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Does anyone want to win the West?

September 18, 2010

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With Andres Torres out, Edgar Renteria has temporarily won the job of Giants leadoff hitter. And he says he will do whatever necessary to reach base. Guess that means he has a call in for acting tips from Derek Jeter.

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San Diego 4, St. Louis 14. The Padres are sinking faster than Lebron James’ popularity.

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On the other hand, the Giants were just shut out again tonight, 3-0, this time by Randy Wolf of the Milwaukee Brewers, in his best outing of the year.

Guess what, when enough pitchers have their best game of the year against a team…there’s a good chance a lot of the credit might be due to the men swinging the bats against them.

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But it could be worse: Long-time former Los Angeles Dodgers owner Peter O’Malley stated publicly today that Frank McCourt should give up the team, saying the “current ownership had lost all credibility with the city.” Is he kidding, current ownership has lost all credibility with the entire country.
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There are differing opinions on Derek Jeter’s performance when he acted like he was in pain after he DIDN’T get hit with a pitch, and was awarded first base. But the Yankees shortstop has been offered a coaching position with the USA soccer team

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Former President Clinton apparently has forgiven Jerry Brown for his joking reference to Monica Lewinsky, and will campaign for Brown in California. When asked if he considered not supporting Jerry over the comment, wonder if Bill responded “Close but no cigar?”

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Josh Hamilton, who has had substance abuse issues, says he will deal with the champagne celebration when the Texas Rangers clinch the division, by having “goggles on, duct tape over the mouth and either a wetsuit or raincoat,” so he doesn’t even get bubbly on his skin. Of course, a more long-range solution to this worry, get traded to the Cubs.

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On a visit to England, the Pope professed to be shocked by stories of child abuse by priests. Well, he might be the last one in the Catholic church who is.

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Shocking news, apparently Lindsay Lohan has failed a court-ordered drug and alcohol screening test. Guess she shouldn’t be sharing gum with Paris Hilton.

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After being released from jail August 2, it was announced Friday that Lindsay Lohan has failed a court-ordered drug test. So congratulations to all those who had 46 days in their office pool.

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One part of campaigning in California is interviewing with newspaper editorial boards. But on Friday, Meg Whitman became the first major California candidate in memory to say she will not meet with the San Francisco Chronicle. Suppose it makes some sense, she’s not really seeking the vote of anyone who reads.

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from Bill Littlejohn:
Following orders from the Melbourne archbishop, Australian churches have banned sports songs from funerals. Apparently, someone was caught playing Queen’s ‘Another One Bites The Dust’

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Batmen? In San Francisco?

September 17, 2010

Do not adjust your sets. Yes, that Giants 10 – Dodgers 2 score tonight didn’t mean the broadcasters accidentally put a “0” after SF’s “1” in the line score.

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The Giants actually scored more runs tonight that they scored in the last five games. And yes, earlier Thursday before the game, I wrote this and posted it on Facebook.

“Former SF Giant Kevin Mitchell has been charged with assault for punching a man during an argument at a Southern California golf course. Shame it wasn’t one of the 2010 Giants who got into that altercation, most of them would have just swung and missed”

Maybe I should insult the Giants hitting more often.

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For anyone who wonders how to pronounce my name, it’s the same as Aubrey Huff. (Wonder if I can claim him as a distant relative?) Go Giants!
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Meanwhile, across the Bay, Oakland didn’t sell out their Sunday home opener against the St. Louis Rams so it will be blacked out in the Bay Area. Which means we will find out the answer to a variation on an old question. “If the Raiders fall in a stadium and nobody sees them, do they still suck?”

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A joint joke with Marc Ragovin – Regarding all those crimes in New York committed by people wearing Yankees caps: Of course this doesn’t count the crooks guilty of serious grand larceny, who work in the Yankees ticket department.

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Meg Whitman announced today that she has now given a total of $119 million to her election campaign. Whitman also said she would announce her position on Prop 23 (which would repeal climate change legislation) “in the next 10 days.”

Since Meg’s been running for over a year, you’d think by now she might have used some of that money to figure out which side she was on?

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And Carly Fiorina said in response to allegations that HP used bribes in Russia to increase market share when she was CEO, that “HP was a company with 156,000 people,” she said. ‘”No single person can know everything that goes on.”

Uh, anyone want to tell Carly that she is running for a position where she will represent over 36 million people?

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According to Meg Whitman and Carly Fiorina’s campaigns, Nancy Reagan, 89, has endorsed both of them. Guess the former first lady has decided she really wants to support young women getting into politics.

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From Jim Barach, maybe more true than funny: The new “Sky Rider” seat will be unveiled soon which will allow airlines to put even more passengers on each plane. The seats will have only 23 inches of legroom.

The seats are designed in line with the needs of anorexic dwarfs who love to travel.

(Stay tuned, how long until a “premium” seat fee becomes a “actual seat” fee.

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No joking matter?

September 16, 2010

The following picture was banned in England as potentially being offensive to Catholics, But it’s been running in Italy. Well, at least one country still has a sense of humor about religion.

The San Francisco Giants played three of their last five games to a 1-0 final score. And Wednesday night’s game ended up 2-1. At this rate the Giants may not make the playoffs, but they will be the official baseball team of Major League Soccer.

