texas Rangers and now leads the majors with 70 RBI. But we should have known he had some good years left – the San Francisco Giants didn’t offer him a contract.

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The SF Giants have announced “Girl Scout” night at A T and T park July 15, with a necklace giveaway, and some donations from purchased tickets. After a brief pre-game ceremony, however, Girl Scouts will not be allowed on the field. Management is afraid they might beat the Giants.

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Jamarcus Russell was arrested today on drug possession charges. Hard to believe the strong-armed quarterback was once thought of as potentially the next John Elway. Instead, he’s turned out to be the next Ryan Leaf.

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Is this a sign? Codeine is legal without a prescription in Canada. The only question, is any CFL team desperate enough to take a chance on JaMarcus Russell?

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Larry Ellison might buy the woeful Golden State Warriors. Which means he finally might have found a bigger waste of money than the America’s Cup.

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The Queen of England was in Canada today and after touring the offices of “Research in Motion,” was given a free Blackberry. Apparently John McCain over the years has been offered some free blackberries, but he turned the offers down because he wasn’t sure they weren’t picked by illegal immigrants.
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Thank you Bud Selig. The All-Star game now determines home field advantage in the World Series, and the fans have selected an NL starting catcher who is hitting .229. (Yadier Molina.) Makes sense to me.
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Now that the U.S. has zero chance of winning the World Cup, American sports fans are using that as an excuse for not being interested in the last stages of the competiton. Big deal, Canadian sports fan respond, we still watch the finals of the Stanley Cup. (Note to non-hockey fans, a Canadian team hasn’t won the NHL championship since 1993)
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Men might want to stop reading now…

On the Bachelorette Monday night, former Bachelor (and Dancing with the Stars contestant) Jake and his ex-fiance Vienna, returned. It was a special interview segment to discuss their break-up after competing tabloid stories.

Personally, the more I watch these two together the more I think they absolutely deserve each other. But at least they didn’t breed.

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And the latest vampire movie, Eclipse, will apparently gross almost $200 million in its first week. Which could be great for the movie industry, less great for retail. Because it means there were no teenage girls left with free time to shop in the malls.

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234 years ago today….

July 4, 2010

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” Wonder how many people you could get today to sign a petition with these commie-pinko sentiments?

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234 years ago, the U.S. declared independence from Britain. Now I wonder how long it will take for us to declare independence from China.

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How embarrassed are the Argentinian players after being routed 4-0 by Germany? Some of them are actually thinking of hiding out by going to hike the Appalachian trail.

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So as we head to the World Cup semi-finals, the hopes of the Southern Hemisphere rest on a country with a smaller population than Connecticut.

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But let me get this straight. Most of the world considers soccer the only true “football,” and Uruguay makes it into the World Cup semifinals because one of their players uses his hand?

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Apparently when Chelsea Clinton gets married later this summer, President Obama will attend, but former V.P. Al Gore will not. Guess Bill and Hillary didnt want someone showing up who would set a bad example for marriage.

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Lebron James finished his last round of interviews with the teams who believe they can sign him and still win with a team that is under the salary cap. And the New York Yankees are thinking “How quaint.”

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A Russian airline, Avianova, is airing a controversial commercial showing bikini-clad flight attendants washing one of their planes. The ad has been condemned as sexist and unrealistic. Who would believe that most airlines actually wash their planes.

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Britney Spears has a new clothing line at Kohl’s, which she describes as “edgy but girly.” Wonder what her target market is – moms who don’t want to pay a lot of money but still want to be able to dress their daughters like skanks?

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The Southern Californian city where In-and-Out Burger got their start, Baldwin Park, is now banning all new drive-thru restaurant. That’s about as incongruous as the county that is home to Silicon Valley being one of the slowest in the state to count votes in elections…. oops, never mind.

(If this last is too “inside baseball” suffice it to say that Santa Clara County in California is lucky if they get a final count a week after the election.)

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So that World Cup loss was heartbreaking. When does NFL preseason start?

June 28, 2010

Actually, for U.S. sports fans in limbo, the Canadian Football League starts July 1.

And for those unfamilar with the CFL, they play a high-scoring, three-down, entertaining form of the game. Without vuvuzelas. And the talent level isn’t bad. So far no team has stooped low enough to try to sign JaMarcus Russell.

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So give FIFA and its World Cup some credit. Here’s a sport no one paid attention to in the U.S. a few weeks ago, and now their officiating mistakes are making American sports fans forget about Jim Joyce.

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What’s the difference between the U.S. and England soccer teams? In the end, about 24 hours.

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Now that the ageless Jamie Moyer has broken MLB’s all time record for home runs allowed, he is dealing with a number of jokes about him having given up one of those home runs to Babe Ruth. “Not true,” said Moyer, “The Babe couldn’t hit me.”

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Three UCLA football players were arrested this week for allegedly stealing a fellow student’s purse. Stealing a purse? Come on. Guess they should have gone to USC where they would have been paid better.

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In the Giants-Red Sox series this weekend in San Francisco, Boston lost Dustin Pedroia to a broken toe, and Victor Martinez to a fractured thumb. Plus Saturday starter Clay Buckholz hyper-extended his knee. So the real winner of the series? The New York Yankees.

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According to his daughter, former Vice President Dick Cheney is feeling much better after being treated for pain and a fluid build-up related to his heart condition. But ever vigilant against waste, Cheney wants to have the hospital save the fluid for possible future water-boarding.

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There’s no word on what precipitated the medical issue that sent Cheney back to the hospital, though doctors think it could have been a traumatic event. Like a drop in oil prices.