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Meanwhile, in Atlanta, fans are shaking their heads at the team’s recent collapse, including two straight losses to the Washington Nationals. Normally the Braves don’t choke like this until they are in the playoffs.

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The New York Times is reporting that a large number of criminals lately have been commiting their crimes while wearing Yankees caps or clothing. Well, duh, for many fans it’s the only way they can pay for tickets.

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The Heisman Trust decided there will officially be no winner for the 2005 Heisman trophy after Reggie Bush returned the award. One possible translation, they aren’t positive there was any other player that year who was completely clean.

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For travel starting November first, passengers will be required to give their date of birth when making flight reservations. You know what that means, half the women in Hollywood will quit flying.
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Christine O’Donnell won the Republican primary for Senate in Delaware with only 30,651. What’s more astonishing, that it only takes that many votes to win a Senate primary. Or that 30,651 people actually voted for her?

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O’Donnell has actually said that masturbation is really just the same as adultery. Now, if she’d only reversed the simile, she might get more support from politicians on both sides of the aisle.

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Jennifer Lopez has signed a contract to judge American Idol. Now here’s one judge where the men at least in the audience will never care if she gets a little behind in her work.

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Or a crasser version, so much for those who figured that Simon Cowell’s departure meant the show would be missing a big ass.

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from T.C. “The NFL labor dispute is predicted to have play halted for the 2011 season. After week 1, it appears the Jets, Cowboys, Oakland & SF are already a year ahead of schedule.”

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By comparison..

September 15, 2010

Bill Clinton says a lot of the GOP candidates this year make George W. Bush look like a liberal. A liberal? Heck, a lot of them make W. look like an intellectual.

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Christine O’Donnell, who won the Republican primary in Delaware, has talked about enemies, (both Democrats and Republicans) who follow her and hide in her bushes,” making it necessary for her to have a second secret real address. Christine also said she would like to have the endorsement of Hillary Clinton.

Well, O’Donnell does believe in a vast left, right and center-wing conspiracy.

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Reggie Bush basically gave back his Heisman because he wasn’t in compliance with NCAA rules at the time he won it. Looking at all the past winners from Florida, Miami, Florida State, Texas, etc… if that’s the standard, the Heisman trust had better clean out a storeroom for used trophies.

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Another thought regarding Bush giving up his Heisman: considering all the other recipients from schools with less than squeaky-clean programs (Vinny Testaverde from Miami, for example), not to mention the various infractions from other winners, why don’t they just slap an asterisk on the trophy and be done with it?

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From Gary Morton on the same subject — Within a couple of months, Reggie Bush has lost a Heisman and a Kardashian. One has a hand-made, bronze bust, and the other…ok, ok, they both do.
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With the depressed economic situation in Ohio, Senator Sherrod Brown is trying to get the NFL to lift the blackout rule so people can watch the Bengals and Browns home games on TV. But really, haven’t Ohioans suffered enough?

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Apparently the FCS (former Division 1-AA) has a .091 winning percent against the FBC (former Division 1-A) so far this college football season. Six wins out of 148 games.

Hey, it’s a higher winning percentage so far than the 49ers or Raiders.

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The game that might end up the most fun for those who love to do the chain of wins game was North Dakota State 6, Kansas 3. Because Kansas has already upset No. 15 Georgia Tech. So if Georgia Tech upsets someone, and that someone only has one loss….well you get the picture. North Dakota State could lay claim to being National Champions.

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TMF?

September 14, 2010

So when did MNF become TMF? (Tuesday Morning Football)

Or in the case of many football widows and widowers after an opening weekend that started Thursday – Too much football?

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San Diego-Kansas City. In Kansas City in the rain. 120a finish on the East Coast. And they were only six yards away from overtime.

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Coach Rex Ryan has referred to the “Soon-to-be-Super-Bowl-Champion” New York Jets. Anyone want to lay odds on what happens first? The Jets winning another Super Bowl or Brett Favre retiring?

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All this money Meg Whitman is spending to try to become governor of California…. Maybe instead of ads, she’d have better luck if she spent the money to buy and improve the 49ers or Raiders.

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And regarding those ads, Whitman is spending millions on one anti-Jerry Brown ad focused on a claim Bill Clinton made in a 1992 televised debate. Now, I voted for Clinton twice, but if Whitman had paid any attention to politics in the past, she might have realized that as far as telling the truth in front of a camera, Bill is hardly an “un-impeachable source.”

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This may be an unpopular position amongst women, and don’t get me wrong, I’m not defending neanderthals (New York Jets). But Ines Sainz would project a more professional image for a sports reporter by not wearing skintight jeans and halter tops to work.

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On the other hand, the incident was the most embarassing thing to happen to the Jets this week, until they actually played a game.
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The silver lining of the Ines Sainz story, if a member of the media has to wear skintight jeans on the sidelines, at least it’s not John Madden.

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I’m not a USC fan by any means, but…

Making Reggie Bush out to be the only Heisman winner who ever took money and gifts in college feels a lot like making Barry Bonds out to be the only home run hitter who ever used performance enhancing drugs.

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Love this story from the Los Angeles Times. Apparently after UCLA’s 35-0 loss to Stanford, coach Rick Neuheisel still tried to give his post-game pep talk to fans left in the stands. Not only was he booed, one fan yelled “Stop talking and win a game.”

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Kentucky senator Mitch McConnell said that President Obama’s plan to eliminate tax cuts for those in the highest brackets would hurt “the people who’ve been hit hardest by this recession.” Indeed, some of them have had to fly commercial, or horror of horrors, coach.

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And how can I top this, Hans Zieger, a candidate for the state legislature in Washington wrote this for a conservative website (which has now been picked up by the SF Chronicle and a number of other sites.)

It’s enough to make you toss your cookies.

“One might wonder why the Girl Scouts have been spared the painful attacks that have been launched upon the Boy Scouts by the Left in recent years. The reasons are simple: the Girl Scouts allow homosexuals and atheists to join their ranks, and they have become a pro-abortion, feminist training corps. … If the Girl Scouts of America can’t get back to teaching real character, perhaps it will be time to look for our cookies elsewhere.”

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Week one – weak one?

September 13, 2010

There were a few things that most the country could be happy about after one week of the NFL season – For starters, we won’t have to hear about the Colts’ pursuit of perfection, again.

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Anyone want to start a pool on the over-under for the first week that T.O. will start complaining about Carson Palmer?

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T.O. and Ochocinco posed as Batman and Robin for a photo shoot with the Cincinnati Enquirer. I don’t know, after week one seems like the same old Jokers to me.

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Meanwhile in Oakland they’re hoping that Jason Campbell isn’t just JaMarcus Russell without the bling.

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Wacky prediction, but I’m serious. Stanford coach Jim Harbaugh’s next job — maybe in 2012? Coach of the San Francisco 49ers. Hey, at least he’s proven he can beat a team coached by Pete Carroll.

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Starbucks is taking some heat from conspiracy theorists, because some of their newly redone drive-thru menu boards list Grande (16 oz.) and Venti (20 oz.) sized beverages. But not the smaller Tall (12 oz) drinks, which are still for sale. (Along with the by request only Short (8 oz.).

The company responds that customers requested easier to read boards and that the “Tall” drinks weren’t selling that well. Makes sense, if you need coffee before you get out of the car, smaller probably isn’t going to do it.

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But speaking of conspiracy theories, the Colorado Rockies had an almost perfect September in 2009, and they just completed a perfect homestand. Isn’t it about time Selig sent someone to see what’s up with that humidor?

(Explanation of the above for non-baseball junkies. When Coors Field opened, baseballs flew out of the park like it was a little league diamond because of the high-altitude.) After a number of losing seasons, and discovering no pitchers would sign with the team – altitude also means pitches won’t move like they do at sea-level, the team came up with the idea of putting baseballs in a humidor, like they use for cigars. The “humidified” or “wet” baseballs behaved much more normally and the run totals went down.

Now, the Rockies have been coming up with all kind of late inning wins at home, and of course it could be just another magical run. But it wouldn’t be that hard to toss in some “dry” balls in the home half of the inning.)

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Meanwhile, up in Alaska, it looks like Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski, who said she would support the Tea Party nominee who won the Republican primary, now will run as a independent in November.

What is it up there in our 49th state. Either they don’t know when to quit, or they don’t know when to finish their job?

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Newt Gingrich said of Barack Obama, that the president has a “Kenyan, anti-colonial” worldview. Now, I’m not sure what a “Kenyan” worldview is, but isn’t “anti-colonial” what our founding fathers were up to in 1776?

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Inspired by Gary Morton. The humiliated Virginia Tech football program vowed it won’t happen again, next year they’re scheduling Boise Community College and Dollie Madison.
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(bit of trivia, Boise State was actually founded in 1932 as Boise Junior College. Don’t tell the BCS.)

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Embarrassments?

September 12, 2010

Stanford 35, UCLA 0. This could be the most embarrassing thing to happen in Los Angeles since the Dodgers.

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Good news from Gainesville, the home of the University of Florida, and the “Dove World Outreach Church.”)

On September 11, nothing got burned except USF’s secondary (The Gators won 38-14), and Penn State women’s volleyball 109 consecutive match winning streak. (Stanford beat them in 3 sets.)

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Meanwhile, the Vatican issued a message calling for Catholics worldwide to show love and tolerance. Except pertaining to Ann Arbor, Michigan.

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Congrats to Quarterback Denard Robinson, who broke the school record with 502 total yards today in Michigan’s 28-24 win over Notre Dame. It takes a special talent to overcome the coaching abilities of Rich Rodriguez.

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Tennessee basketball coach Bruce Pearl got fined $1.5 million for making misleading statements to the university amidst an NCAA investigation.

Guess Tennessee can use the money to help pick up the pieces left by football coach Lane Kiffin – who misled the university, and got the team under an NCAA investigation. And got rewarded with a new contract at USC.

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The USA basketball team has quietly made it to the FIBA World Basketball Championships, without much fanfare or high ratings back home in America.

So much for all those who said that Americans didn’t care about the World Cup because it wasn’t our sport. We don’t care about any sport unless it’s the NFL, NBA, or maybe Major League Baseball.