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From my extremely funny friend Jerry Perisho

“LA Lakers star Kobe Bryant was spotted in South Africa taking in some of the World Cup games. Either that or his wife insisted he buy her a diamond mine.”

Jerry also said that at the global economic summit was in Toronto, in honor of former Pres. George W. Bush, when the moderator opened with “Welcome to the G-20”, President Obama shouted, “Bingo!”

But George W. says that just proves Obama isn’t that smart. He should have reminded the moderate that it’s I-20. G is between 46 and 60.

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World Cup hopes and other dashed dreams

June 27, 2010

For the U.S. anyway in 2010, their World Cup hopes are “Ghana with the wind.”

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Americans, who had really begun to embrace the USA team, were devastated by the loss. It was almost as heartbreaking as the Olympic gold medal hockey game….say, who won that anyway?

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Landon Donovan may be done with the World Cup, but the U.S. star has been rumored to be looking at a contract with Chelsea (one of England’s top soccer teams) after a 10 week stint he had playing this year for Everton in England’s Premier League.

And according to a U.K. tabloid, Donovan will also become a father, at least according to a pregnant British woman. So I guess Landon had no problem scoring in England.

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And if you thought “Ghana with the wind” was bad…..

A day after his epic 11 hour win at Wimbledon, a tired, badly blistered John Isner lost his next match in 75 minutes. Talk about de thrill of victory and the agony of de feet.

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The 49ers filed a claim with the city of San Francisco, asking for a rent decrease because Candlestick Park is in such bad disrepair. On behalf of Candlestick Park, the city filed a counter claim, saying the same thing could be said about the 49ers..

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Police in Southern California seized $45 million in drugs they found in the back of a tractor-trailer Friday, including 38,000 pounds of marijuana. 7 11 stores in the area immediately applied for federal bailout money.
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Despite Major League Baseball’s drug rules, over 100 players have received medical clearance to take banned substances for Attention Deficit Disorder. So almost eight percent of ballplayers have the problem? Right.

Wonder if there’s a script floating around for players trying to get clearance to take Ritalin “So what makes you think you have ADD?” “Well, doctor, you see it’s like this, Oh look, a puppy.”

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Three incoming UCLA freshman football players have been arrested for alleged felony theft. Oregon’s Heisman-caliber quarterback has been dismissed from the team. And USC is on probation. Stanford is just a scandal or two from being Rose Bowl favorites.

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For Canadian readers, a thought watching all these G20 protests actually turn a little violent in Toronto.

Good thing one thing Torontonians don’t have to worry about. What would happen if the Leafs actually won the Stanley Cup.

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Weekend wanderings….

June 26, 2010

Raymond Parks, the last surviving founder of NASCAR, has died at the age of 96. In his honor, all drivers will race in an upcoming event with their left blinkers on.
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Giants baseball – A possible violation of the Geneva Convention.

for anyone going, huh? Friday night closer Brian Wilson recorded one of his trademark saves for the San Francisco Giants. Two quick outs in the ninth with a two run lead, and then four straight baserunners before he finally salvaged a one run win with the bases loaded. 42 pitches)

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Congratulations to Edwin Jackson of the Diamondbacks, who somehow pitched one of the sloppiest no-hitters despite throwing 149 pitchers, walking eight batters, and hitting another. It’s a little reminiscient of the girl we all knew in high school who proudly proclaimed her virginity, but nonetheless went to second base with a different guy each weekend.

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How badly are the Los Angeles Dodgers struggling right now? At this point their goal may just be to win nearly as many games in June as the Lakers.

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There are rumors that the Jacksonville Jaguars, struggling on the field and with attendance, may not survive in the NFL more than a few more years. If so, both the SEC and Pac 10 are reportedly interested.

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Sarah Palin, in California for a controversial fundraiser at Cal State Stanislaus, did not make any appearances of behalf of Carly Fiorina, theSenate Candidate she has endorsed. Apparently there were long negotiations on the subject, and Fiorina’s people convinced Palin not to do it.

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In Palin’s speech, she complained about the young people who dug up details on her speaking fees and other contract demands, referring to them as “students who spent their valuable, precious time diving through dumpsters before this event in order to silence someone … what a wasted resource.”

And the former Governor should know about wasted time as a student, after she attended her six colleges in six years to earn a bachelor’s degree.

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So now there are doubts about the truth of the story about Al Gore reputedly ever making unwanted sexual advances towards that masseuse. Makes sense, with all due respect, if he and Tipper didn’t have four kids there would be doubts if the former Vice President had ever had sex.

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USC has appealed some of the sanctions against their football team, but the Trojans accepted this year’s bowl ban. Translation – yeah, somehow we ended up hiring Lane Kiffin, so we weren’t going to one anyway.

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Volatile Chicago pitcher Carlos Zambrano was suspended indefinitely by the team for yet another tantrum and tirade. No one is quite sure what sets him off – maybe it’s playing for the Cubs?

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In the World Cup, Switzerland, whose defense allowed only 1 goal in 3 games, nonetheless couldn’t advance because they just couldn’t score in a 0-0 game against Honduras. So this may go down in history as a “Swiss Miss.”

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Linda McMahon, running for Senate in Connecticut, is running as an outsider, saying that as former CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment, she has had a regular job. And that WWE is “a soap opera that entertains millions every week.” So this is different from Congress how?

Former Vice President Dick Cheney was hospitalized again with heart problems. This must all somehow stem from his being born without one.

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Great joke I wish I’d written from Alex Kaseberg:

In the World Cup, Italy and France, lost and are out, but the US, England, Germany and Japan continue to fight. Why does this sound so familiar?

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