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Pat Riley is complaining already about those who have made personal attacks against players on the Miami Heat. And really, what have any members of the team done to warrant any unwanted special attention this summer?

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Alabama 24, Penn State 3. Joe Paterno is about to discover one of the only good thing about being 84 years old. He may not remember this game in the morning.
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Shocking upset of the day, Virginia Tech lost today to James Madison. The biggest shock to most sports fans, that James Madison HAS a football team.

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Meg Whitman has been running ads saying she’s the only “fiscally responsible” candidate for Governor in California. And she’ll spent as many millions as it takes to get that message out.

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Question of the day. At an event with Glenn Beck in Anchorage, Sarah Palin asked the crowd “What would we do without Fox News?”

Any readers want to answer that question? (Keep it PG-13, please.)

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September 11

September 11, 2010

We can’t ever laugh about September 11. But being able to laugh in spite of September 11 is one of the things that makes us American.

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All about the marketing?

September 11, 2010

Now that “Don’t ask, don’t tell” has been declared unconstitutional, there are rumors that the Army may change its slogan – from “Army Strong,” to “Army Fabulous.”

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KFC has decided to try to “regain prestige” with a marketing campaign to remind consumers about their original founder, Colonel Sanders. (Who was a real person.)

Here’s a free tip for the beleaguered fast foot chain. If you are really going for the “prestige” brand image, maybe it’s not a good idea to introduce a “Double Down” sandwich that is simply two pieces of fried chicken with bacon and cheese inside?

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Coffee futures have soared 44% since June. Starbucks has announced they will be sensitive to the economy, however, and offer their customers very low mortgage rates on lattes

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Neither the Saints nor the Vikings had great games on offense in their season opener. But one major requirement for being a great NFL quarterback is a short memory. At this point, Brett Favre has that down cold.

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Former West Virginia and Miami Dolphins Quarterback Pat White signed today with the Kansas City Royals, even though he hasn’t played baseball since he graduated from high school in 2004.

Apparently White, while he had a great football career, always wanted to be on a Major League Baseball roster. And failing that, he’d be happy to play for the Royals.

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Angelina Jolie said in an interview with CNN that she doesn’t have a lot of friends, and Brad is the only person she can talk to. Really? Cant imagine why women, especially other young married women, wouldn’t feel comfortable with her around.

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Carly Fiorina, speaking to Tea Party supporters today, slammed Barbara Boxer for asking a general to call her “Senator” instead of “Ma’am.” Well, I suppose better to focus on something important like that rather than slamming California’s “excessive regulations” on the day after a tragedy caused by a gas main explosion.

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News story from Texas: A mother was angry at a group of seventh grade girls celebrating a blow-out win over her daughter’s middle-school volleyball team. So she pulled a gun on them while they were celebrating in the parking lot… The celebration ended fast and the girls fled. Even in Florida they are saying, “These people are nuts.”

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From Marc Ragovin.

In a self-prepared report, BP has exonerated itself of liability for the Gulf oil spill, while pointing the fnger at everyone else involved in the rig’s construction. That’s like the owners of the Titanic blaming water for freezing at 32 degrees.

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Burning desire?

September 10, 2010

The amount of attention paid to this nutty pastor in Florida is getting out of control. Isnt it time for the media to turn its focus back to things that Americans really care about…? Like Paris Hilton’s drug arrest and Bristol Palin’s outfit on “Dancing with the Stars?”

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Outrage has been spreading over that Gainesville, Florida church’s plan to burn the Quran. Even the University of Florida (in Gainesville) has issued a statement. They believe the only thing that should be burned in the city are Florida State Seminoles jerseys
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Actually, at time of writing, the pastor has temporarily “suspended” the Quran burning. But the “Balloon Boy” and his family have announced plans to move to Florida.

The beleaguered state has responded by proposing a law allowing police officers to stop residents and requiring them to prove they are legally sane.

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On a brighter note, “Glee” is apparently planning an episode this year honoring “The Rocky Horror Picture Show.” Fans are quivering in antici………….pation.

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Good news for Patriots fans, Tom Brady avoided injury in an early morning car accident this morning. Even better news, his wife Giselle and an Escalade were NOT involved.

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From Alex Kaseberg – When Ben Roethlisberger had his suspension cut two games from six to four; this information threw off Fantasy Football leagues. In fact, Fantasy Football players haven’t been this upset since Klingon was not deemed an official language by the UN.

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Apparently the NCAA has talked to Tennessee basketball coach Bruce Pearl and an assistant coach about possible violations. Shocking. Recent potential sports illegalities at Tennessee, and Lane Kiffen wasn’t involved?

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A federal judge in Southern California has declared the U.S. military’s ban on openly gay service members unconstitutional. Wonder how long it will take for a church in Florida to announce plans to burn a copy of the Constitution?

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While appearing on the Colbert Report, Vice President Joe Biden thanked former President George W. Bush, saying “You deserve a lot of credit, Mr. President.” No kidding, without W’s eight years of work, Obama and Biden would probably never have been elected.

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Fruity loops?

September 9, 2010

Gov. Ed Rendell has referred to some of the more extreme Republicans running for office this year as “Fruit Loops.” This prompted an immediate demand for an apology. From Kellogg’s.

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A school named after Al Gore has apparently been built on toxic dirt. That’s like a school named after George W. Bush ending up with a world class library.

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Or a school named after Hillary Clinton being built on the site of a teddy bear factory?

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Nick O’Leary, a grandson of Jack Nicklaus and a top high school football recruit, was suspended for two games for making an obscene gesture towards the stands after a recent game. O’Leary is apparently considering Alabama, Miami and Florida. But sounds like he might already be NFL ready.

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Meghan McCain now says she was so shocked by her father’s choice of Sarah Palin to be his running mate that she ended up crying on the bus. It was probably only a few weeks later that her dad ended up doing the same thing.

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An aide to Barbara Boxer was caught trying to “remove and conceal a sticky green substance” from his pocket while entering the Senate office building. The substance turned out to be marijuana and the aide has since resigned. Wonder if he will claim he thought it was gum?

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My friend Jim Barach said the aide may have been re-assigned to a joint committee.

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‎44 years ago this week, NBC aired the first episode of Star Trek, a series that actually only aired for three seasons, but nonetheless became a cultural icon. It was a show parents would tell their children about, if anyone who watched those first episodes actually married and reproduced.

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Former President Bill Clinton campaigned for Arkansas Senator Blanche Lincoln Wedsaid Wednesday, saying that it would be a mistake for voters to give in to “anger, apathy and amnesia.” And Sarah Palin replied “Just another example of Democrats using all those high-faluting foreign words.”

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From Bill Littlejohn:

“Pastor Terry Jones says that, despite calls from as high up as the White House to call it off, he plans on staging ‘International Burn-a-Quran Day’.Couldn’t he just settle on a LeBron James Cleveland jersey, instead?”

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Moving on.

September 8, 2010

Regarding that Florida church and the Quran. Anyone who wants to demonstrate their First Amendment rights by burning a book is unclear on the concept.

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The Redskins are apparently in talks to trade Albert Haynesworth. This after the defensive tackle failed numerous conditioning tests and apparently has been just “awful” with a bad attitude in preseason games. At this point the only way Haynesworth could be less popular in Washington is to be part of Congress.

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The team most interested in Haynesworth apparently is his old team, Tennessee. But based on Albert’s performance and attitude lately bringing him back to Nashville could be a disaster of “Titanic” proportions.

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Fired HP CEO Mark Hurd, who just received $12 million PLUS stock options as part of his severance package, has now agreed to join Oracle as a co-president, no doubt for another eight-figure salary plus stock package. And these ex-CEO’s running for office wonder why many voters question their ability to relate to the average American.

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Actually with Hurd and Ellison in the same boardroom, the fastest way to make a lot of money in Silicon Valley for an attractive woman might be to hire on at Oracle as an executive-assistant. Seems like good odds on being able to file for sexual harrassment.
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Tuesday morning hangover for the BCS. Since Boise State didn’t fold on national TV and lose to Virginia Tech, this potentially means one less BCS bowl opening for the SEC or Notre Dame. Oh, the horror.

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So the Heisman Trophy Trust might make Reggie Bush the first person to be stripped of his trophy. What can we learn from this? Killing two people pales in comparison to taking gifts and getting USC put on probation.

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Manny Ramirez was slightly injured in Tuesday’s White Sox loss to the Tigers. Of course at this point in the season the team doctor may just put Manny on bedrest for his third trimester.

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Tiger Woods has been named to the U.S. Ryder Cup team. Well, makes sense, one thing he has shown he can do this past year is “Ryder.”

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“Hook ups” and beyond.

September 7, 2010

A new study says people who “hook up” for casual sex can have as rewarding a long-term relationship as those who take it slowly and establish a meaningful pre-sex connection. These people are called “men.”

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Larry Ellison has hired ex-HP CEO Mark Hurd, who was fired over his “relationship” with Jodie Fisher, as a co-president of Oracle. Guess Ellison got tired of being a slam-dunk choice for the biggest a**hole at his own company.

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But really, Ellison and Hurd together on the board? Who are they going to use for an executive search firm for administrative assisants? Tiger Woods?

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Talented but difficult T.J. Houshmandzadeh has signed with Baltimore after being cut by the Seattle Seahawks. Wonder how much of the wide receiver’s attitude it will take to have Ravens fans say “Nevermore.”

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Apparently Cincinnati was thinking of signing Houshmandzadeh, but with Ochocino and T.O. already, the Bengals figured that would make three of the Four Horse’s A**es of the Apocalypse. (Post inspired by an online conversation with the great Dwight Perry of the Seattle Times.)
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A man was arrested today for scaling a 60 story skyscraper in San Francisco. If he’d just waited until November when Prop 19 (marijuana legalization) may pass, then it would be legal to get high in California.

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The incredibly violent “Machete”, loosely about a renegade border crime fighter, took second place at the box office this weekend. And Arizona Governor Jan Brewer was thrilled,- “Finally all those beheadings I’ve been talking about.”

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NFL television analyst Dan Hampton joined the “soon to be unemployed” list, with his comment about Thursday night’s NFL opener between the Saints and Vikings. “The Vikings need to go down there and hit that town like Katrina.”

Let’s really hope they fire him before any games in New York on the weekend of September 11.

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Chicks may dig the long ball. But this year the Toronto Blue Jays are leading the majors with 244 home runs, the Boston Red Sox are second with 178. Maybe it’s not the home runs that the chicks dig, but that their boyfriends and husbands have Octobers off…

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Labor Day is in some ways oddly named, since it’s one day that American workers generally get paid not to do their job. In other words, they become honorary members of the Mets bullpen.

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Tony Blair had to cancel a book signing in central London because of worries about potential protesters on the right and the left. I think I’d take a lot of these folks more seriously about free speech if it applied to anyone but themselves.

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For many Americans, Labor Day marks the end of summer. In Boston the end of summer was marked Saturday when Jonathan Papelbon blew a 5-3 lead against the White Sox with two outs in the bottom of the ninth. How about that Tom Brady?

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September mourning?

September 6, 2010

Matt Leinart was flat out released by the Arizona Cardinals. Who knew the former Heisman winner would turn out to be JaMarcus Russell without the bling?

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T.J. Houshmandzadeh was cut Thursday by the Seattle Seahawks. The team feels confident they can replace him at wide receiver, but they will take a hit with their clubhouse Scrabble game.

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Meanwhile the party to celebrate Houshmandzadeh’s departure is still going on for Seattle copy editors and sportscasters.

Ten losses in a row for the reeling Padres. At this point sports fans in San Diego will really be thrilled when the NFL season starts. At least the Chargers have a chance to win once a week.

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My very funny friend Alex Kaseberg wrote this one, which was used on the Tonight Show – “Padres” is actually an old Spanish word meaning “Chicago Cubs.”

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The University of Florida won their opening game against Miami of Ohio, 34-12, despite gaining about 20 yards in the first half, and under 40 yards until the last few minutes of the game.

How worried are the Gators? They’re reportedly even looking into what academic program they use to tempt Jeremiah Masoli into transfering.
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John McCain said Sunday the Republicans should put out a new “Contract with America.” It’s not that McCain disagrees with Newt Gingrich’s original model, it’s that he can’t remember it.

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Bill “Spaceman” Lee, 63, picked up a win for the Brockton Rox, an independent league baseball team in Massachusetts. Lee started, pitched 5 1/3 innings, and only allowed two runs. And at age 63 he still probably pitched harder than Tim Wakefield.
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Give Arizona Governor Jan Brewer credit. Who knew another Governor could make Arnold Schwarzenegger sound like a Shakespearean actor by comparison?

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The Jan Brewer debate tape continues to be an online hit. Looks like the title of “most embarrassing and inexplicable silent gap ever for Republicans” no longer belongs to the late Rosemary Woods.

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Internet evangelist Bill Keller has set up headquarters in a New York Marriott near Ground Zero to speak out against Islam. So let’s see, a “Christian” using a hotel founded and run by Mormons to preach against Muslims – is this an amazing country or what?

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Opening week…

September 5, 2010

So most Division 1 football teams have made it through the first week of the season. Many of them with wins against FCS opponents

(FCS – Football Championship Subdivision – formerly known as Division 1-AA)

But really, routs against FCS teams? This is like winning a hot dog eating contest with supermodels.

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Or being the NFL team who gets to open against the Detroit Lions.

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How the mighty have fallen. Jonathan Broxton was an All-Star closer and saved the game for the National League. Since then he hasn’t saved a game since Aug 3, and has lost his closer’s job with the Dodgers. And yesterday he gave up a two-run game winning home run against the Giants.

This could be the biggest and fastest fall for a star without an Escalade being involved.

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Manny Ramirez, who got a few hits in the series when the White Sox swept the Red Sox, said his departure from Boston was “my fault,” and he would have happily rejoined his old team had they claimed on waivers.

Okay, how many Sox fans would have expected more mature behavior out of Manny than Johnny Damon.

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from Nick Coombs: Matt Leinart was released from the Arizona Cardinals yesterday. Fortunately he still has a lot of money saved from when he played for USC.
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JetBlue apparently has fired Steven Slater, the flight attendant who became famous for his emergency chute beer-carrying exit. Makes sense, the only employees who can behave that badly in public and still keep their jobs are elected officials and professional athletes.

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California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman stated “I have been a full-time candidate for well over 20 months. I’m battle tested now.” Uh, Meg, anybody warn you about little things like a budget and a legislature?

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Mark Hurd, former CEO of HP, is reportedly in talks to join Oracle. Makes sense, at Oracle being involved in a public sex case is practically an executive requirement.

(Larry Ellison has been linked to several office “romances” and at least one lawsuit, Oracle president Charles Phillips had his ex-mistress put a picture of the two together on a billboard in Times Square.)

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Dumb and dumber – yet again

September 4, 2010

The NCAA in action: Jeremiah Masoli won his waiver appeal and will be able to play for Ole Miss this year, after he enrolled in the school’s Parks and Recreation graduate program. The former Oregon QB convinced them that he was a student-athlete “who transferred for academic reasons to pursue graduate studies, not to avoid disciplinary measures.”

(The NCAA’s excuse for the waiver, “Massoli was only kicked off the team for his brushes with the law, not expelled from the University) And we wonder how NFL players get the idea that rules don’t apply to them.”)

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Of course, the whole Masoli story just lends credence to a theory that many people have long suspected – the NCAA is a wholly-owned subsidiary of the SEC.

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BCS champions Ohio State opened their season with a 45-7 rout of Marshall. Guess Vassar wasn’t available?

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Apparently one sign that Arizona police are using to locate potential illegal immigrants is a poor command of the English language. Governor Brewer had now better not go out without her identification.

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Sarah Palin is slamming “impotent, limp and gutless” reporters after a Vanity Fair article claimed she had a “mean temper.”

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Meanwhile, Bristol Palin appeared on the “Tonight Show with Jay Leno” Friday night to talk about her decision to go on “Dancing with the Stars.” And this is the young woman who broke up with Levi Johnston for the second time because he was “just obsessed with the limelight.”

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In Colorado gubernatorial Dan Maes has said that a Denver bike-sharing program is a “well-designed plot” that is converting Denver into a United Nations community.” He added “This is bigger than it looks like on the surface, and it could threaten our personal freedoms.”

Leaving aside a number of things, like logic, does anyone actually believe the UN is capable of a well-designed plot?

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Kat Von D is now dating Sandra Bullock’s ex-husband Jesse James, and says she believes he is “the one.” Stay tuned for the next installment of “Tattoed women, foolish choices.”

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The Nationals’ Nyjer Morgan has ended up with an eight-game suspension following three aggressive incidents, which culminated in him charging the mound and inciting a brawl between Washington and the Florida Marlins. On the bright side, Morgan’s been offered a tryout on defense with the Washington Redskins.

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Carly Fiorina has finally announced she has decided to support Prop 23, which suspends California’s global-warming initiative. (She’s only been running for Senate since last November.) If it takes her 10 months to decide on one proposition, how long will it take her to decide how to vote if she is elected to the Senate?

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from my funny friend Jim Barach: “President Obama said in his address to the nation on Tuesday night that U.S. has ended its combat role in Iraq and it’s now time to “turn the page.”

So now he has done two things President Bush never accomplished. Ending a war and turning a page.

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Are you ready for some football?

September 3, 2010

The college football season kicked off tonight, and many powerhouses scheduled their usual tough openers. Ohio State took on Marshall, Miami took on Florida A & M, USC took on Hawaii. So once again fans were generally treated to games with all the drama and uncertainty of the Christians taking on the Lions.

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Of course, what happened to #15 Pittsburgh, who took on a real team, Utah? A 27 to 24 loss. Which basically means the Panthers have been eliminated from any chance at a national championship, and it’s not even Labor Day. So the scheduling of crash-test dummies will continue.

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And actually, USC only beat Hawaii by 13 points, 49 to 36, and that after knocking out the Warriors starting quarterback on a questionable hit. So looks like that bowl ban for the Trojans just might end up being irrelevant.

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On the other hand, if this is the beginning of yet another mediocre season for Lane Kiffin, who knows what other team will try to lure him away from USC with a big contract.

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The University of Alabama, ranked number one in preseason polls, will be without Heisman Trophy winner Mark Ingram (injury), and defensive MVP of last year’s National Championship Marcell Dareus (suspension), for their season opener against San Jose State. Well, that ought to get the spread under 50.

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The SF Giants’ new call-up Darren Ford is beyond fast. He came in as a pinch-runner at first base Thursday in a 1-1 tie. Then he made it to second on a lousy bunt, went to third on a ball that only rolled a few feet away from the catcher, and scored on a wild throw. In fact, Ford’s so unstoppable maybe they should nickname him “Toyota.”

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Cincinnati Reds pitcher Aroldis Chapman hit 103 mph on the radar gun in his second appearance for the team yesterday. Actually it’s not unusual for young major leaguers to be clocked at over 100 mph. But usually they are driving a car at the time.

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In California, the first ad has aired supporting Proposition 19, Marijuana Legalization. Presumably it was funded by the makers of Doritos.
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Feeling up for a challenge? A British gal broke a world record by texting the following in 29 seconds – “The razor-toothed piranhas of the genera Serrasalmus and Pygocentrus are the most ferocious freshwater fish in the world. In reality they seldom attack a human.”

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from Bill Littlejohn – “Rob Dibble has been fired as the Nationals TV analyst.Steven Strasburg sent him a message telling him to suck it up and to stop crying”

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We’ll always have Paris…

September 2, 2010

Paris Hilton that is, a one-woman economic stimulus package to comedy writers.

Now she says she thought the cocaine in her purse was gum. Sort of puts a whole new slant on the concept of “Blowing bubbles.”

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But let’s see, mistaking cocaine for gum? Makes that “flaxseed oil” defense sound almost reasonable.

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I suppose Paris could have used the defense that she thought the marijuana was oregano, but that would have required at some point in her life that the woman had been in a kitchen.

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Lindsay Lohan says she is not an alcoholic or a drug user, and that she is “no longer young and irresponsible.” Of course not, she is now grown up and irresponsible.

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Burger King is reportedly in talks to be acquired by a private equity firm. The companies are said to be working out final stock purchase details, as in “Do you want fries with that?”

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President Obama called former President George W. Bush yesterday before his speech on the Iraq War. It was partly to be conciliatory and above politics, and also to tell W. that while Obama was redecorating the Oval Office he had ordered staff to put all of Bush’s art projects in a safe place.

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An attorney testified today in the McCourts’ divorce trial, that Frank McCourt told her he wasn’t going to sign a revised marital agreement that would share the Los Angeles Dodgers with his wife. If Frank really wanted to make Jamie, suffer, however, he would have given her the whole team.
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During practice yesterday, Kendall Langford of the Miami Dolphins apparently lost a 2.5 carat diamond earring valued at $50,000 on the field. It was the most ridiculous waste of money during the preseason since JaMarcus Russell was still doing drills with the Raiders.

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In the California leglislature, it’s another year, another deadlock. We can’t even call the California budget a political football – – you can actually pass a football.

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Also in Calfornia, in Carly Fiorina’s Senate debate with Barbara Boxer, Fiorina compared the state’s economic climate unfavorably to China’s, saying “China has done wonderful things to create jobs.”

This may be true, but even now in the California the unemployment rate isn’t so bad for eight-year olds.

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Winners and losers.

September 1, 2010

While shooting out of the rough, a Southern California golfer had his club accidentally strike a rock. This caused a spark that lit the grass on fire, resulting in a 12 acre blaze. It might turn out to be most expensive incident involving a golf club since Elin took after Tiger.

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San Jose State’s football team is travelling to play Alabama Saturday. The tradeoff – be a punching bag in exchange for a $1 million payday. Talk about taking one for the team, this time the team is taking one for the school.

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But really, being paid $1 million dollars to be humiliated. Normally this only happens to players who sign with the Cubs.

(or for Canadian readers, the Maple Leafs.)

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Bristol Palin will be appearing on “Dancing with the Stars.” In the meantime, her mother continues with the ongoing reality show “Dancing with the Truth.”

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Cleveland Browns’ tackle Shaun Rogers will be fined about $400,000 for accidentally having a semi-automatic handgun in his carry-on bag at the airport. All over America women are showing their husbands this story and saying “And you give me crap about not knowing what’s in MY purse?”

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Lindsay Lohan says she “wants her career back.” Give Lindsay and Paris Hilton some credit, before they showed up, the Department of Labor didn’t realize “skank” was a job description.

(Although it seems to be one that is growing even in a bad economy.)

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from t.c.

Manny Ramirez was in uniform tonight and ready to take on his new role as White Sox DH – designated headcase.

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Between A.J. Pierzynski, Manny Ramirez and Ozzie Guillen, the White Sox aren’t just a team, they’re a psychology lab project.

They may not make the playoffs but they’re on the American Psychiatric Association All-Stars.

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A New Hampshire student is suing his teacher, the school and the district because of an injury in shop class he said resulted in brain damage. He had attached an electrical clamp to one nipple while a friend attached another clamp to the other. Another student plugged in the cord.

I don’t know, seems to me a halfway decent lawyer could prove that the brain damage preceded the incident.

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Donovan McNabb may be injured and unable to start the Redskins season opener. Which means they would start the season with quarterback… Rex Grossman. If true, Washingtonians wouldn’t care WHAT religion Obama was, if the President was praying to a God who could make that work.

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“Arrested” development

August 31, 2010

Mizzou’s football team has now had three DUI arrests in the past couple month. Looks like Missouri has now become the “Show me your license and registration” state.

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According to the New York Times, Stanford’s star quarterback Andrew Luck has a 3.55 GPA and an architectural design major. Said football players at Cal, “what’s architectural design?” Said football players at USC “what’s a major?”

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Manny Ramirez is expected to join the White Sox Tuesday. His new Chicago teammates will celebrate by throwing him a nice little baby shower.

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A recent Fox News poll showed 64 percent of Americans think it’s wrong to build a mosque near ground zero. Just wondering, what are those other 36 percent doing listening to Fox News?

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Elin Nordegren said she gave the “only interview I’m going to give” on her divorce from Tiger Woods to “People” magazine. Now she’s on the cover of Britain’s “Hello” magazine, with her “one and only interview” on the subject. Maybe the celebrity she should have married was Brett Favre.

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Paris Hilton has been arrested for the third time in a little over a month, this time for cocaine possesion. Though she claims she was carrying someone else’s purse. You’d think for all the money she has, the woman could buy a clue?

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To be fair to Paris, she doesn’t have a lot to do with her time. Maybe she’s auditioning to be the poster girl for the Cincinnati Bengals?

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A NY Times article saying the percentage of registered Republicans in Orange County has dropped to 43 percent. Of course, the richest Republicans won’t register until they decide to run for office.

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Meg Whitman was apparently called for jury duty and attended the first day of juror selection. Scary thing, she already now has more judicial experience than she has political experience.

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from Gary Morton : On the NFL going to 18 games: we’ll finally get the answer to that old joke, “where do they bury the survivors?”
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This one’s a little over the top but it’s an interesting take on the economy, seen on a sign in London – “Buy more sh*t or we’re all f**ked.”

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